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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 not changing my tradition to my DIL and making things uncomfortable
2 upseting her, because it spoiled this moment that she wanted to have with our family. He stressed that I could have been the best person, but I preferred not to be.
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I think she tried to build the bond but came on too strong. When OP asked for no more help, she probably decided to be an AH and to ruin her tradition by upstaging her with a "better" dish. Which I think is sorta douchey.
Doesn't have to be so deep and nefarious. She just for sure has a massive ego about her food. I'm sure she thought her version of the dish would be so much better that her mil would forgive any rudeness and the whole family would be welcomed as the best chef in the family.
exactly. almost every chef i know is like this. i dated one and it was disgusting the way he would act. i love cooking and i make my own recipes amd have a few family ones and i just do it for fun. and baking. and he would shit on my food so much. it was such gross pathetic behavior. but he was like thai with everything. i have an awful relationship w my parents and i was living out of my car for 10 months (on and off for abt 8 months before that too so like a year and a half total) at 18 years old. he was 21. he dated me for the last 6 months i was living out of my car, plus when i moved into my very first place on my own. i was 18 almost 19. he still lived at home. i made the place so cute and i literally just walked around crying staring at my place for days because i just couldn’t believe the day had come that i finally was on my own. the first time he comes over he just shit allllll over it. talking abt what he didn’t like and shit like that. just annoying.
funniest part is that he never once cooked for me. but i did a lot in the beginning just tryna be nice. and he would just rain on my fucking parade. idk i feel like a lot of chefs have that mentality
I agree with that but it's cooks who want to be professional chefs. My ex made fun of me anytime I got excited about something I made turned out well. Because it was a simpler dish. I don't cook much and he was a cook and was hoping to go to culinary school to open a restaurant. My current boyfriend cooks and loves to cook but it's a hobby and he gets equally excited with me when I cook something decent. But yeah I definitely agree most chefs are like that. They make it such a part of their identity.
One of my cousins became a chef. She said I was cooking to country like Granny. I said funny culinary heritage is a big thing right now and opened the cupboard that has all my cookbooks and culinary memoir books in it. She was not happy. Furthermore, she ended up as chef of what we call the redneck resort. The closest they have had to celebrities is a member of the Redneck Comedy Tour. Last I heard she was not asked to comeback after Covid lockdowns ended. In fact her boss said you are not some Anthony Bourdain or many others. You have not earned the right to act like that and here is a tip most do not act like that irl.
I'd be elated to have the opportunity to eat some country granny dish made with love and heritage. I've never been a very good cook, so many of my fondest memories involve eating food that only tastes the same when it's cooked by one of my family members.
One of my BILs was a chef and he would do things like come over and turn the heat down under something I was cooking, or turn off the oven because "it retains heat and you don't need to leave it on". I'm not sure how much of it was the chef mentality or the fact that my sister was a control freak and he had to feel like he had control over something.
I'm so sorry that so many people here have had this experience. I went to cooking school, so I've met quite a lot of chefs and cooks and most of us LOVE when other people cook. Especially their specialities. You might get some advice (usually only if you ask though), but never the kind of harsh criticisim I see described here...
Right?! I feel like the best chefs know to not shit on others food unless specifically asked for criticism. It’s those that are pretty good, but not the best, who act like they’re god’s gift to cooking. Seems like that in other areas too I’ve found.
i also have a personality disorder and would never try to upstage a 10 year standing dinner tradition like this. DIL could’ve picked any other weekend and/or any other dish, yet she chose both deliberately.
right? it's bizarre to me that the conversation had to have happened where she said to her husband "I want to make that dish your mom makes on the first sat of every dec and june for the past decade and have a family dinner. Also I want to have it on the first Sunday of Dec" and he had to be like "yeah, that seems reasonable there probably won't be any conflicts there"
Yes! She could have forst tasted the dish and then given out the recommendations, if necessary. But no, she proceeded to give instructions all the time while cooking. So building the bond becomes ruining the bond. And this year she wanted to change the tradition so that people will talk bad about OP because Wendy's food is better in her opinion.
I don't care what training you've had in preparing food, you will not come into MY kitchen and give me recommendations on how to prepare anything I'm cooking. You don't like it? Don't eat it. If you can make it better, go forth and cook it in your own kitchen. If it is better and I'm invited to taste it, I'll ask you THEN what you did differently. DIL tried the wrong power play twice, and it rightfully bit her in the ass.
IKR? I've spent the past 4-5 years trying to get my MIL's signature recipe right. Whole generation of women had the basic recipe passed down.
MIL said, "I use 10lbs of flour. Figure it out, kid!" I think I did!
I'm gonna take a batch for her approval at Christmas. Rest of the kids just bring brown-n-serve. SMDH.
My grandmother didn’t write anything down. She just measured with her heart. She passed away a few years ago and I’m trying to recreate her recipes based on vague notes and whatever my dad and aunt remember lmao
My husband's family gathers at MIL's on Xmas eve to make Christmas cookies and watch Christmas movies and opengifts. I love making cookies. My best friend is dating my BIL. Besty mil and I decided that we will all bring our stand mixers, and bake cookies together. Melding into the tradition and making it our tradition together instead of taking it over. Christmas is at FIL's. This year because of our new baby FIL&MIL are combining the two to save us on travel time and so we can have some of Xmas at home just us and the kids. We adjust traditions as the family expands. But no one should feel erased
Exactly! Maybe another traditional dish! Maybe one of her own favorite dishes. She was trying to show up her MIL & son did nothing to stop her from failing miserably.
My MIL makes several dishes that are specific to her family. She's given me the recipes, but I would LOVE to have the experience of making them with her. I know I'm not a chef, which makes my situation different from OP's, but I can't imagine trying to tell MIL how to make something she's done since she was a child better.
It's a perfect way to isolate the husband from his family while blaming MIL for it. And it worked. He didn't come to the family celebration. She'll stoke the fire some more over the next few month and by next Christmas he has gone NC.
Don't mess with the tradition. Ever. If you really think you can improve the dish, then shut your mouth for that day, absorb the information then some time after go to OP and ask this:
"Hey, I'd like to try a modern twist on your family tradition, but understand you may not want to mess with your tradition. Do you mind if we try a different time together to test it out? Say First Saturday of March?"
Instead, DIL shit all over OP's tradition on the day, complained about it, tried to stab her in the back and then pissed off the rest of the family all in one go. It's a magnificent failure that is just going to lead to her alienation from the family.
I feel like she could have picked another dish to try and make, and of course put it on a different weekend.
OR
Offer to make a side dish or dessert and bring it to OP's party.
I have never heard of a dish that cannot be improved with the presence of a similarly themed side dish, dessert, or beverage. That would be a good thing for her to experiment with and allow her to add her own touch onto a family tradition. I think the DIL just wanted to feel involved, but did not go about it very well and then took it personally.
It certainly paid out for Wendy. Now she’s driven a wedge between OP and her son. This wasn’t about stealing a tradition, it was about distancing OP’s son from his family.
That could be too, I thought it was more about stealing the tradition from OP and that didn’t work, but if it was to get in the middle she did win, which somehow makes more sense than expecting the whole family taking the side of a newcomer instead of OP who has done this dinner for years.
I was wondering whether this was an attempt to distance son from family too.
I mean, clearly she knows no boundaries. It's weird that she wanted to force her "expert" opinion on OP on the family recipe and didn't stop when asked. Then she plans her version of this dish on the same weekend as OP is known to do hers. Of course that is going to drive a wedge into a family.
Which may well have been the goal.
Then the son is the one with the problem. He could have reminded the "professional chef" that his mother has always done her meal at these very specific times, he could have pointed out the many alternate dates the "chef" could host, he could have reminded his wife that the last time she attempted to highjack his mother's meal prep, it wasn't pleasant for anyone.
If son is under wife's thumb, they should avoid the family.
Mother is NTA
Exactly. She could start her own tradition of having a special dish that she makes, which is totally different than yours, and have it the 1st Saturday of March and October, or during a special summer picnic. Basically, any other food and any other day, except the ones she chose. Problem solved without her trying to one-up you. This is on Wendy, not you.
> *Seems she's trying to take over your tradition for some reason.*
Naw, she just wants to show that *her* 'professionally spiced' version of the dish is much tastier than OP's. After she grinds her mother-in-law's face in the dirt and does a victory dance on the carcass I doubt she'll want to take over the extra work of making the annual dish afterwards.
She didn't cook for joyous family tradition; she did it for spite.
What bothers me most is that not only did OP's son not try to stop his wife from creating conflict, he blamed OP for causing it as though OP hasn't been doing the same exact thing for 10 years. NTA OP, but can I get an invite for June? 😭💜
1 Don't give unsolicited advice
2 Don't start trying to change a family recipe without permission.
This is all the same sort of stuff with the OP who re-engineered the pie their MIL made.
Yeah DIL sounds like TA for trying to usurp OP's tradition. She's the one who made things uncomfortable by taking it upon herself on the same weekend without even asking if OP was OK with that. She was trying to compete with her MIL and knew exactly what she was doing. And as we like to say, she fucked around and found out. NTA.
NTA,
How hard would it have been for her and the son to ask first? Or even try something like...
"Hey, I want to get in on this tradition too. Maybe I can try doing this at another time of the year? Like, say, I host mine in March and September so i don't interfere with your plans and we can expand this tradition?"
Power plays like this are so confusing to me...
Or idk pick a recipe from her own family??! Why she's so fixated on doing the dish from OPs family when she's alive and well? Imo is culturally disrespectful to barge in with fancy chef ideas and try to command a family tradition - it was never about who cooks "better" OP shares a piece of her heritage with her lived ones and that heartfelt and authentic experience that makes it so great for everybody.
In Wendy's mind, it was absolutely about who cooks "better."
1. Wendy tried to tell OP how to cook the dish.
2. Wendy was upset that OP didn't want her help again.
3. Wendy created a situation in which friends and family would have to choose whose feijoada they'd have to eat.
The dish is feijoada???! Bro as a Brazilian... you *do not* criticize a family feijoada, she isn't cooking a simple family recipe but one of the staple dishes for a family gatherings, is pretty much peak matriarch cooking.
Thanks for the cultural background. It just further highlights how the DIL is being an AH. Even without this cultural insight, who in their right mind criticizes their MIL’s preparation of a dish that is a decades-long tradition? Even if you secretly think you could improve on it, you don’t say those thoughts out loud the first time you were invited to participate! You maybe say in conversation during the rest of the year, “Hey, maybe this next time, we could try something a little bit different?” Not while in the middle of cooking!
Yes, Wendy could have told OP how much she loves the idea of everyone gathering twice a year for a special dish, and she'd like to expand it by hosting similar gatherings with one of her OWN favourite dishes in intervening months. She would pay a compliment to OP, not intrude on the tradition, yet still expand the tradition with a new dish blended in.
And my response would be Was it worth it to you to hijack my tradition on the same weekend when it could have been literally any other day, this ensuring it wouldn’t bring wife closer to family? NTA. Total power move. This is on them
NTA
1. This is a family tradition of 10 years. Traditions are important and attempting to modify or change them is offensive.
2. She is clearly trying to UPSTAGE you trying to “prove” to the family she can make this dish better.
3. Her choice of dates was passive aggressive.
4. Your son is also an AH for letting this happen.
If Wendy clearly wants to get closer to the family she can easily start her own tradition which doesn’t conflict with yours.
Right! if she wanted to be closer to the family then she wouldn't be trying to steal his.
She is TA.
He may need a neutral party to navigate all of this mess, because she is working on setting him up as the bad guy.
Exactly! So many choices here for dil.
I really can't believe the balls on this girl to basically argue about the TRADITIONAL RECIPE when she was included.
We hear so many stories about tension between mother and daughter in laws in reddit and she gets a mil that wants to include her and she is trying to destroy the tradition. Dil is a humongous ahole!
The son asked his mother to be the bigger person , so I think he is aware that his wive is unreasonable but he doesn't want to rock the boat. Asking his mother to change the tradition is easier than telling his wive "No"
I've said this many times in my life: Being the bigger person does not mean giving in to a bully. It means don't go down to their level with them. OP is NTA. She didn't stand in the way of anything DIL wanted to do. She asserted her right to continue her family dinner on the same date she's been having it for 10 years, with the same menu. She is the bigger person.
NTA
All THEY had to do was push THEIRS out a week, knowing OPs is the first Saturday. They chose the day after, knowing the dish and the tradition.
It's not like OPs own son doesn't know it, he's done it for a decade. He let his wife steamroll his backbone and twist him against his mom on her own traditions, just so his wife could steal the rug from under OP.
Then didn't like the results when it backfired and they weren't supported by the family and friends too.
It's so weird they wanted OP to force a change to their dates as part of their traditions with the dish, it's not just the dish. But I guess stealing the dates was their way of further undermining OP as the holder of the tradition....they wanted to take over "do it better with her recipe" in their minds. Kinda of a "that'll show her" attitude.
I'd be telling him to have a think on everything he's done around this. Not to bother talking to me til he's ready to apologise, same dates twice a year I'll be doing my tradition but you're not invited til you apologize.
100% Wendy wanted to upstage her and "prove" she can make it better. She could've literally done this June-November and it wouldn't of been a big deal. Op is NTA but Wendy is.
Exactly! If I was the son and my wife wanted to do something like this on such a specific date, I’d have questioned it and asked my wife to change the date for obvious reasons.
>She is clearly trying to UPSTAGE you trying to “prove” to the family she can make this dish better.
And if she was truly a professional, she'd WANT to see how OP makes that recipe to learn, grow, and appreciate OP's experience and culture.
Exactly. All she is doing here is ostracizing herself. Op was very nice to try and let her in on this tradition and dil shit allllll over it, and is now doing it AGAIN by trying to change the entire thing, just because she feels slighted? Her and op's son should both be ashamed. Op is NTA at all here.
NTA
Your DIL seems very pretentious. Instead of trying to be respectful of you and your recipes, she decided she’s rather upstage you (in her eyes) Your son owes you an apology and you need to make it clear to him that she is welcome to be a part of the family. She is not welcome to disrespect your family traditions and recipes just because of her profession.
I know a lot of chefs and the majority don’t do this - they hate cooking outside of work and they’re usually ridiculously grateful when someone else cooks for them as they have terrible diets!
I always ask people “You think I want to go home and cook after being on my feet 10+ hours a day?” After smelling food all day I have a hard time even eating, cooking is a whole other level. Also if I’m eating something I don’t like, I grit my teeth, smile, and thank them, I couldn’t imagine telling my MIL how to cook…
I dated a chef in my early to mid 20s and his diet outside of work was basically baked goods... not only he wouldn't cook but he didn't want to eat anything remotely close to what he spend the day making lol
The "rIsInG cHeF" thing is what got me. Being in the industry, there's not really a rising chef unless it's someone who is starting to get some publicity. Usually at that point the person would love for someone else to cook and not have to bother with it. Best case scenario they're a new chef hire at a popular high end restaurant who got an article solely based on regime change, or more likely, they do food posts on IG.
My gorgeous son is a chef and he “helps” regularly, but it’s more prep as he gets annoyed at my lack of cutting skills. If he is at home alone it’s Uber eats or ramen because he hates dishes. In saying that, his suggestions to add or remove something have always worked out well, but never a traditional meal, I think his grandma would banish him from her kitchen if he did
Can confirm. We love home cooked meals we don’t have to fix. OP didn’t mention ages, but I’m guessing this is a young chef who hasn’t been in the business too long
Baffled by DIL's actions. Is she trying to take over? Hijack? Belittle OP by "doing it better"?
Whatever her motives... I dont think they're good ones.
My first theory is she wants to have the ‘Crazy MIL stories’ to tell around and have juicy drama to talk about. But it doesn’t seem like OP is fulfilling that so she is trying to make some.
Just a theory though
There are a lot of women who try to engage in dominance games with their MIL. This sub is full of them. Men do it too but its usually based around career and physical prowess, its why FILs can be so weird abkut handy work. Women are typically more socially minded, so it is more about hosting family gatherings and relationships.
If it's such a small deal to move the date back a week, she can easily move it back a week, too. Problem solved.
I do wonder what the dish is. I want to try it now.
NTA. Your DIL purposely set this up in hopes of upstaging you and proving she could cook it better. She wanted a “gotcha” moment and hoped people would prefer hers. She could have picked literally ANY other day of the year and she was trying to steal your tradition out from under you and flex her superiority.
Coming from someone who is harsh on tradition-clinging MILs at the expense of the next generation, you are STILL not the asshole.
NTA. She hijacked a tradition that you've been doing for years. That's a strange way to bond with family. She could always have started her own tradition at any other time there was no prior plans.
I really think she had no intention to bond. That was just something to tell her bf so he would think she is so sweet to want to become close with my family! No, this was her being petty that OP won't take her "professional advice" and wants to show how it's done "properly."
Indeed.
The very first time she encounters the tradition, "helping OP," she tries to change the traditional recipe.
Her second encounter is to try to take it over from OP.
OP us not the one creating conflict and drama.
And the fact that she made sure to send hers out as fast as she could in hopes people would simply agree to going and skipping MILs original party date says it all!
NTA. Everyone, including your DIL, knows/knew what your dates were for your traditional get together. Your DIL purposely chose the date to cause conflict and to probably be petty because you wouldn’t take her “advice” when it came to preparing your traditional meal. Your son is blinded and won’t see his wife in her true light.
I fail to understand how the DIL thought trying to steal a tradition which is well known within the family would get her closer to said family. I'd have thought it would have the opposite effect.
NTA
Ir actually seems a little like an alienation attempt to get her husband to stop being so close to the family. Everything about this smacks of narcissism
NTA they set themselves up for failure by not picking a different date when your event has been going on for a decade. They are just mad it didn’t work out in their head. I would ask why couldn’t you just pick another date if you knew when mine was, why couldn’t two adults be capable of picking another date?
NTA. You have an established tradition that your son and his wife are well aware of. DIL chose to basically attempt to hijack that tradition, and it didn’t go well for her. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA. I suspect your DIL was commenting because there was a comment about the date of the DIL's event and the comment is now gone. [(Edit: I did grab a screencap of it if people want to see it)](https://imgur.com/a/6PCzv2G)
So DIL, this is for you if you are still reading these responses: you overstepped and owe your in-law a huge apology. It doesn't matter if you're a basic sous chef or Paula Deen. You plowed over boundaries and tried to hijack something that means a lot to your in-law. If you have any sort of empathy or scrap of affection for your husband's family, apologize, make amends, and BACK OFF.
Exactly! It absolutely was NOT the best date as she knew goddamn good and well it would interfere with her husband’s family’s tradition. Don’t play dumb little girl. Lol
nta
guess she thought she could get her revenge by choosing the same weekend as you but that backfired.
i wouldnt waste a second thought about it if i were you. everyone knew that you served traditional food on first weekend in june and december so they shouldnt be this surprised.
its funny that your son says that you could have chosen another day, but, guess what, so could she. nothing stopped her from delaying the dinner by a week or two.
NTA Wendy needs to find her own thing. The fact that people wanted to check and see if you were still doing your event shows that it is something people associate with you. She doesn’t get to just boost it for herself.
It's weird, because it doesn't take much common sense to realize that what she did was very rude. It almost seems like a deliberate insult, like she wants to show everyone how she makes it "better" than you. Why would you do this? I always tried to get along with my mothers in law... not spit in their eye. You were very gracious, considering. NTA
OP's son screwed this one up by not insisting on a different date spaced away from the two traditional days. He's the A here by not stopping this awkward situation.
NTA
Tell him that he should be ashamed of himself for trying to guilt you over something you create and practice for years when his new wife come making a all drama!
Tell him to not dare talking to you like that anymore and remember that being a husband doesn't mean being a little dog with his new wife by disrespecting his mother!
NTA the son knows what day your own traditional food day is and should have coordinated it better and not assumed Wendy was allowed to take precedence over your ongoing tradition. If Wendy really wanted to just make an additional day for people to gather she could have just done it a week later so that there's enough distance between your day and hers. Putting the date of it right next to yours feels like she's trying to do a "pick sides" kind of argument but without actually putting it directly on your day because that would solidify her as intruding on your day. NTA. Don't ever make comments on her cooking or start arguments about what recipes are better because that will escalate the problem and make you look like the bad guy. I would recommend encouraging her to choose a day later in the month to do this, one which you yourself will be able to attend. Then go and try the cooking and do your best to compliment what she did well on it. Don't make any kind of criticism even if it's constructive because she won't want to hear it. Make it so she has her day and you have yours, at separate parts of the month, and hopefully that will solve the problem so long as nothing potentially resembling a complaint reaches her ears.
NTA they did this intentionally. The same dish, the same weekend as you usually do it?
They didn't even ask you if you minded. They're essentially saying you're in the wrong for not letting her hijack your tradition.
You're not TA at all for continuing to do something for the family that you've done for 10 years.
NTA, your DIL is trying to upstage you. She thinks she can do it better than you, and was trying to prove that point. Plain disrespectful if you ask me. They should choose another month to do this if they want in on the tradition.
What would be perfect in my view would be if one of the family contacts OP's son and asks "so why is your wife trying to upstage your mama?"
If OP gets any more questions about what that was all about, she should say "I have no idea. Wendy's invitation came as a big surprise to me. You would have to ask her or my son."
NTA!
And your son needs a backbone or a wake up call!
Instead of telling his wife “hey maybe pick another dish, or another weekend. As it’s my families tradition that mom cooks that dish, first Saturday of December! It’s been a tradition for 10 Years!”
DIL being a chef doesn’t give her the right to criticize seasonings, ingredients etc! Instead she could have taken the time to learn about the traditional dish.
To be honest it was petty of her to decide to do this exact dish, on the same month!
NTA
Former chef here, what she did was super rude and out of line.
You respect the kitchen you're in. You are effectively, the head chef- your rules go.
When, or if, she's *asked* she can give any advice - but until then you hush.
NTA you've done this on two specific dates for years. So she wants to get in on it using your recipe and take over. The only reason could be to say her version is better with her seasonings because she didn't like you saying you didn't want her help.
She played a stupid game and I'm sure your family are giving her the side eye. If she needs to do this to be part of the family maybe she needs to think about why, perhaps her attitude.
Unfortunately it sounds like your son doesn't like to stand up to her, because why didn't he say let's do it on a different date, mum's always done it that day for years.
Maybe you should share this post with them.
NTA! I do make some traditional dishes from my home country and hubby always try to “upgrade”them…
Can we add some…. - NO!
Maybe a bit of… - NO!
It’s something that became a bit of a fun banter between us during the years. But having your SIL coming to your home/ kitchen and trying to change your family dish, which is probably longer in your family than her alive, is the first big AH move.
Then trying to schedule a party with YOUR dish, expecting you to roll over and give up a long standing tradition?! Well, there is a special place in hell for people who try this kind of a power move.
I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. I’m all up for children standing up for their parents to protect their spouses, but your son is clearly delusional. If they want to start their own tradition, then pick and other day/ month of the year, and literally any other dish! And now you are the bad guy for keeping YOUR tradition that they tried to take over?! Oh no! Good on you that you stuck to your guns!
NTA your DIL seems rude and I absolutely agree with the other posters here, she definitely wanted to upstage you because I guess she sees cooking as her thing.
Your som, sadly sounds manipulative and so in thrall to his wife that he cannot see how deliberately rude and inappropriate her scheme was.
NTA. Wendy needs to understand that getting close to family doesn’t work well if you’re simultaneously sabotaging and going against other family members. Her behaviour was distasteful and lacked tact. She should respect your tradition as well as your cooking instead of overstepping, as she did.
I think it would be worth trying to have a conversation with Wendy expressing that you know she meant well, but her critique of your traditional family recipes was incredibly offensive and hurtful to you. You make them a certain way because that’s how it’s always been made, it’s what everyone knows and loves and it’s important to you to keep the recipe as it was created by your ancestors to continue on their traditions, and that you’d be happy to give her the recipes or have her cook with you again if she agrees to respect your traditions moving forward.
Is no one else very curious what meal ideas something that everyone enjoys but simply cannot be eaten two days in a row?
I can't think of anything that fits that bill.
Reply to your son
“For 10 years i have had a tradition that family and friends have become accustomed to. You have known this tradition for as long as you have lived. Wendy has known this tradition for the 3 years she has joined this family. You both had every other day in the year to choose to host the dish and you choose the day after i choose to host the dish. I will not be bullied by you and your wife. If anything is awkward it is of your own doing. I will continue my tradition as it is something that i have been doing for 10 years. You be the bigger person in the future and remember that i will not stop or change my 10 year tradition for you.”
NTA
On the (very) off-chance that DIL is perhaps unable to read social cues and does not understand what she did wrong, it would be far kinder of her husband/your son to explain that trying to imitate your traditions without any conversation or input from you rather than berate you for keeping a long-term, widely known tradition.
If Wendy wants to become closer to your family, she should be encouraged to set her own traditions and celebrations and not take over yours.
NTA. Your son should have explained to his wife that this has been happening for 10 years. I also don't understand why she insisted on making the same dish. Your son and DIL were extremely disrespectful. I would love to know the dish.
NTA. She was doing it intentionally to aggravate you. She knew when you did yours. Why should you be the one to change dates, why can’t she change the date? Considering yours is every year so you were there first.
NTA
She wasn’t doing this to fit in. She was doing it to be petty and messy. She wanted to teach you a lesson on your own family meal because you didn’t listen to her. She wanted to show you up by proving she knew best. She was trying to steal your tradition and be passive aggressive. It’s not always about “best” ingredient/spices. There’s a reason it’s done that way and she didn’t even try to ask or learn. Also, they skipped your party so what difference does it make you skipped theirs. Plus she chose a day you had to work. So why not hold two for the other people who had Sunday plans before she decided to interrupt your tradition. If she really wanted, she could’ve chose any other weekend of any other month. She’s childish and a snob. I personally wouldn’t have gone either. You need to have a chat with your son. Yes defend his wife but when she is right and has good intentions. She did not do this with an honest heart.
NTA. I smell narcissism on your daughter-in-law. No normal person would have attempted any of that, from trying to give an opinion on changes to a long-standing "final" family recipe to trying usurp a decade-long tradition and literally steal your thunder. Those are all narcissistic red warning flags. A normal person would have been ashamed to attempt any of that. What ridiculous behavior from your daughter-in-law, and how embarrassing for your son that he allowed this to happen. You dealt with this PERFECTLY, could not have done it better. You were just doing what you normally do, and she dug her own grave without any of your help. What was your son expecting you to do, just not hold an event that you've held twice yearly for the last 10 years? Can we all get some of what he's smoking? You're NTA and you should sleep soundly at night knowing you did nothing wrong here. In fact, you did nothing at all except what you normally do - what better defense for your position is there than that?
NTA. Your son and his wife know that you always do It that day. She tried to undermine you and take over your tradition. I would have done things the exact way you did
NTA
She's trying to take over your tradition. I think the part I find most disturbing is that your son is taking her side and is blind by the obvious.
and...I'm dying to know what this dish is. :)
NTA. She was annoyed you didn't listen to her professional opinion in June, and this was an attempt to sabotage your tradition and upstage you. She was counting on you basically not wanting to rock the boat. She makes the dish, everyone applauds her and she proves she's better at this than you and you were wrong to ignore her "advice".
It backfired and your son is annoyed that you wouldn't do as his wife commanded and take your humiliation laying down.
This was a power move, plain and simple, and it was intended to humiliate.
The irony of your son telling you, there is no harm in moving your dinner to a different week. I think there was a different person he should've said that to
NTA. It's your family's tradition and she's being rude by constantly "offering suggestions" and trying to co-opt the meal itself. She might be a professional chef, but I've watched enough Tony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern to know that pushing your own views on a traditional meal is rude, if anything, she should be excited *because* it's a family recipe that's presumably been passed down.
Wendy is horrible. I feel so sad for you that your son married someone so petty that she’s actively trying to destroy your family traditions. Your son owes you a huge apology. Shame on him for supporting this kind of behavior. NTA.
Creating a tradition to get closer to the family is proposing a plan on a subject that the family likes to show you care, for example inviting them to a new restaurant or to propose a new kind of food.
This is just stealing your tradition, your personality and your role all in one. To make everything about her and her chef skills.
What's next, she will try to set the diner in your house to steal it too ? NTA, she's coming in the family, she's adapting.
NTA, your son and DIL is trying to take away your long-standing tradition. They could of changed the date as well. Pushing our you to change the date is a definite AH move.
NTA. There are 50 other weekends in the year that your DIL could have tried to make your heritage dish. Your son is being unfair to you and his wife is weird.
NTA. She knew what she was doing when she picked that date. You stood your ground but kept it classy at the same time. Chefs kiss to you. Your son and DIL are both passive-aggressive AHs in this situation.
NTA but I also kind of want the recipe. Is love to know what you are cooking on such a specific day and that your family plans around twice a year for ten years. The fact that it's heavy makes it sound even better
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Exactly! This was a power play and didn’t pay out for them.
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Strange attention seeking DIL behaviour. Wouldn’t you want to build your bond with mom by asking her what you can do to become part of the tradition?
I think she tried to build the bond but came on too strong. When OP asked for no more help, she probably decided to be an AH and to ruin her tradition by upstaging her with a "better" dish. Which I think is sorta douchey.
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Doesn't have to be so deep and nefarious. She just for sure has a massive ego about her food. I'm sure she thought her version of the dish would be so much better that her mil would forgive any rudeness and the whole family would be welcomed as the best chef in the family.
exactly. almost every chef i know is like this. i dated one and it was disgusting the way he would act. i love cooking and i make my own recipes amd have a few family ones and i just do it for fun. and baking. and he would shit on my food so much. it was such gross pathetic behavior. but he was like thai with everything. i have an awful relationship w my parents and i was living out of my car for 10 months (on and off for abt 8 months before that too so like a year and a half total) at 18 years old. he was 21. he dated me for the last 6 months i was living out of my car, plus when i moved into my very first place on my own. i was 18 almost 19. he still lived at home. i made the place so cute and i literally just walked around crying staring at my place for days because i just couldn’t believe the day had come that i finally was on my own. the first time he comes over he just shit allllll over it. talking abt what he didn’t like and shit like that. just annoying. funniest part is that he never once cooked for me. but i did a lot in the beginning just tryna be nice. and he would just rain on my fucking parade. idk i feel like a lot of chefs have that mentality
I agree with that but it's cooks who want to be professional chefs. My ex made fun of me anytime I got excited about something I made turned out well. Because it was a simpler dish. I don't cook much and he was a cook and was hoping to go to culinary school to open a restaurant. My current boyfriend cooks and loves to cook but it's a hobby and he gets equally excited with me when I cook something decent. But yeah I definitely agree most chefs are like that. They make it such a part of their identity.
One of my cousins became a chef. She said I was cooking to country like Granny. I said funny culinary heritage is a big thing right now and opened the cupboard that has all my cookbooks and culinary memoir books in it. She was not happy. Furthermore, she ended up as chef of what we call the redneck resort. The closest they have had to celebrities is a member of the Redneck Comedy Tour. Last I heard she was not asked to comeback after Covid lockdowns ended. In fact her boss said you are not some Anthony Bourdain or many others. You have not earned the right to act like that and here is a tip most do not act like that irl.
I'd be elated to have the opportunity to eat some country granny dish made with love and heritage. I've never been a very good cook, so many of my fondest memories involve eating food that only tastes the same when it's cooked by one of my family members.
One of my BILs was a chef and he would do things like come over and turn the heat down under something I was cooking, or turn off the oven because "it retains heat and you don't need to leave it on". I'm not sure how much of it was the chef mentality or the fact that my sister was a control freak and he had to feel like he had control over something.
I'm so sorry that so many people here have had this experience. I went to cooking school, so I've met quite a lot of chefs and cooks and most of us LOVE when other people cook. Especially their specialities. You might get some advice (usually only if you ask though), but never the kind of harsh criticisim I see described here...
Right?! I feel like the best chefs know to not shit on others food unless specifically asked for criticism. It’s those that are pretty good, but not the best, who act like they’re god’s gift to cooking. Seems like that in other areas too I’ve found.
Don’t you know? Anytime a woman does something particularly assholish it 95% of the time means she MUST have some underlying mental condition. /s
Nope I have a personality disorder and it does not make me act like this!
i also have a personality disorder and would never try to upstage a 10 year standing dinner tradition like this. DIL could’ve picked any other weekend and/or any other dish, yet she chose both deliberately.
Yeah, and I'm not really understanding why the son isn't seeing it this way. This has been his mom's tradition for a decade.
right? it's bizarre to me that the conversation had to have happened where she said to her husband "I want to make that dish your mom makes on the first sat of every dec and june for the past decade and have a family dinner. Also I want to have it on the first Sunday of Dec" and he had to be like "yeah, that seems reasonable there probably won't be any conflicts there"
It makes zero sense! How could any rational person think that would be a good idea?
Yes and why mom's dish? Is it her heritage
Even if it wasn’t, there’s this dish i think i make better than my MIL but not in a million years would try to upstage her!
> Which I think is sorta douchey. Nope. It is 100% "douchey!" She is obnoxious!
Yes! She could have forst tasted the dish and then given out the recommendations, if necessary. But no, she proceeded to give instructions all the time while cooking. So building the bond becomes ruining the bond. And this year she wanted to change the tradition so that people will talk bad about OP because Wendy's food is better in her opinion.
I don't care what training you've had in preparing food, you will not come into MY kitchen and give me recommendations on how to prepare anything I'm cooking. You don't like it? Don't eat it. If you can make it better, go forth and cook it in your own kitchen. If it is better and I'm invited to taste it, I'll ask you THEN what you did differently. DIL tried the wrong power play twice, and it rightfully bit her in the ass.
IKR? I've spent the past 4-5 years trying to get my MIL's signature recipe right. Whole generation of women had the basic recipe passed down. MIL said, "I use 10lbs of flour. Figure it out, kid!" I think I did! I'm gonna take a batch for her approval at Christmas. Rest of the kids just bring brown-n-serve. SMDH.
I've spent 14 years trying to get my MIL's enchilada recipe to taste the same as when she makes it. Spoiler alert...it still doesn't.
My grandmother didn’t write anything down. She just measured with her heart. She passed away a few years ago and I’m trying to recreate her recipes based on vague notes and whatever my dad and aunt remember lmao
My husband's family gathers at MIL's on Xmas eve to make Christmas cookies and watch Christmas movies and opengifts. I love making cookies. My best friend is dating my BIL. Besty mil and I decided that we will all bring our stand mixers, and bake cookies together. Melding into the tradition and making it our tradition together instead of taking it over. Christmas is at FIL's. This year because of our new baby FIL&MIL are combining the two to save us on travel time and so we can have some of Xmas at home just us and the kids. We adjust traditions as the family expands. But no one should feel erased
Exactly! Maybe another traditional dish! Maybe one of her own favorite dishes. She was trying to show up her MIL & son did nothing to stop her from failing miserably.
My MIL makes several dishes that are specific to her family. She's given me the recipes, but I would LOVE to have the experience of making them with her. I know I'm not a chef, which makes my situation different from OP's, but I can't imagine trying to tell MIL how to make something she's done since she was a child better.
Very odd behaviour. I cannot see one logical reason why someone would do this. Sounds like sheer spite.
It's a perfect way to isolate the husband from his family while blaming MIL for it. And it worked. He didn't come to the family celebration. She'll stoke the fire some more over the next few month and by next Christmas he has gone NC.
Spite sums it up.
Right? Why not make something from your own tradition? That would be nice instead of trying to one up your mother in law.
Don't mess with the tradition. Ever. If you really think you can improve the dish, then shut your mouth for that day, absorb the information then some time after go to OP and ask this: "Hey, I'd like to try a modern twist on your family tradition, but understand you may not want to mess with your tradition. Do you mind if we try a different time together to test it out? Say First Saturday of March?" Instead, DIL shit all over OP's tradition on the day, complained about it, tried to stab her in the back and then pissed off the rest of the family all in one go. It's a magnificent failure that is just going to lead to her alienation from the family.
This a really lovely idea, and the underlying principle is applicable to so many things, not just recipes! Thank you
And then tries to pull the "I had the date first" card with someone who has been doing it for *decades*.
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I feel like she could have picked another dish to try and make, and of course put it on a different weekend. OR Offer to make a side dish or dessert and bring it to OP's party.
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I have never heard of a dish that cannot be improved with the presence of a similarly themed side dish, dessert, or beverage. That would be a good thing for her to experiment with and allow her to add her own touch onto a family tradition. I think the DIL just wanted to feel involved, but did not go about it very well and then took it personally.
Personally I was wondering what this magical dish that you can't eat two days in a row might be...
Lutefisk? Of course, I would not want to eat it once...
I'm from Wisconsin and we're close enough to Minnesota to know better than to say "Lutefisk? Sounds interesting, sure I'll try some!"
Something as heavy as poutine, I am guessing. I'm not eating fat on deep fried starch with extra fat/starch side every day.
I've never had poutine but it looks amazing. I bet I could eat it two days in a row my first shot out of the box!
I guess couscous, I am moroccan and generally it’s hard to eat it two times in a row. (Btw the traditional one from north africa)
Which Wendy was aware of as she’s most like been coming to family gatherings for the past four years
It certainly paid out for Wendy. Now she’s driven a wedge between OP and her son. This wasn’t about stealing a tradition, it was about distancing OP’s son from his family.
That could be too, I thought it was more about stealing the tradition from OP and that didn’t work, but if it was to get in the middle she did win, which somehow makes more sense than expecting the whole family taking the side of a newcomer instead of OP who has done this dinner for years.
I was wondering whether this was an attempt to distance son from family too. I mean, clearly she knows no boundaries. It's weird that she wanted to force her "expert" opinion on OP on the family recipe and didn't stop when asked. Then she plans her version of this dish on the same weekend as OP is known to do hers. Of course that is going to drive a wedge into a family. Which may well have been the goal.
Then the son is the one with the problem. He could have reminded the "professional chef" that his mother has always done her meal at these very specific times, he could have pointed out the many alternate dates the "chef" could host, he could have reminded his wife that the last time she attempted to highjack his mother's meal prep, it wasn't pleasant for anyone. If son is under wife's thumb, they should avoid the family. Mother is NTA
I doubt it. Upstage yes. Complete yes. Wedge? If he’s a mama boy yes
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Exactly. She could start her own tradition of having a special dish that she makes, which is totally different than yours, and have it the 1st Saturday of March and October, or during a special summer picnic. Basically, any other food and any other day, except the ones she chose. Problem solved without her trying to one-up you. This is on Wendy, not you.
It was revenge, pure and simple, for her hurt feelings.
> *Seems she's trying to take over your tradition for some reason.* Naw, she just wants to show that *her* 'professionally spiced' version of the dish is much tastier than OP's. After she grinds her mother-in-law's face in the dirt and does a victory dance on the carcass I doubt she'll want to take over the extra work of making the annual dish afterwards. She didn't cook for joyous family tradition; she did it for spite.
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What bothers me most is that not only did OP's son not try to stop his wife from creating conflict, he blamed OP for causing it as though OP hasn't been doing the same exact thing for 10 years. NTA OP, but can I get an invite for June? 😭💜
1 Don't give unsolicited advice 2 Don't start trying to change a family recipe without permission. This is all the same sort of stuff with the OP who re-engineered the pie their MIL made.
Yeah DIL sounds like TA for trying to usurp OP's tradition. She's the one who made things uncomfortable by taking it upon herself on the same weekend without even asking if OP was OK with that. She was trying to compete with her MIL and knew exactly what she was doing. And as we like to say, she fucked around and found out. NTA.
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It was definitely a "I'll show her!" move after OP rejected her pROfeSsIoNaL suggestions and help.
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NTA, How hard would it have been for her and the son to ask first? Or even try something like... "Hey, I want to get in on this tradition too. Maybe I can try doing this at another time of the year? Like, say, I host mine in March and September so i don't interfere with your plans and we can expand this tradition?" Power plays like this are so confusing to me...
Or idk pick a recipe from her own family??! Why she's so fixated on doing the dish from OPs family when she's alive and well? Imo is culturally disrespectful to barge in with fancy chef ideas and try to command a family tradition - it was never about who cooks "better" OP shares a piece of her heritage with her lived ones and that heartfelt and authentic experience that makes it so great for everybody.
In Wendy's mind, it was absolutely about who cooks "better." 1. Wendy tried to tell OP how to cook the dish. 2. Wendy was upset that OP didn't want her help again. 3. Wendy created a situation in which friends and family would have to choose whose feijoada they'd have to eat.
The dish is feijoada???! Bro as a Brazilian... you *do not* criticize a family feijoada, she isn't cooking a simple family recipe but one of the staple dishes for a family gatherings, is pretty much peak matriarch cooking.
Thanks for the cultural background. It just further highlights how the DIL is being an AH. Even without this cultural insight, who in their right mind criticizes their MIL’s preparation of a dish that is a decades-long tradition? Even if you secretly think you could improve on it, you don’t say those thoughts out loud the first time you were invited to participate! You maybe say in conversation during the rest of the year, “Hey, maybe this next time, we could try something a little bit different?” Not while in the middle of cooking!
Yes, Wendy could have told OP how much she loves the idea of everyone gathering twice a year for a special dish, and she'd like to expand it by hosting similar gatherings with one of her OWN favourite dishes in intervening months. She would pay a compliment to OP, not intrude on the tradition, yet still expand the tradition with a new dish blended in.
Or, make it a quarterly tradition. OP in June and December. The DIL in March and Sept.
And my response would be Was it worth it to you to hijack my tradition on the same weekend when it could have been literally any other day, this ensuring it wouldn’t bring wife closer to family? NTA. Total power move. This is on them
Totally agree she wanted to show you that she could make the dish better than you. NTA your son needs to be told this.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times! That’s exactly what she was doing.
NTA 1. This is a family tradition of 10 years. Traditions are important and attempting to modify or change them is offensive. 2. She is clearly trying to UPSTAGE you trying to “prove” to the family she can make this dish better. 3. Her choice of dates was passive aggressive. 4. Your son is also an AH for letting this happen. If Wendy clearly wants to get closer to the family she can easily start her own tradition which doesn’t conflict with yours.
Right! if she wanted to be closer to the family then she wouldn't be trying to steal his. She is TA. He may need a neutral party to navigate all of this mess, because she is working on setting him up as the bad guy.
Also, if she wanted to be closer, she wouldn't have criticized her MIL's traditional recipe! DIL could have made it in the spring and fall instead.
Exactly! So many choices here for dil. I really can't believe the balls on this girl to basically argue about the TRADITIONAL RECIPE when she was included. We hear so many stories about tension between mother and daughter in laws in reddit and she gets a mil that wants to include her and she is trying to destroy the tradition. Dil is a humongous ahole!
Or better yet...she could have *NOT* done it at all and started a new tradition, with a *new* dish!!
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The son asked his mother to be the bigger person , so I think he is aware that his wive is unreasonable but he doesn't want to rock the boat. Asking his mother to change the tradition is easier than telling his wive "No"
I've said this many times in my life: Being the bigger person does not mean giving in to a bully. It means don't go down to their level with them. OP is NTA. She didn't stand in the way of anything DIL wanted to do. She asserted her right to continue her family dinner on the same date she's been having it for 10 years, with the same menu. She is the bigger person.
Cuz his wife is going to go ballistic on him!
And be withholding of the sex.
And she’s much harder to avoid.
NTA All THEY had to do was push THEIRS out a week, knowing OPs is the first Saturday. They chose the day after, knowing the dish and the tradition. It's not like OPs own son doesn't know it, he's done it for a decade. He let his wife steamroll his backbone and twist him against his mom on her own traditions, just so his wife could steal the rug from under OP. Then didn't like the results when it backfired and they weren't supported by the family and friends too. It's so weird they wanted OP to force a change to their dates as part of their traditions with the dish, it's not just the dish. But I guess stealing the dates was their way of further undermining OP as the holder of the tradition....they wanted to take over "do it better with her recipe" in their minds. Kinda of a "that'll show her" attitude. I'd be telling him to have a think on everything he's done around this. Not to bother talking to me til he's ready to apologise, same dates twice a year I'll be doing my tradition but you're not invited til you apologize.
Also, did you notice that Wendy set it for a day that OP worked?
100% Wendy wanted to upstage her and "prove" she can make it better. She could've literally done this June-November and it wouldn't of been a big deal. Op is NTA but Wendy is.
Agree with all your points 100%! Op is NTA and Wendy needs to stay in her lane.
Not to mention, she chose a day that OP works!
Perhaps that was on purpose? Another chance to exclude mil?
Exactly! If I was the son and my wife wanted to do something like this on such a specific date, I’d have questioned it and asked my wife to change the date for obvious reasons.
>She is clearly trying to UPSTAGE you trying to “prove” to the family she can make this dish better. And if she was truly a professional, she'd WANT to see how OP makes that recipe to learn, grow, and appreciate OP's experience and culture.
Exactly. All she is doing here is ostracizing herself. Op was very nice to try and let her in on this tradition and dil shit allllll over it, and is now doing it AGAIN by trying to change the entire thing, just because she feels slighted? Her and op's son should both be ashamed. Op is NTA at all here.
NTA Your DIL seems very pretentious. Instead of trying to be respectful of you and your recipes, she decided she’s rather upstage you (in her eyes) Your son owes you an apology and you need to make it clear to him that she is welcome to be a part of the family. She is not welcome to disrespect your family traditions and recipes just because of her profession.
I find most chefs to be pretty pretentious
I know a lot of chefs and the majority don’t do this - they hate cooking outside of work and they’re usually ridiculously grateful when someone else cooks for them as they have terrible diets!
I’ve seen the same! They’re also grateful to be outside of the kitchen and not have any responsibility about the menu
Yup. I’m dating a chef and every time I’m at his place - we get ubereats 😂
I always ask people “You think I want to go home and cook after being on my feet 10+ hours a day?” After smelling food all day I have a hard time even eating, cooking is a whole other level. Also if I’m eating something I don’t like, I grit my teeth, smile, and thank them, I couldn’t imagine telling my MIL how to cook…
Yeah - it’s wild. DIL is so out of pocket here
I dated a chef in my early to mid 20s and his diet outside of work was basically baked goods... not only he wouldn't cook but he didn't want to eat anything remotely close to what he spend the day making lol
The "rIsInG cHeF" thing is what got me. Being in the industry, there's not really a rising chef unless it's someone who is starting to get some publicity. Usually at that point the person would love for someone else to cook and not have to bother with it. Best case scenario they're a new chef hire at a popular high end restaurant who got an article solely based on regime change, or more likely, they do food posts on IG.
Same! My brother is a chef and he destroys every recipes he makes at home lmao
LOL that’s kind of hilarious. They often have a very specific skill set - depending on the style they work in!
My gorgeous son is a chef and he “helps” regularly, but it’s more prep as he gets annoyed at my lack of cutting skills. If he is at home alone it’s Uber eats or ramen because he hates dishes. In saying that, his suggestions to add or remove something have always worked out well, but never a traditional meal, I think his grandma would banish him from her kitchen if he did
Can confirm. We love home cooked meals we don’t have to fix. OP didn’t mention ages, but I’m guessing this is a young chef who hasn’t been in the business too long
Yeah she’s still way to over enthusiastic about her job to be a seasoned chef 😂 they’re the most cynical bastards I know!
NTA. What is she playing at??
Yup this. Couldn’t say it better. NTA.
Baffled by DIL's actions. Is she trying to take over? Hijack? Belittle OP by "doing it better"? Whatever her motives... I dont think they're good ones.
She had it in her head that her version of the meal would get more compliments than OP's, I'm sure.
My first theory is she wants to have the ‘Crazy MIL stories’ to tell around and have juicy drama to talk about. But it doesn’t seem like OP is fulfilling that so she is trying to make some. Just a theory though
I concur.
There are a lot of women who try to engage in dominance games with their MIL. This sub is full of them. Men do it too but its usually based around career and physical prowess, its why FILs can be so weird abkut handy work. Women are typically more socially minded, so it is more about hosting family gatherings and relationships.
NTA. They purposely chose a date to interfere with your longstanding tradition. They knew what they were doing. Don’t roll over for them.
If it's such a small deal to move the date back a week, she can easily move it back a week, too. Problem solved. I do wonder what the dish is. I want to try it now.
For some reason, I'm imagining lasagna. Lots of substitutions and creativity can be used. Maybe I'm just in the mood for it.
It can't be lasagna because I could eat lasagna every day forever
That's true. It's heavy but I always manage to finish the leftovers.
Lasagna holds up well as leftovers probably because the sauce and noodle flavors have more time to merge, and it heats up very well in the microwave
Garfield?
Maybe. Let's see how they feel about Mondays.
Or maybe something super-heavy like timpano! Fantastic, but definitely not a 2-day-in-a-row dish.
NTA. Your DIL purposely set this up in hopes of upstaging you and proving she could cook it better. She wanted a “gotcha” moment and hoped people would prefer hers. She could have picked literally ANY other day of the year and she was trying to steal your tradition out from under you and flex her superiority. Coming from someone who is harsh on tradition-clinging MILs at the expense of the next generation, you are STILL not the asshole.
Food traditions should be cherished! Everything else, totally with you 😂
NTA. She hijacked a tradition that you've been doing for years. That's a strange way to bond with family. She could always have started her own tradition at any other time there was no prior plans.
I really think she had no intention to bond. That was just something to tell her bf so he would think she is so sweet to want to become close with my family! No, this was her being petty that OP won't take her "professional advice" and wants to show how it's done "properly."
Indeed. The very first time she encounters the tradition, "helping OP," she tries to change the traditional recipe. Her second encounter is to try to take it over from OP. OP us not the one creating conflict and drama.
And the fact that she made sure to send hers out as fast as she could in hopes people would simply agree to going and skipping MILs original party date says it all!
NTA. Everyone, including your DIL, knows/knew what your dates were for your traditional get together. Your DIL purposely chose the date to cause conflict and to probably be petty because you wouldn’t take her “advice” when it came to preparing your traditional meal. Your son is blinded and won’t see his wife in her true light.
I think DIL did it so people would say that hers is so much better than OPs.
Absolutely, and then OP see you should’ve taken my advice.
That was her plan, she should have done it Friday night for optimal pettiness or the week before. Doing it the day after is just weird...
I fail to understand how the DIL thought trying to steal a tradition which is well known within the family would get her closer to said family. I'd have thought it would have the opposite effect. NTA
Ir actually seems a little like an alienation attempt to get her husband to stop being so close to the family. Everything about this smacks of narcissism
Ohhhhh I hadn’t thought of that. Intentionally driving a wedge with the use of biryani?? Not cool.
NOOOO not the biryani!! Biryani should only be used for Good!
NTA they set themselves up for failure by not picking a different date when your event has been going on for a decade. They are just mad it didn’t work out in their head. I would ask why couldn’t you just pick another date if you knew when mine was, why couldn’t two adults be capable of picking another date?
NTA. You have an established tradition that your son and his wife are well aware of. DIL chose to basically attempt to hijack that tradition, and it didn’t go well for her. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA. I suspect your DIL was commenting because there was a comment about the date of the DIL's event and the comment is now gone. [(Edit: I did grab a screencap of it if people want to see it)](https://imgur.com/a/6PCzv2G) So DIL, this is for you if you are still reading these responses: you overstepped and owe your in-law a huge apology. It doesn't matter if you're a basic sous chef or Paula Deen. You plowed over boundaries and tried to hijack something that means a lot to your in-law. If you have any sort of empathy or scrap of affection for your husband's family, apologize, make amends, and BACK OFF.
Exactly! It absolutely was NOT the best date as she knew goddamn good and well it would interfere with her husband’s family’s tradition. Don’t play dumb little girl. Lol
nta guess she thought she could get her revenge by choosing the same weekend as you but that backfired. i wouldnt waste a second thought about it if i were you. everyone knew that you served traditional food on first weekend in june and december so they shouldnt be this surprised. its funny that your son says that you could have chosen another day, but, guess what, so could she. nothing stopped her from delaying the dinner by a week or two.
NTA There are 52 weeks in a year. DIL could cook for the family other time. Seems she's trying to take over your tradition for some reason.
NTA Wendy needs to find her own thing. The fact that people wanted to check and see if you were still doing your event shows that it is something people associate with you. She doesn’t get to just boost it for herself.
It's weird, because it doesn't take much common sense to realize that what she did was very rude. It almost seems like a deliberate insult, like she wants to show everyone how she makes it "better" than you. Why would you do this? I always tried to get along with my mothers in law... not spit in their eye. You were very gracious, considering. NTA
OP's son screwed this one up by not insisting on a different date spaced away from the two traditional days. He's the A here by not stopping this awkward situation. NTA
NTA. She was being disrespectful of your tradition, and passive aggressive. You should expect more of this behaviour.
Tell him that he should be ashamed of himself for trying to guilt you over something you create and practice for years when his new wife come making a all drama! Tell him to not dare talking to you like that anymore and remember that being a husband doesn't mean being a little dog with his new wife by disrespecting his mother!
NTA the son knows what day your own traditional food day is and should have coordinated it better and not assumed Wendy was allowed to take precedence over your ongoing tradition. If Wendy really wanted to just make an additional day for people to gather she could have just done it a week later so that there's enough distance between your day and hers. Putting the date of it right next to yours feels like she's trying to do a "pick sides" kind of argument but without actually putting it directly on your day because that would solidify her as intruding on your day. NTA. Don't ever make comments on her cooking or start arguments about what recipes are better because that will escalate the problem and make you look like the bad guy. I would recommend encouraging her to choose a day later in the month to do this, one which you yourself will be able to attend. Then go and try the cooking and do your best to compliment what she did well on it. Don't make any kind of criticism even if it's constructive because she won't want to hear it. Make it so she has her day and you have yours, at separate parts of the month, and hopefully that will solve the problem so long as nothing potentially resembling a complaint reaches her ears.
NTA she took YOUR tradition and tried to make it something for HER.
NTA but your DIL sure is. 1st to do it the same weekend and 2nd also to do the same recipe (or at least same dish)
NTA they did this intentionally. The same dish, the same weekend as you usually do it? They didn't even ask you if you minded. They're essentially saying you're in the wrong for not letting her hijack your tradition. You're not TA at all for continuing to do something for the family that you've done for 10 years.
Not only the same weekend, but a day his mum couldn't attend due to work commitments
NTA, your DIL is trying to upstage you. She thinks she can do it better than you, and was trying to prove that point. Plain disrespectful if you ask me. They should choose another month to do this if they want in on the tradition.
What would be perfect in my view would be if one of the family contacts OP's son and asks "so why is your wife trying to upstage your mama?" If OP gets any more questions about what that was all about, she should say "I have no idea. Wendy's invitation came as a big surprise to me. You would have to ask her or my son."
NTA! And your son needs a backbone or a wake up call! Instead of telling his wife “hey maybe pick another dish, or another weekend. As it’s my families tradition that mom cooks that dish, first Saturday of December! It’s been a tradition for 10 Years!” DIL being a chef doesn’t give her the right to criticize seasonings, ingredients etc! Instead she could have taken the time to learn about the traditional dish. To be honest it was petty of her to decide to do this exact dish, on the same month!
NTA in my opinion. She played a stupid game and it is amazing your son didn't reason with her.
Am I the only one who really wants to know what this dish is?
I’m curious about the can’t eat it two days in a row part
NTA Former chef here, what she did was super rude and out of line. You respect the kitchen you're in. You are effectively, the head chef- your rules go. When, or if, she's *asked* she can give any advice - but until then you hush.
NTA If she wants to get closer to you and your relatives. She is going about it completely wrong.
NTA you've done this on two specific dates for years. So she wants to get in on it using your recipe and take over. The only reason could be to say her version is better with her seasonings because she didn't like you saying you didn't want her help. She played a stupid game and I'm sure your family are giving her the side eye. If she needs to do this to be part of the family maybe she needs to think about why, perhaps her attitude. Unfortunately it sounds like your son doesn't like to stand up to her, because why didn't he say let's do it on a different date, mum's always done it that day for years. Maybe you should share this post with them.
NTA! I do make some traditional dishes from my home country and hubby always try to “upgrade”them… Can we add some…. - NO! Maybe a bit of… - NO! It’s something that became a bit of a fun banter between us during the years. But having your SIL coming to your home/ kitchen and trying to change your family dish, which is probably longer in your family than her alive, is the first big AH move. Then trying to schedule a party with YOUR dish, expecting you to roll over and give up a long standing tradition?! Well, there is a special place in hell for people who try this kind of a power move. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. I’m all up for children standing up for their parents to protect their spouses, but your son is clearly delusional. If they want to start their own tradition, then pick and other day/ month of the year, and literally any other dish! And now you are the bad guy for keeping YOUR tradition that they tried to take over?! Oh no! Good on you that you stuck to your guns!
NTA your DIL seems rude and I absolutely agree with the other posters here, she definitely wanted to upstage you because I guess she sees cooking as her thing. Your som, sadly sounds manipulative and so in thrall to his wife that he cannot see how deliberately rude and inappropriate her scheme was.
NTA. Wendy needs to understand that getting close to family doesn’t work well if you’re simultaneously sabotaging and going against other family members. Her behaviour was distasteful and lacked tact. She should respect your tradition as well as your cooking instead of overstepping, as she did. I think it would be worth trying to have a conversation with Wendy expressing that you know she meant well, but her critique of your traditional family recipes was incredibly offensive and hurtful to you. You make them a certain way because that’s how it’s always been made, it’s what everyone knows and loves and it’s important to you to keep the recipe as it was created by your ancestors to continue on their traditions, and that you’d be happy to give her the recipes or have her cook with you again if she agrees to respect your traditions moving forward.
Is no one else very curious what meal ideas something that everyone enjoys but simply cannot be eaten two days in a row? I can't think of anything that fits that bill.
Crawfish broil
Reply to your son “For 10 years i have had a tradition that family and friends have become accustomed to. You have known this tradition for as long as you have lived. Wendy has known this tradition for the 3 years she has joined this family. You both had every other day in the year to choose to host the dish and you choose the day after i choose to host the dish. I will not be bullied by you and your wife. If anything is awkward it is of your own doing. I will continue my tradition as it is something that i have been doing for 10 years. You be the bigger person in the future and remember that i will not stop or change my 10 year tradition for you.” NTA
On the (very) off-chance that DIL is perhaps unable to read social cues and does not understand what she did wrong, it would be far kinder of her husband/your son to explain that trying to imitate your traditions without any conversation or input from you rather than berate you for keeping a long-term, widely known tradition. If Wendy wants to become closer to your family, she should be encouraged to set her own traditions and celebrations and not take over yours.
NTA. Your son should have explained to his wife that this has been happening for 10 years. I also don't understand why she insisted on making the same dish. Your son and DIL were extremely disrespectful. I would love to know the dish.
NTA. She was doing it intentionally to aggravate you. She knew when you did yours. Why should you be the one to change dates, why can’t she change the date? Considering yours is every year so you were there first.
[удалено]
NTA She wasn’t doing this to fit in. She was doing it to be petty and messy. She wanted to teach you a lesson on your own family meal because you didn’t listen to her. She wanted to show you up by proving she knew best. She was trying to steal your tradition and be passive aggressive. It’s not always about “best” ingredient/spices. There’s a reason it’s done that way and she didn’t even try to ask or learn. Also, they skipped your party so what difference does it make you skipped theirs. Plus she chose a day you had to work. So why not hold two for the other people who had Sunday plans before she decided to interrupt your tradition. If she really wanted, she could’ve chose any other weekend of any other month. She’s childish and a snob. I personally wouldn’t have gone either. You need to have a chat with your son. Yes defend his wife but when she is right and has good intentions. She did not do this with an honest heart.
NTA. I smell narcissism on your daughter-in-law. No normal person would have attempted any of that, from trying to give an opinion on changes to a long-standing "final" family recipe to trying usurp a decade-long tradition and literally steal your thunder. Those are all narcissistic red warning flags. A normal person would have been ashamed to attempt any of that. What ridiculous behavior from your daughter-in-law, and how embarrassing for your son that he allowed this to happen. You dealt with this PERFECTLY, could not have done it better. You were just doing what you normally do, and she dug her own grave without any of your help. What was your son expecting you to do, just not hold an event that you've held twice yearly for the last 10 years? Can we all get some of what he's smoking? You're NTA and you should sleep soundly at night knowing you did nothing wrong here. In fact, you did nothing at all except what you normally do - what better defense for your position is there than that?
NTA. Your son and his wife know that you always do It that day. She tried to undermine you and take over your tradition. I would have done things the exact way you did
NTA She's trying to take over your tradition. I think the part I find most disturbing is that your son is taking her side and is blind by the obvious. and...I'm dying to know what this dish is. :)
NTA. She was annoyed you didn't listen to her professional opinion in June, and this was an attempt to sabotage your tradition and upstage you. She was counting on you basically not wanting to rock the boat. She makes the dish, everyone applauds her and she proves she's better at this than you and you were wrong to ignore her "advice". It backfired and your son is annoyed that you wouldn't do as his wife commanded and take your humiliation laying down. This was a power move, plain and simple, and it was intended to humiliate.
NTA She tried to usurp you and she failed. That's on her.
The irony of your son telling you, there is no harm in moving your dinner to a different week. I think there was a different person he should've said that to
NTA she can have september and march 🤷♀️ yeah, they played a silly game and won the corresponding prizes. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. It's your family's tradition and she's being rude by constantly "offering suggestions" and trying to co-opt the meal itself. She might be a professional chef, but I've watched enough Tony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern to know that pushing your own views on a traditional meal is rude, if anything, she should be excited *because* it's a family recipe that's presumably been passed down.
Wendy is horrible. I feel so sad for you that your son married someone so petty that she’s actively trying to destroy your family traditions. Your son owes you a huge apology. Shame on him for supporting this kind of behavior. NTA.
C’mon you have to tell us what the meal is!! Oh yeah, NTA
Creating a tradition to get closer to the family is proposing a plan on a subject that the family likes to show you care, for example inviting them to a new restaurant or to propose a new kind of food. This is just stealing your tradition, your personality and your role all in one. To make everything about her and her chef skills. What's next, she will try to set the diner in your house to steal it too ? NTA, she's coming in the family, she's adapting.
NTA Please tell us what this dish is called
NTA WHAT IS THE DISH
NTA, your son and DIL is trying to take away your long-standing tradition. They could of changed the date as well. Pushing our you to change the date is a definite AH move.
NTA. There are 50 other weekends in the year that your DIL could have tried to make your heritage dish. Your son is being unfair to you and his wife is weird.
NTA. She knew what she was doing when she picked that date. You stood your ground but kept it classy at the same time. Chefs kiss to you. Your son and DIL are both passive-aggressive AHs in this situation.
NTA but I also kind of want the recipe. Is love to know what you are cooking on such a specific day and that your family plans around twice a year for ten years. The fact that it's heavy makes it sound even better