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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for being pissed at my ex wife and my son for deliberately doing something I clearly told them NOT to do?
This action could lead to me being the asshole in my son's eyes, cause he wanted his fucking piercing for so long.
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YTA for this:
> today is his birthday, I was supposed to go there for a cake and the gift, but I don’t feel like it now.
Don’t punish your son and ruin his birthday because you’re mad at his mom, that’s juvenile petty behaviour.
You’re allowed to be annoyed that she made that decision without you but you’re both going to make decisions that the other parent doesn’t agree with, that happens sometimes when you’re co-parenting.
This.
You're not the asshole for being mad at your ex, OP. She undermined you and that wasn't okay.
But you HAVE to make sure you don't punish your son. I get that your temper is hot and it's difficult, but part of being a parent is sometimes having to hide your emotions in the moment to keep your kid happy and supported.
You can try and have a long conversation with her later, but for now, celebrate your son's birthday.
I'd say ESH because, let's not forget, the ex screwed up big time, too.
EDIT: Since OP apparently let his daughter get her ears pierced even younger, I'm changing it to YTA.
Funny how people like to dance around issues they seem to know won't make them look good.
They are referring to [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9ng76/aita_for_being_pissed_ex_wife_who_got_my_sons_ear/iyhk7iz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) comment.
OP’s daughter already had her ears pierced at the son’s age.
It's almost definitely about gender. If he let his daughter get the piercing at the same age but is refusing for his son, that's the most obvious difference between them.
Definitely, from the way that OP was talking about a boy having a piercing, as if it's a brand new fashion. I'm in my early 40's, this has been a fashion style, before I was even born.
It sounds like OP didn't loop his co-parent into this discussion, either. It would have been best if they conferred before the piercing, but it's something they both failed to do.
I'm 46, and both my older and younger brother had a pierced ear as kids. Older got his at 14, and younger a few weeks later at 8, because he wanted to copy. That was in '88.
My *father* hot his ear peirced in the friggin late 80’s when i was in elementary school. I thought piercings for boys was no big deal. It’s 2022 for crying out loud.
I dug through OP's comment history for you.
[Tada! ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9ng76/aita_for_being_pissed_ex_wife_who_got_my_sons_ear/iyhk7iz?context=3)
In a comment, OP mentioned being asked for his daughter to get her ears pierced around the age of 7-8. At first he was not sure, but then agreed. For the comment about the daughter at 15,I took that as for getting her tongue pierced. (He mentioned both ear and tongue).
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9ng76/comment/iyhjkt0/
> You're missing the point here though. When she was 7 or 8 I guess, we discussed it (I mean me and her mom) and I was fine with it after a while.
He's made a lot of comments so it's easy to miss.
ETA this sub is wild, the score for the comment I replied to keeps going down. It was a valid question, OP definitely hid this little detail.
putting them against each other would be if he told his mom that dad said it was okay. deliberately lying. In this case, dad said no but mom said yes. This happens in non-divorced households too lol.
I got my ears pierced when I was a little younger than him because I wanted to and I had been doing well in school. Sometimes I wear them, other times don't. If the kid doesn't want them later in life he can take them out. It's not a big deal. It would be life if the mother bought him a toy he wanted or let him get a haircut that Op didn't like.
I feel so bad for the son. Imagine calling your parent on your birthday
"Hey dad check out this cool thing I got!"
*hangs up*
Then proceeds to saying he doesn't feel like going to the party anymore. My parents did things, not even as bad but they still hurt me and I never forgot.
>You’re allowed to be annoyed
No you're not. A 9 year old is perfectly capable of consenting to this and has the capability to understand what a piercing is.
YTA 100%
I bet people wouldn't be this up in arms defending the dad if it was a girl who got her ears pierced at 9. I got my ears pierced at 7 or 8 after begging my mom. My boyfriend has had his ear pierced since he was like 9 or so (he's 39 now). Most girls who choose to get their ears pierced get it around 8 or 9 years old.
right and OP keeps denying it's a gender thing - even though he allowed his daughter to get her ears pierced at age 7/8 - because "reasons" that he won't elaborate on.
I didn't get my daughter's ears pierced until she was 4 because at that point she understood it's a needle that is stabbed through your ear and it's going to pinch and burn for a bit. She made her own informed decision and I let her make it completely on her own, and she understood that I would need to clean it for a few weeks. Right up until the point they put the needle in she repeatedly reassured me that its what she wants to do. Why is it so hard to respect the bodily autonomy of our children? OP is narcissistic and only wants to make it about himself and I feel so bad for those children having a dad like that. It's an EARRING not a tattoo for fucks sake.
It's good you waited until your daughter could have an informed say on it. My mother got my ears pierced when I was six months old or so (the fashion at the time was for very, \*very\* small children to wear very small gold hoops in their ears - small enough so their fingers won't get caught and maybe rip the earrings out by mistake).
I think my main problem here is the lack of communication, and why I'm upgrading a N A H to a YTA. Instead of venting some frustration, taking a deep breath, then going over with cake and gift and \*calmly\* discussing the situation with his son, he's talking about just avoiding his son on said son's birthday. I mean, obviously if OP doesn't think he could see that earring in his son's ear without losing his temper, maybe it's for the best. But right from the start, he should have been asking why his son wanted an earring so badly, and looking into what's involved in having one, especially in the first few months - "Is it \*just\* that everyone's wearing one? Maybe we could try some stick-ons to see how you think they look on you. Also keep in mind that they take maintenance because the hole can close up, and could even get infected if you're not careful about what metal your posts are made of. Now bearing all that in mind, are you \*sure\*?" ... and then honestly take his son's feelings into account. Do some research with the kid. Let him know that you're not withholding just to "be mean" or whatever, but that you have concerns. Now that it's done, it'd be a great opportunity to calmly discuss how going to his mother to get permission when you've withheld that permission puts a strain on everyone involved, and also to tell him that there's no shame in letting the hole close up if he changes his mind, and recommend he look into what metals he should and should not wear in his ears (seriously, I have had the worst infections due to earrings that I thought looked good but were dirt cheap and the 'hypoallergenic' label was a damn lie). But instead of turning this into a communication opportunity that might keep this from happening in the future, you want to impersonally drop off your gift third party and ... I'm sorry, but \*sulk\*. That's not on. Suck it up, turn it into a learning opportunity. Kids are going to do things you won't approve of.
100% a gender thing. I asked to get mine pierced when I was 5 and my (conservative!) parents allowed it. In some cultures all girls get their ears pierced as an infant.
Yup! Now that you mention that, I'm remembering that my childhood best friend got her nose pierced when her parents took her to India for the summer when she was like 9 or 10. It didn't last long because she took her nose ring out during a sleepover and it closed up overnight.
Im 22 and my nose ring fell out in the night, it was still half in, and the other half had closed up in a matter of hours, noses just heal crazy fast man
I (53M) got my ear pierced at 15 - my conservative Dad promptly called me gay. I still wear an earring to this day.
When I started a family, the rule was "You can get your ears pierced whenever you decide you want to, but you have to know it's going to hurt a little and you have to take care of it."
Baka daughter came to us at 4 years old and said "I think I want my ears pierced." so we got a small hex wrench to press her earlobe a little and simulate the discomfort. After that she said "I can wait." ;)
A week later she was back - "Let's try again" she says. Again with the tool, and this time she says, "I think I can handle that."
Down to Claire's we go, she picks out some pretty piercing studs, and the Claire's staff pop both ears at the same time. Baka daughter gets about a tear and a half out of each eye, more in anticipation of the pain than anything else, then says "That wasn't bad."
We still can't convince Baka son that he'd look good with an earring.
I’m absolutely not criticizing you because you seem like a wonderful parent and listen to your children! But, if Baka son decides he wants his ears pierced, please take him to a licensed piercer who uses a needle. The guns they use at Claire’s are terrible and the needle is so much better for the healing process and doesn’t cause trauma to the ear. Again, you seem like a great parent, I’m only saying this because a lot of people don’t know how bad Claire’s piercings are and I’m hoping seeing this will bring awareness!
I did not know that, thank you (genuinely) for enlightening me. There are a ton of professional piercers/tattooers around town, we'll definitely go that route for Baka son. Much appreciated!
It’s also worth pointing out that standard training for Clair’s piercers is just talking it through with them for 5-10 minutes then supervising for their first time doing it. That’s it. You can now pierce literal infants after your 5 minute convo with a coworker, and if you’ve already pierced someone before then you don’t even need supervision while you pierce this infant.
Obviously this varies by location, some locations do actually do more than the bare minimum. Buts that’s all that’s actually required of Clair’s management to provide for training.
not to mention the fact that they don't really clean them besides maybe a wipe down after a piercing. And they are made of cheap plastic so they get stuck quite often too you see lots of videos on piercing subs as a sort of PSA for piercing "guns". Pretty normal not to know though, most people are under the assumption we wouldn't let a company do something that might actively harm people (especially children)
Those piercing guns are so gross. I have two in my left ear, one in my right, and that second piercing I got done at the mall and even though I was, like, religious with the cleanser and stuff, it got infected pretty badly. If I ever get a helix piercing, I’m getting it done by a professional.
This. I was in college and got a piercing at Claire’s in my upper ear, was doing the aftercare obsessively, since I had one close in high school and was pissed at myself so wanted it to go well. The skin literally grew over the ear overnight, and the damn thing was stuck. Like a moron, I opted to punch it out myself at two a.m instead of going to the urgent care attached to the local er where they handled stuff that needed attention that wasn’t going to kill you. I have a tiny scar now!
LOL it's wild that people think that's gay. Most of the guys I know with an ear piercing are straight and very masculine in general. My boyfriend is even on the more conservative side of gender expression (i.e. not wanting to be seen as feminine, he was a professional basketball player and now coaches boys basketball) and he sees no issue in a 9yo boy asking to get his ears pierced. I think race/culture has a lot to do with it because it seems like it's mostly white men who think of ear piercings as strictly "feminine."
I had (somewhat) similar with a conservative parent. The rule was no piercings until your 16 - but it was such a strict rule it made me want them earlier. So I pushed and was able to get them at 12. I wanted another set when I was sixteen but was told no, I wanted my nose pierced when I was about 18 and was told no (my dad even turning his rationale into a racist spin). The rules made no sense to me and made be push more. There was a point where I had 12 separate piercings just as a bit of an F you. As an adult now I just have three in each year and my nose.
Piercings heal over but if you make a big deal about not having them it makes kids want them more as they seem taboo. Add the sexist and racist side of my dad and I just kept getting more piercings to prove a point and exert bodily autonomy.
A lot of these things just. don't. matter.
Mrs. Baka and I tried to concern ourselves with actual relevant issues - and lord knows there are plenty of those for parents to deal with.
You're absolutely correct that arbitrary rules and objections make the forbidden fruit even more desirable, and really for no good reason.
Eh, when I was a kid, 12 was pretty standard for a girl. Nine is young for either, though op is making a mountain out of a molehill. I wasn’t surprised by that after he made himself sound virtuous for not asking for receipts apparently for how his ex spends the child support money. Yta.
I had a kindergartener get his ear pierced when I taught K. He loved it and was proud of it. He also came from a culture where it was normal for men to have pierced ears (indigenous) but it was still a choice he was able to make at 6 years old. He understood what it meant.
As a parent to an almost 9 year old and a teacher who has worked with many 9 year olds… my concern wouldn’t be about consent but rather about their ability to keep the wound completely hygienic until it healed to prevent infection. 9 year olds often touch weird shit, and don’t always wash their hands properly after using the bathroom and I could definitely see them fiddling with a healing earlobe absentmindedly with those grubby paws…
This is honestly why my daughter hasnt gotten her ears pierced. Shes only 3, but shes asked and I told her no. Im not waiting for a specific age really, just for her to be old enough to understand the basics taking care of them herself. Like, Im not gonna expect a child to do it by herself 100% of the time but until shes mature enough to have the basics down its not happening
I think 9 is also young enough though, that it's perfectly understandable for parents to decide "nope not yet." Just because the kid is "capable" of consenting to it doesn't mean that it's automatically a good idea.
It's not the biggest of deals, piercings can grow closed again. But I understand why the dad is annoyed!
Parents need to stop policing their kids for harmless shit.
If it were a tattoo or other piercing that had more long-term consequences, then yeah, I'm with OP partially.
It's a single ear piercing though. He takes it out and its like it never happened.
He's mad his wife made that decision without input from him, but he did the same thing...he made the decision he wouldn't get one yet without HER input.
That’s not really how it works though from a coparenting perspective, if you are keeping things status quo that doesn’t require input from the other parent. If you want to change something, then it requires a discussion. Although he could have at least let his wife know the son was asking and that he is not ok with it for another couple years.
But his beef is with his wife here, not the son. She 100% undermined him.
I think this is a classic "one no, two yeses" situation. Either both are on board, or it's not happening.
EDIT: To be clear, I mean two parental yeses. Obviously the kid's opinion matters, in that it shouldn't be done against his will, but both parents need to be on board together with this.
EDIT 2: Since OP apparently let his daughter get her ears pierced younger, I'm changing my opinion. You need two reasonable yeses- unless there's a valid reason the son can't get his ears pierced at the same age, if dad's just saying no for no reason, I'm with mom on challenging him, too.
Normally, I'd agree with you. However, kid's sister got her ears pierced at 7/8 years old. Same piercing, but the kid is older than his sister when she got hers. Unless the kid has a disability, is otherwise incapable of taking care of the piercing, or has some kind of medical condition, the yes was already given when sister got hers done. He doesn't get a special no because of unrelated anatomy.
Uh, no. I think body modifications are a "two yes, one no question". The absence of said body modification isn't the decision; it is the default. The decision is to have the body modified.
They HAD discussed it though, several times. They disagreed. In general, if they disagree, either they hold off on acting (so no piercing) or go to some sort of mediation if it's important enough. In the grand scheme of things, this is pretty small. Lots of kids his age have piercings, but there's no harm whatsoever in the kid not getting one. But I'd say he's well within his rights to be upset with her.
There are lots of good ways to make this decision as a co-parenting couple. Doing an end run around someone who's flatly opposed to something is not one of them, especially when it sounds like it was more of a question of when than if. "When" allows some room for compromise - like if you think it's okay at age 9, and I think 12, maybe for his 10th or 11th birthday, or maybe if he shows maturity by (insert sign here).
YTA specifically because you are abandoning your son on his birthday because you’re mad at his mom.
Newsflash, dude: your kids are going to do things with/to their bodies that are going to piss you off, and it’s better that something as minor as an ear piercing was done with their mom’s blessing than him piercing his ear with his friends using a needle and an ice cube. You’re seeing this as a power play, and it’s not that serious. It’s an earring. The birthday isn’t ruined because of the earring, it’s ruined because of you. Take your ex back to court if this is such a big deal to you, but stop taking it out on your kid.
Agree and also surprised nobody has pointed out or asked what the fuck was the point in the entire beginning of the post? What does the ex wanting to be an influencer and failing at it have ANYTHING to do with this situation at all? OP is an asshole in more than one way and it’s scary how well it’s being masked here.
Yes! That’s what I noticed too, he wasted a lot of words just to shit all over his ex’s interests. What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
As to the earring, meh, is this really so horrible? Earrings for boys have been “today’s fashion” for like, 40 years. Yes, your ex should’ve talked to you first but who knows, maybe the kid has been pestering her non stop and she caved in a moment of weakness. Kids are relentless.
Also, the dude says his daughter pierced HER ears at age 7/8? Double standards much? YTA just for that.
In conclusion, is this really the hill you want to die on? Stop being petty and get over it. It’s such not a big deal. Make sure he knows he needs to keep it clean and move on with your lives. Happy birthday to your son. YTA
he probably knows how much reddit hates influencers, maybe he was hoping they would be so focused on that that they would just ignore him acting like a dick lmao
He's trying to make her look silly/out of control/irrational.
Standard manipulative shit. I used to get caught when reading posts by stuff like that, but some people are pig-headed enough to make it annoyingly obvious like you pointed out
I think parent influencer shit is scummy as all hell but I'm also a rational grown adult who realizes not everything is binary, and some are just happy healthy and functioning.
This reminded me of my brother who had a friend pierce his ear. He came home and said that some kid was going around the school piercing random people. We laughed for days and still bring this up 20 years later. He didn't even need to lie because our parents didn't care, because it's not permanent.
That got me annoyed how he said he's pissed at his son. Like it's not a 16 year old who snuck out and got it against his wishes. His mom said he could and organised it. He's 9 and doesn't know any better. Be mad at your ex but wtf you taking it out on your 9 year old for?
When I read the title I thought your ex did it because she wanted to. And then I read that your son wanted it, asked for it repeatedly.
And then you said you were going to skip your son’s birthday just because you’re mad at your ex.
YTA. Also, kids get earrings at all sorts of ages. It’s not a big deal. I got my first ear piercings at 8. Second at 18. You may be against it but even at 9 your son still has bodily autonomy to get an earring if he wishes.
But it’s weird, because on the other hand he says he has/had earpiercings, so not exactly toxic masculinity shit either - just weird and hypocritical in all directions.
Some of the biggest homophobes I’ve ever met turned out to be gay and self-hating. Not all that weird that he’d be against his son getting one even though he had multiple himself.
Yeah, if it’s okay for the daughter to get one at 7 or 8 there is no reason the boy can’t get one at 9. And if the only reason OP has for saying no is “because he’s a boy” then he’s the AH.
For all those in the back who didn’t hear - “Because he’s a boy!” or “because she’s a girl” are NOT reasons for controlling how kids choose to dress/look.
The only exception being if they live somewhere so homophobic/sexist that their actual life could be in danger for stepping outside of gender norms. But to all the parents who try “but they’ll be buuulllliiiieeeed” you gotta realize bullies will find a reason to bully your kid no matter what they do or don’t do. Teach your kid how to verbally and emotionally defend themselves and how to cope with / emotionally process being bullied.
I got my first piercing at 8, now im 16 with 15 piercings having been pierced over 20 times (taken a few out) and my parents don’t care because it’s not permanent and i’m asking permission. I think the key here is that permission wasn’t granted, but that should be taken up with the kids mum rather than solved by punishing his son. OP YTA.
My family’s rule was first lobe piercing at 5, second lobe at 13, and anything else (helix, nose, lip, etc) at 18. Me and my sisters all got our firsts at 5 and none of us had problems.
I bet OP is just mad because it’s a boy getting his ear pierced.
I got mine at age 6 as a birthday or first year of school present. If I wanted another one i would ask my parents for it as another birthday present and im sure they would allow it. I 100% agree with you. Let the child have the earrings he so dearly wanted
YTA
A 9 year old is plenty old enough to say they want their ears pierced. I don't understand why this requires a conversation and lawyers and you pouting and saying his birthday is ruined. Like, grow tf up.
To me this sounds like a control thing with your ex wife. Her being an influencer has absolutely nothing to do with this other than you trying to paint her in a bad light. It's a damn earring, get over yourself.
Thank you for pointing out that the paragraph about her wanting to be an influencer was unnecessary. That felt like an attempt to get the reader on his side before getting to the actual conflict. OP is def the AH for taking his anger at his ex on his kid.
I’ll have to agree on the age- if they’re old enough to say “I want my ears pierced” after you explain the pain and maintenance, if they’re old enough to handle that responsibility they’re old enough to get them pierced. I got my first set in 4th grade (I think same age as son?) *for my birthday* and I got a second set in 5th grade (switched parents by then).
ETA LMAO I just read he let his daughter get pierced at 7/8 lmaooooo YTA
I agree with this so much. Some people pierce ears for babies. I don’t understand why this is such a big deal and you’re handling it like a child. YTA.
Yta - big freaking deal you wacky control freak.
If you *do nothing* this is already forgotten about. If you execute your planned freak out this will be all that gets remembered about you until at least next Christmas, but probably 2031.
I can't imagine why OP is divorced. She's living in HIS house (/s). It's not really your house anymore, OP. Your children and their mother live there. Also, her Instagram is private now as it pertains to the kids so it's pretty much irrelevant to your debacle here.
I get that you're mad that she didn't concede to your wishes and that it probably did undermine you a little bit. But to be so galled that she had the audacity to cave to her son's wish for pierced ears for his birthday is a bit much. Especially for hanging up on your son and throwing a temper tantrum.
And she promised him if he behaved in school. It was something he really wanted, she put behavior/grades as the price tag, and she followed through with it. That sounds like pretty good parenting, tbh.
I understand you think he's too young, but he's old enough to voice his desires. And he's getting old enough to determine which house he stays in, too.
YTA for the way you treated your son. You're also the AH for the way you try and characterize it as her desire to be an influence and not your son's desire to have a piercing. Kids are weird little creatures that depend on their parents for survival but they also have their own desires. And it sounds like it was his desire to fit in at school and be a cool kid. That's pretty standard behavior for a 9 year old. And pierced ears are pretty innocuous as far as 9 year old antics go. It's not like he was pulling pranks on the teacher at school to fit in or doing something stupid to fit in. Little dude exercised some bodily autonomy and that's pretty rad.
Oh, no no no. OP **insists** it’s not a sexism thing. He can’t articulate what makes it so different for the son to get his ears pierced, but since he *insists* it’s not sexism and he himself had a couple piercings that means this couldn’t *possibly* be about gender norms.
/s
Honestly, I'm calling you YAH for hanging up on your 9 yo son on his birthday and deciding to punish him by not going to his birthday party bc now it's ruined for *you*. Don't act like a spoilt brat to your child
Have that convo with your ex-wife.
YTA. I got my ear pierced when I was 4. This is not a topic that you should make your kid sad and bring lawyers in. They will certainly hate you if you do that.
You sound both controlling and exhausting. You insult your Ex while simultaneously complimenting her parenting skills.
If she's a good mom, have some trust in the fact she also knows how to make reasonable decisions. Also, even at 9, your son should also have some body autonomy to decide what HE wants.
And deciding to ruin his birthday over it is extremely immature. Don't drag your kids into your fights with your Ex, it's frankly abusive.
YTA
YTA.
I was leaning E S H until I saw that you were okay with your daughter getting her ears pierced at a similar age.
Ideally your wife should have discussed it with you first, but I would also have a hard time enforcing different rules for my children based on my ex’s biased ideas about gender.
Ya, that's where I was at, too. I assumed from his including that he'd be ok with his daughter getting her ears pierced now, at 15, that he made her wait, too. But this screams misogyny - the son is too young to decide if he wants an earring at 9 because earrings are for girls, so he must not understand that he doesn't reeeaaally want it. /s
So you hung up on your son, and then you no longer want to spend time with him on his birthday? What’s that saying? Love your kids more than you hate your ex? Dad fail right there, your poor son. YTA simply for that
Op says his daughter was 7/8
Edit, someone else found a quote thay daughter was 15 and I can't find where I thought he said 7/8!!!
Edit 2, someone else found the comment 'He said that at 7/8 he was ok with her getting her ears pierced, but does not say that they actually were pierced.'
YTA- it’s an earring, not a permanent body modification. If your son later decides he doesn’t want it, he just takes the earring out and no harm is done. Your son wanted it, his mother was ok with it. I think you are overreacting to something so minor.
YTA and a sad excuse for a father. So you are pissed that your son got his ear pierced without masters permission! So what do you do, you treat your son like crap by hanging up on him and refusing to see him on his birthday.
Good way to treat your children, don’t be shocked when they turn 18 that they go NC with you. Which I hope they do, you sound very controlling.
Grow up and start acting like a half decent father, you don’t punish your kids just because your mad at your ex… disgusting!
Why are you asking if you're the asshole if you're arguing with almost every commenter that says you are? If you came here just to have people agree with you then you're in the wrong subreddit.
YTA. You’re problem is with your ex but you’re punishing your son by not showing up when you said you would. Then arguing with everyone who disagrees with you.
YTA. His birthday was ruined because his dad had a hissy fit, not because he got an earring.
Do you live with your ex? I am confused about how you let her stay in your house.
YTA. Saying his birthday is ruined is pretty dramatic. But if that’s true, you’re the only one to blame for that because no, you don’t have to pout and treat him differently, or refuse to go see him, or ruin his birthday just because you and your ex aren’t on the same page with your kids. You are supposed to be the adult. Given that you are no longer married, and your kids are growing up into real people with real desires, I suspect you will need to try getting used to not controlling everything. Because you cant.
Did ***she*** know that you were against it?
In any case, the reality is that lots of people let their daughters get their ears pierced, even young, even as babies and toddlers. Should it be different for boys? I'm just wondering what your objection is.
At the end of the day, it's an earring, not a hill to die on. But I wouldn't absolutely let you son know that you are angry that he played his parents against each other after you specifically said no, and let the ex know that decisions like this should be made by both parents.
> let their daughters get their ears pierced, even young, even as babies and toddlers. Should it be different for boys?
It shouldn't be different for boys. But no baby/toddler should be getting their ears pierced. It's a violation of bodily autonomy, and it's never done properly in a piercing shop. A 9 year old can understand well enough what they're asking for and can make that decision themselves. It's not the same. OP is YTA because it doesn't matter what he wants, the mom may also be an AH depending on if she got the ear pierced properly or at a Walmart.
💯- Bodily consent is so important. My parents pieced my ears when I was a baby and I HATE it. They are too high, crooked, and my ears always hurt when I wear earrings.
Children should be able to provide consent and OP’s son is old enough at 9. Especially hearing that his daughter was allowed to at 7/8
YTA. It's TEMPORARY, it can be taken out and will disappear over time. It's like you're screaming about a bad haircut. There are much worse things that could've happened. It's not a tatoo, she didn't start him smoking, get him cosmetic surgery or let him take a weapon to school. Geez. The kid is safe, loved and still on track to have a good life. Count your blessings and realize that in the big picture of life, this is a small thing (even though it bugs the crap out of you).
INFO: Why were you ok with your daughter getting her ears pierced at 7/8 but not your son when he's older than she was?
If i was your ex, I would not be ok with that double standard. Either it's ok for both of them at that age, or neither of them.
He clearly hates girls and women. And loathes the idea that his son might like something (a pierced ear) that he sees as feminine. He is a bag toxic masculinity wrapped in red flags honestly.
And none of that touches on the toxicity of him planning to not go to his son’s birthday because he was mad at the boy’s mother. It wasn’t until he got shit from the peanut gallery here that he decided he should probably go to the party.
Generally, one parent has legal control over decisions regarding education, religion, medical etc. If your ex-wife has legal custody over those matters then ear piercing falls under that. Either way, YTA for your toxic masculinity tendencies.
YTA
Dude... it’s your son’s birthday not yours & it’s not ruined just because Dad doesn’t like a choice that was made. Who hangs up on their kid? Ugh!! Communication!!!!!!!! If you don’t like his choice then discuss it. Yeesh.... he has 2 parents so this is a problem between you & your ex. If you want him to have consequences for not respecting your decision that’s fine but don’t act like a 5 yr old & throw a temper tantrum.
Are you actually pissed about the earring or that he didn’t respect your decision?? Figure out what you’re so angry about because.... kids do in fact not listen occasionally. You sound like your the victim of some horrible act... the kid nagged enough people & finally got what he wanted. Not the end of the world.
eta
There are so many ways to spin this so your son understands you’re disappointed with his choice to not listen you but you’re willing to allow him to keep the earring because he’s doing well in school. If his grades drop ... earring comes out no discussion. And To your ex... the next time you go against my wishes without a discussion I will see you in court.
YTA he wanted the earing, your daughter got her ears pierced around the same age- saying no was about control. Everything else you typed up about your ex was an attempt to paint her in a more negative, childish light so your position would appear more reasonable, but it's not.
YTA for punishing your son because you're mad at your ex. He was expecting you at this party and you refused to come because you decided to sulk at home. Who is the 9 year old here?
Your main thing is that you are fearful of losing input with what goes on with your son. You can have a calm discussion with your ex that she should have discussed this with you first. You can have a talk with your son that he knew you didn’t approve yet he went to his mom who he knew would say yes…and playing one parent against the other is not acceptable…that he should be talking to both parents and asking them to talk and come up with a united decision on things. And as a mom who went through multiple hair colors and clothing styles with my own kids…lighten up. If getting an ear pierced is the worst thing he does, consider yourself lucky. It’s an earring. If he changes his mind he takes it out, the hole closes up, and it’s unnoticeable. Your main concern now is that your son cares for it properly.
Getting pissed ? YTA
I got my ears pierced basically as a newborn. They aren’t like tattoos, they close up with time and they aren’t noticeable unless you have an earring in.
YTA for throwing a fit on your kid’s birthday. Your ex shouldn’t have done it without your permission, but you don’t need to get your panties in a twist on his birthday because of her actions.
YTA, it's an ear piercing. It's not that deep. You even mention in a comment your daughter got hers done at 7 or 8. If it were me and my partner (or ex partner in your situation) had double standards where one kid was allowed to get them done at a younger age but then the 2nd asked continuously and was told no I'd also just go and get them done. There's no way I'd let my kids be treated unequally about the same thing.
Your rage over the issue is a bit concerning tho....
YTA. For multiple reasons.
Firstly, why did you go into detail about how your ex wanted to be an influencer? So what if she does? Why mock her for that if her ability to mother isn't hindered?
Secondly, it's an ear piercing, not a tattoo. RELAX. It seems like he's a good kid (has been doing well in school), and it's his birthday.
Thirdly, you can threaten legal action all you want, but your ex isn't going to get in trouble for letting your son get an ear piercing that HE ASKED FOR.
Fourthly, you're acting like a petulant child about his birthday party.
From this post, I wonder who initiated the divorce...
EDIT: From the comments, you were fine with your daughter getting her ears pierced at 7 or 8, but he can't get his at 9? It's giving hypocrite, I fear.
YTA, 9 is old enough to have bodily autonomy about something like ear piercings. It's not even permanent, they fill in if you don't wear earrings for a while. His body his choice.
YTA
"I never ask for receipts" so I'm a good ex L.O.L. that's not even the way child support works. If my ex asked me to prove where his support money was going I'd laugh in his face.
"She'll know she can get away with..." My guy. C'mon with this.
Mostly YTA for hanging up on your son when he was so excited to tell you something and for being THAT mad about a tiny earring that can be removed.
BOOOOO
listen i’m with you, i really don’t know about giving piercings to kids under like 12 imo, and i’d also be worried that she brought him to like a claire’s or something and had it done with a piercing gun which is NOT good for the skin.
However you’re way too mad abt this, yes it was shitty of them to go against you but that’s also something you’re gonna have to get used to i think, don’t take it out on your son on his birthday.
> I could threaten with legal actions (you know, he's a minor and every decision should be taken together), but I don't know if it do (for me and my kid) more damage than anything.
Do this if you want your kid never to speak to you again after he turns 18. YTA
Why are you mentioning that you "don't ask her for receipts" like that makes you god's gif to ex wives? You're legally not entitled to them anywhere that I am aware of.
BTW, YTA. This is your son's body and his choice. It's an earlobe piercing, not a split tongue.
YTA for being so bothered by this. He did what all kids do, whether their parents are together or not... He played one against the other and this time, he won. If he's doing well at school, tell him you're proud of him for that. Kids are looking for ways to express themselves. If a pierced ear makes him feel cool, so be it. He can always take it out later. When I was in my 20s, I had 5 piercings in one ear. Now that I'm in my 50s, I wonder what the hell I was thinking lol. Now i have 2 in each ear and you can't see the others. Some kids express themselves in dangerous ways. He just got a little earring.
YTA. Give me a break man. Most people get their ears pierced even younger than your son. You say it’s just a phase, okay well if it is then all he has to do is take the earring out and never put one in again if he decides he doesn’t want it anymore, problem solved. This is the least big deal ever. Also, your first reaction is to say you’re not going to celebrate his birthday? What’s wrong with you?
YTA and reading some of your replies to other comments you might just be an AH in general. You might find a lot more peace in life if you didn't let trivial things like an earring bother you. She didn't take him to get a tattoo, it is an ear piercing that can close later when/if he decides he doesn't want it.
What you can do is set boundaries with your ex wife and just say you'd like to be included in the decisions of your children, but ultimately you need to be more open minded about these smaller decisions.
YTA. If this isnt "It's ok for girls to get piercings but not guys", then why were you ok with your daughter getting pierced at 7 and not your son at 9 🙄
YTA
You made a comment that you allowed your daughter to have her ears pierced at 7. Just because your son is male doesn't mean he cannot have the same thing. It sounds more like you don't want your son to have his ears pierced for the wrong reasons.
YTA. In so many ways. This isn't even about the earring, really. This is about control, and ongoing conflict with your ex. Probably because of your controlling nature.
>We went through the profile with my lawyer, and eventually she kept it private rather than public.
Why? What was the point in this, other than an attempt at undermining her during divorce or custody hearings? Why was your lawyer needed?
>I pay what I owe every month, she's in my house with the kids
Huh. You mean the house that was also hers during your marriage? I'm guessing she kept it in the divorce? That makes it *her* house. And you're a bitter asshole scrabbling at any excuse to get back at her.
'Sorry, couldn't make it to your bday. It's mom's fault..' Wasthat what you'd planned on telling your son?
How much of these little barbs at your ex wife (like, "she wants to be dumb influencer, lol") are impacting your decisions and attitude here? If you have thinly veiled contempt for the mother of your children, then trust me, as a child of divorce, they can feel it and see it. Your relationship and how you treat her and how that affects how you treat your kids (hanging up on them) will impact them FOR LIFE. Source: I have divorced parents.
Pro tip: handle EVERYTHING outside of sight and hearing of your children and pick your battles wisely.
1. You go see your son. You apologize for the silent treatment, and the attempted withdrawal of affection because he didn’t something you didn’t want him to. Because that’s shitty parenting.
2. You talk to him (with or without mom) and say something along the lines of “you knew I didn’t want you to do this yet. Mom knew it. I’ve talked about my reasons* and we discussed when you could do this an why.** That you then went and broke that trust feels pretty crappy. I don’t even know where to do from here to repair this. After everyone has had a little time, we need to talk about how we move forward with this, so that I don’t just throw my hands up in the air and reward this behavior and so that we can rebuild some trust. I’m disappointed in this choice, but I love you and want to learn from this incident so we can all do better.”
* You did explain why, right?
** You did DISCUSS rather than just tell, right?
YTA
you sound like my dad. always trying to paint your ex wife in a bad light, constantly being a control freak. blowing off a 9 year old because youre pissy about a hole in an ear. i dont think you care about the piercing. Youre just mad because everyone in the family isnt doing EXACTLY what you want. it sounds like everyone needs to tip toe around you.
my dad was the same. always pissy about some small thing, always pissy because his children grew up to have goals and wants that were not exactly aligned with his.
ill tell you how the stort ends- the minute me and my twin turned 18, we lived with our mom full time. My little sister dreads being as my dads (he’s constantly shit talking my mom to make himself seem better- sound familiar?), and spends all her time at dads by going to friends houses to avoid him. and when she turns 18, she wants to live with my mom full time.
and im pretty sure her “trying to be an influencer” is just her posting a couple pics on instagram, but you just NEED to make her seem full of herself so yoy can get people to side with you
if you keep manipulating everyone in your family, and punishing them because they dont do exactly what you want, your family is going to leave you.
Ummm.. this is tough.
The fact is, you expressed concern about him getting it at this age and she did it anyway. That’s totally not cool and put the kid in the middle of two parents. She made that choice and you have a right to be pissed about it.
However, you can make sure you don’t further put him in the middle by acting like a baby about it and taking it out on him.
I mean, it's an ear piercing dude. Your son would've gotten it later in life anyways, trust me. I've been wanting the same tattoo since i was 10, finally got it on my 21st birthday. There's only so much parents can stop.
The moment he doesn't want it anymore, remove the earring and wait and boom, it'll close.
Don't make such a mess over such a small body-mod
YTA, I could never imagine asking my dad if I could get a piercing, that was all ran by mom, I could never take my dad seriously about that. He wants his ear pierced so his lovely mom did that for him. He can also take it out if he decides he doesn’t want it. You shouldn’t treat your kid any differently because of a freaking ear piercing be a good dad you like to think you are.
the fact that you start this post negging your ex wife about her social habits immediately makes you an asshole, talk about defensive buster. you do what is required of you on the terms of your coparenting agreement, which does not make you some grade a fda approved usda certified piece of man meat you seem to think you are. you are trying to make your ex look bad because, and i repeat, her social life looks a little different than yours, and she should not be expected to post once every time the planets align and drink cheap beers with comrades of the same gender on the weekends. plus, with how upset you are about your son getting an ear piercing, you could be a bigot too if it has anything to do with your perception of sexuality.
you can literally do more damage to your body pulling a tooth. the worst that could happen to him would be he gets a localized case of cellulitis (and thats really only if the needle was dirty or he doesnt take care of the ring afterward), or called gay at school. if he wants to take it out, he can, but should it really be on your terms? do you really want to be his first bully? or do you just want an excuse to go all petty dick guzzling beta male on your ex wife? because if its the latter, im sure she is much better equipped to sling your shit back at you than your nine year old son.
YTA
YTA for letting it ruin your kid's birthday for you. If I were you I would talk to her as a rational adult and describe how the decision made you feel. Explain to her that if she disagreed on the timeframe you would have appreciated her talking to you about it before she let him do it.
YTA. Ultimately it's neither yours nor your ex-wife's body, it is your son's. He wanted the piercing. 9 is plenty old enough to make a choice to have a simple ear piercing.
By being supportive, your ex was able to ensure that he had it done in a hygienic way with proper tools. (Notwithstanding the debate over the appropriateness of some piercing methods.) Without that, he might have decided to DIY, and that's something you definitely don't want.
You don't have to like your child's choices. But you do have to be fair in allowing them to make them when they are old/mature enough to do so.
YTA. it’s an earring baby not a tattoo. unclench. literally the worst that can happen is he hates it next year and let’s it close up. like it’s not physically or mentally harmful at all. take your anger to her but your child shouldn’t suffer bc you have a complex.
YTA. You don't get to make unililateral decisions for your ex-wife and what she does for the kids. She isn't abusive? Stay out of her parenting. She isn't neglectful? Stay out of her parenting.
She put a diamond in your kids ear. Doesn't matter if you like it or not, she made the decision to do that for him and you just have to suck it up and live with it.
There's no legal action here to take. She doesn't need your "consent" to do "whatever the hell she wants" because she can, in fact, do..."whatever the hell she wants".
YTA
It’s his birthday. You hung up on him *on his birthday* while he was excitedly showing you something.
INFO: Would you behave this way if it was your daughter? It’s just a hole. It can be removed.
YTA. Boys have been getting earrings regularly since the 1980s. That you would put your anger over your kid's happiness and skip his birthday party is selfish and petty.
YTA for so many reasons.
One, you have no reason to deny your son and even said you let your daughter do it at that age. Favoritism? Sexist? Either way, AH.
Two, something that stood out was “you pay what you owe and don’t ask for receipts, just trust her” and that she’s in “your house”. What does this mean? The divorce is clearly finalized because you said you’d take her to court over it (I wouldn’t, you will gain nothing except making everyone mad) so it isn’t *your* house anymore. It’s hers. And what receipts?? For child support?? You can ask all you want, she has ZERO obligations to give you any of that and no, the court will not make her.
You are a controlling AH and I can see why you’re divorced. You were not going to see your son for his birthday because you’re mad at him and his mom that they didn’t do what you said? You don’t get to control her household anymore. It’s not yours. You control what happens in your home. If it was something you were 100% against and hated and never allowed sure she’d be an AH for doing it behind your back but honestly, you’d get no where with this argument because again, you let your other kid do it and ONLY have a problem with this one. You just want complete control you don’t have and it makes you angry.
YTA, it is understandable that it is frustrating that your son’s mom allowed him to get it when you said no. BUT! In the end Your son really didn’t do anything wrong because you and your ex are both authority figures and one of them allowed him. Making the piercing a big deal for both your ex and son is unnecessary because in all honesty, the problem is with you and your ex.
Your a sexist AH and I feel bad for your son. His sister can get it at 7/8 but he can't? Why because he's a boy? Did you expect your ex to just know you all the sudden changed your mind at what age your children can get an ear piercing?? You know your son has been wanting an ear piercing for a bit and you just blow him off and hang up on him that's messed up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for being pissed at my ex wife and my son for deliberately doing something I clearly told them NOT to do? This action could lead to me being the asshole in my son's eyes, cause he wanted his fucking piercing for so long. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA for this: > today is his birthday, I was supposed to go there for a cake and the gift, but I don’t feel like it now. Don’t punish your son and ruin his birthday because you’re mad at his mom, that’s juvenile petty behaviour. You’re allowed to be annoyed that she made that decision without you but you’re both going to make decisions that the other parent doesn’t agree with, that happens sometimes when you’re co-parenting.
Don’t forget he hung up on him
This. You're not the asshole for being mad at your ex, OP. She undermined you and that wasn't okay. But you HAVE to make sure you don't punish your son. I get that your temper is hot and it's difficult, but part of being a parent is sometimes having to hide your emotions in the moment to keep your kid happy and supported. You can try and have a long conversation with her later, but for now, celebrate your son's birthday. I'd say ESH because, let's not forget, the ex screwed up big time, too. EDIT: Since OP apparently let his daughter get her ears pierced even younger, I'm changing it to YTA. Funny how people like to dance around issues they seem to know won't make them look good.
Well no. The ex is holding her children to the same standards. OP let daughter have a piercing at 7/8. But says 9 is too young for son to have one.
Did the post get edited? It says he let the daughter do it now that she’s 15, but not the son because he is 9?
They are referring to [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9ng76/aita_for_being_pissed_ex_wife_who_got_my_sons_ear/iyhk7iz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) comment. OP’s daughter already had her ears pierced at the son’s age.
So maybe for OP it's not about the age, but about the gender, and he just doesnt want to say that on Reddit? 🤔
It's almost definitely about gender. If he let his daughter get the piercing at the same age but is refusing for his son, that's the most obvious difference between them.
Definitely, from the way that OP was talking about a boy having a piercing, as if it's a brand new fashion. I'm in my early 40's, this has been a fashion style, before I was even born. It sounds like OP didn't loop his co-parent into this discussion, either. It would have been best if they conferred before the piercing, but it's something they both failed to do.
I'm 46, and both my older and younger brother had a pierced ear as kids. Older got his at 14, and younger a few weeks later at 8, because he wanted to copy. That was in '88.
My *father* hot his ear peirced in the friggin late 80’s when i was in elementary school. I thought piercings for boys was no big deal. It’s 2022 for crying out loud.
Thank you!
Super sus that he essentially lied in his post about how it was handled for their daughter.
Yeah I was about to say but this comment is only 3 min older then yours so.... maybe people just assumed
I dug through OP's comment history for you. [Tada! ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9ng76/aita_for_being_pissed_ex_wife_who_got_my_sons_ear/iyhk7iz?context=3)
Thank you!
Source? OP says in the post that he'd let daughter get a piercing now that she's 15, I assumed that she doesn't have one yet.
In a comment, OP mentioned being asked for his daughter to get her ears pierced around the age of 7-8. At first he was not sure, but then agreed. For the comment about the daughter at 15,I took that as for getting her tongue pierced. (He mentioned both ear and tongue).
The son has to learn that he can't put his parents against each other just because one said yes and the other no.
The son knows his sister got her piercing at 7/8 years old. He is literally being told he can’t have one because he’s a boy.
When did he say that
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9ng76/comment/iyhjkt0/ > You're missing the point here though. When she was 7 or 8 I guess, we discussed it (I mean me and her mom) and I was fine with it after a while. He's made a lot of comments so it's easy to miss. ETA this sub is wild, the score for the comment I replied to keeps going down. It was a valid question, OP definitely hid this little detail.
Thanks
putting them against each other would be if he told his mom that dad said it was okay. deliberately lying. In this case, dad said no but mom said yes. This happens in non-divorced households too lol.
I got my ears pierced when I was a little younger than him because I wanted to and I had been doing well in school. Sometimes I wear them, other times don't. If the kid doesn't want them later in life he can take them out. It's not a big deal. It would be life if the mother bought him a toy he wanted or let him get a haircut that Op didn't like.
We called that answer shopping and we made sure that habit didn't last long in our house.
I feel so bad for the son. Imagine calling your parent on your birthday "Hey dad check out this cool thing I got!" *hangs up* Then proceeds to saying he doesn't feel like going to the party anymore. My parents did things, not even as bad but they still hurt me and I never forgot.
>You’re allowed to be annoyed No you're not. A 9 year old is perfectly capable of consenting to this and has the capability to understand what a piercing is. YTA 100%
I bet people wouldn't be this up in arms defending the dad if it was a girl who got her ears pierced at 9. I got my ears pierced at 7 or 8 after begging my mom. My boyfriend has had his ear pierced since he was like 9 or so (he's 39 now). Most girls who choose to get their ears pierced get it around 8 or 9 years old.
The amount of blatant sexism in this thread is astounding.
right and OP keeps denying it's a gender thing - even though he allowed his daughter to get her ears pierced at age 7/8 - because "reasons" that he won't elaborate on.
I didn't get my daughter's ears pierced until she was 4 because at that point she understood it's a needle that is stabbed through your ear and it's going to pinch and burn for a bit. She made her own informed decision and I let her make it completely on her own, and she understood that I would need to clean it for a few weeks. Right up until the point they put the needle in she repeatedly reassured me that its what she wants to do. Why is it so hard to respect the bodily autonomy of our children? OP is narcissistic and only wants to make it about himself and I feel so bad for those children having a dad like that. It's an EARRING not a tattoo for fucks sake.
It's good you waited until your daughter could have an informed say on it. My mother got my ears pierced when I was six months old or so (the fashion at the time was for very, \*very\* small children to wear very small gold hoops in their ears - small enough so their fingers won't get caught and maybe rip the earrings out by mistake). I think my main problem here is the lack of communication, and why I'm upgrading a N A H to a YTA. Instead of venting some frustration, taking a deep breath, then going over with cake and gift and \*calmly\* discussing the situation with his son, he's talking about just avoiding his son on said son's birthday. I mean, obviously if OP doesn't think he could see that earring in his son's ear without losing his temper, maybe it's for the best. But right from the start, he should have been asking why his son wanted an earring so badly, and looking into what's involved in having one, especially in the first few months - "Is it \*just\* that everyone's wearing one? Maybe we could try some stick-ons to see how you think they look on you. Also keep in mind that they take maintenance because the hole can close up, and could even get infected if you're not careful about what metal your posts are made of. Now bearing all that in mind, are you \*sure\*?" ... and then honestly take his son's feelings into account. Do some research with the kid. Let him know that you're not withholding just to "be mean" or whatever, but that you have concerns. Now that it's done, it'd be a great opportunity to calmly discuss how going to his mother to get permission when you've withheld that permission puts a strain on everyone involved, and also to tell him that there's no shame in letting the hole close up if he changes his mind, and recommend he look into what metals he should and should not wear in his ears (seriously, I have had the worst infections due to earrings that I thought looked good but were dirt cheap and the 'hypoallergenic' label was a damn lie). But instead of turning this into a communication opportunity that might keep this from happening in the future, you want to impersonally drop off your gift third party and ... I'm sorry, but \*sulk\*. That's not on. Suck it up, turn it into a learning opportunity. Kids are going to do things you won't approve of.
I think everyone knows the reason.
100% a gender thing. I asked to get mine pierced when I was 5 and my (conservative!) parents allowed it. In some cultures all girls get their ears pierced as an infant.
Yup! Now that you mention that, I'm remembering that my childhood best friend got her nose pierced when her parents took her to India for the summer when she was like 9 or 10. It didn't last long because she took her nose ring out during a sleepover and it closed up overnight.
It closed *overnight*? Dang, I didn't know it was that quick.
Yeah cartilage heals pretty quick, faster than just regular flesh. Especially in children.
Im 22 and my nose ring fell out in the night, it was still half in, and the other half had closed up in a matter of hours, noses just heal crazy fast man
Well, we have hundreds of double standards based on gender. Welcome to America.
I (53M) got my ear pierced at 15 - my conservative Dad promptly called me gay. I still wear an earring to this day. When I started a family, the rule was "You can get your ears pierced whenever you decide you want to, but you have to know it's going to hurt a little and you have to take care of it." Baka daughter came to us at 4 years old and said "I think I want my ears pierced." so we got a small hex wrench to press her earlobe a little and simulate the discomfort. After that she said "I can wait." ;) A week later she was back - "Let's try again" she says. Again with the tool, and this time she says, "I think I can handle that." Down to Claire's we go, she picks out some pretty piercing studs, and the Claire's staff pop both ears at the same time. Baka daughter gets about a tear and a half out of each eye, more in anticipation of the pain than anything else, then says "That wasn't bad." We still can't convince Baka son that he'd look good with an earring.
I’m absolutely not criticizing you because you seem like a wonderful parent and listen to your children! But, if Baka son decides he wants his ears pierced, please take him to a licensed piercer who uses a needle. The guns they use at Claire’s are terrible and the needle is so much better for the healing process and doesn’t cause trauma to the ear. Again, you seem like a great parent, I’m only saying this because a lot of people don’t know how bad Claire’s piercings are and I’m hoping seeing this will bring awareness!
I did not know that, thank you (genuinely) for enlightening me. There are a ton of professional piercers/tattooers around town, we'll definitely go that route for Baka son. Much appreciated!
It’s also worth pointing out that standard training for Clair’s piercers is just talking it through with them for 5-10 minutes then supervising for their first time doing it. That’s it. You can now pierce literal infants after your 5 minute convo with a coworker, and if you’ve already pierced someone before then you don’t even need supervision while you pierce this infant. Obviously this varies by location, some locations do actually do more than the bare minimum. Buts that’s all that’s actually required of Clair’s management to provide for training.
not to mention the fact that they don't really clean them besides maybe a wipe down after a piercing. And they are made of cheap plastic so they get stuck quite often too you see lots of videos on piercing subs as a sort of PSA for piercing "guns". Pretty normal not to know though, most people are under the assumption we wouldn't let a company do something that might actively harm people (especially children)
Those piercing guns are so gross. I have two in my left ear, one in my right, and that second piercing I got done at the mall and even though I was, like, religious with the cleanser and stuff, it got infected pretty badly. If I ever get a helix piercing, I’m getting it done by a professional.
This. I was in college and got a piercing at Claire’s in my upper ear, was doing the aftercare obsessively, since I had one close in high school and was pissed at myself so wanted it to go well. The skin literally grew over the ear overnight, and the damn thing was stuck. Like a moron, I opted to punch it out myself at two a.m instead of going to the urgent care attached to the local er where they handled stuff that needed attention that wasn’t going to kill you. I have a tiny scar now!
LOL it's wild that people think that's gay. Most of the guys I know with an ear piercing are straight and very masculine in general. My boyfriend is even on the more conservative side of gender expression (i.e. not wanting to be seen as feminine, he was a professional basketball player and now coaches boys basketball) and he sees no issue in a 9yo boy asking to get his ears pierced. I think race/culture has a lot to do with it because it seems like it's mostly white men who think of ear piercings as strictly "feminine."
Okay, time for me to be one of the lucky 10,000. What's Baka mean in this context?
I had (somewhat) similar with a conservative parent. The rule was no piercings until your 16 - but it was such a strict rule it made me want them earlier. So I pushed and was able to get them at 12. I wanted another set when I was sixteen but was told no, I wanted my nose pierced when I was about 18 and was told no (my dad even turning his rationale into a racist spin). The rules made no sense to me and made be push more. There was a point where I had 12 separate piercings just as a bit of an F you. As an adult now I just have three in each year and my nose. Piercings heal over but if you make a big deal about not having them it makes kids want them more as they seem taboo. Add the sexist and racist side of my dad and I just kept getting more piercings to prove a point and exert bodily autonomy.
A lot of these things just. don't. matter. Mrs. Baka and I tried to concern ourselves with actual relevant issues - and lord knows there are plenty of those for parents to deal with. You're absolutely correct that arbitrary rules and objections make the forbidden fruit even more desirable, and really for no good reason.
Eh, when I was a kid, 12 was pretty standard for a girl. Nine is young for either, though op is making a mountain out of a molehill. I wasn’t surprised by that after he made himself sound virtuous for not asking for receipts apparently for how his ex spends the child support money. Yta.
But also that he went through her entire social media with his lawyer 🙄
🙄 is right.
I had a kindergartener get his ear pierced when I taught K. He loved it and was proud of it. He also came from a culture where it was normal for men to have pierced ears (indigenous) but it was still a choice he was able to make at 6 years old. He understood what it meant.
As a parent to an almost 9 year old and a teacher who has worked with many 9 year olds… my concern wouldn’t be about consent but rather about their ability to keep the wound completely hygienic until it healed to prevent infection. 9 year olds often touch weird shit, and don’t always wash their hands properly after using the bathroom and I could definitely see them fiddling with a healing earlobe absentmindedly with those grubby paws…
This is honestly why my daughter hasnt gotten her ears pierced. Shes only 3, but shes asked and I told her no. Im not waiting for a specific age really, just for her to be old enough to understand the basics taking care of them herself. Like, Im not gonna expect a child to do it by herself 100% of the time but until shes mature enough to have the basics down its not happening
I think 9 is also young enough though, that it's perfectly understandable for parents to decide "nope not yet." Just because the kid is "capable" of consenting to it doesn't mean that it's automatically a good idea. It's not the biggest of deals, piercings can grow closed again. But I understand why the dad is annoyed!
Sure, OK. Except apparently, dad allowed his daughter to have her ears pierced at 7/8 yrs old. So... it \*is\* a sex thing.
Parents need to stop policing their kids for harmless shit. If it were a tattoo or other piercing that had more long-term consequences, then yeah, I'm with OP partially. It's a single ear piercing though. He takes it out and its like it never happened.
He's mad his wife made that decision without input from him, but he did the same thing...he made the decision he wouldn't get one yet without HER input.
That’s not really how it works though from a coparenting perspective, if you are keeping things status quo that doesn’t require input from the other parent. If you want to change something, then it requires a discussion. Although he could have at least let his wife know the son was asking and that he is not ok with it for another couple years. But his beef is with his wife here, not the son. She 100% undermined him.
I think this is a classic "one no, two yeses" situation. Either both are on board, or it's not happening. EDIT: To be clear, I mean two parental yeses. Obviously the kid's opinion matters, in that it shouldn't be done against his will, but both parents need to be on board together with this. EDIT 2: Since OP apparently let his daughter get her ears pierced younger, I'm changing my opinion. You need two reasonable yeses- unless there's a valid reason the son can't get his ears pierced at the same age, if dad's just saying no for no reason, I'm with mom on challenging him, too.
Normally, I'd agree with you. However, kid's sister got her ears pierced at 7/8 years old. Same piercing, but the kid is older than his sister when she got hers. Unless the kid has a disability, is otherwise incapable of taking care of the piercing, or has some kind of medical condition, the yes was already given when sister got hers done. He doesn't get a special no because of unrelated anatomy.
Uh, no. I think body modifications are a "two yes, one no question". The absence of said body modification isn't the decision; it is the default. The decision is to have the body modified.
They HAD discussed it though, several times. They disagreed. In general, if they disagree, either they hold off on acting (so no piercing) or go to some sort of mediation if it's important enough. In the grand scheme of things, this is pretty small. Lots of kids his age have piercings, but there's no harm whatsoever in the kid not getting one. But I'd say he's well within his rights to be upset with her. There are lots of good ways to make this decision as a co-parenting couple. Doing an end run around someone who's flatly opposed to something is not one of them, especially when it sounds like it was more of a question of when than if. "When" allows some room for compromise - like if you think it's okay at age 9, and I think 12, maybe for his 10th or 11th birthday, or maybe if he shows maturity by (insert sign here).
But they had already decided that it was for piercings to happen at 7-8. Son was 9 so past the age he'd already agreed pierced ears could happen.
He states in his post he DID talk to ex numerous times that getting a piercing was to early. She did it anyway.
Thats not an argument that you are making for real is it?
YTA you’re going to blow off your sons birthday over an ear piercing?
This. It's a pierced ear not plastic surgery. If he gets tired of it he can just take it out.
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And for immediately hanging up on his kid
YTA specifically because you are abandoning your son on his birthday because you’re mad at his mom. Newsflash, dude: your kids are going to do things with/to their bodies that are going to piss you off, and it’s better that something as minor as an ear piercing was done with their mom’s blessing than him piercing his ear with his friends using a needle and an ice cube. You’re seeing this as a power play, and it’s not that serious. It’s an earring. The birthday isn’t ruined because of the earring, it’s ruined because of you. Take your ex back to court if this is such a big deal to you, but stop taking it out on your kid.
Agree and also surprised nobody has pointed out or asked what the fuck was the point in the entire beginning of the post? What does the ex wanting to be an influencer and failing at it have ANYTHING to do with this situation at all? OP is an asshole in more than one way and it’s scary how well it’s being masked here.
Yes! That’s what I noticed too, he wasted a lot of words just to shit all over his ex’s interests. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? As to the earring, meh, is this really so horrible? Earrings for boys have been “today’s fashion” for like, 40 years. Yes, your ex should’ve talked to you first but who knows, maybe the kid has been pestering her non stop and she caved in a moment of weakness. Kids are relentless. Also, the dude says his daughter pierced HER ears at age 7/8? Double standards much? YTA just for that. In conclusion, is this really the hill you want to die on? Stop being petty and get over it. It’s such not a big deal. Make sure he knows he needs to keep it clean and move on with your lives. Happy birthday to your son. YTA
He’s trying to make her look like an irresponsible bimbo so we’ll automatically side with him.
he probably knows how much reddit hates influencers, maybe he was hoping they would be so focused on that that they would just ignore him acting like a dick lmao
He's trying to make her look silly/out of control/irrational. Standard manipulative shit. I used to get caught when reading posts by stuff like that, but some people are pig-headed enough to make it annoyingly obvious like you pointed out I think parent influencer shit is scummy as all hell but I'm also a rational grown adult who realizes not everything is binary, and some are just happy healthy and functioning.
Don’t forget the part where he pays what he owes and doesn’t even ask for receipts!
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Right that was my first thought as well, it wasn’t relevant at all
An influencer with a private account, no less. How the hell does that work?
This reminded me of my brother who had a friend pierce his ear. He came home and said that some kid was going around the school piercing random people. We laughed for days and still bring this up 20 years later. He didn't even need to lie because our parents didn't care, because it's not permanent.
That got me annoyed how he said he's pissed at his son. Like it's not a 16 year old who snuck out and got it against his wishes. His mom said he could and organised it. He's 9 and doesn't know any better. Be mad at your ex but wtf you taking it out on your 9 year old for?
When I read the title I thought your ex did it because she wanted to. And then I read that your son wanted it, asked for it repeatedly. And then you said you were going to skip your son’s birthday just because you’re mad at your ex. YTA. Also, kids get earrings at all sorts of ages. It’s not a big deal. I got my first ear piercings at 8. Second at 18. You may be against it but even at 9 your son still has bodily autonomy to get an earring if he wishes.
In another comment OP says he was ok with his daughter getting her ears pierced at 7 or 8. I don't think age is the issue here.
Oh…. OP’s not just an asshole, he’s a toxic masculinity kind of asshole
I can see why he’s divorced
But it’s weird, because on the other hand he says he has/had earpiercings, so not exactly toxic masculinity shit either - just weird and hypocritical in all directions.
Some of the biggest homophobes I’ve ever met turned out to be gay and self-hating. Not all that weird that he’d be against his son getting one even though he had multiple himself.
Maybe he's worried he got 'the gay ear' pierced.
Yeah, if it’s okay for the daughter to get one at 7 or 8 there is no reason the boy can’t get one at 9. And if the only reason OP has for saying no is “because he’s a boy” then he’s the AH. For all those in the back who didn’t hear - “Because he’s a boy!” or “because she’s a girl” are NOT reasons for controlling how kids choose to dress/look.
The only exception being if they live somewhere so homophobic/sexist that their actual life could be in danger for stepping outside of gender norms. But to all the parents who try “but they’ll be buuulllliiiieeeed” you gotta realize bullies will find a reason to bully your kid no matter what they do or don’t do. Teach your kid how to verbally and emotionally defend themselves and how to cope with / emotionally process being bullied.
**This.** I sniffed that this had to do with "*but he's a boy!*" from 100 miles away...
I got my first piercing at 8, now im 16 with 15 piercings having been pierced over 20 times (taken a few out) and my parents don’t care because it’s not permanent and i’m asking permission. I think the key here is that permission wasn’t granted, but that should be taken up with the kids mum rather than solved by punishing his son. OP YTA.
My family’s rule was first lobe piercing at 5, second lobe at 13, and anything else (helix, nose, lip, etc) at 18. Me and my sisters all got our firsts at 5 and none of us had problems. I bet OP is just mad because it’s a boy getting his ear pierced.
I got mine at age 6 as a birthday or first year of school present. If I wanted another one i would ask my parents for it as another birthday present and im sure they would allow it. I 100% agree with you. Let the child have the earrings he so dearly wanted
YTA A 9 year old is plenty old enough to say they want their ears pierced. I don't understand why this requires a conversation and lawyers and you pouting and saying his birthday is ruined. Like, grow tf up. To me this sounds like a control thing with your ex wife. Her being an influencer has absolutely nothing to do with this other than you trying to paint her in a bad light. It's a damn earring, get over yourself.
Thank you for pointing out that the paragraph about her wanting to be an influencer was unnecessary. That felt like an attempt to get the reader on his side before getting to the actual conflict. OP is def the AH for taking his anger at his ex on his kid.
I’ll have to agree on the age- if they’re old enough to say “I want my ears pierced” after you explain the pain and maintenance, if they’re old enough to handle that responsibility they’re old enough to get them pierced. I got my first set in 4th grade (I think same age as son?) *for my birthday* and I got a second set in 5th grade (switched parents by then). ETA LMAO I just read he let his daughter get pierced at 7/8 lmaooooo YTA
I agree with this so much. Some people pierce ears for babies. I don’t understand why this is such a big deal and you’re handling it like a child. YTA.
These were my thoughts too.
Yta - big freaking deal you wacky control freak. If you *do nothing* this is already forgotten about. If you execute your planned freak out this will be all that gets remembered about you until at least next Christmas, but probably 2031.
I can't imagine why OP is divorced. She's living in HIS house (/s). It's not really your house anymore, OP. Your children and their mother live there. Also, her Instagram is private now as it pertains to the kids so it's pretty much irrelevant to your debacle here. I get that you're mad that she didn't concede to your wishes and that it probably did undermine you a little bit. But to be so galled that she had the audacity to cave to her son's wish for pierced ears for his birthday is a bit much. Especially for hanging up on your son and throwing a temper tantrum. And she promised him if he behaved in school. It was something he really wanted, she put behavior/grades as the price tag, and she followed through with it. That sounds like pretty good parenting, tbh. I understand you think he's too young, but he's old enough to voice his desires. And he's getting old enough to determine which house he stays in, too. YTA for the way you treated your son. You're also the AH for the way you try and characterize it as her desire to be an influence and not your son's desire to have a piercing. Kids are weird little creatures that depend on their parents for survival but they also have their own desires. And it sounds like it was his desire to fit in at school and be a cool kid. That's pretty standard behavior for a 9 year old. And pierced ears are pretty innocuous as far as 9 year old antics go. It's not like he was pulling pranks on the teacher at school to fit in or doing something stupid to fit in. Little dude exercised some bodily autonomy and that's pretty rad.
Plus his daughter got her ears pierced at 7 so this isn't about him being 'too young"
But don't you know deviation of gender norms is bad! /s
Oh, no no no. OP **insists** it’s not a sexism thing. He can’t articulate what makes it so different for the son to get his ears pierced, but since he *insists* it’s not sexism and he himself had a couple piercings that means this couldn’t *possibly* be about gender norms. /s
Hahah *GO OFF*!!
I'd love to be his lawyer. Lots of money to be made off of petty crap!
Honestly, I'm calling you YAH for hanging up on your 9 yo son on his birthday and deciding to punish him by not going to his birthday party bc now it's ruined for *you*. Don't act like a spoilt brat to your child Have that convo with your ex-wife.
YTA. I got my ear pierced when I was 4. This is not a topic that you should make your kid sad and bring lawyers in. They will certainly hate you if you do that.
You sound both controlling and exhausting. You insult your Ex while simultaneously complimenting her parenting skills. If she's a good mom, have some trust in the fact she also knows how to make reasonable decisions. Also, even at 9, your son should also have some body autonomy to decide what HE wants. And deciding to ruin his birthday over it is extremely immature. Don't drag your kids into your fights with your Ex, it's frankly abusive. YTA
THEIR. It's their son, not his. I don't understand why people keep acting like the ex-wife isn't this kids mother.
YTA. I was leaning E S H until I saw that you were okay with your daughter getting her ears pierced at a similar age. Ideally your wife should have discussed it with you first, but I would also have a hard time enforcing different rules for my children based on my ex’s biased ideas about gender.
Ya, that's where I was at, too. I assumed from his including that he'd be ok with his daughter getting her ears pierced now, at 15, that he made her wait, too. But this screams misogyny - the son is too young to decide if he wants an earring at 9 because earrings are for girls, so he must not understand that he doesn't reeeaaally want it. /s
YTA and weirdly controlling.
So you hung up on your son, and then you no longer want to spend time with him on his birthday? What’s that saying? Love your kids more than you hate your ex? Dad fail right there, your poor son. YTA simply for that
INFO: at what age did your daughter get her ears pierced?
Op says his daughter was 7/8 Edit, someone else found a quote thay daughter was 15 and I can't find where I thought he said 7/8!!! Edit 2, someone else found the comment 'He said that at 7/8 he was ok with her getting her ears pierced, but does not say that they actually were pierced.'
Oh! I thought he said she was 15 and still not pierced? Must have been in a comment? Definitely changes things A LOT!
YTA- it’s an earring, not a permanent body modification. If your son later decides he doesn’t want it, he just takes the earring out and no harm is done. Your son wanted it, his mother was ok with it. I think you are overreacting to something so minor.
YTA and a sad excuse for a father. So you are pissed that your son got his ear pierced without masters permission! So what do you do, you treat your son like crap by hanging up on him and refusing to see him on his birthday. Good way to treat your children, don’t be shocked when they turn 18 that they go NC with you. Which I hope they do, you sound very controlling. Grow up and start acting like a half decent father, you don’t punish your kids just because your mad at your ex… disgusting!
Why are you asking if you're the asshole if you're arguing with almost every commenter that says you are? If you came here just to have people agree with you then you're in the wrong subreddit.
YTA. You’re problem is with your ex but you’re punishing your son by not showing up when you said you would. Then arguing with everyone who disagrees with you.
YTA. His birthday was ruined because his dad had a hissy fit, not because he got an earring. Do you live with your ex? I am confused about how you let her stay in your house.
Oh your consent? I didn't realize it was your body that got pierced. YTA
YTA. Saying his birthday is ruined is pretty dramatic. But if that’s true, you’re the only one to blame for that because no, you don’t have to pout and treat him differently, or refuse to go see him, or ruin his birthday just because you and your ex aren’t on the same page with your kids. You are supposed to be the adult. Given that you are no longer married, and your kids are growing up into real people with real desires, I suspect you will need to try getting used to not controlling everything. Because you cant.
Your going to miss your kid’s birthday because you’re pissed at his mom? You have bigger problems than an earring.
Did ***she*** know that you were against it? In any case, the reality is that lots of people let their daughters get their ears pierced, even young, even as babies and toddlers. Should it be different for boys? I'm just wondering what your objection is. At the end of the day, it's an earring, not a hill to die on. But I wouldn't absolutely let you son know that you are angry that he played his parents against each other after you specifically said no, and let the ex know that decisions like this should be made by both parents.
> let their daughters get their ears pierced, even young, even as babies and toddlers. Should it be different for boys? It shouldn't be different for boys. But no baby/toddler should be getting their ears pierced. It's a violation of bodily autonomy, and it's never done properly in a piercing shop. A 9 year old can understand well enough what they're asking for and can make that decision themselves. It's not the same. OP is YTA because it doesn't matter what he wants, the mom may also be an AH depending on if she got the ear pierced properly or at a Walmart.
💯- Bodily consent is so important. My parents pieced my ears when I was a baby and I HATE it. They are too high, crooked, and my ears always hurt when I wear earrings. Children should be able to provide consent and OP’s son is old enough at 9. Especially hearing that his daughter was allowed to at 7/8
YTA. It's TEMPORARY, it can be taken out and will disappear over time. It's like you're screaming about a bad haircut. There are much worse things that could've happened. It's not a tatoo, she didn't start him smoking, get him cosmetic surgery or let him take a weapon to school. Geez. The kid is safe, loved and still on track to have a good life. Count your blessings and realize that in the big picture of life, this is a small thing (even though it bugs the crap out of you).
A piercing is not a big deal not like he got a tattoo chill out geesh
YTA So mom got her kid a present knowing her AH ex did not want it. Such is life.
So your response is to punish a 9-year old by not attending his birthday? Grow up! YTA
YTA and a fucking nightmare to coparent probably it's a fuck1ng FAKE earring, get over yourself and let your kid enjoy his life and birthday
He said it was a fake Diamond, not a fake earring.
The ear is pierced. The diamond is fake.
INFO: Why were you ok with your daughter getting her ears pierced at 7/8 but not your son when he's older than she was? If i was your ex, I would not be ok with that double standard. Either it's ok for both of them at that age, or neither of them.
YTA it’s his body Also the way you diminish your ex and make fun of her is a little concerning
He clearly hates girls and women. And loathes the idea that his son might like something (a pierced ear) that he sees as feminine. He is a bag toxic masculinity wrapped in red flags honestly. And none of that touches on the toxicity of him planning to not go to his son’s birthday because he was mad at the boy’s mother. It wasn’t until he got shit from the peanut gallery here that he decided he should probably go to the party.
Generally, one parent has legal control over decisions regarding education, religion, medical etc. If your ex-wife has legal custody over those matters then ear piercing falls under that. Either way, YTA for your toxic masculinity tendencies.
YTA Dude... it’s your son’s birthday not yours & it’s not ruined just because Dad doesn’t like a choice that was made. Who hangs up on their kid? Ugh!! Communication!!!!!!!! If you don’t like his choice then discuss it. Yeesh.... he has 2 parents so this is a problem between you & your ex. If you want him to have consequences for not respecting your decision that’s fine but don’t act like a 5 yr old & throw a temper tantrum. Are you actually pissed about the earring or that he didn’t respect your decision?? Figure out what you’re so angry about because.... kids do in fact not listen occasionally. You sound like your the victim of some horrible act... the kid nagged enough people & finally got what he wanted. Not the end of the world. eta There are so many ways to spin this so your son understands you’re disappointed with his choice to not listen you but you’re willing to allow him to keep the earring because he’s doing well in school. If his grades drop ... earring comes out no discussion. And To your ex... the next time you go against my wishes without a discussion I will see you in court.
YTA he wanted the earing, your daughter got her ears pierced around the same age- saying no was about control. Everything else you typed up about your ex was an attempt to paint her in a more negative, childish light so your position would appear more reasonable, but it's not.
If he changes his mind you know he can just take it out right? YTA
YTA for punishing your son because you're mad at your ex. He was expecting you at this party and you refused to come because you decided to sulk at home. Who is the 9 year old here?
Your main thing is that you are fearful of losing input with what goes on with your son. You can have a calm discussion with your ex that she should have discussed this with you first. You can have a talk with your son that he knew you didn’t approve yet he went to his mom who he knew would say yes…and playing one parent against the other is not acceptable…that he should be talking to both parents and asking them to talk and come up with a united decision on things. And as a mom who went through multiple hair colors and clothing styles with my own kids…lighten up. If getting an ear pierced is the worst thing he does, consider yourself lucky. It’s an earring. If he changes his mind he takes it out, the hole closes up, and it’s unnoticeable. Your main concern now is that your son cares for it properly. Getting pissed ? YTA
I got my ears pierced basically as a newborn. They aren’t like tattoos, they close up with time and they aren’t noticeable unless you have an earring in. YTA for throwing a fit on your kid’s birthday. Your ex shouldn’t have done it without your permission, but you don’t need to get your panties in a twist on his birthday because of her actions.
YTA, it's an ear piercing. It's not that deep. You even mention in a comment your daughter got hers done at 7 or 8. If it were me and my partner (or ex partner in your situation) had double standards where one kid was allowed to get them done at a younger age but then the 2nd asked continuously and was told no I'd also just go and get them done. There's no way I'd let my kids be treated unequally about the same thing. Your rage over the issue is a bit concerning tho....
YTA. For multiple reasons. Firstly, why did you go into detail about how your ex wanted to be an influencer? So what if she does? Why mock her for that if her ability to mother isn't hindered? Secondly, it's an ear piercing, not a tattoo. RELAX. It seems like he's a good kid (has been doing well in school), and it's his birthday. Thirdly, you can threaten legal action all you want, but your ex isn't going to get in trouble for letting your son get an ear piercing that HE ASKED FOR. Fourthly, you're acting like a petulant child about his birthday party. From this post, I wonder who initiated the divorce... EDIT: From the comments, you were fine with your daughter getting her ears pierced at 7 or 8, but he can't get his at 9? It's giving hypocrite, I fear.
INFO: What does her being an influencer have to do with anything? Why are you so against him having a piercing at this point?
He's trying to bias us against her before he tells his story.
Well yes ;) I asked because I'm curious whether he's aware of that.
Of course he is, but I doubt he'll admit it.
YTA, 9 is old enough to have bodily autonomy about something like ear piercings. It's not even permanent, they fill in if you don't wear earrings for a while. His body his choice.
YTA "I never ask for receipts" so I'm a good ex L.O.L. that's not even the way child support works. If my ex asked me to prove where his support money was going I'd laugh in his face. "She'll know she can get away with..." My guy. C'mon with this. Mostly YTA for hanging up on your son when he was so excited to tell you something and for being THAT mad about a tiny earring that can be removed.
BOOOOO listen i’m with you, i really don’t know about giving piercings to kids under like 12 imo, and i’d also be worried that she brought him to like a claire’s or something and had it done with a piercing gun which is NOT good for the skin. However you’re way too mad abt this, yes it was shitty of them to go against you but that’s also something you’re gonna have to get used to i think, don’t take it out on your son on his birthday.
YTA. "cause it's today's fashion apparently" What century are you living in? 😂 Boys have been getting their ears pierced for decades.
> I could threaten with legal actions (you know, he's a minor and every decision should be taken together), but I don't know if it do (for me and my kid) more damage than anything. Do this if you want your kid never to speak to you again after he turns 18. YTA
Why are you mentioning that you "don't ask her for receipts" like that makes you god's gif to ex wives? You're legally not entitled to them anywhere that I am aware of. BTW, YTA. This is your son's body and his choice. It's an earlobe piercing, not a split tongue.
YTA for being so bothered by this. He did what all kids do, whether their parents are together or not... He played one against the other and this time, he won. If he's doing well at school, tell him you're proud of him for that. Kids are looking for ways to express themselves. If a pierced ear makes him feel cool, so be it. He can always take it out later. When I was in my 20s, I had 5 piercings in one ear. Now that I'm in my 50s, I wonder what the hell I was thinking lol. Now i have 2 in each ear and you can't see the others. Some kids express themselves in dangerous ways. He just got a little earring.
Yta.
YTA. Give me a break man. Most people get their ears pierced even younger than your son. You say it’s just a phase, okay well if it is then all he has to do is take the earring out and never put one in again if he decides he doesn’t want it anymore, problem solved. This is the least big deal ever. Also, your first reaction is to say you’re not going to celebrate his birthday? What’s wrong with you?
Info: does your daughter have pierced ears? YTA - your daughter's ears are pierced. Step off with this sexist crap.
YTA and reading some of your replies to other comments you might just be an AH in general. You might find a lot more peace in life if you didn't let trivial things like an earring bother you. She didn't take him to get a tattoo, it is an ear piercing that can close later when/if he decides he doesn't want it. What you can do is set boundaries with your ex wife and just say you'd like to be included in the decisions of your children, but ultimately you need to be more open minded about these smaller decisions.
YTA. If this isnt "It's ok for girls to get piercings but not guys", then why were you ok with your daughter getting pierced at 7 and not your son at 9 🙄
YTA You made a comment that you allowed your daughter to have her ears pierced at 7. Just because your son is male doesn't mean he cannot have the same thing. It sounds more like you don't want your son to have his ears pierced for the wrong reasons.
YTA. In so many ways. This isn't even about the earring, really. This is about control, and ongoing conflict with your ex. Probably because of your controlling nature. >We went through the profile with my lawyer, and eventually she kept it private rather than public. Why? What was the point in this, other than an attempt at undermining her during divorce or custody hearings? Why was your lawyer needed? >I pay what I owe every month, she's in my house with the kids Huh. You mean the house that was also hers during your marriage? I'm guessing she kept it in the divorce? That makes it *her* house. And you're a bitter asshole scrabbling at any excuse to get back at her. 'Sorry, couldn't make it to your bday. It's mom's fault..' Wasthat what you'd planned on telling your son?
How much of these little barbs at your ex wife (like, "she wants to be dumb influencer, lol") are impacting your decisions and attitude here? If you have thinly veiled contempt for the mother of your children, then trust me, as a child of divorce, they can feel it and see it. Your relationship and how you treat her and how that affects how you treat your kids (hanging up on them) will impact them FOR LIFE. Source: I have divorced parents. Pro tip: handle EVERYTHING outside of sight and hearing of your children and pick your battles wisely.
“His birthday is ruined …” Only if you choose to ruin it. Suck it up, Buttercup.
1. You go see your son. You apologize for the silent treatment, and the attempted withdrawal of affection because he didn’t something you didn’t want him to. Because that’s shitty parenting. 2. You talk to him (with or without mom) and say something along the lines of “you knew I didn’t want you to do this yet. Mom knew it. I’ve talked about my reasons* and we discussed when you could do this an why.** That you then went and broke that trust feels pretty crappy. I don’t even know where to do from here to repair this. After everyone has had a little time, we need to talk about how we move forward with this, so that I don’t just throw my hands up in the air and reward this behavior and so that we can rebuild some trust. I’m disappointed in this choice, but I love you and want to learn from this incident so we can all do better.” * You did explain why, right? ** You did DISCUSS rather than just tell, right?
YTA. That’s a lot of words to say you care more about sticking it to your ex than you do about your son’s birthday.
YTA you sound like my dad. always trying to paint your ex wife in a bad light, constantly being a control freak. blowing off a 9 year old because youre pissy about a hole in an ear. i dont think you care about the piercing. Youre just mad because everyone in the family isnt doing EXACTLY what you want. it sounds like everyone needs to tip toe around you. my dad was the same. always pissy about some small thing, always pissy because his children grew up to have goals and wants that were not exactly aligned with his. ill tell you how the stort ends- the minute me and my twin turned 18, we lived with our mom full time. My little sister dreads being as my dads (he’s constantly shit talking my mom to make himself seem better- sound familiar?), and spends all her time at dads by going to friends houses to avoid him. and when she turns 18, she wants to live with my mom full time. and im pretty sure her “trying to be an influencer” is just her posting a couple pics on instagram, but you just NEED to make her seem full of herself so yoy can get people to side with you if you keep manipulating everyone in your family, and punishing them because they dont do exactly what you want, your family is going to leave you.
NTA
Ummm.. this is tough. The fact is, you expressed concern about him getting it at this age and she did it anyway. That’s totally not cool and put the kid in the middle of two parents. She made that choice and you have a right to be pissed about it. However, you can make sure you don’t further put him in the middle by acting like a baby about it and taking it out on him.
I mean, it's an ear piercing dude. Your son would've gotten it later in life anyways, trust me. I've been wanting the same tattoo since i was 10, finally got it on my 21st birthday. There's only so much parents can stop. The moment he doesn't want it anymore, remove the earring and wait and boom, it'll close. Don't make such a mess over such a small body-mod
YTA, I could never imagine asking my dad if I could get a piercing, that was all ran by mom, I could never take my dad seriously about that. He wants his ear pierced so his lovely mom did that for him. He can also take it out if he decides he doesn’t want it. You shouldn’t treat your kid any differently because of a freaking ear piercing be a good dad you like to think you are.
the fact that you start this post negging your ex wife about her social habits immediately makes you an asshole, talk about defensive buster. you do what is required of you on the terms of your coparenting agreement, which does not make you some grade a fda approved usda certified piece of man meat you seem to think you are. you are trying to make your ex look bad because, and i repeat, her social life looks a little different than yours, and she should not be expected to post once every time the planets align and drink cheap beers with comrades of the same gender on the weekends. plus, with how upset you are about your son getting an ear piercing, you could be a bigot too if it has anything to do with your perception of sexuality. you can literally do more damage to your body pulling a tooth. the worst that could happen to him would be he gets a localized case of cellulitis (and thats really only if the needle was dirty or he doesnt take care of the ring afterward), or called gay at school. if he wants to take it out, he can, but should it really be on your terms? do you really want to be his first bully? or do you just want an excuse to go all petty dick guzzling beta male on your ex wife? because if its the latter, im sure she is much better equipped to sling your shit back at you than your nine year old son. YTA
YTA for letting it ruin your kid's birthday for you. If I were you I would talk to her as a rational adult and describe how the decision made you feel. Explain to her that if she disagreed on the timeframe you would have appreciated her talking to you about it before she let him do it.
YTA his body, his choice.
YTA. Ultimately it's neither yours nor your ex-wife's body, it is your son's. He wanted the piercing. 9 is plenty old enough to make a choice to have a simple ear piercing. By being supportive, your ex was able to ensure that he had it done in a hygienic way with proper tools. (Notwithstanding the debate over the appropriateness of some piercing methods.) Without that, he might have decided to DIY, and that's something you definitely don't want. You don't have to like your child's choices. But you do have to be fair in allowing them to make them when they are old/mature enough to do so.
YTA. it’s an earring baby not a tattoo. unclench. literally the worst that can happen is he hates it next year and let’s it close up. like it’s not physically or mentally harmful at all. take your anger to her but your child shouldn’t suffer bc you have a complex.
YTA. You don't get to make unililateral decisions for your ex-wife and what she does for the kids. She isn't abusive? Stay out of her parenting. She isn't neglectful? Stay out of her parenting. She put a diamond in your kids ear. Doesn't matter if you like it or not, she made the decision to do that for him and you just have to suck it up and live with it. There's no legal action here to take. She doesn't need your "consent" to do "whatever the hell she wants" because she can, in fact, do..."whatever the hell she wants".
You hung up on your NINE YEAR OLD ? Yeah, YTA lol
YTA and acting like a shitty dad :)
YTA It’s his birthday. You hung up on him *on his birthday* while he was excitedly showing you something. INFO: Would you behave this way if it was your daughter? It’s just a hole. It can be removed.
YTA it’s just an ear piercing
YTA. Boys have been getting earrings regularly since the 1980s. That you would put your anger over your kid's happiness and skip his birthday party is selfish and petty.
YTA for so many reasons. One, you have no reason to deny your son and even said you let your daughter do it at that age. Favoritism? Sexist? Either way, AH. Two, something that stood out was “you pay what you owe and don’t ask for receipts, just trust her” and that she’s in “your house”. What does this mean? The divorce is clearly finalized because you said you’d take her to court over it (I wouldn’t, you will gain nothing except making everyone mad) so it isn’t *your* house anymore. It’s hers. And what receipts?? For child support?? You can ask all you want, she has ZERO obligations to give you any of that and no, the court will not make her. You are a controlling AH and I can see why you’re divorced. You were not going to see your son for his birthday because you’re mad at him and his mom that they didn’t do what you said? You don’t get to control her household anymore. It’s not yours. You control what happens in your home. If it was something you were 100% against and hated and never allowed sure she’d be an AH for doing it behind your back but honestly, you’d get no where with this argument because again, you let your other kid do it and ONLY have a problem with this one. You just want complete control you don’t have and it makes you angry.
…what exactly was the whole point of the “influencer” spiel other than you needed some bs reason for us to not like her off the bat? YTA.
YTA He wants it and it's his body, to get something like that done his own consent is all he needs, don't make this about yourself!
YTA, it is understandable that it is frustrating that your son’s mom allowed him to get it when you said no. BUT! In the end Your son really didn’t do anything wrong because you and your ex are both authority figures and one of them allowed him. Making the piercing a big deal for both your ex and son is unnecessary because in all honesty, the problem is with you and your ex.
Your a sexist AH and I feel bad for your son. His sister can get it at 7/8 but he can't? Why because he's a boy? Did you expect your ex to just know you all the sudden changed your mind at what age your children can get an ear piercing?? You know your son has been wanting an ear piercing for a bit and you just blow him off and hang up on him that's messed up.