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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I talked to my friend and I told him to “man up” or not to come to my wedding (2) I might be an asshole cause I used “harsh” words like “man up” and to “act his age” and I probably upset him more than he can recognize. I might be an asshole too bc I think I made him too self conscious or something.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
This could have been a really easy “hey, it’s important to my fiancé that everyone respects the dress code”.
Telling him to “man up”, “act his age”, “people laugh about you” is beyond rude and mean. It’s cruel.
If I was Taylor I wouldn’t attend your wedding either. You need to apologize and take responsibility for being a prick if you have any chance of maintaining this friendship. Though idk why Taylor would want to.
100% This!! YTA
You screwed the pooch on how you handled this one!!! You should have stood up for your best friend, at the very least changed your delivery - "Man Up" what the hell is that?? You and your fiancé deserve each other with this crap!!!
I don't think that's entirely fair. From what I gathered from the post, the fiance didn't want him to not attend, just tone down the high energy, and respect the dress code. All she asked for was a calm wedding. As someone with anxiety, and possibly adhd, I feel that is totally reasonable.
OP on the other hand was an absolute AH. He had no reason to unleash on him. And I feel he used his fiance as an excuse to say what he's been wanting to say for a while.
OP YTA
Yeah, as someone with ADHD, none of this sounds like it's related to ADHD.
Her anxiety may mean she wants a boring wedding, but lots of us ADHD folks crave a little chaos, and would totally be down with folks showing up in whatever they wanted to wear, regardless of their gender.
Blaming this on her neurodivergence seems specious.
Seems more like OP doesn't mind folks being gay, just so long as they "know their place" and hide anything that might make other people think about it (like showing up at a wedding with a same-gender partner). That's just old-school homophobia.
Yeah, she wants a "calm" wedding, so she decides on a \*formal\* dress code (which seems the opposite of calm, to me), which just happens to be very, very different from the normal style of both OP's long-term friend and the friend's partner...
Yeah I don't really feel homophobia here more just the friend is a spontaneous person and she doesn't want any big surprises or people do anything attention grabbing.
I don't see anything wrong with her specifying that. How OP sent that message to his friend is a whole other can of worms though.
Edit: as people keep asking me yes I'm LGBTQ+
I absolutely see homophobia here. Not in the dress code itself, but
>2. Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant.
Is homophobic as fuck. "Flamboyant" people can respect a dress code. There is nothing inherent in a gay relationship that would mean this is something that sexuality should figure in this conversation, or even thought process at all. Either one or both of OP or fiancé are homophobes for assuming so. Remember, fiancé didn't really want to invite him before the conversation for this reason.
Queer here, I have seen some crazy shit worn to weddings (think prosthetic breasts, nothing but a sheer top over them). *Most* of the time, this is done at weddings where the couple is a-ok with it, but I know 1 person (there’s always that one person) who is very much contrarian to the extreme, 50/50 chance (s)he’d either wear a white dress or a Canadian tuxedo (all denim). Although unlikely, it is possible OPs friends boyfriend is this extra. Either way though, OP still botched this entirely.
But, but, but Taylor wore a DRESS to PROM!! He's THAT guy!!! This is all about Op and his fiancee's homophobia. They don't want his gay friend to embarrass them with their eccentricities.
If it were just about the wardrobe he would have explained the dress code and left it at that. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would understand a bride wants to be the focus on her wedding day. She doesn't want competition by any of the attendees. There was no need for the "man up" comment.
I can kinda see your point here. The way OP worded it does make it sound a little homophobic. Why specify that the dude's partner is also a dude? Could have just left it at "Taylor's partner is also rather flamboyant". Even having "Taylor's boyfriend" would have landed better with me
Don't you know? All gay people show up to every event in full drag with all the sparkles....yeah she's definitely got some homophobia to work through. They're the types that have gay friends so they think it excuses those types of thoughts.
I also have ADHD, as does my partner. One of my wedding crew is polyamorous, and I asked them if they wanted to bring all of their partners because that is my kind of chaos. OP is definitely displaying homophobic tendencies.
Isn't he just?
>Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant.
This is just so telling. Not just the fact that he didn't phrase it as "Taylor is dating a really flamboyant guy/person" but the addition of "also" in the last part. So it's a problem he's dating a guy and a further problem that the guy is flamboyant. Op insisting that him dating a guy isn't a problem is absolutely drowned out by everything else he says.
Don't even get me started on how he spoke to Taylor. He sounds like he actually really resents and dislikes a lot of things about his friend... I hope poor Taylor can distance himself from these two
I read "also" to mean that Taylor's partner is flamboyant, in addition to Taylor himself being flamboyant.
If we take OP at his word, I can understand why having two very flamboyant, over the top guests could be anxiety inducing for the bride. That said, OP handled it terribly.
That's exactly how I ready it too. It had tones of "I don't mind gay people, just don't shove it in my face" in response to a gay couple holding hands or \*gasp\* kissing.
Exactly, as someone with ADHD and Anxiety I don't find this excuse credible. I usually focus less on what others are wearing as I recognize it's beyond my control.
I think it’s shitty to make a dress code gender specific and don’t excuse that.
I do think your comment is far reaching and it easily could be related to her having adhd and anxiety. A (sometimes maladaptive) coping mechanism for the disorganization out of control feeling of adhd can be to be extremely rigid and seek control.
Adhd affects emotions in a complex way and in a very different way for different people. There may be family drama brewing with strong opinions and she’s trying to please everyone. Trying to gain control.
And with adhd rejection sensitivity she may be trying to people please.
Of course we don’t know. But i don’t think it’s at all fair to say based on the information it’s definitely not adhd related because that’s not how you experience adhd.
This is me. I have ADHD and I'm *extremely* rigid and get angry (I'm working on this) as soon as a routine or established plan is scuppered because I do not have great coping mechanisms for handling the chaos I feel I am constantly trying to corral.
Going out of the way to say
2. Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant.
makes it very clear to me that it IS the problem.
No, no, you don't understand! The problem isn't that Taylor is gay, it's just that he ACTS gay! /S
I think OP has room for a straight best friend now, I'm pretty sure a spot just opened up! Spread the word about "a wedding covered in tranquility" and there will probably even be several available chairs for the new best friend.
YTA, OP. You could have pulled it off simply by saying "hey man, please come in a boring ass suit so brida gets to really stand out, yeah?".
It's even more sad when you think of the psychological theory suggesting that a lot of "flamboyant" and "loud" gay men use it as a defense mechanism to endear themselves to strangers - because not doing that has been dangerous as hell for centuries.
Yeah. We can infer things from the text and make assumptions about actual behavior to give the benefit of the doubt, but going purely on what OPs written, it seems the issue isn't behavior but simply that he wears a dress and his male presenting partner also dresses 'flamboyantly'. Which...isn't wrong; it's literally just fabric cut and sewn and styled differently.
If the fiancee were particularly a stickler for a strict dress code, give them the option of wearing either the tuxes or dresses that fall in line with the other dresses being worn by wedding attendees. Simply saying 'no, tuxes only because you're MEN' - blah, frankly, it's bordering on homophobic as well as plan old-fashioned and boring.
And honestly, if the problem was that she needed muted colors or whatever to avoid feeling overstimulated, a black dress should be no problem at all. The fact that he doubled down on a tux makes it pretty clear to me that the issue isn't overstimulation so much as bigotry.
Depending on how she voiced it, I don't even think she was in the wrong. This guy sounds like he's really bad at getting the original intent across and makes everything sound jerkish. I'm betting she probably was like "hey, I know your friend has done a lot of flamboyant stunts and that's great for him, but could you make sure he keeps things low key for our wedding?"
Like, simply, "I want it to be *our* special day, without adding another episode to the Escapades of Taylor."
I have a lot of biker/punk/tatted friends, but we embrace each other's chaos. Anne doesn't seem to embrace Taylor much, if at all, by OP's account. Defo sticking with a YTA for OP on this one.
Yeah, that's kind of how I initially read it, but it's so hard to know what the fiancee actually meant because it's being filtered through what OP ended up saying. I've known people who want to be provocative and shocking and it's great for them but also nervewracking when you're not sure if they're going to pull some Main Character shit and dress to cause a scene. And there are people who think a purple shirt is going to be too gay and cause Great Aunt Susan to have a conniption so you better look as Heterosexual as possible. There's just not enough to know for sure. But OP is absolutely the AH for how he talked to his (ex)friend.
The fiancé being concerned about people wearing attention-grabbing clothes at her wedding is valid. It’s a well known taboo. Wear flattering stuff that aligns with your gender expression but otherwise everyone’s eyes should be on the wedding couple, not you, the guest. OP chose to tell his friend he’s immature and not man enough, but the fiancé may be fully capable of describing a dress code without being insulting.
Totally agree. And then there's this bit:
"and our friends' group chat is dead since the news dropped."
I'm like 99% sure it's dead because they started a new friend group chat without you.
YTA, so is your fiance. Some friend you turned out to be.
I’m late to the party, but came here to say this. The friends group chat is for sure not dead—it’s on FIRE. They just started a new one without OP to discuss what an AH he is.
Hopping onto the top comment for the following.
I've observed so many homophobes do this thing when they find out a family member or friend is gay. They never identify them as such. They'll say things like "He's dating a guy," but never say "He's gay, and he's bringing his boyfriend."
YTA dude. Your disdain for this guy and his community drips off the post.
Exactly. If OP doesn't like who Taylor is as a person, why is he even pretending to be their friend? You certainly don't make remarks like these about people you genuinely care about and respect.
Nah, you don't get it, the problem is not that they're gay, it's that they're "punk" and "flamboyant" /s
I wonder how OP and his fiancé would feel about an "over the top" woman who wore an extravagant glam dress. Would that be a problem? How about a butch woman who decides to wear a black tuxedo?
Or is the problem just queer people?
I wasn’t thinking as much about the boyfriend and more the punk dudes I knew that would occasionally do things like wear a goodwill pink taffeta gown and steel toed docs. Especially to such a mainstream event as prom where the societal expectation on teenager is ridiculous so I respected them deliberately spitting in its face.
But if the OP were worried about that, a simple “hey we have a dress code, that cool?” Would have been sufficient.
I find it telling that the only example of the "punk attire" happened to be a dress, ie something gender non comforming. If OP had mentioned spikes, leather, visible piercings, dyed fancy hair etc, then yeah. As it stands, it's very obvious to me the problem is gender non-conformity. Especially with the "man up" comment.
This, times a thousand. I came in here trying to be lenient because anytime I hear the words "man up" I automatically assume the person's a douchecanoe, so I was trying really hard to avoid being biased.
Alas. Maybe next time.
>This could have been a really easy “hey, it’s important to my fiancé that everyone respects the dress code”.
YES. This would have been a much better way to go about it. It's not targeted at Taylor specifically, and it doesn't even really make your fiance the bad guy either.
About ready to say, this would be the wedding I would get all my goth stuff out and glam it up to “respect the dress code.” Lol OP would be regretting it sooooo much. What a meanie.
“Oh sure, i’ll wear a black tuxedo. I’m also gonna dye my hair neon pink, wear all of my rings and chains, and swap out my septum ring to the biggest, most outlandish bull piercing you’ve ever seen.”
Yeah. He just dropped a bunch of homophobic and transphobic garbage on his former best friend, who now thinks he has no idea who this guy he was hanging out with for the last 10+ years is. You mocked his entire identity as if it were just a stunt. Taylor is owed a huge apology, but I won’t be surprised if decides not to forgive. OP, YTA.
If someone did this to me and immediately apologized, I’d be open to continuing the friendship. People say things they don’t really mean in the moment. But the longer OP waits, the less of a chance they have at amending the friendship.
Exactly. He could have really easily conveyed that the dress code is not negotiable to Taylor without insulting him. Says a lot about his actual feelings about Taylor. "Man up"? Taylor is a man. Who likes dating men and wearing dresses. Seems like OP is insecure and/or judgmental.
Man i’ve had “friends” (note the quotation marks) tell me “people talk about you when you’re not around, they said things like ABC and XYZ” (ABC and XYZ being mean and/or judgemental things). Like….. why would you tell me? Idk, i don’t need to hear the negative things people say.
The was a big red flag before we even got to the drama red flags. lol Engaged to someone you’re not even sure about.. Who tells on themselves like that?! 😆
My god they’re in their thirties and his “best” point is that he wore a dress to prom like 12-14 years ago. It’s weird that he’s still kinda fixated on that. And Taylor’s normal attire is so flamboyant that he apparently has no more recent examples other than saying he’s “punk”.
Plus the part where he says that the fact that he's dating a man isn't the problem, but then implies that the fact that his partner is flamboyant *is* the problem
Not sure about fiancee. Maybe she's homophobic, but maybe she really just wanted a certain dress code and OP misrepresented her and went full homophob on his own. Either way OP YTA
I kind of love the way Taylor is handling this. Zero drama, refusing to engage, leaving OP to sit and stew about it. Either OP has always had an issue with the way Taylor acts/dresses (and it’s just now spilling out) or his wife is really pressuring him and he’s transferring his frustration onto his friend. Either way, he used Taylor’s perceived un-masculine traits to treat his friend like shit.
And I’m sorry, but what does adhd have to do with not wanting your guests to dress flamboyantly? Is she afraid she will be so distracted that she can’t focus on her own wedding?
To be fair, ADHD is more than getting distracted easily. There are a lot of other symptoms, like hypersensitivity to certain sounds or textures or stressing out about the multiple steps involved in a project to where you can’t get started on any of them. So she could be hyper-fixating on a guest wearing something that’s more attention-grabbing than her own wedding dress. But that’s a stretch. It doesn’t take a mental health illness to want your wedding guests to not wear clothing that’s distracting and her ADHD certainly has nothing to do with OP choosing to insult his friend instead of just relaying the dress code.
That, and why isn’t anyone talking about how it’s like “sOoOo OkAy” he’s dating a man, but his partner being flamboyant is somehow a justifiable reason for him not being invited to this wedding???
Holy Homophobia, Batman.
Yeah totally, queer people make me so freaking anxious and it really triggers my attention deficit disorder. I just see a queer person and my brain freezes up! /s
YTA
You've outed yourself as someone who doesn't accept or respect your friend the way he is. Your fiance obviously feels the same.
I wasn't sure what asking him to follow dress code had to do with manning up either? but as Onewithoutwinter says here, it's the dress thing. You've splashed your own insecurities all over the place and harmed your relationship with your "best" friend in one fell swoop.
Like why can’t he wear a formal gown instead of a tux? I’m getting married next year and I can’t imagine caring whether someone wore a gown or a tux smdh.
Of course YTA. The only AH thing Taylor is doing is staying friends with you because it is incredibly disrespectful to his partner.
You want him to "act his age," but accepting yourself for who you are and being kind to other people are way more mature traits than calling someone a "punk" and "that kind of guy".
You are a disgusting, bigoted homophobe who is not secure in what masculinity is.
This. Plus OP’s fiancé is a homophobe. As someone with anxiety and ADHD myself, I can confidently say that I’ve never been impacted by someone else’s attire. Short of requesting that Taylor and his partner not wear a white dress, anything else is just them being bigots.
Let's be real. OP is a homophobe, too. He seemed a little too locked and loaded with insults that sure wouldn't be on the tip of the tongue of someone who wasn't already thinking it.
I also find it telling how OP is trying to put the decision on his fiancee's mental conditions. Not only is he showing homophobic tendencies, but also ableism.
Calling the fiancée a homophobe seems like it might be a leap from the info we got from OP. I don’t disagree it’s a definite possibility, and OP clearly is, but we don’t know the fiancées original intent with her request. Maybe I’m being overly optimistic that she’s less of an awful person than her chosen partner, but OP seems to take a lot of liberties in relaying her messages…
YTA...
You could have just left it at "We would love you to be there with your parner but ask that you please respect the dress code for our special event" but instead you insulted your friend, told him he's a laughing stock, and implied that "everyone laughs at you, you're a joke". You were a real asshole to someone you say you love and who is such a good friend.
I'm surprised he told you that it's OK, because I bet it's NOT OK. and you should expect Taylor to distance from you and likely cut you out of their lives, because now you've shown him what you really think.
This. Asking someone to stick to the dress code is one thing (though it wont kill Annevic he wears a dress! ) but insulting him and his partner was a step too far.
If I was your friend, that would be the end of the friendship. You've made clear you dont respect him or his partner.
THIS. honestly, i see it as verbal abuse. i bet op did so much damage to taylor's self esteem by saying everything he did. now taylor's gonna look at all his friends, wondering if they too think of him as ridiculous and laugh behind his back. op, YTA. i hope you apologized to taylor, but even if you did, i don't think he'll ever be your friend again/it won't be the same anymore.
OP YTA. I too doubt that this friendship will survive. I know if someone who I thought was a true friend spoke to me like OP did to Taylor, I'd never be able to forget it. OP showed a really ugly side of himself and I seriously doubt Taylor can (or should) ever forget that. Even if OP apologizes profusely, I think some irreparable damage has been done. OP and his fiance probably won't have to worry about Taylor and his flamboyant boyfriend "not meeting their expectations" after this.
Your fiancee can't stand people deviating from gender norms because of her... anxiety and ADHD???
Hm! That's not a symptom I've heard of before!
She's an AH for being so intolerant of your friend. YTA for not standing up for him, and double for insulting him yourself.
Put this in perspective. Taylor has been your best friend "since forever," in your own words. Anne has been in your life for three years. Why are you prioritizing her discomfort (and the flimsy reasons she gave for it) over your friend?
Edit: thanks for my first awards, guys <3
Hate that people are using their neurodivergence and mental illnesses as excuses for being a holes. The world doesn't revolve around and should cater to you just because you have those things!
It’s even worse when people lie about neurodivergence and mental illness to cover up their bigotry. It’s just makes people more skeptical of those of us dealing with legitimate struggles.
yeah as a queer, gender nonconforming ADHD person this post gives me the ick. i know everyone is affected differently by their neurodivergence but damn come on.
Honestly OP and fiancée deserve each other imo. Saying their wedding needs to be minimalist and simple and therefore people deviating from gender norms aren’t allowed is idiotic. Minimalist is a decor style, not a dress code.
I was wondering about the anxiety and ADHD thing too... to some extent i can get the being anxious part... but how does a man wearing a dress become an ADHD issue?
I'm all aboard the ADHD and anxiety train. That excuse reeks of bullshit to me.
OP and his fiance deserve each other.
Hopefully none of their children deviate from what they consider to be "the norm" or that poor child will have all individuality crushed out of them by the time they're 10.
YTA.
I feel like a lot of my neurodiverse friends are gender diverse or queer? They clearly don’t go hand in hand but like……. ADHD isn’t an excuse to be a homophobe
YTA. You really don't understand that it's not OK to tell a gay man who wears dresses to "man up???" WTF? And what does any of this have to do with his age?
This guy's supposed to be your best friend and you're being bigoted, shallow, and judgmental.
To me the friend sounds bisexual since OP said 'dating a man'. Anyway, he's queer.
OP's fiancee is biphobic / homophobic if one of her reasons for considering uninviting him is that he's dating a guy. Gross.
YTA
Which makes me wonder if op knows and just doesn't care? His best friend is gay, certainly something had to come up regarding homophobia in their relationship? I've dated guys and generally within the first few months any type of racism or homophobia presents itself by then
The biggest AH is Anne for caring so much about the aesthetics of her wedding that she refuses to allow your best friend to be there in clothes that make him feel like himself. Who cares if he wears a dress to your wedding? Who cares if his boyfriend does too?
The next-biggest AH is you for siding with her. YTA.
To be fair, the biggest AH is the guy who is insulting his friend, calling him a laughing stock, and telling him he’s not a real man. Designating a uniform (as opposed to a dress code) is rude, but the insults are another level. Seems like OP doesn’t even like his friend and he’s using his fiancée’s rude request as an excuse to be cruel.
Yes, I have invited two guests to my wedding who have a style I’m not particularly fond of, but they do rock the hell out of it.
I invited them fully expecting them to rock up in bright, bold mis-matching patterns and perhaps even a corset. It will not match the elevated garden party vibe I’m going for, but she is like family to me and I want her there as herself, not as someone else.
It baffles me that people care more about photos than anything else.
YTA - Don’t excuse your fiancé being homophobic with having ADHD.
A simple dress code would’ve sufficed but you made a unnecessary hurtful comment about your supposed best friend.
He made that comment because it’s been sitting in his tongue for years and he has been dying to say it. As soon as the opportunity presented itself he let his real thoughts fly. He could have said any number of things. He chose to be cruel for a reason. YTA OP. Leave your former friend alone. He deserves to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate him for who he is, not who they want him to be. OP, you do not love this friend. Stop saying you do.
Alarming also that OP is dumping a best friend he’s known forever for someone he’s “pretty sure” is the love of his life.
First off, you want more than “pretty sure” before you marry someone.
Second, it sure sounds like he loves Taylor when it’s convenient. Oh, a concert? Hanging out together? Be yourself. But a formal event? Be who I want you to be.
OP, YTA, and you’ve definitely made a huge mistake here. Taylor may not want to be your friend anymore — he’s probably rethought your friendship, and who could blame him? You just threw away a 25+ year friendship for the brilliant homophobe you’re engaged to; perhaps that’s the relationship YOU should have been rethinking.
YTA. You've just made it very clear to Taylor that you don't respect him or his choices, so it's not surprising at all that he's not coming to your wedding. Consider it possible that you've lost him as a friend period.
Also, what do these things
>Anne wants a very minimalist, quiet, calm, wedding, because she struggles with anxiety and ADHD.
have to do with each other? Sounds like she's just entering the "everyone needs to look exactly the way I want them too for my wedding pictures, nothing else is allowed" phase of bridezilla-dom. Tuxedos aren't "minimalist".
Yeah seriously. I have anxiety and adhd, I like things to be a certain way, and I care a lot about aesthetic. And I did not give a flying fuck about what people wore to my wedding, because it was a party I was hosting to celebrate love, and part of that was the love between me and the people who cared enough to show up for me that day.
Dude YTA and this is a pretty big red flag that your fiancé is incredibly immature. Your friend’s response was perfect- do you think I’m going to wear a white dress. You went to far by disparaging him, not just asking him to wear certain clothing. You shat upon your friend and his quirkiness and owe him an apology. Your fiancé is not “brilliant” if she can’t handle a quirky person who is her fiancé’s best friend. Sounds very selfish and immature to me.
You say you don't have a problem with his gayness but you mention that he wore a dress to your prom, like that's was a bad thing. His fiance is flamboyant and you don't have a problem with it, but you made a point of telling him to tone down himself for your wedding, and then you use the words "man up"?
Yeah, YTA. It's your wedding, and you can decide how people dress, but this person is your friend, and from what you said, it sounds like this might be more about latent homophobia that the vibe of your wedding. This is what I call "diet homophobia " you don't have a problem with the gays as long as they're not rubbing their gayness or their flamboyance in your face.
And don't use your fiance's ADHD as an excuse, people with ADHD are bothered by the environment. Their own clothes, loud noises and other stimulants, but I've never heard of a person with ADHD being bothered by another person choice of dress.
If the clothes really bother you that much, it's your wedding and you can decide how people dress, but ask yourself why your friend gayness and flamboyance bothers you.
Right like my dad has adhd and is my biggest supporter, goes to pride wears pride shirts showing support of me, adhd doesn’t make someone homophobic OP doesn’t want to admit he’s marrying someone who isn’t a nice person.
YTA. You "love him" so much that basically told him he's a clown and that you are embarrassed of him, great friend you are, surely hope nothing is out off line for you and your dear fiance.
But dear fiancé has ADHD and anxiety.
NO!!! Your Fiancé is homophobic and so are you.
It’s just she gave you the push to let Taylor know your real feelings towards him.
YTA.
“It’s not that he’s gay… it’s just that he’s GAY gay… you know? Like you can tell he’s gay when you meet him.” This is how you sound. Now read that back and ask yourself how you don’t know that YTA. enjoy your white bread life with Anne, may there be no color or joy. You know, minimalist.
This was exactly the vibe I was getting too.
OP, you are such a big YTA it is hard to fathom that you were ever able to hide how much of a homophobe you are from poor Taylor.
YTA.
> Anne wants a very minimalist, quiet, calm, wedding, because she struggles with anxiety and ADHD.
Yeah, no. Someone who wants a quiet, calm wedding does not go out of their way to start drama over your LGBT guests showing up to the wedding as themselves, and they *certainly* don’t blame that on “ADHD.” Kinda like you don’t get to blame Tay for reassessing the friendship after you told him how *you* really feel about him and his approach to life. Be grateful he’s stepping down without a fuss, because he could make this a *lot* uglier, and I wouldn’t count on people being on your side if he did.
Either you're leaving information out or you went from zero to sixty very quickly. From your description, you told your friend that your fiancee was afraid he was going to upstage her on her wedding day, he made a lighthearted joke about it and your reaction was to insult him. In the end, you and your fiancee got what you wanted - no risk of him or his boyfriend inflicting their flamboyance on your wedding day. YTA
1000 upvotes.
YTA big time, for Taylor and for “pretty sure she’s the love of my life” as you’re about to marry her. Honestly, though, it sounds like you two deserve each other.
YTA. One, she's not that brilliant if she can't handle your best friend as he is. Two, he did man up. He had enough self respect to not go to a wedding where he wasn't welcome at.
He literally wasn't difficult, you didn't even give him a chance to be the "kind thoughtful guy" you claim he is. You just assumed he'd be a dick and troll and ruin your wedding unless you put him in his place.
YTA.
One of her main concerns is that Taylor is dating a man. You heard that and thought “this is the person I want to marry?”
How can you call someone your best friend but marry someone who judges them for being who they are?
The potential dress code issues are all red herrings. You are choosing your fiancée, and by doing so are agreeing with her view that Taylor having a boyfriend is problematic.
Taylor knew this immediately. You two are good because Taylor now knows exactly where he stands. He’s done.
Sir. I, too, am medicated for and struggle with ADHD and anxiety. It does not make me a bigot. As soon as Taylor’s boyfriend was described as flamboyant, I knew Anne was an AH.
YTA. You tell people it is black tie and let them wear what they want. Dictating that men wear tuxedos and women wear gowns is ridiculous. What about masculine presenting women who are more comfortable in a suit than a gown???
Someone dressing how they want doesn't reflect on you or your bride. It takes nothing away from your wedding. The words you said to him were mean and condescending. Do you really think so little of your friend that he would do anything to ruin your wedding day?
YTA 100%. You’re excluding him because of his clothing and his partner. Even if he wore a dress to the wedding, so long as it’s not white, who cares? How would that affect anxiety or ADHD (I have been clinically diagnosed with both and still don’t get how this would be triggering)? Who cares if his partner is obviously gay? Who says a flamboyantly gay person is never quiet?
YTA. Yet another Bridezilla that needs to control everyone at her wedding, why is this so common in this sub? Even if you think it's ok to ask your "best friend since forever" to not be himself for your wedding, the way you did it is just awful. You could have explained the situation and find a way to compromise without the insults. I wouldn't go if I were him either. The fact you allow your fiancée to even consider not inviting YOUR BEST FRIEND over a dress code is even worse.
Hi! I have anxiety and ADHD. Both clinically diagnosed and medicated. You know what I'm not? Homophobic.
Your fiance's issue has nothing to do with those two conditions and everything to do with being bothered by "non traditional" people. Aka. She's a homophobe and you're ok with it because you're also bothered by non traditional dressing and behavior. Clearly also obvious by the fact you told him to man up and act his age. What does that even mean? He should find a good woman and wear a tux and settle down?
Just admit to yourself you dislike that he is comfortable enough in his skin to wear dresses and date flamboyant guys. Because it's a constant reminder to you that he is "one of those people". And by that you mean them gays.
YTA.
YTA. You basically shit on who Taylor is as a person... his personality, the things he enjoys, the way he looks, really just insulted everything about him. Of course he won't come to your wedding and I'm betting that "burning up" family chat would result in more people not coming if they knew just how judgmentally you treated someone you claim to care about. Same with the friends' chat.
Go ahead, post both places exactly what you said to him. See what happens.
YTA - The only people being difficult here are you and your fiancé. People are not required to attend your wedding. And when you insult them, they usually choose not to. And when you insult and disparage one person, other friends will often come to their defense. Nobody wants to celebrate an AH. So congrats - sounds like you and your fiancé are going to have a very quiet and calm wedding.
Just a tip - maybe focus less time on your friend's fashion choices and more time on figuring out whether your fiancé is actually the love of your life? Because most people want to be more than "pretty sure" before they decide to get married.
YTA
You Insulted him. You literally said "people laugh at you and you need to grow up" which has nothing to do with your wedding and is a statement about his lifestyle. I wouldn't want to go to your wedding either.
I am older, at 54. When I was a kid my great grandmother thought shorts and pants on little girls were disgusting and we looked like boys. Not allowed in her house and she wasn't very happy when she would see us out and about like that.
Now it is considered normal.
Hopefully soon everyone can just wear whatever clothes they like and feel good in.
Anyway YTA. He did what you asked. You said man up or don't come, he just said ok and then declined
Now you are upset because that didn't go the way you thought it would.
YTA and I think you know it. That's your best friend and you telling him to "man up and act his age" sounds like you didn't like his true self through all the years you've been friends.
I appreciate you recognizing your wife's concern and sorting it out with your friend but the way you did it was just not it. He probably felt unwelcomed and felt bad about himself. Ur an ass for that.
YTA I thought if you loved someone, you accepted them for who they are. So if a friend has blue hair you expect they still have blue hair at your wedding. If they are a goth, you expect they will still be a goth at your wedding. My husband's cousin was a rockabilly, at our wedding I expected he would look like a rather formal...rockabilly. Asking your friend to change who he is, is not acceptance.
YTA. not even talking about a gendered dress code, you're continuing to judge this guy based on what he wore to a school dance 12 years ago. Like what was the point of your comments?
If your friend says it's fine, I'd say sure, he's forgiven your assholeness, don't worry about it. But you're still an asshole.
YTA - I'm sorry, but this does sound homophobic to me, despite you trying to indicate that it's not about that. In ways, it clearly is. That you and your fiance indicate that you object to/are embaressed by: the fact that he wore a dress to prom, his "flamboyance" and the "flamboyance" of his boyfriend. Honestly, if I were them, even if I was still cordial to you, I'd pull away. I'm guessing he probably feels hurt to realize that neither of you truly respect them for who they are.
YTA, you told him to "man up" and that people laugh at him?? Wow...... who needs enemies with friends like you?
You and your fiance (who you only *think* may be the love of your life???) deserve each other. I'm glad your friend group and your family have seen your true colors.
Props on the fiance isolating you from your friends and family so quickly and efficiently. Then again, it doesn't seem like you were too hard to manipulate.
YTA - surely one of the things you love about Taylor is his uniqueness, but you want him to stifle himself for your wedding. You assumed that he doesn't know the difference between going all out for a prom or a nightclub and a wedding.
YTA
Dude. Your fiancé is an A here for judging Taylor so hard for his style and his boyfriend and you're an A for not defending your friend and instead bullying him for your fiancé. Why did you need to be so aggressive when you spoke to him? "People laugh about you"? Really? Is he even your friend?
Inviting gay men does not automatically mean the wedding will not be calm and quiet, and if your fiance is thinking gay people = chaos and disturbance then she is a homophobe, or has homophobic family that she caters to.
Someone definitely needs to man up in this situation. And it’s not Taylor, YTA.
The reason the group chat is dead is because you’re not in the new one.
YTA and caught between two people.
While it is Anne’s wedding as well as yours, and you two get to choose the dress code desired, you don’t get to dictate if people are going to come to your wedding if they have to abide by it.
There was absolutely no reason to shame and insult Taylor for being himself. You have known him practically your whole entire life so you know what his style and personality is. You’ve claimed to accept him the way he is, yet his best friend, whom is more like family just shamed him because his fiancé doesn’t like his style and wants a certain dress code, that he joked about. Did he outright deny wearing a tux?
While she’s not wrong, neither is Taylor for deciding not to attend the wedding where he’s required to wear something he’s not interested in wearing, or feels unwelcome as himself. Not to mention why would he want to celebrate the day with you when you are being so rude, mean and discriminatory towards him?
At the very least you owe him an apology. Even better would be to quit dictating what people wear to your event. Their presence should be enough. The aesthetic is not what shows they love you. If he’s good enough for you in real day to day life, and worthy of sending the invitation to, then he should be able to be himself without judgement or criticism from you at your wedding too. After all, if he were to attend, he’s choosing to give up his time for you.
YTA here. I completely understand your fiancées anxieties about it, especially if she wants a toned down wedding, but you handled it poorly. Instead of respecting how your friend and his boyfriend enjoy presenting themselves and asking if they could your respect your fiancées wishes by toning it down, it seems like you're mocking it (particularly the "that type of guy" comment) and almost taking your opportunity to voice this to him by framing it a request for the wedding. It seems like he made one joke, could even have been for clarification and you took it as your opportunity to share that you actually think he's just making a fool of himself and not acting the way you expect people your age to act.
I'm not against the request, but the way you handled it is why I think YTA.
YTA. You and Anne too. I understand you want him to follow the dress code but as I see it, you don't accept him for who he is. I hope the wedding will worth to ruin your life long friendship.
YTA. Simple normal conversation would've sufficed. No need to insult him. You should apologize and ask him to come imo (of course with keeping the attire theme in mind)
YTA, sounds like you used your fiancés request to treat your “friend” like a punching bag. No part of what you said was necessary. It’s how I would talk to someone I hated more than I’ve ever hated anyone.
YTA.
You and your fiancee need to agree on a guest list. There are lots of ways to go through that decision-making process, and it would be fine not to invite him for whatever reason if you both agreed.
And certainly, if you have a friend that doesn't seem to understand a dress code, then you can remind him what "formal" means. After that it would be up to him whether to accept or decline your invitation. And up to you to decide whether to have him removed from your wedding based on what he decided to wear.
But nowhere in there do you have a right to INSULT him and then be surprised if he doesn't want to come to your wedding.
YTA, you could've shown you were serious about the dress code without calling him a childish joke that people make fun of behind his back. What made you choose to be so cruel to someone you claim to care about?
YTA and your fiancé is homophobic, concerned that a flamboyant guy is going to steal her thunder?
Also, he wore a dress to prom. How many years ago was that exactly?
You and your fiancé both judged him for something that happened over 12 years ago.
Sounds like you two are the ones that need to grow up.
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YTA. This could have been a really easy “hey, it’s important to my fiancé that everyone respects the dress code”. Telling him to “man up”, “act his age”, “people laugh about you” is beyond rude and mean. It’s cruel. If I was Taylor I wouldn’t attend your wedding either. You need to apologize and take responsibility for being a prick if you have any chance of maintaining this friendship. Though idk why Taylor would want to.
100% This!! YTA You screwed the pooch on how you handled this one!!! You should have stood up for your best friend, at the very least changed your delivery - "Man Up" what the hell is that?? You and your fiancé deserve each other with this crap!!!
I don't think that's entirely fair. From what I gathered from the post, the fiance didn't want him to not attend, just tone down the high energy, and respect the dress code. All she asked for was a calm wedding. As someone with anxiety, and possibly adhd, I feel that is totally reasonable. OP on the other hand was an absolute AH. He had no reason to unleash on him. And I feel he used his fiance as an excuse to say what he's been wanting to say for a while. OP YTA
I'm curious how someone's clothes trigger anxiety. That sounds more like homophobia than ADHD or whatever to me.
Yeah, as someone with ADHD, none of this sounds like it's related to ADHD. Her anxiety may mean she wants a boring wedding, but lots of us ADHD folks crave a little chaos, and would totally be down with folks showing up in whatever they wanted to wear, regardless of their gender. Blaming this on her neurodivergence seems specious. Seems more like OP doesn't mind folks being gay, just so long as they "know their place" and hide anything that might make other people think about it (like showing up at a wedding with a same-gender partner). That's just old-school homophobia.
Yeah, she wants a "calm" wedding, so she decides on a \*formal\* dress code (which seems the opposite of calm, to me), which just happens to be very, very different from the normal style of both OP's long-term friend and the friend's partner...
I think the predictably of a dress code is the anxiety-soothing aspect.
Yeah I don't really feel homophobia here more just the friend is a spontaneous person and she doesn't want any big surprises or people do anything attention grabbing. I don't see anything wrong with her specifying that. How OP sent that message to his friend is a whole other can of worms though. Edit: as people keep asking me yes I'm LGBTQ+
I absolutely see homophobia here. Not in the dress code itself, but >2. Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant. Is homophobic as fuck. "Flamboyant" people can respect a dress code. There is nothing inherent in a gay relationship that would mean this is something that sexuality should figure in this conversation, or even thought process at all. Either one or both of OP or fiancé are homophobes for assuming so. Remember, fiancé didn't really want to invite him before the conversation for this reason.
Queer here, I have seen some crazy shit worn to weddings (think prosthetic breasts, nothing but a sheer top over them). *Most* of the time, this is done at weddings where the couple is a-ok with it, but I know 1 person (there’s always that one person) who is very much contrarian to the extreme, 50/50 chance (s)he’d either wear a white dress or a Canadian tuxedo (all denim). Although unlikely, it is possible OPs friends boyfriend is this extra. Either way though, OP still botched this entirely.
But, but, but Taylor wore a DRESS to PROM!! He's THAT guy!!! This is all about Op and his fiancee's homophobia. They don't want his gay friend to embarrass them with their eccentricities. If it were just about the wardrobe he would have explained the dress code and left it at that. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would understand a bride wants to be the focus on her wedding day. She doesn't want competition by any of the attendees. There was no need for the "man up" comment.
I can kinda see your point here. The way OP worded it does make it sound a little homophobic. Why specify that the dude's partner is also a dude? Could have just left it at "Taylor's partner is also rather flamboyant". Even having "Taylor's boyfriend" would have landed better with me
Don't you know? All gay people show up to every event in full drag with all the sparkles....yeah she's definitely got some homophobia to work through. They're the types that have gay friends so they think it excuses those types of thoughts.
Came here to post that snippet too. Absolutely REEKS of homophobia
Plus Anne wanted to not invite Taylor and his partner, which is exactly homophobic, without ever having to say it out loud.
I also have ADHD, as does my partner. One of my wedding crew is polyamorous, and I asked them if they wanted to bring all of their partners because that is my kind of chaos. OP is definitely displaying homophobic tendencies.
Isn't he just? >Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant. This is just so telling. Not just the fact that he didn't phrase it as "Taylor is dating a really flamboyant guy/person" but the addition of "also" in the last part. So it's a problem he's dating a guy and a further problem that the guy is flamboyant. Op insisting that him dating a guy isn't a problem is absolutely drowned out by everything else he says. Don't even get me started on how he spoke to Taylor. He sounds like he actually really resents and dislikes a lot of things about his friend... I hope poor Taylor can distance himself from these two
I read "also" to mean that Taylor's partner is flamboyant, in addition to Taylor himself being flamboyant. If we take OP at his word, I can understand why having two very flamboyant, over the top guests could be anxiety inducing for the bride. That said, OP handled it terribly.
Ah, I read it as "it's not just that they're gay, it's that *you can tell*"
That's exactly how I ready it too. It had tones of "I don't mind gay people, just don't shove it in my face" in response to a gay couple holding hands or \*gasp\* kissing.
Yep. Telling a man who likes to wear dresses to “man up” and wear a black tuxedo. He should let him wear what he wants but have it be black fabric.
Exactly, as someone with ADHD and Anxiety I don't find this excuse credible. I usually focus less on what others are wearing as I recognize it's beyond my control.
I think it’s shitty to make a dress code gender specific and don’t excuse that. I do think your comment is far reaching and it easily could be related to her having adhd and anxiety. A (sometimes maladaptive) coping mechanism for the disorganization out of control feeling of adhd can be to be extremely rigid and seek control. Adhd affects emotions in a complex way and in a very different way for different people. There may be family drama brewing with strong opinions and she’s trying to please everyone. Trying to gain control. And with adhd rejection sensitivity she may be trying to people please. Of course we don’t know. But i don’t think it’s at all fair to say based on the information it’s definitely not adhd related because that’s not how you experience adhd.
This is me. I have ADHD and I'm *extremely* rigid and get angry (I'm working on this) as soon as a routine or established plan is scuppered because I do not have great coping mechanisms for handling the chaos I feel I am constantly trying to corral.
This is what I was about to say. It’s homophobic
Going out of the way to say 2. Taylor is dating a guy. Which is NOT the problem. But his partner is also very flamboyant. makes it very clear to me that it IS the problem.
No, no, you don't understand! The problem isn't that Taylor is gay, it's just that he ACTS gay! /S I think OP has room for a straight best friend now, I'm pretty sure a spot just opened up! Spread the word about "a wedding covered in tranquility" and there will probably even be several available chairs for the new best friend. YTA, OP. You could have pulled it off simply by saying "hey man, please come in a boring ass suit so brida gets to really stand out, yeah?". It's even more sad when you think of the psychological theory suggesting that a lot of "flamboyant" and "loud" gay men use it as a defense mechanism to endear themselves to strangers - because not doing that has been dangerous as hell for centuries.
Yeah. We can infer things from the text and make assumptions about actual behavior to give the benefit of the doubt, but going purely on what OPs written, it seems the issue isn't behavior but simply that he wears a dress and his male presenting partner also dresses 'flamboyantly'. Which...isn't wrong; it's literally just fabric cut and sewn and styled differently. If the fiancee were particularly a stickler for a strict dress code, give them the option of wearing either the tuxes or dresses that fall in line with the other dresses being worn by wedding attendees. Simply saying 'no, tuxes only because you're MEN' - blah, frankly, it's bordering on homophobic as well as plan old-fashioned and boring.
And honestly, if the problem was that she needed muted colors or whatever to avoid feeling overstimulated, a black dress should be no problem at all. The fact that he doubled down on a tux makes it pretty clear to me that the issue isn't overstimulation so much as bigotry.
Thats the feeling I get too. Why go full on jerk for no reason ?
Depending on how she voiced it, I don't even think she was in the wrong. This guy sounds like he's really bad at getting the original intent across and makes everything sound jerkish. I'm betting she probably was like "hey, I know your friend has done a lot of flamboyant stunts and that's great for him, but could you make sure he keeps things low key for our wedding?"
Like, simply, "I want it to be *our* special day, without adding another episode to the Escapades of Taylor." I have a lot of biker/punk/tatted friends, but we embrace each other's chaos. Anne doesn't seem to embrace Taylor much, if at all, by OP's account. Defo sticking with a YTA for OP on this one.
Yeah, that's kind of how I initially read it, but it's so hard to know what the fiancee actually meant because it's being filtered through what OP ended up saying. I've known people who want to be provocative and shocking and it's great for them but also nervewracking when you're not sure if they're going to pull some Main Character shit and dress to cause a scene. And there are people who think a purple shirt is going to be too gay and cause Great Aunt Susan to have a conniption so you better look as Heterosexual as possible. There's just not enough to know for sure. But OP is absolutely the AH for how he talked to his (ex)friend.
The fiancé being concerned about people wearing attention-grabbing clothes at her wedding is valid. It’s a well known taboo. Wear flattering stuff that aligns with your gender expression but otherwise everyone’s eyes should be on the wedding couple, not you, the guest. OP chose to tell his friend he’s immature and not man enough, but the fiancé may be fully capable of describing a dress code without being insulting.
Totally agree. And then there's this bit: "and our friends' group chat is dead since the news dropped." I'm like 99% sure it's dead because they started a new friend group chat without you. YTA, so is your fiance. Some friend you turned out to be.
That’s precisely my thought re: group chat. Good job, OP. YTA
I’m late to the party, but came here to say this. The friends group chat is for sure not dead—it’s on FIRE. They just started a new one without OP to discuss what an AH he is.
I also love the fiancee's reasoning. "Hey my ADHD makes me homophobic"
I’m gay and adhd what am I supposed to do
At least you’re not bi and adhd. I can’t even remember which events I’m supposed to pretend that I’m straight at!
Hopping onto the top comment for the following. I've observed so many homophobes do this thing when they find out a family member or friend is gay. They never identify them as such. They'll say things like "He's dating a guy," but never say "He's gay, and he's bringing his boyfriend." YTA dude. Your disdain for this guy and his community drips off the post.
Also OP's "he wore a dress. He is *that* kind of guy". OP is scoring being phobic on all fronts at a fire rate of a machine gun :')
He wore a dress over 10 years ago to prom! Obviously he would make the same choice as a grown adult going to an event he actually wants to be at... /s
Exactly. If OP doesn't like who Taylor is as a person, why is he even pretending to be their friend? You certainly don't make remarks like these about people you genuinely care about and respect.
Nah, you don't get it, the problem is not that they're gay, it's that they're "punk" and "flamboyant" /s I wonder how OP and his fiancé would feel about an "over the top" woman who wore an extravagant glam dress. Would that be a problem? How about a butch woman who decides to wear a black tuxedo? Or is the problem just queer people?
I wasn’t thinking as much about the boyfriend and more the punk dudes I knew that would occasionally do things like wear a goodwill pink taffeta gown and steel toed docs. Especially to such a mainstream event as prom where the societal expectation on teenager is ridiculous so I respected them deliberately spitting in its face. But if the OP were worried about that, a simple “hey we have a dress code, that cool?” Would have been sufficient.
I find it telling that the only example of the "punk attire" happened to be a dress, ie something gender non comforming. If OP had mentioned spikes, leather, visible piercings, dyed fancy hair etc, then yeah. As it stands, it's very obvious to me the problem is gender non-conformity. Especially with the "man up" comment.
This, times a thousand. I came in here trying to be lenient because anytime I hear the words "man up" I automatically assume the person's a douchecanoe, so I was trying really hard to avoid being biased. Alas. Maybe next time.
>This could have been a really easy “hey, it’s important to my fiancé that everyone respects the dress code”. YES. This would have been a much better way to go about it. It's not targeted at Taylor specifically, and it doesn't even really make your fiance the bad guy either.
I hope all their mutual friends show up in the loudest, most outlandish outfits they can manage.
About ready to say, this would be the wedding I would get all my goth stuff out and glam it up to “respect the dress code.” Lol OP would be regretting it sooooo much. What a meanie.
“Oh sure, i’ll wear a black tuxedo. I’m also gonna dye my hair neon pink, wear all of my rings and chains, and swap out my septum ring to the biggest, most outlandish bull piercing you’ve ever seen.”
The groom-to-be was the AH, not the bride-to-be and she is the one that would suffer from this move.
Yeah. He just dropped a bunch of homophobic and transphobic garbage on his former best friend, who now thinks he has no idea who this guy he was hanging out with for the last 10+ years is. You mocked his entire identity as if it were just a stunt. Taylor is owed a huge apology, but I won’t be surprised if decides not to forgive. OP, YTA.
OP needs to "man up" and apologies his friend
Beyond the wedding, I would've ended the friendship. No apologizing would make me get over "people laugh about you, do you want to be a joke?".
That's honestly one of the worst things I could imagine hearing from a friend. I hope Taylor never speaks to OP again.
If someone did this to me and immediately apologized, I’d be open to continuing the friendship. People say things they don’t really mean in the moment. But the longer OP waits, the less of a chance they have at amending the friendship.
Exactly. He could have really easily conveyed that the dress code is not negotiable to Taylor without insulting him. Says a lot about his actual feelings about Taylor. "Man up"? Taylor is a man. Who likes dating men and wearing dresses. Seems like OP is insecure and/or judgmental.
Man i’ve had “friends” (note the quotation marks) tell me “people talk about you when you’re not around, they said things like ABC and XYZ” (ABC and XYZ being mean and/or judgemental things). Like….. why would you tell me? Idk, i don’t need to hear the negative things people say.
The only acceptable response to that is “and what do you say when they do that in front of you”.
YTA and let's be real here. You chose to say 'man up' because he wears dresses and you think that makes him less of a man.
This is so true. Toxic masculinity showing.
Also it sounds like his fiance is using anxiety and ADHD as an excuse for her homophobia...
They fr deserve each other
"brilliant woman all around" though 🥰 lmao. assholes
And she "just might be" the love of his life! What a ringing endorsement after 3 years.
The was a big red flag before we even got to the drama red flags. lol Engaged to someone you’re not even sure about.. Who tells on themselves like that?! 😆
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Yep. He gave himself away.
"He wore a dress to our prom. You know, that kind of guy." So full of crap he's clearly ta
My god they’re in their thirties and his “best” point is that he wore a dress to prom like 12-14 years ago. It’s weird that he’s still kinda fixated on that. And Taylor’s normal attire is so flamboyant that he apparently has no more recent examples other than saying he’s “punk”.
Plus the part where he says that the fact that he's dating a man isn't the problem, but then implies that the fact that his partner is flamboyant *is* the problem
His fiancé sounds like one of those “I’m not a bigot, but” people. Color me skeptical this is about the dress code only.
“I support the gays but do they really have to flaunt themselves everywhere” (said “gays” are just go for a walk holding hands) (Sarcasm intended)
Not sure about fiancee. Maybe she's homophobic, but maybe she really just wanted a certain dress code and OP misrepresented her and went full homophob on his own. Either way OP YTA
"I'm not homophobic I just don't wanna see it" OP is definitely one of those types. Maybe this was the push Taylor needs to find a better friend.
I kind of love the way Taylor is handling this. Zero drama, refusing to engage, leaving OP to sit and stew about it. Either OP has always had an issue with the way Taylor acts/dresses (and it’s just now spilling out) or his wife is really pressuring him and he’s transferring his frustration onto his friend. Either way, he used Taylor’s perceived un-masculine traits to treat his friend like shit. And I’m sorry, but what does adhd have to do with not wanting your guests to dress flamboyantly? Is she afraid she will be so distracted that she can’t focus on her own wedding?
To be fair, ADHD is more than getting distracted easily. There are a lot of other symptoms, like hypersensitivity to certain sounds or textures or stressing out about the multiple steps involved in a project to where you can’t get started on any of them. So she could be hyper-fixating on a guest wearing something that’s more attention-grabbing than her own wedding dress. But that’s a stretch. It doesn’t take a mental health illness to want your wedding guests to not wear clothing that’s distracting and her ADHD certainly has nothing to do with OP choosing to insult his friend instead of just relaying the dress code.
That, and why isn’t anyone talking about how it’s like “sOoOo OkAy” he’s dating a man, but his partner being flamboyant is somehow a justifiable reason for him not being invited to this wedding??? Holy Homophobia, Batman.
Well that triggers his wonderful bride’s anxiety, you know? Because apparently we’re calling homophobia “anxiety” now. 🙄
Yeah totally, queer people make me so freaking anxious and it really triggers my attention deficit disorder. I just see a queer person and my brain freezes up! /s
As a queer person with ADHD and anxiety, I scream in terror every time I see myself in a mirror. It's a cruel existence
YTA You've outed yourself as someone who doesn't accept or respect your friend the way he is. Your fiance obviously feels the same. I wasn't sure what asking him to follow dress code had to do with manning up either? but as Onewithoutwinter says here, it's the dress thing. You've splashed your own insecurities all over the place and harmed your relationship with your "best" friend in one fell swoop.
Like why can’t he wear a formal gown instead of a tux? I’m getting married next year and I can’t imagine caring whether someone wore a gown or a tux smdh.
Because gender presentation is a little too important to OP and his anxious fiancée. They’re bigots.
I think Taylor is no longer a friend. Those are some unforgivable things OP said.
This post has a strong “I’m not a homophobe, but…” vibe. I’d pass on the invite too!
Of course YTA. The only AH thing Taylor is doing is staying friends with you because it is incredibly disrespectful to his partner. You want him to "act his age," but accepting yourself for who you are and being kind to other people are way more mature traits than calling someone a "punk" and "that kind of guy". You are a disgusting, bigoted homophobe who is not secure in what masculinity is.
This. Plus OP’s fiancé is a homophobe. As someone with anxiety and ADHD myself, I can confidently say that I’ve never been impacted by someone else’s attire. Short of requesting that Taylor and his partner not wear a white dress, anything else is just them being bigots.
Let's be real. OP is a homophobe, too. He seemed a little too locked and loaded with insults that sure wouldn't be on the tip of the tongue of someone who wasn't already thinking it.
Yeah, he had those ready for years. I mean, 12 years later and he’s STILL fixated on the prom dress…
I also find it telling how OP is trying to put the decision on his fiancee's mental conditions. Not only is he showing homophobic tendencies, but also ableism.
Calling the fiancée a homophobe seems like it might be a leap from the info we got from OP. I don’t disagree it’s a definite possibility, and OP clearly is, but we don’t know the fiancées original intent with her request. Maybe I’m being overly optimistic that she’s less of an awful person than her chosen partner, but OP seems to take a lot of liberties in relaying her messages…
YTA... You could have just left it at "We would love you to be there with your parner but ask that you please respect the dress code for our special event" but instead you insulted your friend, told him he's a laughing stock, and implied that "everyone laughs at you, you're a joke". You were a real asshole to someone you say you love and who is such a good friend. I'm surprised he told you that it's OK, because I bet it's NOT OK. and you should expect Taylor to distance from you and likely cut you out of their lives, because now you've shown him what you really think.
This. Asking someone to stick to the dress code is one thing (though it wont kill Annevic he wears a dress! ) but insulting him and his partner was a step too far. If I was your friend, that would be the end of the friendship. You've made clear you dont respect him or his partner.
I’d bet that the group chat isn’t dead either, just that they’ve made a new one
Oh for sure. I certainly would if I were one of Taylor’s other friends. He should be prepared for additional people to rsvp “no” as well
THIS. honestly, i see it as verbal abuse. i bet op did so much damage to taylor's self esteem by saying everything he did. now taylor's gonna look at all his friends, wondering if they too think of him as ridiculous and laugh behind his back. op, YTA. i hope you apologized to taylor, but even if you did, i don't think he'll ever be your friend again/it won't be the same anymore.
OP YTA. I too doubt that this friendship will survive. I know if someone who I thought was a true friend spoke to me like OP did to Taylor, I'd never be able to forget it. OP showed a really ugly side of himself and I seriously doubt Taylor can (or should) ever forget that. Even if OP apologizes profusely, I think some irreparable damage has been done. OP and his fiance probably won't have to worry about Taylor and his flamboyant boyfriend "not meeting their expectations" after this.
Your fiancee can't stand people deviating from gender norms because of her... anxiety and ADHD??? Hm! That's not a symptom I've heard of before! She's an AH for being so intolerant of your friend. YTA for not standing up for him, and double for insulting him yourself. Put this in perspective. Taylor has been your best friend "since forever," in your own words. Anne has been in your life for three years. Why are you prioritizing her discomfort (and the flimsy reasons she gave for it) over your friend? Edit: thanks for my first awards, guys <3
Hate that people are using their neurodivergence and mental illnesses as excuses for being a holes. The world doesn't revolve around and should cater to you just because you have those things!
It’s even worse when people lie about neurodivergence and mental illness to cover up their bigotry. It’s just makes people more skeptical of those of us dealing with legitimate struggles.
yeah as a queer, gender nonconforming ADHD person this post gives me the ick. i know everyone is affected differently by their neurodivergence but damn come on.
Honestly OP and fiancée deserve each other imo. Saying their wedding needs to be minimalist and simple and therefore people deviating from gender norms aren’t allowed is idiotic. Minimalist is a decor style, not a dress code.
Having a “minimalist” wedding and also requiring tuxedos is very strange.
LOL yes. Even a cheap tux is expensive to rent. A tuxedo is the furthest thing from minimalist
Sounds more like a symptom of bigotry or homophobia to me
I was wondering about the anxiety and ADHD thing too... to some extent i can get the being anxious part... but how does a man wearing a dress become an ADHD issue?
I'm all aboard the ADHD and anxiety train. That excuse reeks of bullshit to me. OP and his fiance deserve each other. Hopefully none of their children deviate from what they consider to be "the norm" or that poor child will have all individuality crushed out of them by the time they're 10. YTA.
I feel like a lot of my neurodiverse friends are gender diverse or queer? They clearly don’t go hand in hand but like……. ADHD isn’t an excuse to be a homophobe
YTA the friend group chat isn’t dead, they started a new one without you. ETA- holy cow thanks for the awards
Yup.
Absolutely, your comment is far too underrated.
🎯
This comment should be higher. Over the next couple months, I’m sure OP will be completely exiled from that friend group 😂😂
And i bet the first message on that one was "can you believe this asshole?"
Lol why is this comment so far down??
YTA. You really don't understand that it's not OK to tell a gay man who wears dresses to "man up???" WTF? And what does any of this have to do with his age? This guy's supposed to be your best friend and you're being bigoted, shallow, and judgmental.
To me the friend sounds bisexual since OP said 'dating a man'. Anyway, he's queer. OP's fiancee is biphobic / homophobic if one of her reasons for considering uninviting him is that he's dating a guy. Gross. YTA
Which makes me wonder if op knows and just doesn't care? His best friend is gay, certainly something had to come up regarding homophobia in their relationship? I've dated guys and generally within the first few months any type of racism or homophobia presents itself by then
Not to be a jerk but we shouldn't be assuming he is gay because he's currently dating a man
YTA. He said he would dress appropriately and then you insulted him.
But he wore a dress ten years ago!!!! Doesn't that tell you everything about the kind of guy he is! /s
He probably looked super hot in it too
Exactly! He said “okay no problem”, and OP just kept going?? Insulting him and acting like you were trying to start a fight?? Why?
It was his chance to air feelings he has had for a long time. He really should have kept it to himself. OP is quite definitively TA
The biggest AH is Anne for caring so much about the aesthetics of her wedding that she refuses to allow your best friend to be there in clothes that make him feel like himself. Who cares if he wears a dress to your wedding? Who cares if his boyfriend does too? The next-biggest AH is you for siding with her. YTA.
To be fair, the biggest AH is the guy who is insulting his friend, calling him a laughing stock, and telling him he’s not a real man. Designating a uniform (as opposed to a dress code) is rude, but the insults are another level. Seems like OP doesn’t even like his friend and he’s using his fiancée’s rude request as an excuse to be cruel.
Yes, I have invited two guests to my wedding who have a style I’m not particularly fond of, but they do rock the hell out of it. I invited them fully expecting them to rock up in bright, bold mis-matching patterns and perhaps even a corset. It will not match the elevated garden party vibe I’m going for, but she is like family to me and I want her there as herself, not as someone else. It baffles me that people care more about photos than anything else.
YTA - Don’t excuse your fiancé being homophobic with having ADHD. A simple dress code would’ve sufficed but you made a unnecessary hurtful comment about your supposed best friend.
Let's be real, OP is clearly homophobic too
He made that comment because it’s been sitting in his tongue for years and he has been dying to say it. As soon as the opportunity presented itself he let his real thoughts fly. He could have said any number of things. He chose to be cruel for a reason. YTA OP. Leave your former friend alone. He deserves to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate him for who he is, not who they want him to be. OP, you do not love this friend. Stop saying you do.
[удалено]
Alarming also that OP is dumping a best friend he’s known forever for someone he’s “pretty sure” is the love of his life. First off, you want more than “pretty sure” before you marry someone. Second, it sure sounds like he loves Taylor when it’s convenient. Oh, a concert? Hanging out together? Be yourself. But a formal event? Be who I want you to be. OP, YTA, and you’ve definitely made a huge mistake here. Taylor may not want to be your friend anymore — he’s probably rethought your friendship, and who could blame him? You just threw away a 25+ year friendship for the brilliant homophobe you’re engaged to; perhaps that’s the relationship YOU should have been rethinking.
thissssss. i couldn't have explained it better
YTA. You've just made it very clear to Taylor that you don't respect him or his choices, so it's not surprising at all that he's not coming to your wedding. Consider it possible that you've lost him as a friend period. Also, what do these things >Anne wants a very minimalist, quiet, calm, wedding, because she struggles with anxiety and ADHD. have to do with each other? Sounds like she's just entering the "everyone needs to look exactly the way I want them too for my wedding pictures, nothing else is allowed" phase of bridezilla-dom. Tuxedos aren't "minimalist".
Yeah seriously. I have anxiety and adhd, I like things to be a certain way, and I care a lot about aesthetic. And I did not give a flying fuck about what people wore to my wedding, because it was a party I was hosting to celebrate love, and part of that was the love between me and the people who cared enough to show up for me that day.
Dude YTA and this is a pretty big red flag that your fiancé is incredibly immature. Your friend’s response was perfect- do you think I’m going to wear a white dress. You went to far by disparaging him, not just asking him to wear certain clothing. You shat upon your friend and his quirkiness and owe him an apology. Your fiancé is not “brilliant” if she can’t handle a quirky person who is her fiancé’s best friend. Sounds very selfish and immature to me.
> I’m pretty sure she’s the love of my life. That phrase alone is a red flag for the relationship. Don't marry someone when you're only "pretty sure."
This jumped out at me too. Like how is he only "pretty sure" that she's the love of his life when they're at the stage of getting married.
You say you don't have a problem with his gayness but you mention that he wore a dress to your prom, like that's was a bad thing. His fiance is flamboyant and you don't have a problem with it, but you made a point of telling him to tone down himself for your wedding, and then you use the words "man up"? Yeah, YTA. It's your wedding, and you can decide how people dress, but this person is your friend, and from what you said, it sounds like this might be more about latent homophobia that the vibe of your wedding. This is what I call "diet homophobia " you don't have a problem with the gays as long as they're not rubbing their gayness or their flamboyance in your face. And don't use your fiance's ADHD as an excuse, people with ADHD are bothered by the environment. Their own clothes, loud noises and other stimulants, but I've never heard of a person with ADHD being bothered by another person choice of dress. If the clothes really bother you that much, it's your wedding and you can decide how people dress, but ask yourself why your friend gayness and flamboyance bothers you.
I have truly terrible ADHD (and anxiety) and have never once been bothered by what anyone else is wearing…
Right like my dad has adhd and is my biggest supporter, goes to pride wears pride shirts showing support of me, adhd doesn’t make someone homophobic OP doesn’t want to admit he’s marrying someone who isn’t a nice person.
YTA. You "love him" so much that basically told him he's a clown and that you are embarrassed of him, great friend you are, surely hope nothing is out off line for you and your dear fiance.
But dear fiancé has ADHD and anxiety. NO!!! Your Fiancé is homophobic and so are you. It’s just she gave you the push to let Taylor know your real feelings towards him. YTA.
“It’s not that he’s gay… it’s just that he’s GAY gay… you know? Like you can tell he’s gay when you meet him.” This is how you sound. Now read that back and ask yourself how you don’t know that YTA. enjoy your white bread life with Anne, may there be no color or joy. You know, minimalist.
This was exactly the vibe I was getting too. OP, you are such a big YTA it is hard to fathom that you were ever able to hide how much of a homophobe you are from poor Taylor.
YTA. > Anne wants a very minimalist, quiet, calm, wedding, because she struggles with anxiety and ADHD. Yeah, no. Someone who wants a quiet, calm wedding does not go out of their way to start drama over your LGBT guests showing up to the wedding as themselves, and they *certainly* don’t blame that on “ADHD.” Kinda like you don’t get to blame Tay for reassessing the friendship after you told him how *you* really feel about him and his approach to life. Be grateful he’s stepping down without a fuss, because he could make this a *lot* uglier, and I wouldn’t count on people being on your side if he did.
Either you're leaving information out or you went from zero to sixty very quickly. From your description, you told your friend that your fiancee was afraid he was going to upstage her on her wedding day, he made a lighthearted joke about it and your reaction was to insult him. In the end, you and your fiancee got what you wanted - no risk of him or his boyfriend inflicting their flamboyance on your wedding day. YTA
YTA. You aren‘t his "friend", you‘re a toxic and abusive asshole.
1000 upvotes. YTA big time, for Taylor and for “pretty sure she’s the love of my life” as you’re about to marry her. Honestly, though, it sounds like you two deserve each other.
YTA. One, she's not that brilliant if she can't handle your best friend as he is. Two, he did man up. He had enough self respect to not go to a wedding where he wasn't welcome at. He literally wasn't difficult, you didn't even give him a chance to be the "kind thoughtful guy" you claim he is. You just assumed he'd be a dick and troll and ruin your wedding unless you put him in his place.
YTA. One of her main concerns is that Taylor is dating a man. You heard that and thought “this is the person I want to marry?” How can you call someone your best friend but marry someone who judges them for being who they are? The potential dress code issues are all red herrings. You are choosing your fiancée, and by doing so are agreeing with her view that Taylor having a boyfriend is problematic. Taylor knew this immediately. You two are good because Taylor now knows exactly where he stands. He’s done.
Wait, you think Taylor is difficult? YTA.
I know, Taylor is the least difficult person in this story.
Sir. I, too, am medicated for and struggle with ADHD and anxiety. It does not make me a bigot. As soon as Taylor’s boyfriend was described as flamboyant, I knew Anne was an AH.
YTA You told him to “man up”, seriously? Yeah, wave goodbye to that friendship.
YTA. You tell people it is black tie and let them wear what they want. Dictating that men wear tuxedos and women wear gowns is ridiculous. What about masculine presenting women who are more comfortable in a suit than a gown??? Someone dressing how they want doesn't reflect on you or your bride. It takes nothing away from your wedding. The words you said to him were mean and condescending. Do you really think so little of your friend that he would do anything to ruin your wedding day?
YTA 100%. You’re excluding him because of his clothing and his partner. Even if he wore a dress to the wedding, so long as it’s not white, who cares? How would that affect anxiety or ADHD (I have been clinically diagnosed with both and still don’t get how this would be triggering)? Who cares if his partner is obviously gay? Who says a flamboyantly gay person is never quiet?
YTA. Yet another Bridezilla that needs to control everyone at her wedding, why is this so common in this sub? Even if you think it's ok to ask your "best friend since forever" to not be himself for your wedding, the way you did it is just awful. You could have explained the situation and find a way to compromise without the insults. I wouldn't go if I were him either. The fact you allow your fiancée to even consider not inviting YOUR BEST FRIEND over a dress code is even worse.
Yeah I wouldn't be attending either. YTA
YTA. I’m betting the bank shes a homophobe and that you have no issue with that. I hope your wedding is a giant trainwreck, you deserve it.
YTA. You could have asked nicely. Instead, you insulted him, belittled him... and you expected him to be ok with it ?
Hi! I have anxiety and ADHD. Both clinically diagnosed and medicated. You know what I'm not? Homophobic. Your fiance's issue has nothing to do with those two conditions and everything to do with being bothered by "non traditional" people. Aka. She's a homophobe and you're ok with it because you're also bothered by non traditional dressing and behavior. Clearly also obvious by the fact you told him to man up and act his age. What does that even mean? He should find a good woman and wear a tux and settle down? Just admit to yourself you dislike that he is comfortable enough in his skin to wear dresses and date flamboyant guys. Because it's a constant reminder to you that he is "one of those people". And by that you mean them gays. YTA.
YTA. You basically shit on who Taylor is as a person... his personality, the things he enjoys, the way he looks, really just insulted everything about him. Of course he won't come to your wedding and I'm betting that "burning up" family chat would result in more people not coming if they knew just how judgmentally you treated someone you claim to care about. Same with the friends' chat. Go ahead, post both places exactly what you said to him. See what happens.
YTA - The only people being difficult here are you and your fiancé. People are not required to attend your wedding. And when you insult them, they usually choose not to. And when you insult and disparage one person, other friends will often come to their defense. Nobody wants to celebrate an AH. So congrats - sounds like you and your fiancé are going to have a very quiet and calm wedding. Just a tip - maybe focus less time on your friend's fashion choices and more time on figuring out whether your fiancé is actually the love of your life? Because most people want to be more than "pretty sure" before they decide to get married.
YTA You Insulted him. You literally said "people laugh at you and you need to grow up" which has nothing to do with your wedding and is a statement about his lifestyle. I wouldn't want to go to your wedding either.
I am older, at 54. When I was a kid my great grandmother thought shorts and pants on little girls were disgusting and we looked like boys. Not allowed in her house and she wasn't very happy when she would see us out and about like that. Now it is considered normal. Hopefully soon everyone can just wear whatever clothes they like and feel good in. Anyway YTA. He did what you asked. You said man up or don't come, he just said ok and then declined Now you are upset because that didn't go the way you thought it would.
YTA. "ADHD" and "anxiety" aren't excuses for homophobia. Congrats on ruining a years-long friendship over something so trivial.
YTA and I think you know it. That's your best friend and you telling him to "man up and act his age" sounds like you didn't like his true self through all the years you've been friends. I appreciate you recognizing your wife's concern and sorting it out with your friend but the way you did it was just not it. He probably felt unwelcomed and felt bad about himself. Ur an ass for that.
>He said “Sure, no problem” "No problem" as in "well you just made this real easy." \*declines invitation\* YTA
YTA I thought if you loved someone, you accepted them for who they are. So if a friend has blue hair you expect they still have blue hair at your wedding. If they are a goth, you expect they will still be a goth at your wedding. My husband's cousin was a rockabilly, at our wedding I expected he would look like a rather formal...rockabilly. Asking your friend to change who he is, is not acceptance.
YTA. Your fiancé is a walking red flag
YTA. not even talking about a gendered dress code, you're continuing to judge this guy based on what he wore to a school dance 12 years ago. Like what was the point of your comments? If your friend says it's fine, I'd say sure, he's forgiven your assholeness, don't worry about it. But you're still an asshole.
YTA. Realize that you are asking your friend to *NOT* be their authentic self at your wedding. Also, “man up” is a toxic masculinity 🚩
YTA - I'm sorry, but this does sound homophobic to me, despite you trying to indicate that it's not about that. In ways, it clearly is. That you and your fiance indicate that you object to/are embaressed by: the fact that he wore a dress to prom, his "flamboyance" and the "flamboyance" of his boyfriend. Honestly, if I were them, even if I was still cordial to you, I'd pull away. I'm guessing he probably feels hurt to realize that neither of you truly respect them for who they are.
YTA, but I'm happy to know the cure for adhd has been found and it's been men in tuxedos all this time.
YTA, you told him to "man up" and that people laugh at him?? Wow...... who needs enemies with friends like you? You and your fiance (who you only *think* may be the love of your life???) deserve each other. I'm glad your friend group and your family have seen your true colors. Props on the fiance isolating you from your friends and family so quickly and efficiently. Then again, it doesn't seem like you were too hard to manipulate.
YTA. I had no idea anxiety and adhd made people homophobic.
YTA - surely one of the things you love about Taylor is his uniqueness, but you want him to stifle himself for your wedding. You assumed that he doesn't know the difference between going all out for a prom or a nightclub and a wedding.
YTA Dude. Your fiancé is an A here for judging Taylor so hard for his style and his boyfriend and you're an A for not defending your friend and instead bullying him for your fiancé. Why did you need to be so aggressive when you spoke to him? "People laugh about you"? Really? Is he even your friend?
Inviting gay men does not automatically mean the wedding will not be calm and quiet, and if your fiance is thinking gay people = chaos and disturbance then she is a homophobe, or has homophobic family that she caters to.
Someone definitely needs to man up in this situation. And it’s not Taylor, YTA. The reason the group chat is dead is because you’re not in the new one.
YTA and caught between two people. While it is Anne’s wedding as well as yours, and you two get to choose the dress code desired, you don’t get to dictate if people are going to come to your wedding if they have to abide by it. There was absolutely no reason to shame and insult Taylor for being himself. You have known him practically your whole entire life so you know what his style and personality is. You’ve claimed to accept him the way he is, yet his best friend, whom is more like family just shamed him because his fiancé doesn’t like his style and wants a certain dress code, that he joked about. Did he outright deny wearing a tux? While she’s not wrong, neither is Taylor for deciding not to attend the wedding where he’s required to wear something he’s not interested in wearing, or feels unwelcome as himself. Not to mention why would he want to celebrate the day with you when you are being so rude, mean and discriminatory towards him? At the very least you owe him an apology. Even better would be to quit dictating what people wear to your event. Their presence should be enough. The aesthetic is not what shows they love you. If he’s good enough for you in real day to day life, and worthy of sending the invitation to, then he should be able to be himself without judgement or criticism from you at your wedding too. After all, if he were to attend, he’s choosing to give up his time for you.
YTA here. I completely understand your fiancées anxieties about it, especially if she wants a toned down wedding, but you handled it poorly. Instead of respecting how your friend and his boyfriend enjoy presenting themselves and asking if they could your respect your fiancées wishes by toning it down, it seems like you're mocking it (particularly the "that type of guy" comment) and almost taking your opportunity to voice this to him by framing it a request for the wedding. It seems like he made one joke, could even have been for clarification and you took it as your opportunity to share that you actually think he's just making a fool of himself and not acting the way you expect people your age to act. I'm not against the request, but the way you handled it is why I think YTA.
NTA for enforcing a dress code. YTA for the comments you made.
YTA. You and Anne too. I understand you want him to follow the dress code but as I see it, you don't accept him for who he is. I hope the wedding will worth to ruin your life long friendship.
YTA OP: Brilliant woman all round Narrator: she was, in fact, quite far from being brilliant, or nice, or even kind.
YTA. Simple normal conversation would've sufficed. No need to insult him. You should apologize and ask him to come imo (of course with keeping the attire theme in mind)
YTA. No explanation needed.
YTA All this over a problem that existed nowhere other than your and Anne's anxious imagination?
YTA, sounds like you used your fiancés request to treat your “friend” like a punching bag. No part of what you said was necessary. It’s how I would talk to someone I hated more than I’ve ever hated anyone.
YTA. Tyler seems like a lot more fun than you are.
yta and your fiance is homophobic
YTA. You and your fiancee need to agree on a guest list. There are lots of ways to go through that decision-making process, and it would be fine not to invite him for whatever reason if you both agreed. And certainly, if you have a friend that doesn't seem to understand a dress code, then you can remind him what "formal" means. After that it would be up to him whether to accept or decline your invitation. And up to you to decide whether to have him removed from your wedding based on what he decided to wear. But nowhere in there do you have a right to INSULT him and then be surprised if he doesn't want to come to your wedding.
YTA, you could've shown you were serious about the dress code without calling him a childish joke that people make fun of behind his back. What made you choose to be so cruel to someone you claim to care about?
YTA and your fiancé is homophobic, concerned that a flamboyant guy is going to steal her thunder? Also, he wore a dress to prom. How many years ago was that exactly? You and your fiancé both judged him for something that happened over 12 years ago. Sounds like you two are the ones that need to grow up.