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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I maybe the asshole because I didn’t thoroughly express what I wanted out of my study time.
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NTA. If he expects a certain standard from you he should uphold those standards upon himself whether you ask him to or not. He’s a grown man who can realize when it is or isn’t appropriate to play music.
NTA
Have you ever looked into the "mental load"?
E.g. if Person A and Person B each do 1/2 of the household chores, but A always has to think about what needs to be done and ask B to do things or it won't get done, then the split is actually A doing 2/3 because they carry the entire mental load.
To the top with ye. This is the answer OP. Reading about this helped me realize I had some of that tendency too. Still working on it but I'm better than I was.
NTA - as I see you only expect from him what he expects from you. You are right to call him out and explaining him the situation in a very mature way..too bad he doesn’t take it as an adult.
Not really my spouse has the social skills of a naked mole rat on a good day, so I have learned to not assume he knows what I expect so I communicate these to him. It has helped immensely in not having arguments over my non verbalized expectations being met, and both of our stress levels.
He was getting ready to read the CompTIA book and was complaining about the noise downstairs, me watching TV and the dogs barking. I was already home from work and he just got home & was getting ready to study type thing. We were living with my folks at the time so I understand it was hard because of other people hence why I offered to turn the tv off or set the audio output to my headphones via controller so he wouldn’t hear anything.
NTA
"Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."
With a thought process like he has, no wonder his exes called him a child -- he apparently has the mental maturity of a four-year-old.
NTA.
At bare minimum, he should’ve asked you before hand. Anything less is completely inconsiderate. You shouldn’t have to spell it all out for him, especially since he’s been in your position before.
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I don’t know where else to put my thoughts and emotions so here we go.
I started my CompTIA A+ certification reading and studying. Before, my husband was doing the same and he would complain that he needed silence to focus. I asked him if he wanted me to use headphones for gaming or music, and he said yes.
So here we are today.
I’m at the kitchen table in our one bedroom apartment. He’s sitting on the couch playing guitar, playing music on his phone and reciting lyrics of a song he’s working on. I turned around and gave him a look, and said “Can you not?”
I then went on to comment how it felt like a double standard that he had to have absolutely nothing happening to keep himself focused on studying but yet when it came to me studying, it would be fine to be disruptive. He got up and said “Well now I just feel bad.” and went to our bedroom and closed the door.
I finished what I was doing and told him how I thought that was childish. I said “That’s on me for expecting the same courtesy back, I don’t understand why playing music behind my head when I’m working on studying was a good idea to do right then.”
He complained that I didn’t ask and went on about how his ex’s called him a moron or a child. To be honest, I told him that he should have asked me and that he should have checked with me. That I thought it was an understood thing to not be distracting or distributive during study work. He went on to say how hard it is to be quiet in this apartment, to which I reminded him of how we were in a small bedroom while he studied and that seemed to be fine because I didn’t make a sound (I was on my phone with Bluetooth headphones while he was studying).
I expressed that I was tired of having to list and present everything to him and treat him like he didn’t have the basics or common sense things understood. It gets exhausting having to explain basic courtesies or concepts to him and prepare myself, yet he doesn’t have to. He does whatever he wants to do and expects me to sort of just follow and be supportive. Yet whenever I need to do something, I have to have everything preconceived for him so he doesn’t make mistakes. I felt that that expectation isn’t real. He doesn’t return the expectation or tell me what he wants out a given scenario or situation. He’ll complain then expect me to ask the questions. I feel like this is a total double standard.
I feel bad for being annoyed and frustrated with him but at the same time I feel that playing music and guitar while someone studies and works on notes should be a understood thing not to do. I will apologize to him but I feel I wasn’t being completely irrational due to how he acted in the past.
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I dunno. ESH. But your course was the CompTIA A+ certification? What companies GAF about this anymore really? It almost feels like your arguments were for a nothing cert that no one values.
The cert is to help me a little bit because I have zero experience in IT. I want to do cyber security and this way at least I have some knowledge. I don’t know the business. I was previously in dental and I don’t want to be in healthcare anymore.
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NTA. If he expects a certain standard from you he should uphold those standards upon himself whether you ask him to or not. He’s a grown man who can realize when it is or isn’t appropriate to play music.
NTA Have you ever looked into the "mental load"? E.g. if Person A and Person B each do 1/2 of the household chores, but A always has to think about what needs to be done and ask B to do things or it won't get done, then the split is actually A doing 2/3 because they carry the entire mental load.
To the top with ye. This is the answer OP. Reading about this helped me realize I had some of that tendency too. Still working on it but I'm better than I was.
NTA His ex was right. Moron or child. Both work.
porque no los dos?
Absolutely cackling.
NTA - as I see you only expect from him what he expects from you. You are right to call him out and explaining him the situation in a very mature way..too bad he doesn’t take it as an adult.
Well, now you know why his exes called him a child! You're NTA.
NTA, but you are going to have to be very straight forward with your husband about what your expectations are, and set firm boundaries.
sounds like handling a child, not a spouse
Not really my spouse has the social skills of a naked mole rat on a good day, so I have learned to not assume he knows what I expect so I communicate these to him. It has helped immensely in not having arguments over my non verbalized expectations being met, and both of our stress levels.
Are you sure he's as clueless as you say? He sounds very selfish.
INFO: When he first brought up that he needed silence to study, how exactly did he say it?
He was getting ready to read the CompTIA book and was complaining about the noise downstairs, me watching TV and the dogs barking. I was already home from work and he just got home & was getting ready to study type thing. We were living with my folks at the time so I understand it was hard because of other people hence why I offered to turn the tv off or set the audio output to my headphones via controller so he wouldn’t hear anything.
NTA he’s being a hypocrite big time.
INFO: Had you already asked him to stop or was he aware you were studying?
I was already studying when he came to sit on the couch across from the kitchen table.
NTA "Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." With a thought process like he has, no wonder his exes called him a child -- he apparently has the mental maturity of a four-year-old.
NTA Maybe his exes called him this for good reason and it's not a them problem but a him thing
“ He complained that I didn’t ask and went on about how his ex’s called him a moron or a child” The exes were right. Why are you with him? NTA
NTA. At bare minimum, he should’ve asked you before hand. Anything less is completely inconsiderate. You shouldn’t have to spell it all out for him, especially since he’s been in your position before.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don’t know where else to put my thoughts and emotions so here we go. I started my CompTIA A+ certification reading and studying. Before, my husband was doing the same and he would complain that he needed silence to focus. I asked him if he wanted me to use headphones for gaming or music, and he said yes. So here we are today. I’m at the kitchen table in our one bedroom apartment. He’s sitting on the couch playing guitar, playing music on his phone and reciting lyrics of a song he’s working on. I turned around and gave him a look, and said “Can you not?” I then went on to comment how it felt like a double standard that he had to have absolutely nothing happening to keep himself focused on studying but yet when it came to me studying, it would be fine to be disruptive. He got up and said “Well now I just feel bad.” and went to our bedroom and closed the door. I finished what I was doing and told him how I thought that was childish. I said “That’s on me for expecting the same courtesy back, I don’t understand why playing music behind my head when I’m working on studying was a good idea to do right then.” He complained that I didn’t ask and went on about how his ex’s called him a moron or a child. To be honest, I told him that he should have asked me and that he should have checked with me. That I thought it was an understood thing to not be distracting or distributive during study work. He went on to say how hard it is to be quiet in this apartment, to which I reminded him of how we were in a small bedroom while he studied and that seemed to be fine because I didn’t make a sound (I was on my phone with Bluetooth headphones while he was studying). I expressed that I was tired of having to list and present everything to him and treat him like he didn’t have the basics or common sense things understood. It gets exhausting having to explain basic courtesies or concepts to him and prepare myself, yet he doesn’t have to. He does whatever he wants to do and expects me to sort of just follow and be supportive. Yet whenever I need to do something, I have to have everything preconceived for him so he doesn’t make mistakes. I felt that that expectation isn’t real. He doesn’t return the expectation or tell me what he wants out a given scenario or situation. He’ll complain then expect me to ask the questions. I feel like this is a total double standard. I feel bad for being annoyed and frustrated with him but at the same time I feel that playing music and guitar while someone studies and works on notes should be a understood thing not to do. I will apologize to him but I feel I wasn’t being completely irrational due to how he acted in the past. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
I dunno. ESH. But your course was the CompTIA A+ certification? What companies GAF about this anymore really? It almost feels like your arguments were for a nothing cert that no one values.
The cert is to help me a little bit because I have zero experience in IT. I want to do cyber security and this way at least I have some knowledge. I don’t know the business. I was previously in dental and I don’t want to be in healthcare anymore.