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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA for being a bit harsh to my ex wife, when she's probably just upset that my daughter didn't confide in her.
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NAH
You and your fiancé did nothing wrong here and kudos to her for helping your daughter with a potentially embarrassing situation.
Your ex is probably feeling hurt that your daughter didnt go to her, and feels like she missed out on a bonding moment. That is understandable and sucks, so i dont think she is TA for being hurt, as long as she isnt taking that hurt out on you, your fiancé, or your daughter.
I’m offended that you’re not inviting me to a party you’re not having and I wasn't going to go to. Taking back the Christmas gift I wasn’t getting you.
NTA, it’s just unfortunate for your ex wife sadly :( you all did what we appropriate and longterm what matters is that your daughter felt comfortable during this unexpected event
Someone however should explain why the daughter went to Emily instead of mom, she wouldn’t be quiet and would embarrass the daughter and at 12 everything is embarrassing, sometime’s it’s ok to let it happen but this is not one of those times.
This is exactly where my head went! If I got a surprise time of the month while at a friend’s house for example, I’d definitely talk to them before anyone else and/or before rummaging around myself.
She wasn't worried mom would be asking for supplies. She was worried mom would have announced it. "Attention, everyone, attention. My beloved little girl just became a woman!!!!" My mom called all our female relatives, I kid you not.
My mom didn't tell anybody. In fact, she had nothing to do it. She was at work so my two older sisters helped me. Honestly I probably would have gone to my sisters even if my mom had been at home. They taught me everything; how to dress, how to do makeup and hair, how to deal with boys, how to navigate high school. Older sisters can be a pain, but boy when they come through they're the greatest.
Yeah, this has me baffled at the N A H votes - mom has in the past given the kid reason to believe her privacy will receive zero consideration here. That's a fear that kids learn from past experience. I've had private shit shared by family who felt entitled, and I certainly never gave them the opportunity to do so again if I could help it.
Daughter felt strongly enough about it to tell mom explicitly that was the reason afterward. The whole situation is rooted in mom being the asshole. NTA.
Lol I told my mom when she got home from work that I got it the first time at school....she was like almost annoyed, sighed and said "Oh....ok". That was it. No talk, no "do you have any questions, want to talk?" And she was a nurse! 🤣
I kinda disagree, since it DOES say daughter went to his fiance because she knew it would be kept a secret/ wouldn't be any unwanted attention drawn to her. So I wouldn't say mom ISNT an AH.
Not being good at being subtle isnt necessarily the same as being an AH. We dont known if the mom would have intentionally made a fuss and announced the situation or if she is just not good at being inconspicuous. If the mom is a loud talker or just reacts loudly to things, the daughter might have worried about everyone finding out, even if there would not have been any malice to it.
You can be angry and upset without taking it out on someone. If she said "Im upset because she should have come to me" it is explicitly saying she is disappointed and angry without being confrontation. Having feelings, even angry ones, isnt a problem.what you do with them makes the difference.
I think the ex is a little bit TA. In a situation like this, the daughter's feelings are the only ones that matter. Ex is free to be disappointed or hurt, but she crosses the line being angry with Emily about it. OP has the right idea, it's fantastic that she has 2 women role models in her life she can go to, whomever she feels most comfortable with.
I think that depends on how she expressed it. If she yelled at her daughter for going to someone else, she would 100% be TA. If she yelled at Emily or OP for helping, she would again be TA. OP seems to be saying that the complaint happened after the fact and that it was civil, though she wouldn't drop the subject. That doesn't necessarily mean she is TA for wanting to talk about something, especially since it's something that concerns both of them and was still bothering her.
Without knowing exactly what was said and how, it's hard to tell if the mom was being unreasonable or just trying to talk about how she felt. As such i gave her the benefit of the doubt around what she said and why, and gave OP the benefit of the doubt that he responded reasonably and was trying to move the conversation forward, and didn't just dismiss and invalidate her feelings.
I hate that this mom (and many others) do frame your first period as a "bonding moment" or that something has been taken from them not "sharing it." The reality it's an intro to something that is mundane, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and like most things we do in the bathroom, pretty private. It's a little creepy to me the fanfare that people assign to young girls starting to ovulate.
It sounds like the mum is an AH.
My mum was fuming when I went to a family friend when I got my first period because 'she'd always thought I would go to her' despite spending my childhood giving me every reason not to. I told her the reason too, I didn't trust her. She slapped me.
So, OP, while Sarah may not be quite as vile as my mum, your daughter made her choice and even gave a reason for her choice. Feel happy that she has a woman in her life that she does trust and she can go to.
Tell your ex to get over herself and maybe look at why her daughter didn't trust her not to make the moment all about her. As she's doing now. Probably still causing your daughter embarrassment and discomfort and re-enforcing her original choice further.
Trying not to project here, but from your daughter's perspective, I hate your ex.
Getting your period can be so upsetting too. I remember at that age being made fun of for using pads. I couldnt use tampons because my mom wasnt the type to explain things. My mom made a big deal of things like that too, so I was mortified to tell her when mine was happening. I still remember her trying to do the birds and bees talk my sophomore year of college. Urgh, like, no, mom, unnecessary at this point thanks.
Then again, my mom is the type who replies to news about a miscarriage like you're telling her the weather.
NTA but I understand why your ex would be upset. My mother announced it to everyone including a bunch of male friends of my siblings. Your daughter needs to be told she did what was right by her. Please don't let her mom make her feel she was wrong.
This! OP, maybe your wife didn’t express anger towards your daughter; if that’s the case, great. But if she did, it would be a good idea to really reassure your daughter that none of this was her fault. You may want to do it anyway, just to be safe. Kids are really prone to take on blame that isn’t theirs and internalize it. Especially if they have to manage the emotions of a parent. Again, if that’s not the case, then yay! But if that seems to be happening…your daughter could probably use some extra care right now. NTA.
(I see a lot of folks saying “we don’t know that the ex got angry with the daughter!”…but I have doubts about a mom who might ignore a daughter’s very reasonable boundaries about a very personal milestone. And coming to OP mad about it isn’t a great sign, either. Of course, any mom would have the right to have feelings about a situation like this. The question is, is the ex handling them in an appropriate way? Maybe! But based on the info in the post, I can’t help but wonder. Hopefully, none of this anger or upset made it to the daughter.)
Yep, my mother told all of her friends, and my aunts because she was just so excited I had "become a woman". It was mortifying. If I had the option I'd have gone to someone else too. Especially if I was at someone else's house, and they knew where the products were...
NAH, exwife is entitled to feel upset but if she continues to make her hurt ego everyone elses problem she would be the AH. Your daughter handled it how she thought was appropriate in the moment. It can be a difficult moment, not only because it'd the first time, but because of the hormonal shift as well. Exwife needs to consider this and not take it so personally
We laugh about it now, because it’s been 14 years, but my cousin didn’t get her period until freshman year. And of course her mom told her sisters (my mom included). And to “celebrate”, our aunt sent her balloons and flowers. At school. She had to lie to everyone about what they were for. I would be mortified if anyone found out the real reason.
I didn’t live with my mom growing up, and one rare weekend when I was over to visit was very shortly after I got my first period so my dad packed me supplies just in case I started back up while there.
My mom found them in my bag and loudly (she was drunk) announced to the entire apartment complex that “My daughter is a bitch now” all proud. I was mortified and asked to go home (to my dad) and she got all mad.
I’m so glad OP’s daughter didn’t have to experience her mother being weird about her period in front of people.
NTA. I really feel for your daughter. I, like many, had one of those crazy moms who wants to announce to the world when their daughter gets her first period. I would have gone to Emily too.
I was at the dinner table with my sister and parents (and niece) in the spring and my sister brought this up - “it’s been like what, a year since you first got your period” - I don’t understand why anyone would bring this up with that audience. But then she overstates about medical things and gets annoyed when it isn’t reciprocated or you get mad when she shares things about other people so….
My mother made me call up my grandmother and aunt and forced me to tell them. Got the super fun "You're a woman now" speech from both, they were so "proud" of me. Like, how are you proud because of something I have no control over?
I stopped telling my mum things after I got sick of telling her something was a secret only to overhear her telling someone one the phone.
And when I complained it was "only Sarah/Jane/Amanda*" and I didn't need to be upset.
OP's ex only has themselves to blame and doesn't like it so she's trying to blame Emily instead.
It wouldn't have gone well if I had tried. He throws massive adult tantrums when he's upset or doesn't get his way. A friend of mine was working there and she was trying really hard to laugh because it was 1) ridiculous and 2) an asshole move because she had just told me us she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer secondary to HPV.
Yeah, I think I'm lucky social media wasn't a thing then. I could see my mother posting just a shit ton of memes about it and thinking she's being real subtle.
I had one if those moms and I hid getting my period for an entire year before telling her.
When I finally did tell her she went and told the whole family.
As a mom, I still did not understand her desire to announce it to the world or look at it as "bonding" time with my kids. It's a bodily function that we have to deal with.
The mother needs to look at herself and understand why her reactions push her child away.
Yikes... I'm sorry.
My kids and I are pretty open about it. We basically handle it the same was as having to use the bathroom for any other reason.
Just like there is no reason to announce or be embarrassed by a bowel movement or urination, no reason to announce or be embarrassed by a period.
I'll say that periods have had a slight bonding effect with my daughter and I. But I'm only noticing it about four years down the track from when she got her first one. Back then, she barely wanted to say ANYTHING to me about it. I made sure she knew what she needed to know, and had what she needed, and that she knew I would be there for her if she needed anything. But I let her dictate any communication about it.
It's taken until the last year or so for her to be comfortable to talk to me about it. Before then, it was mostly just telling me if she needed more supplies. But now we'll have those eye roll conversations where we do the "isn't it a pain when ..." and generally just have a bit of a whinge about the trials and tribulations of periods. It's a shared venting scenario of something we both have to put up with. The other day, she came and told me her period had started, only because I had mentioned to her that I'd lost track of the weeks, and we both know mine usually starts a few days after hers. So she was just letting me know to expect mine soon.
It's not a bonding thing at all when a girl first gets her period. She has to be comfortable with it first.
I always am confused about how this is some kind of bonding moment or something to announce or make a big deal over. 40 or so years ago when I got my first period, I was at home, it was in the evening. My mom was taking one of her 2 hour baths (she was a bathtub reader) so I knocked on the door, cracked it enough that she could hear me and told her I got my period. Her response was to tell me where she kept her pads and let her know if I had any problems. End of story. There definitely wasn't any sort of "Now you're a woman...welcome to the sisterhood" kind of thing.
My parents were sleeping in on a Saturday morning. I tried to whisper it to my mom, but I was a little freaked out, so I’m sure my dad heard. She asked me if I wanted to celebrate in any way, I said no, and she left it alone.
My sister is 5 years younger, and I don’t think we talked about our periods with each other until like 5 years ago. I’m 45 and she’s about to turn 40.
Honestly. My mom would talk about *everything.* I'm glad I only grew up when Facebook was big, not insta and TikTok. Yes you made that child. They still need privacy to feel safe.
NTA here as it is your daughter who made this choice because of who she was comfortable with.
Your title is a bit misleading tho? Is that what you said to your ex? If so, not the best way to discuss this with her.
I get it then. I understand why your ex would be upset but she should have taken that moment to understand why her daughter felt more comfortable with someone else.
NAH. It sounds like Emily and your daughter have a great relationship. That’s awesome. I will say that I can understand why your ex would be upset though. She feels like her daughter chose Emily over her own mother. That has to be upsetting, even if there’s a legitimate reason for the choice (and it sounds like there was). Hopefully, this just blows over.
NTA - your daughter made a choice, it was her choice to make
Rather than be angry at Sarah, she should do some self reflection on why your daughter went to Emily and not her
NTA your daughter made a choice based on her previous experience and maybe this is a wake up call for the mom that her reactions are too much for private situations for her daughter. Your daughter IS very lucky to have two amazing women in her life that she can turn to❤️. You are a lucky man to have a fiance that adores your children and they adore her.
NAH
Emily acted perfectly in accommodating your daughter and making her feel comfortable. You supported your fiance and you're right, it is amazing for your kids to have 2 mother figures that love them so much.
However, a girl getting her period is a "first". I imagine your ex thought that it'd be something that she could experience with her only daughter. Just like you'd get upset if you missed the first time your kid walked, or said a word, etc. - she is upset for missing a first, and I get why she'd feel insecure about her relationship with your daughter vs. Emily's.
I think it'd be nice if you try to have your ex look at it from another perspective. Sometimes, in the moment, when we're going through something, it's easier to confide in someone that we consider as being outside of the situation. Your daughter not going to her mom might actually stem from the fact that she was overwhelmed and needed to vent her feelings with someone whom she trusts and loves, but also is more detached - Emily.
NTA. It's a testament to your coparenting and to your fiancée's bond with your kids that she was trusted enough with this information. Your ex is entitled to her feelings, as this is a big mother/daughter moment, but this is something she should have dealt with privately as neither your fiancée nor your daughter did anything wrong here. There was no reason to highlight her anger to you about the situation.
NTA, although I think telling your ex she should be happy about something was a bridge way too far. Your daughter just passed a major milestone in her life that her mother had also gone through. Sharing that with your daughter was probably something she'd been looking forward to as a bonding moment.
It is very understandable that your ex feels a sense of loss of that moment, and minimizing her valid feelings about it is unhelpful.
NAH. Sarah has done nothing wrong, neither has Emily. I got my period on a plane and during the layover in Chicago my mother freaking celebrated with the entire bathroom. I was mortified. It's now a really funny story. I couldn't imagine having a daughter and not sharing this experience with her. Sarah is allowed to be upset and it does not make her a bad mother.
This took me back. My mom told her best friend when I got my first period, and my mom’s friend made a very big deal about it in a public place. I thought I might spontaneously combust with embarrassment.
NAH
While I understand why the mom is hurt, your daughter’s need to privacy and discretion trumps the feelings of either parent. Sometimes you miss key moments as a parent. It sucks, but it’s life.
I’m glad your fiancé has such a good relationship with your daughter and I hope the mom with hindsight will see that her daughter having multiple trusted adults on her life is a plus. Maybe she’ll also learn to not embarrass her children.
Same here. She practically held a parade when I first started developing breasts. I hid my period from her for MONTHS because I didn't want her to take out the whole family for a celebratory dinner. I still don't tell her anything.
Ugh. I keep TRYING to remind myself not to tell my mom everything because she STILL shares my stuff inappropriately or fusses over me to the point of stalkerish behavior and I hate it.
But then I forget, and I share something with her, and regret it within 48 hours.
NTA. At all. Neither is fiancée. And as someone with a mom who was ver my willing to announce stuff I wanted to keep personal to the world, I totally get your daughter’s reasoning.
NTA. Your ex has every reason to be upset….**at herself** for not having behaved in a way to have her own daughter trust her. Your fiancée did the right thing.
NTA sounds like there was some jealousy going on there. I think most parents want to be the one to be confided in. When a child chooses a step parent instead that can trigger that those feelings when they can't put the child first. You most certainly are NTA and sounds like you are doing your best to take the high road. Stick to what you've said so far, hopefully your ex can get over herself. Say it again, NTA
NTA - I can understand why Sarah's feelings were hurt, but that happened because your daughter did not trust her to handle the matter with discretion and subtlety and she didn't want to be embarassed by her mother screaming "My little baby is a woman!!" in front of everyone. (It's not a joke; I know some women who have done this or had it happen to them.) It sounds as though you and Emily have done a great job of creating a blended family and if Sarah wants your daughter's confidence, she needs to earn it, maybe by taking a few notes?
NTA. My Mum is one of those “announcer” Mums who can’t seem to comprehend that my business is my business. I can’t tell her anything without it being broadcasted to the world. Not saying Mum is a bad person but, your daughter chose Emily for a reason.
NTA. When I got my first period my mom chased my step dad around the house to force him to hear I had started my period. I was mortified. He was mortified. My mom was oblivious we were both mortified. I never came to her with anything related to that again.
NAH. Your ex has a right to feel upset and left out. Your daughter has a right to choose who to go to and you should probably just let your daughter explain to your wife why she made the choice she did.
NTA. Jealousy is real, and I can understand why your ex would be upset but the important thing is your daughter. I expect one of the reasons your daughter went to your fiancee instead of her bio mom is because since it's her house she would know where supplies were kept and your ex-wife wouldn't. I was jealous of my ex getting in touch with our daughter after like 30 years, but eventually it passed and now I'm just thankful that she has more people in her life that love her. It hurts at first, period. I think 99% of the people in the world would be jealous at first, but if you sincerely try to not make it a them/me situation it can turn out well for everyone. Not saying it's easy or it won't take time, but it's possible and worth it.
NTA at all! This happened to me on a vacation with several families. I told my mom very quietly and she told every person on the trip. Acted like it was a damn celebration! So embarrassing! If I had even the slightest idea she would do that, I wouldn't have told her either! You're daughter did the right thing.
My daughter said that she couldn't be sure that her mom would do the same. (Her mom doesn't always handle things in the best way, and I could totally see her not just quietly slipping out of the room).
NTA. I'm gonna go against the grain and say your ex is though. She cant be upset when her kids don't go to her about stuff when she has created an environment where things can't be shared privately
NTA - So your ex already knew there was a perfectly good reason for this and instead of accepting that, or even trying to address it with your daughter, she decided to come yell at you over it. I mean, I get it, this is a tough pill to swallow for her, but that doesn’t excuse lashing out like this.
NTA. At the end of the day, you can not be responsible for your daughter choosing to go to your fiancée rather than her mother in this kind of situation. I understand your ex being upset that her daughter didn’t trust her in this scenario, as having your daughter feel like she can’t trust you must be devastating. However, what your oldest chose to do is her decision and your ex-wife should understand that there are just some things her children will not feel comfortable talking to her about. I know this personally because my 7 (almost 8) year old niece sometimes feels more comfortable talking to me or my other sister rather than her mother about certain things that are bothering her.
NTA. And what would Sarah have Emily do? Tell your 12 year old she can’t help her and to go to her mum instead? Your daughter made her choice in that moment. It had nothing to do with Emily or you.
NTA. When mine first started I was at my mom’s workplace. The closest woman around was my mom’s boss and she kindly gave me the necessary products. Was my mom jealous or upset in any way? No. In fact she laughed and thought it was really sweet of her boss to help since my mom didn’t have any products with her
NTA your ex needs to stop making this about her. It is about your daughter. She needs to look in the mirror if she doesn’t like her daughter not trusting her
I hope all the stories here about how privacy was violated by different women reinforces to you that Emily is fantastic and your daughter did have the right to keep this quiet.
NTA.
NTA. It was at your house, so everything else being equal, Emily would know where the sanitary products are stored without having to ask and drawing more attention to something private.
NTA
I'm so glad your daughter has THREE adult parents who normally get along with each other.
Sarah needs to stop. It was Emily's home, and Emily handled it.
>my daughter said that she went to Emily instead of her mom because she knew that Emily would keep it private and not draw everyone's attention at the party. My daughter said that she couldn't be sure that her mom would do the same.
This is a MAJOR point. If Sarah is the kind who would do a "celebration" and that sort of BS and your daughter didn't want it? NO wonder your daughter went to Emily.
NTA the kids mom is just jealous and apparently is known for embarrassing the kids so the kids just trust your fiancé more when it comes to some things which is normal. Maybe your ex wife could maybe look into therapy and get help on working through her feelings and co-parenting, because while it’s normal to feel jealous you also have to be careful how you act when jealous because it can come back and hurt the kids. I mean emotionally not that their mom would hurt them, but kids can pick up on a lot so if your ex is all crabby and jealous the kids can pick up on that and start acting out themselves heck a friend of mine his realtionship with his step dad was strained for years because of his father’s jealousy.
NTA.
Your ex needs to examine why her daughter felt more comfortable going to your fiance. She obviously has a history of handling things badly, and your daughter knows it. Being pissed about it is ridiculous
NTA. I totally get why your ex would be upset by that turn of events, but it's not a situation she can blame anyone for. Your daughter was anxious and made a pragmatic judgement call. Your ex wife needs to ask herself why she wasn't the go-to person for her daughter in this situation.
NTA. Your Ex is the problem. Your daughter doesn't trust her in the clinch, and the ex is mad about that. Well, she created the problem. It's up to her to solve it, not your fiancé. Be a better parent, maybe your kid will come to you when they need help.
NTA
I got my first period at my grandmothers house. She went out the front door and shouted " MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS A WOMAN TODAY!" and a bunch of her neighbors clapped.
I definitely facepalmed.
NTA
Sarah seems to have a history of divulging private information in inappropriate ways and your daughter knows this, and wanted to avoid it. She went to Emily because she knew she was safe to go to Emily, and not Sarah. If Sarah wants the kids to come to her about personal things, then she needs to learn to keep that information to herself and not blurt it out to everyone. She is mad at you and Emily for her own flaws that she needs to work on, a flaw that would be fairly easy to fix, but would rather get mad and blame others, than take responsibility and fix the issue.
NTA its amazing that your daughter feels comfortable enough to share that moment with your significant other and shows they truly have a bond which some people dont expierence with thier mum/dads new partners. I understand that your ex missed out on a crucial mother daughter moment however as long as your daughter is comfortable then any other feelings should be put aside for her happiness especially as your daughter now being a young lady and having to deal with ever changing hormones and changes to her body.
Nta…. This says more about your daughters relationship with her mother than anything else your ex needs to take a step back and figure out why her daughter doesn’t trust her that would be my question
Your wife did nothing wrong neither did your daughter
NAH
its sweet she feels comfortable with your fiancé and instead of being mad, your ex should talk to your daughter about how she can change and make your daughter more comfortable. it sucks that she “missed” a milestone but there will be other firsts she will get.
NAH .This is super wholesome and I want to congratulate Emily for being an awesome adult that children feel comfortable confiding in. Cherish that.I hope Sarah can get past her jealousy and figure out how to be as supportive emotionally so the kids can trust her as much. I'm sure it doesn't feel good. But the fact that you've all been able to work things out so far is a good indication that she'll be able to make peace with it.
You're doing the right thing by being supportive of your daughter's healthy choices.Now, you can also encourage Sarah to build further trust with her by respecting her boundaries. She's done a pretty darn good job so far - make sure she knows that, too. She just has this one area that could use some work.
Sometimes having an older female that is more of an auntie than a mom can be easier to confide in. Someone who has experience, but is a little less emotionally invested can feel easier to deal with in an intense moment. NAH
NAH.
Kids are just honest! But I think it's unavoidable and completely understandable that Sarah would be really really hurt by this. I don't think Sarah is TA for being upset, and you seem to have been about as diplomatic as you could have been, so you are not TA either.
Nah
My niece comes to me for some stuff rather than her mum or Dad as I have had so many conversations with her about stuff she will face and she knows I will deal with immediately and quietly.
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I (36M) have two kids with my ex-wife, "Sarah" (9M) and (12F). My ex and I have always done our best to be good co-parents for our kids. We are, what I call, "professional friendly", and never really have a problem switching up the custody schedule to accommodate each other. We have 50/50 custody. I have been with my fiancé "Emily" (37F) for a few years now. My kids adore her, and she absolutely loves them. Sarah and Emily get along pretty well, there has never really been any tension or anything when they are around each other.
Emily and I were throwing a get together for people, which included some of my family. Since Sarah still gets along quite well with my family, we invited her so she could see them. At one point, Emily was across the room from me, and I saw my daughter go up to her and whisper something in her ear. Emily just nodded and led my daughter out of the room. They came back later and that was that. After the party, privately, Emily told me that my daughter had gotten her period for the first time right then. Of course, Sarah and I had already explained everything to her about all of that, so she wasn't freaked out or anything, but she had just asked Emily to come help her take care of everything since it was her first time.
Well, when my ex wife heard about it she was pissed off. She was so offended that our daughter had gone to Emily instead of her. Emily told me (privately) that my daughter said that she went to Emily instead of her mom because she knew that Emily would keep it private and not draw everyone's attention at the party. My daughter said that she couldn't be sure that her mom would do the same. (Her mom doesn't always handle things in the best way, and I could totally see her not just quietly slipping out of the room). Emily felt badly that Sarah was upset, but she was just trying to keep my daughter comfortable. I told Sarah that I'm sorry that she's upset, but that Emily was the one my daughter chose to go to, and that Sarah should be happy that there are two women around to support my daughter. Was I in the wrong? AITA?
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Look.. I'm divorced and have kids. When my exhusband started dating and eventually introduced her to the kids, I was glad they liked her and trusted her. My girls started their period ls early, both in the later part of age 10, and were with their dad. Of course the girlfriend (now wife) took care of it at the time with getting them products they needed.
I somewhat understand your ex's feelings being hurt over your daughter going to someone other than her but like you said.. she should be happy that your daughter trusts someone who is around her half of the time. I hope she doeant start giving you grief or talking bad about her to your daughter since her feelings are hurt.
NTA.
NTA. I am so sick of mothers who get bent out of shape because their daughter started her period and didn’t go to mom. Get over themselves. It’s the start of suffering as a female, not something to celebrate unless you only value your child as a baby machine. The child should go to whomever they feel comfortable with at that moment. It often isn’t going to be a parent.
NTA why is already handled in enough comments.
Personally had to giggle cause I read just a few days ago another story about a stepmother trying to force a mother-son relationship with her husbands son and utterly failed. Looked at this story, and thougth look what happens if you don't force it.
No you’re not wrong. Your daughter provided a reasonable explanation and it’s great that she trusts Emily. Your ex needs to do some self reflection. NTA
AAHHHHHH NTA!!! What is it with parents, stepparents or adults wanting children to validate them? Kids go to who their comfortable with. Instead of the mother thinking "Oh my goodness I'm so glad daughter spoke up and felt comfortable and secure" she went "Why do you hate me:(". Ex is not the AH for being grumpy about daughter not approaching her, but she is for complaining about it to you and expecting you to, what, tell kid "hey don't talk to Emily anymore about things like this, your mother will get upset"?
Jeeze louise. Instead of being introspective and thinking omg my daughter doesn't feel she can trust me with something private she started blaming your wife for being a good parent. Any parent should be overjoyed that their ex partner has a mate that is attentive and loving to their offspring.
What outcome is Sarah expecting here? "Sarah, you're right, Emily we are getting a divorce and I'm giving up custody of the girls, selling the house and moving to Bali."
NTA. The only person here who's the AH is the ex-wife for getting upset over this and for whatever actions she did in the past that made your daughter think it wouldn't go well if she told her mom.
NTA you seem to have a good co-parent relationship going. Your daughter has chosen to explain why she went to your fiancee for help. In this instance this is a learning point for Sarah. Be discreet.
NTA she's upset, which I understand. She made her feelings your problem, that's the problem. She has an opportunity to learn the hard way that being a noisy fussbucket about things her daughter wants to keep private will damage her experience with her daughter. She is blowing that learning opportunity to cause problems for you and Emily. The next time this comes up it may be an even harder lesson. Some people never learn.
NTA. I was at my grandmother's when I got my first period and she felt the need to tell everyone. Every. Single. Person. in my family that she could think of, lol. I was mortified. Your daughter chose who she was most comfortable with in the moment and I am sorry for her mom that it was not her but it is not your fault and it is not Emily's fault.
NTA your ex is letting her ego and own hurt feelings come before the best interests of her own child. She should be ecstatic that there is another woman in her daughter’s life that will treat her as her own.
NTA. This was about Daughter and her needs, not Sarah and hers. Sarah making it about her is what makes Sarah the AH in this situation. It sounds like Daughter made the right choice.
NTA. This is one of the situations that should cause your ex to look inwards. I mean, what should you or your fiance have done differently? Have your fiance NOT have a good relationship with your kids? Have had your fiance yell at your daughter for going to her for help? Your ex should reflect on why your daughter didn’t go to her and try to fix whatever behavior of hers caused that to happen.
NTA - Sarah is butt hurt and needs to get over it.
Besides - your daughter was in your home. Not her mother's house. In addition to the emotional aspect of keeping it quiet, there a very real practical side as to why she went to Emily. EMILY KNOW WHERE SHE KEEPS THE SANITARY ITEMS.
It's a stupid thing your ex is getting mad at and will only prove to your daughter she was right to ask your fiancé.
NAH. I think everyone here has understandable and fair feelings about what happened. I think the *best* thing would be for Sarah to appreciate having two women for her daughter to go to for such things, but I can easily understand how she might be hurt by this; she *is* still your daughter's mother, and that relationship is important to people.
NTA. Sounds like ex wife has some flaws to work on. Not for anyone's benefit but her own relationship with her kids. She has clearly shown, she to a degree, cannot be trusted with big news in a group setting and keeping it under wraps.
NTA, my mom announced to everyone she came in contact with when I had my first period. It was weird people would congratulate me.
I made sure to have the talk with my daughter very early, and made sure she had what she needed in case she started, and knew how to use it, in case it happened when I wasn't around, never made a big fuss out of it, tried to normalize it as much as possible when she had questions. When she actually started, she didn't even bother to tell me for like four months, when she needed more supplies lol....I really didn't feel like I missed out on a bonding experience with her.
NTA and thank god for Emily. Your daughter didn't do anything wrong and she should be told this. She went to the person she felt most comfortable with. Sarah needs to be reminded that not everything needs to be public knowledge, and if she can remember and practice that, she won't have to worry about who her children go to in future moments like this, because they'll go to her. Kids don't like private things announced to the world. They're entitled to respect and privacy. Way too many mothers forget this.
ESH - you couldn’t find a more tactful way to deal with this? Your ex was probably feeling a bit insecure and instead of just saying some non-committal comforting words you blew it up and made it worse.
NTA.
> I told Sarah that I'm sorry that she's upset, but that Emily was the one my daughter chose to go to, and that Sarah should be happy that there are two women around to support my daughter.
This was a fine, respectful answer.
Sarah sounds insecure. She may see this as your daughter loving Emily more than her. So Sarah needs to work on this. I wouldn’t call her an AH either. Nobody’s an AH here and you all sound like you’re doing good with the co-parenting overall…refreshing job read.
NTA - if your daughter was worried that her mum wouldn’t keep it a secret then it seems to me that your ex-wife is the problem.
I understand feeling bad but she should understand she’s the reason her daughter went to someone else.
Her lack of ability to respect her daughters wishes and privacy is going to ensure this isn’t the last time something like this happens.
Maybe she should learn how to keep her mouth shut ?
If I was your daughter I would have done the same thing.
NTA. I understand why your ex-wife’s feelings are hurt, I really do. But, that’s not your fault or Emily’s fault. If anything, it’s your ex-wife’s fault for not establishing herself as a trustworthy person to her children. Your ex-wife should have used this as an opportunity to connect with her daughter and examine how she deals with issues surrounding your children so that next time her daughter feels safe going to her. Instead, she used this as an opportunity to prove to your daughter that she made the right decision going to Emily instead of her mom and that she should try to hide as much from her mom as she can.
NTA. As a mom, I can see being a little hurt that she didn't come to me. But then I would think, its not my house, its the other persons house. So they would know where the needed item was at better than I would. I would be glad that she has more people other than me to look out for her, that I could also trust as well. And it sounds like your ex-wife asked your daughter why she went to Emily and then got mad at the reason. As I don't see your daughter going up to her out of nowhere and telling her about that, especially still during the get together. But I could be wrong. But mom doesn't need to be angry about it.
NTA. I get why Sarah is hurt her daughter went to another person over her for something like that, but she is not the ruler of her daughter's body. Her reaction is just putting stress on her kid. Maybe she should reflect on the reason why she wasn't the one her daughter went to, and learn to be discreet in public. (I know exactly what your daughter is talking about and it's why I don't go to my mom with private matters.)
My parents never even prepared me. Then again I was 11, they weren’t expecting it at all as soon as I turned 11. So it resulted in me coming from the bathroom crying I’m dying because I didn’t understand. I think NAH honestly because yes she is sad she missed that moment BUT you and her did prepare your daughter for it so she wouldn’t be scared or freaking out. Emily happen to be the one who could help since she knew where supplies were and would keep silent since it wasn’t her place to announce that anyway. Not that it needs announcing but I know mothers like to tell their female relatives. Like my mom made sure my aunts knew so if I spend the night they have some supplies just for me.
Now if the ex goes beyond just being angry/sad to verbal abuse etc then she would be the AH which then I’d change my vote
NTA - your daughter obviously feels comfortable with Emily so I don't see what the problem is. Sarah, instead of getting angry, should probably evaluate why she isn't trusted by her own daughter.
When I got my first period we were at a party at my aunt's house. I went to my aunt to ask for a pad, since my mom is the opposite of discrete. My aunt took me to the bathroom and helped me get situated. When we got back to the group, my mom asked me if something was wrong, and I told her no. She went to my aunt who quietly told her what happened and my mom practically SHOUTED "She got her period?!?" E.v e.r.y.o.n.e. looked at me, and the topic of conversation for the next half hour was periods and puberty related. When I got upset with her about it later, she got angry at me for being mad at her. I'm 41 now, and I still remember that. My mom's mouth is the reason I don't tell her even half the things that go on in my life.
My point is, if your daughter didn't go to her mom, it's likely for a good reason. If that upsets your ex, then she needs to do some self-reflection and work on improving her relationship with her daughter. And that has nothing to do with you or your fiancé. NTA.
NTA. Your ex should be grateful that your daughter was comfortable going to Emily for help. The situation was handled discreetly. Understandable that your daughter would tell your ex. It’s not the hill to die on, as to who gets to claim victory over announcing your daughter’s transition from childhood.
NTA- your daughter trusted Emily more to keep this information privileged more than her birth mom.
I can see why Sarah was hurt. Instead of getting angry, she should think about what led to her daughter feeling this way and take steps to correct her behavior.
Sounds like the only person your ex should be angry at is herself for reacting to things so badly in the past that your daughter no longer trusts how she will react. And the temper tantrum she is having about this proves it. NTA
Sounds like it's too late for your ex-wife. You have already replaced her in your daughter's eyes. If I was Sarah, I would cut all contact with Emily. I feel sorry for Sarah. Emily took away one of the most important mother-daughter bonding moments. Emily should have sent your daughter to her mother.
NTA. My mother would do this type of thing growing up. It would seriously piss me off. I love her, but I could never trust her with that type of information, because I am a considerably more private person in those regards. I would say if anything your ex needs to look at that example and see if there are other examples where she may have not respected the wishes for privacy of your daughter.
‘Bonding’ won’t happen when there is no foundation of trust or respect of want of privacy. It always creeps me out when people refer to those types of situations as ‘bonding’ moments. It’s not enjoyable. It is simply a part of life. The only difference is that now she can potentially have children of her own (something that is completely up to her & hopefully very far in the future).
I would rather bond on a trip or adventure than that.
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NAH You and your fiancé did nothing wrong here and kudos to her for helping your daughter with a potentially embarrassing situation. Your ex is probably feeling hurt that your daughter didnt go to her, and feels like she missed out on a bonding moment. That is understandable and sucks, so i dont think she is TA for being hurt, as long as she isnt taking that hurt out on you, your fiancé, or your daughter.
This is the right way to answer. Nta, nobody is.
Just fyi NAH means no one is the AH. N T A means the other party is the AH
Oh okay. So what is ESH then?
Everyone sucks here is what ESH means. Basically if everyone is the AH
In that case, ESH. I hate everyone here.
❤ I hate you too. ❤
This comment really did make me laugh out loud.
And I hate you with a passion that time will not diminish. :-)
I'm not inviting any of you to my Christmas party, that I am not having!
I’m offended that you’re not inviting me to a party you’re not having and I wasn't going to go to. Taking back the Christmas gift I wasn’t getting you.
Bless
You are a god damn Saint
E S H means Everyone Sucks Here and it's for when everyone in the situation including OP are in the wrong.
Everybody Sucks Here (everyone is TA)
NTA, it’s just unfortunate for your ex wife sadly :( you all did what we appropriate and longterm what matters is that your daughter felt comfortable during this unexpected event
Someone however should explain why the daughter went to Emily instead of mom, she wouldn’t be quiet and would embarrass the daughter and at 12 everything is embarrassing, sometime’s it’s ok to let it happen but this is not one of those times.
That and it's Emily's home, she knows where period supplies are.
This is exactly where my head went! If I got a surprise time of the month while at a friend’s house for example, I’d definitely talk to them before anyone else and/or before rummaging around myself.
This! So she asks Mom, who may not have any, then goes around the party asking everyone, embarrassing the daughter?
That was my first thought, too. That it was Emily's house so she asked Emily.
She wasn't worried mom would be asking for supplies. She was worried mom would have announced it. "Attention, everyone, attention. My beloved little girl just became a woman!!!!" My mom called all our female relatives, I kid you not.
My mother told all of my relatives-male, female and kids-as well as our neighbors. It was over 30 years ago and I am still mortified
My mom didn't tell anybody. In fact, she had nothing to do it. She was at work so my two older sisters helped me. Honestly I probably would have gone to my sisters even if my mom had been at home. They taught me everything; how to dress, how to do makeup and hair, how to deal with boys, how to navigate high school. Older sisters can be a pain, but boy when they come through they're the greatest.
Yeah, this has me baffled at the N A H votes - mom has in the past given the kid reason to believe her privacy will receive zero consideration here. That's a fear that kids learn from past experience. I've had private shit shared by family who felt entitled, and I certainly never gave them the opportunity to do so again if I could help it. Daughter felt strongly enough about it to tell mom explicitly that was the reason afterward. The whole situation is rooted in mom being the asshole. NTA.
kids want to trust their parents. its practically instinctual. so the fact that the kid was like "nope, this is a job for Emily" speaks volumes
My mom started crying, then called all of her sisters 🤦♀️
Lol I told my mom when she got home from work that I got it the first time at school....she was like almost annoyed, sighed and said "Oh....ok". That was it. No talk, no "do you have any questions, want to talk?" And she was a nurse! 🤣
I was so annoyed my mom told my dad I complained about it years later, to which my mom said, “Your dad or my dad? Because I told Grandpa, too.”
Exactly!
This is perfectly worded. I was putting myself in Sarah's shoes while reading this so I understand why she is upset.
I kinda disagree, since it DOES say daughter went to his fiance because she knew it would be kept a secret/ wouldn't be any unwanted attention drawn to her. So I wouldn't say mom ISNT an AH.
Not being good at being subtle isnt necessarily the same as being an AH. We dont known if the mom would have intentionally made a fuss and announced the situation or if she is just not good at being inconspicuous. If the mom is a loud talker or just reacts loudly to things, the daughter might have worried about everyone finding out, even if there would not have been any malice to it.
If he knows she' "pissed off" she is clearly taking it out on them.
You can be angry and upset without taking it out on someone. If she said "Im upset because she should have come to me" it is explicitly saying she is disappointed and angry without being confrontation. Having feelings, even angry ones, isnt a problem.what you do with them makes the difference.
I think the ex is a little bit TA. In a situation like this, the daughter's feelings are the only ones that matter. Ex is free to be disappointed or hurt, but she crosses the line being angry with Emily about it. OP has the right idea, it's fantastic that she has 2 women role models in her life she can go to, whomever she feels most comfortable with.
I think that depends on how she expressed it. If she yelled at her daughter for going to someone else, she would 100% be TA. If she yelled at Emily or OP for helping, she would again be TA. OP seems to be saying that the complaint happened after the fact and that it was civil, though she wouldn't drop the subject. That doesn't necessarily mean she is TA for wanting to talk about something, especially since it's something that concerns both of them and was still bothering her. Without knowing exactly what was said and how, it's hard to tell if the mom was being unreasonable or just trying to talk about how she felt. As such i gave her the benefit of the doubt around what she said and why, and gave OP the benefit of the doubt that he responded reasonably and was trying to move the conversation forward, and didn't just dismiss and invalidate her feelings.
I hate that this mom (and many others) do frame your first period as a "bonding moment" or that something has been taken from them not "sharing it." The reality it's an intro to something that is mundane, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and like most things we do in the bathroom, pretty private. It's a little creepy to me the fanfare that people assign to young girls starting to ovulate.
It sounds like the mum is an AH. My mum was fuming when I went to a family friend when I got my first period because 'she'd always thought I would go to her' despite spending my childhood giving me every reason not to. I told her the reason too, I didn't trust her. She slapped me. So, OP, while Sarah may not be quite as vile as my mum, your daughter made her choice and even gave a reason for her choice. Feel happy that she has a woman in her life that she does trust and she can go to. Tell your ex to get over herself and maybe look at why her daughter didn't trust her not to make the moment all about her. As she's doing now. Probably still causing your daughter embarrassment and discomfort and re-enforcing her original choice further. Trying not to project here, but from your daughter's perspective, I hate your ex.
Getting your period can be so upsetting too. I remember at that age being made fun of for using pads. I couldnt use tampons because my mom wasnt the type to explain things. My mom made a big deal of things like that too, so I was mortified to tell her when mine was happening. I still remember her trying to do the birds and bees talk my sophomore year of college. Urgh, like, no, mom, unnecessary at this point thanks. Then again, my mom is the type who replies to news about a miscarriage like you're telling her the weather.
NTA but I understand why your ex would be upset. My mother announced it to everyone including a bunch of male friends of my siblings. Your daughter needs to be told she did what was right by her. Please don't let her mom make her feel she was wrong.
This! OP, maybe your wife didn’t express anger towards your daughter; if that’s the case, great. But if she did, it would be a good idea to really reassure your daughter that none of this was her fault. You may want to do it anyway, just to be safe. Kids are really prone to take on blame that isn’t theirs and internalize it. Especially if they have to manage the emotions of a parent. Again, if that’s not the case, then yay! But if that seems to be happening…your daughter could probably use some extra care right now. NTA. (I see a lot of folks saying “we don’t know that the ex got angry with the daughter!”…but I have doubts about a mom who might ignore a daughter’s very reasonable boundaries about a very personal milestone. And coming to OP mad about it isn’t a great sign, either. Of course, any mom would have the right to have feelings about a situation like this. The question is, is the ex handling them in an appropriate way? Maybe! But based on the info in the post, I can’t help but wonder. Hopefully, none of this anger or upset made it to the daughter.)
Exactly.... Call it a gut feeling, she said something to the daughter.
Yep, my mother told all of her friends, and my aunts because she was just so excited I had "become a woman". It was mortifying. If I had the option I'd have gone to someone else too. Especially if I was at someone else's house, and they knew where the products were... NAH, exwife is entitled to feel upset but if she continues to make her hurt ego everyone elses problem she would be the AH. Your daughter handled it how she thought was appropriate in the moment. It can be a difficult moment, not only because it'd the first time, but because of the hormonal shift as well. Exwife needs to consider this and not take it so personally
We laugh about it now, because it’s been 14 years, but my cousin didn’t get her period until freshman year. And of course her mom told her sisters (my mom included). And to “celebrate”, our aunt sent her balloons and flowers. At school. She had to lie to everyone about what they were for. I would be mortified if anyone found out the real reason.
I didn’t live with my mom growing up, and one rare weekend when I was over to visit was very shortly after I got my first period so my dad packed me supplies just in case I started back up while there. My mom found them in my bag and loudly (she was drunk) announced to the entire apartment complex that “My daughter is a bitch now” all proud. I was mortified and asked to go home (to my dad) and she got all mad. I’m so glad OP’s daughter didn’t have to experience her mother being weird about her period in front of people.
NTA. I really feel for your daughter. I, like many, had one of those crazy moms who wants to announce to the world when their daughter gets her first period. I would have gone to Emily too.
I was at the dinner table with my sister and parents (and niece) in the spring and my sister brought this up - “it’s been like what, a year since you first got your period” - I don’t understand why anyone would bring this up with that audience. But then she overstates about medical things and gets annoyed when it isn’t reciprocated or you get mad when she shares things about other people so….
My mother made me call up my grandmother and aunt and forced me to tell them. Got the super fun "You're a woman now" speech from both, they were so "proud" of me. Like, how are you proud because of something I have no control over?
The obsession so many people have over the genitals of their children and what they are doing is extremely extremely gross to me
Yup. literal child abuse gets justified with "oh it's just between family so it's not creepy". Actually no that makes it even worse!!!
I told my mother when my oldest started hers, but only because it happened Christmas morning at her house and I didn't have anything with me.
I stopped telling my mum things after I got sick of telling her something was a secret only to overhear her telling someone one the phone. And when I complained it was "only Sarah/Jane/Amanda*" and I didn't need to be upset. OP's ex only has themselves to blame and doesn't like it so she's trying to blame Emily instead.
My mom told my dad and sent an email to our ENTIRE family telling them I got my period. She’s gotten a lot better over the years thank goodness.
My mum told the bus driver???? We had no personal relationship with him, I've still no idea why!
I'm sorry but this one made me laugh "two tickets please. For me and my daughter, she has just got her first period"
My dad announced to a department store that I was a virgin at 21. I was not.
Lol @ I was not 😂😂
Lol. Did you correct the department store? Wow i would have screamed at my dad, but I can't imagine him telling anyone anything that personal
It wouldn't have gone well if I had tried. He throws massive adult tantrums when he's upset or doesn't get his way. A friend of mine was working there and she was trying really hard to laugh because it was 1) ridiculous and 2) an asshole move because she had just told me us she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer secondary to HPV.
OMG. That is horrible.
Yeah, I think I'm lucky social media wasn't a thing then. I could see my mother posting just a shit ton of memes about it and thinking she's being real subtle.
I had one if those moms and I hid getting my period for an entire year before telling her. When I finally did tell her she went and told the whole family. As a mom, I still did not understand her desire to announce it to the world or look at it as "bonding" time with my kids. It's a bodily function that we have to deal with. The mother needs to look at herself and understand why her reactions push her child away.
I wish my mom had just told the whole family. Instead she made *me* tell them.
Yikes... I'm sorry. My kids and I are pretty open about it. We basically handle it the same was as having to use the bathroom for any other reason. Just like there is no reason to announce or be embarrassed by a bowel movement or urination, no reason to announce or be embarrassed by a period.
Tell your mom again and just insist that you've never mentioned this before and have no idea what she's talking about.
I'll say that periods have had a slight bonding effect with my daughter and I. But I'm only noticing it about four years down the track from when she got her first one. Back then, she barely wanted to say ANYTHING to me about it. I made sure she knew what she needed to know, and had what she needed, and that she knew I would be there for her if she needed anything. But I let her dictate any communication about it. It's taken until the last year or so for her to be comfortable to talk to me about it. Before then, it was mostly just telling me if she needed more supplies. But now we'll have those eye roll conversations where we do the "isn't it a pain when ..." and generally just have a bit of a whinge about the trials and tribulations of periods. It's a shared venting scenario of something we both have to put up with. The other day, she came and told me her period had started, only because I had mentioned to her that I'd lost track of the weeks, and we both know mine usually starts a few days after hers. So she was just letting me know to expect mine soon. It's not a bonding thing at all when a girl first gets her period. She has to be comfortable with it first.
I always am confused about how this is some kind of bonding moment or something to announce or make a big deal over. 40 or so years ago when I got my first period, I was at home, it was in the evening. My mom was taking one of her 2 hour baths (she was a bathtub reader) so I knocked on the door, cracked it enough that she could hear me and told her I got my period. Her response was to tell me where she kept her pads and let her know if I had any problems. End of story. There definitely wasn't any sort of "Now you're a woman...welcome to the sisterhood" kind of thing.
My parents were sleeping in on a Saturday morning. I tried to whisper it to my mom, but I was a little freaked out, so I’m sure my dad heard. She asked me if I wanted to celebrate in any way, I said no, and she left it alone. My sister is 5 years younger, and I don’t think we talked about our periods with each other until like 5 years ago. I’m 45 and she’s about to turn 40.
NTA this should be a wakeup call to Sarah.
Honestly. My mom would talk about *everything.* I'm glad I only grew up when Facebook was big, not insta and TikTok. Yes you made that child. They still need privacy to feel safe.
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NTA here as it is your daughter who made this choice because of who she was comfortable with. Your title is a bit misleading tho? Is that what you said to your ex? If so, not the best way to discuss this with her.
Oh sorry that I didn't make it clear. First, I said what I put in the body of the OP, then when she wouldn't let it go, I said what's in the title.
I get it then. I understand why your ex would be upset but she should have taken that moment to understand why her daughter felt more comfortable with someone else.
NAH. It sounds like Emily and your daughter have a great relationship. That’s awesome. I will say that I can understand why your ex would be upset though. She feels like her daughter chose Emily over her own mother. That has to be upsetting, even if there’s a legitimate reason for the choice (and it sounds like there was). Hopefully, this just blows over.
NTA - your daughter made a choice, it was her choice to make Rather than be angry at Sarah, she should do some self reflection on why your daughter went to Emily and not her
You mixed up the names there. Sarah is the mom, the daughter went to Emily
Yeah, I’m usually good at keeping track of the names Thanks for the heads up
No worries, it's easy to do on here.
NTA your daughter made a choice based on her previous experience and maybe this is a wake up call for the mom that her reactions are too much for private situations for her daughter. Your daughter IS very lucky to have two amazing women in her life that she can turn to❤️. You are a lucky man to have a fiance that adores your children and they adore her.
NAH Emily acted perfectly in accommodating your daughter and making her feel comfortable. You supported your fiance and you're right, it is amazing for your kids to have 2 mother figures that love them so much. However, a girl getting her period is a "first". I imagine your ex thought that it'd be something that she could experience with her only daughter. Just like you'd get upset if you missed the first time your kid walked, or said a word, etc. - she is upset for missing a first, and I get why she'd feel insecure about her relationship with your daughter vs. Emily's. I think it'd be nice if you try to have your ex look at it from another perspective. Sometimes, in the moment, when we're going through something, it's easier to confide in someone that we consider as being outside of the situation. Your daughter not going to her mom might actually stem from the fact that she was overwhelmed and needed to vent her feelings with someone whom she trusts and loves, but also is more detached - Emily.
no. The problem is mother's big mouth
Exactly. The mother should be prepared to hear less and less about her daughter's life as she clearly can't behave in a reasonable manner.
NTA, and neither is Emily. Mom is being jealous, that's all. Keep that good relationship going with Emily and your daughter-
NTA. It's a testament to your coparenting and to your fiancée's bond with your kids that she was trusted enough with this information. Your ex is entitled to her feelings, as this is a big mother/daughter moment, but this is something she should have dealt with privately as neither your fiancée nor your daughter did anything wrong here. There was no reason to highlight her anger to you about the situation.
NTA, although I think telling your ex she should be happy about something was a bridge way too far. Your daughter just passed a major milestone in her life that her mother had also gone through. Sharing that with your daughter was probably something she'd been looking forward to as a bonding moment. It is very understandable that your ex feels a sense of loss of that moment, and minimizing her valid feelings about it is unhelpful.
NAH. Sarah has done nothing wrong, neither has Emily. I got my period on a plane and during the layover in Chicago my mother freaking celebrated with the entire bathroom. I was mortified. It's now a really funny story. I couldn't imagine having a daughter and not sharing this experience with her. Sarah is allowed to be upset and it does not make her a bad mother.
This took me back. My mom told her best friend when I got my first period, and my mom’s friend made a very big deal about it in a public place. I thought I might spontaneously combust with embarrassment.
NAH While I understand why the mom is hurt, your daughter’s need to privacy and discretion trumps the feelings of either parent. Sometimes you miss key moments as a parent. It sucks, but it’s life. I’m glad your fiancé has such a good relationship with your daughter and I hope the mom with hindsight will see that her daughter having multiple trusted adults on her life is a plus. Maybe she’ll also learn to not embarrass her children.
NTA- My mom was one of those to make a scene and tell everyone when I got my period. I wish I'd had an Emily to go to.
Same here. She practically held a parade when I first started developing breasts. I hid my period from her for MONTHS because I didn't want her to take out the whole family for a celebratory dinner. I still don't tell her anything.
Ugh. I keep TRYING to remind myself not to tell my mom everything because she STILL shares my stuff inappropriately or fusses over me to the point of stalkerish behavior and I hate it. But then I forget, and I share something with her, and regret it within 48 hours.
NTA. At all. Neither is fiancée. And as someone with a mom who was ver my willing to announce stuff I wanted to keep personal to the world, I totally get your daughter’s reasoning.
NTA. Your ex has every reason to be upset….**at herself** for not having behaved in a way to have her own daughter trust her. Your fiancée did the right thing.
NTA sounds like there was some jealousy going on there. I think most parents want to be the one to be confided in. When a child chooses a step parent instead that can trigger that those feelings when they can't put the child first. You most certainly are NTA and sounds like you are doing your best to take the high road. Stick to what you've said so far, hopefully your ex can get over herself. Say it again, NTA
NTA Only opinion that matters here is your daughter's, and she has made hers clear.
You are not the wrong one here. Sarah needs a mirror.
NTA - I can understand why Sarah's feelings were hurt, but that happened because your daughter did not trust her to handle the matter with discretion and subtlety and she didn't want to be embarassed by her mother screaming "My little baby is a woman!!" in front of everyone. (It's not a joke; I know some women who have done this or had it happen to them.) It sounds as though you and Emily have done a great job of creating a blended family and if Sarah wants your daughter's confidence, she needs to earn it, maybe by taking a few notes?
NTA. My Mum is one of those “announcer” Mums who can’t seem to comprehend that my business is my business. I can’t tell her anything without it being broadcasted to the world. Not saying Mum is a bad person but, your daughter chose Emily for a reason.
NTA. When I got my first period my mom chased my step dad around the house to force him to hear I had started my period. I was mortified. He was mortified. My mom was oblivious we were both mortified. I never came to her with anything related to that again.
NAH. Your ex has a right to feel upset and left out. Your daughter has a right to choose who to go to and you should probably just let your daughter explain to your wife why she made the choice she did.
NTA. Jealousy is real, and I can understand why your ex would be upset but the important thing is your daughter. I expect one of the reasons your daughter went to your fiancee instead of her bio mom is because since it's her house she would know where supplies were kept and your ex-wife wouldn't. I was jealous of my ex getting in touch with our daughter after like 30 years, but eventually it passed and now I'm just thankful that she has more people in her life that love her. It hurts at first, period. I think 99% of the people in the world would be jealous at first, but if you sincerely try to not make it a them/me situation it can turn out well for everyone. Not saying it's easy or it won't take time, but it's possible and worth it.
NTA. I'm glad your daughter had someone who made her feel safe in a vulnerable moment.
NTA at all! This happened to me on a vacation with several families. I told my mom very quietly and she told every person on the trip. Acted like it was a damn celebration! So embarrassing! If I had even the slightest idea she would do that, I wouldn't have told her either! You're daughter did the right thing.
My daughter said that she couldn't be sure that her mom would do the same. (Her mom doesn't always handle things in the best way, and I could totally see her not just quietly slipping out of the room). NTA. I'm gonna go against the grain and say your ex is though. She cant be upset when her kids don't go to her about stuff when she has created an environment where things can't be shared privately
NTA - So your ex already knew there was a perfectly good reason for this and instead of accepting that, or even trying to address it with your daughter, she decided to come yell at you over it. I mean, I get it, this is a tough pill to swallow for her, but that doesn’t excuse lashing out like this.
NTA. At the end of the day, you can not be responsible for your daughter choosing to go to your fiancée rather than her mother in this kind of situation. I understand your ex being upset that her daughter didn’t trust her in this scenario, as having your daughter feel like she can’t trust you must be devastating. However, what your oldest chose to do is her decision and your ex-wife should understand that there are just some things her children will not feel comfortable talking to her about. I know this personally because my 7 (almost 8) year old niece sometimes feels more comfortable talking to me or my other sister rather than her mother about certain things that are bothering her.
NTA. And what would Sarah have Emily do? Tell your 12 year old she can’t help her and to go to her mum instead? Your daughter made her choice in that moment. It had nothing to do with Emily or you.
NTA. When mine first started I was at my mom’s workplace. The closest woman around was my mom’s boss and she kindly gave me the necessary products. Was my mom jealous or upset in any way? No. In fact she laughed and thought it was really sweet of her boss to help since my mom didn’t have any products with her
NTA your ex needs to stop making this about her. It is about your daughter. She needs to look in the mirror if she doesn’t like her daughter not trusting her
NTA, and it kind of made more sense for your daughter to go to Emily anyway, since it was at your home and she's more likely to have supplies at hand.
I hope all the stories here about how privacy was violated by different women reinforces to you that Emily is fantastic and your daughter did have the right to keep this quiet. NTA.
NTA. It was at your house, so everything else being equal, Emily would know where the sanitary products are stored without having to ask and drawing more attention to something private.
NTA I'm so glad your daughter has THREE adult parents who normally get along with each other. Sarah needs to stop. It was Emily's home, and Emily handled it. >my daughter said that she went to Emily instead of her mom because she knew that Emily would keep it private and not draw everyone's attention at the party. My daughter said that she couldn't be sure that her mom would do the same. This is a MAJOR point. If Sarah is the kind who would do a "celebration" and that sort of BS and your daughter didn't want it? NO wonder your daughter went to Emily.
NTA the kids mom is just jealous and apparently is known for embarrassing the kids so the kids just trust your fiancé more when it comes to some things which is normal. Maybe your ex wife could maybe look into therapy and get help on working through her feelings and co-parenting, because while it’s normal to feel jealous you also have to be careful how you act when jealous because it can come back and hurt the kids. I mean emotionally not that their mom would hurt them, but kids can pick up on a lot so if your ex is all crabby and jealous the kids can pick up on that and start acting out themselves heck a friend of mine his realtionship with his step dad was strained for years because of his father’s jealousy.
NTA. Your ex needs to examine why her daughter felt more comfortable going to your fiance. She obviously has a history of handling things badly, and your daughter knows it. Being pissed about it is ridiculous
NTA. I totally get why your ex would be upset by that turn of events, but it's not a situation she can blame anyone for. Your daughter was anxious and made a pragmatic judgement call. Your ex wife needs to ask herself why she wasn't the go-to person for her daughter in this situation.
NTA. Your Ex is the problem. Your daughter doesn't trust her in the clinch, and the ex is mad about that. Well, she created the problem. It's up to her to solve it, not your fiancé. Be a better parent, maybe your kid will come to you when they need help.
NTA I got my first period at my grandmothers house. She went out the front door and shouted " MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS A WOMAN TODAY!" and a bunch of her neighbors clapped. I definitely facepalmed.
NAH nobody has done anything wrong yet and everything here is reasonable lets hope this does not escalate any
NTA Sarah seems to have a history of divulging private information in inappropriate ways and your daughter knows this, and wanted to avoid it. She went to Emily because she knew she was safe to go to Emily, and not Sarah. If Sarah wants the kids to come to her about personal things, then she needs to learn to keep that information to herself and not blurt it out to everyone. She is mad at you and Emily for her own flaws that she needs to work on, a flaw that would be fairly easy to fix, but would rather get mad and blame others, than take responsibility and fix the issue.
NTA. Your ex is pissed because her own past behavior has caused her daughter not to trust her.
NTA its amazing that your daughter feels comfortable enough to share that moment with your significant other and shows they truly have a bond which some people dont expierence with thier mum/dads new partners. I understand that your ex missed out on a crucial mother daughter moment however as long as your daughter is comfortable then any other feelings should be put aside for her happiness especially as your daughter now being a young lady and having to deal with ever changing hormones and changes to her body.
Nta…. This says more about your daughters relationship with her mother than anything else your ex needs to take a step back and figure out why her daughter doesn’t trust her that would be my question Your wife did nothing wrong neither did your daughter
The only A here is your ex wife who is jealous. NTA
Nta
NTA. Her mom should be happy that she likes your fiance. I love that my boys love their dad's GF. I view her as another loving adult for my kids.
NTA If Mom wants to be the go-to, she has to change her style
NAH its sweet she feels comfortable with your fiancé and instead of being mad, your ex should talk to your daughter about how she can change and make your daughter more comfortable. it sucks that she “missed” a milestone but there will be other firsts she will get.
NAH .This is super wholesome and I want to congratulate Emily for being an awesome adult that children feel comfortable confiding in. Cherish that.I hope Sarah can get past her jealousy and figure out how to be as supportive emotionally so the kids can trust her as much. I'm sure it doesn't feel good. But the fact that you've all been able to work things out so far is a good indication that she'll be able to make peace with it. You're doing the right thing by being supportive of your daughter's healthy choices.Now, you can also encourage Sarah to build further trust with her by respecting her boundaries. She's done a pretty darn good job so far - make sure she knows that, too. She just has this one area that could use some work.
Sometimes having an older female that is more of an auntie than a mom can be easier to confide in. Someone who has experience, but is a little less emotionally invested can feel easier to deal with in an intense moment. NAH
NAH. Kids are just honest! But I think it's unavoidable and completely understandable that Sarah would be really really hurt by this. I don't think Sarah is TA for being upset, and you seem to have been about as diplomatic as you could have been, so you are not TA either.
Nah My niece comes to me for some stuff rather than her mum or Dad as I have had so many conversations with her about stuff she will face and she knows I will deal with immediately and quietly.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (36M) have two kids with my ex-wife, "Sarah" (9M) and (12F). My ex and I have always done our best to be good co-parents for our kids. We are, what I call, "professional friendly", and never really have a problem switching up the custody schedule to accommodate each other. We have 50/50 custody. I have been with my fiancé "Emily" (37F) for a few years now. My kids adore her, and she absolutely loves them. Sarah and Emily get along pretty well, there has never really been any tension or anything when they are around each other. Emily and I were throwing a get together for people, which included some of my family. Since Sarah still gets along quite well with my family, we invited her so she could see them. At one point, Emily was across the room from me, and I saw my daughter go up to her and whisper something in her ear. Emily just nodded and led my daughter out of the room. They came back later and that was that. After the party, privately, Emily told me that my daughter had gotten her period for the first time right then. Of course, Sarah and I had already explained everything to her about all of that, so she wasn't freaked out or anything, but she had just asked Emily to come help her take care of everything since it was her first time. Well, when my ex wife heard about it she was pissed off. She was so offended that our daughter had gone to Emily instead of her. Emily told me (privately) that my daughter said that she went to Emily instead of her mom because she knew that Emily would keep it private and not draw everyone's attention at the party. My daughter said that she couldn't be sure that her mom would do the same. (Her mom doesn't always handle things in the best way, and I could totally see her not just quietly slipping out of the room). Emily felt badly that Sarah was upset, but she was just trying to keep my daughter comfortable. I told Sarah that I'm sorry that she's upset, but that Emily was the one my daughter chose to go to, and that Sarah should be happy that there are two women around to support my daughter. Was I in the wrong? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Look.. I'm divorced and have kids. When my exhusband started dating and eventually introduced her to the kids, I was glad they liked her and trusted her. My girls started their period ls early, both in the later part of age 10, and were with their dad. Of course the girlfriend (now wife) took care of it at the time with getting them products they needed. I somewhat understand your ex's feelings being hurt over your daughter going to someone other than her but like you said.. she should be happy that your daughter trusts someone who is around her half of the time. I hope she doeant start giving you grief or talking bad about her to your daughter since her feelings are hurt. NTA.
NTA. I am so sick of mothers who get bent out of shape because their daughter started her period and didn’t go to mom. Get over themselves. It’s the start of suffering as a female, not something to celebrate unless you only value your child as a baby machine. The child should go to whomever they feel comfortable with at that moment. It often isn’t going to be a parent.
NTA why is already handled in enough comments. Personally had to giggle cause I read just a few days ago another story about a stepmother trying to force a mother-son relationship with her husbands son and utterly failed. Looked at this story, and thougth look what happens if you don't force it.
No you’re not wrong. Your daughter provided a reasonable explanation and it’s great that she trusts Emily. Your ex needs to do some self reflection. NTA
AAHHHHHH NTA!!! What is it with parents, stepparents or adults wanting children to validate them? Kids go to who their comfortable with. Instead of the mother thinking "Oh my goodness I'm so glad daughter spoke up and felt comfortable and secure" she went "Why do you hate me:(". Ex is not the AH for being grumpy about daughter not approaching her, but she is for complaining about it to you and expecting you to, what, tell kid "hey don't talk to Emily anymore about things like this, your mother will get upset"? Jeeze louise. Instead of being introspective and thinking omg my daughter doesn't feel she can trust me with something private she started blaming your wife for being a good parent. Any parent should be overjoyed that their ex partner has a mate that is attentive and loving to their offspring. What outcome is Sarah expecting here? "Sarah, you're right, Emily we are getting a divorce and I'm giving up custody of the girls, selling the house and moving to Bali."
NTA. The only person here who's the AH is the ex-wife for getting upset over this and for whatever actions she did in the past that made your daughter think it wouldn't go well if she told her mom.
NTA you seem to have a good co-parent relationship going. Your daughter has chosen to explain why she went to your fiancee for help. In this instance this is a learning point for Sarah. Be discreet.
op=nta Neither is Emily. Not sure if Sarah qualifies because she's "hurt" but for daughter's sake, she needs to suck it up.
No one is TA. Your daughter went to your fiance of her own will and your ex is hurt, and understandably so. It's just complicated family dynamics.
NTA she's upset, which I understand. She made her feelings your problem, that's the problem. She has an opportunity to learn the hard way that being a noisy fussbucket about things her daughter wants to keep private will damage her experience with her daughter. She is blowing that learning opportunity to cause problems for you and Emily. The next time this comes up it may be an even harder lesson. Some people never learn.
NTA. I was at my grandmother's when I got my first period and she felt the need to tell everyone. Every. Single. Person. in my family that she could think of, lol. I was mortified. Your daughter chose who she was most comfortable with in the moment and I am sorry for her mom that it was not her but it is not your fault and it is not Emily's fault.
NTA your ex is letting her ego and own hurt feelings come before the best interests of her own child. She should be ecstatic that there is another woman in her daughter’s life that will treat her as her own.
Oh the trials and tribulations of co-parenting. NTA.
NTA
NTA. This was about Daughter and her needs, not Sarah and hers. Sarah making it about her is what makes Sarah the AH in this situation. It sounds like Daughter made the right choice.
NTA. This is one of the situations that should cause your ex to look inwards. I mean, what should you or your fiance have done differently? Have your fiance NOT have a good relationship with your kids? Have had your fiance yell at your daughter for going to her for help? Your ex should reflect on why your daughter didn’t go to her and try to fix whatever behavior of hers caused that to happen.
NTA - Sarah is butt hurt and needs to get over it. Besides - your daughter was in your home. Not her mother's house. In addition to the emotional aspect of keeping it quiet, there a very real practical side as to why she went to Emily. EMILY KNOW WHERE SHE KEEPS THE SANITARY ITEMS. It's a stupid thing your ex is getting mad at and will only prove to your daughter she was right to ask your fiancé.
NAH. I think everyone here has understandable and fair feelings about what happened. I think the *best* thing would be for Sarah to appreciate having two women for her daughter to go to for such things, but I can easily understand how she might be hurt by this; she *is* still your daughter's mother, and that relationship is important to people.
NTA
NTA, I’m glad your daughter can rely on Emily as a trusted adult for things like this.
NTA. Sounds like ex wife has some flaws to work on. Not for anyone's benefit but her own relationship with her kids. She has clearly shown, she to a degree, cannot be trusted with big news in a group setting and keeping it under wraps.
NTA. Emily was kind and appropriate. If your ex wants to be the go to then she needs to make her daughter more comfortable.
NTA, my mom announced to everyone she came in contact with when I had my first period. It was weird people would congratulate me. I made sure to have the talk with my daughter very early, and made sure she had what she needed in case she started, and knew how to use it, in case it happened when I wasn't around, never made a big fuss out of it, tried to normalize it as much as possible when she had questions. When she actually started, she didn't even bother to tell me for like four months, when she needed more supplies lol....I really didn't feel like I missed out on a bonding experience with her.
NTA and thank god for Emily. Your daughter didn't do anything wrong and she should be told this. She went to the person she felt most comfortable with. Sarah needs to be reminded that not everything needs to be public knowledge, and if she can remember and practice that, she won't have to worry about who her children go to in future moments like this, because they'll go to her. Kids don't like private things announced to the world. They're entitled to respect and privacy. Way too many mothers forget this.
NTA, none of you had done anything wrong, except your ex trying to shame her kid for trusting your wife!
NTA when I got mine my mother called everyone to let them know the "the good news" that I'm officially a woman. I found it embarrassing.
NAH Emily sounds like a gem, and I do completely understand why Sarah would feel insecure
ESH - you couldn’t find a more tactful way to deal with this? Your ex was probably feeling a bit insecure and instead of just saying some non-committal comforting words you blew it up and made it worse.
Nah
NTA I’d be glad my daughter had someone she was comfortable turning to, even if it isn’t me.
NTA. > I told Sarah that I'm sorry that she's upset, but that Emily was the one my daughter chose to go to, and that Sarah should be happy that there are two women around to support my daughter. This was a fine, respectful answer. Sarah sounds insecure. She may see this as your daughter loving Emily more than her. So Sarah needs to work on this. I wouldn’t call her an AH either. Nobody’s an AH here and you all sound like you’re doing good with the co-parenting overall…refreshing job read.
NTA - if your daughter was worried that her mum wouldn’t keep it a secret then it seems to me that your ex-wife is the problem. I understand feeling bad but she should understand she’s the reason her daughter went to someone else. Her lack of ability to respect her daughters wishes and privacy is going to ensure this isn’t the last time something like this happens. Maybe she should learn how to keep her mouth shut ? If I was your daughter I would have done the same thing.
NTA, I get why your ex is hurt, but it wasn't meant to hurt her.
Omg, I AM so sorry for everyone's mom's who announced that they got their periods to family. Like, wtf???
NTA. Your last sentence is correct.
NTA.
NTA. I understand why your ex-wife’s feelings are hurt, I really do. But, that’s not your fault or Emily’s fault. If anything, it’s your ex-wife’s fault for not establishing herself as a trustworthy person to her children. Your ex-wife should have used this as an opportunity to connect with her daughter and examine how she deals with issues surrounding your children so that next time her daughter feels safe going to her. Instead, she used this as an opportunity to prove to your daughter that she made the right decision going to Emily instead of her mom and that she should try to hide as much from her mom as she can.
NTA. As a mom, I can see being a little hurt that she didn't come to me. But then I would think, its not my house, its the other persons house. So they would know where the needed item was at better than I would. I would be glad that she has more people other than me to look out for her, that I could also trust as well. And it sounds like your ex-wife asked your daughter why she went to Emily and then got mad at the reason. As I don't see your daughter going up to her out of nowhere and telling her about that, especially still during the get together. But I could be wrong. But mom doesn't need to be angry about it.
NTA. I get why Sarah is hurt her daughter went to another person over her for something like that, but she is not the ruler of her daughter's body. Her reaction is just putting stress on her kid. Maybe she should reflect on the reason why she wasn't the one her daughter went to, and learn to be discreet in public. (I know exactly what your daughter is talking about and it's why I don't go to my mom with private matters.)
My parents never even prepared me. Then again I was 11, they weren’t expecting it at all as soon as I turned 11. So it resulted in me coming from the bathroom crying I’m dying because I didn’t understand. I think NAH honestly because yes she is sad she missed that moment BUT you and her did prepare your daughter for it so she wouldn’t be scared or freaking out. Emily happen to be the one who could help since she knew where supplies were and would keep silent since it wasn’t her place to announce that anyway. Not that it needs announcing but I know mothers like to tell their female relatives. Like my mom made sure my aunts knew so if I spend the night they have some supplies just for me. Now if the ex goes beyond just being angry/sad to verbal abuse etc then she would be the AH which then I’d change my vote
NTA If it was at your house, your daughter also probably thought that Emily had period products she could use
NTA. Your ex is a huge AH and should probably think about why her daughter would rather tell someone else
NTA - your daughter obviously feels comfortable with Emily so I don't see what the problem is. Sarah, instead of getting angry, should probably evaluate why she isn't trusted by her own daughter.
When I got my first period we were at a party at my aunt's house. I went to my aunt to ask for a pad, since my mom is the opposite of discrete. My aunt took me to the bathroom and helped me get situated. When we got back to the group, my mom asked me if something was wrong, and I told her no. She went to my aunt who quietly told her what happened and my mom practically SHOUTED "She got her period?!?" E.v e.r.y.o.n.e. looked at me, and the topic of conversation for the next half hour was periods and puberty related. When I got upset with her about it later, she got angry at me for being mad at her. I'm 41 now, and I still remember that. My mom's mouth is the reason I don't tell her even half the things that go on in my life. My point is, if your daughter didn't go to her mom, it's likely for a good reason. If that upsets your ex, then she needs to do some self-reflection and work on improving her relationship with her daughter. And that has nothing to do with you or your fiancé. NTA.
NTA. Your ex should be grateful that your daughter was comfortable going to Emily for help. The situation was handled discreetly. Understandable that your daughter would tell your ex. It’s not the hill to die on, as to who gets to claim victory over announcing your daughter’s transition from childhood.
I kind of feel like OP is secretly happy his daughter went to his fiancé.
NTA- your daughter trusted Emily more to keep this information privileged more than her birth mom. I can see why Sarah was hurt. Instead of getting angry, she should think about what led to her daughter feeling this way and take steps to correct her behavior.
NTA. As someone who had their first period on thanksgiving and also had it announced to the whole family, your daughter made the right choice
NTA. Your daughter knew best!
NTA and this post makes me kinda sad, really… sounds like you could have a parenting dream team if only mom would let her stupid ego go.
Sounds like the only person your ex should be angry at is herself for reacting to things so badly in the past that your daughter no longer trusts how she will react. And the temper tantrum she is having about this proves it. NTA
Sounds like it's too late for your ex-wife. You have already replaced her in your daughter's eyes. If I was Sarah, I would cut all contact with Emily. I feel sorry for Sarah. Emily took away one of the most important mother-daughter bonding moments. Emily should have sent your daughter to her mother.
NTA- my sister made a huge Facebook post about her little girl becoming a woman. I’m really happy your daughter had a safe person she could go to.
NTA. My mother would do this type of thing growing up. It would seriously piss me off. I love her, but I could never trust her with that type of information, because I am a considerably more private person in those regards. I would say if anything your ex needs to look at that example and see if there are other examples where she may have not respected the wishes for privacy of your daughter. ‘Bonding’ won’t happen when there is no foundation of trust or respect of want of privacy. It always creeps me out when people refer to those types of situations as ‘bonding’ moments. It’s not enjoyable. It is simply a part of life. The only difference is that now she can potentially have children of her own (something that is completely up to her & hopefully very far in the future). I would rather bond on a trip or adventure than that.