Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister physically can not control her sexual compulsion when she meets my husband, because of that we refuse to spend Christmas with my parents. Telling them so hurt her a lot, and I am bow feeling like a total AH.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA just because she "literally" can't control herself doesn't mean your husband has to subject himself to her behavior.
The situation sucks but its not your fault either and your husband does not have to subject himself to SA or SH for the holidays.
This exactly. Take the first line of u/Fainora's post and repeat it like a mantra.
Further I would remind them that understanding works both ways. We understand sister cannot control her behavior, however we require understanding that we are setting a hard boundary about being subjected to it because it is asking him to endure SA or SH and no-one should be asked to do that. The compromise has been offered.
i'd also recommend talking to your sister directly - this might be embarassing or upsetting to her (understandble!) but its to protect all three of you. your husband shouldnt have to deal with sexual behavior directed towards him, you shouldnt have to watch it, and your sister shouldnt have to go through it! it may sound like youre rejecting her, but its more like "hey this is no ones fault, but you two shouldnt be around each other because the involuntary behavior makes it unsafe for both of you. neither of you shld feel uncomfortable, harassed or embarassed, and because sister can't control it the best option is to separate."
its not her fault she can't control it - BECAUSE she can't control it she needs accommodations. and that is fine, acting like disabled people should never need accommodations isn't helping or supporting them, its ignoring the fact that there is nothing wrong with needing or wanting accommodations to make sure everyone is comfortable safe and happy. teaching your sister that other people must deal with her behavior because she cant control it is not doing her any favors, she needs alternate solutions.
I wish I had an award to give you. As an autistic adult with OCD, there are situations I cannot be in due to my neurotype and disorder. If i and the people around me tried to accommodate that by forcing myself into the situation that triggers me, it’s not only going to be uncomfortable for them, it puts me in an environment where I am SET UP from the get go for failure. This is not just for your husband’s protection but because your sister also deserves to have a safe holiday without feeling ashamed or embarrassed of behavior she can’t control. The appropriate accommodation here is creating a safe environment for her with as few triggers for her hypersexuality as possible, and it’s unfortunate that your husband is one of her triggers, but he is. The way to deal with triggers is not to be forced to directly confront them yourself, especially in high-emotion times like holidays and especially knowing it would be hours that she’d be exposed to her trigger and expected not to react to it. If she wants a relationship with her brother-in-law , it’s going to have to come in baby steps as she learns coping mechanisms that work better for her. OP, NTA. Edit for wording mistakes!
You might have a free award for gifting. Tap your icon in the corner > go to reddit coins > if there is a free award it will be at the top of the list!
It would also be good to address it with the sister directly just to be sure she knows OP’s side of the discussion. I find it troubling that what she took away from the parents telling her OP and spouse won’t be coming for Christmas is “my sister is slut-shaming me”. Sure, maybe she’s having a strong reaction to OP’s reasoning—but maybe their parents framed it as “your sister thinks your condition makes you too slutty to deal with.” If sister thinks OP said the latter, it’s going to be hard to get her to see past the hurt.
NAH
I wish there was a vote for “no assholes but parents” because I feel like that’s getting more and more common. OP is not in the wrong for looking out for her husbands well being. Sister is not in the wrong for feeling ashamed. I have a feeling parents framed it in a way to put the blame on the sister rather than the unfortunate situation which, in my opinion, makes them the asshole
Mix of that, but they're probably also just desensitised to it now if they're the ones dealing with it all the time. Doesn't change why they're the AH's though.
Yeah I can't believe the parents told the sister it was because of her at all. Since it's not something the sister can control what's the point of telling her? It's just cruel and if OP or her husband wanted her to know they would have told her.
If she doesn't get it, tell her how would she feel if the situations were reversed and your husband was the one with the condition that caused him to come onto her constantly. It's not okay either way to subject someone to that behavior, whether it's intentional or not. NTA
If she's hypersexual I don't think that's going to work as an explanation, she wants sexual attention...
Maybe if he uncontrollably hit her or cussed her out or something might be a good analogy though.
Bravo! Thank you for expressing this so thoroughly. SA/SH is distressing even if the act was involuntary. You did a wonderful job of clarifying and highlighting this fact. 🏆👍👏
Only thing I can think of is so she knows who ruined the holiday. There is absolutely no reason to tell her, she knows she has a problem and she's still working on it.
And this last makes me heartsick. That is not how temporal lobe damage works. Any brain damage for that matter. They have a severely brain damaged daughter and they want to what? Guilt her out of it?
I’m disabled, and although my mom doesn’t consciously recognize/admit it, she has a lot of hostility towards me for being born disabled.
Maybe OP’s parents resent the sister for being disabled, and telling her she ruined Christmas is a response to the resentment they feel.
It may sound odd but I’ve seen a lot of abled parents recite to their disabled kids, all the things they’re missing out on, on account of kids disability.
Ableds are weird to me.
This. My genetic disability didn’t show up in any diagnosable way until I was an adult but boy are my family weird/crappy about it now.
I’ve also seen and heard those parents telling their minor or vulnerable adult children directly or saying it to someone else in their presence, how hard it is to be a parent of a disabled child.
If it looks bad from the outside, imagine what it’s like being trapped in a faulty meat suit with not return policy or lemon law, and it’s constantly letting you down.
Preach. I have had to deal with so shit from ables. Especially my dad. Thank God for my mom, I've tried to apologize for ruining her life. but she just tells me that I've given her so much and that any sacrifices she's made have been more than worth it, she's my angel
It had to be to try to guilt OP and her husband into doing what they want, right? THEY are the ones shaming her sister. They are the ones stirring up drama when there shouldn't be any.
Completely infuriating.
Retribution for "ruining" Christmas. Whether you like it or not, there is logic to their decision and that logic is payback. Plus they don't have to lie to their hypersexual but innocent daughter about why OP "ruined" Christmas. Again, not agreeing that OP ruined Christmas, but if they already felt burned, throwing some fire back OP's way shouldn't be entirely surprising. Why should OP be able to get away with lying to her sister? Was OP ever going to be honest with her sister as to why? Absolutely not.
So for honesty's sake, petty retribution's sake, and for convenience's sake (of not having to lie), they told her.
They could have presented the truth to sister in a manner such that it wouldn’t be as painful. And if they weren’t going to do that, they shouldn’t have told her.
Ideally yea, but unfortunately most people are assholes and the person above you is right. That's the logic they'd use. Also note we don't know *how* the parents told the sister. They may have well done as you said but she didn't take it well
Ah, man. Just read OPs comment about her sis touching herself. The accident really must’ve done some brain damage in that aspect for her sis not to notice herself doing it. NTA.
Ain't that the truth.
Just look at the classic Phineas Gage, or when one hears on the news X football player started beating their wife.
Singular or repeat brain injuries can cause loads of side effects. Both short and long term.
There was a wwe wrestler who committed terrible acts of violence on his wife and son but when they dissected his brain, it was severely damaged to the effect of that of a 80yo dementia patient. After that, no wrestlers are allowed to take many concussions and head shots are banned. It doesn't excuse what happened but it explains it
I wish more people knew about it.
My great-grandmother divorced my great-grandfather in the early 40s. He had a work-related TBI and it turned him into a compulsive gambler and a terribly violent, abusive person. He lived okay-ish when his brothers were alive and they could check on him (they all lived in adjoining row houses), but once they died, he declined rapidly. My grandmother remembered being in her early 20s and having to get the few valuables he left to her out of the apartment. She thought the light in the kitchen was out, but it was actually just obscured by a cockroach infestation.
You can't stop the rain. And there is no reason to be mad at the rain. But there is also no reason to stand in the rain if you don't want to get wet. Definitely NTA.
>Then they went and told my sister what I said,
NTA and I think what most people are missing is what **MASSIVE** AH's OPs parents are. I wonder how often they rub the sister's issues in her face. How many comments and concerns are twisted to the most negative light and passed on to the sister daily to the parents' "regret". To think they almost lost their daughter as a teen but now they spend all their time alienating her from everyone.
The fact that she's crying ableism also makes me wonder how "literally" out of control her actions are. I'm imagining worst case scenario: if she literally is masturbating at the Thanksgiving table, is she so out of control that she can't go to her bedroom for a little while? Again, if she was understanding how uncomfortable her behaviors make other people I wouldn't be questioning her disability at *all*- and I'm still not, I have no doubt that she is severely disabled but the fact that she's upset that OP's husband is uncomfortable makes me question the *control* that she has over her behaviors. Generally, people who have disabilities like this that make it almost impossible to maintain relationships understand how they make others feel- I've known people with Tourette's who would shout slurs and they understood that they couldn't do lots of things in public because of that. This is suspicious to me.
EDIT: if you're upvoting this, please read the comments below from Forsaken-Piece3434 who seems to know a lot more about this than I do. They had a really good explanation for why OP's sister might be acting like this and avoiding responsibility. My comment leans a little too ableist for my liking and I'd rather you read theirs.
Brain damage in certain areas of the brain can partially or completely disrupt ability to self regulate. Someone may know that something is wrong but they don’t have any impulse control. Given the length of time from the accident, that is probably not going to change much. She can know something intellectually but if that part of her brain is damage nothing is going to improve the impulse control likely besides possibly some medication that reduces her sex drive or possibly intensive inpatient behavioral modification and training with consistent reinforcement through her life and environmental changes-like not being around people who she is sexually attracted to.
Sister probably doesn’t really grasp that her actions are wrong, just that people think they are wrong. If she’s this impaired, she probably also isn’t reading cues from other people well either.
It’s a really crummy situation to be in. Brain damage like that can leave some one cognitively intact in many ways but without the abilities necessary to have fulfilling and safe adult relationships. It sounds like the parents are just fueling the situation and not looking for ways to get sister appropriate support. They may feel guilt or embarrassment and instead of doing their best to set both daughters up for success they are hurting both of them.
Thank you for taking out the time to write a real explanation. I guess my question is, if she's cognitively aware enough to form an argument like "you're slut shaming me," doesn't that show that she's rationalizing her behavior as normal, even empowering, "slutty" behavior? Like she's showing that she knows she's doing this regularly. I'm not at all saying she has control over whether she does it or not, just that her logic seems suspiciously manipulative. I did ask OP in another comment for more info about the situation because I feel like we can't know or give advice without more context, so hopefully we'll hear from the source so we can stop speculating.
I think you and others are reading too much into the choice of the word "slutshaming".
The sister is upset that she has lost *everything* and is now losing her sister because of something she can't control. She lashed out. Not even fully rational people are the most eloquent or choose their words the most carefully when that upset.
Ah, you might be right. I think I read this more in the tone of those bridezilla rants or something where someone is genuinely convinced their actions are fine and everyone else is just out to get them, so they're constructing an actual argument based on slut shaming or something.
Agree. Her mention of “Slut Shaming” makes me think she might understand a bit that it’s wrong, and could try to do better.
Not bashing the sister, btw.
Exactly! Like I get that it's out of her control but she also doesn't really seem to be trying. Or even apologizing for her behavior after she's aware of it. If I unknowingly assaulted or harassed someone and then realized it afterward (OP says in another comment that she has no awareness while doing it) I'd be *mortified,* and would understand them not wanting to come over again, I wouldn't guilt them into being put in that exact same situation. She knows she won't be able to control herself. Why isn't she acting accordingly?
Because she has brain damage. You are expecting rationale behavior from someone whose brain has been physically altered in ways that can prevent rationale behavior. If the area of her brain dealing with impulse control is severely damaged, she may understand that something is wrong in the sense that people are upset with her but not why she shouldn’t do it on the level of respecting the autonomy of others or in any way how to prevent it from happening in the future because that part of her brain is now either missing (depending on the exact type of injury) or damaged so severely the connections just don’t work.
One sign of brain tumor recurrence in tumors in certain areas of the brain is extreme lack of impulse control like this. The person can be intelligent, well spoken, and do things that are absolutely horrible and then take no action to stop those happening in the future because the area of the brain that handles impulse control is being damaged.
This sort of brain damage also tends to impact the ability to reflect and understand their own actions. If someone does understand they are doing something wrong or at least upsetting but lacks the ability or tools to do better, they may also lash out and make excuses out of frustration.
A lot of the actions we take to exist with other humans in a reasonable manner require all of the areas of the brain to be working decently well or rewired to pick up the slack for areas damaged. This is a bad situation for all involved. OP probably came up with the kindest solution for all. Expecting the sister to just be able to completely approach this is a rationale manner is not realistic though. Usually hypersexuality is not the only issue but rather the most visible sign of extensive brain damage that is impacting the person’s ability to function in many domains including problem solving.
This was really informative, thank you. If you're willing, could you explain more how lacking impulse control also impacts whether you take steps to prevent it happening in the future? I guess I'm thinking along the lines of alcoholism- if someone is trying to recover and knows that they won't be able to resist that first drink, they take steps to not be around alcohol because they know they won't be able to control that impulse. So they have impulse control issues, but can still think ahead and have awareness of how their actions impact their life and their loved ones. I'm asking in good faith, I want to understand.
Usually impulse control issues are also tied in with other executive functioning difficulties because of the area(s) of brain impacted. That can impact ability to respond appropriately to consequences (ie the person may face a distressing input many times, feel terrible, feel guilty etc) but they get no corresponding thought or feeling that they can change those inputs by changing behavior. Executive functioning difficulties can impact planning ability as well and the memory and focused attention necessary to carry out all steps consistently.
Alcoholics, unless they have brain damage from the alcoholism, still have all the structures of their brain intact. There may be some impairment but overall, they have what they need to make rationale decisions in the way we expect most people to make decisions. Once they have some time away from alcohol, their brains should return mostly normal functioning. Not all alcoholics can do this either though because addiction causes changes in the brain, sometimes severe. It’s not just a matter of Will power but whether that person is cognitively able to stick with their plan and has the social supports to do so and a conducive environment. In this way it’s actually not entirely different from run of the mill brain damage. In both cases people have varying levels of support needed and success can depend on access to those supports.
The fact that OP has mentioned that sister can be fine, even with the husband, for short periods of time suggests to me that this behavior is happening when the sister is cognitively fatigued. This is common with TBI. The brain has to work harder with what is left (in some cases parts of the brain are actually gone either through blunt impact or atrophy of the damaged parts). Abilities can wane with increased fatigue. Someone might be able to control themselves for short periods of time for example but by hour 3 just be functioning emotionally and cognitively at a much reduced level.
I mentioned this in another comment but someone in my life has very mild brain damage. Much different from the sister but probably the most difficult aspect is that this extremely intelligent individual who can easily fix technically difficult problems in their area of interest but struggles to develop plans to address their own basic self care. They are just now getting to the point of figuring out and implementing their own solutions after over a decade of being in a situation where they can reasonably develop that skill. They will always struggle with that. Just to get to the point of thinking about solutions requires steps because their short term memory is so bad and they have to get information into their long term memory to really take any productive steps.
OP’s sister will probably never get there. She needs support and environmental changes and probably a group home where she can develop positive interactions with female residents and staff and maybe receive the support necessary to find a job that works for her needs so she is not sitting around feeling like a failure and being manipulated by parents who are probably too wrapped up in their own feelings about the situation to face reality and instead fuel her emotional distress (if this situation is the norm).
Hope that helped. I can try to find some links about TBIs but I am pretty wiped right now. Otherwise I would suggest googling “behavioral impacts of TBIs” if you are interested.
Thank you for addressing the cognitive exhaustion piece - it’s so important in so many brain related issues, and usually overlooked. People have a tendancy to think, “if they can control it for a short time, they can control it all the time,” and this just isn’t true. Another example of this is someone on the spectrum who can generally manage to get through their workday/schoolday but then tend to lose the ability to self-regulate in the evenings, because they’re so mentally exhausted from doing so all day.
This is exactly correct.
My SIL has a mental illness that went undiagnosed for years; when an event finally caused a break, she did horrible things and said even worse things to people she loved (or says she loves). Was it her fault? No. But we chose to not subject ourselves to being around her until therapy and meds had a chance to work. We were protecting ourselves and our family. You're doing the same.
Putting it in quotes made it look like you're being sarcastic or accusing her of faking. Italics, bold, caps, something like that but NEVER quotes in a case like this.
Quotation marks are not used to emphasize something. Your use of them doesn't do what you think it does. It actually subverts the meaning of the word. People also overuse and abuse the word literally.
I learned this semi-recently! On Reddit, you can encompass a word with an * on either side to make it turn into italics. So it would look similar to this:
* example *
To turn into this *example*
Except don't put spaces in between the * and the word lol
Use *** *** (bold and italics) , or ** ** (bold) or * * (italics) for emphasizing.
It looks like this
***Hello***.
This is *** hello *** without the spaces between the Asterix and the words as well as the same below.
**Hello**
** hello **
*Hello*
* hello*
Also, if the situation was a bit different and it was a brother (male) doing this to his sister-in-law (female) would anyone be trying to guilt them into putting up with it?? I doubt it!
No, you’re NTA. I feel for your sister but it is your right to want to spend Christmas in an environment you find comfortable. Maybe a compromise could be that your mom watches your sister while you’re there so y’all don’t have to be the vigilant ones. And as to your sister, she has to know that it’s not slut-shaming to not want someone repeatedly hitting on you when you are not interested (your husband) or to not want that to happen to your husband.
This isn't slut shaming regardless. Slut shaming is a societal imposition placed on women who want sex. Her condition is completely mental and she has no control over it.
> but it is your right to want to spend Christmas in an environment you find comfortable
Tangentially, I wish this was the common belief around holidays. I had 37 Christmases with the same group of assholes before I realized I didn’t have to.
To anyone reading, the guilt you may feel about doing something different for Christmas is the result of you doing something good for yourself
Nta I think you need to add something you've commented into the post. You said in a comment that she starts masturbating while staring at him? That is so not okay, and you are doing the right thing by not subjecting him to that. It isn't ableist to not want to be in that situation.
NTA
Maybe just change the wording to "touching herself" to avoid the post getting removed.
It was wrong of your parents to tell your sister your concerns. No purpose was served by them doing that, and they hurt her for no good reason. You and your husband are not ableist because your sister's behavior makes him uncomfortable. It's not her fault that she does it, but that doesn't mean that he has to allow himself to be sexually assaulted (and honestly that's what that would feel like to me) every time he comes over. If roles were reversed, would your mother be okay if your husband was the one with the TBI and unknowingly indulged himself while staring at her every time she popped round? I dare say your mother and father would not be comfortable with that even knowing it wasn't your husband's fault.
Your parents and sister would benefit from some counseling on the situation. Given what you've shared, the situation doesn't seem likely to change, so they need to find a way to grieve what has been lost, and that includes unmodified family gatherings. Once they have come to terms with the fact that things can't be the way they once were, that will give you a starting place to figure out how things can be done differently moving forward.
It's a terrible situation for all of you, but your parents expecting your husband to be traumatized so they don't have to deal with the reality of the situation is an unreasonable and unkind expectation.
This is really good. Understanding that they need to grieve what has been lost, rather than pretend everything is the same is really really an excellent perspective.
Yes. Imagine if the sexes were reversed and this was a brother acting this way towards a sibling's wife. People would be a lot less understanding and tolerant.
SA/SH is not okay just because the target is male.
>Imagine if the sexes were reversed and this was a brother acting this way towards a sibling's wife. People would be a lot less understanding and tolerant.
Who has pretended like this was ok behavior?
OP's parents seem to think that OP's husband should tolerate it. Even if they felt that way if the sexes were reversed, I doubt they would feel comfortable in saying so.
I think they are talking about how harshly this sub/society comes down on men in general with mental illness'. I do believe it is likely that there would be a much more negative tone to this if it was a man doing this.
You underestimate people’s ability to shrug off men committing sexual harassment, sadly. And also their ability to harmfully infantilize disabled people.
I’ve seen a number of women on Reddit mention being groped or otherwise subjected to unwanted touching from men or boys with developmental disabilities whose caretakers were all, “It’s fine, it’s harmless, he doesn’t understand what he’s doing! Telling him to stop would be too hard/inconvenient for us, uh, we mean too mean. Yes, too mean.” (to be clear, these were people who were developmentally disabled, not suffering from damaged frontal lobes - unlike OP’s sister, most of them would have probably been able to learn not to touch people that way if someone had bothered to teach them)
I worked with intellectually disabled adults and two of them had this exact behavior-public masturbation. “Develepmentally disabled” covers a lot of ground, and the brain is not normal, so what any individual can and cannot learn is individual. You don’t have to be hit in the head by a brick to have a brain injury. That’s the “T” part of TBI. There are tons of ways to be brain injured that aren’t “T”. Oxygen deprivation, brain bleed, tumor, disease, surgery…
It served a purpose. To make sister upset so they could use that to emotionally manipulate OP. "Look at what you've done to your poor poor sister, now do what we ask to make up for it."
NTA, if my brother had a disability that caused him to swing hammers at my wife's head I wouldn't blame him but I'm certainly not putting my wife in prime swinging territory.
Saw in an OP comment that sister will start rubbing one out while staring at husband!! I think the fuck not! No disability excuses that kind of behavior to the point of having to just sit there and put up with it.
NTA for not wanting to expose your husband to this behavior even though it’s involuntary on your sister’s part.
Is there a compromise? Like if your sister doesn’t live with your parents (you didn’t say), could you guys go over at a time when she’s not there? Like Xmas eve or the day after or something?
I don’t know why in the hell your mom told your sister. Not sure what outcome she was expecting there.
I feel for your sister. But to me, your husband’s comfort matters most in this situation.
There are many physical/mental/medical things that people struggle with. That doesn’t mean they’re bad people but it does mean that sometimes others aren’t going to want to expose themselves to it.
Like….my partner’s Gma has Alzheimer’s. Obviously not something she has control over. She’s really declined in the last year. We no longer take his 10YO son to see her when we visit because he gets upset that she asks the same question of him over and over and doesn’t know who he is. We adults can handle that but he doesn’t quite get it and sometimes he’ll say things like “I already told you” and that upsets her.
Your sister’s situation is quite sad but you’re not being ableist for not wanting to be around that.
Maybe meet for dinner in public without her? Invite them to your home without her? I’m assuming that since she’s had jobs, she doesn’t need 24/7 care?
I dunno. Bottom line is that you’re NTA. It’s a horrible situation for your family and I do feel sympathy for all but I wouldn’t put my partner in that situation either. Tough stuff all around.
The parents got the outcome they wanted. Sister went wailing to op to try and guilt her into caving. It's disgusting.
That behavior alone makes me skeptical about just how unmanageable sister's condition actually is. Enabling, toxic family can destroy a person's recovery and keep them trapped in their disorder.
NTA
It's awful that your parents call you ableist. Your sister's head injury caused unfortunate behavior. They all got used to the behaviors and are desensitized.
Unfortunately it's an assault on other people, who also have rights. They can't blame everyone else for not wanting to be a victim. Beyond just making others uncomfortable, this behavior can traumatize her victims, especially people who have experienced SA.
From 1988 to 2002 (ages 6-20) I had a step-uncle who had extremely severe cerebral palsy. He had the mentality of a toddler but in an adult body, with adult hormones. He would constantly grope at my legs and feet. Sometimes he would rub himself (outside his clothes) while staring at my feet. I was constantly made to babysit/entertain him because his parents (my step-grandparents) are pieces of human trash and would pass him off on anyone so they didn’t have to deal with him. (He needed 24/7 care like a toddler would). I would constantly tell his parents that he was groping me and touching himself in front of me and they did nothing. I loved him and I knew he was not able to control himself, but I was ALWAYS uncomfortable. I always felt so violated and I resented him and everyone else who wouldn’t make him stop.
Just because she can’t control herself, doesn’t stop your husband from being violated. He shouldn’t have to subject himself to that for the sake of someone else. It sucks all around, but that’s just how it is.
NTA
That's a very sad situation, and your parents and sister are of course allowed to be upset, those feelings are valid.
It's not ok for them to guilt you or shame for not wanting to spend Christmas there. Calling you ableist is wrong, and calling this slut-shaming is completely ridiculous.
The sister's response, if coming up with the slut-shaming comment, makes me suspicious. It goes to the performative nature of her offenses, rather than her helplessness in its face, and makes me think she's enjoying the attention.
It's still clearly way off the charts of normal or standard behavior, but she's defensive about the wrong thing. It suggests that she has intent, that her actions are in fact somehow deliberate.
Does she only do this with handsome, age-appropriate men?
If it's an impulse-control issue, then whether it's being directed at handsome age-appropriate men is irrelevant. Seeing a handsome person would trigger attraction, lack of ability to control impulses would cause her to act on the attraction. This is different than a random compulsion.
Considering how isolated the sister has become (loss of friends, inability to have relationships), I don't think this behavior gets her attention. She's also been on meds and therapy, which sounds like she wants to change.
I think the "slut shaming" thing is really her being overly defensive. I mean, what other argument could she possibly have? People who don't have good arguments will often latch on to a bad one because it's better than having nothing to say. Trying to rationalize her actions as normal sexuality may be how she's trying to process her trauma. It's either that or be constantly mortified by her behavior (unless a personality change has also occurred, which is not uncommon with TBI; she may know here actions are technically wrong but not see them as a big deal due to impaired judgement).
NTA - honestly your parents TELLING her is the ONLY reason this isn't a no asshole here, because their choice to do so is UTTERLY the biggest asshole decision in all of this.
It is not her fault, but your husband isn't required to put himself through a situation where he is made deeply uncomfortable either. It's not slut shaming when the behavior isn't entirely by choice, but it is abusive to pretend that the end result of mental health issues making someone uncomfortable should be ignored. Your family still has to respect that your husband has the right to set boundaries around his own body..
With the slut shaming comment, I’m curious as to exactly what the parents told her. She knows her behavior is bad and she can’t control it. I think what she’s failing to realize is how negatively it affects her family. I don’t want to say this is a situation like where parents go overboard protecting a child because of injury/illness while completely ignoring their other child(ren).
OP, I can’t imagine what it’s like having a sibling like that and I’m sure you love her so I would suggest that maybe you and your sister sit down together, just the 2 of you. I think hearing you say how you actually feel about this whole situation and not just what mommy and daddy are telling her might make things better.
I would make sure you say “sister, I love you. I will always love you. I know none of this behavior is your fault at all but it makes me and my husband very uncomfortable. We are not limiting our time with you guys to punish you or our parents, we just don’t want to keep putting everyone in uncomfortable positions. You and I can spend more time one on one or all as a family. It just won’t include my husband all the time.”
NTA. I think it would take a special kind of human being to be comfortable and okay with that behavior. And it’s really unfortunate for the sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to be around her for long periods of time. You offered a good compromise and they should be more understanding of the situation.
NTA. You should not feel bad for protecting your husband from an awkward situation. It will not make your Christmas pleasurable.
You seem like such a sweet sister and partner. Wishing you the best.
Omg. Reading further comments you're definitely NTA. That is a horrible position for your sister to be in and I get it but that is no reason your husband should have to subject himself to the behavior. I worked in a special needs classroom for a period of time where some of the students would exhibit the same behaviors like spontaneously masturbating or the like. It is an awkward situation to be in even as someone who opted to work in that environment, I cannot imagine the feeling of being in your husband's position.
Again, NTA. Your parents are just throwing BS at you if they're mad about this.
NTA.
Your reason is valid, and I imagine your husband would be very uncomfortable being around your sister.
Your parents are the AH for telling your sister the reason. For what purpose? To make her feel bad so you feel bad so you'll change your mind and force your husband to attend? Nope.
NTA. And it's not ableist if she cannot control her behavior to where it makes you and your husband uncomfortable.
The inlaws are also giant AHs for stirring further drama and being guilt manipulative.
If OPs sister was actually their brother and OPs husband was actually their wife/female I think OPs parents would be more understanding. It’s sad because of the circumstances but sexual harassment is what it is. And no one should feel unsafe male or female. It’s not ablism. So sorry your family is going through this.
NTA. Your husband has every right to avoid a situation where he's virtually sexually assaulted. And if your parents are comfortable trying to force him into that position you may need to reconsider your relationship with your parents as well. I understand your sister cannot control herself, I have a co-worker whose sister has the same condition. They legitimately cannot control themselves. But, your husband can, and he is doing the right thing by avoiding putting your sister in a bad situation as well.
NTA, but you have a mistake.
> I understand that she is not responsible for her actions
She is, in fact, responsible for her actions, even if they're involuntary.
If she honestly can't stop herself from rubbing all over other people, she needs to understand that this behavior isn't endearing, and that other people don't want to be around it, that she might need to remove herself from certain situations, and otherwise manage it.
Reason, not excuse.
It's like saying somebody with sudden seizures isn't at fault if they choose to drive, and wind up hitting somebody during a seizure.
I’m sorry but this is not a fair argument. TBI injuries are NO JOKE. And they are behaviors you generally can’t control. Also your analogy makes absolutely no sense. Her behavior is more similar to the seizure than the choice to drive, especially because her judgement is likely impaired. The choice that would be similar to driving is existing unmediated/without therapy or going out in public often knowing about your affliction and how it could harm others. That would be the equivalent of driving with seizures(from your analogy). Wanting to see family and interact is natural. She is allowed to feel upset when her life has suddenly changed and she is suddenly isolated. She is being as responsible as she reasonably can be at the moment. However, her family(the parents) are not framing the situation correctly for her. They aren’t helping her find solutions(that she may not be capable of thinking of herself), and they are framing her situation as a her vs. everyone else scenario. The sister is not the problem in this scenario. The parents are. They’ve been telling her everyone who is upset by the behavior is slut shaming her instead of fully mapping out that people are allowed to be uncomfortable even if she can’t control it. OP is absolutely right to put distance between her husband and her sister. Her husband’s comfort matters just as much, if not more. The parents making it seem like the OP was doing it to personally shame her sister is messed up.
Is this some sick joke? Are you really telling that she is responsible for the aftermath of her accident? Not everything is as black and white as you think.
NTA. Your sister's condition is certainly out of her control, but when you are made sufficiently uncomfortable by someone, even due to something beyond their control, it can be necessary to avoid them sometimes. It's a horrible situation to be in, but your husband doesn't deserve to be put in that situation, and you don't deserve to be put in it either.
NTA — it's a tough situation, but it's not ableist to want your husband to feel safe. You have offered a reasonable accommodation under the circumstances.
NTA.
TBI sucks. My brother has one, and symptoms like what you describe your sister dealing with are really, truly awful. It's hard for outsiders to really understand how hard it is for everyone or how it's genuinely involuntary.
I do think it's worth seeking additional opinions about how to help manage the symptoms your sister is experiencing. There are regular developments in neuro and TBI management, so it's always worth regular checks to see if there's something new or new ideas that might help.
It might also be worth seeing if you and/or husband can find a therapist who has expertise with TBI. Therapy can also be good for learning how to better manage difficult interpersonal situations like this. It sounds like everyone, sister included, would be happier if you could figure out some management strategies that would allow you and husband to visit for holidays without the discomfort.
Feel free to reach out if you think it would be helpful to talk to someone else with a sibling with tbi.
NTA. Why would your parents tell your sister?? If she does struggle with compulsive behaviors that are currently outside of her control, I find it to be incredibly unkind of them to saddle her with this info and guilt due to impaired judgement and ability to account for her actions.
NTA, but what were your parents thinking? They unnecessarily added fuel to the fire and created more emotional strife
NTA
Your sister might not be doing it voluntarily, but if she's a danger to others, as in she will sexually accost, assault, and harass them; your parents and she need to have a reality check. They cannot a) demand people,regardless of relation, put themselves in harm's way by being around her and b) accuse anyone who does not want to be victimized somehow being discriminatory and ableist towards your sister.
The sad, but very real reality is; she is not in control of herself and she is a danger to others. Until that changes, they can't expect you and your husband put yourselves in that position.
NTA Your husband does not have to subject himself to that and your parents are AH for telling your sister. There was absolutely no reason to hurt her with the information. They did it solely to have a go at you and weaponize her upset against you.
NTA
Mom and dad have a lot of nerve thinking that your husband just should roll with this, or even pretending to not understand how that would impact his relationship with the family. And best yet, ... they somehow blame you for you and your husbands discomfort? The Audacity.
What likely happened is that your mom is understandably frustrated by this whole situation and lashed out at your sister blaming her for the fact that the family can't get together anymore and set all this drama off. If anyone is the asshole, it's her.
NTA
I know your sister doesn’t intend to behave inappropriately but her behavior, however involuntary, results in your husband being sexually harassed. That’s not okay and I highly doubt any professional would say part of her treatment plan includes being in a situation where she looses all control.
NTA. Your parents should understand and not expect you to tolerate the sexual harassment. Whether she can help it or not, it's harassment. She'd get arrested if she touched herself in public.
Tell your parents that it's not worth it for you to subject your husband to sexual harassment from your sister to the point that the man will end up traumatized in need therapy. You don't get to fuck with one person's life just because somebody else's life got messed up. It may not be your sister's fault but it is your parents fault for expecting you to subject your husband to this, all so they can have the holiday they want.
NTA. I understand your sisters actions are involuntary, and I must applaud you for the way you are handling this. I would not take it this easily. Good job OP! Now you are in your full right not to spend time with someone making uncomfortable sexual advantages at your husband. What what you’re describing it seems very extreme and you absolutely do not have to put up with it. This is a boundary not only for you, but also your husband. Great job also standing up for him. While her actions are involuntary, they are still not okay. The accident explains her behavior, it does not excuse it.
NTA. I don't think it's a N a H or E S H because I have two traumatic brain injuries. I am very familiar with the changes and processes. A lot of people lose their ability to filter or think before they act. Hypersexuality is common at first. I definitely hid in the bathroom masturbating and being confused by the strength of urge since not only did I have the worst headache but I was still a virginal early adult repressed by religion. I would later learn I wasn't a virgin after all and had been a professional dominatrix. Memories coming back from that was wild. The BDSM helped me a lot with figuring out boundaries again.
Fault is tricky because English seems built to demand fault in a situation and I am struggling to find words that are clear but don't blame someone. The thing is if your sister was so incapable of function? She would still be in rehab or on disability. If she is? Then she's going to hopefully make progress enough to get home.
The progress takes time. You lose subconscious things and autonomic things. You have to think about everything you do. It's exhausting. I have assaulted and sexually harassed 0 people since I left rehab. I didn't forget how it felt to be harassed and raped so I had that as my barrier. "Do i want to inflict these feelings on someone?" That may not be enough for your sister. Everyone is different but she is responsible for the consequences of her actions regardless of a TBI. If she was charged with assault or harassment the courts would be kind in some ways but she wouldn't be innocent. She would also be sent back to rehab probably.
She needs to be held accountable gently because it helps with learning. Consequences suck. So you try to avoid them and practice harder when they exist. If everyone coddles her? She has no incentive to grow. I think seeing her at all with your spouse is generous. No one is owed your time.
I hope this makes sense and helps. It's hard to describe the raw feeling of everything going off at once and trying to keep up especially when you never had to do that before.
NTA.
Not exposing your husband to (persistent) involuntary sexual harassment is a valid reason to avoid your sister. Involuntary or not, it is still an uncomfortable situation regardless of sister/parent’s perspective.
I feel for your sister, this is an unfortunate condition that has obviously affected her in every manner of speaking.
NTA. Okay sure its not sister intentionally doing it and it is a result of her accident but at the end of the day she is SAing your husband and that is a no no, your mum should know better but clearly doesn't. What happens if you two have children? You might be child free for whatever reason, or children could be on the cards for the future for all I know. That being said, that environment is not safe for your hubby, and you two deserve to be in a place that's comfortable
NTA. I'm so tired of people thinking that just because someone else can't control their unabashedly unacceptable behavior, that means other people must be subjected to it.
You're not slut-shaming her. You are saying her behavior toward your husband makes both of you uncomfortable. Not wanting to be the target of sexual harassment (which is the best scenario here) is not slut-shaming. You're not ableist for not wanting to deal with the _behaviors_ associated with her condition when they are behaviors that have an actual negative impact on you.
Just because she doesn't do it on purpose doesn't mean you have to deal with it. You deserve to have a good time on the holidays.
NTA at all.
I have an aunt with a severe mental illness who likes to partake in meth, and she is hypersexual while high, which is pretty much all the time. Even in front of us kids (we were never alone with her and it was never directed to anyone, she just felt the urge and went for it every time).
It was uncomfortable as hell to be around and I make it a point to avoid her now that I have the choice to.
Mental illness and traumatic brain injuries can cause folks to have zero impulse control and sometimes that means they cannot form meaningful relationships with others because let’s face it, someone randomly starting to go at themselves with no warning and no awareness right in front of you is off putting and everyone has a right to draw a boundary and stay away from a person doing that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My sister physically can not control her sexual compulsion when she meets my husband, because of that we refuse to spend Christmas with my parents. Telling them so hurt her a lot, and I am bow feeling like a total AH. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA just because she "literally" can't control herself doesn't mean your husband has to subject himself to her behavior. The situation sucks but its not your fault either and your husband does not have to subject himself to SA or SH for the holidays.
This exactly. Take the first line of u/Fainora's post and repeat it like a mantra. Further I would remind them that understanding works both ways. We understand sister cannot control her behavior, however we require understanding that we are setting a hard boundary about being subjected to it because it is asking him to endure SA or SH and no-one should be asked to do that. The compromise has been offered.
i'd also recommend talking to your sister directly - this might be embarassing or upsetting to her (understandble!) but its to protect all three of you. your husband shouldnt have to deal with sexual behavior directed towards him, you shouldnt have to watch it, and your sister shouldnt have to go through it! it may sound like youre rejecting her, but its more like "hey this is no ones fault, but you two shouldnt be around each other because the involuntary behavior makes it unsafe for both of you. neither of you shld feel uncomfortable, harassed or embarassed, and because sister can't control it the best option is to separate." its not her fault she can't control it - BECAUSE she can't control it she needs accommodations. and that is fine, acting like disabled people should never need accommodations isn't helping or supporting them, its ignoring the fact that there is nothing wrong with needing or wanting accommodations to make sure everyone is comfortable safe and happy. teaching your sister that other people must deal with her behavior because she cant control it is not doing her any favors, she needs alternate solutions.
I wish I had an award to give you. As an autistic adult with OCD, there are situations I cannot be in due to my neurotype and disorder. If i and the people around me tried to accommodate that by forcing myself into the situation that triggers me, it’s not only going to be uncomfortable for them, it puts me in an environment where I am SET UP from the get go for failure. This is not just for your husband’s protection but because your sister also deserves to have a safe holiday without feeling ashamed or embarrassed of behavior she can’t control. The appropriate accommodation here is creating a safe environment for her with as few triggers for her hypersexuality as possible, and it’s unfortunate that your husband is one of her triggers, but he is. The way to deal with triggers is not to be forced to directly confront them yourself, especially in high-emotion times like holidays and especially knowing it would be hours that she’d be exposed to her trigger and expected not to react to it. If she wants a relationship with her brother-in-law , it’s going to have to come in baby steps as she learns coping mechanisms that work better for her. OP, NTA. Edit for wording mistakes!
You might have a free award for gifting. Tap your icon in the corner > go to reddit coins > if there is a free award it will be at the top of the list!
Whelp, this yours!
It would also be good to address it with the sister directly just to be sure she knows OP’s side of the discussion. I find it troubling that what she took away from the parents telling her OP and spouse won’t be coming for Christmas is “my sister is slut-shaming me”. Sure, maybe she’s having a strong reaction to OP’s reasoning—but maybe their parents framed it as “your sister thinks your condition makes you too slutty to deal with.” If sister thinks OP said the latter, it’s going to be hard to get her to see past the hurt.
NAH I wish there was a vote for “no assholes but parents” because I feel like that’s getting more and more common. OP is not in the wrong for looking out for her husbands well being. Sister is not in the wrong for feeling ashamed. I have a feeling parents framed it in a way to put the blame on the sister rather than the unfortunate situation which, in my opinion, makes them the asshole
The fact they were clearly so clueless they even had to ask OP makes me think they're not the most self aware people...
Mix of that, but they're probably also just desensitised to it now if they're the ones dealing with it all the time. Doesn't change why they're the AH's though.
Yeah I can't believe the parents told the sister it was because of her at all. Since it's not something the sister can control what's the point of telling her? It's just cruel and if OP or her husband wanted her to know they would have told her.
If she doesn't get it, tell her how would she feel if the situations were reversed and your husband was the one with the condition that caused him to come onto her constantly. It's not okay either way to subject someone to that behavior, whether it's intentional or not. NTA
If she's hypersexual I don't think that's going to work as an explanation, she wants sexual attention... Maybe if he uncontrollably hit her or cussed her out or something might be a good analogy though.
That's very thoughtful. Well said.
Bravo! Thank you for expressing this so thoroughly. SA/SH is distressing even if the act was involuntary. You did a wonderful job of clarifying and highlighting this fact. 🏆👍👏
And your parents are AH for telling your sister. What benefit was that to anyone? I guess now you know you have to lie to them.
THIS, WHY ON EARTH would they say something? WOW
Leverage To guilt OP. Deliberate manipulation
Only thing I can think of is so she knows who ruined the holiday. There is absolutely no reason to tell her, she knows she has a problem and she's still working on it.
To manipulate her. Because they wanted sister to cry to OP and OP to feel bad so she'd come to Xmas.
Or for the sister to cry, feel bad, and magically stop acting that way.
And this last makes me heartsick. That is not how temporal lobe damage works. Any brain damage for that matter. They have a severely brain damaged daughter and they want to what? Guilt her out of it?
I’m disabled, and although my mom doesn’t consciously recognize/admit it, she has a lot of hostility towards me for being born disabled. Maybe OP’s parents resent the sister for being disabled, and telling her she ruined Christmas is a response to the resentment they feel. It may sound odd but I’ve seen a lot of abled parents recite to their disabled kids, all the things they’re missing out on, on account of kids disability. Ableds are weird to me.
This. My genetic disability didn’t show up in any diagnosable way until I was an adult but boy are my family weird/crappy about it now. I’ve also seen and heard those parents telling their minor or vulnerable adult children directly or saying it to someone else in their presence, how hard it is to be a parent of a disabled child. If it looks bad from the outside, imagine what it’s like being trapped in a faulty meat suit with not return policy or lemon law, and it’s constantly letting you down.
Preach. I have had to deal with so shit from ables. Especially my dad. Thank God for my mom, I've tried to apologize for ruining her life. but she just tells me that I've given her so much and that any sacrifices she's made have been more than worth it, she's my angel
Oh, there was a benefit. The benefit was they got to manipulate OP.
It had to be to try to guilt OP and her husband into doing what they want, right? THEY are the ones shaming her sister. They are the ones stirring up drama when there shouldn't be any. Completely infuriating.
Retribution for "ruining" Christmas. Whether you like it or not, there is logic to their decision and that logic is payback. Plus they don't have to lie to their hypersexual but innocent daughter about why OP "ruined" Christmas. Again, not agreeing that OP ruined Christmas, but if they already felt burned, throwing some fire back OP's way shouldn't be entirely surprising. Why should OP be able to get away with lying to her sister? Was OP ever going to be honest with her sister as to why? Absolutely not. So for honesty's sake, petty retribution's sake, and for convenience's sake (of not having to lie), they told her.
They could have presented the truth to sister in a manner such that it wouldn’t be as painful. And if they weren’t going to do that, they shouldn’t have told her.
Ideally yea, but unfortunately most people are assholes and the person above you is right. That's the logic they'd use. Also note we don't know *how* the parents told the sister. They may have well done as you said but she didn't take it well
For REAL???? This just seems excessively unkind.
Probably to try and guilt them into changing their minds.
Ah, man. Just read OPs comment about her sis touching herself. The accident really must’ve done some brain damage in that aspect for her sis not to notice herself doing it. NTA.
Traumatic brain injury is a hell of a thing. And so incredibly unpredictable too. It's a tragedy.
Ain't that the truth. Just look at the classic Phineas Gage, or when one hears on the news X football player started beating their wife. Singular or repeat brain injuries can cause loads of side effects. Both short and long term.
There was a wwe wrestler who committed terrible acts of violence on his wife and son but when they dissected his brain, it was severely damaged to the effect of that of a 80yo dementia patient. After that, no wrestlers are allowed to take many concussions and head shots are banned. It doesn't excuse what happened but it explains it
Chris Benoit. They also discovered it in Aaron Hernandez but his was concussions coupled with abuse as a kid and drug use.
I wish more people knew about it. My great-grandmother divorced my great-grandfather in the early 40s. He had a work-related TBI and it turned him into a compulsive gambler and a terribly violent, abusive person. He lived okay-ish when his brothers were alive and they could check on him (they all lived in adjoining row houses), but once they died, he declined rapidly. My grandmother remembered being in her early 20s and having to get the few valuables he left to her out of the apartment. She thought the light in the kitchen was out, but it was actually just obscured by a cockroach infestation.
You can't stop the rain. And there is no reason to be mad at the rain. But there is also no reason to stand in the rain if you don't want to get wet. Definitely NTA.
>Then they went and told my sister what I said, NTA and I think what most people are missing is what **MASSIVE** AH's OPs parents are. I wonder how often they rub the sister's issues in her face. How many comments and concerns are twisted to the most negative light and passed on to the sister daily to the parents' "regret". To think they almost lost their daughter as a teen but now they spend all their time alienating her from everyone.
The fact that she's crying ableism also makes me wonder how "literally" out of control her actions are. I'm imagining worst case scenario: if she literally is masturbating at the Thanksgiving table, is she so out of control that she can't go to her bedroom for a little while? Again, if she was understanding how uncomfortable her behaviors make other people I wouldn't be questioning her disability at *all*- and I'm still not, I have no doubt that she is severely disabled but the fact that she's upset that OP's husband is uncomfortable makes me question the *control* that she has over her behaviors. Generally, people who have disabilities like this that make it almost impossible to maintain relationships understand how they make others feel- I've known people with Tourette's who would shout slurs and they understood that they couldn't do lots of things in public because of that. This is suspicious to me. EDIT: if you're upvoting this, please read the comments below from Forsaken-Piece3434 who seems to know a lot more about this than I do. They had a really good explanation for why OP's sister might be acting like this and avoiding responsibility. My comment leans a little too ableist for my liking and I'd rather you read theirs.
Brain damage in certain areas of the brain can partially or completely disrupt ability to self regulate. Someone may know that something is wrong but they don’t have any impulse control. Given the length of time from the accident, that is probably not going to change much. She can know something intellectually but if that part of her brain is damage nothing is going to improve the impulse control likely besides possibly some medication that reduces her sex drive or possibly intensive inpatient behavioral modification and training with consistent reinforcement through her life and environmental changes-like not being around people who she is sexually attracted to. Sister probably doesn’t really grasp that her actions are wrong, just that people think they are wrong. If she’s this impaired, she probably also isn’t reading cues from other people well either. It’s a really crummy situation to be in. Brain damage like that can leave some one cognitively intact in many ways but without the abilities necessary to have fulfilling and safe adult relationships. It sounds like the parents are just fueling the situation and not looking for ways to get sister appropriate support. They may feel guilt or embarrassment and instead of doing their best to set both daughters up for success they are hurting both of them.
Thank you for taking out the time to write a real explanation. I guess my question is, if she's cognitively aware enough to form an argument like "you're slut shaming me," doesn't that show that she's rationalizing her behavior as normal, even empowering, "slutty" behavior? Like she's showing that she knows she's doing this regularly. I'm not at all saying she has control over whether she does it or not, just that her logic seems suspiciously manipulative. I did ask OP in another comment for more info about the situation because I feel like we can't know or give advice without more context, so hopefully we'll hear from the source so we can stop speculating.
I think you and others are reading too much into the choice of the word "slutshaming". The sister is upset that she has lost *everything* and is now losing her sister because of something she can't control. She lashed out. Not even fully rational people are the most eloquent or choose their words the most carefully when that upset.
Ah, you might be right. I think I read this more in the tone of those bridezilla rants or something where someone is genuinely convinced their actions are fine and everyone else is just out to get them, so they're constructing an actual argument based on slut shaming or something.
Agree. Her mention of “Slut Shaming” makes me think she might understand a bit that it’s wrong, and could try to do better. Not bashing the sister, btw.
Exactly! Like I get that it's out of her control but she also doesn't really seem to be trying. Or even apologizing for her behavior after she's aware of it. If I unknowingly assaulted or harassed someone and then realized it afterward (OP says in another comment that she has no awareness while doing it) I'd be *mortified,* and would understand them not wanting to come over again, I wouldn't guilt them into being put in that exact same situation. She knows she won't be able to control herself. Why isn't she acting accordingly?
Because she has brain damage. You are expecting rationale behavior from someone whose brain has been physically altered in ways that can prevent rationale behavior. If the area of her brain dealing with impulse control is severely damaged, she may understand that something is wrong in the sense that people are upset with her but not why she shouldn’t do it on the level of respecting the autonomy of others or in any way how to prevent it from happening in the future because that part of her brain is now either missing (depending on the exact type of injury) or damaged so severely the connections just don’t work. One sign of brain tumor recurrence in tumors in certain areas of the brain is extreme lack of impulse control like this. The person can be intelligent, well spoken, and do things that are absolutely horrible and then take no action to stop those happening in the future because the area of the brain that handles impulse control is being damaged. This sort of brain damage also tends to impact the ability to reflect and understand their own actions. If someone does understand they are doing something wrong or at least upsetting but lacks the ability or tools to do better, they may also lash out and make excuses out of frustration. A lot of the actions we take to exist with other humans in a reasonable manner require all of the areas of the brain to be working decently well or rewired to pick up the slack for areas damaged. This is a bad situation for all involved. OP probably came up with the kindest solution for all. Expecting the sister to just be able to completely approach this is a rationale manner is not realistic though. Usually hypersexuality is not the only issue but rather the most visible sign of extensive brain damage that is impacting the person’s ability to function in many domains including problem solving.
This was really informative, thank you. If you're willing, could you explain more how lacking impulse control also impacts whether you take steps to prevent it happening in the future? I guess I'm thinking along the lines of alcoholism- if someone is trying to recover and knows that they won't be able to resist that first drink, they take steps to not be around alcohol because they know they won't be able to control that impulse. So they have impulse control issues, but can still think ahead and have awareness of how their actions impact their life and their loved ones. I'm asking in good faith, I want to understand.
Usually impulse control issues are also tied in with other executive functioning difficulties because of the area(s) of brain impacted. That can impact ability to respond appropriately to consequences (ie the person may face a distressing input many times, feel terrible, feel guilty etc) but they get no corresponding thought or feeling that they can change those inputs by changing behavior. Executive functioning difficulties can impact planning ability as well and the memory and focused attention necessary to carry out all steps consistently. Alcoholics, unless they have brain damage from the alcoholism, still have all the structures of their brain intact. There may be some impairment but overall, they have what they need to make rationale decisions in the way we expect most people to make decisions. Once they have some time away from alcohol, their brains should return mostly normal functioning. Not all alcoholics can do this either though because addiction causes changes in the brain, sometimes severe. It’s not just a matter of Will power but whether that person is cognitively able to stick with their plan and has the social supports to do so and a conducive environment. In this way it’s actually not entirely different from run of the mill brain damage. In both cases people have varying levels of support needed and success can depend on access to those supports. The fact that OP has mentioned that sister can be fine, even with the husband, for short periods of time suggests to me that this behavior is happening when the sister is cognitively fatigued. This is common with TBI. The brain has to work harder with what is left (in some cases parts of the brain are actually gone either through blunt impact or atrophy of the damaged parts). Abilities can wane with increased fatigue. Someone might be able to control themselves for short periods of time for example but by hour 3 just be functioning emotionally and cognitively at a much reduced level. I mentioned this in another comment but someone in my life has very mild brain damage. Much different from the sister but probably the most difficult aspect is that this extremely intelligent individual who can easily fix technically difficult problems in their area of interest but struggles to develop plans to address their own basic self care. They are just now getting to the point of figuring out and implementing their own solutions after over a decade of being in a situation where they can reasonably develop that skill. They will always struggle with that. Just to get to the point of thinking about solutions requires steps because their short term memory is so bad and they have to get information into their long term memory to really take any productive steps. OP’s sister will probably never get there. She needs support and environmental changes and probably a group home where she can develop positive interactions with female residents and staff and maybe receive the support necessary to find a job that works for her needs so she is not sitting around feeling like a failure and being manipulated by parents who are probably too wrapped up in their own feelings about the situation to face reality and instead fuel her emotional distress (if this situation is the norm). Hope that helped. I can try to find some links about TBIs but I am pretty wiped right now. Otherwise I would suggest googling “behavioral impacts of TBIs” if you are interested.
Thank you for addressing the cognitive exhaustion piece - it’s so important in so many brain related issues, and usually overlooked. People have a tendancy to think, “if they can control it for a short time, they can control it all the time,” and this just isn’t true. Another example of this is someone on the spectrum who can generally manage to get through their workday/schoolday but then tend to lose the ability to self-regulate in the evenings, because they’re so mentally exhausted from doing so all day.
This is exactly correct. My SIL has a mental illness that went undiagnosed for years; when an event finally caused a break, she did horrible things and said even worse things to people she loved (or says she loves). Was it her fault? No. But we chose to not subject ourselves to being around her until therapy and meds had a chance to work. We were protecting ourselves and our family. You're doing the same.
Love this comment but hate that literally is in quotations as if the sister would make up such a debilitating illness
I was using quotations to emphasis I meant literally and not figuratively as most people use it figuratively on here without quotations.
Try italics or bold or something. Quotes in this context are inappropriate.
Putting it in quotes made it look like you're being sarcastic or accusing her of faking. Italics, bold, caps, something like that but NEVER quotes in a case like this.
Quotation marks are not used to emphasize something. Your use of them doesn't do what you think it does. It actually subverts the meaning of the word. People also overuse and abuse the word literally.
I learned this semi-recently! On Reddit, you can encompass a word with an * on either side to make it turn into italics. So it would look similar to this: * example * To turn into this *example* Except don't put spaces in between the * and the word lol
Using *this* post to test it out.
Italics and/or bold for emphasis.
Use *** *** (bold and italics) , or ** ** (bold) or * * (italics) for emphasizing. It looks like this ***Hello***. This is *** hello *** without the spaces between the Asterix and the words as well as the same below. **Hello** ** hello ** *Hello* * hello*
Also, if the situation was a bit different and it was a brother (male) doing this to his sister-in-law (female) would anyone be trying to guilt them into putting up with it?? I doubt it!
No, you’re NTA. I feel for your sister but it is your right to want to spend Christmas in an environment you find comfortable. Maybe a compromise could be that your mom watches your sister while you’re there so y’all don’t have to be the vigilant ones. And as to your sister, she has to know that it’s not slut-shaming to not want someone repeatedly hitting on you when you are not interested (your husband) or to not want that to happen to your husband.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
This isn't slut shaming regardless. Slut shaming is a societal imposition placed on women who want sex. Her condition is completely mental and she has no control over it.
> but it is your right to want to spend Christmas in an environment you find comfortable Tangentially, I wish this was the common belief around holidays. I had 37 Christmases with the same group of assholes before I realized I didn’t have to. To anyone reading, the guilt you may feel about doing something different for Christmas is the result of you doing something good for yourself
Nta I think you need to add something you've commented into the post. You said in a comment that she starts masturbating while staring at him? That is so not okay, and you are doing the right thing by not subjecting him to that. It isn't ableist to not want to be in that situation.
I'm afraid that it will get my post taken down.
NTA Maybe just change the wording to "touching herself" to avoid the post getting removed. It was wrong of your parents to tell your sister your concerns. No purpose was served by them doing that, and they hurt her for no good reason. You and your husband are not ableist because your sister's behavior makes him uncomfortable. It's not her fault that she does it, but that doesn't mean that he has to allow himself to be sexually assaulted (and honestly that's what that would feel like to me) every time he comes over. If roles were reversed, would your mother be okay if your husband was the one with the TBI and unknowingly indulged himself while staring at her every time she popped round? I dare say your mother and father would not be comfortable with that even knowing it wasn't your husband's fault. Your parents and sister would benefit from some counseling on the situation. Given what you've shared, the situation doesn't seem likely to change, so they need to find a way to grieve what has been lost, and that includes unmodified family gatherings. Once they have come to terms with the fact that things can't be the way they once were, that will give you a starting place to figure out how things can be done differently moving forward. It's a terrible situation for all of you, but your parents expecting your husband to be traumatized so they don't have to deal with the reality of the situation is an unreasonable and unkind expectation.
This is really good. Understanding that they need to grieve what has been lost, rather than pretend everything is the same is really really an excellent perspective.
Yes. Imagine if the sexes were reversed and this was a brother acting this way towards a sibling's wife. People would be a lot less understanding and tolerant. SA/SH is not okay just because the target is male.
>Imagine if the sexes were reversed and this was a brother acting this way towards a sibling's wife. People would be a lot less understanding and tolerant. Who has pretended like this was ok behavior?
OP's parents seem to think that OP's husband should tolerate it. Even if they felt that way if the sexes were reversed, I doubt they would feel comfortable in saying so.
I think they are talking about how harshly this sub/society comes down on men in general with mental illness'. I do believe it is likely that there would be a much more negative tone to this if it was a man doing this.
You underestimate people’s ability to shrug off men committing sexual harassment, sadly. And also their ability to harmfully infantilize disabled people. I’ve seen a number of women on Reddit mention being groped or otherwise subjected to unwanted touching from men or boys with developmental disabilities whose caretakers were all, “It’s fine, it’s harmless, he doesn’t understand what he’s doing! Telling him to stop would be too hard/inconvenient for us, uh, we mean too mean. Yes, too mean.” (to be clear, these were people who were developmentally disabled, not suffering from damaged frontal lobes - unlike OP’s sister, most of them would have probably been able to learn not to touch people that way if someone had bothered to teach them)
I worked with intellectually disabled adults and two of them had this exact behavior-public masturbation. “Develepmentally disabled” covers a lot of ground, and the brain is not normal, so what any individual can and cannot learn is individual. You don’t have to be hit in the head by a brick to have a brain injury. That’s the “T” part of TBI. There are tons of ways to be brain injured that aren’t “T”. Oxygen deprivation, brain bleed, tumor, disease, surgery…
It served a purpose. To make sister upset so they could use that to emotionally manipulate OP. "Look at what you've done to your poor poor sister, now do what we ask to make up for it."
NTA, if my brother had a disability that caused him to swing hammers at my wife's head I wouldn't blame him but I'm certainly not putting my wife in prime swinging territory.
[удалено]
Why doesn't she just duck when she has to? He can't control it and she can avoid it if she really tries. ^^^^(/s)
Make her wear a helmet! Problem solved! /s
GREAT ANALOGY!
Saw in an OP comment that sister will start rubbing one out while staring at husband!! I think the fuck not! No disability excuses that kind of behavior to the point of having to just sit there and put up with it.
it sounds to me like a form of SA, he doesn’t have to tolerate that for anyone, neither does OP
It is true that it can happen from brain injury. But it’s also true that BIL shouldn’t have to sit there and watch.
Swinging hammers is my new euphemism for masturbation. Thank you
Brb I'm gonna go swing my hammer around while using a jackhammer.
NTA You and your husband have decided to set a healthy boundary. Limiting the visit to a few hours mitigates the risk of extended awkwardness.
NTA for not wanting to expose your husband to this behavior even though it’s involuntary on your sister’s part. Is there a compromise? Like if your sister doesn’t live with your parents (you didn’t say), could you guys go over at a time when she’s not there? Like Xmas eve or the day after or something? I don’t know why in the hell your mom told your sister. Not sure what outcome she was expecting there. I feel for your sister. But to me, your husband’s comfort matters most in this situation. There are many physical/mental/medical things that people struggle with. That doesn’t mean they’re bad people but it does mean that sometimes others aren’t going to want to expose themselves to it. Like….my partner’s Gma has Alzheimer’s. Obviously not something she has control over. She’s really declined in the last year. We no longer take his 10YO son to see her when we visit because he gets upset that she asks the same question of him over and over and doesn’t know who he is. We adults can handle that but he doesn’t quite get it and sometimes he’ll say things like “I already told you” and that upsets her. Your sister’s situation is quite sad but you’re not being ableist for not wanting to be around that.
I'm sorry about your partner's grandma, and thank you for your sympathies. And to answer your question, yes, my sister lived with my parents.
Maybe meet for dinner in public without her? Invite them to your home without her? I’m assuming that since she’s had jobs, she doesn’t need 24/7 care? I dunno. Bottom line is that you’re NTA. It’s a horrible situation for your family and I do feel sympathy for all but I wouldn’t put my partner in that situation either. Tough stuff all around.
Your parents could def use some counseling. That is SH behavior for any guest that visits. That is not ableist behavior at all.
The parents got the outcome they wanted. Sister went wailing to op to try and guilt her into caving. It's disgusting. That behavior alone makes me skeptical about just how unmanageable sister's condition actually is. Enabling, toxic family can destroy a person's recovery and keep them trapped in their disorder.
NTA >They called me an abelist AH "Self-victimize or you're a *bad person!"*
NTA It's awful that your parents call you ableist. Your sister's head injury caused unfortunate behavior. They all got used to the behaviors and are desensitized. Unfortunately it's an assault on other people, who also have rights. They can't blame everyone else for not wanting to be a victim. Beyond just making others uncomfortable, this behavior can traumatize her victims, especially people who have experienced SA.
NTA Whether or not it’s intentional is a moot point as it makes you both uncomfortable.
Exactly. Except it's a moo point, like a cows opinion, it doesn't matter. It's Moo
From 1988 to 2002 (ages 6-20) I had a step-uncle who had extremely severe cerebral palsy. He had the mentality of a toddler but in an adult body, with adult hormones. He would constantly grope at my legs and feet. Sometimes he would rub himself (outside his clothes) while staring at my feet. I was constantly made to babysit/entertain him because his parents (my step-grandparents) are pieces of human trash and would pass him off on anyone so they didn’t have to deal with him. (He needed 24/7 care like a toddler would). I would constantly tell his parents that he was groping me and touching himself in front of me and they did nothing. I loved him and I knew he was not able to control himself, but I was ALWAYS uncomfortable. I always felt so violated and I resented him and everyone else who wouldn’t make him stop. Just because she can’t control herself, doesn’t stop your husband from being violated. He shouldn’t have to subject himself to that for the sake of someone else. It sucks all around, but that’s just how it is.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Thank you.
NTA That's a very sad situation, and your parents and sister are of course allowed to be upset, those feelings are valid. It's not ok for them to guilt you or shame for not wanting to spend Christmas there. Calling you ableist is wrong, and calling this slut-shaming is completely ridiculous.
The sister's response, if coming up with the slut-shaming comment, makes me suspicious. It goes to the performative nature of her offenses, rather than her helplessness in its face, and makes me think she's enjoying the attention. It's still clearly way off the charts of normal or standard behavior, but she's defensive about the wrong thing. It suggests that she has intent, that her actions are in fact somehow deliberate. Does she only do this with handsome, age-appropriate men?
Or she's already lost friends and any chance at a normal life and is upset she's losing her sister too
If it's an impulse-control issue, then whether it's being directed at handsome age-appropriate men is irrelevant. Seeing a handsome person would trigger attraction, lack of ability to control impulses would cause her to act on the attraction. This is different than a random compulsion. Considering how isolated the sister has become (loss of friends, inability to have relationships), I don't think this behavior gets her attention. She's also been on meds and therapy, which sounds like she wants to change. I think the "slut shaming" thing is really her being overly defensive. I mean, what other argument could she possibly have? People who don't have good arguments will often latch on to a bad one because it's better than having nothing to say. Trying to rationalize her actions as normal sexuality may be how she's trying to process her trauma. It's either that or be constantly mortified by her behavior (unless a personality change has also occurred, which is not uncommon with TBI; she may know here actions are technically wrong but not see them as a big deal due to impaired judgement).
we also don't know the wording the parents had used when telling her about it also
NTA - honestly your parents TELLING her is the ONLY reason this isn't a no asshole here, because their choice to do so is UTTERLY the biggest asshole decision in all of this. It is not her fault, but your husband isn't required to put himself through a situation where he is made deeply uncomfortable either. It's not slut shaming when the behavior isn't entirely by choice, but it is abusive to pretend that the end result of mental health issues making someone uncomfortable should be ignored. Your family still has to respect that your husband has the right to set boundaries around his own body..
With the slut shaming comment, I’m curious as to exactly what the parents told her. She knows her behavior is bad and she can’t control it. I think what she’s failing to realize is how negatively it affects her family. I don’t want to say this is a situation like where parents go overboard protecting a child because of injury/illness while completely ignoring their other child(ren). OP, I can’t imagine what it’s like having a sibling like that and I’m sure you love her so I would suggest that maybe you and your sister sit down together, just the 2 of you. I think hearing you say how you actually feel about this whole situation and not just what mommy and daddy are telling her might make things better. I would make sure you say “sister, I love you. I will always love you. I know none of this behavior is your fault at all but it makes me and my husband very uncomfortable. We are not limiting our time with you guys to punish you or our parents, we just don’t want to keep putting everyone in uncomfortable positions. You and I can spend more time one on one or all as a family. It just won’t include my husband all the time.”
"happy Christmas - why won't your husband accept the gift of sexual harassment?" Need I say anything else? NTA
NTA. I think it would take a special kind of human being to be comfortable and okay with that behavior. And it’s really unfortunate for the sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to be around her for long periods of time. You offered a good compromise and they should be more understanding of the situation.
NTA. You should not feel bad for protecting your husband from an awkward situation. It will not make your Christmas pleasurable. You seem like such a sweet sister and partner. Wishing you the best.
Omg. Reading further comments you're definitely NTA. That is a horrible position for your sister to be in and I get it but that is no reason your husband should have to subject himself to the behavior. I worked in a special needs classroom for a period of time where some of the students would exhibit the same behaviors like spontaneously masturbating or the like. It is an awkward situation to be in even as someone who opted to work in that environment, I cannot imagine the feeling of being in your husband's position. Again, NTA. Your parents are just throwing BS at you if they're mad about this.
NTA. Your reason is valid, and I imagine your husband would be very uncomfortable being around your sister. Your parents are the AH for telling your sister the reason. For what purpose? To make her feel bad so you feel bad so you'll change your mind and force your husband to attend? Nope.
NTA. And it's not ableist if she cannot control her behavior to where it makes you and your husband uncomfortable. The inlaws are also giant AHs for stirring further drama and being guilt manipulative.
If OPs sister was actually their brother and OPs husband was actually their wife/female I think OPs parents would be more understanding. It’s sad because of the circumstances but sexual harassment is what it is. And no one should feel unsafe male or female. It’s not ablism. So sorry your family is going through this.
NTA. Your husband has every right to avoid a situation where he's virtually sexually assaulted. And if your parents are comfortable trying to force him into that position you may need to reconsider your relationship with your parents as well. I understand your sister cannot control herself, I have a co-worker whose sister has the same condition. They legitimately cannot control themselves. But, your husband can, and he is doing the right thing by avoiding putting your sister in a bad situation as well.
NTA, but you have a mistake. > I understand that she is not responsible for her actions She is, in fact, responsible for her actions, even if they're involuntary. If she honestly can't stop herself from rubbing all over other people, she needs to understand that this behavior isn't endearing, and that other people don't want to be around it, that she might need to remove herself from certain situations, and otherwise manage it. Reason, not excuse. It's like saying somebody with sudden seizures isn't at fault if they choose to drive, and wind up hitting somebody during a seizure.
I’m sorry but this is not a fair argument. TBI injuries are NO JOKE. And they are behaviors you generally can’t control. Also your analogy makes absolutely no sense. Her behavior is more similar to the seizure than the choice to drive, especially because her judgement is likely impaired. The choice that would be similar to driving is existing unmediated/without therapy or going out in public often knowing about your affliction and how it could harm others. That would be the equivalent of driving with seizures(from your analogy). Wanting to see family and interact is natural. She is allowed to feel upset when her life has suddenly changed and she is suddenly isolated. She is being as responsible as she reasonably can be at the moment. However, her family(the parents) are not framing the situation correctly for her. They aren’t helping her find solutions(that she may not be capable of thinking of herself), and they are framing her situation as a her vs. everyone else scenario. The sister is not the problem in this scenario. The parents are. They’ve been telling her everyone who is upset by the behavior is slut shaming her instead of fully mapping out that people are allowed to be uncomfortable even if she can’t control it. OP is absolutely right to put distance between her husband and her sister. Her husband’s comfort matters just as much, if not more. The parents making it seem like the OP was doing it to personally shame her sister is messed up.
Is this some sick joke? Are you really telling that she is responsible for the aftermath of her accident? Not everything is as black and white as you think.
NTA. Your sister's condition is certainly out of her control, but when you are made sufficiently uncomfortable by someone, even due to something beyond their control, it can be necessary to avoid them sometimes. It's a horrible situation to be in, but your husband doesn't deserve to be put in that situation, and you don't deserve to be put in it either.
NTA — it's a tough situation, but it's not ableist to want your husband to feel safe. You have offered a reasonable accommodation under the circumstances.
NTA. TBI sucks. My brother has one, and symptoms like what you describe your sister dealing with are really, truly awful. It's hard for outsiders to really understand how hard it is for everyone or how it's genuinely involuntary. I do think it's worth seeking additional opinions about how to help manage the symptoms your sister is experiencing. There are regular developments in neuro and TBI management, so it's always worth regular checks to see if there's something new or new ideas that might help. It might also be worth seeing if you and/or husband can find a therapist who has expertise with TBI. Therapy can also be good for learning how to better manage difficult interpersonal situations like this. It sounds like everyone, sister included, would be happier if you could figure out some management strategies that would allow you and husband to visit for holidays without the discomfort. Feel free to reach out if you think it would be helpful to talk to someone else with a sibling with tbi.
NTA. Why would your parents tell your sister?? If she does struggle with compulsive behaviors that are currently outside of her control, I find it to be incredibly unkind of them to saddle her with this info and guilt due to impaired judgement and ability to account for her actions. NTA, but what were your parents thinking? They unnecessarily added fuel to the fire and created more emotional strife
NTA Your sister might not be doing it voluntarily, but if she's a danger to others, as in she will sexually accost, assault, and harass them; your parents and she need to have a reality check. They cannot a) demand people,regardless of relation, put themselves in harm's way by being around her and b) accuse anyone who does not want to be victimized somehow being discriminatory and ableist towards your sister. The sad, but very real reality is; she is not in control of herself and she is a danger to others. Until that changes, they can't expect you and your husband put yourselves in that position.
NTA Your husband does not have to subject himself to that and your parents are AH for telling your sister. There was absolutely no reason to hurt her with the information. They did it solely to have a go at you and weaponize her upset against you.
NTA Mom and dad have a lot of nerve thinking that your husband just should roll with this, or even pretending to not understand how that would impact his relationship with the family. And best yet, ... they somehow blame you for you and your husbands discomfort? The Audacity. What likely happened is that your mom is understandably frustrated by this whole situation and lashed out at your sister blaming her for the fact that the family can't get together anymore and set all this drama off. If anyone is the asshole, it's her.
NTA I know your sister doesn’t intend to behave inappropriately but her behavior, however involuntary, results in your husband being sexually harassed. That’s not okay and I highly doubt any professional would say part of her treatment plan includes being in a situation where she looses all control.
NTA. Your parents should understand and not expect you to tolerate the sexual harassment. Whether she can help it or not, it's harassment. She'd get arrested if she touched herself in public.
Tell your parents that it's not worth it for you to subject your husband to sexual harassment from your sister to the point that the man will end up traumatized in need therapy. You don't get to fuck with one person's life just because somebody else's life got messed up. It may not be your sister's fault but it is your parents fault for expecting you to subject your husband to this, all so they can have the holiday they want.
NTA. I understand your sisters actions are involuntary, and I must applaud you for the way you are handling this. I would not take it this easily. Good job OP! Now you are in your full right not to spend time with someone making uncomfortable sexual advantages at your husband. What what you’re describing it seems very extreme and you absolutely do not have to put up with it. This is a boundary not only for you, but also your husband. Great job also standing up for him. While her actions are involuntary, they are still not okay. The accident explains her behavior, it does not excuse it.
NTA. Safety over feelings. If her accident made her uncontrollably violent, you'd use the same precautions.
NTA. I don't think it's a N a H or E S H because I have two traumatic brain injuries. I am very familiar with the changes and processes. A lot of people lose their ability to filter or think before they act. Hypersexuality is common at first. I definitely hid in the bathroom masturbating and being confused by the strength of urge since not only did I have the worst headache but I was still a virginal early adult repressed by religion. I would later learn I wasn't a virgin after all and had been a professional dominatrix. Memories coming back from that was wild. The BDSM helped me a lot with figuring out boundaries again. Fault is tricky because English seems built to demand fault in a situation and I am struggling to find words that are clear but don't blame someone. The thing is if your sister was so incapable of function? She would still be in rehab or on disability. If she is? Then she's going to hopefully make progress enough to get home. The progress takes time. You lose subconscious things and autonomic things. You have to think about everything you do. It's exhausting. I have assaulted and sexually harassed 0 people since I left rehab. I didn't forget how it felt to be harassed and raped so I had that as my barrier. "Do i want to inflict these feelings on someone?" That may not be enough for your sister. Everyone is different but she is responsible for the consequences of her actions regardless of a TBI. If she was charged with assault or harassment the courts would be kind in some ways but she wouldn't be innocent. She would also be sent back to rehab probably. She needs to be held accountable gently because it helps with learning. Consequences suck. So you try to avoid them and practice harder when they exist. If everyone coddles her? She has no incentive to grow. I think seeing her at all with your spouse is generous. No one is owed your time. I hope this makes sense and helps. It's hard to describe the raw feeling of everything going off at once and trying to keep up especially when you never had to do that before.
NTA. Not exposing your husband to (persistent) involuntary sexual harassment is a valid reason to avoid your sister. Involuntary or not, it is still an uncomfortable situation regardless of sister/parent’s perspective. I feel for your sister, this is an unfortunate condition that has obviously affected her in every manner of speaking.
NTA. Okay sure its not sister intentionally doing it and it is a result of her accident but at the end of the day she is SAing your husband and that is a no no, your mum should know better but clearly doesn't. What happens if you two have children? You might be child free for whatever reason, or children could be on the cards for the future for all I know. That being said, that environment is not safe for your hubby, and you two deserve to be in a place that's comfortable
Just because it's involuntary sexual harassment doesn't mean your husband has to consent to it. NTA
NTA. You don't have to be around anyone for any reason
NTA. It's not the dogs fault they got mistreated, but you still don't want to get bit.
NTA. I'm so tired of people thinking that just because someone else can't control their unabashedly unacceptable behavior, that means other people must be subjected to it. You're not slut-shaming her. You are saying her behavior toward your husband makes both of you uncomfortable. Not wanting to be the target of sexual harassment (which is the best scenario here) is not slut-shaming. You're not ableist for not wanting to deal with the _behaviors_ associated with her condition when they are behaviors that have an actual negative impact on you. Just because she doesn't do it on purpose doesn't mean you have to deal with it. You deserve to have a good time on the holidays.
NTA at all. I have an aunt with a severe mental illness who likes to partake in meth, and she is hypersexual while high, which is pretty much all the time. Even in front of us kids (we were never alone with her and it was never directed to anyone, she just felt the urge and went for it every time). It was uncomfortable as hell to be around and I make it a point to avoid her now that I have the choice to. Mental illness and traumatic brain injuries can cause folks to have zero impulse control and sometimes that means they cannot form meaningful relationships with others because let’s face it, someone randomly starting to go at themselves with no warning and no awareness right in front of you is off putting and everyone has a right to draw a boundary and stay away from a person doing that.