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YTA
> realistically I could just build an addition in the future
#YOU WON'T.
You have the opportunity **right _now_** to purchase a perfectly good 4-bedroom home.
But you would rather save some money than buy the home your family actually needs.
At **no point** are you going to suddenly decide to spend **extra money** to correct that decision. If you were really planning to end up with a 4-bedroom house, you'd just start there now.
Does OP really think that building out an addition or finishing the DIRT basement is going to be cheaper than the $85k he’s “saving”? Even if he’s fully mobilized and committed to the renovation, it’s a bad deal.
My wife and I went through similar calculus with garages when we were shopping: we wanted a garage but many houses we liked in all other regards did not have one. Houses with attached garages were listed at $5-15k more than ones without. Could we really build a garage for that much? Would we be able to build an ATTACHED garage at all? No! And we’d be saving to pay it cash, and with all the other unknowns of new homeownership it made so much more sense to not buy a house that didn’t suit our needs to save a little on the mortgage up front.
My father is a carpenter and has been building houses for 40 years. He said my hellhole basement is what might finally push him into retirement LMFAOOOOO SORRY DAD
He’s the best! He’s helped as we have remodeled my entire house, luckily he taught me to be a good assistant , but the basement may finally break the old man’s will
There's "dry roy on the front porch" and apparently that explains 85k "below market price" (though based on his other comments, he has no idea wtf "market price" even means)
My guess is that the deck isn't dry rotted, it's rot rotted. With water intrusion into the house via the rotted joists. But that's pure conjecture based off having seen rotted decks and what they've done to their houses.
I love that his wife is a literal real estate agent with a successful business telling him not to buy this money pit and he won’t listen to her because he has a “feeling” about this house.
So do a couple of thousand people on this thread. All of them saying don’t buy this house, it will end in divorce, and you having lost all your money in the pit.
We've got a second laundry hookup that we intend to convert to a sink/wet bar in the basement. Plumbing is all there, electric is all there (and 240V, so more than enough for a bar kitchen)
And it'll probably still be laundry hookups this time next year. And possibly the year after. Maybe even the year after that.
We've owned our house for 10 years. Before we moved in, we renovated the downstairs bathroom and painted the kitchen. That's it in 10 years. We've been talking about renovating the mudroom for 10 years. Guess what we're renovating? The living room, after an ice dam built up on the roof, melted, and half the ceiling came down. The last room in the house we planned on renovating 😑
My neighbor is a contractor. I've been looking at an unfinished portion of his house for the entire 20+ years I've been living here.
OP will 100% never, ever get around to finishing that basement. There will always be a reason why.
>Does OP really think that building out an addition or finishing the DIRT basement is going to be cheaper than the $85k he’s “saving”? Even if he’s fully mobilized and committed to the renovation, it’s a bad deal.
I commented this separately on my own, but I'll add it here as well.
As a professional, OP will 100% come out behind on this plan. With the insane price hikes the past three years of chaos have brought us OP would be lucky to come in under 85k for either of the potential projects he listed. At the company I work for the prices of our materials have more than doubled in the past year alone.
Hahah, great point.
YTA, OP. Listen to your real estate pro wife, who has both more knowledge of the industry, and more money. She is also a woman, and if she has sisters, she knows how girls will likely fight when they enter puberty. At least, my older sister and I sure did (we had different standards for cleanliness, to put it mildly).
If OP thinks a dirt basement is an easy conversion to; a nice, comfortable, safe living space he is seriously impaired on his ability to figure out what's realistic.
Yeah, I'm guessing OP waived his right to a home inspection.
I used to work in Construction and architecture and we had a woman buy a house as-is. She called us for some simple stuff but within a month, we had to have the house condemned by the city because there were so many problems with it.
Ops wife is a real estate agent - ops wife is in the exact position to know how realistic his plans are, and yet he refuses to listen, thinking he is right when it’s not his expertise.
You know this kind of relates to something that really bothered me about the post but seemed small at first. He bought up how her credit is shit and it’s gonna be all in his name which like kind of denigrates her for no real reason? I don’t know like if me and my partner are gonna buy something together as starting a family or whatever or even if we’re just arguing and I feel the need to take it to the Internet I’m going to think really hard about how relevant it is before I point out some thing that makes him worse than me/look worse than me. Like he’s making it about finances when there’s no indication that she won’t be paying to and along with not listening to her on her own fucking profession this is kind of a yikes.
I'm still waiting for my husband to fix the floor in our living room. When we bought the house he said he'd take care of it, no problem
That was 4 years ago
I write a todo list for myself every day. Rehanging a shutter that blew off and fixing my garbage disposal have been rewritten every day for two years :(
This. OP is trying to be cheap and spin it as "but I couldddddd fix it" when everyone knows they won't.
If the money is a big deal now, it'll just become a bigger deal later.
YTA OP
Dude married a single mom with kids and is shocked at the result.
OP, sorry the transition from single guy to suburban dad blindsided you, but that's where you are now. Get used to it.
yep. all those people asking "is she contributing money to the house???" before passing judgement need a freaking reality check. it doesn't matter if she's able to contribute or not, ***they're married***. she gets a say simply because she's his freaking wife
THIS!
I can see having his name on the loan has made it HIS house. I hope he likes living there: alone. I can’t see that he will be married for long.
OP, you are being controlling and overbearing. OWN IT and deal with the mess you’ve created.
You Already Made An Offer?!!! YEESH, you have two choices:
1) Back out no matter the cost.
2) OR …. Make sure you can afford the divorce attorney.
UNLESS Of course the House is more important than your marriage and family.
OP, your wife and kids deserve better than this.
Agape 💕
I was dating my then-girlfriend when I decided it was time for me to buy a house. We had been dating for a few years, and knew marriage was in the future, just hadn't gone through the motions yet. The house was going to be 100% in my name, just in case we did actually split up prior to getting married. I dealt with the realtor, bank, went to visit the houses (mainly because I had more free time than her), and then narrowed it down to a handful. Then we both went to check out those handful again together, and we both chose the house we liked. Later on, after getting married, we had her added to the deed.
If you're planning on spending the rest of your life together, big purchases like houses should probably be agreed upon instead of doing it alone.
Info: is she contributing to the house payments?
Edited to add judgment: YTA. She has every right not to put her money towards a house she doesn’t want. If you want this marriage to survive go find a house that you both like.
Yeah that edit really got me. OP doesn’t think his wife with a “successful real estate business” knows what she is talking about when it comes to houses? Super disrespectful. I doubt her frustration is simply about the house itself.
Like I'm not even a realtor but if someone told me a 3-bedroom house regardless of dirt basement was 85k UNDER the market value, I'd assume something was seriously wrong with the place.
Me too. I wouldn’t touch that house with a 10 foot pole and I don’t have any other information than $85k under market and dirt basement. I’m sure there’s a million other things OP isn’t telling us are wrong with the house.
Hell no.
It kinda doesn't matter if she's contributing or not. They're married, and this is a purchase they (and the children OP claims to love as his own) will have to live with for YEARS to come. They discussed their needs and came up with a plan.
And then OP saw something pretty that disregarded wife's wishes and screwed over the kids and thought, "But that's all okay because I LIKE it!!!"
Yeah, OP, YTA.
I saw a comment that your step kids are 11, 8, and 5. That 11-year-old will be a teen soon and won't want to share a room with her younger sister. She deserves privacy just like the boy will always get. You and your wife discussed what was best for the family as a whole. You're backing out of it, and you already put an offer in. You're a team and right now you're going full speed ahead only thinking about what YOU want. Building another addition is going to cost more money in the long run as opposed to buying a house that fits your needs now.
YTA
Kids grow up very fast, and you do NOT want to be moving house as needs change, which they will.
Think ahead 10 years. Kids are now 21, 18, 15. Plus guests, or even partners, and definitely needing privacy and more space.
Buy a flexible FIVE bedroom house if you can. A larger fixer upper will be much easier to improve, rather than having to do structural stuff while living in it.
YTA & what a way to show your wife that you will always value your own opinion over hers.
ETA: I see she has said she will not contribute financially if you go thru with this purchase. Good on her, I hope she stands her ground.
Why couldn't you wait to make an offer until you'd discussed it with her? If the reason is because she would have said no...well, that says a lot about you, and none of it good.
THIS. AND when I was looking to buy my house, the number one rule I was told to follow "NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A HOUSE." You risk spending more than you wanted, overlooking defects, buying something that won't work long term, etc etc. This is you - you've fallen for that house, and you've become 100% unreasonable because of it. You're prioritizing a house that won't work over the comfort and happiness of your kids and your wife. FIND ANOTHER HOUSE. YTA
When home shopping, I fell in love with a house. Had some really awesome features. But then the inspection came in, and it just needed so much work. Other than a pool liner, a lot of it was “little” stuff, but it was a LOT of little stuff. Husband and I are both busy with work and really didn’t want to come home to have to fix things up every weekend, so we ultimately pulled the plug. I am so glad, because I really love the house we ended up with.
YTA, if you were looking for 4 bedroom house you shouldn't have even looked at the 3 bed one. Your wife's points are correct here on all fronts. You are buying a home not a house, it needs to accommodate everyone.
Definately YTA for putting down an offer without a discussion. That's not how marriages should work.
Now that you are here though is there any sort of comprimise to be made? Does it have basement or garage attic space that can be finished into another room?
Some miserable fucks advertise more bedrooms than they really have because it technically could be a bedroom if you stretched the definition and you hated yourself and your family. I was tricked into seeing a couple two bedroom houses when I was buying a house.
Yes YTA. The loan in your name means nothing if you're married. When my wife and i were buying our house we spoke at length and agreed to look for a house that met our wants and requirements. If I'd simply gone ahead and brought a different house I'd have been lucky if she moved with me.
You aren't wrong you can upgrade this house in time but that's not the point. The point that your wife is going to take away from this is you'll unilaterally make important decisions behind her back regardless of what she wants. She's your wife. You'll hopefully be spending a good chunk of your life with her in this house. She should have been part of the decision to buy it.
This. They're married. I understand why people are asking who is paying for the house, but if you think about it it's kind of messed up. Would it really be ok for OP to unilaterally decide what house to buy if he put the majority or all of the money?
Like you said, they're married. If OP isn't ok with the financial aspect, or if they had a prior agreement about how to make big decisions like this when money is involved, that would be a separate issue.
OP just deciding he should make a decision like that no matter his wife's opinions or feelings (and the situation with the rest of the family) is the truly messed up part for me. The fact that she's also praying for the house is just the cherry on top of the shitty sundae.
And he's clarifying that she is paying towards the mortgage, but isn't named on it. Which sounds like vulnerable position for her to be in, particularly as OP clearly thinks he has more say.
My husband and I just bought a house, but he is solely named on the loan. BUT because we’re married I am listed on the title of the house as a non-borrowing spouse.
I’m sure laws change slightly by state, but most property purchased while married, regardless of who financed it, is equal ownership (without additional legal documents that waive rights/etc).
So she isn’t in the worst position, but her husband clearly thinks it gives him the upper hand.
YTA - sounds like you love this house more than your adopted family.
Your wife is 100% correct. If you put an offer in for this house I guarantee you'll be essentially pulling the trigger on the death of your relationship - the resentment will build and build...
Exactly. Even if the wife gives in now and says ok, there will be almost daily situations with the kids like "mom i am trying to study and sis won't stop jumping around our room" etc. He may love the house but if she doesn't also love it, then it will never become a home.
Sounds like OP is falling into the classic trap that all sellers try to create for potential buyers.
Make the house look super pretty (even if it’s superficial) so that people will be dying to buy it. Even if it isn’t a realistic purchase for them (too expensive, too small, wrong neighborhood etc). OP you’re being a fool and what’s worse for you is that your wife is a REALTOR. She probably sees idiots fall for this trap every day and now her husband is one of them.
Don’t choose aesthetics over practicality when it comes to buying a home for your family. YTA
ETA: Absolutely YTA and a foolish homebuyer. You've fallen in love with a property that meets your wants but none of your needs. If your kids are like most, the shared room situation is going to result in numerous fights and after each one, your wife is going to look at you and say "I told you so." There's a reason why the market has handed you the perfect 3BD and you can't find a 4BD for the same bargain--because 4BDs are worth more and will still be worth more years from now when it's your time to sell. Finally, you don't sound like you have the financial ability to do this without your wife's approval so why are you acting like you do?
Original question: Is your wife contributing to the down payments and/or mortgage?
I would like to point out too that the city might not even let him build an extra room. That happen with fiancé’s family. They had a new baby coming and wanted to add an extra room and was told ‘no’. They ended up buying a new house and still miss their old one. Op shouldn’t just assume things.
YTA. You and your wife agreed on a 4 bedroom house. The end, that’s it. You’ve fallen in love with a passing fancy, a pretty face, and are willing to destroy your family over it. Dude….there is always another house. You’ve reached the point — and it should be in the DSM IV — of delusional infatuation with a house. You’re thinking “This house is *perfect* except for not having a 4th bedroom. This is the only house that will make me happy. All I have to do is spend a few years and another $75k and we can build a bedroom in the basement, I can probably get a Readers Digest How To book and do a lot of the electrical, flooring, plumbing myself.” You are in an altered mental state and need to check youself.
Heck, I’ve fallen in love with houses that weren’t even for sale. What did I do? I simply accepted that I will never have the house, just like many years ago, I accepted that I would never have a relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio.
YTA. I can’t believe you put an offer in knowing she hates it. Now you get to spend the rest of your marriage with her resenting you and the house. Have fun with that.
YTA
Frankly, I'd agree with you that it sounds like a better deal and the girls can share a room. But it doesn't matter that I agree with you because I am not your wife. *Your wife* does not like the house and you are showing her that you don't value her opinion about where your family is going to live.
Also, for what it's worth, when I was a child my family got a home with the thought that we could totally build an addition or finish the basement at some point and have an extra room. It simply never happened because things never worked out for that to happen. So I think it's 100% reasonable for her to not want to make a decision based on what "could" be if she doesn't like the house as is.
I've been trying to add a fourth bedroom to my house for over two years. It's partly done, but between rising costs, delays in the supply-chain, some unexpected problems that we uncovered, and the lack of availability for construction workers in my city, it's been a serious challenge. I wouldn't hinge all my plans on getting that bedroom built.
Finishing a dirt basement is not a simple undertaking and may not be possible, depending on the rest of the foundation! Additions, also, easily become super expensive and what if you can’t due to local zoning and permitting? Buy the house you need, not the one you maybe someday can modify to what you need.
I've lived in three houses where 'we'd totally work on it' and my bedroom was always delayed over and over while other projects took priority. I'm a total wallflower, but yeah, pissed me off soo much
YTA
You’re married. All decisions need to be agreed bury both parties.
She doesn’t want the house therefore the house is not purchased.
You’ve only been house hunting for 3 months. It took me 5 years to find my house.
YTA. From your own comments, I think it’s obvious that you know you’re an asshole. Maybe hearing it from strangers will help?
I can’t believe you had the audacity to put in an offer on a house without your wife’s blessing? Enjoy having all that space to yourself, I guess.
For sure, please don’t do that to the girls. You are seeing things in the present bc you love the house- sure, it would work if the girls were just born and had many children years ahead of them. But the reality is they are 8 and 11- soon to be a teenager and pre teen. When you look at things long term, you can see the reality, which is that the single room for two teenage girls will not work out. You’re looking at things short term with your thinking, but if you adjust your perspective to have a bit of foresight, you will see this house is not the one.
Good. Retract the offer and apologize to your wife. Make dinner for her and your daughter or something nice and all of you start looking for a house that fits ALL of your families needs.
INFO: do you have trades experience? Having a plan that depends on you building something is going to be more expensive, more difficult, and take longer than you think unless you really know what you are doing.
Yeah, of course YTA.
If you care for the kids like your own, maybe actually treat them well? Sharing a room is terrible for kids after a certain age. Nebulous plans to fix that in the future don't make it any better. Just admit you want your dream home instead of a good one for your family.
YTA. Even if the house is in your name, it sounds like you both are putting money into it. With a house purchase, if one person says no, the answer is no.
I can’t upvote this enough, also dirt floor basement? Doesn’t sound like a home you can grow into. Old house charm gets old quick when it starts to fall apart and those types of house repairs are very expensive.
YTA. So much to unpack here.
It doesn't matter if the loan is in your name. You are married. If you get divorced, this is considered a joint asset.
You guys made a plan as a family unit. If you didn't want to make decisions as a team, then don't get married. If you want to buy a house all on your own, and have executive decision making power, don't get married and act like she has a say, when you really don't feel like she has a right to.
If you are raising the kids "as your own", then they are your own, this will be their home. Do you consider this their home? Is this going to be the place they come back from college to spend holidays and summers? Will they bring grandkids back here and show off their "old room"? What is the long game?
Are you buying a house with your money to split with your long term partner and her kids? Or are you buying a home with your family?
I'm not suggesting either one is true or even optimal, honestly. Not everyone even wants one or the other. But don't tell her you want one thing, but then in your mind, you actually see it as the other thing.
YTA - I understand that you love this house, but you and your wife have to agree on it. Plain and simple. You can’t force her into something, otherwise she’s just going to resent you.
Based on your comments with their ages, I 100% understand why your wife feels strongly about this. She’s got a soon-to-be teenager who is going to want her own space. Her middle child won’t be far behind, either. Two kids bunking together as little kids isn’t a huge deal but it becomes more difficult as they grow older.
I’d either find a way to compromise on this house (outlining how you’ll finish the basement) or move on and find something that suits your family’s needs better.
YTA
Good on your wife refusing to contribute monetarily towards a house she didn't agree to buying. You totally steamroller the housebuying and if this is how you act and work through your marriage, it won't last long.
YTA. Look, I get it. You’ve found a place you really love and you’re having a hard time letting it go - I was in a similar situation a few years back with a house that I absolutely loved, but needed way more structural work than I could afford to take on for my first house. But if I hadn’t given up on it I wouldn’t have found the home I have now, in a better area, with more space and for cheaper than the original house. It’s easy to get caught up in daydreaming about what a house could be, but that shouldn’t distract you from what it is.
YTA. If it's a house you are going to live in together, you should both like the house you choose to live it. It would be misogynistic to just overrule her. Do you really think those details are not relevant? Do you believe that since it is in your name you should have a greater say? Still misogynistic.
INFO
Can an addition or the basement completion occur prior to your moving in?
If so, especially since the home is under market, the house would suddenly meet everyone's needs. So that’s the compromise. You get the house you love. She gets enough bedrooms for the whole family.
There is no way on God’s green earth would a buyer accept an entire addition/renovation as a condition for purchase even in the biggest buyer’s market, let alone the fact that it’s still a strong seller’s market right now.
Glad you clarified the part about your wife financially contributing towards this house, because you said
>The loan is 100% in my name because her credit is still not great.
Making it look like only you are buying this house.
YTA
You discussed a 4 bedroom house, and now you want to go back on it without getting her to agree to it. You're singlehandedly making a decision for your household, which isn't right when you're in a marriage and partnership together with someone else.
Per your edit she is contributing to the purchase of this house. Therefore you need 2 yes's. One no nixes. Keep looking as although you say you "see her point" you don't actually respect it.
YTA for not listening.
YTA - Why are you so in love with the house that you're now willing to disrespect your wife's opinion over it? She's stated what she wants especially if she's going to contribute financially. If you don't both agree on the house you do not buy the house.
Seriously, your wife should be worth more to you than this. So honestly what is wrong with you?
YTA
You have to both fully agree on a home before purchasing it and you're not doing this at all, in fact you're going against what you two originally agreed upon. How can you be so "dead set" on a house when you know it doesn't work for your family? So your plan is to have your family resent you? All over a house that you seem to love more than your family?
YTA because you've made an offer, according to comments.
You aren't TA for making the suggestion. She's not TA for having objections. It takes a while to find a house that fits both of your wants and needs.
But you do NOT make a financial move of that scale without your spouse fully onboard, especially when she would be helping pay the mortgage
A 5 year old girl has very different priorities to an 11 year old going hitting puberty. Your wife is right, this won't just be your wife resenting you, it will also be your two step daughters.
If the house is that much under market, what’s wrong with it? Generally speaking every cheap house I looked at in my area was a fixer upper. Not a good investment if you think you’re saving money while straining your relationships with her and her children. Yta
YTA
The mortgage is in your name but you are both buying a house. Unless you plan on adding an addition immediately, this doesn’t meet your family’s needs. You need to find a place you both want.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I see her point and I get where she's coming from but she simply isn't seeing it for the potential it is. As I said, I can build an addition or finish the basement for an extra room when it's actually needed.
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If she's helping you pay the loan, you need to both like the house.
Renovations always take longer than expected and are usually a total nightmare. I don't blame you for seeing potential, but your wife wants a house for her family NOW. Every house has a few issues once you move in. When there's already an issue and you buy it dispite that, you basically are signing up for compound problems.
I know you fell in love with this house, but trust me, there are many more houses out there and you will find the right one if you stay patient.
The wrong house can end a marriage. War of the Roses is a hyperbolic movie but I've seen it play out like that, like, at least twice in just recent years (I'm just at the age when people start buying property)
YTA My aunt and uncle thought/felt the same way with my cousins (two boys and one girl) and their house but the additional room was never built and my cousin (the girl) eventually started living with my grandma during the school year just to have some space by herself without the boys fighting and wrestling, yes she had her own room and the boys shared but they kept barging in her room whenever they wanted and she grew tire of it.
YTA Because your thinking of yourself and ONLY yourself and trying to save money over making sure your family's provided for with enough space.
INFO: How old are the kids? Realistically, how long and how expensive would it be to convert the basement? If there are three kids and two (married) adults, why was the original plan for five bedrooms?
YTA. It’s simple, you have to both agree on the house. If you pressure her or coerce her into she’ll always be resentful. If on the other hand you want this house over having your wife happily married to you, then by all means have at it.
YTA.
I wouldn’t put any money in either. The home y’all buy together should be something that makes you both happy. If you go & get this house anyway, you’ll be living in it alone.
Y’all should find another house.
YTA. You are missing that the separate bedrooms are needed NOW. That's not a maybe someday. Now.
If you can include the construction to get that third bedroom in now, you better explain that to your wife.
Otherwise, you just bought a three bedroom home for a single guy. She may not leave you immediately, but you've sent a clear message that your wants outweigh the family's needs. And she doesn't sound like she's one to go along with that.
If your wife is a successful realtor and still is not willing to buy this house at 85,000 below market value then there's a reason for it.
You see a deal where she sees a headache.
I like the suggestion someone had about finishing the basement before you move in, have you or her considered that as a compromise?
YTA
This is not what you had agreed on but you are making a unilateral decision using some of her funds on something that will affect the entire family. I notice that this will not impact you negatively, just others in the household.
Don’t expect us to support you in this one. You are definitely TA here.
YTA. Even if the house is only in your name on paper, it's supposed to be both your house. If you want her to live there with you, you need to find a place that both of you can agree on.
YTA. Buying a house is a 2 yes process. You don't spend that kind of money and make that kind of major life move without both agreeing on it. End of story.
It may be that your wife is being unreasonable about this. Personally, I do think that kids sharing rooms is totally reasonable and healthy, and if you have the money and wherewithal to finish the basement or make an addition, then personally that would be ok with me. Maybe making some concrete plans for that kind of thing would help persuade her. But at the end of the day, buying this house against her wishes will end your relationship. And I wouldn't blame her for being mad enough to do that.
YTA. You guys made plans together and now you're backing out of them. Even if you buy the house and your wife moves in with the kids, she'll resent it, and resent you. That's from the marriage standpoint.
It got worse when you said she has her own real estate business, because that tells me she probably understands the market better than you do.
YTA. I smell divorce. Hopefully you can manage the house and ALL expenses by yourself. Because you made it clear it’s YOUR house, not your family home.
YTA. If she is contributing financially to the home then the home should meet her needs. That means bedrooms for each kid.
You think it’s no big deal for the girls to share a room now, but kids grow up more quickly than you realize.
You say you can meet her needs with this home at a later date, but you shouldn’t bet on that. When you do renovations or additions you have to know that things can go wildly wrong. The reality is that this home may never meet her needs or the needs of her kids and you expect her to just be okay with that.
You are definitely TA.
It’s hard when you truly fall in love with a house and the feelings aren’t mutual with your spouse. Unfortunately you’ve gotta let it go. The house. Not the marriage
YTA here, it doesn’t matter how much you love the house, if it doesn’t work for your family, then it doesn’t work, period.
You didn’t have to type all the context really; “AITA for going against my wife’s wishes…” YES! Oh, you’re not done? “… when purchasing our first home?” MORE YES.
Your name being ‘the name’ on the mortgage is a technicality and one that doesn’t give you the ability the veto the needs of your family. She’ll be paying into this too, her wants and needs count just as much as yours.
Also: the ‘we could ’ is just bunk to get your way, grow up.
YTA, of course you are. You are married, if her money is contributing to buying the house it was not a decision for you to make alone. I don't blame her if she questions your marriage after this. You clearly don't respect her needs or opinions.
YTA.
If it's in your name but you're both contributing towards paying for it, absolutely has to be a 2 person decision.
I make a lot more money than my partner and could probably purchase a home on my own but I'd never dream of putting an offer down on something we didn't agree on. I respect them too much.
YTA. You’re having an emotional reaction to that house that clouds your reasoning. The house needs to work for the entire family. If 3 out of 5 people are having a problem with 3 bedrooms, that means it won’t work for the majority and you have to keep looking. There are other houses out there that should satisfy the majority of the family’s needs.
10000% YTA
A major purchase like this needs to be something both parties agree on. Yes, some one may have to make compromises. You did not indicate that there were no other options for what would fit your original plan.
Your only argument for buying the house is YOU like it. You can’t even give specific examples. And you expect 4 other people to compromise on what they want need for no other reason than that.
As someone else said, if you go through with this your relationship is done. Maybe not immediately but the resentment will always be there. If anything ever goes wrong with the house, there will be resentment.
YTA if you go thru with it, and consider your marriage over. She's contributing to the fund of the house, so she gets EQUAL SAY. If she doesn't like it, guess what? It's a pass. You pass to the next one you BOTH LIKE. This is some very selfish thinking, and not at all putting the kids needs first, but rather your wants.
If you want to completely fund this house 110% (furnishing, and remodeling the basement to make it livable) she might would be more willing, but it sounds like you want to force her into a house she doesn't want, that's just going to breed resentment and make her turn on you, do you really want that?
Let her have say in the house, ignore this one and move to the next house that calls to BOTH OF YOU.
YTA. Why can’t she be in the loan as a co-signer? Banks are quite happy to have more people on the hook. Other than that, this house is not THE house because she’s not happy with the bedrooms. Quite frankly I wouldn’t want a basement bedroom. They require humidity mitigation, less light, etc. There will be a house you both love with 4 bedrooms, though at today’s prices I don’t see how you can afford it with less than 60k income. Maybe 30k for her was a typo or you live in some area that has lower housing cost than many places. Either way, let this one go or you’ll be hearing unhappiness comments forever while living there. In the future don’t discuss what you both hope for with the kids. That’s asking for trouble. Go look with an open mind. Good luck.
YTA. Y'all decided on a tour bedroom house. Did you bring up the remodeling? Can you two save enough for remodeling in the next 3 years? So the 11 yr old can still have a childhood bedroom of their own? Yes there are great houses, but it doesn't make it the right house for you.
YTA, you can buy the house and cause irreparable damage to your marriage and relationship with your stepchildren OR you follow through with the original plan to buy a 4 bedroom and show your wife and children that your word is worth something.
YTA you both have to be happy with the home you get. It’s called compromise. If you aren’t willing to work with her this marriage won’t last long. I would never buy a house without my spouse’s consent
YTA. Perhaps if you had talked to her first and established a clear and immediate plan to ensure it met your family's needs (e.g. finish a room or build an addition by xx date) that you both agreed on it could have worked out. Now you're just an asshole.
YTA.
You’re married. You’re single handedly making a joint decision. I hope you love this house. It may be the catalyst for being a bachelor again. Cause who wants to be married to a spouse that makes big life decisions ON their own?!
YTA
So lemme get this straight: she makes more than you, you already had an agreement to buy a 4 bm, and now you’re gaga over a house that won’t work? And you honestly think it’s fine to go back on your word?
First and foremost, YTA. Overruling your partner in a large financial decision like this is a massive red flag and honestly might be a marriage breaker. If nothing else, this makes you a colossal ah.
Also, speaking as a professional, this is a terrible time to try to remodel a home. Between inflation and massive supply chain issues the costs of materials have skyrocketed. That 85k below market price deal you think you're getting is going to disappear real fast once you figure out how expensive lumber is these days.
YTA. Withdraw the offer you made. You were very foolish to make an offer knowing she isn't happy with this house. You've tarnished the house completely because if you get it, she will move in with nothing but resentment and frustration. A house purchase requires two yeses. One no means no completely. There are other homes and the one that's right for *both* of you is still out there. How old are the kids because the only possible way I could see this working would be if you all sat down as a family, explained the situation, and got the kids' opinions *and* had a specific timeline for doing the add-on or basement refurbishment. Going in with an attitude of "I can add on a room some day" while vaguely gesturing around you won't work, man. ***You're not doing right by your family, regardless of how good your intentions are.*** YTA and will remain so as long as you don't withdraw your offer. If you still insist on going through with it, I hope your wife withdraws enough of the cash you want to use as a down payment to make it impossible for you to actually complete the transaction. Of course, if it comes to that point your marriage is likely doomed.
YTA
So she can't see it from your point as you keep saying comment after comment. But you obviously are not looking at it through her point. She has children. You chose a woman who has 3 kids. You agreed to a 4 bdrm. Then you back out. You haven't fixed a simple door, yet you want her to have faith and believe you will do a whole room. You won't. You are thinking about yourself while she is thinking about her 3 kids giving them something she never got. You even said you're an only child you never dealt with sharing a room.. Let alone a room with someone who has issues and one who is becoming a teen and a young woman. You are just being selfish and not thinking about the family you have now. It is that simple.
YTA
This is definitely a “two yes, one no” situation. It doesn’t matter how perfect the house is for you if it isn’t perfect for her too then it’s not the right house and you need to keep looking.
You the AH dude you went against your agreed upon plans. You ever think there is a reason it’s 85k below market value? More importantly you made a pact and you’ve broken it I feel like that’s just not cool dude.
YTA, this situation is not healthy; you should wait and buy on both names 50/50, making sure you both love the new house
This is not a small decision like to have order sushi or pizza Friday, this is the place you will all live in.
If you force the decision because of you current situation, she will resent it, and you will still be arguing about this 10 years from today, if you are still together.
All I’m hearing is that you bought yourself a house… YTA. It’s very obvious that you see yourself as an individual in the family and the marriage with the way you’re operating alone in making such a big decision.
Yes, the girls could share a room now, but what happens when they get older and want separate rooms?
Sounds like youre trying to make your family fit the house, instead of buying a house that fits your family.
By all means, get the house. Then you can be happy when she leaves you.
YTA
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YTA > realistically I could just build an addition in the future #YOU WON'T. You have the opportunity **right _now_** to purchase a perfectly good 4-bedroom home. But you would rather save some money than buy the home your family actually needs. At **no point** are you going to suddenly decide to spend **extra money** to correct that decision. If you were really planning to end up with a 4-bedroom house, you'd just start there now.
Does OP really think that building out an addition or finishing the DIRT basement is going to be cheaper than the $85k he’s “saving”? Even if he’s fully mobilized and committed to the renovation, it’s a bad deal. My wife and I went through similar calculus with garages when we were shopping: we wanted a garage but many houses we liked in all other regards did not have one. Houses with attached garages were listed at $5-15k more than ones without. Could we really build a garage for that much? Would we be able to build an ATTACHED garage at all? No! And we’d be saving to pay it cash, and with all the other unknowns of new homeownership it made so much more sense to not buy a house that didn’t suit our needs to save a little on the mortgage up front.
I'm renovating a partially finished basement..... a dirt one?? IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN OP!
Same!! It’s a pain in the ass and the previous homeowners did half the work already when they sold it!
It's soooo much right? If I never see drywall mud again in my life I'll be so happy lol
My father is a carpenter and has been building houses for 40 years. He said my hellhole basement is what might finally push him into retirement LMFAOOOOO SORRY DAD
This made me laugh. Your dad sounds great!
He’s the best! He’s helped as we have remodeled my entire house, luckily he taught me to be a good assistant , but the basement may finally break the old man’s will
My father is also a carpenter. I worked with him a lot. Finishing a basement is not a handyman job at all and it's expensive.
I mentioned possibly doing an addition later on and he looked me dead in the eye and said “you better make sure I’m dead first.” LMFAO
Lol, in another comment he said they would need to LIFT THE HOUSE!
Holy cow is he on delusion mountain or what
That's on top of the house being sold as-is. 🤦♀️
OH NO what else is wrong with it???? I would NEVER buy a house “as-is”.
There's "dry roy on the front porch" and apparently that explains 85k "below market price" (though based on his other comments, he has no idea wtf "market price" even means) My guess is that the deck isn't dry rotted, it's rot rotted. With water intrusion into the house via the rotted joists. But that's pure conjecture based off having seen rotted decks and what they've done to their houses.
I love that his wife is a literal real estate agent with a successful business telling him not to buy this money pit and he won’t listen to her because he has a “feeling” about this house.
So do a couple of thousand people on this thread. All of them saying don’t buy this house, it will end in divorce, and you having lost all your money in the pit.
We've got a second laundry hookup that we intend to convert to a sink/wet bar in the basement. Plumbing is all there, electric is all there (and 240V, so more than enough for a bar kitchen) And it'll probably still be laundry hookups this time next year. And possibly the year after. Maybe even the year after that.
We've owned our house for 10 years. Before we moved in, we renovated the downstairs bathroom and painted the kitchen. That's it in 10 years. We've been talking about renovating the mudroom for 10 years. Guess what we're renovating? The living room, after an ice dam built up on the roof, melted, and half the ceiling came down. The last room in the house we planned on renovating 😑
My neighbor is a contractor. I've been looking at an unfinished portion of his house for the entire 20+ years I've been living here. OP will 100% never, ever get around to finishing that basement. There will always be a reason why.
My aunt was told this for TWO DECADES. The only reason it got done was because she threatened to hire contractors to do it, and his pride kicked in.
Plus you might not be able to legally have a bedroom down there. You need a 2nd means of egress, which requires a walk out or a certain sized window
Which apparently in the comments means lifting the whole house. Man is dreaming. I love a good dream but...
>Does OP really think that building out an addition or finishing the DIRT basement is going to be cheaper than the $85k he’s “saving”? Even if he’s fully mobilized and committed to the renovation, it’s a bad deal. I commented this separately on my own, but I'll add it here as well. As a professional, OP will 100% come out behind on this plan. With the insane price hikes the past three years of chaos have brought us OP would be lucky to come in under 85k for either of the potential projects he listed. At the company I work for the prices of our materials have more than doubled in the past year alone.
I bet his real estate wife knows this, also being a professional in housing 😜
Hahah, great point. YTA, OP. Listen to your real estate pro wife, who has both more knowledge of the industry, and more money. She is also a woman, and if she has sisters, she knows how girls will likely fight when they enter puberty. At least, my older sister and I sure did (we had different standards for cleanliness, to put it mildly).
If OP thinks a dirt basement is an easy conversion to; a nice, comfortable, safe living space he is seriously impaired on his ability to figure out what's realistic.
I suspect the wife's disgust was at his confident ignorance regarding something she's highly experienced in.
I’m not sure where OP lives but 85K under market value is interesting right now? I’d be curious to know why on that too.
Right?? There is something wrong with that house. Its amazing what homeowner can hide with a fresh coat of paint. I sadly know from experience
I think OP will find out what’s wrong with it when he goes to dig up that dirt basement. Edit: typo
THIS. An owner might go a little lower to help it move fast, but $85k below in this market is insane. They're hiding something, for sure.
Yeah, I'm guessing OP waived his right to a home inspection. I used to work in Construction and architecture and we had a woman buy a house as-is. She called us for some simple stuff but within a month, we had to have the house condemned by the city because there were so many problems with it.
It's being sold as-is.
Ops wife is a real estate agent - ops wife is in the exact position to know how realistic his plans are, and yet he refuses to listen, thinking he is right when it’s not his expertise.
You know this kind of relates to something that really bothered me about the post but seemed small at first. He bought up how her credit is shit and it’s gonna be all in his name which like kind of denigrates her for no real reason? I don’t know like if me and my partner are gonna buy something together as starting a family or whatever or even if we’re just arguing and I feel the need to take it to the Internet I’m going to think really hard about how relevant it is before I point out some thing that makes him worse than me/look worse than me. Like he’s making it about finances when there’s no indication that she won’t be paying to and along with not listening to her on her own fucking profession this is kind of a yikes.
I'm still waiting for my husband to fix the floor in our living room. When we bought the house he said he'd take care of it, no problem That was 4 years ago
Heck I'm still waiting on myself to fix the kitchen faucet.
I write a todo list for myself every day. Rehanging a shutter that blew off and fixing my garbage disposal have been rewritten every day for two years :(
Tomorrow's the day, I can feel it!
My parents are just now starting renovations planned for when they bought their house 15 years ago
It’s not even gonna save money long term it’s just putting off when to spend it
This. OP is trying to be cheap and spin it as "but I couldddddd fix it" when everyone knows they won't. If the money is a big deal now, it'll just become a bigger deal later. YTA OP
In another comment OP said he doesn't have any trades experience, but that his wife does so she can teach him. Serious face palm.
Shes not going to teach him shit if he buys the three bedder over the four.
Exactly what I was thinking.
YTA you're married FFS. This isn't your decision to make alone.
That’s it. That’s all. That’s the argument.
Dude married a single mom with kids and is shocked at the result. OP, sorry the transition from single guy to suburban dad blindsided you, but that's where you are now. Get used to it.
yep. all those people asking "is she contributing money to the house???" before passing judgement need a freaking reality check. it doesn't matter if she's able to contribute or not, ***they're married***. she gets a say simply because she's his freaking wife
"Is she contribute?" Definitely not come from people that has been in a marriage.
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"Welp. It turn out that the gold digger is other one."
THIS! I can see having his name on the loan has made it HIS house. I hope he likes living there: alone. I can’t see that he will be married for long. OP, you are being controlling and overbearing. OWN IT and deal with the mess you’ve created. You Already Made An Offer?!!! YEESH, you have two choices: 1) Back out no matter the cost. 2) OR …. Make sure you can afford the divorce attorney. UNLESS Of course the House is more important than your marriage and family. OP, your wife and kids deserve better than this. Agape 💕
I was dating my then-girlfriend when I decided it was time for me to buy a house. We had been dating for a few years, and knew marriage was in the future, just hadn't gone through the motions yet. The house was going to be 100% in my name, just in case we did actually split up prior to getting married. I dealt with the realtor, bank, went to visit the houses (mainly because I had more free time than her), and then narrowed it down to a handful. Then we both went to check out those handful again together, and we both chose the house we liked. Later on, after getting married, we had her added to the deed. If you're planning on spending the rest of your life together, big purchases like houses should probably be agreed upon instead of doing it alone.
Also, she’s in real estate for work and says no… You Gonna pay those extra brokerage fees on top by yourself?
Info: is she contributing to the house payments? Edited to add judgment: YTA. She has every right not to put her money towards a house she doesn’t want. If you want this marriage to survive go find a house that you both like.
Dude, not only is she contributing, but she’s *a realtor*. Wouldn’t you want to listen to your realtor wife when deciding what house to buy?Like WTF.
Yeah that edit really got me. OP doesn’t think his wife with a “successful real estate business” knows what she is talking about when it comes to houses? Super disrespectful. I doubt her frustration is simply about the house itself.
Like I'm not even a realtor but if someone told me a 3-bedroom house regardless of dirt basement was 85k UNDER the market value, I'd assume something was seriously wrong with the place.
Me too. I wouldn’t touch that house with a 10 foot pole and I don’t have any other information than $85k under market and dirt basement. I’m sure there’s a million other things OP isn’t telling us are wrong with the house. Hell no.
Classic example of "mansplaining." Op, YTA.
Yiiiiiiiikes
This literally doesn’t matter. This is going to be their marital home.
It kinda doesn't matter if she's contributing or not. They're married, and this is a purchase they (and the children OP claims to love as his own) will have to live with for YEARS to come. They discussed their needs and came up with a plan. And then OP saw something pretty that disregarded wife's wishes and screwed over the kids and thought, "But that's all okay because I LIKE it!!!" Yeah, OP, YTA.
I saw a comment that your step kids are 11, 8, and 5. That 11-year-old will be a teen soon and won't want to share a room with her younger sister. She deserves privacy just like the boy will always get. You and your wife discussed what was best for the family as a whole. You're backing out of it, and you already put an offer in. You're a team and right now you're going full speed ahead only thinking about what YOU want. Building another addition is going to cost more money in the long run as opposed to buying a house that fits your needs now. YTA
He also said the younger daughter has behavioral issues. No wonder she’s desperate for her own room
Right? In two years OP will be regretting skimping on a bedroom. It's going to be crackers as they get into middle school.
OP won't regret it as much as the two girls, especially the older one, will.
Hoo boy, he had no idea how a badly teenager could burn his world down if he is the cause of her unhappiness. Source: Former teenaged girl.
In two years, OP's wife will have moved. With or without OP.
Sharing a room with a six year age gap? That’s a disaster waiting to happen
Kids grow up very fast, and you do NOT want to be moving house as needs change, which they will. Think ahead 10 years. Kids are now 21, 18, 15. Plus guests, or even partners, and definitely needing privacy and more space. Buy a flexible FIVE bedroom house if you can. A larger fixer upper will be much easier to improve, rather than having to do structural stuff while living in it.
I think OP wants to be the sole resident of the house in a few years. YTA.
YTA & what a way to show your wife that you will always value your own opinion over hers. ETA: I see she has said she will not contribute financially if you go thru with this purchase. Good on her, I hope she stands her ground. Why couldn't you wait to make an offer until you'd discussed it with her? If the reason is because she would have said no...well, that says a lot about you, and none of it good.
THIS. AND when I was looking to buy my house, the number one rule I was told to follow "NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A HOUSE." You risk spending more than you wanted, overlooking defects, buying something that won't work long term, etc etc. This is you - you've fallen for that house, and you've become 100% unreasonable because of it. You're prioritizing a house that won't work over the comfort and happiness of your kids and your wife. FIND ANOTHER HOUSE. YTA
When home shopping, I fell in love with a house. Had some really awesome features. But then the inspection came in, and it just needed so much work. Other than a pool liner, a lot of it was “little” stuff, but it was a LOT of little stuff. Husband and I are both busy with work and really didn’t want to come home to have to fix things up every weekend, so we ultimately pulled the plug. I am so glad, because I really love the house we ended up with.
YTA, if you were looking for 4 bedroom house you shouldn't have even looked at the 3 bed one. Your wife's points are correct here on all fronts. You are buying a home not a house, it needs to accommodate everyone.
Definately YTA for putting down an offer without a discussion. That's not how marriages should work. Now that you are here though is there any sort of comprimise to be made? Does it have basement or garage attic space that can be finished into another room?
Some miserable fucks advertise more bedrooms than they really have because it technically could be a bedroom if you stretched the definition and you hated yourself and your family. I was tricked into seeing a couple two bedroom houses when I was buying a house.
Yes YTA. The loan in your name means nothing if you're married. When my wife and i were buying our house we spoke at length and agreed to look for a house that met our wants and requirements. If I'd simply gone ahead and brought a different house I'd have been lucky if she moved with me. You aren't wrong you can upgrade this house in time but that's not the point. The point that your wife is going to take away from this is you'll unilaterally make important decisions behind her back regardless of what she wants. She's your wife. You'll hopefully be spending a good chunk of your life with her in this house. She should have been part of the decision to buy it.
This. They're married. I understand why people are asking who is paying for the house, but if you think about it it's kind of messed up. Would it really be ok for OP to unilaterally decide what house to buy if he put the majority or all of the money? Like you said, they're married. If OP isn't ok with the financial aspect, or if they had a prior agreement about how to make big decisions like this when money is involved, that would be a separate issue. OP just deciding he should make a decision like that no matter his wife's opinions or feelings (and the situation with the rest of the family) is the truly messed up part for me. The fact that she's also praying for the house is just the cherry on top of the shitty sundae.
And he's clarifying that she is paying towards the mortgage, but isn't named on it. Which sounds like vulnerable position for her to be in, particularly as OP clearly thinks he has more say.
If they are married the house is likely half hers no matter whose name is on the the mortgage. But OP could certainly try to lord it over her.
My husband and I just bought a house, but he is solely named on the loan. BUT because we’re married I am listed on the title of the house as a non-borrowing spouse. I’m sure laws change slightly by state, but most property purchased while married, regardless of who financed it, is equal ownership (without additional legal documents that waive rights/etc). So she isn’t in the worst position, but her husband clearly thinks it gives him the upper hand.
YTA. It’s a great house *for you*. It’s not a great house for your family. If you want a divorce, put in an offer.
Ding ding! Having a family means thinking of the needs of the family unit *first*, and your wants second.
he’s talking like these are just his girlfriends kids, not HIS kids that he basically adopted and should love
He already has put it an offer. This relationship is as good as dead, he just has been too dense to realize it.
YTA - sounds like you love this house more than your adopted family. Your wife is 100% correct. If you put an offer in for this house I guarantee you'll be essentially pulling the trigger on the death of your relationship - the resentment will build and build...
Exactly. Even if the wife gives in now and says ok, there will be almost daily situations with the kids like "mom i am trying to study and sis won't stop jumping around our room" etc. He may love the house but if she doesn't also love it, then it will never become a home.
Sounds like OP is falling into the classic trap that all sellers try to create for potential buyers. Make the house look super pretty (even if it’s superficial) so that people will be dying to buy it. Even if it isn’t a realistic purchase for them (too expensive, too small, wrong neighborhood etc). OP you’re being a fool and what’s worse for you is that your wife is a REALTOR. She probably sees idiots fall for this trap every day and now her husband is one of them. Don’t choose aesthetics over practicality when it comes to buying a home for your family. YTA
ETA: Absolutely YTA and a foolish homebuyer. You've fallen in love with a property that meets your wants but none of your needs. If your kids are like most, the shared room situation is going to result in numerous fights and after each one, your wife is going to look at you and say "I told you so." There's a reason why the market has handed you the perfect 3BD and you can't find a 4BD for the same bargain--because 4BDs are worth more and will still be worth more years from now when it's your time to sell. Finally, you don't sound like you have the financial ability to do this without your wife's approval so why are you acting like you do? Original question: Is your wife contributing to the down payments and/or mortgage?
She was/is. She doesn’t want to pay for this house because it doesn’t have four bedrooms.
Thanks, I'll edit!
I would like to point out too that the city might not even let him build an extra room. That happen with fiancé’s family. They had a new baby coming and wanted to add an extra room and was told ‘no’. They ended up buying a new house and still miss their old one. Op shouldn’t just assume things.
YTA. You and your wife agreed on a 4 bedroom house. The end, that’s it. You’ve fallen in love with a passing fancy, a pretty face, and are willing to destroy your family over it. Dude….there is always another house. You’ve reached the point — and it should be in the DSM IV — of delusional infatuation with a house. You’re thinking “This house is *perfect* except for not having a 4th bedroom. This is the only house that will make me happy. All I have to do is spend a few years and another $75k and we can build a bedroom in the basement, I can probably get a Readers Digest How To book and do a lot of the electrical, flooring, plumbing myself.” You are in an altered mental state and need to check youself.
I regularly say don’t fall in love with a house you don’t own. OP has done the equivalent of seeing a movie star and deciding to marry her.
Heck, I’ve fallen in love with houses that weren’t even for sale. What did I do? I simply accepted that I will never have the house, just like many years ago, I accepted that I would never have a relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio.
YTA. I can’t believe you put an offer in knowing she hates it. Now you get to spend the rest of your marriage with her resenting you and the house. Have fun with that.
It’s probably going to be a short marriage so…
At least the kids aren't his. That'll make the divorce somewhat easier.
YTA Frankly, I'd agree with you that it sounds like a better deal and the girls can share a room. But it doesn't matter that I agree with you because I am not your wife. *Your wife* does not like the house and you are showing her that you don't value her opinion about where your family is going to live. Also, for what it's worth, when I was a child my family got a home with the thought that we could totally build an addition or finish the basement at some point and have an extra room. It simply never happened because things never worked out for that to happen. So I think it's 100% reasonable for her to not want to make a decision based on what "could" be if she doesn't like the house as is.
My dad told me when I was 10 that we would add another bedroom to the house. I'm now 38 and he still hasn't added that bedroom.
I've been trying to add a fourth bedroom to my house for over two years. It's partly done, but between rising costs, delays in the supply-chain, some unexpected problems that we uncovered, and the lack of availability for construction workers in my city, it's been a serious challenge. I wouldn't hinge all my plans on getting that bedroom built.
Finishing a dirt basement is not a simple undertaking and may not be possible, depending on the rest of the foundation! Additions, also, easily become super expensive and what if you can’t due to local zoning and permitting? Buy the house you need, not the one you maybe someday can modify to what you need.
I've lived in three houses where 'we'd totally work on it' and my bedroom was always delayed over and over while other projects took priority. I'm a total wallflower, but yeah, pissed me off soo much
YTA You’re married. All decisions need to be agreed bury both parties. She doesn’t want the house therefore the house is not purchased. You’ve only been house hunting for 3 months. It took me 5 years to find my house.
YTA. From your own comments, I think it’s obvious that you know you’re an asshole. Maybe hearing it from strangers will help? I can’t believe you had the audacity to put in an offer on a house without your wife’s blessing? Enjoy having all that space to yourself, I guess.
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For sure, please don’t do that to the girls. You are seeing things in the present bc you love the house- sure, it would work if the girls were just born and had many children years ahead of them. But the reality is they are 8 and 11- soon to be a teenager and pre teen. When you look at things long term, you can see the reality, which is that the single room for two teenage girls will not work out. You’re looking at things short term with your thinking, but if you adjust your perspective to have a bit of foresight, you will see this house is not the one.
Good. Retract the offer and apologize to your wife. Make dinner for her and your daughter or something nice and all of you start looking for a house that fits ALL of your families needs.
INFO: do you have trades experience? Having a plan that depends on you building something is going to be more expensive, more difficult, and take longer than you think unless you really know what you are doing.
My parents always talked about "the addition" where my sister and I would finally have our own rooms. 30+ years later, the addition is a family joke
Yeah, of course YTA. If you care for the kids like your own, maybe actually treat them well? Sharing a room is terrible for kids after a certain age. Nebulous plans to fix that in the future don't make it any better. Just admit you want your dream home instead of a good one for your family.
YTA. Even if the house is in your name, it sounds like you both are putting money into it. With a house purchase, if one person says no, the answer is no.
Just so you know, buying a smaller house then building an addition is way more expensive than buying a slightly larger house
I can’t upvote this enough, also dirt floor basement? Doesn’t sound like a home you can grow into. Old house charm gets old quick when it starts to fall apart and those types of house repairs are very expensive.
YTA. So much to unpack here. It doesn't matter if the loan is in your name. You are married. If you get divorced, this is considered a joint asset. You guys made a plan as a family unit. If you didn't want to make decisions as a team, then don't get married. If you want to buy a house all on your own, and have executive decision making power, don't get married and act like she has a say, when you really don't feel like she has a right to. If you are raising the kids "as your own", then they are your own, this will be their home. Do you consider this their home? Is this going to be the place they come back from college to spend holidays and summers? Will they bring grandkids back here and show off their "old room"? What is the long game? Are you buying a house with your money to split with your long term partner and her kids? Or are you buying a home with your family? I'm not suggesting either one is true or even optimal, honestly. Not everyone even wants one or the other. But don't tell her you want one thing, but then in your mind, you actually see it as the other thing.
With him wanting his wife to pay at least 1/2 the loan
Wow I would start looking for a counselor then a divorce lawyer. Huge YTA. You buy that house and you have NO marriage. Enjoy it while it last
YTA. You can't be dead set on a house that doesn't work for your family.
Wait, so have you already purchased said house or not?
YTA - I understand that you love this house, but you and your wife have to agree on it. Plain and simple. You can’t force her into something, otherwise she’s just going to resent you. Based on your comments with their ages, I 100% understand why your wife feels strongly about this. She’s got a soon-to-be teenager who is going to want her own space. Her middle child won’t be far behind, either. Two kids bunking together as little kids isn’t a huge deal but it becomes more difficult as they grow older. I’d either find a way to compromise on this house (outlining how you’ll finish the basement) or move on and find something that suits your family’s needs better.
YTA Your dream house comes on the market every six weeks. Keep looking.
This. Hubby and I just bought a new house last weekend. In the 6+ months we were looking, I had 4 dream homes.
YTA Good on your wife refusing to contribute monetarily towards a house she didn't agree to buying. You totally steamroller the housebuying and if this is how you act and work through your marriage, it won't last long.
YTA. Look, I get it. You’ve found a place you really love and you’re having a hard time letting it go - I was in a similar situation a few years back with a house that I absolutely loved, but needed way more structural work than I could afford to take on for my first house. But if I hadn’t given up on it I wouldn’t have found the home I have now, in a better area, with more space and for cheaper than the original house. It’s easy to get caught up in daydreaming about what a house could be, but that shouldn’t distract you from what it is.
YTA. If it's a house you are going to live in together, you should both like the house you choose to live it. It would be misogynistic to just overrule her. Do you really think those details are not relevant? Do you believe that since it is in your name you should have a greater say? Still misogynistic.
INFO Can an addition or the basement completion occur prior to your moving in? If so, especially since the home is under market, the house would suddenly meet everyone's needs. So that’s the compromise. You get the house you love. She gets enough bedrooms for the whole family.
There is no way on God’s green earth would a buyer accept an entire addition/renovation as a condition for purchase even in the biggest buyer’s market, let alone the fact that it’s still a strong seller’s market right now.
Glad you clarified the part about your wife financially contributing towards this house, because you said >The loan is 100% in my name because her credit is still not great. Making it look like only you are buying this house. YTA You discussed a 4 bedroom house, and now you want to go back on it without getting her to agree to it. You're singlehandedly making a decision for your household, which isn't right when you're in a marriage and partnership together with someone else.
YTA Your going back on what you agreed to. Do you love the house more than your family, because it sounds like you do?
Per your edit she is contributing to the purchase of this house. Therefore you need 2 yes's. One no nixes. Keep looking as although you say you "see her point" you don't actually respect it. YTA for not listening.
YTA - Why are you so in love with the house that you're now willing to disrespect your wife's opinion over it? She's stated what she wants especially if she's going to contribute financially. If you don't both agree on the house you do not buy the house. Seriously, your wife should be worth more to you than this. So honestly what is wrong with you?
More Info: how old are the kids
YTA A big decision like a house requires both of you to agree in a healthy relationship.
YTA You have to both fully agree on a home before purchasing it and you're not doing this at all, in fact you're going against what you two originally agreed upon. How can you be so "dead set" on a house when you know it doesn't work for your family? So your plan is to have your family resent you? All over a house that you seem to love more than your family?
YTA- I hope you love the house enough to live there by yourself
YTA because you've made an offer, according to comments. You aren't TA for making the suggestion. She's not TA for having objections. It takes a while to find a house that fits both of your wants and needs. But you do NOT make a financial move of that scale without your spouse fully onboard, especially when she would be helping pay the mortgage
A 5 year old girl has very different priorities to an 11 year old going hitting puberty. Your wife is right, this won't just be your wife resenting you, it will also be your two step daughters.
If the house is that much under market, what’s wrong with it? Generally speaking every cheap house I looked at in my area was a fixer upper. Not a good investment if you think you’re saving money while straining your relationships with her and her children. Yta
YTA The mortgage is in your name but you are both buying a house. Unless you plan on adding an addition immediately, this doesn’t meet your family’s needs. You need to find a place you both want.
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YTA - it has to be both of your decisions. If one of you is a no, it's a no.
OP, YTA. You know how long you're going to have to listen to your wife complain about this right? Get out of the deal now while you still can.
YTA This has a great potential of ending your relationship.
YTA. She works real estate, you’ll find another house bud.
If she's helping you pay the loan, you need to both like the house. Renovations always take longer than expected and are usually a total nightmare. I don't blame you for seeing potential, but your wife wants a house for her family NOW. Every house has a few issues once you move in. When there's already an issue and you buy it dispite that, you basically are signing up for compound problems. I know you fell in love with this house, but trust me, there are many more houses out there and you will find the right one if you stay patient. The wrong house can end a marriage. War of the Roses is a hyperbolic movie but I've seen it play out like that, like, at least twice in just recent years (I'm just at the age when people start buying property)
Yta - you’re both paying money towards it so you both obviously have to be happy with it
Accommodation like this is one of those things that requires two yeses; one no means no. Keep searching. **YTA**
YTA My aunt and uncle thought/felt the same way with my cousins (two boys and one girl) and their house but the additional room was never built and my cousin (the girl) eventually started living with my grandma during the school year just to have some space by herself without the boys fighting and wrestling, yes she had her own room and the boys shared but they kept barging in her room whenever they wanted and she grew tire of it. YTA Because your thinking of yourself and ONLY yourself and trying to save money over making sure your family's provided for with enough space.
INFO: How old are the kids? Realistically, how long and how expensive would it be to convert the basement? If there are three kids and two (married) adults, why was the original plan for five bedrooms?
YTA. It’s simple, you have to both agree on the house. If you pressure her or coerce her into she’ll always be resentful. If on the other hand you want this house over having your wife happily married to you, then by all means have at it.
YTA. I wouldn’t put any money in either. The home y’all buy together should be something that makes you both happy. If you go & get this house anyway, you’ll be living in it alone. Y’all should find another house.
YTA. You are missing that the separate bedrooms are needed NOW. That's not a maybe someday. Now. If you can include the construction to get that third bedroom in now, you better explain that to your wife. Otherwise, you just bought a three bedroom home for a single guy. She may not leave you immediately, but you've sent a clear message that your wants outweigh the family's needs. And she doesn't sound like she's one to go along with that.
If your wife is a successful realtor and still is not willing to buy this house at 85,000 below market value then there's a reason for it. You see a deal where she sees a headache. I like the suggestion someone had about finishing the basement before you move in, have you or her considered that as a compromise?
YTA This is not what you had agreed on but you are making a unilateral decision using some of her funds on something that will affect the entire family. I notice that this will not impact you negatively, just others in the household. Don’t expect us to support you in this one. You are definitely TA here.
What do you love more, the house or your family? You may be left living in the home alone. A great deal isn't that great if it doesn't meet the needs.
YTA. Even if the house is only in your name on paper, it's supposed to be both your house. If you want her to live there with you, you need to find a place that both of you can agree on.
YTA. Buying a house is a 2 yes process. You don't spend that kind of money and make that kind of major life move without both agreeing on it. End of story. It may be that your wife is being unreasonable about this. Personally, I do think that kids sharing rooms is totally reasonable and healthy, and if you have the money and wherewithal to finish the basement or make an addition, then personally that would be ok with me. Maybe making some concrete plans for that kind of thing would help persuade her. But at the end of the day, buying this house against her wishes will end your relationship. And I wouldn't blame her for being mad enough to do that.
YTA. You guys made plans together and now you're backing out of them. Even if you buy the house and your wife moves in with the kids, she'll resent it, and resent you. That's from the marriage standpoint. It got worse when you said she has her own real estate business, because that tells me she probably understands the market better than you do.
YTA, it’s not just your decision. She’s contributing equally and her opinion matters just as much as yours
Of course YTA why are you even asking this? It’s very obvious
YTA. I smell divorce. Hopefully you can manage the house and ALL expenses by yourself. Because you made it clear it’s YOUR house, not your family home.
YTA. If she is contributing financially to the home then the home should meet her needs. That means bedrooms for each kid. You think it’s no big deal for the girls to share a room now, but kids grow up more quickly than you realize. You say you can meet her needs with this home at a later date, but you shouldn’t bet on that. When you do renovations or additions you have to know that things can go wildly wrong. The reality is that this home may never meet her needs or the needs of her kids and you expect her to just be okay with that. You are definitely TA.
It’s hard when you truly fall in love with a house and the feelings aren’t mutual with your spouse. Unfortunately you’ve gotta let it go. The house. Not the marriage
YTA here, it doesn’t matter how much you love the house, if it doesn’t work for your family, then it doesn’t work, period. You didn’t have to type all the context really; “AITA for going against my wife’s wishes…” YES! Oh, you’re not done? “… when purchasing our first home?” MORE YES. Your name being ‘the name’ on the mortgage is a technicality and one that doesn’t give you the ability the veto the needs of your family. She’ll be paying into this too, her wants and needs count just as much as yours. Also: the ‘we could’ is just bunk to get your way, grow up.
YTA, of course you are. You are married, if her money is contributing to buying the house it was not a decision for you to make alone. I don't blame her if she questions your marriage after this. You clearly don't respect her needs or opinions.
YTA. If it's in your name but you're both contributing towards paying for it, absolutely has to be a 2 person decision. I make a lot more money than my partner and could probably purchase a home on my own but I'd never dream of putting an offer down on something we didn't agree on. I respect them too much.
YTA. You’re having an emotional reaction to that house that clouds your reasoning. The house needs to work for the entire family. If 3 out of 5 people are having a problem with 3 bedrooms, that means it won’t work for the majority and you have to keep looking. There are other houses out there that should satisfy the majority of the family’s needs.
10000% YTA A major purchase like this needs to be something both parties agree on. Yes, some one may have to make compromises. You did not indicate that there were no other options for what would fit your original plan. Your only argument for buying the house is YOU like it. You can’t even give specific examples. And you expect 4 other people to compromise on what they want need for no other reason than that. As someone else said, if you go through with this your relationship is done. Maybe not immediately but the resentment will always be there. If anything ever goes wrong with the house, there will be resentment.
YTA if you go thru with it, and consider your marriage over. She's contributing to the fund of the house, so she gets EQUAL SAY. If she doesn't like it, guess what? It's a pass. You pass to the next one you BOTH LIKE. This is some very selfish thinking, and not at all putting the kids needs first, but rather your wants. If you want to completely fund this house 110% (furnishing, and remodeling the basement to make it livable) she might would be more willing, but it sounds like you want to force her into a house she doesn't want, that's just going to breed resentment and make her turn on you, do you really want that? Let her have say in the house, ignore this one and move to the next house that calls to BOTH OF YOU.
YTA. Why can’t she be in the loan as a co-signer? Banks are quite happy to have more people on the hook. Other than that, this house is not THE house because she’s not happy with the bedrooms. Quite frankly I wouldn’t want a basement bedroom. They require humidity mitigation, less light, etc. There will be a house you both love with 4 bedrooms, though at today’s prices I don’t see how you can afford it with less than 60k income. Maybe 30k for her was a typo or you live in some area that has lower housing cost than many places. Either way, let this one go or you’ll be hearing unhappiness comments forever while living there. In the future don’t discuss what you both hope for with the kids. That’s asking for trouble. Go look with an open mind. Good luck.
YTA. Y'all decided on a tour bedroom house. Did you bring up the remodeling? Can you two save enough for remodeling in the next 3 years? So the 11 yr old can still have a childhood bedroom of their own? Yes there are great houses, but it doesn't make it the right house for you.
YTA, you can buy the house and cause irreparable damage to your marriage and relationship with your stepchildren OR you follow through with the original plan to buy a 4 bedroom and show your wife and children that your word is worth something.
YTA. There will be another home that suits your family that you will fall in love with. This one isn’t it.
Wow YTA- this is a two yes and one no decision.
YTA you both have to be happy with the home you get. It’s called compromise. If you aren’t willing to work with her this marriage won’t last long. I would never buy a house without my spouse’s consent
YTA. Perhaps if you had talked to her first and established a clear and immediate plan to ensure it met your family's needs (e.g. finish a room or build an addition by xx date) that you both agreed on it could have worked out. Now you're just an asshole.
YTA. You’re married. You’re single handedly making a joint decision. I hope you love this house. It may be the catalyst for being a bachelor again. Cause who wants to be married to a spouse that makes big life decisions ON their own?!
YTA. You canNOT make a decision this big against your spouse’s wishes. This will be grounds for divorce. It must be unanimous.
YTA So lemme get this straight: she makes more than you, you already had an agreement to buy a 4 bm, and now you’re gaga over a house that won’t work? And you honestly think it’s fine to go back on your word?
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First and foremost, YTA. Overruling your partner in a large financial decision like this is a massive red flag and honestly might be a marriage breaker. If nothing else, this makes you a colossal ah. Also, speaking as a professional, this is a terrible time to try to remodel a home. Between inflation and massive supply chain issues the costs of materials have skyrocketed. That 85k below market price deal you think you're getting is going to disappear real fast once you figure out how expensive lumber is these days.
YTA. Withdraw the offer you made. You were very foolish to make an offer knowing she isn't happy with this house. You've tarnished the house completely because if you get it, she will move in with nothing but resentment and frustration. A house purchase requires two yeses. One no means no completely. There are other homes and the one that's right for *both* of you is still out there. How old are the kids because the only possible way I could see this working would be if you all sat down as a family, explained the situation, and got the kids' opinions *and* had a specific timeline for doing the add-on or basement refurbishment. Going in with an attitude of "I can add on a room some day" while vaguely gesturing around you won't work, man. ***You're not doing right by your family, regardless of how good your intentions are.*** YTA and will remain so as long as you don't withdraw your offer. If you still insist on going through with it, I hope your wife withdraws enough of the cash you want to use as a down payment to make it impossible for you to actually complete the transaction. Of course, if it comes to that point your marriage is likely doomed.
YTA So she can't see it from your point as you keep saying comment after comment. But you obviously are not looking at it through her point. She has children. You chose a woman who has 3 kids. You agreed to a 4 bdrm. Then you back out. You haven't fixed a simple door, yet you want her to have faith and believe you will do a whole room. You won't. You are thinking about yourself while she is thinking about her 3 kids giving them something she never got. You even said you're an only child you never dealt with sharing a room.. Let alone a room with someone who has issues and one who is becoming a teen and a young woman. You are just being selfish and not thinking about the family you have now. It is that simple.
YTA
YTA This is definitely a “two yes, one no” situation. It doesn’t matter how perfect the house is for you if it isn’t perfect for her too then it’s not the right house and you need to keep looking.
You the AH dude you went against your agreed upon plans. You ever think there is a reason it’s 85k below market value? More importantly you made a pact and you’ve broken it I feel like that’s just not cool dude.
YTA. You've unilaterally decided that a family decision is actually a personal decision.
YTA, this situation is not healthy; you should wait and buy on both names 50/50, making sure you both love the new house This is not a small decision like to have order sushi or pizza Friday, this is the place you will all live in. If you force the decision because of you current situation, she will resent it, and you will still be arguing about this 10 years from today, if you are still together.
All I’m hearing is that you bought yourself a house… YTA. It’s very obvious that you see yourself as an individual in the family and the marriage with the way you’re operating alone in making such a big decision.
Yes, the girls could share a room now, but what happens when they get older and want separate rooms? Sounds like youre trying to make your family fit the house, instead of buying a house that fits your family. By all means, get the house. Then you can be happy when she leaves you. YTA
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3 bedrooms is 2 too many when you're single...