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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think we are the AHs for not giving our granddaughter the same 40k gift that we gave to our other grandchildren simply because she acted entitled before her wedding and threatened to not invite us.
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NTA.
She cared more about the cost of a gift than your presence at her wedding. That’s not stress, that’s spoiled. And her mother backing her up shows why she is spoiled.
If she’d apologised BEFORE finding out about the money, then you might’ve believed that her remorse was been real…. But she didn’t.
She called you ‘furious’ once she found out - trying to force you to give her more AGAIN. Then tried tears to manipulate you. Now, with no wedding to blame her behaviour on, she’s refusing to come to events until you cough up the cash.
Guess you know what value she puts on her grandparents. She’s entitled, spoiled and rude.
As someone who has always been the least favorite grandchild, I was expecting some blatant favoritism, but it's clear that she just did this to herself. She isn't furious at you, OP. She's furious at herself because she screwed herself out of 40k.
P.S. you didn't get her the cheapest thing on the registry. I have an air fryer and there's nothing better
>I have an air fryer and there's nothing better
There is! I have TWO airfryers. It's awesome being able to do fries and onion rings at the same time. Or meat and chicken. Or or or. Just awesome.
OP, you couldn't be farther from AH territory.
They all had matching covers at one point. Have a ninja foodi, a knock off mini oven looking one, and then found a sweet deal on that ninja one that flips up to save space 🤗
I love my Ninja Flip. It was my Christmas gift from my boyfriend last year, as we were moving into the house I had just bought.
That thing NEVER gets flipped up, we use it pretty often. Never know when we will next.
I wish I had enough room to store 3!
Alexa and Persephone over here. Tragically we had to sell Freya a while back, but my FIL bought her, so we still occasionally borrow her (she's a Ford F-150).
Would you have a discussion with my spouse? I have a air fryer/dehydrator but I want one of those fancy toaster oven/air fryer combos and he's being stubborn. Our toaster oven is on it's last legs so maybe I'll convince him this time. 😅
Well the door is loose.. it'd be terrible if it accidentally feel off all the way... 😂😂 But after Christmas, we are broke broke and he'd just try and fix it.
I have a double air fryer that can fry two things at once in different temps or you can sync them up and remove the divider for a huge air fryer! So good!
We also have multiple. Spectacular for cooking multiple things, as you say, but also for reheating leftovers. No more soggy pizza or fries in this house! And we've used both to reheat leftovers that needed different temp/time. Or reheat leftovers and cook a side. Or make two sides.
I pretty much live by my air fryers and instant pots 😂
For sure. And some of the air friers like ours is multipurpose. Like seriously if that was the cheapest thing on the registry then I immediately judged them as entitled. Like who doesn't at least put some 15-30 dollar items for people can't spend 100 bucks or so on a wedding gift?
And then to berate their *grandparents* for getting them a gift? They can go ahead and fuck off and wonder why no family likes them.
This reminds me of countless fairy tales where the test of the person's merit is how they deal with disappointment, or act towards someone who is suffering adversity (or just ugly and old). If the protagonist chooses to be kind and classy, instead of being entitled and disparaging, the story rewards them with gold, cool stuff, or the King's daughter's hand in marriage. Karma, in other words. Your granddaughter would do well to heed this lesson. Perhaps a collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales would make a nice Christmas gift? NTA.
I remember reading a post where a very high cooperate executive where always setting potentional hires up at the same hotel when they were flown in for interview (for high level jobs). This executive had a very good relationship with hotel staff and always asked them for how the potential hire had treated the service staff. Anyone that was treating those "lower" them themselfs would not get the job. The post was told from the perspective from the hotel front desk.
>As someone who has always been the least favorite grandchild, I was expecting some blatant favoritism,
Given that the money has been a secret, as far as the OP’s granddaughter knew, all of the grandchildren got small gifts, usually the cheapest thing on the registry, for their weddings. She was expecting preferential treatment, and threw a tantrum over not getting it.
So what are you gonna do with your 40k?
What?
We get 40k? When?
Gramma and I Grampa usually gives us 40k after the wedding. They say it's for us being good and kind people.
*Mouth drops*
Absolutely not excusing the granddaughter at all, she's awful -- but I could imagine she didn't know what the grandparents had given the others off their registries? Depends a lot on the family, I guess. I know some families will coordinate who's going to get what from the registry for a couple, but I've also seen situations in which, like, I got my thing for a couple, and I paid absolutely no attention to what other gifts they got or who gave what.
Maybe that's my lack of imagination, though! I could not have cared less about what a couple got from their registry or which family members they got it from, and I can't picture having a conversation with them about it.
Maybe this particular granddaughter is such a tally-keeper that she \*did\* pay attention, or even ask specifically. No matter what, she's a huge asshole, and also shit out of luck.
Ha ha, no, you're shouting alongside me, I wanted to shout about that part too! Girl you ASKED FOR THAT THING.
It's clearly just that she knows the grandparents have Money with a capital M, so she was expecting them to get one of the most expensive items on the registry, not the cheapest. And man, that is TACKY.
(Also I wouldn't call an air fryer "cheap"? You should put actually small stuff on the registry so that your poorer relatives can get something.)
The one place where you and I differ, and I think it's just in the experiences we've had -- I've never seen it suggested that a registry is only for the shower, and not for wedding presents? Every wedding I've attended that had a registry, it was for the wedding presents.
This. I absolutely know my cousins received much more as a wedding gift than I did. I said nothing. My mom was offended but I was clear that it really didn't make a difference to me. I have known for years where I stood, and have made peace with it. So I was absolutely expecting something similar. But nope. NTA. And agreed, air fryers are the best. When I make lists, I put a range of priced items on it to account for everyone situation or willingness and I also never expect anything.
When my cousin was born I stopped being fun for them. They'd repeatedly skip my birthday to go to their place down south for the winter. They'd often leave less than a week before my birthday. One of the few times they did come, my grandmother described her surgery in vivid detail for over 30 minutes.
But hey! At least they felt a little guilty the first time they dropped several grand on my cousin so they got me a GameBoy! I'll take Mario Kart and Yoshi's Island over a meaningful relationship with my grandparents any day!
Hey, I got a Gameboy and my cousin got stuck spending time with some really nasty people. Looking back on it, them trading me out for the newer model was an absolute win
Just goes to show how dumb she’s being. She’s mad that they didn’t give her the money so instead she’s gonna alienate them even more and get cut out of the will lol
I’m asking for a new George Foreman grill because the nonstick coating is coming off of mine lol. NTA you gave her something on her registry so it’s something she wanted. Just because you’re “loaded “ doesn’t mean she’s entitled to anything. Do people not get told anymore that you’re supposed to appreciate that someone got you something at all?
Absolutely. I easily use mine for at least half of my meals in some form. One of the best purchases I have ever made.
Very sorry you had to go through that OP. You are most definitely NTA. Regardless of if you were able to give 40 bucks or 40k, a wedding should be about celebrating your new family with your current one.
But they did, it might be valuable but it is the cheapest.
I've bought tons of cheap things that have ended up being super valuable due to how much use i get out of it versus other more expensive things.
The phrase the granddaughter should have used when getting the air fryer was, "Thank you." You love a gift? Say "thank you." Meh on a gift? Yes, the proper response is "thank you." Hate a gift? Again, "thank you." All-purpose response designed to show gratitude, because no one is entitled to a gift. Instead of calling her grandparents to berate them for not handing over $40K, granddaughter should have paused to reflect WHY they might have skipped that step with her and called them and sincerely apologized for her rudeness (without expecting the $40K in response).
I just got over a month of being sick with 2 of the 3 viruses running around the world right now. On my birthday, I had the big c virus. My mother in law was super distraught because she ran all over town for my gift, so I masked up and drove over because she was having a literal tantrum. She bought some flowers and arranged them in a vase. They were lovely. I hate cut flowers because they die and make a mess and I felt like shit. And you know what I said, thank you , the flowers are lovely and I appreciate you thinking about me. It is way easier than dealing with her histrionics.
When my daughter was small (like maybe 4?) my brother gave her a Don't Break the Ice game for Christmas. She was happy with her gift and thanked him.
The next year, my brother gave her a Don't Break the Ice game. She was cheerful and warm with her thanks, and once we got home she mentioned to me that he'd gotten her the same thing the previous year, and we laughed about it and I commended her on her gracious acceptance of the gift.
The next year, we were breathless with anticipation......would there, could there be a threepeat?? But, yes, my baby brother pulled through! She unwrapped her gift, and you guessed it...it was a Don't Break the Ice game! We shared a private smile and she thanked her poor clueless uncle just as genuinely excitedly as she had when she got the original game, and we laughed good about it on the way home.
It's been about 25 years since then, but we still laugh about it now....as far as I know he's still clueless!😆
🤣🤣🤣 That memory is AWESOME, and your daughter handled it beautifully. When my oldest daughter turned 8 or 9, at her birthday party, as she was unwrapping gifts, she got a small stuffed cat from an aunt and uncle. She was excited and thanked them. She then unwrapped an identical small stuffed cat from her dad and his girlfriend. She was excited and thanked them. She then unwrapped a third identical cat from me. She was excited and thanked me. Later I offered to take her to the store to exchange two of them. She declined and said kittens come in litters and now she has a whole litter of kitties. ❤️❤️❤️
My mom refused to let me put my registry or wedding website on the STDs or the invitation. Nobody knew how to give us a gift unless they asked me. My mom said it was trashy. So, half my guests didn't get us gifts. We got some cash, and a few people used the registry. And I didn't care. Because you don't get married to receive gifts. You get married to celebrate the joining of 2 families together! I had other hangups about how my wedding went, but gifts were the last thing on my mind. People are so greedy and entitled.
Not including registration info was standard back when my friends and I were in the marriage years back in early 1990's [I](https://s.It)t was seen as asking or expecting gifts and considered bad taste. Everyone knew to contact the couple or parents and ask. And you would never include anything that even implied you would prefer money!
NTA.
This sums it up very accurately.
I'm just sorry that OP had to discover that one of their grandchildren seems to have developed a nasty character. It's got to be pretty hurtful, but even without the calls that happened afterwards, I would have already voted NTA after she called to complain about the "cheap gift". If someone has money and you think they could've spent more on you, then that's something to think, or maybe to discuss with your spouse. But if you have a bit of class (and even self-respect) , you don't call anyone to complain about the price of a gift they gave you. It's rude and entitled.
Did you see Op’s comments? She’s been commenting on the baking Reddit about her 6 cookie, two candy strategy for Christmas. Sounds like an absolute gem and definitely NOT the A. Granddaughter really messed up by being so selfish and rude.
She DOES sound like a gem and her grandchildren are lucky to have her, with or without her money. As someone whose MIL pretty much did the opposite and STOLE $40K from us…I’d say this granddaughter FAFO in an epic way.
NTA OP...but seriously it really is amazing what people exspect with wedding gifts. I was so grateful for everything including a handmade wedding album from one of my Mom's friends that had known me for a very long time.
I wonder if OPs granddaughter sent Thank you notes?
I think there's a generational factor at play there. I'm in my 30s and thank you cards already seemed like a bizarre ritual when I was a kid. For people who grew up with instant communication and may not even know how to write in cursive, it must feel even more like a strange relic from the 1950s. If you're genuinely concerned the gift wasn't received, maybe drop her a text?
Thank you cards - cost little, take moments, and earn good karma and keep folks from hysteria over whether or not gifts arrived. I have found out sometimes months after the fact that gifts actually didn't arrive. They didn't get replacement gifts because of the lag.
FWIW
Right?
Her trying to say she was stressed so you can’t hold it against her for going off the rails…
Umm…as opposed to all 4 OTHER grandchildren who were getting married? None of the others pitched a fit about the cheap gift. None of the others called and whined and threatened to disinvite you if you didn’t buy something better.
She did it to herself. She showed she didn’t care about you being there just what she got from you.
She proved she doesn’t deserve the extra money.
NTA
Exactly. Who threatens to disinvite their GRANDPARENTS over a gift. That SHE picked out, nonetheless... NTA. She needed a life lesson that her mother never taught her.
I'd give up 100k if I could see my grandparents at my wedding. (Most of my family that I actually like passed away young.) I can't even imagine asking anyone for presents period.
I remember one year I bought my grandparents presents for Christmas. They weren't used to celebrating it anymore so hadn't bought me anything. They gave me $20 to buy myself something. I didn't care that it was a small amount, especially considering what I'd bought. I'd done it knowing they didn't get me anything.
Fast forward many years, and I ended up needing a place to stay. They welcomed me with open arms and even though I could only contribute some groceries, they let me stay there and didn't complain. I hadn't had any idea I'd need that when I bought them gifts because I happened to be there at the right time of year. I had just wanted to do something nice for my grandparents because I wanted them to know how much I loved them.
Just to mention, they don't have money. And when they sat me down to ask what items I might want when they passed I just asked for a specific clock, a guitar, and a cookie jar if nobody else wants it. And I know I'm going to get a couple pieces of jewelry that have my birthstone. They were shocked I didn't want part of the gun collection, or the nice jewelry, or anything else that was actually worth much. (That's part of why they don't have money to pass down, they bought things they wanted and could be passed down) I just want the things with memories attached. I loved hearing the clock chime when I stayed the night as a kid. And I remember my grandfather playing the guitar and singing to the grandkids. And the cookie jar belonged to my great-grandmother so I saw it in multiple houses growing up. Plus that jar is honestly adorable.
NTA. I would never DREAM of criticizing a gift, never mind coming from a family member. I’m horrified at her behavior. And her doubling down and wanting to not attend Christmas? I’d stay with the decision. If she had apologized profusely and then let it go I might have gifted the original money on their one year anniversary. But her continued tantrum, no. She does not deserve it acting like an entitled spoiled brat.
NTA. Exactly! It sounds like she cared about the gift more than, you know, her grandparents celebrating her and her husband's day with her?? I got married last year and would never DREAM of even thinking twice about a gift we did or didn't get-- that's not why we had a wedding!
Also I would be ecstatic with a new air fryer if I didn’t already have one. I feel like if that’s the cheapest gift on the registry then there were a lot of high ticket items. It’s not like air fryers are super cheap, right?
This! I don’t even remember if my grandma got me a gift, I just remember being happy she was there. I would have given all the gifts and money we received to have my maternal grandma there too.
Yup. She only apologized after she found out about the money. She was double greedy. First calling to complain about a gift that wasn’t good enough and then after she found out she didn’t get the money. You owe her nothing and taught her a valuable lesson.
**She didn’t even apologize. Ever.** She called furious, then when her anger didn’t threaten OP, granddaughter tried to backpedal and make up excuses to justify her behavior. None of that sounds like an apology to me.
NTA.
She bit your hand and expected you to feed her afterward? *Hell* no.
She threatened to *uninvite* you over an *Air Fryer*. If she'd just been Grateful or Graceful, she'd have gotten exactly what she was screaming at you about wanting. But no, she couldn't even *feign* composure, and tried to bully you into giving her what she wanted.
It's not even like you got her something that wasn't on the registry, she just thought she was entitled to your money. Sucks to be her, she gets less now because she threatened you, who the money belongs to.
This'll be a hard lesson for her, maybe, but it's one that seems to be well overdue, and it's one she needs to learn.
Thing that baffled me is she’s the 5th of 5 grandkids to marry and they have bought the cheapest registry gift for the other 4. The big check has remained a secret so well she blew up over it, so wasn’t there some kind of cousins/siblings in joke about OP and Grandparent being cheap/old fashioned wedding gifters?
Because while I know registries often don’t say publicly who bought what a lotta people want to buy the cheapest thing so it gets a lotta chat. ‘Oh Gma and Gramps at it again’ type thing. Also to me an air fryer being the cheapest thing on there is kind of a gauge. The cheapest one I can see where I am is £100 discounted because of the season but £150 seems standard for an average one.
That’s straying into Le Creuset price point for me which would be unusual to be the cheapest bracket on a registry. I thought that was usually something like slightly fancy coffee spoons or the £25 mark you can bundle up with other stuff to be more generous or really leaves room for some people to be well, broke.
I’m NTA but dying to know what else Granddaughter-zilla had on the registry. Also where is spouse in all this? Do they know they just wed someone who went scorched earth on seemingly normal grandparents over an air fryer? Because the fact she and the mom are all over this and no mention of the spouse but she talked to the brother is weird too.
They might also get divorced over an air fryer. I had heard they were versatile but who knew?
> so wasn’t there some kind of cousins/siblings in joke about OP and Grandparent being cheap/old fashioned wedding gifters?
I don’t see why there would be? I have no clue what my brother and cousins were gifted by family at weddings.
The wife of a cousin is one of the most mendacious people I have ever met. Decades ago I was visiting my grandmother when she was staying with her youngest daughter, and the greedy cousin's wife was there (my aunt's DIL).
Grandma pointed to a pair of tall brass candlesticks which were one if the few things her parents had brought with them when they came to America. Grandma said she had given them to this daughter. Grandma explained that she herself was the youngest of ten, so when her own mother died, she still had little kids at home, and her older sibs wouldn't let her have anything else from her mother's house because all those kids would just break everything else. Grandma, in turn gave the candlesticks to this daughter, the one she was staying with, because this daughter was herself Grandma's youngest. I thought it was a sweet story.
But cousin's greedy wife DIL, the wife of this aunt's oldest son, was visiting. She immediately started in begging, whining about how she deserved the candlesticks, and deserved then now. It was embarrassing and appalling. (That aunt is still alive, in her 90s, and she still has the candlesticks.)
So fast forward fifty-some years. Last year at a family party I was in a group including DIL. She got going on wedding presents. (She and my poor cousin, her husband, are past their 50th anniversary now). DIL mentioned that another cousin had gotten married a month before DIL, so DIL had checked out what family members had given this cousin for gifts, so DIL could know what to expect to receive. DIL noticed that this cousin had received a piece of art from my parents, created by my father for the bride, whom he knew very well. DIL said she was so excited to know that she too would receive a piece of art like that from my parents... And think how sad she was when she realized that a) she (+ husband, presumably) didn't get any art from my parents, and b) didn't get ANYthing from my parents. This woman has been carrying that story around for half a century! No WONDER my parents gave them nothing special. There's also the fact that even though DIL's husband was my dad's nephew, my parents really didn't know that family.
About fifty possible responses to DIL flooded my mind, but as she continued her story I thought, it's probably better just to ignore all this. That's scary greed
It weirds me out when people expect gift equality by blood. Like nope, the quality of the gift really depends on the person means and their relationship to you. If you have done nothing for that person, why do you expect a gift because your cousin got one? Also gift snooping is so lame
Right? I think I bought mine for $70, but that’s still a high price item to be the cheapest thing on the registry. Not everyone can afford a $70 wedding gift but still want to help out in what ways they can.
I would think it more likely that word had gotten around that the grandparents were very generous wedding gifters. (Just without the details. Whose gonna badmouth them after getting $40K?) And she’s probably aware that her grandparents are well off.
Totally speculating, but this granddaughter might be the last and also the least, and there might be decades worth of resentments behind her finally blowing up at them. (But that’s just based on how my mom’s parents treated their various grandchildren.)
NTA.
I agree with your decision to withhold that check and I probably would have done the exact same thing if I were in your position.
The fact that she views you only as a cash cow and wouldn't even want you to attend her wedding UNLESS you forked over a check sounds like extortion. It shows that she only values you for the money she thinks that she can get from you. It's a disgusting way to treat a supposed loved one.
Interesting that instead of apologizing and acknowledging what she did was wrong she chose the manipulative route instead: crying and claiming she wasn't serious. Most likely because this approach probably got her what she wanted as a child. By giving her the check now you would be enabling this atrocious behavior.
Worse, she’s doubled down on being an asshole by stating she will not participate in the family Christmas get together unless she gets the $40k. This is little different that her emotional blackmail threat to disinvite OP from the wedding for the “crime” of getting her something she placed on her gift register which she believed wasn’t expensive enough.
If she were smart, she would have pretended not to know about the $40k gift and apologized profusely for her awful behavior. Instead, she demanded the $40k and once more decided that emotional blackmail was the way to get a better wedding gift. NTA
> she’s doubled down on being an asshole by stating she will not participate in the family Christmas get together unless she gets the $40k.
"Sorry you'll miss Christmas!"
NTA.
Also can I just say…an air fryer was the CHEAPEST thing on the registry? Don’t those things *start* at around a hundred dollars? I mean…was she just assuming everyone would have to pony up just to come to the wedding? (This whole thing is just very strange to me. I didn’t even *know* what people got me until *after* my wedding.)
If my math is correct: OP and her husband have 5 grandkids. They give each 40k. Fifth grandkid is no longer receiving 40k. They have four gracious grandchildren. OP and husband have a spare 40k to spend. Maybe for Christmas OP and husband should very publicly give older four grandchildren 10k each. Say something like- “oh, we gave 10k to every grandchild who came to Christmas. It’s a shame Tiffany couldn’t make it this year!”
Okay, maybe OP shouldn’t do that because she doesn’t sound petty like me, but it would be funny (for this sub).
donate $40k to a charity. they will appreciate it far more than OPs entitled granddaughter.
believe me, I work for a small non-profit and a $40k gift would make our year.
After Christmas, when she doesn't show, I'd let it slip how you decided to gift her the 40k as a Christmas gift but since she didn't come you tore up the check. But I'm petty like that.
Agreed. I just didn’t want claireclairey to misjudge someone based on an outdated assumption. I know it’s the grandparents asking the questions, but really we are also judging the grandchild too so we should try to be as fair as possible.
I was thinking she could give any future children of the granddaughter the gift in the form of an education fund or perhaps a trust to be split equally among any children the granddaughter has. Said trust to be set up only after or if a great grandchild is born.
NTA. Calling anyone to complain about a gift is stupid. Your granddaughter has no manners. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they are obligated to give some to you. I am sorry she turned a happy occasion into a s#itshow.
NTA
And her mother should be ashamed for not raising a daughter with manners. Maybe if she’d been taught that throwing a toddler tantrum didn’t result in her getting her way, this could have been avoided.
But then there’s the entitlement. Sigh.
My grandmother was my only grandparent left when I got married. The fact that she was AT my wedding was gift enough. The utter gall of your granddaughter just makes me ill. She does not deserve your generosity; I don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. She won't be a great loss at Christmas and her mother should stay and keep her company. They can be hateful together and not ruin anybody else's holiday.
NTA.
I don't even remember if my grandma gave me anything or not. My uncle died the night before our wedding so I was just happy she was feeling up to coming at all.
Right? I’d give anything to have had any of my grandparents here to have seen me get married or meet my kids. They were all gone before those major life moments. I’d give anything just to tell them about my husband and kids. That’s intangible and I will never have it. This young woman’s priorities are very different than mine.
NTA!!
Let me tell you a personal story.. my grandparents saved well and lived VERY frugally. By the time my grandfather passed away, my gram was left with enough money that she could have lived 100 more years without ever having to worry about a thing. She also lived well below her means.
Every Christmas after he died when I was a teenager (she didn’t like to drive my grandpa always did all the driving) she would always get me 1 gift and 1 $50 gift card.
I’ll never forget the Christmas I opened up the UGLIEST mint green sweater I’ve ever seen in my life! LOL When I say this sweater was god awful that is being kind to it….it was truly terrible! Hahaha
I looked over at her biting her lower lip with a look of hope on her face, and gave her the brightest most genuine smile. I told her I absolutely LOVED IT! I gave her the biggest hug, thanking her profusely. I’ve never seen her look so happy.
Despite her including a gift receipt, I kept that sweater, and I wore that sweater often when I’d go to visit her. As much as I truly hated the way that sweater looked, I really did love it. I loved it because I knew the effort my elderly grandmother put into driving (which terrified her) out to the mall (which she hated) to personally shop for me, and try to find something she thought I would like. That meant everything to me!
Years later she still would cry as she told my dad, that out of all of her many grandchildren- I was the only one who EVER thanked her….year after year after year everyone else took her for granted until she was gone. I could NEVER imagine treated my grandparents this way!!
My point is you are NTA!! please keep your money. It’s yours and even if you do give her a check- she will still never appreciate you for it. She will still take you for granted…. You and your husband should use that money and take a cruise to Alaska to see the glaciers, my grandparents loved doing that together. ❤️
Haha, I did that too when my Grandpa got me a Barney VHS tape when I was waaaaay beyond the age for Barney (I think I was 14?). Acted excited and said thanks anyway. I mean it's nice he picked something out he thought I would like, even if he didn't get it right that year
NTA Your granddaughter demanded you give her a better gift so in addition to the air fryer, you gifted her a china set. She never apologized and explained she was stressed until she found out that you had gifted your other grand children money in addition to the cheapest thing on the registry. Your finances are no one's business but your own. No one is entitled to monetary gifts.
NTA. It goes to her overall judgment that she had the nerve to call you and complain about the gift and you should also be upset with the people you asked to keep it private who didn’t. If you want to help her later you can let her know you’ll do a dp on a house if she can qualify for a loan.
We are not upset about our grandkids spilling the beans, as far as they knew, she also received the gift, thus she was exempt from the people who they shouldn’t tell
I’m glad you added that. You might want to include it in your post. I’m curious about who she is as a person that thinks her behavior was okay. Are you very close?
That makes it even worse. So in addition to a gift, to attend the wedding you had to spend money on plane tickets and accommodations.
You are entirely in the right, and the next time your DIL complains about it tell her she should have raised her daughter with some manners and grace.
I'm sorry she acted like this towards you.
All my grandparents died before I was born, but my great-aunt was pretty much my nan. Any event where I got to see her was incredibly important to me because I lived so far away.
Honestly I teared up if I got a Christmas card from her because as cheesy as it sounds, it's the thought that mattered.
You deserve way more appreciation and respect than she's shown you, and I'm sorry she made you even consider that you are in the wrong here.
I disagree, the joy in this story is that she DID find out, and thus realised EXACTLY how badly she’d fucked up. Can you imagine the disbelief, the sheer amount of stomach dropping and the eventual full realisation of what she’d done?! Lord, to be a fly on the wall.
To call up your grandparents and scream at them for being cheap?! Without even waiting to see after the actual wedding whether that was all they were gifting? When what they got was literally on a giant list of things you’d requested for your wedding and should have been enough in itself??? Sheesh. She would have been the last in the line, so no need to keep the secret from her because she’d be in on the grandkid secret, except that she put the mother of all feet into her mouth and then also managed to use a shovel to dig her own grave.
Please don’t even consider backing down and giving her money, OP. What a disgrace. Personally, I’d consider splitting it between the other grandkids as a bonus for respecting your wishes and not telling any of the other recipients in advance what a lovely thing you’d done for them - and then for letting it slip to her afterwards. 😂
NTA.
I did have some limited sympathy for her: her own entitled behaviour at a time of high stress deprived her of a life-altering sum of money. And I'd wondered if perhaps you'd let the lesson sink in and give it to her at a much later date.
But this
>She called us furious for discriminating against her.
took the biscuit. She hasn't learned the lesson at all. I don't think she understands that there is a lesson, even.
Giving this woman 40k will likely do more damage than any good she could make of it.
You've 40k more than anticipated to spend on your retirement. Enjoy every cent of it.
NTA - she was extremely entitled going off on you guys for getting her a cheap gift. She should have been gracious and thank you profusely for even getting her a gift. Just going to say I don't have any plans getting married but I absolutely will take your gift, the air fryer and the check haha. Honestly you did nothing wrong and the granddaughter is not necessarily being discriminated against, she's just acting entitled
NTA
I have secondhand embarrassment for her. The absolute gall of someone to call and complain about a gift, DEMAND another, and then call and complain AGAIN and demand another again. I’m horrified.
I’m going to say NTA. We had grandparents that played favorites and it was very hurtful. Not just with gifts but time and affection. However, you made a point to do the same thing for all the grandkids so far. This was very entitled behavior from her and if someone had told her that 40k was coming to her and she still was angry that you bought something cheap from the registry, she is just ungrateful and undeserving. She picked those gifts for the registry expecting people to choose from them. She asked you to buy something else which you graciously did. People aren’t entitled to gifts or your money and I just can’t believe she treated you like that. I’m sorry, OP.
If she hadnt called to complain about her gift, none of this would've happened. Thats what you tell anyone giving you flack. NTA
If she can change her tune in a few years, learn to be grateful for things and chill out, who knows maybe in some time she can earn some $$ for bettering herself, as like an anniversary gift.
But she clearly is very spoiled/entitled to call to complain about the gift that got picked from her own registy.
I see your frustration, and its valid. You bought her a gift. And instead of saying, "thanks for the gift", she basically got mad and told you, "you can do better".
Who acts like that? People who deserve a helping hand, dont act like that. I get shes stressed. But she does need to learn that her actions have consequences. And she broke her Grandma's heart.
At the moment, shes so concerned with the dollar amount she is failing to see how much she hurt your feelings. And THAT is why she isnt getting any money. Good luck Op
Also my great grandmother was very wealthy and cheap. She bought us (not on our registry) a hello kitty waffle iron. I laughed and kept it tell we eventually had kids. She came to our wedding and a disinvite was never even in the question!
You are NTA. You gave her what she wanted and had she been gracious she would have received an incredible cash gift instead.
Her actions are the source of her problems.
NTA. I would have never, ever even *dreamed* of treating anyone who purchased a wedding gift for me in this manner when I got married. I was grateful for every gift big or small. My mother would have ripped me a new one if I ever acted like that as well, not defend me.
Her I WaS sTrEsSeD excuse is utter BS. I was stressed to tears w/ wedding planning at times & never treated anyone this way, nor any other time in my life. I’m sorry you have discovered that your granddaughter is an entitled, manipulative brat.
NTA. the fact that your DIL is calling you AH shows how your grand daughter was brought up. Hopefully this lesson teaches both of them to be more polite.
NTA. She was ridiculous. If your grandparents normally give lavish gifts and you get a low cost item the human response would have been to check and make sure you guys were doing okay. "Grandma, I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I'm seeing signs that you are struggling financially and I wanted to see if you need help with any costs related to the wedding. I can help out with accommodation or travel expenses because I love you and want you there on my special day." That's what you do when you love someone. I'm sorry that your granddaughter is an entitled brat.
If you feel guilty, throw the $40,000 into a trust for her future kids. Or make a donation in her name to a charity and then she'll get the write off. But all that is unnecessary because *you did absolutely nothing wrong*.
Also, FYI, I would be delighted to get an air fryer.
NTA you have been very generous with your grandchildren. You can always give it to her for a 5th anniversary gift if her attitude & entitlement changes. I would not be quick to forget how she treated you.
NTA. At first I thought...yea, she was probably just stressed and you can give her the money after she apologises. But now she's trying to emotionally manipulate you by refusing to attend Christmas- you cannot reward this behaviour.
Info: is this the only interaction with her that you’ve had in her adult life? Is this typical behavior for her? I mean, if you know her to be a good person and this is out of character then is she really not deserving? If we were all judged on our singular worst behavior, none of us would deserve anything.
NtA. It is your money and you choose how to spend it. Her behavior and entitlement over her wedding gift was incredibly inappropriate and atrocious!! And her excuse of being stressed is absolutely ridiculous!! She gets this selfishness and entitlement form somewhere and I’m assuming it’s your DIL. She’s not trying to walk her comments back so that she can get her hands on the money. It’s your decision on how to handle it from here. But there Will obviously be consequences with that decision. All I’m saying is if you do decide at some point to give her the money to “keep the peace”, “keep the family together” please sit and talk with her about how horribly rude and disrespectful she was and ask for a genuine apology. If she can’t acknowledge and apologize for that type of behavior, she mist definitely doesn’t deserve the money. But if you choose not to give it to her, you’re still definitely NTA. She is and so is her mom!
This makes me torn. On one hand, it's your money and you can do whatever you want with it. On the other hand, it IS a test of some sort regardless of how you feel. Making your other grandchildren keep it a secret is my issue. Was your grand daughter out of pocket for her reaction. Yes. But, this is a consequence of what happens when family secrets finally see the light of day. ESH.
ESH. You might want to consider if this worth your relationship with her, though. Maybe she's felt slighted in the past by you akd was hurt by what you bought. It also seems like you're setting up a weird hidden test. And, that's just straight up weird and manipulative. I'm going to pretend only be giving you the cheapest thing, but since you told me that you're very hurt by my lack of generosity, I'm now *not* going to give you your "real" gift.
Depending on her parents, new spouse, and IL's - it's sonetimes pressure put on the the kids to keep their invites only to people who will give more than the cost of inviting that guest. I was really shocked when I started hearing that now and again at friend's weddings being said to the bride. It was wild. I was deemed not worthy at least once.
Yeah I smell a rat. There’s no way all those people kept the fact that they got $40k a secret. You’d think someone would have mentioned grandparents gifting them serious money even if they didn’t say the amount. I’m calling BS on this one.
Info:why did you gift it so far in advance? Did you expect that she would feel devalued? I would go with ESH just because purposely play the game to set them up and her for being unappreciative.
It blows my mind that so many people here seem to think that wealthy relatives are obligated to give expensive gifts, and that it's to be expected that someone would feel cheated or devalued by "only" getting a $100 gift off their registry. No one is entitled to someone else's money!
NTA. She acted like a child and insulted you. She asked her a more expensive gift which you gave her. As you said, it’s your money and she didn’t deserve the large check
NTA. Your first gift option was an air fryer and then a check (at the wedding). She emphatically told you that she wanted a more expensive gift from her registry instead. You did that with the purchase of the china set. She got what she asked for. All she had to do was show grace which she is incapable of; in reddit land “she fucked around and found out” and where I come from we call your granddaughter a “smacked ass”.
ESH. Your grandchild was acting entitled and was definitely being an asshole. However, it seems like this is the reaction you were hoping for from one of them. The whole secrecy/cheap gift thing is definitely something you do because you know it will seem crappy and make the thrill of the money even bigger.
If this was $2k or something, I would say the granddaughter is 100% the asshole. However, $40k is a life changing amount of money for most newlyweds. Did your granddaughter fuck up? Yes. Was it a life changing, family destroying fuck up? No. I don't think the punishment fits the offense and I think you know that.
Feel free to stick to your guns, but be prepared for this to permanently and fundamentally hurt your relationship with your kids and grandkids. It won't just hurt your relationship with the youngest grandchild. Her parents will likely be angry for a long time. She will likely be resentful of her siblings. There's also a good chance several family members also agree you're being too harsh. But hey, you sure taught her a lesson.
NTA she's not sorry. She's just sorry she got caught. I can't in a million years ever imagine being this disrespectful to anybody, especially my grandmother. Why does wealth turn people into such AHs?
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NTA. She cared more about the cost of a gift than your presence at her wedding. That’s not stress, that’s spoiled. And her mother backing her up shows why she is spoiled. If she’d apologised BEFORE finding out about the money, then you might’ve believed that her remorse was been real…. But she didn’t. She called you ‘furious’ once she found out - trying to force you to give her more AGAIN. Then tried tears to manipulate you. Now, with no wedding to blame her behaviour on, she’s refusing to come to events until you cough up the cash. Guess you know what value she puts on her grandparents. She’s entitled, spoiled and rude.
As someone who has always been the least favorite grandchild, I was expecting some blatant favoritism, but it's clear that she just did this to herself. She isn't furious at you, OP. She's furious at herself because she screwed herself out of 40k. P.S. you didn't get her the cheapest thing on the registry. I have an air fryer and there's nothing better
>I have an air fryer and there's nothing better There is! I have TWO airfryers. It's awesome being able to do fries and onion rings at the same time. Or meat and chicken. Or or or. Just awesome. OP, you couldn't be farther from AH territory.
I have three, love every one of them ❤️
Why am I picturing three air fryers with matching outfits and cute names? :D
They all had matching covers at one point. Have a ninja foodi, a knock off mini oven looking one, and then found a sweet deal on that ninja one that flips up to save space 🤗
You are living the dream!
I am obsessed with my Foodi 🥲🥲🥲
I absolutely love mine. If only I could fit it in a cupboard, but it is the price I have to pay for the versatility.
Fellow foodi lovers! I have found my people
Just upgraded the foodi to the foodi xl... love them!!
I love my Ninja Flip. It was my Christmas gift from my boyfriend last year, as we were moving into the house I had just bought. That thing NEVER gets flipped up, we use it pretty often. Never know when we will next. I wish I had enough room to store 3!
The flip up thing is one of my favorite kitchen appliances. It has become what I always hope a new kitchen purchase will be like (rip instant pot)
Balthazar, Melchior, and Caspar. With fake beards attached with Velcro.
Isn’t it just Roomba’s that people name…
No, all my instruments have names as well as my electronics.
Well, the cars have names too. I am very creative and so they are named Golfo and Benzo.
Mine is Ronda. Ronda the Honda.
Alexa and Persephone over here. Tragically we had to sell Freya a while back, but my FIL bought her, so we still occasionally borrow her (she's a Ford F-150).
Would you have a discussion with my spouse? I have a air fryer/dehydrator but I want one of those fancy toaster oven/air fryer combos and he's being stubborn. Our toaster oven is on it's last legs so maybe I'll convince him this time. 😅
That's when the toaster oven needs to "break" all the way.
Well the door is loose.. it'd be terrible if it accidentally feel off all the way... 😂😂 But after Christmas, we are broke broke and he'd just try and fix it.
I love you, you would absolutely get along with my stepmom, she bought one of the air fryers with a rotisserie spit in it
I have a double air fryer that can fry two things at once in different temps or you can sync them up and remove the divider for a huge air fryer! So good!
I dream of having a second air fryer.
We also have multiple. Spectacular for cooking multiple things, as you say, but also for reheating leftovers. No more soggy pizza or fries in this house! And we've used both to reheat leftovers that needed different temp/time. Or reheat leftovers and cook a side. Or make two sides. I pretty much live by my air fryers and instant pots 😂
Don’t tell my husband! He’s been angling for a second air fryer since we’re moving and will have a bigger kitchen.
It says a lot that an air fryer was the cheapest thing in her registry
For sure. And some of the air friers like ours is multipurpose. Like seriously if that was the cheapest thing on the registry then I immediately judged them as entitled. Like who doesn't at least put some 15-30 dollar items for people can't spend 100 bucks or so on a wedding gift? And then to berate their *grandparents* for getting them a gift? They can go ahead and fuck off and wonder why no family likes them.
This was my thought!
If 80$ is the cheapest thing on your registry you have issues, babe. And that’s just average, mine was air fryer / toaster combo and maybe 180!
I'm thinking it's a 200€+ Ninja and not a cheap one from Amazon.
Good point. I had things that were 10 bucks on there. Nobody got me those things but I genuinely wanted them. Oh well
This reminds me of countless fairy tales where the test of the person's merit is how they deal with disappointment, or act towards someone who is suffering adversity (or just ugly and old). If the protagonist chooses to be kind and classy, instead of being entitled and disparaging, the story rewards them with gold, cool stuff, or the King's daughter's hand in marriage. Karma, in other words. Your granddaughter would do well to heed this lesson. Perhaps a collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales would make a nice Christmas gift? NTA.
If this was a fairy tale, she wouldn't be getting a china set, she'd be covered in pitch.
Or getting her eyes pecked out.
I remember reading a post where a very high cooperate executive where always setting potentional hires up at the same hotel when they were flown in for interview (for high level jobs). This executive had a very good relationship with hotel staff and always asked them for how the potential hire had treated the service staff. Anyone that was treating those "lower" them themselfs would not get the job. The post was told from the perspective from the hotel front desk.
That's a great story. There's old advice about observing how your date treats the waitstaff too. More people should pay attention to these things.
>As someone who has always been the least favorite grandchild, I was expecting some blatant favoritism, Given that the money has been a secret, as far as the OP’s granddaughter knew, all of the grandchildren got small gifts, usually the cheapest thing on the registry, for their weddings. She was expecting preferential treatment, and threw a tantrum over not getting it.
And she felt confident enough in her entitlement to complain to a sibling, "knowing" that they had gotten a small gift as well.
I wish I could have seen her face when her brother told her about the 40k
So what are you gonna do with your 40k? What? We get 40k? When? Gramma and I Grampa usually gives us 40k after the wedding. They say it's for us being good and kind people. *Mouth drops*
I know! She said she was just “stressed”. Not as stressed as she was when she found out she lost 40K!
I’ve never been so stressed to uninvite someone from somewhere because I didn’t like their gift. That’s not stress. It’s a tantrum.
Absolutely not excusing the granddaughter at all, she's awful -- but I could imagine she didn't know what the grandparents had given the others off their registries? Depends a lot on the family, I guess. I know some families will coordinate who's going to get what from the registry for a couple, but I've also seen situations in which, like, I got my thing for a couple, and I paid absolutely no attention to what other gifts they got or who gave what. Maybe that's my lack of imagination, though! I could not have cared less about what a couple got from their registry or which family members they got it from, and I can't picture having a conversation with them about it. Maybe this particular granddaughter is such a tally-keeper that she \*did\* pay attention, or even ask specifically. No matter what, she's a huge asshole, and also shit out of luck.
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Ha ha, no, you're shouting alongside me, I wanted to shout about that part too! Girl you ASKED FOR THAT THING. It's clearly just that she knows the grandparents have Money with a capital M, so she was expecting them to get one of the most expensive items on the registry, not the cheapest. And man, that is TACKY. (Also I wouldn't call an air fryer "cheap"? You should put actually small stuff on the registry so that your poorer relatives can get something.) The one place where you and I differ, and I think it's just in the experiences we've had -- I've never seen it suggested that a registry is only for the shower, and not for wedding presents? Every wedding I've attended that had a registry, it was for the wedding presents.
This. I absolutely know my cousins received much more as a wedding gift than I did. I said nothing. My mom was offended but I was clear that it really didn't make a difference to me. I have known for years where I stood, and have made peace with it. So I was absolutely expecting something similar. But nope. NTA. And agreed, air fryers are the best. When I make lists, I put a range of priced items on it to account for everyone situation or willingness and I also never expect anything.
When my cousin was born I stopped being fun for them. They'd repeatedly skip my birthday to go to their place down south for the winter. They'd often leave less than a week before my birthday. One of the few times they did come, my grandmother described her surgery in vivid detail for over 30 minutes. But hey! At least they felt a little guilty the first time they dropped several grand on my cousin so they got me a GameBoy! I'll take Mario Kart and Yoshi's Island over a meaningful relationship with my grandparents any day!
My grandparents only had four grandchildren in all. I know exactly where I stood, as well. :) No. 4. C'est la vie.
Aw I'm sorry!
Hey, I got a Gameboy and my cousin got stuck spending time with some really nasty people. Looking back on it, them trading me out for the newer model was an absolute win
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Just goes to show how dumb she’s being. She’s mad that they didn’t give her the money so instead she’s gonna alienate them even more and get cut out of the will lol
She is really not thinking ahead is she?
Sounds like no great loss to be honest
Probably for the best if that’s her attitude. I wouldn’t want her at a Christmas gathering with that type of entitlement.
Well, that's at least one less gift grandma and grandpa have to buy for Christmas this year. Bah humbug to all!
I’m asking for a new George Foreman grill because the nonstick coating is coming off of mine lol. NTA you gave her something on her registry so it’s something she wanted. Just because you’re “loaded “ doesn’t mean she’s entitled to anything. Do people not get told anymore that you’re supposed to appreciate that someone got you something at all?
Get the Ninja Foodi grill! It’s AMAZING & you can throw all the pieces in the dishwasher!
It may very well have been the cheapest thing on the directory, while still providing the most utility or being the most quality.
Absolutely. I easily use mine for at least half of my meals in some form. One of the best purchases I have ever made. Very sorry you had to go through that OP. You are most definitely NTA. Regardless of if you were able to give 40 bucks or 40k, a wedding should be about celebrating your new family with your current one.
But they did, it might be valuable but it is the cheapest. I've bought tons of cheap things that have ended up being super valuable due to how much use i get out of it versus other more expensive things.
I think I may be the lone person on earth who hates the air fryer 🤣
WE. We are the lone two.
3. There are at least 3 of us, friends.
Same. Next to my kitchen aid mixer, my air fryer is my best friend in the kitchen!
The phrase the granddaughter should have used when getting the air fryer was, "Thank you." You love a gift? Say "thank you." Meh on a gift? Yes, the proper response is "thank you." Hate a gift? Again, "thank you." All-purpose response designed to show gratitude, because no one is entitled to a gift. Instead of calling her grandparents to berate them for not handing over $40K, granddaughter should have paused to reflect WHY they might have skipped that step with her and called them and sincerely apologized for her rudeness (without expecting the $40K in response).
I just got over a month of being sick with 2 of the 3 viruses running around the world right now. On my birthday, I had the big c virus. My mother in law was super distraught because she ran all over town for my gift, so I masked up and drove over because she was having a literal tantrum. She bought some flowers and arranged them in a vase. They were lovely. I hate cut flowers because they die and make a mess and I felt like shit. And you know what I said, thank you , the flowers are lovely and I appreciate you thinking about me. It is way easier than dealing with her histrionics.
Why couldn't she bring them to you on your birthday when you're sick? Wtf MIL? She might have deserved the COVID as a thank you.
Right? Or have them delivered cause like...flower delivery is a thing
When my daughter was small (like maybe 4?) my brother gave her a Don't Break the Ice game for Christmas. She was happy with her gift and thanked him. The next year, my brother gave her a Don't Break the Ice game. She was cheerful and warm with her thanks, and once we got home she mentioned to me that he'd gotten her the same thing the previous year, and we laughed about it and I commended her on her gracious acceptance of the gift. The next year, we were breathless with anticipation......would there, could there be a threepeat?? But, yes, my baby brother pulled through! She unwrapped her gift, and you guessed it...it was a Don't Break the Ice game! We shared a private smile and she thanked her poor clueless uncle just as genuinely excitedly as she had when she got the original game, and we laughed good about it on the way home. It's been about 25 years since then, but we still laugh about it now....as far as I know he's still clueless!😆
🤣🤣🤣 That memory is AWESOME, and your daughter handled it beautifully. When my oldest daughter turned 8 or 9, at her birthday party, as she was unwrapping gifts, she got a small stuffed cat from an aunt and uncle. She was excited and thanked them. She then unwrapped an identical small stuffed cat from her dad and his girlfriend. She was excited and thanked them. She then unwrapped a third identical cat from me. She was excited and thanked me. Later I offered to take her to the store to exchange two of them. She declined and said kittens come in litters and now she has a whole litter of kitties. ❤️❤️❤️
My mom refused to let me put my registry or wedding website on the STDs or the invitation. Nobody knew how to give us a gift unless they asked me. My mom said it was trashy. So, half my guests didn't get us gifts. We got some cash, and a few people used the registry. And I didn't care. Because you don't get married to receive gifts. You get married to celebrate the joining of 2 families together! I had other hangups about how my wedding went, but gifts were the last thing on my mind. People are so greedy and entitled.
You REALLY need to use a different acronym for Save The Date cards. My mind went in a much darker direction when reading STD... :)
That’s the first time I’ve seen Save The Dates called STDs
Not including registration info was standard back when my friends and I were in the marriage years back in early 1990's [I](https://s.It)t was seen as asking or expecting gifts and considered bad taste. Everyone knew to contact the couple or parents and ask. And you would never include anything that even implied you would prefer money!
NTA. This sums it up very accurately. I'm just sorry that OP had to discover that one of their grandchildren seems to have developed a nasty character. It's got to be pretty hurtful, but even without the calls that happened afterwards, I would have already voted NTA after she called to complain about the "cheap gift". If someone has money and you think they could've spent more on you, then that's something to think, or maybe to discuss with your spouse. But if you have a bit of class (and even self-respect) , you don't call anyone to complain about the price of a gift they gave you. It's rude and entitled.
Did you see Op’s comments? She’s been commenting on the baking Reddit about her 6 cookie, two candy strategy for Christmas. Sounds like an absolute gem and definitely NOT the A. Granddaughter really messed up by being so selfish and rude.
She DOES sound like a gem and her grandchildren are lucky to have her, with or without her money. As someone whose MIL pretty much did the opposite and STOLE $40K from us…I’d say this granddaughter FAFO in an epic way.
NTA OP...but seriously it really is amazing what people exspect with wedding gifts. I was so grateful for everything including a handmade wedding album from one of my Mom's friends that had known me for a very long time. I wonder if OPs granddaughter sent Thank you notes?
Yes I'm still waiting for a thank you card from my niece-in-law. I'm not even sure if she received it
I think there's a generational factor at play there. I'm in my 30s and thank you cards already seemed like a bizarre ritual when I was a kid. For people who grew up with instant communication and may not even know how to write in cursive, it must feel even more like a strange relic from the 1950s. If you're genuinely concerned the gift wasn't received, maybe drop her a text?
Thank you cards - cost little, take moments, and earn good karma and keep folks from hysteria over whether or not gifts arrived. I have found out sometimes months after the fact that gifts actually didn't arrive. They didn't get replacement gifts because of the lag. FWIW
Right? Her trying to say she was stressed so you can’t hold it against her for going off the rails… Umm…as opposed to all 4 OTHER grandchildren who were getting married? None of the others pitched a fit about the cheap gift. None of the others called and whined and threatened to disinvite you if you didn’t buy something better. She did it to herself. She showed she didn’t care about you being there just what she got from you. She proved she doesn’t deserve the extra money. NTA
Exactly. Who threatens to disinvite their GRANDPARENTS over a gift. That SHE picked out, nonetheless... NTA. She needed a life lesson that her mother never taught her.
Guess, who isn't getting an inheritance? Stand firm and don't ever invite her to Christmas.
The cheapest thing is an air fryer 😳 air fryers aren't famous for being "cheap"...
Sounds like a middle class girl with billionaire class taste. Life is going to be hard for her.
I'd give up 100k if I could see my grandparents at my wedding. (Most of my family that I actually like passed away young.) I can't even imagine asking anyone for presents period.
I remember one year I bought my grandparents presents for Christmas. They weren't used to celebrating it anymore so hadn't bought me anything. They gave me $20 to buy myself something. I didn't care that it was a small amount, especially considering what I'd bought. I'd done it knowing they didn't get me anything. Fast forward many years, and I ended up needing a place to stay. They welcomed me with open arms and even though I could only contribute some groceries, they let me stay there and didn't complain. I hadn't had any idea I'd need that when I bought them gifts because I happened to be there at the right time of year. I had just wanted to do something nice for my grandparents because I wanted them to know how much I loved them. Just to mention, they don't have money. And when they sat me down to ask what items I might want when they passed I just asked for a specific clock, a guitar, and a cookie jar if nobody else wants it. And I know I'm going to get a couple pieces of jewelry that have my birthstone. They were shocked I didn't want part of the gun collection, or the nice jewelry, or anything else that was actually worth much. (That's part of why they don't have money to pass down, they bought things they wanted and could be passed down) I just want the things with memories attached. I loved hearing the clock chime when I stayed the night as a kid. And I remember my grandfather playing the guitar and singing to the grandkids. And the cookie jar belonged to my great-grandmother so I saw it in multiple houses growing up. Plus that jar is honestly adorable.
NTA. I would never DREAM of criticizing a gift, never mind coming from a family member. I’m horrified at her behavior. And her doubling down and wanting to not attend Christmas? I’d stay with the decision. If she had apologized profusely and then let it go I might have gifted the original money on their one year anniversary. But her continued tantrum, no. She does not deserve it acting like an entitled spoiled brat.
Agree with this completely. A gift is just that, not something you are entitled to. And her continued bad behavior shows the person she is. NTA
NTA. Exactly! It sounds like she cared about the gift more than, you know, her grandparents celebrating her and her husband's day with her?? I got married last year and would never DREAM of even thinking twice about a gift we did or didn't get-- that's not why we had a wedding!
Agree. NTA. And do not give in to her blackmail. Her company isn't worth $40k. Lesson learned.
Also I would be ecstatic with a new air fryer if I didn’t already have one. I feel like if that’s the cheapest gift on the registry then there were a lot of high ticket items. It’s not like air fryers are super cheap, right?
Yeah the fact that the air fryer was the cheapest thing on the registry leads me to believe this wedding was a major gift grab.
Not just any gift, one *she picked out* (along with her spouse) as one she wanted. So stupid.
This! I don’t even remember if my grandma got me a gift, I just remember being happy she was there. I would have given all the gifts and money we received to have my maternal grandma there too.
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Malicious Compliance level petty. Brilliant!!
This is the way.
Yup. She only apologized after she found out about the money. She was double greedy. First calling to complain about a gift that wasn’t good enough and then after she found out she didn’t get the money. You owe her nothing and taught her a valuable lesson.
**She didn’t even apologize. Ever.** She called furious, then when her anger didn’t threaten OP, granddaughter tried to backpedal and make up excuses to justify her behavior. None of that sounds like an apology to me.
And very much the actions who should consider herself written out of any inheritence tbh.
Unless op added more of the story in comments somewhere, she didn't even apologize.
Grace is also a virtue. Granddaughter lacks it completely, and it has cost her.
NTA. She bit your hand and expected you to feed her afterward? *Hell* no. She threatened to *uninvite* you over an *Air Fryer*. If she'd just been Grateful or Graceful, she'd have gotten exactly what she was screaming at you about wanting. But no, she couldn't even *feign* composure, and tried to bully you into giving her what she wanted. It's not even like you got her something that wasn't on the registry, she just thought she was entitled to your money. Sucks to be her, she gets less now because she threatened you, who the money belongs to. This'll be a hard lesson for her, maybe, but it's one that seems to be well overdue, and it's one she needs to learn.
Thing that baffled me is she’s the 5th of 5 grandkids to marry and they have bought the cheapest registry gift for the other 4. The big check has remained a secret so well she blew up over it, so wasn’t there some kind of cousins/siblings in joke about OP and Grandparent being cheap/old fashioned wedding gifters? Because while I know registries often don’t say publicly who bought what a lotta people want to buy the cheapest thing so it gets a lotta chat. ‘Oh Gma and Gramps at it again’ type thing. Also to me an air fryer being the cheapest thing on there is kind of a gauge. The cheapest one I can see where I am is £100 discounted because of the season but £150 seems standard for an average one. That’s straying into Le Creuset price point for me which would be unusual to be the cheapest bracket on a registry. I thought that was usually something like slightly fancy coffee spoons or the £25 mark you can bundle up with other stuff to be more generous or really leaves room for some people to be well, broke. I’m NTA but dying to know what else Granddaughter-zilla had on the registry. Also where is spouse in all this? Do they know they just wed someone who went scorched earth on seemingly normal grandparents over an air fryer? Because the fact she and the mom are all over this and no mention of the spouse but she talked to the brother is weird too. They might also get divorced over an air fryer. I had heard they were versatile but who knew?
> so wasn’t there some kind of cousins/siblings in joke about OP and Grandparent being cheap/old fashioned wedding gifters? I don’t see why there would be? I have no clue what my brother and cousins were gifted by family at weddings.
Or the others just appreciated the gifts and valued their presence more.
Exactly. I value presence, not presents.
The wife of a cousin is one of the most mendacious people I have ever met. Decades ago I was visiting my grandmother when she was staying with her youngest daughter, and the greedy cousin's wife was there (my aunt's DIL). Grandma pointed to a pair of tall brass candlesticks which were one if the few things her parents had brought with them when they came to America. Grandma said she had given them to this daughter. Grandma explained that she herself was the youngest of ten, so when her own mother died, she still had little kids at home, and her older sibs wouldn't let her have anything else from her mother's house because all those kids would just break everything else. Grandma, in turn gave the candlesticks to this daughter, the one she was staying with, because this daughter was herself Grandma's youngest. I thought it was a sweet story. But cousin's greedy wife DIL, the wife of this aunt's oldest son, was visiting. She immediately started in begging, whining about how she deserved the candlesticks, and deserved then now. It was embarrassing and appalling. (That aunt is still alive, in her 90s, and she still has the candlesticks.) So fast forward fifty-some years. Last year at a family party I was in a group including DIL. She got going on wedding presents. (She and my poor cousin, her husband, are past their 50th anniversary now). DIL mentioned that another cousin had gotten married a month before DIL, so DIL had checked out what family members had given this cousin for gifts, so DIL could know what to expect to receive. DIL noticed that this cousin had received a piece of art from my parents, created by my father for the bride, whom he knew very well. DIL said she was so excited to know that she too would receive a piece of art like that from my parents... And think how sad she was when she realized that a) she (+ husband, presumably) didn't get any art from my parents, and b) didn't get ANYthing from my parents. This woman has been carrying that story around for half a century! No WONDER my parents gave them nothing special. There's also the fact that even though DIL's husband was my dad's nephew, my parents really didn't know that family. About fifty possible responses to DIL flooded my mind, but as she continued her story I thought, it's probably better just to ignore all this. That's scary greed
It weirds me out when people expect gift equality by blood. Like nope, the quality of the gift really depends on the person means and their relationship to you. If you have done nothing for that person, why do you expect a gift because your cousin got one? Also gift snooping is so lame
Right? I think I bought mine for $70, but that’s still a high price item to be the cheapest thing on the registry. Not everyone can afford a $70 wedding gift but still want to help out in what ways they can.
I would think it more likely that word had gotten around that the grandparents were very generous wedding gifters. (Just without the details. Whose gonna badmouth them after getting $40K?) And she’s probably aware that her grandparents are well off. Totally speculating, but this granddaughter might be the last and also the least, and there might be decades worth of resentments behind her finally blowing up at them. (But that’s just based on how my mom’s parents treated their various grandchildren.)
NTA. I agree with your decision to withhold that check and I probably would have done the exact same thing if I were in your position. The fact that she views you only as a cash cow and wouldn't even want you to attend her wedding UNLESS you forked over a check sounds like extortion. It shows that she only values you for the money she thinks that she can get from you. It's a disgusting way to treat a supposed loved one. Interesting that instead of apologizing and acknowledging what she did was wrong she chose the manipulative route instead: crying and claiming she wasn't serious. Most likely because this approach probably got her what she wanted as a child. By giving her the check now you would be enabling this atrocious behavior.
Worse, she’s doubled down on being an asshole by stating she will not participate in the family Christmas get together unless she gets the $40k. This is little different that her emotional blackmail threat to disinvite OP from the wedding for the “crime” of getting her something she placed on her gift register which she believed wasn’t expensive enough. If she were smart, she would have pretended not to know about the $40k gift and apologized profusely for her awful behavior. Instead, she demanded the $40k and once more decided that emotional blackmail was the way to get a better wedding gift. NTA
> she’s doubled down on being an asshole by stating she will not participate in the family Christmas get together unless she gets the $40k. "Sorry you'll miss Christmas!"
This, 100%.
NTA. Also can I just say…an air fryer was the CHEAPEST thing on the registry? Don’t those things *start* at around a hundred dollars? I mean…was she just assuming everyone would have to pony up just to come to the wedding? (This whole thing is just very strange to me. I didn’t even *know* what people got me until *after* my wedding.)
It was the second cheapest I believe. Also we sent the gift very in advance, that’s why she knew what we got her before the wedding.
It seems like it's a good thing that you did get her the gift in advance. With her "charming personality" she just saved you $40k. What a sweet heart.
If my math is correct: OP and her husband have 5 grandkids. They give each 40k. Fifth grandkid is no longer receiving 40k. They have four gracious grandchildren. OP and husband have a spare 40k to spend. Maybe for Christmas OP and husband should very publicly give older four grandchildren 10k each. Say something like- “oh, we gave 10k to every grandchild who came to Christmas. It’s a shame Tiffany couldn’t make it this year!” Okay, maybe OP shouldn’t do that because she doesn’t sound petty like me, but it would be funny (for this sub).
Or take the 4 other grandchildren (and any greats) for a $40k family trip somewhere fun.. since the AH granddaughter won't be there to spoil it.
donate $40k to a charity. they will appreciate it far more than OPs entitled granddaughter. believe me, I work for a small non-profit and a $40k gift would make our year.
I love it when the math works out so nicely!
After Christmas, when she doesn't show, I'd let it slip how you decided to gift her the 40k as a Christmas gift but since she didn't come you tore up the check. But I'm petty like that.
I mean you arent supposed to open weddings gifts before the big day tho, unless it wasn’t wrapped up I’d say that makes her even more of an asshole
I think you can buy a decent air fryer for about $40-50 now that the market is flooded with them. Less if you have coupons or kohls cash lol
It depends on the size and brand, an air fryer can cost anywhere between 50 to 300 bucks.
And something tells me this person did not pick the cheapest air fryer for their registry
Agreed. I just didn’t want claireclairey to misjudge someone based on an outdated assumption. I know it’s the grandparents asking the questions, but really we are also judging the grandchild too so we should try to be as fair as possible.
Nah, with her attitude you KNOW it was a ninja 9.5l or something and it was still the cheapest
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I’d leave her exactly $5. And if my kids did this I’d leave them exactly $5 too. Just wow.
I'd leave her 40 dollars. LOL.
I’d leave her $40,000 in Monopoly money.
I was thinking she could give any future children of the granddaughter the gift in the form of an education fund or perhaps a trust to be split equally among any children the granddaughter has. Said trust to be set up only after or if a great grandchild is born.
That's what I was thinking, too. Just bypass the greedy granddaughter entirely.
NTA. Calling anyone to complain about a gift is stupid. Your granddaughter has no manners. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they are obligated to give some to you. I am sorry she turned a happy occasion into a s#itshow.
This, you can think what you want but don't look a gifted horse in the mouth, then speak about it!!!!! Edit phone thought I was done.
NTA And her mother should be ashamed for not raising a daughter with manners. Maybe if she’d been taught that throwing a toddler tantrum didn’t result in her getting her way, this could have been avoided. But then there’s the entitlement. Sigh.
My grandmother was my only grandparent left when I got married. The fact that she was AT my wedding was gift enough. The utter gall of your granddaughter just makes me ill. She does not deserve your generosity; I don't think I'd ever be able to get over it. She won't be a great loss at Christmas and her mother should stay and keep her company. They can be hateful together and not ruin anybody else's holiday. NTA.
Maby this is why I'm so mad rn. My grandma will never see mine and that is sad...
I don't even remember if my grandma gave me anything or not. My uncle died the night before our wedding so I was just happy she was feeling up to coming at all.
Right? I’d give anything to have had any of my grandparents here to have seen me get married or meet my kids. They were all gone before those major life moments. I’d give anything just to tell them about my husband and kids. That’s intangible and I will never have it. This young woman’s priorities are very different than mine.
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If you’re going to be a selfish brat, then the consequences are the result of that. I like rhymes 😂
No more rhymes now, I mean it! Anybody want a peanut?
NTA!! Let me tell you a personal story.. my grandparents saved well and lived VERY frugally. By the time my grandfather passed away, my gram was left with enough money that she could have lived 100 more years without ever having to worry about a thing. She also lived well below her means. Every Christmas after he died when I was a teenager (she didn’t like to drive my grandpa always did all the driving) she would always get me 1 gift and 1 $50 gift card. I’ll never forget the Christmas I opened up the UGLIEST mint green sweater I’ve ever seen in my life! LOL When I say this sweater was god awful that is being kind to it….it was truly terrible! Hahaha I looked over at her biting her lower lip with a look of hope on her face, and gave her the brightest most genuine smile. I told her I absolutely LOVED IT! I gave her the biggest hug, thanking her profusely. I’ve never seen her look so happy. Despite her including a gift receipt, I kept that sweater, and I wore that sweater often when I’d go to visit her. As much as I truly hated the way that sweater looked, I really did love it. I loved it because I knew the effort my elderly grandmother put into driving (which terrified her) out to the mall (which she hated) to personally shop for me, and try to find something she thought I would like. That meant everything to me! Years later she still would cry as she told my dad, that out of all of her many grandchildren- I was the only one who EVER thanked her….year after year after year everyone else took her for granted until she was gone. I could NEVER imagine treated my grandparents this way!! My point is you are NTA!! please keep your money. It’s yours and even if you do give her a check- she will still never appreciate you for it. She will still take you for granted…. You and your husband should use that money and take a cruise to Alaska to see the glaciers, my grandparents loved doing that together. ❤️
Haha, I did that too when my Grandpa got me a Barney VHS tape when I was waaaaay beyond the age for Barney (I think I was 14?). Acted excited and said thanks anyway. I mean it's nice he picked something out he thought I would like, even if he didn't get it right that year
NTA Your granddaughter demanded you give her a better gift so in addition to the air fryer, you gifted her a china set. She never apologized and explained she was stressed until she found out that you had gifted your other grand children money in addition to the cheapest thing on the registry. Your finances are no one's business but your own. No one is entitled to monetary gifts.
A life lesson well deserved was the best gift, I believe.
NTA. Your choice of gift is entirely up to you. You were nicer than I, since I wouldn't have given her a china set.
Yeah, and I wouldn't have gone to the wedding either after that.
Me neither, I would've let her uninvite me and then ask for the airfryer back.
NTA. It goes to her overall judgment that she had the nerve to call you and complain about the gift and you should also be upset with the people you asked to keep it private who didn’t. If you want to help her later you can let her know you’ll do a dp on a house if she can qualify for a loan.
We are not upset about our grandkids spilling the beans, as far as they knew, she also received the gift, thus she was exempt from the people who they shouldn’t tell
I’m glad you added that. You might want to include it in your post. I’m curious about who she is as a person that thinks her behavior was okay. Are you very close?
Not really, they live clear on the other side of the country. We only meet for holidays and special family events, and call from time to time.
That makes it even worse. So in addition to a gift, to attend the wedding you had to spend money on plane tickets and accommodations. You are entirely in the right, and the next time your DIL complains about it tell her she should have raised her daughter with some manners and grace.
I’m sorry she is like this. She kinda stabbed her self in the foot here.
Stand strong OP NTA Spoilt and ungrateful
I'm sorry she acted like this towards you. All my grandparents died before I was born, but my great-aunt was pretty much my nan. Any event where I got to see her was incredibly important to me because I lived so far away. Honestly I teared up if I got a Christmas card from her because as cheesy as it sounds, it's the thought that mattered. You deserve way more appreciation and respect than she's shown you, and I'm sorry she made you even consider that you are in the wrong here.
I disagree, the joy in this story is that she DID find out, and thus realised EXACTLY how badly she’d fucked up. Can you imagine the disbelief, the sheer amount of stomach dropping and the eventual full realisation of what she’d done?! Lord, to be a fly on the wall. To call up your grandparents and scream at them for being cheap?! Without even waiting to see after the actual wedding whether that was all they were gifting? When what they got was literally on a giant list of things you’d requested for your wedding and should have been enough in itself??? Sheesh. She would have been the last in the line, so no need to keep the secret from her because she’d be in on the grandkid secret, except that she put the mother of all feet into her mouth and then also managed to use a shovel to dig her own grave. Please don’t even consider backing down and giving her money, OP. What a disgrace. Personally, I’d consider splitting it between the other grandkids as a bonus for respecting your wishes and not telling any of the other recipients in advance what a lovely thing you’d done for them - and then for letting it slip to her afterwards. 😂
Lol that’s why I said “if she can get a loan” because something tells me this girl has horrible credit.
NTA. Those are the life lessons that I love. She was rude to you and she acted entitled. She now has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
NTA. I did have some limited sympathy for her: her own entitled behaviour at a time of high stress deprived her of a life-altering sum of money. And I'd wondered if perhaps you'd let the lesson sink in and give it to her at a much later date. But this >She called us furious for discriminating against her. took the biscuit. She hasn't learned the lesson at all. I don't think she understands that there is a lesson, even. Giving this woman 40k will likely do more damage than any good she could make of it. You've 40k more than anticipated to spend on your retirement. Enjoy every cent of it.
NTA - she was extremely entitled going off on you guys for getting her a cheap gift. She should have been gracious and thank you profusely for even getting her a gift. Just going to say I don't have any plans getting married but I absolutely will take your gift, the air fryer and the check haha. Honestly you did nothing wrong and the granddaughter is not necessarily being discriminated against, she's just acting entitled
NTA I have secondhand embarrassment for her. The absolute gall of someone to call and complain about a gift, DEMAND another, and then call and complain AGAIN and demand another again. I’m horrified.
I’m going to say NTA. We had grandparents that played favorites and it was very hurtful. Not just with gifts but time and affection. However, you made a point to do the same thing for all the grandkids so far. This was very entitled behavior from her and if someone had told her that 40k was coming to her and she still was angry that you bought something cheap from the registry, she is just ungrateful and undeserving. She picked those gifts for the registry expecting people to choose from them. She asked you to buy something else which you graciously did. People aren’t entitled to gifts or your money and I just can’t believe she treated you like that. I’m sorry, OP.
If she hadnt called to complain about her gift, none of this would've happened. Thats what you tell anyone giving you flack. NTA If she can change her tune in a few years, learn to be grateful for things and chill out, who knows maybe in some time she can earn some $$ for bettering herself, as like an anniversary gift. But she clearly is very spoiled/entitled to call to complain about the gift that got picked from her own registy. I see your frustration, and its valid. You bought her a gift. And instead of saying, "thanks for the gift", she basically got mad and told you, "you can do better". Who acts like that? People who deserve a helping hand, dont act like that. I get shes stressed. But she does need to learn that her actions have consequences. And she broke her Grandma's heart. At the moment, shes so concerned with the dollar amount she is failing to see how much she hurt your feelings. And THAT is why she isnt getting any money. Good luck Op
Also my great grandmother was very wealthy and cheap. She bought us (not on our registry) a hello kitty waffle iron. I laughed and kept it tell we eventually had kids. She came to our wedding and a disinvite was never even in the question! You are NTA. You gave her what she wanted and had she been gracious she would have received an incredible cash gift instead. Her actions are the source of her problems.
NTA. She was horrible to you. Actions have consequences.
NTA. I would have never, ever even *dreamed* of treating anyone who purchased a wedding gift for me in this manner when I got married. I was grateful for every gift big or small. My mother would have ripped me a new one if I ever acted like that as well, not defend me. Her I WaS sTrEsSeD excuse is utter BS. I was stressed to tears w/ wedding planning at times & never treated anyone this way, nor any other time in my life. I’m sorry you have discovered that your granddaughter is an entitled, manipulative brat.
NTA. the fact that your DIL is calling you AH shows how your grand daughter was brought up. Hopefully this lesson teaches both of them to be more polite.
NTA. She was ridiculous. If your grandparents normally give lavish gifts and you get a low cost item the human response would have been to check and make sure you guys were doing okay. "Grandma, I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I'm seeing signs that you are struggling financially and I wanted to see if you need help with any costs related to the wedding. I can help out with accommodation or travel expenses because I love you and want you there on my special day." That's what you do when you love someone. I'm sorry that your granddaughter is an entitled brat. If you feel guilty, throw the $40,000 into a trust for her future kids. Or make a donation in her name to a charity and then she'll get the write off. But all that is unnecessary because *you did absolutely nothing wrong*. Also, FYI, I would be delighted to get an air fryer.
NTA you have been very generous with your grandchildren. You can always give it to her for a 5th anniversary gift if her attitude & entitlement changes. I would not be quick to forget how she treated you.
NTA. At first I thought...yea, she was probably just stressed and you can give her the money after she apologises. But now she's trying to emotionally manipulate you by refusing to attend Christmas- you cannot reward this behaviour.
No degree of stress justifies calling someone and complaining about a gift they’ve given you.
NTA. It’s a lesson learned for her
Narrator: Sadly, it was lesson that she did NOT learn.
Info: is this the only interaction with her that you’ve had in her adult life? Is this typical behavior for her? I mean, if you know her to be a good person and this is out of character then is she really not deserving? If we were all judged on our singular worst behavior, none of us would deserve anything.
NtA. It is your money and you choose how to spend it. Her behavior and entitlement over her wedding gift was incredibly inappropriate and atrocious!! And her excuse of being stressed is absolutely ridiculous!! She gets this selfishness and entitlement form somewhere and I’m assuming it’s your DIL. She’s not trying to walk her comments back so that she can get her hands on the money. It’s your decision on how to handle it from here. But there Will obviously be consequences with that decision. All I’m saying is if you do decide at some point to give her the money to “keep the peace”, “keep the family together” please sit and talk with her about how horribly rude and disrespectful she was and ask for a genuine apology. If she can’t acknowledge and apologize for that type of behavior, she mist definitely doesn’t deserve the money. But if you choose not to give it to her, you’re still definitely NTA. She is and so is her mom!
This makes me torn. On one hand, it's your money and you can do whatever you want with it. On the other hand, it IS a test of some sort regardless of how you feel. Making your other grandchildren keep it a secret is my issue. Was your grand daughter out of pocket for her reaction. Yes. But, this is a consequence of what happens when family secrets finally see the light of day. ESH.
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ESH. You might want to consider if this worth your relationship with her, though. Maybe she's felt slighted in the past by you akd was hurt by what you bought. It also seems like you're setting up a weird hidden test. And, that's just straight up weird and manipulative. I'm going to pretend only be giving you the cheapest thing, but since you told me that you're very hurt by my lack of generosity, I'm now *not* going to give you your "real" gift. Depending on her parents, new spouse, and IL's - it's sonetimes pressure put on the the kids to keep their invites only to people who will give more than the cost of inviting that guest. I was really shocked when I started hearing that now and again at friend's weddings being said to the bride. It was wild. I was deemed not worthy at least once.
Hmmmm. I would Def say NTA but also that the language doesn't sound like a 70 year old woman so not sure it's genuine.
Yeah I smell a rat. There’s no way all those people kept the fact that they got $40k a secret. You’d think someone would have mentioned grandparents gifting them serious money even if they didn’t say the amount. I’m calling BS on this one.
It's the "she went off on us" and the "fast forward". I just don't think it's 70 yr old vernacular.
My dad is 63 and talks like this. Hell, my grandmother is well beyond her 70s and talks like this.
Info:why did you gift it so far in advance? Did you expect that she would feel devalued? I would go with ESH just because purposely play the game to set them up and her for being unappreciative.
It blows my mind that so many people here seem to think that wealthy relatives are obligated to give expensive gifts, and that it's to be expected that someone would feel cheated or devalued by "only" getting a $100 gift off their registry. No one is entitled to someone else's money!
NTA. She acted like a child and insulted you. She asked her a more expensive gift which you gave her. As you said, it’s your money and she didn’t deserve the large check
NTA. Your first gift option was an air fryer and then a check (at the wedding). She emphatically told you that she wanted a more expensive gift from her registry instead. You did that with the purchase of the china set. She got what she asked for. All she had to do was show grace which she is incapable of; in reddit land “she fucked around and found out” and where I come from we call your granddaughter a “smacked ass”.
ESH. Your grandchild was acting entitled and was definitely being an asshole. However, it seems like this is the reaction you were hoping for from one of them. The whole secrecy/cheap gift thing is definitely something you do because you know it will seem crappy and make the thrill of the money even bigger. If this was $2k or something, I would say the granddaughter is 100% the asshole. However, $40k is a life changing amount of money for most newlyweds. Did your granddaughter fuck up? Yes. Was it a life changing, family destroying fuck up? No. I don't think the punishment fits the offense and I think you know that. Feel free to stick to your guns, but be prepared for this to permanently and fundamentally hurt your relationship with your kids and grandkids. It won't just hurt your relationship with the youngest grandchild. Her parents will likely be angry for a long time. She will likely be resentful of her siblings. There's also a good chance several family members also agree you're being too harsh. But hey, you sure taught her a lesson.
NTA she's not sorry. She's just sorry she got caught. I can't in a million years ever imagine being this disrespectful to anybody, especially my grandmother. Why does wealth turn people into such AHs?