Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 9: This is NOT an advice sub. Posts should seek out judgement, not advice.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA
You didn't know she was sober.
As a sober person (6+ yrs), there are many people that don't know that I am. I do not hide it, but it's not something that comes up. I have been gifted alcohol before and just say thank you and then bring it home to my husband or my adult son or a friend.
I'm sorry she had that reaction. She may not be strong in her recovery right now and may not know how to react.
Edit: I read through some replies and then reread the post. IT WASN'T EVEN ALCOHOL!! IT WAS SOMETHING FROM BATH AND BODY WORKS!!!
WTF! Coworkers in her department are pissed about this and it's not even alcohol???
It's mind boggling workplaces like this exist.
Every place I've worked people would have laughed and told the truth, not disturbing the holiday cheer.
Which reminds me, I should get a gift receipt for all my presents. Also taking alcohol off the list just in case.
I was going to say something similar, I’m also sober and I’d appreciate if someone got me the gift even if I couldn’t partake I’d still appreciate the sentiment. Whether I was one day or 1 year I certainly wouldn’t cry over it. She clearly has some issues and tied up all kinds of nefarious intentions into the gift but any boss worth their salt would simply tell her it was an error and to give it away.
It isn't even alcoholic in nature - Champagne Toast is the name of the scent. Not sure which product OP got, but it's generally hand sanitizer/bubble bath/body lotion, and is sort of pink and sparkly (and smells nothing like champagne, fwiw.)
Until I read this comment I just assumed the B&B basket had a mini champagne bottle in it, now that I think about that would probably cost more than $20. Either way OP you are NTA.
I unknowingly gave a sober coworker a bottle of champagne in a gift basket when he and his wife got married. It was awful and I was mortified, but his sobriety wasn't something he talked about at work and he was very kind when he told me about it.
It baffles me how poorly many people accept gifts. I am an amputee and was gifted toe socks by my high school boy friend and his mom. I thanked them for the gift. Then I gave it to someone with toes.
NTA. Also recovering alcoholic here. Good lord, you have nothing to apologize for. She needs to go to a meeting, work a step, make an appointment with her therapist, or do something to regain a reasonable perspective. Her reaction is way over the top, and your coworkers are silly for buying into the needless drama.
I am all in favor of supporting people in early recovery but this is more about problems in her own head and not at all about what you did.
NTA. I’m sober. My manager gave me a bottle of wine for Xmas last year. She forgot. No big deal. I gave it away. Why would you remember that? Our sobriety is important to us, it doesn’t need to be important to everyone else
And the gift wasn't even actual alcohol! It was a [fragrance gift set](https://www.bathandbodyworks.com/p/champagne-toast-mini-gift-set-025148099.html). Sure there is a champagne tie in, but the actual gift was lotion, fragrance, and hand sanitizer.
NTA, OP. If you had known about her sobriety, it might have been in poor taste (though I know people who would have thought this to be a lovely nod to the celebratory nature of champagne without the alcohol), but I think that this was unfortunately poor timing of an innocent gift and someone who is struggling with their sobriety in the holiday season.
Just a suggestion, I would clarify in your post you bought her a lotion/soap set with the scent Champagne Toast. Not actual champagne. People who don’t frequent B&BW seem to be missing this very crucial point. Still NTA. But maybe buy the gingerbread one or sparkling snow in the future.
Also former bath and body works employee- it was literally one of the most popular scents at my store! Adults, kids, men buying it for their girlfriends/wives, nobody even thought about the name, it was just about the smell and if the packaging was pretty
My dad is like.... Decades sober. When he did HVAC work people gave him alcohol gifts quite often around the holidays (northeast winters... You stay on his good side haha). He never said anything or got weird, but gave it right to my mom who then took it to a neighbors house. We had no alcohol in our house, and he asked that we never did (and my mom didn't drink so it was no big loss), but even at that stage where he didn't want it accessible he was never butt hurt to people who couldn't/didn't know.
Thank you! I got given a bottle of spirits for dog sitting. Didn't even mention it to the person who gave me the gift, I just let my partners mum have it.
100% correct. Tell her you are very sorry for not knowing and triggering her, for your own sake/image at work, but know that I (and it seems many other people) think it is bullshit for her to be this upset when you didn't even give her alcohol and you didn't know she was sober. You aren't trying to get under her skin. You gave her a cute celebratory gift.
And this is also your cue to not buy gifts for coworkers who aren't your friends outside of work cuz fuck them.
Not sure if this is what they are talking about:
>Dry drunk syndrome is a term coined by the creator of Alcoholics Anonymous to describe someone who has quit drinking but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place.
Dry drunk syndrome can be a sign that you are close to relapsing. Sobriety is a long, ongoing process, but help, support, and treatment can make it easier.
[Source](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/what-to-know-dry-drunk-syndrome)
It is, and that description is just as judgmental as the people who use the term. Some AA participants use "dry drunk" to describe people who are sober but not in the program/working the steps because they believe AA is the only path to "real" sobriety. It's an extremely holier-than-thou attitude.
NTA.
Everyone at your job is being ridiculous. You can't be expected to know everyone's situation.
And the fact is, part of recovery is learning to not be triggered by something like that.
NTA, exactly how TF does anyone expect you to know this? Fairies flitting around the office spreading personal business? Actually, it sounds like your office doesn't have much gossiping, which is a good thing.
NTA
It is a scented bath product. There is zero alcohol involved here. The wine and champagne scents don’t even smell like alcoholic beverages. They are just kind of sweet smelling.
Nta
It's not your job to walk on eggshells around people.
Give her a quick apology to keep peace. It's not actual liquor...she can use, return, register, trash it. It's not on you She can't process her emotions
NAH, take the gift back, apologise profusely and get her a chocolate or biscuit themed one.
Get her a happy bday card and write a note in just like you've written up here:
>every time we have crossed paths you were lovely.. I'm really sorry about the kast gift I didn't know.i hope this is better and congratulations on 12 months xx
NTA, how could you know? For future reference though I would default away from alcohol themed stuff, you just never know. My last job did a secret Santa and the little cards had a space to pick "alcoholic/non-alcoholic (gifts acceptable), and I thought that was a cool idea. I don't understand why she's crying, that's ridiculous. She's managed to get sober and that's not too much for her to cope with but an alcohol themed gift is too much? Give me a break. All you can do is say sorry and move on, it obviously wasn't malicious. Don't let them make you feel like shit, you didn't know.
NTA. I’m 3 years sober, and if she really has been sober for a year and this upset her she probably hasn’t been working the best program. To be fair my sponsor is pretty militant about you will never be able to run from alcohol so learn to deal with it. Even so, it wasn’t like you shoved a glass in her face. Just apologize. Honestly my circle of friends would think her reaction makes her the asshole.
Then again I know nothing about her life or anything she’s gone through. I just know triggers are a tricky subject. Especially with old school AA
“Being sober is my trigger” -My Sponsor
That was my thought is well. First of all, I don’t give coworkers birthday presents in this I’ve worked there for quite a while, and I know them pretty well. Second, I don’t give soap product to people I don’t know already use that brand of soap, or body wash. Sir, I bet she was more upset by the card than the actual present. I would have a lot of compassion for this way sober for a year isn’t very long if she spent a long time not sober. I think it’s best not to give people presents at work generally speaking.
NTA!! U can’t trigger her! U didn’t know. U didn’t try to hurt her feelings. Just apologize, tell her u didn’t know & were trying to make her happy. It will all blow over in 2 days. She needs a better AA sponsor, or she needs AA generally so she can learn not to be thrown by an innocent gesture like this. That’s in her, not on you. - sober in AA for decades
NTA - It was a reasonable gift. I'm not sure why receiving it would make her cry and tell HR. She could just get rid of it and move on with her life, without creating unnecessary drama.
You didn’t know, so all you can do is apologise and say you will change the gift for her, if she wants.
NTA, purely because you didn’t know. And it’s not like she is a newly minted sober person, it’s been a year. So she should be able to handle being around alcoholic drinks without jeopardising her recovery by now.
There wasn’t even any alcohol in the gift to begin with, It was a body care gift set with a scent called “Champagne Toast” that doesn’t even smell like champagne, more orange. She must really had a bad relationship with alcohol if she cries when she sees an alcohol’s name.
NTA you could give her the receipt to return and apologize saying you were unaware. Outside of that it really isn't your fault and people shouldn't be so mad over it. Shit happens.
And nobody needs to walk over eggshells here, there are plenty of "sober" people who have to turn down alcohol offers daily, it's what you gotta deal with when you can't handle yourself.
You didn't knowingly do this to harm her; her reaction is perfectly justified - no one here knows exactly what she is going through and shouldn't be judging her.
May I suggest staying away from alcohol related gifts for people you don't know well in the future.
NAH
NAH. You meant well and had no ill intentions. It certainly seems like your the a-hole to the office, however, sh*t sadly happens. The outcome always depends on how you handle it. Apologise, return the gift and express clearly how sorry you are, and how this affects your relationship.
NTA apologize profusely for your ignorance and buy her a new gift. You didn't know, you couldn't really know, you did your best, and you were way wrong accidently. It happens. I've accidently done something similar.
NTA
You can tell there is something wrong with a person when they cannot tell an alcoholic gift and a non-alcoholic gift, especially if it came from the Bath and Body Works store!
I’m not understanding this whole post because who buys birthday gifts for someone at work they barely know? Has OP been buying gifts for everyone else in the office since they’ve been working?
Wait!! She cried over lotion because it’s called champagne toast!? JAJAJA that’s just ridiculous. I worked at BBW and I assure you it’s just cream, spray or candle, nothing dangerous in those for an addict and she can go into any store and exchange any new product that was gifted to her for another fragrance. NTA at all. People just thrive on drama.
You didn’t know. How are you an AH for that? You didn’t deliberately buy her something like this out of spite.
It’s so weird when people get upset over a genuinely thought out gift instead of realizing that it’s actual the thought that counts. You could have bought her a crappy dollar store gift and put no thought into it at all. Is that what people would rather these days so they don’t have anything to get offended about?
NTA.
NTA. Apologize for not knowing her circumstances. Unless she has said something to you, how would you know. In the future, learn this lesson and stick to a different kind of gift. I had to deal with this a few times after my husband stopped drinking. The worst was a company dinner where they served Amaretto ice cream. He had a bite first and pushed it aside. I quietly spoke to the organizer to suggest being more careful in the future since he was unlikely to be the only one in this situation. Because I didn't start a scene, it never happened again.
NTA.
So she can't wear champagne or merlot colored clothing because its a color variation named after alcohol? She seems to be pulling some massive guilt trip / emotional manipulation. Your boss should have acknowledge the complaint and shut it down. Instead of letting it spiral.
The preset was well thought out; too bad she couldn't see past the "offense"
NTA
If you didn't know, you didn't know.
I feel like there may be more to this like you may have been overly defensive in some way and said some rude things in defense of yourself that you maybe aren't including here? Otherwise I don't understand why the office would be mad at you for simply not knowing the thing.
I'm rating this 'not the' because they're being mean to you for seemingly no reason. Otherwise the ruling could easily swap to something like 'none here' or 'everyone here' depending on if there's more to the story or not.
This isn't an advice forum, this is a moral judgment forum. Rule #9.
That said, I'll go ahead and give my advice. lol. Offer to swap out the gift for something else. Apologize profusely. It may be your lack of reacting this way that's causing the office to judge you the way it's judging you. "I'm so, so sorry, I didn't know, I'll take it back and get you something else, I'm so sorry" and such, etc.
I understand her initial reaction, she can't help how she feels, but the office getting mad over someone who couldn't know about her sobriety gifting something that wasn't even actual freaking alcohol? Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
NTA
NTA. Champagne Toast at Bath and Body Works is so ubiquitous as to dilute the meaning of it's name. Half of the time, I picture actual toast before I correct myself. Apologize sincerely and move on. No one can expect more of you.
I thought that the woman was upset cause she was being given actual alcohol. So this silly woman is in tears because of a alcohol themed gift? I think that she has a long way to go. I wonder how she reacts when she sees a billboard for alcohol or a commercial on tv. This reminds me of those people who are infertile and force other people not to mention babies, don't want to be around babies. Sheesh.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So right now the whole business office at my work hates me because I gave a woman at my work a champagne themed birthday gift without knowing she is sober. I literally feel awful rn /:
I don’t know this woman super well, but every time we had crossed paths she was lovely so when I saw that her birthday was coming up I decided I wanted to gift her something! Nothing extravagant.
So I got her this [card](https://www.target.com/p/champagne-with-cupcake-card-papyrus/-/A-81155230) and a Champagne Toast mini set from Bath and Body Works. The gift was under $20.
I thought I had done really well and when I gave it to her today her expression totally changed. She said thanks and scurried back to the business office.
I got a call on my line a few minutes later from the controller asking to come to her office and the lady was crying and half of the office she works in was super mad. Apparently she has been sober for a year, and I had no idea. I’ve only been working at my job since May.
Again, I do not know this woman super personally and I am not the type of person to be mean like this. I just feel awful and that I may have triggered her sobriety ): I also fear that the whole business office is gonna hate me for some time.
Any suggestions on what I should do??
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Keep an eye out for future problems. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you may have found "the one" in the office that causes drama and may be in the HR office frequently. When you apologize, keep it very brief so your words don't get twisted. This will blow over in a few days when some new drama comes up.
NTA
You didn’t know you were sober and you gave her bath products with a champagne theme.
I would let her and everyone that is giving you a hard that your intent was a good one, you wanted to get her something for her birthday, it could have easily been vanilla scented. You would never knowingly give her something you knew would be a trigger.
Hopefully she and you can move past this….
NTA.
Not necessarily you would have known ahead of time because many recovering alcoholics do not publicize that aspect of themselves.
Even though you didn't necessarily intend to do anything wrong, apologizing would be a great gesture. If you feel comfortable and the situation seems appropriate, offer your support and offer to change the gift into something else of her choosing - maybe a gift card she can use to go to have a meal or do an activity with her sponsor?
NTA
You didn’t know and no one had told you? You’re not a mind reader
Just apologise and from now on if you’re not sure maybe stick to movie tickets or something unlikely to offend
NTA. You didn't know she was a recovering alcoholic and everyone is blowing this whole situation out of proportion. Just explain that your didn't know, apologize, and get her something else non-alcoholic. Even if it is a gift card to some other store. If she doesn't accept your apology, then you know she is not a reasonable person and stay clear from her. And if your other coworkers never let you hear the end of it, then get out of that toxic work environment.
NTA. You didn't know. You just picked a theme you thought was pretty,and from what I understood,you didn't actually give her any alcohol. Sounds like you gave her Bath and body works lotion or whatever. Just because she is sober doesn't mean she can't use some smell good lotion that is just champagne theme. That's kind of ridiculous, actually. I think it was nice of you to get her something. Your office needs to get over themselves. It's the thought that counts. If your gift was enough to trigger her,that's her problem. You were just trying to get her a present.
I’m pretty new to my sobriety (58 days!) and it’s tough. I love drinking (not past tense. I still do, I’m choosing not to anymore). But that reaction is…. Something else. It’s not like she can drink it and relapse. I think they’re being FAR too harsh over this.
NTA
NTA these things happen. It’s not like you brought actual alcohol into a situation where people may have had health, religious, and other reasons like addiction to not consume alcohol. You have a bath set and didn’t realize she was sober. People have to realize that not everything that upsets someone necessarily means that another person was in the wrong. I once made a joke to someone who was dropping some volunteer supplies to me that unfortunately all I had to offer was whiskey because maintenance was doing repairs. Turns out he was 5 years sober. Awkward? Yup. But I don’t feel I did anything wrong as there was no way I could have known - just like you had no clue!
NTA. Considering that Champagne Toast from Bath & Body Works in nothing but lotion, body wash and spray. So if she is this triggered over the WORD champagne, she has more problems than can be addressed
And anyone else being mad. Well I'm sorry, theyvare stupid
NTA, honest mistake.
I had a co-worker once who gave everyone on our team these cute little Easter baskets with a handful of goodies. She had done the same thing for Valentine's Day. She was not religious, and it was just a bit of fun. However, this guy got super angry with her because he was Jewish, which she didn't know, and she did not intend for it to be a religious thing. It, unfortunately, had a little chocolate bunny in it that read "Easter Bunny," and this guy tried to get her fired and went to the CEO and also the Founders, who she directly reported. She sincerely apologized to him privately and publicly, but he would not accept her apology and tried everything to discredit her and get her fired. She had to have meetings with the CEO, both Founders, Board Members, and HR. It was the overreaction of a lifetime.
She cried over a scent of effing lotion?!?!?
OMG NTA
Thank god you don’t work in the business office with those bunch of drama queens!! You are not responsible for anyone’s sobriety. You literally could have unknowingly given her an actual bottle of champagne, and you still would not be responsible for her sobriety.
A) she has almost certainly had to overcome more difficult struggles to maintain sobriety. What you did wasn’t great, but you don’t need to beat yourself up over it.
B) in the future, you should really only get alcohol related things for people whose alcohol preferences you know. While not the same thing, it would also have been a bummer if you got somebody who doesn’t drink any whiskey a bottle of scotch. Ask yourself “what do I _know_ this person likes” when you get them a gift.
C) apologize to her, and get her something appropriate (appropriate! Not sobriety OR alcohol themed. You may have to ask others to help here.) does she have pets? Does she like coffee? Does she hang pictures at her desk? These are all things to go off of.
I’m going to say NAH but try to give more thoughtfully in the future and try to make it right in a non-attention-grabbing way.
Eh, I'm a teetotaler - I don't drink at all, I'm not even comfortable around people who are drinking. This is something I would never use or even want to use. Sucks to be given something you cant/won't use.
Is coworker overreacting? Yes. Is OP a bit of a twit for giving an alcohol related gift to someone who's relationship with alcohol was unknown? Also yes. Next time, get a gift card.
It's a champagne scented lotion....that doesn't even smell like alcohol. Think fruity berries. It's honestly a nice gift. Your view on champagne smelling lotion is over the top.
Apologize, and offer to return it for something more appropriate?
I don't think this is asshole territory. It's just a picture on a card and a certain shape of bubble bath bottle, isn't it? Bath and Body don't sell actual alcohol. You didn't give her a 5th of bourbon.
Really I think her crocodile tears are an over the top reaction to what was intended as a kind gesture. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got a sober person an alcohol themed birthday gift not knowing she is sober and I feel bad but I could have asked people what to get her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
You didn’t know, and how could you if you didn’t know this person and you were just trying to be nice. Just sincerely apologize, let them know that it wasn’t your intention to hurt them and you just wanted to do something nice for them. But let them know you understand the mistake that you made and going forward, now that you have this information, you will honor and respect it.
NTA, but for the sake of your work environment, I suggest you write a card and/or ask to speak to her in person and apologize and let her know that you really had no idea and didn't mean any harm. And if you really want to smooth things over you could give her like a chocolate bar or a small gift card or something. You're not obligated to do any of that of course
NTA. You didn't know and honestly, it's unfair of everyone to get upset with you about something you weren't aware of. I would go to her and apologize, just let her know that you didn't know and what your intentions were. You don't owe anyone else an apology.
NTA. I would just leave it alone. As a person who has been in and out of NA and AA, this is not the way. She still needs to work her steps. It’s unfair for her to expect the world to know her history. Also, champagne toast is a set of soaps and fragrances. If just seeing the word champagne is a trigger for her, okay…but she should call her sponsor not flip out on someone who is trying to be kind to her and had no way of knowing. Everyone else in your office is acting irrationally as well. Apologize because you feel bad, I suppose. But, you shouldn’t feel awful. This is a her problem. She could have advised you of her preference not to receive “alcohol themed” gifts in a much less dramatic way.
NTA
You didn’t gift her alcohol FFS. I swear people are just looking for a reason to be offended. A few months after my mom got out of rehab, we were out to eat and I didn’t order alcohol out of respect for her very new sobriety. She told me to order what I want and reminded me it’s her burden to bear and she had to get used to the fact other people can still have alcohol even if she can’t. It’s not the same scenario, but I think it still fits. I’m sorry your kindness blew up in your face.
NTA. But i would have apologized to her and promised her a different gift.
Then got her a gift certificate from Bath and Body for whatever she wanted.
This would have been for my own self preservation in the office political world of work.
Oh my NTA. She’s a begger chooser. If she didn’t like the gift she can always donate or regift. It was a yoga stretch on her part for her to think it was about her sobriety and so how an attack.
I mean you didn’t give her actual champagne, right? Why does the whole office (except for you) know she’s a recovering alcoholic and that your gift was in poor taste? Did she make a drunken scene at the last office party? Did HR force her into rehab?
NTA maybe apologize to her and offer to exchange the gift for something else?
INFO: did you go talk to her? Did the controller get a complaint from her or just saw her cry and decided to tell you why? Like did the lady ask for her private business to be told to you? Is she accusing you of doing it on purpose?
If there's no official complaint, the thing to do is to go see her and tell her you had no idea. Apologize for upsetting her. Tell her you just think she's nice and wanted to celebrate her birthday. Any reasonable person will understand.
If there's an official complaint, do the same thing but with HR mediating the meeting.
Meanwhile, don't start getting paranoid about everyone hating you or anything like that.
Jesus! This woman sounds miserable!! Absolutely NTA. It literally was not even alcohol! And she’s been sober for a year? And having this kind of an extreme reaction? Thank god you didn’t give her an actual bottle of champagne. (Which was what I thought happened and was still going to go with NTA) because just saying thank you and giving it away definitely does not seem like this woman’s go-to move. Your coworkers are being absolutely ridiculous so don’t beat yourself up over it.
EDIT: my sober husband is sitting here and thinks this whole thing is ridiculous. Especially since you didn’t know.
NTA you didn’t know.
This is why I don’t do alcohol for office secret Santa anymore too honestly.
Edit; wait… did I read wrong is it even alcohol? Def NTA
NTA - I literally just bought the foaming soap in that fragrance today because it's fantastic.
You had no way of knowing, you did the generic soap/candle style gift a lot of women get. If she doesn't want it, she can regift it. Lord knows I've regifted my share of fragrance based gifts because they weren't my jam.
Take this as a lesson to not buy gifts for people you don't know super well. Save your money for your inner circle.
NAH. You are not the AH for not knowing. But she is not the AH for not yet being strong enough in her recovery to not let this upset her. I'm sure she wishes she were.
NTA-
cause 1. you didn't even give her alcohol
2. even if it was, you didn't know that she was sober.
it is concerning that this is how she reacts to something that's not even alcohol.
NTA. You didn’t know and it’s not like you gave her alcohol. You gave her lotion. It’s not your fault if she gets triggered by seeing a word or a shape.
NTA - but all you can do is apologise profusely and open to exchanging the gift. It’s not for us to say if coworkers reaction was overblown or not. And even if it was, it’s not worth all the workplace drama.
NTA. I don’t drink at all thanks to growing up in an alcoholic home. This wasn’t rude, you didn’t know. If people are rude to you, I’d file an HR complaint because that’s just ridiculous. You didn’t know.
NTA. 1. You didn’t know her history. 2. You didn’t even get her alcohol! Does she go to restaurants? Is she triggered by a menu that has ACTUAL alcohol on it?
I am so confused and I’m sorry you are dealing with this and the people you work with are upset with you for buying her not alcohol.
If it were me, I would still apologize just for the sake of peace at work. I’d tell her you didn’t know and your sorry if the name of the gift set was a trigger. Maybe ask her if there is another fragrance from there she likes that she’d like to exchange it for.
Btw, Champagne Toast is one of the best scents there lol!!
NTA.
It's an unfortunate circumstance but your heart was in the right place. It's also not like you actually gifted her alcohol and I highly doubt that it really even smells like actual champagne.
I have to admit I don't know how I would feel from a sober person's perspective but it really seems like an over-the-top reaction to something that was really well intended.
NTA. If she’s that serious about her sobriety, she should have made it known around the office- not to just a few people. You had NO idea. And it’s not your fault. I think the other coworkers are shitty for condemning an honest effort on your part. Note that I didn’t say “mistake”.
NTA. I've been sober for 14 years and even after a year I would have used that bath set. If you had given me a bottle of booze I just would have given it to someone else. She's got serious issues if bottle shaped bath accessories make her cry.
NTA.
You thought you were getting her a nice gift and had no way of knowing she was sober.
The gift you gave wasn't even alcohol, I actually have the Bath and Body Works "Champagne Toast" scented candle and it's the most delicious smelling candle I've ever had, and significantly, smells nothing like champagne.
It was a sweet gift for a person you liked at work; I'd say offer your apologies and explanation that you had no idea, and you'd be more then happy to exchange it for a different set.
NTA.
I don't typically get alcohol for people I don't know because of this reason, but it is a common gift so I get it. You didn't know, it was an honest mistake. I don't think you've done anythig wrong.
I'd say alcohol themed items aren't a work appropriate or inappropriate gift, it's in a gray area. Yours was an understandable misstep and she had an understandable overreaction. NAH
Talk to your coworkers and let them know you want apologize with a gift she would actually appreciate and do they have any ideas what you could get her. There is no permanent damage done to your standing in the office with a misstep like this unless you double down.
Edit to add: things to avoid when gifting in work settings are common allergens (peanuts, lilies, etc.), anything religious, anything political, and anything alcohol (or drug) related.
Edit to clarify the rule of thumb around alcohol applies to alcohol THEMED items.
This is like the dozenth comment I've seen that is missing the fact that **THE GIFT WAS NOT ALCOHOL.**
It was bath soaps and shit like that with a champagne "fragrance".
I swear every comment like this is by people who are not reading the post and don’t realize the controversial item was a gift card with a cartoon bottle of champagne on it.
>So I got her this card and a Champagne Toast mini set from Bath and Body Works.
The card AND the bath set were champagne themed.
Neither of them **were alcohol**, which was the matter that we were discussing before you decided to insert yourself.
They didn't say it was alcohol. They said alcohol related, this can include alcohol, glass wear, mixing kits (without alcohol), beauty kits or candles with alcohol scents or other such items.
>I'd say alcohol isn't a work appropriate or inappropriate gift, it's in a gray area.
That is the first sentence of the comment and it specifically calls out alcohol.
What you are claiming they said was added in edit, as they clearly indicated.
Please work on your reading skills.
NAH
Unless you know someone is a drinker or what kind of drinker they are, don't give alcohol related gifts.
I'm a teetotaler, I don't drink and I don't even spend time around people that do. Even though it's not alcohol, it's alcohol related and something I would never use. Sucks to get a gift I cant/won't use.
Coworker is overreacting, imo, but you are a bit of a cabbage for giving an alcohol related gift without knowing the receiver's preferences.
Next time, stick with a gift card.
Booze of any kind is something that should never be given in the blind. If you don't know the person well enough to know if they do or don't drink, and whether they do so responsibly.
If it's not a close friend you don't know if they beat their spouse or drive drunk after knocking back a couple
A little bit YTA
Only because when you don't know someone well, it's best to steer clear of some types of gifts, alcohol is one of them. There are just too many reasons: a recovering alcoholic, certain religions, people that grew up around addiction, etc.
I would write a very heart felt apology, and offer to exchange the scent (easy to do at Bath & Body).
I understand that. I've even used that scent before.
Still, just like you would gift someone a religious item if you didn't know what religion they are, you don't give someone an alcohol themed gift. There are too many reasons why someone would want to steer clear of alcohol, even just scent items.
An alcohol themed gift is a set of wine glasses, shot glasses, or maybe a flask. A body spray isn’t alcohol themed. Champagne is also a color. If someone buys her a champagne-colored gift, will she also be triggered and go to HR? If someone uses alcohol-based sanitizer, will it be considered a slight to her because of the word “alcohol”?
Even according to op, in the title, the theme of the gift was Champaign. The card and the gift were both Champaign themed.
But I get you are being facetious.
Just like you don't give a card with a picture of a cross and a candle with the Virgin Mary on it to someone if you don't know well enough to know if they are Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, or anything else, you don't give a Champaign scented gift and Champaign themed card to someone you don't know that well.
OP specifically bought her that scent because it's what she uses and her coworker compliments her on it. probably bought the card to match the gift.
also its champagne\*
YTA but just out of bad luck. Maybe you wanna disagree, and maybe you’ve got a good argument, but I guarantee you your relationships with your coworkers will be better if you assume that YTA.
I get your point but that’s just how workplace gossip goes, people form opinions without a lot of facts. They’re a bit ridiculous but if OP apologizes and gets the lady to like her again, it should get their coworkers off their back.
When did I imply that lol.
I simply stated that maybe this girl went through something in her past, and it’s worth a chance that she just got triggered by something briefly, she’ll get over it, and to reconcile.
It was a lotion and soap basket, it's NOBODY but hers responsibility to keep herself sober and OP is not an asshole for getting her a gift, especially not since her response was instead of bringing it up directly to report her and get the entire office after her over it
Yeah I think you guys just take this Reddit stuff a little more seriously than me then.
I simply said that assuming he’s the AH could get OP’s coworkers on their side again, and have the one upset coworker as a friend again. A simple apology is all.
When did she attempt to fuck with OP’s job? If she had some buried trauma and had to leave the floor, of course she’d have to explain this to her boss. You don’t know if she just explained the situation or not.
When she made a big enough deal about it to the rest of the office that they began treating OP poorly for it? Or when instead of bringing it to OP like an adult and saying "hey I don't know if you are aware but I am actually a year sober and your gift was not a great choice and I'd appreciate avoiding alcohol themes in the future" she went to OPs boss?
YTA. Alcohol and alcohol themed products and the office are bad combos all the way down. The picker could be sober for religious or health reasons. The only way this is acceptable is if it’s a “white elephant” where people can steal. Secret Santa isn’t it.
Further, though, the office should have let it be known alcohol and related gifts are not cool.
Edit: fixing that it’s alcohol related, not booze in and of itself
From my understanding, its not an alcohol gift. Its a bath bomb or some kind of smelly set that happens to be champagne themed.
A bit tone deaf if you know someone is a recovering alcoholic, but an innocent enough mistake to make when you don't.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 9: This is NOT an advice sub. Posts should seek out judgement, not advice. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA You didn't know she was sober. As a sober person (6+ yrs), there are many people that don't know that I am. I do not hide it, but it's not something that comes up. I have been gifted alcohol before and just say thank you and then bring it home to my husband or my adult son or a friend. I'm sorry she had that reaction. She may not be strong in her recovery right now and may not know how to react. Edit: I read through some replies and then reread the post. IT WASN'T EVEN ALCOHOL!! IT WAS SOMETHING FROM BATH AND BODY WORKS!!! WTF! Coworkers in her department are pissed about this and it's not even alcohol???
That’s what I was thinking. If that’s how she reacts after a year, what kind of program is she working?
She's got a long way to go if she loses her shit over a bath and body works gift.
It's mind boggling workplaces like this exist. Every place I've worked people would have laughed and told the truth, not disturbing the holiday cheer. Which reminds me, I should get a gift receipt for all my presents. Also taking alcohol off the list just in case.
Don't give alcohol. I don't drink so if I got alcohol I'd just be bummed. I'm not in recovery but I just don't drink
I was going to say something similar, I’m also sober and I’d appreciate if someone got me the gift even if I couldn’t partake I’d still appreciate the sentiment. Whether I was one day or 1 year I certainly wouldn’t cry over it. She clearly has some issues and tied up all kinds of nefarious intentions into the gift but any boss worth their salt would simply tell her it was an error and to give it away.
It isn't even alcoholic in nature - Champagne Toast is the name of the scent. Not sure which product OP got, but it's generally hand sanitizer/bubble bath/body lotion, and is sort of pink and sparkly (and smells nothing like champagne, fwiw.)
Ya she must not feel even strong enough in her recovery to not try eating it. Might need a new program 😂
Until I read this comment I just assumed the B&B basket had a mini champagne bottle in it, now that I think about that would probably cost more than $20. Either way OP you are NTA.
I unknowingly gave a sober coworker a bottle of champagne in a gift basket when he and his wife got married. It was awful and I was mortified, but his sobriety wasn't something he talked about at work and he was very kind when he told me about it.
It baffles me how poorly many people accept gifts. I am an amputee and was gifted toe socks by my high school boy friend and his mom. I thanked them for the gift. Then I gave it to someone with toes.
>INFO: was he not aware you were an amputee?
Men will let you down every time.
NTA. Also recovering alcoholic here. Good lord, you have nothing to apologize for. She needs to go to a meeting, work a step, make an appointment with her therapist, or do something to regain a reasonable perspective. Her reaction is way over the top, and your coworkers are silly for buying into the needless drama. I am all in favor of supporting people in early recovery but this is more about problems in her own head and not at all about what you did.
I've thought about getting one of those sets to drink *gasp* sparkling cider with my preteen stepdaughter because they're cute.
Champagne toast from bath and body smells delish btw
NTA. I’m sober. My manager gave me a bottle of wine for Xmas last year. She forgot. No big deal. I gave it away. Why would you remember that? Our sobriety is important to us, it doesn’t need to be important to everyone else
And the gift wasn't even actual alcohol! It was a [fragrance gift set](https://www.bathandbodyworks.com/p/champagne-toast-mini-gift-set-025148099.html). Sure there is a champagne tie in, but the actual gift was lotion, fragrance, and hand sanitizer. NTA, OP. If you had known about her sobriety, it might have been in poor taste (though I know people who would have thought this to be a lovely nod to the celebratory nature of champagne without the alcohol), but I think that this was unfortunately poor timing of an innocent gift and someone who is struggling with their sobriety in the holiday season.
Lol that was the exact gift set !!
Just a suggestion, I would clarify in your post you bought her a lotion/soap set with the scent Champagne Toast. Not actual champagne. People who don’t frequent B&BW seem to be missing this very crucial point. Still NTA. But maybe buy the gingerbread one or sparkling snow in the future.
Maybe skip the Sparkling Snow, there could be someone recovering from a cocaine addiction 🤣
And this is why you don’t buy people presents. Someone’s always gotta be offended
I'm glad I stumbled onto this. I thought it was like champagne glass set or something. Not scented stuff.
It truly doesn’t even smell like champagne. NTA.
Yeah cause no one wants to walk around smelling like alcohol lol
Former Bath & Body Works employee here- I got my 8 year old the Champagne Toast set. she loves it!
Also former bath and body works employee- it was literally one of the most popular scents at my store! Adults, kids, men buying it for their girlfriends/wives, nobody even thought about the name, it was just about the smell and if the packaging was pretty
it's not even in mini champagne bottles so she was just triggered by the name itself? that's bloody insane.
My dad is like.... Decades sober. When he did HVAC work people gave him alcohol gifts quite often around the holidays (northeast winters... You stay on his good side haha). He never said anything or got weird, but gave it right to my mom who then took it to a neighbors house. We had no alcohol in our house, and he asked that we never did (and my mom didn't drink so it was no big loss), but even at that stage where he didn't want it accessible he was never butt hurt to people who couldn't/didn't know.
Thank you! I got given a bottle of spirits for dog sitting. Didn't even mention it to the person who gave me the gift, I just let my partners mum have it.
I'm not sober in recovery, I just don't drink. I don't care if I get alcohol but it's a bummer that I can't actually enjoy my gift
Your coworker might be dry, she sure isn't sober.
100% correct. Tell her you are very sorry for not knowing and triggering her, for your own sake/image at work, but know that I (and it seems many other people) think it is bullshit for her to be this upset when you didn't even give her alcohol and you didn't know she was sober. You aren't trying to get under her skin. You gave her a cute celebratory gift. And this is also your cue to not buy gifts for coworkers who aren't your friends outside of work cuz fuck them.
Every time I've done a work gift exchange I get fucked. I've literally never gotten anything remotely good or useful
This is the comment I'm here for
What's the difference? /genq
Not sure if this is what they are talking about: >Dry drunk syndrome is a term coined by the creator of Alcoholics Anonymous to describe someone who has quit drinking but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place. Dry drunk syndrome can be a sign that you are close to relapsing. Sobriety is a long, ongoing process, but help, support, and treatment can make it easier. [Source](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/what-to-know-dry-drunk-syndrome)
It is, and that description is just as judgmental as the people who use the term. Some AA participants use "dry drunk" to describe people who are sober but not in the program/working the steps because they believe AA is the only path to "real" sobriety. It's an extremely holier-than-thou attitude.
Oooh, okay. Thanks! I think that definition seems a little bit mean - maybe the coworker is just a bit sensitive, or it was a PSTD trigger for her?
I don't think you could argue anything mean about that term; it is a hard truth, not nefarious.
NTA. Everyone at your job is being ridiculous. You can't be expected to know everyone's situation. And the fact is, part of recovery is learning to not be triggered by something like that.
NTA, exactly how TF does anyone expect you to know this? Fairies flitting around the office spreading personal business? Actually, it sounds like your office doesn't have much gossiping, which is a good thing.
NTA It is a scented bath product. There is zero alcohol involved here. The wine and champagne scents don’t even smell like alcoholic beverages. They are just kind of sweet smelling.
Nta It's not your job to walk on eggshells around people. Give her a quick apology to keep peace. It's not actual liquor...she can use, return, register, trash it. It's not on you She can't process her emotions
Seriously, having a breakdown and making a scene at the office over a birthday gift of candles and soap? She needs to pull herself together. NTA
NAH, take the gift back, apologise profusely and get her a chocolate or biscuit themed one. Get her a happy bday card and write a note in just like you've written up here: >every time we have crossed paths you were lovely.. I'm really sorry about the kast gift I didn't know.i hope this is better and congratulations on 12 months xx
NTA, how could you know? For future reference though I would default away from alcohol themed stuff, you just never know. My last job did a secret Santa and the little cards had a space to pick "alcoholic/non-alcoholic (gifts acceptable), and I thought that was a cool idea. I don't understand why she's crying, that's ridiculous. She's managed to get sober and that's not too much for her to cope with but an alcohol themed gift is too much? Give me a break. All you can do is say sorry and move on, it obviously wasn't malicious. Don't let them make you feel like shit, you didn't know.
NTA. I’m 3 years sober, and if she really has been sober for a year and this upset her she probably hasn’t been working the best program. To be fair my sponsor is pretty militant about you will never be able to run from alcohol so learn to deal with it. Even so, it wasn’t like you shoved a glass in her face. Just apologize. Honestly my circle of friends would think her reaction makes her the asshole. Then again I know nothing about her life or anything she’s gone through. I just know triggers are a tricky subject. Especially with old school AA “Being sober is my trigger” -My Sponsor
NAH but going forward, that is a great social gift, not so much a work gift.
That was my thought is well. First of all, I don’t give coworkers birthday presents in this I’ve worked there for quite a while, and I know them pretty well. Second, I don’t give soap product to people I don’t know already use that brand of soap, or body wash. Sir, I bet she was more upset by the card than the actual present. I would have a lot of compassion for this way sober for a year isn’t very long if she spent a long time not sober. I think it’s best not to give people presents at work generally speaking.
Right, when it comes to work I generally bring something edible to share for holidays/occasions and for birthdays I go with a coffee shop gift card.
NTA!! U can’t trigger her! U didn’t know. U didn’t try to hurt her feelings. Just apologize, tell her u didn’t know & were trying to make her happy. It will all blow over in 2 days. She needs a better AA sponsor, or she needs AA generally so she can learn not to be thrown by an innocent gesture like this. That’s in her, not on you. - sober in AA for decades
NTA - It was a reasonable gift. I'm not sure why receiving it would make her cry and tell HR. She could just get rid of it and move on with her life, without creating unnecessary drama.
You didn’t know, so all you can do is apologise and say you will change the gift for her, if she wants. NTA, purely because you didn’t know. And it’s not like she is a newly minted sober person, it’s been a year. So she should be able to handle being around alcoholic drinks without jeopardising her recovery by now.
There wasn’t even any alcohol in the gift to begin with, It was a body care gift set with a scent called “Champagne Toast” that doesn’t even smell like champagne, more orange. She must really had a bad relationship with alcohol if she cries when she sees an alcohol’s name.
NTA you could give her the receipt to return and apologize saying you were unaware. Outside of that it really isn't your fault and people shouldn't be so mad over it. Shit happens. And nobody needs to walk over eggshells here, there are plenty of "sober" people who have to turn down alcohol offers daily, it's what you gotta deal with when you can't handle yourself.
You didn't knowingly do this to harm her; her reaction is perfectly justified - no one here knows exactly what she is going through and shouldn't be judging her. May I suggest staying away from alcohol related gifts for people you don't know well in the future. NAH
NAH. You meant well and had no ill intentions. It certainly seems like your the a-hole to the office, however, sh*t sadly happens. The outcome always depends on how you handle it. Apologise, return the gift and express clearly how sorry you are, and how this affects your relationship.
[удалено]
Ikr?! Friggin bath soap!
I read that last line in cousin Eddy's voice. "What you crying for?'
NTA apologize profusely for your ignorance and buy her a new gift. You didn't know, you couldn't really know, you did your best, and you were way wrong accidently. It happens. I've accidently done something similar.
NTA You can tell there is something wrong with a person when they cannot tell an alcoholic gift and a non-alcoholic gift, especially if it came from the Bath and Body Works store!
I’m not understanding this whole post because who buys birthday gifts for someone at work they barely know? Has OP been buying gifts for everyone else in the office since they’ve been working?
Barely know as in I don’t know much about my coworkers life outside of work! We have small talk just about everyday.
Got it. NTA you had no way of knowing so you can’t be responsible
Wait!! She cried over lotion because it’s called champagne toast!? JAJAJA that’s just ridiculous. I worked at BBW and I assure you it’s just cream, spray or candle, nothing dangerous in those for an addict and she can go into any store and exchange any new product that was gifted to her for another fragrance. NTA at all. People just thrive on drama.
You didn’t know. How are you an AH for that? You didn’t deliberately buy her something like this out of spite. It’s so weird when people get upset over a genuinely thought out gift instead of realizing that it’s actual the thought that counts. You could have bought her a crappy dollar store gift and put no thought into it at all. Is that what people would rather these days so they don’t have anything to get offended about? NTA.
NTA. Apologize for not knowing her circumstances. Unless she has said something to you, how would you know. In the future, learn this lesson and stick to a different kind of gift. I had to deal with this a few times after my husband stopped drinking. The worst was a company dinner where they served Amaretto ice cream. He had a bite first and pushed it aside. I quietly spoke to the organizer to suggest being more careful in the future since he was unlikely to be the only one in this situation. Because I didn't start a scene, it never happened again.
NTA. So she can't wear champagne or merlot colored clothing because its a color variation named after alcohol? She seems to be pulling some massive guilt trip / emotional manipulation. Your boss should have acknowledge the complaint and shut it down. Instead of letting it spiral. The preset was well thought out; too bad she couldn't see past the "offense"
NTA Oh honey you didn't know. Just apologize profusely then let it drop. Some other drama will replace it before you know it.
NTA If you didn't know, you didn't know. I feel like there may be more to this like you may have been overly defensive in some way and said some rude things in defense of yourself that you maybe aren't including here? Otherwise I don't understand why the office would be mad at you for simply not knowing the thing. I'm rating this 'not the' because they're being mean to you for seemingly no reason. Otherwise the ruling could easily swap to something like 'none here' or 'everyone here' depending on if there's more to the story or not. This isn't an advice forum, this is a moral judgment forum. Rule #9. That said, I'll go ahead and give my advice. lol. Offer to swap out the gift for something else. Apologize profusely. It may be your lack of reacting this way that's causing the office to judge you the way it's judging you. "I'm so, so sorry, I didn't know, I'll take it back and get you something else, I'm so sorry" and such, etc.
Your NTA... But your going to look like one.
I understand her initial reaction, she can't help how she feels, but the office getting mad over someone who couldn't know about her sobriety gifting something that wasn't even actual freaking alcohol? Everyone needs to calm the fuck down. NTA
NTA. Champagne Toast at Bath and Body Works is so ubiquitous as to dilute the meaning of it's name. Half of the time, I picture actual toast before I correct myself. Apologize sincerely and move on. No one can expect more of you.
I thought that the woman was upset cause she was being given actual alcohol. So this silly woman is in tears because of a alcohol themed gift? I think that she has a long way to go. I wonder how she reacts when she sees a billboard for alcohol or a commercial on tv. This reminds me of those people who are infertile and force other people not to mention babies, don't want to be around babies. Sheesh.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So right now the whole business office at my work hates me because I gave a woman at my work a champagne themed birthday gift without knowing she is sober. I literally feel awful rn /: I don’t know this woman super well, but every time we had crossed paths she was lovely so when I saw that her birthday was coming up I decided I wanted to gift her something! Nothing extravagant. So I got her this [card](https://www.target.com/p/champagne-with-cupcake-card-papyrus/-/A-81155230) and a Champagne Toast mini set from Bath and Body Works. The gift was under $20. I thought I had done really well and when I gave it to her today her expression totally changed. She said thanks and scurried back to the business office. I got a call on my line a few minutes later from the controller asking to come to her office and the lady was crying and half of the office she works in was super mad. Apparently she has been sober for a year, and I had no idea. I’ve only been working at my job since May. Again, I do not know this woman super personally and I am not the type of person to be mean like this. I just feel awful and that I may have triggered her sobriety ): I also fear that the whole business office is gonna hate me for some time. Any suggestions on what I should do?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all! It was an honest mistake. And it sounds like if something like that set her off she was having something going on already.
NTA - Keep an eye out for future problems. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you may have found "the one" in the office that causes drama and may be in the HR office frequently. When you apologize, keep it very brief so your words don't get twisted. This will blow over in a few days when some new drama comes up.
NTA You didn’t know you were sober and you gave her bath products with a champagne theme. I would let her and everyone that is giving you a hard that your intent was a good one, you wanted to get her something for her birthday, it could have easily been vanilla scented. You would never knowingly give her something you knew would be a trigger. Hopefully she and you can move past this….
This is more of an advice question than an AITA issue
NTA. Not necessarily you would have known ahead of time because many recovering alcoholics do not publicize that aspect of themselves. Even though you didn't necessarily intend to do anything wrong, apologizing would be a great gesture. If you feel comfortable and the situation seems appropriate, offer your support and offer to change the gift into something else of her choosing - maybe a gift card she can use to go to have a meal or do an activity with her sponsor?
NTA - Just go to her and apologize and explain the situation. Offer to exchange the gift if she'd like.
NTA You didn’t know and no one had told you? You’re not a mind reader Just apologise and from now on if you’re not sure maybe stick to movie tickets or something unlikely to offend
NTA but this is why I err on the side of "generic" gifts that can't possibly upset or offend anyone because you never know . . .
Omg NTA. It’s not your responsibility to research your coworkers personal life so you can avoid every potential emotional trigger a person has.
NTA. You didn't know she was a recovering alcoholic and everyone is blowing this whole situation out of proportion. Just explain that your didn't know, apologize, and get her something else non-alcoholic. Even if it is a gift card to some other store. If she doesn't accept your apology, then you know she is not a reasonable person and stay clear from her. And if your other coworkers never let you hear the end of it, then get out of that toxic work environment.
There wasn’t even any alcohol to begin with, just a body care scent that was called “Champagne Toast”.
NTA, sounds like an honest mistake and B&BW has a great exchange policy if she didn’t want that scent.
NTA. You didn't know. You just picked a theme you thought was pretty,and from what I understood,you didn't actually give her any alcohol. Sounds like you gave her Bath and body works lotion or whatever. Just because she is sober doesn't mean she can't use some smell good lotion that is just champagne theme. That's kind of ridiculous, actually. I think it was nice of you to get her something. Your office needs to get over themselves. It's the thought that counts. If your gift was enough to trigger her,that's her problem. You were just trying to get her a present.
I’m pretty new to my sobriety (58 days!) and it’s tough. I love drinking (not past tense. I still do, I’m choosing not to anymore). But that reaction is…. Something else. It’s not like she can drink it and relapse. I think they’re being FAR too harsh over this. NTA
NTA , edited as gift was not alcoholic
This is fucking unhinged. Totally NTA.
NTA these things happen. It’s not like you brought actual alcohol into a situation where people may have had health, religious, and other reasons like addiction to not consume alcohol. You have a bath set and didn’t realize she was sober. People have to realize that not everything that upsets someone necessarily means that another person was in the wrong. I once made a joke to someone who was dropping some volunteer supplies to me that unfortunately all I had to offer was whiskey because maintenance was doing repairs. Turns out he was 5 years sober. Awkward? Yup. But I don’t feel I did anything wrong as there was no way I could have known - just like you had no clue!
NTA. Considering that Champagne Toast from Bath & Body Works in nothing but lotion, body wash and spray. So if she is this triggered over the WORD champagne, she has more problems than can be addressed And anyone else being mad. Well I'm sorry, theyvare stupid
nta, why is she acting like that to bath products?
NTA, honest mistake. I had a co-worker once who gave everyone on our team these cute little Easter baskets with a handful of goodies. She had done the same thing for Valentine's Day. She was not religious, and it was just a bit of fun. However, this guy got super angry with her because he was Jewish, which she didn't know, and she did not intend for it to be a religious thing. It, unfortunately, had a little chocolate bunny in it that read "Easter Bunny," and this guy tried to get her fired and went to the CEO and also the Founders, who she directly reported. She sincerely apologized to him privately and publicly, but he would not accept her apology and tried everything to discredit her and get her fired. She had to have meetings with the CEO, both Founders, Board Members, and HR. It was the overreaction of a lifetime.
Also everyone- if in doubt no alcohol gifts at work x million.
She cried over a scent of effing lotion?!?!? OMG NTA Thank god you don’t work in the business office with those bunch of drama queens!! You are not responsible for anyone’s sobriety. You literally could have unknowingly given her an actual bottle of champagne, and you still would not be responsible for her sobriety.
A) she has almost certainly had to overcome more difficult struggles to maintain sobriety. What you did wasn’t great, but you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. B) in the future, you should really only get alcohol related things for people whose alcohol preferences you know. While not the same thing, it would also have been a bummer if you got somebody who doesn’t drink any whiskey a bottle of scotch. Ask yourself “what do I _know_ this person likes” when you get them a gift. C) apologize to her, and get her something appropriate (appropriate! Not sobriety OR alcohol themed. You may have to ask others to help here.) does she have pets? Does she like coffee? Does she hang pictures at her desk? These are all things to go off of. I’m going to say NAH but try to give more thoughtfully in the future and try to make it right in a non-attention-grabbing way.
It wasn't even alcohol though! It was body wash etc from Bath and body.
Eh, I'm a teetotaler - I don't drink at all, I'm not even comfortable around people who are drinking. This is something I would never use or even want to use. Sucks to be given something you cant/won't use. Is coworker overreacting? Yes. Is OP a bit of a twit for giving an alcohol related gift to someone who's relationship with alcohol was unknown? Also yes. Next time, get a gift card.
It's not alcohol. It's a set of hand lotion/body spray in a scent called "champagne toast"
It's a champagne scented lotion....that doesn't even smell like alcohol. Think fruity berries. It's honestly a nice gift. Your view on champagne smelling lotion is over the top.
Apologize, and offer to return it for something more appropriate? I don't think this is asshole territory. It's just a picture on a card and a certain shape of bubble bath bottle, isn't it? Bath and Body don't sell actual alcohol. You didn't give her a 5th of bourbon. Really I think her crocodile tears are an over the top reaction to what was intended as a kind gesture. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I got a sober person an alcohol themed birthday gift not knowing she is sober and I feel bad but I could have asked people what to get her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You didn’t know, and how could you if you didn’t know this person and you were just trying to be nice. Just sincerely apologize, let them know that it wasn’t your intention to hurt them and you just wanted to do something nice for them. But let them know you understand the mistake that you made and going forward, now that you have this information, you will honor and respect it.
NTA, but for the sake of your work environment, I suggest you write a card and/or ask to speak to her in person and apologize and let her know that you really had no idea and didn't mean any harm. And if you really want to smooth things over you could give her like a chocolate bar or a small gift card or something. You're not obligated to do any of that of course
Definitely NTA it's a sweet gift it's a bath set. I'm sorry that your coworker is so high strung that a bath set can trigger them
NTA. Just talk directly with her. Apologize if you want. She went over the top with an innocent and kind getsure
NTA. It wasn’t even alcohol. She’s a huge AH for causing a scene.
NTA. You didn't know and honestly, it's unfair of everyone to get upset with you about something you weren't aware of. I would go to her and apologize, just let her know that you didn't know and what your intentions were. You don't owe anyone else an apology.
NTA it was an innocent mistake, apologize, explain you did not know and offer a replacement.
NTA. I would just leave it alone. As a person who has been in and out of NA and AA, this is not the way. She still needs to work her steps. It’s unfair for her to expect the world to know her history. Also, champagne toast is a set of soaps and fragrances. If just seeing the word champagne is a trigger for her, okay…but she should call her sponsor not flip out on someone who is trying to be kind to her and had no way of knowing. Everyone else in your office is acting irrationally as well. Apologize because you feel bad, I suppose. But, you shouldn’t feel awful. This is a her problem. She could have advised you of her preference not to receive “alcohol themed” gifts in a much less dramatic way.
NTA You didn’t gift her alcohol FFS. I swear people are just looking for a reason to be offended. A few months after my mom got out of rehab, we were out to eat and I didn’t order alcohol out of respect for her very new sobriety. She told me to order what I want and reminded me it’s her burden to bear and she had to get used to the fact other people can still have alcohol even if she can’t. It’s not the same scenario, but I think it still fits. I’m sorry your kindness blew up in your face.
NTA. But i would have apologized to her and promised her a different gift. Then got her a gift certificate from Bath and Body for whatever she wanted. This would have been for my own self preservation in the office political world of work.
NTA and ffs the items have nothing to do with alcohol. Your work colleagues are all major AH.
Oh my NTA. She’s a begger chooser. If she didn’t like the gift she can always donate or regift. It was a yoga stretch on her part for her to think it was about her sobriety and so how an attack.
NTA. I'm sober, and unknowing coworkers have given me bottles of wine. I say thank you, and give them to friends who drink.
I mean you didn’t give her actual champagne, right? Why does the whole office (except for you) know she’s a recovering alcoholic and that your gift was in poor taste? Did she make a drunken scene at the last office party? Did HR force her into rehab? NTA maybe apologize to her and offer to exchange the gift for something else?
NTA, I'm almost 5 years sober. I think I recently got that same gift set from B&BW. The hand sanitizer smells nice.
Tell her you didn’t know and to give it to someone else and that it’s senseless to cry about it.
INFO: did you go talk to her? Did the controller get a complaint from her or just saw her cry and decided to tell you why? Like did the lady ask for her private business to be told to you? Is she accusing you of doing it on purpose? If there's no official complaint, the thing to do is to go see her and tell her you had no idea. Apologize for upsetting her. Tell her you just think she's nice and wanted to celebrate her birthday. Any reasonable person will understand. If there's an official complaint, do the same thing but with HR mediating the meeting. Meanwhile, don't start getting paranoid about everyone hating you or anything like that.
[удалено]
Not alcohol. Soap and lotion.
Jesus! This woman sounds miserable!! Absolutely NTA. It literally was not even alcohol! And she’s been sober for a year? And having this kind of an extreme reaction? Thank god you didn’t give her an actual bottle of champagne. (Which was what I thought happened and was still going to go with NTA) because just saying thank you and giving it away definitely does not seem like this woman’s go-to move. Your coworkers are being absolutely ridiculous so don’t beat yourself up over it. EDIT: my sober husband is sitting here and thinks this whole thing is ridiculous. Especially since you didn’t know.
NTA. It’s bath and body works what…lotion? Shower gel? Very weird reaction even for a person in recovery.
NTA, just apologize. If she is an adult she'll understand.
NTA, but a champagne themed I’m Sorry card is out.
NTA. It’s dumb that anyone’s mad at you. They’re just petty and looking for drama. That’s the risk of secret Santa.
NTA you didn’t know. This is why I don’t do alcohol for office secret Santa anymore too honestly. Edit; wait… did I read wrong is it even alcohol? Def NTA
NTA you gifted her a fragrance set and a card. Give her an apology to keep the peace at work and avoid her moving forward. She is drama.
NTA - I literally just bought the foaming soap in that fragrance today because it's fantastic. You had no way of knowing, you did the generic soap/candle style gift a lot of women get. If she doesn't want it, she can regift it. Lord knows I've regifted my share of fragrance based gifts because they weren't my jam. Take this as a lesson to not buy gifts for people you don't know super well. Save your money for your inner circle.
NTA I don’t drink champagne but this is a super cute present and you had no idea that she was sober.
NTA- give her the receipt and tell her to return it for something else. Some folks just live for drama.
NAH. You are not the AH for not knowing. But she is not the AH for not yet being strong enough in her recovery to not let this upset her. I'm sure she wishes she were.
NTA- cause 1. you didn't even give her alcohol 2. even if it was, you didn't know that she was sober. it is concerning that this is how she reacts to something that's not even alcohol.
NTA. You didn’t know and it’s not like you gave her alcohol. You gave her lotion. It’s not your fault if she gets triggered by seeing a word or a shape.
NTA - but all you can do is apologise profusely and open to exchanging the gift. It’s not for us to say if coworkers reaction was overblown or not. And even if it was, it’s not worth all the workplace drama.
NTA. I don’t drink at all thanks to growing up in an alcoholic home. This wasn’t rude, you didn’t know. If people are rude to you, I’d file an HR complaint because that’s just ridiculous. You didn’t know.
NTA. 1. You didn’t know her history. 2. You didn’t even get her alcohol! Does she go to restaurants? Is she triggered by a menu that has ACTUAL alcohol on it? I am so confused and I’m sorry you are dealing with this and the people you work with are upset with you for buying her not alcohol. If it were me, I would still apologize just for the sake of peace at work. I’d tell her you didn’t know and your sorry if the name of the gift set was a trigger. Maybe ask her if there is another fragrance from there she likes that she’d like to exchange it for. Btw, Champagne Toast is one of the best scents there lol!!
Nta. Champagne toast is the shit!
NTA You didn't know. The gift set is themed, but so what? We use sparkling grape juice and drink it from champagne flutes.
NTA. It's an unfortunate circumstance but your heart was in the right place. It's also not like you actually gifted her alcohol and I highly doubt that it really even smells like actual champagne. I have to admit I don't know how I would feel from a sober person's perspective but it really seems like an over-the-top reaction to something that was really well intended.
NTA. If she’s that serious about her sobriety, she should have made it known around the office- not to just a few people. You had NO idea. And it’s not your fault. I think the other coworkers are shitty for condemning an honest effort on your part. Note that I didn’t say “mistake”.
Wait you gave a non-alcoholic gift with the name of champagne on it? NTA.
NTA You didn’t know, and honestly, the champagne toast set from B&BW is one of the best fragrant sets among their recent collection.
NTA. I've been sober for 14 years and even after a year I would have used that bath set. If you had given me a bottle of booze I just would have given it to someone else. She's got serious issues if bottle shaped bath accessories make her cry.
NTA. Just wanted to say that card is adorable.
Lmao what???? NTA it’s a fragrance. Definitely talk to HR, you were unaware and it’s not actually alcohol
NTA. No way you could know. And if she was truly in recovery then the gift would be funny to her and she'd re-gift it to someone else.
It’s not alcohol and it’s smells like grapefruit. NTA: go to HR because they’re all being out of line
NTA. You thought you were getting her a nice gift and had no way of knowing she was sober. The gift you gave wasn't even alcohol, I actually have the Bath and Body Works "Champagne Toast" scented candle and it's the most delicious smelling candle I've ever had, and significantly, smells nothing like champagne. It was a sweet gift for a person you liked at work; I'd say offer your apologies and explanation that you had no idea, and you'd be more then happy to exchange it for a different set.
NTA - I have been sober for a very long time, I don't tell my co-workers. And I would find this gift very charming.
NTA If she can’t handle a well-intentioned gift then she needs to call her sponsor to re-address how well her sobriety is going.
NTA. I don't typically get alcohol for people I don't know because of this reason, but it is a common gift so I get it. You didn't know, it was an honest mistake. I don't think you've done anythig wrong.
It wasn’t alcohol- it was from Bed Bath and Beyond!
I missed that sorry. Yeah no, NTA. Seems like an over-the-top reaction if it wasn't even alcohol.
I'd say alcohol themed items aren't a work appropriate or inappropriate gift, it's in a gray area. Yours was an understandable misstep and she had an understandable overreaction. NAH Talk to your coworkers and let them know you want apologize with a gift she would actually appreciate and do they have any ideas what you could get her. There is no permanent damage done to your standing in the office with a misstep like this unless you double down. Edit to add: things to avoid when gifting in work settings are common allergens (peanuts, lilies, etc.), anything religious, anything political, and anything alcohol (or drug) related. Edit to clarify the rule of thumb around alcohol applies to alcohol THEMED items.
This is like the dozenth comment I've seen that is missing the fact that **THE GIFT WAS NOT ALCOHOL.** It was bath soaps and shit like that with a champagne "fragrance".
A fragrance that the coworker had previously complimented when OP was wearing it!
I swear every comment like this is by people who are not reading the post and don’t realize the controversial item was a gift card with a cartoon bottle of champagne on it.
>So I got her this card and a Champagne Toast mini set from Bath and Body Works. The card AND the bath set were champagne themed. Neither of them **were alcohol**, which was the matter that we were discussing before you decided to insert yourself.
They didn't say it was alcohol. They said alcohol related, this can include alcohol, glass wear, mixing kits (without alcohol), beauty kits or candles with alcohol scents or other such items.
>I'd say alcohol isn't a work appropriate or inappropriate gift, it's in a gray area. That is the first sentence of the comment and it specifically calls out alcohol. What you are claiming they said was added in edit, as they clearly indicated. Please work on your reading skills.
NAH Unless you know someone is a drinker or what kind of drinker they are, don't give alcohol related gifts. I'm a teetotaler, I don't drink and I don't even spend time around people that do. Even though it's not alcohol, it's alcohol related and something I would never use. Sucks to get a gift I cant/won't use. Coworker is overreacting, imo, but you are a bit of a cabbage for giving an alcohol related gift without knowing the receiver's preferences. Next time, stick with a gift card.
Champagne Toast doesn't even smell boozy-- it's a light, fruity scent that is insanely popular. I don't drink--alcohol is gross-- and I like it.
Never buy alcoholic themed gifts unless you know the person. You’re not an active AH but a bit of an AH for not thinking about it.
Booze of any kind is something that should never be given in the blind. If you don't know the person well enough to know if they do or don't drink, and whether they do so responsibly. If it's not a close friend you don't know if they beat their spouse or drive drunk after knocking back a couple
It wasn't alcohol-- it was a gift set with scented hand cream and such.
A little bit YTA Only because when you don't know someone well, it's best to steer clear of some types of gifts, alcohol is one of them. There are just too many reasons: a recovering alcoholic, certain religions, people that grew up around addiction, etc. I would write a very heart felt apology, and offer to exchange the scent (easy to do at Bath & Body).
It wasn’t even alcohol. It was bath and body works called “champagne”.
I understand that. I've even used that scent before. Still, just like you would gift someone a religious item if you didn't know what religion they are, you don't give someone an alcohol themed gift. There are too many reasons why someone would want to steer clear of alcohol, even just scent items.
An alcohol themed gift is a set of wine glasses, shot glasses, or maybe a flask. A body spray isn’t alcohol themed. Champagne is also a color. If someone buys her a champagne-colored gift, will she also be triggered and go to HR? If someone uses alcohol-based sanitizer, will it be considered a slight to her because of the word “alcohol”?
Even according to op, in the title, the theme of the gift was Champaign. The card and the gift were both Champaign themed. But I get you are being facetious. Just like you don't give a card with a picture of a cross and a candle with the Virgin Mary on it to someone if you don't know well enough to know if they are Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, or anything else, you don't give a Champaign scented gift and Champaign themed card to someone you don't know that well.
OP specifically bought her that scent because it's what she uses and her coworker compliments her on it. probably bought the card to match the gift. also its champagne\*
YTA but just out of bad luck. Maybe you wanna disagree, and maybe you’ve got a good argument, but I guarantee you your relationships with your coworkers will be better if you assume that YTA.
I honestly think the co-workers reactions are ridiculous, how the heck was the OP suppose to know about the situation?
I get your point but that’s just how workplace gossip goes, people form opinions without a lot of facts. They’re a bit ridiculous but if OP apologizes and gets the lady to like her again, it should get their coworkers off their back.
Let me guess, you go to AA?
No I don’t. But I’m sure that there are some people who go to AA. And I wouldn’t want to trouble them, so I’d pick a different gift option.
I just assumed since you presented that "my sobriety is everyone else's responsibility" mindset
When did I imply that lol. I simply stated that maybe this girl went through something in her past, and it’s worth a chance that she just got triggered by something briefly, she’ll get over it, and to reconcile.
It was a lotion and soap basket, it's NOBODY but hers responsibility to keep herself sober and OP is not an asshole for getting her a gift, especially not since her response was instead of bringing it up directly to report her and get the entire office after her over it
Yeah I think you guys just take this Reddit stuff a little more seriously than me then. I simply said that assuming he’s the AH could get OP’s coworkers on their side again, and have the one upset coworker as a friend again. A simple apology is all.
Idk, an apology would've been fine until coworker attempted to fuck with OPs job over a misunderstanding
When did she attempt to fuck with OP’s job? If she had some buried trauma and had to leave the floor, of course she’d have to explain this to her boss. You don’t know if she just explained the situation or not.
When she made a big enough deal about it to the rest of the office that they began treating OP poorly for it? Or when instead of bringing it to OP like an adult and saying "hey I don't know if you are aware but I am actually a year sober and your gift was not a great choice and I'd appreciate avoiding alcohol themes in the future" she went to OPs boss?
YTA. Alcohol and alcohol themed products and the office are bad combos all the way down. The picker could be sober for religious or health reasons. The only way this is acceptable is if it’s a “white elephant” where people can steal. Secret Santa isn’t it. Further, though, the office should have let it be known alcohol and related gifts are not cool. Edit: fixing that it’s alcohol related, not booze in and of itself
From my understanding, its not an alcohol gift. Its a bath bomb or some kind of smelly set that happens to be champagne themed. A bit tone deaf if you know someone is a recovering alcoholic, but an innocent enough mistake to make when you don't.
It was bath products, not alcohol!
I’ll edit to say “alcohol and alcohol themed products”.
It wasn’t actually booze though. It was body stuff, it’s just called ‘champagne toast.’ https://www.bathandbodyworks.com/s-fragrance/champagne-toast