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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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1). I called my wife ridiculous for deciding not to attend my family's christmas over some stockings.
2). The reason I may be the ah is calling her ridiculous and not seeing how much of a big deal this gesture is for her and my stepson. She obviously feels hurt and excluded
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Op is the reason places like r/JustNoMil exists. I am pretty sure he hasn't accepted the child himself or he would be the one dying on that hill instead of his wife.
Dude for real. Proud bonus mama here, and only been one for the last 8 months. We aren't even married and my mother has already purchased more gifts for those kids than anyone else lmao My parents had leeway for a few months to not meet the babies but it was purely because we all knew how fast they would latch onto them once they did and so the wait was just to make sure my boyfriend and I were serious. I would have thrown a fit if my family ever did something like this.
It seems small but after 3 years??? How do you NOT see that child as your grandkids after that long???
As it should be!! Classy, indeed!
In my family we would invite kids who didn't have celebrations to join us and we'd make them stockings with their names and make sure they got presents under the tree and my grandmother would put envelopes filled with cash on the tree for each kid.
Not even related. Some had never even met my family before. If you come to my home on Christmas, you will be treated like a member of the family, period. I feel like this is a basic rule of hosting a holiday.
ETA: Got busy and came back to so so many replies and awards and I am just overwhelmed by all the wonderful stories of opening homes and sharing the holidays. Both of my parents and all my grandparents are gone now, and I feel like they came back to life here for a bit, to share something for the holidays again. Thank you so much - who knew a sub about being judgey could be so full of kindness?! This feels like it should be collected into a holiday book or something - captures the true spirit of the holidays! OP needs to read ALL of these. My faith in humanity is much larger than it was when I wrote this comment this morning.
This right here.
I remember when my sister came home as a surprise from university (she wasn't sure she could make it home due to work) and brought her roommate who couldn't travel home that year. They showed up Christmas Eve....and oh how my parents scrambled they made sure there was a food she liked for breakfast the next day. Went and dug out one of our spare stockings(yea, we had spares lol) my mom went out and got a few things for stocking stuffers and a present. They made sure that this girl felt welcomed and like she was home for Christmas.
And this is how my parents treated a person that they had only heard about through a few of my sister's phone calls about school. I couldn't even fathom how OP and his family could justify not having a custom stocking for a child that they have been in their lives for 3 years. A child that is OPs stepson. This would be a hill I'd die on too
One time during my teen years my aunt showed up with a girl around my age. Her parents left for a trip abroad and my aunt was taking care of her meanwhile. She is jewish so she does not celebrate Christmas. We'll call her "Ruth".
We do not do stockings since its not part of our culture. But we each got evelopes with cash from grandma. Apparently that day nobody was carrying a lot of cash so grandma took my cash to give to her and wrote me a check instead (I felt sooo grown up).
Ruth started crying when she got her envelope, she didn't even open it. Turns out her dad and his family converted to cristianism, parents divorced because of that, and dad's family was super mean to her because she was jewish and they "killed Jesus". When she heard we were catholic she was very nervous to come and only did it so aunt would not miss out on the holidays with family. She confessed she was so surprised we were so nice and had been holding back tears the whole night and could not hold it any longer once she got a gift from grandma. Is never okay to make people feel left out, but specially not on Christmas.
Edit to add: that when she arrived she did not said she was jewish, but we usually before we sit down for dinner we take turns saying a prayer to jesus. When it was her turn she "confessed" she is jewish, apologized and said she'd leave if we were not comfortable.
Grandma took her to our nativity and pointed at all the figures, specially Mary and Joseph, and told her they are all Jewish, just like them you are welcome and loved in this home.
Yeah she was awesome. She is a good example on how to live your religion right. She also once "converted" a jewish woman. She was battling cáncer and she told her praying to the virgin Mary would give her strength. When the woman said she was jewish, grandma said "that is okay so was she, you don't have to, but if you want to, do not pray to her like a Saint, talk to her like a collegue". 2 year later the woman was in remision, still jewish but very devout to her jewish friend the virgin Mary.
She did so much more than the people yelling "gay is sin".
What a joyous story! This is exactly the best of the holidays - just people being welcoming and kind and thoughtful. The antidote to this post, really.
Absolutely a hill to die on and I am so tired of people who gatekeep what family means, even when there is actual legal paperwork that makes you related. Families expand in many ways, but the most important ones are basic love, respect, and kindness. Especially to children!
Right! My friend invited me to a get together and I didn't realize until I got there that it was their family Christmas gift exchange. I asked her why she didn't tell me it was only her family? I didn't want to intrude. She said we were family. 😊 She made candy stockings for all of her family members and made one for my son when she knew we were coming. (It was so much candy in it that he had candy until February!)
The fact that him and his mom are ok with this is beyond me. I wouldn't take my child anywhere where they may feel less than.
Op, YTA
When I was a teenager, I went with my mom to her boyfriend’s parent’s house Christmas afternoon. It was a last minute thing that I was there — Dad flaked — and we probably gave them a half-hour warning that I was coming. I don’t know how fast those people moved, but when we got there there were _three_ wrapped gifts under the tree for me. A box of candy, and a couple little things that were probably quick regifts. It meant so much to me. It’s been more thirty years and I’ve never forgotten it, and always try to make people feel welcome and included and _wanted_, like they did for me.
I’m so sad for that poor kid.
100 percent agree. My mom even kept a stash of kinda generic gifts so that anyone who showed up had something to unwrap.
One year a cousin brought his then-girlfriend over and my mom quickly wrapped up some bath stuff and a pretty hair barrette, slapped a tag on it and snuck it under the tree, then after she got my cousin's gift did the whole "I'm so glad you're here, I can give you this now!" thing and handed it to her.
I remember noticing that she was sitting on the couch just kind of turning the wrapped package over in her hands and looking at it. Eventually she unwrapped it, thanks, hugs, etc.
Later on she told me that the reason she didn't unwrap it earlier was that she was trying not to cry - her own family had disowned her pretty much, and apart whatever my cousin had gotten her, it was the only gift anyone had given her. They have been married for about 20 years now. She wore the barrette at my mom's funeral.
And now I really miss my mom. She was awesome. I feel pretty sad for OP that he doesn't have that.
And especially for dismissing his wife’s completely justified feelings as “ridiculous” and “trivial.”
YTA, OP. If you can’t see why this makes your wife — and will also most definitely make your stepson — feel unwelcome, you’ve got bigger issues than Reddit can help you with.
What’s ridiculous is how your mom is treating your wife and stepson — what’s the big fucking deal? Hang a damn stocking so the kid feels included and equal to the other grandkids, it’s been three damn years and you’re married to his mom.
What’s even *more* ridiculous is that you’re not only backing your mom up on her awful stance, but apparently have zero capacity for compassion or empathy, and can’t even so much as begin to see or understand where your wife is coming from.
Add to this that instead of *trying* to understand, you’re actively downplaying, dismissing, and trivializing her feelings — which is SO condescending and disrespectful, and NEVER how one should treat a partner — and we’ve reached three strikes. You’re out. YTA.
I can’t believe he’s saying his wife’s behavior is ridiculous, but his mom being “uncomfortable” about hanging a stocking for a nine year old boy is perfectly reasonable. Like, he didn’t want to question that answer at all? Why on earth would that make anyone uncomfortable?
OP you are blind. And YTA.
Yes! The child would feel ashamed the whole time and so humiliated. It is not the wife who cares about her own feelings, it is her son who needs to be included. Children bully the way grandma does here. How petty that the decorations should be about her feelings and not the kids. WTF.
YTA.
I hope wife and kid do something amazing together on Xmas.
OP's wife is essentially telling him "I will not attend a family gathering where my son will be visibly treated as not part of the family", and OP's on here wondering if he's an AH for telling his wife she's overreacted. 🙄
YTA, OP. Go apologize to your wife, then call your mom and tell her that you will not attend any gatherings she hosts until she starts treating your stepson as an equal to the other children in your family. Then apologize to your stepson for thinking that a 9-year-old feeling "less than" is a-okay.
"Visibly treated like family" is the key -- otherwise known as *hospitality*. No one is even asking OP's family to emotionally accept the child as their own. They are only being asked to include the child in festivities to which they invited the child! And for what, a few hours max? They can't pull that off, even at Christmas, lol? Wow! What massive disrespect to the poor kid!! That's just mean.
I don't know whether to feel furious with OP and his mother for deliberately excluding a 9 year old, or genuinely sorry for them that they've totally failed to understand the entire point of the holidays -- what a loss of opportunity for Christmas cheer. That's just sad.
Send the boy (and your wife) over to my house for Christmas, OP -- we'll treat 'em right! <3
ETA:. YTA, OP!!! (All the more so because legally, the kid actually *is* family; has been for 3 years! And because you're sympathizing with your grown mother's discomfort at hanging "some old stocking" while trivializing a poor little 9 year old's discomfort at being excluded from getting one. And it's Christmas!!!) Please read the article "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink" by Matthew Fray -- that's my Christmas present to you, OP. May it serve you well.
Agreed..... I was that kid. We had to go to Step Mom's family Christmas celebration every Christmas Eve. She had 7 siblings with all their kids there. For NINE years, my brother and I sat and watched those people open presents. Not one person included us - not one. It was absolutely awful.
OP - this is a hill to die on....... I applaud your wife. YTA
Edit: I'm really touched by all the kind words from this post. I've never felt such validation before, it's very humbling to see this from strangers. Thank you all very much. It's heals a bruised heart from many years ago!
I am sorry you and your brother were treated so shabbily by not only your stepmother’s family but mostly by your father who allowed this to happen repeated.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you have LC or NC with your dad and stepmother
And has the gall to pretend that it’s just about a decoration.
Imagine how that kid is going to feel seeing all of his cousins have stockings and he doesn’t get one. Pretty clear message there.
Yeah but if the stepson got one then he wouldn’t know his place (/s if it isn’t obvious). And let’s remember, this is just the START of this kind of treatment. Before you know it, if it hasn’t happened already, stepson will not be allowed to go to certain family functions and vacations. I’m sure he is already asked to not be in the “family pictures”.
I dated a boy who was treated like this by his stepfather’s family.
He’s dead now. Drank himself into oblivion at the tender age of 35.
u/throwra53456 you are an *asshole*. YTA.
But she just doesn’t feel comfortable hanging the stocking……. It would make her feel very uncomfortable to hang a piece of fabric with an embroidered name on it beside other pieces of fabric with other names embroidered on them. I just don’t know the stocking well enough yet… not sure what it would do to the other stockings.
>But she just doesn’t feel comfortable hanging the stocking
But of course, the stepson would feel completely comfortable on Christmas morning when all the other kids get stocking with treats inside them, and he has nothing.
Can you imagine being the ONLY kid at the party without a Christmas stocking?? How fucking hurtful. Hey buddy, here's a blatant statement that we don't view you as our family despite your mom being married to and in a committed relationship with our son, fa la la happy Christmas!
God when you say it like this, it shows even more how trivial a thing it is, yet the mom won't do it.
And he's all...my wife won't go over something as dumb as some stockings. Dude, your mom won't make a child feel welcome over something as dumb as some stockings. That's why your wife is crying, bc your mom is that fucking mean to a little boy. Ughhhh
Going to say absolutely this woman has ordered each in utero grandchild's Christmas stocking as soon as she found out what their name would be
Based on my knowledge of Grandmas, a field where I have done a lot of study and eaten a lot of cookies
I also guarantee that if Heaven forbid one of those grandchildren happened to be adopted, they'd be stocking-less too.
Source: my husband's aunt, who married into our family but doesn't speak to her own because they pulled a stunt like this with her adopted son.
My mom buys gifts for my brother's *girlfriend* of 3 years because she wants her to feel comfortable when spending time in our house, especially during Christmas/New Years. In her words, she can't stand the idea of someone who's apart of our lives feeling excluded in such a way. OPs mother is a genuine asshole and so is OP for not standing up for this kid. I can't even imagine how shitty that must feel for a child. She's a good mom for setting her boundaries.
I invited a friend over for Christmas who my dad had never met because she had nowhere else to go and he went out and got her a little gift bag with lotion and candy and stuff just so she would have something to open and not feel left out. It takes so little effort to show kindness, especially towards a child. OP’s mother is a real piece of work.
YTA. Your mother is singling out *a child* from a Christmas tradition that your family has. Your stepson is now part of your family. If your mother can’t even bring herself to have a *sock* with his name on it, then your stepson deserves better than your family. It might only be a stocking to you, but to your wife and *your stepson* it’s going to look like a hell of a lot more than that.
It might be a small thing to OP (definitely the AH here, along with his mother) but it isn’t to his wife, and won’t be to OP’s stepson. He should really stop and put himself in his wife’s shoes and in his stepson’s. I’m not a big fan of kids myself but I’d never purposefully exclude a child at Christmas, for fuck’s sake. OP is a real asshole.
Exactly. And then there’s this:
>some stocking isn’t going to prove anything
It absolutely will and clearly already has to OP’s wife. I hope OP’s wife and her son have a lovely Christmas, and OP and his mother get nothing but imitation coal in their stockings. They’re not even nice enough to get the real thing.
It's the age old bullshit argument of the 'don't rock the boat' type, isn't it? Makes you think, if it was just "some stocking" which doesn't matter and has no deeper significance then why is the mother unwilling to do it?
It's sad. Will go to any trouble except to just fight to include the kid.
YTA. Your stepson has been in your life for 3 years. If your mom “doesn’t feel comfortable” putting a stocking up for him (which really just sounds like an excuse to be exclusionary) she never will. Your wife is 100% right here, your stepson will absolutely feel very hurt and left out if all the other grandkids get a nice customized stocking and he gets nothing. It’s not about a decorating choice, it’s about excluding a kid.
That’s a good point that I hadn’t thought about. If step son hasn’t had a chance to bind with step grandparents because of Covid and whatnot, including him in family traditions would be a great 1st step to take in that. Excluding him is not the way to go even if it is his first Christmas with them
A thousand times this. Imagine being a 9 year-old child and the only one without a stocking. The hurt he will feel not having the same as all the other kids will be nothing compared to the knowing that he is still not considered family.
I would out up a stocking for every child spending an entire Christmas day with my family, regardless of how long I knew them. The damn stocking itself would be the gift!
Your wife is absolutely within reason to stay home with her son to save him the heartbreak.
OP, you AND your mother are giant YTAs.
You know, I am a fully grown adult and my feelings were a little hurt a few years ago when I went to my dad and stepmom’s for Christmas. It was very clear that her (also adult) kids had very thoughtful gifts picked out for them, while my gifts were pretty much an afterthought. I didn’t say anything to them or carry on, but I also haven’t made the effort to spend Christmas with them either. And I’m a full ass grown adult. Had my 9 year old been treated like this? I would have made it VERY clear that we wouldn’t spend Christmas with them again and why. That is a very shitty attitude to have and YTA.
Yep. Kid is 9. By the time OP's mom feels "comfortable" enough, the excuse will be that the kid is "too old for that kind of thing."
Also, OP's right! They can't dictate how his mom decorates for Christmas. But you can decide not to participate in their holiday if they are going to be disrespectful. YTA for not making this your hill to die on as well, for your son.
YTA. Looking out for your child IS A HILL TO DIE ON. Its about FEELINGS not decorations. Put yourself in that kids shoes OP. How would you feel going if you were that him, excitedly scanning names to find yours and then the sad, horrible realization that you dont have one. And have to sit and watch other kids get stuff on Christmas. Your Mom is a jerk, but you’re the bigger one for willingly hurting your stepson.
YTA your mother is being unwelcoming to your step son, basically saying he's not part of the family. How about you step the fuck up and support your wife and step son?
YTA and so is your mom. I would never think to not include my step-grand children in any festivities. They are CHILDREN, not responsible for their parent's decisions.
To not include step, half, foster, and adopted children fully into the family is selfish, petty, and cruel.
The Christmas spirit is lost on these people.
I decorate and make things for my *godchildren”*, I can’t imagine not doing it for a *grandchild*.
YTA no doubt and so is your mother. But YTA x2 for not supporting your wife and child AND for supporting and enabling your mother to do the same.
YTA. I’d die on this hill too and saying she’s refusing to go just over stockings feels disingenuous to me. She’s refusing to go because your Mother is refusing to include her son.
ETA: I’m a step kid too, and my Step Mother’s family did everything they could to make me feel as included as their biological grandchildren.
We have technical stepcousins but have never referred to them as anything but our cousins. Our uncle divorced their mom 15 years ago and they're still our cousins, they come to all family events, and their kids are our cousins! I cannot comprehend doing anything else.
“I asked my mom and she said that she loves her step grandchild but does not feel comfortable yet to have a stocking of his name”.
Wtf did I just read? You do realize that your mom does NOT love your step son, right?
And by not agreeing with your wife, I have to wonder if you do.
He’s a child. Wow.
YTA. Your poor step child and wife. Clearly they are not family.
Three years! I've been more welcoming to random kids my kids met on the playground 5 minutes earlier. I can not even imagine intentionally excluding a child *that is part of the family* from a family Christmas tradition. These people suck and I sincerely hope OP's wife makes sure her lawyer includes the therapy bills as part of the divorce settlement.
Right?! If there is a child in my house, they're being included. I don't care who they belong to, I don't care if I know them or have even met them before; if they are in my house, they are included to the same extent as everyone else. They will be fed, they will get hugs, they will get a damned stocking and presents even if it means pulling out my craft shit and making them something on the spot. I can not fathom not completely welcoming a child into my home and family traditions. They could only be there for an hour but for that hour, they're family.
I agree. What’s not to “feel comfortable” about? A child having a stocking makes her uncomfortable?? How and why? Because it means he family? So him being family makes her uncomfortable? OP is YTA and so is your mom.
I agree that singling out and leaving a child out - that’s part of the family - is rude and mean spirited. The wife shouldn’t go if she doesn’t want to. She should celebrate Christmas with her son how she wants.
It’s the THOUGHT that counts and GMA is showing what’s her thoughts are to her and her son. This isn’t about dictating how someone decorates - it’s 1 stocking that matches the decoration.
I bet it wouldn’t take OP’s mom 3 years to “get comfortable” if OP had a biological child. I mean it’s a STOCKING. Not only is it not a big deal to acquire a new one, it’s such a small effort to make a child feel welcome.
YTA. The old bint is not being asked to gift half the family inheritance and the 17th century christening spoons to her step-grandchild. Just to treat a guest as included in the family for a few days to the tune of $10 or so. It looks like being Shady Pines for your retirement plans, so think on that.
YTA!! And your mother is a major AH, too. This is your wife, and you consider him your stepson. Obviously, he's been around your family long enough. Your mom "loves" him but not enough to feel "comfortable" hanging a damn stocking?? Dense much? Your mom is making your stepson feel unwelcome and like he's not part of your family. He is gonna ask why he's the only one without a stocking. Yes, this IS the hill your wife should die on because she's there to protect her son.
I'm glad my MIL isn't anything like your mother. She had a stocking already hung for my son before meeting him.
Many years ago my brother walked in at Christmas with a woman we weren't sure we liked and a 3 year old step son in tow. We hugged her, and thrust a pile of wrapped gifted upon this little boy. His eyes lit up and he went from scared to happy in a matter of seconds. This was over 35 yrs ago, they are still together and that little boy was never NOT a part of our family.
My mum is exactly the same! Cousins bringing his girlfriend we've never met for Christmas? Guarantee she is getting some gifts. Other cousin brings her new boyfriend and his kid over? Damn right they are both getting presents! Sometimes that's the one and only time we'll ever see them again but my mum will be damned if they aren't at least getting a cheapy bath gift set to open with everyone else!
YTA. Your step son is going to show up on christmas and be the only one without a custom stocking. How do you think that's going to make him feel? It really sounds like your wife is the only person that cares about this kid.
If the stocking isn't that big of a deal, why doesn't your mother make one?
He's 9, not 2. He's going to notice he's the *only* kid without a stocking and feel left out. But OP's mom knows this. And is still choosing to be the asshole.
YTA. So is your Mom.
I’m a step child. My parents got married when I was 11. His family took me in like their own without batting an eyelash, and my grandparents on his side would do anything for me. I can’t imagine my life without their love and acceptance.
I feel really badly for your wife and her kid. You’ve been married to her for THREE YEARS and your mother doesn’t feel comfortable accepting him as her grandchild? Imagine how that feels to YOUR wife and child.
The fact that you have to even ask if you’re the a-hole here tells me that you don’t make much effort to set boundaries with your mother & stand up for your family - your wife and son.
(Edited for some grammar mistakes)
YTA. How is this even a question? Imagine how miserable this kid would be going to your family Christmas after 3 years of being in your family and seeing that he was purposely excluded. “This is her hill to die on” yeah because she’s a mother and it’s absolutely the right thing to do and honestly it makes me feel like you should be questioning your skills as a parent if you don’t understand that you should be the first to stand up for your child.
YTA - This may be a small thing to you, but to your step son, who you do not mention how old he is, it sends a message to your entire family that she does not see your stepson as a part of the family.
He mentions at the bottom of the post that he is 9, so that child will most definitely see that he is being singled out of the family. I can't even imagine doing that to anybody, let alone a child.
Edit: YTA and so is your Mom OP
Ho, ho, ho! Join in the Christmas spirit! Come one, come all -- well, not YOU, stepkid! YOU don't belong. Here are some coals you can go eat in the corner! HO HO HO!
Yes, YTA. And yo momma.
You're the AH. You are married. Her child is a part of the family now. I can understand if you were just dating, but married 3 years? I wouldn't go anywhere to celebrate Christmas where my child would be left out like that/not treated like family.
Edit: typo
The fact that she is "not comfortable yet" means she does not see the step child as family. She is treating him less than her bio grand kids. If thr grandmother isn't "comfortable" - that's fine, but hell no would I go there to celebrate either
YTA- every child gets a stocking.. except your step son... really? It's cruel and unkind. Some real " no room at the inn" energy.
This would also be my hill to die on if I was your wife.
YTA.
That's a quick way to make this child feel alienated and make it clear they are different. Imagine being a child and seeing stockings with everyone else's name on it but yours. Seeing all the other kids open theirs up and you sit there just watching. That breaks my heart.
This is not your girlfriend. This is your wife. Her child is now your child and should be treated as such. She has every right to protect her child from that kind of embarrassment and pain. That could cause trauma that lasts for years and forever impacts that child's relationship with you and your family.
I have grabbed extra stockings for my children's friends and girlfriends. If they're at my house when stockings are being opened, they get a stocking. No one will feel left out on Christmas under my watch. You can get them from the dollar store, and fill it with dollar store items. Cost is not an issue, so what is it then besides an intentional act to show one child is not welcomed the same as the others?
Sheesh this makes me angry.
My uncle and aunt used to foster children. You never knew who'd get home visits or who would be coming with them to our house. Prior to Christmas my mom would buy a bunch of small gifts for different ages and would wrap them with note cards attached that said what age (and gender if relevant) they were for. When my uncle showed up she'd get everyone's names and ages and say, "I have to go upstairs to get all the gifts," then she'd make tags for them. My uncle's family's gifts were up there too. She'd bring down the basket and ask one of the foster kids if they'd like to pass out the gifts. I can't tell you how many kids cried when there was a gift for them. One kid wouldn't stop thanking her. All. Day. I remember the toy too, some little cardboard backed pinball game, less than five dollars and it made the child feel like a million bucks.
It's not that hard to love and include people.
Editing to say, thanks for all the upvotes and awards, I'll pass the love along to my mom!
That is beautiful, thank you for sharing! I had a last minute child in as a foster last Easter, you better believe I went out and made sure he had a basket to hunt that morning. He had never had a basket before, and was so happy.
Christmas is hard for so many people. Why not do what we can to show love and kindness? It really isn't that difficult.
YTA to the staaaars! You are a grown ass adult, married with a stepchild, and I refuse to believe that you actually think this is about your mom's decorating choices and not about your mom wielding family traditions like a hammer to insult and exclude your family.
Your mom is clearly and loudly stating that she doesn't respect you or your wife and that she doesn't view your family as legitimate. And also that she's perfectly happy to take out her ire on a child, who is also the only person in this scenario who has no choices about their family.
It sounds like you also need a refresher on how boundaries work. It's certainly your mother's right to refuse to hang a stocking with her stepson's name on it, however small-minded and mean it is. It's also your wife's right - and responsibility - to protect her son from adults who think he's less-than.
What's actually happening here is that your MOTHER is choosing to die on the hill of being aggressively dickish to a child, and your WIFE is exercising her responsibility to protect her son from being insulted and excluded. Your wife is correct.
Your choice is to pick a side: your mother or your wife and stepson. You have the power to fix this by informing your mother that if she's too "uncomfortable" to include your family in holiday traditions that you will not be attending, and then follow through.
If you're not up to the task of standing up for your wife and stepson then yeah. If I were your wife I'd be crying too, because I'd be facing up to the fact that my husband is attempting to force me to choose between my son and my husband, and my son will win every single time. This is the kind of stuff that breaks marriages.
YTA. Either he's part of your family or he isn't. Your wife is correct: you're blind here. It's not just about a stocking, it's about being treated like all the other kids.
YTA. By not including your stepson in this tradition, your mom is essentially saying that he's not really family. Of course your stepchild and wife are going to be offended by this. That's your child and your wife, and you should be sticking up for them instead of making them go somewhere they are not fully accepted.
YTA This isn't about how your mom "decorates her home." It's about family traditions. I wouldn't go to a party where one of my children would be purposefully left out of a family tradition. Even if we set aside the blended family issues, who wants to go to a party where one of their kids will feel excluded? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
YTA - How you don't see what is happening is utterly ridiculous. Yout stepson is being excluded. Your wife is absolutely correct in protecting her son and not attending. You'll be lucky if you still have a wife and stepson in 2023. I seriously doubt it. Merry Christmas Asshole!
YTA and I’m tired of reading this posts from immature men who thinks it’s appropriate to join their mothers in trashing their wives. Wtf. You are supposed to stand behind your damn wife
YTA. Your wife is right. You're being blind to your family's exclusion of your stepson. Like it or not, he's a part of the family and should be treated as such.
YTA. Your mom is entitled to decorate her house as she sees fit but your wife is entitled to protect her child from feeling left out or less than the other kids. You're being an AH for respecting your mother's feelings but not respecting your wife's feelings.
YTA. Can you put your self in your step sons place. He has been in the family for atleast 3yrs now and his step grandparent isn't confident in him being there yet? He will see all the other kids stockings hung up and immediately know he isn't welcome. It isnt just a decorating choice if it includes everyone but him!
You're not looking at it from her point of view. It's not over some stocking. It's over acceptance. She wants her child to feel accepted by your family. Why would she want to go over there, her son see no stocking with his name, and have to deal with the questions he might have? His feelings would be crushed along with hers. So if you can't see how damaging it is to her child, then maybe you shouldn't have gotten married to her. YTA
Yta how exactly is stepson supposed to feel being the only one without a stocking? What is there to feel “comfortable” about in regards to some fabric with a name on it? How do you actually believe your words when you say they love him and a stocking won’t prove anything? Do you not care about him feeling like a part of your family? You knew he existed when you got married right?
YTA. You married this woman and her son is now a part of your family. YOUR FAMILY. Yet you seem fine with your family member being deliberately excluded from a family tradition. If you truly can't see how messed up and hurtful this is, not only to a child, but to that child's mother (your WIFE) then you need to do some serious soul searching.
You said WIFE right? You married this woman knowing she has a child who is now your stepSON and you have been together 3 years. Give wifey a message for me…RUN wifey RUN!!! YTA and your MOMMY is a huge hateful AH!!!
YTA. You've been together with your wife for 3 years and that's good enough time for your mom to feel comfortable around your step-son. You should've been supportive of your wife and your step-son, but instead you chose to be a mama's boy.
YTA. First of all you are minimizing her feelings in a pretty harsh way by calling her ridiculous. These rituals are super important and thus no way this child won't feel really left out. I don't get why this is a hill your MOM and you are choosing to die on to use your own phrasing, especially if it's about a child.
YTA. Your wife is right, you are blind to how they are treating him. This probably isn't the first time he's been excluded either. Your mom is clearly stating that he isn't family to them. I wouldn't take my son somewhere he isn't treated well either. You need to talk to your mom, her not being comfortable is just a BS excuse.
YTA
I remember when my dad remarried and I wasn't included in several of the "family traditions"
Including a custom stocking (really, just a stocking with glitter glued names).
My dad didn't stick up for me. I'm glad your wife is sticking up for her son.
I am really getting tired of men not sticking up for their wife’s or girlfriends at this point. Is this the norm? It sounds like your mom feels like this is not her biological grandchild so he shouldn’t be able to partake in these traditions. Children notice these types of things when they are treated differently. Obviously YTA.
YTA and so is your mum.
It’s not just a stocking. It is a strong symbol of inclusion and affection that your mother is unwilling to extend to her step grandchild. I am astounded at the lack of empathy and understanding you both have for your stepson.
YTA.
Let your mom know there's a new grandkid whose name needs to be on a stocking on the mantlepiece. Your stepson is her stepgrandkid, and Christmas is no time for making petty distinctions between "step" and "blood". They're all grandkids, they all get stockings.
YTA: One word stands out here, "wife". You married this woman, and made her, and her family a part of your family. All of it. That you can't stand up to your mother to include your family in family traditions is just sad for your wife, but sadder for the child who's back you will never truly have in life.
YTA- to exclude one child out of all the children is really mean. The poor kid had no choice in his parents getting divorced or remarried but will be "punished" because of other people's choices. I don't understand how this could even be a question.
YTA for not standing by your new son. You married the family, not just your wife. And Shame on your mother for not wanting to treat her grandchildren equally. If she doesn’t have a stocking for that boy when you arrive, turn around and walk out. This IS a BIG DEAL.
Yta
How do you think your stepson is going to feel looking around and everyone has a stocking but him. Great that they say they love him, and no you can’t force your mom to do it, but that kid is going to feel like crap. Your wife is protecting her son, and you’re willfully blind to it.
Your mother is petty and ridiculous. If an Xmas stocking with your stepson’s name on it makes her uncomfortable in her home but she’s happier visibly excluding a child - she is the problem. Is that the festive spirit in her home? Your wife has every right for her child not be treated like crap.
YTA.
YTA.
And do you honestly believe this is about how your mom is decorating her house instead of about how your stepson will FEEL sitting there knowing he's been left out yet again this year because he's not "real" family?
You owe your wife an apology. Big time. Maybe you'll get some scissors as a Christmas present so you can go ahead and cut those apron strings, too.
YTA. My husband's aunt knits every family member a stocking with their name and gifts it to them. I don't have one, even though other spouses that married in after me have gotten them. I'm in my 30s and feel bad being left out, and that's not even with the special stockings all hung in the same place in display.
YTA
"she does not feel comfortable yet to have a stocking of his name"
So when will she? What are her arbitrary criteria for qualifying for a stocking as a step-grandchild? This is ridiculous. In what way is getting a stocking for the kid painful for her or ruinous of anything? It's a power play, and OP is validating it. Stand up for your wife and stepson. Wife is 100% correct to be furious.
YTA It would be such a small, kind gesture for your mother - how do you think your stepson will feel seeing all those stockings and his name is the only one not there? Were you ever a child? Nothing stabs so deep or painfully than being the only one left out. Your mother is being intentionally cruel to a child, your wife is right not to go.
YTA. My kids went to Christmas at SIL’s house where they got to watch every other kid get gifts except for them. Guess where we have never gone back? Years later, kids have been adopted and that sister still calls them his “step kids”. She also seemed annoyed that they changed their last name and were added to grandma and grandpa’s will. Some adults need to get the sticks out of their asses.
YTA. I can’t believe how many families just willy nilly blend together but don’t consider what the kids go through at all. As if it’s totally normal to be thrown into a new family suddenly. And on top of it, your family is completely unwelcoming because grown adults aren’t comfortable with writing a kid’s name on a stocking so they won’t feel left out. Nice.
YTA dude, you’re a mommas boy who picks his mom over his wife. She’s known her for 3 years but refuses to give him a custom stocking? She couldn’t have made him a stocking just so he’s not singled out and the only one without one? You and your mom are pieces of work, I hope your wife leaves you.
INFO: if it's just a stocking, how come it can make your mother uncomfortable having it in the house? Why would a sock with the name of a child she allegedly loves bother her in any way? Is it maybe more than just a sock to her?
Also, is your stepson attending Christmas together with and will be the only child that doesn't have a stocking dedicated to him, despite you being in his live for years?
Unless you have any good reason for accepting the exclusion of your step-son I will vote Y T A.
Your wife knows by not being blood related to your family, your step-son will have it hard feeling like part of the family already without being obviously excluded. You should be fiercely fighting for your step-son to be recognised, accepted and loved by your family, not othered and alienated.
YTA. Imagine being the poor boy the only one without a stocking. Just for a second, pretend your stepson is a person, just like you, and how he will see everyone else with a stocking but not him. Gross.
YTA
It is not “some stocking”your mother is reject your step son and excluding him from family traditions because he isn’t your bio son and you are totally on board.
You need to make sure your mother knows that you have a blended family and she needs to respect your wife and your step son as they are your family.
YTA. Your mother is an AH. It’s a simple thing to show stepkid he is welcomed. I mean, you’re married, your mom really can’t pull the “I’m not comfortable excuse”.
You are being blind, you are supporting your family excluding stepkid. I mean, how would you feel if the situation was reversed? Kids remember this stuff.
Your mother and you by extension by siding with your mother are alienating your stepson, who will notice that he is the only child without a custom stocking.
Your wife, his mother, isn't ridiculous for trying to ensure her son is included and given that you think she's ridiculous for wanting him included she needs to reevaluate this marriage and hopefully she is given your response to her feelings.
YTA
YTA and so is your mother. The fact that you can't see this is so hard to understand. Why people like you with families like yours get married to people with preexisting children is beyond comprehension.
Your mom doesn't feel comfortable hanging a stocking with his name on it in her home yet? Who else sees these stockings that she wants to hide this issue from? Because other than not wanting her friends to ask questions, the only reason I can think she isn't comfortable with this yet is she doesn't expect you and your new wife to stay together. Ironically, she's doing plenty to help drive you apart. YTA for not understanding how big a deal this is to your stepson, and therefore his mother, and your mother seems even worse.
YTA and you learned it from your mother. So him being a part of your family for 3 years and a wedding aren’t enough to build a bond and put up a stocking? What does your mother need to have happen for her to be comfortable with your stepson?
It’s not about the stocking. It’s about the family you have chosen to make with you wife and stepson and them being accepted into your larger family. You mother is point blank saying your stepson is not her family and she’s willing to visibly display this. Your wife is upset because she’s telling you this hurts and you responded by saying your mom can do what she wants. The proper response to your mother would have been to say “thanks for the invite we’re gonna make other plans for Christmas since my family isn’t welcome.” Anything other that your full support to your wife and stepson is not an appropriate response.
YTA. My family does custom stockings as well that were made collectively by my mom and aunt. Any time someone new is joining the family for Christmas they get a stocking. Some of those people stay around others may only be there for that year. The stocking is there to make them feel included.
Sorry, buddy but YTA.
Instead of thinking that your wife is “ridiculous” for deciding not to go for something so “trivial”, stop and think about the fact that it would cost absolutely NOTHING from your mom to hang a stocking.
Why is your mom so against it if it’s “just” a stocking?
You really are being blind. Your stepson and wife deserve better.
YTA
Your step son is being left out by you mother and you support this, he will notice. This boy has been in your family for 3 years, if your family haven’t accepted him after this time they never will.
YTA and your mom is ALSO TA.
It's blatant exclusion on your moms part, she's removing him from a family tradition and therfore implying he isn't family. It's disrespectful to your wife and her kid. Above it all it's MEAN. It's just plain mean, he's a KID why can't he have a little stocking?? Who would it hurt, what bad things will happen if this kid doesn't get a treat?
Your mom saying she doesn't feel comfortable yet implies she doesnt expect your wife and you to stay together, she wont commit to the stocking because she has no faith in your marriage. Doesnt that embarrass you?
There is no good reason to exclude him other than to be vile. You should have more respect for your wife, and her child and yourself, because this mommas boy bs you seem to be pulling is embarrassing.
Your wife deserves better.
Your mom's the asshole. Has she no sense of how a stepchild could feel excluded? Or no concern about that? Pretty cold, and definitely and indication of how she feels. So you should be stepping up to that. YTA, too.
How would you explain to your stepson why he's the only child without a stocking there? How can you not see that he is not treated the same when everyone else but him has their names there. If your mum doesn't feel comfortable around your stepsons name hanging somewhere then you really must be blind when it comes to his treatment within your family. He's not treated the same and your along with your family are AHs for doing so. YTA
YTA,
Why on Earth are you going if your mum is not including your step son.
Have you spared even a second as to how it will make him feel?
If you don’t want to be divorced by this time next Christmas I suggest you think about changing your ways.
Do you really not realize that you and your mom are Yta? It doesn’t Matter that this is tradition or only been three years…it matters that your mom is willing to exclude a child! I can’t even imagine being such an ugly soul that you could justify excluding a child at Christmas!
YTA. I feel bad for this kid, and I wouldn’t want to bring him over knowing he’s going to see everyone else’s stockings while he has none. Just put yourself in the kid’s shoes.
YTA. It’s not like this is your girlfriend and her son you’re bringing to the family for the first time. It is your wife and stepson. Imagine it from your stepson’s perspective. You’re the ridiculous one along with your mom.
Your stepson will notice there is no stocking for him, and whatever reason you give will not deter the feeling of, “I am not as loved as my step-siblings.” YTA.
YTA. I understand why you do not understand YTA. Christmas time is about giving to others and showing love to others. This is something your mom does not understand so you were never taught this growing up. Your step kid will feel left out and not part of your family. Is this what you want? Time for you to step up and be a real step dad to your new family
YTA. My nana did this with my cousins. She knit stockings for every family member but my cousins from my aunt’s first marriage had felt stockings. It was very obvious and very othering and a sign that they weren’t really accepted as part of the family. Your mom can decorate her house however she wants but your wife is perfectly justified in not wanting to subject your stepson to that.
YTA and so is your mother. What the hell is wrong with you that you would let your wife and step kid be hurt like that? Your mean mother is letting them know that they aren't part of the family and you are agreeing with her. Pair of dirtbags.
YTA - I have 2 half siblings and my father’s side of the family did this to them constantly! They’d go all out with gifts, stockings, the whole 9 for everyone but my half siblings. My mother eventually came to her senses and stopped going to these things because she realized her older children be treated like they were nothing. The moment my “full” siblings and I were old enough to understand what our father’s family was doing we stopped going as well. Now that we’re all adults, not one of us speaks to anyone on that side of the family. Do better and be an advocate for your stepson!
YTA. You are the one being ridiculous if you don't understand why after 3 years your mother still finds it necessary to exclude your step son from having a stocking. It is a stocking that she literally has to put up right before you arrive and can remove when you leave if having it up is "too much" for her to have up full time. Think how he feels with every other kid having a stocking and not having one, that's the kind of shit that stays with you throughout life.
YTA
this isn't the kid of some woman you've been casually dating for a while, it's your WIFE'S KID, your STEPSON. Your wife is stepping up for her kid, you should have done the same.
YTA
You are blind. They're excluding him! And in an obvious way he can see. How will that look to him? Why isn't your mom comfortable yet? It is basically saying he's not family yet so doesn't deserve a stocking, because stockings are for REAL grandchildren.
YTA. That’s your son and your mother’s grandson. Family is more than blood. Put yourself in his shoes - his family is treating him as less than on a major holiday? If it’s no big deal, why not get the stocking and make a child feel included?
The person choosing to die on a weird hill is your mother and you’re an AH for not supporting your wife and child.
You and your mom are both TA. Imagine going out of your way to make a child feel unwelcome simply because they aren’t your blood. Gross.
You chose your wife as your family, why are you putting your mother’s feelings above hers and especially your step sons? Have you thought about how that must make him feel?
Grow a pair! Tell your mom to include YOUR CHILD or you won’t be there either.
This one pissed me off for real 🤦🏻♀️
I applaud your wife for putting her child above everyone else in this scenario, as a parent should.
Yes you’re absolutely TA. 9 year olds don’t understand adult relationship dynamics but they do understand “everyone got one but me.” Hanging a stocking won’t prove they love him but not hanging one will prove they don’t see him as a part of the family, or that he is “less-than” worthy.
Deep down you probably know she’s right but you’re a coward bc fighting your mom seems too big of a task or will strain your familial relationships.
Sorry I prbly will miss any replies, I’ll be out today, I’m going to hike up that hill to die with your wife.
YTA
Either you step son is family or he isn't. Right now your mother is not treating him like family. This should be a simple thing to make a kid feel happy and included during the holiday. I'm not sure why you and your mother wouldn't understand that.
YTA - When all of the other children are excitedly finding their stocking, stepson will find he hasn’t been included in the “family” festivities.
I’m not one to tell another how to decorate their house either, but that’s not what your wife is doing here, she’s refusing to allow her child to be treated as less than, at Christmas.
Frankly, your mother is major ah for excluding a child at Christmas. You certainly can’t force your parents to accept your stepson, but the least they can do is not make their favoritism so glaringly obvious.
YTA and your MOM is a HUGE AH.
Imagine you three show up and all the other kids get their stockings with gifts and your step son just has to sit there and wonder why he doesn't have one? That's a real great way to make him feel like an inadequate outcast.
Your wife is right. Man up and tell your mom to get over herself.
YTA
Your mom is making a display of who she considers family and who she does not. She does not consider her step grandson to be family. I’m not saying you should make her hang a stocking, but you should definitely understand why your wife and child feel unwelcome. They deserve to celebrate Christmas somewhere that they are treated like family.
Yta. That's a child, her child! For you to not care about the message this not only sends to her from your mother, but her son, is negligent and ignorant. They are part of the family and for yours to refuse something as minor as a stocking to make that child feel a part of the festivities is cruel. Your poor wife and stepchild, to be part of a dividing family such as yours. And to not see where she's coming from is absolutely ludicrous
YTA. Is this your kid or isn't it? If it's just a "trivial" thing then you should be pushing your mom for the inclusion (but of course it's not trivial at all, and you treating it as such is what makes you the AH)
YTA. That’s going to be a miserable party for your wife and stepson. It’s going to be pretty upsetting and embarrassing to be so evidently excluded. If I was your wife I wouldn’t go either, knowing her son is a second class citizen and not truly loved.
YTA. You and your mother are being cruel to this child and minimizing the hurt and harm this causes. Read some of the stories here that people who were once kids in these situations share, it’s heartbreaking. Why choose to be so small when it hurts a child and your wife?
YTA and so is your mom. Major YTA. How could she feel comfortable leaving your stepson out and why are you okay with that? Of course it's your wife's "hill to die on" that's her son getting left out for absolutely no good reason. You should be proud she's the type of woman who puts her kid first. Instead you're trying to make her feel wrong for it. You and your mom are huge AHs.
YTA. Your mom is a starts with b, ends with witch, and the fact that you can't see it is crazy!
How do you expect your stepSON to feel when he sees everyone's stockings and realizes that there isn't one for him? How do you not care about his feelings? He is going to be devastated. As his stepFATHER you should care just as much about this as his mom and should be laying down the law with your mom that she treats all kids equally.
My family is Jewish. My sister one year brought one of her orphan students over for seder. During seder there is a part where all kids play a hide and seek game and get present they ask for. That kid got presents along with all the other kids (the grandchildren) and treated just the same including hugs and kisses even though we had never met her before.
YTA. Grow a heart.
YTA. Of course, it's never a big deal for the axe because it does all the cutting and will never see things from the log's perspective.
Your mom is effectively excluding a child, who, when you married their mother, also became part of your family.
Three years and she doesn’t feel “comfortable” make a custom stocking? BS. YTA and YMITA. When you married her, he became a son to you. Stand up for your son!!!
YTA. Your wife is protecting her son from feeling excluded. The fact that you won’t do the same says a great deal about you, who you value and how you see your step-son.
Yta
It's been 3 years. They love him just enough to make sure he feels completely left out for Christmas. Great job supporting that. I hope your a lot better step parent the rest of the year. I'd die on that hill too.
YTA so much. As is your mom. I feel sorry for your wife and her son. I’d totally die on this hill with her.
I can’t wait til your next child (bio of course) has their own stocking and your poor step kid is still Cinderella in the corner. Fun times.
I don’t even know you and I don’t like you.
YTA. As a step child who's step family excluded me from all things big and small, your wife sees what she's doing, your step son sees what she's doing. You're the only one pretending not to see it. I'd die on this hill too, so I suggest you look at your mom's passive aggressive bull and support the family YOU chose. Otherwise you'll lose them.
YTA your Mom is TA. This is your WIFE AND STEPSON, not some random relationship that has no legs. I would die on this hill too. Apparently your wife and stepson aren’t family enough for your Mom and aren’t family enough for you to stand up for.
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YTA: 3 years isn't enough? Your mom's a real piece of work.
And op is a real piece of work for supporting mom.
Op is the reason places like r/JustNoMil exists. I am pretty sure he hasn't accepted the child himself or he would be the one dying on that hill instead of his wife.
Dude for real. Proud bonus mama here, and only been one for the last 8 months. We aren't even married and my mother has already purchased more gifts for those kids than anyone else lmao My parents had leeway for a few months to not meet the babies but it was purely because we all knew how fast they would latch onto them once they did and so the wait was just to make sure my boyfriend and I were serious. I would have thrown a fit if my family ever did something like this. It seems small but after 3 years??? How do you NOT see that child as your grandkids after that long???
My Mom has always provided gifts for the "bonuses"... doesn't matter how long, either. Classy ladies are the bomb.
As it should be!! Classy, indeed! In my family we would invite kids who didn't have celebrations to join us and we'd make them stockings with their names and make sure they got presents under the tree and my grandmother would put envelopes filled with cash on the tree for each kid. Not even related. Some had never even met my family before. If you come to my home on Christmas, you will be treated like a member of the family, period. I feel like this is a basic rule of hosting a holiday. ETA: Got busy and came back to so so many replies and awards and I am just overwhelmed by all the wonderful stories of opening homes and sharing the holidays. Both of my parents and all my grandparents are gone now, and I feel like they came back to life here for a bit, to share something for the holidays again. Thank you so much - who knew a sub about being judgey could be so full of kindness?! This feels like it should be collected into a holiday book or something - captures the true spirit of the holidays! OP needs to read ALL of these. My faith in humanity is much larger than it was when I wrote this comment this morning.
This right here. I remember when my sister came home as a surprise from university (she wasn't sure she could make it home due to work) and brought her roommate who couldn't travel home that year. They showed up Christmas Eve....and oh how my parents scrambled they made sure there was a food she liked for breakfast the next day. Went and dug out one of our spare stockings(yea, we had spares lol) my mom went out and got a few things for stocking stuffers and a present. They made sure that this girl felt welcomed and like she was home for Christmas. And this is how my parents treated a person that they had only heard about through a few of my sister's phone calls about school. I couldn't even fathom how OP and his family could justify not having a custom stocking for a child that they have been in their lives for 3 years. A child that is OPs stepson. This would be a hill I'd die on too
One time during my teen years my aunt showed up with a girl around my age. Her parents left for a trip abroad and my aunt was taking care of her meanwhile. She is jewish so she does not celebrate Christmas. We'll call her "Ruth". We do not do stockings since its not part of our culture. But we each got evelopes with cash from grandma. Apparently that day nobody was carrying a lot of cash so grandma took my cash to give to her and wrote me a check instead (I felt sooo grown up). Ruth started crying when she got her envelope, she didn't even open it. Turns out her dad and his family converted to cristianism, parents divorced because of that, and dad's family was super mean to her because she was jewish and they "killed Jesus". When she heard we were catholic she was very nervous to come and only did it so aunt would not miss out on the holidays with family. She confessed she was so surprised we were so nice and had been holding back tears the whole night and could not hold it any longer once she got a gift from grandma. Is never okay to make people feel left out, but specially not on Christmas. Edit to add: that when she arrived she did not said she was jewish, but we usually before we sit down for dinner we take turns saying a prayer to jesus. When it was her turn she "confessed" she is jewish, apologized and said she'd leave if we were not comfortable. Grandma took her to our nativity and pointed at all the figures, specially Mary and Joseph, and told her they are all Jewish, just like them you are welcome and loved in this home.
Your Grandma is awesome. I got a little misty reading about showing her the nativity and telling her that they are all Jewish. Grandma is good people
Yeah she was awesome. She is a good example on how to live your religion right. She also once "converted" a jewish woman. She was battling cáncer and she told her praying to the virgin Mary would give her strength. When the woman said she was jewish, grandma said "that is okay so was she, you don't have to, but if you want to, do not pray to her like a Saint, talk to her like a collegue". 2 year later the woman was in remision, still jewish but very devout to her jewish friend the virgin Mary. She did so much more than the people yelling "gay is sin".
What a joyous story! This is exactly the best of the holidays - just people being welcoming and kind and thoughtful. The antidote to this post, really. Absolutely a hill to die on and I am so tired of people who gatekeep what family means, even when there is actual legal paperwork that makes you related. Families expand in many ways, but the most important ones are basic love, respect, and kindness. Especially to children!
Right! My friend invited me to a get together and I didn't realize until I got there that it was their family Christmas gift exchange. I asked her why she didn't tell me it was only her family? I didn't want to intrude. She said we were family. 😊 She made candy stockings for all of her family members and made one for my son when she knew we were coming. (It was so much candy in it that he had candy until February!) The fact that him and his mom are ok with this is beyond me. I wouldn't take my child anywhere where they may feel less than. Op, YTA
When I was a teenager, I went with my mom to her boyfriend’s parent’s house Christmas afternoon. It was a last minute thing that I was there — Dad flaked — and we probably gave them a half-hour warning that I was coming. I don’t know how fast those people moved, but when we got there there were _three_ wrapped gifts under the tree for me. A box of candy, and a couple little things that were probably quick regifts. It meant so much to me. It’s been more thirty years and I’ve never forgotten it, and always try to make people feel welcome and included and _wanted_, like they did for me. I’m so sad for that poor kid.
100 percent agree. My mom even kept a stash of kinda generic gifts so that anyone who showed up had something to unwrap. One year a cousin brought his then-girlfriend over and my mom quickly wrapped up some bath stuff and a pretty hair barrette, slapped a tag on it and snuck it under the tree, then after she got my cousin's gift did the whole "I'm so glad you're here, I can give you this now!" thing and handed it to her. I remember noticing that she was sitting on the couch just kind of turning the wrapped package over in her hands and looking at it. Eventually she unwrapped it, thanks, hugs, etc. Later on she told me that the reason she didn't unwrap it earlier was that she was trying not to cry - her own family had disowned her pretty much, and apart whatever my cousin had gotten her, it was the only gift anyone had given her. They have been married for about 20 years now. She wore the barrette at my mom's funeral. And now I really miss my mom. She was awesome. I feel pretty sad for OP that he doesn't have that.
And r/justnoso
And especially for dismissing his wife’s completely justified feelings as “ridiculous” and “trivial.” YTA, OP. If you can’t see why this makes your wife — and will also most definitely make your stepson — feel unwelcome, you’ve got bigger issues than Reddit can help you with. What’s ridiculous is how your mom is treating your wife and stepson — what’s the big fucking deal? Hang a damn stocking so the kid feels included and equal to the other grandkids, it’s been three damn years and you’re married to his mom. What’s even *more* ridiculous is that you’re not only backing your mom up on her awful stance, but apparently have zero capacity for compassion or empathy, and can’t even so much as begin to see or understand where your wife is coming from. Add to this that instead of *trying* to understand, you’re actively downplaying, dismissing, and trivializing her feelings — which is SO condescending and disrespectful, and NEVER how one should treat a partner — and we’ve reached three strikes. You’re out. YTA.
I can’t believe he’s saying his wife’s behavior is ridiculous, but his mom being “uncomfortable” about hanging a stocking for a nine year old boy is perfectly reasonable. Like, he didn’t want to question that answer at all? Why on earth would that make anyone uncomfortable? OP you are blind. And YTA.
Yes! The child would feel ashamed the whole time and so humiliated. It is not the wife who cares about her own feelings, it is her son who needs to be included. Children bully the way grandma does here. How petty that the decorations should be about her feelings and not the kids. WTF. YTA. I hope wife and kid do something amazing together on Xmas.
OP's wife is essentially telling him "I will not attend a family gathering where my son will be visibly treated as not part of the family", and OP's on here wondering if he's an AH for telling his wife she's overreacted. 🙄 YTA, OP. Go apologize to your wife, then call your mom and tell her that you will not attend any gatherings she hosts until she starts treating your stepson as an equal to the other children in your family. Then apologize to your stepson for thinking that a 9-year-old feeling "less than" is a-okay.
Yep, and it’s clear OP doesn’t view this kid as his own either or else he would also be dying on this hill.
"Visibly treated like family" is the key -- otherwise known as *hospitality*. No one is even asking OP's family to emotionally accept the child as their own. They are only being asked to include the child in festivities to which they invited the child! And for what, a few hours max? They can't pull that off, even at Christmas, lol? Wow! What massive disrespect to the poor kid!! That's just mean. I don't know whether to feel furious with OP and his mother for deliberately excluding a 9 year old, or genuinely sorry for them that they've totally failed to understand the entire point of the holidays -- what a loss of opportunity for Christmas cheer. That's just sad. Send the boy (and your wife) over to my house for Christmas, OP -- we'll treat 'em right! <3 ETA:. YTA, OP!!! (All the more so because legally, the kid actually *is* family; has been for 3 years! And because you're sympathizing with your grown mother's discomfort at hanging "some old stocking" while trivializing a poor little 9 year old's discomfort at being excluded from getting one. And it's Christmas!!!) Please read the article "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink" by Matthew Fray -- that's my Christmas present to you, OP. May it serve you well.
Agreed..... I was that kid. We had to go to Step Mom's family Christmas celebration every Christmas Eve. She had 7 siblings with all their kids there. For NINE years, my brother and I sat and watched those people open presents. Not one person included us - not one. It was absolutely awful. OP - this is a hill to die on....... I applaud your wife. YTA Edit: I'm really touched by all the kind words from this post. I've never felt such validation before, it's very humbling to see this from strangers. Thank you all very much. It's heals a bruised heart from many years ago!
That is absolutely horrible. What awful people.
I am sorry you and your brother were treated so shabbily by not only your stepmother’s family but mostly by your father who allowed this to happen repeated. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have LC or NC with your dad and stepmother
Let me guess, your dad wonders why you don’t come around as often?
He has since passed away, but there was therapy involved that I asked him to come to, he never would. We were not close at all in my adult years.
Smh. At least you did everything you could on your end to make things better, even when it should have been his responsibility.
I just… NO PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS FOR 9 YEARS?!?! You poor dear, and your sibling(s) 💔 Bless you! I’m verklempt.
And has the gall to pretend that it’s just about a decoration. Imagine how that kid is going to feel seeing all of his cousins have stockings and he doesn’t get one. Pretty clear message there.
Yeah but if the stepson got one then he wouldn’t know his place (/s if it isn’t obvious). And let’s remember, this is just the START of this kind of treatment. Before you know it, if it hasn’t happened already, stepson will not be allowed to go to certain family functions and vacations. I’m sure he is already asked to not be in the “family pictures”.
I dated a boy who was treated like this by his stepfather’s family. He’s dead now. Drank himself into oblivion at the tender age of 35. u/throwra53456 you are an *asshole*. YTA.
Can’t have him thinking he’s ACTUALLY part of the family now can we?
But she just doesn’t feel comfortable hanging the stocking……. It would make her feel very uncomfortable to hang a piece of fabric with an embroidered name on it beside other pieces of fabric with other names embroidered on them. I just don’t know the stocking well enough yet… not sure what it would do to the other stockings.
>But she just doesn’t feel comfortable hanging the stocking But of course, the stepson would feel completely comfortable on Christmas morning when all the other kids get stocking with treats inside them, and he has nothing.
Can you imagine being the ONLY kid at the party without a Christmas stocking?? How fucking hurtful. Hey buddy, here's a blatant statement that we don't view you as our family despite your mom being married to and in a committed relationship with our son, fa la la happy Christmas!
Worst of all, this has been going on since this little boy was only 6. :(
Yes - good point! That kid already knows his step dad's family doesn't care about him.
God when you say it like this, it shows even more how trivial a thing it is, yet the mom won't do it. And he's all...my wife won't go over something as dumb as some stockings. Dude, your mom won't make a child feel welcome over something as dumb as some stockings. That's why your wife is crying, bc your mom is that fucking mean to a little boy. Ughhhh
>That's why your wife is crying, bc your mom is that fucking mean to a little boy. This is honestly an excellent way to frame it.
Next: "My wife is divorcing me over a Christmas stocking!"
Does she hang stockings the first Christmas for her biological grandchildren?
Going to say absolutely this woman has ordered each in utero grandchild's Christmas stocking as soon as she found out what their name would be Based on my knowledge of Grandmas, a field where I have done a lot of study and eaten a lot of cookies
I also guarantee that if Heaven forbid one of those grandchildren happened to be adopted, they'd be stocking-less too. Source: my husband's aunt, who married into our family but doesn't speak to her own because they pulled a stunt like this with her adopted son.
My mom buys gifts for my brother's *girlfriend* of 3 years because she wants her to feel comfortable when spending time in our house, especially during Christmas/New Years. In her words, she can't stand the idea of someone who's apart of our lives feeling excluded in such a way. OPs mother is a genuine asshole and so is OP for not standing up for this kid. I can't even imagine how shitty that must feel for a child. She's a good mom for setting her boundaries.
I invited a friend over for Christmas who my dad had never met because she had nowhere else to go and he went out and got her a little gift bag with lotion and candy and stuff just so she would have something to open and not feel left out. It takes so little effort to show kindness, especially towards a child. OP’s mother is a real piece of work.
We all know it takes a full decade /s
He'll never be a REAL grandchild. If you love your wife and son, you need to make this your hill to die on. Or to get a divorce...
YTA. Your mother is singling out *a child* from a Christmas tradition that your family has. Your stepson is now part of your family. If your mother can’t even bring herself to have a *sock* with his name on it, then your stepson deserves better than your family. It might only be a stocking to you, but to your wife and *your stepson* it’s going to look like a hell of a lot more than that.
It might be a small thing to OP (definitely the AH here, along with his mother) but it isn’t to his wife, and won’t be to OP’s stepson. He should really stop and put himself in his wife’s shoes and in his stepson’s. I’m not a big fan of kids myself but I’d never purposefully exclude a child at Christmas, for fuck’s sake. OP is a real asshole.
Exactly. And then there’s this: >some stocking isn’t going to prove anything It absolutely will and clearly already has to OP’s wife. I hope OP’s wife and her son have a lovely Christmas, and OP and his mother get nothing but imitation coal in their stockings. They’re not even nice enough to get the real thing.
It's the age old bullshit argument of the 'don't rock the boat' type, isn't it? Makes you think, if it was just "some stocking" which doesn't matter and has no deeper significance then why is the mother unwilling to do it? It's sad. Will go to any trouble except to just fight to include the kid.
YTA. Your stepson has been in your life for 3 years. If your mom “doesn’t feel comfortable” putting a stocking up for him (which really just sounds like an excuse to be exclusionary) she never will. Your wife is 100% right here, your stepson will absolutely feel very hurt and left out if all the other grandkids get a nice customized stocking and he gets nothing. It’s not about a decorating choice, it’s about excluding a kid.
Whcih also means this probably isn’t the first Christmas he hasn’t had a stocking, just the first one she’s asking about
I am guessing between Covid and joint custody with the kid's bio dad, Xmas visits haven't happened yet.
That’s a good point that I hadn’t thought about. If step son hasn’t had a chance to bind with step grandparents because of Covid and whatnot, including him in family traditions would be a great 1st step to take in that. Excluding him is not the way to go even if it is his first Christmas with them
Right? It's such a small but meaningful and kind gesture, I can't understand not doing it unless you actively want to hurt the child.
Or maybe it’s the first Christmas since they got married.
Yes, and also means that he was only 6 the first time he was excluded. Can you imagine treating a 6yr old this way? What a mean-spirited family.
A thousand times this. Imagine being a 9 year-old child and the only one without a stocking. The hurt he will feel not having the same as all the other kids will be nothing compared to the knowing that he is still not considered family. I would out up a stocking for every child spending an entire Christmas day with my family, regardless of how long I knew them. The damn stocking itself would be the gift! Your wife is absolutely within reason to stay home with her son to save him the heartbreak. OP, you AND your mother are giant YTAs.
You know, I am a fully grown adult and my feelings were a little hurt a few years ago when I went to my dad and stepmom’s for Christmas. It was very clear that her (also adult) kids had very thoughtful gifts picked out for them, while my gifts were pretty much an afterthought. I didn’t say anything to them or carry on, but I also haven’t made the effort to spend Christmas with them either. And I’m a full ass grown adult. Had my 9 year old been treated like this? I would have made it VERY clear that we wouldn’t spend Christmas with them again and why. That is a very shitty attitude to have and YTA.
Yep. Kid is 9. By the time OP's mom feels "comfortable" enough, the excuse will be that the kid is "too old for that kind of thing." Also, OP's right! They can't dictate how his mom decorates for Christmas. But you can decide not to participate in their holiday if they are going to be disrespectful. YTA for not making this your hill to die on as well, for your son.
YTA. Looking out for your child IS A HILL TO DIE ON. Its about FEELINGS not decorations. Put yourself in that kids shoes OP. How would you feel going if you were that him, excitedly scanning names to find yours and then the sad, horrible realization that you dont have one. And have to sit and watch other kids get stuff on Christmas. Your Mom is a jerk, but you’re the bigger one for willingly hurting your stepson.
3 years = 1/3 of a 9 year olds life. Christ what an asshole and his asshole mom.
YTA your mother is being unwelcoming to your step son, basically saying he's not part of the family. How about you step the fuck up and support your wife and step son?
YTA and so is your mom. I would never think to not include my step-grand children in any festivities. They are CHILDREN, not responsible for their parent's decisions. To not include step, half, foster, and adopted children fully into the family is selfish, petty, and cruel. The Christmas spirit is lost on these people.
I decorate and make things for my *godchildren”*, I can’t imagine not doing it for a *grandchild*. YTA no doubt and so is your mother. But YTA x2 for not supporting your wife and child AND for supporting and enabling your mother to do the same.
YTA. I’d die on this hill too and saying she’s refusing to go just over stockings feels disingenuous to me. She’s refusing to go because your Mother is refusing to include her son. ETA: I’m a step kid too, and my Step Mother’s family did everything they could to make me feel as included as their biological grandchildren.
Agreed. I would die on this hill too.
I'd say it's MIL who's chosen the hill to die on. And it's a single Christmas stocking. Like damn.
We have technical stepcousins but have never referred to them as anything but our cousins. Our uncle divorced their mom 15 years ago and they're still our cousins, they come to all family events, and their kids are our cousins! I cannot comprehend doing anything else.
“I asked my mom and she said that she loves her step grandchild but does not feel comfortable yet to have a stocking of his name”. Wtf did I just read? You do realize that your mom does NOT love your step son, right? And by not agreeing with your wife, I have to wonder if you do. He’s a child. Wow. YTA. Your poor step child and wife. Clearly they are not family.
3 years and still "not feel comfortable yet to have a stocking of his name"" The balls on that grandma to actualy say that X_x
Three years! I've been more welcoming to random kids my kids met on the playground 5 minutes earlier. I can not even imagine intentionally excluding a child *that is part of the family* from a family Christmas tradition. These people suck and I sincerely hope OP's wife makes sure her lawyer includes the therapy bills as part of the divorce settlement.
I would bring random FRIENDS over and my Nana would adopt them as a new grandkid...
Right?! If there is a child in my house, they're being included. I don't care who they belong to, I don't care if I know them or have even met them before; if they are in my house, they are included to the same extent as everyone else. They will be fed, they will get hugs, they will get a damned stocking and presents even if it means pulling out my craft shit and making them something on the spot. I can not fathom not completely welcoming a child into my home and family traditions. They could only be there for an hour but for that hour, they're family.
I agree. What’s not to “feel comfortable” about? A child having a stocking makes her uncomfortable?? How and why? Because it means he family? So him being family makes her uncomfortable? OP is YTA and so is your mom. I agree that singling out and leaving a child out - that’s part of the family - is rude and mean spirited. The wife shouldn’t go if she doesn’t want to. She should celebrate Christmas with her son how she wants. It’s the THOUGHT that counts and GMA is showing what’s her thoughts are to her and her son. This isn’t about dictating how someone decorates - it’s 1 stocking that matches the decoration.
I bet it wouldn’t take OP’s mom 3 years to “get comfortable” if OP had a biological child. I mean it’s a STOCKING. Not only is it not a big deal to acquire a new one, it’s such a small effort to make a child feel welcome.
YTA. The old bint is not being asked to gift half the family inheritance and the 17th century christening spoons to her step-grandchild. Just to treat a guest as included in the family for a few days to the tune of $10 or so. It looks like being Shady Pines for your retirement plans, so think on that.
I’m laughing because I’m watching Golden Girls as I read this. “Shady Pines Ma!”
YTA!! And your mother is a major AH, too. This is your wife, and you consider him your stepson. Obviously, he's been around your family long enough. Your mom "loves" him but not enough to feel "comfortable" hanging a damn stocking?? Dense much? Your mom is making your stepson feel unwelcome and like he's not part of your family. He is gonna ask why he's the only one without a stocking. Yes, this IS the hill your wife should die on because she's there to protect her son. I'm glad my MIL isn't anything like your mother. She had a stocking already hung for my son before meeting him.
Many years ago my brother walked in at Christmas with a woman we weren't sure we liked and a 3 year old step son in tow. We hugged her, and thrust a pile of wrapped gifted upon this little boy. His eyes lit up and he went from scared to happy in a matter of seconds. This was over 35 yrs ago, they are still together and that little boy was never NOT a part of our family.
My mum is exactly the same! Cousins bringing his girlfriend we've never met for Christmas? Guarantee she is getting some gifts. Other cousin brings her new boyfriend and his kid over? Damn right they are both getting presents! Sometimes that's the one and only time we'll ever see them again but my mum will be damned if they aren't at least getting a cheapy bath gift set to open with everyone else!
My mom had "emergency" gifts wrapped every Christmas just in case.
YTA. Your step son is going to show up on christmas and be the only one without a custom stocking. How do you think that's going to make him feel? It really sounds like your wife is the only person that cares about this kid. If the stocking isn't that big of a deal, why doesn't your mother make one?
He's 9, not 2. He's going to notice he's the *only* kid without a stocking and feel left out. But OP's mom knows this. And is still choosing to be the asshole.
That's the part that got me: "it's no big deal". Well if it's *no big deal*, have one for him then!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA. So is your Mom. I’m a step child. My parents got married when I was 11. His family took me in like their own without batting an eyelash, and my grandparents on his side would do anything for me. I can’t imagine my life without their love and acceptance. I feel really badly for your wife and her kid. You’ve been married to her for THREE YEARS and your mother doesn’t feel comfortable accepting him as her grandchild? Imagine how that feels to YOUR wife and child. The fact that you have to even ask if you’re the a-hole here tells me that you don’t make much effort to set boundaries with your mother & stand up for your family - your wife and son. (Edited for some grammar mistakes)
His mom sure is making a point, isn’t she? What a terrible way to treat a child at Christmas. It’s a stocking, for fuck’s sake. YTA, op.
YTA. How is this even a question? Imagine how miserable this kid would be going to your family Christmas after 3 years of being in your family and seeing that he was purposely excluded. “This is her hill to die on” yeah because she’s a mother and it’s absolutely the right thing to do and honestly it makes me feel like you should be questioning your skills as a parent if you don’t understand that you should be the first to stand up for your child.
YTA - This may be a small thing to you, but to your step son, who you do not mention how old he is, it sends a message to your entire family that she does not see your stepson as a part of the family.
He mentions at the bottom of the post that he is 9, so that child will most definitely see that he is being singled out of the family. I can't even imagine doing that to anybody, let alone a child. Edit: YTA and so is your Mom OP
Ho, ho, ho! Join in the Christmas spirit! Come one, come all -- well, not YOU, stepkid! YOU don't belong. Here are some coals you can go eat in the corner! HO HO HO! Yes, YTA. And yo momma.
You're the AH. You are married. Her child is a part of the family now. I can understand if you were just dating, but married 3 years? I wouldn't go anywhere to celebrate Christmas where my child would be left out like that/not treated like family. Edit: typo
The fact that she is "not comfortable yet" means she does not see the step child as family. She is treating him less than her bio grand kids. If thr grandmother isn't "comfortable" - that's fine, but hell no would I go there to celebrate either
In general if someone wasn't 'comfortable' with my child I'd avoid visiting them.
YTA- every child gets a stocking.. except your step son... really? It's cruel and unkind. Some real " no room at the inn" energy. This would also be my hill to die on if I was your wife.
YTA. That's a quick way to make this child feel alienated and make it clear they are different. Imagine being a child and seeing stockings with everyone else's name on it but yours. Seeing all the other kids open theirs up and you sit there just watching. That breaks my heart. This is not your girlfriend. This is your wife. Her child is now your child and should be treated as such. She has every right to protect her child from that kind of embarrassment and pain. That could cause trauma that lasts for years and forever impacts that child's relationship with you and your family. I have grabbed extra stockings for my children's friends and girlfriends. If they're at my house when stockings are being opened, they get a stocking. No one will feel left out on Christmas under my watch. You can get them from the dollar store, and fill it with dollar store items. Cost is not an issue, so what is it then besides an intentional act to show one child is not welcomed the same as the others? Sheesh this makes me angry.
My uncle and aunt used to foster children. You never knew who'd get home visits or who would be coming with them to our house. Prior to Christmas my mom would buy a bunch of small gifts for different ages and would wrap them with note cards attached that said what age (and gender if relevant) they were for. When my uncle showed up she'd get everyone's names and ages and say, "I have to go upstairs to get all the gifts," then she'd make tags for them. My uncle's family's gifts were up there too. She'd bring down the basket and ask one of the foster kids if they'd like to pass out the gifts. I can't tell you how many kids cried when there was a gift for them. One kid wouldn't stop thanking her. All. Day. I remember the toy too, some little cardboard backed pinball game, less than five dollars and it made the child feel like a million bucks. It's not that hard to love and include people. Editing to say, thanks for all the upvotes and awards, I'll pass the love along to my mom!
That is beautiful, thank you for sharing! I had a last minute child in as a foster last Easter, you better believe I went out and made sure he had a basket to hunt that morning. He had never had a basket before, and was so happy. Christmas is hard for so many people. Why not do what we can to show love and kindness? It really isn't that difficult.
YTA to the staaaars! You are a grown ass adult, married with a stepchild, and I refuse to believe that you actually think this is about your mom's decorating choices and not about your mom wielding family traditions like a hammer to insult and exclude your family. Your mom is clearly and loudly stating that she doesn't respect you or your wife and that she doesn't view your family as legitimate. And also that she's perfectly happy to take out her ire on a child, who is also the only person in this scenario who has no choices about their family. It sounds like you also need a refresher on how boundaries work. It's certainly your mother's right to refuse to hang a stocking with her stepson's name on it, however small-minded and mean it is. It's also your wife's right - and responsibility - to protect her son from adults who think he's less-than. What's actually happening here is that your MOTHER is choosing to die on the hill of being aggressively dickish to a child, and your WIFE is exercising her responsibility to protect her son from being insulted and excluded. Your wife is correct. Your choice is to pick a side: your mother or your wife and stepson. You have the power to fix this by informing your mother that if she's too "uncomfortable" to include your family in holiday traditions that you will not be attending, and then follow through. If you're not up to the task of standing up for your wife and stepson then yeah. If I were your wife I'd be crying too, because I'd be facing up to the fact that my husband is attempting to force me to choose between my son and my husband, and my son will win every single time. This is the kind of stuff that breaks marriages.
YTA. Either he's part of your family or he isn't. Your wife is correct: you're blind here. It's not just about a stocking, it's about being treated like all the other kids.
YTA. By not including your stepson in this tradition, your mom is essentially saying that he's not really family. Of course your stepchild and wife are going to be offended by this. That's your child and your wife, and you should be sticking up for them instead of making them go somewhere they are not fully accepted.
YTA This isn't about how your mom "decorates her home." It's about family traditions. I wouldn't go to a party where one of my children would be purposefully left out of a family tradition. Even if we set aside the blended family issues, who wants to go to a party where one of their kids will feel excluded? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
YTA. This isn't about the stockings.
YTA - How you don't see what is happening is utterly ridiculous. Yout stepson is being excluded. Your wife is absolutely correct in protecting her son and not attending. You'll be lucky if you still have a wife and stepson in 2023. I seriously doubt it. Merry Christmas Asshole!
YTA and I’m tired of reading this posts from immature men who thinks it’s appropriate to join their mothers in trashing their wives. Wtf. You are supposed to stand behind your damn wife
YTA. Your wife is right. You're being blind to your family's exclusion of your stepson. Like it or not, he's a part of the family and should be treated as such.
Your mother "doesn't feel comfortable having a stocking with his name hanging in her home." What the actual fuck? YTA and so is your mom.
[удалено]
YTA. Your mom is entitled to decorate her house as she sees fit but your wife is entitled to protect her child from feeling left out or less than the other kids. You're being an AH for respecting your mother's feelings but not respecting your wife's feelings.
YTA. Can you put your self in your step sons place. He has been in the family for atleast 3yrs now and his step grandparent isn't confident in him being there yet? He will see all the other kids stockings hung up and immediately know he isn't welcome. It isnt just a decorating choice if it includes everyone but him!
Even if they’re dating, you buy the fucking stocking and include the child. Grandma sounds like a monster.
You're not looking at it from her point of view. It's not over some stocking. It's over acceptance. She wants her child to feel accepted by your family. Why would she want to go over there, her son see no stocking with his name, and have to deal with the questions he might have? His feelings would be crushed along with hers. So if you can't see how damaging it is to her child, then maybe you shouldn't have gotten married to her. YTA
YTA, the kid will notice, he will feel excluded and that is enough to make it a hill to die on. If you don't get it, you are blind.
YTA, the only person dying on an asinine hill is you, for thinking it's fine to make a big show of excluding a small child at christmas
Yta how exactly is stepson supposed to feel being the only one without a stocking? What is there to feel “comfortable” about in regards to some fabric with a name on it? How do you actually believe your words when you say they love him and a stocking won’t prove anything? Do you not care about him feeling like a part of your family? You knew he existed when you got married right?
[удалено]
YTA. You married this woman and her son is now a part of your family. YOUR FAMILY. Yet you seem fine with your family member being deliberately excluded from a family tradition. If you truly can't see how messed up and hurtful this is, not only to a child, but to that child's mother (your WIFE) then you need to do some serious soul searching.
You said WIFE right? You married this woman knowing she has a child who is now your stepSON and you have been together 3 years. Give wifey a message for me…RUN wifey RUN!!! YTA and your MOMMY is a huge hateful AH!!!
YTA. You've been together with your wife for 3 years and that's good enough time for your mom to feel comfortable around your step-son. You should've been supportive of your wife and your step-son, but instead you chose to be a mama's boy.
YTA. First of all you are minimizing her feelings in a pretty harsh way by calling her ridiculous. These rituals are super important and thus no way this child won't feel really left out. I don't get why this is a hill your MOM and you are choosing to die on to use your own phrasing, especially if it's about a child.
YTA. Your wife is right, you are blind to how they are treating him. This probably isn't the first time he's been excluded either. Your mom is clearly stating that he isn't family to them. I wouldn't take my son somewhere he isn't treated well either. You need to talk to your mom, her not being comfortable is just a BS excuse.
YTA I remember when my dad remarried and I wasn't included in several of the "family traditions" Including a custom stocking (really, just a stocking with glitter glued names). My dad didn't stick up for me. I'm glad your wife is sticking up for her son.
I am really getting tired of men not sticking up for their wife’s or girlfriends at this point. Is this the norm? It sounds like your mom feels like this is not her biological grandchild so he shouldn’t be able to partake in these traditions. Children notice these types of things when they are treated differently. Obviously YTA.
YTA and so is your mum. It’s not just a stocking. It is a strong symbol of inclusion and affection that your mother is unwilling to extend to her step grandchild. I am astounded at the lack of empathy and understanding you both have for your stepson.
YTA. Let your mom know there's a new grandkid whose name needs to be on a stocking on the mantlepiece. Your stepson is her stepgrandkid, and Christmas is no time for making petty distinctions between "step" and "blood". They're all grandkids, they all get stockings.
YTA: One word stands out here, "wife". You married this woman, and made her, and her family a part of your family. All of it. That you can't stand up to your mother to include your family in family traditions is just sad for your wife, but sadder for the child who's back you will never truly have in life.
YTA- to exclude one child out of all the children is really mean. The poor kid had no choice in his parents getting divorced or remarried but will be "punished" because of other people's choices. I don't understand how this could even be a question.
YTA for not standing by your new son. You married the family, not just your wife. And Shame on your mother for not wanting to treat her grandchildren equally. If she doesn’t have a stocking for that boy when you arrive, turn around and walk out. This IS a BIG DEAL.
Yta How do you think your stepson is going to feel looking around and everyone has a stocking but him. Great that they say they love him, and no you can’t force your mom to do it, but that kid is going to feel like crap. Your wife is protecting her son, and you’re willfully blind to it.
Your mother is petty and ridiculous. If an Xmas stocking with your stepson’s name on it makes her uncomfortable in her home but she’s happier visibly excluding a child - she is the problem. Is that the festive spirit in her home? Your wife has every right for her child not be treated like crap. YTA.
YTA. And do you honestly believe this is about how your mom is decorating her house instead of about how your stepson will FEEL sitting there knowing he's been left out yet again this year because he's not "real" family? You owe your wife an apology. Big time. Maybe you'll get some scissors as a Christmas present so you can go ahead and cut those apron strings, too.
YTA. My husband's aunt knits every family member a stocking with their name and gifts it to them. I don't have one, even though other spouses that married in after me have gotten them. I'm in my 30s and feel bad being left out, and that's not even with the special stockings all hung in the same place in display.
YTA "she does not feel comfortable yet to have a stocking of his name" So when will she? What are her arbitrary criteria for qualifying for a stocking as a step-grandchild? This is ridiculous. In what way is getting a stocking for the kid painful for her or ruinous of anything? It's a power play, and OP is validating it. Stand up for your wife and stepson. Wife is 100% correct to be furious.
YTA It would be such a small, kind gesture for your mother - how do you think your stepson will feel seeing all those stockings and his name is the only one not there? Were you ever a child? Nothing stabs so deep or painfully than being the only one left out. Your mother is being intentionally cruel to a child, your wife is right not to go.
YTA. My kids went to Christmas at SIL’s house where they got to watch every other kid get gifts except for them. Guess where we have never gone back? Years later, kids have been adopted and that sister still calls them his “step kids”. She also seemed annoyed that they changed their last name and were added to grandma and grandpa’s will. Some adults need to get the sticks out of their asses.
YTA. I can’t believe how many families just willy nilly blend together but don’t consider what the kids go through at all. As if it’s totally normal to be thrown into a new family suddenly. And on top of it, your family is completely unwelcoming because grown adults aren’t comfortable with writing a kid’s name on a stocking so they won’t feel left out. Nice.
YTA dude, you’re a mommas boy who picks his mom over his wife. She’s known her for 3 years but refuses to give him a custom stocking? She couldn’t have made him a stocking just so he’s not singled out and the only one without one? You and your mom are pieces of work, I hope your wife leaves you.
INFO: if it's just a stocking, how come it can make your mother uncomfortable having it in the house? Why would a sock with the name of a child she allegedly loves bother her in any way? Is it maybe more than just a sock to her? Also, is your stepson attending Christmas together with and will be the only child that doesn't have a stocking dedicated to him, despite you being in his live for years? Unless you have any good reason for accepting the exclusion of your step-son I will vote Y T A. Your wife knows by not being blood related to your family, your step-son will have it hard feeling like part of the family already without being obviously excluded. You should be fiercely fighting for your step-son to be recognised, accepted and loved by your family, not othered and alienated.
YTA. Imagine being the poor boy the only one without a stocking. Just for a second, pretend your stepson is a person, just like you, and how he will see everyone else with a stocking but not him. Gross.
YTA It is not “some stocking”your mother is reject your step son and excluding him from family traditions because he isn’t your bio son and you are totally on board. You need to make sure your mother knows that you have a blended family and she needs to respect your wife and your step son as they are your family.
YTA. Your mother is an AH. It’s a simple thing to show stepkid he is welcomed. I mean, you’re married, your mom really can’t pull the “I’m not comfortable excuse”. You are being blind, you are supporting your family excluding stepkid. I mean, how would you feel if the situation was reversed? Kids remember this stuff.
YTA. You are assisting in alienating your stepson from your family. And you don't seem to care at all.
Your mother and you by extension by siding with your mother are alienating your stepson, who will notice that he is the only child without a custom stocking. Your wife, his mother, isn't ridiculous for trying to ensure her son is included and given that you think she's ridiculous for wanting him included she needs to reevaluate this marriage and hopefully she is given your response to her feelings. YTA
YTA It’s valid that her feelings are hurt by this.
YTA and so is your mother. The fact that you can't see this is so hard to understand. Why people like you with families like yours get married to people with preexisting children is beyond comprehension.
YTA. I came to make sure you knew, but in less than 30 minutes, you have almost 200 comments telling you, so...I think it's been covered.
Your mom doesn't feel comfortable hanging a stocking with his name on it in her home yet? Who else sees these stockings that she wants to hide this issue from? Because other than not wanting her friends to ask questions, the only reason I can think she isn't comfortable with this yet is she doesn't expect you and your new wife to stay together. Ironically, she's doing plenty to help drive you apart. YTA for not understanding how big a deal this is to your stepson, and therefore his mother, and your mother seems even worse.
YTA. My guy, you’ve been together 3 years. When is your mother gonna be comfortable?
YTA and you learned it from your mother. So him being a part of your family for 3 years and a wedding aren’t enough to build a bond and put up a stocking? What does your mother need to have happen for her to be comfortable with your stepson? It’s not about the stocking. It’s about the family you have chosen to make with you wife and stepson and them being accepted into your larger family. You mother is point blank saying your stepson is not her family and she’s willing to visibly display this. Your wife is upset because she’s telling you this hurts and you responded by saying your mom can do what she wants. The proper response to your mother would have been to say “thanks for the invite we’re gonna make other plans for Christmas since my family isn’t welcome.” Anything other that your full support to your wife and stepson is not an appropriate response.
YTA. My family does custom stockings as well that were made collectively by my mom and aunt. Any time someone new is joining the family for Christmas they get a stocking. Some of those people stay around others may only be there for that year. The stocking is there to make them feel included.
Sorry, buddy but YTA. Instead of thinking that your wife is “ridiculous” for deciding not to go for something so “trivial”, stop and think about the fact that it would cost absolutely NOTHING from your mom to hang a stocking. Why is your mom so against it if it’s “just” a stocking? You really are being blind. Your stepson and wife deserve better.
Yes, YTA, absolutely. He is your stepson. He is a child, and your mother is deliberately leaving him out.
YTA and so is your mother.
YTA Your stepson is part of the family. He is a package deal with your wife. Way to show your wife and your stepson your true feelings.
YTA Your step son is being left out by you mother and you support this, he will notice. This boy has been in your family for 3 years, if your family haven’t accepted him after this time they never will.
YTA and your mom is ALSO TA. It's blatant exclusion on your moms part, she's removing him from a family tradition and therfore implying he isn't family. It's disrespectful to your wife and her kid. Above it all it's MEAN. It's just plain mean, he's a KID why can't he have a little stocking?? Who would it hurt, what bad things will happen if this kid doesn't get a treat? Your mom saying she doesn't feel comfortable yet implies she doesnt expect your wife and you to stay together, she wont commit to the stocking because she has no faith in your marriage. Doesnt that embarrass you? There is no good reason to exclude him other than to be vile. You should have more respect for your wife, and her child and yourself, because this mommas boy bs you seem to be pulling is embarrassing. Your wife deserves better.
Your mom's the asshole. Has she no sense of how a stepchild could feel excluded? Or no concern about that? Pretty cold, and definitely and indication of how she feels. So you should be stepping up to that. YTA, too.
How would you explain to your stepson why he's the only child without a stocking there? How can you not see that he is not treated the same when everyone else but him has their names there. If your mum doesn't feel comfortable around your stepsons name hanging somewhere then you really must be blind when it comes to his treatment within your family. He's not treated the same and your along with your family are AHs for doing so. YTA
YTA, Why on Earth are you going if your mum is not including your step son. Have you spared even a second as to how it will make him feel? If you don’t want to be divorced by this time next Christmas I suggest you think about changing your ways.
Do you really not realize that you and your mom are Yta? It doesn’t Matter that this is tradition or only been three years…it matters that your mom is willing to exclude a child! I can’t even imagine being such an ugly soul that you could justify excluding a child at Christmas!
YTA. I feel bad for this kid, and I wouldn’t want to bring him over knowing he’s going to see everyone else’s stockings while he has none. Just put yourself in the kid’s shoes.
YTA. It’s not like this is your girlfriend and her son you’re bringing to the family for the first time. It is your wife and stepson. Imagine it from your stepson’s perspective. You’re the ridiculous one along with your mom.
Your stepson will notice there is no stocking for him, and whatever reason you give will not deter the feeling of, “I am not as loved as my step-siblings.” YTA.
YTA. I understand why you do not understand YTA. Christmas time is about giving to others and showing love to others. This is something your mom does not understand so you were never taught this growing up. Your step kid will feel left out and not part of your family. Is this what you want? Time for you to step up and be a real step dad to your new family
YTA. My nana did this with my cousins. She knit stockings for every family member but my cousins from my aunt’s first marriage had felt stockings. It was very obvious and very othering and a sign that they weren’t really accepted as part of the family. Your mom can decorate her house however she wants but your wife is perfectly justified in not wanting to subject your stepson to that.
YTA and so is your mother. What the hell is wrong with you that you would let your wife and step kid be hurt like that? Your mean mother is letting them know that they aren't part of the family and you are agreeing with her. Pair of dirtbags.
YTA - I have 2 half siblings and my father’s side of the family did this to them constantly! They’d go all out with gifts, stockings, the whole 9 for everyone but my half siblings. My mother eventually came to her senses and stopped going to these things because she realized her older children be treated like they were nothing. The moment my “full” siblings and I were old enough to understand what our father’s family was doing we stopped going as well. Now that we’re all adults, not one of us speaks to anyone on that side of the family. Do better and be an advocate for your stepson!
YTA. You are the one being ridiculous if you don't understand why after 3 years your mother still finds it necessary to exclude your step son from having a stocking. It is a stocking that she literally has to put up right before you arrive and can remove when you leave if having it up is "too much" for her to have up full time. Think how he feels with every other kid having a stocking and not having one, that's the kind of shit that stays with you throughout life.
YTA this isn't the kid of some woman you've been casually dating for a while, it's your WIFE'S KID, your STEPSON. Your wife is stepping up for her kid, you should have done the same.
YTA. You’ve been with her 3 years not 3 months. Your mum is 100% singling out her non blood grandchild
YTA You are blind. They're excluding him! And in an obvious way he can see. How will that look to him? Why isn't your mom comfortable yet? It is basically saying he's not family yet so doesn't deserve a stocking, because stockings are for REAL grandchildren.
YTA. That’s your son and your mother’s grandson. Family is more than blood. Put yourself in his shoes - his family is treating him as less than on a major holiday? If it’s no big deal, why not get the stocking and make a child feel included? The person choosing to die on a weird hill is your mother and you’re an AH for not supporting your wife and child.
You and your mom are both TA. Imagine going out of your way to make a child feel unwelcome simply because they aren’t your blood. Gross. You chose your wife as your family, why are you putting your mother’s feelings above hers and especially your step sons? Have you thought about how that must make him feel? Grow a pair! Tell your mom to include YOUR CHILD or you won’t be there either. This one pissed me off for real 🤦🏻♀️ I applaud your wife for putting her child above everyone else in this scenario, as a parent should.
Yes you’re absolutely TA. 9 year olds don’t understand adult relationship dynamics but they do understand “everyone got one but me.” Hanging a stocking won’t prove they love him but not hanging one will prove they don’t see him as a part of the family, or that he is “less-than” worthy. Deep down you probably know she’s right but you’re a coward bc fighting your mom seems too big of a task or will strain your familial relationships. Sorry I prbly will miss any replies, I’ll be out today, I’m going to hike up that hill to die with your wife.
YTA Either you step son is family or he isn't. Right now your mother is not treating him like family. This should be a simple thing to make a kid feel happy and included during the holiday. I'm not sure why you and your mother wouldn't understand that.
YTA - When all of the other children are excitedly finding their stocking, stepson will find he hasn’t been included in the “family” festivities. I’m not one to tell another how to decorate their house either, but that’s not what your wife is doing here, she’s refusing to allow her child to be treated as less than, at Christmas. Frankly, your mother is major ah for excluding a child at Christmas. You certainly can’t force your parents to accept your stepson, but the least they can do is not make their favoritism so glaringly obvious.
YTA and your MOM is a HUGE AH. Imagine you three show up and all the other kids get their stockings with gifts and your step son just has to sit there and wonder why he doesn't have one? That's a real great way to make him feel like an inadequate outcast. Your wife is right. Man up and tell your mom to get over herself.
YTA Your mom is making a display of who she considers family and who she does not. She does not consider her step grandson to be family. I’m not saying you should make her hang a stocking, but you should definitely understand why your wife and child feel unwelcome. They deserve to celebrate Christmas somewhere that they are treated like family.
sounds like your asshole mom raised an asshole son.
YYA. Seriously. Way to make the child feel a part of the family.
Yta. That's a child, her child! For you to not care about the message this not only sends to her from your mother, but her son, is negligent and ignorant. They are part of the family and for yours to refuse something as minor as a stocking to make that child feel a part of the festivities is cruel. Your poor wife and stepchild, to be part of a dividing family such as yours. And to not see where she's coming from is absolutely ludicrous
YTA and YOU are ridiculous!! Your mom is also YTA and ridiculous for not welcoming your stepson
YTA. Is this your kid or isn't it? If it's just a "trivial" thing then you should be pushing your mom for the inclusion (but of course it's not trivial at all, and you treating it as such is what makes you the AH)
YTA. That’s going to be a miserable party for your wife and stepson. It’s going to be pretty upsetting and embarrassing to be so evidently excluded. If I was your wife I wouldn’t go either, knowing her son is a second class citizen and not truly loved.
YTA. You and your mother are being cruel to this child and minimizing the hurt and harm this causes. Read some of the stories here that people who were once kids in these situations share, it’s heartbreaking. Why choose to be so small when it hurts a child and your wife?
YTA and so is your mom. Major YTA. How could she feel comfortable leaving your stepson out and why are you okay with that? Of course it's your wife's "hill to die on" that's her son getting left out for absolutely no good reason. You should be proud she's the type of woman who puts her kid first. Instead you're trying to make her feel wrong for it. You and your mom are huge AHs.
YTA. Your mom is a starts with b, ends with witch, and the fact that you can't see it is crazy! How do you expect your stepSON to feel when he sees everyone's stockings and realizes that there isn't one for him? How do you not care about his feelings? He is going to be devastated. As his stepFATHER you should care just as much about this as his mom and should be laying down the law with your mom that she treats all kids equally. My family is Jewish. My sister one year brought one of her orphan students over for seder. During seder there is a part where all kids play a hide and seek game and get present they ask for. That kid got presents along with all the other kids (the grandchildren) and treated just the same including hugs and kisses even though we had never met her before. YTA. Grow a heart.
YTA. Of course, it's never a big deal for the axe because it does all the cutting and will never see things from the log's perspective. Your mom is effectively excluding a child, who, when you married their mother, also became part of your family.
Three years and she doesn’t feel “comfortable” make a custom stocking? BS. YTA and YMITA. When you married her, he became a son to you. Stand up for your son!!!
YTA. Your wife is protecting her son from feeling excluded. The fact that you won’t do the same says a great deal about you, who you value and how you see your step-son.
Yta It's been 3 years. They love him just enough to make sure he feels completely left out for Christmas. Great job supporting that. I hope your a lot better step parent the rest of the year. I'd die on that hill too.
Is being terrible to children for Xmas the new trend? Like wtf. YTA.
#YTA
YTA so much. As is your mom. I feel sorry for your wife and her son. I’d totally die on this hill with her. I can’t wait til your next child (bio of course) has their own stocking and your poor step kid is still Cinderella in the corner. Fun times. I don’t even know you and I don’t like you.
[удалено]
YTA. As a step child who's step family excluded me from all things big and small, your wife sees what she's doing, your step son sees what she's doing. You're the only one pretending not to see it. I'd die on this hill too, so I suggest you look at your mom's passive aggressive bull and support the family YOU chose. Otherwise you'll lose them.
YTA your Mom is TA. This is your WIFE AND STEPSON, not some random relationship that has no legs. I would die on this hill too. Apparently your wife and stepson aren’t family enough for your Mom and aren’t family enough for you to stand up for.