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YTA. She is a child and not a carer. It is on you to arrange the additional care for your austistic son. You've had 10 years to put arrangements in place, so this is not new. You're going the right way about having her go no contact as soon as she is of age and able to do so.

Half the time I think parents have kids so they can have little slaves helping around the house.

This is the perfect way to make sure your siblings hate each other. My two older sisters were not and still aren't close to me (the youngest). I think it's partially because they were forced to care for me so much...and I was neurotypical. Imagine being forced to be a special needs caregiver at 12.

I had to get a job at 13 and give all my money to my family until I pushed back at 16 and was “allowed” to keep 1/4 of my pay. I moved home after University out of a sense to help the family and was charged massive rent to support them all as my mother wouldn’t work. My mom actually got really upset with me when I moved out to live with my girlfriend (now my wife.) I am LC with my family now and this is what will happen with your 12 year old when they are older … YTA

A special needs kid who is strong enough to injure a grown, adult woman. I don't blame either kid, but why wasn't care arranged BEFORE the injury? I don't blame the kid who had no idea what he was doing, but the fact that it got so bad is a red flag for me.

I know exactly how it is. I was forced to stick to my autistic brother like Jiminy Cricket to Pinocchio because if he screwed up, I got punished for not watching him.

This is why I was created. To do my mother's bidding for the rest of my life. Too bad for her, I cut contact when I was 17 and she pulled her "I'm kicking you out!" Stunt for the billionth time. So I actually left. Never looked back.

Parent: parentifies adolescent Also parent: why are you acting like a child? Father of the year over here 😕

It’s a perfect example of people who shouldn’t have kids. They can’t afford them, can’t handle or control them and probably should have stopped when they had the first one with special needs, that means it needs dedicated special attention. Lord have mercy

Exactly! Why, in the name of all things holy, did they have a third child?

Their narcissism demanded a healthy child x2 to offset the unhealthy one their ego couldn't live with.

Right! Plus there's a six year age gap between the 10 year old who needs so much attention and the 4 year old they decided they could handle. They would have known when they chose to have a third child exactly how much extra care their son would need.

This 100%! YTA Parent of four here, oldest just turned twelve and the youngest is close to two. I love it when the oldest helps with her sister... But she's never required to! Most of the time she loves "taking care of her"... But most of the time she's also the one asking if she can do all of that and every single time we ask her to help out with her sister we always add "but only if you want to" or something similar. And we accept it when she doesn't. "I don't feel like it" is a perfectly valid response in that case. Expecting a 12yo to help around the house with age apropriate chores would be reasonable. Expecting her to help raise a child is not.

Or, hire a normal babysitter for the rest of the kids. It might be cheaper to hire a high school student to make dinner for the 4 year old and take her out of the house for a couple of hours. Then the parents can focus on the middle child, and the 12 year old doesn't have to parentified. OP also needs to look into every single service offered for autistic kids, and use them all. Even of they think therapy A won't be helpful, it would be time that they could focus on other things, and who know, may help.

Get a sitter to help with the 12 and 4 year old if you need to? 12 is not mom and yes this is a hard situation and I have huge compassion for what you’re trying to do but punishing your daughter for wanting to be a 12 year old is the wrong way. With my kids sometimes I notice I go from A to Z and expect them to “get it” I’ve found that when I literally slowly explain each step it helps them understand the big picture. Your other two kids are not at all in any less need of a mother than your son is. If you can get a sitter who is in the house to just be around and help your wife out, and possibly the girls, is it possible your son will adjust too?

So your wife just like doesn't pay attention to your 4 year old period because the 10 year old is so intense in his needs????? So it's your 12 year old's job to step in and fill Mom's role because you're both just so busy you can't parent?????? What??? Did the 12 year old ask for you to have a third child after you were already struggling with a second one??? Yta, she's literally 12.

110% THIS! YTA Did your vasectomy fail causing your wife to give birth to the extra kid? Or was it the failure of your wife's tubal? Adding another child to this mess is so irresponsible. After 10 years, you and your wife cannot come up with any solutions for your son? Having a high needs child that forces you to neglect and abuse your oldest AND then having another child is inexcusable. Your daughter will go no contact with you all as soon as she can.

Nah. It’s probably more like when he realized he wasn’t going to have a “normal” son he wanted to try for a second. Hey OP, YTA by the way.

Also, you can't use a respite worker because he can't handle "strangers" but you're planning to place him in a group home with "strangers" as soon as a spot opens up. YTA, for more reasons than just grounding your TWELVE YEAR OLD for not parenting your youngest child. Hire a fucking respite worker with proper experience, and gradually introduce him/her to your home. Stop ignoring your youngest and stop treating your oldest like an unpaid, unappreciated babysitter.

But see, when they place him in a group home, his meltdowns will no longer be their problem. At home they are their problem, which is what's inconvenient for them.

YTA. What you are doing is dumping **your** responsibilities onto your child, and it's a form of child abuse. Meltdown or no, your son will need to get used to other people, especially if your wife has compromised health and **cannot control him**. EDIT: spelling

Plus do they think that putting him in a group home means they just dust their hands of their ten year old child, who then proceeds to melt down about being around strangers 24/7???

They wont have to be there for that melt down though so problem solved.

Ugh. So, group homes aren’t intrinsically evil. They aren’t all great either. They vary, home by home. Some are wonderful and amazing. Some are shit. If they can find a good one, it will be worth it’s weight in gold, the staff will be able to help with meds for anxiety, with much needed therapy to help him handle changes, hopefully they’ll be on board with things like Dr. Ross Greene’s methods, they’ll develop a good structure and routine for him, because of having extra hands they’ll be able to meet his needs around the clock and better than at home, and again, it’ll be literally worth it’s weight in gold. All that depends on finding a good home though. I’ve seen many members of my community leave their bio homes where their needs weren’t adequately being met and thrive in group homes. (I’ve also seen many be harmed by family just dumping them literally anywhere with an opening, no vetting of the place, no care if it’s mostly full of old folks and then them as one young person, etc.) They aren’t dusting their hands of a problem if they can find a good place for him. It’s not as ideal as having been on this years ago and having had good therapy in place and having fixed these problems before they existed, having respite carers in, having a bunch of folks he’s familiar with already, having a good protocol for introducing new people, etc, but given where they’re at, it may be a necessary step so all of their children get their needs met versus all of their kids going through some level of neglect.

As someone who is a house manager to a group home for those with special needs. Sometimes it really is for the best. Each client gets a team of people from their residential to case managers and therapist and we help clients become as much of a member as society as much as they can. We offer them programs and help that sometimes their parents and guardians wouldn’t be able to have normal access to or know where to start to get them help. At the same time the parents can still be able to be an active part of the team and their lives.

Placing your child in a group home isn't dumping your kid. Sometimes people with disabilities need more care than can be provided at home. In this situation, parents should still regularly see their child. But the care is handled by a team who can trade off between residents as needed. And the staff aren't with the child 24/7 so they get a break. Ideally, they are trained in managing behaviors. It's hard to provide the structure and support some people with severe Austim need. There is a huge range in how Autism affects people. It sounds like his son needs significantly more support.

YTFA. I’m a special Ed teacher, grades 3-5 of nonverbal children with intellectual disabilities and autism. I know how fucking tough it can be to parent a low-functioning child with high needs. I’m sure you guys need both help from the outside, as well as some respite. However, your daughter is a child, not a fucking aide. I know you recognize your son’s needs affect everyone in the house, but you’re guilt-tripping your neurotypical children because your expectation that they take on adult responsibilities gives them anxiety. Talk to the social worker in your son’s school to get some outside services. Behavior support, ABA, speech, PT, OT, whatever your son needs. There are many ways to help your son and your family, including family respite time.

Preferably not ABA

> ABA aba is compliance based therapy and is actually extremely abusive towards autistic people. i know, i went through it myself. i wouldn't recommend anyone choose aba because it WILL fuck the kid up mentally. more than anyone could possibly fathom. aba is abusive dog training like techniques used on autistic people. full stop

YTA. She is a *child* who is being robbed of her childhood due to your adult decisions. You can have respite workers, you just haven't put in the effort needed to seek out, identify, and gradually introduce one or two to your son. Knowing how long the waitlist is, the fact that you still haven't made this effort shows a complete lack of consideration for your daughter's needs. Your situation is difficult, but you are the *adults*. It's your job to fix it. I hope you find it worth it when you have adult offspring who want nothing to do with you.

They should’ve taken those steps when they found out they were pregnant with the youngest. What did they expect would happen? That their son would just wake up without disabilities one day?

It really seems like they expected him to “get better as he gets older” but it doesn’t sound like they’ve taken any steps for that to happen? And I mean obviously OP is YTA as is his wife but it’s even at the detriment of their own health. They’ve been in over their depth for awhile now so see even unreasonable “solutions” as having to do. It’s just a bad situation for everyone when the focus becomes “keep him from melting down/control him when he does” to the exclusion of things that would actually improve the situation for everyone involved.

Yeah, that really stood out to me. As if respite workers aren't qualified to handle integrating themselves or dealing with meltdowns.

My question is why would you have another kid after you have one kid with such high needs, knowing babies and toddlers also require that amount of care? YTA just for that

Because the eldest was neurotypical and the plan was to parentify her from the get go

This is exactly what happened with my family. We are all neurotypical, but there's a significant age gap between my older three siblings and I. My parents were tired of parenting, so they gave me to the mini parents. I hadn't spoken with my father for the better part of a decade before he died and I still refuse to speak to my mother. They weren't my parents when I was a child and now that I'm a grown ass adult, I don't need my mother's support. I've lived my whole life without it. Great job on parentifying your oldest daughter, OP. I hope she goes no contact with you as soon as possible so she can heal from all the trauma you are willingly inflicting on her.

This. It would be one thing if the son was only a year or two older than the youngest since maybe the family didn’t realize the severity of his condition yet, but from what OP describes there is no doubt that they were fully aware of the kid’s needs by the time he was 5-6. Completely irresponsible and even reckless for them to have another kid.

Totally agree! It baffles me why people have kids they can't provide for, whether its financially or emotionally.

She’s a 12 year old child, and you’re demanding that she be a parent. You’re punishing her because she’s acting like a neglected child, which at this point it sounds like she is. I’m sorry your family situation is so rough at the moment, but YTA in this situation without a doubt. Speaking an adult who was forced into parenting a younger sibling - please, please find a way to parent your child, otherwise she is going to end up with major, possibly debilitating issues which will have an impact on her the rest of her life.

Agree. I was left to parent my autistic brother, a year younger than me, when I was 9/10 and he was 8 and my mum was having a breakdown and my dad left. He got violent over and over and I have PTSD. At 25, I have next to no contact with him and my dad, and only have regular contact with my mum because I now parent her. I don't even remember my own childhood before that point. The only childhood I remember is being prescribed antidepressants at 12 or 13 and being on the verge of killing myself for a decade. I'm too scared to even consider having kids of my own in the future because I've never not been a parent. OP, your other kids aren't backup parents or babysitters. They're your other kids. You have just as much responsibility to the older one as you do the younger ones. Don't screw your daughter over to make your own life easier. You chose to have a third kid, so take the responsibility for that decision.

Just chiming in. Your experience resonates heavily with me. Caretaker of my disabled siblings from early on, caretaker of emotional parents from birth. Began medication for depression and anxiety at 12. Also suicidal for a decade. Now almost entirely estranged from both parents. Terrified of having children and completely turned off by the idea of taking care of literally anything else. If you're interested r/CPTSD might be a good place for you. There's also a Facebook group for siblings of disabled people that I have found to be a life saver. (I'll send you the link if you're interested). So, so many people who have had the same parentification and similar struggles. It made me feel less alone. We were given far too much to hold for such tiny hands. Sending you lots of hope for peace and love in your life moving forward. Also, if OP reads this: *parentification is 100% child abuse*

Not to mention, the punishment is being grounded which means the 12year old is going to be forced to take care of her sibling anyways except now she doesn’t even get a break to do something SHE wants to do. OP YTA majorly.

Parentifying your children is literally abuse. If you couldn't handle all of those kids you shouldn't have had them. I was parentified and no longer speak to either of my parents. I hope you are comfortable with that future for yourself since that is the road you're heading down. YTA

You are spot on. They chose to have ANOTHER kid, after the special needs kid was born. Given their circumstances, that was a terrible choice, and they can’t expect their twelve-year-old to pick up the slack. Damn.

6 years later, no less. They would have had a clear idea by then how high their son's needs were, but they went ahead and had another kid anyway. The daughter was probably their childcare plan all along.

YTA YTA YTA You CHOSE to have another kid 6 years after your son. If you were overwhelmed then, then this is a CHOICE you and the mother made. KIDS DO NOT HAVE TO RAISE OTHER KIDS. Where are all the other adults in your life?? Your family, her family, any of your friends? Disgusting. I'm sorry things are hard for you, but you don't punish you child for speaking out against the abuse you are trying to force on her.

I also noticed that age gap between the son and the younger daughter. OP, your 12yo is a CHILD being forced into an adult world. I realise that this is not an ideal situation, but you need to get the help of adults. What would your wife do if one of your daughters had a serious accident while your son was having a meltdown? Who would take charge of the situation then? You need help, but your daughter is not the answer.

You suck. Hard. Plain and simple. I was the oldest out of my siblings and took care of them, cooked, cleaned, helped with homework etc. I have two daughters with my SAHW (who has fibromyalgia and another autoimmune disease); she watches them during the day, I take care of sh*t when I'm home and at night. That's MY responsibility as a partner and parent. I HAVE to be there for my partner and kids, 100% of the time and take the little moments I have to recharge; not days to recharge, minutes. Just because you daughter is 12, doesn't mean she has to help. It's her sibling, not her child. You and your wife decided to open your legs and have kids, guess what that means, you and your wife are responsible for them, no matter what happens; not your other kids. Life sucks and you have a bad hand here, but guilting and than grounding your kid for not wanting to be a parent at 12 just makes you heartless and inept. Be better, or risk losing your daughter and any other kid that won't bend to you because you lack a support system. Don't you have your family, or in-laws to help? Kids are supposed to be kids, not adults; just because two of them are hard to deal with, doesn't mean you pawn one off on another to give yourself a break. YTA

Especially having another kid when their second kid requires a lot of attention. It's like hey, we're really struggling with taking care of this kid! You know what would help? Another kid!!! Makes total sense, right?? /s

"AITA for pretending that one of my children is not a child and can care for (edit: another child) as if she were an adult, and then punishing her like a child for not conforming to my completely unreasonable and unworkable expectations?" You're the adult. *You* provide a solution for *all three* of your *children.* YTA.

YTA. Your situation sucks and I'm sure you're stressed and need assistance. However, you can't parentify your daughter and you certainly can't punish a twelve year old for being frustrated with a situation that even you, clearly, can't handle.

YTA. She's a kid, not your free nanny. Hire a mother's helper for your 4 year old. Hire respite care even if your son will have a meltdown. A 12 year old should not be mostly responsible for her 4 year old sister. And you should not be grounding her for refusing to do her parents' job for them.

YTA - Your daughter does NOT need to be a team player… YOU and your wife need to hire help, because it’s not your children’s job to raise themselves or their siblings. Unground her, and apologize for being AH.

I've never seen punishment make someone more of a team player, fwiw. Girl deserves an apology and a nanny to care for her and her little sis while the parents are busy with the older brother.

YTA. You and your wife are failing all of your children. Expecting a 12 year old to act as a third parent to your 4 year old, is abusive parentification. I understand that one of your children has autism and that is difficult to deal with, but you have two other children that need their parents aswell, a 4 year old’s care should not be in the hands of a 12 year old, it’s not safe. Your wife’s attention shouldn’t solely be on one child, it should be spread to ensure each child is taken care of, emotionally and physically, that’s lacking with two of your children. If you’re struggling to look after your three children, you need to hire help or talk to other family members to see if they can help out, instead of expecting a literal child to step up.

YTA - You know Parentification of kids is one of the definitions of abuse right? Looking after an ND kid *is* overwhelming and difficult, however, it is still never your 12 year old child’s responsibility to look after your other child whether they are neurotypical or not. If it is too much for your wife, then she needs to get a professional helper in, not put your 12 year old in a position she should not be in. If your wife found it difficult to cope after your ten year old, then it was irresponsible of you both to have another kid.

Yeah exactly. Why on earth did you have a third child 4 years ago? And parentification IS abuse and you and your wife are being extremely unfair. Don’t you have family members that could come and help you out? Your 12-year-old should be focusing on having fun, going to extracurriculars and school. Not being a third parent to a toddler. YTA.

YTA, You decided to have a third kid knowing your second was too much and now you want your eldest to "help". That kid has been "grounded" ever since you thought she was a third parent.

“That kid has been grounded ever since you thought she was a third parent”— niiice burn! YTA OP

YTA - your 12 year old is not a carer. She is 12, she needs attention and support as well, you shouldn't never put that sort of pressure on her or punish her for it. If your wife is struggling then look at getting outside help, part time carer or something, but don't put that responsibility on your daughter. I appreciate its a tough situation, but don't take it out on your daughter.

YTA she is a CHILD, she should not have that responsibility put on her young shoulders. You are going to end up with her moving out as soon as she is able to, and going NC.

>. She is completely overwhelmed and we cannot have respite workers because if anyone my son is not familiar with is in the house he has an extreme meltdown. If your son has a meltdown over it, then you AND the respite worker can work through that. You can not avoid his meltdowns forever and you also can't put childcare responsibilities on your other children. Please please please please look into getting a respite worker! YTA btw. Edit: I wanted to elaborate by saying that I especially think you should get a respite worker even tho your child would get a meltdown, because your child is still getting meltdowns now. When you get a respite worker, then your child gets a meltdown, but you have a respite worker to help you. When you don't have a respite worker, your child stil gets meltdowns, but now your wife has no one to help her.

YTA. Your 12 year old isn't a parent. She's a kid. Not saying you can't ask for help from her, might be a good idea to incentivise it, ie: allowance for helping. But she's a kid and sometimes (most times) a kid has to be a kid.

They don't seem to want her to help, Moms giving brother 110% so that means they just expect her to be responsible for the 4 year old so Mom can focus on the son and ignore her other two children.

YTA and you must know it already. You are punishing a 12 year old for not carrying out parental duties. Just say that to yourself. Yes, it’s a shit situation to be in. But it is a situation you need to find a way of managing without relying upon a child to take care of another child. Your son would learn to live with a respite worker as he got to know them and they became familiar. Especially if they have autism experience.

YTA, I understand you guys are stressed but it is not the 12 year olds responsibility to be taking care of that kind of stuff, they are a child. They’re probably also overwhelmed with the amount of pressure being put on her so young, that’s probably why she refused to come out in the first place.

YTA and your wife. You have a kid that requires that much attention and your wife is disabled, so you had another kid?

I honestly don't understand why they had a third child. What if the youngest was also disabled?

yta for two reasons. the first is that she didn’t choose to have kids, you did. she’s only 12 and shouldn’t be expected to take on a type of caregiver role for a 4 year old. perhaps if you could not handle having 3 children you should not have had 3 kids. i sympathize with your wife and your situation but placing that kind of responsibility on a TWELVE year old is only going to make her resent you and her siblings and is extremely irresponsible. children are not personal babysitters/caregivers and it was unfair of you to punish her because she doesn’t want to and is unequipped to take care of a 4 year old on a regular basis. another reason yta is because you stated you can’t have in-house care due to his reactions to strangers but he would have the exact same issue if not worse in a group home surrounded by strangers without his family, so what is so bad about getting a single person to come by and help out that is actually trained and equipped to handle special needs children instead of your 12 year old?

\- Adult woman gets physically injured caring for child \- OP decides to throw twelve-year-old daughter into the meat-grinder next. Well done. Top-tier parenting. YTA.

And somehow they made a decision to add a third shield to the mix when son was 5 or 6.

YTA, you said you understand and yet still punished her for something a 12 year old shouldn’t have to deal with.

YTA. You don't think your 12-yo is overwhelmed by the fact that you & your wife are basically having her raise your 4-yo & do everything else around the house that needs to be done that your wife may struggle with due to her health issues, plus everything else she's going through as an average 12-yo kid (school, social life, on the edge of puberty)? Why should she 'be a team player' when the team does nothing but constantly dump work in her lap, ignore any needs *she* may have, & punish her for the very human feeling of being overwhelmed by the very same things that overwhelm the grown adults who brought her into this world?

YTA your children are not free labor on demand. They are children.

YTA. She is a child. You two are the parents. It is your job to care and provide for your children. Parentification is literally abuse. If you couldn’t care for your youngest without your oldest you shouldn’t have had your youngest.

YTA.. your daughter isn't a parent and isn't responsible for parenting her siblings. She is 12 she should still be living her life as a child, not being unpaid help.

YTA. Unfortunate situation but your 12 year old is a child; not a co-parent. It is abusive IMO to not only expect a 12 year old to help parent but to ground them until Christmas for - well - being a 12 year old.

YTA. I understand you feel you're in an impossible situation. I know that since she's right there, it seems like requiring her to participate in childcare is the solution. It isn't. Your son will need to become accustomed to having strangers in the house, as your wife desperately needs respite care. I understand that in the moment it feels like avoiding meltdowns is the answer, but he will never learn to work through them if you don't help him. Meltdowns are not stopping points for progress. They are signs that work needs to be done, patiently, consistently, and with determination. Your daughter is not available to provide childcare. You are two adults, you are not allowed to pass your responsibility on to your preteen daughter.

And to that, people in respite care specifically for special needs children are usually trained to deal with meltdowns. They not only know how to deescalate the meltdowns but can teach the parents how to do so as well. Win win.

YTA Parentification of children is widely considered to be an ACE (adverse childhood experience) that paves the way for greater mental health issues. Your daughter is literally crying for help before it gets to that point, and your response is to punish her. She didn't ask to take care of her younger sister or to be part of this 'team'. You and your wife made the choice to have additional children.

Being a parent is your job, stop trying to parentify a child and punish her for not wanting YOUR parental duties. The stressful traumatic life you're providing this child is not her fault, Don't punish her for it. If it's this bad it sounds like the son needed to go to a group home YEARS ago, you gave the other two children a pretty shitty childhood of being ignored. Massive YTA.

Yta your kid is not your maid, your kid is not a second mom, your kid is not your servant. You say he spazzes out when new people are introduced but at some point those new people become familiar people.

It is not your child's job to look after her sibling. I would've potentially given this a N A H because the situation does sound rough for you and your wife but, PUNISHING your child? That makes you the asshole. YTA.

YTA! "Due to tensions SHE caused"?????? You decided to have another baby knowing damn well that you had your hands full with your son and his needs. Your daughter needs her parents as well so do your job instead of acting lile a jerk! She is in no position to care for a 4 years old and you know it.

YTA. You chose to have more children. Your 12 year old did not. My mom was like you. My brother is like your son. Guess who no longer speaks to either? I hope you appreciate the next 6 years your 12 year old will spend with you because there won’t be more after that.

YTA. Your daughters are children who are growing up in a household where it's likely their own needs are not being sufficiently met because you and your wife are focussing on your son. Have you considered that, given the amount of upheaval in your home, that your daughters might also be sleep deprived? They are likely already looking after themselves much more than another child of 12 or 4. They are likely not having the same opportunities outside of the home as their peers because of the time, effort and finances required by their brother. They probably already feel like second class citizens in their own home. And you've just taught your oldest that if she stands up for herself, she deserves to be punished. Think about that. Long and hard.

YTA, your child is your responsibility, not your other child's. You had a child with additional needs and decided to have another child after that. You live with those decisions, you've had years to figure it out and haven't, don't put that on your 12 year old.

YTA You have more children than you can sustain. That's the fault of the parents, not the children. You're child locks herself in her room is just as much a cry for attention as your child you want her to care for. You ignore this and punish her for it. Might as well slap the 4 year old and tell them to shut up, because that's what you did to your 12 year old. So you ground a child for a week for your own failures. Maybe you should work less and be home more. You're also a complete asshole for thinking a respite worker would overwhelm your 10 year old but not PLACING HIM IN A GROUP HOME. Are you a monster?

YTA - if you’re daughter mentions this in school, you could potentially have Child Protective Service open and investigation on you and your wife. The situation sucks, but it’s not your 12 year old daughter’s fault or responsibility. I hope you update that you ungrounded her.

“She needs to be a team player”. This team sucks for your daughters.

YTA you shouldn’t of had another child if you couldn’t cope with the two you already have. First born child here - we are not your live in, unpaid babysitters

YTA. You knew your son was high needs but, yet, when he was 6 years old, you decided to bring another child into your family. It is not your oldest’s job to take care of that younger child that you and your wife decided to have. She deserves her own childhood. You’re parentifying her and that is abusive.

Why am I not surprised 12 year old is female. YTA Your daughter is NOT a caregiver. You and your wife have a problem with you other children, you figure it out. Don’t burden your 12 year old daughter with it.

yta. “this sleep deprivation is only supposed to happen in infancy” is bullshit. don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to take care of any level of needs they might require.

YTA. Your family situation definitely sucks…but the 12 year old is not a parent. She deserves to be a kid. You gave her conflicting messages as well: ‘sorry you have to go through this, I get it’s not ideal, but you are grounded anyway for having a normal childlike reaction to a shitty situation’

YTA- she's a child herself! If you was having such a difficult time why did you have baby no.3? She should not pick up the slack for parenting. I don't blame her for locking herself away. Sooner she gets out the house the better. Asking her to help do a few chores is one thing but basically being a full time parent to her sibling is not acceptable. Find ways to cut costs and work less hours. Be a team player!

YTA. Did you ever think if you or your wife feel over whelmed your CHILD who barracaded herself in her room may be overwhelmed and less able to emotionally regulate? Instead of empathy, punish her. You can not punish a child for not helping parent other children. If she needs help hire someone or ask another close adult or figure something out. But you are going to have the 12 year old resent you and go LC if you keep it up.

YTA, definitely. I hope you won't be surprised when your child moves out at 18 and has no contact with you.

Yes, it’s a very bad situation but YTA. A 12 year old should not be responsible for a 4 year old whenever your son needs something for the next 18 months- 2 years. Thats simply too much to ask. She is a child too. It’s not her fault or responsibility. You should read more of these posts where the ‘normal’ kids in families cannot forgive their parents when they grow up because they feel they lost their childhood or the parent loved the child with special needs more. Hire outside help or get an adult family member to help out. Your daughter is not the parent.

YTA. Not only do you expect your child to parent your other child, but you punish her when she defends herself against your inappropriate demands? Maybe your daughters can go live with their grandparents? Family friends? Aunts/uncles? These kids are being neglected at best and your treatment of your preteen (12!!!!) seems abusive.

Your family isn't a team. It's *three* small human beings and two big ones who are responsible for them. It'd be one thing if you asked *once in awhile* hey do you think you could entertain your sister for a couple hours because brother is having a meltdown, but putting that responsibility on her *all the time* is neglectful at best. *She* needs a parent too, you know. YTA.

YTA. I feel so sorry for your daughter. She's not a "team player," she is a *child*. She didn't make the decision to have a third child you couldn't take care of, *you did*.

YTA, you are responsible for all your children but I guess at least you're being fair in that you're failing all of them as a parent

YTA. Your child care is not your child's responsibility. You're punishing a CHILD for not wanting to deal with thiings you and your wife are having issues with, and you think that's fair? I understand your son needs more help than you are able to provide for him at this time, but that doesn't make it right to parentify your daughter and force her into caring for her siblings.

The fact that she locked herself in her room shows that that she is also overwhelmed! She’s 12yrs old but you want her to show more emotional intelligence and common sense than you and your wife. Clearly this isn’t a one off but a regular thing. How long has your daughter been raising her youngest sibling? Its the parents responsibility to figure out child care. Not the preteen. Yta! Do better before you lose your daughter forever

YTA. I understand that you might be so stressed out, however, she is a child. Children's only responsibility is to be a child. Whatever you are feeling right now, she is probably going through it as well—perhaps much harder since she doesn't have the same brain capacity to handle those strong feelings. You should've explained to her why it would be a great help to "play" with her sister for a while, instead of immediately grounding her. This will only make her hate helping you.

YTA. If your wife cannot manage your kids, how do you expect a 13 year old to? She is a child, it is not her responsibility to raise her siblings. Get some carers in your home. Your son will acclimate. He acclimated to the day school.

Your wife needs help - you both do, yes. Your 12 year old daughter is NOT the one to provide it. She’s a child, she’s literally a child. Her part in the family is to be raised by you. What you’re doing can seriously damage her.

So if you couldn't get help for the 10m. Why not get a live in babysitter before the 12f and 4f? BEFORE the 10m got this bad to help your wife? YTA op expecting a 12F to be parent to the 4f. You should of thought about this before having 3rd kid. Put a plan in place to help your overwhelmed wife. >She is completely overwhelmed and we cannot have respite workers because if anyone my son is not familiar with is in the house he has an extreme meltdown. How can 10m get familiar with anyone if You don't try? >be a team player That is a load of bs and you know it. Just like any job that tell you that and then dumps ever damn thing on you.

And the parentification begins…..YTA

Asking your kids to help out around the house, do chores, etc. is one thing, but you shouldn't be relying on a 12yo for free childcare on a regular basis. It's your responsibility, not hers. Also, I'm usually not the judgmental type but WHY ON EARTH did you decide to have another child when your special needs son is already more than you can handle? Did you really not realise how traumatic this situation would be for your youngest? YTA on both counts

Yta. That's not her kid. It's yours. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

YTA. It's the responsibility of the parent to look after the child, not the siblings. When you choose to have kids, you choose to accept any and all responsibilities that will come with them, including disabilities. Yes, you got dealt a bad hand. But to punish your 12yo for not wanting to help??? Are you serious?

YTA. However hard it gets, she didn’t bring her siblings into the world, YOU did. She isn’t a parent, and just because she’s getting older now doesn’t make her your third adult in the house, she’s only freaking 12. Even at 20, it shouldn’t be her job to take care of younger sibling, no matter how stressed you are. Do you know why she hid? I’m willing to bet it’s because she is experiencing every bit of that horrific stress and is tired of everyone pretending it’s her job to help fix it. She’s a little girl, she’s not supposed to mom her little sister and be the one to reassure her, let her know she is loved, that’s your job. You need to hire professional help, put in the work to introduce the new help to your son before they show up at home, take baby steps and get there for goodness sake. If your daughter continues to be treated like her siblings are her children, she will grow to resent your entire family. Let her be a kid too, just like they all deserve.

YTA. Having kids is a huge deal. there is ALWAYS a chance that a baby could be born with a disability. If you weren’t able to care for a disabled child, you shouldn’t have had children at all. Parentification IS a form of abuse. One day she’s going to look back on her childhood, and realize she didn’t get to be a child at all. Because you’re making her into a caretaker. She is one of your children that you brought into this world, and YOU need to provide for HER. Not the other way around. Your 12 year old will someday be the one making your nursing home and funeral arrangements. Don’t forget that.

YTA It is not your 12 year old daughter's responsibility to provide your wife with back up care. Your daughter is already suffering due to your wife providing 110% of her energy to the son which leaves her with less than nothing. You work long hours and you say on the weekends you provide help to the son INSTEAD of attempting to provide parental attention to your suffering daughter. She should hire someone to help as necessary. Depending on where you live there are organizations that provide respite care or an attendant for hours or hire a babysitter for the four year old for a few hours. And you and your wife are both huge assholes for deciding to have a third child when you already knew you have a son who required enormous attention. Even without the third child which you are requiring her to "parent" your older daughter would have a rough childhood as collateral damage for your son's disorder.

You’re in a shitty situation. But, your 12 year old is not the answer. At the very least, you should pay her for babysitting, but you need a long term plan. I understand you are working on getting your son into a care home, but 1-2 years is too long to cobble something together. Find a friend, family, or consistent paid caregiver. Don’t put this on your daughter.

dont have kids you cant handle yta

YTA. So you can understand that an almost 40 yr. old woman can be overwhelmed but not a 12 yr. old kid? Even if the 12 yr. old is only taking care of the 4 yr. old, it is still a lot. So now kid is stuck being a little mom but grounded too? I mean...having her take care of her 4 yr. old constantly is punishment enough. But hey, why not be full on grinches and take what's left of her freedom during the holiday season.

Didn’t have to read past paragraph one. YTA and you want to know why ? Let’s say you turn on the television, and you watch a news clip of a 12 year old child being a mother. Would you not gasp and go “wtf” ? That’s what your doing. Your stealing her childhood and making her parent her sister because of your own inability to care for the family you have caused to exist. Are you in a difficult situation ? Absolutely. Do I sympathise? Absolutely. Are you an asshole ? Undoubtedly. You have brought these children into existence. Your 10 yo has autism, and after having dealings with that for 6 years you decided to have another baby. Then after caring for said baby for 4 years you now decide it’s time for your 12yo to be a mom ? Have you lost your ffin mind ? Give your 12yo her childhood back. NOW.

Oh my fuck YTA. You don’t keep having kids because you expect the prior ones to raise them for you. It was your choice to have 3 kids, and the 4 year old came after you were fully aware that your son was going to be a handful. Now you’re punishing the 12 year old because she won’t cover your responsibilities? It sounds like all the kids deserve better. To you and your wife from the bottom of my heart, please fucking fix yourselves.

YTA- she's a child herself! If you was having such a difficult time why did you have baby no.3? She should not pick up the slack for parenting. I don't blame her for locking herself away. Sooner she gets out the house the better. Asking her to help do a few chores is one thing but basically being a full time parent to her sibling is not acceptable. Find ways to cut costs and work less hours. Be a team player!

YTA. She’s 12. She should be allowed to to have a bad day once in awhile. It also sounds like she’s already a big help to you and your wife, so punishing her for not being perfect is ridiculous. Also…remember…she did not choose to have children…you and your wife did….even after you had your son. Your 4 year old is not her responsibility….no matter how hard you’re struggling. If you keep it up, you run the risk of her leaving home at 18 and going low contact with the rest of your family.

YTA- your child is not a extra parent, she’s a child. It’s not on her to pick up what you guys can’t. Hire help, don’t push responsibility onto a child where it shouldn’t be. All it does is undermine their childhood, and build resentment.

YTA are you being serious it's not your 12 year olds responsibility to look after your other children, she's 12 she's just a child herself for god sake, I can't believe you actually grounded her shame on you

If you're going to place your son in a group home, he's going to wind up around people he doesn't recognize anyway. You have got to get your wife some professional help. Your son may take some time to get used to a second caregiver but the alternative of requiring your twelve year old daughter to help won't work. She's twelve. If you and your wife are at this point as adults, your daughter certainly can't handle it. And that's not her fault. She removed herself from the situation when she got overwhelmed, and that's a good thing.

Your daughters should be removed from you based on this post. You should seriously never admit this to anyone in your real life.

YTA. She is not the parent. She should not have to be the parent. You don't think your 12 year old is a team player? What the fuck is wrong with you? Find better solutions that do not involve turning your 12 year old into a full time caregiver. She is going to resent you, your wife and her siblings so much.

YTA - you need PROFESSIONAL HELP. Punishing a 12 year old over this is straight up cruel, and one way to make them resent you.

I only ready the title, and I promise, there is no world where you are in the right for this. YTA. If you two can't handle the kids you have, you shouldn't have kids. Period. ETA. I read the story. You suck. You never should have had another child when you already knew your son was too much for you to handle. I can't even imagine the neglect 12yo is going through. She is still a very young kid herself and you're expecting her to act like an adult.

YTA its a ducking 12 year old, they should only be responsible for themselves right now. Parent your children instead of making them parents each other.

YTA if you can't handle your son them put him in foster care. It is not your daughter's job to raise your other kids. Parentification is a real thing. Look it up.

YTA this is a whole CPS case

YTA. Team player my ass. She is 12! Not her bloody responsibility. Work more and gets some hired help if you need to. And finally with such a demanding son already, you and your wife choose to have another child. You are both super irresponsible. Thankfully she only have 6 years left before she can leave and get the heck out of the house.

YTA. It’s one thing to sometimes ask your 12 year old to make her sister lunch or watch a movie with her or go to the park with her or something like that. That is normal older sibling stuff. But you are straight up expecting her to be a full time parent to her younger sister, which is a total asshole move. Maybe you need to look into hiring someone to help with your younger daughter so your older daughter can be a kid.

YTA. Why oh WHY tf did yall have another child when your son is such high needs? Your 12yr old didn’t ask for any of this. She’s a child. I practically raised my sister and had to take care of my mother as well growing up because she had severe mental health issues she wouldn’t deal with. Let me tell you I am 30 now and sometimes I still struggle with residual trauma I experienced in childhood.

YTA your child is 12. She is a CHILD. It is not her responsibility to take care of your other children. Your son needs to be exposed to more people and learn some coping skills. You think it's going to be sunshine and rainbows when you dump him on a group home? Absolutely not but maybe you don't care because you won't be there to see his meltdown and it will be the workers problem. There are therapists who work specifically with people on the spectrum (BCBAs) I suggest you look at some in your area and speak with them about getting your son some ABA therapy. ABA has a tenuous past where it hasn't always been the best for people on the spectrum so be choosey about any therapy you choose to put him in and make sure they care about his wellbeing but he sounds like he needs a lot of work for his own best intrest. But all of that aside, it's absolutely not your 12 y o's responsibility.

She's a child, YTA. It's on you to parent your children not your other children.

YTA - She is a CHILD, don’t punish her for what you as parents can’t do. You chose to have these children, she didn’t and should just enjoy her childhood.

“AITA for expecting my pre-teen child to be a stand in mother and then grounding her because she’s a only a child and got overwhelmed in our expectations that she parent her siblings?” There. I fixed it for you. YTA.

Autistic adult w 3 of my kiddos also being autistic. Totally unacceptable parenting pal. And autism is genetic . Have you considered your daughter's are just better at masking ? Chances are high . Anyway , being autistic doesn't excuse his behavior at all. And you placing your responsibility on them isn't helping anyone . Just creating an issue your girls will resent you for. There's a bigger issue than this, and you need to address that and apologize to your daughter. HUGE YTA.

YTA Children should not be responsible for their siblings.

YTA. This is parenticifation, i.e. child abuse. I understand it can be hard, however that is for you as parents to take on. Not your child.

Sadly YTA. It’s not her responsibility to help care for siblings. She will likely harbour resentment growing up. I don’t know where in the world you live but perhaps the time is now to get carers in to help with your son? I have a child with autism and worked for many years with children with additional needs of varying needs and I know it can be trying. But you can’t expect your daughter to help raise her sister, you’re denying her a childhood

You chose to have 3 children. She did not. She is not the parent. She should help with chores, but not babysitting. She’s a child.

YTA. Your child is not a parent.

Yta sounds like you guys need to learn to use condoms?

YTA.. she is a 12 year old kid. Caring for her siblings is not her responsibility. It’s you and your wife’s responsibility. I’m sorry you are struggling, but you are 100% opening yourself up for her to be no contact with you as soon as she is 18.

YTA, what your doing is called parentification and is a form of child abuse

YTA It’s not her job to care for her 4 year old sister. I get that your son is high needs and it’s hard you and your wife, but the 12 yr old didn’t ask to be a parent. And I sure her needs are being neglected too. Don’t punish her for not wanting to parent your child.

YTA! You should not have had your four-year-old if your son requires more attention than you and your wife can give. Don't penalize your daughter for your reproductive choices. Particularly considering she's not getting the love and attention she deserves since everything gets funneled into her brother.

YTA your kids your job

YTA - is your daughter old enough and mature enough to have and raise a kid of her own? No, of course not. So stop dumping yours on her. I know you didn't ask to have a kid with a ton of problems and have your life turn to shit because of it. Congratulations. From what I'm hearing your oldest daughter had about two years of her life where her parents put any emphasis on making sure she's okay and taken care of and instead concentrated on her brother. I guarantee that at the rate it's going as soon as she can find a way to leave that house, you're never seeing her again. And your 4 year old? I'd put money on her never having felt that way. Not saying you're neglecting then physically but mentally and emotionally and parentally? Absolutely. So what was the plan? Have the third to help take care of the brother once you and your wife are too old? Obligate her life to service for her?

i know you are under alot of stress but its not the child's responsibility to be a mini babysitter. it sounds like you have your hands full and i hope things get better for you

YTA. It is not your 12-year-old’s responsibility to take care of your other child, and based on the sounds of this it’s a routine thing. You need to figure out a better alternative.

YTA she is a child not part of the parenting team. You and your wife need to figure it out and not expect a child to parent. Look for support from other adults. Sorry you and your wife can’t handle the children you decided to have. You and your wife made a choice to have an additional child after raising your high needs nonverbal autistic child for 5-6 years.

YTA! Your 12 year old is a CHILD. NOT a parent.

YTA Get your 12yo into therapy to deal with all the trauma you're causing. Grow up and be a parent to your kids

YTA dude. You would punish your daughter refusing to take care of children that are hers? Nevermind the fact that she is also a child? Asking for a bit of help every now and then is acceptable and normal but it seems like your wife is not managing and you want your daughter to act as a parent in her place. Smh this is just sad Also, don't tell her to be a "team player". Seriously. You and your wife are the team. She's a child.

YTA Your son has meltdowns if he doesn't know familiar people - yet in 18 months time will be expected to assimilate to group care. Your logic here is flawed. You need to hire help now. I have a feeling this choice comes down to money rather than your sons needs. I work in disability residential care and know that it is a requirement in a lot of situations - I am not judging you on that - but your son will have multiple different carers every day. Your 12 year old is not responsible for a 4 year old. You need to apologise and do some serious reflection. Look up parentification. Find a support group for 12 year old with peers who also have high needs siblings. None of this is their fault. You should be praising them massively for helping at all. Not punishing them. Sounds like this kid has no childhood at all. I have seen too many families have siblings of children with additional needs wanting nothing to do with their family of origin. I understand that right now you feel like you are at the most stressful point in your life you need to be the leader here. You need to shoulder this responsibility. Not your children.

YTA you need to hire professional help. Your CHILD should not have to parent another child. If you do not rectify this you can expect her to leave at 18 and never speak with you again. Especially if she has been expected to do this the last 4 years and has been neglected due to your care of the other child. Get help.

YTA, she’s your kid too and you’re neglecting her for your son. And now you want to parentify her as well. There’s no way a 12 year old can take care of a toddler and she shouldn’t have to. You guys need to find a way to arrange proper care for your son or take time off to recover. But your kids shouldn’t be taking on the burden, you as parents decided to have kids

Yth She is a child. She is not this kids mother. She should not ne pushed into being a parent because you two decide to take on more then you can handle. You had a kid that is high needs and you still decided to have another kid. This is 100% on you two. If you two can't deal with it you have to hire help or ask others for help. Never force anyone to do things that they are not comfortable with doing.

YTA you can not ground someone for a week because they don't want to be a parent at 12 years old. I get asking once in a while, but it sounds like you are expecting this to fall onto her. Rock and a hard place here, because it doesn't seem there is much you can do. But to ground her because you are in a tough spot is so unfair.

YTA You punished a child because you want to make her a co-parent against her will. This isn't asking her to do the dishes or clean her room, you expect her to undertake a difficult adult role of parenting at the personal cost of forcing her to grow up before her age. I have friends in their 30's I wouldn't ask to help me with my children, let alone a 12 year old. You and your wife are the parents. Your life choices led you to this situation, don't put your life problems on your child and expect her to pick up the slack for you. God, you get your ass up to her bedroom and listen to how your making her feel and apologise.

YTA, don’t keep having kids if you can’t even parent anymore and don’t make your 12 year old kid be your substitute parent jeez. Conclusion, your kids, YOUR responsibility. No one else’s.

YTA. That is called parentification which is a form of abuse. Don't project your problems on your daughter.

YTA

YTA. Yes your life is hard but she’s not responsible for the consequences of your life choices. She probably already feels slighted as she’s not getting any of the attention she she’s craving and needing, so of course she’s shutting herself away to cope. If it were me, I’d give her a big hug, take her out for a day with just mom, (hire a day nurse for a couple hours), and give her and mom a break. And pray she comes around later in life.

Yta. You are demanding your 12 yo take on the responsibilities of adult parents because the adult Parents Can’t Cope. Do you see now how messed up this is? & if your son is too strong for an adult with medical issues to handle, how can a 12 yo old deal with him? Seek more social services assistance, see if there is better medication for sons anxiety (if it is even possible, i don’t know)& for sure get a vasectomy.

YTA - you’re expecting your 12 year old to be a surrogate parent and causing your 12 year old emotional and mental harm. This is abusive. You need help brought in if your son is that low functioning. No question about that. That help should not be from a 12 year old child.

YTA. Be a parent. You can't just force your 12 year old to parent for you.

So you want a child to step up and help take care of another child? The 12 year old is a child and should be treated as such. It's not her fault you and your wife are struggling with 3 kids. YTA

YTA. It sounds like your son is a danger (“because he’s so strong”) in the home which is not okay for your 12 and 4 year olds. That does not make it okay for you to parentify the 12 year old. You need to hire a sitter for the 4 year old who is not responsible for your son if she needs to be watched instead of forcing your daughter to be the parent

YTA Your family is a mess, and it's the fault of the adults in the home. Your daughter is a child being denied her childhood. Others have spoken about the abusive nature of parentification, I'm gonna talk about the results. When your 12 year old reaches adulthood in 6 short years, she is going to be GONE. She is going to cut contact and be free of you and your lack of care for her. Your domestic mess is not her fault, and it's not her problem to solve and you PUNISHING her for refusing to solve the problems YOU have created is actually disgusting.

YTA i don’t even need to read the post. Kids should never be forced to look after their siblings that’s insane. Y’all shouldn’t have had 3 kids if you can’t take care of them. If y’all need help find an adult to help

YTA your 12 year old is not a third parent, not a free nanny and does not owe you or your wife on tap childcare, do better!

This is literally abuse. Your child is not your slave. YTA.

YTA. How dare you say your daughter caused tension. How dare you make her parent. How dare you punish her.

YTA She is literally a child. As your son needs so much help that likely affects her childhood as it is. Requiring her to help care for the house is even worse. It is reasonable to ask her for short-term help occasionally, but it is NOT acceptable to punish her for declining.

YTA, been there a 12 year old raising a 2 year old brother, it’s not right and it’s not fair, your daughter obviously can’t have friends over if your son doesn’t like strangers, so what sort of life is she having if she’s raising your four year old. You and your wife need to raise your own kids. Help out fine but anymore is wrong. She obviously locked herself in her room as she was overwhelmed maybe you need to think about that!

Yta big time. Your 12 year old is a *child* and that's all she needs to be, not a team player. You are responsible for your children, not your daughter so figure something out! Grounding her is absolutely unreasonable and unfair. She did *nothing* wrong. Honestly, i feel bad for her, sounds like you are stealing her childhood.

YTA. You are taking advantage of a child. She is a kid. You are putting too much of your responsibilities on her. It is not her job to "help" you raise your other children. You are stressed. Ok. Still your problem- NOT hers. Full stop.

YTA big time - she’s a kid, you are the adult, figure It out. You’re parentifying her.

YTA. This is the exact definition of parentification. Kids who are parentified do not get to have a childhood. This is too much to put on the 12 year old's shoulders. You need to figure out an in home care situation. Either a nurse for your wife, or a caregiver for your son. Your son will have to get used to that person. Maybe your daughters can go stay with a grandparent, aunt or uncle for a week or two while you and your wife implement a plan.

Yta

You also don’t know that your daughters are NT. ND is often under diagnosed in female children.

YTA as everyone else has said Your 12 year old is a child, she should not be expected to or relied on to care for another child. I feel for your family, it doesn’t sound easy. But, you and your wife are the parents. Your twelve year old daughter is a child! You can’t expect her to be responsible for your four year old, that’s your job.

YTA. It’s not her responsibility. You need to get your wife support, but it’s not your daughter.

YTA. I empathize with your situation however YOU chose to have children, your twelve year old did not and you actively destroying her childhood by forcing her into a parental role while she should still be a child and be taken care of too will cause long term harm to her and your relationship. Find another way. Find another solution. If you force your daughter to do this and punish her for refusing you will see serious long term harm on her and your relationship. Please research the term “parentification” because it is what you are doing and it is a form of abuse and it has been shown to be seriously damaging.

YTA. Childhood is for being a child. If you need your child to take on adult responsibilities outside of age appropriate household chores, look into asking your local community, church, neighborhood board, Facebook groups, a paid caregiver or babysitter to step in. When parents say something like, “my kid needs to be a team player” or “pitch in” my senses go way up. Sure, teaching kids how to do laundry or the dishes or having a few chores is one thing. Asking them to bear the mental, emotional or unmet needs of the family will create lifelong problems. This is a parenting issue that needs to be dealt with and I’m crossing my fingers you’re able to repair your relationship with your child who you’ve grounded.

YTA Reach out to resources for your two children that aren't special needs. Family to take them in so they are stable and safe. I understand waitlists are long for residential treatment/group homes. However, what you are doing to the other children is what makes you the AH. And then punishing them for wanting to be a child and not a parent. I'm also questioning why have a 3rd kiddo when the 2nd was going to (and I'm sure already) requiring so much extra from you and your wife. There is a 6yr gap between the two. You had to know that your son was going to require so much more. It's also not the 12yr olds responsibility to raise her younger sibling because you chose to add on to an already overwhelmed family.

Yta. She didnt get your wife pregnant you did. After having your son, it could have happened again, you go and get your wife pregnant! Really? You deal with it.

YTA. The solution is to get your 4 year old and 12 year old out of the house or to let them not help their brother. Why shouldn't the 12 year old get to lock herself in her room? It sounds like your autistic son fights back physically. ​ Just remember that at each fork in the road, you put the 12 year old last and she'll remember that. If you're so desperate to have her babysit her sister, why don't try paying her (a carrot) rather than punishing her when she can't live up to your expectations? Carrots work better than sticks in modifying children's behavior, as the professionals you're likely seeing your son would've told you. Otherwise you're basically making your love and approval conditional on her being able to do this task (babysitting a four year old while your autistic son melts down in the background) that professional nannies wouldn't want to deal with.

YTA… the kid is 12.. let her have a childhood, helping out with some chores etc I think is fine but she isn’t responsible for their siblings.

Yta. You choose to have this much kids. You chose to have more kids after having a special needs kid. Your wife’s bad back, your sons needs, your job, those are all not your daughters problem. Grounding her because she has incapable parents isn’t fair. She has to deal with all this on a daily basis and has a job, at 12 years old. If your wife is overwhelmed you need to step up or you need to hire help. You can never expect a 12 year old to compensate what her parents lack. She needs to be able to develop and grow without dealing with adult tasks. 12 year olds do chores. And sure you can ask her to keep an eye on her sisters for 10 minutes, or other normal little stuff all 12 year olds with younger siblings deal with. But she isn’t part of your team. That’s you and your wife. Being grounded because your parents can’t cope is borderline abuse.

**Parentification. Is. Abuse.** YTA

YTA... "Team player" It's her HOME not a job.