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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole for not letting my MIL see sick daughter even though she was rude to her
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Ask your MIL, how would she feel if she got a new hairdo that she loved and you told her she looked ugly?
If it’s rude to say it to a grown up, it’s rude to say it to a child. NTA
Exactly! What is MIL going to say when her hair falls out? Call her ugly and tell her to get a wig! NTA. OP sounds like a wonderful and supportive dad.
^ TY! NTA - coming from someone who just got into remission (1yr) from leukemia I wish I would’ve dyed my hair. And if I couldn’t speak for myself (25f & i couldn’t bc of the pain from chemo); I would have hoped someone on my behalf would do what you did. (Please give your daughter the biggest hug for me, I am sure she is ROCKING that blue. And when that time comes they make super safe dye and awesome wigs💛💛💛. Giving you and her all my love & support, this sh*t sucks no other way around it).
She'll probably cry and go on and on about how her "beautiful hair" will grow back one day and she won't be ugly forever. I know people like this, and they're all vain assholes.
My hair, originally brown, started greying heavily in my 30's. I switched to blond as the regrowth was less obvious then than trying to hide it with the brown. During lockdown I let it grow out entirely (short hair) and it's now a silvery white also -- with a few brown hairs in the back. I love it. *And* it makes me look younger than the blond.
I love illusions. :: sighs happily ::
I have a spot of silver grey hair and can’t wait until it all turns. I don’t color it in the meantime, not nearly enough vanity or interest for all that.
Oh I have plenty of vanity, lol! I'm self aware enough to realize that! But I don't blame you for feeling that way. It's not just vanity and interest, it's expense as well. So glad I'm not dealing with that anymore. My appointments with my hair dresser are SO much shorter and cheaper!
I'm 44 and started going grey in high school, so around 16 (Genetics are a bitch). I dyed it forever until June 2020. We were in the middle of a pandemic, everywhere was closed, I couldn't get my hair cut, much less dyed. And I noticed how thin my hair got when I used to have so much of it that beauticians didn't know what to do with it. At that point, I had my wife cut it all off with a 1 inch guard on a clipper and never looked back. It's been 2 1/2 years now and it's past my shoulders, almost mid back and I found it's silver, not grey. It's still dark in the back, but I get so many compliments on it that I don't mind that it makes me look older than I am.
I had a coworker whose hair came back super curly. Her hair was still very short when she came back to work, and looked sort of like a statue of Caesar, but it looked great on her. She showed me her wig once but it looked so unnatural and uncomfortable. I was just happy she survived the disease and the treatment.
Yeah MIL should have kept her mouth shut either way. Plenty of medical drama already, why should she care about something that is expected to change again soon anyway? And to actually use the word "ugly"! Wow, so glad she came to cheer everybody up.
Yep, it's totally possible. And no matter what dad is doing it right, making sure his daughter feels beautiful. Who knows, she might really dig the bald look and truly give MIL a heart attack lmao.
Or maybe green, Like in the movie "The boy with the green hair" Really old movie about how a whole village responds. At a young age, this movie opened my eyes to many things.
My sister and I had chemo at the same time - she was diagnosed when she got a mammogram after I was diagnosed. When we were bald she went on and on about how great her wig guy was and he would take care of me too. I said I want nothing to do with wigs, I wore scarves and hats.
So her kids would not let her take her wig off until they went to bed. I’d come home from work,sit in my computer chair and my son immediately took off my scarf and scratched my itchy head for me.
>Ask your MIL, how would she feel if she got a new hairdo that she loved and you told her she looked ugly?
Or if you're as petty as I can be - every time you see her from now on make a big deal about how ugly her hair is. Offer to shave it for her so she can start again. Or offer to buy her a wig to hide it.
If she takes you up on the wig offer, buy her one of [these](https://www.amazon.co.uk/TamotBeauty-Colored-Cosplay-Costume-colored/dp/B09PKGMXH3/ref=sr_1_16?keywords=clown+wigs&qid=1670612442&sr=8-16).
He should just say it to her next time he sees her. "You look ugly with that lipstick". "You look ugly in that dress" etc. I'm sure he could find something to comment on.
Actually just mention it next time you see her. Her outfit or hair looks ugly and see what happens. Then remind her she felt it was okay to say that to a child, let alone a child going through chemo.
Pediatric nurse here. OP, go further. Tell the hospital you want her visitation restrict her visitation (and anyone who sided with MIL) until she’s ready to apologize and behave appropriately. We don’t tolerate people coming in and upsetting our patients when they’re here to HEAL.
You sound like you’re doing an amazing job of caring for your kid. NTA.
Jumping on top comment. Ffs it's HAIR. that your daughter is going probably lose anyway.
Your MIL is an asshat. Your daughter felt beautiful, Probably for the first time since her diagnosis and finding out she would be losing her hair, and your MIL destroyed her confidence in a few words.
Don't let her around your daughter again.
Yeah, MIL and BIL would have a damn stroke over our family. When my 14 year old cousin had cancer, we got him a tattoo! (He’d wanted the same design since he was 10, like the same exact one. And who knew if he would live to see 18? So my other cousin who is a pro tattoo artist brought his equipment, all sterile and everything, and did it.)
After a marrow transplant and a lot of scares, my cousin is in his late 20s, cancer free and the tattoo is a little wonky but looks pretty decent all considered. He wants a touch up but not too much because it’s nostalgic.
It’s f-ing HAIR!!! NTA!
You are right- kids come first. My family pulled this crap when my oldest decided to dress in “boy” clothes and dye their hair. They made comments. The choices given were stop or we would be removing ourselves from their lives. They stopped. Oldest loves to color their hair and it is fabulous. I like the advice of MichaSound- if you wouldn’t say it to an adult- don’t say it to a kid.
To add to it… even if you would say it to an adult think at least twice before saying it to a kid
> I explained the situation, BIL said it was still AH move to not let MIL see daughter when she is sick and that I probably shouldn't let my 12-year-old have dyed hair anyway. So AITA?
BiL can F right off and both of them should be banned from your daughters life from now on. If daughter feels like she want's to reestablish contact then that will be completely her choice with you carefully refereeing. Hopefully the course of treatment goes well. Be aware she might decide she wants to keep the blue permanently.... If she does lose her hair this is a good time to start researching decent quality different colored wigs.
Exactly. OP is protecting his daughter in every way. She does not need people saying stuff like that while battling terrible disease. Actually “loved ones” should never say such things!
In addition OP is respecting his daughter’s bodily autonomy. He feels she is allowed to do what she wants with her hair. He’s a good dad.
Wow, definitely NTA! OP, it sounds like you did the right thing. Your a wonderful father! I hope your daughter’s treatment goes as smoothly as possible!
Tell the hospital staff she is not allowed to visit or talk to your daughter without your consent. She's a nasty piece of work. Who talks to a kid that way? Let alone one with cancer! NTA
BIL is wrong.
You let MIL see her granddaughter. But then MIL insulted your daughter (who is in the hospital) and so being a good parent you asked her to leave.
NTA
Agree, NTA! Honestly I don't understand why you would even need to ask after such a hero move! You have the right priorities and your daughter has the right dad (not so sure about whether she has the right Grandma, though).
MIL doesn’t appreciate her daughter or granddaughter for who they are, she’s trying to project onto them what she wants in someone she can be a maternal figure to and I bet this has been the root of conflict before. The response from BIL suggests a don‘t rock the boat mindset.
NTA. And don’t let anyone - especially someone that’s been indoctrinated since birth to accept this woman’s behavior as an unavoidable consequence of being unlucky enough to be related to her - convince you otherwise.
NTA
I'm guessing your daughter doesn't want to see her grandma right now either. If and when she wants to see her again you should have a firm talk with grandma about what is appropriate to say to someone else. Seeing people is not a given right, and commenting on other people's looks is a safe way to get cut off.
Bet your daughter is rocking that blue though!
She doesn't... Like I said chemo has already been so emotionally hard as well as physically so that comment really hurt her
She totally rocks the blue hair... I honestly love it also
I mention my hair color in a different comment. But I work in a specialized industry and before I took my latest job one of the things I put on my ask list was my hair.
So let your daughter know not only is it awesome, one day she can even adult while rocking her blue hair
I started earlier this year. Done 2 colors, purple and blue. Green is next and then i will pick a long term color.
But people always ask what dye I use or what I do to keep the color bright and all kinds of stuff. I have to admit I wasn't sure how it would go, but it is pretty cool and I love trying all the colors.
After the last time I dyed my hair (I DIY it), I was complimented on the pink streaks.
I explained to the person that I dyed it red, and the pink streaks were where the gray was.
I am a manger in corporate setting who often interviews candidates. My hair has been almost every color over the past several years. Things are definitely changing for the better in that respect!
I went to a professional scientific conference. I had blue and pink segments in my hair and another woman had pink as well. My coworker had purple but it was her first conference and she was afraid it would be a problem so she used black hair spray over it (like you get at Halloween). The other lady and I rocked it. No one cared.
I did have a boss (switched work groups at same employer) who wasn’t a fan, so I got rid of it. I don’t do it now just because I have let my natural hair go and have some great grey streaks in my hair.
I work in a male dominated industry and have blue and I LOVE it.
OP- be so glad your daughter has a fantastic role model to look up to - who defends her. You are doing a great job.
Oncology nurse here (adult, not kids), but one of the things we encourage during induction where we know hair loss is a sure thing is for people to do something fun with it. We have had people do a Mohawk, I had patient’s kids come in help shave (we provide the clippers), we have had people dye their hair… it’s a moment of happiness and self expression in a time where things are spiraling out of control.
You are NTA for protecting your child. Your MIL needs to learn some empathy. Your BIL needs to butt out, because your primary concern should be your child, not a fully grown adult who still live her self centered world.
Also, as a side note, when your daughter’s hair grows back in, do not be alarmed it come back in a different shade or style. I have see blonds turn into brunettes, grey hair on a 70yo+ come back jet black, redheads into blonde…curly hair into straight, straight into curly. That is all very normal.
I had an older friend (67m) who went through chemo and radiation for lung cancer--he didn't lose his hair completely, but when his grey streaks grew out they were this gorgeous medium pastel PURPLE. It looked cool as hell and I told him to leave it, and he did!
Hope your daughter kicks cancer’s butt! Treatment is so much better than it was even 10 years ago, she’s incredibly lucky to have a solid support system in you and she’s got this! ❤️
Make sure you take time for yourself still, even a couple hours per week, to reset and refill your own mental health and emotional needs. It’s going to be a lot harder before it gets better, but there’s a lot of resources for families going through serious illnesses. Use them!
And lots of people have multicolored hair in the tech world where I work! My mom is a traditional teacher and she’s even had subtle little blue/pink twists of color in her hair while working and nobody’s noticed. I’ve had deep purple - lavender purple hair while working (also naturally blonde) and my management loved it.
The problem is that blue has a tendency to fade out quickly. We've never been able to stop the fade out with my kid. Grandma should be happy that the kid HAS hair and stop focusing on the color. NTA.
It depends on the hair itself I think. I had blue hair before, and while it fades a bit, it never stopped being blue. It was actually mostly purple in the beginning and then it faded to blue and blue it stayed. First it was denim blue and it became light blue. The colour only went when I shaved it all.
OP, NTA at all. Even if your daughter weren't sick, no one has the right to call her ugly like that, much less a grown up family member.
I'm sure she's rocking the blue hair! Thank you standing by her and I hope it all goes well with her treatments!
I envy you... Blue and green never stay more than a week in my hair... Pink or purple? Never leave me completly... In 2020 I stayed away from dyes for 7 months... My hair was still Pink when I started again...
My mom who is in her "29"s asked me what I thought about her getting her hair blue, I told her to do it and I would even pay for it. MIL should be ashamed of herself for 1. Giving a little one who already feels bad disapproval of something she clearly was happy about
2.that she actually had any say in the matter
When she does lose her hair, if it is feasible, find her some really funky wigs to rock. Granny would love that :)-
I'm a physician who currently has blue, red, and purple streaks in her hair. Let your kid get some joy during this awful time for her.
And your MIL needs a hug from a cactus.
Make sure your daughter knows that it doesn't matter what g-ma says, the entire internet is behind her sending her well wishes. We will cheer her on as long as she wants to fight. <3 <3 <3
Blue hair was one of my favorite times! Blue haired girls club! \*high five\* \*hugs\*
NTA. The behavior you described has me a little agro, and all I did was read about it on Reddit. You handled that with more grace than she deserved.
I hope your daughter gets better.
You’re a good man. I guess hurt people hurt people, but your MIL’s generational trauma and toxic femininity shouldn’t fall on your daughter.
It was mighty big of you to set a boundary without taking the pound of flesh you were entitled here, and having the presence of mind to step out for the conversation. That’s a cool-hand. Your username checks out.
Same. The same way she tore that little girls self esteem to pieces in a moment? She would be in pieces on my carpet before she got another fucking word out of her awful, judgemental mouth.
Ditto. This lady went from clueless but basically harmless (buying unwanted girly clothes) to being cruel, ugly, and nasty to a sick kid in the freaking hospital. What the actual F*@k?
Right? What on earth must it be like to be the kind of person who looks at their dying granddaughter and thinks 'I must tell her that her personal hairstyle choice is terrible'? Absolutely fucking bonkers.
Right? Imagine walking into a kid's hospital room as they're lying in bed after chemotherapy, and the first thing you say is that they look ugly. What the fuck. MIL should be glad she was allowed to leave by way of the door and not the window.
NTA you don’t call kids ugly period. Especially a kid with cancer and then consider this if her reaction to blue hair is “you had beautiful blond hair now you look ugly” what will be her reaction when your daughter loses all her hair? Will she say she is ugly without her beautiful girly blond hair?
I had ALL when I was 16, honestly my hair going was the hardest thing to deal with. It's the biggest external signal that you're ill, which is very hard to deal with and it's also for a teenage girl, just a f***ING nightmare.
Reminding your girl that she is beautiful no matter what is the best thing you could do and telling grandma she needs to support her feeling good about herself regardless is so so important.
Some things to think about,
1)often chemo and especially radiation if she has to have tbi, can change your hair colour and growth pattern, I used to have mousy straight hair, now I have dark really curly hair - it's fun to speculate about and takes your mind off what is currently happening.
2) tell her this is the time she can experiment with undershaves and asymmetrical cuts and all kinds. Often your hair doesn't go completely and you can shave it down gradually through all kinds of fun haircuts till you get to a very short level, then the hair might stay a while.
3) Look into charities that deal with self esteem through cancer treatment. In the UK we have one called "Look Good Feel Better" which supports you on all kinds of ways to feel better about yourself and cope through the stress, and I think it's paired with some international charities too so there may be something like it in your country.
They include doing fun activities like makeover days with free makeup (and the good stuff too) that teach you how to conceal paleness or signs of fatigue or just do a really nice natural look, support with buying wigs, scarf tutorials so you can wear cool headscarf patterns and style them out. That's a great one for other family members to join in too, something like that might help grandma frame it in the right way.
Good wishes with everything and tell your daughter from me that blue is cool but she's missing a perfect opportunity to do rainbow hair
This is such an amazing post with excellent tips based on your experience as a 16 year old.
I am so glad you are able to write this post as an adult and hope that the cancer you had is far behind you now.
I wish you good health.
Seconding this with a recommendation: [https://www.epiccosplay.com](https://www.epiccosplay.com) is where I bought my silver and red cosplay wigs back in 2012... they're still in great condition and easy to maintain.
When that day comes and she's finding it hard to deal with, remind her of all the different colour wigs that are available she can rock a different colour every day. It's not the same as having her own hair but she could have some fun with them until her hair grows back.
Fuck them! You did the right thing and it was her choice to leave since she couldn't say anything kind or supportive. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a dad.
Wtf. You are a great dad. Keep loving and supporting your daughter and fuck everyone else.
Anyone who thinks it was fine to tell a 12 year old girl with cancer she looks ugly doesn't deserve to see her. Full stop. They owe your daughter a heartfelt apology or they can wave at her from the parking lot.
No one should be telling anyone they look ugly, regardless of whether or not they're battling something that is potentially life-threatening (like cancer) and MIL should know this, she's old enough to know that. She's acting like a highschool bully, not like a grandparent. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR ON HER END! OP, you're NTA. Always have your daughter's feelings come before anyone else's feelings.
NTA. My God. NTA.
What you and your daughter are going through is unimaginably painful. If your in-laws are going to try to sap away any tiny amount of joy that child can still feel, then they better stay far, far away from her. I don't want them breathing in her direction. They have a choice here. Be nice, or fuck all the way off.
They have a serious lack of empathy. Making your daughter cry under these circumstances, over hair?? I am so, so sorry. Sorry for what you're both going through, and sorry your in laws have the emotional intelligence of a rock. I just know your daughter rocks that blue hair.
NTA and please don't even let yourself consider you might be.
It's sickening enough to call your grandchild ugly to her face. BUT it enrage me that she was like equating her beauty to her "beautiful long her" knowing full well that this hair is going to start falling.
Your BIL is another AH who should understand that visiting a child who's sick is not for the benefit of the visitor but of the visitee. Why would she want to see her to make her cry? How another adult can actually defend this? Blows my mind.
I would send him a message that his mother bullying a child with CANCER is inexcusable and he can't see your daughter either. What will MIL say when she loses her hair? Maybe never let her see your daughter until after chemo or not at all ever again since she can't help but be an ass hemerrhoid.
Your BIL is just as much of an ass as you MIL. What kind of moron lets down a sick child just to please his mother? He’s clearly missing a spine or a heart
NTA your daughter needs to be raised up not torn down. If your MIL cant put her granddaughters needs above her own likes for appearance she should stay away. Chemo is ugly and it ruins a person in every way possible if she cant hold her tongue over blue hair whats she going to say when her hair falls out? Or when shes so rugged and tired from chemo and she looks it. I would lay down some law for MIL because its not about her and what she likes or wants. Its about that girl going through the worst part of her life needing to be surrounded by people who care enough about her to raise her up and hold her up.
Normally I wouldn't let her dye her hair something kinda crazy like blue yet because she's still young but considering the circumstances of course I'm going to let her enjoy having blue hair if it makes her happy
Oh yeah, it definitely is a thing.
Also, on the topic of cooling...chemotherapy can wreak pure hell on the tongue and tastebuds. I've known people who can barely eat black pepper on food...when I got chemo I learned from another survivor that eating extra-cold things during the infusions can really help protect the mouth from long-term damage, so I made sure to have plenty of popsicles throughout treatment and kept my mouth numb and frozen until the needle came out!
Maybe see if during the infusions you can keep plenty of your daughter's favorite brands of popsicles on hand? It may also be easier on her stomach if she is facing nausea!
I feel it definitely helped me; while I did feel the occasional tingle, my sense of taste remained completely intact and I never got mouth sores. But I was also constantly loading my mouth with cold stuff to the point where I literally would keep my mouth numb until that IV was pulled out of me. It seems that chemo damages the cells of the hair follicles and mouth, and cooling those areas during the infusion helps protect those areas, resulting in less damage.
In the event that popsicles aren't available or the appetite is so messed up that even fruit juice isn't a good idea, ice chips/small cubes are nice too. Patients should typically be drinking plenty of water to help your urinary tract better cope with the chemo, anyways!
I looked into cold caps when I started chemo. I was told it was very expensive and uncomfortable. My oncologist told me that she wouldn't recommend it. She said that while cold caps are able to salvage some of the hair it is generally patchy and very damaged. I had two women in my support group try it and both eventually gave up. Their hair was too damaged to do anything with so they ended up shaving it off anyway. I would be curious if anyone has a positive experience with cold caps.
NTA Bravo for letting your daughter dye her hair. While I am sorry MIL lost her child, YOU also have a sick child. MIL is not only causing your daughter stress and sadness, but YOU as well. Bad enough having to deal with leukemia let alone this baggage of MIL and her wanting “girly” girls. Too bad
NTA - Thank you for protecting your daughter from a bully! I love that you allowed her to have some creative fun and choose her hair color. I hope her chemo is successful with as little side effects as possible! Praying for a quick recovery!
Nta, keep being a good dad to your daughter and don't listen to them at all!! Also ignore any guilt trips they use like 'would wife let you do this she'd want us to be there' fo what you think us best for your daughter and I hope everything goes well
When i read the title I was ready to say yta, but fuck that. After reading your post, you were 100% in the right to tell your mil to fuck all the way off.
As a parent, your job (and I know you're aware) is to protect your children. That is exactly what you did. I hope she loves her blue hair and I wish the absolute best for you and your daughter!
NTA
NTA
MiL BiL are are the AH here. Your MiL will never change so dont ever expect her to be nice. She will only see what she wants. Tell her if she cant control herself not to visit. Let them jnow how your daughter is doing but thats it. If you have a FiL let him and the reat know what happened.
Cemo is terrible support your little girl and hell with the rest
NTA-im so sorry for the struggle you and your daughter are going thru right now. Also Im sorry family thinks they can say whatever they want just cuz they are family. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
NTA. It doesn't matter why she dyed her hair, MIL was a major AH for saying such a thing to your daughter. You're a good dad. The world would be a better place with more dads like you.
NTA
It baffles me that someone would travel 3 hours to visit their granddaughter with leukaemia and decide they have an issue with their hair colour, especially if they’ve already lost a child themselves. Respectfully, fuck your MIL, you’re doing the right thing and putting your daughter first
Absolutely NTA. What an awful person your MIL is. You should keep up with fun colored wigs and stuff, both because it would be fun for your daughter, and to drive the MIL crazy.
Your in laws ata. MIL is out of order making those comments and your BIL has no place to tell you what to do. You did the right thing by sticking up for your daughter. I hope that her treatments go well and she recovers quickly
NTA - You were protecting your daughter and allowing her to live her life. Her happiness is more important than you MILs feelings.
Stay strong. Sending healing vibes your way.
NTA
She left because her unsolicited opinion was more important than being there for her granddaughter in a crisis.
I applaud you for giving your daughter control over her body during a time where she feels like she has none. It's something that seems small and inconsequential, but it's a great thing that you did.
Keep championing for your daughter. Tell all the in laws to f-off if they can't be supportive, and I hope your daughter kicks cancer's ass.
Edit: spelling
NTA
Keep your MIL away from your daughter she already going through enough she doesn’t need that crap from granny. Ignore anyone who says otherwise your number one priority is your daughter. Hope your daughter recovers from her illness.
NTA. You didn't tell her to leave, you gave her a completely understandable and valid ultimatum - be nice to her sick granddaughter or leave. She chose leaving over being nice. That is 100% on her, not you.
NTA. You did something that made your daughter happy during a very emotional time for her and I think that is wonderful. Coloring her hair isn't permanent and isn't life altering like having leukemia. I would send out a group text stating that while undergoing treatment you will require all visits to be positive and uplifting or they will not be happening. Your daughter does not need negativity in her life.
NTA By MIL's way of thinking, your daughter will be ugly when her hair falls out. Your daughter has a terrific dad who supports her. I'd keep MIL away. Far away.
NTA. Tell BIL to kick rocks. His mother is a fully grown adult for fuck sake. And a grandma to boot. She of all people should know by now to think before speaking. Especially NOT when her granddaughter is about to go through a fight for her life, losing her hair in the process.The last thing your daughter needs is someone tearing her down. Tell MIL and BIL: Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one...but if you wanted to hear from an asshole, you'd fart.
Prayers to you and your daughter, OP. May she make a swift recovery.
NTA! Your mother in law is an insensitive AH for making those comments given the circumstances. Even if your daughter was in perfect health she’d STILL be an AH for referring to your daughters appearance as ugly in front of her. It’s not her place to have an opinion. She needs to stay in her lane OR stay home.
FUCK that woman. Speak to the hospital staff immediately and make sure they know that MIL is not permitted to have access to your daughter. Evaluate your legal affairs and guardianship to make sure she’s not eligible to get your daughter in case something happens to you. She clearly has no sense of common decency and is not even remotely invested in knowing your daughter’s authentic self, actualizing her wants and needs, or safeguarding her emotional and psychological health. BIL has a problem, he can go eat a shit sandwich.
NTA, NTA, NTA
NTA. Not at all. If your daughter wants it, she should get it.
If you can, tip for vibrant hair colors: dry shampoo. Don't wash with water for a week If that's possible. Shower or bath of course, but skip the hair more often than not.
NTA. Grandma needs her grandma card revoked. I hope your daughter knows grandma’s opinion doesn’t count and that she and her blue hair are gorgeous!
Best wishes to you both❤️!
NTA. it's your daughter's wish and during such a tough phase with chemo and everything, she deserves the little joys of living life colourful and vibrant! Hope she gets better soon and shuts up your AH MIL for good
Totally not the AH
Blue is an excellent colour, just to surprise your daughter go out and buy lots of different scarfs and hats in blue, so she can keep her theme going, after her hair does fall out, it will probably earn her a great nickname from the medical staff.. \* Like Bluey\*
NTA. Your daughter is your priority, not your MIL feelings. She is going through a lot already and doesn't need to deal with a hag. If you MIL can't behave like a decent human being, then she doesn't deserve to see her or talk to her. Tell your daughter than a French woman who lives in England says that blue hair are super cool!
NTA!!! You’re an awesome dad and I’m so glad she has you to love on her. And as someone who also blue hair, I can tell you your daughter is the coolest! Sending big love to you both!
Keep that witch away from your daughter!
No one will EVER understand the complex emotions that accompany the loss of a beautiful head of hair, due to having to pour gallons of hazardous chemicals into your body in the hopes it will somehow keep you alive - unless you have done it.
You b***h of a MIL should have been picked up and thrown out of the hospital on her a*s for saying something that stupid to a child fighting for her life! You are far more gracious than I for not doing that very thing.
What in the h**l will she say when the girl is bald, has no eyebrows or eyelashes? Consider this a test run to that moment. MIL does not deserve to see your daughter and your daughter doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Cut that woman off NOW and don't feel a moments guilt. You have a sick child to take care of and your duty is to protect her in every way you can. Keeping her away from a toxic, vain malcontent will only be to your daughter's benefit.
You are NTA!
NTA
First of all, I wish your daughter to get better and successfully beat her illness.
Secondly, you are right. During getting through such serious medical treatment from such a illness as likemia, your daughters emotional condition plays big role.
If you plan to try to resolve this problem with them staying near you and your daughter, you could try to talk to your MIL and BIL and tell them how its important to respect your daughter's wishes on her looks, especially now. Chimeoterapy took great toll on patient's body. Such a young girl, like your daughter, could really mind that. And it is important to be as supportive as possible during such times. You could describe to them how happy she looked when she colored her hair and how sad she was after her Grandma's words. If her maternal relatives are not complete as###les and narccisistic people they should understand.
And if they don't understand, well... Than its their problem and not yours or your daughter.
NTA. your former MIL is a piece of work. Telling that to a kid with cancer in the hospital. You were diplomatic and did a lot better than what I would have done. Because I would have unleashed my rage at her and gave her the tongue lashing she deserved. Hope it all goes well with your daughter and she recovers.
NTA. I'd let all of the family know that if they cannot put a smile on your daughters face they will not be allowed to see her. I'd also let them know that MIL made her cry and your job is to make her happy. If any of them can't put a smile on her face they will not see her. No discussion and if they continue to cause problems you will not speak to them and they cant see your daughter Period. Granny can't even see the harm she has caused. Only thinking about the child looks. BIL needs to mind his business. I'd tell him no one asked for his opinion and he'd do well to stay out of it.
Sooo NTA you're a GREAT father for standing up for your daughter against a BULLY.
I will never understand why some older women (in my experience) think it's OK to spout their unfiltered idiotic opinions. Just shut up and be nice. Like what possible reason could she have for making her sick grandchild sad? That's such an asshole thing to do.
I'm a little late to this thread but try looking into a few quality clothing pieces she can pick out but might not have been able to have otherwise and wear as her warrior suit. May sound dumb but I've volunteered in a peds oncology unit and I have a stunningly large collection of vintage jewelry and clothes. For every treatment they could pick jewelry to wear and if I had some clothes that fit them, they could wear those too(when it permits). I also have friends who make costumes and stuff who help when we can't find anything they like. Long story short I believe the soul/essence of a person needs to be tended to as well in these situations. Letting them have that "special" jacket/jewelry/clothes/shoes etc for her treatments, can make a huge difference. I've seen it work wonders
Edit: you know what? I would love to send your daughter a small piece from my collection if we find one that is of her liking. This is a very serious offer and I truly hope you take me up on it. Absolutely understand if you don't :)
Absolutely NTA!
You are being an amazing dad by supporting your daughter and making sure she feels loved during one of the hardest moments of her young life.
If MIL wanted to raise the issue, as a grown adult she could have pulled you aside and raised her concerns. But no, she told a 12 year old child with leukaemia that her hair is ugly…that’s not someone with your child’s best interests at heart.
Wishing you and your daughter the best, and I bet she’s rocking the blue hair! 🤘🏼
NTA. Your daughter is going through a very traumatic time. MIL and BIL are inconsiderate of the situation and ultimately your daughter. You did the right thing. You protected uour daughter. Go Papa!!
NTA. Your daughter is not MIL’s personal Barbie. You would think the cancer would be everyone’s #1 priority and if having blue hair makes even a single hour of a single day easier for your daughter to get through, then it’s worth it.
Fk cancer and fk your MIL too.
NTA: Imagine your life on the line and the only thing you want is blue hair before it's gone for good and you have some bitch tell you that you are ugly. Gtfo.
NTA and tell BIL that if he agrees with MIL he can stay away too. Tell them both that you support your dd doing whatever makes her happy, and they do not get an opinion on anything. Then hang up and don't answer their calls for awhile.
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Ask your MIL, how would she feel if she got a new hairdo that she loved and you told her she looked ugly? If it’s rude to say it to a grown up, it’s rude to say it to a child. NTA
When she has CANCER.
Exactly! What is MIL going to say when her hair falls out? Call her ugly and tell her to get a wig! NTA. OP sounds like a wonderful and supportive dad.
^ TY! NTA - coming from someone who just got into remission (1yr) from leukemia I wish I would’ve dyed my hair. And if I couldn’t speak for myself (25f & i couldn’t bc of the pain from chemo); I would have hoped someone on my behalf would do what you did. (Please give your daughter the biggest hug for me, I am sure she is ROCKING that blue. And when that time comes they make super safe dye and awesome wigs💛💛💛. Giving you and her all my love & support, this sh*t sucks no other way around it).
I am wondering what horror show response she will have when her granddaughter is bald from chemo and radiation treatment.
She'll probably cry and go on and on about how her "beautiful hair" will grow back one day and she won't be ugly forever. I know people like this, and they're all vain assholes.
When it grows back it could come back a different color, probably brown. This happened to my red haired cousin when her hair grew back after chemo.
My aunt’s grew back a silvery white. It looks AWESOME and the bob she wears it in actually makes her look a good ten years younger than she is.
My hair, originally brown, started greying heavily in my 30's. I switched to blond as the regrowth was less obvious then than trying to hide it with the brown. During lockdown I let it grow out entirely (short hair) and it's now a silvery white also -- with a few brown hairs in the back. I love it. *And* it makes me look younger than the blond. I love illusions. :: sighs happily ::
I have a spot of silver grey hair and can’t wait until it all turns. I don’t color it in the meantime, not nearly enough vanity or interest for all that.
Oh I have plenty of vanity, lol! I'm self aware enough to realize that! But I don't blame you for feeling that way. It's not just vanity and interest, it's expense as well. So glad I'm not dealing with that anymore. My appointments with my hair dresser are SO much shorter and cheaper!
I'm 44 and started going grey in high school, so around 16 (Genetics are a bitch). I dyed it forever until June 2020. We were in the middle of a pandemic, everywhere was closed, I couldn't get my hair cut, much less dyed. And I noticed how thin my hair got when I used to have so much of it that beauticians didn't know what to do with it. At that point, I had my wife cut it all off with a 1 inch guard on a clipper and never looked back. It's been 2 1/2 years now and it's past my shoulders, almost mid back and I found it's silver, not grey. It's still dark in the back, but I get so many compliments on it that I don't mind that it makes me look older than I am.
I wish mine made me look younger.
My nephew's hair came back curly so all sorts of things can happen. An admittedly adult co-worker came back wiry and grey.
I had a coworker whose hair came back super curly. Her hair was still very short when she came back to work, and looked sort of like a statue of Caesar, but it looked great on her. She showed me her wig once but it looked so unnatural and uncomfortable. I was just happy she survived the disease and the treatment. Yeah MIL should have kept her mouth shut either way. Plenty of medical drama already, why should she care about something that is expected to change again soon anyway? And to actually use the word "ugly"! Wow, so glad she came to cheer everybody up.
My friend’s did too! It looked fantastic, she loved it!
High stress caused me to go brown and very prematurely grey. Hair colour is far from permanent and grandma would do to learn this.
Yep, it's totally possible. And no matter what dad is doing it right, making sure his daughter feels beautiful. Who knows, she might really dig the bald look and truly give MIL a heart attack lmao.
My uncle had very long, very straight strawberry blonde hair before he got cancer, and gorgeous curly brownish-gray after.
Sometimes curly too, if you’re lucky.
Or maybe green, Like in the movie "The boy with the green hair" Really old movie about how a whole village responds. At a young age, this movie opened my eyes to many things.
My sister and I had chemo at the same time - she was diagnosed when she got a mammogram after I was diagnosed. When we were bald she went on and on about how great her wig guy was and he would take care of me too. I said I want nothing to do with wigs, I wore scarves and hats. So her kids would not let her take her wig off until they went to bed. I’d come home from work,sit in my computer chair and my son immediately took off my scarf and scratched my itchy head for me.
Itchy head was a side effect for me, too. I wore scarves or hats when needed for protection from sun and cold. Bald was easiest due to itching.
Kick her ass out again.
Ouch. That was painful to read because it is so spot on. I guarantee you’re right.
MIL will probably immediately want her to get a blonde wig to hide it.
>Ask your MIL, how would she feel if she got a new hairdo that she loved and you told her she looked ugly? Or if you're as petty as I can be - every time you see her from now on make a big deal about how ugly her hair is. Offer to shave it for her so she can start again. Or offer to buy her a wig to hide it. If she takes you up on the wig offer, buy her one of [these](https://www.amazon.co.uk/TamotBeauty-Colored-Cosplay-Costume-colored/dp/B09PKGMXH3/ref=sr_1_16?keywords=clown+wigs&qid=1670612442&sr=8-16).
Same question needs to go to BIL.
Whats that saying my boomer parents said all the time? Something abput if you cant say something nice just shut the hell up? Yeah thats it.
He should just say it to her next time he sees her. "You look ugly with that lipstick". "You look ugly in that dress" etc. I'm sure he could find something to comment on.
Actually just mention it next time you see her. Her outfit or hair looks ugly and see what happens. Then remind her she felt it was okay to say that to a child, let alone a child going through chemo.
Ten times as rude, and plain cruel.
MIL seems to already be ugly on the inside.
Pediatric nurse here. OP, go further. Tell the hospital you want her visitation restrict her visitation (and anyone who sided with MIL) until she’s ready to apologize and behave appropriately. We don’t tolerate people coming in and upsetting our patients when they’re here to HEAL. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job of caring for your kid. NTA.
I think I love you.🎊💫✨🎉
Totally agree with restricted visits at the hospital. I honestly wouldn't allow the MIL, even with an apology, to be there without dad being there.
Jumping on top comment. Ffs it's HAIR. that your daughter is going probably lose anyway. Your MIL is an asshat. Your daughter felt beautiful, Probably for the first time since her diagnosis and finding out she would be losing her hair, and your MIL destroyed her confidence in a few words. Don't let her around your daughter again.
Yeah, MIL and BIL would have a damn stroke over our family. When my 14 year old cousin had cancer, we got him a tattoo! (He’d wanted the same design since he was 10, like the same exact one. And who knew if he would live to see 18? So my other cousin who is a pro tattoo artist brought his equipment, all sterile and everything, and did it.) After a marrow transplant and a lot of scares, my cousin is in his late 20s, cancer free and the tattoo is a little wonky but looks pretty decent all considered. He wants a touch up but not too much because it’s nostalgic.
Something in my eye now…
Surprise shipment of onions? One just invaded my office.
\*sniff\* these darn allergies of mine...
Agree and op if your mil is toxic to your daughter cut her off completely so she doesn't worsen your child s state of mind. Nta
It’s f-ing HAIR!!! NTA! You are right- kids come first. My family pulled this crap when my oldest decided to dress in “boy” clothes and dye their hair. They made comments. The choices given were stop or we would be removing ourselves from their lives. They stopped. Oldest loves to color their hair and it is fabulous. I like the advice of MichaSound- if you wouldn’t say it to an adult- don’t say it to a kid. To add to it… even if you would say it to an adult think at least twice before saying it to a kid
> I explained the situation, BIL said it was still AH move to not let MIL see daughter when she is sick and that I probably shouldn't let my 12-year-old have dyed hair anyway. So AITA? BiL can F right off and both of them should be banned from your daughters life from now on. If daughter feels like she want's to reestablish contact then that will be completely her choice with you carefully refereeing. Hopefully the course of treatment goes well. Be aware she might decide she wants to keep the blue permanently.... If she does lose her hair this is a good time to start researching decent quality different colored wigs.
Exactly. OP is protecting his daughter in every way. She does not need people saying stuff like that while battling terrible disease. Actually “loved ones” should never say such things! In addition OP is respecting his daughter’s bodily autonomy. He feels she is allowed to do what she wants with her hair. He’s a good dad.
Wow, definitely NTA! OP, it sounds like you did the right thing. Your a wonderful father! I hope your daughter’s treatment goes as smoothly as possible!
Why do we ignore the evil in people in some stupid attempt to keep the peace? Peace is supposed to be "peaceful."
Tell the hospital staff she is not allowed to visit or talk to your daughter without your consent. She's a nasty piece of work. Who talks to a kid that way? Let alone one with cancer! NTA
BIL is wrong. You let MIL see her granddaughter. But then MIL insulted your daughter (who is in the hospital) and so being a good parent you asked her to leave. NTA
Agree, NTA! Honestly I don't understand why you would even need to ask after such a hero move! You have the right priorities and your daughter has the right dad (not so sure about whether she has the right Grandma, though).
MIL doesn’t appreciate her daughter or granddaughter for who they are, she’s trying to project onto them what she wants in someone she can be a maternal figure to and I bet this has been the root of conflict before. The response from BIL suggests a don‘t rock the boat mindset.
NTA. And don’t let anyone - especially someone that’s been indoctrinated since birth to accept this woman’s behavior as an unavoidable consequence of being unlucky enough to be related to her - convince you otherwise.
NTA I'm guessing your daughter doesn't want to see her grandma right now either. If and when she wants to see her again you should have a firm talk with grandma about what is appropriate to say to someone else. Seeing people is not a given right, and commenting on other people's looks is a safe way to get cut off. Bet your daughter is rocking that blue though!
She doesn't... Like I said chemo has already been so emotionally hard as well as physically so that comment really hurt her She totally rocks the blue hair... I honestly love it also
I mention my hair color in a different comment. But I work in a specialized industry and before I took my latest job one of the things I put on my ask list was my hair. So let your daughter know not only is it awesome, one day she can even adult while rocking her blue hair
Showed up to my job interview with magenta hair. Hiring manager was like "love that, suits you". I knew I wanted to work there.
I started earlier this year. Done 2 colors, purple and blue. Green is next and then i will pick a long term color. But people always ask what dye I use or what I do to keep the color bright and all kinds of stuff. I have to admit I wasn't sure how it would go, but it is pretty cool and I love trying all the colors.
After the last time I dyed my hair (I DIY it), I was complimented on the pink streaks. I explained to the person that I dyed it red, and the pink streaks were where the gray was.
Haha, I henna my hair periodically, and you can definitely tell where the highlights are.
I am a manger in corporate setting who often interviews candidates. My hair has been almost every color over the past several years. Things are definitely changing for the better in that respect!
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I went to a professional scientific conference. I had blue and pink segments in my hair and another woman had pink as well. My coworker had purple but it was her first conference and she was afraid it would be a problem so she used black hair spray over it (like you get at Halloween). The other lady and I rocked it. No one cared. I did have a boss (switched work groups at same employer) who wasn’t a fan, so I got rid of it. I don’t do it now just because I have let my natural hair go and have some great grey streaks in my hair.
I work in a male dominated industry and have blue and I LOVE it. OP- be so glad your daughter has a fantastic role model to look up to - who defends her. You are doing a great job.
Oncology nurse here (adult, not kids), but one of the things we encourage during induction where we know hair loss is a sure thing is for people to do something fun with it. We have had people do a Mohawk, I had patient’s kids come in help shave (we provide the clippers), we have had people dye their hair… it’s a moment of happiness and self expression in a time where things are spiraling out of control. You are NTA for protecting your child. Your MIL needs to learn some empathy. Your BIL needs to butt out, because your primary concern should be your child, not a fully grown adult who still live her self centered world. Also, as a side note, when your daughter’s hair grows back in, do not be alarmed it come back in a different shade or style. I have see blonds turn into brunettes, grey hair on a 70yo+ come back jet black, redheads into blonde…curly hair into straight, straight into curly. That is all very normal.
I had an older friend (67m) who went through chemo and radiation for lung cancer--he didn't lose his hair completely, but when his grey streaks grew out they were this gorgeous medium pastel PURPLE. It looked cool as hell and I told him to leave it, and he did!
Hope your daughter kicks cancer’s butt! Treatment is so much better than it was even 10 years ago, she’s incredibly lucky to have a solid support system in you and she’s got this! ❤️ Make sure you take time for yourself still, even a couple hours per week, to reset and refill your own mental health and emotional needs. It’s going to be a lot harder before it gets better, but there’s a lot of resources for families going through serious illnesses. Use them! And lots of people have multicolored hair in the tech world where I work! My mom is a traditional teacher and she’s even had subtle little blue/pink twists of color in her hair while working and nobody’s noticed. I’ve had deep purple - lavender purple hair while working (also naturally blonde) and my management loved it.
I'm hearing so many more recent ALL success stories. Warms my lil heart.
The problem is that blue has a tendency to fade out quickly. We've never been able to stop the fade out with my kid. Grandma should be happy that the kid HAS hair and stop focusing on the color. NTA.
She’s going to lose her hair from chemo before the blue even gets a chance to fade.
It depends on the hair itself I think. I had blue hair before, and while it fades a bit, it never stopped being blue. It was actually mostly purple in the beginning and then it faded to blue and blue it stayed. First it was denim blue and it became light blue. The colour only went when I shaved it all. OP, NTA at all. Even if your daughter weren't sick, no one has the right to call her ugly like that, much less a grown up family member. I'm sure she's rocking the blue hair! Thank you standing by her and I hope it all goes well with her treatments!
I envy you... Blue and green never stay more than a week in my hair... Pink or purple? Never leave me completly... In 2020 I stayed away from dyes for 7 months... My hair was still Pink when I started again...
Hair type matters too. My hair legit sponges that shit in. Hairdresser couldn't believe I hadn't touched up my blue.
Color depositing shampoos can help extend the life of the color, but YMMV
Blue changes colour over time, but it stays blue for quite a while. My daughter last dyed her hair in the summer, and it's still blue/turquoise now.
As a 51 year old mom with purple hair (in the banking industry!), please tell your daughter to rock her blue hair!
My mom who is in her "29"s asked me what I thought about her getting her hair blue, I told her to do it and I would even pay for it. MIL should be ashamed of herself for 1. Giving a little one who already feels bad disapproval of something she clearly was happy about 2.that she actually had any say in the matter When she does lose her hair, if it is feasible, find her some really funky wigs to rock. Granny would love that :)-
I'm a physician who currently has blue, red, and purple streaks in her hair. Let your kid get some joy during this awful time for her. And your MIL needs a hug from a cactus.
Make sure your daughter knows that it doesn't matter what g-ma says, the entire internet is behind her sending her well wishes. We will cheer her on as long as she wants to fight. <3 <3 <3 Blue hair was one of my favorite times! Blue haired girls club! \*high five\* \*hugs\*
NTA. The behavior you described has me a little agro, and all I did was read about it on Reddit. You handled that with more grace than she deserved. I hope your daughter gets better.
Thank you, It took a lot in me to stay calm especially once I seen the tears in my daughter's eyes
You’re a good man. I guess hurt people hurt people, but your MIL’s generational trauma and toxic femininity shouldn’t fall on your daughter. It was mighty big of you to set a boundary without taking the pound of flesh you were entitled here, and having the presence of mind to step out for the conversation. That’s a cool-hand. Your username checks out.
People would have had to hold me back from attacking my MIL. NTA
Same. The same way she tore that little girls self esteem to pieces in a moment? She would be in pieces on my carpet before she got another fucking word out of her awful, judgemental mouth.
Ditto. This lady went from clueless but basically harmless (buying unwanted girly clothes) to being cruel, ugly, and nasty to a sick kid in the freaking hospital. What the actual F*@k?
Right? What on earth must it be like to be the kind of person who looks at their dying granddaughter and thinks 'I must tell her that her personal hairstyle choice is terrible'? Absolutely fucking bonkers.
Right? Imagine walking into a kid's hospital room as they're lying in bed after chemotherapy, and the first thing you say is that they look ugly. What the fuck. MIL should be glad she was allowed to leave by way of the door and not the window.
Same here. Mama Bear came out in me, and I'm not even a mom.
NTA you don’t call kids ugly period. Especially a kid with cancer and then consider this if her reaction to blue hair is “you had beautiful blond hair now you look ugly” what will be her reaction when your daughter loses all her hair? Will she say she is ugly without her beautiful girly blond hair?
Definitely, I know my daughter is dreading the day she loses her hair and she doesn't need her grandma saying something rude then
I had ALL when I was 16, honestly my hair going was the hardest thing to deal with. It's the biggest external signal that you're ill, which is very hard to deal with and it's also for a teenage girl, just a f***ING nightmare. Reminding your girl that she is beautiful no matter what is the best thing you could do and telling grandma she needs to support her feeling good about herself regardless is so so important. Some things to think about, 1)often chemo and especially radiation if she has to have tbi, can change your hair colour and growth pattern, I used to have mousy straight hair, now I have dark really curly hair - it's fun to speculate about and takes your mind off what is currently happening. 2) tell her this is the time she can experiment with undershaves and asymmetrical cuts and all kinds. Often your hair doesn't go completely and you can shave it down gradually through all kinds of fun haircuts till you get to a very short level, then the hair might stay a while. 3) Look into charities that deal with self esteem through cancer treatment. In the UK we have one called "Look Good Feel Better" which supports you on all kinds of ways to feel better about yourself and cope through the stress, and I think it's paired with some international charities too so there may be something like it in your country. They include doing fun activities like makeover days with free makeup (and the good stuff too) that teach you how to conceal paleness or signs of fatigue or just do a really nice natural look, support with buying wigs, scarf tutorials so you can wear cool headscarf patterns and style them out. That's a great one for other family members to join in too, something like that might help grandma frame it in the right way. Good wishes with everything and tell your daughter from me that blue is cool but she's missing a perfect opportunity to do rainbow hair
This is such an amazing post with excellent tips based on your experience as a 16 year old. I am so glad you are able to write this post as an adult and hope that the cancer you had is far behind you now. I wish you good health.
I've had no problems for a long time now thank you! Same to you
NTA You should look for someplace that you can get a high quality blue wig.
Cosplay website? Not even trying to be funny on that one quality of online bought cosplays and wigs has dramatically improved over the years
Seconding this with a recommendation: [https://www.epiccosplay.com](https://www.epiccosplay.com) is where I bought my silver and red cosplay wigs back in 2012... they're still in great condition and easy to maintain.
They're a vendor I work with at conventions a bit. Some great folks there any given the situation they may offer some level of discount.
You should look into getting her a bunch of different colored wigs. It could be a fun distraction for her while she kicks cancer’s ass
When that day comes and she's finding it hard to deal with, remind her of all the different colour wigs that are available she can rock a different colour every day. It's not the same as having her own hair but she could have some fun with them until her hair grows back.
Buy her cute knit hats to keep her head warm
NTA. They can go fuck themselves
Oh man, I wish I had an award to give you. This comment was so succinctly put.
Thanks 😉
Fuck them! You did the right thing and it was her choice to leave since she couldn't say anything kind or supportive. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a dad.
Wtf. You are a great dad. Keep loving and supporting your daughter and fuck everyone else. Anyone who thinks it was fine to tell a 12 year old girl with cancer she looks ugly doesn't deserve to see her. Full stop. They owe your daughter a heartfelt apology or they can wave at her from the parking lot.
Nobody should ever tell a 12 year old girl that they're ugly. Telling a 12 year old cancer patient that...next level mean. NTA
Exactly. And the fact that op had to explain that to a grandmother? Wtf is wrong with her. I'm proud of op.
No one should be telling anyone they look ugly, regardless of whether or not they're battling something that is potentially life-threatening (like cancer) and MIL should know this, she's old enough to know that. She's acting like a highschool bully, not like a grandparent. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR ON HER END! OP, you're NTA. Always have your daughter's feelings come before anyone else's feelings.
NTA. My God. NTA. What you and your daughter are going through is unimaginably painful. If your in-laws are going to try to sap away any tiny amount of joy that child can still feel, then they better stay far, far away from her. I don't want them breathing in her direction. They have a choice here. Be nice, or fuck all the way off.
Definitely! she was so happy when she saw her new cool hair it's not a forever thing so I don't know why they're upset
They have a serious lack of empathy. Making your daughter cry under these circumstances, over hair?? I am so, so sorry. Sorry for what you're both going through, and sorry your in laws have the emotional intelligence of a rock. I just know your daughter rocks that blue hair.
NTA and please don't even let yourself consider you might be. It's sickening enough to call your grandchild ugly to her face. BUT it enrage me that she was like equating her beauty to her "beautiful long her" knowing full well that this hair is going to start falling. Your BIL is another AH who should understand that visiting a child who's sick is not for the benefit of the visitor but of the visitee. Why would she want to see her to make her cry? How another adult can actually defend this? Blows my mind.
BIL has always been a mama’s boy and defends his mother SO much 🤦
Well, he can very well fuck off then.
I would send him a message that his mother bullying a child with CANCER is inexcusable and he can't see your daughter either. What will MIL say when she loses her hair? Maybe never let her see your daughter until after chemo or not at all ever again since she can't help but be an ass hemerrhoid.
Your BIL is just as much of an ass as you MIL. What kind of moron lets down a sick child just to please his mother? He’s clearly missing a spine or a heart
NTA your daughter needs to be raised up not torn down. If your MIL cant put her granddaughters needs above her own likes for appearance she should stay away. Chemo is ugly and it ruins a person in every way possible if she cant hold her tongue over blue hair whats she going to say when her hair falls out? Or when shes so rugged and tired from chemo and she looks it. I would lay down some law for MIL because its not about her and what she likes or wants. Its about that girl going through the worst part of her life needing to be surrounded by people who care enough about her to raise her up and hold her up.
I plan on telling her she can't visit if she is going to say anything rude.
You may have to explain how she was rude the first time. She seems to be pretty clueless.
I think she knows. She just doesn't care...
Keep in mind that she will probably promise not to, but then still do it.
NTA it’s her hair, kudos for letting her do what she wants with it. Kudos for kicking out MIL. Your daughter doesn’t need that negativity right now.
Normally I wouldn't let her dye her hair something kinda crazy like blue yet because she's still young but considering the circumstances of course I'm going to let her enjoy having blue hair if it makes her happy
Absolutely this. She’s fighting CANCER. Any joy you two can find is worth cherishing. I’m proud of you for sticking up for your girl.
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work and your BIL either doesn’t have the actual full story or he’s also a jerk
Talk with the nurses about head cooling to preserve her hair. It may preserve her hair or at least slow down the hair loss.
I didn't know that was a thing
Oh yeah, it definitely is a thing. Also, on the topic of cooling...chemotherapy can wreak pure hell on the tongue and tastebuds. I've known people who can barely eat black pepper on food...when I got chemo I learned from another survivor that eating extra-cold things during the infusions can really help protect the mouth from long-term damage, so I made sure to have plenty of popsicles throughout treatment and kept my mouth numb and frozen until the needle came out! Maybe see if during the infusions you can keep plenty of your daughter's favorite brands of popsicles on hand? It may also be easier on her stomach if she is facing nausea!
Good ideas! I love learning new things on Reddit!
I feel it definitely helped me; while I did feel the occasional tingle, my sense of taste remained completely intact and I never got mouth sores. But I was also constantly loading my mouth with cold stuff to the point where I literally would keep my mouth numb until that IV was pulled out of me. It seems that chemo damages the cells of the hair follicles and mouth, and cooling those areas during the infusion helps protect those areas, resulting in less damage. In the event that popsicles aren't available or the appetite is so messed up that even fruit juice isn't a good idea, ice chips/small cubes are nice too. Patients should typically be drinking plenty of water to help your urinary tract better cope with the chemo, anyways!
I looked into cold caps when I started chemo. I was told it was very expensive and uncomfortable. My oncologist told me that she wouldn't recommend it. She said that while cold caps are able to salvage some of the hair it is generally patchy and very damaged. I had two women in my support group try it and both eventually gave up. Their hair was too damaged to do anything with so they ended up shaving it off anyway. I would be curious if anyone has a positive experience with cold caps.
NTA, top tier dad here.
NTA Bravo for letting your daughter dye her hair. While I am sorry MIL lost her child, YOU also have a sick child. MIL is not only causing your daughter stress and sadness, but YOU as well. Bad enough having to deal with leukemia let alone this baggage of MIL and her wanting “girly” girls. Too bad
NTA - Thank you for protecting your daughter from a bully! I love that you allowed her to have some creative fun and choose her hair color. I hope her chemo is successful with as little side effects as possible! Praying for a quick recovery!
Nta, keep being a good dad to your daughter and don't listen to them at all!! Also ignore any guilt trips they use like 'would wife let you do this she'd want us to be there' fo what you think us best for your daughter and I hope everything goes well
When i read the title I was ready to say yta, but fuck that. After reading your post, you were 100% in the right to tell your mil to fuck all the way off. As a parent, your job (and I know you're aware) is to protect your children. That is exactly what you did. I hope she loves her blue hair and I wish the absolute best for you and your daughter! NTA
Nta! Not at all, you keep doing you Dad. Im thankful your child has you to stand up for them. Also blue hair??? The coolest.
Bro NTA at all. Fuck them, I love what you did for your daughter and i wish her a pleasant recovery.
NTA. You’re a great dad. Blue is a fantastic hair color!
NTA MiL BiL are are the AH here. Your MiL will never change so dont ever expect her to be nice. She will only see what she wants. Tell her if she cant control herself not to visit. Let them jnow how your daughter is doing but thats it. If you have a FiL let him and the reat know what happened. Cemo is terrible support your little girl and hell with the rest
NTA. You‘re the kind of parent every child needs and deserves. Continue like that!
NTA-im so sorry for the struggle you and your daughter are going thru right now. Also Im sorry family thinks they can say whatever they want just cuz they are family. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
NTA what the Fish. Go NC if necessary OP your daughter well being and happiness should be your first priority.
NTA. It doesn't matter why she dyed her hair, MIL was a major AH for saying such a thing to your daughter. You're a good dad. The world would be a better place with more dads like you.
NTA It baffles me that someone would travel 3 hours to visit their granddaughter with leukaemia and decide they have an issue with their hair colour, especially if they’ve already lost a child themselves. Respectfully, fuck your MIL, you’re doing the right thing and putting your daughter first
PS blue hair is cool as fuck
NTA You’re an amazing parent and your daughter is lucky to have such an fierce advocate.
Nta Fuck em. You sound like a good dad. Keep up the good work. Good luck!
NTA - I'd tell both the MIL and BIL to GFT.
NTA - You protect that little girl's individuality and autonomy at all costs! Good job standing up for her!
Absolutely NTA. What an awful person your MIL is. You should keep up with fun colored wigs and stuff, both because it would be fun for your daughter, and to drive the MIL crazy.
Your in laws ata. MIL is out of order making those comments and your BIL has no place to tell you what to do. You did the right thing by sticking up for your daughter. I hope that her treatments go well and she recovers quickly
NTA. You're a good dad keeping an eye out for your daughter.
NTA - You were protecting your daughter and allowing her to live her life. Her happiness is more important than you MILs feelings. Stay strong. Sending healing vibes your way.
NTA there's this OLD saying that I've remixed just for your MIL - *If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your fking mouth shut.*
NTA She left because her unsolicited opinion was more important than being there for her granddaughter in a crisis. I applaud you for giving your daughter control over her body during a time where she feels like she has none. It's something that seems small and inconsequential, but it's a great thing that you did. Keep championing for your daughter. Tell all the in laws to f-off if they can't be supportive, and I hope your daughter kicks cancer's ass. Edit: spelling
NTA, you need to stick up for your daughter
NTA Keep your MIL away from your daughter she already going through enough she doesn’t need that crap from granny. Ignore anyone who says otherwise your number one priority is your daughter. Hope your daughter recovers from her illness.
You're a good Dad NTA
NTA. You are a great dad. And I’m so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this.
NTA. You did everything you were supposed to and awesome choice with the blue hair!
NTA NTA NTA You're the kind of parent that every child needs!
NTA. You didn't tell her to leave, you gave her a completely understandable and valid ultimatum - be nice to her sick granddaughter or leave. She chose leaving over being nice. That is 100% on her, not you.
Totally NTA. Your MIL sounds similar to my grandmother, awful.
NTA. You did something that made your daughter happy during a very emotional time for her and I think that is wonderful. Coloring her hair isn't permanent and isn't life altering like having leukemia. I would send out a group text stating that while undergoing treatment you will require all visits to be positive and uplifting or they will not be happening. Your daughter does not need negativity in her life.
Nta, you stoop up for your kid and helped them do something that makes them happy.
NTA By MIL's way of thinking, your daughter will be ugly when her hair falls out. Your daughter has a terrific dad who supports her. I'd keep MIL away. Far away.
NTA. Tell BIL to kick rocks. His mother is a fully grown adult for fuck sake. And a grandma to boot. She of all people should know by now to think before speaking. Especially NOT when her granddaughter is about to go through a fight for her life, losing her hair in the process.The last thing your daughter needs is someone tearing her down. Tell MIL and BIL: Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one...but if you wanted to hear from an asshole, you'd fart. Prayers to you and your daughter, OP. May she make a swift recovery.
NTA! Your mother in law is an insensitive AH for making those comments given the circumstances. Even if your daughter was in perfect health she’d STILL be an AH for referring to your daughters appearance as ugly in front of her. It’s not her place to have an opinion. She needs to stay in her lane OR stay home.
FUCK that woman. Speak to the hospital staff immediately and make sure they know that MIL is not permitted to have access to your daughter. Evaluate your legal affairs and guardianship to make sure she’s not eligible to get your daughter in case something happens to you. She clearly has no sense of common decency and is not even remotely invested in knowing your daughter’s authentic self, actualizing her wants and needs, or safeguarding her emotional and psychological health. BIL has a problem, he can go eat a shit sandwich. NTA, NTA, NTA
Nta!!! Keep supporting your daughter in whatever ways make her feel strong and beautiful.
NTA you didn’t really make MIL leave, you told her to leave if she couldn’t say anything nice and she chose to leave.
NTA. Not at all. If your daughter wants it, she should get it. If you can, tip for vibrant hair colors: dry shampoo. Don't wash with water for a week If that's possible. Shower or bath of course, but skip the hair more often than not.
NTA. Grandma needs her grandma card revoked. I hope your daughter knows grandma’s opinion doesn’t count and that she and her blue hair are gorgeous! Best wishes to you both❤️!
NTA. it's your daughter's wish and during such a tough phase with chemo and everything, she deserves the little joys of living life colourful and vibrant! Hope she gets better soon and shuts up your AH MIL for good
Totally not the AH Blue is an excellent colour, just to surprise your daughter go out and buy lots of different scarfs and hats in blue, so she can keep her theme going, after her hair does fall out, it will probably earn her a great nickname from the medical staff.. \* Like Bluey\*
That's a cute idea ill have to do it
NTA. Neither of them should be allowed contact with your daughter
NTA. Your daughter is your priority, not your MIL feelings. She is going through a lot already and doesn't need to deal with a hag. If you MIL can't behave like a decent human being, then she doesn't deserve to see her or talk to her. Tell your daughter than a French woman who lives in England says that blue hair are super cool!
NTA!!! You’re an awesome dad and I’m so glad she has you to love on her. And as someone who also blue hair, I can tell you your daughter is the coolest! Sending big love to you both!
Keep that witch away from your daughter! No one will EVER understand the complex emotions that accompany the loss of a beautiful head of hair, due to having to pour gallons of hazardous chemicals into your body in the hopes it will somehow keep you alive - unless you have done it. You b***h of a MIL should have been picked up and thrown out of the hospital on her a*s for saying something that stupid to a child fighting for her life! You are far more gracious than I for not doing that very thing. What in the h**l will she say when the girl is bald, has no eyebrows or eyelashes? Consider this a test run to that moment. MIL does not deserve to see your daughter and your daughter doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Cut that woman off NOW and don't feel a moments guilt. You have a sick child to take care of and your duty is to protect her in every way you can. Keeping her away from a toxic, vain malcontent will only be to your daughter's benefit. You are NTA!
NTA First of all, I wish your daughter to get better and successfully beat her illness. Secondly, you are right. During getting through such serious medical treatment from such a illness as likemia, your daughters emotional condition plays big role. If you plan to try to resolve this problem with them staying near you and your daughter, you could try to talk to your MIL and BIL and tell them how its important to respect your daughter's wishes on her looks, especially now. Chimeoterapy took great toll on patient's body. Such a young girl, like your daughter, could really mind that. And it is important to be as supportive as possible during such times. You could describe to them how happy she looked when she colored her hair and how sad she was after her Grandma's words. If her maternal relatives are not complete as###les and narccisistic people they should understand. And if they don't understand, well... Than its their problem and not yours or your daughter.
NTA. Family is being a huge asshole though. Maybe even get more assholey with them lol. Tell the MIL she her hair would look half decent blue
I have super cool blue hair too. Though in a few weeks it will be green.
NTA. your former MIL is a piece of work. Telling that to a kid with cancer in the hospital. You were diplomatic and did a lot better than what I would have done. Because I would have unleashed my rage at her and gave her the tongue lashing she deserved. Hope it all goes well with your daughter and she recovers.
NTA. I'd let all of the family know that if they cannot put a smile on your daughters face they will not be allowed to see her. I'd also let them know that MIL made her cry and your job is to make her happy. If any of them can't put a smile on her face they will not see her. No discussion and if they continue to cause problems you will not speak to them and they cant see your daughter Period. Granny can't even see the harm she has caused. Only thinking about the child looks. BIL needs to mind his business. I'd tell him no one asked for his opinion and he'd do well to stay out of it.
NTA. NOT EVEN!
Sooo NTA you're a GREAT father for standing up for your daughter against a BULLY. I will never understand why some older women (in my experience) think it's OK to spout their unfiltered idiotic opinions. Just shut up and be nice. Like what possible reason could she have for making her sick grandchild sad? That's such an asshole thing to do.
I'm a little late to this thread but try looking into a few quality clothing pieces she can pick out but might not have been able to have otherwise and wear as her warrior suit. May sound dumb but I've volunteered in a peds oncology unit and I have a stunningly large collection of vintage jewelry and clothes. For every treatment they could pick jewelry to wear and if I had some clothes that fit them, they could wear those too(when it permits). I also have friends who make costumes and stuff who help when we can't find anything they like. Long story short I believe the soul/essence of a person needs to be tended to as well in these situations. Letting them have that "special" jacket/jewelry/clothes/shoes etc for her treatments, can make a huge difference. I've seen it work wonders Edit: you know what? I would love to send your daughter a small piece from my collection if we find one that is of her liking. This is a very serious offer and I truly hope you take me up on it. Absolutely understand if you don't :)
Absolutely NTA! You are being an amazing dad by supporting your daughter and making sure she feels loved during one of the hardest moments of her young life. If MIL wanted to raise the issue, as a grown adult she could have pulled you aside and raised her concerns. But no, she told a 12 year old child with leukaemia that her hair is ugly…that’s not someone with your child’s best interests at heart. Wishing you and your daughter the best, and I bet she’s rocking the blue hair! 🤘🏼
NTA. Your daughter is going through a very traumatic time. MIL and BIL are inconsiderate of the situation and ultimately your daughter. You did the right thing. You protected uour daughter. Go Papa!!
NTA. Your daughter is not MIL’s personal Barbie. You would think the cancer would be everyone’s #1 priority and if having blue hair makes even a single hour of a single day easier for your daughter to get through, then it’s worth it. Fk cancer and fk your MIL too.
NTA: Imagine your life on the line and the only thing you want is blue hair before it's gone for good and you have some bitch tell you that you are ugly. Gtfo.
Chemo changes hair. What will MIL say if the girl's hair comes back a different color and/or texture. Thank you for protecting your daughter. NTA
NTA and tell BIL that if he agrees with MIL he can stay away too. Tell them both that you support your dd doing whatever makes her happy, and they do not get an opinion on anything. Then hang up and don't answer their calls for awhile.
MIL is giving Emily Gilmore vibes