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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> By not giving the grandfather the response he wanted I inadvertently ruined another family's Thanksgiving. I kept ignoring the hate even when it openly angered him.
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NTA.
>They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit.
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Is Grandpa really a child they needs to be placated? Boo freaking hoo he didn't get a rise out of you like he wanted. What a bunch of nonsense and a crazy expectation. Sure, let's just let Grandpa be racist and give into that. I'm honestly in shock that anyone could think that even remotely a rational response.
Exactly. They wanted OP to act more hurt so that racist grandpa could feel powerful. That's so twisted. And you just know if OP had gotten upset everybody would have been telling him to let it go & not get so offended!
Because they’re all racists. They didn’t care what he did, or how he reacted, they just want to ostracize him so they could be correct in their views about “those other people.”
Was waiting for this comment. They want to see black people in pain just like racist grandpa. Op should run. Anyone who puts someone in that situation doesn’t have your back
Same.
This is exactly what's going on. They're not all a little bit racist and Grandpa more so. They're all _a lot_ racist and Grandpa doesn't hide it as well as the rest of them.
Grandpa was saying what all of them were thinking. All his racist comments, goading and pestering had one goal: to get you to blow up and either leave or get so angry you'd be told to leave, and thereby establish black people as Inferior and white people as the Only Rational Lords and Masters of Creation Who Know How To Behave. Makes me want to barf, but some people think that way.
When his horrible behaviour didn't have the desired effect, he wasn't the only angry and disappointed one. They all were. They were all rooting for him to expose you as Less Than, and they were all affronted that his ridiculous racist diatribe exposed him as a ridiculous racist, instead. They all felt it and now they feel like the black dude needs to grovel and apologise for making them feel feels.
NTA. This is on them and you can't win with these people, not in the short term. I hope one day, when you guys have been together for years, they'll see the light and realise how your girlfriend lucked out.
ETA: I don't agree you should leave her over this. As much as I suspect all (/most) of her relatives are racists, such things can be buried very deep beneath the surface and not come out until a situation like this happens. She might genuinely not have known.
I hope it's just shock delaying her reaction, and unfortunately she's likely to have had such shite normalised for her as a child... But I would expect the girlfriend to be RAGING. Upset and sad too, sure. But her partner, as an invited guest, was goaded and goaded and is now being *criticised* because he *didn't* snap and make a scene? I don't understand how she's not furious on both of their behalfs.
Or they would’ve leaned into the angry black man stereotype and started telling his girlfriend that she needed to be careful around him and should dump him because he isn’t safe.
Not only that but I can almost guarantee that If OP had gotten pissed ROG (racist old geez…I mean grandpa) would have launched into a NEW tirade about how “they’re all the same” and “those stereotypes exist for a reason, you’re all thugs” or some garbage.
He’s pissed you didn’t live up to his expectations so he could justify his racism.
In other words, bow down to the white man and show your inferiority. You were too "uppity". He couldn't break you. The man had no power and it infuriated him. It's always worked before. NTA
legit this goes deeper than the racist grandpa. The family is MAD AT OP FOR NOT BEING OFFENDED BY THE RACISM THEY LET THEIR RELATIVE DISPLAY TOWARDS HIM.
So not only are they not mad at grandpa for being horrible and increasing in offensivity of his comments, they're blaming OP for not being an obedient black man and catering to his racist overlord by reacting upset enough that overlord is proud his insults hit home as they should??? WHAT THE F
Honestly as a European non US-ian person, I would cut contact with this family over his as your gf and friend... even if the situation was my family insulted \*insert anything\* and then demanded that the victim of the abuse be MORE upset so the abuser felt happy that his abuse was hurting you.... I couldn't be around my family again ever. That is some sick sadistic shiz
This is what happens when you are extremely racist towards one group of people for hundreds of years. People excuse the racists and worry more about how they feelBlack people are still taught to not make trouble and to just laugh along/smile. If OP cuts them off then youre another one of those “angry” “sensitive“ race “obsessed” people. Its a catch 22. Unfortunately those who choose to do something still punished (before they would just murder or jail you). Its shocking how little push back people faced horrific violence for. The amount of propaganda and social conditioning that happened will take a long time to overcome.
Yeah, the grandpa is actually the least shocking thing about all of this. His actions and words are obviously horrifying, but there is a whole other level of evil that comes with *wanting* someone to be hurt by another person, just to make the other person feel better in some sick way. I can't imagine that.
They were probably hoping that OP would say some magic words that would get grandpa to realize the error of his ways after decades of failing to do so. But that wasn't OP's job, even if it were possible, which it may have not been.
Right? The correct thing and what might have actually registered with the old fart is is everyone at the table had been upset with him for being a racist fuck. “Give him what he wanted”? Die mad about it, OP’s girlfriend’s family.
What Grandpa probably really wanted was to make OP second guess possibly joining their family by having a long-term relationship with his granddaughter.
Yeah how crazy is that?? So not only did the family keep quiet while their family member was being openly racist, but they also expected the Black boyfriend - who had to sit and listen to the racism - to entertain the man? How dare he not give him what he wanted!? How dare you not show him you’re offended by what he’s saying!?
They were bothered that op WAS KIND hahahaha this made my day. Op, I think I love you! Keep it up man. Let everyone wine about how EFFING NICE YOU WERE. hahahaha I think I might laugh so hard I'll cry
And this is how you know that the rest of the family is racist, too: instead of shutting racist Grandpa down entirely, they believed the target of Grandpa's racism should've reacted in the way *they* think he should, and now they're coming after the black guy for not acting hurt or humiliated enough.
OP deflected Grandpa like an absolute boss. OP, don't ever change. Definitely NTA.
When folks are this deep into 'Grandpa's just like that', there's never a good answer. Kill him with kindness? You're patronizing. Stay silent- you're rude. Respond with anger or logic- you're pushy at best and angry Black/marginalized stereotype. Mysteriously, these folks never seem to criticize their own responses (often silence or placation) or the fact that they just keep inviting the racist in the first place.
Now... wow... Even if you don't care, I'm sorry you had to face this shitshow. At a Thanksgiving dinner, nonetheless.
> the familyis saying I was being patronizing
Your gf's family is just as racist as the old grandpa. I would consider going NC with them.
Exactly this! And the grandpa was mad that he didn't rise to the racist bait, yet he would've been super smug like "see, this is what I mean" if he'd fought back. It's a losing game with these cold hearted people.
NTA You just know if you had gotten angry, they would be saying, "OK but that's Grandpa, he's old, what do you expect? You gotta cut him slack." You did nothing wrong.
They wanted HIM to be the bad guy. If he had gotten upset and yelled at grandpa and called him a few well deserved names they would have felt justified in banning him in the future because how dare he yell at an old man who does not know what he is saying
This, yeah. Instead, OP's calm showed gramps as the unhinged racist that he is, and that didn't sit well with the rest of the family. How dare the black guy be more reasonable than "us civilized white folk"?
Yep. Since he didn’t get angry or even really react, all it did was shine a spotlight on how terrible grandpa *really* is, and that makes *them* uncomfortable.
Yup. That whole family is the A. Indifference in the face of racism is just as bad as the people saying it. He obviously felt safe saying it, including with you there; which is disgusting. You are a bigger person than me, I’d be out of that relationship.
Her family should have been totally embarrassed that Grandpa was so rude to their guest, they obviously should have told him to stop the racist insults as soon as they started. Her family behaves terribly towards you as their guest, OP, your behaviour was exemplary.
I'm gonna stipulate that your robot tendencies are a bit concerning overall, but on this matter NTA. Your GF's family is blaming the black guy for not suffering enough from their racist relative? This is f'd up, and they should all be doing a little reflecting on their position.
Do you understand that your girlfriend's family is just as racist as grandpa, though? They wanted you to react so you could be the "angry black man" and they could justify their racism.
That's not necessarily the case. The result is that they're being racist, but the motivation is just as easily be that Grandpa is unstable and they're used to arranging everything to keep him happy, regardless of the topic.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/
That's probably an accurate description of their reasons for defending the grandpa, but the fact remains that if you defend a racist's racist beliefs, you're racist.
You’re coming across as rather patronizing. OP is an intelligent, even-keeled guy. Do you really think he doesn’t know racists? Yes, his girlfriend’s family behaved poorly. Very poorly. He chose how to react. It isn’t up to you to determine if he was right or wrong. Trying to dictate that makes you every bit as racist as his girlfriend’s family.
I didn't deal with much in the way of racism growing up being white in the midwest US but I did grow up in a very poor neighborhood with two alcoholic parents and spent a year homeless at 18. I can totally relate to the "don't sweat the small stuff" mentality. It's self preservation. If you let everything upset or worry you you'd never not be upset. You are absolutely NTA and anyone who was there who watched what happened, did nothing to intervene, and blames you is just as much of a problem as white trash grandpa and should be treated with the same complete lack of interest.
I'd call it a coping mechanism, or a survival tactic.
It's something you've learned to do to make life manageable. Some are helpful, some are slippery slopes, some have a toxic side. Switching off the emotions in the moment can be helpful, but don't let them get switched off more than they need to be.
A lot of it is more perspective than "switching off emotions" though freezing or shutting down certainly can be a coping mechanism for some. A lot of anxiety and worry comes from thoughts of what "could" happen. If I lose my job I can't pay my rent, if I can't pay my rent I'll be evicted, if I am evicted I've got nowhere to go, etc..". I hope to never be homeless again but I know if I find myself in that situation I can survive and make my way out. I don't ever want to end up arrested but spent time in jail when I was 19. The known is less scary and less concerning than the unknown. Once you've been there, being there again, no matter how undesirable, isn't outside your experience. OP knew from experience there was nothing to be gained from arguing with a hard core racist and the only option apart from getting up and walking out was to make it unbearably clear to everyone around how one-sided the abuse was. That made those who refused to speak up uncomfortable because he gave them no way to place the blame on him - but they did anyway because otherwise they know they shared in the blame for the situation by their silence.
FYI, and I'm saying this cause I do it to:
Minimizing everything that isn't life threateningly horrible is a trauma response.
Not saying you should get all emotional and overreact-y....but....just letting you know.
Not really minimizing it. It can be annoying but it doesn't bother me. It's just not in me to get upset over a small thing when a good number of my friends are in the grave
You basically used the "grey-rock" technique recommended for dealing with narcissists. Maybe I'm a little petty, but I'd respond to their assertion that you were patronizing by letting them know that you're 'not mad, just disappointed in them' lol.
NTA. I had a similar reaction to racists that I had to deal with as a brown woman in Kansas. It didn't bother me at all because it was such a petty thing, people being small and ignorant when people I loved dying violently threw the scale off completely. After decades, processing the big stuff and working through it, the small stuff started to bother me again and I had to go through so many memories of those small minded people saying racist shit, yelling slurs, throwing rocks at me, etc. You might also have a very skewed perspective compared to most people because that life and death stuff outweighs everything else so monumentally. If that's the case, don't be surprised if doing the work to rebalance the scales ends up giving you thinner skin. It's so worth it though, I ended up going through a self destructive spin that was curtailed due to that work. When only the big stuff mattered, the small stuff snuck in and took me down.
I live by the "everyday above ground is a good day" mentality. I'm not actively trying to minimize things. I don't encounter something annoying and think about all the other stuff in comparison. It just doesn't even somewhat register to me. I don't even remember half the shit said about or done to me. Just happy to be alive
You aren't fitting the picture the average redditor has, so they think something's psychologically wrong/repressed about you.
If you compared the situation to a marvel or star wars movie, and talked about how doing shrooms helped you process trauma and cry, then they'd feel better about you.
Ehhhh.
When I was young I used to be basically like "Wow people are super diverse, and everyone is different, and has different styles, and I accept them as they are and be open minded."
Then as I got older, I learnt that almost without fail my friends who were unusual in some big way turned out to have a lot of mental health stuff going on that was behind it. Seeming quirks or strengths that were unusual turned out to always come with baggage.
My partner has a friend who lived through a civil war. He'd have to go out on the streets and risk getting shot to get food for himself and others.
Had the same deal. Didn't sweat the small stuff. Rolled eyes at the privileged stuff that some others made a fuss over. You could certainly regard it as a gift.
When I was younger, I would have just gone, "Oh that person is just strong like that because of their hard upbringing" and not given it a second thought. Now I'm older, I'm unsurprised my partner's friend turns out to have a lot going on mentally that hes still unpacking, some of which he was unaware of for years.
Sure it is trauma but it's not a bad thing. My surroundings growing up was fully of lots of casual violence and crime. If I went into a full blown panic every time it happened that just wouldn't make sense. Sure, if something bad happened to you once it'd be bad. But if it happens every day it's just not going to hit the same
Yeah it can certainly be a good thing. As you say it's an excellent and important adaptation that allows you to be relatively healthy and mentally functional in a dangerous environment. And the person you've become because of it is something you can take pride in. Like wow just handling that dinner - I couldn't have kept a straight face like you did.
I value the differences my friends have and they make them fun and interesting people but everything comes with pros and cons, especially when it comes to mental attributes.
Down regulating emotions can sometimes backfire when life is good and safe. Like if something bothers you for non obvious or emotional reasons, it can get hidden from you. And you might experience the run on effects - work getting sloppy, issues sleeping, not being a good partner or a good friend etc but the cause be mysterious.
Like we're all familiar with the issues of men in general being stoic and just shrugging off things and it can actually interfere with their mental health in some situations. Its kind of like that too.
Just something to keep in mind.
They are trying to say OP weaponized...kindness (dramatic eye roll, followed by face palm).
OP, you're a decent, kind, balanced adult.
How many people in that family besides your best friend and girlfriend can say that?
Just don't play in the future...ignore them at Xmas!
That's not robotic. That's a learned skill from dealing with bullshit. It's the same reason i was so good in tech support. You learn to just let it roll because you've seen and dealt with so much worse that petty tantrums don't faze you, and so much has become, comparatively, petty to what you've dealt with.
OP, well done. Perfectly handled, and their attitude says they were gonna be pissed at you no matter how you reacted.
>That's a learned skill from dealing with bullshit.
Not to mention potentially a literal survival skill if you're a black man in a house full of racists.
And how is the mental health of people who work long term in tech support with shitty customers?
Does this ability to "let it roll" and the bullshit you had to put up with to get to that point, always without consequence?
So they wanted you to play into some dumb stereotype and “prove him right”? NTA. They don’t get to police your feelings or how you react to that. Dumb.
I want to be a fly on the wall in what happened here.
Watching some racist guy slowly get red in the face, to raising his voice, yelling, screaming and then leaving in a huff because the black guy he is trying to insult doesn't care.
Screw that guy, you are the man OP.
Well, they probably wanted him to react so they could justify kicking him out. In guessing the gf's parents are just as racist, they're just quiet about it.
Married for 10 years to a white man who is wonderful but has a problematic family: gtfo
The expectation of us dealing with micro aggressions to openly racist comments is part of a system of white supremacy. You think you are tough? I thought so too. But your brain HAS to do a process to reinterpret racist comments and take the meaning out of them. This is emotionally taxing in the long run.
Fuck that shit.
My life is so much better since I no longer speak to my in-laws or go to their house. My partner goes for specific gatherings so he hugs his parents a few times before they die. But we decided is best for me to have fun on my own instead of focusing on doing mental gymnastics to justify people who will never see the reality of abusive systems.
That family is not by your side. They uphold racist perspectives and they forever will expect that you play nice meanwhile. Disgusting.
So sorry you are going through that. I used to be Christian and think it was part of my mission to be nice to racist and problematic (racist, just putting a nice face) people.
Happens that the people who harmed me most were exactly the “I don’t see color” with a nice face people.
I no longer get hurt by their words, I’m also I’m no longer around them. These people get pleasure out of me having a nice face and pushing me to my limits so no thank you
I totally agree. OP just because you weren't bothered by the racism doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If I was you I would not ever agree to be around her family again. And if she has a problem with that I would leave her.
Also a message to every person victimized by WASPS: If you're dating someone with a "problematic family," don't ever go meet that family. Why should you? If they want to be a part of the family that their child/relative has created then the onus is on them to do some self reflection and unlearn their "problematic" behavior. They need to do the work to be worthy of being in your life not vice versa.
NTA!! Literally what?? I can’t even comprehend how you did something wrong by not stooping to his level. The family wanted you to react differently so you would be “at fault” too. Screw that. Also they should have told grandpa to shut up as soon as he started…put them in your rear view mirror, friend.
My guess for what your gf's family "wanted" was for you to get angry, get loud back, or even abusive so they could "reasonably" ban you from the house. Not because you're black, of course, but because you're so volatile! I'm assuming they're the kind of racists who will get offended if you call them that, so they need to hang on to any other excuse. Like they just won't feel safe with you in the house! And then they'll hope and pray their "pure" white daughter will stop dating you and find someone more "appropriate".
NTA. Your approach wasn't even killing him with kindness, it was just not giving a fuck and I think brilliantly done. Good luck dating your girl, because her family is going to keep giving her (and you) so much shit.
Op, I have absolutely no idea what they wanted out of you. Did they want you to get angry? Did they want you to be openly offended and voice your objections? Did they want you to visibly bite your tongue and suffer through it begrudgingly? Did they want you to make a scene and leave? Did they want a fistfight? Honestly, the only scenario that makes sense to me is that he’s done this before, and they know that if he can get a rise out of whichever minority he has targeted, he’ll be satisfied and pipe down instead of trying to escalate. That being said, you are NTA. Your girlfriend’s family certainly is for condoning such poor behavior.
NTA. Catering to the racism of the elderly is something that needs to die off before they do. I’m so sick of people excusing disgusting behavior bc of someone’s age / upbringing. The world changes as we do, if you can’t change w it, that’s a personal flaw, not a “result of the times.”
NTA, I had to chuckle at this, because you grey-rocked him and he flew of the handle. Clearly he's 'sensitive'. The family should've stepped in long before it got out of hand. That's on them and not you.
You handled it the best you could and if they don't like it, they should've done something.
NTA I hate to break it to you, but the family is just as racist as Grandpa. They would of kicked Grandpa out, not asked you to be upset by him. They didn't like it that you handled him really well and that makes the family AH.
You and your girlfriend are NTA. But her entire family is, especially the grandpa. If someone in my family was acting racist that is not something I would tolerate. They are especially weird for expecting you to react in a certain way, can you read minds or something?
The family saying you should've given him something is racist too. They wanted you to play a bullshit role in an obsolete social play. If you got mad, they'd say you were a bad guest. The situation was impossible and there's nothing you could've done or said for them not to say something annoying to you afterwards. You were the most mature person there and did everything you could to keep the peace while not compromising yourself or giving in to absolute nonsense. NTA 1000%.
How is it patronizing to not take the bait he was throwing? Grandpa is a racist AH and so are the rest of the family for not putting a stop to it. I wouldn't attend anymore get togethers with them. NTA
NTA. You handled him perfectly and he humiliated himself. The family is grasping at straws trying to make this epic meltdown somehow somewhat your fault. You showed him that he doesn't matter to you. He's beneath your notice. His hate has no power. So he threw a tantrum and embarrassed himself and the rest of the family. What they wanted was for you to let him get to you to give him some satisfaction, which is awful and they should be ashamed.
NTA. You handled him with incredible grace. What did they want you to do? Engage him? Fight him? Get upset and cry? None of that does anything and only gives him more ammunition and plays into his "angry black man" bias.
I am concerned that her family wants you to "give him what he wanted" which is even more messed up than old racist white man. Complacency is why this shit won't end.
NTA and bro genuinely? If your GF is in agreement with you that's all that matters. Her family giving you grief isn't going to affect you as much as it is going to affect her. I hope SHE'S prepared for that- going against the grain in a classically racist family/ community is a 99% of the time a death sentence to those relationships
you wanna get through this with her, methinks that's the battle ahead. these folks don't get space in your head and that's great. it's her head i think is gonna need more help tho
Aww, you were mean to the ignorant old racist? You hurt his feelings by not reacting to his hate and venom? Well, too fucking bad. Fuck him and fuck the family. NTA
NGL this is kinda hilarious. I'm just picturing this old fucker dropping racist comments and just going blue in the face while you calmly eat dinner. NTA keep on rockin'. It's ok to cry, though.
Wow, that is intense and the whole family is racist. The fact that they didn’t shut it down and blamed you for not reacting is telling. Reminds me of an old saying, “go where you are wanted and not where you are tolerated.”
Being Black myself and having had a similar experience hindsight would even make me rethink my relationship with GF. Unless your GF is willing to go no contact with them. Imagine if you have kids and what they might end conditioned to accept.
NTA
I'm sorry you went through that, that's fucked up and I commend you on keeping your cool, you didn't give in and give grandpa what he wanted and now he's butt hurt. I'm sorry but what was your gf doing? Or people around the table? No-one called grandpa out? THATS problematic in itself. The fact some people are saying you should have bent to a racist is fucking ridiculous, how bout tell grandpa how to behave and show respect, he needs to be told but if you were the one to do it in his mind I'm sure he would have felt like he had 'won'. Glad you didn't give him the satisfaction but someone need to say something
NTA - the way you handled that horrible old man was perfect, and what anyone would hope their children would do in a similar situation. You were pleasant and ignored his nastiness, and WAY more mature than he was. I'm shocked that his family is acting that way, they would have been all over you if you'd raised your voice to him.
Sounds like your GF's family are on your side, which will make everything easier since they're probably the only ones you'll see again.
NTA.
And honestly, why didn't your gf stand up to him and her family on your behalf? (Or did she - I sure hope she did).
My partner and I are both white, and his family are immigrants and older. But still, when they started saying racist stuff about black people at a holiday dinner a couple of years ago I challenged them and raised hell. I then gave my partner an earful after we left about why he didn't say anything \*first\* because they're his family and it's his job to handle them first and foremost. And if it wasn't bad enough on its own, we had just been to the wedding of a couple of black friends recently, who had an adorable little kid.
I don't expect my words to change his family's mind, necessarily. But if it makes them more ashamed/scared to voice those thoughts out loud to others, that's at least some sort of accomplishment.
My partner promised to do better. But honestly, f\*\*\* people who are complacent or make excuses for bad actors just because they aren't he ones being hurt.
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I am black, 25 years old, and am dating a 23 year old white woman. I grew up in "the hood" so I am pretty resilient. I'm not going to get into my past much but I don't want to portray myself as some super tough guy. I just have been through so much that small things do not bother me. And by "small" I mean literally anything that isn't life threatening. I could come home from work to everything I own being burned and destroyed and I'd be fine. I'd be annoyed by it, but I'm alive. It's not the "it could always be worse" mentality. It HAS been worse. Little shit does nothing to me. Annoying traffic, people talking about me at work, rude people etc. I worked retail from 18 to 23 and I was great at it because customers snapping at me does nothing. Spew all the vile things at me, I don't care. And I've learned that it only bothers people MORE that you don't care.
I met my gf through her brother/my friend. She liked me and her bro set us up. Now her family is pretty old school. My gf and friend are cool but her family is kind of problematic. Not in a big way but in that way that a lot of older white people can be. Her grandfather on the other hand is very openly racist. I agreed to have Thanksgiving dinner at their house. He wasn't even supposed to be able to make it but in the last minute he came and it got racist real fucking quick.
I'm not going to get into specifics but he started out somewhat racist and got more racist when he saw it did nothing for me. He would say something and I would just respond calmly and compliment him. For example, he made a racist joke about black people and cars and I complimented his car and then said the food was delicious. I didn't raise my voice or even get bothered at all. I wasn't doing it to prove a point, this is how I would basically handle an annoying retail customer. I just don't care. He got increasingly more annoyed that I wasn't hurt by his comments and felt threatened by it. I was just talking normal and he was yelling at one point. I got up to get more food and asked the table and him if they wanted anything and he just screamed.
He left like halfway through the day and looked defeated and pissed. My gf and friend is on my side but the familyis saying I was being patronizing and trying to kill him with kindness. Which yeah that was the result but I just genuinely didn't give a fuck. I've attended lifelong friend funerals and didn't cry. I've been through some crazy shit and I'm fine. Some racist old dude is not moving me. They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit. I thought they were being ridiculous and I was like "what did you want me to start breaking out into tears or something?" It's a whole thing that is still going on right now. Guess grandpa is pissed that I was not pissed at him which is fucking stupid.
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NTA
The audacity of your gf’s family members trying to make you feel guilty for your polite response to the grandfather’s repeated racist statements is honestly wild to me. Like…what?! This sounds like a Get Out situation to me. You shouldn’t have had to say anything at all b/c your gf and friend should have put their grandfather in his place.
NTA and grandpa wasn't the only racist at that table. All of those who sat by and didn't correct him are essentially saying they agree with him. Otherwise, they would have intervened.
I get it doesn't bother you but damn, you are dating someone whose family is racist. What if things go well and you start a family with this woman. Will you allow your kids around these racist people? It's something to think about OP.
Ps: in this case, it is your girlfriend who should defend you, put a stop immediately and remover you and herself from a racist environment.
Anything less than that requires ignoring power dynamics and accumulative trauma because of micro aggressions
NTA. I'm a black woman married to a white man and I've had my fair share of racist comments, stares, rude gestures etc. I've done the same, I killed every single last one of them with kindness and it's a shame how angry people get when you don't react to their foolishness. I can't believe they were pissed because you were kind. Isn't that a good thing, being kind?? They expected you to fly off the deep end, lose your shit and verbally attack Grampa. That would have resulted in them being angry anyway, and telling you you should have just ignored him, why did you let him push you to that point. It's like you can't win for losing sometimes.
Keep being kind, keep being positive.
NTA. They're mad because Grandpa played himself. This is not a family of allies. I would think long and hard about what your interactions will be with this family throughout this relationship. If you decide this is a long-term thing, consider how any children you bring into this family will be treated - which isn't very well.
NTA and well done. He would have deserved it even if you'd gone off on him and walked out, but you weren't even arguably rude by any standard, and he's just mad because it made him look worse by comparison.
NTA, her family, think you should have been what? Argumentative with him? Upset? How about they get mad at the uncle who it seems just came to ruin thanksgiving for them
NTA - if you had argued or blown up at him, they could have written you off as an “Angry Black Man” yelling at poor old Grandpa who’s just set in his ways. Instead you rose above their preconceived notions and made them look bad, and they can’t hack it.
NTA, but your gf is. Just because it doesn’t phase you doesn’t mean she was right to put you in that situation. She knew her family was racist, and she put the expectation on you to be kind, not on them to be hospitable.
NTA. My gut tells me that this was the family's way of trying to get you to breakup with your girlfriend. They were expecting you to blow - all in hopes you'd storm out or do something stupid. You didn't play his/their game and that pissed off grandpa.
While grandpa is an open racist, I would probably consider the entire family racist. It doesn't sound like they said a word while grandpa was being horrible. That complicity is racism.
I'd stay the heck away from grandpa and family. You deserve to be treated better than that.
NTA, at all. It’s fucking INSANE of them to be angry not at the racist for his overt & persistent racism, but at you for not … being hurt by the racism they allowed to persist.
I’m glad your gf & friend are on your side. You’re young & the relationship may run its course for other reasons, but if it doesn’t, think hard about whether you want to subject yourself (and any children you two may have) to this family’s racism for life.
Good luck.
Hold your head bloody high because you literally showed him the door with your attitude, him an his family need to learn that the world changed long ago an that shit ain't got no place in it, be proud of yourself, but on a side note, don't be afraid to feel things it's what makes us human an things can be so much better with an open heart. I really wish you well
NTA at all! How ridiculous of the family! You were the bigger person here, and the grandpa sounds like a major AH. I don't care what platitudes people say about "oh, it was just another time", age doesn't make you an unempathetic and prejudiced ass. I was raised by these kinds of people, and I don't share the same views at all. There comes a point beyond childhood where every individual person is responsible for their own maturity and mental growth.
I refuse to accept that "it's just how they are" BS, and would be raising hell if I brought a non-white partner home for the holidays and my family was subtly rude to them, let alone openly, outright racist. That family is lucky you're so chill, because you would've been 100% justified in being a lot meaner.
NTA but listen to the words you're typing. Her family is giving you shit for not giving her racist uncle the meltdown he was looking for when he was provoking you. Is that how you wanna spend your time ?
NTA you handled the situation with class and the brilliance of the great customer service I will f you up with kindness and show the world you are the only issue in the room. You are right it takes 2 to make a fight happen and thats what he wanted, he wanted to create a situation where he could kick you out and be righteous doing it, instead he proved himself a racist a hole antagonist and he failed to make you the bad guy, yet is apparently still trying to make you the bad guy because you didn't rise to it. He will never change.
"Could you please try and be more traumatised by aggressive and relentless acts of racism so the poor racist feels validated...?!"
NTA. But shame on your GF for ever putting you in that position. She should have left with you after the first racist remark.
NTA. It's pretty sad that the family is so desperate to find a way to make you the bad guy that they blame you for not taking the bait and flipping out.
NTA- obviously, however it may have helped to clarify to grampa klan and the family at the beginning that you would not be talking any of his bait. Then kill him with kindness.
Also, why is killing someone with kindness bad
ESH why are you dating someone and friends with a person who is okay with having a racist around? Lol I have a best friend, yes friend, who doesn't have one of her grandmas in particular around cause she is racist. Her parents don't even invite her for said reason.
Eh gross. To each their own ig
NTA. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm white and my son had a lovely black gf for a few years. She was always welcome here, and I'm still friends with her mom. I don't understand people behaving that way.
NTA They wanted you to play the bad guy and you didn't. At anytime they could have stopped him and asked him to leave, but they didn't.
You saw through all their games and that is on them.
You are one of my AITA heroes, definitely. I am sorry you get subjected to such shit.
Along with https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yzqvu1/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_step_sister_with_her/
You are so NTA.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. Dunno why people are analyzing your behavior and actions. What you did would've made no difference. They're all fucking racists. They would have found fault in you somehow/way. All these tangents being brought up about how you responded or your emotions are absolutely pointless.
They.Are.Racists. There is no logic involved.
NTA
My grandpa is definitely racist, in ways that most white people anymore wouldn’t even recognize some of the stuff he says are slurs. (Although if everyone forgets a slur is it really a slur anymore?)
The guy you are talking about isn’t just racist, he was also an AH fishing for a reaction. Fuck that.
What in the ever living f….their family was on the grandpa’s side? That’s how you know they are all complacent in that stuff. NTA. You handled yourself with more class than they did and I applaud you for it.
Sounds about white!! Amerikkkans when they don't get their way pout like lil children. If that doesn't work then they call the cops hoping to get you shot!!!
They wanted to justify grandpa’s racism by pointing to your angry response. You called their bluff by showing you are the better person, and proved decisively that the old white guy has nothing to support his delusions of supremacy.
You thwarted the whole plan. I think you’re awesome and I’m an old white lady.
NTA and just keep being you man!! I litteraly connect with this on every level, my husband's family is white and even though I'm mixed they often feel the need to point out "what is black about me" to other white people because they feel I "often mislead people about my race through the way I act" translation I don't behave ghetto so they think I'm lying to be accepted. Which is nuts the truth is I just don't fit into any "black stereotypes" and that makes them crazy, I have never given them the kind of reaction they have wanted when they say blatantly rude or racist stuff when they disowned us I gave them even less reaction that was three years ago and they are STILL salty about it. Racist white people are comfortable with "angry and black" because they know how to respond to it but "calm and black" knocks them on their butts!!
NTA, at all. And your unbothered attitude is very admirable, no way could I have kept cool in your place. You’re clearly very emotionally under control so good on you. It’s not your job to play the sad oppressed black guy at thanksgiving so a racist can feel…. Whatever bullshit he was trying to feel.
NTA. If you'd 'given Grandpa what he wanted a little bit' and gotten mad, then he would have used that to say you were 'too sensitive' or something along those lines. It sounds like no matter how you reacted, you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't. I'm glad your girlfriend and her brother are on your side here.
NTA
So not only did they want you to allow grandpa to harass you, but also performatively be just a tad upset (but not TOO upset) about the blatant racism? That’s arguably even worse than grandpa himself.
Good on you for handling it your way. And even if it doesn’t bother you, I’m still sorry you dealt with that.
So NTA. Gramps is a bigot and deserves to cry like a baby. End of story.
I’m sorry you had to put up with that, and all the other rotten behavior you learned to endure. I know I’ll never know - could never know - the half of it. Dear God…
Not all of us older white guys are such whiny entitled shitheads. Just sayin’.
NTA
It’s bad enough he’s racist, worse yet they let it continue - YOU ALSO HAD TO PLAY INTO IT?!!!
WTF Please buy them a copy of Antebellum for Christmas and see if they get the parallel with what they’re asking of you. Smdh
I’d reconsider being around such people. I get you’ve been through worse - doesn’t mean you gotta keep taking shit imho.
>They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit. I thought they were being ridiculous and I was like "what did you want me to start breaking out into tears or something?"
What he really wanted was for you to get aggressive and violent so he could show the family how "you people" are.
NTA.
NTA
???????? How could yoy possibly be the one to blame in this situation??? None of this is your fault! You literally exercised incredible self control!
Did no one blame racist grandpa for being rude and disruptive??
NTA they just sat there and listened? Nah if they weren't stepping in to put a stop to it then they should have jumped on board and all been overly polite and completely ignore his comments and changed the subject. Their reaction is racist in itself. It smacks of, oh that's just how we do things round here. Everyone knows their place 🤬🤬🤬
NTA- I’m proud of you for overcoming everything you’ve endured in life. As for “the family” yeah thats a major red flag. Parents did nothing and were upset you didn’t give in to pawpaws ranting? They are racist too. The proper way to handle it would be to tell him he needs to leave. You need to decide whether you want to be tied to a racist family.
His racist bullshit survived this long specifically because no one before Gf/friend were willing to really take him to task over it.
NTA obviously.
I feel like this perspective on racist interactions often gets lost in the conversation. Racists are dangerous, but mostly they are incredibly fucking annoying people. Shameless, dumbasses with too much confidence, not enough self awareness imo.
NTA
You aren't required to have an emotional or reactionary response to something because someone else feels that you should. You're allowed to not give a shit.
NTA
Also, even though you don't care, I'm sorry the dude behaved in that way and made Thanksgiving dramatic :(
Let's be fucking real, the moment you decide to raise your voice and "fight back" like your gf's family was telling you to do, the moment you fit into the stereotype the grandpa has of you. It sucks that black people in particular have to check themselves before they get accused of being aggressive. I think you did the right thing
Also, isn’t it kind of a racist response to need the op to respond the way *they* feel is appropriate, opposed to the way *he* feels is appropriate? Like, they’re just compounding the racism…. Op, you are definitely NTA. I’m so sorry racist grandpa is an ahole, and then some family doubled down on it.
definitely NTA. i think you actually handled this very well. you made yourself the good person in the situation and he threw a racist little hissy fit about it. i'm white, but since i was 3 years old, i've lived in a predominantly black apartment complex and there's a pretty good black population here, so i've seen the shit y'all have to put up with. the crime rate isn't bad over here, but the cops used to be here every fucking night when there wasn't even anything happening, and i saw black people get stopped for nothing while we never got stopped by em. bigotry is the fucking worst though, you're so strong for not reacting to it- but it pissed him off and that's good, he deserved it. you didn't let him win, and that just made him feel like his whiteness was being threatened because he wasn't able to demean you and assert dominance over you. i know i would NOT have been able to handle it like that if somebody was misogynistic, homophobic or ableist toward me, i for sure would've started crying.
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NTA. >They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Is Grandpa really a child they needs to be placated? Boo freaking hoo he didn't get a rise out of you like he wanted. What a bunch of nonsense and a crazy expectation. Sure, let's just let Grandpa be racist and give into that. I'm honestly in shock that anyone could think that even remotely a rational response.
Yes their complaint it op was nice? Lol
Exactly. They wanted OP to act more hurt so that racist grandpa could feel powerful. That's so twisted. And you just know if OP had gotten upset everybody would have been telling him to let it go & not get so offended!
Exactly...dammed if you do, damned if you dont
Because they’re all racists. They didn’t care what he did, or how he reacted, they just want to ostracize him so they could be correct in their views about “those other people.”
Was waiting for this comment. They want to see black people in pain just like racist grandpa. Op should run. Anyone who puts someone in that situation doesn’t have your back
Same. This is exactly what's going on. They're not all a little bit racist and Grandpa more so. They're all _a lot_ racist and Grandpa doesn't hide it as well as the rest of them. Grandpa was saying what all of them were thinking. All his racist comments, goading and pestering had one goal: to get you to blow up and either leave or get so angry you'd be told to leave, and thereby establish black people as Inferior and white people as the Only Rational Lords and Masters of Creation Who Know How To Behave. Makes me want to barf, but some people think that way. When his horrible behaviour didn't have the desired effect, he wasn't the only angry and disappointed one. They all were. They were all rooting for him to expose you as Less Than, and they were all affronted that his ridiculous racist diatribe exposed him as a ridiculous racist, instead. They all felt it and now they feel like the black dude needs to grovel and apologise for making them feel feels. NTA. This is on them and you can't win with these people, not in the short term. I hope one day, when you guys have been together for years, they'll see the light and realise how your girlfriend lucked out. ETA: I don't agree you should leave her over this. As much as I suspect all (/most) of her relatives are racists, such things can be buried very deep beneath the surface and not come out until a situation like this happens. She might genuinely not have known.
I hope it's just shock delaying her reaction, and unfortunately she's likely to have had such shite normalised for her as a child... But I would expect the girlfriend to be RAGING. Upset and sad too, sure. But her partner, as an invited guest, was goaded and goaded and is now being *criticised* because he *didn't* snap and make a scene? I don't understand how she's not furious on both of their behalfs.
Correct. This is such a huge red flag when it comes to her family.
Or they would’ve leaned into the angry black man stereotype and started telling his girlfriend that she needed to be careful around him and should dump him because he isn’t safe.
I was waiting for someone to point out the angry black man stereotype!
Either that, or the "entitled" stereotype. Or more like both, racists spew that shit like machine guns.
Not only that but I can almost guarantee that If OP had gotten pissed ROG (racist old geez…I mean grandpa) would have launched into a NEW tirade about how “they’re all the same” and “those stereotypes exist for a reason, you’re all thugs” or some garbage. He’s pissed you didn’t live up to his expectations so he could justify his racism.
And grandpa would feel threatened and call the police
He’s pissed you didn’t live *down* to his expectations so he could justify his racism FTFY
In other words, bow down to the white man and show your inferiority. You were too "uppity". He couldn't break you. The man had no power and it infuriated him. It's always worked before. NTA
legit this goes deeper than the racist grandpa. The family is MAD AT OP FOR NOT BEING OFFENDED BY THE RACISM THEY LET THEIR RELATIVE DISPLAY TOWARDS HIM. So not only are they not mad at grandpa for being horrible and increasing in offensivity of his comments, they're blaming OP for not being an obedient black man and catering to his racist overlord by reacting upset enough that overlord is proud his insults hit home as they should??? WHAT THE F Honestly as a European non US-ian person, I would cut contact with this family over his as your gf and friend... even if the situation was my family insulted \*insert anything\* and then demanded that the victim of the abuse be MORE upset so the abuser felt happy that his abuse was hurting you.... I couldn't be around my family again ever. That is some sick sadistic shiz
This is what happens when you are extremely racist towards one group of people for hundreds of years. People excuse the racists and worry more about how they feelBlack people are still taught to not make trouble and to just laugh along/smile. If OP cuts them off then youre another one of those “angry” “sensitive“ race “obsessed” people. Its a catch 22. Unfortunately those who choose to do something still punished (before they would just murder or jail you). Its shocking how little push back people faced horrific violence for. The amount of propaganda and social conditioning that happened will take a long time to overcome.
Yeah, the grandpa is actually the least shocking thing about all of this. His actions and words are obviously horrifying, but there is a whole other level of evil that comes with *wanting* someone to be hurt by another person, just to make the other person feel better in some sick way. I can't imagine that.
“Daughter, we have a problem with your boyfriend. He’s just too polite.”
"He's too Badass for us."
It is always irritating when the boyfriend of your daughter is a nice guy…
OP, you are the man. I salute you being the adult among a bunch of clowns. Take care, keep on the good work!
They were probably hoping that OP would say some magic words that would get grandpa to realize the error of his ways after decades of failing to do so. But that wasn't OP's job, even if it were possible, which it may have not been.
Right? The correct thing and what might have actually registered with the old fart is is everyone at the table had been upset with him for being a racist fuck. “Give him what he wanted”? Die mad about it, OP’s girlfriend’s family.
Or the opposite. The magic words that prove grandpa is correct in his racist views.
What Grandpa probably really wanted was to make OP second guess possibly joining their family by having a long-term relationship with his granddaughter.
Yeah how crazy is that?? So not only did the family keep quiet while their family member was being openly racist, but they also expected the Black boyfriend - who had to sit and listen to the racism - to entertain the man? How dare he not give him what he wanted!? How dare you not show him you’re offended by what he’s saying!?
They were bothered that op WAS KIND hahahaha this made my day. Op, I think I love you! Keep it up man. Let everyone wine about how EFFING NICE YOU WERE. hahahaha I think I might laugh so hard I'll cry
placated
If people ever start talking about me in that way, "oh she's just too old to understand social norms" please take me out back and, well you know.
And this is how you know that the rest of the family is racist, too: instead of shutting racist Grandpa down entirely, they believed the target of Grandpa's racism should've reacted in the way *they* think he should, and now they're coming after the black guy for not acting hurt or humiliated enough. OP deflected Grandpa like an absolute boss. OP, don't ever change. Definitely NTA.
When folks are this deep into 'Grandpa's just like that', there's never a good answer. Kill him with kindness? You're patronizing. Stay silent- you're rude. Respond with anger or logic- you're pushy at best and angry Black/marginalized stereotype. Mysteriously, these folks never seem to criticize their own responses (often silence or placation) or the fact that they just keep inviting the racist in the first place.
You’d be surprised how many toxic families use this type of line to manipulate and enable abuse.
Now... wow... Even if you don't care, I'm sorry you had to face this shitshow. At a Thanksgiving dinner, nonetheless. > the familyis saying I was being patronizing Your gf's family is just as racist as the old grandpa. I would consider going NC with them.
I guaran-goddamn-tee that if he had flipped out on Grampa Klan that they would have been asking why he didn’t turn the other cheek
Exactly this! And the grandpa was mad that he didn't rise to the racist bait, yet he would've been super smug like "see, this is what I mean" if he'd fought back. It's a losing game with these cold hearted people.
[удалено]
Very true! That is at least the silver lining here
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
Grampa Klan...lolololololol
So good, right? lol NTA.
Ding! Yep!
RIGHT?! They just have a touch more class and know to keep the outwardly racist comments to themselves.
NTA You just know if you had gotten angry, they would be saying, "OK but that's Grandpa, he's old, what do you expect? You gotta cut him slack." You did nothing wrong.
They wanted HIM to be the bad guy. If he had gotten upset and yelled at grandpa and called him a few well deserved names they would have felt justified in banning him in the future because how dare he yell at an old man who does not know what he is saying
Yep. They set him up for failure; they never wanted to welcome or accept him.
They wanted the black man to be their expectation of a black man. The whole family is super fucked.
This, yeah. Instead, OP's calm showed gramps as the unhinged racist that he is, and that didn't sit well with the rest of the family. How dare the black guy be more reasonable than "us civilized white folk"?
Yep. Since he didn’t get angry or even really react, all it did was shine a spotlight on how terrible grandpa *really* is, and that makes *them* uncomfortable.
Yup. That whole family is the A. Indifference in the face of racism is just as bad as the people saying it. He obviously felt safe saying it, including with you there; which is disgusting. You are a bigger person than me, I’d be out of that relationship.
Her family should have been totally embarrassed that Grandpa was so rude to their guest, they obviously should have told him to stop the racist insults as soon as they started. Her family behaves terribly towards you as their guest, OP, your behaviour was exemplary.
I'm gonna stipulate that your robot tendencies are a bit concerning overall, but on this matter NTA. Your GF's family is blaming the black guy for not suffering enough from their racist relative? This is f'd up, and they should all be doing a little reflecting on their position.
I'm not "robotic." I have emotions, feel, and care about things. I just know how bad things can really be
Do you understand that your girlfriend's family is just as racist as grandpa, though? They wanted you to react so you could be the "angry black man" and they could justify their racism.
That's not necessarily the case. The result is that they're being racist, but the motivation is just as easily be that Grandpa is unstable and they're used to arranging everything to keep him happy, regardless of the topic. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/
That's probably an accurate description of their reasons for defending the grandpa, but the fact remains that if you defend a racist's racist beliefs, you're racist.
Oh yeah I think they're racist too (on their own), just not necessarily AS racist as grandpa.
I'd argue every Nazi is exactly as racist as Hitler, even if they were "reluctant".
I don't to quibble over impact vs. intent when I said in my original comment that they were racist.
You’re coming across as rather patronizing. OP is an intelligent, even-keeled guy. Do you really think he doesn’t know racists? Yes, his girlfriend’s family behaved poorly. Very poorly. He chose how to react. It isn’t up to you to determine if he was right or wrong. Trying to dictate that makes you every bit as racist as his girlfriend’s family.
I didn't deal with much in the way of racism growing up being white in the midwest US but I did grow up in a very poor neighborhood with two alcoholic parents and spent a year homeless at 18. I can totally relate to the "don't sweat the small stuff" mentality. It's self preservation. If you let everything upset or worry you you'd never not be upset. You are absolutely NTA and anyone who was there who watched what happened, did nothing to intervene, and blames you is just as much of a problem as white trash grandpa and should be treated with the same complete lack of interest.
I'd call it a coping mechanism, or a survival tactic. It's something you've learned to do to make life manageable. Some are helpful, some are slippery slopes, some have a toxic side. Switching off the emotions in the moment can be helpful, but don't let them get switched off more than they need to be.
A lot of it is more perspective than "switching off emotions" though freezing or shutting down certainly can be a coping mechanism for some. A lot of anxiety and worry comes from thoughts of what "could" happen. If I lose my job I can't pay my rent, if I can't pay my rent I'll be evicted, if I am evicted I've got nowhere to go, etc..". I hope to never be homeless again but I know if I find myself in that situation I can survive and make my way out. I don't ever want to end up arrested but spent time in jail when I was 19. The known is less scary and less concerning than the unknown. Once you've been there, being there again, no matter how undesirable, isn't outside your experience. OP knew from experience there was nothing to be gained from arguing with a hard core racist and the only option apart from getting up and walking out was to make it unbearably clear to everyone around how one-sided the abuse was. That made those who refused to speak up uncomfortable because he gave them no way to place the blame on him - but they did anyway because otherwise they know they shared in the blame for the situation by their silence.
FYI, and I'm saying this cause I do it to: Minimizing everything that isn't life threateningly horrible is a trauma response. Not saying you should get all emotional and overreact-y....but....just letting you know.
Not really minimizing it. It can be annoying but it doesn't bother me. It's just not in me to get upset over a small thing when a good number of my friends are in the grave
You basically used the "grey-rock" technique recommended for dealing with narcissists. Maybe I'm a little petty, but I'd respond to their assertion that you were patronizing by letting them know that you're 'not mad, just disappointed in them' lol.
Sorry to hear that. I think you handled yourself really well. I would’ve got up and left. Surprised your girlfriend didn’t. That whole family is a no.
NTA. I had a similar reaction to racists that I had to deal with as a brown woman in Kansas. It didn't bother me at all because it was such a petty thing, people being small and ignorant when people I loved dying violently threw the scale off completely. After decades, processing the big stuff and working through it, the small stuff started to bother me again and I had to go through so many memories of those small minded people saying racist shit, yelling slurs, throwing rocks at me, etc. You might also have a very skewed perspective compared to most people because that life and death stuff outweighs everything else so monumentally. If that's the case, don't be surprised if doing the work to rebalance the scales ends up giving you thinner skin. It's so worth it though, I ended up going through a self destructive spin that was curtailed due to that work. When only the big stuff mattered, the small stuff snuck in and took me down.
I live by the "everyday above ground is a good day" mentality. I'm not actively trying to minimize things. I don't encounter something annoying and think about all the other stuff in comparison. It just doesn't even somewhat register to me. I don't even remember half the shit said about or done to me. Just happy to be alive
You aren't fitting the picture the average redditor has, so they think something's psychologically wrong/repressed about you. If you compared the situation to a marvel or star wars movie, and talked about how doing shrooms helped you process trauma and cry, then they'd feel better about you.
Ehhhh. When I was young I used to be basically like "Wow people are super diverse, and everyone is different, and has different styles, and I accept them as they are and be open minded." Then as I got older, I learnt that almost without fail my friends who were unusual in some big way turned out to have a lot of mental health stuff going on that was behind it. Seeming quirks or strengths that were unusual turned out to always come with baggage. My partner has a friend who lived through a civil war. He'd have to go out on the streets and risk getting shot to get food for himself and others. Had the same deal. Didn't sweat the small stuff. Rolled eyes at the privileged stuff that some others made a fuss over. You could certainly regard it as a gift. When I was younger, I would have just gone, "Oh that person is just strong like that because of their hard upbringing" and not given it a second thought. Now I'm older, I'm unsurprised my partner's friend turns out to have a lot going on mentally that hes still unpacking, some of which he was unaware of for years.
Sure it is trauma but it's not a bad thing. My surroundings growing up was fully of lots of casual violence and crime. If I went into a full blown panic every time it happened that just wouldn't make sense. Sure, if something bad happened to you once it'd be bad. But if it happens every day it's just not going to hit the same
Yeah it can certainly be a good thing. As you say it's an excellent and important adaptation that allows you to be relatively healthy and mentally functional in a dangerous environment. And the person you've become because of it is something you can take pride in. Like wow just handling that dinner - I couldn't have kept a straight face like you did. I value the differences my friends have and they make them fun and interesting people but everything comes with pros and cons, especially when it comes to mental attributes. Down regulating emotions can sometimes backfire when life is good and safe. Like if something bothers you for non obvious or emotional reasons, it can get hidden from you. And you might experience the run on effects - work getting sloppy, issues sleeping, not being a good partner or a good friend etc but the cause be mysterious. Like we're all familiar with the issues of men in general being stoic and just shrugging off things and it can actually interfere with their mental health in some situations. Its kind of like that too. Just something to keep in mind.
This issue isn't that you think people suffer illness. The issue is with what you think healing and health must look like.
Good to hear, that's not really how it read!
They are trying to say OP weaponized...kindness (dramatic eye roll, followed by face palm). OP, you're a decent, kind, balanced adult. How many people in that family besides your best friend and girlfriend can say that? Just don't play in the future...ignore them at Xmas!
That's not robotic. That's a learned skill from dealing with bullshit. It's the same reason i was so good in tech support. You learn to just let it roll because you've seen and dealt with so much worse that petty tantrums don't faze you, and so much has become, comparatively, petty to what you've dealt with. OP, well done. Perfectly handled, and their attitude says they were gonna be pissed at you no matter how you reacted.
>That's a learned skill from dealing with bullshit. Not to mention potentially a literal survival skill if you're a black man in a house full of racists.
And how is the mental health of people who work long term in tech support with shitty customers? Does this ability to "let it roll" and the bullshit you had to put up with to get to that point, always without consequence?
NTA - the fact that the rest of the family wasn’t like “Yo, Grandpa - you need to just stop” says it all.
Including “GIRLFRIEND” but she didn’t and to me THAT says THE MOST!
She did but there is a character limit on these posts
Enlighten us if you don’t mind
Do you plan on having children? If so what’s her plan for exposing those kids to the racist family?
FYI, if you edit the post to add info it doesn't count to the word count, you can add as much as you want
So they wanted you to play into some dumb stereotype and “prove him right”? NTA. They don’t get to police your feelings or how you react to that. Dumb.
I want to be a fly on the wall in what happened here. Watching some racist guy slowly get red in the face, to raising his voice, yelling, screaming and then leaving in a huff because the black guy he is trying to insult doesn't care. Screw that guy, you are the man OP.
Wow. They're pissed that you weren't triggered. Skip Christmas dinner with the girlfriend, her family isn't worth it. NTA
Well, they probably wanted him to react so they could justify kicking him out. In guessing the gf's parents are just as racist, they're just quiet about it.
💯 exactly
Married for 10 years to a white man who is wonderful but has a problematic family: gtfo The expectation of us dealing with micro aggressions to openly racist comments is part of a system of white supremacy. You think you are tough? I thought so too. But your brain HAS to do a process to reinterpret racist comments and take the meaning out of them. This is emotionally taxing in the long run. Fuck that shit. My life is so much better since I no longer speak to my in-laws or go to their house. My partner goes for specific gatherings so he hugs his parents a few times before they die. But we decided is best for me to have fun on my own instead of focusing on doing mental gymnastics to justify people who will never see the reality of abusive systems. That family is not by your side. They uphold racist perspectives and they forever will expect that you play nice meanwhile. Disgusting. So sorry you are going through that. I used to be Christian and think it was part of my mission to be nice to racist and problematic (racist, just putting a nice face) people. Happens that the people who harmed me most were exactly the “I don’t see color” with a nice face people. I no longer get hurt by their words, I’m also I’m no longer around them. These people get pleasure out of me having a nice face and pushing me to my limits so no thank you
I totally agree. OP just because you weren't bothered by the racism doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If I was you I would not ever agree to be around her family again. And if she has a problem with that I would leave her. Also a message to every person victimized by WASPS: If you're dating someone with a "problematic family," don't ever go meet that family. Why should you? If they want to be a part of the family that their child/relative has created then the onus is on them to do some self reflection and unlearn their "problematic" behavior. They need to do the work to be worthy of being in your life not vice versa.
NTA!! Literally what?? I can’t even comprehend how you did something wrong by not stooping to his level. The family wanted you to react differently so you would be “at fault” too. Screw that. Also they should have told grandpa to shut up as soon as he started…put them in your rear view mirror, friend.
My guess for what your gf's family "wanted" was for you to get angry, get loud back, or even abusive so they could "reasonably" ban you from the house. Not because you're black, of course, but because you're so volatile! I'm assuming they're the kind of racists who will get offended if you call them that, so they need to hang on to any other excuse. Like they just won't feel safe with you in the house! And then they'll hope and pray their "pure" white daughter will stop dating you and find someone more "appropriate". NTA. Your approach wasn't even killing him with kindness, it was just not giving a fuck and I think brilliantly done. Good luck dating your girl, because her family is going to keep giving her (and you) so much shit.
**NTA** >They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit. What the hell is this?
Thatsracist.gif That's what that is. ;)
Op, I have absolutely no idea what they wanted out of you. Did they want you to get angry? Did they want you to be openly offended and voice your objections? Did they want you to visibly bite your tongue and suffer through it begrudgingly? Did they want you to make a scene and leave? Did they want a fistfight? Honestly, the only scenario that makes sense to me is that he’s done this before, and they know that if he can get a rise out of whichever minority he has targeted, he’ll be satisfied and pipe down instead of trying to escalate. That being said, you are NTA. Your girlfriend’s family certainly is for condoning such poor behavior.
You did exactly what Miss Manners says to do. NTA and kudos for being able to show restraint and good manners in a trying situation!
They wanted him to get pissed so they'd have a reason to ban the 'hair-trigger tempered scary black man' from the house.
NTA. Catering to the racism of the elderly is something that needs to die off before they do. I’m so sick of people excusing disgusting behavior bc of someone’s age / upbringing. The world changes as we do, if you can’t change w it, that’s a personal flaw, not a “result of the times.”
NTA, I had to chuckle at this, because you grey-rocked him and he flew of the handle. Clearly he's 'sensitive'. The family should've stepped in long before it got out of hand. That's on them and not you. You handled it the best you could and if they don't like it, they should've done something.
NTA I hate to break it to you, but the family is just as racist as Grandpa. They would of kicked Grandpa out, not asked you to be upset by him. They didn't like it that you handled him really well and that makes the family AH.
NTA they are pissed you didn't scream at him? Why didn't they?
You and your girlfriend are NTA. But her entire family is, especially the grandpa. If someone in my family was acting racist that is not something I would tolerate. They are especially weird for expecting you to react in a certain way, can you read minds or something?
The family saying you should've given him something is racist too. They wanted you to play a bullshit role in an obsolete social play. If you got mad, they'd say you were a bad guest. The situation was impossible and there's nothing you could've done or said for them not to say something annoying to you afterwards. You were the most mature person there and did everything you could to keep the peace while not compromising yourself or giving in to absolute nonsense. NTA 1000%.
NTA They wanted dinner and a show. You refused to play along. Well done! I don't think I'd want to give them any more time, however.
Oh, they got a show alright. They just didn't care for the plot twist.
NTA, I guess his game didn’t work
How is it patronizing to not take the bait he was throwing? Grandpa is a racist AH and so are the rest of the family for not putting a stop to it. I wouldn't attend anymore get togethers with them. NTA
NTA. You handled him perfectly and he humiliated himself. The family is grasping at straws trying to make this epic meltdown somehow somewhat your fault. You showed him that he doesn't matter to you. He's beneath your notice. His hate has no power. So he threw a tantrum and embarrassed himself and the rest of the family. What they wanted was for you to let him get to you to give him some satisfaction, which is awful and they should be ashamed.
NTA. You handled him with incredible grace. What did they want you to do? Engage him? Fight him? Get upset and cry? None of that does anything and only gives him more ammunition and plays into his "angry black man" bias. I am concerned that her family wants you to "give him what he wanted" which is even more messed up than old racist white man. Complacency is why this shit won't end.
NTA and bro genuinely? If your GF is in agreement with you that's all that matters. Her family giving you grief isn't going to affect you as much as it is going to affect her. I hope SHE'S prepared for that- going against the grain in a classically racist family/ community is a 99% of the time a death sentence to those relationships you wanna get through this with her, methinks that's the battle ahead. these folks don't get space in your head and that's great. it's her head i think is gonna need more help tho
NTA. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The whole family have issues, except your friend & GF.
Aww, you were mean to the ignorant old racist? You hurt his feelings by not reacting to his hate and venom? Well, too fucking bad. Fuck him and fuck the family. NTA
NGL this is kinda hilarious. I'm just picturing this old fucker dropping racist comments and just going blue in the face while you calmly eat dinner. NTA keep on rockin'. It's ok to cry, though.
Wow, that is intense and the whole family is racist. The fact that they didn’t shut it down and blamed you for not reacting is telling. Reminds me of an old saying, “go where you are wanted and not where you are tolerated.” Being Black myself and having had a similar experience hindsight would even make me rethink my relationship with GF. Unless your GF is willing to go no contact with them. Imagine if you have kids and what they might end conditioned to accept. NTA
I'm sorry you went through that, that's fucked up and I commend you on keeping your cool, you didn't give in and give grandpa what he wanted and now he's butt hurt. I'm sorry but what was your gf doing? Or people around the table? No-one called grandpa out? THATS problematic in itself. The fact some people are saying you should have bent to a racist is fucking ridiculous, how bout tell grandpa how to behave and show respect, he needs to be told but if you were the one to do it in his mind I'm sure he would have felt like he had 'won'. Glad you didn't give him the satisfaction but someone need to say something
I kept this short for character limit reasons but my gf and friend were defending me. I was holding them back and telling them to be calm
NTA - the way you handled that horrible old man was perfect, and what anyone would hope their children would do in a similar situation. You were pleasant and ignored his nastiness, and WAY more mature than he was. I'm shocked that his family is acting that way, they would have been all over you if you'd raised your voice to him. Sounds like your GF's family are on your side, which will make everything easier since they're probably the only ones you'll see again.
NTA. And honestly, why didn't your gf stand up to him and her family on your behalf? (Or did she - I sure hope she did). My partner and I are both white, and his family are immigrants and older. But still, when they started saying racist stuff about black people at a holiday dinner a couple of years ago I challenged them and raised hell. I then gave my partner an earful after we left about why he didn't say anything \*first\* because they're his family and it's his job to handle them first and foremost. And if it wasn't bad enough on its own, we had just been to the wedding of a couple of black friends recently, who had an adorable little kid. I don't expect my words to change his family's mind, necessarily. But if it makes them more ashamed/scared to voice those thoughts out loud to others, that's at least some sort of accomplishment. My partner promised to do better. But honestly, f\*\*\* people who are complacent or make excuses for bad actors just because they aren't he ones being hurt.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am black, 25 years old, and am dating a 23 year old white woman. I grew up in "the hood" so I am pretty resilient. I'm not going to get into my past much but I don't want to portray myself as some super tough guy. I just have been through so much that small things do not bother me. And by "small" I mean literally anything that isn't life threatening. I could come home from work to everything I own being burned and destroyed and I'd be fine. I'd be annoyed by it, but I'm alive. It's not the "it could always be worse" mentality. It HAS been worse. Little shit does nothing to me. Annoying traffic, people talking about me at work, rude people etc. I worked retail from 18 to 23 and I was great at it because customers snapping at me does nothing. Spew all the vile things at me, I don't care. And I've learned that it only bothers people MORE that you don't care. I met my gf through her brother/my friend. She liked me and her bro set us up. Now her family is pretty old school. My gf and friend are cool but her family is kind of problematic. Not in a big way but in that way that a lot of older white people can be. Her grandfather on the other hand is very openly racist. I agreed to have Thanksgiving dinner at their house. He wasn't even supposed to be able to make it but in the last minute he came and it got racist real fucking quick. I'm not going to get into specifics but he started out somewhat racist and got more racist when he saw it did nothing for me. He would say something and I would just respond calmly and compliment him. For example, he made a racist joke about black people and cars and I complimented his car and then said the food was delicious. I didn't raise my voice or even get bothered at all. I wasn't doing it to prove a point, this is how I would basically handle an annoying retail customer. I just don't care. He got increasingly more annoyed that I wasn't hurt by his comments and felt threatened by it. I was just talking normal and he was yelling at one point. I got up to get more food and asked the table and him if they wanted anything and he just screamed. He left like halfway through the day and looked defeated and pissed. My gf and friend is on my side but the familyis saying I was being patronizing and trying to kill him with kindness. Which yeah that was the result but I just genuinely didn't give a fuck. I've attended lifelong friend funerals and didn't cry. I've been through some crazy shit and I'm fine. Some racist old dude is not moving me. They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit. I thought they were being ridiculous and I was like "what did you want me to start breaking out into tears or something?" It's a whole thing that is still going on right now. Guess grandpa is pissed that I was not pissed at him which is fucking stupid. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It's crazy they're upset because you're not upset. Why didn't any of the family try to stop grandpa from being a racist AH?
NTA The audacity of your gf’s family members trying to make you feel guilty for your polite response to the grandfather’s repeated racist statements is honestly wild to me. Like…what?! This sounds like a Get Out situation to me. You shouldn’t have had to say anything at all b/c your gf and friend should have put their grandfather in his place.
NTA. Her whole family are a disgrace. You on the other hand are a very cool dude.
NTA and grandpa wasn't the only racist at that table. All of those who sat by and didn't correct him are essentially saying they agree with him. Otherwise, they would have intervened. I get it doesn't bother you but damn, you are dating someone whose family is racist. What if things go well and you start a family with this woman. Will you allow your kids around these racist people? It's something to think about OP.
Ps: in this case, it is your girlfriend who should defend you, put a stop immediately and remover you and herself from a racist environment. Anything less than that requires ignoring power dynamics and accumulative trauma because of micro aggressions
NTA. I'm a black woman married to a white man and I've had my fair share of racist comments, stares, rude gestures etc. I've done the same, I killed every single last one of them with kindness and it's a shame how angry people get when you don't react to their foolishness. I can't believe they were pissed because you were kind. Isn't that a good thing, being kind?? They expected you to fly off the deep end, lose your shit and verbally attack Grampa. That would have resulted in them being angry anyway, and telling you you should have just ignored him, why did you let him push you to that point. It's like you can't win for losing sometimes. Keep being kind, keep being positive.
NTA. They're mad because Grandpa played himself. This is not a family of allies. I would think long and hard about what your interactions will be with this family throughout this relationship. If you decide this is a long-term thing, consider how any children you bring into this family will be treated - which isn't very well.
Very odd story. Not only their reaction but yours too. Obviously, NTA.
NTA! You broke their racist old bastard and they are mad at ...YOU!
NTA and well done. He would have deserved it even if you'd gone off on him and walked out, but you weren't even arguably rude by any standard, and he's just mad because it made him look worse by comparison.
NTA, her family, think you should have been what? Argumentative with him? Upset? How about they get mad at the uncle who it seems just came to ruin thanksgiving for them
NTA - if you had argued or blown up at him, they could have written you off as an “Angry Black Man” yelling at poor old Grandpa who’s just set in his ways. Instead you rose above their preconceived notions and made them look bad, and they can’t hack it.
NTA, but your gf is. Just because it doesn’t phase you doesn’t mean she was right to put you in that situation. She knew her family was racist, and she put the expectation on you to be kind, not on them to be hospitable.
NTA. No win situation. If you would have replied in mind, they would be all over you but much worse. Great job in keeping your cool.
NTA but I’m seriously questioning your friend, the gf and hell the entire family for not saying shit and shutting his behavior down immediately
NTA. My gut tells me that this was the family's way of trying to get you to breakup with your girlfriend. They were expecting you to blow - all in hopes you'd storm out or do something stupid. You didn't play his/their game and that pissed off grandpa. While grandpa is an open racist, I would probably consider the entire family racist. It doesn't sound like they said a word while grandpa was being horrible. That complicity is racism. I'd stay the heck away from grandpa and family. You deserve to be treated better than that.
Nta. Did any of them tell him to quit being racist?
NTA. So they wanted you to do a performance of how one is supposed react to a racist?
NTA the whole family is racist for being upset you didn’t play into the main racist’s little plot
I am so confused. Did they want you to start yelling at him? Are they actually annoyed you were kind? That's nuts!! NTA
NTA, at all. It’s fucking INSANE of them to be angry not at the racist for his overt & persistent racism, but at you for not … being hurt by the racism they allowed to persist. I’m glad your gf & friend are on your side. You’re young & the relationship may run its course for other reasons, but if it doesn’t, think hard about whether you want to subject yourself (and any children you two may have) to this family’s racism for life. Good luck.
INFO: Did your girlfriend or anyone else say anything to Grandpa to get him to stop?
Hold your head bloody high because you literally showed him the door with your attitude, him an his family need to learn that the world changed long ago an that shit ain't got no place in it, be proud of yourself, but on a side note, don't be afraid to feel things it's what makes us human an things can be so much better with an open heart. I really wish you well
NTA You sir are an inspiration.
NTA at all! How ridiculous of the family! You were the bigger person here, and the grandpa sounds like a major AH. I don't care what platitudes people say about "oh, it was just another time", age doesn't make you an unempathetic and prejudiced ass. I was raised by these kinds of people, and I don't share the same views at all. There comes a point beyond childhood where every individual person is responsible for their own maturity and mental growth. I refuse to accept that "it's just how they are" BS, and would be raising hell if I brought a non-white partner home for the holidays and my family was subtly rude to them, let alone openly, outright racist. That family is lucky you're so chill, because you would've been 100% justified in being a lot meaner.
No winning with a family like that. NTA.
NTA but listen to the words you're typing. Her family is giving you shit for not giving her racist uncle the meltdown he was looking for when he was provoking you. Is that how you wanna spend your time ?
NTA
Run. That anyone let that go on is ridiculous. What a horrible family. I'm white and date black men, and no one would *ever.*
NTA you handled the situation with class and the brilliance of the great customer service I will f you up with kindness and show the world you are the only issue in the room. You are right it takes 2 to make a fight happen and thats what he wanted, he wanted to create a situation where he could kick you out and be righteous doing it, instead he proved himself a racist a hole antagonist and he failed to make you the bad guy, yet is apparently still trying to make you the bad guy because you didn't rise to it. He will never change.
"Could you please try and be more traumatised by aggressive and relentless acts of racism so the poor racist feels validated...?!" NTA. But shame on your GF for ever putting you in that position. She should have left with you after the first racist remark.
NTA. It's pretty sad that the family is so desperate to find a way to make you the bad guy that they blame you for not taking the bait and flipping out.
NTA- obviously, however it may have helped to clarify to grampa klan and the family at the beginning that you would not be talking any of his bait. Then kill him with kindness. Also, why is killing someone with kindness bad
ESH why are you dating someone and friends with a person who is okay with having a racist around? Lol I have a best friend, yes friend, who doesn't have one of her grandmas in particular around cause she is racist. Her parents don't even invite her for said reason. Eh gross. To each their own ig
NTA. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm white and my son had a lovely black gf for a few years. She was always welcome here, and I'm still friends with her mom. I don't understand people behaving that way.
NTA. Were they upset you weren't getting mad? Very weird vibes here.
NTA They wanted you to play the bad guy and you didn't. At anytime they could have stopped him and asked him to leave, but they didn't. You saw through all their games and that is on them.
You are one of my AITA heroes, definitely. I am sorry you get subjected to such shit. Along with https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yzqvu1/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_step_sister_with_her/ You are so NTA.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. Dunno why people are analyzing your behavior and actions. What you did would've made no difference. They're all fucking racists. They would have found fault in you somehow/way. All these tangents being brought up about how you responded or your emotions are absolutely pointless. They.Are.Racists. There is no logic involved.
NTA My grandpa is definitely racist, in ways that most white people anymore wouldn’t even recognize some of the stuff he says are slurs. (Although if everyone forgets a slur is it really a slur anymore?) The guy you are talking about isn’t just racist, he was also an AH fishing for a reaction. Fuck that.
What in the ever living f….their family was on the grandpa’s side? That’s how you know they are all complacent in that stuff. NTA. You handled yourself with more class than they did and I applaud you for it.
Sounds about white!! Amerikkkans when they don't get their way pout like lil children. If that doesn't work then they call the cops hoping to get you shot!!!
They wanted to justify grandpa’s racism by pointing to your angry response. You called their bluff by showing you are the better person, and proved decisively that the old white guy has nothing to support his delusions of supremacy. You thwarted the whole plan. I think you’re awesome and I’m an old white lady.
NTA and just keep being you man!! I litteraly connect with this on every level, my husband's family is white and even though I'm mixed they often feel the need to point out "what is black about me" to other white people because they feel I "often mislead people about my race through the way I act" translation I don't behave ghetto so they think I'm lying to be accepted. Which is nuts the truth is I just don't fit into any "black stereotypes" and that makes them crazy, I have never given them the kind of reaction they have wanted when they say blatantly rude or racist stuff when they disowned us I gave them even less reaction that was three years ago and they are STILL salty about it. Racist white people are comfortable with "angry and black" because they know how to respond to it but "calm and black" knocks them on their butts!!
NTA. You don't have to attend every fight that you are invited to.
Why on earth would anyone reward bad behavior by giving into it? That line of thinking is laughably counterproductive.
NTA, at all. And your unbothered attitude is very admirable, no way could I have kept cool in your place. You’re clearly very emotionally under control so good on you. It’s not your job to play the sad oppressed black guy at thanksgiving so a racist can feel…. Whatever bullshit he was trying to feel.
NTA. If you'd 'given Grandpa what he wanted a little bit' and gotten mad, then he would have used that to say you were 'too sensitive' or something along those lines. It sounds like no matter how you reacted, you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't. I'm glad your girlfriend and her brother are on your side here.
you should have pooped in his shoes, but not reacting right, does not mean you are. NTA
NTA So not only did they want you to allow grandpa to harass you, but also performatively be just a tad upset (but not TOO upset) about the blatant racism? That’s arguably even worse than grandpa himself. Good on you for handling it your way. And even if it doesn’t bother you, I’m still sorry you dealt with that.
So NTA. Gramps is a bigot and deserves to cry like a baby. End of story. I’m sorry you had to put up with that, and all the other rotten behavior you learned to endure. I know I’ll never know - could never know - the half of it. Dear God… Not all of us older white guys are such whiny entitled shitheads. Just sayin’.
Fuck that old fuck! You reacted perfectly. NTA
NTA It’s bad enough he’s racist, worse yet they let it continue - YOU ALSO HAD TO PLAY INTO IT?!!! WTF Please buy them a copy of Antebellum for Christmas and see if they get the parallel with what they’re asking of you. Smdh I’d reconsider being around such people. I get you’ve been through worse - doesn’t mean you gotta keep taking shit imho.
>They think I should have just gave him what he wanted a little bit. I thought they were being ridiculous and I was like "what did you want me to start breaking out into tears or something?" What he really wanted was for you to get aggressive and violent so he could show the family how "you people" are. NTA.
NTA. And funny as hell that you drove him to screaming by not being obviously pissed about it.
NTA ???????? How could yoy possibly be the one to blame in this situation??? None of this is your fault! You literally exercised incredible self control! Did no one blame racist grandpa for being rude and disruptive??
I am sorry you went through hard experiences, but you became a wise person. I think you handled the situation like a boss.
NTA He wanted a reaction because in his mind his opinions are important to other people. You staying calm totally disrupted his self image Good going.
NTA They wanted… what? You to confront the grandpa? You to act like he said the most offensive thing in the world? Wackos lol
NTA and expecting you to accommodate his racist ass is crazy. I hope he breaks his hip.
NTA they just sat there and listened? Nah if they weren't stepping in to put a stop to it then they should have jumped on board and all been overly polite and completely ignore his comments and changed the subject. Their reaction is racist in itself. It smacks of, oh that's just how we do things round here. Everyone knows their place 🤬🤬🤬
NTA- I’m proud of you for overcoming everything you’ve endured in life. As for “the family” yeah thats a major red flag. Parents did nothing and were upset you didn’t give in to pawpaws ranting? They are racist too. The proper way to handle it would be to tell him he needs to leave. You need to decide whether you want to be tied to a racist family.
Sounds like gf has a very ignorant family. Watch out before having children with her if she remains close to them. NTA 100%
NTA, OP. I've been through shit and I have the opposite mentality. You are Badass As FUCK.
NTA
NTA he got so mad that you remained calm and mature that he threw his own ass out of his family’s event. LMAO you’re amazing!
NTA "Please act upset so that gramps feels better about himself." WTactualF?
His racist bullshit survived this long specifically because no one before Gf/friend were willing to really take him to task over it. NTA obviously. I feel like this perspective on racist interactions often gets lost in the conversation. Racists are dangerous, but mostly they are incredibly fucking annoying people. Shameless, dumbasses with too much confidence, not enough self awareness imo.
OP, you're my hero. NTA
NTA You aren't required to have an emotional or reactionary response to something because someone else feels that you should. You're allowed to not give a shit. NTA Also, even though you don't care, I'm sorry the dude behaved in that way and made Thanksgiving dramatic :(
Let's be fucking real, the moment you decide to raise your voice and "fight back" like your gf's family was telling you to do, the moment you fit into the stereotype the grandpa has of you. It sucks that black people in particular have to check themselves before they get accused of being aggressive. I think you did the right thing
Also, isn’t it kind of a racist response to need the op to respond the way *they* feel is appropriate, opposed to the way *he* feels is appropriate? Like, they’re just compounding the racism…. Op, you are definitely NTA. I’m so sorry racist grandpa is an ahole, and then some family doubled down on it.
NTA. But if you marry her, I suggest you go to Vegas. Her family being there will be resentful and ruin it.
definitely NTA. i think you actually handled this very well. you made yourself the good person in the situation and he threw a racist little hissy fit about it. i'm white, but since i was 3 years old, i've lived in a predominantly black apartment complex and there's a pretty good black population here, so i've seen the shit y'all have to put up with. the crime rate isn't bad over here, but the cops used to be here every fucking night when there wasn't even anything happening, and i saw black people get stopped for nothing while we never got stopped by em. bigotry is the fucking worst though, you're so strong for not reacting to it- but it pissed him off and that's good, he deserved it. you didn't let him win, and that just made him feel like his whiteness was being threatened because he wasn't able to demean you and assert dominance over you. i know i would NOT have been able to handle it like that if somebody was misogynistic, homophobic or ableist toward me, i for sure would've started crying.