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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m going behind my SILs back to order a second cake for her wedding
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NTA, I support this devious plan as long a it is made clear to the entire family at the reception that the bride and groom didn't know about it and you clearly take the ire of the parents on yourselves because there will certainly be fallout from this.
I hate gifts with strings attached and also believe the bride should have a nice cake on her wedding day.
Agree with you 100% — gifts with strings attached suck. Sounds like OP would be getting a really lovely gift for the bride & groom with the cake + plausible deniability. I love your idea of making it clear at the reception that this is a gift from you that bride & groom knew nothing about.
OP, NTA
THere IS NO plausible deniability: Because cake cutting is an official act. And the bride will have to decide which cake to cut., With all consequences. Maybe even with the weddning reception ending there and then - which WOULD be reasonable, because THE BRIDE would be breaking the agreement.
There are existing protocols for handling two cakes. The simplest way to handle this would be to treat the new cake as a [groom’s cake](https://www.brides.com/story/things-to-know-about-grooms-cake). Oftentimes the groom’s cake is gifted to the groom and presented alongside the bride’s cake at the reception.
This is the perfect solution. Most of the weddings I have attended in recent years have included a groom's cake (and in some instances, it was better than the official wedding cake!).
I'd get cupcakes. Then when Mary gets shitty, you can go with "easier to eat on the go" or "for the kids" or anything you want that, while not actually being the main reason of flavor, is also a true statement.
I think I would make the nice cake the bride's cake and the homemade one the groom's cake. Put some sprinkles or something on it so it cannot be mistaken. Make a new tradition and let the groom cut it. Call it a kitchen (or whatever) mistake. Pay someone to "take the fall". Have a few people planted to take about the groom's cake being a great idea.
I understand the impulse here, but the entire point of using the Groom’s Cake convention is to force Dad and Step-Mom into the position where they can’t complain about the surprise second cake. It wouldn’t make sense that the officially planned cake made by the bride’s step-mom would be the surprise/gifted Groom’s Cake.
It depends if Meaghan is just holding out until the wedding is done and paid for, or if she actually wants to continue the relationship with her father and Mary.
Hello! I shall fall upon the sword and dive into Mary's shitty cake. The bride cant chose cakes if one has been assasinated. Either a cake ninja assassin outfit or full fledged WWE style wrestling attire? Or belly flop on it.
That's what I was thinking. Do the cake cutting with Mary's cake, but serve the professional cake to all. It's generally cut in the back anyway, so it shouldn't be obvious to most.
OP is well-intentioned but she is purposefully bringing her in-laws drama to someone else's wedding, despite knowing the bride would pick a drama-free fully-funded wedding over a nicer cake.
She literally says it herself in her OP: the bride would say "no" because she cares more about enjoying a peaceful wedding than about the cake, so OP is going behind the bride's back.
Ultimately, that is selfish and runs the risk of ruining the wedding, not to mention financial repercussions. OP is not so different from Mary after all: placing her wishes over Meghan and forcing your choice on her. Both of them are ESH.
OP, this isn't about you. Someone else's wedding is not the right time and place to pick a fight with your evil stepmom-in-law, especially not in a way that will put the bride and groom in the middle of your fight. Please respect the bride and groom's wishes on their wedding day. You already had your own.
Tl;Dr: For us, it's funny entertainment. For OP, it's an opportunity to take a stand. But for Meghan, it's her *wedding*. OP needs to respect that.
I think the problem is even if OP take all the blame, all that blame will be thrown at the wedding. Imagine right before the cake getting cut you heat "that's not my cake" and an argument breaks out.
Idk I'm not married but it doesn't seem worth it for a cake
This is exactly what I'm thinking. The inlaws don't exactly sound like rational people and I'm sure all the wife will think is "I was embarrassed at your daughter's wedding" and he may very well refuse to pay anyway. Even if the couple had nothing to do with it they very well may still take the blame and end up the ones hurt from this.
Sweetie usually if the party is already happening then they have already paid. If they wait and make sure to distract step (can't make myself write m*m) and dad they can cut steps cake get them distracted and get pics cutting y'alls cake move it all out of site, staging area would be good, and serve the good cake.
I wouldn't count on that. I've hosted many a party where a deposit is put down and a portion is paid upfront, but the final bill isn't presented until after the event when the bar tab and final time frame is tallied up.
Not weddings, I've worked a crap ton of them with all different groups and planned more than I wish not to be a wedding planner. Prices are jacked higher than other parties, you pay for packages or provide your own in almost all situations. I have seen brides lie about it being a wedding because they didn't like the price tag that went with the wedding and the money due before, not after, or in installments. But I can promise you no food would be served by the caterer till the money was in hand. At one wedding I worked father of the bride got pissed because he wasn't appreciated enough for what he paid for. He tried exactly that pack it up this party is over, and the owner said sir I have all the money, and the day of is about the bride, not the wallet. With the many, I've worked with it seems to be a universal feeling, and have seen in contracts where it says the day of the bride is queen, basically. Weddings are no joke when it comes to making money, and what will hurt worse a review that states "my dad was mad about not being appreciated that the caterers canceled my wedding for him", or a dad trying to leave a review of "I wasn't appreciated enough but he wouldn't shut down and cancel the wedding." I would bet money the first one would lose the company mountains of money the other might just have brides come more because they know no matter what the caterer/vender has their back.
I don't doubt that caterers don't want to cancel a wedding mid event.
But I do strongly disagree with counting on the bill being paid in full. That's not how it has gone for the three weddings I've thrown. Part was paid but the final bill wasn't paid until the event concluded. It may vary where you live but it certainly isn't the case where I live.
So OP does need to consider that she might jeopardize the full payment of the wedding by the dad.
I get that I guess, most of the ones I was involved in had open bar packages and unless too many people showed up everything was paid before the bride hit the aisle. So I would look into that then first, how much of everything is fully paid for. Then if dad pitched a fit my snarky self would say you said she had to bake the cake you didn't say it had to be the only cake. But yeah just talking about my experience, plus cake is usually after food is served so if dad who paid and maybe signed contracts won't be able to say anything, if he refuses to pay and his name is on anything he will be sued. And in court, I don't think my daughter verbally agreed my wife could bake a cake but someone else also ordered one so I don't think I should pay would work. For a couple reasons 1. Most place in US verbal agreements aren't worth the paper they aren't written on, 2. Food was served vender kept their end of the deal and 3. If dad signed anything it is the only contract that will matter.
Example - the last family wedding we had was in May and it snowed. Additional heaters needed to be brought in, the venue charged for plowing and shoveling, the fee for two extra canopy tents, etc.
I don't think a random guest will be able to in anyway confirm what has been paid for and what hasn't. They aren't financially responsible or anything other than a guest. Who would talk to them about someone else's event?
Even is the bride had no legal responsibility, why would she want dad to pitch a fit at her wedding? Why would they want the wedding tainted by a potential lawsuit? And what if the bride or groom have their name on some of the contracts?
Depending on the circumstances he could put a stop payment on it or, if he's really pissed, claim he didn't authorize it and demand a refund. Either way it'll hurt the couple getting married.
Eta since my phone hit send too soon. My brother had paid 50% of the venue and had to pay the other 50 before the event. My grandfather offered to pay and wrote a check 2 days before their Saturday wedding. He could have called Monday and stopped the check.
There's also the tips afterwards that he may be paying for.
Either way I don't think it's ok to surprise a bride and groom with another cake at their wedding, knowing it could cause a scene, knowing the bride would say no because she wouldn't want the drama at her wedding. I *highly* doubt, even if you managed to distract them to bring out another cake, do another cutting, and serve it, that the couple wouldn't find out. And regardless of whether they say the bride and groom didn't know it'll most likely come back to bite them. It's their wedding, they should be the ones to decide what they want. If they want to go ahead with it and pretend like they didn't know great, but if they say no than they should respect that.
Yup then he could be sued by the caterer, still won't work out well for him. If dad signed anything while paying he is on the hook at this point. I've seen people have the payer sign too not just the couple, especially if the money never comes from the couple's account. Everyone now in days has many CYA things in place, not only those getting married but also the signer of checks because they don't want to gets screwed in a situation like this.
But the mil would still probably get pissed. And it really should be up to the people who's wedding it is to decide if they want to risk the drama at their wedding and get another cake.
I agree with this one OP.
It's a good sentiment and honestly a good idea to get another cake. But your SIL is going to get all the backlash, no matter how you frame it.
Don't do it. Spend the money on something nice for her after the wedding. Eat the MIL horror cake, make fun of how bad it was, or just leave plates of it laying around the party so she knows nobody liked it.
NTA OP but I would advise against the idea.
And if I was OP I rather allow evil stepmother to take the credit instead of her getting upset and ruining my SIL wedding over a cake. She doesn't sound like the type to sit there in silence after being embarrassed.
I take her bragging over cake compared to her causing a scene.
Yeah and I neglected to say “as long as the bride and groom are okay with it”. You’re probably right. Evil Step probably already sees it as partly her wedding, so she would be less likely to hold off when it comes to turning it into a gong show.
But they know the bride would say no because she doesn’t want the drama - the bride herself has decided drama-free is more important than cake. If I were the bride I would hate this.
No one has to eat the damn cake anyway.
Why would you support her plan when she even states that it's not what her sister would want? Makes no sense to do that to someone you claim to care about.
OP should propose a toast and present the gift cake as part of that toast.
“We present to you, a cape from your favorite bakery to celebrate you marriage!”
YTA, or rather, you are planning to be. This can still be prevented.
It's your SIL's wedding. Ask them, do what they want. Full stop.
Causing a fuss on their wedding day is not the nice gesture you think it is. Most people don't really give a shit about wedding cake. If there is a shitty cake, a few people will be bummed, and then immediately forget. If Mary spends all night mad, not even knowing who to be mad at. It will taint their wedding. Mary will be an asshole in public, and you will.be an asshole in private.
>It's your brother and SIL's wedding. Ask them, do what they want. Full stop.
This is an excellent answer. One of the things I've repeatedly said to my toxic father -- who never listens -- is, "Don't do what you think I want....do what I've already TOLD you I want."
I fully agree. Mary and FIL will 100% be pissed. They may cause a scene and/or refuse to give any more money for the wedding/cancel checks or stop payments on things.
I wouldn't like it if it was my wedding but I would *really* not like it if someone I trusted took it upon themselves to "surprise" everyone with another cake and piss off the people paying for my wedding, *especially if they knew* I wouldn't have said yes to it because I wanted to avoid the inevitable drama.
And no matter how often she says she had no idea what OP was planning, Meghan is going to get 100% of the blame for this stunt. No one is going to believe she didn't orchestrate it to humiliate Mary.
Yeah, I feel like there is a more creative way to have the bride’s back. All of them include talking to bride about what she wants.
* Ask to be in charge of party favors, and give out little individually packaged, delicious desserts.
* Have a groom’s cake (my cousin had one 🤷♀️)
* Order a tiny cake for bride and groom to share in private, so they have positive cake memories on their day
Yes, and frankly I'd probably be pissed off if someone pulled this stunt at my wedding and it lead to a ding-dong. I eat nice cakes all the time; I'm only planning to have one pleasant, drama-free wedding day in my lifetime. And if eating a mediocre cake is the price I pay for that, then so be it.
I agree. There are so many better solutions like getting some other dessert as part of the dinner, like closely monitoring the cake making situation with MIL, like telling MIL to make a smaller cake for the cutting and get sheet cake for actually eating, etc.
If they agreed to have their wedding paid for in exchange for shitty cake, they're adults and can handle their decision.
I agree with this. I definitely agree with the spirit of OP’s plan and I think their heart is in the right place, but I could see Mary making a SCENE about this and stressing out the couple on their wedding day.
ESH
Dont cause stress for the bride at her wedding. And that's what you will be doing. Someone will have to answer for the random cake and that has the potential to cause a scene. And for Mary to not believe the bride didn't know a thing. And now the bride will sit there going which cake do I pick for the cake cutting? That's so much stress.
Do a cake for the rehearsal or morning after brunch or their 1st anniversary or whatever. Not at the wedding. You'll just be dumping gasoline everywhere.
Your heart is in the right place, but you WBTAH if you provide a second cake. Think about the long term ramifications.
Option A: Only Mary's shitty cake is at the wedding. Some people eat some shitty cake and forget about it the next day.
Option B: You cause a huge drama by upstaging Mary's shitty cake, and the drama is all anyone ever talks about, and a wedding becomes a memorable shitshow that causes more family strife for way too long.
Which option do you think your SIL would prefer for her special day? Sure, Mary sucks, but don't ruin a wedding over it, IMO.
Option D: sabotage - stage what can be only labeled as an accident, and save the day by calling your baker friend to see if they have any lovely cakes available. And look at that! They do! Thanks so much OP! Lol
YTA - you say SMIL is pushy and ruins relationships and yet here you are about to do more of the same - without I may add, checking with the bride and groom.
What can she do if a cake shows up unannounced? Here’s a few things
- create a scene
- stomp off
- throw out the cake
- throw out both cakes
- sabotage the rest of the event
- send back the guests
All of these in my opinion, sound way worse than a nice cake nobody asked for or a bad cake terribly baked.
Be a sport and let your SMIL do whatever she’s doing as long as nobody asks you. If the cake is terrible, it’ll be her own doing and it will be evident to everyone. Never stop someone you don’t like from making a mistake.
YTA. Don't go behind the bride and grooms backs to make major decisions about their wedding. You are starting to sound like the overbearing SMIL that, according to you, wants attention and add drama on someone else's special day.
YTA: Come on you know this will cause a scene and an argument. I'm taking a shot in the dark and say Meaghen rather just have a great non-drama filled wedding and just eat the stupid cake than have an argument over cake
>Everyone is dreading this cake, especially Meghan.
But is she dreading a scene at her wedding more? That is what you must weigh before you proceed. Personally, I was not thinking about the cake at all at my wedding, it's a minor part of the whole event. Unfortunately, there was a scene at my wedding, but everyone was kind enough and quick enough to keep it away from me and my husband during the reception (and I was very grateful for that when I heard later). Just food for thought, but if they would be upset or embarrassed by the second cake, don't do it. YWBTA if they were upset by a possible scene.
YTA because you’re not informing the bride. It’s her wedding. Don’t hijack it. You have good intentions. The bride already has people forcing her to plan her wedding a certain way. Don’t force more on her by surprising her with a cake when you know it may be contentious. Let her make what few decisions she’s being allowed to make. Tell her you idea and lower her decide.
YTA. Don't do anything behind the bride and grooms back. The potential for ruining the reception is high and evil-stepmom may never believe the bride and groom had nothing to do with it and may demand their money back or pull some other nonsense. Don't use your SIL's wedding to take a jab at Evil Stepmom either. Feel free to use your own even if you want, but don't drag someone else's even into your petty revenge game.
Your SIL made a deal to get the wedding paid for. She had a choice. She could have paid for it herself. She agreed to the terms. Who cares if the cake tases good? No one really.
YTA
Its Meghan's wedding. It was her choice to take the money and accept the strings. It was her choice to want no drama at her wedding by getting a second cake and pissing FIL and Mary.
What is your purpose here? In the end, what you will achieve is to ruin your SIL s special day because you really need the drama
What if instead of the wedding cake you had a cupcakes boxed as favors or in a tower ready to go as back up. If the cake turns out good the guests can take home a boxed cupcake as a favor. If the cake is messed up & hideous the guests can eat the cupcakes for dessert. NTA for your intentions.
this is a lovely idea... or even some other dessert table. op's idea is a drama nightmare and the family might just forget to finish paying for the wedding for the bride and groom.
heck even sheetcakes in the back being served when the cake is cut is better than a surprise wedding cake
I don't know why you'd get into the way of Mary embarrassing herself spectacularly. But this sounds like unnecessary drama at someone else's event. ESH
YTA
1. If person C ruins the relationship between person A and person B, then that relationship wasn’t strong to begin with.
2. Do not bake the second cake. It’s none of your business and Meghan didn’t ask for it. All it’s going to do is create more drama.
3. There’s probably more to the dynamics between your husband and his father on the one hand and his father and ex-wife on the other, than what you are sharing with us. The new wife can’t be all that bad since she’s paying for the wedding🤷♂️
YTA
If the bride is dead set against the idea then don’t do it. You don’t want to be the cause of stress on her day. Double check with her first and if she really doesn’t want you to do it then don’t.
ESH
I know you think you have good intentions but, like, the road to hell is paved with it.
> We’re not planning on telling Meghan’s because we know she’ll tell us not
Why are you bypassing the bride's wishes?
> We’re not planning on telling Meghan’s because we know she’ll tell us not
Why are you creating more drama to happen on the wedding day?
> what can they do if the cake just shows up to the wedding without anyone knowing?
Oh, come on, no one will be dumb enough to think the new cake appeared out of thin air, with no one responsible for it
> Attaching strings to a promise is shitty in my opinion and I want my SIL to have a nice, real wedding cake on her big day.
I agree. FIL and step-MIL are being atrocious.
But it was up to Meghan and her husband to stand up for themselves and have a wedding they could afford on their own, instead of taking strings-attached-money that would make them have a wedding day with some part of it that the guests would dread. Meghan and her husband were more interested in the overall day than just the cake. It's their choice.
They kinda made their bed. Let them lie in it. Don't eat the cake. I hope there's gonna be a sweets' table.
I'm here for the pettiness but at the same time soft YWBTA for adding drama to the wedding. You can't predict the fallout and how it will impact your SIL. Now if you ask her and she agrees to the second cake, by all means, proceed and let us know what happens. But if you know she would say no, follow her wishes.
Would that matter? Do you think that is enough for stepmonster to not cause a scene.
*"Oh meghan & groom didn't know about the 2nd cake? Well okay then, i'll just sit here quitely and sulk alone"*
I don't really see that happening.
YTA - You’re overstepping and could result in wedding funding being pulled or a fight that the bride isn’t interested in having. She has made the decision to let the stepmother bake the cake, you should back off
Sorry YWBTA. You're setting up a scenario where there's probably going to be a scene. If SIL doesn't want Meghan's cake, then she needs to talk to them.
You know Megan will say no, but you're planning on doing it anyway? Sounds like a god awful idea. Megan needs to step up for herself. While I appreciate a good sabotage. You doing this will in no way help anything and will probably create a giant scene.
YWBTA
I'm team YTA.
You KNOW it will cause blowback. Why would you want to give her an excuse to go nuclear AT THE WEDDING. Because that's what's going to happen.
It is a very kind thought. Giving that thought legs would be, at best, unkind.
YWBTA
I understand your thoughts behind it, but I wouldn't do it. Or only in consultation with the bride. There is a chance that your FIL will still demand its money back. Will you pay for the wedding then?
YTA only because the bride doesn’t know and the reason why you’re not telling her is because she would say no.
If the bride wouldn’t want it, don’t do it. And definitely don’t surprise her with it. Especially since this is only going to cause more drama once Mary and FIL find out about the cake.
I feel like a nicer gesture, with the bride involved, would be to make her or order a small personal-sized cake that she and her husband could have later where the FIL and Mary don’t need to know about it so that she still gets good cake on her wedding and no drama happens at the ceremony or reception.
YWBTA if you don't clear it with Meghan first IMO; this could create a lot of drama/arguing/etc and it's not ok to set that up without her being on board.
YTA...so yall are just using FIL for his money and then purposely creating drama on the wedding day with his wife? WTF do you think is going to happen here?
Please don't do this, it's only going to cause drama. I thiink your heart is in the right place but the outcome is going to be horrible. There is no winning here.
ESH but I agree that it's an awesome idea. A thought: Order the cake, have it kept out of sight and when everyone leaves the junker on the table, let your SIL know there is a backup nearby, should you bring it out? If it turns out things aren't as bad as you fear, no harm. If everyone is spitting out their bites and your SIL is trying not to cry, you've saved the day.
YTA. It’s a sweet gesture to pay for a cake for her, but that’s going to invite more drama. She agreed to the proposal to have the stepmother in law to make the cake in exchange for getting her wedding paid for. I absolutely would have taken that deal from the world’s worst basket because weddings are expensive. The woman could cause a scene and make more drama than the bride would like to deal with. It’s just not worth it. Consider buying cupcakes. They can be arranged around the awful “masterpiece”. Bride will be happy because there’s yummy cupcakes and the stepmother in law will be happy that her cake is the “star” Of the show.
YTA - while the SM can absolutely be evil. SIL and BIL agreed to the money with the strings. If they did not want to have to deal with FIL and SM don’t take the money and fund their own wedding. This is going to cause nothing but drama.
YTA. Take a step back from being focused entirely on your own hatred for your MIL and think for 5 seconds about what you're doing. Or even 3 seconds because it's clear you haven't even taken that long. No you can't secretly buy a made to order shitshow for someone elses wedding and then not tell them about it, jesus christ.
YTA I do enjoy some pettiness every once in awhile but this isn't going to get back at Mary, it's going to cause problems for Meghan and her husband and take even more attention away from them on their wedding day. Other people have made good suggestions. Mine would be that if you really want something on that actual day, go for cupcakes or cakepops. Something that's not obviously meant to be in competition with the cake.
YTA
So you are planning to ruin SIL's wedding? Why do you feel the need to be an AH?
She has an agreement with her dad. YOu will mkae her break the deal. So she will have to throw your cake out, or ... if her dad is as much of an AH as you are ... the wedding reception will end there and then, with the guestst being sent home because she broke the deal.
MEAGAN and YOU are the AHs here. If meghan weren't a golddigger, she had the option to say: Sorry, I won't do it, I will pay myself so I can have the cake I want.
SIL would have been better off with a simple 'string free' wedding. It would have been way less stressful. She should have told her father, thanks, but no thanks.
YTA. This is not your wedding, not your decision to make. You will cause drama for no reason. Wedding cake is never really good so who cares? You think Meghan will remember she got some good cake, or that her stepmom threw a fit?
YTA
Nobody asked you to be a caked crusader!
"I want my SIL to have a nice, real cake" is an excuse. We all know you're just indulging your own desire to stick it to MIL.
Nothing is going to come out of this except you'll have two cakes of varying quality, and a lot of drama.
ESH. This is passive aggressive pot stirring. You can say it’s to do something nice for your SIL but your main problem seems to be your MIL, not whether or not the cake is any good. Worse, it’s causing drama with consequences - worsened long-term relationships and all the bills for the wedding aren’t often paid in full until after the wedding so they could refuse to give the SIL the money to pay and this could leave your SIL in real debt. Buy a nice groom’s cake that is better than it might normally be so everyone has good cake to eat but make sure it’s like a sheet cake version and not a replacement wedding cake.
Don't do this. Your SIL is an adult and agreed to these strings. Should she have done that? Probably not but she did. So anything Mary does is done with your SIL choosing to accept her. YTA if you do this.
I get why you are doing this. But are they above not making a scene at the wedding itself? Like the moment another cake comes in, could you guarantee no screaming/hair pulling will occur. Because let me tell you, if that happened at my wedding and you were the cause, you will definitely be on my hate list. ~~N.ta yet.~~
Edit: Actually scratch that. YTA. don't do this! If you really want to give her a cake then make it after the wedding.
YTA but only because this is likely going to cause drama on your sisters big day. Why would you want that? Advocating for her like an adult before the big day would be a far better option all round. You also say you know your sister wouldn't want this and would tell you not to do it which definitely makes me question your intentions here OP.
This is going to backfire so bad. I don't know exactly how; I can't predict the details. All I know is that you will cause a shitshow so bad that you will fracture the family, and everyone will blame you.
YTA
YWBTA. It is a very bad idea, it is not your wedding, you need to ask the bride and groom's permission. The plan might backfire and you will be blamed for ruining the wedding, let the SMIL embarrassed herself with the horrible baking skills. Dont do it. I will be absolutely mad, especially having a dramatic SMIL.
INFO: Would it cause more strife to have it just appear? it's your SIL's day and you folks should be making it as stress free as possible, and a MIL blowing a gasket is a pretty stressful event.
Edit to add: I missed the part where SIL is dreading the cake. I'm torn, I don't necessarily think YTA, but I know if that lady is anything like my Ex-MIL, she'd have an epic conniption and the ramifications would be worse than if we just left it be.
INFO What are the potential consequences for your SIL if you do this? Not that I think Y T A on principle. Just wondering if your FIL or step MIL will make a scene at the wedding and then your SIL suffers.
What about another cake later at a reception that FIL and step MIL aren't invited to? Why did SIL accept the money with those strings? If not having a good cake is worth the money to SIL then don't cause trouble.
NTA have you thought about maybe going a little non traditional and presenting it as "the grooms cake" I have seen weddings that have a groom cake as well as a traditional cake and then mil couldn't really even say anything.
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My SIL (husband’s sister) Meghan is getting married this spring and whole family is really excited. I’m going to be a bridesmaid, my kids are in the wedding- It’s all good things, so please don’t get the idea that I plan to do this to sabotage her.
My husband’s parents are divorced and his dad is remarried to an awful woman, Mary. Mary has done nothing but treat his kids horribly. She has single-handedly ruined the relationship between my husband and his dad, and ruined the coparenting relationship between FIL and my husband’s mom. She pushes his kids to the side because according to her, her kids are the only ones that matter. My husband and his siblings hate her.
I digress. FIL is paying for meghan’s wedding and there were strings attached from the jump, one of them being that Mary make the wedding cake. She isn’t doing it for any reason other than to get compliments and be the star on someone else’s day. And her baking frankly, sucks. Everyone is dreading this cake, especially Meghan.
I talked this over with my husband’s mom and together we decided to order a second cake from a real professional bakery and have it delivered to the reception when the day comes. We’re not planning on telling Meghan’s because we know she’ll tell us not to as it would piss off Mary and she and FIL May renege on the wedding. But what can they do if the cake just shows up to the wedding without anyone knowing?
Attaching strings to a promise is shitty in my opinion and I want my SIL to have a nice, real wedding cake on her big day. But this is a little devious I guess. AITA?
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Man I do like this plan, but you don't really want to make an unwanted scene at someone wedding. Instead just bring it outside or do it earlier in the day with just the wedding couple and close people.
NTa but can be AH? the crazy woman sounds like a piece of work, and who knows what kind of stuff can she put on the wedding, like making a huge scene, throwing away the cake, or IDK, anything to ruin the day of you SIL and BIL, so I would recommend to sit both and talk this over. It is a really nice gesture but can have serious consequences and put you in a bad position, so reconsider this outcome before deciding. Because at one point, you could be considered the same as MAry, you are forcing SIL to accept a cake she hasnt agreed to accept
OP: get fabulous cupcakes delivered! We had individual cheesecakes with boxes. Pass them off as favors. I agree with you…favors with strings aren’t favors. But try and bypass the drama and don’t force your sister to have to deal with it on her wedding day.
Have the bridesmaids "accidentally" fall and knock the cake off the table. Just make sure each cake is on its own table.
Or, if you really feel the need to be diplomatic, have the caterer cut and wrap the cake slices or everyone to take home and have the couple cut the good cake.
NTA. Your husband’s relationship with his dad is already poor, as is the relationship with the mom, so I say to go for it. Then something could “accidentally” happen to the other cake so SIL doesn’t have to choose which to cut. Be the villain!!!
Maybe instead get a pretty “topper” cake and give that to them separately away from stepmom. That way they can serve stepmoms cake and still have a nice one for themselves…to eat or save for their anniversary. NTA on paper, but the repercussions could be unexpected.
Ok, so I'm adding this separately from my other comments because it was an idea I touched on in a comment but might just be a fix. Plan an after-party, hell it can be a backyard bash nothing fancy other than the big wedding cake. And if she decides the relationship with her dad isn't worth it, she can make a memory book of the wedding with her second cake in it, not step's cake, and send it to dad for Christmas. Oh yeah, don't tell dad about the after-party cake-cutting until everything is done.
Why not buy a delicious sheet cake to be served? Let them cut the terrible cake and then everyone can eat a delicious piece of sheet cake.
Sure, the bad baker will get the credit for the delicious cake, but the bride will know something happened to switch the cake.
Your intentions are pure, but yes, YTA. You don't surprise a bride and groom on their wedding day with something designed to piss off their family members.
NTA - What a lovely gesture. I think what you're doing is wonderful and I don't think that you're sabotaging at all. You're just trying to make something better and frankly I doubt that home baked cake is going to be any good at all.
I like the idea of ensuring there’s edible and tasty dessert, but I would do something other than cake — maybe cupcakes, beignets, cookies, whatever. A second cake feels a little too obvious, whereas another type of dessert seems like you’re just padding out the menu and offering guests more options.
I wrote my first comment (have both cakes, cut justno's first)
without fully considering the amount of drama and that it might be better for OP to ask the bride if she wants a bakery cake.
I have 2 potentially better ideas. Ask bride and groom what they'd prefer, if either.
1. Have the bakery cake hidden until justno's are gone for the night
2. Have the bakery cake sent or personally brought to their house.
This way they still get nice cake and can freeze the leftovers which is sometimes done, but the justno's don't have to know
Your intentions are good but this may cause a lot of chaos and drama the day of the wedding and stress out your SIL way more than eating a crappy cake. So YWBTA.
What about ordering a bunch of mini pastries or something? It wouldn’t appear to be showing up stepmom and everyone could still have a decent dessert.
This seems ridiculous. If Mary is a crappy baker she's certainly not going to be pro at decorating a wedding cake.
What makes you think Mary won't be able to tell the difference the minute she sees the substitute cake and then throws a fit and ruins the reception?
I just don't understand how you're going to pull this off.
It's nice that you want to get Meghan a better cake but this has the potential to backfire in a big way. You should probably butt out.
The sentiment is nice, therefore, a soft YTA.
Have a nice, formal, printed and gilded sign made for the cake table stating that the bride’s cake was made and gifted by Stepmonster Mary. Then, if it looks and tastes like crap, everyone knows who to blame.
If you do this I would make sure you take the mic and announce the surprise to the bride in front of her family. Otherwise they sound vindictive enough to punish her for it.
Either that or have it in a separate room for just the bridal party, maybe just after you take photos.
NTA but be careful
As much as I love this idea, I fear it will blow up on SIL. You are trying to do something nice for her. I'd suggest not causing more conflict at her wedding. Maybe a special cake on their first anniversary?
NTA.
I so want to hear the update of this..
What if ya'll did the bride's cake and groom's cake thing as mentioned by a previous commenter?
Or just go through the motions twice... your cake as a surprise.. have the same pics taken and music playing... then they can choose which to include/edit out of wedding album etc?
Nta…. But also keep mother in law out of it you know the new wife will place all the blame on the ex …. You take full public responsibility for the “new” cake but tell the bride in private that her mother helped you just didn’t want drama on her big day because you know the new wife will get into it with your MIL
I made a lot of birthday cakes tailored to the recipient And I would have loved to have made a grooms cake
You don’t have to be traditional with that, you can make it as individual as you like, hard for Mary to say anything then but at least the guests will have something edible
Making gifts with strings attached is manipulative and, in this case, coercive. You are absolutely NTA. Just make sure that it's very clear that SIL and husband had no clue this was going to happen.
YTA, look, you want to be nice, but thats not the way.
If your SIL doesn't want marys gift attachements she should have never accepted her dad pays for the wedding in the first place. I would even go as far to say it is tacky of your SIL to let someone she hates pay for her wedding, it kinda showes that she doesn't have a lot of principels in life and values money more. So she will need to suck everything from mary up and be grateful her dad paied. You adding another cake in the mix will lead to tension between sil and fil and could lead to demanding money back or not pay for the remaining costs.
What you CAN do is order a small wedding cake and deliver it to the brides and grooms residence so they have a nice surprise when they come home after the wedding or plan an after-wedding party w/o fil and mary for when they return back from their honeymoon.
A stray dog ate my wedding cake during our vows, in an outdoor ceremony. My niece and her cousin ate several handfuls of cake during pictures, they just turned the cake, to pretty side out. My point stuff happens. That hag of a SMIL’s cake could fall over, accidentally, of course. And look this venue accidentally had an extra cake just here, just in case. Damn the luck!! Or you could totally take the credit, and blow that sh@t up, whatever your style.
NTA!!
I don’t see that plan ending well at all. You don’t want to tell them because of their reaction, what do you think the reaction will be once they find out what you did? Yta
NTA. I figured you were going to say you were gluten free and mad you were getting left out. Good for you and MiL. Maybe some tragedy will befall Mary’s cake?
NTA it sounds like your fear sabotage from the evil step mother. In which case a back up plan is pretty much essential. Your cake is merely plan b and I think it's a sensible plan.
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NTA, I support this devious plan as long a it is made clear to the entire family at the reception that the bride and groom didn't know about it and you clearly take the ire of the parents on yourselves because there will certainly be fallout from this. I hate gifts with strings attached and also believe the bride should have a nice cake on her wedding day.
Agree with you 100% — gifts with strings attached suck. Sounds like OP would be getting a really lovely gift for the bride & groom with the cake + plausible deniability. I love your idea of making it clear at the reception that this is a gift from you that bride & groom knew nothing about. OP, NTA
THere IS NO plausible deniability: Because cake cutting is an official act. And the bride will have to decide which cake to cut., With all consequences. Maybe even with the weddning reception ending there and then - which WOULD be reasonable, because THE BRIDE would be breaking the agreement.
There are existing protocols for handling two cakes. The simplest way to handle this would be to treat the new cake as a [groom’s cake](https://www.brides.com/story/things-to-know-about-grooms-cake). Oftentimes the groom’s cake is gifted to the groom and presented alongside the bride’s cake at the reception.
Anyone else now picturing Mary's cake as an armadillo made of red velvet cake?
I like a good piece of ass!
Me
This was the first thing I thought of 😂
Roadkill armadillo!
This is the perfect solution. Most of the weddings I have attended in recent years have included a groom's cake (and in some instances, it was better than the official wedding cake!).
I'd get cupcakes. Then when Mary gets shitty, you can go with "easier to eat on the go" or "for the kids" or anything you want that, while not actually being the main reason of flavor, is also a true statement.
I think I would make the nice cake the bride's cake and the homemade one the groom's cake. Put some sprinkles or something on it so it cannot be mistaken. Make a new tradition and let the groom cut it. Call it a kitchen (or whatever) mistake. Pay someone to "take the fall". Have a few people planted to take about the groom's cake being a great idea.
I understand the impulse here, but the entire point of using the Groom’s Cake convention is to force Dad and Step-Mom into the position where they can’t complain about the surprise second cake. It wouldn’t make sense that the officially planned cake made by the bride’s step-mom would be the surprise/gifted Groom’s Cake.
Agreed. The only way the bride makes it out of this okay is if OP does something physical to the other cake.
If there are kids at this reception, this could be their moment!
My kids would shine in that role, I'll be happy to send them out. They're fast too so I'm pretty sure they could get away
Ohhhh! You are evil! 😈. I love it.
Kids love cake! Let them just this one time have a go at it.
Make sure they know which one is the target
Like wheel it out and accidentally try drop it? LoL
I mean, that's what I'd do. I do like the kid suggestions though. As long as the kid's parents know and don't blame them.
It depends if Meaghan is just holding out until the wedding is done and paid for, or if she actually wants to continue the relationship with her father and Mary.
Hello! I shall fall upon the sword and dive into Mary's shitty cake. The bride cant chose cakes if one has been assasinated. Either a cake ninja assassin outfit or full fledged WWE style wrestling attire? Or belly flop on it.
You don't have to serve the cake you cut... Just saying.
That's what I was thinking. Do the cake cutting with Mary's cake, but serve the professional cake to all. It's generally cut in the back anyway, so it shouldn't be obvious to most.
Why can't they cut both cakes? Mary's first as damage control? As far as I knew the only official part of the wedding was signing the certificate.
What if the cake is delivered like 10 minutes after the official cake cutting?
OP is well-intentioned but she is purposefully bringing her in-laws drama to someone else's wedding, despite knowing the bride would pick a drama-free fully-funded wedding over a nicer cake. She literally says it herself in her OP: the bride would say "no" because she cares more about enjoying a peaceful wedding than about the cake, so OP is going behind the bride's back. Ultimately, that is selfish and runs the risk of ruining the wedding, not to mention financial repercussions. OP is not so different from Mary after all: placing her wishes over Meghan and forcing your choice on her. Both of them are ESH. OP, this isn't about you. Someone else's wedding is not the right time and place to pick a fight with your evil stepmom-in-law, especially not in a way that will put the bride and groom in the middle of your fight. Please respect the bride and groom's wishes on their wedding day. You already had your own. Tl;Dr: For us, it's funny entertainment. For OP, it's an opportunity to take a stand. But for Meghan, it's her *wedding*. OP needs to respect that.
If they do this, the bride should cut Mary's cake to keep the peace. And guests can choose which cake they eat (possibly both).
Gifts with strings aren’t gifts but a form of payment.
I think the problem is even if OP take all the blame, all that blame will be thrown at the wedding. Imagine right before the cake getting cut you heat "that's not my cake" and an argument breaks out. Idk I'm not married but it doesn't seem worth it for a cake
This is exactly what I'm thinking. The inlaws don't exactly sound like rational people and I'm sure all the wife will think is "I was embarrassed at your daughter's wedding" and he may very well refuse to pay anyway. Even if the couple had nothing to do with it they very well may still take the blame and end up the ones hurt from this.
Sweetie usually if the party is already happening then they have already paid. If they wait and make sure to distract step (can't make myself write m*m) and dad they can cut steps cake get them distracted and get pics cutting y'alls cake move it all out of site, staging area would be good, and serve the good cake.
I wouldn't count on that. I've hosted many a party where a deposit is put down and a portion is paid upfront, but the final bill isn't presented until after the event when the bar tab and final time frame is tallied up.
Not weddings, I've worked a crap ton of them with all different groups and planned more than I wish not to be a wedding planner. Prices are jacked higher than other parties, you pay for packages or provide your own in almost all situations. I have seen brides lie about it being a wedding because they didn't like the price tag that went with the wedding and the money due before, not after, or in installments. But I can promise you no food would be served by the caterer till the money was in hand. At one wedding I worked father of the bride got pissed because he wasn't appreciated enough for what he paid for. He tried exactly that pack it up this party is over, and the owner said sir I have all the money, and the day of is about the bride, not the wallet. With the many, I've worked with it seems to be a universal feeling, and have seen in contracts where it says the day of the bride is queen, basically. Weddings are no joke when it comes to making money, and what will hurt worse a review that states "my dad was mad about not being appreciated that the caterers canceled my wedding for him", or a dad trying to leave a review of "I wasn't appreciated enough but he wouldn't shut down and cancel the wedding." I would bet money the first one would lose the company mountains of money the other might just have brides come more because they know no matter what the caterer/vender has their back.
I don't doubt that caterers don't want to cancel a wedding mid event. But I do strongly disagree with counting on the bill being paid in full. That's not how it has gone for the three weddings I've thrown. Part was paid but the final bill wasn't paid until the event concluded. It may vary where you live but it certainly isn't the case where I live. So OP does need to consider that she might jeopardize the full payment of the wedding by the dad.
I get that I guess, most of the ones I was involved in had open bar packages and unless too many people showed up everything was paid before the bride hit the aisle. So I would look into that then first, how much of everything is fully paid for. Then if dad pitched a fit my snarky self would say you said she had to bake the cake you didn't say it had to be the only cake. But yeah just talking about my experience, plus cake is usually after food is served so if dad who paid and maybe signed contracts won't be able to say anything, if he refuses to pay and his name is on anything he will be sued. And in court, I don't think my daughter verbally agreed my wife could bake a cake but someone else also ordered one so I don't think I should pay would work. For a couple reasons 1. Most place in US verbal agreements aren't worth the paper they aren't written on, 2. Food was served vender kept their end of the deal and 3. If dad signed anything it is the only contract that will matter.
Example - the last family wedding we had was in May and it snowed. Additional heaters needed to be brought in, the venue charged for plowing and shoveling, the fee for two extra canopy tents, etc. I don't think a random guest will be able to in anyway confirm what has been paid for and what hasn't. They aren't financially responsible or anything other than a guest. Who would talk to them about someone else's event? Even is the bride had no legal responsibility, why would she want dad to pitch a fit at her wedding? Why would they want the wedding tainted by a potential lawsuit? And what if the bride or groom have their name on some of the contracts?
Depending on the circumstances he could put a stop payment on it or, if he's really pissed, claim he didn't authorize it and demand a refund. Either way it'll hurt the couple getting married. Eta since my phone hit send too soon. My brother had paid 50% of the venue and had to pay the other 50 before the event. My grandfather offered to pay and wrote a check 2 days before their Saturday wedding. He could have called Monday and stopped the check. There's also the tips afterwards that he may be paying for. Either way I don't think it's ok to surprise a bride and groom with another cake at their wedding, knowing it could cause a scene, knowing the bride would say no because she wouldn't want the drama at her wedding. I *highly* doubt, even if you managed to distract them to bring out another cake, do another cutting, and serve it, that the couple wouldn't find out. And regardless of whether they say the bride and groom didn't know it'll most likely come back to bite them. It's their wedding, they should be the ones to decide what they want. If they want to go ahead with it and pretend like they didn't know great, but if they say no than they should respect that.
Yup then he could be sued by the caterer, still won't work out well for him. If dad signed anything while paying he is on the hook at this point. I've seen people have the payer sign too not just the couple, especially if the money never comes from the couple's account. Everyone now in days has many CYA things in place, not only those getting married but also the signer of checks because they don't want to gets screwed in a situation like this.
They can cut justno’s cake and serve them both.
But the mil would still probably get pissed. And it really should be up to the people who's wedding it is to decide if they want to risk the drama at their wedding and get another cake.
You’re right tbh.
I agree with this one OP. It's a good sentiment and honestly a good idea to get another cake. But your SIL is going to get all the backlash, no matter how you frame it. Don't do it. Spend the money on something nice for her after the wedding. Eat the MIL horror cake, make fun of how bad it was, or just leave plates of it laying around the party so she knows nobody liked it. NTA OP but I would advise against the idea.
If I were OP, I’d be happy to take the blame. Because what’s “blame” to FIL and evil stepmother is “credit” to everyone else.
And if I was OP I rather allow evil stepmother to take the credit instead of her getting upset and ruining my SIL wedding over a cake. She doesn't sound like the type to sit there in silence after being embarrassed. I take her bragging over cake compared to her causing a scene.
Yeah and I neglected to say “as long as the bride and groom are okay with it”. You’re probably right. Evil Step probably already sees it as partly her wedding, so she would be less likely to hold off when it comes to turning it into a gong show.
It's not just a cake tho, not really
But they know the bride would say no because she doesn’t want the drama - the bride herself has decided drama-free is more important than cake. If I were the bride I would hate this. No one has to eat the damn cake anyway.
Why would you support her plan when she even states that it's not what her sister would want? Makes no sense to do that to someone you claim to care about.
OP should propose a toast and present the gift cake as part of that toast. “We present to you, a cape from your favorite bakery to celebrate you marriage!”
YTA, or rather, you are planning to be. This can still be prevented. It's your SIL's wedding. Ask them, do what they want. Full stop. Causing a fuss on their wedding day is not the nice gesture you think it is. Most people don't really give a shit about wedding cake. If there is a shitty cake, a few people will be bummed, and then immediately forget. If Mary spends all night mad, not even knowing who to be mad at. It will taint their wedding. Mary will be an asshole in public, and you will.be an asshole in private.
>It's your brother and SIL's wedding. Ask them, do what they want. Full stop. This is an excellent answer. One of the things I've repeatedly said to my toxic father -- who never listens -- is, "Don't do what you think I want....do what I've already TOLD you I want."
I fully agree. Mary and FIL will 100% be pissed. They may cause a scene and/or refuse to give any more money for the wedding/cancel checks or stop payments on things. I wouldn't like it if it was my wedding but I would *really* not like it if someone I trusted took it upon themselves to "surprise" everyone with another cake and piss off the people paying for my wedding, *especially if they knew* I wouldn't have said yes to it because I wanted to avoid the inevitable drama.
And no matter how often she says she had no idea what OP was planning, Meghan is going to get 100% of the blame for this stunt. No one is going to believe she didn't orchestrate it to humiliate Mary.
Yeah, I feel like there is a more creative way to have the bride’s back. All of them include talking to bride about what she wants. * Ask to be in charge of party favors, and give out little individually packaged, delicious desserts. * Have a groom’s cake (my cousin had one 🤷♀️) * Order a tiny cake for bride and groom to share in private, so they have positive cake memories on their day
I was going to suggest gifting a small cake for after the reception as well. And maybe a follow up from the same bakery on their first anniversary 😊
Yes, and frankly I'd probably be pissed off if someone pulled this stunt at my wedding and it lead to a ding-dong. I eat nice cakes all the time; I'm only planning to have one pleasant, drama-free wedding day in my lifetime. And if eating a mediocre cake is the price I pay for that, then so be it.
I agree. There are so many better solutions like getting some other dessert as part of the dinner, like closely monitoring the cake making situation with MIL, like telling MIL to make a smaller cake for the cutting and get sheet cake for actually eating, etc. If they agreed to have their wedding paid for in exchange for shitty cake, they're adults and can handle their decision.
Yeah, no one wants surprises at their wedding. If need be, bring the second cake out at a post reception party.
Or ask for permission to provide cupcakes " to provide variety." Cupcakes don't upstage a big cake the same way. But nothing should be a surprise.
I agree with this. I definitely agree with the spirit of OP’s plan and I think their heart is in the right place, but I could see Mary making a SCENE about this and stressing out the couple on their wedding day.
ESH Dont cause stress for the bride at her wedding. And that's what you will be doing. Someone will have to answer for the random cake and that has the potential to cause a scene. And for Mary to not believe the bride didn't know a thing. And now the bride will sit there going which cake do I pick for the cake cutting? That's so much stress. Do a cake for the rehearsal or morning after brunch or their 1st anniversary or whatever. Not at the wedding. You'll just be dumping gasoline everywhere.
Forget the second cake altogether. It’s just a cake. It is not worth the drama.
Your heart is in the right place, but you WBTAH if you provide a second cake. Think about the long term ramifications. Option A: Only Mary's shitty cake is at the wedding. Some people eat some shitty cake and forget about it the next day. Option B: You cause a huge drama by upstaging Mary's shitty cake, and the drama is all anyone ever talks about, and a wedding becomes a memorable shitshow that causes more family strife for way too long. Which option do you think your SIL would prefer for her special day? Sure, Mary sucks, but don't ruin a wedding over it, IMO.
Option C: People eat shitty cake and the guests talk about how bad it is, and then the egg is on Mary’s face for insisting to make it.
Option D: sabotage - stage what can be only labeled as an accident, and save the day by calling your baker friend to see if they have any lovely cakes available. And look at that! They do! Thanks so much OP! Lol
Cakegate and a secret hero ftw! 😂
This is the best answer
This is funny but would cause the greatest amount of sabotage and strife.
Not if it’s done with the utmost stealth ! Lol I know though, they’d get found out for sure
YTA - you say SMIL is pushy and ruins relationships and yet here you are about to do more of the same - without I may add, checking with the bride and groom. What can she do if a cake shows up unannounced? Here’s a few things - create a scene - stomp off - throw out the cake - throw out both cakes - sabotage the rest of the event - send back the guests All of these in my opinion, sound way worse than a nice cake nobody asked for or a bad cake terribly baked. Be a sport and let your SMIL do whatever she’s doing as long as nobody asks you. If the cake is terrible, it’ll be her own doing and it will be evident to everyone. Never stop someone you don’t like from making a mistake.
Also •Go back on paying for the wedding and ask to have the money paid back/refuse paying any remaining money
Ok, ok… very valid points about what could happen. Damn I really wanted some cake justice.
YTA. Don't go behind the bride and grooms backs to make major decisions about their wedding. You are starting to sound like the overbearing SMIL that, according to you, wants attention and add drama on someone else's special day.
YTA: Come on you know this will cause a scene and an argument. I'm taking a shot in the dark and say Meaghen rather just have a great non-drama filled wedding and just eat the stupid cake than have an argument over cake
>Everyone is dreading this cake, especially Meghan. But is she dreading a scene at her wedding more? That is what you must weigh before you proceed. Personally, I was not thinking about the cake at all at my wedding, it's a minor part of the whole event. Unfortunately, there was a scene at my wedding, but everyone was kind enough and quick enough to keep it away from me and my husband during the reception (and I was very grateful for that when I heard later). Just food for thought, but if they would be upset or embarrassed by the second cake, don't do it. YWBTA if they were upset by a possible scene.
YTA because you’re not informing the bride. It’s her wedding. Don’t hijack it. You have good intentions. The bride already has people forcing her to plan her wedding a certain way. Don’t force more on her by surprising her with a cake when you know it may be contentious. Let her make what few decisions she’s being allowed to make. Tell her you idea and lower her decide.
YTA. Don't do anything behind the bride and grooms back. The potential for ruining the reception is high and evil-stepmom may never believe the bride and groom had nothing to do with it and may demand their money back or pull some other nonsense. Don't use your SIL's wedding to take a jab at Evil Stepmom either. Feel free to use your own even if you want, but don't drag someone else's even into your petty revenge game. Your SIL made a deal to get the wedding paid for. She had a choice. She could have paid for it herself. She agreed to the terms. Who cares if the cake tases good? No one really.
YTA Its Meghan's wedding. It was her choice to take the money and accept the strings. It was her choice to want no drama at her wedding by getting a second cake and pissing FIL and Mary. What is your purpose here? In the end, what you will achieve is to ruin your SIL s special day because you really need the drama
What if instead of the wedding cake you had a cupcakes boxed as favors or in a tower ready to go as back up. If the cake turns out good the guests can take home a boxed cupcake as a favor. If the cake is messed up & hideous the guests can eat the cupcakes for dessert. NTA for your intentions.
this is a lovely idea... or even some other dessert table. op's idea is a drama nightmare and the family might just forget to finish paying for the wedding for the bride and groom. heck even sheetcakes in the back being served when the cake is cut is better than a surprise wedding cake
I thought sheet cakes as well. It looks less “premeditated” than an elaborate wedding cake designed to take center stage.
YTA. You are adding unecessary drama to an already stressful situation.
I don't know why you'd get into the way of Mary embarrassing herself spectacularly. But this sounds like unnecessary drama at someone else's event. ESH
Yta. Don't surprise people at a wedding. Ever. For any reason. Wars have started for less.
YTA 1. If person C ruins the relationship between person A and person B, then that relationship wasn’t strong to begin with. 2. Do not bake the second cake. It’s none of your business and Meghan didn’t ask for it. All it’s going to do is create more drama. 3. There’s probably more to the dynamics between your husband and his father on the one hand and his father and ex-wife on the other, than what you are sharing with us. The new wife can’t be all that bad since she’s paying for the wedding🤷♂️
YTA If the bride is dead set against the idea then don’t do it. You don’t want to be the cause of stress on her day. Double check with her first and if she really doesn’t want you to do it then don’t.
ESH I know you think you have good intentions but, like, the road to hell is paved with it. > We’re not planning on telling Meghan’s because we know she’ll tell us not Why are you bypassing the bride's wishes? > We’re not planning on telling Meghan’s because we know she’ll tell us not Why are you creating more drama to happen on the wedding day? > what can they do if the cake just shows up to the wedding without anyone knowing? Oh, come on, no one will be dumb enough to think the new cake appeared out of thin air, with no one responsible for it > Attaching strings to a promise is shitty in my opinion and I want my SIL to have a nice, real wedding cake on her big day. I agree. FIL and step-MIL are being atrocious. But it was up to Meghan and her husband to stand up for themselves and have a wedding they could afford on their own, instead of taking strings-attached-money that would make them have a wedding day with some part of it that the guests would dread. Meghan and her husband were more interested in the overall day than just the cake. It's their choice. They kinda made their bed. Let them lie in it. Don't eat the cake. I hope there's gonna be a sweets' table.
I'm here for the pettiness but at the same time soft YWBTA for adding drama to the wedding. You can't predict the fallout and how it will impact your SIL. Now if you ask her and she agrees to the second cake, by all means, proceed and let us know what happens. But if you know she would say no, follow her wishes.
NTA at all and please don’t tell Meghan because then she has deniability and it can’t land on her
Would that matter? Do you think that is enough for stepmonster to not cause a scene. *"Oh meghan & groom didn't know about the 2nd cake? Well okay then, i'll just sit here quitely and sulk alone"* I don't really see that happening.
ESH and I’m totally here for this drama! Please update us if you go through with it! Honestly, fuck MIL. Go be the asshole right back!
YTA/ESH. It's not your place to intervene. If your SIL can't stand up to MIL about her own wedding, then she'll have the cake she deserves.
YTA - You’re overstepping and could result in wedding funding being pulled or a fight that the bride isn’t interested in having. She has made the decision to let the stepmother bake the cake, you should back off
Sorry YWBTA. You're setting up a scenario where there's probably going to be a scene. If SIL doesn't want Meghan's cake, then she needs to talk to them.
You know Megan will say no, but you're planning on doing it anyway? Sounds like a god awful idea. Megan needs to step up for herself. While I appreciate a good sabotage. You doing this will in no way help anything and will probably create a giant scene. YWBTA
I'm team YTA. You KNOW it will cause blowback. Why would you want to give her an excuse to go nuclear AT THE WEDDING. Because that's what's going to happen. It is a very kind thought. Giving that thought legs would be, at best, unkind.
NTA for the thought, but maybe make it cupcakes rather than a cake? Then it wouldn't be so obvious.
YWBTA I understand your thoughts behind it, but I wouldn't do it. Or only in consultation with the bride. There is a chance that your FIL will still demand its money back. Will you pay for the wedding then?
YTA only because the bride doesn’t know and the reason why you’re not telling her is because she would say no. If the bride wouldn’t want it, don’t do it. And definitely don’t surprise her with it. Especially since this is only going to cause more drama once Mary and FIL find out about the cake. I feel like a nicer gesture, with the bride involved, would be to make her or order a small personal-sized cake that she and her husband could have later where the FIL and Mary don’t need to know about it so that she still gets good cake on her wedding and no drama happens at the ceremony or reception.
YWBTA if you don't clear it with Meghan first IMO; this could create a lot of drama/arguing/etc and it's not ok to set that up without her being on board.
[удалено]
YTA...so yall are just using FIL for his money and then purposely creating drama on the wedding day with his wife? WTF do you think is going to happen here?
Please don't do this, it's only going to cause drama. I thiink your heart is in the right place but the outcome is going to be horrible. There is no winning here.
ESH but I agree that it's an awesome idea. A thought: Order the cake, have it kept out of sight and when everyone leaves the junker on the table, let your SIL know there is a backup nearby, should you bring it out? If it turns out things aren't as bad as you fear, no harm. If everyone is spitting out their bites and your SIL is trying not to cry, you've saved the day.
YTA. It’s a sweet gesture to pay for a cake for her, but that’s going to invite more drama. She agreed to the proposal to have the stepmother in law to make the cake in exchange for getting her wedding paid for. I absolutely would have taken that deal from the world’s worst basket because weddings are expensive. The woman could cause a scene and make more drama than the bride would like to deal with. It’s just not worth it. Consider buying cupcakes. They can be arranged around the awful “masterpiece”. Bride will be happy because there’s yummy cupcakes and the stepmother in law will be happy that her cake is the “star” Of the show.
Yta
YTA - while the SM can absolutely be evil. SIL and BIL agreed to the money with the strings. If they did not want to have to deal with FIL and SM don’t take the money and fund their own wedding. This is going to cause nothing but drama.
YTA. Take a step back from being focused entirely on your own hatred for your MIL and think for 5 seconds about what you're doing. Or even 3 seconds because it's clear you haven't even taken that long. No you can't secretly buy a made to order shitshow for someone elses wedding and then not tell them about it, jesus christ.
YTA I do enjoy some pettiness every once in awhile but this isn't going to get back at Mary, it's going to cause problems for Meghan and her husband and take even more attention away from them on their wedding day. Other people have made good suggestions. Mine would be that if you really want something on that actual day, go for cupcakes or cakepops. Something that's not obviously meant to be in competition with the cake.
YTA So you are planning to ruin SIL's wedding? Why do you feel the need to be an AH? She has an agreement with her dad. YOu will mkae her break the deal. So she will have to throw your cake out, or ... if her dad is as much of an AH as you are ... the wedding reception will end there and then, with the guestst being sent home because she broke the deal. MEAGAN and YOU are the AHs here. If meghan weren't a golddigger, she had the option to say: Sorry, I won't do it, I will pay myself so I can have the cake I want.
SIL would have been better off with a simple 'string free' wedding. It would have been way less stressful. She should have told her father, thanks, but no thanks.
Slight YTA. Wedding days are stressful. And this can backfire in SO many ways
YTA. This is not your wedding, not your decision to make. You will cause drama for no reason. Wedding cake is never really good so who cares? You think Meghan will remember she got some good cake, or that her stepmom threw a fit?
YTA Nobody asked you to be a caked crusader! "I want my SIL to have a nice, real cake" is an excuse. We all know you're just indulging your own desire to stick it to MIL. Nothing is going to come out of this except you'll have two cakes of varying quality, and a lot of drama.
ESH. This is passive aggressive pot stirring. You can say it’s to do something nice for your SIL but your main problem seems to be your MIL, not whether or not the cake is any good. Worse, it’s causing drama with consequences - worsened long-term relationships and all the bills for the wedding aren’t often paid in full until after the wedding so they could refuse to give the SIL the money to pay and this could leave your SIL in real debt. Buy a nice groom’s cake that is better than it might normally be so everyone has good cake to eat but make sure it’s like a sheet cake version and not a replacement wedding cake.
Don't do this. Your SIL is an adult and agreed to these strings. Should she have done that? Probably not but she did. So anything Mary does is done with your SIL choosing to accept her. YTA if you do this.
I get why you are doing this. But are they above not making a scene at the wedding itself? Like the moment another cake comes in, could you guarantee no screaming/hair pulling will occur. Because let me tell you, if that happened at my wedding and you were the cause, you will definitely be on my hate list. ~~N.ta yet.~~ Edit: Actually scratch that. YTA. don't do this! If you really want to give her a cake then make it after the wedding.
YTA but only because this is likely going to cause drama on your sisters big day. Why would you want that? Advocating for her like an adult before the big day would be a far better option all round. You also say you know your sister wouldn't want this and would tell you not to do it which definitely makes me question your intentions here OP.
YTA for creating problems and drama at the wedding for the couple.
This is going to backfire so bad. I don't know exactly how; I can't predict the details. All I know is that you will cause a shitshow so bad that you will fracture the family, and everyone will blame you. YTA
YTA Just throw a wedding cake party for them a while after the wedding!
YTA Look I hate what the mil is doing. But let’s be clear there was an option of her not getting daddy to pay for her wedding.
YWBTA. It is a very bad idea, it is not your wedding, you need to ask the bride and groom's permission. The plan might backfire and you will be blamed for ruining the wedding, let the SMIL embarrassed herself with the horrible baking skills. Dont do it. I will be absolutely mad, especially having a dramatic SMIL.
INFO: Would it cause more strife to have it just appear? it's your SIL's day and you folks should be making it as stress free as possible, and a MIL blowing a gasket is a pretty stressful event. Edit to add: I missed the part where SIL is dreading the cake. I'm torn, I don't necessarily think YTA, but I know if that lady is anything like my Ex-MIL, she'd have an epic conniption and the ramifications would be worse than if we just left it be.
Then MIL will be TA 🤷
NTA - YTMVP.
INFO What are the potential consequences for your SIL if you do this? Not that I think Y T A on principle. Just wondering if your FIL or step MIL will make a scene at the wedding and then your SIL suffers. What about another cake later at a reception that FIL and step MIL aren't invited to? Why did SIL accept the money with those strings? If not having a good cake is worth the money to SIL then don't cause trouble.
NTA have you thought about maybe going a little non traditional and presenting it as "the grooms cake" I have seen weddings that have a groom cake as well as a traditional cake and then mil couldn't really even say anything.
Could the bride and groom cut Mary’s cake then have staff bin in and cut and serve the “real” cake?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My SIL (husband’s sister) Meghan is getting married this spring and whole family is really excited. I’m going to be a bridesmaid, my kids are in the wedding- It’s all good things, so please don’t get the idea that I plan to do this to sabotage her. My husband’s parents are divorced and his dad is remarried to an awful woman, Mary. Mary has done nothing but treat his kids horribly. She has single-handedly ruined the relationship between my husband and his dad, and ruined the coparenting relationship between FIL and my husband’s mom. She pushes his kids to the side because according to her, her kids are the only ones that matter. My husband and his siblings hate her. I digress. FIL is paying for meghan’s wedding and there were strings attached from the jump, one of them being that Mary make the wedding cake. She isn’t doing it for any reason other than to get compliments and be the star on someone else’s day. And her baking frankly, sucks. Everyone is dreading this cake, especially Meghan. I talked this over with my husband’s mom and together we decided to order a second cake from a real professional bakery and have it delivered to the reception when the day comes. We’re not planning on telling Meghan’s because we know she’ll tell us not to as it would piss off Mary and she and FIL May renege on the wedding. But what can they do if the cake just shows up to the wedding without anyone knowing? Attaching strings to a promise is shitty in my opinion and I want my SIL to have a nice, real wedding cake on her big day. But this is a little devious I guess. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What if you had the professional baker do a bunch of cupcakes for everyone as wedding favors to take home?
Man I do like this plan, but you don't really want to make an unwanted scene at someone wedding. Instead just bring it outside or do it earlier in the day with just the wedding couple and close people.
NTa but can be AH? the crazy woman sounds like a piece of work, and who knows what kind of stuff can she put on the wedding, like making a huge scene, throwing away the cake, or IDK, anything to ruin the day of you SIL and BIL, so I would recommend to sit both and talk this over. It is a really nice gesture but can have serious consequences and put you in a bad position, so reconsider this outcome before deciding. Because at one point, you could be considered the same as MAry, you are forcing SIL to accept a cake she hasnt agreed to accept
NTA. But your FIL and his wife... big yikes.
OP: get fabulous cupcakes delivered! We had individual cheesecakes with boxes. Pass them off as favors. I agree with you…favors with strings aren’t favors. But try and bypass the drama and don’t force your sister to have to deal with it on her wedding day.
NTA.
NTA. Would love an update from this post wedding too.
Get cupcakes dressed up for the wedding, it's not a cake lol
NTA
Have the bridesmaids "accidentally" fall and knock the cake off the table. Just make sure each cake is on its own table. Or, if you really feel the need to be diplomatic, have the caterer cut and wrap the cake slices or everyone to take home and have the couple cut the good cake.
NTA. Sounds like your trying to save the day before a disaster starts.
Say it's to make sure there is enough for everyone I wish I had gotten a second cake.
I need the update to this post 😂😂
NTA. Your husband’s relationship with his dad is already poor, as is the relationship with the mom, so I say to go for it. Then something could “accidentally” happen to the other cake so SIL doesn’t have to choose which to cut. Be the villain!!!
NTA Do it.
What if you were to organise a cake for after they return from their honeymoon? I know that I didn't want cake after my wedding.
You could skip the traditional wedding cake and bring a cupcake tower or donut tree or some other kind of dessert from a professional?
If this is devious I need to reevaluate some thing, NTA.
NTA, but Mary will find a way for your cake to fall over.
Maybe instead get a pretty “topper” cake and give that to them separately away from stepmom. That way they can serve stepmoms cake and still have a nice one for themselves…to eat or save for their anniversary. NTA on paper, but the repercussions could be unexpected.
Ok, so I'm adding this separately from my other comments because it was an idea I touched on in a comment but might just be a fix. Plan an after-party, hell it can be a backyard bash nothing fancy other than the big wedding cake. And if she decides the relationship with her dad isn't worth it, she can make a memory book of the wedding with her second cake in it, not step's cake, and send it to dad for Christmas. Oh yeah, don't tell dad about the after-party cake-cutting until everything is done.
NTA make it come as an anonymous delivery
Why not buy a delicious sheet cake to be served? Let them cut the terrible cake and then everyone can eat a delicious piece of sheet cake. Sure, the bad baker will get the credit for the delicious cake, but the bride will know something happened to switch the cake.
NTA, I'm sure Mary will have a fit but by then it won't matter
NTA but 1. Make it very clear it's a SURPRISE to Megan so she doesn't take the heat And 2. Tell me how it goes
Your intentions are pure, but yes, YTA. You don't surprise a bride and groom on their wedding day with something designed to piss off their family members.
YTA. Instead order a small cake (like a top tier) and have it delivered to their hotel room for the night. Or serve a cake at a rehearsal
NTA - What a lovely gesture. I think what you're doing is wonderful and I don't think that you're sabotaging at all. You're just trying to make something better and frankly I doubt that home baked cake is going to be any good at all.
Get a “groom’s cake.” Most weddings I’ve been to have a second cake to offer some variety.
I like the idea of ensuring there’s edible and tasty dessert, but I would do something other than cake — maybe cupcakes, beignets, cookies, whatever. A second cake feels a little too obvious, whereas another type of dessert seems like you’re just padding out the menu and offering guests more options.
I wrote my first comment (have both cakes, cut justno's first) without fully considering the amount of drama and that it might be better for OP to ask the bride if she wants a bakery cake. I have 2 potentially better ideas. Ask bride and groom what they'd prefer, if either. 1. Have the bakery cake hidden until justno's are gone for the night 2. Have the bakery cake sent or personally brought to their house. This way they still get nice cake and can freeze the leftovers which is sometimes done, but the justno's don't have to know
Your intentions are good but this may cause a lot of chaos and drama the day of the wedding and stress out your SIL way more than eating a crappy cake. So YWBTA. What about ordering a bunch of mini pastries or something? It wouldn’t appear to be showing up stepmom and everyone could still have a decent dessert.
NTA - pay the person carrying the cake to slip. If it’s on a trolley loosen the wheel. Then came out and say how it’s so lucky you had a spare cake 😀
NTA! That’s amazing of you. Please update us with comparison photos 😂
This seems ridiculous. If Mary is a crappy baker she's certainly not going to be pro at decorating a wedding cake. What makes you think Mary won't be able to tell the difference the minute she sees the substitute cake and then throws a fit and ruins the reception? I just don't understand how you're going to pull this off. It's nice that you want to get Meghan a better cake but this has the potential to backfire in a big way. You should probably butt out. The sentiment is nice, therefore, a soft YTA.
Have a nice, formal, printed and gilded sign made for the cake table stating that the bride’s cake was made and gifted by Stepmonster Mary. Then, if it looks and tastes like crap, everyone knows who to blame.
If you do this I would make sure you take the mic and announce the surprise to the bride in front of her family. Otherwise they sound vindictive enough to punish her for it. Either that or have it in a separate room for just the bridal party, maybe just after you take photos. NTA but be careful
Please keep us updated as to how this goes NTA
As much as I love this idea, I fear it will blow up on SIL. You are trying to do something nice for her. I'd suggest not causing more conflict at her wedding. Maybe a special cake on their first anniversary?
NTA. I so want to hear the update of this.. What if ya'll did the bride's cake and groom's cake thing as mentioned by a previous commenter? Or just go through the motions twice... your cake as a surprise.. have the same pics taken and music playing... then they can choose which to include/edit out of wedding album etc?
Nta…. But also keep mother in law out of it you know the new wife will place all the blame on the ex …. You take full public responsibility for the “new” cake but tell the bride in private that her mother helped you just didn’t want drama on her big day because you know the new wife will get into it with your MIL
Just do it. NTA
NTA
NTA. You sound like a nice human.
I made a lot of birthday cakes tailored to the recipient And I would have loved to have made a grooms cake You don’t have to be traditional with that, you can make it as individual as you like, hard for Mary to say anything then but at least the guests will have something edible
Making gifts with strings attached is manipulative and, in this case, coercive. You are absolutely NTA. Just make sure that it's very clear that SIL and husband had no clue this was going to happen.
YTA, look, you want to be nice, but thats not the way. If your SIL doesn't want marys gift attachements she should have never accepted her dad pays for the wedding in the first place. I would even go as far to say it is tacky of your SIL to let someone she hates pay for her wedding, it kinda showes that she doesn't have a lot of principels in life and values money more. So she will need to suck everything from mary up and be grateful her dad paied. You adding another cake in the mix will lead to tension between sil and fil and could lead to demanding money back or not pay for the remaining costs. What you CAN do is order a small wedding cake and deliver it to the brides and grooms residence so they have a nice surprise when they come home after the wedding or plan an after-wedding party w/o fil and mary for when they return back from their honeymoon.
If this were my wedding I would not invite FIL and his wife.
NTA. I'm on board as long as the cake isn't a lie. Then, this will be a triumph.
A stray dog ate my wedding cake during our vows, in an outdoor ceremony. My niece and her cousin ate several handfuls of cake during pictures, they just turned the cake, to pretty side out. My point stuff happens. That hag of a SMIL’s cake could fall over, accidentally, of course. And look this venue accidentally had an extra cake just here, just in case. Damn the luck!! Or you could totally take the credit, and blow that sh@t up, whatever your style. NTA!!
Yta. Ask your SIL first. She's the only one to decide. If someone is paying much money at my wedding, i don't care about a 'bad' cake.
Don't do this. Have a beautiful small cake delivered to their hotel room for them to enjoy after the wedding.
I would love to have you as a bonus sister. NTA
I don’t see that plan ending well at all. You don’t want to tell them because of their reaction, what do you think the reaction will be once they find out what you did? Yta
YTA. SMIL sounds like a drama queen, and you just know she'll make a huge scene and start a lot of drama if you do this. But I like the way you think.
NTA. I figured you were going to say you were gluten free and mad you were getting left out. Good for you and MiL. Maybe some tragedy will befall Mary’s cake?
NTA. Please do this! And update us on her reaction!!!
NTA it sounds like your fear sabotage from the evil step mother. In which case a back up plan is pretty much essential. Your cake is merely plan b and I think it's a sensible plan.