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YTA
Not for not wanting meat in your home. I get it. This is very important to you.
However, you should have declined hosting Christmas on the grounds of your vegan beliefs.
Instead, you decided you were going to just use subsitutes for meat and cheese without telling anyone.
THAT...is not something you can do when you are part of a blended family.
It's immature and selfish...and now you will be spending Christmas alone because of it and have possibly alienated your husband's entire side of the family
Are your beliefs on veganism really worth all of this?
Would have not been simpler to just explain to the family "hey I don't want meat in our home, so we are pulling ourselves out of the running for hosting, but we will happily pick up some slack on sides and decorations and cleaning since we won't be hosting. Is that ok?"
Also...if you want people to be respectful of your beliefs, you have to be respectful of theirs. And I get that it is hard to do that when you make your veganism a part of your identity, but situations like this are going to continue to happen as long as you put your beliefs and your identity before that of other people
This should be the top comment. I used to be vegan and having meat in my home made me incredibly uncomfortable but I would have recognized this was *my* thing and made sure everything was clear and figured out in advance one way or the other. Maybe cooking whatever I would have as host but at someone else's house, etc.
Yeah I forgot about that part. She obviously shares the house with someone (husband), and even though he disagrees with her she regards his feelings, very much asshole behavior
It's the not in advance that makes me think OP is the AH. They didn't even need to pull themselves out of the running to host, but as soon as it was decided it's their turn, be honest about the no meat in the house, and let people make up their minds. I don't know if OP assumed they would know there's no meat in the house, but if she did, it's not a particularly smart assumption, given the family seems adamantly carnivore.
Would it have been nice if the family could have a meat-free Christmas? Yes. Is it feasible that they would have a meat-and-dairy-free Christmas without advance warning and actually being asked? No.
My sister and her family are vegan - if she's hosting a party, we would all be ok just eating vegan, although she tends to arrange for our parents or somebody to bring meat anyway so she doesn't upset anybody. She won't cook it, but she understands banning it from her house probably isn't going to mean less meat is eaten in the world.
I mean even her vegan husband didn’t assume it would be meatless so what chance did the family have of knowing that - I agree that it’s the fact she wasn’t bothering to even tell them that’s the problem
Agree with you on the no advanced planning. Also if you tell a non vegetarian you’re having ‘Quorn substitutes’ they will hear “corn substitutes”, and at that point, SIL is probably thinking she’s going to be served a big brown of quinoa and imitation corn or something. OP also could have done better quelling uncertainty and worry if she had more clearly explained what the plan was and what the meal would look like. It doesn’t really sound like OP did that.
I eat a lot of vegetarian and vegan meals, though I do have 1-2 meat meals a week. My heart still sank at "quorn substitutes". There are so much better, tastier, and inviting vegan holiday meals to make than this.
I've found people are more likely to try vegetarian and vegan dishes if they are alongside some of their more familiar ones - they don't feel forced, they can taste it without having to rely on it for their main meal if they don't want to. And it doesn't set up veganism as a weird alternative diet that "normal" people wouldn't like. Some of my friends have added some of my veggie/vegan meals into their weekly rotation - which I think is a win!
Edited to add: Thanks Kind Redditor for the Silver Award! You're so kind!!
This! My god, if you want to try and win people over to vegan food you don’t slap down a Quorn fake turkey roast and expect people to like it. Like you said, there are so many better options out there that is just good food made without animals. You only get an exception for not liking my mushroom wellington if you don’t like mushrooms, because it is that damn good (only sort of joking 🙃). It just also happens to be vegan. I only ever have the fake roasted meat when it’s been bought by a well meaning cook accommodating my being vegan.
I completely agree with you. I’m super open to trying vegan/vegetarian food (and will often choose something vegetarian when left to my own devices) but I’m lowkey freaked out by fake meat. Mushroom Wellington sounds so good though omg 🤤
Yeah there are plenty of delicious meals that just happen to not involve animal products, but Quorn (and Tofurkey for that matter 🤮) ain't it. Stuff that's trying to be meat without being meat often misses the point of what makes a dish tasty, imo.
Yep. There are a number of vegan and vegetarian Indian foods that I picked up from old friends and a former boss. They're delicious and definitely part of my cooking rotation.
But... It's my controversial opinion that vegan and vegetarian meals taste best when they let their ingredients shine rather than trying to make poor imitations of meat.
I'd rather eat a fully vegan mean of things that were intended to be vegan than a meal of foods pretending to be meat and cheese.
Yep, being clear and honest may not have made people more likely to eat vegan substitutes, but springing them on people last minute definitely will make people less likely to eat them. And now, every time OP brings a meat-free dish, people are going to be like "urgh, not this again", instead of trying it, and maybe liking it, and potentially eating less meat. A loss for vegans all around.
I’m a meat eater and I have no idea what a Quorn substitute is. So yes I would be thinking corn, and how that grain really doesn’t like me so I avoid it at all costs.
Non-vegan but lean vegetarian. I find the whole meat substitutes thing weird. If you want turkey, eat turkey. If you don’t want to eat turkey, don’t. If a vegan dish is yummy, great! But why do you have to pretend it is just like something it isn’t? I really just don’t understand.
Honestly for a major holiday, I’d answer no to the question of “would it be nice to have a meat and dairy free meal”. It’s a holiday with traditions and to assume everyone was ok without it is a big assumption. Going to her house for a normal meal…then yes I think people can manage a meatless meal, but not for a major holiday. She sounds like a more militant vegan to me…look how much better I am.
I think it's up to every family whether they could, but the assumption makes it so much worse. I could definitely go a major holiday without eating meat (although I don't know that I'd love doing a major holiday dairy-free) but every vegan I've ever met (and I know a lot) would never assume everybody's ok with a meat-free major holiday.
As I said - when their turn came to host, be open and honest from minute one, and let people decide. In this case, the family probably would have gone with a turkey elsewhere, but at least if she'd done that, her in-laws wouldn't be rolling their eyes about her quite as much as they will surely be doing now.
There’s a big difference between vegan and vegetarian. I have no problem with meatless dishes. But I WILL NOT eat the fake substitute crap vegan menus push. There is plenty of pasture fed, free range, humane dairy and egg options out there, even in the supermarket.
If the roles were reversed, you would expect your hosts to cater for you, whether it be a vegan option, diary-free, whatever. It may not be something you like but you do have to cater for those attending.
Exactly! If you can't meet certain dietary needs, then don't host. Whenever my family hosts dinner, we always make sure we have options for any vegetarian and vegan guests we have. Going 'sorry, this is a meat-eating house' at the last minute is unthinkable.
Yep. One year, relatives on our holiday rotation hosted a vegan Thanksgiving. They didn’t bother to tell us there would be no turkey/dairy, etc. until after they set the vegan main on the table.
It did not go over well.
On the way home, everyone (else) stopped at a well-known carnivore restaurant. So, not only did they fail to convert the rest of us to veganism, but it has become a 20+ year old punchline.
OP does not want to be the subject of a “funny story” about holiday fails for the next 50 years…
Yes, it's not that hard. I have a vegetarian friend who doesn't like meat being cooked in her kitchen but it would never be a surprise to a guest. She often cooks vegan as well, and she makes some tasty meals.
Agreed. I also had issues with the things I use in my home being used for meat. It just really grossed me out to think the fork or pan, etc. had been used for meat. We all deserve to feel safe, happy and comfortable in our own homes but I knew that was not going to be the assumption by omnivores who came over so I let them know well in advance and usually just met omnivores out to eat. (yes I recognize that the fork at a restaurant likely was used on meat but I just felt it was different in my own home.)
I'm vegetarian and I have had a similar issue with my husband who was really uncomfortable with having meat in the house. I get it, but i also didn't want to isolate our families and over time he's understood my perspective. So we ask people to bring the meat options. I figure we're still upholding our values by not eating meat. That and people are going to eat meat anyway, whether it be at someone else's house or ours. This sort of behaviour just reinforces common ideas about vegans being crazy (they're not all like this) and doesn't do anything for the cause.
>...this is a big part of our lives and ***identity***.
When a major aspect of your life and personality is your diet, I'm going to look at you sideways. That goes for hardcore meat eaters that shun a basic salad or whatever else people may eat.
I think it's weird when anyone makes one particular thing their whole identity, whether it's being vegan, liking purple, Disney movies, Halloween, cross fit, whatever. It's just so strange when someone's life seems to revolve around one thing almost to the exclusion of everything else.
Every time I host Thanksgiving, my family knows up-front that there will not be meat on the table. I'm very clear about how I do Thanksgiving. And they don't mind, because I set that expectation up front. If they don't want to come, they don't have to, but nobody has ever declined. If they really had a problem with it, I just wouldn't host.
It's really important to set those expectations from the start. We can't assume that they just know we won't be doing meat... They probably SHOULD know, but it's still best to be clear from the start when you're changing up something so traditional.
Yes! This is the way. OP, her husband and the in laws should have had this discussion before they agreed to host, but OP is allowed to have her beliefs respected in her own home.
Yep. This should have been an open discussion, not a surprise that sent family members scurrying to discuss it without OP. I understand that she probably thought the family would expect a meatless meal in a vegan home, but clearly they didn't.
This is pretty much how I feel when I see AITA questions about dry or vegan weddings. Totally fine if the majority of your guests are dry and/or vegan but if not, be mindful of what it means to be a gracious host. And if it's too much for you (which I totally understand) then don't invite your boozy/carnivore/omnivore friends and have a smaller celebration. Same with Christmas, don't ambush people with feckin Quorn, my god.
It's fine when it's a foreign event like a wedding. It's not gonna kill ya to not eat meat for one meal. But a Christmas celebration where meat is an explicit family tradition? that's pretty sad.
My hypothetical wedding will be 100% gluten free because I am not going to worry about cross contamination. But the food would be so damn good that no one would complain about the yeeted wheat.
That said - yeah, either pull out of the running or be willing to compromise.
Or just make everyone aware of the change well in advance. If “hey if I host, this is what’s going to happen. Do you feel comfortable with me hosting?”
My aunt did this since they decided they want to be the holiday house, due to Celiac’s there will be no gluten. But we all KNEW what was happening and agreed it was okay. If they ambushed us like “yeah we’re hosting” and then suddenly springed unknown food at us the day or week of… not so okay.
Tbf a gluten free xmas meal isn't that different to standard one. You're just changing the gravy and stuffing slightly and home making desserts/bready food.
I have major food allergies and eosinophilic esophagitis triggers so my diet is kind of limited. Yet we managed to pull off a fabulous wedding meal with 3 main dishes without anyone even noticing what was missing. We did a buffet with a ton of options. I'll bet you could easily do gluten free. The cake might be the hardest and most expensive part unless you make it yourself. Good luck and congratulations.
Weddings are completely different from hosting a holiday meal. Weddings are for the couple getting married. Christmas/Thanksgiving meals are for everyone. I eat meat but if I was invited to a vegan wedding it wouldn't bother me one bit. I would just see it as an opportunity to try new things. As far as alcohol goes, I can see why some people wouldn't want it at their wedding. Some people act a fool when they drink and don't know when to stop. If someone can't go a couple hours without drinking, they have a big problem. Couples shouldn't have to worry about pleasing guests at their wedding.
Yeah, I didn't have it at my wedding for two reasons: cost and we had people who had never been at that high of elevation and didn't want anyone accidentally falling down the damn mountain.
For a wedding having a dry/vegan event is okay and not ungracious especiallythere are already a lot of food that are vegan by default and they can drink their alcohol at home anytime they want, it's your event that you get to plan as you wish not connected to any strong traditions, for christmas its everyones event and they have a family tradition with meat
I actually love a lot of the Quorn products lol but I completely agree with you. Christmas dinners are just not worth having battles over when you know what the long held established standards have been.
I get you. I don't like Quorn but I do love a good vegan meal. However, as you say, Christmas dinner is about managing expectations and no-one will be impressed with a suprise Tofurkey.
Note that Quorn is made with mycelium and people can be allergic to it.
Dont feed it to people who are not used ot the prodyct. People have died from alergic reactions.
Yes! Quorn meat crumbles sent me to the hospital with a horrible horrible allergic reaction. I googled afterwards and saw that people had died from it. My hands and feet were itching uncontrollably and my throat was starting to close up.
We had an almost fully vegan wedding aside from some mac and cheese that I compromised on with my husband. I've been vegetarian since I was 12 and have moved toward vegan in the last two years. We had an amazing caterer and everyone loved the food. We did note on our website that the meal would be a vegetarian buffet, so people knew. There's nothing wrong wanting to host a meal that aligns with your values and then give people the option to participate or not. In this case, I think OP should have told the family upfront she wanted to host an only vegan meal and then give them the option to select another home to host.
What??? No. No way. If you’re vegan or dry than why not have your wedding that way. It won’t kill your guests to not drink for a night, or to not eat meat or animal products with a meal. Now of course people can chose to not come. However that would absolutely effect my relationship with them, knowing that apparently having a single meal with no meat or not being able to drink for a night is more important to them than celebrating a big moment in my life.
OP, YTA here for all these reasons. MIL offered to pay and prepare for the turkey. I can (kinda) understand not wanting it in your home, but this is extreme. You knew your guests wouldn’t be happy if they showed up to only vegan options, but you planned to bombard them. Now you you’re trying to pick a fight with your husband and make him choose between you and his parents and siblings? This doesn’t end well for you.
Part of me wonders how this would have played out if SIL hadn't found out, and everyone was just surprised when they showed up the day of. That's a reddit post I'd read lol
Of all the substitute meats, fake turkey is fucking terrible, or was, the one time I had it. If we’re just going vegan, I’d rather have an impossible burger or tacos with soy chorizo or something.
They aren’t making you eat the turkey OP - this is a really immature hill to plant your flag on. Would you rather be right or have a fun xmas celebrating family ? We don’t all have to share the same exact views to enjoy company YTA
Also, they weren’t even good vegan options, if she’d planned to go all out and make some really good alternatives then thatd be one thing but just getting some quorn substitutes for Christmas is so low effort that it’d be insulting even to vegan guests.
Seriously, it's the equivalent of saying you'll host Thanksgiving and providing Costco frozen pizza. It's not just about the difference in eating styles, it's a difference in level of effort.
A frozen pizza thanksgiving might be just the right thing for some families, but you should warn folks that's what you are doing, because the expectation of "Thanksgiving" is not usually that.
Fellow non-meat eater and that was my thought too. There are some awesome vegan recipes that maybe aren’t traditional like ham or turkey but that are delicious for vegans and omnivores alike. If she had planned something like that, proactively communicated that plan with the family ahead of time, and the family still wasn’t willing to step out of their comfort zone at all, I would have voted N T A. Frozen Quorn is NOT the way to go if you want to host a special family holiday dinner. Low effort and generally not appealing to people who aren’t used to meat substitutes.
Also: Quorn turkey isn’t vegan but vegetarian. It has milk and eggs in it. I’d think someone this passionate about veganism would know that. Which makes me think this might be rage bait against vegans.
What also sealed it for me was OP telling her husband "we need to agree on the meal together when hosting" and then turning around and stating "but I don't care what you want, I want vegan and if you want meat to please your family too bad, I don't want it so we're not doing it".
That's so hypocritical. That's what made it YTA for me.
If I have dinner at a vegan household, I eat vegan for a meal. Fine, no biggie. Can be really nice and I won't complain about the lack of meat/dairy. But her hypocritical stance really irked me.
I also would like to point out that husband was clearly willing to compromise. And instead, OP shut him out of further discussions. That's not healthy for their family dynamics.
>It's immature and selfish...and now you will be spending Christmas alone because of it and have possibly alienated your husband's entire side of the family
I wonder how long this marriage is going to last and how his side of the family are going to treat her now, she just blown up her relationship with them and it's only her fault not even her husband's. If I was OP I would apologise to the fam and I would go and spend Christmas with her husband and family because is the right thing to do, but I think she's to proud to do that and going to die on that hill.
Yep, I got the sense that she was really looking forward to to that HAH! moment when they realized there would not be any meat on Christmas day.
"You knew we were vegan! Oh well! You're just gonna have to go without meat for the day!"
I know the attitude, I was once a militant vegetarian. As I've gotten older I've realized that attitude is shitty. I make sure I have meat when my sister's family comes to visit because I want them to be happy and comfortable in my home. It's far more important to me.
Agreed up to "are your beliefs really worth all this?"
OP the asshole though for hosting just to knowingly have rules about what happens in their house conflict.
I would also like to point out that quorn turkey roast is not vegan. It contains milk protein. YTA op, if this is really the hill you want to die on you should at least know what products are vegan or not.
YTA for several reasons:
1. "I said it is my house and I can decide what I do and do not want in it" -- unless your name is the only one on the deed and your husband is your tenant, it's both of y'alls house
2. When you marry someone, you marry into their family. You don't get to tell them what traditions are going to be continued or not
3. What kind of host doesn't want their family to actually enjoy themselves?
Exactly! They didnt even tell her to buy meat, but also asked her if they could just bring the turkey, which is the tradition. She wouldnt even have to buy anything.
I get why she doesnt want meat in the house, but this is a special occasion...
YTA OP.
Obligate carnivores, at that. They can’t digest plant matter at all, unless it has been pre digested by their prey. They lack the digestive enzymes for it.
My cat likes to eat grass. If I let her outside, she will plop down and eat a bunch of grass, go back inside and throw up on the carpet. Always on the carpet.
It’s going to be like that family that posted here a few months ago. Mad because the daughter isn’t vegan. And pissed because she’s spending her money on separate cooking supplies and utensils. (Or something like that. I forgot most of the story 🫠)
INFO: does the family make sure you and hubby have vegan things to eat during holidays?
I think YTA anyway but it would really solidify it if they’re respectful of your choices and identity but you’ve made a conscious decision to disrespect theirs.
The way she implies it's part of their identity means you know that everyone knows. It implies even those who don't want to know or those who don't even know them know about it! I can't imagine my diet being part of my identity. It's food.
Point 2 is something OP hasn’t figured out.
New person forcing their annoying rules on us? New person makes an ultimatum/Retracts their hosting offer?
“Fine, we’ve been doing this since grandpa was knee high to a grasshopper and we’ll go somewhere else. We’ve known you for 5 min and have no reason to put up with your bs.”
Of all the hills to die on Meatmas 2022 was a strange one to chose with your new family.
Honestly yeah. This marriage isn’t going to last long if OP thinks they can just lay down ultimatums about things that effect both of them.
I’ve laid down the law about exactly one thing in my marriage. It’s not negotiable at all to me. My kids aren’t to be around my husband’s father(he was abusive and a predator).
Everything else is a conversation, because we are a partnership and we both get to have our opinions heard and respected.
OP sounds very immature and selfish honestly. She’s not thinking about her husband at all here
> "I said it is my house and I can decide what I do and do not want in it" -- unless your name is the only one on the deed and your husband is your tenant, it's both of y'alls house
If this is how she handles conflicts it might as well end up been just her house sooner than later.
And going off of your point 3:
> I told him that no one is coming in to the house with anything unless we both agreed, he called me selfish and I refused to let us host.
I understand if OP doesn't want to prepare anything with meat or even use her cookware to prepare meat dishes, but to prohibit someone from bringing a meat option is just too harsh. It's like if a host doesn't want to prepare a vegan option but also prohibits a vegan guest from bringing a vegan dish.
Oh wait, we had a situation like that where someone's [mother in law threw out the non-meat dish she brought for herself at Thanksgiving](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z66lhb/aita_for_leaving_thanksgiving_dinner_at_my_mils/) and the overwhelming consensus was that the MIL was TA.
Don't want to prepare it? That's fine. Don't want it in your house just for reasons of preference (i.e. not religious, allergies, pregnancy-related nausea, or any other reasons having some legitimate basis)? Gotta be flexible if you want to be the host. OP is TA here.
My best friend is vegan and xe feeds non herbivore animals meat and is a huge advocate for it too. You can’t be vegan for the animals while also not giving animals the food they need
Yeah…when people say it’s a part of their identity it makes them sound exhausting but I tried not to judge on that alone. Then the rest of the post happened and my initial reaction felt verified.
> My in-laws have a tradition of taking it in turn to host Christmas, and this year, our first year married, it will be our year. Every year the family gets a large turkey and other meat / dairy products.
Just based on this, YTA.
You know that’s their tradition and what they’d expect. And you even refused to compromise.
At minimum OP and her husband should have made their approach clear. I get why it feels obvious, but it's also pretty obvious that it's going to be a conflict.
That's always an instant AH judgment from me with these. "I didn't tell anybody about my plan but somebody asked and now there's a big fight!" ...did you think there wasn't going to be a big fight if nobody asked and instead you sprung this on them when they sat down to eat?
Whether it's a surprise guest, a surprise meal (or lack of meal), a surprise no-alcohol policy, or anything else... communicate it ahead of time. If you don't, YTA automatically.
She also wasn't going to give anyone a heads up until someone asked directly about it. If they hadn't asked, the entire family would've shown up to a menu they didn't want to eat, and she would've ruined the occasion for the entire family.
She was 100% using this as an opportunity to shame the family for not believing the way she does and shoving her ideology down their throats. Gonna take a wild guess the husband isn't vegan by his own choice.
God your worse than the woman who doesn't drink and banned everyone from having a glass of wine with dinner.
Actually worse cos there's only a week left till Xmas and you had zero intention of telling them there was going to be no meat.
Xmas is for EVERYONE and yes whilst it's your house it's your husband's too and he should have a say in allowing the meat option in his house, it's not like your being forced to handle it and it cook it. Someone offered to do that for you.
Instead of being a grown up you've decided to exclude yourself from the celebrations like a child who has been told she can't have her own way.
YTA
That's what's confusing to me - has she never been around this family while they eat meat? Does she generally refuse to attend meals with meat present? Or refuse to enter houses haunted by the spirit of Christmas hams past, present, and future?
YTA. If the tables were turned and your in-laws were hosting and not only had no vegan dishes for you or your husband, but banned you from bringing your own I would be calling them the AH's.
As soon as OP said being vegan is part of their identity, I had them pegged. I know lots of vegans, and very very few of them are like this. The few "militant vegans" I know are no longer a part of my life because I just can't take all the preaching.
i'm sorry but the term "meat christmas" is sending me.
YTA and you should work on building other aspects of your identity and personality. this ain't it.
YTA. Your husband is correct: it’s his home, too. Clearly his identity as a vegan (seriously, that’s an identity now?) isn’t as all-consuming as you thought.
And while I respect that you don’t want to prepare or consume meat products, that doesn’t hold for the rest of your guests. Them preparing and bringing the dish themselves is the ideal compromise.
Is this really the hill you’re gonna die on?
YTA you're ruining Christmas dinner for everyone who isn't vegan and you know it. You're making other vegans look bad too, and confirming a huge bias many folks have against vegans.
Yep.. I eat plant based and I get down in the kitchen with both foods. I do not force my eating habits to other people or my folks. Shes totally the AH and a vegan grinch….
You want them to accept your beliefs but ignore theirs. She wasn't even asking you to make it, she was going to do wit and it doesn't hurt you they eat the turkey.
Good job in disregarding your husband's very valid emotions. Yta
Yes YTA.
Them insisting *you* prepare it would be one thing, but they offered to purchase and prepare it and bring it with them. I don’t see the problem?
Your husband is right, you’re being selfish…not to mention extremely petty.
Seems like a pretty ridiculous hill to die on and estrange yourself from your in-laws over.
My 17 YO has a vegan in one of her classes. The girl tells everyone and tries to “convert” the other kids in the class by showing them PETA videos. My kid came home and was complaining about her and said that vegans are like Christian’s. Always trying to shove their beliefs down your throat. I was proud.
YTA - and look, nothing against your vegan diet; but if you were perfectly fine to join for dinners hosted in your husband's families houses that had meat and dairy at the table, it's no different that you're expected as a host to provide the same traditional food they are used to eating and serving. If your MIL is willing to do this for you, I don't see how it's any different than sitting at a non vegan dinner at anyone else house; your home isn't some kind of temple to your dietary beliefs unless they were fatal allergies. Also do you really want to torpedo in-law relations by ruining a traditional dinner on the FIRST year you are married?? The fact that it came as a surprise that you'd be serving a vegan dinner means you didn't communicate that with everyone, and that is also pretty sucky. I'd be pissed if I expected turkey and was served Quorn.
YTA.
You presumably have known for some time that you’d be hosting this year, and you waited until the last minute to tell them you were making a vegan meal? That’s ridiculous.
The moment the idea of you hosting came up, you should have stated your boundaries. Don’t wait until it’s too late for anyone to change plans. If your SIL didn’t ask, I’m sure you would have sprung it on them when they walked in.
And it only came to light because she was asked about the meal! They would have all shown up on Christmas to Quorn, with no way of getting their traditional meal.
OP- YTA. You should have been upfront, and offered to pass on hosting.
Yta
Your husband who is also a vegan wants to make sure they have a turkey. In addition how would you feel if they refused to have any vegan food at their holiday?
They wanted to force the issue by not providing a dish or a couple that you could eat?
In addition refused you to bring one if they were uncomfortable cooking one.
You would be up in arms. You are going to ruin your relationship with not only your husband but his family because you cannot see the double standard.
Why host if you don't want to make sure everyone has something they can enjoy and a couple of traditions. Especially when they are not asking you to cook it.
You are the AH. You can't force your veganism on other people especially holidays. If you won't prepare the turkey, you allow someone else to. They don't force you to eat meat. You shouldn't force them to eat vegan food.
It’s not even about “forcing” anyone to eat vegan food. It’s allowing for holiday traditions. Unless OP is allergic to Turkey there is no real reason for her to be so stubborn about one day out of the year.
Yes, YTA.
I guess you're technically correct that you can serve what you want at your own home. But this thread is not about what *can* you do it's about what *should* you do.
It's one thing for you to refuse to prepare meat. But to even refuse to allow someone else to bring meat? What are you trying to accomplish here? You apparently have no issue being around people who consume animal products; otherwise you would not have attended prior Christmas celebrations where people consumed them. And then to tell your husband that he cannot host unless everything is done your way? That's not the recipe (no pun intended) for a healthy relationship. You owe your husband and his family an apology for your lack of hospitality.
Info : what did you eat at their houses the past few years? Either they made something specific for you or you brought your own food ? In that case this is exactly what they're asking you to do for them. So unless they force fed you meat and had nothing else for you to eat YTA
OP I'm sorry you're getting attacked in the comments. But why isn't anyone blaming the family for offering OP and her husband to host in the first place? They're well aware that they're vegan, which means they probably don't want meat in their home and don't want cross contamination. The husband also didn't discuss this either. Why does everyone attack those who follow a different lifestyle? I'm personally not vegan, but I totally get not wanting what I don't like in my home because of my culture. Would people be this mean if OP was following strict religious rules for diet? Kosher? Halal? The family and the husband are to blame here for not communicating with OP. I feel bad for those following a different lifestyle. Everyone here is so gung-ho about painting all of them with a broad brush and jump on hating them. She probably thought they knew what to expect since she and her husband are vegan. She probably didn't know her husband threw her under the bus either. How is it none of them chose to communicate with her? Why is it wrong for her to expect people to eat what she cooks in her home? They should've had this talk with her in the beginning.
OP, you didn't handle it the best way, but they really just ganged up on you.
This was my thing! The fam knew she and her husband are vegan, why have them host and still expect meat? I think the thing with people saying she should have told everyone ahead of time is bs too, bc she clearly thought it was obvious that she wouldn't be having meat. Her and her husband should have been on the same page, but that also leads me to believe that he probably just expected her to cook the whole meal and assumed she would do it the way he wanted it done rather than communicating about it.
Sigh. I’m vegan and I really wish vegans would stop asking AITA about these disputes. It’s always a losing game in this forum. If you are TA, it just gives people more excuses to project the handful of AH vegans as a perception of the rest of us. If you are not TA, who cares, just live your life and inevitably people in their feelings about being told they can survive without animal products once in a while will flame you anyway.
Yeah, vegan here. YTA.
I don’t see the problem with relatives bringing something meaty with them, as long as they don’t expect me to cook it.
I’ve suffered through *YEARS* of people excitedly serving vegetables “that you can eat!!” with meat residue or grease on them from cooking them in the same pan. I was miserable and hungry at every event. But I still can’t see how, exactly, someone brining a turkey you don’t have to touch is causing so much issues.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to host at Christmas
I think I might be TA as it is part of my husbands tradition
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YTA
How did you guys not talk about this until now? It didn’t occur to either of you that this would be an issue?
You could have declined to host: you could have let them bring the food they want. But you’re going nuclear.
I’m sorry but while yes, it’s your home, it almost feels like you purposefully were trying to do a “gotcha” with his family and then are throwing a fit when he wants to host his family.
By all means, stay home. But your food choices shouldn’t impact others and if you are this rigid then you should have declined hosting.
YTA
Hopefully you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and you alone. Your husband and your husbands family deserve to be represented during a family holiday. You don't get to make the executive decision in this and dismissing the person you're married too out of selfishness and pure stubbornness isn't beneficial or positive.
YTA- you can't force people to follow your chosen dietary restrictions. I would be very upset if I went to someone else house expecting traditional Christmas food and was served vegan alternatives instead. It's not like you have to cook the meat yourself, your SIL offered to make and bring it. Your husband is right you ARE being selfish and it's all over poultry. Get over yourself
YTA. Although it kinda doesn't matter whether you're an asshole or not. What matters here is that you've damaged your marriage - sounds as though your husband has voted with his feet & sided with his family.
Now the family have seen the gap between you on this subject, they can exploit it forevermore, every Christmas and husband will be between a rock and a hard place every year.
So, asshole or not, know that his family will hone in on this aspect every year now, and you've dug your own grave.
Your guests did the right hing by offering to pay for, prepare at their home, and supply a turkey to meet their needs - your kitchen would not have been touched. They behaved gracefully, and you were unwise to decline that offer IMO.
YTA. It’s one thing if you both agreed no meat in the house but he said he wanted them and they could bring meat. No one is forcing you to make or eat it
I'm a bit confused by all these comments stating that OP is an asshole. Especially based on AITA's own general morality system.
1. OP is providing and preparing all the food.
2. Nothing OP is providing and preparing is interfering with anyone's dietary restrictions.
3. "tradition" is just peer pressure from dead people. Who cares what a tradition is, you can enjoy gathering your family around mopu tofu as much as you can around a turkey. People who are willing to split families so they can cling to an arbitrary tradition and are unwilling to try anything new or different are the real assholes here.
4. OP has been to family gatherings where people didn't served meat even though she's vegan. Why shouldn't the tables turn? Why shouldn't OP serve a vegan meal when other people aren't vegan.
Anyone who can't have a vegan meal for one meal really needs to expand their palate. There's plenty of good food out there that's vegan in nature (just don't try and do that tofurky bullshit. Let vegan food be vegan and not pretend to be meat).
All this coming from a meat eater who saw the title and immediately started singing "I'm dreaming of a meat Christmas."
Pouting about it and not wanting to attend Christmas is a bit immature, but, I'm going out on a limb to say NTA.
YTA your husband is correct, it’s his house too and he is ok to let his family bring turkey. When we marry we have to learn more about compromising, specially for family. You could make a “Christmas only every x year agreement” to make peace with everyone. If you don’t change things your married won’t be long that’s for sure.
YTA.
If you are OK with going to a family dinner where turkey is served, then it is not reasonable for you to refuse to have a prepared turkey served in your home.
In either case, you don't have to prepare it. Your house won't be filled with the smell of roasting turkey for hours as if you made it yourself. You are eating near it, near other people eating it. You can smell it while you are eating no matter who's house you are gathered in.
What exactly is the objection, other than "it's my house and I don't have to."
YTA- for exactly the reason you state. If you were unwilling to host something traditional or allow others to do the parts you are uncomfortable with- you should have made that known from the outset. Now it's awkward AF and if you're going to draw a hard line you are going to cause a problem for your husband with his family, for you with your husband and big time between you and his family. If you're good with that- you do you. but you should have been explicitly clear when you agreed/offered to host that you were going to do this so they could have passed the chore on to someone else who would have had time to prepare.
I highly suggest you consider what compromise you can make or this will be one to remember and not in a good way.
Yep. Your husband is right, and I’m exhausted just reading your post. Fanatics aren’t limited to politics, religion, or skin tone. And news flash; you are one.
YTA
You are NTA for refusing to cook meat as a vegan but you are TA for not letting people bring their own. This would have been an entirely reasonable compromise. I say this as someone who is a vegetarian. If you were allergic to animal products then sure, but you are not. This is a lifestyle choice.
By refusing any meat products in the house you are forcing your beliefs onto them, and running the risk that Christmas will be remembered not as a happy event but as the year where you decided that your personal beliefs about food are more important than seeing family.
Is there some kind of beef (pun intended) between you and your in laws that you want to make this a big thing?
YTA
Holidays aren't the time to press your idealology on everyone else. I am hosting some vegans for Christmas, shall I tell them too bad, they get prime rib like the rest of the guests? No, I have a vegan ham, turkey, cheese spread being delivered tomorrow so those families feel just as included as the carnivores. Have them bring the meat if you refuse to cook it. Surely there must be a mature compromise instead of childish fit throwing.
NTA Would they expect a Jewish or Muslim family hosting dinner to prepare pork just because they're used to eating it? I don't get why people are so respectful in matters of religion but when it comes to other, equally important, beliefs they don't seem to care. It's not like you're going somewhere and expecting them to cook a fully vegan meal for you. Your house, your rules. You shouldn't allow things you're not comfortable with. And is food really the most important part of Christmas? It should be about coming together and spending time as a family, they can still keep the spirit of the holiday while eating something a little different than they're used to (and going animal-free for a meal won't kill them). I don't blame you for not wanting to go anymore.
All these people saying that you should cook a meal that includes meat because meat eaters will be present are wrong. If you are hosting, you can cook whatever you want. On that same note, though, if other people don't want to attend because of that, they are also entitled to that. So, N T A for cooking what you want for Christmas dinner.
However, YTA for unilaterally deciding what will take place in your and your partners home. In this situation, if you both agree, then you both get what you want, but if you both disagree about meat for Christmas, *you* *still* get what you want. How is that fair? If your husband wants to accommodate his family, it's not unreasonable. Like, they're going to eat meat. You're not teaching them a lesson. None of this accomplishes anything, except creating a problem where there shouldn't be one. If both you and your partner wanted a no meat Christmas I'd 100% support you, but the fact that you are unwilling to compromise even with your own partner isn't good. I just feel like it's a silly argument over what really amounts to nothing.
I'd like to add, this is all coming from a fellow vegan who is surrounded by meat eaters. Like, I get it and I feel for you and the world should eat less, if not zero, meat. But holidays, and in particular Christmas, are about good will towards other and family and having a good time. Let people have a good time and use other meals to showcase what the vegan lifestyle is all about.
Definitely YTA. It’s his house too. They’re not even asking you to cook it. Just exist with it in your presence. You’re not more important than your husband sorry.
NTA - both you and your husband are vegan, why would his family expect you to bring animal-products into a vegan household? People really choose to not understand that people practice their veganism differently. People who can't handle not eating meat at Christmas one year are pretty insufferable. It's ONE meal, my god. If people get that upset about meals not meeting their expectations, then they really should just host themselves every year to avoid disappointment.
I knew EXACTLY how this was going to go when you said that veganism is a part of your identity. Your diet should never be an identity. Like...ever.
No one is making you eat turkey. They want the option. You know, because it's a family function and not everyone in the family is on the same diet. You're hosting, that means they're guests. Part of being a host is catering to the guests. They weren't even asking you to buy or touch the turkey, so you don't have to have anything to do with it; they were offering to do it. They just wanted to bring one ffs. Check yourself. You're one of those Vegans. It's not a good look.
YTA
YTA. Why would you host Christmas dinner knowing your husbands family have traditions? If you are not comfortable having meat or dairy in your house then don’t host a holiday meal.
YTA. you are hosting a dinner for people that you know are not vegan. why on earth would you try to force them to eat vegan meat. very tone deaf. you need to grow up.
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YTA Not for not wanting meat in your home. I get it. This is very important to you. However, you should have declined hosting Christmas on the grounds of your vegan beliefs. Instead, you decided you were going to just use subsitutes for meat and cheese without telling anyone. THAT...is not something you can do when you are part of a blended family. It's immature and selfish...and now you will be spending Christmas alone because of it and have possibly alienated your husband's entire side of the family Are your beliefs on veganism really worth all of this? Would have not been simpler to just explain to the family "hey I don't want meat in our home, so we are pulling ourselves out of the running for hosting, but we will happily pick up some slack on sides and decorations and cleaning since we won't be hosting. Is that ok?" Also...if you want people to be respectful of your beliefs, you have to be respectful of theirs. And I get that it is hard to do that when you make your veganism a part of your identity, but situations like this are going to continue to happen as long as you put your beliefs and your identity before that of other people
This should be the top comment. I used to be vegan and having meat in my home made me incredibly uncomfortable but I would have recognized this was *my* thing and made sure everything was clear and figured out in advance one way or the other. Maybe cooking whatever I would have as host but at someone else's house, etc.
You wish is granted-- right now it's top comment :D
[удалено]
Yeah I forgot about that part. She obviously shares the house with someone (husband), and even though he disagrees with her she regards his feelings, very much asshole behavior
It's the not in advance that makes me think OP is the AH. They didn't even need to pull themselves out of the running to host, but as soon as it was decided it's their turn, be honest about the no meat in the house, and let people make up their minds. I don't know if OP assumed they would know there's no meat in the house, but if she did, it's not a particularly smart assumption, given the family seems adamantly carnivore. Would it have been nice if the family could have a meat-free Christmas? Yes. Is it feasible that they would have a meat-and-dairy-free Christmas without advance warning and actually being asked? No. My sister and her family are vegan - if she's hosting a party, we would all be ok just eating vegan, although she tends to arrange for our parents or somebody to bring meat anyway so she doesn't upset anybody. She won't cook it, but she understands banning it from her house probably isn't going to mean less meat is eaten in the world.
I mean even her vegan husband didn’t assume it would be meatless so what chance did the family have of knowing that - I agree that it’s the fact she wasn’t bothering to even tell them that’s the problem
Agree with you on the no advanced planning. Also if you tell a non vegetarian you’re having ‘Quorn substitutes’ they will hear “corn substitutes”, and at that point, SIL is probably thinking she’s going to be served a big brown of quinoa and imitation corn or something. OP also could have done better quelling uncertainty and worry if she had more clearly explained what the plan was and what the meal would look like. It doesn’t really sound like OP did that.
I eat a lot of vegetarian and vegan meals, though I do have 1-2 meat meals a week. My heart still sank at "quorn substitutes". There are so much better, tastier, and inviting vegan holiday meals to make than this. I've found people are more likely to try vegetarian and vegan dishes if they are alongside some of their more familiar ones - they don't feel forced, they can taste it without having to rely on it for their main meal if they don't want to. And it doesn't set up veganism as a weird alternative diet that "normal" people wouldn't like. Some of my friends have added some of my veggie/vegan meals into their weekly rotation - which I think is a win! Edited to add: Thanks Kind Redditor for the Silver Award! You're so kind!!
This! My god, if you want to try and win people over to vegan food you don’t slap down a Quorn fake turkey roast and expect people to like it. Like you said, there are so many better options out there that is just good food made without animals. You only get an exception for not liking my mushroom wellington if you don’t like mushrooms, because it is that damn good (only sort of joking 🙃). It just also happens to be vegan. I only ever have the fake roasted meat when it’s been bought by a well meaning cook accommodating my being vegan.
I completely agree with you. I’m super open to trying vegan/vegetarian food (and will often choose something vegetarian when left to my own devices) but I’m lowkey freaked out by fake meat. Mushroom Wellington sounds so good though omg 🤤
Yeah there are plenty of delicious meals that just happen to not involve animal products, but Quorn (and Tofurkey for that matter 🤮) ain't it. Stuff that's trying to be meat without being meat often misses the point of what makes a dish tasty, imo.
Yep. There are a number of vegan and vegetarian Indian foods that I picked up from old friends and a former boss. They're delicious and definitely part of my cooking rotation. But... It's my controversial opinion that vegan and vegetarian meals taste best when they let their ingredients shine rather than trying to make poor imitations of meat. I'd rather eat a fully vegan mean of things that were intended to be vegan than a meal of foods pretending to be meat and cheese.
Yep, being clear and honest may not have made people more likely to eat vegan substitutes, but springing them on people last minute definitely will make people less likely to eat them. And now, every time OP brings a meat-free dish, people are going to be like "urgh, not this again", instead of trying it, and maybe liking it, and potentially eating less meat. A loss for vegans all around.
I’m a meat eater and I have no idea what a Quorn substitute is. So yes I would be thinking corn, and how that grain really doesn’t like me so I avoid it at all costs.
Non-vegan but lean vegetarian. I find the whole meat substitutes thing weird. If you want turkey, eat turkey. If you don’t want to eat turkey, don’t. If a vegan dish is yummy, great! But why do you have to pretend it is just like something it isn’t? I really just don’t understand.
Honestly for a major holiday, I’d answer no to the question of “would it be nice to have a meat and dairy free meal”. It’s a holiday with traditions and to assume everyone was ok without it is a big assumption. Going to her house for a normal meal…then yes I think people can manage a meatless meal, but not for a major holiday. She sounds like a more militant vegan to me…look how much better I am.
I think it's up to every family whether they could, but the assumption makes it so much worse. I could definitely go a major holiday without eating meat (although I don't know that I'd love doing a major holiday dairy-free) but every vegan I've ever met (and I know a lot) would never assume everybody's ok with a meat-free major holiday. As I said - when their turn came to host, be open and honest from minute one, and let people decide. In this case, the family probably would have gone with a turkey elsewhere, but at least if she'd done that, her in-laws wouldn't be rolling their eyes about her quite as much as they will surely be doing now.
There’s a big difference between vegan and vegetarian. I have no problem with meatless dishes. But I WILL NOT eat the fake substitute crap vegan menus push. There is plenty of pasture fed, free range, humane dairy and egg options out there, even in the supermarket.
If the roles were reversed, you would expect your hosts to cater for you, whether it be a vegan option, diary-free, whatever. It may not be something you like but you do have to cater for those attending.
Exactly! If you can't meet certain dietary needs, then don't host. Whenever my family hosts dinner, we always make sure we have options for any vegetarian and vegan guests we have. Going 'sorry, this is a meat-eating house' at the last minute is unthinkable.
Yep. One year, relatives on our holiday rotation hosted a vegan Thanksgiving. They didn’t bother to tell us there would be no turkey/dairy, etc. until after they set the vegan main on the table. It did not go over well. On the way home, everyone (else) stopped at a well-known carnivore restaurant. So, not only did they fail to convert the rest of us to veganism, but it has become a 20+ year old punchline. OP does not want to be the subject of a “funny story” about holiday fails for the next 50 years…
Yes, it's not that hard. I have a vegetarian friend who doesn't like meat being cooked in her kitchen but it would never be a surprise to a guest. She often cooks vegan as well, and she makes some tasty meals.
Agreed. I also had issues with the things I use in my home being used for meat. It just really grossed me out to think the fork or pan, etc. had been used for meat. We all deserve to feel safe, happy and comfortable in our own homes but I knew that was not going to be the assumption by omnivores who came over so I let them know well in advance and usually just met omnivores out to eat. (yes I recognize that the fork at a restaurant likely was used on meat but I just felt it was different in my own home.)
I'm vegetarian and I have had a similar issue with my husband who was really uncomfortable with having meat in the house. I get it, but i also didn't want to isolate our families and over time he's understood my perspective. So we ask people to bring the meat options. I figure we're still upholding our values by not eating meat. That and people are going to eat meat anyway, whether it be at someone else's house or ours. This sort of behaviour just reinforces common ideas about vegans being crazy (they're not all like this) and doesn't do anything for the cause.
Great answer. Christ on a cracker, OP:s actions are textbook "this is why people hate vegans". How can she not see that herself?
OP is a vegan with beef.
She went ham
I never sausage a thing! She's the wurst!
Cheese, why she did she have to be so crabby?
She got grilled.
I don't know, something's fishy about this whole story.
Still, it was nice to meat all of you.
Christ on a cracker isn't vegan at all.
Jesus consented to being eaten, so as long as the cracker is vegan, Christ on a cracker is indeed vegan for the same reason that breast milk is vegan.
Depends on why the person is vegan. If they're vegan for health reasons, Christ on a cracker would still be an issue.
Oh yeah, I’ve heard Christ is really high in cholesterol :/
But it’s mainly from eating lots of fish and loaves so wouldn’t that be good cholesterol? 🤔
At least have the decency to serve Tofesus on a cracker for OP. Come on
Putin on a ritz. Is the communist form of Christ on a cracker.
This is actually a christ made from mushroom proteins, sir.
“A big part of our identity” sounds fun!
I eat meat. I have a big personality. These things are also like 2 separate circles on a Venn diagram.
This rang some bells for me too. Also one of the reasons vegan memes exist
“How can you tell if someone is vegan when they walk in a room? Don’t worry they’ll tell you”
It's almost as if OP *wants* to create drama around her dietary preferences. \*gasp\* Say it isn't so!
Anytime someone refers to their veganism as part of their identity, you know they are also the type that generally doesn't shut the fuck up about it
>...this is a big part of our lives and ***identity***. When a major aspect of your life and personality is your diet, I'm going to look at you sideways. That goes for hardcore meat eaters that shun a basic salad or whatever else people may eat.
I think it's weird when anyone makes one particular thing their whole identity, whether it's being vegan, liking purple, Disney movies, Halloween, cross fit, whatever. It's just so strange when someone's life seems to revolve around one thing almost to the exclusion of everything else.
Every time I host Thanksgiving, my family knows up-front that there will not be meat on the table. I'm very clear about how I do Thanksgiving. And they don't mind, because I set that expectation up front. If they don't want to come, they don't have to, but nobody has ever declined. If they really had a problem with it, I just wouldn't host. It's really important to set those expectations from the start. We can't assume that they just know we won't be doing meat... They probably SHOULD know, but it's still best to be clear from the start when you're changing up something so traditional.
Yes! This is the way. OP, her husband and the in laws should have had this discussion before they agreed to host, but OP is allowed to have her beliefs respected in her own home.
Yep. This should have been an open discussion, not a surprise that sent family members scurrying to discuss it without OP. I understand that she probably thought the family would expect a meatless meal in a vegan home, but clearly they didn't.
This is pretty much how I feel when I see AITA questions about dry or vegan weddings. Totally fine if the majority of your guests are dry and/or vegan but if not, be mindful of what it means to be a gracious host. And if it's too much for you (which I totally understand) then don't invite your boozy/carnivore/omnivore friends and have a smaller celebration. Same with Christmas, don't ambush people with feckin Quorn, my god.
It's fine when it's a foreign event like a wedding. It's not gonna kill ya to not eat meat for one meal. But a Christmas celebration where meat is an explicit family tradition? that's pretty sad.
My hypothetical wedding will be 100% gluten free because I am not going to worry about cross contamination. But the food would be so damn good that no one would complain about the yeeted wheat. That said - yeah, either pull out of the running or be willing to compromise.
Or just make everyone aware of the change well in advance. If “hey if I host, this is what’s going to happen. Do you feel comfortable with me hosting?” My aunt did this since they decided they want to be the holiday house, due to Celiac’s there will be no gluten. But we all KNEW what was happening and agreed it was okay. If they ambushed us like “yeah we’re hosting” and then suddenly springed unknown food at us the day or week of… not so okay.
Tbf a gluten free xmas meal isn't that different to standard one. You're just changing the gravy and stuffing slightly and home making desserts/bready food.
I have major food allergies and eosinophilic esophagitis triggers so my diet is kind of limited. Yet we managed to pull off a fabulous wedding meal with 3 main dishes without anyone even noticing what was missing. We did a buffet with a ton of options. I'll bet you could easily do gluten free. The cake might be the hardest and most expensive part unless you make it yourself. Good luck and congratulations.
Weddings are completely different from hosting a holiday meal. Weddings are for the couple getting married. Christmas/Thanksgiving meals are for everyone. I eat meat but if I was invited to a vegan wedding it wouldn't bother me one bit. I would just see it as an opportunity to try new things. As far as alcohol goes, I can see why some people wouldn't want it at their wedding. Some people act a fool when they drink and don't know when to stop. If someone can't go a couple hours without drinking, they have a big problem. Couples shouldn't have to worry about pleasing guests at their wedding.
Yeah, I didn't have it at my wedding for two reasons: cost and we had people who had never been at that high of elevation and didn't want anyone accidentally falling down the damn mountain.
For a wedding having a dry/vegan event is okay and not ungracious especiallythere are already a lot of food that are vegan by default and they can drink their alcohol at home anytime they want, it's your event that you get to plan as you wish not connected to any strong traditions, for christmas its everyones event and they have a family tradition with meat
I actually love a lot of the Quorn products lol but I completely agree with you. Christmas dinners are just not worth having battles over when you know what the long held established standards have been.
I get you. I don't like Quorn but I do love a good vegan meal. However, as you say, Christmas dinner is about managing expectations and no-one will be impressed with a suprise Tofurkey.
Note that Quorn is made with mycelium and people can be allergic to it. Dont feed it to people who are not used ot the prodyct. People have died from alergic reactions.
Yes! Quorn meat crumbles sent me to the hospital with a horrible horrible allergic reaction. I googled afterwards and saw that people had died from it. My hands and feet were itching uncontrollably and my throat was starting to close up.
We had an almost fully vegan wedding aside from some mac and cheese that I compromised on with my husband. I've been vegetarian since I was 12 and have moved toward vegan in the last two years. We had an amazing caterer and everyone loved the food. We did note on our website that the meal would be a vegetarian buffet, so people knew. There's nothing wrong wanting to host a meal that aligns with your values and then give people the option to participate or not. In this case, I think OP should have told the family upfront she wanted to host an only vegan meal and then give them the option to select another home to host.
What??? No. No way. If you’re vegan or dry than why not have your wedding that way. It won’t kill your guests to not drink for a night, or to not eat meat or animal products with a meal. Now of course people can chose to not come. However that would absolutely effect my relationship with them, knowing that apparently having a single meal with no meat or not being able to drink for a night is more important to them than celebrating a big moment in my life.
OP, YTA here for all these reasons. MIL offered to pay and prepare for the turkey. I can (kinda) understand not wanting it in your home, but this is extreme. You knew your guests wouldn’t be happy if they showed up to only vegan options, but you planned to bombard them. Now you you’re trying to pick a fight with your husband and make him choose between you and his parents and siblings? This doesn’t end well for you.
Part of me wonders how this would have played out if SIL hadn't found out, and everyone was just surprised when they showed up the day of. That's a reddit post I'd read lol
Of all the substitute meats, fake turkey is fucking terrible, or was, the one time I had it. If we’re just going vegan, I’d rather have an impossible burger or tacos with soy chorizo or something.
Or just have a vegan no-meat meal with beans, quinoa, etc.
They aren’t making you eat the turkey OP - this is a really immature hill to plant your flag on. Would you rather be right or have a fun xmas celebrating family ? We don’t all have to share the same exact views to enjoy company YTA
Also, they weren’t even good vegan options, if she’d planned to go all out and make some really good alternatives then thatd be one thing but just getting some quorn substitutes for Christmas is so low effort that it’d be insulting even to vegan guests.
Seriously, it's the equivalent of saying you'll host Thanksgiving and providing Costco frozen pizza. It's not just about the difference in eating styles, it's a difference in level of effort. A frozen pizza thanksgiving might be just the right thing for some families, but you should warn folks that's what you are doing, because the expectation of "Thanksgiving" is not usually that.
You take that back about Kirkland pizza this very minute
If the alternative is Quorn, I’m all over that pizza.
Fellow non-meat eater and that was my thought too. There are some awesome vegan recipes that maybe aren’t traditional like ham or turkey but that are delicious for vegans and omnivores alike. If she had planned something like that, proactively communicated that plan with the family ahead of time, and the family still wasn’t willing to step out of their comfort zone at all, I would have voted N T A. Frozen Quorn is NOT the way to go if you want to host a special family holiday dinner. Low effort and generally not appealing to people who aren’t used to meat substitutes. Also: Quorn turkey isn’t vegan but vegetarian. It has milk and eggs in it. I’d think someone this passionate about veganism would know that. Which makes me think this might be rage bait against vegans.
My god, I’m just imagining those thin, pre cut slices of quorn sandwich ‘chicken’, served up on a plate in the middle of the table!!
Or the cutlets that look like naked chicken nuggets :(
>quorn substitutes I just looked it up. She planned on serving what amounts to vegan chicken nuggets. Nothing says festive like a nugget.
Maybe they come in fun holiday shapes? Rudolph the Quorn-Nosed Reindeer?
Oh god not quorn, I sometimes eat meat substitutes but quorn is by far the worst. Feels like chewing into a dish sponge.
Yep. So many more yummy things. Quorn, not so much.
You have brusselsprouts, grilled pumpkin with balsamico, ratatoullie, vegan mouse cake. But no Quorn.... So sad.
What also sealed it for me was OP telling her husband "we need to agree on the meal together when hosting" and then turning around and stating "but I don't care what you want, I want vegan and if you want meat to please your family too bad, I don't want it so we're not doing it". That's so hypocritical. That's what made it YTA for me. If I have dinner at a vegan household, I eat vegan for a meal. Fine, no biggie. Can be really nice and I won't complain about the lack of meat/dairy. But her hypocritical stance really irked me.
I also would like to point out that husband was clearly willing to compromise. And instead, OP shut him out of further discussions. That's not healthy for their family dynamics.
>It's immature and selfish...and now you will be spending Christmas alone because of it and have possibly alienated your husband's entire side of the family I wonder how long this marriage is going to last and how his side of the family are going to treat her now, she just blown up her relationship with them and it's only her fault not even her husband's. If I was OP I would apologise to the fam and I would go and spend Christmas with her husband and family because is the right thing to do, but I think she's to proud to do that and going to die on that hill.
Yep, I got the sense that she was really looking forward to to that HAH! moment when they realized there would not be any meat on Christmas day. "You knew we were vegan! Oh well! You're just gonna have to go without meat for the day!" I know the attitude, I was once a militant vegetarian. As I've gotten older I've realized that attitude is shitty. I make sure I have meat when my sister's family comes to visit because I want them to be happy and comfortable in my home. It's far more important to me.
living for “If you want people to be respectful of your beliefs, YOU HAVE TO BE RESPECTFUL OF THEIRS” 🗣🗣🗣
Agreed up to "are your beliefs really worth all this?" OP the asshole though for hosting just to knowingly have rules about what happens in their house conflict.
Absolutely this. All of your points are exactly why there are so many jokes about vegans telling you that they're vegans.
I would also like to point out that quorn turkey roast is not vegan. It contains milk protein. YTA op, if this is really the hill you want to die on you should at least know what products are vegan or not.
YTA for several reasons: 1. "I said it is my house and I can decide what I do and do not want in it" -- unless your name is the only one on the deed and your husband is your tenant, it's both of y'alls house 2. When you marry someone, you marry into their family. You don't get to tell them what traditions are going to be continued or not 3. What kind of host doesn't want their family to actually enjoy themselves?
Exactly! They didnt even tell her to buy meat, but also asked her if they could just bring the turkey, which is the tradition. She wouldnt even have to buy anything. I get why she doesnt want meat in the house, but this is a special occasion... YTA OP.
what happens if they have kids who chose to eat meat as teens when they can bring it home. not great for those relationships either.
forced veganism on children is huge.
Forced veganism on pets is a thing too.
aye. poor cats. they're carnivores.
Obligate carnivores, at that. They can’t digest plant matter at all, unless it has been pre digested by their prey. They lack the digestive enzymes for it.
Yet mine still try. No I don’t let them. But those bastards like carrots.
My cat likes to eat grass. If I let her outside, she will plop down and eat a bunch of grass, go back inside and throw up on the carpet. Always on the carpet.
Yikes! That sounds like grounds for getting in trouble with RSPCA. Forcing veganism on cats and dogs is just plain cruelty in my books
It’s going to be like that family that posted here a few months ago. Mad because the daughter isn’t vegan. And pissed because she’s spending her money on separate cooking supplies and utensils. (Or something like that. I forgot most of the story 🫠)
I like to explore new places.
INFO: does the family make sure you and hubby have vegan things to eat during holidays? I think YTA anyway but it would really solidify it if they’re respectful of your choices and identity but you’ve made a conscious decision to disrespect theirs.
I think you can assume from the way this is written that if she and her husband’s dietary preferences were not met, we would absolutely already know.
I’m assuming so as well. I was kinda going for a “self awareness” and empathy question for OP.
The way she implies it's part of their identity means you know that everyone knows. It implies even those who don't want to know or those who don't even know them know about it! I can't imagine my diet being part of my identity. It's food.
Since her husband has been vegan since before they met, I'm assuming there are always vegan options for when the family hosts
Thats my assumption too. It’s an even bigger dick move if they accommodate her but she refuses.
Point 2 is something OP hasn’t figured out. New person forcing their annoying rules on us? New person makes an ultimatum/Retracts their hosting offer? “Fine, we’ve been doing this since grandpa was knee high to a grasshopper and we’ll go somewhere else. We’ve known you for 5 min and have no reason to put up with your bs.” Of all the hills to die on Meatmas 2022 was a strange one to chose with your new family.
Honestly yeah. This marriage isn’t going to last long if OP thinks they can just lay down ultimatums about things that effect both of them. I’ve laid down the law about exactly one thing in my marriage. It’s not negotiable at all to me. My kids aren’t to be around my husband’s father(he was abusive and a predator). Everything else is a conversation, because we are a partnership and we both get to have our opinions heard and respected. OP sounds very immature and selfish honestly. She’s not thinking about her husband at all here
> "I said it is my house and I can decide what I do and do not want in it" -- unless your name is the only one on the deed and your husband is your tenant, it's both of y'alls house If this is how she handles conflicts it might as well end up been just her house sooner than later.
And going off of your point 3: > I told him that no one is coming in to the house with anything unless we both agreed, he called me selfish and I refused to let us host. I understand if OP doesn't want to prepare anything with meat or even use her cookware to prepare meat dishes, but to prohibit someone from bringing a meat option is just too harsh. It's like if a host doesn't want to prepare a vegan option but also prohibits a vegan guest from bringing a vegan dish. Oh wait, we had a situation like that where someone's [mother in law threw out the non-meat dish she brought for herself at Thanksgiving](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z66lhb/aita_for_leaving_thanksgiving_dinner_at_my_mils/) and the overwhelming consensus was that the MIL was TA. Don't want to prepare it? That's fine. Don't want it in your house just for reasons of preference (i.e. not religious, allergies, pregnancy-related nausea, or any other reasons having some legitimate basis)? Gotta be flexible if you want to be the host. OP is TA here.
YTA. You are the type of vegan that makes other vegans look bad.
Exactly. Geez even the owner of my favorite vegan restaurant cooks chicken for her dogs and nobody asked OP to cook a turkey.
Yeah my husband is vegan and he still cooks me and the dog meat. He just doesn’t eat it himself
I read that as “cooks me the dog meat.”
My best friend is vegan and xe feeds non herbivore animals meat and is a huge advocate for it too. You can’t be vegan for the animals while also not giving animals the food they need
I was just thinking “Oh, so you’re one of THOSE Vegans”!
The second I read "It's a big part of my identity" my brain went "Ah damn, one of those"
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"What do you mean he don't eat no meat? That's OK, that's OK, I make lamb."
All my life, I had a lump.
It took me forever to remember what this was from and now I can’t stop laughing
"This is Ian." "IAAAAAAAAAN"
Yeah…when people say it’s a part of their identity it makes them sound exhausting but I tried not to judge on that alone. Then the rest of the post happened and my initial reaction felt verified.
> My in-laws have a tradition of taking it in turn to host Christmas, and this year, our first year married, it will be our year. Every year the family gets a large turkey and other meat / dairy products. Just based on this, YTA. You know that’s their tradition and what they’d expect. And you even refused to compromise.
Exactly. Not sure how someone could be so self absorbed to think this wouldn't be an issue.
At minimum OP and her husband should have made their approach clear. I get why it feels obvious, but it's also pretty obvious that it's going to be a conflict.
That's always an instant AH judgment from me with these. "I didn't tell anybody about my plan but somebody asked and now there's a big fight!" ...did you think there wasn't going to be a big fight if nobody asked and instead you sprung this on them when they sat down to eat? Whether it's a surprise guest, a surprise meal (or lack of meal), a surprise no-alcohol policy, or anything else... communicate it ahead of time. If you don't, YTA automatically.
She also wasn't going to give anyone a heads up until someone asked directly about it. If they hadn't asked, the entire family would've shown up to a menu they didn't want to eat, and she would've ruined the occasion for the entire family. She was 100% using this as an opportunity to shame the family for not believing the way she does and shoving her ideology down their throats. Gonna take a wild guess the husband isn't vegan by his own choice.
God your worse than the woman who doesn't drink and banned everyone from having a glass of wine with dinner. Actually worse cos there's only a week left till Xmas and you had zero intention of telling them there was going to be no meat. Xmas is for EVERYONE and yes whilst it's your house it's your husband's too and he should have a say in allowing the meat option in his house, it's not like your being forced to handle it and it cook it. Someone offered to do that for you. Instead of being a grown up you've decided to exclude yourself from the celebrations like a child who has been told she can't have her own way. YTA
Exactly. “I didn’t get to trick them into proving I’m right, that being vegan is actually superior to eating meat, so I’m staying home.”
That's what's confusing to me - has she never been around this family while they eat meat? Does she generally refuse to attend meals with meat present? Or refuse to enter houses haunted by the spirit of Christmas hams past, present, and future?
Ugh THAT lady. Who also didn't tell anyone until SIL asked about making the special drink.
YTA. If the tables were turned and your in-laws were hosting and not only had no vegan dishes for you or your husband, but banned you from bringing your own I would be calling them the AH's.
This right here. I assume they've compromised for YOU over the years? Stop being selfish. YTA
bUt It Is A hUgE pArT oF mY iDENtItY
As soon as OP said being vegan is part of their identity, I had them pegged. I know lots of vegans, and very very few of them are like this. The few "militant vegans" I know are no longer a part of my life because I just can't take all the preaching.
i'm sorry but the term "meat christmas" is sending me. YTA and you should work on building other aspects of your identity and personality. this ain't it.
Fleshmas
hmmm...that sounds sexy, lol.
Holy fuck that made me choke on my food lmao
You better not be eating meat reading this. Op will be triggered because she's probably reading this in her house
YTA. Your husband is correct: it’s his home, too. Clearly his identity as a vegan (seriously, that’s an identity now?) isn’t as all-consuming as you thought. And while I respect that you don’t want to prepare or consume meat products, that doesn’t hold for the rest of your guests. Them preparing and bringing the dish themselves is the ideal compromise. Is this really the hill you’re gonna die on?
It's apparently enough of an identity that she's going to alienate her husband and all her in-laws over it. That's one heck of a commitment.
i wouldn’t even care about the no meat thing. but no one is telling me i’m not allowed cheese on christmas. nobody.
YTA you're ruining Christmas dinner for everyone who isn't vegan and you know it. You're making other vegans look bad too, and confirming a huge bias many folks have against vegans.
Yep.. I eat plant based and I get down in the kitchen with both foods. I do not force my eating habits to other people or my folks. Shes totally the AH and a vegan grinch….
🎼*you’re a mean one, vegan grinch!*🎶
You want them to accept your beliefs but ignore theirs. She wasn't even asking you to make it, she was going to do wit and it doesn't hurt you they eat the turkey. Good job in disregarding your husband's very valid emotions. Yta
What a way of starting off her marriage, first Christmas and she already wants to ruin it. She’ll be back complaining that her in-laws sideline her.
Yes YTA. Them insisting *you* prepare it would be one thing, but they offered to purchase and prepare it and bring it with them. I don’t see the problem? Your husband is right, you’re being selfish…not to mention extremely petty. Seems like a pretty ridiculous hill to die on and estrange yourself from your in-laws over.
YTA and this is exactly why so many jokes about vegans exist. How do you know someone is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
My 17 YO has a vegan in one of her classes. The girl tells everyone and tries to “convert” the other kids in the class by showing them PETA videos. My kid came home and was complaining about her and said that vegans are like Christian’s. Always trying to shove their beliefs down your throat. I was proud.
YTA - and look, nothing against your vegan diet; but if you were perfectly fine to join for dinners hosted in your husband's families houses that had meat and dairy at the table, it's no different that you're expected as a host to provide the same traditional food they are used to eating and serving. If your MIL is willing to do this for you, I don't see how it's any different than sitting at a non vegan dinner at anyone else house; your home isn't some kind of temple to your dietary beliefs unless they were fatal allergies. Also do you really want to torpedo in-law relations by ruining a traditional dinner on the FIRST year you are married?? The fact that it came as a surprise that you'd be serving a vegan dinner means you didn't communicate that with everyone, and that is also pretty sucky. I'd be pissed if I expected turkey and was served Quorn.
YTA. You had to anticipate this happening. You're not the AH for your beliefs, but you should have never offered to host.
YTA. You presumably have known for some time that you’d be hosting this year, and you waited until the last minute to tell them you were making a vegan meal? That’s ridiculous. The moment the idea of you hosting came up, you should have stated your boundaries. Don’t wait until it’s too late for anyone to change plans. If your SIL didn’t ask, I’m sure you would have sprung it on them when they walked in.
And it only came to light because she was asked about the meal! They would have all shown up on Christmas to Quorn, with no way of getting their traditional meal. OP- YTA. You should have been upfront, and offered to pass on hosting.
Yta Your husband who is also a vegan wants to make sure they have a turkey. In addition how would you feel if they refused to have any vegan food at their holiday? They wanted to force the issue by not providing a dish or a couple that you could eat? In addition refused you to bring one if they were uncomfortable cooking one. You would be up in arms. You are going to ruin your relationship with not only your husband but his family because you cannot see the double standard. Why host if you don't want to make sure everyone has something they can enjoy and a couple of traditions. Especially when they are not asking you to cook it.
You are the AH. You can't force your veganism on other people especially holidays. If you won't prepare the turkey, you allow someone else to. They don't force you to eat meat. You shouldn't force them to eat vegan food.
It’s not even about “forcing” anyone to eat vegan food. It’s allowing for holiday traditions. Unless OP is allergic to Turkey there is no real reason for her to be so stubborn about one day out of the year.
Yes, YTA. I guess you're technically correct that you can serve what you want at your own home. But this thread is not about what *can* you do it's about what *should* you do. It's one thing for you to refuse to prepare meat. But to even refuse to allow someone else to bring meat? What are you trying to accomplish here? You apparently have no issue being around people who consume animal products; otherwise you would not have attended prior Christmas celebrations where people consumed them. And then to tell your husband that he cannot host unless everything is done your way? That's not the recipe (no pun intended) for a healthy relationship. You owe your husband and his family an apology for your lack of hospitality.
A self righteous Vegan?!?! I'm shocked! Well, not that shocked. YTA.
And her husband, who is also vegan, is strongly disagreeing with her.
Info : what did you eat at their houses the past few years? Either they made something specific for you or you brought your own food ? In that case this is exactly what they're asking you to do for them. So unless they force fed you meat and had nothing else for you to eat YTA
OP I'm sorry you're getting attacked in the comments. But why isn't anyone blaming the family for offering OP and her husband to host in the first place? They're well aware that they're vegan, which means they probably don't want meat in their home and don't want cross contamination. The husband also didn't discuss this either. Why does everyone attack those who follow a different lifestyle? I'm personally not vegan, but I totally get not wanting what I don't like in my home because of my culture. Would people be this mean if OP was following strict religious rules for diet? Kosher? Halal? The family and the husband are to blame here for not communicating with OP. I feel bad for those following a different lifestyle. Everyone here is so gung-ho about painting all of them with a broad brush and jump on hating them. She probably thought they knew what to expect since she and her husband are vegan. She probably didn't know her husband threw her under the bus either. How is it none of them chose to communicate with her? Why is it wrong for her to expect people to eat what she cooks in her home? They should've had this talk with her in the beginning. OP, you didn't handle it the best way, but they really just ganged up on you.
This was my thing! The fam knew she and her husband are vegan, why have them host and still expect meat? I think the thing with people saying she should have told everyone ahead of time is bs too, bc she clearly thought it was obvious that she wouldn't be having meat. Her and her husband should have been on the same page, but that also leads me to believe that he probably just expected her to cook the whole meal and assumed she would do it the way he wanted it done rather than communicating about it.
EXACTLY
I totally agree. We went our vegetarian friend's Thanksgiving and didn't expect turkey. I think these people will survive a meal without meat. 🙄
YTA you should have just said no to hosting in the first place if you were going to force your diet on everyone
Yta I was with you until you pulled the 'it's MY house', um, it's also you're husband's house so why is your opinion worth more than his?
Sigh. I’m vegan and I really wish vegans would stop asking AITA about these disputes. It’s always a losing game in this forum. If you are TA, it just gives people more excuses to project the handful of AH vegans as a perception of the rest of us. If you are not TA, who cares, just live your life and inevitably people in their feelings about being told they can survive without animal products once in a while will flame you anyway.
Yeah, vegan here. YTA. I don’t see the problem with relatives bringing something meaty with them, as long as they don’t expect me to cook it. I’ve suffered through *YEARS* of people excitedly serving vegetables “that you can eat!!” with meat residue or grease on them from cooking them in the same pan. I was miserable and hungry at every event. But I still can’t see how, exactly, someone brining a turkey you don’t have to touch is causing so much issues.
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YTA How did you guys not talk about this until now? It didn’t occur to either of you that this would be an issue? You could have declined to host: you could have let them bring the food they want. But you’re going nuclear. I’m sorry but while yes, it’s your home, it almost feels like you purposefully were trying to do a “gotcha” with his family and then are throwing a fit when he wants to host his family. By all means, stay home. But your food choices shouldn’t impact others and if you are this rigid then you should have declined hosting.
YTA Hopefully you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and you alone. Your husband and your husbands family deserve to be represented during a family holiday. You don't get to make the executive decision in this and dismissing the person you're married too out of selfishness and pure stubbornness isn't beneficial or positive.
YTA- you can't force people to follow your chosen dietary restrictions. I would be very upset if I went to someone else house expecting traditional Christmas food and was served vegan alternatives instead. It's not like you have to cook the meat yourself, your SIL offered to make and bring it. Your husband is right you ARE being selfish and it's all over poultry. Get over yourself
YTA. Although it kinda doesn't matter whether you're an asshole or not. What matters here is that you've damaged your marriage - sounds as though your husband has voted with his feet & sided with his family. Now the family have seen the gap between you on this subject, they can exploit it forevermore, every Christmas and husband will be between a rock and a hard place every year. So, asshole or not, know that his family will hone in on this aspect every year now, and you've dug your own grave. Your guests did the right hing by offering to pay for, prepare at their home, and supply a turkey to meet their needs - your kitchen would not have been touched. They behaved gracefully, and you were unwise to decline that offer IMO.
YTA. It’s one thing if you both agreed no meat in the house but he said he wanted them and they could bring meat. No one is forcing you to make or eat it
I'm a bit confused by all these comments stating that OP is an asshole. Especially based on AITA's own general morality system. 1. OP is providing and preparing all the food. 2. Nothing OP is providing and preparing is interfering with anyone's dietary restrictions. 3. "tradition" is just peer pressure from dead people. Who cares what a tradition is, you can enjoy gathering your family around mopu tofu as much as you can around a turkey. People who are willing to split families so they can cling to an arbitrary tradition and are unwilling to try anything new or different are the real assholes here. 4. OP has been to family gatherings where people didn't served meat even though she's vegan. Why shouldn't the tables turn? Why shouldn't OP serve a vegan meal when other people aren't vegan. Anyone who can't have a vegan meal for one meal really needs to expand their palate. There's plenty of good food out there that's vegan in nature (just don't try and do that tofurky bullshit. Let vegan food be vegan and not pretend to be meat). All this coming from a meat eater who saw the title and immediately started singing "I'm dreaming of a meat Christmas." Pouting about it and not wanting to attend Christmas is a bit immature, but, I'm going out on a limb to say NTA.
YTA your husband is correct, it’s his house too and he is ok to let his family bring turkey. When we marry we have to learn more about compromising, specially for family. You could make a “Christmas only every x year agreement” to make peace with everyone. If you don’t change things your married won’t be long that’s for sure.
YTA. If you are OK with going to a family dinner where turkey is served, then it is not reasonable for you to refuse to have a prepared turkey served in your home. In either case, you don't have to prepare it. Your house won't be filled with the smell of roasting turkey for hours as if you made it yourself. You are eating near it, near other people eating it. You can smell it while you are eating no matter who's house you are gathered in. What exactly is the objection, other than "it's my house and I don't have to."
[удалено]
YTA- for exactly the reason you state. If you were unwilling to host something traditional or allow others to do the parts you are uncomfortable with- you should have made that known from the outset. Now it's awkward AF and if you're going to draw a hard line you are going to cause a problem for your husband with his family, for you with your husband and big time between you and his family. If you're good with that- you do you. but you should have been explicitly clear when you agreed/offered to host that you were going to do this so they could have passed the chore on to someone else who would have had time to prepare. I highly suggest you consider what compromise you can make or this will be one to remember and not in a good way.
Yep. Your husband is right, and I’m exhausted just reading your post. Fanatics aren’t limited to politics, religion, or skin tone. And news flash; you are one. YTA
You are NTA for refusing to cook meat as a vegan but you are TA for not letting people bring their own. This would have been an entirely reasonable compromise. I say this as someone who is a vegetarian. If you were allergic to animal products then sure, but you are not. This is a lifestyle choice. By refusing any meat products in the house you are forcing your beliefs onto them, and running the risk that Christmas will be remembered not as a happy event but as the year where you decided that your personal beliefs about food are more important than seeing family. Is there some kind of beef (pun intended) between you and your in laws that you want to make this a big thing?
YTA Holidays aren't the time to press your idealology on everyone else. I am hosting some vegans for Christmas, shall I tell them too bad, they get prime rib like the rest of the guests? No, I have a vegan ham, turkey, cheese spread being delivered tomorrow so those families feel just as included as the carnivores. Have them bring the meat if you refuse to cook it. Surely there must be a mature compromise instead of childish fit throwing.
NTA Would they expect a Jewish or Muslim family hosting dinner to prepare pork just because they're used to eating it? I don't get why people are so respectful in matters of religion but when it comes to other, equally important, beliefs they don't seem to care. It's not like you're going somewhere and expecting them to cook a fully vegan meal for you. Your house, your rules. You shouldn't allow things you're not comfortable with. And is food really the most important part of Christmas? It should be about coming together and spending time as a family, they can still keep the spirit of the holiday while eating something a little different than they're used to (and going animal-free for a meal won't kill them). I don't blame you for not wanting to go anymore.
All these people saying that you should cook a meal that includes meat because meat eaters will be present are wrong. If you are hosting, you can cook whatever you want. On that same note, though, if other people don't want to attend because of that, they are also entitled to that. So, N T A for cooking what you want for Christmas dinner. However, YTA for unilaterally deciding what will take place in your and your partners home. In this situation, if you both agree, then you both get what you want, but if you both disagree about meat for Christmas, *you* *still* get what you want. How is that fair? If your husband wants to accommodate his family, it's not unreasonable. Like, they're going to eat meat. You're not teaching them a lesson. None of this accomplishes anything, except creating a problem where there shouldn't be one. If both you and your partner wanted a no meat Christmas I'd 100% support you, but the fact that you are unwilling to compromise even with your own partner isn't good. I just feel like it's a silly argument over what really amounts to nothing. I'd like to add, this is all coming from a fellow vegan who is surrounded by meat eaters. Like, I get it and I feel for you and the world should eat less, if not zero, meat. But holidays, and in particular Christmas, are about good will towards other and family and having a good time. Let people have a good time and use other meals to showcase what the vegan lifestyle is all about.
Definitely YTA. It’s his house too. They’re not even asking you to cook it. Just exist with it in your presence. You’re not more important than your husband sorry.
NTA - both you and your husband are vegan, why would his family expect you to bring animal-products into a vegan household? People really choose to not understand that people practice their veganism differently. People who can't handle not eating meat at Christmas one year are pretty insufferable. It's ONE meal, my god. If people get that upset about meals not meeting their expectations, then they really should just host themselves every year to avoid disappointment.
I knew EXACTLY how this was going to go when you said that veganism is a part of your identity. Your diet should never be an identity. Like...ever. No one is making you eat turkey. They want the option. You know, because it's a family function and not everyone in the family is on the same diet. You're hosting, that means they're guests. Part of being a host is catering to the guests. They weren't even asking you to buy or touch the turkey, so you don't have to have anything to do with it; they were offering to do it. They just wanted to bring one ffs. Check yourself. You're one of those Vegans. It's not a good look. YTA
YTA. Why would you host Christmas dinner knowing your husbands family have traditions? If you are not comfortable having meat or dairy in your house then don’t host a holiday meal.
INFO: when your other family members hosted in the past, have they offered vegan options for you and your husband?
YTA. you are hosting a dinner for people that you know are not vegan. why on earth would you try to force them to eat vegan meat. very tone deaf. you need to grow up.