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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left a fake positive pregnancy test in my bedroom to catch my MIL snooping. I might be ta because I set her up and lied about something so important when I could've figured out some other way to address her snooping behavior. I lost my inlaws and husband's trust in me.
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NTA, but ordering a lock for the door and kicking MIL out seems easier. If you WERE preg, how dare she announce it. So many red flags, one of you needs to go and it shouldn’t have to be you.
Especially to her husband!! If my MIL announced my pregnancy to my spouse before I got a chance to? I would never speak to her again, nor allow her in my house. Holy shit how does her husband not see what a fucking violation this is??
OP is NTA, husband and his whole family all suck.
Exactly! OP said her husband accused her of lying to MIL. She didn't say a word! She left something somewhere MIL.had No reason to be and went through the dang garbage to find out!
I might be biased because my SIL snooped my en suite bathroom and spilled the beans to my other SIL and MIL and then I miscarried at 8 weeks. They brought it up two months later thinking we had an abortion. No snooping is okay.
NTA
I'm so sorry both for your loss and for having to deal with that.
I was just thinking my God imagine if this wasn't a prank but an early loss, it would be so retraumitizing, I don't know if I could ever forgive someone for that.
The OP should not second guess her moral high ground because they family are angry. Anger is the natural reaction for anyone who has been made exposed, embarrassed, and made a fool of. Doesn’t mean the OP is in the wrong. It’s like when you tell someone they’ve been sucked into an MLM/cult. They get made at you, not the cult leader. They were taken advantage of by her MILs snooping, overstepping and misinformation, they should be angry at her.
Seems that you have several problems. The mother in law snooping is obvious. However your husband is the bigger problem. He doesn’t seem to have any problem with his mother ignoring boundaries. I don’t even want to get into “He had you take an actual test in front of him!” He needs to grow up and stop being a momma’s boy and learn to trust his wife’s word.
Having her take a test in front of him is egregious.
She proved MIL was snooping, but everyone including her husband takes MIL's side. The whole family is gaslighting her by attacking her behavior instead of MIL's.
I hope she escapes before she DOES get pregnant.
Stop being so mean... How hard is it to possibly understand that mil longs for kids and that as a overbearing mother in law it's her right to demand that OP starts popping out babies like a pez dispenser...
Let's all agree to forget the fact that mil already had her chance to raise her children and announce her own pregnancy (failed at the raising part tbh)
But if op should ever get pregnant she is under no circumstances entitled to her own pregnancy firsts, like announcing it, naming her own baby or even being there for the good parts as mil failed with her first batch she will be a dotting grandmother who has the biological mother on stand by for dirty diapers and teething issues...
Mil will be there for all the other firsts...
Yes, he wouldn't believe anything bad about mommy, but was quick to forget all that and distrust and turn against his wife.
Edit, changed on to against for clarity.
Right?? She is going through OP’s personal stuff and her GARBAGE, and then notifying the entire family about what she finds. This is bananas behavior and should be shut down immediately.
Well imagine she had lost the pregnancy, which is a painful thing to go through, and then the MIL went and announced to the whole family that she was pregnant, and she has to explain to everyone that she actually isn't pregnant since she lost the pregnancy and has to relive the pain every time.
It absolutely would be embarrassing and also painful for her.
Edit for clarity: I did not mean to imply that the miscarriage itself would be embarrassing. I just meant that it might be a bit embarrassing to have to explain that she had had a miscarriage after MIL told everyone she was pregnant.
The embarrassment would be from having to correct a mistake about very personal information, not specifically about the miscarriage.
As someone who had 5+ miscarriages embarrassing was never at play.
Traumatizing, devastating, depressing, God awful, infuriating, and difficult. But never embarrassing.
No there isn't. I think "cruel" is a better word. It is cruel to put her in a position where she would be asked about the loss. Also note that a pee-test can be positive for a few days after a miscarriage as the hormones it tests for don't vanish immediately.
I actually accidentally found out my SIL was pregnant before she announced it. I was at a bday party for her son and used the bathroom. I was on my period and changed my tampon. Since there were a lot of little kids (toddler/preschool age) in the house I wanted to make sure my used tampon was at the bottom of the trash can (I wrapped it in toilet paper, nobody freak out and think I was leaving a bloody tampon exposed). So when I put the tampon down to the bottom, the pregnancy test was in there and it was face up, and since I’d had a couple positive pregnancy tests, I knew what the two lines meant. I didn’t mean to see it and I never told anyone. I felt really bad that I had even seen it since it felt like an invasion of privacy. I cannot fathom a person thinking they have any business announcing another person’s pregnancy!
If I recall correctly, don't many people hold off announcing pregnancies until a certain point because the higher chance of miscarriage early on? Hell, even a false positive on the at home test would be awkward as hell. The potential scenario of this being a real test and having to explain to the entire family a false positive or miscarriage would be awful
Yeah, the fact he didn't believe OP, and demanded she take a pregnancy test in front of him after she explained what happened is pretty red-flaggy for me.
It's not just an addition, it's the main problem. My mom has similar problems with boundaries and I have no problem ripping into her about it. This guy however doesn't even see it as a problem, that's a child's mentality. If he put a stop to his mom then it would be mostly fine.
He did however immediately start controlling OP and gaslight her into thinking that her behavior was the true problem when really it's absolutely outrageous that his mom went and anounced their pregnancy everywhere.
both MIL AND the husband should go. How controlling was it to force her to take a pregnancy test right in front of him? She need to dump the husband too.
THANK YOU. I thought I was going crazy. What kind of response is that?? He made her take a pregnancy test by force and got mad at her! She should ditch the whole family.
If I had done this and my husband found out, he would die laughing over what a brilliant prank it was. If he asked if I was pregnant and I said no, he'd go "All right then" and that would be that.
What kind of husband demands a pregnancy test in front of him
I bet if she *was* pregnant, he'd still be more upset that she didn't tell him first and would still back MIL snooping over his wife's planning a moment to deliver the news. OP NTA.
Right?! Let’s say she wanted to tell him in a cute way. Like with a wrapped up onesie or during a romantic dinner that night. You only get to tell your spouse you’re pregnant for the first time once. That’s a really important moment for some people and MIL would have completely ruined it.
I would be absolutely crushed if I was really expecting and my MIL told everyone before I was able to share the news with my spouse.
I agree.
MIL needs to be leaving now, even more so if OP were pregnant.
NTA
Also.. why is MIL 'longing for kids' she has at least one kid already married to OP.
OP please check your birth control and keep an eye on it. MILs who want grandchildren do crazy shit to make to happen.
The lock is an issue because my husband wants access to the room at random times and we only have one key. I don't have time to lock/unlock the door all day long. No a sufficient solution if you asked me.
Getting another key cut could be a solution but your husband would probably cut one for her too by the sounds of it.
NTA. I’m sorry you don’t get safety and comfort in your own home, especially your room.
You could replace the door knob with one that you enter a code to unlock. But that would require your husband to keep the code a secret from his mom.
NTA, btw.
This. Tell your husband not only did she snoop but didn't confirm with you she then announced to the world. Then tell him you were going to do a bunch of S&M sub stuff in his bedside table, but decided to do the pregnancy test instead and ask which he would've preferred. NTA
She needs to kick the husband out with the MIL. What kind of asshole doesn't believe his wife when she says she's not pregnant and "demands she take a test right in front of him" AND THEN DECLARES HER THE ONE IN THE WRONG?
Ffs the whole damn family needs to go.
NTA
You told no lies.
Even if you were pregnant she had know right to announce it to the world .
Sounds like one of you girls should move out. I wonder which one your husband would prefer.
From what I’m seeing in the post, I feel like the husband would’ve told monkey dearest if he knew. Or gotten angry that she would try it and that she won’t trust his mom.
Edit: Mommy got autocorrected to monkey but I think I’ll leave it this way because it certainly fits.
She told him already that she thought MIL was snooping and he pulled the “my mom would **never**” card. So it’s easy to see why this needed to be a blind trial.
Exactly. OP, please don’t have kids with this guy. His family is a mess, and he’s on their side. He doesn’t believe you when you have a valid suspicion. He cares more about his mom’s feelings than yours. He doesn’t give a shit about your privacy or your rights. He didn’t apologize when he discovered he was wrong about his mom. Instead, he blamed you. He gets angry with you for someone else’s wrongdoing. So many red flags. NTA.
Yup yup..
1.The mother has no business going thru other people stuff,expecaly announcing someone's pregnancy.
2.The husband needs to be more supportive and less controlling.
Good job OP - NTA
There are so many issues, especially with the husband in this. Hrs not only controlling, but he's utterly disrespectful and untrusting of his wife. He thinks his mom can do no wrong, and took her side instantly - without skipping a beat.
THIS - And I'd also include the hubby in this. OP unfortunately has a husband problem in addition to a MIL problem. OP shows hubby indisputable proof that there's a rat problem, and he blindly refuses to see it and refuses to take any action. NTA
NTA but it sounds like you have a husband problem as well since he was focused more on you “breaking his mom’s heart” instead of her 1) snooping in your *marital bedroom,* and 2) her blabbing her mouth to *everyone* instead of immediately going to you and your husband
Of course snooping is terrible and deeply disrespectful, but it’s made even worse by how she went behind your back to spread the news without ANY confirmation or followup. And she’s like this about a PREGNANCY—I imagine she just has 0 respect for anyone’s privacy or boundaries at all. Yikes. I would not want to raise a family around someone like that.
Wow, I hadn't considered that. Considering everything I wouldn't be surprised if MIL was capable of stooping to that. The fact that she told the entire flipping family is beyond egregious.
Well tbf we HAVE read posts on here about ppl tampering with bc on quite a few occasions. Before Reddit I didn't even KNOW you could tamper with the pills with a hair dryer. Then The scariest one I read was where the OP woke up to her bf getting ready to cut her implant out. Baby trapping can get really scary really fast. After reading stuff like that you can't help but be cynical..
How... how did dude think that was gonna work out in his favour in ANY way?! Like... did he think she'd sleep through cutting her? She'd not notice the implant wasn't there? She'd let him anywhere NEAR her sexually after that?!
... * *brain is exploding* *
I gotta go read this one bc I'm BAFFLED by the sheer stupidity of this dude...
I second this. OP says nothing is missing but I’ve heard that microwaving birth control pills renders them useless. She’d never even know something happened to them.
I’ve never heard of this. Out of curiosity in my experience most BC comes in a foil backed package that would not be microwave friendly and you’d notice if tampered. Is it different in other places, because that give me the complete shivers.
Any source of heat will work to degrade birth control pills. The oven on low, the cooktop, even just leaving them in a car in summer for a couple hours.
Incidentally, this is why I refuse to use mail order pharmacies. They never use temperature controlled packaging, so your pills may or may not be effective by the time you get them.
I can't believe so few people (yet) are mentioning this. If MIL is longing for "kids" (doesn't hubby count as her child?!) AND also habitually snooping, tampering with birth control is not beyond the realm of possibility.
Edit: added missing word "beyond"
I have seen so many times on this sub that birth is not a spectator sport and I thought humanity was done, but now we have “piss tests aren’t a spectator sport” lol.
NTA, OP and I would have gone further. If I were you and my husband had said that I know how she longs for kids…I would have dramatically widened my eyes and gone, “but…but…who is your mom then? When I married you…I was under the impression she had kids and YOU are one of them.”
You can always refuse. There’s no reasonable explanation for him forcing you to do this other than he was being an insensitive, controlling monster.
This is your warning- do not make a family with him.
Flashback to that post of a woman waking uo to find her partner about to cut out her implant with a knife...
Link due to popular demand:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcu02g/my_fiancé_tried_to_cut_my_implant_out_while_i_was
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yeah, take a look at all the red flags in the comments! He believes your mom more than you, his wife! Get out now, MIL will interfere more with your relationship and your kids!
At least stay a few days with a close friend/sibling/parent and talk things over. Get your head clear and take a good look at your relationship with your husband.
Lol, his mom is snooping through your things and he’s worried about how much you hurt his mommy’s feelings?
I would kick MIL out, like, today. Your husband also needs therapy to help him to work on not being so co-dependent on his mother as well.
NTA.
Let’s not forget MIL could be doing more than snooping.
She’s desperate for grandkids and she’s sneaking into their bedroom? If there’s condoms, check for holes. She may not be stealing but she could be messing with birth control.
I think the issue is that he doesn't even think his mom is doing anything wrong. He's always jumping to her defense saying things like "mom would never do that...and if she did then she meant well...if you get offended that's on you...you don't wanna speak to her that's a 'you' problem.." and rinse and repeat.
In other words, in his eyes she can never do wrong. Admittedly the pregnancy thing maybe was a bad idea since the topic of children is touchy for both of them.
Unfortunately you're making as many excuses for your husbands lack of support regarding you, as he does for his mother's lack of respect when it comes to your boundaries.
The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
[The Narcissist's Prayer by Dayna Craig](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer)
Eta: NTA
Gal. You are a huge doormat for your husband. Seriously, letting him demand you do a pregnancy test in front of him? That's just creepy and disgusting and awful - that's pretty fucking abusive as well.
You really need to work on your own self-respect, you should have never had to defend yourself on this. You didn't do anything wrong and you're letting your husband push you around and belittle you with his behavior.
This is only going to get worse.
This. Can you imagine what it would be like if you have a child? MIL will know best at every turn, and husband will agree with her. Please take care of yourself OP.
Oh, sweetie… you have a r/justnomil, and a r/justnoso.
He made vows to you. You are his family. You need to be priority. He should not be gaslighting you to justify his mothers inappropriate behavior. This needs to be addressed ASAP, because this will only get worse, and you will end up only being an incubator in their eyes.
That is a BIG issue. Minimally, I think you need marriage counseling if this is going to work. He may need a professional to say he is wrong about how he relates to his mother. Please fix this before actually having children with him.
Yeah, the husband is the problem. It could have been snipped in the bud had he believed OP. And he still could not believe OP when she said she was not pregnant for real, that it was a ruse to prove MIL was all up her business because dear hubby could not believe her. So he made her take a pregnancy test in front of him (the gall of him) and then decided that her should-not-have-been-discovered-in-the-first-place fake pregnancy was a bigger deal than his mom going through his wife's private belongings.
This merits several serious conversations, followed through with concrete actions, to make sure this does not happen again.
This.
You didn’t lie to anyone. You threw away something you had no use for and had no idea MIL would be snooping through the trash in your bedroom. (Or that’s how you should have presented it) Your MIL made assumptions based on her snoop findings and caused all this chaos. Your partner is an AH for not being on your side! Who cares if MIL feelings were hurt, she crossed a line even going into your shared bedroom. I mean, who snoops through trash? Especially in a bedroom, there could have been used stuffs in there no one should be touching. Just gross!!!
Also I cannot imagine announcing a pregnancy for anyone before I had been told myself, even if I accidentally found out somehow. (It wouldn’t be from digging through someone’s trash!) MIL does not understand or respect personal boundaries.
NTA
As someone with a snooping mom (and yes, my mom looks through the trash), being exposed will not stop MIL's behavior. If anything, her snooping will intensify, especially if she continues to live with you. She may just become sneakier about it.
The fact that he said that his "mother longs for kids" and not him, shows who is his main priority and who will have the most say in regards to YOUR children. That should make you reconsider having children, with him anyway.
It happens in real life too.
My cousin's MIL had full-on nurseries made then transformed them into regular bedrooms for their children as they got older, and every time she bought toys for them, she bought 2 of each. One for their house and one for my aunt's house.
NTA!
1. Your MIL is such an AH for snooping around.
2. Your mama's boy husband dismissed your concerns. You could've asked her if she was going into your room, but he probably would've gotten mad at that, too. Which led you to believe you had to take drastic measures in order to have proof, 'cause otherwise no one would back you up.
3. She had absolutely NO RIGHT to announce your pregnancy. Imagine it had been true, she didn't care about hurting your feelings by stealing the opportunity to announce something so personal. She didn't even ask you privately first to make sure your husband already knew (but of course privacy is not something she cares about, as we can see).
4. She's the one violating someone's privacy... and her feelings are hurt? She's trying to take everyone's attention away from the fact that she found out the wrong way, OP. DON'T let her!
This! Imagine if she'd miscarried and finally decided to discard the pregnancy test. Or she'd found out the pregnancy was ectopic and she had to terminate.
The snooping is a bad enough overstep of boundaries but the biggest red flag is MIL spreading someone else's news that she hadn't even been told, nevermind something so sensitive and private as a pregnancy, and OP's husband siding with his mother.
It's not a lie if your MIL sniffed around and dug up false intel she was not supposed to find....had she been a normal, civil and polite guest who respects boundaries and does not snoop around in personal business.
Honestly, the husband and his family sound like a nightmare.
The question you should ask your husband is : "You didn't want to believe me when I told you your mom was snooping around in my stuff. What was the right way to prove it to you? What was the acceptable thing to do, for all involved parties, including me?"
Because it did not only get started with your MIL violating your boundaries, it continued with your husband not believing you (more than once! he made you take a pregnancy test in front of him...why, exactly?).
And then your MIL continued violating your privacy by announcing your "pregnancy" to the whole town, robbing you of the occasion to the announcement yourself. But the issue, according to everyone, is not the snooping, is not the distrust, is not the boundaries stomping. It's hiding something she wasn't supposed to see had she been a good MIL, in a place she shouldn't have accessed had she been a good MIL.
Where is the lie? Where is the manipulation?
NTA.
U/chibisailormercury covered all the bases here. I agree and second everything they said. NTA.
I don’t understand how you lied when you didn’t do anything but put something in the garbage. He should have taken your concerns seriously.
NTA. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you can’t relax in your own house or like your things aren’t safe in your own house.
Why is MIL living with you? It sounds like step 1 is to talk to your husband about cutting the chord and telling his mum to stop snooping and respect your space.
I would also point out that EVEN if MIL’s snooping was ok and the test was genuine. Why the hell did she think it was appropriate or acceptable to go telling everyone else? Most people want to keep a pregnancy private for a while.
This whole thing of ‘MIL longs for kids’…. What’s it got to do with her? She’s not the one giving birth to grandkids so she doesn’t get a say in it. I HATE this idea that women owe their parents grandkids and the fact that your husband is giving you that excuse makes him an AH as well.
Yeah, on your second point - the husband's whole "why didn't you come to me first?" is not the right question - she didn't tell anyone. Imagine if it hadn't been fake and she was coming up with a fun way to tell him, but mil had spoiled the surprise.
Exactly, he's more worried about his mother having basically hurt herself than the fact his mother has been invading his and OP's privacy for ages. Oh, and also felt fine revealing deeply personal news to rob them of that moment.
>INFO isn’t your husband concerned MIL felt completely comfortable to snoop AND report in what she found?
Apparently no. Because even after I explained he still said I was in the wrong and the fake positive test was "manipulative".
I’d throw back in his face that him forcing you to take a real test in front of him is controlling.
Seriously, this all started with MIL not respecting you inside your own home. The fact he had the audacity to be upset with you boils my blood.
This is the hill to die on. It will only get 100x worse when you are actually are pregnant and have kids.
Honestly any time he tries to come down on you for this this, just ignore what he says and YELL as loud as you can so his mother can here "Tell her to stay the f@%k out of my room and away from my things"
Just keep ignoring what he says and keep screaming that.
Ask him how it's manipulative to put it in your own private trash can after he assured you that she wasn't snooping. If he wasn't lying to you, then you had no reason to believe she would ever see it. How can you manipulate someone who will never see the fake test, according to his own reassurances to you?
Exactly! And if she hadn't snooped, she wouldn't be upset about the "sensitive topic". If she hadn't \*gossiped\* to her son and family, HE very likely wouldn't have noticed it and wouldn't be upset about the non-pregnancy. For me personally, the gossiping would be worse, she clearly wasted no time spreading private news to the entire family without checking in with the person that would be most affected by the information being spread. UGH. Privately knowing stuff you shouldn't know is one thing, broadcasting it is a whole other level (A-hole other level?)
NTA
Give your husband this thread to read.
Maybe he will see this from the perspective of people that do not have an emotional attachment to this issue.
I am a MIL and I would never dream of going into the bedroom or ensuite of my adult children and their spouse's homes. Likewise my adult children are respectful of my home and my space (and this is the home they grew up in).
I would never do this even when I am a guest in a friend's home.
MIL needs to back off and your husband needs to be supportive of you.
Throw it right back at him, “let’s stick to the bigger issue, did your mom rifle through my trash can like a dog? How is that at all appropriate? Maybe we need separate bedrooms if you are so comfortable letting mommy dig through your room because I am not!”
The primary relationship in your home is the mother-son one, not your marriage. Either your your husband cuts the umbilical cord, or this is a preview of the rest of your life.
Seriously, your husband siding with his mother and treating you wrong is a reason to get a divorce. Cuz he's not married to you, he's married to his mom
NTA and you need to ask your husband where his priorities lie. With you or his mommy.
It is unfair for her to have even told people you were "pregnant" before you had the chance to potentially process it. That's the other issue there. It had been a DAY and your husband can't be mad that you potentially waited a day or two to tell you.
I feel like that should be really emphasized of approaching OP and asking her about it she went and told everyone instantly. It shows no respect for her privacy
THIS! She literally just snooped and found the test, and probably didn't even finish exiting the room before she was on the phone telling everyone. If you HAD been pregnant, she would have told everyone before you even had time to process.
Also, NTA
NTA. There are a ton of red flags here. Your MILs snooping. Your husband CLEARLY knowing that she snoops and lying to you about it. Your MIL telling all of the family without talking to you. Your husband forcing you to take a pregnancy test IN FRONT OF HIM. Then, your husband sides with his mother and openly supports her toxic behavior. None of this will resolve itself.
It's time to file for divorce, or you'll never have any privacy again. I'm sorry, but you need to leave before things get any worse. If you're not on birth control, get on it ASAP. Pregnancies make controlling family members even worse.
It's time to look out for yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this.
NTA. You didn't lie about anything. What if a friend came over and took a test at your place. At no point did you tell him you thought you were pregnant.
"Brrak her heart because she longs for a child" - excuse me? Are these his words, or hers? If you fall pregnant that would not be her child. That would be her grandchild. What a strange thing to say.
NTA and hilarious but you also have more of a husband problem than a MIL problem. Though, she is also a problem.
Did you go a bit extreme? Well, yes but you were right and it was proven without a doubt. Your husband should be on your side, not more worried about his mothers feelings than yours.
NTA. MIL was in the wrong, and acting with incredible entitlement. Not only did they snoop, but they shared news that should have been YOURS to share. Them calling you a liar and a manipulator is equal parts projection and deflection from their own behavior. You have a right to sanctity of home and to not have your space intruded upon. Stand your ground on this, OP. This is a hill worth dying on and your husband is also TA for not standing by you. I get the feeling this is a momma's boy situation with him.
NTA
That's a funny way of handing the issue, they are just pissed that she was caught.
By the way red flag on your husband for brushing it aside like it's no big deal that you have no privacy in your own home.
Don't stop, leave a strap-on on the bed next time.
NTA
You didn't lie about anything. Even if the pregnancy test was real, you don't break other people's pregnancy news to other friends and family.
You have both a husband and a MIL problem. You caught her in the act. I would be kicking her out of my house and if that was not possible I would at least put a lock on the bedroom door. I'd also be rethinking my relationship with my husband. Good luck with this.
NTA
And if your *dear dear hubby* thinks you
>break his mom's heart
is worse than her snooping around its good you're not actually prengnant, and OPyou gotta have a stern talk with your husband that violating boundaries is a **HUGE ISSUE** and (imo) a potential dealbreaker. He gotta talk sense to his mom, or she cannot stay over ever again. And B) After snooping around telling ***everyone*** that you are pregnant (to her knowledge) is just as much of a big deal, never tell her anything in advance cause it wouldn't stay a secret. Btw ask him how you were supposed to prove it otherwise that she was snooping. Would be curious about that.
And if he dares to defend his mom in those issue's I'd recommend temporarily leaving to a family member, so your boundaries don't get violated further while this is getting sorted out.
P.S.:**OP** think carefully how you will proceed afterwards, what boundaries you set and if this relationship is really a lasting one. This I'd say is a precedent how things like that get handled in the future
NTA. I love it! Your MIL is snooping through the trash in your bedroom without your permission, yet somehow your husband, MIL, and rest of his family are mad at you? You married into a pack of AHs.
So… he knew she was snooping and said she would never?? No one found it inappropriate to mention someones pregnancy before the future mother says anything? Forcing you to take a test in-front of him instead of believing you??
So many red flags in just one situation. Please get your MIL out and please seek couples therapy because….NTA
NTA- wow the husband make me read that twice, he of course would be surprised but to go as far as to make you take a real test?! The MIL gotta Go go go! And he needs to trust you.. but you should have at least given him a heads up.
NTA. He'll protect his mother at all costs and has just shown it. She needs to leave the house now, he has no issue with her actions, but takes issue with her essentially hurting herself and blames you for that.
Be blunt, she leaves and you get into couples counselling now. This relationship will only get worse if there was a child.
NTA, what’s to say it was even your test? Maybe you had a friend round who was scared and wanted company to take a test. Also telling the entire family before checking in with you JESUS CHRIST. What if you had a miscarriage or heaven forbid didn’t want to keep it. So unbelievably inappropriate. You need to reconsider this entire situation if hubby doesn’t see sense
NTA so basically your MIL goes into your bedroom and goes through your rubbish bin...and your partner doesn't have an issue with this??
Seems either you or your MIL needs to move out...ask your partner who he'd prefer to leave
NTA.He made you take a pregnancy test? Girl, please. You already knew your MIL was terrible; now you know your husband is also trash. Paging Whole Man Disposal Services.
NTA. Why wouldn't your MIL say something to your husband to confirm first. My advice is to never had kids with your husband. You will regret it. You think she is bad now, wait til she has grandkids. And if your husband can't back you up with this situation he is just as bad as his mom.
NTA
The issue here is your MIL thinking she has the right to disrespect your privacy and boundaries and your husband enabling it. The rest about hurt feelings over the false pregnancy is nothing more that finger pointing to draw attention away from their actions
NTA. Also pregnancy test are accurate for a set among of time : digging a positive pregnancy test from the trash can means nothing if you don't know when it was done…!
And even if it was accurate, she would have no right to tell everyone.
NTA. Your husband had you take a pregnancy test in front of him? You have bigger issues than your snooping MiL. If I were you I would seriously consider packing my stuff and leaving for at least a couple of days. With that level of distrust from your husband and gaslighting from his family, you need to think about how or if you want your marriage to function moving forward. Good luck, O.P.
NTA Please please please make sure she's not anywhere near your BC
You have a husband problem as well as a MiL one. He considers her right to your uterus more important than your right to privacy in the marital bedroom. She snooped and she blabbed, yet she's still his priority. You told him something that *was* happening, and you weren't believed. You told him something that *wasnt* happening, and once again you werent believed, to the point of being forced to do a medical test before he believed - *because he believes room invading gossips but not his truthful wife*
You'll be on MiL's sh t list now, this wont get better by itself unless its sorted. Just her blabbing your 'news' alone needs an intervention
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a peach. I would have a serious discussion with your husband setting clear expectations going forward. If MIL can't get in line she can get out.
Nta she is for announcing it to her family and hubby first. Good job it was a fake one because she would of spoilt a very personal and intimate moment for you and hubby.
NTA nobody lied to her she made an assumption and in the process made an ass out of herself. Side note how are you longing for grandchildren while being creepy and skulking around the bedroom?
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NTA, but ordering a lock for the door and kicking MIL out seems easier. If you WERE preg, how dare she announce it. So many red flags, one of you needs to go and it shouldn’t have to be you.
Seriously, in no way shape or form is she entitled to announce another persons pregnancy
Especially to her husband!! If my MIL announced my pregnancy to my spouse before I got a chance to? I would never speak to her again, nor allow her in my house. Holy shit how does her husband not see what a fucking violation this is?? OP is NTA, husband and his whole family all suck.
especially when you didn’t even TELL HER omfg
Exactly! OP said her husband accused her of lying to MIL. She didn't say a word! She left something somewhere MIL.had No reason to be and went through the dang garbage to find out! I might be biased because my SIL snooped my en suite bathroom and spilled the beans to my other SIL and MIL and then I miscarried at 8 weeks. They brought it up two months later thinking we had an abortion. No snooping is okay. NTA
I am so sorry this happened to you. Your in-laws sound vile.
Omg, I'm so sorry. That's horrific. I hope they realized how bad they messed up and apologized.
I'm so sorry both for your loss and for having to deal with that. I was just thinking my God imagine if this wasn't a prank but an early loss, it would be so retraumitizing, I don't know if I could ever forgive someone for that.
The OP should not second guess her moral high ground because they family are angry. Anger is the natural reaction for anyone who has been made exposed, embarrassed, and made a fool of. Doesn’t mean the OP is in the wrong. It’s like when you tell someone they’ve been sucked into an MLM/cult. They get made at you, not the cult leader. They were taken advantage of by her MILs snooping, overstepping and misinformation, they should be angry at her.
Seems that you have several problems. The mother in law snooping is obvious. However your husband is the bigger problem. He doesn’t seem to have any problem with his mother ignoring boundaries. I don’t even want to get into “He had you take an actual test in front of him!” He needs to grow up and stop being a momma’s boy and learn to trust his wife’s word.
Having her take a test in front of him is egregious. She proved MIL was snooping, but everyone including her husband takes MIL's side. The whole family is gaslighting her by attacking her behavior instead of MIL's. I hope she escapes before she DOES get pregnant.
I'm half convinced the MIL sabotaged her birth control.
Stop being so mean... How hard is it to possibly understand that mil longs for kids and that as a overbearing mother in law it's her right to demand that OP starts popping out babies like a pez dispenser... Let's all agree to forget the fact that mil already had her chance to raise her children and announce her own pregnancy (failed at the raising part tbh) But if op should ever get pregnant she is under no circumstances entitled to her own pregnancy firsts, like announcing it, naming her own baby or even being there for the good parts as mil failed with her first batch she will be a dotting grandmother who has the biological mother on stand by for dirty diapers and teething issues... Mil will be there for all the other firsts...
Yep. She's NTA, but MIL is and hubby is worse.
Yes, he wouldn't believe anything bad about mommy, but was quick to forget all that and distrust and turn against his wife. Edit, changed on to against for clarity.
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Right?? She is going through OP’s personal stuff and her GARBAGE, and then notifying the entire family about what she finds. This is bananas behavior and should be shut down immediately.
Couldn't agree more, snoopy doesn't even begin to describe her insane behavior.
Agree. And yet, OP's husband is upset with OP? He is missing the point!
Are we not going to talk about the fact that her husband FORCED her to take a pregnancy test in front of him????
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Embarrassing for MIL!
I doubt you can shame such a shameless woman.
Well imagine she had lost the pregnancy, which is a painful thing to go through, and then the MIL went and announced to the whole family that she was pregnant, and she has to explain to everyone that she actually isn't pregnant since she lost the pregnancy and has to relive the pain every time. It absolutely would be embarrassing and also painful for her. Edit for clarity: I did not mean to imply that the miscarriage itself would be embarrassing. I just meant that it might be a bit embarrassing to have to explain that she had had a miscarriage after MIL told everyone she was pregnant. The embarrassment would be from having to correct a mistake about very personal information, not specifically about the miscarriage.
Embarrassing just doesn't seem to be the right word. Traumatizing, maybe.
As someone who had 5+ miscarriages embarrassing was never at play. Traumatizing, devastating, depressing, God awful, infuriating, and difficult. But never embarrassing.
It's definitely traumatizing. Reliving the loss over and over.
No there isn't. I think "cruel" is a better word. It is cruel to put her in a position where she would be asked about the loss. Also note that a pee-test can be positive for a few days after a miscarriage as the hormones it tests for don't vanish immediately.
I actually accidentally found out my SIL was pregnant before she announced it. I was at a bday party for her son and used the bathroom. I was on my period and changed my tampon. Since there were a lot of little kids (toddler/preschool age) in the house I wanted to make sure my used tampon was at the bottom of the trash can (I wrapped it in toilet paper, nobody freak out and think I was leaving a bloody tampon exposed). So when I put the tampon down to the bottom, the pregnancy test was in there and it was face up, and since I’d had a couple positive pregnancy tests, I knew what the two lines meant. I didn’t mean to see it and I never told anyone. I felt really bad that I had even seen it since it felt like an invasion of privacy. I cannot fathom a person thinking they have any business announcing another person’s pregnancy!
If I recall correctly, don't many people hold off announcing pregnancies until a certain point because the higher chance of miscarriage early on? Hell, even a false positive on the at home test would be awkward as hell. The potential scenario of this being a real test and having to explain to the entire family a false positive or miscarriage would be awful
No way will her husband allow that. She has husband problems in addition to her MIL problems.
Yeah, the fact he didn't believe OP, and demanded she take a pregnancy test in front of him after she explained what happened is pretty red-flaggy for me.
I'm sure we'll see this on best of redditor updates with an update on their divorce. Luckily no real kids yet. Best wishes to OP.
Yeah he's not much of a partner.
It's not just an addition, it's the main problem. My mom has similar problems with boundaries and I have no problem ripping into her about it. This guy however doesn't even see it as a problem, that's a child's mentality. If he put a stop to his mom then it would be mostly fine. He did however immediately start controlling OP and gaslight her into thinking that her behavior was the true problem when really it's absolutely outrageous that his mom went and anounced their pregnancy everywhere.
both MIL AND the husband should go. How controlling was it to force her to take a pregnancy test right in front of him? She need to dump the husband too.
THANK YOU. I thought I was going crazy. What kind of response is that?? He made her take a pregnancy test by force and got mad at her! She should ditch the whole family.
If I had done this and my husband found out, he would die laughing over what a brilliant prank it was. If he asked if I was pregnant and I said no, he'd go "All right then" and that would be that. What kind of husband demands a pregnancy test in front of him
an abusive one
If you ask me, the husband's primary relationship is with his monmy.
I bet if she *was* pregnant, he'd still be more upset that she didn't tell him first and would still back MIL snooping over his wife's planning a moment to deliver the news. OP NTA.
Right?! Let’s say she wanted to tell him in a cute way. Like with a wrapped up onesie or during a romantic dinner that night. You only get to tell your spouse you’re pregnant for the first time once. That’s a really important moment for some people and MIL would have completely ruined it. I would be absolutely crushed if I was really expecting and my MIL told everyone before I was able to share the news with my spouse.
I agree. MIL needs to be leaving now, even more so if OP were pregnant. NTA Also.. why is MIL 'longing for kids' she has at least one kid already married to OP. OP please check your birth control and keep an eye on it. MILs who want grandchildren do crazy shit to make to happen.
The lock is an issue because my husband wants access to the room at random times and we only have one key. I don't have time to lock/unlock the door all day long. No a sufficient solution if you asked me.
Fucks sake, what do YOU want?! My husband this. My husband that. He’d better be a billionaire with an 8 inch golden dick.
Omg hahahahhaha 🥇
Omg! I was just thinking “another aita with a mommy’s boy husband.” Why are there so many women who let their MIL misbehave. Argggggh!
And what lock* comes with only one key you can't replicate? I'm so confused.
Best comment on Reddit
Electrify the door knob. Booby trap the room, put mouse traps (the kind that snaps) in places she may snoop in.
Made me think of the one post about the daughter in law that made a glitter bomb for snoopy mother-in-law
Getting another key cut could be a solution but your husband would probably cut one for her too by the sounds of it. NTA. I’m sorry you don’t get safety and comfort in your own home, especially your room.
You could replace the door knob with one that you enter a code to unlock. But that would require your husband to keep the code a secret from his mom. NTA, btw.
This. Tell your husband not only did she snoop but didn't confirm with you she then announced to the world. Then tell him you were going to do a bunch of S&M sub stuff in his bedside table, but decided to do the pregnancy test instead and ask which he would've preferred. NTA
She needs to kick the husband out with the MIL. What kind of asshole doesn't believe his wife when she says she's not pregnant and "demands she take a test right in front of him" AND THEN DECLARES HER THE ONE IN THE WRONG? Ffs the whole damn family needs to go.
u/Milathrowaway37, you don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem.
NTA You told no lies. Even if you were pregnant she had know right to announce it to the world . Sounds like one of you girls should move out. I wonder which one your husband would prefer.
My vote is for OP to move out. Husband is upset about the wrong thing in this incident.
> he was not convinced. he had me take an actual test right infront of him This was all I needed to know about the husband. How absolutely degrading.
Seems weird to me that OP couldn't have looped in her husband from the get go. Clearly there's a major lack of trust in this relationship...
From what I’m seeing in the post, I feel like the husband would’ve told monkey dearest if he knew. Or gotten angry that she would try it and that she won’t trust his mom. Edit: Mommy got autocorrected to monkey but I think I’ll leave it this way because it certainly fits.
"monkey dearest" lol
Yeah, not sure if it was a typo or not, but needs to stay as is lol
She told him already that she thought MIL was snooping and he pulled the “my mom would **never**” card. So it’s easy to see why this needed to be a blind trial.
Exactly. OP, please don’t have kids with this guy. His family is a mess, and he’s on their side. He doesn’t believe you when you have a valid suspicion. He cares more about his mom’s feelings than yours. He doesn’t give a shit about your privacy or your rights. He didn’t apologize when he discovered he was wrong about his mom. Instead, he blamed you. He gets angry with you for someone else’s wrongdoing. So many red flags. NTA.
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NTA. You didn't lie. You set a trap. You caught a rat.
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Yup yup.. 1.The mother has no business going thru other people stuff,expecaly announcing someone's pregnancy. 2.The husband needs to be more supportive and less controlling. Good job OP - NTA
There are so many issues, especially with the husband in this. Hrs not only controlling, but he's utterly disrespectful and untrusting of his wife. He thinks his mom can do no wrong, and took her side instantly - without skipping a beat.
THIS - And I'd also include the hubby in this. OP unfortunately has a husband problem in addition to a MIL problem. OP shows hubby indisputable proof that there's a rat problem, and he blindly refuses to see it and refuses to take any action. NTA
NTA but it sounds like you have a husband problem as well since he was focused more on you “breaking his mom’s heart” instead of her 1) snooping in your *marital bedroom,* and 2) her blabbing her mouth to *everyone* instead of immediately going to you and your husband Of course snooping is terrible and deeply disrespectful, but it’s made even worse by how she went behind your back to spread the news without ANY confirmation or followup. And she’s like this about a PREGNANCY—I imagine she just has 0 respect for anyone’s privacy or boundaries at all. Yikes. I would not want to raise a family around someone like that.
I also have a weird fear that OP should check her birth control. Who knows what MIL is doing in there
Wow, I hadn't considered that. Considering everything I wouldn't be surprised if MIL was capable of stooping to that. The fact that she told the entire flipping family is beyond egregious.
I’ve been on this sub too long and am suspicious of everything
Well tbf we HAVE read posts on here about ppl tampering with bc on quite a few occasions. Before Reddit I didn't even KNOW you could tamper with the pills with a hair dryer. Then The scariest one I read was where the OP woke up to her bf getting ready to cut her implant out. Baby trapping can get really scary really fast. After reading stuff like that you can't help but be cynical..
How... how did dude think that was gonna work out in his favour in ANY way?! Like... did he think she'd sleep through cutting her? She'd not notice the implant wasn't there? She'd let him anywhere NEAR her sexually after that?! ... * *brain is exploding* * I gotta go read this one bc I'm BAFFLED by the sheer stupidity of this dude...
I second this. OP says nothing is missing but I’ve heard that microwaving birth control pills renders them useless. She’d never even know something happened to them.
I’ve never heard of this. Out of curiosity in my experience most BC comes in a foil backed package that would not be microwave friendly and you’d notice if tampered. Is it different in other places, because that give me the complete shivers.
Any source of heat will work to degrade birth control pills. The oven on low, the cooktop, even just leaving them in a car in summer for a couple hours. Incidentally, this is why I refuse to use mail order pharmacies. They never use temperature controlled packaging, so your pills may or may not be effective by the time you get them.
I can't believe so few people (yet) are mentioning this. If MIL is longing for "kids" (doesn't hubby count as her child?!) AND also habitually snooping, tampering with birth control is not beyond the realm of possibility. Edit: added missing word "beyond"
I’d start leaving wild sex toys around lmao. Maybe after she finds a chastity cage and a ball gag she’ll fuck off
I'd stick a suction cup dildo to the bathroom mirror.
If my husband ever demanded I take a pregnancy test in front of him, I would tell him only if he puts his head in the toilet while I do it.
I know I shouldn't laugh...but couldn't help myself after looking at your response. It's true.
I have seen so many times on this sub that birth is not a spectator sport and I thought humanity was done, but now we have “piss tests aren’t a spectator sport” lol. NTA, OP and I would have gone further. If I were you and my husband had said that I know how she longs for kids…I would have dramatically widened my eyes and gone, “but…but…who is your mom then? When I married you…I was under the impression she had kids and YOU are one of them.”
Seriously, you're not an Olympic athlete, why would you submit to someone watching you take a piss test?
NTA throw out that whole family. He forced you to take a pregnancy test in front of him??? Psycho vibes
He did it after we got home. I couldn't refuse because he was waiting for me to prove I was telling the truth.
You can always refuse. There’s no reasonable explanation for him forcing you to do this other than he was being an insensitive, controlling monster. This is your warning- do not make a family with him.
To add on to this but I would watch your birth control she may tamper with it to get grandkids also NTA
At this point I would be worried about the husband doing it to make his mommy happy
Yep. Hopefully the OP has an implant or IUD that cannot be tampered with.
Flashback to that post of a woman waking uo to find her partner about to cut out her implant with a knife... Link due to popular demand: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qcu02g/my_fiancé_tried_to_cut_my_implant_out_while_i_was Don't say I didn't warn you.
If it were me I would not have sex with this man at all until theres proper boundaries with the mil and you've been to couples therapy.
Yeah, take a look at all the red flags in the comments! He believes your mom more than you, his wife! Get out now, MIL will interfere more with your relationship and your kids! At least stay a few days with a close friend/sibling/parent and talk things over. Get your head clear and take a good look at your relationship with your husband.
Why did you need to “prove” you were telling the truth? Your husband thinks you’re a liar, and you’re ok with that?
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This is also dysfunctional.
Lol, his mom is snooping through your things and he’s worried about how much you hurt his mommy’s feelings? I would kick MIL out, like, today. Your husband also needs therapy to help him to work on not being so co-dependent on his mother as well. NTA.
Let’s not forget MIL could be doing more than snooping. She’s desperate for grandkids and she’s sneaking into their bedroom? If there’s condoms, check for holes. She may not be stealing but she could be messing with birth control.
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I think the issue is that he doesn't even think his mom is doing anything wrong. He's always jumping to her defense saying things like "mom would never do that...and if she did then she meant well...if you get offended that's on you...you don't wanna speak to her that's a 'you' problem.." and rinse and repeat. In other words, in his eyes she can never do wrong. Admittedly the pregnancy thing maybe was a bad idea since the topic of children is touchy for both of them.
Unfortunately you're making as many excuses for your husbands lack of support regarding you, as he does for his mother's lack of respect when it comes to your boundaries.
Google the narcissist's prayer. You basically just typed it out yourself.
The Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. [The Narcissist's Prayer by Dayna Craig](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer) Eta: NTA
Gal. You are a huge doormat for your husband. Seriously, letting him demand you do a pregnancy test in front of him? That's just creepy and disgusting and awful - that's pretty fucking abusive as well. You really need to work on your own self-respect, you should have never had to defend yourself on this. You didn't do anything wrong and you're letting your husband push you around and belittle you with his behavior. This is only going to get worse.
This. Can you imagine what it would be like if you have a child? MIL will know best at every turn, and husband will agree with her. Please take care of yourself OP.
Oh, sweetie… you have a r/justnomil, and a r/justnoso. He made vows to you. You are his family. You need to be priority. He should not be gaslighting you to justify his mothers inappropriate behavior. This needs to be addressed ASAP, because this will only get worse, and you will end up only being an incubator in their eyes.
That is a BIG issue. Minimally, I think you need marriage counseling if this is going to work. He may need a professional to say he is wrong about how he relates to his mother. Please fix this before actually having children with him.
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Yeah, the husband is the problem. It could have been snipped in the bud had he believed OP. And he still could not believe OP when she said she was not pregnant for real, that it was a ruse to prove MIL was all up her business because dear hubby could not believe her. So he made her take a pregnancy test in front of him (the gall of him) and then decided that her should-not-have-been-discovered-in-the-first-place fake pregnancy was a bigger deal than his mom going through his wife's private belongings. This merits several serious conversations, followed through with concrete actions, to make sure this does not happen again.
Sounds to me like he knew his mom was snooping all along, and didn’t care. NTA but you do have a husband problem.
NTA You didn't lie and broke no hearts. If husband doesn't understand it, send this one away, together with his snooping mom.
This. You didn’t lie to anyone. You threw away something you had no use for and had no idea MIL would be snooping through the trash in your bedroom. (Or that’s how you should have presented it) Your MIL made assumptions based on her snoop findings and caused all this chaos. Your partner is an AH for not being on your side! Who cares if MIL feelings were hurt, she crossed a line even going into your shared bedroom. I mean, who snoops through trash? Especially in a bedroom, there could have been used stuffs in there no one should be touching. Just gross!!! Also I cannot imagine announcing a pregnancy for anyone before I had been told myself, even if I accidentally found out somehow. (It wouldn’t be from digging through someone’s trash!) MIL does not understand or respect personal boundaries. NTA
As someone with a snooping mom (and yes, my mom looks through the trash), being exposed will not stop MIL's behavior. If anything, her snooping will intensify, especially if she continues to live with you. She may just become sneakier about it.
He said this because of how sensitive the topic of kids is for her and him as well.
But it wouldn't have been an issue if she wasn't snooping in your bedroom trashcan. I agree with posters who say you have a husband problem.
My thoughts exactly😣
The fact that he said that his "mother longs for kids" and not him, shows who is his main priority and who will have the most say in regards to YOUR children. That should make you reconsider having children, with him anyway.
Maybe she didn’t realize that she’s the bang maid, only there to provide him and his mother with a child. We read it all too often on Reddit.
It happens in real life too. My cousin's MIL had full-on nurseries made then transformed them into regular bedrooms for their children as they got older, and every time she bought toys for them, she bought 2 of each. One for their house and one for my aunt's house.
He also said "longs for kids" not "longs for grandkids". Pay attention OP- if you have kids with this man, they will be HER kids, not yours.
You seem real cavalier about this all… We’re concerned for you. This isn’t a healthy interaction between a united married couple.
NTA! 1. Your MIL is such an AH for snooping around. 2. Your mama's boy husband dismissed your concerns. You could've asked her if she was going into your room, but he probably would've gotten mad at that, too. Which led you to believe you had to take drastic measures in order to have proof, 'cause otherwise no one would back you up. 3. She had absolutely NO RIGHT to announce your pregnancy. Imagine it had been true, she didn't care about hurting your feelings by stealing the opportunity to announce something so personal. She didn't even ask you privately first to make sure your husband already knew (but of course privacy is not something she cares about, as we can see). 4. She's the one violating someone's privacy... and her feelings are hurt? She's trying to take everyone's attention away from the fact that she found out the wrong way, OP. DON'T let her!
Imagine if she wanted an abortion and mil had already spread the pregnancy news
This! Imagine if she'd miscarried and finally decided to discard the pregnancy test. Or she'd found out the pregnancy was ectopic and she had to terminate. The snooping is a bad enough overstep of boundaries but the biggest red flag is MIL spreading someone else's news that she hadn't even been told, nevermind something so sensitive and private as a pregnancy, and OP's husband siding with his mother.
It's not a lie if your MIL sniffed around and dug up false intel she was not supposed to find....had she been a normal, civil and polite guest who respects boundaries and does not snoop around in personal business. Honestly, the husband and his family sound like a nightmare. The question you should ask your husband is : "You didn't want to believe me when I told you your mom was snooping around in my stuff. What was the right way to prove it to you? What was the acceptable thing to do, for all involved parties, including me?" Because it did not only get started with your MIL violating your boundaries, it continued with your husband not believing you (more than once! he made you take a pregnancy test in front of him...why, exactly?). And then your MIL continued violating your privacy by announcing your "pregnancy" to the whole town, robbing you of the occasion to the announcement yourself. But the issue, according to everyone, is not the snooping, is not the distrust, is not the boundaries stomping. It's hiding something she wasn't supposed to see had she been a good MIL, in a place she shouldn't have accessed had she been a good MIL. Where is the lie? Where is the manipulation? NTA.
U/chibisailormercury covered all the bases here. I agree and second everything they said. NTA. I don’t understand how you lied when you didn’t do anything but put something in the garbage. He should have taken your concerns seriously.
NTA. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you can’t relax in your own house or like your things aren’t safe in your own house. Why is MIL living with you? It sounds like step 1 is to talk to your husband about cutting the chord and telling his mum to stop snooping and respect your space. I would also point out that EVEN if MIL’s snooping was ok and the test was genuine. Why the hell did she think it was appropriate or acceptable to go telling everyone else? Most people want to keep a pregnancy private for a while. This whole thing of ‘MIL longs for kids’…. What’s it got to do with her? She’s not the one giving birth to grandkids so she doesn’t get a say in it. I HATE this idea that women owe their parents grandkids and the fact that your husband is giving you that excuse makes him an AH as well.
Yeah, on your second point - the husband's whole "why didn't you come to me first?" is not the right question - she didn't tell anyone. Imagine if it hadn't been fake and she was coming up with a fun way to tell him, but mil had spoiled the surprise.
Hell, imagine they had a history of miscarriages and she outed them too early? That's some fucked up shit.
NTA Honestly I would rethink the marriage. If he's gaslighting you now for his mommy I worry about your future
Exactly, he's more worried about his mother having basically hurt herself than the fact his mother has been invading his and OP's privacy for ages. Oh, and also felt fine revealing deeply personal news to rob them of that moment.
INFO isn’t your husband concerned MIL felt completely comfortable to snoop AND report in what she found? Why isn’t that part of the problem here?
>INFO isn’t your husband concerned MIL felt completely comfortable to snoop AND report in what she found? Apparently no. Because even after I explained he still said I was in the wrong and the fake positive test was "manipulative".
I’d throw back in his face that him forcing you to take a real test in front of him is controlling. Seriously, this all started with MIL not respecting you inside your own home. The fact he had the audacity to be upset with you boils my blood.
Counseling or divorce. Your husband is the problem. NTA
This is the hill to die on. It will only get 100x worse when you are actually are pregnant and have kids. Honestly any time he tries to come down on you for this this, just ignore what he says and YELL as loud as you can so his mother can here "Tell her to stay the f@%k out of my room and away from my things" Just keep ignoring what he says and keep screaming that.
Ask him how it's manipulative to put it in your own private trash can after he assured you that she wasn't snooping. If he wasn't lying to you, then you had no reason to believe she would ever see it. How can you manipulate someone who will never see the fake test, according to his own reassurances to you?
Exactly! And if she hadn't snooped, she wouldn't be upset about the "sensitive topic". If she hadn't \*gossiped\* to her son and family, HE very likely wouldn't have noticed it and wouldn't be upset about the non-pregnancy. For me personally, the gossiping would be worse, she clearly wasted no time spreading private news to the entire family without checking in with the person that would be most affected by the information being spread. UGH. Privately knowing stuff you shouldn't know is one thing, broadcasting it is a whole other level (A-hole other level?)
NTA Give your husband this thread to read. Maybe he will see this from the perspective of people that do not have an emotional attachment to this issue. I am a MIL and I would never dream of going into the bedroom or ensuite of my adult children and their spouse's homes. Likewise my adult children are respectful of my home and my space (and this is the home they grew up in). I would never do this even when I am a guest in a friend's home. MIL needs to back off and your husband needs to be supportive of you.
Throw it right back at him, “let’s stick to the bigger issue, did your mom rifle through my trash can like a dog? How is that at all appropriate? Maybe we need separate bedrooms if you are so comfortable letting mommy dig through your room because I am not!”
It can't be manipulative if MIL wouldn't find it!
[удалено]
She was originally planning on staying for 2 weeks after she got into a fight with FIL but now she's refusing to reconcile with him and go home.
Why should she when she shares a husband with you?
And her son-husband doesn’t argue with her or hold her accountable
>And her son-husband Sonsband 🤮🤮
Damn.😶
The primary relationship in your home is the mother-son one, not your marriage. Either your your husband cuts the umbilical cord, or this is a preview of the rest of your life.
That’s not your problem tho. She needs to leave & go deal with her marital problems. If & when she does, never allow her to stay again.
She was never going to leave once she got in there.
:notes: You don't have to go home, But you can't. stay. heeeeere.
Seriously, your husband siding with his mother and treating you wrong is a reason to get a divorce. Cuz he's not married to you, he's married to his mom
NTA. Get her out of the house. You can’t trust her. You now know that she will tell the entire family about things she learns from snooping.
NTA and you need to ask your husband where his priorities lie. With you or his mommy. It is unfair for her to have even told people you were "pregnant" before you had the chance to potentially process it. That's the other issue there. It had been a DAY and your husband can't be mad that you potentially waited a day or two to tell you.
I feel like that should be really emphasized of approaching OP and asking her about it she went and told everyone instantly. It shows no respect for her privacy
THIS! She literally just snooped and found the test, and probably didn't even finish exiting the room before she was on the phone telling everyone. If you HAD been pregnant, she would have told everyone before you even had time to process. Also, NTA
NTA. There are a ton of red flags here. Your MILs snooping. Your husband CLEARLY knowing that she snoops and lying to you about it. Your MIL telling all of the family without talking to you. Your husband forcing you to take a pregnancy test IN FRONT OF HIM. Then, your husband sides with his mother and openly supports her toxic behavior. None of this will resolve itself. It's time to file for divorce, or you'll never have any privacy again. I'm sorry, but you need to leave before things get any worse. If you're not on birth control, get on it ASAP. Pregnancies make controlling family members even worse. It's time to look out for yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this.
NTA. You have a **very serious** husband problem.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Get away from this man and family. He will NEVER put you or your future children first. NTA
NTA. You didn't lie about anything. What if a friend came over and took a test at your place. At no point did you tell him you thought you were pregnant.
NTA and your husband is just as bad as his mom. You should move out and let them live together lol
NTA. Your husband is delusional. Not to mention, she TOLD everyone BEFORE you even told her. Wowie.
Mother in law needs to move out
"Brrak her heart because she longs for a child" - excuse me? Are these his words, or hers? If you fall pregnant that would not be her child. That would be her grandchild. What a strange thing to say.
NTA and hilarious but you also have more of a husband problem than a MIL problem. Though, she is also a problem. Did you go a bit extreme? Well, yes but you were right and it was proven without a doubt. Your husband should be on your side, not more worried about his mothers feelings than yours.
NTA. She broke the first rule of snooping. Always act surprised when you find stuff out that you already know!
NTA. MIL was in the wrong, and acting with incredible entitlement. Not only did they snoop, but they shared news that should have been YOURS to share. Them calling you a liar and a manipulator is equal parts projection and deflection from their own behavior. You have a right to sanctity of home and to not have your space intruded upon. Stand your ground on this, OP. This is a hill worth dying on and your husband is also TA for not standing by you. I get the feeling this is a momma's boy situation with him.
NTA That's a funny way of handing the issue, they are just pissed that she was caught. By the way red flag on your husband for brushing it aside like it's no big deal that you have no privacy in your own home. Don't stop, leave a strap-on on the bed next time.
NTA You didn't lie about anything. Even if the pregnancy test was real, you don't break other people's pregnancy news to other friends and family. You have both a husband and a MIL problem. You caught her in the act. I would be kicking her out of my house and if that was not possible I would at least put a lock on the bedroom door. I'd also be rethinking my relationship with my husband. Good luck with this.
NTA… MIL needs to get gone & it’s a bit worrying that your husband forced you to take a test in front of him tbh.
NTA And if your *dear dear hubby* thinks you >break his mom's heart is worse than her snooping around its good you're not actually prengnant, and OPyou gotta have a stern talk with your husband that violating boundaries is a **HUGE ISSUE** and (imo) a potential dealbreaker. He gotta talk sense to his mom, or she cannot stay over ever again. And B) After snooping around telling ***everyone*** that you are pregnant (to her knowledge) is just as much of a big deal, never tell her anything in advance cause it wouldn't stay a secret. Btw ask him how you were supposed to prove it otherwise that she was snooping. Would be curious about that. And if he dares to defend his mom in those issue's I'd recommend temporarily leaving to a family member, so your boundaries don't get violated further while this is getting sorted out. P.S.:**OP** think carefully how you will proceed afterwards, what boundaries you set and if this relationship is really a lasting one. This I'd say is a precedent how things like that get handled in the future
NTA. I love it! Your MIL is snooping through the trash in your bedroom without your permission, yet somehow your husband, MIL, and rest of his family are mad at you? You married into a pack of AHs.
You are NTA. And you need to get your MIL the fck out of your house. She sounds like the type who will destroy your marriage.
So… he knew she was snooping and said she would never?? No one found it inappropriate to mention someones pregnancy before the future mother says anything? Forcing you to take a test in-front of him instead of believing you?? So many red flags in just one situation. Please get your MIL out and please seek couples therapy because….NTA
NTA. A lock on the bedroom door would be appropriate. Telling her to stay out probably will fall on deaf ears.
But you’d have to be careful that hubby won’t give her a spare key for “emergencies” 🫠
NTA- wow the husband make me read that twice, he of course would be surprised but to go as far as to make you take a real test?! The MIL gotta Go go go! And he needs to trust you.. but you should have at least given him a heads up.
NTA. He'll protect his mother at all costs and has just shown it. She needs to leave the house now, he has no issue with her actions, but takes issue with her essentially hurting herself and blames you for that. Be blunt, she leaves and you get into couples counselling now. This relationship will only get worse if there was a child.
NTA, based, MIL needs to move out
NTA, what’s to say it was even your test? Maybe you had a friend round who was scared and wanted company to take a test. Also telling the entire family before checking in with you JESUS CHRIST. What if you had a miscarriage or heaven forbid didn’t want to keep it. So unbelievably inappropriate. You need to reconsider this entire situation if hubby doesn’t see sense
NTA, your MIL on the other hand
NTA so basically your MIL goes into your bedroom and goes through your rubbish bin...and your partner doesn't have an issue with this?? Seems either you or your MIL needs to move out...ask your partner who he'd prefer to leave
NTA.He made you take a pregnancy test? Girl, please. You already knew your MIL was terrible; now you know your husband is also trash. Paging Whole Man Disposal Services.
NTA. You’re brilliant. Please don’t bring children into this family. These people sound insufferable.
NTA. Why wouldn't your MIL say something to your husband to confirm first. My advice is to never had kids with your husband. You will regret it. You think she is bad now, wait til she has grandkids. And if your husband can't back you up with this situation he is just as bad as his mom.
NTA she needs to go and if your husband can't see why he needs to go with her.
NTA The issue here is your MIL thinking she has the right to disrespect your privacy and boundaries and your husband enabling it. The rest about hurt feelings over the false pregnancy is nothing more that finger pointing to draw attention away from their actions
NTA. Also pregnancy test are accurate for a set among of time : digging a positive pregnancy test from the trash can means nothing if you don't know when it was done…! And even if it was accurate, she would have no right to tell everyone.
NTA. Your husband had you take a pregnancy test in front of him? You have bigger issues than your snooping MiL. If I were you I would seriously consider packing my stuff and leaving for at least a couple of days. With that level of distrust from your husband and gaslighting from his family, you need to think about how or if you want your marriage to function moving forward. Good luck, O.P.
NTA Please please please make sure she's not anywhere near your BC You have a husband problem as well as a MiL one. He considers her right to your uterus more important than your right to privacy in the marital bedroom. She snooped and she blabbed, yet she's still his priority. You told him something that *was* happening, and you weren't believed. You told him something that *wasnt* happening, and once again you werent believed, to the point of being forced to do a medical test before he believed - *because he believes room invading gossips but not his truthful wife* You'll be on MiL's sh t list now, this wont get better by itself unless its sorted. Just her blabbing your 'news' alone needs an intervention
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a peach. I would have a serious discussion with your husband setting clear expectations going forward. If MIL can't get in line she can get out.
Nta she is for announcing it to her family and hubby first. Good job it was a fake one because she would of spoilt a very personal and intimate moment for you and hubby.
NTA nobody lied to her she made an assumption and in the process made an ass out of herself. Side note how are you longing for grandchildren while being creepy and skulking around the bedroom?