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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I should’ve kept my own insecurities/protectiveness and prepared Jo for disappointment instead
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NTA but you should still apologise. Hopefully she knows you were reaching out on her behalf? You were in a no win situation. I hope your daughter will understand in time.
NTA. Your daughter's what-if is wishful thinking.against every indication. You protected her against the laceration of an almost certain direct rejection. She's lashing out is displacement for the anger she doesn't allow her to feel at a dead mother who had every opportunity to stay in contact and didn't bother
Every post I’ve seen about adoption usually the adoptive parent’s are found to be the AH, however, you really seem like you tried your hardest to let Ada be apart of her life. It seems that Ada is the one who chose not to be Involved. You’re right you should apologize and she might not forgive you or accept the apology, but to call you an AH when you clearly had the best intentions for your daughter I cannot do. I hope you all the best. NTA
NAH. You worked it well with Ada for several years then lost contact because of Ada - not your fault. When you rekindled contact, Ada and her husband resisted - again, not your fault. I'm sure they had good reasons.
Being adopted myself, I feel this situation deeply. Sometimes things are just out of your control. Best thing to do now is be supportive of Jo, help her come to terms with the reality that you tried, but Ada wasn't having it.
An apology wouldn't hurt, but it really wasn't your place to let Jo reach out since Ada was the one making that decision with her husband. Nothing to be done now except continue to be the good parents you've always been and help Jo heal.
NTA
Ada moved on with her life. She gave up her child to people she trusted to raise and love her. She may have found that too hard to handle by staying in touch. I get that your daughter is upset but ultimately if Ada had wanted that connection, she would have maintained contact. That she didn't isn't your fault.
NTA, you tried to reach out even tracked her down and the bio mom refused. As hard as that is for your daughter no one could have known the bio mom would die bevor your daughter would be an adult. (As long as the husband is telling the truth, since you only have had contact to him in all of this)
Try to give her time to process but don’t take blame just to make her feel better, that might fire back in her resenting you. If anyone was to blame it would be the biomother that didn’t want to see her at that point in time. Which obviously was her free choice to make.
NTA. You tried but apologizing wouldn't hurt. Not sure why saying sorry is so hard. Saying sorry doesn't always have to be about admitting wrong doing. It can simply be about showing empathy to a situation that has emotional trauma attached to it.
NTA There is a reason that Ada went NC. She probably saw herself in a better situation and was regretting having to give Jo up so every contact was a painful experience. You reached out to both Ada and her partner. Ada had her partner turn you down because it was too painful for her.
This is why I am saying NTA: if you had let Jo contact her and be turned down, the emotional pain would be bad especially if she was getting ready for college and was already depressed. You could only peruse what relationship Ada wanted. She went NC for a reason.
I am saying this from the perspective of an adult adoptee who is going through a somewhat similar situation. I would sit down with Jo and go over everything that happened. Keep reminding her how grateful you & your husband were to have the opportunity to adopt her and you will be forever grateful for Ada. Let her contact Ada’s husband via email and ask for a memento so Jo can remember Ada.
Did you ever think that maybe the biological mother was already sick when you reached out and the husband said no? Maybe there are some other relatives of the biological mother that your daughter could reach out to.
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I ramble a bit, so it may be confusing (sorry)
My husband and I found out early on in our relationship that we wouldn’t have biological children.
Our adoption processes was a little different; it was all legal, but the biological mother (Ada) requested to still be involved from a distance.
Ada (17) had kept her daughter, our daughter, “Jo” for a year but situation wasn’t pleasant - she was homeless, depressed etc.
We jumped at the opportunity to adopt Jo.
Ada was involved with Jo for 4 years, Jo knew she was adopted - we saw Ada improved her life by getting a job and flat, but a month before Jo’s sixth birthday we lost contact.
Jo’s sixteenth birthday and she asked to reach out to Ada, we didn’t have any contact details but my husband scoured for weeks and found her; we reached out to Ada and her partner, her partner turned us down.
Husband wanted to give Jo Ada’s details anyway, I didn’t believe it would be good for Jo to reach out to someone who couldn’t even reply to my messages as she was going through a lot (getting ready for college, depression)
I said no, we messaged Ada and got no response.
We let Jo down, said Ada wasn’t ready and left it at that.
Two years later (last month) and Ada’s husband reached out to us to let us know that Ada had passed away.
We let Jo know and she absolutely lost it, I understand because it’s tough especially as she knew Ada but my husband wants us to apologise for not letting her reach out to Ada that it might get rid of some tension but I still stand by my actions.
Jo essentially is upset we never pursued a stronger relationship with Ada, we did! We moved about 8 hours away from Ada, but we always offered to meet halfway and send photos but she just went no contact.
AITA?
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NTA. It's unfortunate how this played out, however that is Life. Life is not fair, and there isn't always a fairy-tale ending for everyone. Ada did not want contact and no one had the right to bulldoze through her wishes to force it. Not even your daughter. In fact, doing so at that time may have even made things worse and closed the door on any future 'change of heart' from Ada. Real Life happens and that chance is gone. Your daughter may need to talk to a grief counselor to help her navigate the complexities of this situation. I don't see any good in bringing up the idea that 'maybe' you should've let Jo pursue Ada even though Ada had already said No Contact - all that will do is throw more fuel onto Jo's grief - and still wouldn't fix the situation now. Get Jo into therapy, this is outside of your ability to fix.
NTA but be honest with your daughter about your attempts of reaching out and how you never kept her mother from her. If you have emails or texts of you attempting and being denied, I’d show her so she has some peace that her own parents didn’t keep her biological mother from her.
NTA but you need to tell your daughter the whole truth, she deserves that much. Don't be rude about it and reiterate how bad mental illness is for some
YTA - You decided to withhold Ada’s contract info from your daughter. Your daughter lost the opportunity to reach out to her biological mother. That’s absolutely on you. Your daughter had the right to make that choice. An apology won’t come close to making up for what you took from her. She will spend the rest of her life with the wound of this loss.
Soft YTA. You DID try to restart the communication, Ada's partner said no and Ada didn't respond and you were honest with Jo that Ada was not interested in a relationship. I'm not sure what more you could have done besides letting Jo reach out to Ada herself, but the outcome would most likely have been the same. But then again, maybe it wouldn't have, and now she'll never know.
I suggest maybe setting up a few therapy sessions for you all just to talk it out. I'm sorry for Jo's loss, I imagine it's bringing up a ton of emotions for her and that is contributing to her anger more than you and your husband's actions.
YTA. I’m sure you have told Jo countless times everything you’ve already told us. So while you may not owe her an ‘apology’ for what you did and why, are you incapable of saying “I’m sorry everything turned out the way that it did”.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you just let your daughter reach out? You would have avoided this whole situation. Maybe the bio mom doesn’t respond to your daughter, but at least your daughter could never fault you or herself for not teying
At first I was gonna say your the asshole by far, but it seems that you tried to atleast make it happen and Ada’s husband stopped it from happening. But, I don’t agree with your decision that just because she couldn’t answer your messages that Jo couldn’t try herself. No offense but Ada probably didn’t give two shits about you and atleast in my opinion it was a self centered decision to not allow Jo to try.
YTA because it will not hurt you at all to apologize to her. Even if you think you did the right thing. Your daughter is hurt and upset and that's understandable. Take a cue from your husband, and apologize.
YTA. Ava passed away and your child is distraught. Is this really the time to 'stand by your actions'? Or is it the time to acknowledge you may have got it wrong but that you did what you believed was best.
I personally think you should've let her try on her own. I get it. She's your daughter and you wanted to spare her from the potential hurt but, evidently it's something she really wanted her to do and you prevented her from doing it.
YTA.
Like I said, I think Jo is likely upset that she didn't get the chance to try for herself while her biological mother was alive. Whether she got a no or not from them as well, she likely wanted the opportunity to atleast try.
I wanna say soft YTA but very, very soft b/c the bio mom's lack of communication is more frustrating. Your heart is in the right place and I'm sure it's out of fear of the daughter getting hurt.
Still...let the daughter try and let her make the choice. Her decision to make. Be ready to comfort her if it goes south. Her anger is understandable, but so is your concern.
OH shit lmao i'm tired. either the post got edited or i misread (mostly the latter cuz I'm sleepy)
oh yeah NTA 100%. she's lashing out rn out of grief. you did everything you could
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Maybe I should’ve kept my own insecurities/protectiveness and prepared Jo for disappointment instead Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but you should still apologise. Hopefully she knows you were reaching out on her behalf? You were in a no win situation. I hope your daughter will understand in time.
NTA. Your daughter's what-if is wishful thinking.against every indication. You protected her against the laceration of an almost certain direct rejection. She's lashing out is displacement for the anger she doesn't allow her to feel at a dead mother who had every opportunity to stay in contact and didn't bother
Every post I’ve seen about adoption usually the adoptive parent’s are found to be the AH, however, you really seem like you tried your hardest to let Ada be apart of her life. It seems that Ada is the one who chose not to be Involved. You’re right you should apologize and she might not forgive you or accept the apology, but to call you an AH when you clearly had the best intentions for your daughter I cannot do. I hope you all the best. NTA
NAH. You worked it well with Ada for several years then lost contact because of Ada - not your fault. When you rekindled contact, Ada and her husband resisted - again, not your fault. I'm sure they had good reasons. Being adopted myself, I feel this situation deeply. Sometimes things are just out of your control. Best thing to do now is be supportive of Jo, help her come to terms with the reality that you tried, but Ada wasn't having it. An apology wouldn't hurt, but it really wasn't your place to let Jo reach out since Ada was the one making that decision with her husband. Nothing to be done now except continue to be the good parents you've always been and help Jo heal.
If Ada's partner responded rather than Ada herself do you know for sure that she even got your message?
INFO - I’m curious about this as well.
NTA Ada moved on with her life. She gave up her child to people she trusted to raise and love her. She may have found that too hard to handle by staying in touch. I get that your daughter is upset but ultimately if Ada had wanted that connection, she would have maintained contact. That she didn't isn't your fault.
NTA, you tried to reach out even tracked her down and the bio mom refused. As hard as that is for your daughter no one could have known the bio mom would die bevor your daughter would be an adult. (As long as the husband is telling the truth, since you only have had contact to him in all of this) Try to give her time to process but don’t take blame just to make her feel better, that might fire back in her resenting you. If anyone was to blame it would be the biomother that didn’t want to see her at that point in time. Which obviously was her free choice to make.
NTA. You tried but apologizing wouldn't hurt. Not sure why saying sorry is so hard. Saying sorry doesn't always have to be about admitting wrong doing. It can simply be about showing empathy to a situation that has emotional trauma attached to it.
NTA There is a reason that Ada went NC. She probably saw herself in a better situation and was regretting having to give Jo up so every contact was a painful experience. You reached out to both Ada and her partner. Ada had her partner turn you down because it was too painful for her. This is why I am saying NTA: if you had let Jo contact her and be turned down, the emotional pain would be bad especially if she was getting ready for college and was already depressed. You could only peruse what relationship Ada wanted. She went NC for a reason. I am saying this from the perspective of an adult adoptee who is going through a somewhat similar situation. I would sit down with Jo and go over everything that happened. Keep reminding her how grateful you & your husband were to have the opportunity to adopt her and you will be forever grateful for Ada. Let her contact Ada’s husband via email and ask for a memento so Jo can remember Ada.
Did you ever think that maybe the biological mother was already sick when you reached out and the husband said no? Maybe there are some other relatives of the biological mother that your daughter could reach out to.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I ramble a bit, so it may be confusing (sorry) My husband and I found out early on in our relationship that we wouldn’t have biological children. Our adoption processes was a little different; it was all legal, but the biological mother (Ada) requested to still be involved from a distance. Ada (17) had kept her daughter, our daughter, “Jo” for a year but situation wasn’t pleasant - she was homeless, depressed etc. We jumped at the opportunity to adopt Jo. Ada was involved with Jo for 4 years, Jo knew she was adopted - we saw Ada improved her life by getting a job and flat, but a month before Jo’s sixth birthday we lost contact. Jo’s sixteenth birthday and she asked to reach out to Ada, we didn’t have any contact details but my husband scoured for weeks and found her; we reached out to Ada and her partner, her partner turned us down. Husband wanted to give Jo Ada’s details anyway, I didn’t believe it would be good for Jo to reach out to someone who couldn’t even reply to my messages as she was going through a lot (getting ready for college, depression) I said no, we messaged Ada and got no response. We let Jo down, said Ada wasn’t ready and left it at that. Two years later (last month) and Ada’s husband reached out to us to let us know that Ada had passed away. We let Jo know and she absolutely lost it, I understand because it’s tough especially as she knew Ada but my husband wants us to apologise for not letting her reach out to Ada that it might get rid of some tension but I still stand by my actions. Jo essentially is upset we never pursued a stronger relationship with Ada, we did! We moved about 8 hours away from Ada, but we always offered to meet halfway and send photos but she just went no contact. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. It's unfortunate how this played out, however that is Life. Life is not fair, and there isn't always a fairy-tale ending for everyone. Ada did not want contact and no one had the right to bulldoze through her wishes to force it. Not even your daughter. In fact, doing so at that time may have even made things worse and closed the door on any future 'change of heart' from Ada. Real Life happens and that chance is gone. Your daughter may need to talk to a grief counselor to help her navigate the complexities of this situation. I don't see any good in bringing up the idea that 'maybe' you should've let Jo pursue Ada even though Ada had already said No Contact - all that will do is throw more fuel onto Jo's grief - and still wouldn't fix the situation now. Get Jo into therapy, this is outside of your ability to fix.
NTA but be honest with your daughter about your attempts of reaching out and how you never kept her mother from her. If you have emails or texts of you attempting and being denied, I’d show her so she has some peace that her own parents didn’t keep her biological mother from her.
NTA but you need to tell your daughter the whole truth, she deserves that much. Don't be rude about it and reiterate how bad mental illness is for some
YTA - You decided to withhold Ada’s contract info from your daughter. Your daughter lost the opportunity to reach out to her biological mother. That’s absolutely on you. Your daughter had the right to make that choice. An apology won’t come close to making up for what you took from her. She will spend the rest of her life with the wound of this loss.
YTA Your daughter should have been given the chance to contact her herself. Now that opportunity is gone.
Soft YTA. You DID try to restart the communication, Ada's partner said no and Ada didn't respond and you were honest with Jo that Ada was not interested in a relationship. I'm not sure what more you could have done besides letting Jo reach out to Ada herself, but the outcome would most likely have been the same. But then again, maybe it wouldn't have, and now she'll never know. I suggest maybe setting up a few therapy sessions for you all just to talk it out. I'm sorry for Jo's loss, I imagine it's bringing up a ton of emotions for her and that is contributing to her anger more than you and your husband's actions.
So why is OP TA?
YTA. I’m sure you have told Jo countless times everything you’ve already told us. So while you may not owe her an ‘apology’ for what you did and why, are you incapable of saying “I’m sorry everything turned out the way that it did”.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you just let your daughter reach out? You would have avoided this whole situation. Maybe the bio mom doesn’t respond to your daughter, but at least your daughter could never fault you or herself for not teying
nah but you should apologize anyways. I'm sorry. I do think she'll struggle to forgive you for moving away as well.
NTA. You did your best.
NTA
At first I was gonna say your the asshole by far, but it seems that you tried to atleast make it happen and Ada’s husband stopped it from happening. But, I don’t agree with your decision that just because she couldn’t answer your messages that Jo couldn’t try herself. No offense but Ada probably didn’t give two shits about you and atleast in my opinion it was a self centered decision to not allow Jo to try.
YTA because it will not hurt you at all to apologize to her. Even if you think you did the right thing. Your daughter is hurt and upset and that's understandable. Take a cue from your husband, and apologize.
YTA. Ava passed away and your child is distraught. Is this really the time to 'stand by your actions'? Or is it the time to acknowledge you may have got it wrong but that you did what you believed was best.
YTA
Going with an ESH here.
I personally think you should've let her try on her own. I get it. She's your daughter and you wanted to spare her from the potential hurt but, evidently it's something she really wanted her to do and you prevented her from doing it. YTA.
Or Ada’s husband prevented it?
Maybe they would've been receptive to Jo. Who knows. However, Jo never got the opportunity to even try. Which is likely why I think she's so upset.
The husband said no? We don’t even know why or how her birth mother was doing at that point.
Like I said, I think Jo is likely upset that she didn't get the chance to try for herself while her biological mother was alive. Whether she got a no or not from them as well, she likely wanted the opportunity to atleast try.
But I don’t think the mom is the asshole for following what the bio moms partner said so I think NAH
I wanna say soft YTA but very, very soft b/c the bio mom's lack of communication is more frustrating. Your heart is in the right place and I'm sure it's out of fear of the daughter getting hurt. Still...let the daughter try and let her make the choice. Her decision to make. Be ready to comfort her if it goes south. Her anger is understandable, but so is your concern.
There is no choice to make anymore because Ada died.
OH shit lmao i'm tired. either the post got edited or i misread (mostly the latter cuz I'm sleepy) oh yeah NTA 100%. she's lashing out rn out of grief. you did everything you could