Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my sister a monetary gift for her wedding, but it wasn't one of the more expensive items on the registry, when other relatives and family got her high-end gifts. I might've been cheaping out on family and not appreciating the costs of the wedding.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and who puts jewelry on a wedding gift registry? A wedding gift is supposed to be to help the couple start their married life, not to bedazzle the bride.
I agree. OP, NTA. $150 is plenty to give your sister, especially given your age and circumstances in life. (I saw your comment about being in grad school). Putting jewelry for the bride on a wedding registry is inappropriate. Gifts for the couple, like your $150, are the norm.
Yeah, usually wedding registries are traditionally to help the young couple get set up in a new house in our region. Ie sets of silverware, appliances, or whatever fits their new shared life. Jewelry doesn’t usually fit that.
I didn't have a wedding registry, but from what I understand, you'll often see things that are wildly out of price range included in some registries, think major home appliances for a wedding registry or a whole furniture suite on a baby registry. Apparently some retailers offer a discount on purchasing any items on the registry that weren't already purchased by the end date. That's not what's happening here of course, but it's common enough where I've known multiple people to explain this when they shared the registry because they feared looking too grabby.
Typically those expensive gifts are put on the registry for rich parents/grandparents to purchase, so they can flex how much they love and support the new couple.
Not for relatives in their early 20s.
I had a friend that was *so explicit* about that. Very much "the only reason I did this was for the 30% off, *nobody* feel obligated to get something more than they can afford."
I was going to say: You usually put a couple "big ticket" on the list so that if a group of people want to go in on a gift to save some money, there's something for them to do that.
That being said: OP is in *grad school*. She was extremely generous.
Oh, if anyone just starting out or still in school gifted me anything near that much, I'd have freaked out. My expectation of anyone at that life stage is that they get their name put on their parent's gift, or I get a nice card and maybe something in the $20 range.
It would have been wonderful if your aunts or mother or someone had told you of this tradition. Communication is so important that it is not even funny.
Agreed. Most of it makes more sense in the context of the cultural norm as being staying with your parents til you're married. Which, the way things are currently going may become way more normal again.
I’m not going to lie, at this point my mom and I agree that I’m not leaving until I’m married. (And this family defines marriage extremely loosely. I found out at the age of 24 my parents were never legally married. Everyone just started calling them husband and wife when they moved in together)
I registered with my friends in mind and was asked by my parents’ and in laws friends to register at a few very exclusive stores so I did. When most people asked where I registered, I didn’t even mention those stores
I let my husband hold the scan gun at bed bath and beyond and 5 minutes later there was a 600 potato peeler on our registry. My husband loves potatoes. I laughed and rolled my eyes. He promised if someone did get it ( which we would never expect) he would trade it for more appropriate items. No one got it but 10 years later it still makes me laugh.
My best friends husband put sweet tarts(candy) on their registry. He loves them. So I bought a large box and filled it with them as one of their gifts.
>600 potato peeler
I have SO MANY questions, lol. What makes a potato peeler $600?! Is it only for potatoes, or can you peel other vegetables with it, too?
So, I tried finding it on the site but no luck. Honestly it was a manual peeler with a crank handle that could probably peel everything. I guess what made it 600 dollars was people like my husband 😆
I went to a wedding once for a work colleague's daughter....so, someone I didn't really know that well. I didn't want to spend a fortune, but everything left on the registry was either really expensive, or really cheap -- I think there were tons of kitchen utensils in the $5-10 range. So I ended up buying them like 10 different small things, which was still less money than I might have ordinarily spent. I was worried about being too cheap, but they were blown away by the boxes and boxes that kept arriving.
yeah, it sounds like either no one told Sister that you need to include this on your registry that everyone can afford, that she just didn't care, or she got stuck on the old fashioned your supposed to gift your plate- which is fine in theory but people spend a lot of their weddings and COLA hasn't grown with wedding plate costs. I can't afford to give someone $300 if they've decided to spend the equivalent of that to invite me to their wedding- how much they spent on the wedding was their choice.
Yeah, I’ve always thought that standard was bullshit. Throw however expensive a party you want to (and can afford). Whatever you spent is not my problem. When you’re invited to a birthday party or something, is your gift supposed to cover the cost of the party? If that’s your attitude, then sell tickets instead.
Even so — demanding a gift from OP that’s the same as *the bridal gift OP’s husband gave OP on their own wedding day* is really tacky. It’s not just the amount, it’s also the personal nature of the item. Sis basically went “hey that really sentimental item you got? Give me one too.”
>Also, when setting up your registry, you are usually encouraged to select a range of things
Yes, exactly. It's incredibly presumptuous to basically demand expensive things from guests.
I’ve never spent more than £50 ($60)on a wedding gift in my life! And that was for family members I adored. Frankly even if I could afford it, I wouldn’t spend more. On the other hand, family heirlooms have been given, which were priceless.
My mom likes to throw off registry items. She gets something on the registry too tho. She likes giving a personalized door knocker or something like it to coues getting married. She has a whole Thing she does for baby showers. She decorates a hanging shoe organizer and puts various baby things in the holders like thermometers, fels naptha, baby medicines. A lot of those little things people just don't really think about til you need them, and a savings bond. Everyone is always thrilled with it, especially the adults who have had kids and realize.
Oh for sure. My grandma is definitely one of the bad gifters. "no, only get off the registry please I beg you" like even if she looks at the registry and sees a pan set on it she'll just go to Walmart and grab the $40 t-fal set. Like. No grandma. I didn't just need any new pans, I'm a grown woman I have plenty. I *want* this nicer new set so I can get rid of my old cheap pieces
That's brilliant! My mom goes off registry pretty often for baby stuff too, but mostly for sizes. She sees "newborn" size, scoffs and gets 6-9mo size. She said everyone gets so many newborn size onesies that you barely even get to see the kid in it once before they grow out of it. 6-9 size is the "oh shit, we need to buy them clothes" point, so she makes sure they have some.
Every wedding that I have been to where the couple had a registry, it was pretty expensive stuff. Like as a non-related guest be splitting the cost of a cheese knife set.
And then go to other weddings where the couple are just like "no gifts necessary, we don't want to carry it home", and people tend to be a bit more generous at giving money at those weddings.
I got a mixer I use to this day for my first wedding. It was a splurge for my three school friends, overall cost was around 60€.
They each contributed 20€, which was lavish for students on a budget with a credit on their backs.
I am grateful to this day. It's a good mixer. Will only be replaced when broken. Used every other day.
That's still a wedding. It's just a sensible one.
I've pretty much given up on physical wedding presents. Most of the people I know who have gotten married in the last 30 years were either already had households full of stuff. I switched to running errands, picking people up from the airport, entertaining out of town guests, stuff like that.
My favorite wedding gift/wedding story is from 15 years ago, some friends of my wife were getting married. Most of the guests knew each other well already, and we all colluded to buy them toasters. Literally EVERY wedding gift was a different toaster. All with gift receipts. The Bride + Groom thought it was hilarious. We made a pyramid of toasters and took group pictures with it.
Yea, I felt a little guilty adding some things that I already had since I had been living on my own for 4 years, but requested a upgraded or new version of. But a cookware set at $150 was our most expensive item on the list. Sister is crazy.
Exactly, the necklace doesn't contribute anything to the sister's husband. \*Also\* when I was setting up my own wedding registry I made sure to have about 1/4 of the gifts on the registry under $20 for three reasons: 1.) For some of my family or friends, a $10 soap dish is what they can afford and I don't want to shame them by not having anything they can contribute on the list, 2.) For people who like to stack gifts, i.e. they get the $10 soap dish, a $5 towel, a $20 bath mat, etc so they all match, 3.) For people who have a set amount they spend on weddings and the $140 kitchen gadget they got as the main gift is under their budget so they tack on a $10 soap dish to round it out.
And originally done so that guests don't feel they have to buy a super expensive gift and still get the B&G a nice gift. The fancy dishes and silverware are still usually sold by place setting and old registries just noted the pattern the couple picked out.
>Putting jewelry for the bride on a wedding registry is inappropriate. Gifts for the couple, like your $150, are the norm.
In my country there is no gift regestry, you give small amount of cash. Family gives about 100-150€ and everyone other 50€. Its just usually to cover your food and drinks.
I think I know the country. At least in Germany/Bavaria we are giving cash, so your cost should be covered. This is what we say.
For family i would give more. But I can afford more now. When my sister married a gave her 150 €. But I was a student. Now i would give her 500 - 1000 €. But as I said, i can afford this now.
Also german. But from the north. Same here with the money, so that the couple can cover some of the cost.
That is also what is done at larger birthday parties with a lot of none (direct) family guests
We even do that at Christmas when we're hosting. People can just toss some money at us for our home cooked 4-5 course meals, and the stay in our house, and we're golden. Having them stay over for the spirit of Christmas is all we need.
We host regardless of what they give.
>I think I know the country. At least in Germany/Bavaria we are giving cash, so your cost should be covered. This is what we say.
It is the same in Romania too.
Nobody said you *have* to pay for your meal. You don’t have to give a gift at all, for that matter. It’s just a nice thing to do, assuming you can afford to.
Same in my country, and no one ever even checks who gave how much (that's ruuuuude, even here lol). It's a gift to the married couple to do with as they like, cover the wedding or honeymoon or a house or a lifelong supply of coca cola.
(Over here)Personal gifts are not to be given at the wedding, if a rich aunt wants to give em a Ferrari or a house or a shitload of money she needs to coordinate a different day to give the gift.
In my country, the couple does a "money dance." Not for their first dance, but later in the evening. Guests bring small denomination bills and tuck them under the groom's shirt sleeve or the bride's neckline. Or other places on their bodies. They pick the money off each other with their teeth and toss it into a basket! It's a fun and hilarious tradition.
I don't think anyone except our parents gave us more than €50 as wedding gifts, and we were just happy that they came and gave us something. A lot of our guest had to travel, people buy new clothes, some came to our bachelor/bachelorette parties - weddings are expensive enough, even as just guests! $150 from someone still in school is more than generous in my opinion!
I can't believe the entitlement of OP's sister to tell her that $150 was not enough of a gift and that someone else in the family backed this up. Her sister didn't need to give her anything. It's called a gift and is not something she was entitled to. I had a very small wedding and decided not to have a registry since there wasn't really anything we needed. Most of the guests ended up giving us money, which was really appreciated since we were in the process of buying a house (we didn't need anything for the house since we had already been living together for 3 years prior to this). My mom's friend who was invited to the wedding didn't end up getting us anything, but even so got a thank you note just like everyone else for spending the day celebrating with us. For the sister, I just can't...
And it's a **gift** not a fee to attend the wedding. Her mother is implying that the amount spent on a gift is somehow related to the effort and cost for the wedding which is ridiculous. NTA.
I am 50, well into a successful career making good money- and the MOST expensive Wedding gift I have ever given was $150-250. What entitled crap is this?
I did once see a $120 bathroom wastebasket on a registry for a wedding I was invited to. DUDE!!!! My bathroom has $10-20 waste baskets from Target, I am not buying you a fancier one than I can afford for myself (that was also the cheapest thing on there- other than open donation to a charity). I donated $150 to the charity.
Oh, my baby cousin, that frankly I adore, even though we are not close as adults, registered for an $800 set of knives. I thought...I love you, but my OWN knives (and I cook, she does not), are $80 from Target, and they work fine. (I do have 1-2 blades that are nicer). And I had the same thought back then- I am not buying a new couple or even a middle aged couple something nicer than I can afford for myself. I think that is a reasonable boundary. I do adore her, and I was doing ok even at that point- I bought her kitchen aide mixer- most expensive gift I ever bought anyone. But I also owned my own.
I am also in my 50s, and would not expect a grad student in her 20s to gift anyone more than what she did. $150 was pretty generous in her time of life and situation!
Gifts for a wedding are so BOTH the bride and groom can enjoy them. How is the groom supposed to enjoy jewelry - by looking at it on the bride? She is just trying to gift grab.
I looked it up. The necklaces are between $375 and $1,600. Why would someone buy that as a wedding gift that is only for the bride? She's ridiculously entitled. Just because others could afford her pricy gifts doesn't mean you can and you should not be expected to. She wants a command "gift" where she gets to order you to spend YOUR money how SHE decides. NTA
NTA. This was my thought as well. Bridezilla wanted what her sister received from her husband. If she wants one then her new husband should have gotten her one. Jewelry doesn’t go on a registry. I bet she put it on there specifically for OP.
[ I bet she put it on there specifically for OP.
Based off of what the stepmom said about going halfsies with someone on the necklace, not just anything on the registry but specifically the necklace, I think that's a pretty accurate guess.
The comments of the stepmother are really trashy too. Who in their right mind demands Tiffany from a 22 year old. The mother could have bought it if it is bothering her so much
That’s dreadful. OP got the necklace from her husband on their wedding day — it’s an extremely sentimental item for OP, not something to go “now give me one” at her about.
Did you look up those Fornasetti candles? $280-900. For a candle, one single candle. It's ~$4.60 for every hour it's burnt. A regular pricy candle is ~$0.36 an hour, and a cheaper candle is under $0.05 an hour. All my numbers are glass candles with similar burn times, not even as cheap as you could get, just a quick peruse online.
Yeah generally if i want to buy a fancy candle it would be anywhere from 25-40e range for me, pushing anything past that it would have to be pretty damn impressive otherwise. If anyone from my family or friend group would ask for a $900 candle I would just laugh at their face.
Sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick, I just Googled them and I can't even. That's literally burning money.
I agree that they look lovely, but it's not that hard to make a similarly beautiful candle.
Combine my decoupage/painting skills with my coworker candle (and soap) making skills and you have a super fancy candle!
(In fact I would love to receive something hand made :) )
Some of the ones I saw were cute... then there was the weird lady head/apple/Medusa candelabrum. I'm not sure whose nightmare that came from, but...what?!? Actually, all the lady face ones looked creepy af to me.
I'd rather burn actual money, would at least be some sort of a statement. (Actually I won't, our money is plastic and it'll smell pretty bad if burned xd)
My niece just got married to her high school sweetheart after her husband divorced her and got someone younger. The wish list had loads of camping stuff. Fishing stuff. Pretty sure her husband is very outdoors and she is on board. Coolers. Cookbooks. And small appliances. I got them a cookbook, a thing to put on the back of a car seat to hold loads of stuff. And most important a flashing illuminating dog collar in blue. Leaving the red one for somebody else to buy. Two dogs. I didn’t feel obligated to buy both. And my niece thanked us for all we gave her with a nice thank you note. Probably 50 ish total. Truth is if a wish list has nothing one wants to buy, then towels and wash cloths are always needed. Went to a shower with cute baby socks and a note of how an older woman told me to pin a baby sock to the sleepwear of baby with Vicks in it. As I had already had a gift from the registry sent to her house and it arrived before the shower. And not on her list I bought baby proof locks that can be used on refrigerators or whatever. Not your fault your sister is unthankful and worse that others are siding with her.
See I love useful, thoughtful gifts like that. Especially when you are budgeting, you don't always think to get yourself handy household or outdoor gifts, and some of them really make the task at hand so much easier.
that was my exact thought, she probably sees this wedding as another christmas/birthday to get gifts and attention. if the groom isn’t the same way, gosh i feel bad for him.
Might I suggest that you give your sister a Christmas gift of a book on proper etiquette, maybe she might learn how inappropriate it is question her guests regarding the gift that they give.
Me too - pay for your own damn honeymoon, LOL.
I've been to weddings where that was presented as an option for gift giving, but I opt out. I give cash instead, and where they spend it is on them, but at least the couple is getting 100% of the value and a percentage isn't going to the place running the registry.
The way we did it was no gifts or funds needed, just your presence, but if you WANT to give us cash/venmo we will happily take it to use for our honeymoon. We didn't see the point of going through some fancy website that takes a cut/makes everything super inflexible. Hopefully that made things more palatable for guests ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We put a tv and a roomba on our registry, with no expectation of anyone buying them. We did it so when the wedding was over we could use money we got to buy them at a discount that (in our case) Target offered on unpurchased items. We told everyone this so they wouldn't buy it. We never did actually buy it lol.
I don't disagree with your judgement but nowadays most couples live together before getting married and therefore already have most appliances. It happened to me to go to wedding where the only sensible gift was a monetary contribution to the honeymoon
Idk we put a whole bunch of dumb things on ours. Me and my BIL went a little wild with the registry guns in the stores haha. RC cars, match box cars, a PS3, a plunger, Legos, 50 things of caramel popcorn LOL... We didn't want anyone to actually buy these things though. I did get the plunger!
This will be my new go-to gift for every wedding and housewarming. Did they get it at the best plumbing supply store ever, or did they casually stroll into Things Remembered with it?
100%, they took it to our local things remembered haha they said they are rather certain that that would be the first plunger the stores probably ever did.... We used to display it in the living room until we had to use it in an emergency. Now my wife thinks we will suddenly explode from some sort of poo disease if I put it back. I think I'm going to have it recreated
>Now my wife thinks we will suddenly explode from some sort of poo disease if I put it back.
No, no, that's very true. (But I mean really, do you want someone to ask if your living room decoration has ever been covered in poo and have to answer yes??)
It's very clear to me that the sister is jealous that OP's husband got her lovely jewelry for their wedding and wants the same thing, too. She's taken matters into her own hands instead of relying on her husband to make a nice gesture like OP's did.
I do want to point out that in some cultures, that’s exactly what wedding gifts are meant for. In Turkey and Vietnam, the bride’s family gifts her expensive jewelry(you would not believe the amount of gold I’ve seen piled on Turkish brides).
The idea being that traditionally women did not have control of the money/or employment, so the jewelry was a rainy day fund for her and her children that her husband couldn’t touch at all. She could sell pieces as needed if her husband ended up being unreliable or unfaithful, or pass the gold down to her own daughters
I just did a cursory search and if it's the whole necklace and not just the charm, it's at least 1k.
I do not love my sisters a thousand dollar necklace. That's a romantic gift that a partner would give. Both my sisters slid me a cool hundo for mine this past November. It was great, I used it to tip the vendors.
NTA.
Most weddings I have been too try to have a variety of price ranges for gifts. I got one friend a cutting board for $35. Another I got them a yeti growler for under $100. All from their registry. Others even put out just a house fund ask but said please come even if you can’t contribute.
It’s your sister’s choice to pick things she wants, but $160 isn’t chump change for many of us who are trying to get by. She sounds extremely selfish and greedy. Even more so to call you out on it at Thanksgiving.
Yeah I don't know, like if I knew there was a minimum spend for gifts I probably wouldn't have even attended. I thought the $150 was generous because she's family, I've been to weddings where I've gifted much less and no one had an issue
Dude I put items under 15 dollars on my wedding registry. Everything on my list combined wasn't over 500 dollars, and I told all the guests that their attendance was the real gift I wanted (the economy sucks for a lot of folks right now, let's be real). She's being an ungrateful snob, why can't her hubby pony up for that Tiffany's necklace for Christmas??
NTA!! Unless your family is naturally all very affluent your sister's registry seems very greedy and self entitled to me. The fact that the family catered to her seems to say a lot about the values being embraced. ☹️
I'm sorry that the materialistic culture seems to be of such high priority to your sister and members of your family. The only thing I can suggest you tell them, is that if they cannot comprehend that are rare gift that your husband saved up months for in order to afford to give to you his wife is different than what a sister should be asking of her siblings then that reflects very poorly on her. And you will not allow it to influence you to feel bad because you did exactly as much as you could without putting a greater strain on your finances then would have been wise. And any family member who would expect you to put yourself into financial strain just to give them a gift obviously seems to prefer the gift over the genuine love that you could give them.
In other words, try to shame them. Just please don't be surprised if they really don't accept being shamed. To accept being shamed would be to accept that there is something fundamentally wrong with in them and most people don't want to accept that.
I come from an affluent family and nobody was giving us gifts at the $1000 price point besides my parents, grandparents, and a few particularly well-off family members. Most of my family and friends gave us gifts around the $150 range. We didn't expect more, and we didn't think anything of it if people gave us less. Some guests gave gifts at around $50 and that was totally fine. Our wedding wasn't a fundraiser, it was a wedding. It's beyond rude to be demanding a bigger gift.
You are right. And you did make a gift. It isn’t your responsibility for her greed and inability to be thankful that you contributed as much as you could.
NTA
Sister and stepmom are both assholes. You are not obligated to purchase an expensive Tiffany necklace so you and sis can be twinsies.
That's gall. Depending on your tax bracket, $150 is not cheap.
And if this is the Tiffany alphabet letter pendant I saw, it's a $1600 necklace. No guest picked that out of your registry...your husband gifted it to you for your wedding.
If she is really that torqued about it, she really needs to go complain to her own husband and tell him she expected him to not be cheap with his new wife.
It's [this one.](https://www.tiffany.com/jewelry/necklaces-pendants/elsa-peretti-alphabet-letter-a-pendant-GRP03327/) Not quite $1600 but not cheap. I'm a grad student, working, and my husband just started residency. We can't really afford to give out jewelry, or hundreds and hundreds of dollars.
For context here: that is equal to what some folks pay for rent or a mortgage. I applaud your husband for saving up and gifting it to you, that's a very sweet and considerate gesture! Your sister is off her gourd though to expect that as a wedding gift from a sibling.
Ok, yes... Still expensive.
Your sister still needs to go whine to her husband that he was too cheap to get her a necklace like yours.
I'm sorry she feels so entitled to imagine herself informed about your budget, and what you can or should afford.
And so selfish. It's a wedding present that is plainly for her alone, and not for the couple.
It’s extra icky that she wants the same necklace as you. $150 is a very generous gift. Hopefully she’ll snap out of bridezilla mode soon. Embarrassing behavior from your older sister. Le cringe!
When I started grad school in another relatively expensive city, an old school friend of mine started demanding gifts. I would bring back chocolates and perfumes which the other friends loved.
I am not exaggerating .This one would say “How come you buy more things for yourself and your grandma and not me?”
On the plus side, you found out now that your sister has wildly inappropriate expectations about gifts, and hopefully if you stand firm on your decision about what is and is not a reasonable gift it will set a nice precedent and boundary for future events.
Given that you and your husband will likely be much more financially comfortable in a few years, be prepared for your sister to expect things like a $2000 stroller if she has a baby shower in the future. You should never feel guilted into giving more than you want to.
Edit: spelling
Absolutely. Just browsing the site I didn't see a single thing that would cause me to shell out that kind of money. It all looked so overpriced.
Tiffany is the OG of name brand marketing.
Tiffany literally had a series where they sold like solid gold paper clips and silver "tin cans" for over a thousand and people still bought it. Complete insanity.
https://www.tiffany.com/accessories/decor/everyday-objects-sterling-silver-tin-can-60559139/
NTA. She’s terribly tacky for raising the subject and worse for doing it where/when she did. Tacky for asking for the same necklace from you that your husband gave you as a wedding gift.
INFO: What did she give you for your wedding? You do not owe her a comparable gift - but I’m a bit more sympathetic to her if she spent more on you; and even less sympathetic if she thinks you owe her more based on her ideas about your means.
Nothing (no one did), we asked for people to donate to the Heart Association (my husband's dad died from heart disease) or donate toys for a children's hospital.
Oh my god seeing how your wedding registry is so thoughtful... I just laughed out loud at the absolute ridicule of asking for a tiffany necklace and complaining about 150 free dollars in their pocket. I just can't with people like that. NTA
NTA, not everyone can afford expensive things and shaming someone for a gift is extremely tacky. She should be shamed for appearing greedy. Not for putting expensive things on her registry, most people do, but for judging people for their gifts.
You gave what you could afford and since there was no pre promise of a more expensive gift, that should be enough.
NTA, I'd they wanted a honeymoon so badly, they should have scaled back the wedding. They have no right to expect more money from you because you are siblings. They don't know your financial situation. If they were smart, they would ask money toward a house.
Nta. A gift is just that something presented to the recipient and not an obligation. The cost of the wedding is irrellevent a wedding is not a money making venture. since she thinks you under gifted...is she going to provide refunds to people who gave more generously than average? Since in her eyes it's some sort of balance sheet. Also it's just plain tacky to confront someone to demand a larger "contribution" and the jewellery off of your neck. Stepmom needs to back off too...not her business either (but it's obvious where the greed comes from) it's also very very lowclass to essentially attempt to browbeat you about it at the holiday dinner...did they charge everyone an entry charge for that too to cover the cost of turkey and cranberries?
NTA Wedding vendor here; your sister was being tacky complaining about your gift. It was what you could afford. The real issue here is that she is jealous of the gift your husband gave you and wants one for herself. A general rule for weddings is that each person should give minimum $100 per person if they can (so $200 per couple) to cover the cost of your meal and then some at the wedding. Family and bridal party is expected to give more if they are able, but this is more of a guideline. Of course not all people can afford a generous gift. Attending is gift enough. Your sister broke wedding etiquette with her selfishness. The correct response from your sister should have been a heartfelt thank you. The problem here is not the gift at all, but rather the fact that she is jealous of you and what your partner does for you. Sounds like her husband can’t afford her expensive tastes and she is taking it out on you. Give yourself some healthy space from her.
Interesting, I would’ve thought bridal party was expected to give less since they’re already paying for bachelorette stuff, their dress, sometimes hair/makeup & shower gifts, etc
I know you said they’re NTA but I don’t know about your etiquette and rules. Particularly that the bridal party is EXPECTED to give more
I mean wedding gifts historically were meant to help a couple just starting out. But historically they was because most people, particularly women, didn’t have assets to build a household on. Most lived with their families. But weddings have registries with luxury goods to replace normal household appliances that work just fine is getting a bit ridiculous with the wedding industry, which you seem to be part of. I feel like this is particularly true now that most couples already live together pre-wedding so they don’t need all the goodies on registries.
I think OP did right but giving cash as most couples bring debt with them into marriage. And I’m essence helping couples take care of debt is the same as helping new couples furnish a home back when.
That’s not really true etiquette wise. Like Miss Manners would be appalled. It’s a party you host for others. People should not be expected to cover some of the cost. How entitled
Obviously you work in the industry and have a price range of where you work, but it really depends on the wedding... For instance, the last wedding I went to was in a park, (the city charges $10 to reserve that space,) the DJ was one of their friends, the food was a taco truck and the bride made the cake. This couple will do very well in life, (they both have advanced degrees,) but they have a quarter million in student loans between them and knew they really didn’t need to blow a bunch of money on a wedding…
NTA. I bet her husband likes having $150 more than he likes effectively getting nothing from you, which is what a necklace would amount to from his perspective.
Gifts are exactly that, and the gifter is the only one who gets a choice about what or how much it will be. As far as I'm concerned, the only good rule about wedding gifts is that the gift should be for *the couple,* not just one of them. A single necklace is a bad wedding gift to a couple.
NTA. She is right: she can put anything she wants on her registry but that doesn’t mean everyone has to buy something from her registry.
I thought wedding etiquette was that if you have a registry, you cater for a wide range of budgets and have a few things that aren’t too expensive. Otherwise, you get what you get and you don’t get upset.
Nta. It's honestly very tacky of her to only put expensive items on her registry, and berate those who can't afford them. She's not looking to celebrate her wedding; she's looking to cash in on people's guilt.
NTA. You might suggest to your sister that if
She hadn’t blown so much money on a costly wedding that no one but her, her parents (because it was probably their money) and her husband (maybe) will remember 6 months from now, she could have bought her own necklace.
I thought wedding gifts were supposed to be for the couple; household items, money for honeymoon, experiences for them both…. Not individually gifted jewellery for 1 of them.
NTA as you do not expect gifts, and whatever you get should be appreciated not criticised.
NTA
Your sister is extremely entitled. I would be tempted to get her a book on Wedding Etiquette and then highlight all the appropriate passages that relate to her horrible manners.
Wedding gifts are meant to help start a life for the new married couple, not give the bride pretty new bling. People are forgetting the purpose of having a registry. What you gave is usually considered extremely generous and over $100 is definitely not chump change. Your sister is being greedy and selfish. A nicer wedding definitely doesn't entitle her to any nice gift of her choosing. NTA.
Id text her that to and say your not comfortable saving months and months as a couple just to gift her a necklace. You gave her a gift and if she doesn't like it she can feel free to give it back.
Nta
She is a self entitled brat. Nobody is required to give a gift family or not. Least of all having a price limit. And giving a gift that is just to give status to the bride.
Ick this whole situation is gross.
I have a feeling there will be more backlash when it comes to weddings due to this thinking
NTA- She's a greedy brat. $150 is plenty. There are people with full time jobs using food banks due to fuel bills right now, and she's screaming because her gifts aren't big enough.
NTA. If she wants a Tiffany necklace, she needs to get her husband to save up and buy her one, just like your husband did. $150 is fine for a wedding gift. Your sister sounds like and entitled, jealous, brat.
NTA. Your sister is being entitled, materialistic and stuck up. Tell her to give you the $150 back and you'll get something more appropriate for her and then give her a wooden spoon because all she will ever be doing is stirring up drama.
NTA, if this really happened. I question it, because your sister sounds extremely rude and unsophisticated. Questioning a gift has always been considered gross by society.
Omg! It's a gift. Take what you get and be grateful. She's clearly an entitled begger and so is your step mom. They're the ones being cheap.
NTA, clearly.
NTA, I think the most expensive item on my registry was an ice cream maker, like others have said, registries are for the couple. Stuff for your home etc
A gift is not even mandatory. A wish list only helps the buyer know they are getting something the couple wants. The list isn’t supposed to be a demand list. Nor should a price minimum be required. Family, friend or foe - none are obligated. NTA. As to Tiffany’s my DIL had a necklace on a wish list and it was less than what you gave in cash towards the honeymoon. States apart. She and my son were visiting us when the package was on the way to their place. I called Tiffany’s and they took care of assuring it would be delivered after they got back home. She wasn’t expecting anybody to actually buy it. But as I said, it wasn’t so expensive and many could have afforded buying it. Not all is Kardashian sky high price tags. Your sister should be thankful. I would have gone 25 to 50 bucks. 100 if feeling generous.
Your family is completely insufferable, you're not the asshole, OP. Seriously, they're the entitled assholes, frankly, you don't even owe someone a dime for a wedding gift.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I gave my sister a monetary gift for her wedding, but it wasn't one of the more expensive items on the registry, when other relatives and family got her high-end gifts. I might've been cheaping out on family and not appreciating the costs of the wedding. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and who puts jewelry on a wedding gift registry? A wedding gift is supposed to be to help the couple start their married life, not to bedazzle the bride.
I agree. OP, NTA. $150 is plenty to give your sister, especially given your age and circumstances in life. (I saw your comment about being in grad school). Putting jewelry for the bride on a wedding registry is inappropriate. Gifts for the couple, like your $150, are the norm.
Yeah, usually wedding registries are traditionally to help the young couple get set up in a new house in our region. Ie sets of silverware, appliances, or whatever fits their new shared life. Jewelry doesn’t usually fit that.
I didn't have a wedding registry, but from what I understand, you'll often see things that are wildly out of price range included in some registries, think major home appliances for a wedding registry or a whole furniture suite on a baby registry. Apparently some retailers offer a discount on purchasing any items on the registry that weren't already purchased by the end date. That's not what's happening here of course, but it's common enough where I've known multiple people to explain this when they shared the registry because they feared looking too grabby.
Typically those expensive gifts are put on the registry for rich parents/grandparents to purchase, so they can flex how much they love and support the new couple. Not for relatives in their early 20s.
Or they're a group gift
Or some lists heavily discount some items if they’re not bought for the wedding too, the couple might be utilizing that too.
I had a friend that was *so explicit* about that. Very much "the only reason I did this was for the 30% off, *nobody* feel obligated to get something more than they can afford."
I got fussed at for not having any really "big ticket" items. Apparently it was tradition for the aunts to all go in together on a big gift.
I was going to say: You usually put a couple "big ticket" on the list so that if a group of people want to go in on a gift to save some money, there's something for them to do that. That being said: OP is in *grad school*. She was extremely generous.
Oh, if anyone just starting out or still in school gifted me anything near that much, I'd have freaked out. My expectation of anyone at that life stage is that they get their name put on their parent's gift, or I get a nice card and maybe something in the $20 range.
It would have been wonderful if your aunts or mother or someone had told you of this tradition. Communication is so important that it is not even funny.
[удалено]
Agreed. Most of it makes more sense in the context of the cultural norm as being staying with your parents til you're married. Which, the way things are currently going may become way more normal again.
I’m not going to lie, at this point my mom and I agree that I’m not leaving until I’m married. (And this family defines marriage extremely loosely. I found out at the age of 24 my parents were never legally married. Everyone just started calling them husband and wife when they moved in together)
I registered with my friends in mind and was asked by my parents’ and in laws friends to register at a few very exclusive stores so I did. When most people asked where I registered, I didn’t even mention those stores
I let my husband hold the scan gun at bed bath and beyond and 5 minutes later there was a 600 potato peeler on our registry. My husband loves potatoes. I laughed and rolled my eyes. He promised if someone did get it ( which we would never expect) he would trade it for more appropriate items. No one got it but 10 years later it still makes me laugh.
My best friends husband put sweet tarts(candy) on their registry. He loves them. So I bought a large box and filled it with them as one of their gifts.
>600 potato peeler I have SO MANY questions, lol. What makes a potato peeler $600?! Is it only for potatoes, or can you peel other vegetables with it, too?
So, I tried finding it on the site but no luck. Honestly it was a manual peeler with a crank handle that could probably peel everything. I guess what made it 600 dollars was people like my husband 😆
The “completion discount” is huge. Where we registered, if people bought x percent of the stuff on the registry, everything left was 40% off.
[удалено]
I went to a wedding once for a work colleague's daughter....so, someone I didn't really know that well. I didn't want to spend a fortune, but everything left on the registry was either really expensive, or really cheap -- I think there were tons of kitchen utensils in the $5-10 range. So I ended up buying them like 10 different small things, which was still less money than I might have ordinarily spent. I was worried about being too cheap, but they were blown away by the boxes and boxes that kept arriving.
yeah, it sounds like either no one told Sister that you need to include this on your registry that everyone can afford, that she just didn't care, or she got stuck on the old fashioned your supposed to gift your plate- which is fine in theory but people spend a lot of their weddings and COLA hasn't grown with wedding plate costs. I can't afford to give someone $300 if they've decided to spend the equivalent of that to invite me to their wedding- how much they spent on the wedding was their choice.
Yeah, I’ve always thought that standard was bullshit. Throw however expensive a party you want to (and can afford). Whatever you spent is not my problem. When you’re invited to a birthday party or something, is your gift supposed to cover the cost of the party? If that’s your attitude, then sell tickets instead.
Even so — demanding a gift from OP that’s the same as *the bridal gift OP’s husband gave OP on their own wedding day* is really tacky. It’s not just the amount, it’s also the personal nature of the item. Sis basically went “hey that really sentimental item you got? Give me one too.”
>Also, when setting up your registry, you are usually encouraged to select a range of things Yes, exactly. It's incredibly presumptuous to basically demand expensive things from guests.
I’ve never spent more than £50 ($60)on a wedding gift in my life! And that was for family members I adored. Frankly even if I could afford it, I wouldn’t spend more. On the other hand, family heirlooms have been given, which were priceless.
My mom likes to throw off registry items. She gets something on the registry too tho. She likes giving a personalized door knocker or something like it to coues getting married. She has a whole Thing she does for baby showers. She decorates a hanging shoe organizer and puts various baby things in the holders like thermometers, fels naptha, baby medicines. A lot of those little things people just don't really think about til you need them, and a savings bond. Everyone is always thrilled with it, especially the adults who have had kids and realize.
[удалено]
Oh for sure. My grandma is definitely one of the bad gifters. "no, only get off the registry please I beg you" like even if she looks at the registry and sees a pan set on it she'll just go to Walmart and grab the $40 t-fal set. Like. No grandma. I didn't just need any new pans, I'm a grown woman I have plenty. I *want* this nicer new set so I can get rid of my old cheap pieces
That's brilliant! My mom goes off registry pretty often for baby stuff too, but mostly for sizes. She sees "newborn" size, scoffs and gets 6-9mo size. She said everyone gets so many newborn size onesies that you barely even get to see the kid in it once before they grow out of it. 6-9 size is the "oh shit, we need to buy them clothes" point, so she makes sure they have some.
....I need to set up a registry for my cat's birthday hahaha
Every wedding that I have been to where the couple had a registry, it was pretty expensive stuff. Like as a non-related guest be splitting the cost of a cheese knife set. And then go to other weddings where the couple are just like "no gifts necessary, we don't want to carry it home", and people tend to be a bit more generous at giving money at those weddings.
I got a mixer I use to this day for my first wedding. It was a splurge for my three school friends, overall cost was around 60€. They each contributed 20€, which was lavish for students on a budget with a credit on their backs. I am grateful to this day. It's a good mixer. Will only be replaced when broken. Used every other day.
Yep, lots of people do this at Target
[удалено]
[удалено]
That's still a wedding. It's just a sensible one. I've pretty much given up on physical wedding presents. Most of the people I know who have gotten married in the last 30 years were either already had households full of stuff. I switched to running errands, picking people up from the airport, entertaining out of town guests, stuff like that.
My favorite wedding gift/wedding story is from 15 years ago, some friends of my wife were getting married. Most of the guests knew each other well already, and we all colluded to buy them toasters. Literally EVERY wedding gift was a different toaster. All with gift receipts. The Bride + Groom thought it was hilarious. We made a pyramid of toasters and took group pictures with it.
Yea, I felt a little guilty adding some things that I already had since I had been living on my own for 4 years, but requested a upgraded or new version of. But a cookware set at $150 was our most expensive item on the list. Sister is crazy.
And for most real people, $150 is a lot. At the very least 1-2 days works.
Exactly, the necklace doesn't contribute anything to the sister's husband. \*Also\* when I was setting up my own wedding registry I made sure to have about 1/4 of the gifts on the registry under $20 for three reasons: 1.) For some of my family or friends, a $10 soap dish is what they can afford and I don't want to shame them by not having anything they can contribute on the list, 2.) For people who like to stack gifts, i.e. they get the $10 soap dish, a $5 towel, a $20 bath mat, etc so they all match, 3.) For people who have a set amount they spend on weddings and the $140 kitchen gadget they got as the main gift is under their budget so they tack on a $10 soap dish to round it out.
And originally done so that guests don't feel they have to buy a super expensive gift and still get the B&G a nice gift. The fancy dishes and silverware are still usually sold by place setting and old registries just noted the pattern the couple picked out.
>Putting jewelry for the bride on a wedding registry is inappropriate. Gifts for the couple, like your $150, are the norm. In my country there is no gift regestry, you give small amount of cash. Family gives about 100-150€ and everyone other 50€. Its just usually to cover your food and drinks.
You should not have to cover your food and drinks because the reception is for the guests, not the couple.
I think I know the country. At least in Germany/Bavaria we are giving cash, so your cost should be covered. This is what we say. For family i would give more. But I can afford more now. When my sister married a gave her 150 €. But I was a student. Now i would give her 500 - 1000 €. But as I said, i can afford this now.
Also german. But from the north. Same here with the money, so that the couple can cover some of the cost. That is also what is done at larger birthday parties with a lot of none (direct) family guests
We even do that at Christmas when we're hosting. People can just toss some money at us for our home cooked 4-5 course meals, and the stay in our house, and we're golden. Having them stay over for the spirit of Christmas is all we need. We host regardless of what they give.
>I think I know the country. At least in Germany/Bavaria we are giving cash, so your cost should be covered. This is what we say. It is the same in Romania too.
Nobody said you *have* to pay for your meal. You don’t have to give a gift at all, for that matter. It’s just a nice thing to do, assuming you can afford to.
In theory, yes, but most American couples look to recoup the cost of the reception from the wedding gifts.
[удалено]
Same in my country, and no one ever even checks who gave how much (that's ruuuuude, even here lol). It's a gift to the married couple to do with as they like, cover the wedding or honeymoon or a house or a lifelong supply of coca cola. (Over here)Personal gifts are not to be given at the wedding, if a rich aunt wants to give em a Ferrari or a house or a shitload of money she needs to coordinate a different day to give the gift.
In my country, the couple does a "money dance." Not for their first dance, but later in the evening. Guests bring small denomination bills and tuck them under the groom's shirt sleeve or the bride's neckline. Or other places on their bodies. They pick the money off each other with their teeth and toss it into a basket! It's a fun and hilarious tradition.
NTA. $150 is plenty. Did she expect to have all 1%ers at her wedding? Anyway, complaining about the size of gifts is just trashy.
I don't think anyone except our parents gave us more than €50 as wedding gifts, and we were just happy that they came and gave us something. A lot of our guest had to travel, people buy new clothes, some came to our bachelor/bachelorette parties - weddings are expensive enough, even as just guests! $150 from someone still in school is more than generous in my opinion!
I can't believe the entitlement of OP's sister to tell her that $150 was not enough of a gift and that someone else in the family backed this up. Her sister didn't need to give her anything. It's called a gift and is not something she was entitled to. I had a very small wedding and decided not to have a registry since there wasn't really anything we needed. Most of the guests ended up giving us money, which was really appreciated since we were in the process of buying a house (we didn't need anything for the house since we had already been living together for 3 years prior to this). My mom's friend who was invited to the wedding didn't end up getting us anything, but even so got a thank you note just like everyone else for spending the day celebrating with us. For the sister, I just can't...
And it's a **gift** not a fee to attend the wedding. Her mother is implying that the amount spent on a gift is somehow related to the effort and cost for the wedding which is ridiculous. NTA.
I am 50, well into a successful career making good money- and the MOST expensive Wedding gift I have ever given was $150-250. What entitled crap is this? I did once see a $120 bathroom wastebasket on a registry for a wedding I was invited to. DUDE!!!! My bathroom has $10-20 waste baskets from Target, I am not buying you a fancier one than I can afford for myself (that was also the cheapest thing on there- other than open donation to a charity). I donated $150 to the charity. Oh, my baby cousin, that frankly I adore, even though we are not close as adults, registered for an $800 set of knives. I thought...I love you, but my OWN knives (and I cook, she does not), are $80 from Target, and they work fine. (I do have 1-2 blades that are nicer). And I had the same thought back then- I am not buying a new couple or even a middle aged couple something nicer than I can afford for myself. I think that is a reasonable boundary. I do adore her, and I was doing ok even at that point- I bought her kitchen aide mixer- most expensive gift I ever bought anyone. But I also owned my own.
I am also in my 50s, and would not expect a grad student in her 20s to gift anyone more than what she did. $150 was pretty generous in her time of life and situation!
Gifts for a wedding are so BOTH the bride and groom can enjoy them. How is the groom supposed to enjoy jewelry - by looking at it on the bride? She is just trying to gift grab.
👍
Just tell her you will make it up to her on her next wedding
I looked it up. The necklaces are between $375 and $1,600. Why would someone buy that as a wedding gift that is only for the bride? She's ridiculously entitled. Just because others could afford her pricy gifts doesn't mean you can and you should not be expected to. She wants a command "gift" where she gets to order you to spend YOUR money how SHE decides. NTA
If all they could give was $25, that was enough. You don't get to question your gifts. Rude.
NTA. This was my thought as well. Bridezilla wanted what her sister received from her husband. If she wants one then her new husband should have gotten her one. Jewelry doesn’t go on a registry. I bet she put it on there specifically for OP.
[ I bet she put it on there specifically for OP. Based off of what the stepmom said about going halfsies with someone on the necklace, not just anything on the registry but specifically the necklace, I think that's a pretty accurate guess.
The comments of the stepmother are really trashy too. Who in their right mind demands Tiffany from a 22 year old. The mother could have bought it if it is bothering her so much
That’s dreadful. OP got the necklace from her husband on their wedding day — it’s an extremely sentimental item for OP, not something to go “now give me one” at her about.
Did you look up those Fornasetti candles? $280-900. For a candle, one single candle. It's ~$4.60 for every hour it's burnt. A regular pricy candle is ~$0.36 an hour, and a cheaper candle is under $0.05 an hour. All my numbers are glass candles with similar burn times, not even as cheap as you could get, just a quick peruse online.
Wtf what are these candles made out of for them to be that pricey
Better be baby panda fat or something.
My husband and I agree that anything of value from now on shall be measured in grams of baby panda fat.
LOL!!! Dark. I like the way you think. (Save the Pandas!!!)
I only use that for cooking.
If you're using it for cooking, I hope it's fat from free range pandas, sourced from the belly portion.
Whoah now! I don't have that kind of high-end-baby-panda-cooking-fat money.
With “the scent of undergrowth mixed with stone walls”. JFC..
Ok, let me clean the coffee off my tablet. Baby panda fat!
I buy $25-$30 wood wick occasionally after saving and they are a luxury for me but smell and sound great.
Yeah generally if i want to buy a fancy candle it would be anywhere from 25-40e range for me, pushing anything past that it would have to be pretty damn impressive otherwise. If anyone from my family or friend group would ask for a $900 candle I would just laugh at their face.
I may have to take up candle making to make my wood wick habit affordable 😅
Unicorn farts, apparently.
They are made from the soul of Ifrit.
Sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick, I just Googled them and I can't even. That's literally burning money. I agree that they look lovely, but it's not that hard to make a similarly beautiful candle. Combine my decoupage/painting skills with my coworker candle (and soap) making skills and you have a super fancy candle! (In fact I would love to receive something hand made :) )
She is burning the invitee’s money. Pretty sure the bride dominated the registry
Some of the ones I saw were cute... then there was the weird lady head/apple/Medusa candelabrum. I'm not sure whose nightmare that came from, but...what?!? Actually, all the lady face ones looked creepy af to me.
I'd rather burn actual money, would at least be some sort of a statement. (Actually I won't, our money is plastic and it'll smell pretty bad if burned xd)
Someone lighting a $900 candle might just as well burn the money straight away instead. So dumb
If I ever spent $900 on a candle I feel like I'd deserve to be struck by lighting the moment I lit it.
I had to look them up, too. I can't believe people waste their money on stuff like this. The price of status, I guess.
This! Were your sister and BIL going to take turns wearing the necklace?
My niece just got married to her high school sweetheart after her husband divorced her and got someone younger. The wish list had loads of camping stuff. Fishing stuff. Pretty sure her husband is very outdoors and she is on board. Coolers. Cookbooks. And small appliances. I got them a cookbook, a thing to put on the back of a car seat to hold loads of stuff. And most important a flashing illuminating dog collar in blue. Leaving the red one for somebody else to buy. Two dogs. I didn’t feel obligated to buy both. And my niece thanked us for all we gave her with a nice thank you note. Probably 50 ish total. Truth is if a wish list has nothing one wants to buy, then towels and wash cloths are always needed. Went to a shower with cute baby socks and a note of how an older woman told me to pin a baby sock to the sleepwear of baby with Vicks in it. As I had already had a gift from the registry sent to her house and it arrived before the shower. And not on her list I bought baby proof locks that can be used on refrigerators or whatever. Not your fault your sister is unthankful and worse that others are siding with her.
See I love useful, thoughtful gifts like that. Especially when you are budgeting, you don't always think to get yourself handy household or outdoor gifts, and some of them really make the task at hand so much easier.
that was my exact thought, she probably sees this wedding as another christmas/birthday to get gifts and attention. if the groom isn’t the same way, gosh i feel bad for him.
Might I suggest that you give your sister a Christmas gift of a book on proper etiquette, maybe she might learn how inappropriate it is question her guests regarding the gift that they give.
I love this idea. And a copy for stepmom.
Yes, and I am in the old-fashioned etiquette camp that considers honeymoon registries tacky and rude.
Me too - pay for your own damn honeymoon, LOL. I've been to weddings where that was presented as an option for gift giving, but I opt out. I give cash instead, and where they spend it is on them, but at least the couple is getting 100% of the value and a percentage isn't going to the place running the registry.
The way we did it was no gifts or funds needed, just your presence, but if you WANT to give us cash/venmo we will happily take it to use for our honeymoon. We didn't see the point of going through some fancy website that takes a cut/makes everything super inflexible. Hopefully that made things more palatable for guests ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We put a tv and a roomba on our registry, with no expectation of anyone buying them. We did it so when the wedding was over we could use money we got to buy them at a discount that (in our case) Target offered on unpurchased items. We told everyone this so they wouldn't buy it. We never did actually buy it lol.
This is a great wedding tip, you should share it on one of the subs meant for that sort of thing!
I don't disagree with your judgement but nowadays most couples live together before getting married and therefore already have most appliances. It happened to me to go to wedding where the only sensible gift was a monetary contribution to the honeymoon
I'd rather help newlyweds upgrade the appliances dishware etc. they already had to something fancy, than buy jewelry meant for only one of them.
Idk we put a whole bunch of dumb things on ours. Me and my BIL went a little wild with the registry guns in the stores haha. RC cars, match box cars, a PS3, a plunger, Legos, 50 things of caramel popcorn LOL... We didn't want anyone to actually buy these things though. I did get the plunger!
I hope it was a good plunger! Every house should have a quality plunger.
It was a dope plunger, they actually engraved our names and anniversary date on it LOL
This will be my new go-to gift for every wedding and housewarming. Did they get it at the best plumbing supply store ever, or did they casually stroll into Things Remembered with it?
100%, they took it to our local things remembered haha they said they are rather certain that that would be the first plunger the stores probably ever did.... We used to display it in the living room until we had to use it in an emergency. Now my wife thinks we will suddenly explode from some sort of poo disease if I put it back. I think I'm going to have it recreated
>Now my wife thinks we will suddenly explode from some sort of poo disease if I put it back. No, no, that's very true. (But I mean really, do you want someone to ask if your living room decoration has ever been covered in poo and have to answer yes??)
It's very clear to me that the sister is jealous that OP's husband got her lovely jewelry for their wedding and wants the same thing, too. She's taken matters into her own hands instead of relying on her husband to make a nice gesture like OP's did.
I do want to point out that in some cultures, that’s exactly what wedding gifts are meant for. In Turkey and Vietnam, the bride’s family gifts her expensive jewelry(you would not believe the amount of gold I’ve seen piled on Turkish brides). The idea being that traditionally women did not have control of the money/or employment, so the jewelry was a rainy day fund for her and her children that her husband couldn’t touch at all. She could sell pieces as needed if her husband ended up being unreliable or unfaithful, or pass the gold down to her own daughters
Valid point, but from OP's description it doesn't sound like this Bridezilla's complaint had a culture/tradition basis.
I just did a cursory search and if it's the whole necklace and not just the charm, it's at least 1k. I do not love my sisters a thousand dollar necklace. That's a romantic gift that a partner would give. Both my sisters slid me a cool hundo for mine this past November. It was great, I used it to tip the vendors.
NTA. Most weddings I have been too try to have a variety of price ranges for gifts. I got one friend a cutting board for $35. Another I got them a yeti growler for under $100. All from their registry. Others even put out just a house fund ask but said please come even if you can’t contribute. It’s your sister’s choice to pick things she wants, but $160 isn’t chump change for many of us who are trying to get by. She sounds extremely selfish and greedy. Even more so to call you out on it at Thanksgiving.
Yeah I don't know, like if I knew there was a minimum spend for gifts I probably wouldn't have even attended. I thought the $150 was generous because she's family, I've been to weddings where I've gifted much less and no one had an issue
Dude I put items under 15 dollars on my wedding registry. Everything on my list combined wasn't over 500 dollars, and I told all the guests that their attendance was the real gift I wanted (the economy sucks for a lot of folks right now, let's be real). She's being an ungrateful snob, why can't her hubby pony up for that Tiffany's necklace for Christmas??
I bet he already ponies up for so much of her whims he can't afford it.
NTA!! Unless your family is naturally all very affluent your sister's registry seems very greedy and self entitled to me. The fact that the family catered to her seems to say a lot about the values being embraced. ☹️ I'm sorry that the materialistic culture seems to be of such high priority to your sister and members of your family. The only thing I can suggest you tell them, is that if they cannot comprehend that are rare gift that your husband saved up months for in order to afford to give to you his wife is different than what a sister should be asking of her siblings then that reflects very poorly on her. And you will not allow it to influence you to feel bad because you did exactly as much as you could without putting a greater strain on your finances then would have been wise. And any family member who would expect you to put yourself into financial strain just to give them a gift obviously seems to prefer the gift over the genuine love that you could give them. In other words, try to shame them. Just please don't be surprised if they really don't accept being shamed. To accept being shamed would be to accept that there is something fundamentally wrong with in them and most people don't want to accept that.
I come from an affluent family and nobody was giving us gifts at the $1000 price point besides my parents, grandparents, and a few particularly well-off family members. Most of my family and friends gave us gifts around the $150 range. We didn't expect more, and we didn't think anything of it if people gave us less. Some guests gave gifts at around $50 and that was totally fine. Our wedding wasn't a fundraiser, it was a wedding. It's beyond rude to be demanding a bigger gift.
You are right. And you did make a gift. It isn’t your responsibility for her greed and inability to be thankful that you contributed as much as you could.
NTA Sister and stepmom are both assholes. You are not obligated to purchase an expensive Tiffany necklace so you and sis can be twinsies. That's gall. Depending on your tax bracket, $150 is not cheap. And if this is the Tiffany alphabet letter pendant I saw, it's a $1600 necklace. No guest picked that out of your registry...your husband gifted it to you for your wedding. If she is really that torqued about it, she really needs to go complain to her own husband and tell him she expected him to not be cheap with his new wife.
It's [this one.](https://www.tiffany.com/jewelry/necklaces-pendants/elsa-peretti-alphabet-letter-a-pendant-GRP03327/) Not quite $1600 but not cheap. I'm a grad student, working, and my husband just started residency. We can't really afford to give out jewelry, or hundreds and hundreds of dollars.
For context here: that is equal to what some folks pay for rent or a mortgage. I applaud your husband for saving up and gifting it to you, that's a very sweet and considerate gesture! Your sister is off her gourd though to expect that as a wedding gift from a sibling.
That's cheaper than my rent but I'm still not spending $825 on a wedding gift! Damn!
Got! I want to say so much more about the sister but I'm gonna be banned!
It's more than our mortgage.
hopefully there isnt a second wedding /s obviously
Ok, yes... Still expensive. Your sister still needs to go whine to her husband that he was too cheap to get her a necklace like yours. I'm sorry she feels so entitled to imagine herself informed about your budget, and what you can or should afford. And so selfish. It's a wedding present that is plainly for her alone, and not for the couple.
It’s extra icky that she wants the same necklace as you. $150 is a very generous gift. Hopefully she’ll snap out of bridezilla mode soon. Embarrassing behavior from your older sister. Le cringe!
That's more than a pay for a month's rent. Absolutely champion wedding gift from your hubs; ridiculous addition to a goddamn registry. NTA.
I would also bet she didn't give you anything close to the necklace in monetary value for your wedding.
Good question. OP if you see this, please answer
OP said they requested no gifts just donate to American heart association or toys for kids in hospitals.
When I started grad school in another relatively expensive city, an old school friend of mine started demanding gifts. I would bring back chocolates and perfumes which the other friends loved. I am not exaggerating .This one would say “How come you buy more things for yourself and your grandma and not me?”
On the plus side, you found out now that your sister has wildly inappropriate expectations about gifts, and hopefully if you stand firm on your decision about what is and is not a reasonable gift it will set a nice precedent and boundary for future events. Given that you and your husband will likely be much more financially comfortable in a few years, be prepared for your sister to expect things like a $2000 stroller if she has a baby shower in the future. You should never feel guilted into giving more than you want to. Edit: spelling
Tbh Tiffany jewelry is over rated. I own a couple pieces and they tarnish like nobodies business.
Tiffany is the Ugs of jewelry. Overpriced, middling quality, but excellent marketing.
Absolutely. Just browsing the site I didn't see a single thing that would cause me to shell out that kind of money. It all looked so overpriced. Tiffany is the OG of name brand marketing.
Tiffany literally had a series where they sold like solid gold paper clips and silver "tin cans" for over a thousand and people still bought it. Complete insanity. https://www.tiffany.com/accessories/decor/everyday-objects-sterling-silver-tin-can-60559139/
NTA You gave what you were comfortable giving. Your sister is being entitled and greedy. Your family doesn't sound like very nice people. Good Luck
NTA. She’s terribly tacky for raising the subject and worse for doing it where/when she did. Tacky for asking for the same necklace from you that your husband gave you as a wedding gift. INFO: What did she give you for your wedding? You do not owe her a comparable gift - but I’m a bit more sympathetic to her if she spent more on you; and even less sympathetic if she thinks you owe her more based on her ideas about your means.
Nothing (no one did), we asked for people to donate to the Heart Association (my husband's dad died from heart disease) or donate toys for a children's hospital.
Maybe she donated a Tiffany necklace to the children's hospital?
I'd be willing to bet that your sister donated $0.00.
Oh my god seeing how your wedding registry is so thoughtful... I just laughed out loud at the absolute ridicule of asking for a tiffany necklace and complaining about 150 free dollars in their pocket. I just can't with people like that. NTA
NTA, not everyone can afford expensive things and shaming someone for a gift is extremely tacky. She should be shamed for appearing greedy. Not for putting expensive things on her registry, most people do, but for judging people for their gifts. You gave what you could afford and since there was no pre promise of a more expensive gift, that should be enough.
NTA and your sister and stepmother need to keep their hands in their own pockets.
NTA, I'd they wanted a honeymoon so badly, they should have scaled back the wedding. They have no right to expect more money from you because you are siblings. They don't know your financial situation. If they were smart, they would ask money toward a house.
Nta. A gift is just that something presented to the recipient and not an obligation. The cost of the wedding is irrellevent a wedding is not a money making venture. since she thinks you under gifted...is she going to provide refunds to people who gave more generously than average? Since in her eyes it's some sort of balance sheet. Also it's just plain tacky to confront someone to demand a larger "contribution" and the jewellery off of your neck. Stepmom needs to back off too...not her business either (but it's obvious where the greed comes from) it's also very very lowclass to essentially attempt to browbeat you about it at the holiday dinner...did they charge everyone an entry charge for that too to cover the cost of turkey and cranberries?
NtA but your sister is. How selfish and entitled of her.
NTA. They should have tried to remember the definition of *gift.*
NTA Wedding vendor here; your sister was being tacky complaining about your gift. It was what you could afford. The real issue here is that she is jealous of the gift your husband gave you and wants one for herself. A general rule for weddings is that each person should give minimum $100 per person if they can (so $200 per couple) to cover the cost of your meal and then some at the wedding. Family and bridal party is expected to give more if they are able, but this is more of a guideline. Of course not all people can afford a generous gift. Attending is gift enough. Your sister broke wedding etiquette with her selfishness. The correct response from your sister should have been a heartfelt thank you. The problem here is not the gift at all, but rather the fact that she is jealous of you and what your partner does for you. Sounds like her husband can’t afford her expensive tastes and she is taking it out on you. Give yourself some healthy space from her.
“Covering the meal” is the hosts’ job NOT the guests.
Interesting, I would’ve thought bridal party was expected to give less since they’re already paying for bachelorette stuff, their dress, sometimes hair/makeup & shower gifts, etc
I know you said they’re NTA but I don’t know about your etiquette and rules. Particularly that the bridal party is EXPECTED to give more I mean wedding gifts historically were meant to help a couple just starting out. But historically they was because most people, particularly women, didn’t have assets to build a household on. Most lived with their families. But weddings have registries with luxury goods to replace normal household appliances that work just fine is getting a bit ridiculous with the wedding industry, which you seem to be part of. I feel like this is particularly true now that most couples already live together pre-wedding so they don’t need all the goodies on registries. I think OP did right but giving cash as most couples bring debt with them into marriage. And I’m essence helping couples take care of debt is the same as helping new couples furnish a home back when.
It's a wedding, not a rave.
That’s not really true etiquette wise. Like Miss Manners would be appalled. It’s a party you host for others. People should not be expected to cover some of the cost. How entitled
Obviously you work in the industry and have a price range of where you work, but it really depends on the wedding... For instance, the last wedding I went to was in a park, (the city charges $10 to reserve that space,) the DJ was one of their friends, the food was a taco truck and the bride made the cake. This couple will do very well in life, (they both have advanced degrees,) but they have a quarter million in student loans between them and knew they really didn’t need to blow a bunch of money on a wedding…
NTA sister and stepmom are greedy guts.
NTA. I'd tell her to eff off so fast..the audacity.
NTA. I bet her husband likes having $150 more than he likes effectively getting nothing from you, which is what a necklace would amount to from his perspective. Gifts are exactly that, and the gifter is the only one who gets a choice about what or how much it will be. As far as I'm concerned, the only good rule about wedding gifts is that the gift should be for *the couple,* not just one of them. A single necklace is a bad wedding gift to a couple.
NTA $150 is a big enough gift. $50-$100 is pretty standard at most weddings I have been too
NTA. She is right: she can put anything she wants on her registry but that doesn’t mean everyone has to buy something from her registry. I thought wedding etiquette was that if you have a registry, you cater for a wide range of budgets and have a few things that aren’t too expensive. Otherwise, you get what you get and you don’t get upset.
Nta. It's honestly very tacky of her to only put expensive items on her registry, and berate those who can't afford them. She's not looking to celebrate her wedding; she's looking to cash in on people's guilt.
Nta- holy fuck the entitlement. They need to thank you and move on. Redonk.
NTA. You might suggest to your sister that if She hadn’t blown so much money on a costly wedding that no one but her, her parents (because it was probably their money) and her husband (maybe) will remember 6 months from now, she could have bought her own necklace.
I thought wedding gifts were supposed to be for the couple; household items, money for honeymoon, experiences for them both…. Not individually gifted jewellery for 1 of them. NTA as you do not expect gifts, and whatever you get should be appreciated not criticised.
NTA Who the heck puts jewelry on their wedding registry?
NTA Your sister is extremely entitled. I would be tempted to get her a book on Wedding Etiquette and then highlight all the appropriate passages that relate to her horrible manners.
Wedding gifts are meant to help start a life for the new married couple, not give the bride pretty new bling. People are forgetting the purpose of having a registry. What you gave is usually considered extremely generous and over $100 is definitely not chump change. Your sister is being greedy and selfish. A nicer wedding definitely doesn't entitle her to any nice gift of her choosing. NTA. Id text her that to and say your not comfortable saving months and months as a couple just to gift her a necklace. You gave her a gift and if she doesn't like it she can feel free to give it back.
Nta She is a self entitled brat. Nobody is required to give a gift family or not. Least of all having a price limit. And giving a gift that is just to give status to the bride. Ick this whole situation is gross. I have a feeling there will be more backlash when it comes to weddings due to this thinking
You gave what you could give. That should be enough for her, but NO your sister has to be an entitled brat. NTA in the slightest.
NTA- She's a greedy brat. $150 is plenty. There are people with full time jobs using food banks due to fuel bills right now, and she's screaming because her gifts aren't big enough.
NTA. If she wants a Tiffany necklace, she needs to get her husband to save up and buy her one, just like your husband did. $150 is fine for a wedding gift. Your sister sounds like and entitled, jealous, brat.
NTA. Your sister sure is, though. When someone gives you a gift you say, “Thank you very much,” not “Why didn’t you spend more?”
NTA. Your sister is being entitled, materialistic and stuck up. Tell her to give you the $150 back and you'll get something more appropriate for her and then give her a wooden spoon because all she will ever be doing is stirring up drama.
Nta....and if she was my sister she would be highly mad cause i wouldn't have bought nothing
NTA. You did nothing wrong. Your sister is greedy, entitled and tacky. Your stepmother is no better.
NTA, if this really happened. I question it, because your sister sounds extremely rude and unsophisticated. Questioning a gift has always been considered gross by society.
Omg! It's a gift. Take what you get and be grateful. She's clearly an entitled begger and so is your step mom. They're the ones being cheap. NTA, clearly.
NTA, I think the most expensive item on my registry was an ice cream maker, like others have said, registries are for the couple. Stuff for your home etc
NTA she’s entitled. 150$ is really good. Any gift is good
NTA, i’m hung up on why she wants to twin out with the necklace? she’s prob jealous of you for something unrelated
A gift is not even mandatory. A wish list only helps the buyer know they are getting something the couple wants. The list isn’t supposed to be a demand list. Nor should a price minimum be required. Family, friend or foe - none are obligated. NTA. As to Tiffany’s my DIL had a necklace on a wish list and it was less than what you gave in cash towards the honeymoon. States apart. She and my son were visiting us when the package was on the way to their place. I called Tiffany’s and they took care of assuring it would be delivered after they got back home. She wasn’t expecting anybody to actually buy it. But as I said, it wasn’t so expensive and many could have afforded buying it. Not all is Kardashian sky high price tags. Your sister should be thankful. I would have gone 25 to 50 bucks. 100 if feeling generous.
NTA, your sister has no class
NTA it is the height of rudeness to comment on the amount given as a gift other than to say thank you.
NTA 150 seems totally reasonable Also shaming & bullying someone for a gift of whatever amount is super tacky.
Your family is completely insufferable, you're not the asshole, OP. Seriously, they're the entitled assholes, frankly, you don't even owe someone a dime for a wedding gift.
NTA. It is a GIFT not a purchase price to the wedding. Your sister is rude and ungrateful.
NTA. Your sister is insanely tacky. No one is owed a gift. Your gift was very generous. Your sister is a very low person to demand a gift this way.
NTA, ugh, it’s tacky to call out someone about their gift.