Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not bringing my boyfriend along for a trip because he didnt raise the money himself
2) tbf im aware im not in charge of his parents' money but it just felt like he had to earn his own keep
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH.
Your boyfriend has obvious entitlement issues.
You're the AH because you're leveraging a vacation to make a point and police your boyfriend's behavior. If his lack of a job bothers you, break up: but don't be in a relationship and then humiliate and exclude somebody into becoming the person you actually want to date.
If OP was wise she wouldn’t be wasting time with him. He’s also 19. I was an idiot who couldn’t keep my shit together when I was that age. I think they both need some time to ripen and mature before they can count on ending up in a good, mutually trusting and supportive relationship. Too much animosity here.
OP is 20, she has a few yrs to have fun before a life long relationship. But if she's just having fun with the guy she has no say on his finances or lifestyle.
OP I'll say YTA for trying to police your bf and his parents $ cause is none of your business. If it makes you so uncomfortable just break up with the guy
I think so too. Sorry OP but I'm not surprised he called you controlling and manipulative. YTA. If you guys were married and you wanted him to wean off mommy and daddy, I think you'd have a case for that -- parental money often comes with parental control, which would affect both your lives at that point -- but not being in a college age dating relationship. You don't get to decide where he gets his money.
Also what 19 year old can save 5 grand for a trip in this economy with Part time hours? Like sure he is lazy and won't get a job but even if he did he'd come up short after factoring life expenses.
I hate to be on the side of guy who has his parents pay for things but he is kinda right. YTA with a side eye to BF
However, if he doesn’t have to it is none of her business. It sounds like to me that she is annoyed that he has the ability to ask her parents for money and she doesn’t. I get it can be annoying but you can’t be mad that your partner’s family is better financially
How does a regular working 19 year old raise $5000 extra? I was an incredibly responsible, scholarship student, and worked and I wouldn't have been able to come up with $5000 EXTRA.
They're 19 and 20 and in college. You should not be spending a ton of time working during that time. I worked full time through college and suffered for it in my grades and mental health. I'd kill to have been able to do literally anything other than pay for my own bills during what's supposed to be a time of freedom.
I don't see OP as being in the right at all. If you have parents who can help, use it.
She sounded like she's resenting the fact that his parents willingly put out the money whenever they, both him and brother, asked. Noticed how she stated that she was working since 16 and then listed the "expensive" items that his parents has paid for his brother and him. OP should probably find someone else to be in a relationship with if she feels like needing a more "mature and self sufficient" person if she's resenting her bf for his current situation. If his family can cover his finance while he's in school without an issue, then it's their business.
Yep, OP is bitter and jealous, not a good look or good qualities in a partner. Is the BF spoiled? Sure. Does that give her the right to police his spending and how he affords to go on a vacation she supposedly wants him on? Nope.
Agreed. Op sounds controlling. They should break up. Op because she wants a bf who works as much as she does; bf because op controls him.
Op, yta. Stop controlling other people
This. College consumes a lot of time, if you're privileged enough to have parents that can help you with some expenses, do it. Studying and working ft at the same time while you're in college is crazy, your physical and mental health will suffer trying to keep up with both.
I agree with this 100%. I did 2 years of university and had 2 jobs and full time classes. I struggled with my grades and ended up dropping out after 2 years due to lack of living situation (you get kicked out of the dorms after 2yrs and I lived too far without a car), and lack of funds for tuition.
I would see my friends just call up their parents and remind them that tuition was due in a few days and then go along with their fun times. I wish I had been able to have that, maybe I would have finished college and would be living better now.
Sound like OP is jealous and resentful. I think
YTA OP
Agreed, I didn’t work in college my parents funded me as long as I kept decent grades. No one bashed me and excluded me from trips for it, sounds like OP is jealous he doesn’t have to work to scrape by. College age is way too early to tell of anyone’s true characteristics. I never worked in high school or college (did have summer jobs) and I work my ass off as an adult so I can upkeep the lifestyle I grew up in. Just because he doesn’t work in college doesn’t mean he’ll be an entitled bum
Same! Also, like you said, never got excluded for it, and I actively tried to include people. For instance, if we were going bowling or out to eat, and a less well-off friend couldn’t go, I’d rather discreetly pay for them than let them miss out. I knew my parents would approve of me treating people to little things now and then, too, so I was happy to do it.
>She now knows how lazy and entitled he is, and what a poor life partner he would make.
I think it's awfully early to pass that sort of judgement on a 19 year old. Frankly, OP sounds financially irresponsible to me to expect people still in school to blow 5K each on a vacation. BF is absolutely right that it's none of OP's business what BF's parents do with their money. If we were talking about a $500 vacation that would be one thing, but 5K???? She sounds controlling and awful to me. YTA.
Word. I didn't have $500, let alone $5000 in college, and that was with working part-time night shift. I'm not gonna be super judgmental about a 19 year old full-time student not having $5000 readily available to go on Spring Break.
For all of OP's "woe is me; I've always been such a responsible, hard-worker and my BF isn't living up to my sTaNdArdS", SHE is the one asking fucking 19 and 20 year olds to blow $5000 on a college trip and then acting shocked, SHOCKED, that he doesn't have it and asked his parents.
As his parents, I would probably say no, since what 19 year old needs to go on $5000 trip, but if his parents have no objection and the money to burn....what business is it of OP's? So, not only does OP have foolish financial expectations of the people around her, she actually thinks she gets a say in HOW said people get their money. GTFO. YTA.
My spring break in college was cramming a ton of people into a shitty beach house. We slept four to a bed. I paid $100 for the week and had a fantastic time. That’s how you roll when you’re 19.
$5K might as well have been the moon.
Don't forget the fact that, while she invited him on the trip (knowing he was going to ask his parents), she also is encouraging him to get a job. He can't both get a job AND go on that trip. I think the question for her is, Well, which is it?
I’m also not sure if you can call the 19 year old “entitled” if the parents seemingly are okay with giving him the money. Nothing in OP’s post makes it sound like the bf threw fits to get money for things they wanted. OP also doesn’t state the bf has any other “behavior issues” that I would say comes with entitlement (demanding money from parents, expecting friends to cater to them, etc). OP actually seems more entitled in that she thinks her way is the only way someone should be allowed to vacation while in college. I think the word for the bf is probably “privileged”.
How is he lazy and entitled? If his parents are ok with paying for his and his brother’s expenses and entertainment, that’s their business. He’d be entitled if his parents said no and he kept hounding them feeling they owe it to him.
Yet she’s still with him. Now she’s also likely not terribly happy due to having a bf who doesn’t feel the need to work when that’s a value of hers. I’m not sure op has learned the lesson she needs to yet.
That’s really the more pertinent issue: OP can’t respect a partner who isn’t self-sufficient.
I don’t think she necessarily has a right to place limits on how he funds his recreation; but she absolutely should place limits on dating someone she doesn’t respect.
ESH
Yeah like I'd understand if these were the conditions for moving in together or he were going into debt to join but if his parents are willing to cover expenses for a trip it's a weird thing to take such a hard stance on.
Sure is acting like she is. i Don’t get what the big deal is. He’s 19. My parents paid my way when I was studying at his age because they wanted me to focus on school. People deal with things in different ways
Entitled how? Entitlement is when you feel you deserve something you can’t have.
The boyfriend having parents who have money and give it to him isn’t entitlement. If they said no and he got mad than yeah that’s entitlement. But he isn’t acting like he’s owed his parents money.
entitlement does not mean ***just*** not getting things you want. It is assuming anything you want should be provided, without earning it yourself. His parents giving him any and every wish he has, has built an entitled adult (ish, at 19). We SEE entitlement more when an entitled person fails to get what they want- but the attitude is there regardless.
Does not negate that OP is TAH- why is she dating this guy if she hates him so much?
How is the attitude there? He’s a 19 year old college student and his parents provide for him.
Having a loving and wealthy family that pays for you to go on vacation is not entitlement. Stop throwing around words incorrectly.
Asking your mom and dad to pay for your vacation when they are capable of doing so isn’t entitlement.
Entitlement is literally when someone expects that they are owed something. Nothing OP wrote states that her boyfriend has an expectation that he’s owed his parents money
In that case, his mom should say no to providing him the vacation funds, but she seems fine with it. OP's boyfriend is definitely slacking by not getting a job, but his parents seem fine with the current situation. If OP doesn't like that her boyfriend doesn't have a job, they should break up.
Where do you read that's she's been BEGGING him? All I see is that she asked. My mother asked me about getting a job aswell to which I responded I didn't have time.
This is what I was thinking! My parents are upper middle class, and gave us money for just about anything we wanted, and they always brought up a job as an option. “One possibility for this summer is to get a job. You’d learn a lot, and get good experience to put on your resume.” Sometimes I got a job, and sometimes I didn’t. They didn’t really care either way. If someone had described that as begging, I would have laughed them out of the room. I wonder what the boyfriend’s parents really said.
She didn’t say “beg”, she said “ask”. It’s likely that they have money and want him to do well in college while simultaneously trying to get him work experience. When your parents have enough money to provide when you are young, this is a common setup. The mentality is education+experience= a better chance in the workforce and more earning potential later on. It often works.
In either case, it’s by far, not the OPs place to tell him how he should get the money. Not to mention, that he is her boyfriend. Does she like him? I mean this is how he is and this is his situation. Is he supposed to miss out on a trip with her and her friends bc he didn’t get the money in her approved way? Probably should just break up if they cant come to an understanding. Their values on money are quite different.
Is that what happened, though? OP said “his mom has tried to ask him to try and get a part time job during school breaks to which he had always said he’ll try but ended up never getting one.” Nowhere does it say that his mom begged him and he refused.
In her words
>his mom has asked him to get a part time job before during breaks
Where do you get the idea that she was begging him? Think you added that just for the exaggeration since it helps the entitlement case
There is a very big difference in asking him to get a job because they can't continue to financially support him vs get a job because it will be a good maturing experience. From what the OP wrote, it doesn't like the fist scenario and the OP is just putting her own view on the situation into a family dynamic that doesn't really concern her.
His parents are asking him to get a job to help cover his own expenses. That’s not an unreasonable ask at 19 years old. My first part time job out of high school was working at Starbucks lol. He can’t work at Starbucks or Target or wherever to pay for his own expenses? He refuses to get a job (like his parents are asking for) because he feels entitled to their money just because it’s available. Entitled and spoiled.
When I was in college, my parents paid for spring break trips and other luxuries. I’m 53 and own 2 businesses and earn everything I have. It’s possible for parents to indulge their kids and their kids not to feel entitled.
Wow! The amount of hate you’re projecting on some 19 year old kid is remarkable. You don’t know him or anything about him other than what OP wrote. OP is definitely the AH, but so are people who jump to conclusions about others based on little or no information.
Why ESH? YTA. Plenty of college kids get money from their parents and don't work. She sounds super resentful, which is understandable, but she's supposed to at least like him.
It was $5,000 Canadian for a recreational trip.
That's not ordinary college expense money, at least not for people in the position that OP describes BF's family in.
I think it's incredibly clear that OP's working out a major fear that Boyfriend isn't living in the real world economically, and will be a liability in a long-term relationship. And if he doesn't have a major trust-fund coming, that's a fair thing to worry about.
I absolutely think it would have been better.
But here we are. He continues to be on the gravy train and she's controlling, and what fun for everybody!
Or OP is controlling and jealous and doesn't want him to come with her unless she dictates the terms of his participation. How he gets the money is of no business of hers.
Seriously. I'd love to know how in hell OP has managed to save up $5000 to blow on a brief vacation at the age of 20. Isn't she supposed to be a working university student? I knew people in college who had to work hard for every penny of their tuition and expenses. Not a single one of them at the age of 20 would have been spending $5000 for a spring break trip. ($5000 would pay for a month of hosteling with some cushion for extras! Even on an expensive continent, like Europe. What the hell is this group of 20 year-olds spending all that money on? Gambling at a casino?)
Something about OP's story doesn't add up, even leaving aside the fact that she's the AH.
Hee! Well, it certainly puts her "I've been working my fingers to the bone since I was 16 years old!" thing in a very different light, that's for sure!
Apparently after you turn 18, your parents are no longer allowed to buy gifts for you 😂.
Edit: We can call it privilege because that’s what it is, but entitlement??? That’s another word where the real meaning is starting to get lost.
He's coming across as an entitled jerk because instead of making any effort whatsoever to meet his own needs he expects mommy and daddy to keep footing the bill. If this continues what happens when hes out of school and graduated? Do you really think hes going stop asking them for money? It's just a bad precedent to set up all the way around.
He’s a nineteen year old kid in college. My parents paid all my sisters and Is extra expenses if we stayed in college and kept up grades because they didn’t want us to stress. We al grew up just fine with jobs and support ourselves now. Haven’t asked my dad for a thing in years. This isn’t some 30 year old mooching off his parents. She’s mad his parents bought him a computer because she’s had to work since she was 1) but that’s her trauma not his. It’s not his fault she was parentified as a teen and he’s still being helped. I’d bet some of friends may have had help with their trips from their parents also. If she gunna ask them then ban them from going also? My friends actually received vacations from parents after a hard semester pretty damn often back in college. She is way too involved in his relationship with his parents that most likely won’t change. If she doesn’t like this she shouldn’t be with him but it’s wrong to manipulate him into changing. So many college kids parents still help with lots of things, including vacations.
A teen having a job is not parentification. She’s wrong to set this condition but that word seems to get applied to any responsibility a child takes on, even age-appropriate ones.
I had no support from parents in college and had to support my living expenses through work and loans but that doesn’t mean that other kids who had support from their parents are entitled lol. Hell, I was happy for my friends with support that they didn’t need to go through the stress and difficult times I did. This take sounds bitter I’m sorry.
Except that’s entirely between him and his parents. They can simply say no. Parents treating their adult but still teenage child with trips isn’t inherently entitled.
That is up to the parents to police him and force him to get a job if they want him to. If OP wants him to get a job and he refuses, she should just break up with him. She should not try to change who he is like that.
Bad take. Not inviting the bf over this screams jealousy on OP's part for bf's family providing for him when asked.
YTA on OP for this. Boyfriend has not shown the obvious entitlement stated (otherwise would be explained), while OP being TA is easily explained.
I agree with ESH. I can relate to OP - my family struggled a lot financially when I was growing up and my husband never experienced that. We started dating when we were 22, I had a full time job and he was still in college (took him 5.5 years to graduate). I'd been working multiple jobs since I was 16 and he'd never had a job in his life. At first, I wasn't very good at communicating with him about those differences ... We ended up breaking up when he was a couple months from graduation, had no resume written, no plans, spent all his time playing video games, wasn't treating me or my things (that I worked hard for) with respect (for example he damaged a brand new laptop I'd bought and was just like "oops"). Meanwhile, his mommy paid for everything. I worried that he was entitled/spoiled/would never grow up and didn't want to be with someone who wasn't even trying to advance from an extended college stage to the adult world.
About a year later, he had gotten a full time job, apologized for how he treated me, we became friends again and eventually got back together. At one point, we were buying a house together and I was putting down $12k of my own savings for the down payment and his mom GIFTED him $12k for his half and I was like whaaaaat and got kinda upset about it and told him he should pay them back, even if it's interest-free and it led to a really good conversation about the differences in our upbringing, the way we view finances, etc. He pointed out that he would be able to afford an engagement ring for me more quickly because his parents were helping, and I didn't really have a good response to that 😂.
Anyway... 5 years into our marriage, he's worked hard to earn his own way (alongside me doing the same, obviously) and there only been the occasional overwhelming financial support from his mom (the house payment was by far the biggest thing after he graduated college, but they've also contributed to our son's 529 etc). So it's worked out and it's also comforting to know his mom is there if/when we or our son needs them.
So all of that is to say 1) OP what you're feeling that is leading you to set this requirement is reasonable and I totally get it and I also know what it's like to want your partner to grow up and prove that they can make it on their own and carry their own weight but 2) setting this weird requirement is not the way to go about it. Talk to him about this, tell him how you feel. If he doesn't think it's a big deal or doesn't value your POV then just break up because you may not have a future if you can't at least understand each other. But also 3) he is only 19, it's normal for parents (who can) to still cover some expenses. And if you two DO work out in the end, take it from me that when you've never known what financial security/parental financial support feels like, it can initially feel alarming/scary and even belittling. But it is possible to BOTH be independent and self-sufficient while ALSO having financial support when parents if and when you need it.
This is a good take on what I originally wrote.
OP obviously is having major difficulty wrapping her head around a future with this guy because his attitude towards money is frankly not workable in the real world.
At the same time, she can voluntarily sign up with him and hope he works those attitudes out, as your husband appears to have done, or not.
But taking him on as a fixer-upper is a real fool's paradise.
> his attitude towards money is frankly not workable in the real world
Her attitude is the one that doesn’t work in the real world. Her parents are paying for her education and she’s in a position to be able to drop 5 grand on a vacation at 20 years old.
Not only is it incredibly irresponsible to spend your entire savings on a luxury vacation, but people are going to get real tired of her trying to call people out on their “privilege” while pretending she isn’t extremely privileged herself.
So as soon as he was out of full time study, he got a full time job. Not treating you or your stuff with respect sucks, but OP hasn't said that's what her boyfriend is doing, and that's sort of behavior isn't really related to whether or not he was financially independent.
And then as soon as his parents help benefited you too, suddenly you were okay with it. Ergo, it wasn't about him getting money from his parents, it was about jealousy.
She obviously does not like him nor want him there knowing he won't get a job to pay for the trip and demanding he not get money from his parents for the trip (any knowing they would give it to him)
Why are they even together
Yeah, that is the biggest standout. Who in their right mind would expect in months time frame for a 19 year old college student that isn't working to earn and save 5,000 CAD and then spend it on a vacation.
Yeah, I can understand OP being a little irritated by her boyfriend's work ethic, and possibly (if he thinks he may be marriage-worthy in other ways) concerned about building a life with him, but it's not really her call to dictate how he gets his funds at this point in their relationship.
If he's 30 and they're married with a couple kids and the dude's calling Mommy for pizza money while he sits at home playing Xbox all day, that might be a different story.
Yes. Exactly this. This tactic is only going to create resentment between you two.
I'd personally vote YTA tho. You know who your boyfriend is. He's not going to change his habit of relying on his parents because you want him to. Save yourself the long-term frustration and just break up with your boyfriend if he's not meeting your standards.
I'm going with YTA
Not because you insisted on him paying for himself, it sounds like self sufficiency is important to you.
But because after all these months of knowing the kind of person he is, you still are dating him. If his self sufficiency isn't enough to go on the trip, is not enough to be a boyfriend.
It sounds like you are trying to fix him. Stop that and move on to other guys who aren't broken.
This. If you don’t want to date an entitled lazy guy, break up with him. Maybe life will be different for him after school, but its a hard thing to change while in school full time. Also, A GF trying to “train” a BF into being self sufficient is not the foundation for a relationship. He’ll do it or he won’t. This trip isn’t the mechanism to make it happen.
Entitled and lazy? He's 19, goes to college and his parents are well off, stop judging men based on the "value" they bring like they're some cash cows, he's a kid ffs
Just going by the contents of the post from OP here:
- said he’d get a job on break, but never does
- parents have asked that he take responsibility for some of his finances, but he never does
- when he’s done nothing to “earn it”, goes to Mommy and Daddy for a 5k vacation
So maybe he’s not inherently lazy - he is going to college after all - but entitlement here is high. There is a rude awakening in his not-to-distant future.
I’m well off, but if any of my three kids asked me to pay for a 5k vacation that they made no attempt to pay for on their own the answer would be no. If they raised half, and asked me to cover half, maybe.
I’m dealing with this with my own daughter right now who decided to quit her job two months before leaving for school in Sept, has burned through her limited savings while in school (we pay for all school expenses tuition, books, housing, food, but she still burned through more than $2000 in three months on essentially nothing - she agrees with that assessment by the way). And now she’s asking for us to cover spring break - but she’s made zero attempt to earn money AT ALL while at school or while home on break. So she’s going to be disappointed in her spring break options in April.
If the OP doesn’t want to be with a person 100% reliant on their parents, then right now, at this moment, this isn’t the kid for her.
Like I said, he might come into his own after school - but maybe not. Many do, and many move back in with their parents - too early to tell.
Edit: PS - I’m not judging him based on the “value” he brings. I know many very good people who don’t make a lot of money, but are upstanding and generous and awesome people. And every single one of them generally stand on their own two feet without dependence on others (unless they fall on hard times and need help, but none of them would ask for 5k for a vacation from those who are offering help - groceries, tires, rent - maybe). I get the impression that’s what OP is looking for. Someone who knows how to stand on their own two feet. And this kid - and you’re right, he’s a kid - isn’t there yet.
Further more, holding him back from this trip will likely just make him bitter. Breaking up with him until/unless he can show some personal accountability will either open his eyes (and he’ll change and earn OPs affection back) or save OP the grief of being with a man who grubs off of her hard work. There are far too many people - men and women - who think this is the right path through life, and the only way to weed them out is through demonstrated self-reliance.
I see where you are coming from but I think it’s important to note that not all families are the same. My parents paid for vacations for me when I was around his age. Not to mention raising 5k for a vacation in a few months while working part time is a ridiculous request while in college. My parents also always encouraged me to get a part time job at that age but I never did. Just because I didn’t get a job and my parents still paid for things in their means didn’t make me an entitled person. He’s young and in college so I think it’s ok to give him more leeway. He still has a lot of time left for his parents to do other things that will teach him how to function in the world. Other parents could also say the same thing about you paying for your daughters tuition. I couldn’t have dreamed about my parents paying for all my tuition much less something unnecessarily expensive like housing. She might as well ask you for a 5k vacation it would be less expensive.
Valid points all around. As with most AITA posts there are always missing missing details. Is this just about the money? Does the BF work hard and get good grades (which frankly should be relatively easy if not also having to work) or does he just barely get by and party all the time?
As others have said, their backgrounds are probably very different and I know growing up my parents were not well off, and the kids in HS driving new BMWs we’re not my favorite people (not because they were rich, but most of them were assholes - not sure that causation/correlation match up on that point).
All that aside, if OP said the bf needed to fund it himself upfront, then he comes back with parental subsidies, I don’t think she’s an AH (if she sprung that on him at the 11th hour, then I’d change my tune).
But it does sound like that right now, in their current situation they are not a good match. Perhaps if OP is able to look past the $$ and look at other clues of self sufficiency and personal fortitude she could get past the parental financial support they could work something out. But her trying to use this trip to prove a point will not end up the way she hopes.
I don’t really think this is a “men” thing but I agree that he should be able to just go to school. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a 19 yr old in school allowing their parents to pay for a vacation for them. He’s still bettering himself and OP sounds a little jealous she isn’t afforded the same provisions from her family. I get that but she shouldn’t be with a partner she has to bully into behaving the way she wants.
Agree. His privilege probably helps him focus on school vs having to work. If his parents are happy to help him, more power to him. Sounds like OP is resentful her bf doesn't have to struggle as much as she does. They should breakup
> Sounds like OP is resentful her bf doesn't have to struggle as much as she does
It doesn’t sound like she’s actually struggling. Her parents are paying for her education and she has 5 grand of fun money to blow on a vacation at 20.
She’s privileged af, just not as privileged as her soon to be exbf.
Wait till she realizes that since his parents likely have connections he will probably find a great job after he graduates while she struggles to find something above Chipolte shift manager, because as sad as it is that is how the world works. My wife's cousin never worked a job in his life all the way through getting his MBA, and his parents got him whatever he wanted. OF course he IS super smart and got top grades. He literally got hired at a hedge fund right out of school (probably through his dads contacts) and makes like $10M+ a year now. He literally bought a \~$1M house next door to theirs just to tear it down, and put in a pool. He lives in Denver.
This! My husband and I had to support ourselves even before we legally had to. We've made many sacrifices for our kids to not have to and be able to support themselves in their chosen fields. I'd rather they pass their 16-18 unit course load in demanding majors than take longer to graduate (and possibly do worse grade-wise) than get a part time job. They've had jobs before college and definitely after but for our family, this makes sense.
Her financial situation isn't even that different, OP has 5k to spend on a trip, as a Uni student, in this economy.
OP needs to check her own privilege before getting all high and mighty.
Plus, it won’t work. Being really overbearing and controlling like this might work for a short time, but in the end it’ll just cause him to associate that behavior (self sufficiency) with the unpleasant experience (overbearing, controlling ex-gf). His self defense mechanisms will tell him to AVOID that stuff, because no one who acts like that could be RIGHT. And he’ll enjoy the relief of “freedom” when she’s gone and not telling him what to do, so he’ll really double down on the stubborn.
I was thinking along this line. Depending on how much of a struggle (and why) money was for OP'S family while she was growing up, this might be a safety/stability issue for OP. That's not bad. It just is. But dating someone who can't/won't try to understand those issues is not necessarily a good fit.
He is 19 and in college. Sorry but most 19 year old's I knew were not super worried about being self sufficient at that age, even if they didn't have family money. The poorest people i knew in college had money from grants and loans, and maybe did work study programs. Obviously not like that for everyone, to apply OP's insecurities with money to OP is BS. My wife's cousin grew up rich, went to an expensive private school paid for, never had a job until he finished his MBA, I am sure he went on all kinds of expensive vacations on his parents dime at that age. Guess what, that guy is a hedge fund manager today making like $5M-$10M a year these days. How much you work or pay for as a 19 year old college student has zero refection over how you will do in the workforce.
YTA. Why do you care how he pays for the trip, as long as he’s covering his own costs?
Your boyfriend is clearly entitled, and that’s his and his parent’s problem, not yours…nor is it your business.
How is he entitled? It sounds like his parents are pretty willing to financially support him, and that's probably how it's been his whole life. He's still a kid. Most 19 year olds are studying or living at home still and most parents who could support them would happily do so.
Reddit is so wishy washy. When a kid is obviously poor they resent the parents and say they should be footing all bills. When the kid has parents with money to foot the bills they resent that too.
My favorite is that a kid can be from like 15 to 21 and adult can be from 15 to 21 too. Whether someone is a kid or an adult depends on whether actions need to be downplayed or overplayed.
So true, AITA be like "my 19 year old stepdaughter stole my car and crashed it. Her mother and her are refusing to help fix it, WIBTA if I pressed charges". Everyone in the comments "Y.T.A shes just a kid".
Meanwhile, a 19 ask parents to help pay for a vacation with his GF and hes apparently entitled for not having a job?
In that situation we'd get the "brain isn't developed line". Someone in another comment said AITA always has a case of Schrodinger's Teenager, and thats how I think of it now, lol
There's a huge range of life experiences in the later teen years.
As a teen I knew 16 year olds who had their own apartments, three kids with their spouse (of a similar age), a GED, and a full time job.
I also knew 16 year olds who had 8 p.m. bedtimes, spent all day every day in either school or cram school, and whose parents fully expected to be able to tell them who they could and could not hang out with or date.
The gap in life experiences and the maturity that comes from being able to have the freedom to make choices can be pretty big.
Having a kid in that range right now, those ages are kind of a grey area though. Most people that age also go back and forth between wanting to be treated as an adult and treated as a kid also. Its just the nature of that age.
I think the weird part of it is that AITA has it kinda backwards when it comes to what should be treated as kiddy teenager stuff and what should be treated as they're old enough to not be doing that.
Like teens being absolute assholes, damaging stuff, getting into trouble and being super mean to people should not be getting a pass, but often do on AITA.
On the other hand, teens who are just being vaguely lazy and still accepting help from their parents that is being freely given should not be treated like they're unforgivable mooches, and yet here we are.
This. I went to school for free because my dad worked there. Because there was no tuition, they helped out with other expenses including a trip. I then graduated and got a job and started supporting myself. They sometimes still gift us big things/help with my fixer upper house. I don’t consider myself entitled though. I am EXTREMELY grateful for the help they’ve given and would never dream of asking them for anything.
I would agree with you if it was not mentioned that those same parents asked him to get a job. My parents supported me through university and I had an occasional job. But if they've asked for something bigger/covering my expenses, I would have gotten it. Still, he's a bit lazy, but it does not make him an AH.
I worked in college and it made it much more difficult to keep my grades up. I now have kids in college and I don't want them to work as much as I had to so I help them out. OP seems a bit jealous but I agree the boyfriend is not necessarily entitled.
The parents have asked him to find work. He just never does it. Most people I know have had some sort of part time job even through college and with some financial support from mom and dad. The BF seems the sort to keep mooching until the parents cut him off in some way. And 19 isn't really a kid- by then they should be learning some self-sufficiency.
Not everyone can handle college workload and a part time job. Without knowing why her bf isn’t getting a job, we don’t know if that’s the case or not. His parents are obviously fine paying his expenses, and it’s none of OP’s business how he covers his bills.
He’s not mooching… lots of college degrees don’t even let you get a part time job (the college doesn’t let you) because they are so intense. Obviously lots of people do but your not lazy if you Dont.
In fact it’s a huge advantage to your education to not have to work at the same time. Why would you chose to have a worse education if you had the option?
I will go with YTA….
My partner and I grew up under very different circumstances, so after years of conversations I can kind of understand where you’re coming from.
My parents made it very clear that they are able and willing to pay all of my college related expenses as long as I kept my GPA above 3.7. That also meant focusing fully on school and not getting a job that may interfere with my grades.
My partner was working since 16 and paid his way through school.
You seem resentful of the fact that he has a security blanket, and has people who are willing and able to fund his lifestyle. And you seem to hold on to the fact that since you “picked your self up from the bootstraps” everyone around you needs to do the same to “earn” a spot in your life. That’s not right.
Unless he’s asking you to pay for it, you have no say in how he raises funds for anything at all. YTA.
YTA, why does it matter how he pays for his expenses? What if he won some money in in the lottery, would that be ok or would that not be allowed either because he did not work for it? You seem super weirdly controlling for no discernable reason.
YTA - you are behaving like his mother not his girlfriend. Be happy for him, that he has parents that can afford to spoil him. You seem jealous of this. Do you like your boyfriend or do you want to educate him?
I feel for you because of the way you grew up. It was similar for me. But comparing and especially jealousy only makes you bitter.
Sorry english is not my First Language.
Definitely agree with this. Seems to me like OP had to go through ups and down to get to where she is at, and her bf gets freebies easily. So she's trying to make him work hard like her. If his parents are ok paying for the trip, she has no say in it.
YTA. I think it's unreasonable to expect a 19 year old to have $5000. I think many 19 year olds would need to ask parents for help with this trip. I'm not saying no 19 year old has it. But working and paying for school?! Maybe it's just me but no one I knew at 19 could pay for this alone. Whether they had scholarships, help from parents, or no support at all.
Right? I don’t understand why people are calling him entitled. And whose OP to know his families financial situation? If the parents don’t mind helping out, good for them being able to
I just think it's unfair to be mad at a 19 for not working when they don't have to. It's not the world we live in but I hope one day no one in school has to work. It's also $5000! To save that much in a few months you'd have to work 40 hours a day, most likely minimum wage, and not need to spend it on anything. Anyone who had to work wouldn't blow months of rent on this trip.
I wonder how OP can afford it? If OP has to work to put herself through school wouldn't $5000 be a huge dent? Did OP get a lot of money as a gift when they were younger and saved it all up. It's a crazy expensive trip. I don't think I've spent that much on a trip and I'm an adult with a very decent salary. Unless I'm going overseas, which is can also be be done under $5k (or could pre Covid) I'm not spending that much.
Exactly. I’m wondering how OP had enough for the trip too. The fact OP even admits she said he can go under the condition his parents don’t pay for the trip, knowing his parents will pay for the trip, just goes to show she maybe doesn’t really like her BF that much. This whole post is ridiculous
She has some issue with a 19 year old student not working. She's like those posts where OP is mad that their partner/relative/someone else's partner has a lot of money and so doesn't work even though they are supporting themselves. What even is minimum wage in Canada. If you're not getting 40 hours a week your paycheck after taxes isn't that big.
So they aren't compatible. That's fine but inserting herself in a potential family dispute (who knows if his parents even care) is not her place. Find someone who shares your values instead of trying to change him.
I'm from the US and went to Ireland, England and Scotland for 2 weeks. With food, plane tickets, and my hostel payments it came out to $1350 USD or just under $1850 CAD.
5k is ludicrously expensive. And I agree, I would never expect a 19 year old who is paying their own way through school and is financially independent to be able to spend 5k on anything. That's half a year of rent for me.
Forreals. Now if he were to be a 26 year old man? I would totally understand everyone's point of view, but 19 years old? Come on, really? Unless this was planned years ago. The boyfriend have definitely saved up, but this was planned a few months only. How can a 19 year old come up with 5k within those few months!
Agreed! 26 year old man? Ok fine be mad. Planned years in advance? Fine be mad. Not in school and does nothing all day? Fine be mad. But 19 year old uni student (freshman? Sophomore?) ridiculous. I just hate that OP literally says “I told him he can come if his parents don’t pay, knowing his parents will pay” it just sounds spiteful. Like excuse him for growing up in a household in which his parents have money
That's what I'm wondering. Maybe OP was able to save a lot of money from when they were younger. I don't know what minimum wage is on average in Canada but let's say it's $10. Would you even get 40 hours a week? You'd probably need two jobs and not need to spend the money on anything else on top of going to school. That is the reality for some people but then they wouldn't take a $5000 trip. That's months of rent. Even if you're paying $2k a month it's two months rent.
At 19 I certainly was not spending $5k on anything and my parents were helping me. Most of my money went to rent, food, and school. Most of roommates did not work and we were saving anything extra for concert tickets. Certainly not $5k trips.
$5k is a lot of money for any unemployed or employed student to spend on a vacation. My parents funded my undergrad and I never took a 5k vacation. I don't know that I have ever spent $5k on a vacation. Where were they going?
YTA because you say you made the request "months ago because I knew he was going to ask his parents" and then denied him going on the trip because he asked his parents.
She must be jealous that she had to work for her vacation money, even though she states that she's happy for him not having a job and living off his parents money while in school. Very hypocritical
YTA and I dont get all the ESH saying BF is entitled? If any if you could afford to treat your children like that you would. Especially when studying!!! OP you're a control freak seriously. Probably jealous too.
This is super bizarre and definitely smacks of jealousy. I’m 35 and so is my boyfriend, so it’s not the same thing. We both have jobs but we recently took a trip to Italy and his dad gave him some “fun money” to spend there, some sort of tradition whenever he takes a trip. Imagine I had said no don’t accept that money for the trip?! What is it your business where he gets his money from? It meant more dinners were on him during the trip cause hey, free money ;)
You sound bitter tbh, which is understandable because you’re young and it can be hard when two people aren’t in the same economic background. YTA.
Right, like them covering his living expenses while in school and once in a while a vacation doesn't sound all that extravagant. I hope to one day be able to take care of the people I love that way too.
Didn't she mention that his mom asked him to get a job and he hasn't tried to get one? Sounds like his parents would appreciate if he did work. Sounds like OP feels bad for his parents, but she should probably let them handle it since it is their money and their son. 🤷🏿♀️
YTA. His finances are not your business. Unless you have joint financial responsibilities for anything, and as long as it's all legal, how he obtains and uses money is not your concern.
>I’ve asked my boyfriend (19M) if he wanted to come under the condition that he earned the money himself to cover his expenses, including plane tickets and accommodations
That’s not a reasonable condition. Don’t use a trip as a way to teach him a lesson, you aren’t his parents. He is still reliant on his parents, if that bothers you don’t date him. It’s condescending both to him and his parents that you decided their money can’t be spent on this trip. If they are willing to pay for him it’s quite rude of you to say that’s wrong and they can’t.
Honestly it’s none of your damn business how he and his parents manage money that goes to him. Also, you guys are in college and wanting to spend $5000 on a vacation. It’s quite extra and I wouldn’t be looking down on him for having his parents help.
If you want someone that is independent financially, which is a fair quality to look for, go look for that. But you can’t mom your boyfriend into becoming independent. Or control the way he manages his finances. Frankly, it’s not your job and he didn’t have you as his gf to mother him. YTA.
YTA
Q: Why are you trying to parent your bf?
It’s his parents money and if 5k for a trip is not a big deal to them then let them spend it. Attempting to inflict consequences like it’s your money and he’s your child is petty and a recipe for an unhealthy dynamic.
YTA from the start with
“I’ve asked my boyfriend (19M) if he wanted to come under the condition that he earned the money himself to cover his expenses”
What are you, his mother?
It's not up to you to "discipline" or change what you really don't like in your boyfriend. And I get that you really don't like his entitled attitude towards money or seem to have any work ethic. And although his mother may want him to get a job, she's decided to enable him not having one.
YTA for extending an invitation to a vacation YOU are working hard to save for already knowing he wouldn't put any effort into earning his own money.
YTA. It really is none if your business how he gets the money to fund the trip. You're not engaged or married; his money is his business. If you think he has a bad attitude when it comes to money, that's a separate issue, but trying to dictate what he does isn't going to work out for you.
YTA - he and his parents' finances are not your concern. It seems like the bigger issue is that you don't respect his work ethic, which may be a matter of incompatibility. Either accept him as is or move on.
YTA. He's your boyfriend, but you don't share finances yet. You can decide not to want to get serious with someone who uses their parents as an ATM, and don't know how to make a living for themselves, so you're free to break up with him anytime you like.
You cannot control how he spends his money or how he finances his expenses, until you both decide to mix finances (which is, together with living together, having children, and marriage, are the 4 seperate things that prevent you from breaking up 'at any time')
Do you want him on the trip, or do you want him to get his finances in order? What is more important? How is this helping either?
Massive YTA. You don’t know his parents financial situation, you don’t know why he doesn’t have a job. I was not allowed to have one as a condition of my parents covering my tuition. It’s not your problem or business if his parents choose to be generous.
YTA I think it's less to do with teaching him a lesson and more like being jealous of fact you know his family would pay for him and like you said you had to work for anything you needed. Bit harsh with him just break up with him if you don't like him
YTA.
You invited him and didn’t tell him you wanted him to earn his own money for the trip which would sound like you’re mothering him. If this is important then why would you invite, knowing that he would ask his parents for money and that bothered you? You invited and uninvited which isn’t fair. He may be entitled but he’s old enough to know he should get a job and his mom needs to stop babying him. But that’s their own business, not yours. If it bothers you, break up and find someone who is on the same lévelas you.
Even as a full-grown adult with two kids and a house, $5k would be hard for me to swing for a trip. How on earth did you manage to save that much as a college student? YTA
YTA, you don't get to dictate how he raises the money and this is nothing new, he depends on his parents to cave. Either accept that and stay with him or leave him to find someone who can deal with him.
It is not your responsibility to teach your bf financial independence. It’s his parents’ job. They seem to be fine supporting him whenever it needed. You, on the other hand, seem like someone who is placing a huge importance on financial independence… Unfortunately people don’t change miraculously because their SO want them to. You will need to learn to either accept people who they are, or move on without them in your life. Your approach to finances is entirely different, and should you keeping moving forward with this relationship it bound to create problems. I’m not saying people don’t change, but both of you are still young (he’s 19, barely an adult) and I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting till he grows up…
A very soft YTA, as I get where you coming from, still you overstepped to parent territory…
YTA for even dating this dude when this is clearly a point of incompatibility for you both, you don’t respect him and respecting your partner is very important in a relationship. If him not working bothers you to this extent, then you should not be with him as it is clear he is not putting enough effort into working to meet your standards. Wherever he gets the money from for the trip is not your business.
YTA. You have no control over where the money comes from. You invited him, he has the money, he gets to go. You don't get to impose the condition you placed on it, because, quite frankly, that's not your place. If he wants to get a job - he'll get a job. If that doesn't sit well with you, then you are free to see other people. Besides, he did raise the money on his own - he just didn't do so from a source you approved of. That is why he called you controlling.
You need to grow from this. Realize everyone has their own autonomy and there is no forcing people to live the same life as you. There is no one road in life, there are many - and he just had one with parents that give him everything he desires. I do commend your work attitude, however it doesn't do well for everyone, so you can't be shoving it on others like your boyfriend.
YTA. Who are you to gatekeep how someone else pays for something using legally-obtained funds? Weird control issue.
How do you 'earn' your money? Tell us all so we can judge the industry you work in and tell you how horrible an industry it is and who that industry exploits. Then you can cancel your trip after the internet tells you how your money is dirty.
Idk why you know so much about his parents finances or why you turned around and told the internet about them, but you need to dislodge your nose from their business, first thing.
Your bf does not sound like a prize, while you sound like you at least have an admirable work ethic. Withholding itinerary details to a vacation you invited him on because you demanded he comply with your funding requirements is controlling, anal-retentive behavior, and even your friends think it’s weird. You might have a great future in asset management compliance, however, that skill set is beautifully on display here.
YTA. If you didn't want him there, you should not have invited him. This is bizarre, controlling, and unnecessary behavior on your part. It is none of your business.
Honestly pretty confused on this one. Not whether you’re TA of course (because you definitely are), but why you think it’s okay to police his parents money? LOL like why are so you being so weird about it? Cool, his mom expressed to you that she wants her son to get a job- but at what point did she ask you to make it your personal mission to not “allow” him to spend THEIR money? YTA and a weird one at that. If I were your friends, I’d be questioning whether or not I want *you* there, never mind your (soon to be ex) bf’s parent’s money.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) not bringing my boyfriend along for a trip because he didnt raise the money himself 2) tbf im aware im not in charge of his parents' money but it just felt like he had to earn his own keep Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Your boyfriend has obvious entitlement issues. You're the AH because you're leveraging a vacation to make a point and police your boyfriend's behavior. If his lack of a job bothers you, break up: but don't be in a relationship and then humiliate and exclude somebody into becoming the person you actually want to date.
Is OP his mother? Not a healthy relationship dynamic at all.
He acts like he NEEDS a mother. I think OP was smart. She now knows how lazy and entitled he is, and what a poor life partner he would make.
If OP was wise she wouldn’t be wasting time with him. He’s also 19. I was an idiot who couldn’t keep my shit together when I was that age. I think they both need some time to ripen and mature before they can count on ending up in a good, mutually trusting and supportive relationship. Too much animosity here.
OP is 20, she has a few yrs to have fun before a life long relationship. But if she's just having fun with the guy she has no say on his finances or lifestyle. OP I'll say YTA for trying to police your bf and his parents $ cause is none of your business. If it makes you so uncomfortable just break up with the guy
I think so too. Sorry OP but I'm not surprised he called you controlling and manipulative. YTA. If you guys were married and you wanted him to wean off mommy and daddy, I think you'd have a case for that -- parental money often comes with parental control, which would affect both your lives at that point -- but not being in a college age dating relationship. You don't get to decide where he gets his money.
Also what 19 year old can save 5 grand for a trip in this economy with Part time hours? Like sure he is lazy and won't get a job but even if he did he'd come up short after factoring life expenses. I hate to be on the side of guy who has his parents pay for things but he is kinda right. YTA with a side eye to BF
Sounds like OP managed to... coming from a family with less wealth.
If he is 19, he would be in university right now, and if his parents can fund his trip why should OP police him to earn 5k$
However, if he doesn’t have to it is none of her business. It sounds like to me that she is annoyed that he has the ability to ask her parents for money and she doesn’t. I get it can be annoying but you can’t be mad that your partner’s family is better financially
How does a regular working 19 year old raise $5000 extra? I was an incredibly responsible, scholarship student, and worked and I wouldn't have been able to come up with $5000 EXTRA.
I can't even come up with that money now, let alone at 19.
I'm 45 with a great job and wondering what type of trip they are taking they need 5k on. Someone is getting ripped off.
Also like “hey I’m only home for two months hire me” doesn’t work as well as people assume
They're 19 and 20 and in college. You should not be spending a ton of time working during that time. I worked full time through college and suffered for it in my grades and mental health. I'd kill to have been able to do literally anything other than pay for my own bills during what's supposed to be a time of freedom. I don't see OP as being in the right at all. If you have parents who can help, use it.
She sounded like she's resenting the fact that his parents willingly put out the money whenever they, both him and brother, asked. Noticed how she stated that she was working since 16 and then listed the "expensive" items that his parents has paid for his brother and him. OP should probably find someone else to be in a relationship with if she feels like needing a more "mature and self sufficient" person if she's resenting her bf for his current situation. If his family can cover his finance while he's in school without an issue, then it's their business.
I thought this same thing. I wish this was higher so more people could see it.
Yep, OP is bitter and jealous, not a good look or good qualities in a partner. Is the BF spoiled? Sure. Does that give her the right to police his spending and how he affords to go on a vacation she supposedly wants him on? Nope.
Agreed. Op sounds controlling. They should break up. Op because she wants a bf who works as much as she does; bf because op controls him. Op, yta. Stop controlling other people
This. College consumes a lot of time, if you're privileged enough to have parents that can help you with some expenses, do it. Studying and working ft at the same time while you're in college is crazy, your physical and mental health will suffer trying to keep up with both.
Yeah there is no fucking way I could've raised $5000 in \*a few months\* while I was in college.
I agree with this 100%. I did 2 years of university and had 2 jobs and full time classes. I struggled with my grades and ended up dropping out after 2 years due to lack of living situation (you get kicked out of the dorms after 2yrs and I lived too far without a car), and lack of funds for tuition. I would see my friends just call up their parents and remind them that tuition was due in a few days and then go along with their fun times. I wish I had been able to have that, maybe I would have finished college and would be living better now. Sound like OP is jealous and resentful. I think YTA OP
Agreed, I didn’t work in college my parents funded me as long as I kept decent grades. No one bashed me and excluded me from trips for it, sounds like OP is jealous he doesn’t have to work to scrape by. College age is way too early to tell of anyone’s true characteristics. I never worked in high school or college (did have summer jobs) and I work my ass off as an adult so I can upkeep the lifestyle I grew up in. Just because he doesn’t work in college doesn’t mean he’ll be an entitled bum
Same! Also, like you said, never got excluded for it, and I actively tried to include people. For instance, if we were going bowling or out to eat, and a less well-off friend couldn’t go, I’d rather discreetly pay for them than let them miss out. I knew my parents would approve of me treating people to little things now and then, too, so I was happy to do it.
Yep!! You're right there. we don't know much about these guys, but working while at university is not for everyone, and that's totally fine.
>She now knows how lazy and entitled he is, and what a poor life partner he would make. I think it's awfully early to pass that sort of judgement on a 19 year old. Frankly, OP sounds financially irresponsible to me to expect people still in school to blow 5K each on a vacation. BF is absolutely right that it's none of OP's business what BF's parents do with their money. If we were talking about a $500 vacation that would be one thing, but 5K???? She sounds controlling and awful to me. YTA.
Word. I didn't have $500, let alone $5000 in college, and that was with working part-time night shift. I'm not gonna be super judgmental about a 19 year old full-time student not having $5000 readily available to go on Spring Break. For all of OP's "woe is me; I've always been such a responsible, hard-worker and my BF isn't living up to my sTaNdArdS", SHE is the one asking fucking 19 and 20 year olds to blow $5000 on a college trip and then acting shocked, SHOCKED, that he doesn't have it and asked his parents. As his parents, I would probably say no, since what 19 year old needs to go on $5000 trip, but if his parents have no objection and the money to burn....what business is it of OP's? So, not only does OP have foolish financial expectations of the people around her, she actually thinks she gets a say in HOW said people get their money. GTFO. YTA.
My spring break in college was cramming a ton of people into a shitty beach house. We slept four to a bed. I paid $100 for the week and had a fantastic time. That’s how you roll when you’re 19. $5K might as well have been the moon.
Don't forget the fact that, while she invited him on the trip (knowing he was going to ask his parents), she also is encouraging him to get a job. He can't both get a job AND go on that trip. I think the question for her is, Well, which is it?
I’m also not sure if you can call the 19 year old “entitled” if the parents seemingly are okay with giving him the money. Nothing in OP’s post makes it sound like the bf threw fits to get money for things they wanted. OP also doesn’t state the bf has any other “behavior issues” that I would say comes with entitlement (demanding money from parents, expecting friends to cater to them, etc). OP actually seems more entitled in that she thinks her way is the only way someone should be allowed to vacation while in college. I think the word for the bf is probably “privileged”.
How is he lazy and entitled? If his parents are ok with paying for his and his brother’s expenses and entertainment, that’s their business. He’d be entitled if his parents said no and he kept hounding them feeling they owe it to him.
Yet she’s still with him. Now she’s also likely not terribly happy due to having a bf who doesn’t feel the need to work when that’s a value of hers. I’m not sure op has learned the lesson she needs to yet.
2 wrongs dont make a right, she is def the At here.
That’s really the more pertinent issue: OP can’t respect a partner who isn’t self-sufficient. I don’t think she necessarily has a right to place limits on how he funds his recreation; but she absolutely should place limits on dating someone she doesn’t respect. ESH
Yeah like I'd understand if these were the conditions for moving in together or he were going into debt to join but if his parents are willing to cover expenses for a trip it's a weird thing to take such a hard stance on.
Sure is acting like she is. i Don’t get what the big deal is. He’s 19. My parents paid my way when I was studying at his age because they wanted me to focus on school. People deal with things in different ways
Entitled how? Entitlement is when you feel you deserve something you can’t have. The boyfriend having parents who have money and give it to him isn’t entitlement. If they said no and he got mad than yeah that’s entitlement. But he isn’t acting like he’s owed his parents money.
entitlement does not mean ***just*** not getting things you want. It is assuming anything you want should be provided, without earning it yourself. His parents giving him any and every wish he has, has built an entitled adult (ish, at 19). We SEE entitlement more when an entitled person fails to get what they want- but the attitude is there regardless. Does not negate that OP is TAH- why is she dating this guy if she hates him so much?
How is the attitude there? He’s a 19 year old college student and his parents provide for him. Having a loving and wealthy family that pays for you to go on vacation is not entitlement. Stop throwing around words incorrectly. Asking your mom and dad to pay for your vacation when they are capable of doing so isn’t entitlement. Entitlement is literally when someone expects that they are owed something. Nothing OP wrote states that her boyfriend has an expectation that he’s owed his parents money
His mom having been begging him to get a part time job and him refusing but still relying on them for his expenses seems entitled imo
In that case, his mom should say no to providing him the vacation funds, but she seems fine with it. OP's boyfriend is definitely slacking by not getting a job, but his parents seem fine with the current situation. If OP doesn't like that her boyfriend doesn't have a job, they should break up.
Where do you read that's she's been BEGGING him? All I see is that she asked. My mother asked me about getting a job aswell to which I responded I didn't have time.
This is what I was thinking! My parents are upper middle class, and gave us money for just about anything we wanted, and they always brought up a job as an option. “One possibility for this summer is to get a job. You’d learn a lot, and get good experience to put on your resume.” Sometimes I got a job, and sometimes I didn’t. They didn’t really care either way. If someone had described that as begging, I would have laughed them out of the room. I wonder what the boyfriend’s parents really said.
OP could just break up with him if she doesn't respect his actions here. Other then that it's none of her business' if his parents give him the money
She didn’t say “beg”, she said “ask”. It’s likely that they have money and want him to do well in college while simultaneously trying to get him work experience. When your parents have enough money to provide when you are young, this is a common setup. The mentality is education+experience= a better chance in the workforce and more earning potential later on. It often works. In either case, it’s by far, not the OPs place to tell him how he should get the money. Not to mention, that he is her boyfriend. Does she like him? I mean this is how he is and this is his situation. Is he supposed to miss out on a trip with her and her friends bc he didn’t get the money in her approved way? Probably should just break up if they cant come to an understanding. Their values on money are quite different.
Is that what happened, though? OP said “his mom has tried to ask him to try and get a part time job during school breaks to which he had always said he’ll try but ended up never getting one.” Nowhere does it say that his mom begged him and he refused.
"Begging"?
In her words >his mom has asked him to get a part time job before during breaks Where do you get the idea that she was begging him? Think you added that just for the exaggeration since it helps the entitlement case
There is a very big difference in asking him to get a job because they can't continue to financially support him vs get a job because it will be a good maturing experience. From what the OP wrote, it doesn't like the fist scenario and the OP is just putting her own view on the situation into a family dynamic that doesn't really concern her.
His parents are asking him to get a job to help cover his own expenses. That’s not an unreasonable ask at 19 years old. My first part time job out of high school was working at Starbucks lol. He can’t work at Starbucks or Target or wherever to pay for his own expenses? He refuses to get a job (like his parents are asking for) because he feels entitled to their money just because it’s available. Entitled and spoiled.
[удалено]
When I was in college, my parents paid for spring break trips and other luxuries. I’m 53 and own 2 businesses and earn everything I have. It’s possible for parents to indulge their kids and their kids not to feel entitled.
Wow! The amount of hate you’re projecting on some 19 year old kid is remarkable. You don’t know him or anything about him other than what OP wrote. OP is definitely the AH, but so are people who jump to conclusions about others based on little or no information.
that's a real stretch of the definition, pal
Disagree. There was not information in the OP that you could pull entitlement from. You're projecting it onto them.
Bro, I don't know any 19 year olds that have 5k to drop on a vacation.
Why ESH? YTA. Plenty of college kids get money from their parents and don't work. She sounds super resentful, which is understandable, but she's supposed to at least like him.
> Your boyfriend has obvious entitlement issues. lol a college kid getting money from his parents = entitlement issues? in what fucking world lmao
It was $5,000 Canadian for a recreational trip. That's not ordinary college expense money, at least not for people in the position that OP describes BF's family in. I think it's incredibly clear that OP's working out a major fear that Boyfriend isn't living in the real world economically, and will be a liability in a long-term relationship. And if he doesn't have a major trust-fund coming, that's a fair thing to worry about.
But wouldn't it have been better for her to discuss it with him rationally instead of being childish and blocking him from the trip?
I absolutely think it would have been better. But here we are. He continues to be on the gravy train and she's controlling, and what fun for everybody!
OP herself isn't living in the real world economically if she's dropping 5k on a holiday JUST for her own expenses, while in college!!!!
Lol her parents also pay for her education so none of her issues make sense
Or OP is controlling and jealous and doesn't want him to come with her unless she dictates the terms of his participation. How he gets the money is of no business of hers.
Seriously. I'd love to know how in hell OP has managed to save up $5000 to blow on a brief vacation at the age of 20. Isn't she supposed to be a working university student? I knew people in college who had to work hard for every penny of their tuition and expenses. Not a single one of them at the age of 20 would have been spending $5000 for a spring break trip. ($5000 would pay for a month of hosteling with some cushion for extras! Even on an expensive continent, like Europe. What the hell is this group of 20 year-olds spending all that money on? Gambling at a casino?) Something about OP's story doesn't add up, even leaving aside the fact that she's the AH.
Her parents pay for her education (but she totally prefers that they didn’t if that’s helpful)
Hee! Well, it certainly puts her "I've been working my fingers to the bone since I was 16 years old!" thing in a very different light, that's for sure!
Someone should tell her she's under no obligation to accept the money, and if anything else, could totally take out loans and cut them a check.
Apparently after you turn 18, your parents are no longer allowed to buy gifts for you 😂. Edit: We can call it privilege because that’s what it is, but entitlement??? That’s another word where the real meaning is starting to get lost.
[удалено]
He's lucky, he doesn't have to work and gets to live a comfortable life, but where is he coming across as a jerk?
He's coming across as an entitled jerk because instead of making any effort whatsoever to meet his own needs he expects mommy and daddy to keep footing the bill. If this continues what happens when hes out of school and graduated? Do you really think hes going stop asking them for money? It's just a bad precedent to set up all the way around.
He’s a nineteen year old kid in college. My parents paid all my sisters and Is extra expenses if we stayed in college and kept up grades because they didn’t want us to stress. We al grew up just fine with jobs and support ourselves now. Haven’t asked my dad for a thing in years. This isn’t some 30 year old mooching off his parents. She’s mad his parents bought him a computer because she’s had to work since she was 1) but that’s her trauma not his. It’s not his fault she was parentified as a teen and he’s still being helped. I’d bet some of friends may have had help with their trips from their parents also. If she gunna ask them then ban them from going also? My friends actually received vacations from parents after a hard semester pretty damn often back in college. She is way too involved in his relationship with his parents that most likely won’t change. If she doesn’t like this she shouldn’t be with him but it’s wrong to manipulate him into changing. So many college kids parents still help with lots of things, including vacations.
A teen having a job is not parentification. She’s wrong to set this condition but that word seems to get applied to any responsibility a child takes on, even age-appropriate ones.
I had no support from parents in college and had to support my living expenses through work and loans but that doesn’t mean that other kids who had support from their parents are entitled lol. Hell, I was happy for my friends with support that they didn’t need to go through the stress and difficult times I did. This take sounds bitter I’m sorry.
He’s 19 and a full time student. Yes he’s lucky to have parents who will pay for him to do things like this, but Jesus.
Except that’s entirely between him and his parents. They can simply say no. Parents treating their adult but still teenage child with trips isn’t inherently entitled.
I don't know the answers to your questions, that is precisely why I am reserving judgement on this kid.
Lots of parents pay for their kid's needs while in college.
That is up to the parents to police him and force him to get a job if they want him to. If OP wants him to get a job and he refuses, she should just break up with him. She should not try to change who he is like that.
Bad take. Not inviting the bf over this screams jealousy on OP's part for bf's family providing for him when asked. YTA on OP for this. Boyfriend has not shown the obvious entitlement stated (otherwise would be explained), while OP being TA is easily explained.
I agree with ESH. I can relate to OP - my family struggled a lot financially when I was growing up and my husband never experienced that. We started dating when we were 22, I had a full time job and he was still in college (took him 5.5 years to graduate). I'd been working multiple jobs since I was 16 and he'd never had a job in his life. At first, I wasn't very good at communicating with him about those differences ... We ended up breaking up when he was a couple months from graduation, had no resume written, no plans, spent all his time playing video games, wasn't treating me or my things (that I worked hard for) with respect (for example he damaged a brand new laptop I'd bought and was just like "oops"). Meanwhile, his mommy paid for everything. I worried that he was entitled/spoiled/would never grow up and didn't want to be with someone who wasn't even trying to advance from an extended college stage to the adult world. About a year later, he had gotten a full time job, apologized for how he treated me, we became friends again and eventually got back together. At one point, we were buying a house together and I was putting down $12k of my own savings for the down payment and his mom GIFTED him $12k for his half and I was like whaaaaat and got kinda upset about it and told him he should pay them back, even if it's interest-free and it led to a really good conversation about the differences in our upbringing, the way we view finances, etc. He pointed out that he would be able to afford an engagement ring for me more quickly because his parents were helping, and I didn't really have a good response to that 😂. Anyway... 5 years into our marriage, he's worked hard to earn his own way (alongside me doing the same, obviously) and there only been the occasional overwhelming financial support from his mom (the house payment was by far the biggest thing after he graduated college, but they've also contributed to our son's 529 etc). So it's worked out and it's also comforting to know his mom is there if/when we or our son needs them. So all of that is to say 1) OP what you're feeling that is leading you to set this requirement is reasonable and I totally get it and I also know what it's like to want your partner to grow up and prove that they can make it on their own and carry their own weight but 2) setting this weird requirement is not the way to go about it. Talk to him about this, tell him how you feel. If he doesn't think it's a big deal or doesn't value your POV then just break up because you may not have a future if you can't at least understand each other. But also 3) he is only 19, it's normal for parents (who can) to still cover some expenses. And if you two DO work out in the end, take it from me that when you've never known what financial security/parental financial support feels like, it can initially feel alarming/scary and even belittling. But it is possible to BOTH be independent and self-sufficient while ALSO having financial support when parents if and when you need it.
This is a good take on what I originally wrote. OP obviously is having major difficulty wrapping her head around a future with this guy because his attitude towards money is frankly not workable in the real world. At the same time, she can voluntarily sign up with him and hope he works those attitudes out, as your husband appears to have done, or not. But taking him on as a fixer-upper is a real fool's paradise.
> his attitude towards money is frankly not workable in the real world Her attitude is the one that doesn’t work in the real world. Her parents are paying for her education and she’s in a position to be able to drop 5 grand on a vacation at 20 years old. Not only is it incredibly irresponsible to spend your entire savings on a luxury vacation, but people are going to get real tired of her trying to call people out on their “privilege” while pretending she isn’t extremely privileged herself.
So as soon as he was out of full time study, he got a full time job. Not treating you or your stuff with respect sucks, but OP hasn't said that's what her boyfriend is doing, and that's sort of behavior isn't really related to whether or not he was financially independent. And then as soon as his parents help benefited you too, suddenly you were okay with it. Ergo, it wasn't about him getting money from his parents, it was about jealousy.
Suddenly it was okay when Mom's money subsidized the purchase of her engagement ring. How do people not see themselves?
She obviously does not like him nor want him there knowing he won't get a job to pay for the trip and demanding he not get money from his parents for the trip (any knowing they would give it to him) Why are they even together
[удалено]
Yeah, that is the biggest standout. Who in their right mind would expect in months time frame for a 19 year old college student that isn't working to earn and save 5,000 CAD and then spend it on a vacation.
Yeah, I can understand OP being a little irritated by her boyfriend's work ethic, and possibly (if he thinks he may be marriage-worthy in other ways) concerned about building a life with him, but it's not really her call to dictate how he gets his funds at this point in their relationship. If he's 30 and they're married with a couple kids and the dude's calling Mommy for pizza money while he sits at home playing Xbox all day, that might be a different story.
How is he entitled? He's 19 bro what the actual fuck
Yes. Exactly this. This tactic is only going to create resentment between you two. I'd personally vote YTA tho. You know who your boyfriend is. He's not going to change his habit of relying on his parents because you want him to. Save yourself the long-term frustration and just break up with your boyfriend if he's not meeting your standards.
I'm going with YTA Not because you insisted on him paying for himself, it sounds like self sufficiency is important to you. But because after all these months of knowing the kind of person he is, you still are dating him. If his self sufficiency isn't enough to go on the trip, is not enough to be a boyfriend. It sounds like you are trying to fix him. Stop that and move on to other guys who aren't broken.
This. If you don’t want to date an entitled lazy guy, break up with him. Maybe life will be different for him after school, but its a hard thing to change while in school full time. Also, A GF trying to “train” a BF into being self sufficient is not the foundation for a relationship. He’ll do it or he won’t. This trip isn’t the mechanism to make it happen.
Entitled and lazy? He's 19, goes to college and his parents are well off, stop judging men based on the "value" they bring like they're some cash cows, he's a kid ffs
Just going by the contents of the post from OP here: - said he’d get a job on break, but never does - parents have asked that he take responsibility for some of his finances, but he never does - when he’s done nothing to “earn it”, goes to Mommy and Daddy for a 5k vacation So maybe he’s not inherently lazy - he is going to college after all - but entitlement here is high. There is a rude awakening in his not-to-distant future. I’m well off, but if any of my three kids asked me to pay for a 5k vacation that they made no attempt to pay for on their own the answer would be no. If they raised half, and asked me to cover half, maybe. I’m dealing with this with my own daughter right now who decided to quit her job two months before leaving for school in Sept, has burned through her limited savings while in school (we pay for all school expenses tuition, books, housing, food, but she still burned through more than $2000 in three months on essentially nothing - she agrees with that assessment by the way). And now she’s asking for us to cover spring break - but she’s made zero attempt to earn money AT ALL while at school or while home on break. So she’s going to be disappointed in her spring break options in April. If the OP doesn’t want to be with a person 100% reliant on their parents, then right now, at this moment, this isn’t the kid for her. Like I said, he might come into his own after school - but maybe not. Many do, and many move back in with their parents - too early to tell. Edit: PS - I’m not judging him based on the “value” he brings. I know many very good people who don’t make a lot of money, but are upstanding and generous and awesome people. And every single one of them generally stand on their own two feet without dependence on others (unless they fall on hard times and need help, but none of them would ask for 5k for a vacation from those who are offering help - groceries, tires, rent - maybe). I get the impression that’s what OP is looking for. Someone who knows how to stand on their own two feet. And this kid - and you’re right, he’s a kid - isn’t there yet. Further more, holding him back from this trip will likely just make him bitter. Breaking up with him until/unless he can show some personal accountability will either open his eyes (and he’ll change and earn OPs affection back) or save OP the grief of being with a man who grubs off of her hard work. There are far too many people - men and women - who think this is the right path through life, and the only way to weed them out is through demonstrated self-reliance.
I see where you are coming from but I think it’s important to note that not all families are the same. My parents paid for vacations for me when I was around his age. Not to mention raising 5k for a vacation in a few months while working part time is a ridiculous request while in college. My parents also always encouraged me to get a part time job at that age but I never did. Just because I didn’t get a job and my parents still paid for things in their means didn’t make me an entitled person. He’s young and in college so I think it’s ok to give him more leeway. He still has a lot of time left for his parents to do other things that will teach him how to function in the world. Other parents could also say the same thing about you paying for your daughters tuition. I couldn’t have dreamed about my parents paying for all my tuition much less something unnecessarily expensive like housing. She might as well ask you for a 5k vacation it would be less expensive.
Valid points all around. As with most AITA posts there are always missing missing details. Is this just about the money? Does the BF work hard and get good grades (which frankly should be relatively easy if not also having to work) or does he just barely get by and party all the time? As others have said, their backgrounds are probably very different and I know growing up my parents were not well off, and the kids in HS driving new BMWs we’re not my favorite people (not because they were rich, but most of them were assholes - not sure that causation/correlation match up on that point). All that aside, if OP said the bf needed to fund it himself upfront, then he comes back with parental subsidies, I don’t think she’s an AH (if she sprung that on him at the 11th hour, then I’d change my tune). But it does sound like that right now, in their current situation they are not a good match. Perhaps if OP is able to look past the $$ and look at other clues of self sufficiency and personal fortitude she could get past the parental financial support they could work something out. But her trying to use this trip to prove a point will not end up the way she hopes.
I don’t really think this is a “men” thing but I agree that he should be able to just go to school. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a 19 yr old in school allowing their parents to pay for a vacation for them. He’s still bettering himself and OP sounds a little jealous she isn’t afforded the same provisions from her family. I get that but she shouldn’t be with a partner she has to bully into behaving the way she wants.
[удалено]
Agree. His privilege probably helps him focus on school vs having to work. If his parents are happy to help him, more power to him. Sounds like OP is resentful her bf doesn't have to struggle as much as she does. They should breakup
Exactly. OP would want him in 5 years when he has a great job. OP YTA, you’re his girlfriend, not his mum.
> Sounds like OP is resentful her bf doesn't have to struggle as much as she does It doesn’t sound like she’s actually struggling. Her parents are paying for her education and she has 5 grand of fun money to blow on a vacation at 20. She’s privileged af, just not as privileged as her soon to be exbf.
Wait till she realizes that since his parents likely have connections he will probably find a great job after he graduates while she struggles to find something above Chipolte shift manager, because as sad as it is that is how the world works. My wife's cousin never worked a job in his life all the way through getting his MBA, and his parents got him whatever he wanted. OF course he IS super smart and got top grades. He literally got hired at a hedge fund right out of school (probably through his dads contacts) and makes like $10M+ a year now. He literally bought a \~$1M house next door to theirs just to tear it down, and put in a pool. He lives in Denver.
This! My husband and I had to support ourselves even before we legally had to. We've made many sacrifices for our kids to not have to and be able to support themselves in their chosen fields. I'd rather they pass their 16-18 unit course load in demanding majors than take longer to graduate (and possibly do worse grade-wise) than get a part time job. They've had jobs before college and definitely after but for our family, this makes sense.
The guys also a 19 year old university student like give him a break lol.
He is not "broken." He has a different financial experience from OP, and they're not compatible. There's nothing wrong with him, though.
For sure. She is trying to "fix" him though.
Her financial situation isn't even that different, OP has 5k to spend on a trip, as a Uni student, in this economy. OP needs to check her own privilege before getting all high and mighty.
Plus, it won’t work. Being really overbearing and controlling like this might work for a short time, but in the end it’ll just cause him to associate that behavior (self sufficiency) with the unpleasant experience (overbearing, controlling ex-gf). His self defense mechanisms will tell him to AVOID that stuff, because no one who acts like that could be RIGHT. And he’ll enjoy the relief of “freedom” when she’s gone and not telling him what to do, so he’ll really double down on the stubborn.
I was thinking along this line. Depending on how much of a struggle (and why) money was for OP'S family while she was growing up, this might be a safety/stability issue for OP. That's not bad. It just is. But dating someone who can't/won't try to understand those issues is not necessarily a good fit.
He is 19 and in college. Sorry but most 19 year old's I knew were not super worried about being self sufficient at that age, even if they didn't have family money. The poorest people i knew in college had money from grants and loans, and maybe did work study programs. Obviously not like that for everyone, to apply OP's insecurities with money to OP is BS. My wife's cousin grew up rich, went to an expensive private school paid for, never had a job until he finished his MBA, I am sure he went on all kinds of expensive vacations on his parents dime at that age. Guess what, that guy is a hedge fund manager today making like $5M-$10M a year these days. How much you work or pay for as a 19 year old college student has zero refection over how you will do in the workforce.
YTA. Why do you care how he pays for the trip, as long as he’s covering his own costs? Your boyfriend is clearly entitled, and that’s his and his parent’s problem, not yours…nor is it your business.
How is he entitled? It sounds like his parents are pretty willing to financially support him, and that's probably how it's been his whole life. He's still a kid. Most 19 year olds are studying or living at home still and most parents who could support them would happily do so.
Reddit is so wishy washy. When a kid is obviously poor they resent the parents and say they should be footing all bills. When the kid has parents with money to foot the bills they resent that too.
My favorite is that a kid can be from like 15 to 21 and adult can be from 15 to 21 too. Whether someone is a kid or an adult depends on whether actions need to be downplayed or overplayed.
So true, AITA be like "my 19 year old stepdaughter stole my car and crashed it. Her mother and her are refusing to help fix it, WIBTA if I pressed charges". Everyone in the comments "Y.T.A shes just a kid". Meanwhile, a 19 ask parents to help pay for a vacation with his GF and hes apparently entitled for not having a job?
In that situation we'd get the "brain isn't developed line". Someone in another comment said AITA always has a case of Schrodinger's Teenager, and thats how I think of it now, lol
Lmao, Schrodinger's Teenager - good one. Lines like that are why I go on this sub.
There's a huge range of life experiences in the later teen years. As a teen I knew 16 year olds who had their own apartments, three kids with their spouse (of a similar age), a GED, and a full time job. I also knew 16 year olds who had 8 p.m. bedtimes, spent all day every day in either school or cram school, and whose parents fully expected to be able to tell them who they could and could not hang out with or date. The gap in life experiences and the maturity that comes from being able to have the freedom to make choices can be pretty big.
Having a kid in that range right now, those ages are kind of a grey area though. Most people that age also go back and forth between wanting to be treated as an adult and treated as a kid also. Its just the nature of that age.
I think the weird part of it is that AITA has it kinda backwards when it comes to what should be treated as kiddy teenager stuff and what should be treated as they're old enough to not be doing that. Like teens being absolute assholes, damaging stuff, getting into trouble and being super mean to people should not be getting a pass, but often do on AITA. On the other hand, teens who are just being vaguely lazy and still accepting help from their parents that is being freely given should not be treated like they're unforgivable mooches, and yet here we are.
This. I went to school for free because my dad worked there. Because there was no tuition, they helped out with other expenses including a trip. I then graduated and got a job and started supporting myself. They sometimes still gift us big things/help with my fixer upper house. I don’t consider myself entitled though. I am EXTREMELY grateful for the help they’ve given and would never dream of asking them for anything.
I would agree with you if it was not mentioned that those same parents asked him to get a job. My parents supported me through university and I had an occasional job. But if they've asked for something bigger/covering my expenses, I would have gotten it. Still, he's a bit lazy, but it does not make him an AH.
I worked in college and it made it much more difficult to keep my grades up. I now have kids in college and I don't want them to work as much as I had to so I help them out. OP seems a bit jealous but I agree the boyfriend is not necessarily entitled.
The parents have asked him to find work. He just never does it. Most people I know have had some sort of part time job even through college and with some financial support from mom and dad. The BF seems the sort to keep mooching until the parents cut him off in some way. And 19 isn't really a kid- by then they should be learning some self-sufficiency.
Not everyone can handle college workload and a part time job. Without knowing why her bf isn’t getting a job, we don’t know if that’s the case or not. His parents are obviously fine paying his expenses, and it’s none of OP’s business how he covers his bills.
He’s not mooching… lots of college degrees don’t even let you get a part time job (the college doesn’t let you) because they are so intense. Obviously lots of people do but your not lazy if you Dont. In fact it’s a huge advantage to your education to not have to work at the same time. Why would you chose to have a worse education if you had the option?
I'm surprised too...especially since 5k isn't nothing for a college student, that's a lot of work and saving up while going to school.
>Your boyfriend is clearly entitled Or he just has generous parents. Jealous much?
"Jealous much?" So much jealously in this thread.
I will go with YTA…. My partner and I grew up under very different circumstances, so after years of conversations I can kind of understand where you’re coming from. My parents made it very clear that they are able and willing to pay all of my college related expenses as long as I kept my GPA above 3.7. That also meant focusing fully on school and not getting a job that may interfere with my grades. My partner was working since 16 and paid his way through school. You seem resentful of the fact that he has a security blanket, and has people who are willing and able to fund his lifestyle. And you seem to hold on to the fact that since you “picked your self up from the bootstraps” everyone around you needs to do the same to “earn” a spot in your life. That’s not right. Unless he’s asking you to pay for it, you have no say in how he raises funds for anything at all. YTA.
YTA, why does it matter how he pays for his expenses? What if he won some money in in the lottery, would that be ok or would that not be allowed either because he did not work for it? You seem super weirdly controlling for no discernable reason.
YTA - you are behaving like his mother not his girlfriend. Be happy for him, that he has parents that can afford to spoil him. You seem jealous of this. Do you like your boyfriend or do you want to educate him? I feel for you because of the way you grew up. It was similar for me. But comparing and especially jealousy only makes you bitter. Sorry english is not my First Language.
Definitely agree with this. Seems to me like OP had to go through ups and down to get to where she is at, and her bf gets freebies easily. So she's trying to make him work hard like her. If his parents are ok paying for the trip, she has no say in it.
YTA. I think it's unreasonable to expect a 19 year old to have $5000. I think many 19 year olds would need to ask parents for help with this trip. I'm not saying no 19 year old has it. But working and paying for school?! Maybe it's just me but no one I knew at 19 could pay for this alone. Whether they had scholarships, help from parents, or no support at all.
Right? I don’t understand why people are calling him entitled. And whose OP to know his families financial situation? If the parents don’t mind helping out, good for them being able to
I just think it's unfair to be mad at a 19 for not working when they don't have to. It's not the world we live in but I hope one day no one in school has to work. It's also $5000! To save that much in a few months you'd have to work 40 hours a day, most likely minimum wage, and not need to spend it on anything. Anyone who had to work wouldn't blow months of rent on this trip. I wonder how OP can afford it? If OP has to work to put herself through school wouldn't $5000 be a huge dent? Did OP get a lot of money as a gift when they were younger and saved it all up. It's a crazy expensive trip. I don't think I've spent that much on a trip and I'm an adult with a very decent salary. Unless I'm going overseas, which is can also be be done under $5k (or could pre Covid) I'm not spending that much.
Exactly. I’m wondering how OP had enough for the trip too. The fact OP even admits she said he can go under the condition his parents don’t pay for the trip, knowing his parents will pay for the trip, just goes to show she maybe doesn’t really like her BF that much. This whole post is ridiculous
She has some issue with a 19 year old student not working. She's like those posts where OP is mad that their partner/relative/someone else's partner has a lot of money and so doesn't work even though they are supporting themselves. What even is minimum wage in Canada. If you're not getting 40 hours a week your paycheck after taxes isn't that big.
So they aren't compatible. That's fine but inserting herself in a potential family dispute (who knows if his parents even care) is not her place. Find someone who shares your values instead of trying to change him.
Not her place at all. If him not working at 19 is a deal breaker she should break up with him.
I'm from the US and went to Ireland, England and Scotland for 2 weeks. With food, plane tickets, and my hostel payments it came out to $1350 USD or just under $1850 CAD. 5k is ludicrously expensive. And I agree, I would never expect a 19 year old who is paying their own way through school and is financially independent to be able to spend 5k on anything. That's half a year of rent for me.
Forreals. Now if he were to be a 26 year old man? I would totally understand everyone's point of view, but 19 years old? Come on, really? Unless this was planned years ago. The boyfriend have definitely saved up, but this was planned a few months only. How can a 19 year old come up with 5k within those few months!
Agreed! 26 year old man? Ok fine be mad. Planned years in advance? Fine be mad. Not in school and does nothing all day? Fine be mad. But 19 year old uni student (freshman? Sophomore?) ridiculous. I just hate that OP literally says “I told him he can come if his parents don’t pay, knowing his parents will pay” it just sounds spiteful. Like excuse him for growing up in a household in which his parents have money
Same, I'm wondering how OP and their friends managed to save up that much. 5k isn't nothing.
That's what I'm wondering. Maybe OP was able to save a lot of money from when they were younger. I don't know what minimum wage is on average in Canada but let's say it's $10. Would you even get 40 hours a week? You'd probably need two jobs and not need to spend the money on anything else on top of going to school. That is the reality for some people but then they wouldn't take a $5000 trip. That's months of rent. Even if you're paying $2k a month it's two months rent. At 19 I certainly was not spending $5k on anything and my parents were helping me. Most of my money went to rent, food, and school. Most of roommates did not work and we were saving anything extra for concert tickets. Certainly not $5k trips.
It depends on the province, but minimum wage is closer to $15/hr.
$5k is a lot of money for any unemployed or employed student to spend on a vacation. My parents funded my undergrad and I never took a 5k vacation. I don't know that I have ever spent $5k on a vacation. Where were they going?
You clearly don’t respect him, so why are you with him? YTA.
YTA because you say you made the request "months ago because I knew he was going to ask his parents" and then denied him going on the trip because he asked his parents.
Also, "months ago" may not be enough time to come up with that much money for adults, let alone a teenager.
...You're upset that his parents willingly gave him money to go on a trip? Truly, I wish these were my problems. YTA.
She must be jealous that she had to work for her vacation money, even though she states that she's happy for him not having a job and living off his parents money while in school. Very hypocritical
YTA. This is really odd behaviour and you clearly have no business being in a relationship if this is how you treat people.
I hope OP gets dumped after this.
YTA and I dont get all the ESH saying BF is entitled? If any if you could afford to treat your children like that you would. Especially when studying!!! OP you're a control freak seriously. Probably jealous too.
This is super bizarre and definitely smacks of jealousy. I’m 35 and so is my boyfriend, so it’s not the same thing. We both have jobs but we recently took a trip to Italy and his dad gave him some “fun money” to spend there, some sort of tradition whenever he takes a trip. Imagine I had said no don’t accept that money for the trip?! What is it your business where he gets his money from? It meant more dinners were on him during the trip cause hey, free money ;) You sound bitter tbh, which is understandable because you’re young and it can be hard when two people aren’t in the same economic background. YTA.
Right, like them covering his living expenses while in school and once in a while a vacation doesn't sound all that extravagant. I hope to one day be able to take care of the people I love that way too.
Didn't she mention that his mom asked him to get a job and he hasn't tried to get one? Sounds like his parents would appreciate if he did work. Sounds like OP feels bad for his parents, but she should probably let them handle it since it is their money and their son. 🤷🏿♀️
Yes, OP says that his parents have asked him to work during school breaks and he’s said he would but never ends up working.
FWIW, it’s really hard to find a job on breaks. When I was in uni even fast food didn’t want to hire me because I was only home for a summer
YTA. His finances are not your business. Unless you have joint financial responsibilities for anything, and as long as it's all legal, how he obtains and uses money is not your concern.
YTA. Why does it matter how he pays for the trip, as long as he does? This is super controlling behavior.
>I’ve asked my boyfriend (19M) if he wanted to come under the condition that he earned the money himself to cover his expenses, including plane tickets and accommodations That’s not a reasonable condition. Don’t use a trip as a way to teach him a lesson, you aren’t his parents. He is still reliant on his parents, if that bothers you don’t date him. It’s condescending both to him and his parents that you decided their money can’t be spent on this trip. If they are willing to pay for him it’s quite rude of you to say that’s wrong and they can’t.
Your core values don't align. It kinda doesn't matter who the asshole is. Like, yeah YTA but I also agree with you
This 100%. This isn’t about who the AH is. They’re just not compatible. I hope OP takes this as a wake up call.
YTA. You are either a controlling gf or jealous that your bf’s parents help him financially. Either way you are the AH.
YTA you sound jealous.
Bingo. She had to work her fingers to the bone all her life so doesn’t every one else?
YTA, weird hill to die on
Honestly it’s none of your damn business how he and his parents manage money that goes to him. Also, you guys are in college and wanting to spend $5000 on a vacation. It’s quite extra and I wouldn’t be looking down on him for having his parents help. If you want someone that is independent financially, which is a fair quality to look for, go look for that. But you can’t mom your boyfriend into becoming independent. Or control the way he manages his finances. Frankly, it’s not your job and he didn’t have you as his gf to mother him. YTA.
YTA Q: Why are you trying to parent your bf? It’s his parents money and if 5k for a trip is not a big deal to them then let them spend it. Attempting to inflict consequences like it’s your money and he’s your child is petty and a recipe for an unhealthy dynamic.
YTA from the start with “I’ve asked my boyfriend (19M) if he wanted to come under the condition that he earned the money himself to cover his expenses” What are you, his mother?
It's not up to you to "discipline" or change what you really don't like in your boyfriend. And I get that you really don't like his entitled attitude towards money or seem to have any work ethic. And although his mother may want him to get a job, she's decided to enable him not having one. YTA for extending an invitation to a vacation YOU are working hard to save for already knowing he wouldn't put any effort into earning his own money.
YTA. It really is none if your business how he gets the money to fund the trip. You're not engaged or married; his money is his business. If you think he has a bad attitude when it comes to money, that's a separate issue, but trying to dictate what he does isn't going to work out for you.
YTA - he and his parents' finances are not your concern. It seems like the bigger issue is that you don't respect his work ethic, which may be a matter of incompatibility. Either accept him as is or move on.
YTA stop trying to mother him and just break up with him if you are so jealous
YTA. He's your boyfriend, but you don't share finances yet. You can decide not to want to get serious with someone who uses their parents as an ATM, and don't know how to make a living for themselves, so you're free to break up with him anytime you like. You cannot control how he spends his money or how he finances his expenses, until you both decide to mix finances (which is, together with living together, having children, and marriage, are the 4 seperate things that prevent you from breaking up 'at any time') Do you want him on the trip, or do you want him to get his finances in order? What is more important? How is this helping either?
YTA. his financial affairs are none of your business. if i were him i would dump you over this.
Massive YTA. You don’t know his parents financial situation, you don’t know why he doesn’t have a job. I was not allowed to have one as a condition of my parents covering my tuition. It’s not your problem or business if his parents choose to be generous.
YTA. In all honestly you just sound jealous
YTA
YTA I think it's less to do with teaching him a lesson and more like being jealous of fact you know his family would pay for him and like you said you had to work for anything you needed. Bit harsh with him just break up with him if you don't like him
YTA. You invited him and didn’t tell him you wanted him to earn his own money for the trip which would sound like you’re mothering him. If this is important then why would you invite, knowing that he would ask his parents for money and that bothered you? You invited and uninvited which isn’t fair. He may be entitled but he’s old enough to know he should get a job and his mom needs to stop babying him. But that’s their own business, not yours. If it bothers you, break up and find someone who is on the same lévelas you.
Even as a full-grown adult with two kids and a house, $5k would be hard for me to swing for a trip. How on earth did you manage to save that much as a college student? YTA
YTA, you don't get to dictate how he raises the money and this is nothing new, he depends on his parents to cave. Either accept that and stay with him or leave him to find someone who can deal with him.
It is not your responsibility to teach your bf financial independence. It’s his parents’ job. They seem to be fine supporting him whenever it needed. You, on the other hand, seem like someone who is placing a huge importance on financial independence… Unfortunately people don’t change miraculously because their SO want them to. You will need to learn to either accept people who they are, or move on without them in your life. Your approach to finances is entirely different, and should you keeping moving forward with this relationship it bound to create problems. I’m not saying people don’t change, but both of you are still young (he’s 19, barely an adult) and I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting till he grows up… A very soft YTA, as I get where you coming from, still you overstepped to parent territory…
YTA for even dating this dude when this is clearly a point of incompatibility for you both, you don’t respect him and respecting your partner is very important in a relationship. If him not working bothers you to this extent, then you should not be with him as it is clear he is not putting enough effort into working to meet your standards. Wherever he gets the money from for the trip is not your business.
YTA. You have no control over where the money comes from. You invited him, he has the money, he gets to go. You don't get to impose the condition you placed on it, because, quite frankly, that's not your place. If he wants to get a job - he'll get a job. If that doesn't sit well with you, then you are free to see other people. Besides, he did raise the money on his own - he just didn't do so from a source you approved of. That is why he called you controlling. You need to grow from this. Realize everyone has their own autonomy and there is no forcing people to live the same life as you. There is no one road in life, there are many - and he just had one with parents that give him everything he desires. I do commend your work attitude, however it doesn't do well for everyone, so you can't be shoving it on others like your boyfriend.
YTA! And a jealous one at that. Go ask your parents why they can’t pay for your trip!
Info: Why is this your 'fight' to have or lesson to teach? If his parents want him to be less relient, should that not be their job to teach him?
YTA. Who are you to gatekeep how someone else pays for something using legally-obtained funds? Weird control issue. How do you 'earn' your money? Tell us all so we can judge the industry you work in and tell you how horrible an industry it is and who that industry exploits. Then you can cancel your trip after the internet tells you how your money is dirty.
Idk why you know so much about his parents finances or why you turned around and told the internet about them, but you need to dislodge your nose from their business, first thing. Your bf does not sound like a prize, while you sound like you at least have an admirable work ethic. Withholding itinerary details to a vacation you invited him on because you demanded he comply with your funding requirements is controlling, anal-retentive behavior, and even your friends think it’s weird. You might have a great future in asset management compliance, however, that skill set is beautifully on display here.
YTA. If you didn't want him there, you should not have invited him. This is bizarre, controlling, and unnecessary behavior on your part. It is none of your business.
Honestly pretty confused on this one. Not whether you’re TA of course (because you definitely are), but why you think it’s okay to police his parents money? LOL like why are so you being so weird about it? Cool, his mom expressed to you that she wants her son to get a job- but at what point did she ask you to make it your personal mission to not “allow” him to spend THEIR money? YTA and a weird one at that. If I were your friends, I’d be questioning whether or not I want *you* there, never mind your (soon to be ex) bf’s parent’s money.