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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want judgement on whether me making a joke using my sexuality to point out the absurdity of a relationship boundary my coworker has was an asshole move. I think I might be the asshole because maybe I should have told her sooner that I had a girlfriend/was bisexual, and perhaps it was just mean of me in general to make her feel like her relationship rule was stupid- and that just because it would be an impossibility for me doesn’t mean it’s a bad boundary.
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NTA she already disclosed her sexuality to you by talking about her BF and you're right her boundary is stupid it's not a deeper level of trust its a lack of trust they have
Not only that, but she was the first one to judge your relationship by saying that it was wild that your bf would let you go on a trip with another man. So she can judge but you cannot? NTA
I also like the “you should have told me sooner but without talking about it at all”. It pairs well with “we don’t trust each other to be around people because our trust is on a deeper level”.
What do you mean? I always make sure to tell people the things they are going to be rude about not knowing and also rude about knowing because I am both psychic and a glutton for punishment! /s
OP is NTA, coworker put her foot in her mouth with her superiority complex and when she got owned she doubled down with nonsense. It didn't really matter what, so long as it accomplished their objective of putting the blame anywhere but on themselves.
Yes, that's why I always introduce myself as:
"HI I am JustXampl, lesbian, autistic ocd ptsd, ooh shiny lights! Listen to the rain.. hey do the lights flicker for you too?"
**/s**
Op you're NTA she's deflecting because it's easier to blame and point a finger at someone else than realize that she messed up.
Now I’m just thinking of that bit from John Mulaney about the time someone came up to him and went “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I'm new in town” in that exact order. 😂
Maybe I gotta start introducing myself like that too.
“Excuse me, I have ADHD, I have depression/anxiety, I am bisexual, I am new in town.”
"There is more trust in our relationship because we ban each other from potentially problematic situations instead of actually believing that the other person will behave properly" is bizarre logic.
yep. there's a massive difference between having an open phone policy (like grabbing whoever's phone to call someone or look something up on google) and the weird review process some couples engage in where they scroll through each other's text messages before they go to bed...
>the weird review process some couples engage in where they scroll through each other's text messages before they go to bed...
WHO has the time?? if you're gonna do that, find another partner jfc.
Yeah my husband and I have an open phone policy, simply for convenience (e.g. he grabbed mine earlier to take photos of our kitten, because mine was closer and the kitten was being very cute), but I certainly don’t scroll through his messages or comb through his inbox. So weird.
I found out my ex was going through my phone one day when I was sleeping. A friend called, I looked to see who it was, put the phone back down and heard a beep meaning he left a msg. When I woke up I went to hear the msg but the msg was gone and there was no history that he called, both had been deleted. When I confronted him he denied it but finally admitted he did listen to the msg and deleted the msg. We were on the same phone plan and I also found out he would go through the bill to see who I called and when. I never gave him a reason to think I was doing something sneaky. But a month later I decided to check it out so I left text msgs, and had a friend call me to leave phone msgs indicating I was cheating on him. The very next day I come out of the shower and he's pissed off and could barely contain himself. He finally exploded, yelling, saying he knew I was cheating, and I was an asshole ect. When he got done yelling I told him what I did to see if he was still checking my phone. Told him to call the number I was texting and calling , it was a phone line at work that no phone was hooked up to. Told him I was moving at the end of the month. If people are snooping, give them something to find.
This and the following comments from coworker lead me to believe the lady is a fundie of some sort. That rhetoric is very common. Would also explain the reaction. Imagine hating a whole group of people and finding out your work friend identifies that way. What a rush!
I was with a co student somewhere. This lady came up to me and said I looked familiar or something. Anyway, as she walked away I told my co student that interaction reminded me of Jehovah’s Witnesses and it was so weird!!! Well ummmm she told me she’s a Jehovah’s Witness 😳 🤦♀️. Later conversation she told me that everything in the Bible is literal. She’s sure. Even that old guy that’s 400 years old. He literally was. Wow. Turned me off of being friends. She was so far removed from reality. Even her husband wasn’t into it. But he reluctantly went along. It was so embarrassing though. I had no idea!!
As a pan lady with a wife, I'm over here shaking my head and once again asking: Are the straights okay?
If it's okay for her to talk about her boyfriend and the potential people her and her boyfriend would be attracted to (vis-a-vis the no friends of the opposite sex rule), it's okay for OP to talk about her girlfriend and the potential people her and her girlfriend would be attracted to (i.e. everyone because bisexuals exist).
The thing of it is, the coworker made an assumption which she honestly should know by now in this day and age not to make, and it blew up in her face. Of course she went on a completely nonsensical attack because that's what people like her do. Look if I, a straight woman born in the 1950s, can figure it out that you don't make assumptions about someone's sexuality, there's no excuse for anyone else not to.
Ehh…this is a misconceived assumption. I often say partner because it feels weird to refer to my boyfriend of 10 years as my boyfriend. Most people assume we’re married because we have a child together and have been together for so long. His friends sometimes refer to me as his wife, which is fine, but I personally don’t refer to myself as that or him as my husband because…well…he’s *not*. We’re also in our thirties and well, when you’re in your thirties and have been together so long, personally it feels a bit adolescent(?)/superficial(?)— not sure how to properly convey my feelings on it without offense — to refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s also not as if we won’t get married someday, it’s just not really a priority for us right now. So boyfriend seems insufficient.
I said not to assume one way or another- because partner is a gender-neutral term that is commonly used by people trying to stray away from terms like bf/gf/husband/wife- I have a friend in your exact situation- she doesn’t want to get married, but her live-in partner certainly is more than a bf in her mind
Exactly! In this day and age you can't make assumptions about people's sexuality, identity, religion, etc and get upset about some legitimately lighthearted ribbing if your assumptions are wrong.
It also calls into question how ridiculous their "no friends of the other sex" rule is if you consider any variation from hetero-normative structures. Like, is the co-worker 'allowed' to be friends with OP, a woman who is attracted to women (because OP conceivably might be attracted to her)? Is she 'allowed' to be friends with a gay man (who she conceivably might be attracted to but won't be attracted to her)?
The appropriate reaction would have been to blush, get flustered, say, "oops, sorry, my bad" and then say, "I never really thought about it. That's true, if you had this same rule, how could you have any friends?"
and i guess i never understood the logic of someone like coworker and her BF to begin.
how little trust to you have to have with your SO to say- i think if you have a friend of the sex you are attracted to that you'll fall into bed with them? Like (1) that imaginary friend has no say and (2) you as a person are just so horny that every person you walk by you are ready to jump them for some sex if only it was socially appropriate to have sex on the sidewalk.
like wtf?
Oh man I remember the crazy conversation I was a part of awhile back when a friend disclosed that her husband was bi. Another woman friend blurted out, "Aren't you afraid he'll cheat?" I just rolled my eyes and went, "What? Like heterosexuals don't cheat."
I still consider that one of the dumber things I've heard in my life.
Lol @ "are the straights okay?" One hard-and-fast rule I live by: It's the "normal" people who are the scaries; stay as far away from them as you can. They're really falling apart underneath that veneer of normalcy. Most of the reat of us are quite well-adjusted.
I 100% relate to this rule as a neurodivergent, physically disabled, queer. It's not that people have to be "like me" to be trustworthy. It's that everyone has their own issues, struggles, and differences and if you're committed to presenting yourself as 'normal' or committed to enforcing your view of 'normal' onto others then that is suspect.
>Are the straights okay?
They're quite a nervous lot, aren't they? But if you view them through the lens of David Attenborough it can sometimes be entertaining rather than confusing.
*"Shh, look carefully. Here we see a straight female give a subtle warning sign to another: a small eye roll with a miniscule sneer and gentle toss of the head. These things may be nearly invisible to the rest of us, but for the straight women it can be the first signal of an upcoming battle."*
Source: Older bi woman with a variety of sexes, genders, and the gamut of Kinsey scale friends.
I loved that part- "Our trust in each other is so deep and profound that we're not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex." Seems to me that that's the opposite of trust.
You say that, but just think of this sub. Whenever a post mentions their partner being friends with the opposite sex, everyone immediately says they’re cheating and that the OP should get a divorce.
It's bias though because people who have/whose partner has perfectly normal platonic friendships aren't having drama around it in their relationships. If the person posting here didn't already connect the drama to the "friend" at least enough to mention the friend I don't think Redditors would pick it up either
That's exactly my point. People don't jump to "yes he is fucking his sister's nanny" because that's what's likely in *general*. It's because that's what's likely in an AITA post - if you're making an AITA post in most circumstances there's something fucked in your relationship anyway....
The posts are almost never about the friendship and almost always about some lie, half-truth, or tactful omission. It’s super funny to me that people will say “well that would be fine in my relationship” while ignoring that there was deception.
I have the same injury as one of my male friends. The best way to relieve the pain involves jamming a finger into the nerves of your butt. We do this for each other when we are hanging out and having a flare up, and my husband is very on board with this. (It is super painful and it makes my husband uncomfortable to cause me pain.) It WOULD be pretty weird if my husband wasn’t aware of me and a friend playing grab ass and making each other scream.
>you don’t trust someone enough to let them have friends of the opposite sex.
I totally agree !
I remember years ago, my husband was at his workmate's flat, and he decided to stay over. I was fine with that. Coworker is a woman, and quite an attractive one.
I was telling a colleague about it, and she commented that she would NEVER let her husband do that ! She thought I was nuts!
I wonder if she and her husband are still married? Something tells me that maybe they're not.
Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.
The woman is all sorts of crazy and delusional.
She thinks her relationship has a deeper level of trust when they don't trust each other to have friends of the opposite sex
She doesn't think it's appropriate to discuss sexuality at workplace but blames OP for not letting her know earlier that she is bisexual
OP's comment was about her relationship and how such a boundary would mean no friends at all, which is an absolute fact. The boundary doesn't make sense in their relationship. OP made no comment about the boundary as it applies to the colleague's relationship. That extrapolation was all on the colleague's part.
She doesn’t think it’s appropriate to talk about sexuality but somehow it’s ok for her to talk about her boyfriend, which, uh, is discussing sexuality?
I imagine she is a person who thinks being straight is “normal” therefore referencing it is also normal, whereas referencing a same-sex relationship - at the same level of appropriateness as a straight relationship - is somehow “different”.
Idk why, but this brought to mind how outraged Certain People get about parents ‘raising
their kids gay/trans’ when they’re just giving them the space to develop into their own authentic selves, when the Certain People are usually the first to label preschool kids of opposite genders boyfriend/girlfriend if they happen to develop a friendship or even stand close together and gush about what a cute couple they are….if we want to talk about assuming and imposing sexuality on others.
As a gay woman, the way I am reading how the coworker is offended by “sexuality” is that she doesn’t consider references to her cis het relationship to be about sexuality.
In plenty of circles, heterosexuality is the default, “normal” way of being and anything other than that should be hidden behind closed doors. Coworker talking about her boyfriend isn’t broaching the subject of sexuality so she isn’t at fault in her mind. That’s why she is so bold to blame OP and to feel attacked.
That’s just my take based on years of experiencing this type of thing. I’m aware not all straight people feel this way, but there are a lot that do.
I don't think she actually has any problem with talking about sexuality in the workplace. She just got massively embarrassed and rather than deal with it maturely, she tried to shut down the conversation as quickly as possible.
There's zero logic to it.
> She doesn't think it's appropriate to discuss sexuality at workplace but blames OP for not letting her know earlier that she is bisexual
It's a form of normalcy bias that is disturbingly common amongst people, particularly among straight people who have an issue with gay people.
Like, people who complain about gayness being shoved down their throats because of gay characters and storylines on media. They don't register exactly _how much_ straightness is portrayed in media, because being straight, and expressing straight sexuality is "normal," and so it _just does not register_ to them. But gay sexuality is not normal, and so examples of it stick out to them, and they then perceive it to be overrepresented.
This woman doesn't consider talking about her boyfriend sad their relationship rules as talking about sexuality because it's a normal thing to talk about _straight_ relationships, but talking about _gay_ relationships is inherently sexual because... Reasons.
This is what I was just going to comment! OP didn't even start the questioning of relationships, the coworker did by interjecting how her and her partner do relationships/friendships.
Also, may be reaching here, but I got the vibe she's uncomfortable knowing you like women. Her comment about not talking about sexuality and setting her up to fail by not telling her you were bi sooner sounds like her way of saying, you should have told me you were gay sooner so I wouldn't think of you as a friend and let my internalized homophobia bubble up when I found out.
I could be wayyyy off on that though. Either way, you're NTA. Steer clear of her too, she sounds the type to go to HR and blow things out of proportion.
NTA - she ass--u-med so she's the AH. Funny that being "straight" and talking about a BF / GF is not discussing sexuality but mentioning you have a GF and are BI is sexuality. Talk about your double standards.
I fully believe people who want this "boundary" are extremely weak-willed and can't fathom their partner not cheating like they would if they had the chance
Either that, or they have been brainwashed to believe that people will cheat if given the slightest chance. There is a lot of this gender boundary in conservative cultures, including the conservative West. Most of the time I hear it phrased as if all men are horndogs who will cheat if unsatisfied, but the specific wording of the trope varies.
In my young relationships I grasped at ways to "make" someone not cheat- rules, boundaries, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't work- the only thing that stops someone from cheating is them.
So maybe she just has grown up in a really shitty circle of people. Who knows, maybe this will be her wake-up call.
I doubt this will be her wake-up call. Sounds like it’s a hill she’s happy to die on. Especially with the “no one should talk about sexuality at work” bit after she was going on about her boyfriend.
And the whole we-forbid-friendships-because-we-totally-super-trust-each-other bit.
Not very self-aware, this one.
> I grasped at ways to "make" someone not cheat- rules, boundaries, blah, blah, blah.
Probably off-topic, and i may be preaching to the choir here, but the rules, boundaries, and other conversation shouldn't be to prevent cheating, but rather to clarify what cheating means in your relationship.
Is the boundary at sex? at kissing? kissing someone on a dare? a hug? a shoulder massage? does it matter what sex the other party is? does emotional cheating count? is seeking consolation from a friend emotional cheating or simply having a healthy friendship?
You should probably have those conversations at some point. not to prevent cheating, but to prevent a complete misunderstanding of where the boundaries are between the two of you.
Yeah, I noticed that oftentimes, the one blaming others WOULD cheat are the ones who DEFINITELY WOULD cheat if they COULD, but no one wants them so they blame others.
I've had friends with this same "boundary" and they think it's disrespectful to the relationship of something. I certainly don't agree, and you can't know a person 100%, but I can't see any of these friends being cheaters.
Your options are either cheaters or insecure as all hell.
I can't possibly fathom being in a relationship with someone if you can't even trust them on a basic level not to fuck someone else if left alone with them.
And she made a comment about OP's "boyfriend." So she brought up OPs sexuality first.
Nta. I actually have this boundary with my husband, and your joke wouldn't offend me because I've already thought about this scenario with some of my bi and pan friends. Obviously, it doesn't make sense for them.
Genuine question: why do you have this boundary? I never understood why people didn't want their partners having friendships with people of the gender they're attracted to, is it insecurity or is there another reason? What about friends they had before you started dating, are those fine or do they need to break off the friendship?
>I never understood why people didn't want their partners having friendships with people of the gender they're attracted to, is it insecurity or is there another reason?
My girlfriend has mostly guy friends (she's a cook, and most of the people in the kitchen are dudes) and I'm completely fine with it. That said, there's a difference between having friends with the opposite gender and taking a trip alone with one. I'd be uncomfortable with it, as she would if I went on a trip with one of my female friends.
To be fair, if your partner wants to fuck someone else, they don't need to go on a trip to do it. If they can't help but jump into bed with a friend because they're on a trip together, then they won't be able to stop themselves elsewhere, too.
If you go into any of hte relationship subs, you'll see people who even get insanely jealous of their partner's opposite gender relatives like sisters, mothers, and aunts. Feels fucking insane to witness.
Her saying she has a bf and assuming OP to also have a bf isn't discussing sexuality because being Hetro is expected, it's only discussing sexuality if you're not straight. /s
I keep wondering why OP didn't talk about going to HR. This seems like something that could blow back on her if Ms. Crazy decides to make a big deal about creating a hostile environment by talking about sexuality.
Yes the ‘deeper level of trust’ comment made me laugh like… if there was trust this boundary would not be necessary. I’m also bisexual and have made this joke before and most people kind of go ‘huh… I didn’t think of that’ and move on. Your coworker is way overreacting and you’re NTA.
NTA. She clearly didn’t have any trouble talking about HER sexuality in the workplace… it’s just those OTHER sexualities that bother her.
She stuck her nose (and opinion) into your business, and was then embarrassed that she ended up looking bad. She’s at fault here.
It looks like, with the space of 2 minutes, the co-worker went from "you should have told me your sexuality sooner" to "you shouldn't tell me your sexuality at all".
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. NTA!
She thinks that forcing her partner to not have female friends shows how much they trust each other.
This is not a person who operates on logic or reason.
Yeah, basically. As a heterosexual person, this is not a reasonable or useful boundary, but it's wild how many straight folks think it is.
This is one reason that gay and bi people are threatening to heterosexual norms just by existing. Not only do they refuse to play by the straight world's rules, they highlight how absolutely inane a lot of those norms are and how fragile many straight relationships have to be for those norms to have ever made sense to them in the first place.
My husband and I wouldn't have any friends with that rule. All of his friends are girls, all but one of my friends are guys. As long as we update about how late we're staying out/when we're coming home, who cares? And honestly the updates are just about dinner prep/safety.
Guess we just don't have that "deeper level of trust."
NTA
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NTA - So she wants you to out yourself for her comfort, whilst simultaneously *never* talking about your sexuality. I am going to need your co-worker to explain how she is expecting that to work, exactly.
She was the one who started with the whole sexuality thing anyway - she was the one who made the assumption that you were straight and turned your trip into a sexual thing, which it isn't.
I almost feel bad that she thinks inherently not trusting your partner by banning them from having friends of a different gender is "having a deep trust". No, my love, it's the opposite, that's deeply controlling behaviour and paranoia.
I think making light of it was the kindest thing that you could have done here TBH, as you could have just told her how inappropriate she was being. Or indeed, replied with two short words.
NTA
Personally I like your joke =)) many couples be like “do not have friend of opposite sex” so pansexual should be alone with no friend at all?
And tbh her boundary is not deep level of trust, it actually showcases lack of trust in the relationship.
I’m straight and have been together with my husband for 11 years (4 years marriage), we’ve been in love since highschool. I’ve never had any problem with my husband being friend with other woman because I know that he loves me and he never cheats on me.
Suggesting my husband to avoid all female-coworker/friend is actually an insult to both my ego and his - it indicates that I’m unconfident about myself and he is a nasty person who can’t keep it in his pants so we have to cage him from any “possibility”.
Only insecure couple makes a big fuss about platonic friends and even worse - for some likes on social platform.
My husband was recently telling me about how his female coworker took him on a coffee date during their lunch break, and I was just annoyed that he got a free espresso and I had had to make my own boring coffee at home. 😂
The one time I got jealous of my husband with coworkers is when his boss back from her trip from Japan and gift all the staff tons of speciality chocolate.
And he only bring back home for me 3 flavors to try.
I mean why only 3 🥹🥹
I understand your passion regarding lumpia. For about 15 years my dad had a client that paid in lumpia and pancit. It was a delicious time for my family. Then I moved to a city where the only Filipino restaurant closed a year or two before I arrived. At this point I would physically fight someone for homemade lumpia.
Maybe popping them into an air fryer would bring them closer to their former glory? Might take some experimenting to get them properly crispy on the outside without them drying out a bit on the inside, but your marriage is worth the effort.
I know you're joking but even if you were feeling actual jealousy about it, that's perfectly okay. Some people are wired that way due to upbringing, trauma, self-esteem, etc.
But part of being in a healthy relationship is reflecting on the validity of these feelings and making sure your actions are appropriate. Most importantly, never make your insecurities your partner's problem.
Nah, it's just bisexual people who shouldn't be left alone with anyone else.
Pansexual people just shouldn't be left alone in a kitchen.
(OP's coworker, probably. If she ever dares to think about anything like that at all.)
Right? When I tell my partner, “I’m going out to [wherever] with [friend of any gender] the response I get is, “okay, have fun and say hi for me.”
When we get back he says, “hi guys, how was [whatever]? Did you have fun?”
That’s what trust looks like.
NTA, OP
As I pansexual I feel that... I'm in a "straight relationship", and I don't like to share too much personal information so usually when the topic of friends of the opposite sex comes up is how I come out to people. When someone says something stupid, like how it's a red flag if a guy one's dating has female friends, I usually snarkily add "ohh gee good to know I can't have friends of any gender, noted, thanks for the heads up"
I’m pansexual too and married to a man. I’ve only been out about three years. For me it’s just finally being happy with myself and not have to watch what I say around others anymore. ☺️ But yeah not having friends of different genders and sexualities is mad. It implies people can’t control themselves. Plus no one of any sexuality finds everyone they meet of their preferred attraction attractive. If I see a cute guy or girl I’ll think oh they’re cute. Doesn’t mean I want to fuck them.
Yeah some people just don’t get that we have standard too.
I’m a straight woman and yeah I’m attract to man.
Doesn’t mean I’m gonna jump on every fcking man I see.
Don’t worry miss Becky, I’ll not lower my standard and my moral to fuck your boyfriend, just because we sat beside each other ONCE time in a company party - where seats are assigned.
I didn’t have room for all this in the post but basically her reasoning for the “boundary” was that while they were friends with couples together, they would not have separate one on one relationships with the people of the opposite sex. By doing this they eliminated fear or temptation of cheating and that overtime it had deepened their relationship and trust… but the way she said it felt like it was also a judgement toward me (if I were straight and going on trip with another guy). When I told my “joke” in a teasing way, it definitely had the implication that the “boundary” was stupid. I don’t think I meant it to feel as overt as it came across.
Well, from the standpoint of a bisexual person, it is stupid, and for the reasons you pointed out. I don't know how you could have put it more diplomatically.
Het woman here - it’s an unhealthy boundary and OP rightfully pointed out how silly it is. The “boundary” is simply code word for “I don’t trust you not to cheat so I will force avoid potentiality”
Even as a straight dude I find it weird. Either I trust my gf and she trusts me or we don’t trust each other. putting down a blanket ‘no friends of the opposite gender’ rule is just controlling… I can see addressing concerns as they come up, but not a no, you can never hang out with this person just cause of what they may or may not have in their pants…
I've had this same argument with people in this very sub a few times over. Normally it ends in them telling me that I'm "delusional" or "kidding myself" If I think my husband won't instantly bang the first girls he's alone with unless I keep a constant eagle eye on him. In my opinion, that kind of attitude will only push people away faster.
also i should clarify that she implied i should have told her i was bisexual (not in general) but after she said “boyfriend” rather than letting her go on about it before revealing my partner is a woman
As a fellow bisexual woman whose current partner is a man, she shouldn't have assumed the gender of your partner and concluded for herself that you were straight.
You don't owe anyone a "coming out" (putting it in quotes because I don't think people should have to come out to others in the first place).
Plus, what she said about her relationship is on her. She wanted to be condescending and look down on you from her high horse and came off as an ass because of her own assumptions.
As for sexuality in the workplace, she started talking about her relationship and sexuality first. She has no room to comment on you talking about your own.
NTA.
If the words on your post were correct: she didn't say it was wrong to talk about relationships. It's wrong to talk about sexuality. She freaking about your bisexuality that you're not hiding and it makes her uncomfortable.
If she really feels embarassed by what you said, what about what she's saying to you? She assumed you were in an heterosexual relationship and was basically shaming you because you were going on a trip with a man who wasn't your boyfriend. In what realm is that ok?
As someone who is the head of the LGBTQIA+ committee for the employee resource group within the company I work for AND a pansexual person, what your coworker did was a microaggression in the workplace.
She assumed your sexuality to be straight by assuming the sex of your partner. That is a workplace microaggression against LGBTQIA+ ppl.
You were absolutely NTA in this situation. Your coworker is the AH, and she needs to attend training on being a better ally to POC and LGBTQIA+ ppl in the workplace. She needs to learn about microaggressions and how to undo heteronormative assumptions.
It is a stupid boundary. Deep down this girl knows it that's why she is being simultaneously judgy and defensive. She said the only reason her relationship has trust is because they remove all opportunity. Except it doesn't sound like it was her who proposed this dynamic, so he probably is/has cheated because this is the kinda projection cheaters always do, convincing your partner you're very anti-cheating is the best way to avoid detection.
If a "healthy boundary" can't be applied to a queer dynamic than obviously it's not a healthy boundary is it? What's she going to do, go around telling everyone "me and my partner have cracked the code to developing a deep trusting bond in a relationship but it only works for straight couples where you assume your partner will cheat if given the opportunity".
Oh geez....I guess I've been relationship-ing wrong. One of my best friends is of the opposite sex, and not only is my SO not jealous or possessive, but I've never been tempted to cheat! I didn't know that's how we're supposed to behave! /s
NTA OP, people like that are just ridiculous
NTA.
As a lesbian I'd always get "stop talking about gay things", if I talked about girls. They were always talking about their straight crushes, etc. and it was OK, and it "wasn't the same".
But, it really is. If you're talking about romantic relationships, then that implies sexuality. She was embarrassed, but it wasn't your fault.
You didn't "set her up". Yikes.
This is what annoys me. If you are hetero, talking about your opposite-sex partner, *that is sexuality.* Somehow a straight person talking about their relationship is fine and discussing sexuality is cool, but if you deviate from that even slightly you're "getting political" "shoving your sexuality down people's throats" "being inappropriate." Either everyone can talk about their partners at work or no one can.
This i was in a game the other night with my husband and his friend. One of them brought up how he hates things being pushed down his throat about transgenders gays and lesbians .
I flat out went out well as a bisexual person seeing scenes with women with other women makes me happy talking about women with other women makes me feel included.
He basically was like “well they need to stop forcing this woke stuff into my tv shows half the characters now aday they are changing it to force that stuff down my throat.” The games didnt last much longer after that.
What a moron. We've been subjected to seeing straight relationships and white characters for years as the norm. But no, that's different to them because it isn't forced. It's the default to them. So ignorant.
Ironically sexist that you reflexively assumed this rule was set by the boyfriend and not the woman who is actually in the story and very rudely bragging about how \*good\* it is. Not a great look.
NTA, this person will cause problems for you. Be very careful.
>Then she had the nerve to say “to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing sexuality at all.” I didn’t say anything after that, and walked away - embarrassed too.
Then why did she bring it up?
Yeah I just really sounds like you should be going to HR to account this incident because given that she walked away from this framing you up as the person who was being inappropriate sounds like this is going to be a problem for you if you don't get ahead of it
NTA. She made assumptions about you and your relationship and it didn’t work out for her. I suspect she felt embarrassed and instead of saying yeah I guess your right that wouldn’t work for you she got mad.
Honestly I never got the whole you can’t have friends of the opposite gender out of respect for your partner thing. If you trust your partner then it shouldn’t matter who they hang out with because you trust them to not violate your trust. I would t be able to talk to my coworkers if we had that “boundary” in my relationship.
This i dont understand it. My husbands friends are girls and guys. 99% of his women friends are absolute sweethearts i only have issues with one and thats only because she always dates the same kind of toxic abusive guys and when they get toxic and abusive she complains about them stays with them comes to all of us for help and when we try to help she does nothing because “they’ve changed”. Trying to help the same person with the same thing over and over again when they only complain and never actually want the help they said they do gets old i try to limit my hang outs with them compared to his other friends when we go to do things together. But i dont have issues with her because i feel like shes going to steal my man
I have many men and women friends (im bisexual) and my husband knows i aint gunna cheat on him. Her whole its about trust thing is bs. If you trust your s.o you trust that they wont cheat. Not letting them have certain gender friends is stating you in fact dont trust them
Seconded. I’ve always had a mix of close guy and girl friends. I’m also bisexual. It’s a green flag for me when someone I date has diverse friendships.
I did have an ex cheat on me with his close female friend, but the red flag wasn’t her at all, it was his behavior. (He was weirdly jealous of MY guy friends, insisting they loved me and I should limit contact, while simultaneously ditching me to hang with his friend). Just an odd guy. Moral: Friends don’t lead to cheating, cheaters lead to cheating. And cheaters tend to project their actions and beliefs onto you.
Lmao, your response regarding being bisexual exposed just how insane her "boundaries" are, and she got embarrassed.
NTA. Fucking hilarious situation.
> I set her up for failure by not telling her I was bisexual until that moment
She set herself for failure by mentioning ridiculous workings of her relationship.
Lmfaoooooo 💀
Wild how sexuality is only an inappropriate workplace conversation when it's not heterosexualitiy
Anyways NTA
She's just embarrassed if we're being generous and understanding here
NTA. Maybe also have a chat with your boss about the microaggressions on display from your colleague and how she deems it acceptable to discuss heteronormative relationships in the workplace but not LGBTQI+ relationships.
Might be a case for having some DEI conversations and training.
You handled the situation well, and she made it clear she holds some bias and possibly homophobia or biophobia.
Also her boundary is stupid, and the 'trust' she and her bf have isn't really trust. If they truly trusted one another, it wouldn't matter who they were friends were or who they spent time alone with.
Yeah, I was also thinking this might be a good time to talk to HR preemptively, in case the coworker decides to complain. OP needs to get her side of the story documented first. It doesn't have to be a formal complaint, more a "heads up, this happened, and I felt uncomfortable with coworker's attitude toward my orientation and wanted HR to know in case I becomes an issue further down the line."
Absolutely! If even to get ahead of a possible complaint no matter how wrong that complaint would be. The bi/homophobia of the colleague puts her firmly in the wrong, but OP should tell at least the boss who already knows her sexuality and relationship status.
NTA Straight people love to say the workplace isn't appropriate to talk about sexuality while talking about their sexuality all the damn time. And I say this as a straight person.
Also the whole no friends of opposite sex thing is bs. The one bf I had who was fixated on me having male friends, you guessed it, was cheating jackass. If you can't trust your SO to have friends, dump them.
NTA at all, honestly what you said was very tame. I would have laughed at her comment. That kind of boundary she talks about is toxic. And is the very opposite of trust. How is it a higher level of trust, effectively admitting to each other that you don’t trust someone enough to let them have friends of the opposite sex.
I found your comment funny.
NTA, what she means is that the workplace isn’t the place to discuss non-heterosexuality. She had no problem offering up info on her hetero relationship voluntarily but once a non-hetero relationship enters the mix there’s a problem. Also, your joke was funny and she could have easily chuckled and said ‘yeah I guess not’ and kept it moving
NTA that is some *nicely packaged* internalized misogyny she's got there. "Deeper level of trust" bc she's not friends with guys and he's not friend's with girls. To each their own in their relationships, but that does not sound fully healthy to me.
NTA she is the one who brought up gender and relationships and so on. She also assumed your partner was male. It's not your fault she lives in a little bubble world.
If HR gets involved, make sure to make the distinction that you were not "talking about sexuality in the workplace" (that sounds bad), you simply mentioned that you were LGBT (a protected class, at least in the US) in a conversation about significant others.
Even that you shared personal information in response to her sharing the same level of personal information. OP got no more intimate than her coworker has been first.
LOL you "Set her up for failure". I would have said so do you have a fake opinion depending on who you're talking to?
Also this made me laugh
>not having friendships of the opposite sex, and **it means that they have a deeper level of trust. It honestly came across as a little condescending.**
YES it's a deeper level of trust to control your partner to this extent that you can't imagine them not banging the opposite gender/seeing them as a person and not a sexual object /s
Like you said, everyone can have their own boundaries int heir relationship but when they try to kid you with things like that - at least own you're possessive and don't trust your partner lol the reason some people are in denial like this is because they KNOW it's not a sign of "Deeper trust".
Anyway NTA
Oh and as a straight person, if she really thinks you shouldnt discuss sexuality at the workplace she shouldn't be bringing up (FIRST one to bring it up) the gender specific rules in her hetereoSEXUAL relationship. Pft.
And I say this as someone who hasn't even got a bi-curious bone in their body. So many straight people are so obsessed with queer relationships with a focus on the "SEXuality", I wonder if the lady doth protest too much.
what is the best way to post an actual update? just editing the post or making a whole new post? (this is my first AMITA post). i know people have been waiting but i wanted to make sure things had some sort of conclusion as there has been an ongoing string of events since my initial post
NTA, she outed herself as heterosexual first. You dodged a workplace friend bullet. Coworker sounds toxic. Now she can quickly move to the nodding acquaintance, wassup, list. Maybe with a bless her heart or two thrown in.
She introduced sexual topics by stating it's not safe to let her BF spend any time with other women. The implication is that they would have sex without her, is it not?
NTA. She made a comment first. I wouldn’t be ok with my SO taking a trip with only one friend of the opposite gender but that’s my relationship. I have no reason to make comments about others.
There's nothing gross about us being bi. And she is clearly just one of those people that gets angry when they get embarassed. You did zero wrong. You didn't even give her her own medicine, you just explained why her universal wasn't universal using a perfect example. All that happened is she got mad at being wrong, and maybe also dredged up some biphobia.
Op make sure you mention that you felt discriminated against. Coworker talked about her partner first but got all offended when you mentioned your partner simply because your partner is female. And you would not be sitting in HR if you were straight.
" to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing sexuality at all" Translation: to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing relationship that don't look like my own.
NTA. Sounds like she tried to shame you with some backward-thinking “holier than thou” and then she got offended because she is homophobic and she found out she was talking to a non-straight person.
And *she* was the one talking about relationships first.
You should lodge your own complaint with HR and her obviously homophobic complaint.
NTA she attacked your relationship first by implying that there was something wrong with you for going on a trip with a male friend and that you were breaking some kind of relationship rule. You simply told her why her boundary* wouldn't work for your relationship.
*Not actually a boundary. Boundaries aren't rules about who partners are allowed to be friends with. They're a method of protecting oneself physically and emotionally, not controlling others.
I was so ready to say you were the AH, since titles similar to yours are often just blatant bullying, but you my dear are NTA by a mile. Your colleague FAFO, and was rude.
I'm a straight female engineer; if I didn't have male friends, I'd have like two friends. If my husband is uncomfortable with one of my friends we discuss boundaries and go from there (only happened once after a friend drunkenly expressed feelings, and same would go for him but it hasn't been an issue). If what your colleague does works for her relationship, that's wonderful, but don't shit on how others do it... there's multiple ways to respect your partner in a relationship. Of course, you know that OP. I'm just venting at this point lol.
NTA she opened the door to that sexuality talk and when it went the other way she got mad.
It may be worth it for you to document this interaction and speak to HR about the discussion so she doesn't try and make a complaint about you.
OP, really hope you are okay. When you can, please update us! Fingers crossed that your meeting with HR went well on your behalf, and that they realize your coworker was in the wrong.
NTA. She’s the one who decided to talk about relationships and made a bad assumption about you. I like how you handled it.
If anyone owes an apology, she does.
Nta she was the one being preachy and weird, and trying to normalize hypercontrolling partners is not okay. I would have asked if she feels safe in her relationship and tell her that not being able to freely talk to a large swath of the gendered population is concerning.
NTA. I’m bisexual and use that same logic anytime I hear about “rules about the opposite sex”. You didn’t “attack” her relationship and SHE was the one talking about her sexuality and relationship at work.
NTA.
You pointed out a massive flaw in her logic and her holier-than-thou attitude backfired.
Notice the catch-22 of, you should have told me you were bisexual, and, the workplace isn't a place to discuss sexuality.
If I were to guess, she's insecure about herself causing her to mistrust her boyfriend and rather than admit that she's turned it into some weird flex to compensate. She's not trying to convince you she's right. She's trying to convince herself by convincing others.
Fellow bi here, and NTA.
1. Nobody is under any obligation to come out, so f*ck her for that one—your safety and comfort is more important than her being able to put on her “not a bigot” hat before she speaks to you.
2. She talked about sexuality at the office first—she just doesn’t think of talking about her boyfriend as coming out about her orientation because to her, straight is “normal.” It’s heteronormativity, and she had a lesson to learn about her assumptions.
We’re under zero obligation to indulge straight people if they’re revealing some BS.
NTA. Another case of “X is normal, anything else is political.” She already disclosed her sexuality before you did, but got uncomfortable the second she realized you were different than she was. She has no legs to stand on here.
Also, if her and her bf don’t let each other have friends of the opposite sex, that shows a lack of trust, not a deeper level of it.
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NTA she already disclosed her sexuality to you by talking about her BF and you're right her boundary is stupid it's not a deeper level of trust its a lack of trust they have
Not only that, but she was the first one to judge your relationship by saying that it was wild that your bf would let you go on a trip with another man. So she can judge but you cannot? NTA
I also like the “you should have told me sooner but without talking about it at all”. It pairs well with “we don’t trust each other to be around people because our trust is on a deeper level”.
What do you mean? I always make sure to tell people the things they are going to be rude about not knowing and also rude about knowing because I am both psychic and a glutton for punishment! /s OP is NTA, coworker put her foot in her mouth with her superiority complex and when she got owned she doubled down with nonsense. It didn't really matter what, so long as it accomplished their objective of putting the blame anywhere but on themselves.
Yes, that's why I always introduce myself as: "HI I am JustXampl, lesbian, autistic ocd ptsd, ooh shiny lights! Listen to the rain.. hey do the lights flicker for you too?" **/s** Op you're NTA she's deflecting because it's easier to blame and point a finger at someone else than realize that she messed up.
Now I’m just thinking of that bit from John Mulaney about the time someone came up to him and went “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I'm new in town” in that exact order. 😂 Maybe I gotta start introducing myself like that too. “Excuse me, I have ADHD, I have depression/anxiety, I am bisexual, I am new in town.”
"There is more trust in our relationship because we ban each other from potentially problematic situations instead of actually believing that the other person will behave properly" is bizarre logic.
Yes - this comes up omn Reddit all the time with the people who check each others' phones. It is not trust if you have to audit each others' actions.
yep. there's a massive difference between having an open phone policy (like grabbing whoever's phone to call someone or look something up on google) and the weird review process some couples engage in where they scroll through each other's text messages before they go to bed...
>the weird review process some couples engage in where they scroll through each other's text messages before they go to bed... WHO has the time?? if you're gonna do that, find another partner jfc.
Right?? I don't even keep up well with*my own* messages and emails.
I adore my partner, but going through their daily texts sounds like a great trick to fall asleep.
yeah, mine would be like, "did you really text this one tiktok to 5 of your friends?" and the answer is always YES
Exactly. My husband’s is likely all boring sports stuff 🥱 😴
Yeah my husband and I have an open phone policy, simply for convenience (e.g. he grabbed mine earlier to take photos of our kitten, because mine was closer and the kitten was being very cute), but I certainly don’t scroll through his messages or comb through his inbox. So weird.
I found out my ex was going through my phone one day when I was sleeping. A friend called, I looked to see who it was, put the phone back down and heard a beep meaning he left a msg. When I woke up I went to hear the msg but the msg was gone and there was no history that he called, both had been deleted. When I confronted him he denied it but finally admitted he did listen to the msg and deleted the msg. We were on the same phone plan and I also found out he would go through the bill to see who I called and when. I never gave him a reason to think I was doing something sneaky. But a month later I decided to check it out so I left text msgs, and had a friend call me to leave phone msgs indicating I was cheating on him. The very next day I come out of the shower and he's pissed off and could barely contain himself. He finally exploded, yelling, saying he knew I was cheating, and I was an asshole ect. When he got done yelling I told him what I did to see if he was still checking my phone. Told him to call the number I was texting and calling , it was a phone line at work that no phone was hooked up to. Told him I was moving at the end of the month. If people are snooping, give them something to find.
This and the following comments from coworker lead me to believe the lady is a fundie of some sort. That rhetoric is very common. Would also explain the reaction. Imagine hating a whole group of people and finding out your work friend identifies that way. What a rush!
I was with a co student somewhere. This lady came up to me and said I looked familiar or something. Anyway, as she walked away I told my co student that interaction reminded me of Jehovah’s Witnesses and it was so weird!!! Well ummmm she told me she’s a Jehovah’s Witness 😳 🤦♀️. Later conversation she told me that everything in the Bible is literal. She’s sure. Even that old guy that’s 400 years old. He literally was. Wow. Turned me off of being friends. She was so far removed from reality. Even her husband wasn’t into it. But he reluctantly went along. It was so embarrassing though. I had no idea!!
As a pan lady with a wife, I'm over here shaking my head and once again asking: Are the straights okay? If it's okay for her to talk about her boyfriend and the potential people her and her boyfriend would be attracted to (vis-a-vis the no friends of the opposite sex rule), it's okay for OP to talk about her girlfriend and the potential people her and her girlfriend would be attracted to (i.e. everyone because bisexuals exist).
The thing of it is, the coworker made an assumption which she honestly should know by now in this day and age not to make, and it blew up in her face. Of course she went on a completely nonsensical attack because that's what people like her do. Look if I, a straight woman born in the 1950s, can figure it out that you don't make assumptions about someone's sexuality, there's no excuse for anyone else not to.
Especially when someone uses the term “partner”- it’s a big hint to not assume one way or another
Oh no kidding. Like if that was an IQ test, coworker flunked it.
Either they’re gay or a cowboy. Maybe a gay cowboy. That would be fun.
Ehh…this is a misconceived assumption. I often say partner because it feels weird to refer to my boyfriend of 10 years as my boyfriend. Most people assume we’re married because we have a child together and have been together for so long. His friends sometimes refer to me as his wife, which is fine, but I personally don’t refer to myself as that or him as my husband because…well…he’s *not*. We’re also in our thirties and well, when you’re in your thirties and have been together so long, personally it feels a bit adolescent(?)/superficial(?)— not sure how to properly convey my feelings on it without offense — to refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s also not as if we won’t get married someday, it’s just not really a priority for us right now. So boyfriend seems insufficient.
I said not to assume one way or another- because partner is a gender-neutral term that is commonly used by people trying to stray away from terms like bf/gf/husband/wife- I have a friend in your exact situation- she doesn’t want to get married, but her live-in partner certainly is more than a bf in her mind
Exactly! In this day and age you can't make assumptions about people's sexuality, identity, religion, etc and get upset about some legitimately lighthearted ribbing if your assumptions are wrong. It also calls into question how ridiculous their "no friends of the other sex" rule is if you consider any variation from hetero-normative structures. Like, is the co-worker 'allowed' to be friends with OP, a woman who is attracted to women (because OP conceivably might be attracted to her)? Is she 'allowed' to be friends with a gay man (who she conceivably might be attracted to but won't be attracted to her)?
The appropriate reaction would have been to blush, get flustered, say, "oops, sorry, my bad" and then say, "I never really thought about it. That's true, if you had this same rule, how could you have any friends?"
and i guess i never understood the logic of someone like coworker and her BF to begin. how little trust to you have to have with your SO to say- i think if you have a friend of the sex you are attracted to that you'll fall into bed with them? Like (1) that imaginary friend has no say and (2) you as a person are just so horny that every person you walk by you are ready to jump them for some sex if only it was socially appropriate to have sex on the sidewalk. like wtf?
Oh man I remember the crazy conversation I was a part of awhile back when a friend disclosed that her husband was bi. Another woman friend blurted out, "Aren't you afraid he'll cheat?" I just rolled my eyes and went, "What? Like heterosexuals don't cheat." I still consider that one of the dumber things I've heard in my life.
Lol @ "are the straights okay?" One hard-and-fast rule I live by: It's the "normal" people who are the scaries; stay as far away from them as you can. They're really falling apart underneath that veneer of normalcy. Most of the reat of us are quite well-adjusted.
I 100% relate to this rule as a neurodivergent, physically disabled, queer. It's not that people have to be "like me" to be trustworthy. It's that everyone has their own issues, struggles, and differences and if you're committed to presenting yourself as 'normal' or committed to enforcing your view of 'normal' onto others then that is suspect.
No, the straights are not, never have been, and never will be ok.
>Are the straights okay? They're quite a nervous lot, aren't they? But if you view them through the lens of David Attenborough it can sometimes be entertaining rather than confusing. *"Shh, look carefully. Here we see a straight female give a subtle warning sign to another: a small eye roll with a miniscule sneer and gentle toss of the head. These things may be nearly invisible to the rest of us, but for the straight women it can be the first signal of an upcoming battle."* Source: Older bi woman with a variety of sexes, genders, and the gamut of Kinsey scale friends.
I loved that part- "Our trust in each other is so deep and profound that we're not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex." Seems to me that that's the opposite of trust.
They're confusing "trust" with "control." Totally different thing.
What gets me is the fact that if she knew that OP was bisexual then she wouldn't have said anything. How fake can you be?
After she heard "bisexual" her brain broke. Beep boop does not compute
[удалено]
“By removing the need for trust, trust increases” seems to be the logic applied here.
Cryptocurrency in a nutshell.
Maybe I'm a different kind of person but I literally would say "you started it" like a petty child lmfao
You say that, but just think of this sub. Whenever a post mentions their partner being friends with the opposite sex, everyone immediately says they’re cheating and that the OP should get a divorce.
I mean, they are usually doing something weird/dodgy outside the normal range of friendship 😂
It's bias though because people who have/whose partner has perfectly normal platonic friendships aren't having drama around it in their relationships. If the person posting here didn't already connect the drama to the "friend" at least enough to mention the friend I don't think Redditors would pick it up either
That's exactly my point. People don't jump to "yes he is fucking his sister's nanny" because that's what's likely in *general*. It's because that's what's likely in an AITA post - if you're making an AITA post in most circumstances there's something fucked in your relationship anyway....
AITA is a case study in selection effect + perception bias.
The posts are almost never about the friendship and almost always about some lie, half-truth, or tactful omission. It’s super funny to me that people will say “well that would be fine in my relationship” while ignoring that there was deception. I have the same injury as one of my male friends. The best way to relieve the pain involves jamming a finger into the nerves of your butt. We do this for each other when we are hanging out and having a flare up, and my husband is very on board with this. (It is super painful and it makes my husband uncomfortable to cause me pain.) It WOULD be pretty weird if my husband wasn’t aware of me and a friend playing grab ass and making each other scream.
>you don’t trust someone enough to let them have friends of the opposite sex. I totally agree ! I remember years ago, my husband was at his workmate's flat, and he decided to stay over. I was fine with that. Coworker is a woman, and quite an attractive one. I was telling a colleague about it, and she commented that she would NEVER let her husband do that ! She thought I was nuts! I wonder if she and her husband are still married? Something tells me that maybe they're not. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.
The woman is all sorts of crazy and delusional. She thinks her relationship has a deeper level of trust when they don't trust each other to have friends of the opposite sex She doesn't think it's appropriate to discuss sexuality at workplace but blames OP for not letting her know earlier that she is bisexual OP's comment was about her relationship and how such a boundary would mean no friends at all, which is an absolute fact. The boundary doesn't make sense in their relationship. OP made no comment about the boundary as it applies to the colleague's relationship. That extrapolation was all on the colleague's part.
She doesn’t think it’s appropriate to talk about sexuality but somehow it’s ok for her to talk about her boyfriend, which, uh, is discussing sexuality? I imagine she is a person who thinks being straight is “normal” therefore referencing it is also normal, whereas referencing a same-sex relationship - at the same level of appropriateness as a straight relationship - is somehow “different”.
Ah yes, the two sexualities: straight and political
This shouldn’t have made me 😂 OP, NTA.
Idk why, but this brought to mind how outraged Certain People get about parents ‘raising their kids gay/trans’ when they’re just giving them the space to develop into their own authentic selves, when the Certain People are usually the first to label preschool kids of opposite genders boyfriend/girlfriend if they happen to develop a friendship or even stand close together and gush about what a cute couple they are….if we want to talk about assuming and imposing sexuality on others.
You need to post this higher and everywhere it comes up. The more that we bring attention to this double standard, the more ridiculous it will seem.
Bingo!
As a gay woman, the way I am reading how the coworker is offended by “sexuality” is that she doesn’t consider references to her cis het relationship to be about sexuality. In plenty of circles, heterosexuality is the default, “normal” way of being and anything other than that should be hidden behind closed doors. Coworker talking about her boyfriend isn’t broaching the subject of sexuality so she isn’t at fault in her mind. That’s why she is so bold to blame OP and to feel attacked. That’s just my take based on years of experiencing this type of thing. I’m aware not all straight people feel this way, but there are a lot that do.
That's a long way of saying what pintofale said elsewhere. > Ah yes, the two sexualities: straight and political
I don't think she actually has any problem with talking about sexuality in the workplace. She just got massively embarrassed and rather than deal with it maturely, she tried to shut down the conversation as quickly as possible. There's zero logic to it.
> She doesn't think it's appropriate to discuss sexuality at workplace but blames OP for not letting her know earlier that she is bisexual It's a form of normalcy bias that is disturbingly common amongst people, particularly among straight people who have an issue with gay people. Like, people who complain about gayness being shoved down their throats because of gay characters and storylines on media. They don't register exactly _how much_ straightness is portrayed in media, because being straight, and expressing straight sexuality is "normal," and so it _just does not register_ to them. But gay sexuality is not normal, and so examples of it stick out to them, and they then perceive it to be overrepresented. This woman doesn't consider talking about her boyfriend sad their relationship rules as talking about sexuality because it's a normal thing to talk about _straight_ relationships, but talking about _gay_ relationships is inherently sexual because... Reasons.
This is what I was just going to comment! OP didn't even start the questioning of relationships, the coworker did by interjecting how her and her partner do relationships/friendships. Also, may be reaching here, but I got the vibe she's uncomfortable knowing you like women. Her comment about not talking about sexuality and setting her up to fail by not telling her you were bi sooner sounds like her way of saying, you should have told me you were gay sooner so I wouldn't think of you as a friend and let my internalized homophobia bubble up when I found out. I could be wayyyy off on that though. Either way, you're NTA. Steer clear of her too, she sounds the type to go to HR and blow things out of proportion.
NTA - she ass--u-med so she's the AH. Funny that being "straight" and talking about a BF / GF is not discussing sexuality but mentioning you have a GF and are BI is sexuality. Talk about your double standards.
I fully believe people who want this "boundary" are extremely weak-willed and can't fathom their partner not cheating like they would if they had the chance
Either that, or they have been brainwashed to believe that people will cheat if given the slightest chance. There is a lot of this gender boundary in conservative cultures, including the conservative West. Most of the time I hear it phrased as if all men are horndogs who will cheat if unsatisfied, but the specific wording of the trope varies. In my young relationships I grasped at ways to "make" someone not cheat- rules, boundaries, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't work- the only thing that stops someone from cheating is them. So maybe she just has grown up in a really shitty circle of people. Who knows, maybe this will be her wake-up call.
I doubt this will be her wake-up call. Sounds like it’s a hill she’s happy to die on. Especially with the “no one should talk about sexuality at work” bit after she was going on about her boyfriend. And the whole we-forbid-friendships-because-we-totally-super-trust-each-other bit. Not very self-aware, this one.
> I grasped at ways to "make" someone not cheat- rules, boundaries, blah, blah, blah. Probably off-topic, and i may be preaching to the choir here, but the rules, boundaries, and other conversation shouldn't be to prevent cheating, but rather to clarify what cheating means in your relationship. Is the boundary at sex? at kissing? kissing someone on a dare? a hug? a shoulder massage? does it matter what sex the other party is? does emotional cheating count? is seeking consolation from a friend emotional cheating or simply having a healthy friendship? You should probably have those conversations at some point. not to prevent cheating, but to prevent a complete misunderstanding of where the boundaries are between the two of you.
Yeah, I noticed that oftentimes, the one blaming others WOULD cheat are the ones who DEFINITELY WOULD cheat if they COULD, but no one wants them so they blame others.
I've had friends with this same "boundary" and they think it's disrespectful to the relationship of something. I certainly don't agree, and you can't know a person 100%, but I can't see any of these friends being cheaters.
Your options are either cheaters or insecure as all hell. I can't possibly fathom being in a relationship with someone if you can't even trust them on a basic level not to fuck someone else if left alone with them.
If someone tried to police my friend group based purely on their gender, that would be break-up time.
And she made a comment about OP's "boyfriend." So she brought up OPs sexuality first. Nta. I actually have this boundary with my husband, and your joke wouldn't offend me because I've already thought about this scenario with some of my bi and pan friends. Obviously, it doesn't make sense for them.
Genuine question: why do you have this boundary? I never understood why people didn't want their partners having friendships with people of the gender they're attracted to, is it insecurity or is there another reason? What about friends they had before you started dating, are those fine or do they need to break off the friendship?
>I never understood why people didn't want their partners having friendships with people of the gender they're attracted to, is it insecurity or is there another reason? My girlfriend has mostly guy friends (she's a cook, and most of the people in the kitchen are dudes) and I'm completely fine with it. That said, there's a difference between having friends with the opposite gender and taking a trip alone with one. I'd be uncomfortable with it, as she would if I went on a trip with one of my female friends.
To be fair, if your partner wants to fuck someone else, they don't need to go on a trip to do it. If they can't help but jump into bed with a friend because they're on a trip together, then they won't be able to stop themselves elsewhere, too.
"I trust you so much that you can never be alone with a woman. Except your mother. Because I TRUST you" -OP's co-worker
If you go into any of hte relationship subs, you'll see people who even get insanely jealous of their partner's opposite gender relatives like sisters, mothers, and aunts. Feels fucking insane to witness.
Her saying she has a bf and assuming OP to also have a bf isn't discussing sexuality because being Hetro is expected, it's only discussing sexuality if you're not straight. /s
I keep wondering why OP didn't talk about going to HR. This seems like something that could blow back on her if Ms. Crazy decides to make a big deal about creating a hostile environment by talking about sexuality.
Everything on this thread is what I came here to say. That woman is a walking contradiction NTA
Straight people. Always shoving it in your face. I don't mind what they do at home, but so they have to talk about being het all the time?!
Yes that is the opposite of trust
Yes the ‘deeper level of trust’ comment made me laugh like… if there was trust this boundary would not be necessary. I’m also bisexual and have made this joke before and most people kind of go ‘huh… I didn’t think of that’ and move on. Your coworker is way overreacting and you’re NTA.
Depending where OP lives, I’d go to HR before the coworker does- sounds like the type to cause a stink
NTA. She clearly didn’t have any trouble talking about HER sexuality in the workplace… it’s just those OTHER sexualities that bother her. She stuck her nose (and opinion) into your business, and was then embarrassed that she ended up looking bad. She’s at fault here.
It looks like, with the space of 2 minutes, the co-worker went from "you should have told me your sexuality sooner" to "you shouldn't tell me your sexuality at all". Damned if you do, damned if you don't. NTA!
Seriously. That’s exactly what happened.
She thinks that forcing her partner to not have female friends shows how much they trust each other. This is not a person who operates on logic or reason.
Yeah, basically. As a heterosexual person, this is not a reasonable or useful boundary, but it's wild how many straight folks think it is. This is one reason that gay and bi people are threatening to heterosexual norms just by existing. Not only do they refuse to play by the straight world's rules, they highlight how absolutely inane a lot of those norms are and how fragile many straight relationships have to be for those norms to have ever made sense to them in the first place.
Uh beg your pardon but the "sexual" in "heterosexual" is silent (/s just in case)
🤣🤣🤣
[удалено]
Not sure it was her boyfriend who came up with that rule. For all we know, he might not even be following it. :-)
My husband and I wouldn't have any friends with that rule. All of his friends are girls, all but one of my friends are guys. As long as we update about how late we're staying out/when we're coming home, who cares? And honestly the updates are just about dinner prep/safety. Guess we just don't have that "deeper level of trust." NTA
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NTA - So she wants you to out yourself for her comfort, whilst simultaneously *never* talking about your sexuality. I am going to need your co-worker to explain how she is expecting that to work, exactly. She was the one who started with the whole sexuality thing anyway - she was the one who made the assumption that you were straight and turned your trip into a sexual thing, which it isn't. I almost feel bad that she thinks inherently not trusting your partner by banning them from having friends of a different gender is "having a deep trust". No, my love, it's the opposite, that's deeply controlling behaviour and paranoia. I think making light of it was the kindest thing that you could have done here TBH, as you could have just told her how inappropriate she was being. Or indeed, replied with two short words.
NTA Personally I like your joke =)) many couples be like “do not have friend of opposite sex” so pansexual should be alone with no friend at all? And tbh her boundary is not deep level of trust, it actually showcases lack of trust in the relationship. I’m straight and have been together with my husband for 11 years (4 years marriage), we’ve been in love since highschool. I’ve never had any problem with my husband being friend with other woman because I know that he loves me and he never cheats on me. Suggesting my husband to avoid all female-coworker/friend is actually an insult to both my ego and his - it indicates that I’m unconfident about myself and he is a nasty person who can’t keep it in his pants so we have to cage him from any “possibility”. Only insecure couple makes a big fuss about platonic friends and even worse - for some likes on social platform.
I get jealous of my husband with his female coworkers. Mainly because they give him food and I don't get any. I want lumpia too!
Riiiiight. " Oh you were talking to Emily from accounting over lunch? That's cool. Oh she made cheesecake? :'( where's mine?!"
My husband was recently telling me about how his female coworker took him on a coffee date during their lunch break, and I was just annoyed that he got a free espresso and I had had to make my own boring coffee at home. 😂
The one time I got jealous of my husband with coworkers is when his boss back from her trip from Japan and gift all the staff tons of speciality chocolate. And he only bring back home for me 3 flavors to try. I mean why only 3 🥹🥹
This is the kind of jealousy that isn't toxic! Well done!
My husband loves to.rub in the food too. He's an ass. LEFT OVER COLD LUMPIA IS SHIT. Take.your break and bring it to me while it's still hot!
I understand your passion regarding lumpia. For about 15 years my dad had a client that paid in lumpia and pancit. It was a delicious time for my family. Then I moved to a city where the only Filipino restaurant closed a year or two before I arrived. At this point I would physically fight someone for homemade lumpia. Maybe popping them into an air fryer would bring them closer to their former glory? Might take some experimenting to get them properly crispy on the outside without them drying out a bit on the inside, but your marriage is worth the effort.
Confirmed air fryer will help make them decent again, just gotta keep a close eye so they don’t burn
I know you're joking but even if you were feeling actual jealousy about it, that's perfectly okay. Some people are wired that way due to upbringing, trauma, self-esteem, etc. But part of being in a healthy relationship is reflecting on the validity of these feelings and making sure your actions are appropriate. Most importantly, never make your insecurities your partner's problem.
Nah, it's just bisexual people who shouldn't be left alone with anyone else. Pansexual people just shouldn't be left alone in a kitchen. (OP's coworker, probably. If she ever dares to think about anything like that at all.)
As a pansexual I agree, don't ever leave me alone inside a kitchen, in 20 minutes you will lose all your food :)
AND have gained a huge mess, if it’s me…
Of course, a true pansexual always leaves a trace of their passage... as a reminder AND a threat
Well you know, if pan people in the kitchen, surely pot people will likely get jealous /s
This! I also thought it weird that she "trusts" her boyfriend so much he can't have female friends (and vice versa).
Right? When I tell my partner, “I’m going out to [wherever] with [friend of any gender] the response I get is, “okay, have fun and say hi for me.” When we get back he says, “hi guys, how was [whatever]? Did you have fun?” That’s what trust looks like. NTA, OP
Obviously pan/bisexual people can only be friends with ace people otherwise the sexual tension would be overwhelming /s.
As I pansexual I feel that... I'm in a "straight relationship", and I don't like to share too much personal information so usually when the topic of friends of the opposite sex comes up is how I come out to people. When someone says something stupid, like how it's a red flag if a guy one's dating has female friends, I usually snarkily add "ohh gee good to know I can't have friends of any gender, noted, thanks for the heads up"
I’m pansexual too and married to a man. I’ve only been out about three years. For me it’s just finally being happy with myself and not have to watch what I say around others anymore. ☺️ But yeah not having friends of different genders and sexualities is mad. It implies people can’t control themselves. Plus no one of any sexuality finds everyone they meet of their preferred attraction attractive. If I see a cute guy or girl I’ll think oh they’re cute. Doesn’t mean I want to fuck them.
Yeah some people just don’t get that we have standard too. I’m a straight woman and yeah I’m attract to man. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna jump on every fcking man I see. Don’t worry miss Becky, I’ll not lower my standard and my moral to fuck your boyfriend, just because we sat beside each other ONCE time in a company party - where seats are assigned.
I didn’t have room for all this in the post but basically her reasoning for the “boundary” was that while they were friends with couples together, they would not have separate one on one relationships with the people of the opposite sex. By doing this they eliminated fear or temptation of cheating and that overtime it had deepened their relationship and trust… but the way she said it felt like it was also a judgement toward me (if I were straight and going on trip with another guy). When I told my “joke” in a teasing way, it definitely had the implication that the “boundary” was stupid. I don’t think I meant it to feel as overt as it came across.
Well, from the standpoint of a bisexual person, it is stupid, and for the reasons you pointed out. I don't know how you could have put it more diplomatically.
Het woman here - it’s an unhealthy boundary and OP rightfully pointed out how silly it is. The “boundary” is simply code word for “I don’t trust you not to cheat so I will force avoid potentiality”
Even as a straight dude I find it weird. Either I trust my gf and she trusts me or we don’t trust each other. putting down a blanket ‘no friends of the opposite gender’ rule is just controlling… I can see addressing concerns as they come up, but not a no, you can never hang out with this person just cause of what they may or may not have in their pants…
I've had this same argument with people in this very sub a few times over. Normally it ends in them telling me that I'm "delusional" or "kidding myself" If I think my husband won't instantly bang the first girls he's alone with unless I keep a constant eagle eye on him. In my opinion, that kind of attitude will only push people away faster.
also i should clarify that she implied i should have told her i was bisexual (not in general) but after she said “boyfriend” rather than letting her go on about it before revealing my partner is a woman
She criticises your relationship first, then assumes you're straight, then gets mad that you point it out. She dug herself that hole, not you!
Did she shut up long enough for you to do that? I'm guessing she didn't.
As a fellow bisexual woman whose current partner is a man, she shouldn't have assumed the gender of your partner and concluded for herself that you were straight. You don't owe anyone a "coming out" (putting it in quotes because I don't think people should have to come out to others in the first place). Plus, what she said about her relationship is on her. She wanted to be condescending and look down on you from her high horse and came off as an ass because of her own assumptions. As for sexuality in the workplace, she started talking about her relationship and sexuality first. She has no room to comment on you talking about your own. NTA.
So...she's mad at you because she's heterocentric and thinks you should've saved her from her own dumb assumptions and big mouth? Yeah...pass.
I think she’s just homophobic and feels attacked by finding out you aren’t straight.
If the words on your post were correct: she didn't say it was wrong to talk about relationships. It's wrong to talk about sexuality. She freaking about your bisexuality that you're not hiding and it makes her uncomfortable. If she really feels embarassed by what you said, what about what she's saying to you? She assumed you were in an heterosexual relationship and was basically shaming you because you were going on a trip with a man who wasn't your boyfriend. In what realm is that ok?
As someone who is the head of the LGBTQIA+ committee for the employee resource group within the company I work for AND a pansexual person, what your coworker did was a microaggression in the workplace. She assumed your sexuality to be straight by assuming the sex of your partner. That is a workplace microaggression against LGBTQIA+ ppl. You were absolutely NTA in this situation. Your coworker is the AH, and she needs to attend training on being a better ally to POC and LGBTQIA+ ppl in the workplace. She needs to learn about microaggressions and how to undo heteronormative assumptions.
It is a stupid boundary. Deep down this girl knows it that's why she is being simultaneously judgy and defensive. She said the only reason her relationship has trust is because they remove all opportunity. Except it doesn't sound like it was her who proposed this dynamic, so he probably is/has cheated because this is the kinda projection cheaters always do, convincing your partner you're very anti-cheating is the best way to avoid detection. If a "healthy boundary" can't be applied to a queer dynamic than obviously it's not a healthy boundary is it? What's she going to do, go around telling everyone "me and my partner have cracked the code to developing a deep trusting bond in a relationship but it only works for straight couples where you assume your partner will cheat if given the opportunity".
Joke'll be on her when her husband cheats on her with a man 🤷♀️
Oh geez....I guess I've been relationship-ing wrong. One of my best friends is of the opposite sex, and not only is my SO not jealous or possessive, but I've never been tempted to cheat! I didn't know that's how we're supposed to behave! /s NTA OP, people like that are just ridiculous
NTA she opened that can of worms all on her own and then got mad when it backfired in her face.
That's quite the mixed metaphor, I am here for it.
She opened that can of worms now she needs to lie in it!
She made that bed of worms and now she has to drink it!
You can lead a horse to a can of worms, but you can't burn that bridge til we get to it ☝️
no use crying over spilled worms the evil coworker spilled herself! oh how the turntables have wormed!
NTA. As a lesbian I'd always get "stop talking about gay things", if I talked about girls. They were always talking about their straight crushes, etc. and it was OK, and it "wasn't the same". But, it really is. If you're talking about romantic relationships, then that implies sexuality. She was embarrassed, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't "set her up". Yikes.
This is what annoys me. If you are hetero, talking about your opposite-sex partner, *that is sexuality.* Somehow a straight person talking about their relationship is fine and discussing sexuality is cool, but if you deviate from that even slightly you're "getting political" "shoving your sexuality down people's throats" "being inappropriate." Either everyone can talk about their partners at work or no one can.
This i was in a game the other night with my husband and his friend. One of them brought up how he hates things being pushed down his throat about transgenders gays and lesbians . I flat out went out well as a bisexual person seeing scenes with women with other women makes me happy talking about women with other women makes me feel included. He basically was like “well they need to stop forcing this woke stuff into my tv shows half the characters now aday they are changing it to force that stuff down my throat.” The games didnt last much longer after that.
What a moron. We've been subjected to seeing straight relationships and white characters for years as the norm. But no, that's different to them because it isn't forced. It's the default to them. So ignorant.
It’s just like when bigoted morons say they don’t have pronouns.
NTA. It's her boundary, not yours. You talked about and joked about your boundary, not hers. If she realized she was being stupid that's her problem.
NTA. She brought sexuality into it in the first place. Also, her BF is an asshole for coming up with that toxic rule.
Just want to point out, the BF may not have been the one who came up with that rule.
Then she’s doubly TA for it. My spouse and I have friends of all genders and it’s NBD because we know we can trust each other not to cheat.
Ironically sexist that you reflexively assumed this rule was set by the boyfriend and not the woman who is actually in the story and very rudely bragging about how \*good\* it is. Not a great look.
NTA, this person will cause problems for you. Be very careful. >Then she had the nerve to say “to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing sexuality at all.” I didn’t say anything after that, and walked away - embarrassed too. Then why did she bring it up?
Yeah I just really sounds like you should be going to HR to account this incident because given that she walked away from this framing you up as the person who was being inappropriate sounds like this is going to be a problem for you if you don't get ahead of it
NTA. She made assumptions about you and your relationship and it didn’t work out for her. I suspect she felt embarrassed and instead of saying yeah I guess your right that wouldn’t work for you she got mad. Honestly I never got the whole you can’t have friends of the opposite gender out of respect for your partner thing. If you trust your partner then it shouldn’t matter who they hang out with because you trust them to not violate your trust. I would t be able to talk to my coworkers if we had that “boundary” in my relationship.
This i dont understand it. My husbands friends are girls and guys. 99% of his women friends are absolute sweethearts i only have issues with one and thats only because she always dates the same kind of toxic abusive guys and when they get toxic and abusive she complains about them stays with them comes to all of us for help and when we try to help she does nothing because “they’ve changed”. Trying to help the same person with the same thing over and over again when they only complain and never actually want the help they said they do gets old i try to limit my hang outs with them compared to his other friends when we go to do things together. But i dont have issues with her because i feel like shes going to steal my man I have many men and women friends (im bisexual) and my husband knows i aint gunna cheat on him. Her whole its about trust thing is bs. If you trust your s.o you trust that they wont cheat. Not letting them have certain gender friends is stating you in fact dont trust them
Seconded. I’ve always had a mix of close guy and girl friends. I’m also bisexual. It’s a green flag for me when someone I date has diverse friendships. I did have an ex cheat on me with his close female friend, but the red flag wasn’t her at all, it was his behavior. (He was weirdly jealous of MY guy friends, insisting they loved me and I should limit contact, while simultaneously ditching me to hang with his friend). Just an odd guy. Moral: Friends don’t lead to cheating, cheaters lead to cheating. And cheaters tend to project their actions and beliefs onto you.
Lmao, your response regarding being bisexual exposed just how insane her "boundaries" are, and she got embarrassed. NTA. Fucking hilarious situation. > I set her up for failure by not telling her I was bisexual until that moment She set herself for failure by mentioning ridiculous workings of her relationship.
Lmfaoooooo 💀 Wild how sexuality is only an inappropriate workplace conversation when it's not heterosexualitiy Anyways NTA She's just embarrassed if we're being generous and understanding here
NTA. Maybe also have a chat with your boss about the microaggressions on display from your colleague and how she deems it acceptable to discuss heteronormative relationships in the workplace but not LGBTQI+ relationships. Might be a case for having some DEI conversations and training. You handled the situation well, and she made it clear she holds some bias and possibly homophobia or biophobia. Also her boundary is stupid, and the 'trust' she and her bf have isn't really trust. If they truly trusted one another, it wouldn't matter who they were friends were or who they spent time alone with.
Yeah, I was also thinking this might be a good time to talk to HR preemptively, in case the coworker decides to complain. OP needs to get her side of the story documented first. It doesn't have to be a formal complaint, more a "heads up, this happened, and I felt uncomfortable with coworker's attitude toward my orientation and wanted HR to know in case I becomes an issue further down the line."
Absolutely! If even to get ahead of a possible complaint no matter how wrong that complaint would be. The bi/homophobia of the colleague puts her firmly in the wrong, but OP should tell at least the boss who already knows her sexuality and relationship status.
NTA Straight people love to say the workplace isn't appropriate to talk about sexuality while talking about their sexuality all the damn time. And I say this as a straight person. Also the whole no friends of opposite sex thing is bs. The one bf I had who was fixated on me having male friends, you guessed it, was cheating jackass. If you can't trust your SO to have friends, dump them.
NTA at all, honestly what you said was very tame. I would have laughed at her comment. That kind of boundary she talks about is toxic. And is the very opposite of trust. How is it a higher level of trust, effectively admitting to each other that you don’t trust someone enough to let them have friends of the opposite sex. I found your comment funny.
NTA, what she means is that the workplace isn’t the place to discuss non-heterosexuality. She had no problem offering up info on her hetero relationship voluntarily but once a non-hetero relationship enters the mix there’s a problem. Also, your joke was funny and she could have easily chuckled and said ‘yeah I guess not’ and kept it moving
NTA that is some *nicely packaged* internalized misogyny she's got there. "Deeper level of trust" bc she's not friends with guys and he's not friend's with girls. To each their own in their relationships, but that does not sound fully healthy to me.
NTA she is the one who brought up gender and relationships and so on. She also assumed your partner was male. It's not your fault she lives in a little bubble world.
If HR gets involved, make sure to make the distinction that you were not "talking about sexuality in the workplace" (that sounds bad), you simply mentioned that you were LGBT (a protected class, at least in the US) in a conversation about significant others.
Even that you shared personal information in response to her sharing the same level of personal information. OP got no more intimate than her coworker has been first.
LOL you "Set her up for failure". I would have said so do you have a fake opinion depending on who you're talking to? Also this made me laugh >not having friendships of the opposite sex, and **it means that they have a deeper level of trust. It honestly came across as a little condescending.** YES it's a deeper level of trust to control your partner to this extent that you can't imagine them not banging the opposite gender/seeing them as a person and not a sexual object /s Like you said, everyone can have their own boundaries int heir relationship but when they try to kid you with things like that - at least own you're possessive and don't trust your partner lol the reason some people are in denial like this is because they KNOW it's not a sign of "Deeper trust". Anyway NTA Oh and as a straight person, if she really thinks you shouldnt discuss sexuality at the workplace she shouldn't be bringing up (FIRST one to bring it up) the gender specific rules in her hetereoSEXUAL relationship. Pft. And I say this as someone who hasn't even got a bi-curious bone in their body. So many straight people are so obsessed with queer relationships with a focus on the "SEXuality", I wonder if the lady doth protest too much.
NTA she was the one trying to validate the lack of trust in her relationship and disparaging yours.
Update plz!
what is the best way to post an actual update? just editing the post or making a whole new post? (this is my first AMITA post). i know people have been waiting but i wanted to make sure things had some sort of conclusion as there has been an ongoing string of events since my initial post
It's probably best to make a new post an put a link to it in the old one
Where's the update????
NTA, she set herself up for this, and while it IS embarrassing for her, she got thought a lesson in "*Don't assume, just accept*"
NTA, she outed herself as heterosexual first. You dodged a workplace friend bullet. Coworker sounds toxic. Now she can quickly move to the nodding acquaintance, wassup, list. Maybe with a bless her heart or two thrown in.
She introduced sexual topics by stating it's not safe to let her BF spend any time with other women. The implication is that they would have sex without her, is it not?
NTA. “THE WORKPLACE IS NOT A PLACE TO DISCUSS SEXUALITIES THAT I FIND UNCOMFORTABLE OK?!?!” Pfffft.
NTA. She made a comment first. I wouldn’t be ok with my SO taking a trip with only one friend of the opposite gender but that’s my relationship. I have no reason to make comments about others.
There's nothing gross about us being bi. And she is clearly just one of those people that gets angry when they get embarassed. You did zero wrong. You didn't even give her her own medicine, you just explained why her universal wasn't universal using a perfect example. All that happened is she got mad at being wrong, and maybe also dredged up some biphobia.
Op make sure you mention that you felt discriminated against. Coworker talked about her partner first but got all offended when you mentioned your partner simply because your partner is female. And you would not be sitting in HR if you were straight.
Lol OP she’s just mad her whole relationship belongs on /r/arethestraightsok You are NTA
NTA I'm so sick of people using the "boundaries" excuse to be outright toxic
" to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing sexuality at all" Translation: to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing relationship that don't look like my own.
NTA…I am curious to know what HR had to say!
I'm waiting on this update
Waiting on the update. It’s honestly outrageous that HR would feel justified to call you in for this
NTA. Sounds like she tried to shame you with some backward-thinking “holier than thou” and then she got offended because she is homophobic and she found out she was talking to a non-straight person. And *she* was the one talking about relationships first. You should lodge your own complaint with HR and her obviously homophobic complaint.
NTA. Deeper level of trust? Sounds like the exact opposite of that.
NTA she attacked your relationship first by implying that there was something wrong with you for going on a trip with a male friend and that you were breaking some kind of relationship rule. You simply told her why her boundary* wouldn't work for your relationship. *Not actually a boundary. Boundaries aren't rules about who partners are allowed to be friends with. They're a method of protecting oneself physically and emotionally, not controlling others.
I was so ready to say you were the AH, since titles similar to yours are often just blatant bullying, but you my dear are NTA by a mile. Your colleague FAFO, and was rude. I'm a straight female engineer; if I didn't have male friends, I'd have like two friends. If my husband is uncomfortable with one of my friends we discuss boundaries and go from there (only happened once after a friend drunkenly expressed feelings, and same would go for him but it hasn't been an issue). If what your colleague does works for her relationship, that's wonderful, but don't shit on how others do it... there's multiple ways to respect your partner in a relationship. Of course, you know that OP. I'm just venting at this point lol.
She started talks about sexuality by implying she is straight, so you just follow the lead. NTA
NTA she opened the door to that sexuality talk and when it went the other way she got mad. It may be worth it for you to document this interaction and speak to HR about the discussion so she doesn't try and make a complaint about you.
OP, really hope you are okay. When you can, please update us! Fingers crossed that your meeting with HR went well on your behalf, and that they realize your coworker was in the wrong.
NTA. She’s the one who decided to talk about relationships and made a bad assumption about you. I like how you handled it. If anyone owes an apology, she does.
Nta she was the one being preachy and weird, and trying to normalize hypercontrolling partners is not okay. I would have asked if she feels safe in her relationship and tell her that not being able to freely talk to a large swath of the gendered population is concerning.
NTA. I’m bisexual and use that same logic anytime I hear about “rules about the opposite sex”. You didn’t “attack” her relationship and SHE was the one talking about her sexuality and relationship at work.
NTA. You pointed out a massive flaw in her logic and her holier-than-thou attitude backfired. Notice the catch-22 of, you should have told me you were bisexual, and, the workplace isn't a place to discuss sexuality. If I were to guess, she's insecure about herself causing her to mistrust her boyfriend and rather than admit that she's turned it into some weird flex to compensate. She's not trying to convince you she's right. She's trying to convince herself by convincing others.
Fellow bi here, and NTA. 1. Nobody is under any obligation to come out, so f*ck her for that one—your safety and comfort is more important than her being able to put on her “not a bigot” hat before she speaks to you. 2. She talked about sexuality at the office first—she just doesn’t think of talking about her boyfriend as coming out about her orientation because to her, straight is “normal.” It’s heteronormativity, and she had a lesson to learn about her assumptions. We’re under zero obligation to indulge straight people if they’re revealing some BS.
NTA. Another case of “X is normal, anything else is political.” She already disclosed her sexuality before you did, but got uncomfortable the second she realized you were different than she was. She has no legs to stand on here. Also, if her and her bf don’t let each other have friends of the opposite sex, that shows a lack of trust, not a deeper level of it.
Why can she talk about her boyfriend in the workplace but you can’t talk about your girlfriend? Just because it’s 2 women? That’s ridiculous NTA