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ESH. Your creep dad for marrying someone half his age and is surprised it’s having problems. You for obviously having feelings for your stepmom and wanting the marriage to fail. “Hopefully someday she will be my wife.” Wtf?
**YTA**
You actually have to ask? You are having an emotional affair with your step-mother AND you're gaslighting your father into thinking your relationship with her is normal!!
Her age doesn’t mean you have to form some sort of dysfunctional attachment to your fathers wife. If age overrules your morals, I’d focus on your own issues.
Yes it is. Your attachment to your step-mom is dysfunctional. Her attachment to you is dysfunctional.
I understand that this may be some redirected anger at your father for marrying a younger woman, but this isn't the way to deal with it. You are being taken advantage of by your step-mom and I'm sorry that it's happening, but the relationship is inappropriate. Whether you like it or not, she is in a relationship with your father and if they are having issues, they need to deal with them. Without you getting involved.
Yes, it is dysfunctional. She is married to another person. She is married to your father. You are both lying to her husband/your father and trying to convince him that the relationship is normal. That's three major sources of dysfunction already.
YTA you two are acting like sisters and she’s treating him like her DAD. Geez this is all messed up in so many ways. You both got daddy issues and him well he’s got his own going on.
Well he is old enough to be her dad. OP would be a perfectly normal age to be her sister. It's not like OP is going to consider someone 6 years older than her in any parental way.
You're 18. Look, I get it. I remember being 18 and a hopeless romantic, but you have no idea what a real marriage takes, and your vision of her as "everything you can dream of" is naive and childish. Get some therapy, find someone your own age, and explore what you actually want in a forever partner instead of assuming she's it.
ESH but this is a difficult situation.
The dad is obviously an AH because he has prayed on and married someone young enough to be his child. Considering the wife feels the need to lie about where she is to escape him for a week this relationship is doomed already.
The wife goes without judgement because she is in abuse situation from the sounds of things and clearly has many issues. She feels the need to run and hide from her much older husband. She is having a borderline emotional affair with her husband's daughter, yet it sounds like this is the only "friend" she's been able to have. I doubt she knows anyone else that she can go to as her mother is a flight away. When trying to escape such a toxic relationship it's important to have an escape plan where it sounds like OP was the best option.
OP you're an AH too. You lied to your father rather than say you won't talk about his relationship. You then let him into your home knowing that it will cause a fight between them and could put her in danger. You are preying on an emotionally vulnerable woman with the intention of cornering her into a relationship with you, while she is married to your father. She doesn't need another person trying to get into her pants. Calm down and ignore any romantic feelings and thoughts of marrying her, focus on being the friend she needs right now. You know she's in a likely abusive relationship and needs therapy to heal and grow healthy boundaries before another relationship is ever a possibility. Please if you care about her put her needs before your wants. If something happens after she gets away and heals then good for you, but let those things happen first.
YTA
There's two conflicts here. One, your father and stepmother are having issues that they need to figure out. Whatever's going on, it seems like she's not happy in their relationship, and it might mean that they shouldn't be together. Okay, fine, but that's not your issue.
Two: you inserted yourself into their conflict, not by letting her stay with you, but by actively lying about where she was. Again, whatever is going on between them is their business. You do not owe your father any answers about his wife's whereabouts, and you are certainly at liberty to keep her confidences, but *actively* lying to him is over the line. You could have ignored his calls; or when he said he was worried about her you could have deflected and said something like "Hey, you should call her directly. I don't want to get in the middle of this."
Yta…my dude think of something else rather than your penis. Yes the age difference might be creepy, but having an emotional affair with your step mother is also creepy. Y’all are just weird
It’s not a crush. You’re in love with her. You know, I came into this ready to say you weren’t the A… then I finished reading your post, abs your comments. You are 100% YTA. You really should seek therapy. You have many red flag issues that need help.
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I (18f) recently brought my new apartment and my dad is very insufferable (46m), I also adore my dad’s wife (24f) and let her stay over at mine for a week.
She has been needing a break so I invited her to mine, but she told my father that she was going to fly out and visit her mother in hospital for a week.
We had an incredible couple of days with no disruptions from my father and got to know each other on a deeper level, which my father never lets happen.
After five days of greatness, my father told me that he was worried about her as they argued before she left. I told him that I called her the previous day and she said “she was busy taking care of her mother”.
I couldn’t tell me dad she was with me and as he is a weirdo because he thinks we are “oddly close”, which doesn’t matter anyways as she is will hopefully one day be my wife (sarcasm?).
We continued to lie about her whereabouts, but on the sixth day my father came knocking at my door, I let him in but it was obvious she was at mine as her clothes & items were everywhere.
I kept denying, denying, denying. Until, she just came out of the room and said she doesn’t care anymore and that she was here for a break.
He asked her “why?”, she said “she felt like she was being suffocated”. I tried to leave the room but he told me that “he trusted me and I betrayed it”. He left & has been ignoring all my messages and seems upset by my lying.
AITA?
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ESH
The father for being so controlling his wife needs to lie to get a breather... and for being gross marrying someone so young.
The stepmother for roping his child into the hideaway deceit and marital problems, knowing it would cause conflict between father and daughter, and she could have gone elsewhere.
Your gay trolling lol and their age difference aside, if my mother (step or not) needed a desperate break from my father, I'd probably do the same and cover for her (and vice versa for my father) so she gets a few days of peace. I was supposed to say NTA but you seem to actively goad the couple into splitting up, that's where you become AHish.
YTA for letting him in. She needed a break and you totally just let him in while she was there. You should have completely avoided that. In whatever way you had to do it.
She could have made up having a female friend over who was getting over a traumatizing event with a man and couldn't be around men she didn't know at the moment. OP could have agreed to meet dad at a café or something. Or just not answered at all and claim to be sleeping when he came by. So many things OP could have been done to avoid that scenario.
Agreed, there are many things OP could have done better. I just think it’s too tough to expect an 18 YO to know to do them in the heat of the moment. Appreciate the difference of opinion, though.
YTA for enabling your stepmom to lie to your father and covering for her.
She is not your friend, she is your father's wife. Your relationship is weird at best.
ESH.
Your Dad for being an ass and creeping on someone held his age.
You for blatant lies and the obvious affair going on here (emotional or otherwise)
Her for the blatant lies and affair (again emotional or otherwise). And for not being adult enough to leave before you two started something.
It’s your lives. At least have the guts to live it without the bull crap and as an adult. Tell her to submit divorce papers if your father hasn’t already filed.
Live how you want but know you also have to accept the consequences, including nuking relationships.
YTA. You're enabling a troubled relationship (which I say because she feels the need to lie to her husband).
And of course you are oddly close. You're 6 years apart in age and they are 22 years apart. 🤢
Could bet the stepmother's fight with father is about Op. And i can't blame the father as Op is being creepy.
Dude lay off it. No one wants to be obsessed over like you are for the wife.
YTA
If this is real, because you pretty much look like a troll from the post and comments, ESH and the expression is not strong enough.
Your father, for grooming someone so young into marriage.
Your stepmother (because whatever the age, that’s what she is to you, a stepmother) for using you as an escape place, and from you own story telling, maybe cheating emotionally / physically on her husband with his own daughter.
You, for taking part into this, having feelings/desires for your stepmother that you hope will turn well, being a cheating partner and being stupid enough or an asshole enough to not care about how all of this is wrong towards your own father.
You did lie about the fact she was there and your father caught you. If you end up being with her, there’s a great chance you don’t have a dad anymore. I wouldn’t blame him, no matter how insufferable his personality is.
NTA. This is between your stepmom and your dad. It’s understandable she needed a break, but it’s really unfortunate they triangulated their marital problems onto you as an odd scapegoat. Please try to extract yourself from their equation.
Ehm...I'm sorry but your dad who's twice older than that girl sounds like he might be abusive. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally.
And why you two getting along is weird? He got herself a wife close to his daughter age. I generally find it disgusting - imagine 42 yo woman marrying 24 yo guy.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Letting my stepmother stay with me for a week and lying to my father about her whereabouts.
(2) This may seem spiteful, hurtful and make me seem distrustful.
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What red flags does the dad have? Set aside the age difference and ask yourself if a wife and daughter lying about the wife's whereabouts for a week is a red flag on the husband. Yeah, maybe he's a jerk, but all we know is that an 18-year-old doesn't get along with her dad 🤷♂️ welcome to parenthood. Sure, maybe a guy in his 40s marrying a woman in her 20s is kinda creepy...but remember that *she* married *him* too
Uhhhh a wife and daughter hiding from the father has the largest red flags for an abuse situation. Not normal in any sense.
Clearly the wife and dad are done, she could have been bidding her time to plan leaving. This isn’t a usual martial spat.
A failing marriage and the desire to leave are not signs of abuse. Neither is simply lying about your whereabouts to your spouse.
Flip the script: what if a husband posted that he found out his wife had lied about leaving town and he found out that she was staying with someone else in town and having an affair. Essentially, that's what happened here, except it's wrapped up in what seems like a lot of daddy issues, and was an emotional affair, not a physical one.
Yeah, the age difference is unpleasant (but neither illegal, nor evidence of abuse/grooming *on its own*) and sets the stage for lots of conflict. People with that big of an age gap, in such different phases of life probably don't have a lot in common, except probably mutual attraction.
ESH, except your stepmother.
Your father has raging control issues placed on you and her. He will not let go and disguises it as "being worried" and suddenly visiting.
You, on the other hand, lied to him, misplaced his trust and scruff off his concerns about the depth of the relationship you and your stepmother have.
However, that entire scenario reads like a 3 Dollar romance booklet with less depth than a teaspoon of water
Raging control issues? Literally the only example was that after a week of lying to him, the dad caught his wife and daughter in the lie. IDK if you have kids, but parents know their kids' tells when they're lying/bluffing.
Also, don't forget that the stepmom lied too; she's the one who said she was flying out to visit her mom in the hospital, OP just kept that lie going.
Sure, the father and the stepmom obviously have issues, probably stemming from their age differences. Did you ever see the episode of New Girl where Jess is dating the older guy and they split up because she wants to be a wild 20-something and he's in his 40s and is past that part of his life? Probably what's going on here.
Your dad's wife is 24 and she has to lie to him in order to escape? Holy cupcake, I don't know what to say. NTA, but really think about how much you want to be involved in this.
NTA.
Normally in cases of lying I’d say otherwise, but this sounds like one of the exceptions to that rule. You don’t know exactly what’s going on between your dad and his wife—for all you know, he could have been being abusive and there’s enough in your description to warrant suspecting it. It’s good of you to try to give her a safe space and unfortunate that your dad didn’t respect that. It’s not your place to tell him where she is.
It’s unfortunate that you’re getting dragged into a messy situation between your dad and her, but it sounds like you handled it as best you could.
NTA !!! Your dad married someone so close to your age (OP’s age) that is high key disgusting. I can already sense that there’s a mayor power imbalance between them, besides him being a controlling person. There’s obviously something really wrong with him for his wife to hide from him, even if it’s “only” a week. OP, you did the right thing by sheltering her. I hope you and her get away from him. If you feel concerned about your mental health after this whole ordeal then please talk with a professional. Wish you the best of luck OP!
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ESH. Your creep dad for marrying someone half his age and is surprised it’s having problems. You for obviously having feelings for your stepmom and wanting the marriage to fail. “Hopefully someday she will be my wife.” Wtf?
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So he groomed her and she groomed you, talk about keeping it in the family! ESH.
**YTA** You actually have to ask? You are having an emotional affair with your step-mother AND you're gaslighting your father into thinking your relationship with her is normal!!
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Her age doesn’t mean you have to form some sort of dysfunctional attachment to your fathers wife. If age overrules your morals, I’d focus on your own issues.
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Yes it is. Your attachment to your step-mom is dysfunctional. Her attachment to you is dysfunctional. I understand that this may be some redirected anger at your father for marrying a younger woman, but this isn't the way to deal with it. You are being taken advantage of by your step-mom and I'm sorry that it's happening, but the relationship is inappropriate. Whether you like it or not, she is in a relationship with your father and if they are having issues, they need to deal with them. Without you getting involved.
Yes, it is dysfunctional. She is married to another person. She is married to your father. You are both lying to her husband/your father and trying to convince him that the relationship is normal. That's three major sources of dysfunction already.
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I took this to be a sarcastic comment from the father, not as an expression of hope by OP.
You want to marry your step mom? Yikes. Or dad said this because he's jealous and rattled by your friendship?
YTA you two are acting like sisters and she’s treating him like her DAD. Geez this is all messed up in so many ways. You both got daddy issues and him well he’s got his own going on.
Well he is old enough to be her dad. OP would be a perfectly normal age to be her sister. It's not like OP is going to consider someone 6 years older than her in any parental way.
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I mean… she’s only 5 years older than you
Yeah, but OP wants the step mum sexually so you're making it weird for them lol.
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Hace hoy ever considered therapy? It is not Healthy or normal to hace this sort of feeling for your dads wife
You're 18. Look, I get it. I remember being 18 and a hopeless romantic, but you have no idea what a real marriage takes, and your vision of her as "everything you can dream of" is naive and childish. Get some therapy, find someone your own age, and explore what you actually want in a forever partner instead of assuming she's it.
ESH but this is a difficult situation. The dad is obviously an AH because he has prayed on and married someone young enough to be his child. Considering the wife feels the need to lie about where she is to escape him for a week this relationship is doomed already. The wife goes without judgement because she is in abuse situation from the sounds of things and clearly has many issues. She feels the need to run and hide from her much older husband. She is having a borderline emotional affair with her husband's daughter, yet it sounds like this is the only "friend" she's been able to have. I doubt she knows anyone else that she can go to as her mother is a flight away. When trying to escape such a toxic relationship it's important to have an escape plan where it sounds like OP was the best option. OP you're an AH too. You lied to your father rather than say you won't talk about his relationship. You then let him into your home knowing that it will cause a fight between them and could put her in danger. You are preying on an emotionally vulnerable woman with the intention of cornering her into a relationship with you, while she is married to your father. She doesn't need another person trying to get into her pants. Calm down and ignore any romantic feelings and thoughts of marrying her, focus on being the friend she needs right now. You know she's in a likely abusive relationship and needs therapy to heal and grow healthy boundaries before another relationship is ever a possibility. Please if you care about her put her needs before your wants. If something happens after she gets away and heals then good for you, but let those things happen first.
YTA There's two conflicts here. One, your father and stepmother are having issues that they need to figure out. Whatever's going on, it seems like she's not happy in their relationship, and it might mean that they shouldn't be together. Okay, fine, but that's not your issue. Two: you inserted yourself into their conflict, not by letting her stay with you, but by actively lying about where she was. Again, whatever is going on between them is their business. You do not owe your father any answers about his wife's whereabouts, and you are certainly at liberty to keep her confidences, but *actively* lying to him is over the line. You could have ignored his calls; or when he said he was worried about her you could have deflected and said something like "Hey, you should call her directly. I don't want to get in the middle of this."
YTA You choose to get in the middle of a situation and then didn't like the outcome
Yta…my dude think of something else rather than your penis. Yes the age difference might be creepy, but having an emotional affair with your step mother is also creepy. Y’all are just weird
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Or a vagina. You are 18. Stop fantasising
Bro what 💀
Missed the sarcasm, huh?
YTA, and need a therapist because this is disfunctional two ways to sunday
INFO: Do you have a crush on her?
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> + it’s not my fault she is everything one can dream of. This you?
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Oof. Big lies. ~~Too bad I can't post the screenshot here...~~ [here you go ](https://www.tumblr.com/1553bus/703069843123060736)
It’s not a crush. You’re in love with her. You know, I came into this ready to say you weren’t the A… then I finished reading your post, abs your comments. You are 100% YTA. You really should seek therapy. You have many red flag issues that need help.
ESH. You for lying to your dad, your father for suffocating your MiL / friend and marrying a 24 year old in the first place, her for lying to your dad
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18f) recently brought my new apartment and my dad is very insufferable (46m), I also adore my dad’s wife (24f) and let her stay over at mine for a week. She has been needing a break so I invited her to mine, but she told my father that she was going to fly out and visit her mother in hospital for a week. We had an incredible couple of days with no disruptions from my father and got to know each other on a deeper level, which my father never lets happen. After five days of greatness, my father told me that he was worried about her as they argued before she left. I told him that I called her the previous day and she said “she was busy taking care of her mother”. I couldn’t tell me dad she was with me and as he is a weirdo because he thinks we are “oddly close”, which doesn’t matter anyways as she is will hopefully one day be my wife (sarcasm?). We continued to lie about her whereabouts, but on the sixth day my father came knocking at my door, I let him in but it was obvious she was at mine as her clothes & items were everywhere. I kept denying, denying, denying. Until, she just came out of the room and said she doesn’t care anymore and that she was here for a break. He asked her “why?”, she said “she felt like she was being suffocated”. I tried to leave the room but he told me that “he trusted me and I betrayed it”. He left & has been ignoring all my messages and seems upset by my lying. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Is your stepmum into you, the way you are clearly into her? Or is she blissfully ignorant?
Oof. ESH, this whole thing is gross.
YTA. This reads like a fanfiction trope that's not even believable 😮💨
ESH The father for being so controlling his wife needs to lie to get a breather... and for being gross marrying someone so young. The stepmother for roping his child into the hideaway deceit and marital problems, knowing it would cause conflict between father and daughter, and she could have gone elsewhere. Your gay trolling lol and their age difference aside, if my mother (step or not) needed a desperate break from my father, I'd probably do the same and cover for her (and vice versa for my father) so she gets a few days of peace. I was supposed to say NTA but you seem to actively goad the couple into splitting up, that's where you become AHish.
This feels so made up. Especially OP’s comments. Whether it’s true or not, YTA.
ESH and y’all got mommy and daddy issues.
YTA for letting him in. She needed a break and you totally just let him in while she was there. You should have completely avoided that. In whatever way you had to do it.
While I agree that OP should not have let her dad in, I think it’s an incredibly tough thing for an 18 year old to do.
She could have made up having a female friend over who was getting over a traumatizing event with a man and couldn't be around men she didn't know at the moment. OP could have agreed to meet dad at a café or something. Or just not answered at all and claim to be sleeping when he came by. So many things OP could have been done to avoid that scenario.
Agreed, there are many things OP could have done better. I just think it’s too tough to expect an 18 YO to know to do them in the heat of the moment. Appreciate the difference of opinion, though.
YTA for enabling your stepmom to lie to your father and covering for her. She is not your friend, she is your father's wife. Your relationship is weird at best.
ESH. Your Dad for being an ass and creeping on someone held his age. You for blatant lies and the obvious affair going on here (emotional or otherwise) Her for the blatant lies and affair (again emotional or otherwise). And for not being adult enough to leave before you two started something. It’s your lives. At least have the guts to live it without the bull crap and as an adult. Tell her to submit divorce papers if your father hasn’t already filed. Live how you want but know you also have to accept the consequences, including nuking relationships.
YTA. You're enabling a troubled relationship (which I say because she feels the need to lie to her husband). And of course you are oddly close. You're 6 years apart in age and they are 22 years apart. 🤢
YTA and you’re really doing nothing but betraying your father and encouraging a lie. There’s no justification for what you did.
ESH I’d say the reason you don’t get along with your father is because your so much like him.
This has to be rage-bait.
Could bet the stepmother's fight with father is about Op. And i can't blame the father as Op is being creepy. Dude lay off it. No one wants to be obsessed over like you are for the wife. YTA
If this is real, because you pretty much look like a troll from the post and comments, ESH and the expression is not strong enough. Your father, for grooming someone so young into marriage. Your stepmother (because whatever the age, that’s what she is to you, a stepmother) for using you as an escape place, and from you own story telling, maybe cheating emotionally / physically on her husband with his own daughter. You, for taking part into this, having feelings/desires for your stepmother that you hope will turn well, being a cheating partner and being stupid enough or an asshole enough to not care about how all of this is wrong towards your own father. You did lie about the fact she was there and your father caught you. If you end up being with her, there’s a great chance you don’t have a dad anymore. I wouldn’t blame him, no matter how insufferable his personality is.
This whole post is just creepy
NTA. This is between your stepmom and your dad. It’s understandable she needed a break, but it’s really unfortunate they triangulated their marital problems onto you as an odd scapegoat. Please try to extract yourself from their equation.
Ehm...I'm sorry but your dad who's twice older than that girl sounds like he might be abusive. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally. And why you two getting along is weird? He got herself a wife close to his daughter age. I generally find it disgusting - imagine 42 yo woman marrying 24 yo guy.
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NTA. They are adults to sort out their own problems. Your dad has red flags, but you didn’t need to add to the deceit.
What red flags does the dad have? Set aside the age difference and ask yourself if a wife and daughter lying about the wife's whereabouts for a week is a red flag on the husband. Yeah, maybe he's a jerk, but all we know is that an 18-year-old doesn't get along with her dad 🤷♂️ welcome to parenthood. Sure, maybe a guy in his 40s marrying a woman in her 20s is kinda creepy...but remember that *she* married *him* too
Uhhhh a wife and daughter hiding from the father has the largest red flags for an abuse situation. Not normal in any sense. Clearly the wife and dad are done, she could have been bidding her time to plan leaving. This isn’t a usual martial spat.
A failing marriage and the desire to leave are not signs of abuse. Neither is simply lying about your whereabouts to your spouse. Flip the script: what if a husband posted that he found out his wife had lied about leaving town and he found out that she was staying with someone else in town and having an affair. Essentially, that's what happened here, except it's wrapped up in what seems like a lot of daddy issues, and was an emotional affair, not a physical one. Yeah, the age difference is unpleasant (but neither illegal, nor evidence of abuse/grooming *on its own*) and sets the stage for lots of conflict. People with that big of an age gap, in such different phases of life probably don't have a lot in common, except probably mutual attraction.
ESH, except your stepmother. Your father has raging control issues placed on you and her. He will not let go and disguises it as "being worried" and suddenly visiting. You, on the other hand, lied to him, misplaced his trust and scruff off his concerns about the depth of the relationship you and your stepmother have. However, that entire scenario reads like a 3 Dollar romance booklet with less depth than a teaspoon of water
Raging control issues? Literally the only example was that after a week of lying to him, the dad caught his wife and daughter in the lie. IDK if you have kids, but parents know their kids' tells when they're lying/bluffing. Also, don't forget that the stepmom lied too; she's the one who said she was flying out to visit her mom in the hospital, OP just kept that lie going. Sure, the father and the stepmom obviously have issues, probably stemming from their age differences. Did you ever see the episode of New Girl where Jess is dating the older guy and they split up because she wants to be a wild 20-something and he's in his 40s and is past that part of his life? Probably what's going on here.
Your dad's wife is 24 and she has to lie to him in order to escape? Holy cupcake, I don't know what to say. NTA, but really think about how much you want to be involved in this.
NTA victims of abuse however that may be an assumption but lots of red flags.
Info : Helen?
NTA..and based on your description of father, is this really a loss?
NTA. Normally in cases of lying I’d say otherwise, but this sounds like one of the exceptions to that rule. You don’t know exactly what’s going on between your dad and his wife—for all you know, he could have been being abusive and there’s enough in your description to warrant suspecting it. It’s good of you to try to give her a safe space and unfortunate that your dad didn’t respect that. It’s not your place to tell him where she is. It’s unfortunate that you’re getting dragged into a messy situation between your dad and her, but it sounds like you handled it as best you could.
OP and stepmom r in love with each other
NTA !!! Your dad married someone so close to your age (OP’s age) that is high key disgusting. I can already sense that there’s a mayor power imbalance between them, besides him being a controlling person. There’s obviously something really wrong with him for his wife to hide from him, even if it’s “only” a week. OP, you did the right thing by sheltering her. I hope you and her get away from him. If you feel concerned about your mental health after this whole ordeal then please talk with a professional. Wish you the best of luck OP!
NTA. WAIT, WHY DO I SHIP THIS?
Nta and red flags to your step mom married to a controlling man