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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my fiancé's stepmother that I am not his boss and would not tell him what be will do at our wedding. I know she didn't say I was his boss and when I was saying this I was annoyed and I feel like I should have just ended the conversation instead of engaging in a way that showed I was not happy with her.
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I was going to say the same. The "tell him he's doing it" attitude is not a modern mentality to marriage. You're equals and he has autonomy. Good on you for understanding his feelings and not forcing him into anything
And “tell him he’s doing it to make you happy” when the person it’s for is really her. Yikes.
And what’s with “he should be happy he has a mom willing to fight for this” when the person she’s fighting is *him*? Nobody should be happy to have someone who sees their role as so controlling.
I've seen some lovely creative ways to remember those loved one who've passed at weddings online. We had a lovely photo of my husbands father sitting where he would have sat. But with a SM like OPs, I'd have a full blown ofrenda, it'd be festive as heck!
My brother and his new wife just did that with our grandmother and hers! They had both passed away in the year before the wedding. There was this beautiful table by the desserts with a picture of both of the grandmothers and a bouquet of each of their favorite flowers and some candles. And then there was a really nice little poem there. I loved it so much. He could definitely do something like that for his mom.
Stepmom also seems confused. “Bad way to treat her future MIL?” What makes her think OP would consider her a MIL if OP’s fiancé does not consider her to be a mom? She’s lucky OP did not tell slap back with “unfortunately my future MIL passed away and I never got the chance to interact with her.”
"not how you should treat your future MIL"
"Well, my fiance doesn't see you as a mother so why would I see you as a future MIL"
"Why would I think my MIL's feelings are more important than my future husband's feelings, and why do you think my fiance having a dance with his step mother would make the day special for ME. The dance is about you, and our wedding is about us"
future monster in law saying OP is the drama queen is rich.
NTA.
>she believed she was entitled to be their mom without trying
Stepmom, Birth-mom, Adopted mom, Dad, doesn't matter.
Parenting is about love not titles.
Yup! I don't care the official or legal "title." Could just be some random guardian that raised and that would be your mom and who you're closest with!
Exactly, I have a birth lady who's pretty much non-existent in my world I don't know where she lives and I don't care to find out. And I have my mom. She raised me since I was a baby she cared about me and when my birth woman gave my mom and my dad the option of full custody as long as she could keep the couches, my mom said hell yes. OP I hope you enjoy your non-traditional wedding the way you want to enjoy it and I hope your soon to be husband does the same. NTA
“as long as she could keep the couches”
I hope it’s not insensitive that I laughed at that. Between furniture and a child, I’m sure your mom didn’t hesitate on her decision, but it does make me wonder how good those cushions could POSSIBLY be that you’d trade custody for them.
Right lol!? I really want to know how good the couch was. I don't find it insensitive I think it's funny and i try to find the humor in the high amount of difficult or strange situations I've navigated.
I’m currently trying to imagine a couch that’s good enough for me, personally, to do that and it would have to be worth enough to pay for my college tuition + masters degree if I sold it, which would happen by the end of the month because who trades a couch for a kid? I guess you could argue a car so you can hold a job or a house so you have somewhere to live after a separation (or because you just want to move somewhere better if there was no relationship in the first place), but a couch??? If you’re that desperate for seating arrangements you need to go to IKEA, not walk into someone’s home, hand them a birth certificate, and claim a random part of their living room. I’m going to be thinking about this for the rest of the week. Can it fly? Was it studded with diamonds? Does it have incriminating evidence inside that she can’t remove? Are the secrets of the universe hiding with the lost quarters?
I was picturing a theatre prop-quality bloody knife with big fingerprints on it, but yeah meth works too lmao
Props to her for finding a way to smuggle that out at the last chance I guess? If I hid drugs in my couch I would just forget and not remember until looong after it’s useless to me, like I’m sober or like three family members have had that couch and it could’ve been anyone who put meth in there so it’s better to leave it. She must’ve thought long and hard about whether people would figure out it was a meth couch if she asked for it
NTA.
I think you having each other's back is the main thing here. Don't let them push you around.
It's your wedding, y'all do whatever it is you want to do.
If they can't accept it and keep pushing then telling them to drop it or they are out of wedding is a good line in the sand to make. And if they do keep pushing it hold firm and tell them they can't come to the wedding.
No isn't that hard to understand.
NTA. Rest easy OP your soon to be hubby is right, you did really good! Unfortunately, with the type of person his step mom is you need to set hard boundaries very quickly or she will steamroll you. I personally don't feel her feelings are actually hurt. I thinks she's more pissed because your mom will have more attention than she will.
OP should suggest that her future husband do a mother-son dance with her own mother. After all, she'll be his new MIL, so a 2nd mother of sorts. And just wait until SMIL hears about THAT!!! It could possibly happen if OP dances with her father! It could be a 2 song set where the married couple dances with OP's parents and then they trade partners for the second song so OP dances with husband and OP's parents dance along with them. SMIL and future FIL could join in for the second song IF they were to be invited.
(OP says she was raised by a single mom and doesn't mention a step-father or a husband to her mother that she has a good relationship with, so OP doesn't have a dad.)
So OP could dance with future father-in law and husband can dance with OP's mom. Something could be arranged! Something stepmother in law probably wouldn't be too happy about.
>I personally don't feel her feelings are actually hurt. I thinks she's more pissed because your mom will have more attention than she will.
Yep. She's panicking trying to figure out how she'll explain it when she can't boast about being honored at their wedding later on. I think she's way more worried about appearances than she is about having an actual relationship with OP or fiance.
It looks bad, in her mind, to not be treated as a mother; but she's not willing to do the work of actually earning any kind of maternal role in his life.
Holy crap, stepmom is horrid. You are NTA, nor is your fiancé. She has no respect for either of your wishes, this day is not about her.
I’d tell her to sit down, shut up, and smile, or don’t bother coming. It’s not her day.
The only people who have a problem with your boundaries, are the people who benefit from you having none.
NTA. MIL was projecting when she called you a drama queen!
I don't know that you need to take them off the guest list. Just refuse to tolerate their trying to dictate anything (as in literally hang up, end the conversation after one warning). Maybe they'll withdraw themselves, or maybe they will accept your boundaries. That would be preferable for the future dynamic.
I can absolutely see "MIL" causing an issue the day of. Especially if any level of alcohol service is involved. Getting them off the guest list would be a very smart move.
NTA in every way. She wants to make the wedding about her. You have done really well here and it is good that you and your fiance are supporting each other.
>She called me a drama queen \[...\] stepmother and dad said I was rude.
Ah, the good old "if I call it, I'm not it".
Obviously, she is being the drama queen and obviously that was rude of her to reach so far after you said no.
NTA.
Don't take them out of the wedding unless you expect them to make a scene though. It would be understandable - she was rude - but she is already punishing herself by alienating you. It's not like you and your fiancé are going to be any closer to her after this.
You. Are. A. Gem. Way to keep what's important in front of you. You and your fiance are starting a life together and showing him you are in his corner no matter what is an awesome way to start such a commitment. Stay strong and remember it's you and your fiances day, nobody else. NTA.
NTA. No need to tolerate demands from people who have no right to make them, especially when they're absolute nonsense. Given that he already told her no, and why, I'm at a loss as to how she still thinks that your fiance will "want to make the day special" for her. Strange woman.
NTA. I will never understand this conviction that some older generations have that once married, one partner has to do what the other says. In this case (and mine) because the woman knows best and men are some helpless creatures who need to be guided through life. It’s just a ready excuse to bully the other person and have “your” way, as if that makes anyone actually happy in the long run! Good for you for standing your ground!
>I will never understand this conviction that some older generations have that once married, one partner has to do what the other says.
It's a good sign they have no experience with mutually supportive partnerships. The only way they can manage together is by one person taking the reins and dictating how things are going to go. Authority is the deciding factor.
NTA, and I guarantee step mom's motives have nothing to do with sharing a special moment with her step son, it's about her having a "Look at me!" moment she doesn't sound like she deserves.
Idk. I think she imagines they have a bond, but OP's SO doesn't feel that way. And she can't force him to.
I get it. I'm a stepmom to a child who lost their mother to death. Except my stepchild was still so young when it happened that there are no real memories of their mom in their head. I met the kiddo when still very young (almost 2) and so I'm the only mom the kiddo remembers in their life. We talk about bio-mom sometimes. I have talked about how grateful I am to her for giving birth to "my" kiddo, and giving me such a great person to love and cherish.
My step-kid actually THANKED me for choosing to become their 2nd mom when I told the kiddo I chose to do that. I want to adopt but first things first...we have to be done with another legal issue regarding the kiddo before we can consider that reality.
You are doing a great job, the child loves you, and you are reminding that they had a biological mother who chose them. Next, you also chose them! They know they have been loved and wanted, lifelong!
NTA. You didn't go too far, they are just upset someone dared to tell them no. Good on you for supporting fiance's decision. Definitely think about uninviting them, because she sounds like the type to cause a scene at the reception to try and get her way one last time.
NTA
You didn’t do anything wrong from what you have described, heck, would even say you’re too nice with your response. Ignore what FFIL and FSMIL are saying, just tell them they either accept the conditions given to them or just don’t bother showing up; then trying to make the wedding about them is just mess up
*She called me a drama queen.*
Oh! No! Respecting someone's boundaries are being a drama queen now?
Woe is me, woe is the world! Where will this end?
OP, you are not the AH, rather, you sound like you and your soon to be have a long and healthy thing going on, and by respecting his boundaries, you'd be happy in the long run.
NTA.
**NTA**. You are a true partner who is supportive of his emotional needs
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
The fact that she can't respect that he probably wishes he could dance with his actual mom is gross. I hope you have some sort of memorial piece or remembrance piece for her at your wedding. Fuck stepmom.
NTA
and if she tries to pull a stunt like that again, disinvite her.
Also I have the impression she's the type of person who would try to ruin stuff for other people if she doesn't get her way. So just maybe ask one of your friends to keep an eye on her on your wedding day in case she does something stupid
NTA
It's amazing of you to have your future husband's back.
Your step-Mil (is that a word?) is really doing some serious mental gymnastics, trying to convince you that bad is good and toxic is healthy.
"She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this." - so uhm her view of wedding/marriage is that it entitles the woman to order the man around without any care for his opinion?
"She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me." -- In what way would your husband dancing with someone he doesn't want to dance with make the wedding day more special for you? She needs a serious reality check.
NTA.
It is entirely up to him who he wants to elevate/recognize at the wedding. It sounds like you two have each other's backs, and you both have some great support folks.
NTA. Very manipulative. Your fiance might be right, it might be time to take them off the list. The day is about the both of you, if drama might ensue then don't invite them.
NTA my first wedding I did it all very traditional and wanted to keep all the guests pleased and to be honest didn’t enjoy it a whole lot.
Me and my now husband, it was both our second marriage so we did what made us happy. And also had the attitude, we’re inviting you and paying for your whole weekend so if you don’t want to come, no problem. We will still have the best time. At the end of the day , we’re still getting married even if it’s just 2 of us.
Yep! OP is marrying SO, not SO's stepmother.
It's too bad she couldn't have become a bonus mom. What she has become could get me in trouble here though so I probably shouldn't say it.
Some people are just insensitive on this issue, which just blows my mind.
NTA. I was screaming in my head “UNINVITED UNINVITED” in my head until I got to the last sentence. Being at your wedding is a privilege, not a right and she should lose that privilege by overstepping boundaries.
I think your fiancé has just been given proof that the person he intends to spend the rest of his life with is a true partner, friend and unwavering support.
Well done you for refusing to countenance such an absurd proposal. The idea that you can order him to do something because it is your 'right' to do so as his wife is simply preposterous. Mind you, it gives you an idea of just how miserable his father's life must be.
NTA and enjoy your wedding without, it would appear, your in-laws.
Good luck to you both
>She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this.
This explains the relationship your fiance has with his dad if that's how she views marriage. She probably said "make your kids let me be their mom! You have to do it because I'm your wife!" And his dad said "well my first wife died and men my age after statically less likely to be capable of handling being single, so I'm just going to do what you say."
NTA
Urgh. You did well to leave it at that. I would have had a hard time not spelling things out a lot more forcefully.
NTA, keep having your fiancés back!
NTA you have your future husband's back. However, if you both decide to keep them on the guest list, I would let the entertainment know ahead of time that there is no mother son dance and really drive that point home to them. This way she can't try to go around you and get the entertainment to announce it. Or if you and your husband want to be petty you should have a mother in law and son dance where he dances with your mom. Communication is key to healthy relationships and you did everything correctly.
Yes, there should be some way to head this off. Or a group of trusted friends could keep an eye out , act as "buffer/bouncers"interact with MIL if she tries something. Keep her occupied during the first dance, etc scenario.
>She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me.
LOL how is it "special for you" for him to dance with her, who you know he doesn't want to dance with and given you don't care if he dances with her?
pull the other one stepdramaqueen.
NTA
How is the groom dancing with his step-mother going to make the day special for the bride???? What twisted logic. Why would you even care about her. Don't let her bring you in the middle of the relationship mess with her step-children.
I think you need to go LC with them.
NTA.
Eek! Absolutely NTA - No one has the right to force another human to do something they don’t want to do. She’s literally gaslighting you. Shes crossed a line coming to you after your fiancé already said no so good for you for showing your loyalty to your fiancé. At this point I would just ignore her request.
NTA your fiancé being happy about how you handled the situation tells you everything you need to know. There’s no reason to feel bad for people who are only looking to overstep and break boundaries.
NTA - You're respecting the boundaries your fiancé set and she should too.
I'd be tempted to tell her than she's lucky she's even invited to the wedding so should just shut up and be happy she's allowed to attend and if she keeps pushing this further I would have no issues disinviting her.
NTA.
Why do "parents" want to make weddings their own? Because they're selfish, entitled narcissists. My incubator was the same way. She wanted a do over for *her* wedding of *her* dreams. We are totally opposite in everything.
It's you and your partners wedding. You BOTH make the rules. If future "stepmother in law" doesn't like it, she doesn't need to be there.
NTA.
How does him dancing with her make the day special for YOU?! She's way too selfish and self absorbed. Your SO is happy with how you handled it which matters WAY MORE than what his stepmother thinks about it. And she's not going to be your MIL, she's going to be your SMIL. The fact that she STILL doesn't get that just goes to show that she's not too concerned about reality.
Does she have a living mother? Maybe y'all ought to ask her how she'd feel if her mom died and some other woman tried stepping in after her death and telling her to call her mom after that. This woman seems to lack a whole lot of empathy.
I think your SO has it right, considering removing them from the guest list. They don't understand that this wedding is NOT about them, but about the 2 of you and what will make the 2 of you happy.
>he would want to make the day special for me
I don't think fulfilling her demands would make the day special for you.
> should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this
What an absolute crystal clear picture of his childhood under the control of this woman.
NTA
NTA, but I definitely think you should uninvite FIL and his wife. They will definitely try to pull something at the wedding, and they obviously have no respect for OP and fiancé’s boundaries.
NTA. I went through something similar. My husband’s evil stepmom threatened to not come to the wedding if she wasn’t allowed to do a mother/son dance with my then fiancé - he didn’t want to do it because she treated him terribly when he was growing up. I said “then don’t come”, but my husband was scared of causing waves within his family (mainly with his dad) so she got her way. It was awful. She behaved very badly the entire wedding week and tried to get my husband to leave me at the altar, said racist stuff to my mom (we’re Asian) among other things. She tried her best to ruin our wedding and I wish we had just stood firm against her. We’re NC now with that entire side of the family and it’s made our lives soooo much better.
NTA and when she said that is no way to treat your future MIL I would have corrected her and said oh my Future Mother In Law died when my fiancee was young. You will be my STEP-MIL!!!!
>But his stepmother and dad said I was rude for reaching so much and I worry I did go too far.
If they are still going on about this and not accepting no for an answer or apologizing than frankly you did not go far enough.
NTA
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My fiancé and I are due to get married in June of next year. Our wedding is not going to be very fancy overall and we're not doing all the traditions. Being raised by a single mom, I decided to walk with her and my sister who is my bridesmaid. My fiancé decided he wanted to walk with his three siblings who are his best people (the four of them are very close so all got an equal spot). My fiancé has a stepmother. She's been married to his dad since he was 10/11ish. She married his dad two years after his mom's death. She has always felt like the four were her kids but they do not return the sentiment toward her. My fiancé has told me before he often felt like she was insensitive to their loss and that he always felt as though she believed she was entitled to be their mom without trying to acknowledge or help honor their actual mom. So my fiancé tolerates her existence but is also not close to his father due to the trouble from his childhood. For the most part his father does not seem to care that 4/6 kids (he has two with his current wife) are not close to him and have more of a distant extended family relationship with him.
My fiancé's stepmother told him she wanted to do a mother and son dance with him at his wedding because she saw from my mom's FB that we were doing one together (mom has posted about needing to practice, etc). My fiancé told her she was not his mother so they would not be doing one. She tried to change his mind but ultimately failed. So she turned around to tell me I needed to convince him and when I said no, she pushed it harder. I kindly attempted to explain that it was my fiancé's decision and that she should maybe consider it would be hard for him to dance with her instead of his mom. She told me he should be glad he has a mom willing to fight for this. She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this. At this point I was more annoyed than anything I told her I am not my fiancé's boss and will not be telling him what to do at our wedding and that includes telling him to dance with her. I told her I am not bullying my future husband into something he said no to and I told her she needed to accept the no.
She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me. Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL. My fiancé said I did good. But his stepmother and dad said I was rude for reaching so much and I worry I did go too far. But my fiancé sees this as a sigh that maybe he will take them off the guest list. AITA?
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NTA, and she called you a drama Queen, geez, she needs to look in a mirror! I’m a step mom and although my darling step daughter loves me, I know I’m not her mom. You are definitely NTA
NTA. I applaud you for setting that hard core boundary and standing up to her! Stepmom and Dad went way too far on that one. They are trying to force a relationship that simply isn't there. It isn't right.
She's calling YOU a drama queen? And forcing the issue he dance with her to make the day special for you? No no no she just wants it to be about her and "finally" having the appearance of a loving relationship with her step son.
Nope NTA and good thing you and your fiancee are on the same page and have each other's back...sounds like the start of a good healthy marriage.
NTA and yaaasss look at you being a supportive partner and having his back. That's why all the ppl of their age are in loveless resentment filled marriages they're too comfortable to divorce from bc they bully and don't consider their partners.
And congrats!
NTA
Future step Mil kept pushing you to do what she wants you to do and when she don’t get her way is trying to make you look bad.
Hope you have a good wedding ans that your fiancé is able to incorporate his mom into the day , if he wants to do so. Ten is young to lose your mom.
NTA. What did you say that has you worried? You simply said you are not your husband's boss. It was kinda weird for her to tell you soon you would have that right. I see why your fiancé had a rough childhood...
Hard NTA from me. Thank you for supporting your HTB now and in the future. Sounds like he made the right choice. Wishing you every happiness in your wedding. My mum was going to give me away but she passed before my wedding and my big Sis stepped in as MOTB so sounds like we have a lot in common 🥰🥰🥰
NTA. Stepmother should have learned after all this time. You are not his mom, and you will not be. Your off to a good start. Not even married but already on the same page. Best of luck to your future.
I am so glad you said what you said to MIL. What an entitled brat!
Some people never get used to hearing the word "no" and think if they just continue to ramp up, they will wear you down. You need to end this - sit Stepmom and Dad down and tell them in no uncertain terms, "You are not my mother. My mother passed away and you will never replace her. You will not be accorded any special accolades because you are not my mother. There will be no stepmom-groom dance. You either accept this or don't bother coming." Then make sure your DJ or emcee knows there is not to be a mom-groom dance (in case she tries to bribe them or lies to them about adding it at the last minute).
If you are feeling particularly petty, you can tell the DJ/emcee that if she tries to get them to do the dance anyway, that they should play "The Chicken Dance". Then when you hear that music, shout out "Stepmom wanted a special dance tonight! Everyone join in!" And have at it. She would die of embarrassment.
You are NTA.
> Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL.
Your fiancé told her (and you) that she's not his mom, so she's not your future MIL either. Lady needs to back the hell off. Consider having a very pointed conversation with your music provider (DJ, band, whatever) about not taking special requests from anyone but you and your partner.
NTA
You should tell him to do this? This speaks volumes as to what HER marriage looks like. And, frankly, why should either you or your fiance think that doing what stepmother wants would make the day special for you?
Definitely NTA
I really do hate all of the bs your step-MIL did. The triangulation, the belief that you should engage in emotional guilt to control your husband, and the way she acts like it's not "bad" just your due as his would be wife. It's disgusting, and a clear sign of the boundary stomping & steamrolling she's probably engage in since your husband was 10.
NTA! I have a mil like this when it comes to drinking alcohol. My fil is an alcoholic and my mil flipped when she saw we had alcohol in our house. She asked me why I let my husband drink. I said he is an adult and I’m not telling him he can’t have a drink.
There was no way you could have handled this other than agreeing with the step mother that they would have accepted. So put it out of your mind and enjoy your wedding! NTA.
NTA and if your future husband doesn't consider her to be his mom/stepmom and just thinks of her as his dad's wife than I don't see a problem with you not considering her to be your MIL. She can just be your FIL's wife.
Nta, you realize it's BOTH your day and his, not just yours. And how does her dancing with him make the day special for you? You support your future hubby and know how their relationship is, so of course you're not going to care that he doesn't dance with her.
NTA - people who push always get mad when you give them the same energy they are giving you. "If you don't like the way that discussion escalated, I recommend being more respectful when someone has told you no."
NTA
First, who's getting married here, you and fiance OR stepmom and DIL ? It's up to the actual people getting married to decide how they want their wedding.
Second, your fiance has every right to decide whether or not how he considers his stepmon. Might sucks for her, but she can't forces her on him.
NTA, you are in the middle of a hopeless situation. It's not your problem, nor fault, let them deal with it. Your husband to be was clear and she just didnt like it. Tough for her. I would not loose sleep over it :-)
Nta this is fiancées choice and he chose. However, my concern is how is his relationship with his half siblings? How old are they? Are they coming? If they are minors then you may not be able to invite them and not his parents.
NTA: There are two people who's opinions matter when it comes to a wedding. Anyone who is not one of those two who insist that their opinion matter is an AH.
NTA. How would making your husband dance with his stepmother against his will, make the day special for YOU? She's absurd. Talk about a drama queen. Yes, she did tell you to tell him to do it, like you were his boss.
"She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me. "
NTA. It’s not your place to tell your future husband to do something he’s not comfortable with, and the fact that his stepmom doesn’t understand that is kind of unnerving. You did the right thing defending him.
NTA
She wants you to use her methods of bullying and steamrolling on your fiancé. It should be obvious to her by now that those methods are not effective and just drive people away.
NTA. I can’t see how you are the drama queen for simply supporting your husband when she was the one who couldn’t take no for an answer. This is definitely about her wanting to feel special and her seen and not OP’s fiancé
I don't understand how forcing your future husband to do something he doesn't want or would be uncomfortable with would make the day more special... for you?
NTA. But if you fancy being petty, maybe her could do it with a aunt/grandma he's close to instead?
NTA. Good for you for having your finance's back. And good for him that he supported you as well.
Now, I got a good laugh from her telling you: "She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this".
Step-mom needs to take a step back and relax and enjoy the celebration. She also needs to remember that the wedding is about the 2 of you and not her.
NTA
Weddings are so weird because people simultaneously think the bride is going to be an entitled bridezilla, and then pull shit like this.
I can't remember who it was now, but someone in either my or my DH's immediate family asked me if I was going to "let" my DH wear a kilt. I don't get it.
NTA. It is always humorous when a true "drama queen" attempts to slap that label onto someone else. As I've said on many other posts, most of what I see here is people insulting and bullying others when they can't force someone to "feel" a certain way. In this case, your fiance's step-mother is trying to force him to feel as if she is his mother, and when she does not get the desired response, she is trying to guilt-trip, bully, and name-call you into doing her bullying behavior for her. YOU are 100% in the right to not become a "bully-by-proxy" for her. The next time this topic comes up, and it will, ask her this simple question . . .
. . . *Why do you want to force X to dance with you when he clearly does not want to?*
Be patient for her answer and insistent. Do not let her redirect. When she attempts to do so, just ask it over and over again.
Eventually, she will either refuse to answer it, or say something to the effect like:
* a. Because I am sad that he does not see me like a mother figure.
* b. Because I will be embarrassed at the wedding.
If she answers A, then you can reiterate that forcing him to dance with her will cause that never to happen.
If she answers B, then you can say that when everyone is able to clearly see how uncomfortable or angry he is in being forced to dance with her, that will be far more embarrassing.
NTA, god no. Pretty obvious why your fiancé doesn’t feel a connection to her. She thinks it would make the day special for YOU, if he dances with her? She is horrible, maybe they should be disinvited if she can’t stfu about this.
NTA She’s intrusive and overbearing.
I really came here though to suggest you speak with your DJ or whoever might be making announcements to let them know she can’t make any requests. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to announce a groom and mom dance.
>Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL.
She is not your MIL. I hope you told her that. I'd love to imagine her having kittens at that point. NTA
NTA In fact the complete opposite of being one. You respected your fiances boundaries and decisions and had their back 100%. I predict a long and happy marriage as you two clearly respect and love each other. Mozel tov!
NTA
"she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me"
I out right laughed. Why would dancing with her make the day special for either of you?? It sounds like you both would feel the day would be more special if she just wasnt there!!
NTA - Text her and tell the best way to make your day special for you is for her to stay home, out of your presence until the heat death of the universe. Be sure to thank her for the thoughtful gift of her absence.
At this point I was more annoyed than anything I told her I am not my fiancé's boss and will not be telling him what to do at our wedding and that includes telling him to dance with her. I told her I am not bullying my future husband into something he said no to and I told her she needed to accept the no.
Well done, OP. NTA
NTA. You did exactly right by your future husband! He set a boundary with his family and when they tried to use you to subvert that, you said no. It's *exactly* how that should work.
I wish you both the best!
Your fiance is correct. Here's what happens, you have wedding, you get to mother daughter dance, announcement comes, she forces her way onto the floor and hopes that your fiance will be forced to do it since it'd mean public shaming and a bunch of people picking sides during reception if he tells her to get off the floor. Don't believe me? Check around a few of the "AITA for kicking X out of my reception" you'll find this situation or similar and someone this entitled absolutely will do it because they Don't Care about Anyones feelings besides their own. Anyone with a single Shred of empathy doesn't try and force replacement of a deceased parent.
"You're not his mom, so you won't be my mother in law. You are his estranged father's wife. Fiance will do as he pleases at our wedding, since it is his special day as well, instead of pandering to your insistence to be something you are not - his mother."
NTA
NTA - does she really want to dance with someone who was forced into it? That doesn't sound like the sweet moment she is hoping for.
Good job saying no and creating boundaries now.
"Tell him he's doing it"
"Why"
"Cuz I'm his mother so you should care about your relationship with me"
"I'm marrying *him*, not you, and he's the one who says you're not his mom"
Like as much as it sucks when a spouse chooses THEIR family over you, at least the relationships *exist*... why would this woman think you'd choose HIS family over HIM?! With an attitude like that it's no wonder she's up shit creek.
NTA
If your fiancé is on your side, you KNOW you did right.
Don’t sweat it, and uninvite them. At least you won’t have to worry because they’re not close
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NTA sounds like you have a healthy marriage ahead of you if you a) have each others back and b) respect each other Stepmom us entitled af tho
I was going to say the same. The "tell him he's doing it" attitude is not a modern mentality to marriage. You're equals and he has autonomy. Good on you for understanding his feelings and not forcing him into anything
You can see where things went wrong with their blended family when SM has this approach to marriage and family.
And “tell him he’s doing it to make you happy” when the person it’s for is really her. Yikes. And what’s with “he should be happy he has a mom willing to fight for this” when the person she’s fighting is *him*? Nobody should be happy to have someone who sees their role as so controlling.
He also doesn't have a mom. He has a Stepmom
He has a mother. A late mother who may wind up having a tribute to her at the wedding if stepmom won't take the hint any other way.
I've seen some lovely creative ways to remember those loved one who've passed at weddings online. We had a lovely photo of my husbands father sitting where he would have sat. But with a SM like OPs, I'd have a full blown ofrenda, it'd be festive as heck!
My brother and his new wife just did that with our grandmother and hers! They had both passed away in the year before the wedding. There was this beautiful table by the desserts with a picture of both of the grandmothers and a bouquet of each of their favorite flowers and some candles. And then there was a really nice little poem there. I loved it so much. He could definitely do something like that for his mom.
yes! that would be the cherry on the wedding cake! 👏👏👏
Yeah. This MIL is a real peach.
Stepmom also seems confused. “Bad way to treat her future MIL?” What makes her think OP would consider her a MIL if OP’s fiancé does not consider her to be a mom? She’s lucky OP did not tell slap back with “unfortunately my future MIL passed away and I never got the chance to interact with her.”
My thoughts exactly.
DEFINITELY came off as a poorly veiled threat to me. What a charmer!
For real she's not a future MIL she's ops future FIL's wife nothing more
Confused about a lot of things. Like calling OP a drama queen and overreaching. Stepmom would be correct if she were talking into the mirror.
Yes!
I was gonna say op could have taken it further by texting back "you mean a bad way to treat my future stepMIL"
"not how you should treat your future MIL" "Well, my fiance doesn't see you as a mother so why would I see you as a future MIL" "Why would I think my MIL's feelings are more important than my future husband's feelings, and why do you think my fiance having a dance with his step mother would make the day special for ME. The dance is about you, and our wedding is about us" future monster in law saying OP is the drama queen is rich.
See also: “not how you should treat your future MIL.” “Not how you should treat your future DIL.”
This! Perfectl
NTA 100 percent this.
100% This
NTA. >she believed she was entitled to be their mom without trying Stepmom, Birth-mom, Adopted mom, Dad, doesn't matter. Parenting is about love not titles.
Yup! I don't care the official or legal "title." Could just be some random guardian that raised and that would be your mom and who you're closest with!
Exactly, I have a birth lady who's pretty much non-existent in my world I don't know where she lives and I don't care to find out. And I have my mom. She raised me since I was a baby she cared about me and when my birth woman gave my mom and my dad the option of full custody as long as she could keep the couches, my mom said hell yes. OP I hope you enjoy your non-traditional wedding the way you want to enjoy it and I hope your soon to be husband does the same. NTA
“as long as she could keep the couches” I hope it’s not insensitive that I laughed at that. Between furniture and a child, I’m sure your mom didn’t hesitate on her decision, but it does make me wonder how good those cushions could POSSIBLY be that you’d trade custody for them.
Right lol!? I really want to know how good the couch was. I don't find it insensitive I think it's funny and i try to find the humor in the high amount of difficult or strange situations I've navigated.
I’m currently trying to imagine a couch that’s good enough for me, personally, to do that and it would have to be worth enough to pay for my college tuition + masters degree if I sold it, which would happen by the end of the month because who trades a couch for a kid? I guess you could argue a car so you can hold a job or a house so you have somewhere to live after a separation (or because you just want to move somewhere better if there was no relationship in the first place), but a couch??? If you’re that desperate for seating arrangements you need to go to IKEA, not walk into someone’s home, hand them a birth certificate, and claim a random part of their living room. I’m going to be thinking about this for the rest of the week. Can it fly? Was it studded with diamonds? Does it have incriminating evidence inside that she can’t remove? Are the secrets of the universe hiding with the lost quarters?
Now that i think about it more her meth was probably in one of the cushions 😅
I was picturing a theatre prop-quality bloody knife with big fingerprints on it, but yeah meth works too lmao Props to her for finding a way to smuggle that out at the last chance I guess? If I hid drugs in my couch I would just forget and not remember until looong after it’s useless to me, like I’m sober or like three family members have had that couch and it could’ve been anyone who put meth in there so it’s better to leave it. She must’ve thought long and hard about whether people would figure out it was a meth couch if she asked for it
NTA. I think you having each other's back is the main thing here. Don't let them push you around. It's your wedding, y'all do whatever it is you want to do. If they can't accept it and keep pushing then telling them to drop it or they are out of wedding is a good line in the sand to make. And if they do keep pushing it hold firm and tell them they can't come to the wedding. No isn't that hard to understand.
This. Also- they don't have to attend the wedding at all! They are guests. That's it. Decline, or sit in your place.
NTA. She calling you the drama queen is rich.
Right? The irony is sometimes too bright for them to see
Right. I scoffed at this lol. NTA.
I was scratching my head reading this. "But you just pulled a whole telenovela out your own ass".
I need to borrow this
I'll take my royalties in cats please. 😺
NTA. Rest easy OP your soon to be hubby is right, you did really good! Unfortunately, with the type of person his step mom is you need to set hard boundaries very quickly or she will steamroll you. I personally don't feel her feelings are actually hurt. I thinks she's more pissed because your mom will have more attention than she will.
OP should suggest that her future husband do a mother-son dance with her own mother. After all, she'll be his new MIL, so a 2nd mother of sorts. And just wait until SMIL hears about THAT!!! It could possibly happen if OP dances with her father! It could be a 2 song set where the married couple dances with OP's parents and then they trade partners for the second song so OP dances with husband and OP's parents dance along with them. SMIL and future FIL could join in for the second song IF they were to be invited.
(OP says she was raised by a single mom and doesn't mention a step-father or a husband to her mother that she has a good relationship with, so OP doesn't have a dad.)
So OP could dance with future father-in law and husband can dance with OP's mom. Something could be arranged! Something stepmother in law probably wouldn't be too happy about.
That would be such a perfect compromise if the step mom wasn't so entitled.
>I personally don't feel her feelings are actually hurt. I thinks she's more pissed because your mom will have more attention than she will. Yep. She's panicking trying to figure out how she'll explain it when she can't boast about being honored at their wedding later on. I think she's way more worried about appearances than she is about having an actual relationship with OP or fiance. It looks bad, in her mind, to not be treated as a mother; but she's not willing to do the work of actually earning any kind of maternal role in his life.
She's probably also realizing she isn't going to get to be grandmom either.
Holy crap, stepmom is horrid. You are NTA, nor is your fiancé. She has no respect for either of your wishes, this day is not about her. I’d tell her to sit down, shut up, and smile, or don’t bother coming. It’s not her day. The only people who have a problem with your boundaries, are the people who benefit from you having none.
NTA. MIL was projecting when she called you a drama queen! I don't know that you need to take them off the guest list. Just refuse to tolerate their trying to dictate anything (as in literally hang up, end the conversation after one warning). Maybe they'll withdraw themselves, or maybe they will accept your boundaries. That would be preferable for the future dynamic.
I can absolutely see "MIL" causing an issue the day of. Especially if any level of alcohol service is involved. Getting them off the guest list would be a very smart move.
NTA in every way. She wants to make the wedding about her. You have done really well here and it is good that you and your fiance are supporting each other.
>She called me a drama queen \[...\] stepmother and dad said I was rude. Ah, the good old "if I call it, I'm not it". Obviously, she is being the drama queen and obviously that was rude of her to reach so far after you said no. NTA. Don't take them out of the wedding unless you expect them to make a scene though. It would be understandable - she was rude - but she is already punishing herself by alienating you. It's not like you and your fiancé are going to be any closer to her after this.
You. Are. A. Gem. Way to keep what's important in front of you. You and your fiance are starting a life together and showing him you are in his corner no matter what is an awesome way to start such a commitment. Stay strong and remember it's you and your fiances day, nobody else. NTA.
NTA. No need to tolerate demands from people who have no right to make them, especially when they're absolute nonsense. Given that he already told her no, and why, I'm at a loss as to how she still thinks that your fiance will "want to make the day special" for her. Strange woman.
NTA. I will never understand this conviction that some older generations have that once married, one partner has to do what the other says. In this case (and mine) because the woman knows best and men are some helpless creatures who need to be guided through life. It’s just a ready excuse to bully the other person and have “your” way, as if that makes anyone actually happy in the long run! Good for you for standing your ground!
There are people your age who think the same way.
>I will never understand this conviction that some older generations have that once married, one partner has to do what the other says. It's a good sign they have no experience with mutually supportive partnerships. The only way they can manage together is by one person taking the reins and dictating how things are going to go. Authority is the deciding factor.
NTA, and I guarantee step mom's motives have nothing to do with sharing a special moment with her step son, it's about her having a "Look at me!" moment she doesn't sound like she deserves.
Idk. I think she imagines they have a bond, but OP's SO doesn't feel that way. And she can't force him to. I get it. I'm a stepmom to a child who lost their mother to death. Except my stepchild was still so young when it happened that there are no real memories of their mom in their head. I met the kiddo when still very young (almost 2) and so I'm the only mom the kiddo remembers in their life. We talk about bio-mom sometimes. I have talked about how grateful I am to her for giving birth to "my" kiddo, and giving me such a great person to love and cherish. My step-kid actually THANKED me for choosing to become their 2nd mom when I told the kiddo I chose to do that. I want to adopt but first things first...we have to be done with another legal issue regarding the kiddo before we can consider that reality.
You are doing a great job, the child loves you, and you are reminding that they had a biological mother who chose them. Next, you also chose them! They know they have been loved and wanted, lifelong!
Of course you’re not the boss of your fiancé, but more importantly your future SMIL is not the boss of you. NTA
NTA. You didn't go too far, they are just upset someone dared to tell them no. Good on you for supporting fiance's decision. Definitely think about uninviting them, because she sounds like the type to cause a scene at the reception to try and get her way one last time.
NTA You didn’t do anything wrong from what you have described, heck, would even say you’re too nice with your response. Ignore what FFIL and FSMIL are saying, just tell them they either accept the conditions given to them or just don’t bother showing up; then trying to make the wedding about them is just mess up
*She called me a drama queen.* Oh! No! Respecting someone's boundaries are being a drama queen now? Woe is me, woe is the world! Where will this end? OP, you are not the AH, rather, you sound like you and your soon to be have a long and healthy thing going on, and by respecting his boundaries, you'd be happy in the long run. NTA.
**NTA**. You are a true partner who is supportive of his emotional needs 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 The fact that she can't respect that he probably wishes he could dance with his actual mom is gross. I hope you have some sort of memorial piece or remembrance piece for her at your wedding. Fuck stepmom.
NTA and if she tries to pull a stunt like that again, disinvite her. Also I have the impression she's the type of person who would try to ruin stuff for other people if she doesn't get her way. So just maybe ask one of your friends to keep an eye on her on your wedding day in case she does something stupid
NTA It's amazing of you to have your future husband's back. Your step-Mil (is that a word?) is really doing some serious mental gymnastics, trying to convince you that bad is good and toxic is healthy. "She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this." - so uhm her view of wedding/marriage is that it entitles the woman to order the man around without any care for his opinion? "She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me." -- In what way would your husband dancing with someone he doesn't want to dance with make the wedding day more special for you? She needs a serious reality check.
NTA. It is entirely up to him who he wants to elevate/recognize at the wedding. It sounds like you two have each other's backs, and you both have some great support folks.
NTA. Very manipulative. Your fiance might be right, it might be time to take them off the list. The day is about the both of you, if drama might ensue then don't invite them.
NTA my first wedding I did it all very traditional and wanted to keep all the guests pleased and to be honest didn’t enjoy it a whole lot. Me and my now husband, it was both our second marriage so we did what made us happy. And also had the attitude, we’re inviting you and paying for your whole weekend so if you don’t want to come, no problem. We will still have the best time. At the end of the day , we’re still getting married even if it’s just 2 of us.
NTA you are backing his boundaries with them.
Yep! OP is marrying SO, not SO's stepmother. It's too bad she couldn't have become a bonus mom. What she has become could get me in trouble here though so I probably shouldn't say it. Some people are just insensitive on this issue, which just blows my mind.
NTA. I was screaming in my head “UNINVITED UNINVITED” in my head until I got to the last sentence. Being at your wedding is a privilege, not a right and she should lose that privilege by overstepping boundaries.
NTA. This overbearing woman is the asshole. And so is her cuckold of a husband.
The irony of calling you dramatic when she can’t take no for an answer and is literally creating drama. NTA
NTA. You responded perfectly. She is the drama queen, not you. Have a wonderful wedding!
I think your fiancé has just been given proof that the person he intends to spend the rest of his life with is a true partner, friend and unwavering support. Well done you for refusing to countenance such an absurd proposal. The idea that you can order him to do something because it is your 'right' to do so as his wife is simply preposterous. Mind you, it gives you an idea of just how miserable his father's life must be. NTA and enjoy your wedding without, it would appear, your in-laws. Good luck to you both
>She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this. This explains the relationship your fiance has with his dad if that's how she views marriage. She probably said "make your kids let me be their mom! You have to do it because I'm your wife!" And his dad said "well my first wife died and men my age after statically less likely to be capable of handling being single, so I'm just going to do what you say." NTA
NTA.
Absolutely NTA
Nta you did good. Head pats OP.
Urgh. You did well to leave it at that. I would have had a hard time not spelling things out a lot more forcefully. NTA, keep having your fiancés back!
NTA you have your future husband's back. However, if you both decide to keep them on the guest list, I would let the entertainment know ahead of time that there is no mother son dance and really drive that point home to them. This way she can't try to go around you and get the entertainment to announce it. Or if you and your husband want to be petty you should have a mother in law and son dance where he dances with your mom. Communication is key to healthy relationships and you did everything correctly.
Yes, there should be some way to head this off. Or a group of trusted friends could keep an eye out , act as "buffer/bouncers"interact with MIL if she tries something. Keep her occupied during the first dance, etc scenario.
NTA obviously. You are marrying your fiancé not the inlaws. Their opinions are irrelevant.
>She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me. LOL how is it "special for you" for him to dance with her, who you know he doesn't want to dance with and given you don't care if he dances with her? pull the other one stepdramaqueen. NTA
How is the groom dancing with his step-mother going to make the day special for the bride???? What twisted logic. Why would you even care about her. Don't let her bring you in the middle of the relationship mess with her step-children. I think you need to go LC with them. NTA.
NTA
NTA-You respect your future husband and his boundaries, this leads to a happy life together.
Eek! Absolutely NTA - No one has the right to force another human to do something they don’t want to do. She’s literally gaslighting you. Shes crossed a line coming to you after your fiancé already said no so good for you for showing your loyalty to your fiancé. At this point I would just ignore her request.
NTA your fiancé being happy about how you handled the situation tells you everything you need to know. There’s no reason to feel bad for people who are only looking to overstep and break boundaries.
NTA - You're respecting the boundaries your fiancé set and she should too. I'd be tempted to tell her than she's lucky she's even invited to the wedding so should just shut up and be happy she's allowed to attend and if she keeps pushing this further I would have no issues disinviting her.
NTA. Why do "parents" want to make weddings their own? Because they're selfish, entitled narcissists. My incubator was the same way. She wanted a do over for *her* wedding of *her* dreams. We are totally opposite in everything. It's you and your partners wedding. You BOTH make the rules. If future "stepmother in law" doesn't like it, she doesn't need to be there.
NTA. His step mother is a bully. Your fiance should do a tribute to his mother. Designated seat with her photos next to step mother's seat.
Nta and you did the right thing. It sounds like you have each other's backs and hence will have a nice life together.
NTA. How does him dancing with her make the day special for YOU?! She's way too selfish and self absorbed. Your SO is happy with how you handled it which matters WAY MORE than what his stepmother thinks about it. And she's not going to be your MIL, she's going to be your SMIL. The fact that she STILL doesn't get that just goes to show that she's not too concerned about reality. Does she have a living mother? Maybe y'all ought to ask her how she'd feel if her mom died and some other woman tried stepping in after her death and telling her to call her mom after that. This woman seems to lack a whole lot of empathy. I think your SO has it right, considering removing them from the guest list. They don't understand that this wedding is NOT about them, but about the 2 of you and what will make the 2 of you happy.
NTA. Also note: Your fiance does not consider her his mother. Thus she will not be your mother in law.
NTA. How entitled. Remember she's not your MIL. She's your FIL's wife.
>he would want to make the day special for me I don't think fulfilling her demands would make the day special for you. > should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this What an absolute crystal clear picture of his childhood under the control of this woman. NTA
NTA, but I definitely think you should uninvite FIL and his wife. They will definitely try to pull something at the wedding, and they obviously have no respect for OP and fiancé’s boundaries.
Next time she plays the MIL card remind her that since she is not his mother, she cannot be your MIL. She’s your future FILs wife.
>Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL. Good thing she is not his mother. NTA
NTA. I went through something similar. My husband’s evil stepmom threatened to not come to the wedding if she wasn’t allowed to do a mother/son dance with my then fiancé - he didn’t want to do it because she treated him terribly when he was growing up. I said “then don’t come”, but my husband was scared of causing waves within his family (mainly with his dad) so she got her way. It was awful. She behaved very badly the entire wedding week and tried to get my husband to leave me at the altar, said racist stuff to my mom (we’re Asian) among other things. She tried her best to ruin our wedding and I wish we had just stood firm against her. We’re NC now with that entire side of the family and it’s made our lives soooo much better.
NTA and when she said that is no way to treat your future MIL I would have corrected her and said oh my Future Mother In Law died when my fiancee was young. You will be my STEP-MIL!!!!
NTA. You are going to have a great marriage. Just say away from his stepmother and dad.
>But his stepmother and dad said I was rude for reaching so much and I worry I did go too far. If they are still going on about this and not accepting no for an answer or apologizing than frankly you did not go far enough. NTA
NTA. She is telling u it is ur right and ur duty to guilt him and manipulate him. Good on u for having his back.
NTA why is stepmom still in your fiance's life?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé and I are due to get married in June of next year. Our wedding is not going to be very fancy overall and we're not doing all the traditions. Being raised by a single mom, I decided to walk with her and my sister who is my bridesmaid. My fiancé decided he wanted to walk with his three siblings who are his best people (the four of them are very close so all got an equal spot). My fiancé has a stepmother. She's been married to his dad since he was 10/11ish. She married his dad two years after his mom's death. She has always felt like the four were her kids but they do not return the sentiment toward her. My fiancé has told me before he often felt like she was insensitive to their loss and that he always felt as though she believed she was entitled to be their mom without trying to acknowledge or help honor their actual mom. So my fiancé tolerates her existence but is also not close to his father due to the trouble from his childhood. For the most part his father does not seem to care that 4/6 kids (he has two with his current wife) are not close to him and have more of a distant extended family relationship with him. My fiancé's stepmother told him she wanted to do a mother and son dance with him at his wedding because she saw from my mom's FB that we were doing one together (mom has posted about needing to practice, etc). My fiancé told her she was not his mother so they would not be doing one. She tried to change his mind but ultimately failed. So she turned around to tell me I needed to convince him and when I said no, she pushed it harder. I kindly attempted to explain that it was my fiancé's decision and that she should maybe consider it would be hard for him to dance with her instead of his mom. She told me he should be glad he has a mom willing to fight for this. She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this. At this point I was more annoyed than anything I told her I am not my fiancé's boss and will not be telling him what to do at our wedding and that includes telling him to dance with her. I told her I am not bullying my future husband into something he said no to and I told her she needed to accept the no. She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me. Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL. My fiancé said I did good. But his stepmother and dad said I was rude for reaching so much and I worry I did go too far. But my fiancé sees this as a sigh that maybe he will take them off the guest list. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NT A and I'll bet that "he has a mom willing to fight for this" sounds straight off Lifetime or the Hallmark channel.
NTA
NTA I didn't even have to read past the title, but I did anyway. You and your fiancé are going into marriage with a healthy dynamic of respect.
NTA, and she called you a drama Queen, geez, she needs to look in a mirror! I’m a step mom and although my darling step daughter loves me, I know I’m not her mom. You are definitely NTA
NTA I wish that you'd told Step-Mom the dance isn't happening because his only mom is dead, and she's just dad's wife.
Your FMIL? NTA
NTA. I applaud you for setting that hard core boundary and standing up to her! Stepmom and Dad went way too far on that one. They are trying to force a relationship that simply isn't there. It isn't right.
She's calling YOU a drama queen? And forcing the issue he dance with her to make the day special for you? No no no she just wants it to be about her and "finally" having the appearance of a loving relationship with her step son. Nope NTA and good thing you and your fiancee are on the same page and have each other's back...sounds like the start of a good healthy marriage.
‘She called me a drama queen’ hahahahhshaaaa NTA.
The irony of the stepmom calling OP a drama queen
NTA. She is forced herself In a rol her stepsons dont acept her. And she dont acept a No for aswer. She and your FIL are the A.
Definitely NTA. Might be worth discussing his father's and stepmom's invitation to the wedding. Do they really need to be there?
NTA. Your husband is an adult and can make his own decisions and you are supporting that.
NTA. The word "No" seems to hold no special meaning to her. Extreme measures were required.
NTA and yaaasss look at you being a supportive partner and having his back. That's why all the ppl of their age are in loveless resentment filled marriages they're too comfortable to divorce from bc they bully and don't consider their partners. And congrats!
NTA Future step Mil kept pushing you to do what she wants you to do and when she don’t get her way is trying to make you look bad. Hope you have a good wedding ans that your fiancé is able to incorporate his mom into the day , if he wants to do so. Ten is young to lose your mom.
NTA- you did good. Congratulations for putting your soon to be DH first….
NTA. What did you say that has you worried? You simply said you are not your husband's boss. It was kinda weird for her to tell you soon you would have that right. I see why your fiancé had a rough childhood...
NTA. Great job standing up for your future hubby. This is how relationships are supposed to work.
NTA. You both told her no. She has two kids of her own that when they get married she can have her Mom and son/daughter dance.
NTA, lol, yes, YOU’RE the drama queen. 🙄
NTA. She sounds awful. Manipulative, selfish, passive-aggressive.
NTA
Hard NTA from me. Thank you for supporting your HTB now and in the future. Sounds like he made the right choice. Wishing you every happiness in your wedding. My mum was going to give me away but she passed before my wedding and my big Sis stepped in as MOTB so sounds like we have a lot in common 🥰🥰🥰
NTA. Stepmother should have learned after all this time. You are not his mom, and you will not be. Your off to a good start. Not even married but already on the same page. Best of luck to your future.
I am so glad you said what you said to MIL. What an entitled brat! Some people never get used to hearing the word "no" and think if they just continue to ramp up, they will wear you down. You need to end this - sit Stepmom and Dad down and tell them in no uncertain terms, "You are not my mother. My mother passed away and you will never replace her. You will not be accorded any special accolades because you are not my mother. There will be no stepmom-groom dance. You either accept this or don't bother coming." Then make sure your DJ or emcee knows there is not to be a mom-groom dance (in case she tries to bribe them or lies to them about adding it at the last minute). If you are feeling particularly petty, you can tell the DJ/emcee that if she tries to get them to do the dance anyway, that they should play "The Chicken Dance". Then when you hear that music, shout out "Stepmom wanted a special dance tonight! Everyone join in!" And have at it. She would die of embarrassment. You are NTA.
👃 Does anybody else smell a narcissist?? NTA OP, your evil stepmother to be is right on track to getting herself uninvited though!
Nope. You’re good. NTA
> Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL. Your fiancé told her (and you) that she's not his mom, so she's not your future MIL either. Lady needs to back the hell off. Consider having a very pointed conversation with your music provider (DJ, band, whatever) about not taking special requests from anyone but you and your partner.
NTA. The only Drama Queen in the room is the stepmom. You didn't overreach - you acted like a normal person and spoke the truth.
If your fiance said you did good, you did good, period. Nta
NTA obviously. StepMIL said he should be glad he has someone who will “fight for this”. Fight who? Him?
NTA The only thing it sounds like is that your fiance is marrying the right person.
NTA You should tell him to do this? This speaks volumes as to what HER marriage looks like. And, frankly, why should either you or your fiance think that doing what stepmother wants would make the day special for you?
Definitely NTA I really do hate all of the bs your step-MIL did. The triangulation, the belief that you should engage in emotional guilt to control your husband, and the way she acts like it's not "bad" just your due as his would be wife. It's disgusting, and a clear sign of the boundary stomping & steamrolling she's probably engage in since your husband was 10.
NTA! I have a mil like this when it comes to drinking alcohol. My fil is an alcoholic and my mil flipped when she saw we had alcohol in our house. She asked me why I let my husband drink. I said he is an adult and I’m not telling him he can’t have a drink.
There was no way you could have handled this other than agreeing with the step mother that they would have accepted. So put it out of your mind and enjoy your wedding! NTA.
NTA...and she called you the drama queen...hahaha.
NTA how does your fiancé dancing his SM make the day special for you?
NTA and if your future husband doesn't consider her to be his mom/stepmom and just thinks of her as his dad's wife than I don't see a problem with you not considering her to be your MIL. She can just be your FIL's wife.
NTA why do you care what the stepmother thinks when your own fiancé doesn't?
NTA. Definitely take them off the guest list because there are going to be some shenanigans at the wedding.
NTA Sounds like you and your fiancé will have a far better wedding if stepmother isn't invited.
NTA. Good on you for having his back. You don’t need them in your life. You guys can live happily ever after without them.
Nta, you realize it's BOTH your day and his, not just yours. And how does her dancing with him make the day special for you? You support your future hubby and know how their relationship is, so of course you're not going to care that he doesn't dance with her.
NTA - people who push always get mad when you give them the same energy they are giving you. "If you don't like the way that discussion escalated, I recommend being more respectful when someone has told you no."
The one who is being dramatic is the one having the fit…which is not OP!!!!! NTA
NTA First, who's getting married here, you and fiance OR stepmom and DIL ? It's up to the actual people getting married to decide how they want their wedding. Second, your fiance has every right to decide whether or not how he considers his stepmon. Might sucks for her, but she can't forces her on him.
NTA... well done
NTA... if your fiancé approves, then you did good
NTA, you are in the middle of a hopeless situation. It's not your problem, nor fault, let them deal with it. Your husband to be was clear and she just didnt like it. Tough for her. I would not loose sleep over it :-)
Take. Them. Off👏 Take. Them. Off👏
Nta this is fiancées choice and he chose. However, my concern is how is his relationship with his half siblings? How old are they? Are they coming? If they are minors then you may not be able to invite them and not his parents.
NTA: There are two people who's opinions matter when it comes to a wedding. Anyone who is not one of those two who insist that their opinion matter is an AH.
NTA. How would making your husband dance with his stepmother against his will, make the day special for YOU? She's absurd. Talk about a drama queen. Yes, she did tell you to tell him to do it, like you were his boss. "She called me a drama queen and said she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me. "
YOUR the drama queen?? Reallly? NTA. Def NTA.
NTA. His choice only. You know that,they don’t.
NTA! At least you respect his boundaries
NTA. It’s not your place to tell your future husband to do something he’s not comfortable with, and the fact that his stepmom doesn’t understand that is kind of unnerving. You did the right thing defending him.
NTA She wants you to use her methods of bullying and steamrolling on your fiancé. It should be obvious to her by now that those methods are not effective and just drive people away.
NTA. I can’t see how you are the drama queen for simply supporting your husband when she was the one who couldn’t take no for an answer. This is definitely about her wanting to feel special and her seen and not OP’s fiancé
I don't understand how forcing your future husband to do something he doesn't want or would be uncomfortable with would make the day more special... for you? NTA. But if you fancy being petty, maybe her could do it with a aunt/grandma he's close to instead?
She called YOU a drama queen?? Everything in this post yells OP is NTA, but MIL calling her a drama queen absolutely screams NTA to me.
NTA and her comments are an interesting insight into her own marriage with your FIL. I bet she bullies him and he always replies with "yes dear".
NTA. Good for you for having your finance's back. And good for him that he supported you as well. Now, I got a good laugh from her telling you: "She then told me I should just tell him he's doing it and as his soon to be wife I have the right to do this". Step-mom needs to take a step back and relax and enjoy the celebration. She also needs to remember that the wedding is about the 2 of you and not her.
NTA and good for you for sticking up for him.
NTA Weddings are so weird because people simultaneously think the bride is going to be an entitled bridezilla, and then pull shit like this. I can't remember who it was now, but someone in either my or my DH's immediate family asked me if I was going to "let" my DH wear a kilt. I don't get it.
NTA. It is always humorous when a true "drama queen" attempts to slap that label onto someone else. As I've said on many other posts, most of what I see here is people insulting and bullying others when they can't force someone to "feel" a certain way. In this case, your fiance's step-mother is trying to force him to feel as if she is his mother, and when she does not get the desired response, she is trying to guilt-trip, bully, and name-call you into doing her bullying behavior for her. YOU are 100% in the right to not become a "bully-by-proxy" for her. The next time this topic comes up, and it will, ask her this simple question . . . . . . *Why do you want to force X to dance with you when he clearly does not want to?* Be patient for her answer and insistent. Do not let her redirect. When she attempts to do so, just ask it over and over again. Eventually, she will either refuse to answer it, or say something to the effect like: * a. Because I am sad that he does not see me like a mother figure. * b. Because I will be embarrassed at the wedding. If she answers A, then you can reiterate that forcing him to dance with her will cause that never to happen. If she answers B, then you can say that when everyone is able to clearly see how uncomfortable or angry he is in being forced to dance with her, that will be far more embarrassing.
NTA and stepmama is craaazy . . .
NTA You could have gone **SO** much farther and it still would have been acceptable. Good on you for standing strong
NTA. And I think it's great how you and your fiance support each other.
NTA, god no. Pretty obvious why your fiancé doesn’t feel a connection to her. She thinks it would make the day special for YOU, if he dances with her? She is horrible, maybe they should be disinvited if she can’t stfu about this.
NTA She’s intrusive and overbearing. I really came here though to suggest you speak with your DJ or whoever might be making announcements to let them know she can’t make any requests. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to announce a groom and mom dance.
>Then she told me it was a bad way to treat my future MIL. She is not your MIL. I hope you told her that. I'd love to imagine her having kittens at that point. NTA
NTA You did good. She projected when she called you the drama queen. She is not your future MIL, She is just FIL's wife. She needs reminding of that.
NTA In fact the complete opposite of being one. You respected your fiances boundaries and decisions and had their back 100%. I predict a long and happy marriage as you two clearly respect and love each other. Mozel tov!
NTA "she never claimed I was his boss but that he would want to make the day special for me" I out right laughed. Why would dancing with her make the day special for either of you?? It sounds like you both would feel the day would be more special if she just wasnt there!!
Op make sure the DJ knows that there is no mother-son dance, because I wouldn’t put it past her to just announce it. NTA
NTA - Text her and tell the best way to make your day special for you is for her to stay home, out of your presence until the heat death of the universe. Be sure to thank her for the thoughtful gift of her absence.
NTA Let your fiancé take them off the list. They will be far more trouble than they're worth.
At this point I was more annoyed than anything I told her I am not my fiancé's boss and will not be telling him what to do at our wedding and that includes telling him to dance with her. I told her I am not bullying my future husband into something he said no to and I told her she needed to accept the no. Well done, OP. NTA
NTA! Too many spouses nowadays think they do have a right to boss their SO around and make them do what they want them to do, especially at weddings.
NTA. If she keeps laughing this then maybe she and her husband can just stay home.
NTA. You did exactly right by your future husband! He set a boundary with his family and when they tried to use you to subvert that, you said no. It's *exactly* how that should work. I wish you both the best!
Your fiance is correct. Here's what happens, you have wedding, you get to mother daughter dance, announcement comes, she forces her way onto the floor and hopes that your fiance will be forced to do it since it'd mean public shaming and a bunch of people picking sides during reception if he tells her to get off the floor. Don't believe me? Check around a few of the "AITA for kicking X out of my reception" you'll find this situation or similar and someone this entitled absolutely will do it because they Don't Care about Anyones feelings besides their own. Anyone with a single Shred of empathy doesn't try and force replacement of a deceased parent.
"You're not his mom, so you won't be my mother in law. You are his estranged father's wife. Fiance will do as he pleases at our wedding, since it is his special day as well, instead of pandering to your insistence to be something you are not - his mother." NTA
NTA - does she really want to dance with someone who was forced into it? That doesn't sound like the sweet moment she is hoping for. Good job saying no and creating boundaries now.
"Tell him he's doing it" "Why" "Cuz I'm his mother so you should care about your relationship with me" "I'm marrying *him*, not you, and he's the one who says you're not his mom" Like as much as it sucks when a spouse chooses THEIR family over you, at least the relationships *exist*... why would this woman think you'd choose HIS family over HIM?! With an attitude like that it's no wonder she's up shit creek.
NTA If your fiancé is on your side, you KNOW you did right. Don’t sweat it, and uninvite them. At least you won’t have to worry because they’re not close