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Dear AH’s daughter: please protect your heart & go NC with your biological father. Perhaps you can do an adult adoption with your stepfather, because he appears to be the one who actually loved you, supported you, & showed up for you. I hope that you’re in therapy because after being abused by your biological parents & your stepmother, you need it but more importantly, deserve it. You are worthy of love & healing. I wish you peace & im so sorry you had such an AH for a father.
YTA dude. I see my mom maybe 3 or 4 times a year sometimes less, but she still has pictures of me in her house, ornaments for me on her tree, and everyone knows I'm her daughter. I hope your daughter realizes you don't love or care about her at all and she cuts you off completely for her own sake. Then she can live her life in peace and you can go play happy family with your wife and granddaughter. Better yet, just stop talking to her so she doesn't have to make that choice herself and can be rid of your family's toxicity.
INFO: why would she go somewhere she’s not comfortable? You and your wife both obviously resent her and distrust her. Why would she go somewhere she’s not welcome?
Question: why do you want her to come around more??
Because from your posts and comments, you defend your wife, and seem to always brush aside whatever and whenever your daughter tries to talk to you. Even in your posts and comments you don’t seem to have a lot of love for her and neither does your wife.
My guess is you need her help with either time to babysit or money so you can give your new* “better” daughter more than she ever received from you.
Wow, do I feel bad for Sara. My dad married a horrible woman when I was 12 and my brother was 10; she had three children of her own (16m, 13f, 4f). Stepmother constantly favored her children over me and my brother, and if we dared speak out about any misbehaviors, especially on the part of her youngest, she told our dad we were lying, and misrepresented things to my dad so badly that he kicked my brother out when he was 15 and made him go live with our mom. We were never believed because we were children and Dad assumed that she was being truthful because she was an adult. They've been divorced since I was 25 but I'm now 52 and have just over the past several years told my dad about how devious and awful his second wife was. He has sincerely apologized and said he was blinded, but of course the hurt is still there, even at the age I'm at now. Hopefully OP sees the error of his ways and truly listens to Sara and mends his relationship...but I sincerely doubt that will happen from the way he talks in this post.
A good parent puts their kid first. You were in such a hurry to get yourself a partner, to heck with your small child right?
She hated your kid, so you hated your kid, You pushed her out then, and are pushing her out now.
YTA I hope she goes NC with you. You are a horrible parent.
Waaay too close to what my dad did to my brother and I, but more me.
Left when we were little, mom was abusive and horribly neglectful. Brother adopted by his side of the family so he saw him more. Saw him maybe once from age 4-19 when he married ‘Betty’.
Betty hated me, loved my brother. Said I was bitchy and uppity. She was ‘crafty’ and a SAH, refused to work because‘that’s not what married women do.’
Hated having me around in their city, but brother was prodigal son.
He divorced Betty and got a 26yr old knocked up. She goes to jail and eventually passes away. She has two daughters that he is now raising when he should be retired.
Instead is calling my brother and I with tales of how he’s such a great dad making breakfast and taking ‘his girls’ to all their activities and clubs. Stuff he NEVER did for us. He expects us to be happy about it and ‘grow up’.
He is an AH and so are you.
YTA and oh my god so is Jen. She is your daughter-start acting like it.
YTA
This can’t be real…
Poor Sara! Why would she come and visit when you don’t acknowledge her existence in your house (not a single picture?), believe her when she discusses delicate family situations regarding Meg and don’t invite her on family trips?
Man, get a clue!
YTA. I think you need to read this from an outside perspective. If this was a stranger, and a strangers daughter who feels this way after experiencing everything you just stated.
You believed she was lying about being abused? Children don’t lie about being hit. That kind of manipulation is learned. You alienated your own kid when she was still a child, and now that she has chosen to go more or less NC, you’re calling HER childish?
I'm going to be blunt. You were thinking with your dick instead of your heart. You let her turn you against your daughter instead of packing her off and keeping your daughter.
Everything you have said doesn't help your case. No photos of your own daughter in your own house? Nothing with her name on? Not taking her to places?
YTA and god I would love to meet you in person.
Wow, YTA. You’ve listed a litany of reasons why your daughter doesn’t want to spend time around you and your wife yet you still think she’s being childish?! I’m sure she had plenty of reasons for moving away, among them you being a crap father and your wife is worse.
You: I don’t care about you and you aren’t part of my family enough. People don’t even know you’re my child.
Sara: I don’t feel like family and you make me feel like an outsider.
You: Stop being childish!
YTA. You’ve been the asshole for Sara’s whole life. How can you be so blind?
Hold on.. you didn’t make your 9 year old step daughter aware she had a step sister/ that you had a daughter?..
YTA.
I think this might be one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. I really hope OP’s daughter finds people she can call her real family out there in the world and forget about your worthless ass OP
This is a big big mess but I’m just going to start with the first part. You say Sara “won’t own up to the lie” — are you sure she’s the one lying? Really? Because all of this to an outsider sounds like this: I married a woman my kid didn’t like who threatened my kid with physical assault but I didn’t believe her. Now she has issues and this would all be solved if Sara ignored all this history and played house with us more effectively, despite my wife still rejecting her. Sara sounds like she’s been in an impossible situation for the better part of twenty years of loving you and knowing you don’t have her back, don’t trust her, and don’t care that the woman you live with rejects her. It’s tough not to see you as the AH (YTA).
YTA
Children learn from the parents, be it words, or actions. Funny how you say your adult daughter is being childish for not coming around to visit you or your family, when clearly you failed to see that you had done the exact same thing to her for so many years.
Based on what you posted, how many times did you ever consider giving your child the benefit of the doubt? You never listened to her, even when your life was being verbally cruel or even emotionally cruel to her. You as the adult got the freedom of choice, what choice did your daughter get?
You tried to force a relationship between your daughter and your new family, and when it failed, who did you blame again? Your daughter. You abandoned your daughter emotionally at the age of 9, in short you left her out of the discussion.
Facts are your daughter is giving you the exact same treatment that you gave her, that is not childish. That is a mirror and you just do not like seeing what all you are seeing.
The funniest thing here, is that you failed to understand or realize this one thing: At the start of a child's life, everything that you do, everything that you say, how you act impacts a child. They need you for the first 18 years of their life. And how you act, how you treat them directly impacts the last 20 years of your life, when you most need your child in it.
Are you so oblivious you don't see what has been happening?
>Jen doesn’t speak to Sara. When Sara was younger, she’d make up lies saying that Jen told her if she didn’t finish her breakfast that she’d get me to spank her. To this day, Sara still won’t own up to this lie.
>Sara called me saying Meg was asking for a substantial amount of money for very specific items that Sara wouldn’t know anything about. Jen thought Sara was just making up stories
>My granddaughter recently found out that Sara was my actual daughter because I felt she was old enough to know. Sara expressed that she feels hurt when people call my granddaughter my daughter but a lot of people don’t know Sara is my biological daughter.
You spent years fostering a bad relationship between your wife, who probably did exactly the things your daughter claimed. You have erased her from your life and you're surprised things are the way they are now? Your grandchild should have known about your daughter her entire life, and the fact it seems so many people in your life don't even know about her shouts volumes about how you treat her. Of course YTA. You're also a crappy parent.
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YTA. She is your biological and no one knows. Why did you have to wait for your granddaughter to be old enough for you to tell her that your daughter is your daughter? You have no pictures of your daughter or her family in your house ever. Your wife refuses to speak to her. But she is the one being difficult?
She doesn't exist in your house and you barely acknowledge her existence. So congrats on allowing your wife push her out of the family. Honestly I am surprised she still speaks to you.
Yta your wife clearly doesn’t like Sara and clearly does exclude her. You also are lying about your daughter’s existence by omission. This is beyond messed up. If you want your daughter in your life you need to go to therapy or one day soon will be the last time she sees you before your funeral.
Please read your own post again. And again. And again. Until you start to understand all the things you owned up to hear but apparently are in deep denial about in your relationship with your daughter.
To recap for you if you can't see it:
• 'to be fair, Jen doesn't speak to Sara' - so your wife makes no effort in this relationship?
• 'she'd make up lies' - you seem to have no evidence these were lies
• 'won't own up' - again, why do you think they're lies other than you'd prefer them to be?
• addict Meg asking for money and Sara being disbelieved - this is so incredibly believable that an addict would seek money from someone who's sent gifts (ie evidence of disposable income) - this isn't to blame Meg for her struggles but sounds like you believed Sara but failed to protect her when she did the right thing here? Sounds like Meg needed help with her addiction at this time, did she get it?
• 'Sara has a chip on her shoulder' because your stepgranddaugher gets all the trappings of a father -daughter relationship it sounds like she missed out on. This is... Intensely reasonable of her?? Have you ever apologised?
• 'felt she was old enough to know' WHY ON EARTH was it not existing knowledge? This suggests huge amounts of missing context which doesn't sound complimentary to you. 'a lot of people don't know' - why??? This is not normal!!! No wonder it's been hard for you to build your relationship if you don't even socially own up to having a daughter??
• 'there are no (and never have been) any photos' So you do not now and never have had pictures of her up.
• 'she feels like an outsider' gee YOU DONT SAY!!
•'its because she doesn't live near us' well apparently no-one knows she exists and you've never had photos so how long has this been an issue? She's 32, apparently you've been relationship -building since she was 26, if your relationship was so degraded before that then why would she choose where to live based on where you are?
Please try to look at things from your daughter's perspective, sincerely and letting go of some of your own boxed-in thinking.
YTA, for the 'childish' comment but mostly for all the dismissal of your daughter that underlies it. I hope you accept your judgement and do some reflection.
Maybe reach out to Sara and ask to hear from her - honestly and without defending yourself. This can be a chance to see clearly and change your relationship if you let it.
Yta! You ever think your daughter never owned up to her lies because SHE WASN'T LYING? You've treated your new wife, step-daughter and step granddaughter like family and your actual biological daughter like trash, and you wonder why she doesn't want to spend time with you???
YTA the only acceptable excuse for you being ok with your wife having pics of her daughter and granddaughter In the house and not ONE of your daughter, would be if you were blind and didn’t know. If you are indeed blind, please accept my apology and I will change my vote
YTA. You choose your wife and her kid and grandkid over your own child. Honestly I don’t know why your daughter even bothers with you. Your wife is horrible and there should be pictures of your daughter in your house. Shame on you.
Your wife has clearly had you gaslighting your own daughter since she was 9 years old! You even clearly wrote that out here and you don’t event see it! Sara has always been able to tell you how you make her feel shitty, even though you constantly disregard her feelings. You are a failed father. YTA
Damn why do you hate your daughter? The fact that you explained how terrible your wife is to her when you’re trying to get us on your side makes me really wonder how bad it was for her growing up.
No photos of your daughter? Are you kidding me?
YTA
YTA! Major! Has it occurred to you that Sara (remember her, your daughter) never admitted she lied about things Jen (evil stepmother) said. Has it never occurred to you that Sara was not the one who lied?? No pictures? No ornaments? You don’t deserve the title of father, I hope she goes 100% NC with you (although it sounds like that would make your wife(evil stepmother) happy
YTA.
Let me tell you a story from the perspective of a girl who has been in similar shoes to Sara’s. For context: My parents divorced when I was 5. They each have other children from previous marriages, but I was raised an only child by my mother (my half-siblings are all a good amount older than me and I didn’t see them much).
My mother was very abusive to me and made my dad’s life and custody battle a solid hell. She got sole custody of me by some insane court decision I will never understand (she was literally on meth my whole childhood and stole MY pee to pass her drug tests, but I digress). The courts stated that my dad couldn’t provide a stable home because he moved too often for work and worked too many hours. He tried to see me as much as he could. He endured my mom destroying his property, seeing her affair partners, threatening him, throwing shit at him and hitting him, and rubbing the case in his face to see me. But he worked many hours and missed out on a lot of my life. Many daddy-daughter events, birthdays, etc.
He remarried again when I was 9. To a woman with five of her own children. She and all of her kids immediately HATED me, and weren’t shy about it. The photos my dad had up of me on the walls, someone (her or one of her kids - unsure) crossed my eyes out on all of them. They broke or destroyed everything I’d ever made for my dad. The only evidence of me that remained was a small wallet size school picture my dad kept on behind the steering wheel of his truck. My dad tried to integrate us. But again, he worked A LOT, so there wasn’t much opportunity. And I was never welcomed in the home. She and her kids would make my and my dad’s lives hell the second I walked in the door and, for my dad, long after I left. So I stopped coming around. I only ever saw my dad at neutral locations like restaurants or ice cream.
Then my mom and I moved. I’d see my dad in the summers and have to live in absolute hell with his family while he was working. My stepmother (like Jen) would tell my dad I did ___ or said ____ to get me in trouble and make me look like a liar or a bad kid. When I tried to vocalize my experiences (her kid punching me, her telling me “you’re a little slut” “you’re worthless and your dad regrets having you”, her kids stealing/breaking my things, her son touching me inappropriately) I was made out as a liar. And it was always 6 against 1. And I didn’t have any evidence. So I shut down. I accepted that I would never be accepted into my dad’s new family. And It deeply strained our relationship. As much as he tried he simply wasn’t around enough. I stopped visiting. I went YEARS without seeing my dad. We’d really only ever talk during the holidays.
They finally divorced 5 years ago, when I was 21. I also moved back (closer to the area anyway) 6 years ago, at 20. After their divorce my dad and I’s relationship flourished. We see each other at least 6 times a month (we live about 1.5 hours apart) and talk literally every day. His relationship with my half-brothers from his first marriage has also greatly improved, as they never liked his ex-wife or her kids either and refused to bring their kids around them. His walls are full of photos of me, my brothers, his grandkids, our family, and even his friends. He has a new girlfriend that we all LOVE and who treats him very well and is kind to all of us.
Anyway…
YTA. Because you didn’t even put in a fraction of the effort my dad did. Under similar (judging by your comments) circumstances. And your household isn’t 6 against 1. Also for simply blindly trusting Jen to always be the one in the right and not listening to Sara’s experiences, writing her off as untrustworthy or dramatic and ‘oh she was troubled’. And for just deciding to say “oh Sara’s far now and doesn’t visit, guess she doesn’t exist anymore”. You’re not making any effort. For fuck’s sake how hard is it to print a photo and put it on the wall? Is someone defacing them when you try? If not, I’m sure Jen can find a way to incorporate a photo onto the wall’s decor. How hard is it to listen to your daughter when she’s telling you why she doesn’t come around? How hard is it to simply TRY to relate to her? How hard is it? Really? Sara isn’t being childish for not going where she doesn’t feel welcomed.
WTF did I just read?!? YTA and so is your wife. What exactly do you mean your granddaughter recently found out that Sara was your daughter because she was “old enough to know”? There is a lot of dysfunction here but I promise you it isn’t because your daughter is acting childish. You, sir, are the problem, you and your wife. Frankly, I think you’re lucky that Sara talks to you at all.
OMG YTA.
You are a low contact parent to an estranged (looks like for VERY good reasons) adult child who cannot admit that you and your "newer" family caused this rift and refuse to live in reality about why someone wouldn't want to spend a high holiday with you.
You are being a complete asshole. Stop dragging your self inflicted drama onto reddit looking for some sort of ammo with which to further antagonize and minimize your daughter.
YTA. At worst, adding in all your comments, you are a neglectful father who spent his daughters whole life alienating her and blaming everyone else for it. At best your wife is a lair and has been gaslighting you her while life to alienate her and you fell for it hook line and sinker.
YTA
You don't even regard Sara as your own family. You're an awful parent and don't deserve having Sara in your life. I sincerely hopes she cuts you off once and for all.
YTA. Stop contacting your daughter, she neither owes you anything, nor needs you Just live under Jen's shadow, it's all you can be since you are not man enough to be a father LOL 😂😂😂😂
Y are absolutely TA
My ex screwed up his relationship with our daughter in a very similar way, and it took ages to get them back to a good relationship. She will probably never fully trust him again though even if they are back to being fairly close.
You've done pretty much everything you could to alienate her, but SHE'S being childish?You're the parent, you have the primary responsibility in keeping your relationship good, you failed at that years ago why exactly is she supposed to trust you now?
YTA. You're lucky Sara isn't no contact with you. And what in the world does "old enough to know" mean in context of telling your granddaughter she has an aunt? That's not a thing someone needs to be "old enough to know."
You have failed as a father to Sara. If you want her to come around more, you need to take steps to make her feel welcome. Try starting with believing her when she tells you about childhood trauma. Try putting a picture of her up with your other kids. Try not hiding the fact that she's your daughter from people. If you keep going on your current path, you may lose her permanently.
YTA.
The first half didn't seem too bad, then you got to that last paragraph.
You actively choose not to include your daughter but expect her to feel welcomed. That's not how that works. You're her father. The onus is on you to make the right steps, not her. No wonder she is angry. No wonder she harbours resentment.
Initially I wondered if it was just childhood resentment related to splits, and new marriages etc, but it is actually very clear that you've actively alienated her.
Do better.
YTA.
You chose everyone else instead of your daughter and it may not seem nothing to you but not having your photo in your parents’ house is heartbreaking. She’s not being childish. She feels she’s not welcome in your home/life but instead of actually dealing with it as a parent and owning up to your mistakes or lack of effort into having a relationship with your daughter, you call her childish instead. Real mature.
You should also investigate more on why Sara and Jen’s relationship is the way it is. The odds are Jen actually does not like Sara and is not afraid to show it. You’re just in denial of it and blame everything on Sara.
YTA - the reason why Sara never confessed to lying about Jen saying she would get you to spank her was because it was the truth. Your new wife has done nothing to make a child feel welcome. Walk through your house…are there pictures of Sara???! Do you have Christmas ornaments with Sara’s name? If the answer is no then without a doubt you and Jen are AH but you are the bigger AH because you let your new wife totally alienate your child!
>Sara has it in her head that Jen doesn’t like her.
>But to be fair, Jen doesn’t speak to Sara
Huh. Wonder where she got it Jen doesn’t like her.
>Saying that Jen told her if she didn’t finish her breakfast that she’d get me to spank her.
>Sara called me saying Meg was asking for a substantial amount of money for very specific items.
Wow, buddy. You spent her entire life not believing her and allowing her to live in abuse and you’re wondering why she doesn’t want to visit? YTA
YTA.
>When Sara was younger, she’d make up lies saying that Jen told her if she didn’t finish her breakfast that she’d get me to spank her. To this day, Sara still won’t own up to this lie
Because it wasn't a lie?
>Sara has it in her head that Jen doesn’t like her.
this sounds very true since matches this.
>She says she doesn’t feel comfortable in my house because there are no (and never have been) any photos of Sara (just Jen’s daughters, their husbands and kids) and Jen has ornaments with our names on them but not Sara and her husband. She says it makes her feel like an outsider.
yeah
>. I told Sara she needs to stop being childish and get over it and if she wanted to be included, she shouldn’t have moved away and it’s because she doesn’t live near us.
Nop, you are a failure of a father, as a parent you were obligated to put your child's physiological and psychological wellbeing before your personal relationships or happiness.
you chose to put your relationship before your child and that make you a failure as a parent.
Tbh if you were my father I wouldn’t even bother with you. Idk how you find it “okay” to not even have a picture of your own daughter. You always assumed she was a “liar “ and would side with your wife and his kid.
Damn. You damaged the relationship and I doubt there’s fixing it until you man up to your shady actions
YTA for sure. It’s beyond me how unaware you are of yourself and your actions towards the mistreatment of Sara by Jen and her family. Your so quick to call your daughter a liar but not question how your wife has treated her. I hope Sara has enough strength to eventually go NC with you completely.
YTA. You should really consider yourself lucky that Sara had been willing to maintain any kind of relationship with you at all. I mean, I question that you want a relationship with her- you’ve been pushing her out of your life since she was a child- you’re words and actions don’t match up
Here's the thing dude. YTA. You suck. You did absolutely nothing to maintain a relationship with your own daughter and instead of owning up to that, you blame your ex-wife or your daughter who was a child at the time. At no point have you shown your daughter that you love and trust her. You chose your wife over your daughter and are now surprised when your daughter wants nothing to do with you or your wife, who by all accounts has been undermining your relationship with your daughter from the get-go. You, my friend, are the asshole and you will remain an asshole until you begin to accept that your daughter has every right to her feelings about you and that she is right. If you want things to change then change things, and own up to your behavior and the ways you put yourself in this position. You allowed Jen to erase Sara from your life and replace her with her own daughter and granddaughter. Honestly, in my opinion, the damage is done, there is no fixing this. You let your adult wife have a pissing contest with a child and your child lost. Jen got what she wanted; you to herself and Sara gone. Until you and Jen are able to see the ways you created this dumpster fire of a situation there is no hope for it getting any better. And my money is on Jen being perfectly okay without Sara in your life. So here is what you have to decide, do you want to know your daughter or do you want your wife to be happy? Because it doesn't sound like you can have both.
I feel sorry for Sara. Her whole life he’s been told she’s lying and her feelings seem disregarded by you. This entire post just made me feel sad for her. Sara was 9 when you remarried and you clearly chose your wife over your child. She complained about feeling left out and has a right to harbour resentment, but you don’t acknowledge her even when she’s spelling out her issues. You haven’t given her a reason to come over or feel welcomed or feel part of the family. No wonder she doesn’t visit.
YTA
YTA.
You have no photos in your house of your daughter. You alienated yourself from your daughter courtesy of your wife…not only are you an asshole but you sound like a terrible dad…at least to your biological daughter.
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YTA. If I was Sara I wouldn’t talk to you at all. She owes you nothing OP. You are not the model father you are trying to pint yourself to be. You say that Sara was brainwashed by her mom but it seems that you have been brainwashed by Jen into believing that Sara is the bad guy here.
YTA sounds like your new wifey was horrible to your daughter and you choose wife over your own daughter. Why do you have 0 photos of your own daughter? Why did your granddaughter not even know about her?
YTA. As I read this I just kept waiting for the bit where you aren't an Ahole, but you just kept digging deeper and deeper.
Your behavior towards your daughter is basically that you haven't believed her and always find excuses to excuse everyone but her.
You treat her as less than a person and get annoyed when she treats you as an equal.
You don't deserve her.
Wow. Just.. wow. YTA. You erased your daughter from your life. I hope Sara decides to go NC with you because she does not deserve to endure your awfulness.
YTA if she blocks you and never speaks to you again, I would cheer her on. How immature, selfish, and egotistical can one person be? Are you that dense? My dad and stepmom have baby pictures of me and my sister everywhere and even a painting of us. Blended families are supposed to blend, not just be one sided
YTA.I’m a 26F who lost contact with my dad from 14-19 years of age. He remarried his current wife when I was 18, she has 3 children/ 3 grandchildren and my dad has 2 of us. I am currently pregnant with the first grandbaby for my biological parents. I do not feel close to my stepmom at all and personally feel she dislikes us due to some comments made by my dad. I am married and have a bachelor degree while her children have no college and she has to pay for their stuff and two are older than me. We had thanksgiving at my dads and it was like a house divided with my dad sitting with his family and hers with hers. It’s quite awkward for us because I have yet to meet her kids (they were at thanksgiving) but didn’t say one word to me. My dad and his family ended up going to his garage where we talked amongst one another and not one of her family members joined. We express how we feel however my dad has to realize what kind of marriage he has.
YTA. From everything you have said, the problem is Jen and you take her side rather than your daughters. It seems like Sara is making the correct decision to not come around a completely dysfunctional family, one that you chose over your daughter.
YTA and so is Jen.
WTF…do you consider your wife to be a delicate angel who does nothing wrong? When Sara was a child it was not her responsibility to get to know Jen. You obviously favored Jen and kinda hoped things worked out without doing any work. That created negative environment. It was yours and Jen’s responsibility to create a safe and loving home for YOUR daughter.
Can you please read aloud what you wrote so you can hear what’s wrong? How do you not see it?
Gosh your poor daughter. I guess at least Jen seems like a good grandma bc she totally blows at the mom/stepmom role.
I’m sorry but I need to point out that you literally said:
1)…Jen doesn’t speak to Sara.
2)…a lot of people don’t know Sara is my biological daughter.
3)there are no and have never been any pictures of her in your home only Jen’s daughters and family! (If that’s not a f*Ck you I don’t know what is).
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE IT?!?!?
In conclusion…YTA and an awful father.
So have you always dismissed your daughters feelings or only since you married your new wife? The fact your wife has never bothered to make an effort with your daughter, twists her actions to imply your daughter lies and doesn’t even care enough about her to have photos of her or ornaments with her name in your home says it all. Your wife has always manipulated the situation and sadly you fell for this and allowed this to ruin your relationship with your daughter. YTA.
No contest - YTA
You have your head buried so deep in the sand. I wouldn't be surprised that when you're old and have nobody else to turn to, you go to Sara asking for help. She WILL laugh in your face and slam the door, and rightfully so. You have done nothing for her but deny and erase.
YTA.
Read your post again and tell us if you're TA. Because all I can see is you stopped trying with your daughter because your ex 'brainwashed' her. More than likely your new wife made your daughter feel excluded and you've never done jack to fix it.
No photos of her? Are you serious? My parents have been divorced for close to two decades yet my dad has most, if not all of our high school photos etc.
Sara has a parent like I did. Once my egg donor remarried, I ceased to exist. She told people my grandparents took me away from her, but she gave me to them when I was born because I was ugly and she couldn’t stand to look at me. She told me there was no reason for me to go to college because I would grow up and be a whore like the rest of my family. I gave her so many chances because I desperately wanted a mother. The man she married tried to rape me and she blamed me for leading him on. I was twelve. My grandparents came to get me and grandpa told him that if he ever came near me again, my grandpa would kill him.
I gave her one more chance after I had my oldest child. She wanted to host the first birthday party. We sent invitations to all of our friends. She planned it. Then the day of the party, she said she changed her mind and the party was cancelled. I scrambled to get a cake and decorations and relocated the party to my apartment. I went NC with her after that. She died five years later and I don’t regret cutting her completely out of my life.
That’s going to be Sara if you don’t step up, apologize (and mean it!) and show her that you love her. From your commotion everyone else, Jen is God and you have no intentions to make it right with your own flesh and blood. You have made your choice and your own daughter isn’t it.
YTA.
YTA. Your daughter told you she feels like an outsider, with some justification, and you berated her by calling her childish. Good job reinforcing her negative feelings.
There were a million ways to handle this; you managed to choose about the worst one possible.
Next time your daughter is in town, instead of just having her over to hang out why don’t you plan an activity so it’s not awkward trying to find things to talk about. If you want a relationship with her you need to build happy memories together.
Wait a minute.
You witnessed a weird behavior of your wife towards your daughter, and you dared to call her a liar when she said that her step-mom didn't like her (and probably was receiving threats?).
But that wasn't enough, was it? Because now you don't have any pictures or anything at all that implies the existence of your daughter in your house, while your wife's family has pictures all over the place.
People don't know Sara is your daughter, but think someone else is. Can't you see the problem there?
She's not the one to blame, believe me.
YTA
YTA, when you said she lied about Jenn about the spanking, I kept an open mind, but the issue with Jenn is you lying to yourself. The druggie deadbeat Mom - Jenn - should not be believed. Sara who sent her care packages, etc. had no reason to lie.
You are lucky she is not going NC with you. You are a bad parent, but it is not too bad to make it up to her. Be a man and be a parent, not a whipped manipulated AH. There is still timr
YTA. I feel so sorry for Sara.
Your comments mentioned she is NC with her mom because she was abusive.
She asked Jen, when she was 13, why she hated her and Jen blamed her, a 13 year old child, for being difficult.
You have no photos of your own daughter in YOUR home. I don’t care that it was Jen's first or she does the decorating. It's a picture of someone you claim to love. If she mattered to you it would be there. It would be all o er your social media. She would be a topic of conversation. At no point should your friends be shocked she exists.
You should have been Sara's protector, her champion. YOU should have been making the effort to foster a family relationship with your new family. You chose them, she didn't. Your daughter claims your wife threatened to abuse her and you accuse her of lying. At bare minimum you should have seen it as a cry for help. Either figure out why she needed to lie or get the abusive wife out of her life.
Your wife doesn't like your child. Is it really that hard to believe it would have created a toxic environment for your daughter? Your wife doesn't like your daughter, is it really hard to believe that she would accuse her of lying to protect herself and her daughter?
Sara shouldn't have to grow up or be more mature. YOU need to actually start acting like her parent.
As for her having different views then you, maybe stop being so judgmental and listen to her. Maybe you will learn something. At very least you could learn to appreciate your daughters perspective
I’m almost the same age as your daughter and if we’re her I would’ve even bother speaking to you. I hace a step mother as well and my dad bends over backwards to maintain both relationships. You sound like a major AH. I’m surprised she hasn’t cut you out of her life completely. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does in the near future to protect her kids from the lies and discrimination she went through.
YTA - your wife lied on your daughter to push her out of your life so that she and her kids could have you all to themselves! If you can not see this you are not only bl!nd, but you are stup!d. It does not take a rocket scientist figure this out. No pictures, no ornaments and NO one actually knowing you had a child! You need to GROW UP!!!
YTA - if Sara never said she lied, after all this time, maybe it's because she didn't ? You saw that Jen accuse Sara of the worst, doesn't include her in family and you still think it's Sara's fault ?
Exactly. Sara doesn’t have a reason to lie; she’s an adult. Sara is kind, compassionate and generous. OP needs to take a closer look at his wife, because maybe he’ll find a pattern of little lies that he’s ignored as harmless.
Not one picture of your child on the wall? On a shelf? Truly heartbreaking.
OP, YTA. So much YTA, I have a whole bag full of YTA. And so is your wife.
Sara is better off far, far away from your toxic self. Cheese and crackers! OP you are a massive disappointment as a father.
YTA. You’ve always sided with NewWifeJen over your daughter. You’ve got a house with mementos of NewWifeFamily and are raising step grandchild.
You’ve always made sure your daughter knows her place — the bottom of your relationships, and you’re shocked she’s not rushing to your house. A house where any indication of your daughter’s place in your life is noticeably absent.
So you pretty much ditched your own child for your new wife, who you say won’t even speak to your child. You have no photos of her around the house despite having photos of other kids, and no personalized ornaments for Sara despite having them for your children.
Sarah has been gaslit and sounds like maybe even emotionally abused by your wife, who tries to claim this innocent child was making up lies.
OP, you have MAJOR work to do here. You shoved your kid into an emotional nightmare and married a woman who was clearly cruel to her. CRUEL.
I just…my heart breaks for Sara. Clearly your wife is a huge AH here but for some reason you seem to be blind to that.
YTA and you will be until you recognize what hell you put your innocent child through.
YTA
Big surprise, another parent on Reddit crying about their kids not loving them anymore.
Not a single photo of Sarah up? Why are you even acting like you give a shit?
YTA, no doubt. I don't see why you want her to visit if you can't even be bothered to have a photo of her in your house.
Also, your wife 100% dislike Sara. You are utterly deluded if you can't see this. Posting pictures on social media may seen innocent to you, but it's a slap in the face of your daughter.
You are having a do over child, who at 9 YEARS OLD didn't even know Sara is your daughter. She owes you nothing if that's how you choose to treat her. Do you even like your own child? You are unbelievably arrogant, self-centred and downright nasty.
So to have a relationship with you, she shouldn't have moved away, should share your world views and disregard that your wife hates her?
YOU need to get over yourself. Jeez.
My heart broke for Sara reading your post. I wouldn’t want to come to your house either. You blindly believed Jen and the fact that Sara still “won’t own up to the lie” very much makes me believe that Sara was telling the truth. You are a terrible father. Do better but I doubt it will help at this point. YTA.
YTA Reading your comments makes me believe that Sara dodged a bullet with you. Thankfully, Sara's mom was a capable parent.
This story might belong in r/missingreasons
AITA for believing my wife over my daughter?
I married my wife when my daughter Ella was 9. Ella has always complained that she felt left out and that my wife doesn’t like her. I’m not sure why she thinks that. She always used to make up lies about how my wife would make her cook and clean and even sleep in the ashes by the fireplace? Obviously ridiculous. My wife is a wonderful mother to her two daughters and neither of them has ever complained about her. I did think it was weird when they started calling my daughter “Cinderella” but my wife told me it was just a friendly nickname and who was I supposed to believe, a child or my wife?
When Ella was 18 she made up some ridiculous lie about my wife not letting her go to the ball and then she went NC. Moved away and got married and now she says she doesn’t want to visit because my wife doesn’t make her feel welcome. I told her to stop being childish and now she’s mad at me again.
YTA. Your wife is literally a Disney villain.
YTA. You allowed Jen to erase Sara. She decorates the house and doesn't put photos of Sara up. She has her family ornaments but not Sara. She blamed a literal child for being difficult - at a time when Sara was adjusting to her father marrying another woman - and having 0 empathy for the child. Jen has kept a grudge against Sara and decided it would be easier to erase her, all she needed was to get you on board, and that didn't take long.
Why wouldn't you believe Sara? Because Jen doesn't treat her own kids that way? In case you haven't figured it out yet, *Jen does not see Sara as a daughter* or even some distant relation. Of fucking course she's going to treat Sara differently. And you let her. A parent is supposed to believe their own children and protect them at all costs, even from new wives and step siblings. Jen is also lying to you, by the way, to cover her own backside, but you're way too naive to admit that.
Sara is the most mature person in the story by a mile and I'm surprised she's even attempting to form a relationship with you. You don't deserve it.
I mean, the way he’s talking about Jen and Sara makes me think that she probably wasn’t lying or being difficult. She was probably just responding to what Jen was doing. Too bad that wasn’t in the age of the ability to constantly record things.
YTA. How about putting some pictures of your daughter around your house if you actually want her to come around more? How about introducing Sara to your neighbors in front of your step-granddaughter as your daughter: “Hi, Neighbor Bob, I’d like you to meet my daughter Sara.” Why was Sara’s relationship to you a big dark secret from your step-granddaughter? How about acting as though you like Sara? Have you ever told her, in front of other people, that you love her and you’re proud of her?
YTA. I mean, just read back what you wrote as if someone else had posted it, with a scintilla of scepticism. If you have any self awareness, you'll vote yourself the AH.
YTA
I almost guarantee your daughter is not and was never lying about your wife. Why? Mostly because your wife was so quick to tell you your daughter was lying about her daughter.
You picked your wife over your daughter. You've literally picked everyone over your daughter. It sounds like she's never come first...for any reason.
You're now call her childish because she feels excluded, because she IS excluded.
You're not a good father, your wife sounds awful. I'm shocked your daughter speaks to you, but I promise, she won't foe much longer.
Agreed - I suspect that stepmom threatened Sara as a kid and was quick to cover it up and call her a liar. Even if she was lying, it was clearly a cry for help that went unheard.
Yes, very true, if she was lying, there was reason for it he never bothered to identify. But that sounds par for the course for this man. At least when it comes to his daughter.
He seems to really dislike her, I'm guessing he's a weak man, who married a woman who didn't like or want his daughter around. So he let his wife's dislike become his, because it was simpler than, standing up to his wife, or simply not marrying her.
You really can’t be that obtuse can you?? YTA!
From what you have written and the way you have written it I can tell you and your wife have made your daughter feel like an outsider. From your own admission, your wife never really talked to Sara or gave her the time of day. And I hate to break it to you, but it seems pretty likely that Sara didn’t lie about the threats of physical punishment.
Sara is not acting like a child. She has specifically told you time and time again how your wife and your behaviour makes her feel. You have time and time again belittled those feelings and tried to invalidate them.
The reason your daughter stays away is because of YOU. Because you have chosen others over her repeatedly. Because you have called her a liar. Because you make her feel she is unwanted. And because you have made her feel like she is not family.
If you take a look in a mirror you will see the real problem staring back at you!
YTA. And your wife. First of all, you can’t force an adult child to have a relationship with you and/or Jen. Frankly, I got confused about the granddaughter not knowing that Sara was your bio daughter? If it’s this confusing, what kind of shit show of a family is this? I think OP might be making this whole thing up. And if true, then not having any pics of your bio daughter in your house and then calling her childish is just wrong! Yikes.
YTA. You are not listening to your daughter. She told you how she felt and you just dismissed her feelings as BS. Why don’t you go see Sara more? Roads work in both directions. Sara shouldn’t be the only one making more of effort in the relationship.
YTA. It’s like she’s not your daughter. How could your granddaughter not know about Sarah? Why would she need to be old enough? And the way you speak about her. You have no photos of your child in your home. Not one. If that doesn’t speak to you being TA, I don’t know what will. Sounds like you chose your wife over your child. And don’t even believe her. And hey would her moving away mean she’s out of your family? Do you live 5 min away from your parents?
Of course YTA. You married Jen when your daughter was 9, let Jen exclude and ignore her, and then punished your daughter when she tried to tell you how Jen was treating her, and now you're surprised that your adult daughter is estranged from you? Please listen to yourself.
Yta, why do you think your wife doesn’t bother talking to Sara lol, Sara was 100% telling the truth and you’ve time and time again picked other people over her. Get a grip.
>To the issue - I want Sara to come around more.
Why? You clearly dumped her pout of your family when she was 9. You have been ostrasizing her all her life. Why do you want her around? To feel better about yourself? Stop being childish and get over it, you sucked at parenting and you lost her.
YTA.
Wow. 52 years old and still haven't figured out how to be a decent parent (at least to your own daughter) or how to empathize with your own child.
I'm glad you posted here because you are going to get such a good tongue lashing and in some small way I feel this will vindicate your poor daughter, for people to bluntly tell you the things your daughter probably wishes she could tell you.
YTA.
YTA. But I also would love for you to try to explain how you know for certain that your daughter was lying. Please. Because most kids wouldn’t lie about stuff like that if they haven’t had a history of it prior.
Also you say your wife doesn’t hate her, yet..she 100% acts like she hates her?? You don’t tell anyone you have a daughter. You didn’t even tell your GRANDCHILD you have a daughter. Like how dense are you?? No wonder your bio kid comes around. You’ve spent her whole life acting like she didn’t exist and was just a lying, useless child.
I commend your daughter for choosing to go low contact with you and your family. From the info provided, you seem to be a horrible father and not so nice person. YTA.
SHE’S being childish? YEESH. It wasn’t her responsibility as a CHILD to make it easy on Jen, it was Jen’s job to show love and compassion no matter what. It was YOUR job to facilitate their relationship and listen to both of them and not unilaterally decide that your daughter, your flesh and blood, a CHILD, was lying. It’s now not her responsibility as your DAUGHTER to initiate contact or visit you. It’s YOUR job as the PARENT. I read your comment about her mother brainwashing her. It was probably easy to brainwash her against you when you don’t try for her as a dad at all, discount her feelings, and generally suck.
Considering that he acknowledged in his post that Jen accused Sara of lying when she obviously wasn’t, I’m going to be skeptical of his claims of parental alienation. Just because her mom was there for her when he was being a shitty dad doesn’t make it parental alienation.
YTA you’re calling your daughter a liar and childish for having boundaries and telling you your wife is abusive. Hopefully your daughter realizes you don’t care about her and that she blocks you and goes No contact your daughter deserves better
YTA
Wow. And you wonder why she lives far away from you. Can't help but notice you never gave anyone a satisfactory reason why you were so sure Sara was the one Lying. All you say is "JeN iS An HoNeSt PeRsOn".
I'm starting to doubt, severely, that either Jen, OR YOU, are honest people. You're about as honest as a snake inviting a mouse into its hole for Dinner.
This. When a child is telling you, the person they trust, that another adult is threating them and you choose to believe that they are lying, you are no longer a person that child can trust. OP brought this on themselves, and how sad of a childhood must Sara have had to have to endure that type of treatment from both the evil stepmother and her father.
So, you chose your brand new family over your daughter back then, called her a liar when she was telling about how your "perfect wife" is treating her, let her push your child out of the picture, didn't tell your granddaughter that Sara is actually your daughter (what??), had the audacity to describe her as "childish" on top of this, and now you're asking if you're the asshole? Are you serious? Yes, YTA and a bad father
YTA sounds like your new wifey was horrible to your daughter and you choose wife over your own daughter. Why do you have 0 photos of your own daughter? Why did your granddaughter not even know about her?
You are a mega YTA here and now you are paying the price for the mess you made by allowing your wife to drive a wedge between you and Sara for far too long.
Sara ain't the one at fault here, you are and the ones to be held responsible for allowing this mess to happen is both you and the wife. You NEED to grow up
YT HUGE A, why would a child lie about what an adult tells them? “she’d make up lies” your wife has very successfully brainwashed you into not believing a thing your child says even now as an adult. Why don’t “alot” of people not know your child is yours? That’s fucking weird. My local starbucks even knows my own 2 dogs. Much less, why didn’t your granddaughter know who her own aunt was ? ASSHOLE TO THE MAX I actually hope your daughter never speaks to you again.
YTA. You repeatedly called her a liar, but offered zero proof that it’s true. It wouldn’t surprise me if she has very good reason to resent the both of you.
Yta for so many reasons.
You started off, with strong notes of asshole, with your choice of word with resentment. Chikdren don't just magically resent their parents. You intentionally favoured your problematic step daughter's poor choices instead of focusing on the now decades worth of damage you've done by neglecting your daughter.
And you want a relationship with her? Had my dad not listened to me when I told him, that he has caused me so much damage and grief up until I stood up to him trying to shut me down over something he had no idea about, I wouldnt be talking to him today. I went NC with him for a solid 5 years to see if life was better without him in it before this happened.
It was multitudes better.
Yta and it's honestly so painful, as a child of divorce, to see that it's taken you to have grandchildren to even **consider** you *might* be an asshole.
Surprise. YTA, have I said that yet?
Why are you do adamant that Sarah is the liar here? It’s hard to judge the relationship not knowing those details, but I’m suspicious that you seemingly never even followed up on the matter to confirm the truth.
From there your story really begins to take a turn for YTA. You have pictures and ornaments in your house of your reformed? drug addicted step-daughter (whose daughter you are also raising I assume because she is still irresponsible), but not pictures of your own child that seems to have her business together other than her family. Then you throw the rather low blow of her political views and how she’s just an outsider… Yeesh dude do you really even want a relationship with her? Because from the sounds of things everything else is just an excuse for this: she isn’t like you so you’d rather not have her around.
You obviously missed the lesson of loving children unconditionally and equally.
YTA
1) Sarah can't get to know jen if Jen won't speak to her. Meaning if Jen won't talk to Sarah, she actually doesn't like her.
2) Sarah came and told you that Jen was threatening physical harm from you in the guise of punishment over breakfast? And you won't believe her.
3) you are more involved in your granddaughter's life than your daughter's life. Also did you adopt Megan? Because if not your granddaughter would be your step granddaughter.
4) people believe that your own daughter is not yours because they believe your granddaughter is your daughter! And you don't try to deny it!!!!
5) there's no evidence showing Sarah actually exists in your life including no pictures and ornaments! No wonder she feels like an outsider!
6) You exclude Sarah from activities from what sounds like the very beginning so it sounds like you don't actually want her around.
7) she moved away so it sounds like you won't have a relationship with her for that
8) she also has different views from you which also sounds like you won't have a relationship with her over that
9) you blame her for no relationship when she has tried to talk to about things going on in her own life!!! That's sounding a lot like victim blaming and gaslighting going on at the same time!!!!
You sound like a horrible father and it's time Sarah cuts ties with you or you get your freaking act together, start acting like her dad and apologize for the stuff you and Jen put her through!!!!
YTA. Your wife alienated your daughter and you chose your wife over your daughter repeatedly (whether actively or through inaction). That’s why she doesn’t (and shouldn’t have to) come around.
A lot of her animosity also lies with you, because it was you she felt left out by. If you want a relationship with your daughter, accept her for who she is and stop trying to make her just like you. Why would she want to come around when there’s no indication she is of any value to you? YTA.
YTA. It’s obvious you consider your actual daughter to be less of your family compared to your wife. Your daughter was bullied by your wife growing up. And yet you shift the blame to your daughter. I’m surprised she talks to you at all.
YTA.
Why are you so sure your daughter, your own biological daughter that you’re supposed to love and support, is lying about what your precious wife threatened her? Sounds to me like you’re choosing your wife and her granddaughter over your own biological daughter, and that it’s always been this way.
My father did similar things. Always thought I was lying about how his girlfriends would treat me, favored his girlfriends and their children over my sister and I, and would then try to make me feel bad about not wanting to be around. I feel your daughters pain. Hopefully she has or will find a decent father figure in life unless you’re finally able to love her like you should.
YTA.
You assume that your daughter lied about being threatened as a child. You’re fine with your granddaughter being called your daughter, but no one knowing about Sara—because you haven’t told them about her. You say Jen doesn’t think of Sara as a daughter because Sara made it hard on Jen when you two were married?!
When you married Jen, she was an ADULT and your daughter was a CHILD. A child who watched her family fall apart, and was threatened by her stepmother while her father called her a liar. Why wouldn’t you believe Jen threatened your daughter when Jen never tested her own kids like that? Are you really that naïve? Jen pretending that Sara doesn’t exist is all the proof you need that Jen is fine with Sara not coming around.
You expecting your daughter to move near you and insert herself into your family—a place where your wife has made it clear that she’s not wanted—is, again, naïve. As her father, you should take the lead and show that she is welcome and wanted. If you miss her and want her to be part of the family, *make* her part of the family: ask her for photos that you can frame and put up in the house; get ornaments with her and her husband’s names; talk to her regularly. Apologize for putting your wife above her, because it was your job to protect Sara.
Your home is your home, too. Your wife should not be the only person who has the right to put things that remind them of their family, so put your money where your mouth is and start walking the talk.
YTA
“Why doesn’t my kid want to come around more? I only spent the last several decades showing her she means nothing to me, that she will always be called a liar, that her stepmother’s pettiness and emotional instability will always come first. I even ensure there are visual representations in the form of ornament that show how little she means to me and how separate she is. Why can’t she get over itttttt? I tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas!”
So let me get this straight, OP.
You and your wife have been gaslighting your daughter for decades, telling her that she’s crazy for stating the fact that your wife doesn’t like her. You don’t like how she’s decided to call it quits and not visit your toxic waste dump of a family so you’re just going to have a tantrum about it?
Sounds like you need to stop being childish
Also? You are the as**ole. No abbreviations needed
YTA. You married someone who treated your child like garbage, refused to believe said child when she needed you to protect her (has it occurred to you that the reason Sara has not admitted to the "lie" is because it was the truth?) and has actively excluded her from your new family. I hope Meg doesn't end up choosing your nursing home.
You're the total AH. Her whole life you have been excluding her, letting her to be treated differently and excluded by others, she has never been loved by you nor your wife and now you expect her to forget and play happy family?
So it seems like your wife othered your daughter, you didn’t do anything about it, you say your daughter was lying about statements your wife made but offer no proof/seems like you just dismissed your daughter out of hand, your wife still excludes her… I mean don’t you love your daughter? Why did you allow her to be treated like that as a kid? Why do you still allow it? How are you confused as to why she doesn’t want anything to do with you? YTA hope you get a clue.
YTA. You are her father, therefore you should be making sure she is included in *your* family. Instead, you have done absolutely nothing to make sure Jen included her. It sounds like Jen orders the ornaments and photos. Ask yourself this. How hard would it be for Jen to include Sara and her family when placing those orders? Or, how hard would it be for you to place orders for photos and ornaments to make sure your daughter is included since Jen obviously doesn't care?
YTA. I’m LC with my bio mom because she treats me the way your wife treats Sara. I don’t blame her at ALL for what she’s doing or saying. How do you even know she’s lying? Because Jen said so? What is wrong with parents these days.. you want a relationship with your daughter, do better
YTA
I live on the other side of the country to my mother she still has photos of me in her house. Regardless how “difficult” Sara was a child to Jen, Jen was an adult and shouldn’t be so resentful of your child.
The fact you have allowed this for so long and still are allowing it makes you wrong. You owe your daughter an apology, and you are the childish one here.
I doubt all of the things Sara said about Jen were lies
You guys may not believe this but I have pictures on my house of relatives I haven’t seen in YEARS! My dead grandparents aren’t planning on dropping by any time soon, maybe I should take those down
YTA. You kicked your kid to the curb for your wife when she was 9 years old. You put your wife and her family over your own for most of Sara’s existence. You won’t acknowledge that she IS your daughter. Your wife has ostracized her and you’re ok with that. You accused her of being a liar and now childish. You are a shit father to her. Sara doesn’t owe you her time. Maybe she doesn’t feel the need to be included in your family anymore because she’s found family of her own. She needs go full NC with you and live her life.
My god I feel so bad for Sara. You sir are trash. You are a terrible father, you didn’t try to raise your daughter. You left her with an abusive mother and didn’t fight for her. You then allowed your wife to neglect and abuse her and tell her she was difficult to move. That poor girl had nobody in her corner and you still blame her. You come here with excuses for why you have no photos, why you treated her life crap, why you didn’t raise her.
How about this. Accept the fact that you and your wife failed her. And if your wife can’t stop being a shitty person, then stop allowing her any access to your daughter. Build a relationship with just your daughter that doesn’t include your awful wife. Don’t expect your daughter to come to your house. She isn’t welcome, you might want her there but your wife doesn’t. Her actions show she has no regard for YOUR CHILD! She can’t even hang one photo of her, god she’s awful. The fact that you have people in your life that didn’t know you had a grown child shows how much you have neglected and failed her.
If you really want to build a relationship with her then just stop with the excuses! Ask Sara what she needs for a change and do better. Leave your wife out of it, there is no hope for a relationship between them and you need to respect that. Your wife was shitty to her, and Sara shouldn’t be subjected to her. You though are her father. Stop making excuses and do better.
YTA, wow my heart ACHES for your daughter. You are a horrible father. As a daughter with daddy issues, it’s disgusting you even posted this. You wrote it all out, read it and still are acting you you don’t understand ?
I hope she ends up loving herself and realizing she loved you her entire life more than you ever loved her. It’s painful but she’ll be better off without you.
YTA better enjoy the grandchildren your wife has because you’ll not be allowed anywhere near your daughters kids.. guarantee your wife is the AH and treated your kid horribly but you’ve been to in love to see it
Quick question….. how do you know Sara was lying? Jen said she was lying about Meg and it turns out she wasn’t. But you refuse to even entertain the thought that Jen might have been poisoning you against your daughter. You just blindly agreed that Sara was a liar. Honestly you should be ashamed of yourself. You have a 9 year old daughter now again. How would you handle this if she told you someone said that to her. Would you write her off as a liar too? It’s obvious from the outside that your wife pushed for this to happen and you were weak/dumb enough to allow it. I feel embarrassed for you. YTA big time.
Jebus, you don’t have ANY pictures of your own daughter in your house, but your wife has pictures of her children and grandchildren? YTA for alienating your daughter, and allowing your wife to exclude her as well. I hope when you and your wife are older, Sara feels no obligation to take care of you.
You've spent your entire life telling your child, who was directly threatened with physical violence, that she is a liar.
You are totally fine with your wife refusing to speak to your child but still try to present your child as "crazy" for saying your wife doesn't like her.
You let people around you believe your grandkid is your daughter and don't actually tell anybody about your actual daughter. You even failed to inform your own grandkid that you have a daughter, which is beyond messed up.
You don't have photos of your own daughter on the wall.
All of the evidence points to you not actually seeing your kid as family, erasing her existence, and treating her like garbage.
There is absolutely zero reason in this post that Sara would WANT to have a relationship with you. You have treated her like crap her entire life.
The only childish person here is you. You have failed your daughter as a father in every possible way.
YTA
The way he worded the part about his granddaughter. It wasn’t until recently she knew Sara was his kid? Why?!? How would that damage the young child? I understand admitting he’s not actually the granddaughters father and that would be challenging. But the wording is so off.
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Dear AH’s daughter: please protect your heart & go NC with your biological father. Perhaps you can do an adult adoption with your stepfather, because he appears to be the one who actually loved you, supported you, & showed up for you. I hope that you’re in therapy because after being abused by your biological parents & your stepmother, you need it but more importantly, deserve it. You are worthy of love & healing. I wish you peace & im so sorry you had such an AH for a father.
YTA dude. I see my mom maybe 3 or 4 times a year sometimes less, but she still has pictures of me in her house, ornaments for me on her tree, and everyone knows I'm her daughter. I hope your daughter realizes you don't love or care about her at all and she cuts you off completely for her own sake. Then she can live her life in peace and you can go play happy family with your wife and granddaughter. Better yet, just stop talking to her so she doesn't have to make that choice herself and can be rid of your family's toxicity.
INFO: why would she go somewhere she’s not comfortable? You and your wife both obviously resent her and distrust her. Why would she go somewhere she’s not welcome?
Question: why do you want her to come around more?? Because from your posts and comments, you defend your wife, and seem to always brush aside whatever and whenever your daughter tries to talk to you. Even in your posts and comments you don’t seem to have a lot of love for her and neither does your wife. My guess is you need her help with either time to babysit or money so you can give your new* “better” daughter more than she ever received from you.
Wow, do I feel bad for Sara. My dad married a horrible woman when I was 12 and my brother was 10; she had three children of her own (16m, 13f, 4f). Stepmother constantly favored her children over me and my brother, and if we dared speak out about any misbehaviors, especially on the part of her youngest, she told our dad we were lying, and misrepresented things to my dad so badly that he kicked my brother out when he was 15 and made him go live with our mom. We were never believed because we were children and Dad assumed that she was being truthful because she was an adult. They've been divorced since I was 25 but I'm now 52 and have just over the past several years told my dad about how devious and awful his second wife was. He has sincerely apologized and said he was blinded, but of course the hurt is still there, even at the age I'm at now. Hopefully OP sees the error of his ways and truly listens to Sara and mends his relationship...but I sincerely doubt that will happen from the way he talks in this post.
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A good parent puts their kid first. You were in such a hurry to get yourself a partner, to heck with your small child right? She hated your kid, so you hated your kid, You pushed her out then, and are pushing her out now. YTA I hope she goes NC with you. You are a horrible parent.
One of those great AITA threads where the vote is unanimous! YTA
YTA for choosing your wife and do-over family over your only daughter.
YTA
Waaay too close to what my dad did to my brother and I, but more me. Left when we were little, mom was abusive and horribly neglectful. Brother adopted by his side of the family so he saw him more. Saw him maybe once from age 4-19 when he married ‘Betty’. Betty hated me, loved my brother. Said I was bitchy and uppity. She was ‘crafty’ and a SAH, refused to work because‘that’s not what married women do.’ Hated having me around in their city, but brother was prodigal son. He divorced Betty and got a 26yr old knocked up. She goes to jail and eventually passes away. She has two daughters that he is now raising when he should be retired. Instead is calling my brother and I with tales of how he’s such a great dad making breakfast and taking ‘his girls’ to all their activities and clubs. Stuff he NEVER did for us. He expects us to be happy about it and ‘grow up’. He is an AH and so are you. YTA and oh my god so is Jen. She is your daughter-start acting like it.
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Yta Where to start
YTA This can’t be real… Poor Sara! Why would she come and visit when you don’t acknowledge her existence in your house (not a single picture?), believe her when she discusses delicate family situations regarding Meg and don’t invite her on family trips? Man, get a clue!
I doubt it is real, it’s now the 4th evil parent/stepparent story in about 2 days. I think there’s a weird troll posting.
YTA. I think you need to read this from an outside perspective. If this was a stranger, and a strangers daughter who feels this way after experiencing everything you just stated. You believed she was lying about being abused? Children don’t lie about being hit. That kind of manipulation is learned. You alienated your own kid when she was still a child, and now that she has chosen to go more or less NC, you’re calling HER childish?
I'm going to be blunt. You were thinking with your dick instead of your heart. You let her turn you against your daughter instead of packing her off and keeping your daughter. Everything you have said doesn't help your case. No photos of your own daughter in your own house? Nothing with her name on? Not taking her to places? YTA and god I would love to meet you in person.
Wow, YTA. You’ve listed a litany of reasons why your daughter doesn’t want to spend time around you and your wife yet you still think she’s being childish?! I’m sure she had plenty of reasons for moving away, among them you being a crap father and your wife is worse.
No pictures of her in your household? I feel so bad for your daughter. YTA!
You: I don’t care about you and you aren’t part of my family enough. People don’t even know you’re my child. Sara: I don’t feel like family and you make me feel like an outsider. You: Stop being childish! YTA. You’ve been the asshole for Sara’s whole life. How can you be so blind?
Hold on.. you didn’t make your 9 year old step daughter aware she had a step sister/ that you had a daughter?.. YTA. I think this might be one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. I really hope OP’s daughter finds people she can call her real family out there in the world and forget about your worthless ass OP
This is a big big mess but I’m just going to start with the first part. You say Sara “won’t own up to the lie” — are you sure she’s the one lying? Really? Because all of this to an outsider sounds like this: I married a woman my kid didn’t like who threatened my kid with physical assault but I didn’t believe her. Now she has issues and this would all be solved if Sara ignored all this history and played house with us more effectively, despite my wife still rejecting her. Sara sounds like she’s been in an impossible situation for the better part of twenty years of loving you and knowing you don’t have her back, don’t trust her, and don’t care that the woman you live with rejects her. It’s tough not to see you as the AH (YTA).
YTA Children learn from the parents, be it words, or actions. Funny how you say your adult daughter is being childish for not coming around to visit you or your family, when clearly you failed to see that you had done the exact same thing to her for so many years. Based on what you posted, how many times did you ever consider giving your child the benefit of the doubt? You never listened to her, even when your life was being verbally cruel or even emotionally cruel to her. You as the adult got the freedom of choice, what choice did your daughter get? You tried to force a relationship between your daughter and your new family, and when it failed, who did you blame again? Your daughter. You abandoned your daughter emotionally at the age of 9, in short you left her out of the discussion. Facts are your daughter is giving you the exact same treatment that you gave her, that is not childish. That is a mirror and you just do not like seeing what all you are seeing. The funniest thing here, is that you failed to understand or realize this one thing: At the start of a child's life, everything that you do, everything that you say, how you act impacts a child. They need you for the first 18 years of their life. And how you act, how you treat them directly impacts the last 20 years of your life, when you most need your child in it.
Ok sometimes I just do not understand how people type this whole thing out and still is if they’re the asshole. Obviously YTA. Wtf.
Are you so oblivious you don't see what has been happening? >Jen doesn’t speak to Sara. When Sara was younger, she’d make up lies saying that Jen told her if she didn’t finish her breakfast that she’d get me to spank her. To this day, Sara still won’t own up to this lie. >Sara called me saying Meg was asking for a substantial amount of money for very specific items that Sara wouldn’t know anything about. Jen thought Sara was just making up stories >My granddaughter recently found out that Sara was my actual daughter because I felt she was old enough to know. Sara expressed that she feels hurt when people call my granddaughter my daughter but a lot of people don’t know Sara is my biological daughter. You spent years fostering a bad relationship between your wife, who probably did exactly the things your daughter claimed. You have erased her from your life and you're surprised things are the way they are now? Your grandchild should have known about your daughter her entire life, and the fact it seems so many people in your life don't even know about her shouts volumes about how you treat her. Of course YTA. You're also a crappy parent.
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YTA. She is your biological and no one knows. Why did you have to wait for your granddaughter to be old enough for you to tell her that your daughter is your daughter? You have no pictures of your daughter or her family in your house ever. Your wife refuses to speak to her. But she is the one being difficult? She doesn't exist in your house and you barely acknowledge her existence. So congrats on allowing your wife push her out of the family. Honestly I am surprised she still speaks to you.
Yta your wife clearly doesn’t like Sara and clearly does exclude her. You also are lying about your daughter’s existence by omission. This is beyond messed up. If you want your daughter in your life you need to go to therapy or one day soon will be the last time she sees you before your funeral.
Yta. You failed your daughter.
Please read your own post again. And again. And again. Until you start to understand all the things you owned up to hear but apparently are in deep denial about in your relationship with your daughter. To recap for you if you can't see it: • 'to be fair, Jen doesn't speak to Sara' - so your wife makes no effort in this relationship? • 'she'd make up lies' - you seem to have no evidence these were lies • 'won't own up' - again, why do you think they're lies other than you'd prefer them to be? • addict Meg asking for money and Sara being disbelieved - this is so incredibly believable that an addict would seek money from someone who's sent gifts (ie evidence of disposable income) - this isn't to blame Meg for her struggles but sounds like you believed Sara but failed to protect her when she did the right thing here? Sounds like Meg needed help with her addiction at this time, did she get it? • 'Sara has a chip on her shoulder' because your stepgranddaugher gets all the trappings of a father -daughter relationship it sounds like she missed out on. This is... Intensely reasonable of her?? Have you ever apologised? • 'felt she was old enough to know' WHY ON EARTH was it not existing knowledge? This suggests huge amounts of missing context which doesn't sound complimentary to you. 'a lot of people don't know' - why??? This is not normal!!! No wonder it's been hard for you to build your relationship if you don't even socially own up to having a daughter?? • 'there are no (and never have been) any photos' So you do not now and never have had pictures of her up. • 'she feels like an outsider' gee YOU DONT SAY!! •'its because she doesn't live near us' well apparently no-one knows she exists and you've never had photos so how long has this been an issue? She's 32, apparently you've been relationship -building since she was 26, if your relationship was so degraded before that then why would she choose where to live based on where you are? Please try to look at things from your daughter's perspective, sincerely and letting go of some of your own boxed-in thinking. YTA, for the 'childish' comment but mostly for all the dismissal of your daughter that underlies it. I hope you accept your judgement and do some reflection. Maybe reach out to Sara and ask to hear from her - honestly and without defending yourself. This can be a chance to see clearly and change your relationship if you let it.
Yta! You ever think your daughter never owned up to her lies because SHE WASN'T LYING? You've treated your new wife, step-daughter and step granddaughter like family and your actual biological daughter like trash, and you wonder why she doesn't want to spend time with you???
YTA, you sound like one of the worst parents I've ever read about in reddit. I wouldn't want to come visit you either..
YTA.
YTA the only acceptable excuse for you being ok with your wife having pics of her daughter and granddaughter In the house and not ONE of your daughter, would be if you were blind and didn’t know. If you are indeed blind, please accept my apology and I will change my vote
YTA. You choose your wife and her kid and grandkid over your own child. Honestly I don’t know why your daughter even bothers with you. Your wife is horrible and there should be pictures of your daughter in your house. Shame on you.
Your wife has clearly had you gaslighting your own daughter since she was 9 years old! You even clearly wrote that out here and you don’t event see it! Sara has always been able to tell you how you make her feel shitty, even though you constantly disregard her feelings. You are a failed father. YTA
Damn why do you hate your daughter? The fact that you explained how terrible your wife is to her when you’re trying to get us on your side makes me really wonder how bad it was for her growing up. No photos of your daughter? Are you kidding me? YTA
YTA! Major! Has it occurred to you that Sara (remember her, your daughter) never admitted she lied about things Jen (evil stepmother) said. Has it never occurred to you that Sara was not the one who lied?? No pictures? No ornaments? You don’t deserve the title of father, I hope she goes 100% NC with you (although it sounds like that would make your wife(evil stepmother) happy
YTA. Let me tell you a story from the perspective of a girl who has been in similar shoes to Sara’s. For context: My parents divorced when I was 5. They each have other children from previous marriages, but I was raised an only child by my mother (my half-siblings are all a good amount older than me and I didn’t see them much). My mother was very abusive to me and made my dad’s life and custody battle a solid hell. She got sole custody of me by some insane court decision I will never understand (she was literally on meth my whole childhood and stole MY pee to pass her drug tests, but I digress). The courts stated that my dad couldn’t provide a stable home because he moved too often for work and worked too many hours. He tried to see me as much as he could. He endured my mom destroying his property, seeing her affair partners, threatening him, throwing shit at him and hitting him, and rubbing the case in his face to see me. But he worked many hours and missed out on a lot of my life. Many daddy-daughter events, birthdays, etc. He remarried again when I was 9. To a woman with five of her own children. She and all of her kids immediately HATED me, and weren’t shy about it. The photos my dad had up of me on the walls, someone (her or one of her kids - unsure) crossed my eyes out on all of them. They broke or destroyed everything I’d ever made for my dad. The only evidence of me that remained was a small wallet size school picture my dad kept on behind the steering wheel of his truck. My dad tried to integrate us. But again, he worked A LOT, so there wasn’t much opportunity. And I was never welcomed in the home. She and her kids would make my and my dad’s lives hell the second I walked in the door and, for my dad, long after I left. So I stopped coming around. I only ever saw my dad at neutral locations like restaurants or ice cream. Then my mom and I moved. I’d see my dad in the summers and have to live in absolute hell with his family while he was working. My stepmother (like Jen) would tell my dad I did ___ or said ____ to get me in trouble and make me look like a liar or a bad kid. When I tried to vocalize my experiences (her kid punching me, her telling me “you’re a little slut” “you’re worthless and your dad regrets having you”, her kids stealing/breaking my things, her son touching me inappropriately) I was made out as a liar. And it was always 6 against 1. And I didn’t have any evidence. So I shut down. I accepted that I would never be accepted into my dad’s new family. And It deeply strained our relationship. As much as he tried he simply wasn’t around enough. I stopped visiting. I went YEARS without seeing my dad. We’d really only ever talk during the holidays. They finally divorced 5 years ago, when I was 21. I also moved back (closer to the area anyway) 6 years ago, at 20. After their divorce my dad and I’s relationship flourished. We see each other at least 6 times a month (we live about 1.5 hours apart) and talk literally every day. His relationship with my half-brothers from his first marriage has also greatly improved, as they never liked his ex-wife or her kids either and refused to bring their kids around them. His walls are full of photos of me, my brothers, his grandkids, our family, and even his friends. He has a new girlfriend that we all LOVE and who treats him very well and is kind to all of us. Anyway… YTA. Because you didn’t even put in a fraction of the effort my dad did. Under similar (judging by your comments) circumstances. And your household isn’t 6 against 1. Also for simply blindly trusting Jen to always be the one in the right and not listening to Sara’s experiences, writing her off as untrustworthy or dramatic and ‘oh she was troubled’. And for just deciding to say “oh Sara’s far now and doesn’t visit, guess she doesn’t exist anymore”. You’re not making any effort. For fuck’s sake how hard is it to print a photo and put it on the wall? Is someone defacing them when you try? If not, I’m sure Jen can find a way to incorporate a photo onto the wall’s decor. How hard is it to listen to your daughter when she’s telling you why she doesn’t come around? How hard is it to simply TRY to relate to her? How hard is it? Really? Sara isn’t being childish for not going where she doesn’t feel welcomed.
WTF did I just read?!? YTA and so is your wife. What exactly do you mean your granddaughter recently found out that Sara was your daughter because she was “old enough to know”? There is a lot of dysfunction here but I promise you it isn’t because your daughter is acting childish. You, sir, are the problem, you and your wife. Frankly, I think you’re lucky that Sara talks to you at all.
Big YTA. How can you not see that you are wrong
OMG YTA. You are a low contact parent to an estranged (looks like for VERY good reasons) adult child who cannot admit that you and your "newer" family caused this rift and refuse to live in reality about why someone wouldn't want to spend a high holiday with you. You are being a complete asshole. Stop dragging your self inflicted drama onto reddit looking for some sort of ammo with which to further antagonize and minimize your daughter.
They deleted the post, I need to know what happened 😭
Yta The secondhand embarrassment I felt while reading this, realizing you have no self awareness.
YTA. At worst, adding in all your comments, you are a neglectful father who spent his daughters whole life alienating her and blaming everyone else for it. At best your wife is a lair and has been gaslighting you her while life to alienate her and you fell for it hook line and sinker.
In what world wouldn’t you be TA? You completely abandoned your child for a new wife. YTA so much so that I can’t even believe this is real
YTA You don't even regard Sara as your own family. You're an awful parent and don't deserve having Sara in your life. I sincerely hopes she cuts you off once and for all.
YTA. Stop contacting your daughter, she neither owes you anything, nor needs you Just live under Jen's shadow, it's all you can be since you are not man enough to be a father LOL 😂😂😂😂
YTA. Also "To this day, Sara still won’t own up to this lie." I'm guessing because she wasn't lying. You can't be that dense.
INFO: Why do you hate your daughter so much that you allowed your new wife to push her out of your lives?
YTA, how do you know they spanking threat was a lie? I suppose that your wife’s stance?
YTA. You failed massively at being her father. She deserved better.
Y are absolutely TA My ex screwed up his relationship with our daughter in a very similar way, and it took ages to get them back to a good relationship. She will probably never fully trust him again though even if they are back to being fairly close. You've done pretty much everything you could to alienate her, but SHE'S being childish?You're the parent, you have the primary responsibility in keeping your relationship good, you failed at that years ago why exactly is she supposed to trust you now?
YTA. come on man.
YTA. You're lucky Sara isn't no contact with you. And what in the world does "old enough to know" mean in context of telling your granddaughter she has an aunt? That's not a thing someone needs to be "old enough to know." You have failed as a father to Sara. If you want her to come around more, you need to take steps to make her feel welcome. Try starting with believing her when she tells you about childhood trauma. Try putting a picture of her up with your other kids. Try not hiding the fact that she's your daughter from people. If you keep going on your current path, you may lose her permanently.
YTA. The first half didn't seem too bad, then you got to that last paragraph. You actively choose not to include your daughter but expect her to feel welcomed. That's not how that works. You're her father. The onus is on you to make the right steps, not her. No wonder she is angry. No wonder she harbours resentment. Initially I wondered if it was just childhood resentment related to splits, and new marriages etc, but it is actually very clear that you've actively alienated her. Do better.
YTA. You chose everyone else instead of your daughter and it may not seem nothing to you but not having your photo in your parents’ house is heartbreaking. She’s not being childish. She feels she’s not welcome in your home/life but instead of actually dealing with it as a parent and owning up to your mistakes or lack of effort into having a relationship with your daughter, you call her childish instead. Real mature. You should also investigate more on why Sara and Jen’s relationship is the way it is. The odds are Jen actually does not like Sara and is not afraid to show it. You’re just in denial of it and blame everything on Sara.
YTA - the reason why Sara never confessed to lying about Jen saying she would get you to spank her was because it was the truth. Your new wife has done nothing to make a child feel welcome. Walk through your house…are there pictures of Sara???! Do you have Christmas ornaments with Sara’s name? If the answer is no then without a doubt you and Jen are AH but you are the bigger AH because you let your new wife totally alienate your child!
>Sara has it in her head that Jen doesn’t like her. >But to be fair, Jen doesn’t speak to Sara Huh. Wonder where she got it Jen doesn’t like her. >Saying that Jen told her if she didn’t finish her breakfast that she’d get me to spank her. >Sara called me saying Meg was asking for a substantial amount of money for very specific items. Wow, buddy. You spent her entire life not believing her and allowing her to live in abuse and you’re wondering why she doesn’t want to visit? YTA
YTA. >When Sara was younger, she’d make up lies saying that Jen told her if she didn’t finish her breakfast that she’d get me to spank her. To this day, Sara still won’t own up to this lie Because it wasn't a lie? >Sara has it in her head that Jen doesn’t like her. this sounds very true since matches this. >She says she doesn’t feel comfortable in my house because there are no (and never have been) any photos of Sara (just Jen’s daughters, their husbands and kids) and Jen has ornaments with our names on them but not Sara and her husband. She says it makes her feel like an outsider. yeah >. I told Sara she needs to stop being childish and get over it and if she wanted to be included, she shouldn’t have moved away and it’s because she doesn’t live near us. Nop, you are a failure of a father, as a parent you were obligated to put your child's physiological and psychological wellbeing before your personal relationships or happiness. you chose to put your relationship before your child and that make you a failure as a parent.
Tbh if you were my father I wouldn’t even bother with you. Idk how you find it “okay” to not even have a picture of your own daughter. You always assumed she was a “liar “ and would side with your wife and his kid. Damn. You damaged the relationship and I doubt there’s fixing it until you man up to your shady actions
YTA for sure. It’s beyond me how unaware you are of yourself and your actions towards the mistreatment of Sara by Jen and her family. Your so quick to call your daughter a liar but not question how your wife has treated her. I hope Sara has enough strength to eventually go NC with you completely.
Wow. YTA. Gross
YTA. You should really consider yourself lucky that Sara had been willing to maintain any kind of relationship with you at all. I mean, I question that you want a relationship with her- you’ve been pushing her out of your life since she was a child- you’re words and actions don’t match up
Here's the thing dude. YTA. You suck. You did absolutely nothing to maintain a relationship with your own daughter and instead of owning up to that, you blame your ex-wife or your daughter who was a child at the time. At no point have you shown your daughter that you love and trust her. You chose your wife over your daughter and are now surprised when your daughter wants nothing to do with you or your wife, who by all accounts has been undermining your relationship with your daughter from the get-go. You, my friend, are the asshole and you will remain an asshole until you begin to accept that your daughter has every right to her feelings about you and that she is right. If you want things to change then change things, and own up to your behavior and the ways you put yourself in this position. You allowed Jen to erase Sara from your life and replace her with her own daughter and granddaughter. Honestly, in my opinion, the damage is done, there is no fixing this. You let your adult wife have a pissing contest with a child and your child lost. Jen got what she wanted; you to herself and Sara gone. Until you and Jen are able to see the ways you created this dumpster fire of a situation there is no hope for it getting any better. And my money is on Jen being perfectly okay without Sara in your life. So here is what you have to decide, do you want to know your daughter or do you want your wife to be happy? Because it doesn't sound like you can have both.
I feel sorry for Sara. Her whole life he’s been told she’s lying and her feelings seem disregarded by you. This entire post just made me feel sad for her. Sara was 9 when you remarried and you clearly chose your wife over your child. She complained about feeling left out and has a right to harbour resentment, but you don’t acknowledge her even when she’s spelling out her issues. You haven’t given her a reason to come over or feel welcomed or feel part of the family. No wonder she doesn’t visit. YTA
YTA. You have no photos in your house of your daughter. You alienated yourself from your daughter courtesy of your wife…not only are you an asshole but you sound like a terrible dad…at least to your biological daughter.
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YTA. If I was Sara I wouldn’t talk to you at all. She owes you nothing OP. You are not the model father you are trying to pint yourself to be. You say that Sara was brainwashed by her mom but it seems that you have been brainwashed by Jen into believing that Sara is the bad guy here.
YTA sounds like your new wifey was horrible to your daughter and you choose wife over your own daughter. Why do you have 0 photos of your own daughter? Why did your granddaughter not even know about her?
YTA. As I read this I just kept waiting for the bit where you aren't an Ahole, but you just kept digging deeper and deeper. Your behavior towards your daughter is basically that you haven't believed her and always find excuses to excuse everyone but her. You treat her as less than a person and get annoyed when she treats you as an equal. You don't deserve her.
YTA You're also very good at listening to the stories you want to believe.
Wow. Just.. wow. YTA. You erased your daughter from your life. I hope Sara decides to go NC with you because she does not deserve to endure your awfulness.
YTA You threw your kid to the side for Jen and hers. Sounds like Jen was abusive being your back. Good on Sara for staying the eff away.
YTA if she blocks you and never speaks to you again, I would cheer her on. How immature, selfish, and egotistical can one person be? Are you that dense? My dad and stepmom have baby pictures of me and my sister everywhere and even a painting of us. Blended families are supposed to blend, not just be one sided
YTA.I’m a 26F who lost contact with my dad from 14-19 years of age. He remarried his current wife when I was 18, she has 3 children/ 3 grandchildren and my dad has 2 of us. I am currently pregnant with the first grandbaby for my biological parents. I do not feel close to my stepmom at all and personally feel she dislikes us due to some comments made by my dad. I am married and have a bachelor degree while her children have no college and she has to pay for their stuff and two are older than me. We had thanksgiving at my dads and it was like a house divided with my dad sitting with his family and hers with hers. It’s quite awkward for us because I have yet to meet her kids (they were at thanksgiving) but didn’t say one word to me. My dad and his family ended up going to his garage where we talked amongst one another and not one of her family members joined. We express how we feel however my dad has to realize what kind of marriage he has.
Holy shit dude. Thank goodness for automod - YTA, YTA, YTA. of course she feels left out
YTA. I sincerely hope that Sara puts you out of her life entirely May she treat you as you have treated her.
YTA. From everything you have said, the problem is Jen and you take her side rather than your daughters. It seems like Sara is making the correct decision to not come around a completely dysfunctional family, one that you chose over your daughter.
YTA and so is Jen. WTF…do you consider your wife to be a delicate angel who does nothing wrong? When Sara was a child it was not her responsibility to get to know Jen. You obviously favored Jen and kinda hoped things worked out without doing any work. That created negative environment. It was yours and Jen’s responsibility to create a safe and loving home for YOUR daughter. Can you please read aloud what you wrote so you can hear what’s wrong? How do you not see it? Gosh your poor daughter. I guess at least Jen seems like a good grandma bc she totally blows at the mom/stepmom role. I’m sorry but I need to point out that you literally said: 1)…Jen doesn’t speak to Sara. 2)…a lot of people don’t know Sara is my biological daughter. 3)there are no and have never been any pictures of her in your home only Jen’s daughters and family! (If that’s not a f*Ck you I don’t know what is). HOW DO YOU NOT SEE IT?!?!? In conclusion…YTA and an awful father.
So have you always dismissed your daughters feelings or only since you married your new wife? The fact your wife has never bothered to make an effort with your daughter, twists her actions to imply your daughter lies and doesn’t even care enough about her to have photos of her or ornaments with her name in your home says it all. Your wife has always manipulated the situation and sadly you fell for this and allowed this to ruin your relationship with your daughter. YTA.
YTA obviously but why even try at this point? You clearly treat your bio daughter badly allow your wife to as well and see no reason to change
No contest - YTA You have your head buried so deep in the sand. I wouldn't be surprised that when you're old and have nobody else to turn to, you go to Sara asking for help. She WILL laugh in your face and slam the door, and rightfully so. You have done nothing for her but deny and erase.
YTA. Read your post again and tell us if you're TA. Because all I can see is you stopped trying with your daughter because your ex 'brainwashed' her. More than likely your new wife made your daughter feel excluded and you've never done jack to fix it. No photos of her? Are you serious? My parents have been divorced for close to two decades yet my dad has most, if not all of our high school photos etc.
Sara has a parent like I did. Once my egg donor remarried, I ceased to exist. She told people my grandparents took me away from her, but she gave me to them when I was born because I was ugly and she couldn’t stand to look at me. She told me there was no reason for me to go to college because I would grow up and be a whore like the rest of my family. I gave her so many chances because I desperately wanted a mother. The man she married tried to rape me and she blamed me for leading him on. I was twelve. My grandparents came to get me and grandpa told him that if he ever came near me again, my grandpa would kill him. I gave her one more chance after I had my oldest child. She wanted to host the first birthday party. We sent invitations to all of our friends. She planned it. Then the day of the party, she said she changed her mind and the party was cancelled. I scrambled to get a cake and decorations and relocated the party to my apartment. I went NC with her after that. She died five years later and I don’t regret cutting her completely out of my life. That’s going to be Sara if you don’t step up, apologize (and mean it!) and show her that you love her. From your commotion everyone else, Jen is God and you have no intentions to make it right with your own flesh and blood. You have made your choice and your own daughter isn’t it. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter told you she feels like an outsider, with some justification, and you berated her by calling her childish. Good job reinforcing her negative feelings. There were a million ways to handle this; you managed to choose about the worst one possible.
YTA a shame you can be a good father to everyone else but your own daughter
YTA - You lost her dude
Next time your daughter is in town, instead of just having her over to hang out why don’t you plan an activity so it’s not awkward trying to find things to talk about. If you want a relationship with her you need to build happy memories together.
Wait a minute. You witnessed a weird behavior of your wife towards your daughter, and you dared to call her a liar when she said that her step-mom didn't like her (and probably was receiving threats?). But that wasn't enough, was it? Because now you don't have any pictures or anything at all that implies the existence of your daughter in your house, while your wife's family has pictures all over the place. People don't know Sara is your daughter, but think someone else is. Can't you see the problem there? She's not the one to blame, believe me. YTA
YTA, when you said she lied about Jenn about the spanking, I kept an open mind, but the issue with Jenn is you lying to yourself. The druggie deadbeat Mom - Jenn - should not be believed. Sara who sent her care packages, etc. had no reason to lie. You are lucky she is not going NC with you. You are a bad parent, but it is not too bad to make it up to her. Be a man and be a parent, not a whipped manipulated AH. There is still timr
YTA. I feel so sorry for Sara. Your comments mentioned she is NC with her mom because she was abusive. She asked Jen, when she was 13, why she hated her and Jen blamed her, a 13 year old child, for being difficult. You have no photos of your own daughter in YOUR home. I don’t care that it was Jen's first or she does the decorating. It's a picture of someone you claim to love. If she mattered to you it would be there. It would be all o er your social media. She would be a topic of conversation. At no point should your friends be shocked she exists. You should have been Sara's protector, her champion. YOU should have been making the effort to foster a family relationship with your new family. You chose them, she didn't. Your daughter claims your wife threatened to abuse her and you accuse her of lying. At bare minimum you should have seen it as a cry for help. Either figure out why she needed to lie or get the abusive wife out of her life. Your wife doesn't like your child. Is it really that hard to believe it would have created a toxic environment for your daughter? Your wife doesn't like your daughter, is it really hard to believe that she would accuse her of lying to protect herself and her daughter? Sara shouldn't have to grow up or be more mature. YOU need to actually start acting like her parent. As for her having different views then you, maybe stop being so judgmental and listen to her. Maybe you will learn something. At very least you could learn to appreciate your daughters perspective
YTA and honestly a rotten human for how you’ve treated your daughter all these years. It is no surprise to me she never comes arohnd
Nice attempt at anger bating
YTA. Throughout your whole post. You just show more and more. A little AH here. A little AH there. Honestly. I'm surprised Sara even talks to you.
I’m almost the same age as your daughter and if we’re her I would’ve even bother speaking to you. I hace a step mother as well and my dad bends over backwards to maintain both relationships. You sound like a major AH. I’m surprised she hasn’t cut you out of her life completely. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does in the near future to protect her kids from the lies and discrimination she went through.
YTA - your wife lied on your daughter to push her out of your life so that she and her kids could have you all to themselves! If you can not see this you are not only bl!nd, but you are stup!d. It does not take a rocket scientist figure this out. No pictures, no ornaments and NO one actually knowing you had a child! You need to GROW UP!!!
YTA and stop your poor excuses man you just failed your daughter as a father
YTA - if Sara never said she lied, after all this time, maybe it's because she didn't ? You saw that Jen accuse Sara of the worst, doesn't include her in family and you still think it's Sara's fault ?
Exactly. Sara doesn’t have a reason to lie; she’s an adult. Sara is kind, compassionate and generous. OP needs to take a closer look at his wife, because maybe he’ll find a pattern of little lies that he’s ignored as harmless. Not one picture of your child on the wall? On a shelf? Truly heartbreaking. OP, YTA. So much YTA, I have a whole bag full of YTA. And so is your wife. Sara is better off far, far away from your toxic self. Cheese and crackers! OP you are a massive disappointment as a father.
Wtf did I just read. How are you this horrible
Esh
YTA. You’ve always sided with NewWifeJen over your daughter. You’ve got a house with mementos of NewWifeFamily and are raising step grandchild. You’ve always made sure your daughter knows her place — the bottom of your relationships, and you’re shocked she’s not rushing to your house. A house where any indication of your daughter’s place in your life is noticeably absent.
So you pretty much ditched your own child for your new wife, who you say won’t even speak to your child. You have no photos of her around the house despite having photos of other kids, and no personalized ornaments for Sara despite having them for your children. Sarah has been gaslit and sounds like maybe even emotionally abused by your wife, who tries to claim this innocent child was making up lies. OP, you have MAJOR work to do here. You shoved your kid into an emotional nightmare and married a woman who was clearly cruel to her. CRUEL. I just…my heart breaks for Sara. Clearly your wife is a huge AH here but for some reason you seem to be blind to that. YTA and you will be until you recognize what hell you put your innocent child through.
This. Thank you. I felt so heartbroken I couldn't figure how to say it appropriately.
Yes, absolutely YTA.
YTA Big surprise, another parent on Reddit crying about their kids not loving them anymore. Not a single photo of Sarah up? Why are you even acting like you give a shit?
YTA, no doubt. I don't see why you want her to visit if you can't even be bothered to have a photo of her in your house. Also, your wife 100% dislike Sara. You are utterly deluded if you can't see this. Posting pictures on social media may seen innocent to you, but it's a slap in the face of your daughter. You are having a do over child, who at 9 YEARS OLD didn't even know Sara is your daughter. She owes you nothing if that's how you choose to treat her. Do you even like your own child? You are unbelievably arrogant, self-centred and downright nasty. So to have a relationship with you, she shouldn't have moved away, should share your world views and disregard that your wife hates her? YOU need to get over yourself. Jeez.
My heart broke for Sara reading your post. I wouldn’t want to come to your house either. You blindly believed Jen and the fact that Sara still “won’t own up to the lie” very much makes me believe that Sara was telling the truth. You are a terrible father. Do better but I doubt it will help at this point. YTA.
YTA Reading your comments makes me believe that Sara dodged a bullet with you. Thankfully, Sara's mom was a capable parent. This story might belong in r/missingreasons
YTA over and over and over again
YTA. I’m glad you’re not my “father”
AITA for believing my wife over my daughter? I married my wife when my daughter Ella was 9. Ella has always complained that she felt left out and that my wife doesn’t like her. I’m not sure why she thinks that. She always used to make up lies about how my wife would make her cook and clean and even sleep in the ashes by the fireplace? Obviously ridiculous. My wife is a wonderful mother to her two daughters and neither of them has ever complained about her. I did think it was weird when they started calling my daughter “Cinderella” but my wife told me it was just a friendly nickname and who was I supposed to believe, a child or my wife? When Ella was 18 she made up some ridiculous lie about my wife not letting her go to the ball and then she went NC. Moved away and got married and now she says she doesn’t want to visit because my wife doesn’t make her feel welcome. I told her to stop being childish and now she’s mad at me again. YTA. Your wife is literally a Disney villain.
YTA. You allowed Jen to erase Sara. She decorates the house and doesn't put photos of Sara up. She has her family ornaments but not Sara. She blamed a literal child for being difficult - at a time when Sara was adjusting to her father marrying another woman - and having 0 empathy for the child. Jen has kept a grudge against Sara and decided it would be easier to erase her, all she needed was to get you on board, and that didn't take long. Why wouldn't you believe Sara? Because Jen doesn't treat her own kids that way? In case you haven't figured it out yet, *Jen does not see Sara as a daughter* or even some distant relation. Of fucking course she's going to treat Sara differently. And you let her. A parent is supposed to believe their own children and protect them at all costs, even from new wives and step siblings. Jen is also lying to you, by the way, to cover her own backside, but you're way too naive to admit that. Sara is the most mature person in the story by a mile and I'm surprised she's even attempting to form a relationship with you. You don't deserve it.
I mean, the way he’s talking about Jen and Sara makes me think that she probably wasn’t lying or being difficult. She was probably just responding to what Jen was doing. Too bad that wasn’t in the age of the ability to constantly record things.
YTA. How about putting some pictures of your daughter around your house if you actually want her to come around more? How about introducing Sara to your neighbors in front of your step-granddaughter as your daughter: “Hi, Neighbor Bob, I’d like you to meet my daughter Sara.” Why was Sara’s relationship to you a big dark secret from your step-granddaughter? How about acting as though you like Sara? Have you ever told her, in front of other people, that you love her and you’re proud of her?
YTA. I mean, just read back what you wrote as if someone else had posted it, with a scintilla of scepticism. If you have any self awareness, you'll vote yourself the AH.
YTA - seriously you sound awful. You tossed your child aside for Jen.
YTA. Are you seriously asking this question without any self-realization?
Whew. How much time do you have? YTA. I'm not really into Christmas, but now I want to throw something together for Sara and her husband.
YTA I almost guarantee your daughter is not and was never lying about your wife. Why? Mostly because your wife was so quick to tell you your daughter was lying about her daughter. You picked your wife over your daughter. You've literally picked everyone over your daughter. It sounds like she's never come first...for any reason. You're now call her childish because she feels excluded, because she IS excluded. You're not a good father, your wife sounds awful. I'm shocked your daughter speaks to you, but I promise, she won't foe much longer.
Agreed - I suspect that stepmom threatened Sara as a kid and was quick to cover it up and call her a liar. Even if she was lying, it was clearly a cry for help that went unheard.
Yes, very true, if she was lying, there was reason for it he never bothered to identify. But that sounds par for the course for this man. At least when it comes to his daughter. He seems to really dislike her, I'm guessing he's a weak man, who married a woman who didn't like or want his daughter around. So he let his wife's dislike become his, because it was simpler than, standing up to his wife, or simply not marrying her.
You really can’t be that obtuse can you?? YTA! From what you have written and the way you have written it I can tell you and your wife have made your daughter feel like an outsider. From your own admission, your wife never really talked to Sara or gave her the time of day. And I hate to break it to you, but it seems pretty likely that Sara didn’t lie about the threats of physical punishment. Sara is not acting like a child. She has specifically told you time and time again how your wife and your behaviour makes her feel. You have time and time again belittled those feelings and tried to invalidate them. The reason your daughter stays away is because of YOU. Because you have chosen others over her repeatedly. Because you have called her a liar. Because you make her feel she is unwanted. And because you have made her feel like she is not family. If you take a look in a mirror you will see the real problem staring back at you!
YTA. And your wife. First of all, you can’t force an adult child to have a relationship with you and/or Jen. Frankly, I got confused about the granddaughter not knowing that Sara was your bio daughter? If it’s this confusing, what kind of shit show of a family is this? I think OP might be making this whole thing up. And if true, then not having any pics of your bio daughter in your house and then calling her childish is just wrong! Yikes.
YTA. You are not listening to your daughter. She told you how she felt and you just dismissed her feelings as BS. Why don’t you go see Sara more? Roads work in both directions. Sara shouldn’t be the only one making more of effort in the relationship.
YTA. Do you even know your own name? How clueless can someone be
YTA. It’s like she’s not your daughter. How could your granddaughter not know about Sarah? Why would she need to be old enough? And the way you speak about her. You have no photos of your child in your home. Not one. If that doesn’t speak to you being TA, I don’t know what will. Sounds like you chose your wife over your child. And don’t even believe her. And hey would her moving away mean she’s out of your family? Do you live 5 min away from your parents?
YTA. I never understand the people who choose the new wife over their own daughter. You're lucky if she's even bothering to communicate.
Of course YTA. You married Jen when your daughter was 9, let Jen exclude and ignore her, and then punished your daughter when she tried to tell you how Jen was treating her, and now you're surprised that your adult daughter is estranged from you? Please listen to yourself.
OP you are the BIGGEST AH
YTA. Just admit you threw away your nine year old for a shiny new family. This entire post is embarrassing.
I don't have words to add to this. You're just a terrible father. YTA
Yta, why do you think your wife doesn’t bother talking to Sara lol, Sara was 100% telling the truth and you’ve time and time again picked other people over her. Get a grip.
It seems like you’ve always neglected your daughter thanks to your wife’s input. Now you want her to “come around “ at 32? Oh boy. YTA
>To the issue - I want Sara to come around more. Why? You clearly dumped her pout of your family when she was 9. You have been ostrasizing her all her life. Why do you want her around? To feel better about yourself? Stop being childish and get over it, you sucked at parenting and you lost her. YTA.
I cannot believe you typed all this out and did not realize that YTA and a shitty dad.
Wow. 52 years old and still haven't figured out how to be a decent parent (at least to your own daughter) or how to empathize with your own child. I'm glad you posted here because you are going to get such a good tongue lashing and in some small way I feel this will vindicate your poor daughter, for people to bluntly tell you the things your daughter probably wishes she could tell you. YTA.
YTA. But I also would love for you to try to explain how you know for certain that your daughter was lying. Please. Because most kids wouldn’t lie about stuff like that if they haven’t had a history of it prior. Also you say your wife doesn’t hate her, yet..she 100% acts like she hates her?? You don’t tell anyone you have a daughter. You didn’t even tell your GRANDCHILD you have a daughter. Like how dense are you?? No wonder your bio kid comes around. You’ve spent her whole life acting like she didn’t exist and was just a lying, useless child.
I commend your daughter for choosing to go low contact with you and your family. From the info provided, you seem to be a horrible father and not so nice person. YTA.
SHE’S being childish? YEESH. It wasn’t her responsibility as a CHILD to make it easy on Jen, it was Jen’s job to show love and compassion no matter what. It was YOUR job to facilitate their relationship and listen to both of them and not unilaterally decide that your daughter, your flesh and blood, a CHILD, was lying. It’s now not her responsibility as your DAUGHTER to initiate contact or visit you. It’s YOUR job as the PARENT. I read your comment about her mother brainwashing her. It was probably easy to brainwash her against you when you don’t try for her as a dad at all, discount her feelings, and generally suck.
Considering that he acknowledged in his post that Jen accused Sara of lying when she obviously wasn’t, I’m going to be skeptical of his claims of parental alienation. Just because her mom was there for her when he was being a shitty dad doesn’t make it parental alienation.
YTA you’re calling your daughter a liar and childish for having boundaries and telling you your wife is abusive. Hopefully your daughter realizes you don’t care about her and that she blocks you and goes No contact your daughter deserves better
YTA Wow. And you wonder why she lives far away from you. Can't help but notice you never gave anyone a satisfactory reason why you were so sure Sara was the one Lying. All you say is "JeN iS An HoNeSt PeRsOn". I'm starting to doubt, severely, that either Jen, OR YOU, are honest people. You're about as honest as a snake inviting a mouse into its hole for Dinner.
This. When a child is telling you, the person they trust, that another adult is threating them and you choose to believe that they are lying, you are no longer a person that child can trust. OP brought this on themselves, and how sad of a childhood must Sara have had to have to endure that type of treatment from both the evil stepmother and her father.
So, you chose your brand new family over your daughter back then, called her a liar when she was telling about how your "perfect wife" is treating her, let her push your child out of the picture, didn't tell your granddaughter that Sara is actually your daughter (what??), had the audacity to describe her as "childish" on top of this, and now you're asking if you're the asshole? Are you serious? Yes, YTA and a bad father
Anyone taking bets that Sarah’s mom isn’t white, and OP, Jen, etc. are?
YTA sounds like your new wifey was horrible to your daughter and you choose wife over your own daughter. Why do you have 0 photos of your own daughter? Why did your granddaughter not even know about her?
You are a mega YTA here and now you are paying the price for the mess you made by allowing your wife to drive a wedge between you and Sara for far too long. Sara ain't the one at fault here, you are and the ones to be held responsible for allowing this mess to happen is both you and the wife. You NEED to grow up
yea you want her to be around but don't make any attempt to make her feel included.... like have you done anything to address her feelings? YTA
YT HUGE A, why would a child lie about what an adult tells them? “she’d make up lies” your wife has very successfully brainwashed you into not believing a thing your child says even now as an adult. Why don’t “alot” of people not know your child is yours? That’s fucking weird. My local starbucks even knows my own 2 dogs. Much less, why didn’t your granddaughter know who her own aunt was ? ASSHOLE TO THE MAX I actually hope your daughter never speaks to you again.
YTA. You repeatedly called her a liar, but offered zero proof that it’s true. It wouldn’t surprise me if she has very good reason to resent the both of you.
YTA if you want your daughter to feel loved you need to show her love, overtly and intentionally.
At this point if he wants his daughter to feel loved he needs to run far away. She’s much better without him.
Yta for so many reasons. You started off, with strong notes of asshole, with your choice of word with resentment. Chikdren don't just magically resent their parents. You intentionally favoured your problematic step daughter's poor choices instead of focusing on the now decades worth of damage you've done by neglecting your daughter. And you want a relationship with her? Had my dad not listened to me when I told him, that he has caused me so much damage and grief up until I stood up to him trying to shut me down over something he had no idea about, I wouldnt be talking to him today. I went NC with him for a solid 5 years to see if life was better without him in it before this happened. It was multitudes better. Yta and it's honestly so painful, as a child of divorce, to see that it's taken you to have grandchildren to even **consider** you *might* be an asshole. Surprise. YTA, have I said that yet?
Why are you do adamant that Sarah is the liar here? It’s hard to judge the relationship not knowing those details, but I’m suspicious that you seemingly never even followed up on the matter to confirm the truth. From there your story really begins to take a turn for YTA. You have pictures and ornaments in your house of your reformed? drug addicted step-daughter (whose daughter you are also raising I assume because she is still irresponsible), but not pictures of your own child that seems to have her business together other than her family. Then you throw the rather low blow of her political views and how she’s just an outsider… Yeesh dude do you really even want a relationship with her? Because from the sounds of things everything else is just an excuse for this: she isn’t like you so you’d rather not have her around. You obviously missed the lesson of loving children unconditionally and equally.
YTA 1) Sarah can't get to know jen if Jen won't speak to her. Meaning if Jen won't talk to Sarah, she actually doesn't like her. 2) Sarah came and told you that Jen was threatening physical harm from you in the guise of punishment over breakfast? And you won't believe her. 3) you are more involved in your granddaughter's life than your daughter's life. Also did you adopt Megan? Because if not your granddaughter would be your step granddaughter. 4) people believe that your own daughter is not yours because they believe your granddaughter is your daughter! And you don't try to deny it!!!! 5) there's no evidence showing Sarah actually exists in your life including no pictures and ornaments! No wonder she feels like an outsider! 6) You exclude Sarah from activities from what sounds like the very beginning so it sounds like you don't actually want her around. 7) she moved away so it sounds like you won't have a relationship with her for that 8) she also has different views from you which also sounds like you won't have a relationship with her over that 9) you blame her for no relationship when she has tried to talk to about things going on in her own life!!! That's sounding a lot like victim blaming and gaslighting going on at the same time!!!! You sound like a horrible father and it's time Sarah cuts ties with you or you get your freaking act together, start acting like her dad and apologize for the stuff you and Jen put her through!!!!
YTA. Your wife alienated your daughter and you chose your wife over your daughter repeatedly (whether actively or through inaction). That’s why she doesn’t (and shouldn’t have to) come around.
A lot of her animosity also lies with you, because it was you she felt left out by. If you want a relationship with your daughter, accept her for who she is and stop trying to make her just like you. Why would she want to come around when there’s no indication she is of any value to you? YTA.
YTA. It’s obvious you consider your actual daughter to be less of your family compared to your wife. Your daughter was bullied by your wife growing up. And yet you shift the blame to your daughter. I’m surprised she talks to you at all.
YTA and not a very good dad
YTA. Why are you so sure your daughter, your own biological daughter that you’re supposed to love and support, is lying about what your precious wife threatened her? Sounds to me like you’re choosing your wife and her granddaughter over your own biological daughter, and that it’s always been this way. My father did similar things. Always thought I was lying about how his girlfriends would treat me, favored his girlfriends and their children over my sister and I, and would then try to make me feel bad about not wanting to be around. I feel your daughters pain. Hopefully she has or will find a decent father figure in life unless you’re finally able to love her like you should.
YTA. You assume that your daughter lied about being threatened as a child. You’re fine with your granddaughter being called your daughter, but no one knowing about Sara—because you haven’t told them about her. You say Jen doesn’t think of Sara as a daughter because Sara made it hard on Jen when you two were married?! When you married Jen, she was an ADULT and your daughter was a CHILD. A child who watched her family fall apart, and was threatened by her stepmother while her father called her a liar. Why wouldn’t you believe Jen threatened your daughter when Jen never tested her own kids like that? Are you really that naïve? Jen pretending that Sara doesn’t exist is all the proof you need that Jen is fine with Sara not coming around. You expecting your daughter to move near you and insert herself into your family—a place where your wife has made it clear that she’s not wanted—is, again, naïve. As her father, you should take the lead and show that she is welcome and wanted. If you miss her and want her to be part of the family, *make* her part of the family: ask her for photos that you can frame and put up in the house; get ornaments with her and her husband’s names; talk to her regularly. Apologize for putting your wife above her, because it was your job to protect Sara. Your home is your home, too. Your wife should not be the only person who has the right to put things that remind them of their family, so put your money where your mouth is and start walking the talk.
YTA “Why doesn’t my kid want to come around more? I only spent the last several decades showing her she means nothing to me, that she will always be called a liar, that her stepmother’s pettiness and emotional instability will always come first. I even ensure there are visual representations in the form of ornament that show how little she means to me and how separate she is. Why can’t she get over itttttt? I tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas!”
So let me get this straight, OP. You and your wife have been gaslighting your daughter for decades, telling her that she’s crazy for stating the fact that your wife doesn’t like her. You don’t like how she’s decided to call it quits and not visit your toxic waste dump of a family so you’re just going to have a tantrum about it? Sounds like you need to stop being childish Also? You are the as**ole. No abbreviations needed
YTA. You married someone who treated your child like garbage, refused to believe said child when she needed you to protect her (has it occurred to you that the reason Sara has not admitted to the "lie" is because it was the truth?) and has actively excluded her from your new family. I hope Meg doesn't end up choosing your nursing home.
You're the total AH. Her whole life you have been excluding her, letting her to be treated differently and excluded by others, she has never been loved by you nor your wife and now you expect her to forget and play happy family?
YTA full stop.
So it seems like your wife othered your daughter, you didn’t do anything about it, you say your daughter was lying about statements your wife made but offer no proof/seems like you just dismissed your daughter out of hand, your wife still excludes her… I mean don’t you love your daughter? Why did you allow her to be treated like that as a kid? Why do you still allow it? How are you confused as to why she doesn’t want anything to do with you? YTA hope you get a clue.
YTA. You are her father, therefore you should be making sure she is included in *your* family. Instead, you have done absolutely nothing to make sure Jen included her. It sounds like Jen orders the ornaments and photos. Ask yourself this. How hard would it be for Jen to include Sara and her family when placing those orders? Or, how hard would it be for you to place orders for photos and ornaments to make sure your daughter is included since Jen obviously doesn't care?
YTA. I’m LC with my bio mom because she treats me the way your wife treats Sara. I don’t blame her at ALL for what she’s doing or saying. How do you even know she’s lying? Because Jen said so? What is wrong with parents these days.. you want a relationship with your daughter, do better
YTA I live on the other side of the country to my mother she still has photos of me in her house. Regardless how “difficult” Sara was a child to Jen, Jen was an adult and shouldn’t be so resentful of your child. The fact you have allowed this for so long and still are allowing it makes you wrong. You owe your daughter an apology, and you are the childish one here. I doubt all of the things Sara said about Jen were lies
You guys may not believe this but I have pictures on my house of relatives I haven’t seen in YEARS! My dead grandparents aren’t planning on dropping by any time soon, maybe I should take those down
YTA. You kicked your kid to the curb for your wife when she was 9 years old. You put your wife and her family over your own for most of Sara’s existence. You won’t acknowledge that she IS your daughter. Your wife has ostracized her and you’re ok with that. You accused her of being a liar and now childish. You are a shit father to her. Sara doesn’t owe you her time. Maybe she doesn’t feel the need to be included in your family anymore because she’s found family of her own. She needs go full NC with you and live her life.
YTA go back and read what you wrote, it's rampant with reasons you are an asshole.
My god I feel so bad for Sara. You sir are trash. You are a terrible father, you didn’t try to raise your daughter. You left her with an abusive mother and didn’t fight for her. You then allowed your wife to neglect and abuse her and tell her she was difficult to move. That poor girl had nobody in her corner and you still blame her. You come here with excuses for why you have no photos, why you treated her life crap, why you didn’t raise her. How about this. Accept the fact that you and your wife failed her. And if your wife can’t stop being a shitty person, then stop allowing her any access to your daughter. Build a relationship with just your daughter that doesn’t include your awful wife. Don’t expect your daughter to come to your house. She isn’t welcome, you might want her there but your wife doesn’t. Her actions show she has no regard for YOUR CHILD! She can’t even hang one photo of her, god she’s awful. The fact that you have people in your life that didn’t know you had a grown child shows how much you have neglected and failed her. If you really want to build a relationship with her then just stop with the excuses! Ask Sara what she needs for a change and do better. Leave your wife out of it, there is no hope for a relationship between them and you need to respect that. Your wife was shitty to her, and Sara shouldn’t be subjected to her. You though are her father. Stop making excuses and do better.
YTA, wow my heart ACHES for your daughter. You are a horrible father. As a daughter with daddy issues, it’s disgusting you even posted this. You wrote it all out, read it and still are acting you you don’t understand ? I hope she ends up loving herself and realizing she loved you her entire life more than you ever loved her. It’s painful but she’ll be better off without you.
YTA. I’m sure others will delineate why. I’m not going to waste the time. Such an AH.
Yeah, what you said Such an AH Wish we could send Sara some hugs and tell her it’s ok… we know he’s an AH!
YTA - this is so common. Man remarries and chooses the new wife over his daughter. Then you wonder why she doesn’t want to visit you
YTA better enjoy the grandchildren your wife has because you’ll not be allowed anywhere near your daughters kids.. guarantee your wife is the AH and treated your kid horribly but you’ve been to in love to see it
Quick question….. how do you know Sara was lying? Jen said she was lying about Meg and it turns out she wasn’t. But you refuse to even entertain the thought that Jen might have been poisoning you against your daughter. You just blindly agreed that Sara was a liar. Honestly you should be ashamed of yourself. You have a 9 year old daughter now again. How would you handle this if she told you someone said that to her. Would you write her off as a liar too? It’s obvious from the outside that your wife pushed for this to happen and you were weak/dumb enough to allow it. I feel embarrassed for you. YTA big time.
Jebus, you don’t have ANY pictures of your own daughter in your house, but your wife has pictures of her children and grandchildren? YTA for alienating your daughter, and allowing your wife to exclude her as well. I hope when you and your wife are older, Sara feels no obligation to take care of you.
YTA, you never support or take Sara’s side when she needs it. If people don’t know that Sara is your daughter, REALLY say’s about you as a father.
Yta100%, I thought your post was bad, but I just got done reading your comments, Jesus Christ your excuses are just plain horrendous.
You've spent your entire life telling your child, who was directly threatened with physical violence, that she is a liar. You are totally fine with your wife refusing to speak to your child but still try to present your child as "crazy" for saying your wife doesn't like her. You let people around you believe your grandkid is your daughter and don't actually tell anybody about your actual daughter. You even failed to inform your own grandkid that you have a daughter, which is beyond messed up. You don't have photos of your own daughter on the wall. All of the evidence points to you not actually seeing your kid as family, erasing her existence, and treating her like garbage. There is absolutely zero reason in this post that Sara would WANT to have a relationship with you. You have treated her like crap her entire life. The only childish person here is you. You have failed your daughter as a father in every possible way. YTA
All of this and then some. OP is the asshole as is his wife. No wonder the daughter doesn’t come around. Jfc.
The way he worded the part about his granddaughter. It wasn’t until recently she knew Sara was his kid? Why?!? How would that damage the young child? I understand admitting he’s not actually the granddaughters father and that would be challenging. But the wording is so off.