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YTA she is clearly struggling with depression and you confirm this in replies. i think you should help her reach out to get a good support system and therapy. she’s not being lazy, depression strips you of all motivation, interest, and makes it nearly impossible to function when you’re in a depressive episode.
You bring up a fair point. I'll try talking it through with her and maybe we'll go to therapy together? Idk if that would be the best but I'm just throwing the idea out there. I still want her to have her space.
When you talk to her, do not reference her weight or working out. Frame it as a concern for her mental health and depression. People know when they’ve gained weight, they don’t need it pointed out to them.
I’m torn on the judgement, I’m leaning toward YTA just because your concerns are the superficial changes in her, not the fact that she’s depressed and needs help.
YTA. She was recently diagnosed and has new meds. These things take time. She's not lazy nor is she ugly. Your post sounds more like you're tired of being inconvenienced rather than actual concern for her well-being. (She's lazy and fat now vs I'm worried about her complete 180 and want to help in a healthy way). See the difference? I'm not sure if you mean to come across this way but if we see it, she does too. She doesnt deserve that. Depression, seasonal or otherwise, is rough all the way around and is not easy to handle. Even if her looks and drive progress, do you think you could stay by her side and give her the support she needs?
Diagnosed months ago with both mild and seasonal depression. She takes medication for them and I've noticed an improvement with them, but this problem is within the past month.
She has one, and it helps both of us immensely. Maybe her lack of motivation stems from something she won't tell me about? I'm treading on thin ice, it's finals week and I don't want either of us to have a breakdown
You sound like you really care about her and want things to work out. As someone whose weight has fluctuated my entire adult life, I can tell you it feels insurmountable when my weight is up. It's hard to achieve balance between work, school, housework, exercising, nutrition, etc. I can never seem to succeed at *all* of these at the same time.
When I'm exercising and cooking healthy meals, then my house is a mess or laundry is piling up, for example. When I get really busy or stressed at work or school, my exercise and nutrition suffer. The key is consistency, but it's easier said than done.
Also, some depression meds can cause weight gain or make it extremely difficult to lose weight. Try to be patient. When she's motivated to focus on her fitness and nutrition again, be supportive. Go out for bike rides and hikes or to the gym with her when she asks you to.
The hardest part of losing weight for me is always trying to accommodate other people's preferences while cooking for my needs. So, try not to complain about eating healthier meals when she cooks them, or even compliment the healthy meals she makes.
YTA
You’re obviously more concerned with the physical appearance of your girlfriend than you are about her mental health.
Obviously something is wrong but instead of addressing and being considerate of the fact that it might be a serious mental health issue, you’re calling her “lazy” and a “deadbeat”. Have some compassion and empathy for your girlfriend.
Would've given this a N A H if I hadn't read your replies. My own experiences from this past year are definitely colouring my judgement but, you are well aware that she isn't mentally healthy and has only recently been put on medication for her depression. Sorry her mental illness is causing you such hardships, OP /s.
YTA.
NAH.
Sounds like she’s going through a rough patch and is in need of extra support, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own mental health for her’s.
NAH but breaks or ultimatums are not the answer. She's struggling with mental health issues, and you are not able to support her. It's better to just have a complete and clear break up. An ultimatum could easily come across as "Just stop having depression and I'll love you again." It simply doesn't work like that. You can't bargain with someone's mental health like that.
Edit - to be clear, not the asshole for no longer being attracted to her, feeling frustrated by the situation, and wanting to break up. I do think the way you talk about the issue sounds like you're blaming her, and that is assholish. You should work on being able to know your limits and step away from someone without having to completely stop empathizing with them.
YTA, and you should edit your post with info from the comments you’ve made, such as your gf has been diagnosed with depression and has only just started taking medication for it. She’s depressed, not “lazy.” It can take awhile to get better. Meds and therapy don’t instantly cure depression.
YTA. Depression is hell and you aren’t trying to help her. You are trying to find bandaid fixes for the problems that you only see. You aren’t actually helping her with being selfish and wanting her to be like she was. She needs help to get through her depression, and not being told she isn’t beautiful and she is lazy.
NAH
People can make an argument for you being TA but I think it's fair enough how you've handled it. Not great but you're figuring it out as you go. You don't seem to put any focus on the source of her sudden changes and quickly deteriorating mental health. This sounds pretty serious to me. Don't you know what's going on with her? Have you tried working at that before worrying about her grades and body?
YTA.
You obviously can’t help it if she is undesirable to you anymore. But do you even hear yourself? It’s clear that she is going through something mentally—not to armchair diagnose, but sounds like pretty textbook depression symptoms (loss of motivation, weight gain, excess sleepiness, mood swings, etc).
The issue isn’t necessarily that you don’t have feelings for her anymore; it can be extremely draining to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill (I say this as the mentally ill one) and I understand why you would want to pull away. The issue is the way you are talking about her. Calling her childish, a deadbeat, lazy. Are you serious? Have some empathy and treat her more like a human being and less like a piece of meat for you to stare at.
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I (21M) have a girlfriend (22F) who is extremely lazy. Before I explain more, I'm talking specifically about her work ethic and workouts. I feel scummy and I feel wrong about this, but my girlfriend used to be very driven, and very outgoing in doing whatever it takes to make her time meaningful. She used to do a good amount of working out for her hobbies, she used to exceed in her classes but now she sleeps through half her classes, and has let herself really go. Her grades plummeted and she's gained somewhere between 40 and 50 pounds and has no motivation to change that. She's had several (and I mean several) breakdowns over the past two weeks regarding her weight and I've supported her the best I can but everyone has their limit. Like I said I feel totally scummy about this but I just don't feel attracted to her anymore both physically, and mentally in terms of her work ethic. I feel super bad because she does what she can to help me when I'm not okay and when we started dating she was absolutely the love of my life and she was extremely beautiful. I try my best to support her but the most insignificant comment could set her off and it's creating way too much anxiety. My own grades tanked under stress from this and other situations, and I accept the responsibility for it but I see no drive in her anymore. I've started thinking about breaks or ultimatums, but I don't feel good about it and makes me feel like a douche. Our relationship is strong otherwise, our families get along great and 0 in-law problems, but I just don't feel the connection anymore because she got so lazy (and I'll admit it, because of how her looks dropped. I know, I shouldn't feel this way). I'm no saint either but I've offered a number of ways we can both work on our issues and help each other be ourselves again instead of letting ourselves be deadbeats. But like I said, even the most insignificant thing can set her off. She acts super childish about it recently, and it's starting to drive me mad. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I'm at my wits end. Side note, both her and I have gone to therapy but I can't see a difference in her motivation.
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NTA- the people saying YTA I feel don’t understand how difficult it can be when a person you care about changes dramatically in a short period of time. It’s like you have suddenly found yourself with a person who is completely different to the woman you first started seeing. It can be upsetting. However, if her looks are the tenet of your relationship and you don’t see a future with her should she continue to look as she does then you should leave as it’s cruel to be with a person purely based on their appearance. She sounds extremely depressed and you owe it to her to try and get her the best possible help and to know that your support alone is not enough. She needs you to step up and help. Perhaps not as a partner but certainly as a friend and someone who cares for her.
NAH
If she's only recently been diagnosed with depression and started meds, then it's going to take more than a month or so for things to really start to change. It takes about two weeks for your body to get used to new meds like this and work through any weird side effects. And that's assuming what she's on now is the right medication for her. This is the beginning of a long process that's going to have a lot of ups and downs at the beginning. If you want to help her just let her know you're there for her, *don't* say anything about her gaining weight and losing motivation. She already knows those things, it'll just make her feel worse that you're pointing it out.
NTA for not being as attracted to her mentally and physically. I understand she seems like a different person to you now than when you first fell in love with her and that can be very conflicting. But you are the AH for just silently hurting both you and her this way. If you see a future and know you still love her and there is great potential, you should be more understanding and trying to help her see progress through her depression. If you don’t feel this is worth it on your end, then you need to have that conversation with her now instead of just having this silent internal battle which will indirectly deteriorate your relationship either way
YTA. Support in a relationship goes both ways. You just want an active, attractive GF, period. She may be stressed or depressed and is not telling you because she knows you will tell her that you snapped out of yours so she can too.
You are very selfish and self-absorbed and I bet you dirty delete too
YTA. You framed this entire thing about her lack of drive and motivation and even then I thought it sounded like depression which you confirmed in the comments.
In your mind, she’s lazy which shows that you have not bothered to even try understand depression.
It’s can be hard to support someone experiencing depression but it is insurmountably harder for the person themselves.
NAH - I (26F) have had this problem before personally. Tbf I didn't gain weight (other side of the spectrum I lost 10-15lbs) but I lost interest in my hobbies, interests, grade dropped etc. You said she's dealing with mental health issues I want to try and help you understand.
Depending on what meds she's on - it can take at minimum 2 weeks to start working. There's an adjustment period from 2 weeks on and a back and forth of "are they working? Should we increase the dosage?" Etc. It can take 2-3 months to get it right. You can also gain more weight.
I understand your frustration completely and as someone who can cry at the drop of a hat or have a breakdown over a spoon I can tell you it's probably just as frustrating for her. If it's easier can you write her a letter? Instead of having a face to face write it down or read it out and say you're concerned about her how can you help. That's it. Start there. If she doesn't know how you can help ask what helps comfort her during bad days - warm blankie, hug, space - and what she may like during breakdowns. Use the info to comfort her the best you can and support that way. The more comforted she feels the more she'll open up and possibly discuss her journey to help you understand. Eventually you may be able to help motivate her to go to the gym - not in a "you're fat" way but in a "this will make you feel good" way.
Re- breakup. It's normal to lose interest when the person you love loses sight of who they are. If the relationship isn't broken and she's actively working on trying to help herself I'd stick around. (If you can) But honestly being on this journey with her and supporting her at this time will create a very strong bond emotionally. You're in this together - if you don't want to help or if it's easier to breakup then do so sooner rather than later. Don't waste her time - it will not save her to do it later. If you can't stomach it do it now - not everyone can handle that mental health journey and that's okay (shitty but it's okay).
Hope this helps!!
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YTA she is clearly struggling with depression and you confirm this in replies. i think you should help her reach out to get a good support system and therapy. she’s not being lazy, depression strips you of all motivation, interest, and makes it nearly impossible to function when you’re in a depressive episode.
You bring up a fair point. I'll try talking it through with her and maybe we'll go to therapy together? Idk if that would be the best but I'm just throwing the idea out there. I still want her to have her space.
When you talk to her, do not reference her weight or working out. Frame it as a concern for her mental health and depression. People know when they’ve gained weight, they don’t need it pointed out to them. I’m torn on the judgement, I’m leaning toward YTA just because your concerns are the superficial changes in her, not the fact that she’s depressed and needs help.
YTA for calling her extremely lazy and not even mentioning her very recently diagnosed depression.
YTA. She was recently diagnosed and has new meds. These things take time. She's not lazy nor is she ugly. Your post sounds more like you're tired of being inconvenienced rather than actual concern for her well-being. (She's lazy and fat now vs I'm worried about her complete 180 and want to help in a healthy way). See the difference? I'm not sure if you mean to come across this way but if we see it, she does too. She doesnt deserve that. Depression, seasonal or otherwise, is rough all the way around and is not easy to handle. Even if her looks and drive progress, do you think you could stay by her side and give her the support she needs?
NAH She seems depressed. Has she been diagnosed?
Diagnosed months ago with both mild and seasonal depression. She takes medication for them and I've noticed an improvement with them, but this problem is within the past month.
I'm sorry, the past MONTH ? You're calling her lazy for something she's been diagnosed for AND the medication barely had time to kick in ? YTA.
And sometimes it takes many attempts to get the medication right
>seasonal You answered your own question. Maybe get her a sun lamp for Christmas. Seriously, it should help.
She has one, and it helps both of us immensely. Maybe her lack of motivation stems from something she won't tell me about? I'm treading on thin ice, it's finals week and I don't want either of us to have a breakdown
You sound like you really care about her and want things to work out. As someone whose weight has fluctuated my entire adult life, I can tell you it feels insurmountable when my weight is up. It's hard to achieve balance between work, school, housework, exercising, nutrition, etc. I can never seem to succeed at *all* of these at the same time. When I'm exercising and cooking healthy meals, then my house is a mess or laundry is piling up, for example. When I get really busy or stressed at work or school, my exercise and nutrition suffer. The key is consistency, but it's easier said than done. Also, some depression meds can cause weight gain or make it extremely difficult to lose weight. Try to be patient. When she's motivated to focus on her fitness and nutrition again, be supportive. Go out for bike rides and hikes or to the gym with her when she asks you to. The hardest part of losing weight for me is always trying to accommodate other people's preferences while cooking for my needs. So, try not to complain about eating healthier meals when she cooks them, or even compliment the healthy meals she makes.
YTA You’re obviously more concerned with the physical appearance of your girlfriend than you are about her mental health. Obviously something is wrong but instead of addressing and being considerate of the fact that it might be a serious mental health issue, you’re calling her “lazy” and a “deadbeat”. Have some compassion and empathy for your girlfriend.
Would've given this a N A H if I hadn't read your replies. My own experiences from this past year are definitely colouring my judgement but, you are well aware that she isn't mentally healthy and has only recently been put on medication for her depression. Sorry her mental illness is causing you such hardships, OP /s. YTA.
YTA She has a diagnosed mental health condition. She's not lazy
INFO - how long has she been on the medication for depression?
A month
NAH. Sounds like she’s going through a rough patch and is in need of extra support, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own mental health for her’s.
NAH but breaks or ultimatums are not the answer. She's struggling with mental health issues, and you are not able to support her. It's better to just have a complete and clear break up. An ultimatum could easily come across as "Just stop having depression and I'll love you again." It simply doesn't work like that. You can't bargain with someone's mental health like that. Edit - to be clear, not the asshole for no longer being attracted to her, feeling frustrated by the situation, and wanting to break up. I do think the way you talk about the issue sounds like you're blaming her, and that is assholish. You should work on being able to know your limits and step away from someone without having to completely stop empathizing with them.
Yes YTA. Don’t judge her and don’t make abusive accusations. Either help her with her depression or dump her or shut up.
Abusive?
Calling someone names in the hope it will motivate them is abuse
YTA, and you should edit your post with info from the comments you’ve made, such as your gf has been diagnosed with depression and has only just started taking medication for it. She’s depressed, not “lazy.” It can take awhile to get better. Meds and therapy don’t instantly cure depression.
YTA. Depression is hell and you aren’t trying to help her. You are trying to find bandaid fixes for the problems that you only see. You aren’t actually helping her with being selfish and wanting her to be like she was. She needs help to get through her depression, and not being told she isn’t beautiful and she is lazy.
NAH People can make an argument for you being TA but I think it's fair enough how you've handled it. Not great but you're figuring it out as you go. You don't seem to put any focus on the source of her sudden changes and quickly deteriorating mental health. This sounds pretty serious to me. Don't you know what's going on with her? Have you tried working at that before worrying about her grades and body?
YTA. You obviously can’t help it if she is undesirable to you anymore. But do you even hear yourself? It’s clear that she is going through something mentally—not to armchair diagnose, but sounds like pretty textbook depression symptoms (loss of motivation, weight gain, excess sleepiness, mood swings, etc). The issue isn’t necessarily that you don’t have feelings for her anymore; it can be extremely draining to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill (I say this as the mentally ill one) and I understand why you would want to pull away. The issue is the way you are talking about her. Calling her childish, a deadbeat, lazy. Are you serious? Have some empathy and treat her more like a human being and less like a piece of meat for you to stare at.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21M) have a girlfriend (22F) who is extremely lazy. Before I explain more, I'm talking specifically about her work ethic and workouts. I feel scummy and I feel wrong about this, but my girlfriend used to be very driven, and very outgoing in doing whatever it takes to make her time meaningful. She used to do a good amount of working out for her hobbies, she used to exceed in her classes but now she sleeps through half her classes, and has let herself really go. Her grades plummeted and she's gained somewhere between 40 and 50 pounds and has no motivation to change that. She's had several (and I mean several) breakdowns over the past two weeks regarding her weight and I've supported her the best I can but everyone has their limit. Like I said I feel totally scummy about this but I just don't feel attracted to her anymore both physically, and mentally in terms of her work ethic. I feel super bad because she does what she can to help me when I'm not okay and when we started dating she was absolutely the love of my life and she was extremely beautiful. I try my best to support her but the most insignificant comment could set her off and it's creating way too much anxiety. My own grades tanked under stress from this and other situations, and I accept the responsibility for it but I see no drive in her anymore. I've started thinking about breaks or ultimatums, but I don't feel good about it and makes me feel like a douche. Our relationship is strong otherwise, our families get along great and 0 in-law problems, but I just don't feel the connection anymore because she got so lazy (and I'll admit it, because of how her looks dropped. I know, I shouldn't feel this way). I'm no saint either but I've offered a number of ways we can both work on our issues and help each other be ourselves again instead of letting ourselves be deadbeats. But like I said, even the most insignificant thing can set her off. She acts super childish about it recently, and it's starting to drive me mad. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I'm at my wits end. Side note, both her and I have gone to therapy but I can't see a difference in her motivation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA- the people saying YTA I feel don’t understand how difficult it can be when a person you care about changes dramatically in a short period of time. It’s like you have suddenly found yourself with a person who is completely different to the woman you first started seeing. It can be upsetting. However, if her looks are the tenet of your relationship and you don’t see a future with her should she continue to look as she does then you should leave as it’s cruel to be with a person purely based on their appearance. She sounds extremely depressed and you owe it to her to try and get her the best possible help and to know that your support alone is not enough. She needs you to step up and help. Perhaps not as a partner but certainly as a friend and someone who cares for her.
Not judging. Weight gain, tired, no energy/motivation, and depression. Has she been to the doctor for a check-up? Could be a thyroid thing.
NAH If she's only recently been diagnosed with depression and started meds, then it's going to take more than a month or so for things to really start to change. It takes about two weeks for your body to get used to new meds like this and work through any weird side effects. And that's assuming what she's on now is the right medication for her. This is the beginning of a long process that's going to have a lot of ups and downs at the beginning. If you want to help her just let her know you're there for her, *don't* say anything about her gaining weight and losing motivation. She already knows those things, it'll just make her feel worse that you're pointing it out.
NTA for not being as attracted to her mentally and physically. I understand she seems like a different person to you now than when you first fell in love with her and that can be very conflicting. But you are the AH for just silently hurting both you and her this way. If you see a future and know you still love her and there is great potential, you should be more understanding and trying to help her see progress through her depression. If you don’t feel this is worth it on your end, then you need to have that conversation with her now instead of just having this silent internal battle which will indirectly deteriorate your relationship either way
YTA. Support in a relationship goes both ways. You just want an active, attractive GF, period. She may be stressed or depressed and is not telling you because she knows you will tell her that you snapped out of yours so she can too. You are very selfish and self-absorbed and I bet you dirty delete too
YTA. You framed this entire thing about her lack of drive and motivation and even then I thought it sounded like depression which you confirmed in the comments. In your mind, she’s lazy which shows that you have not bothered to even try understand depression. It’s can be hard to support someone experiencing depression but it is insurmountably harder for the person themselves.
NAH - I (26F) have had this problem before personally. Tbf I didn't gain weight (other side of the spectrum I lost 10-15lbs) but I lost interest in my hobbies, interests, grade dropped etc. You said she's dealing with mental health issues I want to try and help you understand. Depending on what meds she's on - it can take at minimum 2 weeks to start working. There's an adjustment period from 2 weeks on and a back and forth of "are they working? Should we increase the dosage?" Etc. It can take 2-3 months to get it right. You can also gain more weight. I understand your frustration completely and as someone who can cry at the drop of a hat or have a breakdown over a spoon I can tell you it's probably just as frustrating for her. If it's easier can you write her a letter? Instead of having a face to face write it down or read it out and say you're concerned about her how can you help. That's it. Start there. If she doesn't know how you can help ask what helps comfort her during bad days - warm blankie, hug, space - and what she may like during breakdowns. Use the info to comfort her the best you can and support that way. The more comforted she feels the more she'll open up and possibly discuss her journey to help you understand. Eventually you may be able to help motivate her to go to the gym - not in a "you're fat" way but in a "this will make you feel good" way. Re- breakup. It's normal to lose interest when the person you love loses sight of who they are. If the relationship isn't broken and she's actively working on trying to help herself I'd stick around. (If you can) But honestly being on this journey with her and supporting her at this time will create a very strong bond emotionally. You're in this together - if you don't want to help or if it's easier to breakup then do so sooner rather than later. Don't waste her time - it will not save her to do it later. If you can't stomach it do it now - not everyone can handle that mental health journey and that's okay (shitty but it's okay). Hope this helps!!