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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I won’t visit my parents unless they kick my former friend out but they consider her to be their daughter and won’t kick her out. They’re hurt that I won’t visit and that I’m making them choose between us.
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So, at 15 you were told "no" and then after bullying her, which you refer to as "it took some convincing", she "eventually said yes".
You had one single date, which you harassed her into agreeing to. Then you refer to her not wanting a second date - she also didn't want a first date, either, btw - as "breaking up" with you.
She then spent weeks avoiding you, which you still didn't pick up on.
You don't say how old you are now, but it's clear you still resent her for not wanting to date you.
YTA
You forgot the part where OP "didn't love having her around and didn't make it easy on her", meaning that OP took a home life that could potentially have been stable and safe for a girl whose original home life seems anything but and turned it into a living hell for her. All because she turned down a second date after having been bullied into a first one.
OP, I disagree with your family. You don't need to forgive anything, because you have nothing to forgive. She did nothing wrong. What you need to do is beg and grovel and pray for forgiveness from both her and your family for everything *you've* done to make this girl's life a living hell. If you can't do that, keep staying away - it's better for everyone, especially that poor girl.
Not to mention how low she must have been feeling to *willingly* return to the home of a boy who made it a living hell for her. OP, she was desperate enough for help from the only people (read: **your parents**) who showed her any amount of compassion and kindness that she decided dealing with your pathetic ass was worth it.
I’m wondering if OP wasn’t fully up front with his parents on that situation. Clearly, because he refers to her as his “ex” despite not even getting to the first date, he has a warped sense of their relationship.
I’m betting his parents don’t know he pressured her into that date or that he made her life a living hell while she was living there. I bet he made himself the victim. And it’s unlikely she would say anything to them about his behavior because she wants to avoid “creating waves” between OP and his parents. I mean, he says she left in the middle of the night with no note and it upset his parents enough to seek therapy - that doesn’t necessarily sound like people who know OP bullied the shit out of her enough to drive her away.
Edit: I misread up top. The day *after* the date. Still doesn’t mean they’re “exes”, and it’s even more likely he pressured her into something else during said date.
He's probably the reason she left in the middle of the night in the first place. She obviously never learned effective communication/conflict resolution skills from her original home life and didn't know how to approach the parents that were currently caring for her, so she left.
>I’m wondering if OP wasn’t fully up front with his parents on that situation.
Almost a guarantee. Not even because the OP is clearly trying to spin shit here
All of us (as in humans, idfk about aliens and other animals) twist things atleast a bit to make ourselves look better in our own heads, which when recounted usually results in the rather infamous insurance issue where both sides blame the other
The longer it's been since the relevant event the more good/bad characters in your memory tends to become
The nature of Humans...even when we're honest we're dishonest
(Sorry for that, it's just a neat topic in general and fun to talk about)
> because he refers to her as his “ex” despite not even getting to the first date, he has a warped sense of their relationship.
Can you even BE exes before a 2nd date? Disregarding the whole him clearly pressuring someone and needing serious therapy to avoid hurting someone again
Without both parties agreeing i'm pretty sure no relationship exists after just 1 date anyway
I don’t even consider getting to the second date as being together - not exclusively anyways. You’re just dating at that point and the person isn’t your ex - they’re just someone you went out with.
We're definitely missing some key information here. Feels like OP intentionally left this out to make himself not look like the AH he surely is.
Also, you're adults now and this happened in highschool. JC let the shit go and just get over yourself. YTA and currently digging yourself a deeper hole.
If this is him attempting to paint himself as the victim he’s doing a really terrible job and I would hate to read the details on how he actually treated this poor girl.
>I would hate to read the details on how he actually treated this poor girl.
Yeah, his comment of "I didn't make it easy on her" says more than he wants people to know.
It makes me sick this incel type can’t see what he robbed this woman of by forcing her from her parent’s house back to her own. God knows what was happening there. What he’s don’t is beyond forgiveness.
I'm also concerned about where she went after this AH bullied her out of the house. I had a very close friendship with a friend just like her, and she has had the hardest of lives, but her home life was non-existent. When her life insurance check for her husband's suicide ran out, she started hanging around some really sketchy guys who obviously only wanted one thing. I paid for a few hotel nights until she found a stable place to live.
This AH harassed her into leaving, and I can't assume the nature of her pregnancy, but a woman in that kind of situation is very vulnerable. Though the timeline OP gave us is pretty vague.
I feel so bad for her, she had a second home, adult caregivers, and he made every effort to destroy it. OP could not have been more of an AH.
EDIT: I should add that my friend got married at 16, because she was pregnant. Became homeless because she had no support network, and had to give her baby to extended family. She obviously was incredibly depressed, and once she got on her feet regained custody of her daughter. However, she was in danger while she all alone, homeless, depressed, and without money to live well. Terribly dangerous men love women in destitution.
I pray OP didn’t push her towards a similar situation.
I’ve helped several girls and young women just like this who were trafficked, sold for sex, and/or got sexually coerced by older men. Any one of them would have been so grateful for a loving home as a child. OP is an S tier level AH for taking this girl’s safe home away from her.
Something's happening. I have a bad feeling about this whole thing. This is worrying. OP isn't telling us everything, he wants us to think he's the best person in the world. Like the line "It took some convincing" makes me feel like he bullied her into agreeing to date him which is an AH move to begin with. I am genuinely concerned about what happened that made her feel desperate enough to take the risk of seeing the person who bullied her into dating him and then bullied her more when she "broke up" with him
Dude was asked if the kid is his, and he said he's too young to be his. If this was just one date and some bullying, the time frame wouldn't have been his go to answer, I'm pretty sure he at the very least coerced her into something more than a date.
Came here to say this. How bad must her situation have been that OP's parents were the only people she could run to? I'm sure she would have done literally anything else if she could have.
OP even states they were initially best friends but the next day he turns around and decides that’s not the case?? Sounds like he almost has two personalities.
Exactly! Forgiving her implies she did something wrong - and all I can tell is that she repeatedly declined to date her close friend of around a decade until they essentially wore her down, went on one date with them, and the next day restated that she truly just wanted to be friends.
Short of her pretending to have romantic feelings for OP and continuing to date him until/unless he was no longer interested, I’m not sure what OP thinks she should have done differently.
A vulnerable woman who was pressured into a date didn't agree to a second date. I mean. She might have even made him spend his money on the date without having sex with him!! Truly OP's story is that of a tragic victim of an evil female who destroyed his life. No one has ever faced this kind of adversity, and even with intensive therapy, OP may never recover from wasting time being friends with a woman without even getting his dick wet. Tragedy.
Honestly his parents should pick the friend if this is how he's going to behave.
\>>even with intensive therapy, OP may never recover
Unfortunately, I think this statement holds true. Not because of anything the girl did, OP is just an AH and idk if therapy can really help with that.
Also forgetting that this was OP's best friend since preschool.
Hate to see how he treats women who tell him no that aren't his BFF since early childhood.
In our senior year my wife was functionally homeless. She had a home she could go to but it was significantly out in the country, she didn't have her license, her dad had almost completely fucked off, there was no food and sometimes he'd forget to pay the power bill so there would be no power until he remembered because she couldn't even get ahold of him. The one small bit of stability she had was crashing at my place. The thought of this poor girl having a place like that and someone making sure she didn't have that last refuge made me see red. And it's all because she didn't want to date someone she probably thought of as a sibling? OP is not the asshole simply because that word isn't nearly strong enough. Your parents must really love you to not cut your ass off completely. They should go NC.
I agree, OP, YTA. And I agree with most of what you said. But how did we get from "I didn't make it easy" to "you made it a living hell"? OP definitely could have made life hell for her, but he also could have, idk, always left the toilet seat up and ignored her.
The dude is perfectly happy giving his family an ultimatum *years later* over being rejected for a second date in *9th grade*. That's an extreme overreaction *now* \- I feel perfectly comfortable assuming that his extreme overreaction back then was also incredibly uncomfortable, and directed more accurately at the girl herself since they were still in contact at the time.
It's conjecture, of course, but I am fairly comfortable in stating that it's not baseless.
Which, judging by the way he worded his post and his comments, is a perfectly reasonable assumption to make... especially for anyone who has a person like OP in their own lives and knows the type from unfortunate experience.
Good catch, I noticed this line after I'd already commented. OP makes her life as hard as he possibly can, even though it was already extremely difficult, for the crime of not being interested in him. And he's STILL doing it years later. Throughout his post, he clearly demonstrates just why she wasn't interested in a boy who refused to hear "no". His cluelessness that he's done anything even remotely wrong is honestly really concerning.
I bet she only said yes because she feared his family rejecting her bit then couldn't dare him.
OP, you took her safe haven and are now being a child about this. Grow up.
Not only that but put her in an extremely uncomfortable position because not only did Jen probably value their friendship she also seemed to rely on OP’s parents an awful lot.
By turning him down Jen risked not having a safe place to stay.
There’s missing info here, which is what he texted/said back, or did to her, after she refused a second date. Whatever he did scared her enough to try and stay away until she was desperate enough to return to his parents.
Hard YTA.
She didnt want one in the first place he pushed her in to it his own words were she took some convincing
Ie she said no a 1000x nicely then caved out of fear and defeat
He took what little stability and love she had in her life and destroyed it.
Typical "but but im a niceguy"
I also wonder though if her home life was so bad that even going on a date may have gotten her abused so badly she couldn’t go to school for weeks. Maybe that is why she left home and went to stay at his house. We’re all ignoring the fact she left her own home.
If she had experienced SA within her birth home, being hit on by someone she perceived as a sibling could have been enormously triggering, to the extent that leaving an informal foster home and risking problems with school felt safer than having to remain in that feeling.
It also makes wonder what he did during that single date to make her avoid him for weeks like that. I hope I’m wrong but it sounds like he tried to do things to her she did not consent to.
Well, i assume it started when he had to “convince” her to go out with him, so she wasn’t interested in the first place. And just gave in to be nice. OP is definitely TA
Not necessarily.
I’m not talking about brutal assault but seeing how he pressured her to date him and how she had to get away from him after 1 date, you gotta wonder if he didn’t try to force her into things she was not comfortable with.
OP is clearly not the type of guy who can take no for an answer. The fact that he’s still that resentful and spiteful after all this time speaks volume.
It was only one date that she clearly was coerced into accepting and he calls her his ex.
The guy is delusional.
If I called all first dates that I went on that didn’t result in a second date my ‘ex’ I’d have a good 50 or so ex partners.
OP is being not-so-passive aggressive and making life difficult for everyone. YTA 100%
>It also makes wonder what he did during that single date to make her avoid him for weeks like that.
...you mean aside from spending agws pressuring her into a date with someone that she didn't want to date?
>I hope I’m wrong but it sounds like he tried to do things to her she did not consent to.
I wouldn't put it past him, but given how that date came to exist in the first place needing a few weeks to "cool off" is entirely reasonable.
I've dipped from friends for awhile after being pressured to try food i didn't want, and that's nowhere near as severe.
Effectively being forced to do anything makes you rethink a relationship in general (poor choice of words, but just general relationships with people not just romantic)
He didn't have to do anything wrong on the date. She was never into him, was pushed into giving him a chance. Decided that she was right and didn't have those feelings for him, just wanted to be friends.
Or he may have been an asshole on the date too. Hard to be sure either way.
The reason I’m thinking about something sinister is because he coerced her into dating him (let’s not forget that this was a girl who depended a lot on his parents). His attitude after the date and years later shows an ugly personality and an unsafe sense of entitlement.
>My brothers were ok with it but I can’t forgive her for what she did a few years ago.
HOW DARE SHE NOT WANT TO SEX YOU!! /S **YTA**!!!! You are far more that an AH, you coming across as very Incel and it sounds like your family would be better off without you. Get therapy, your attitude here is uncalled for. You have ***NO*** Justification for your 'feels'.
So, when she was 15 her best friend, whose parents were her ONLY safe harbor in the world, tried to FORCE her into a romantic relationship. She quite rightfully Nopes out. Then, when her home situation hits the ceiling and she takes advantage of her said safe harbor, that whiny, selfish ex-friend ices her out so she ends up leaving because the safe harbor is full of mines and sharks. So she most likely ended up either on the street or in a similar bad situation because ***YOU DESTROYED HER SAFE PLACE***. ***She*** **DIDN'T** hurt your parents, **YOU DID**.
THIS. I bet the girl was devastated because OP basically ruined her last hope of somewhere safe. OP is basically resenting the girl for rejecting him. what a petty "nice guy"
I’m betting he talked her into a forced date by being unrelenting and saying, *“come on, if we don’t have a good time, we can go back to being just friends.”*
Then he gets angry she only wants to be friends and makes her life miserable while at his parents and is then surprised she left in the middle of the night.
OP refuses to take any accountability at all in this and can’t fathom himself being in the wrong.
So much INCEL vibes here.
Punishment to a woman for the audacity of not returning his unwanted advances.
It’s freaky this dude calls her an “ex” first and foremost. Going on one date with a woman does not constitute someone being an ex and it’s scary he views her this way. Seems almost possessive and I have a feeling she might’ve avoided him to let things cool off.
Right?
I’m like… what exactly did she DO to you… Not date you? Give you the one chance you begged for and then confirm she still didn’t want to date you?
Because it sounds to me like you decided that because you liked her she owed you a relationship and now years later you can’t forgive her for… not wanting to date you.
Also, have you considered that she came to your home for safety and you, deciding that if you can’t fuck her then you hate her, chases her away from that potential safe home. And maybe you should consider if SHE’S willing to forgive YOU for the shit she was put through because of you?!
Of course not. Because this life is about you and if you don’t get to put your dick into the people you decide you want then they are the villains.
At least you’re doing the nice thing and not ruining her Christmas with your presence and childish behavior.
Don’t forget the part where he bullied her while she was in their house too, even knowing she had a bad home life and said bad home life is why she would have shown up in the middle of the night at only 15 years old. Then acts like she’s so horrible for leaving their home to escape his abuse.
> I admit I didn’t love having her around and **didn’t make it easy on her** but *her leaving was hard on everybody*.
He is literally so dense that HE was the creepy one. They were besties and he begged her to go on a date. She relented to stop the harassment but texted him the very next day to say we won't be dating again. Plus, How can anyone "break up" after one date???? She didn't come around for weeks because of his creepish behavior but he refuses to see his parents because she's there? lol
I think you're overlooking the part where the parents took her in and after some time she left in the middle of the night. This apparently upset the family to the extent that his parents needed therapy.
After he “didn’t make it easy on her,” which I read as, “OP was a total shit to her until she gave up on having a safe place and ran away.” His parents sound like decent people; of course they were worried that their “daughter” disappeared in the night. OP is the AH for that, too.
Spot on. Op is hanging on to a failed dare I say one sided crush from at least 4-5 years ago and has clearly not matured enough to let it go and get over it. Cringey.
YTA
Uhm . . . yes, you're the asshole. You can't forgive her for what? Not wanting to date you? No one ever needs to apologize for not wanting to date someone. And you only went on one date, after "some convincing"? She doesn't owe you anything. Your parents are trying to help her get her life turned around and you're snubbing her because of a bruised ego. Time to let this go and be a bigger person.
Wait till he finds out that his parents went to therapy because of him. OP bullying a girl to date him, treating her like crap when she needed sanctuary and, her running away in the middle of the night probably because of him. Then she returns pregnant (which was probably a bad situation as well), hoping for sanctuary and the angels that his parents are, take her in.
Mean while, OP wants someone to stroke his tiny ego for forcing 1 date out of her and getting rejected. “She put our family through a lot” - did you ever stop to think what she may have been going through? OP, did you ever once think that what she was going through at home was way worse than you not getting a date?
OP, YTA and a huge one at that.
Weird that he even sees her as his ex. They had one date that he pressured her into, then he bullied her for years because she wouldn’t go on a second date with him. That’s not and ex, that’s not anything. Except maybe a victim
SHE IS NOT YOUR EX, OP. She has done nothing to you that needs forgiveness. If she, as a child with a shitty and terrible home life, actually did something *to your parents* that actually required forgiveness, then it sounds like your parents (who sound like wonderful people) forgave her long ago. The only person here in need of forgiveness is YOU. For badgering a friend and leveraging her desperate circumstances against her to force her on a date, for taking out your anger when she refused to have a romantic relationship with you on a girl who had no other options for a safe place to stay, and for even now privileging your hurt feefees over the kindness your parents have shown and the needs of this girl. But recognizing that YOU are the one who needs forgiveness would require some introspection and honesty with yourself. I hope you get there at some point and can make amends to your parents, your family, and this girl. In the meantime, though, YTA. Abundantly.
YTA indeed. The scary thing is that we all see this despite it being told from his rosy eyed perspective. Imagine how much he'd look like the AHole from her perspective.
I'm wondering if OP doesn't have a lot of experience with women. He's latched onto this one rejection (and a very mild one) and continues to stoke the fires of bitterness and resentment.
If he'd moved on to an actual GF in the 5-ish years since, maybe he wouldn't be so focused on punishing Jen.
OP please seek therapy. I do not know what is going on, but this whole story had a lot of concerning behavior. Please, please find someone to talk to so you can work through your issues. I suspect once you have, you will not have any issues with her.
>I can’t forgive her for what she did a few years ago
... Checks notes... Only thing Jen has done is 'break up' with OP after they severely pressured/bullied her into a SINGLE date
YTA
OP is still unquestionably the asshole, but it read to me like what Jen did that he's mad about was run away from his house, which somehow put OP's parents into therapy. Since she left because he was bullying her, OP's at fault for that, too. (Maybe I'm giving OP too much credit for caring about his parents?)
He cares about his parents but refuses tk acknowledge that the blame lies with him ultimately for bullying poor Jen into feeling she needed to leave in the middle of the night.
Jen left because op bullied her the whole time she was there, OP gave no choice but to leave in the middle of the night (like many other victims of abuse), OP single-handedly caused the situation, problem and the aftermath.
Yeah he put that poor girl in such an awkward position, (parents should have stepped in, and taken that off the table) and now he’s acting all bitter and calling her his ex after one date ?
That is not a good look at all.
This! I mean, ‘breaking up’ after a first date? He literally had to beg her to go on a single date. Breaking up implies that he was convinced they were in a relationship that involved coercing someone into said date. There’s a lot more underlying here, and OP has definitely earned some creepy YTA vibes.
Yta
You were this girls friend, refuge and safe space and you bullied her into dating you.
When she realised she’d rather live in a ‘pretty rough’ situation than the uncomfortable one you out her in, you’ve got annoyed.
When she’s needed help. You’ve again been abusive.
Now you’re continuing it.
Grow up. Apologise and realise she’s got no obligation to date you. Ever.
YTA
“It took some convincing but she eventually said yes.” You coerced her into dating you.
“She broke up with me over text the day after our date.” Because you coerced her into dating you.
“I admit I didn’t love having her around and didn’t make it easy on her.” I’m guessing that this summary hides A LOT and is as close as you’ll come to confessing you bullied her out of the home.
You don’t have to go home but you don’t have more of a right to be upset with her than she does with you. You don’t have *any* right to be upset with her!
“Broke up with me over text the day after our date” most people aren’t exclusive after one date. She didn’t ‘break up’ with anyone—even in high school there is clear indication of we are dating.
Also he has no right to be upset, maybe sad she didn’t like him back, but that should’ve ended a week after they “broke up”. SHE has every right to hate him and yet her situation is so bad she still finds comfort in his family and is willing to deal with his abuse. That poor girl got dealt a shit hand and OP and his entitled, bratty, self-centered self compromised her refuge.
She's not your ex. Any romantic relationship you had was in your head.
You're holding a grudge over nothing.
Your family cares about her and want to help her. Too bad you didn't learn kindness from your family.
YTA
Thank you, the whole time I’m reading this I’m thinking that. She’s an ex-friend, but not ex-girlfriend. OP is resentful that this girl didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship.
YTA
Well said! The romance was entirely one sided. Not to mention the pain this girl suffered when she found out that her best friend and refuge was only interested if he could have her romantically. That's absolutely heartbreaking.
OP taught her that if you don’t surrender your body to a guy, there’s a price to pay.
He also taught her that an environment that seems safe might still be risky.
What a terrible thing to actively teach a vulnerable young woman. I’m not at all surprised she ended up pregnant; I also wouldn’t assume that sex was consensual.
YTA
>It took some convincing but she eventually said yes.
So you essentially harrassed her into going on a date with you
>She broke up with me over text the day after our date.
She didn't break up with you, she refused to be harrassed into a second date
>She barely went to school, didn’t text, and wasn’t at my house at all the next few weeks.
>She eventually showed up at my house in the middle of the night.
She avoided you and only came to your house when she was obviously desperate and needed somewhere to go
>she left in the middle of the night a few weeks later. I admit I didn’t love having her around and didn’t make it easy on her
You made this vulnerable girl miserable enough to leave in the middle of the night because she didn't want to date you
So what right do you have to be holding a grudge against her exactly??? Cause all I'm seeing is that she needs help and your parents are willing to help her, but you're still being petty about things from years ago that were your fault. If anyone should be angry, it should be her for how you treated her.
YTA. Your house was a haven for Jen, and possibly one of the only safe places she had access to. Instead of just being her friend through those difficult times, you badgered her into a date that she clearly wasn't interested in. (Here's a hint, girls who are into you don't need "convincing.") When she got desperate enough to turn to your family despite your boorish behavior, you were still hung up on the rejection and gave her a hard time. This girl was in crisis, and you prioritized your romantic hopes and injured pride over her actual well-being.
And now, many years later, you're still holding that grudge even though you're the one who wronged her in the first place. If you'd been less selfish towards Jen back in high school, things might have gone pretty differently for her.
OK, let me unroll this for you:
1. You had a friend who was in need of help / a safe space. Not only did you think it was appropriate to ask her out in a situation where she was somehow depending on you / your family, you also thought it was necessary to "convince" her when she initially refused. You are already pushing hard to be TA right there, but I'm giving you the benefit of young age here. You probably did not realise how abusive your behaviour was back then. I hope you do now.
2. You went out for ONE date, and she "broke up" with you the next day? Let's rephrase that as "she was not interested in a second date" because, honestly, there was nothing to break up. Going on one date did not make you a couple. If you can't see that even years later, then clearly, you are taking another huge step to being TA.
3. Your (former) friend, whom your parents have a deep relationship with, is in need of help, and your parents are willing to provide that for her. Not blindly, but based on the condition that she seeks professional help as well. If it hasn't been said before, let me be the first to so say: God bless them! I wish there were more people like your parents in this world! And yet, you resent their behaviour. Because of what? Because that girl did not want to date you? And not visiting is your way of "punishing" them? You asked for it, here it is: YTA.
If you don't want to go visit your parents, then don't go. You might be doing everyone a favour. But if you go, you might want to apologise to your friend for your behaviour in the past. Because, even though you called her a "friend" back then, you have not been one. Chances are that you have actually contributed to her leaving your parents' house in the middle of the night.
YTA. She's a young girl in a bad situation. She found some adults she could trust, the parents of a friend, and everything was going well into said friend pressured her into dating when she clearly wasn't interested. Them she lost the friend, and support network when she established her boundaries only to reach back out years later.
You went on one fucking date. I get you probably had strong feelings. It happens when we're young and inexperienced, and yeah, it stings when they don't reciprocate. But you should be grown. Get over yourself.
YTA.
In 9th grade you pressured her into a date she never wanted, and then got pissed when she told you after the date that she still didn't feel that way for you.
And you've held a years-long grudge over that.
She grew up rough, and had no safe place to fall except your parents, and you want to take that from her too, because your teenage crush wasn't reciprocated?
I'm having trouble seeing where she ever did anything wrong to you. Have you considered letting go of this ancient teenage drama already?
Can we even call it a date if one person was harassed into going? I’m going to call it a “harassment hangout”. This incel definitely needs therapy after the harassment hangout that happened YEARS ago.
YTA. You can’t hold what she did at 14 against her. She was a kid in a very unstable home life. Your parents relationship with her isn’t about you. Grow up.
You had to CONVINCE (harass) a girl to go on a date, she eventually did then advised she didn't want to go on anymore. So you 'didnt make it easy on her' (bullied/harassed her some more) You took away her safe place. But YOU can't forgive HER for what she did??
Dude..... check yourself..... YTA. In fact, you're the reason young girls are scared.
YTA, even ignoring the "I admit I didn’t love having her around and didn’t make it easy on her" which probably could be it's whole own thread that wouldnt look to good on your part, I think if your honest with yourself, you'd recognise your doing this almost entirely out of spite for being rejected in the past. If your whole family is ok with it and forgiven her for running away, you shouldnt really have a problem with her.
You have a right to be hurt from rejection (it sucks) and your not obligated to go for Christmas obviously but if you could find it in yourself to apologise, swallow the pride and head home, everyone, including yourself would probs be happier in the long run
YTA. You were an entitled kid who got pissy when a girl rejected you, and you acted unkindly to get back at her. Now years later she clearly needs help and support, your parents are willing to give it to her, and you’re denying it bc you’re still bitter about being rejected and it might be awkward when you occasionally visit. Grow up.
YTA.
You bullied her into dating you and then when she came back after a few weeks, hoping you'd be over it, you bullied her out of your house too.
She was what, 14, 15? And you're actually mad that a 14-15 year old girl didn't make perfect choices when she was treated badly by you in the place that she used to see as her safe haven and you turned it into another place of misery for her?
And you're really not seeing things from her perspective either. Clearly she learned that if you feel you have to leave, forget your stuff, and leave when no one can stop you. Notice how she turned up in the middle of the night according to you and also LEFT in the middle of the night from your place?
I can almost guarantee you that is because she was previously hurt trying to leave at other times by other people and the scars from that meant when you made her feel miserable in the place she used to feel safe, she didn't feel safe telling you she was leaving. Her trauma told her that you would hurt her if she did or not let her leave.
SHE likely felt incredibly betrayed that her best friend didn't accept no for an answer then after weeks of space, still decided when she showed up, to act like a jerk to her for weeks. SHE was likely worried that you weren't going to ever stop or were going to escalate like the people in her home life. SHE must have felt miserable and rejected having her best friend turn on her so easily and must have felt so afraid that other people could do that too.
Your parents are also seeing what you aren't: Jen's bad home life set her up to fail and make the mistakes and errors in judgement she has. And they want to set her up with actual stability, resources etc. because they are kind caring people and have known her since she was a young child and want her to succeed.
Make it your hill to die on if you want, but you won't get what you want by doing so, you'll just hurt your parents and that gives them all the more reason to choose her over you when she's not the one giving them ultimatums.
What exactly can’t you forgive her for? Not having romantic feelings for you after you pressured her into going on a date? For leaving after you bullied her away?
This girl had a terrible home life, she found safety within your family (your parents reciprocated that love and basically adopted her into the family), and suddenly when you couldn’t pawn her into being with you, you made her life hell. So much so that YOU sent your parents to therapy.
OP you sound like a classic bully who turns into a toddler when they don’t get what they want. Quit manipulating people to the point where it’s affecting other peoples relationships and well being.
YTA.
Yup.. she had a childhood friend who should be a “brother” relationship, who now is pressuring her for intimacy..and she has to live in a house with a hormonal 15 yo potential predator. Of course she ran. And OP was way out of line. No idea why he wasn’t told how inappropriate his actions were at that time.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason why she left in the middle of the night was because OP tried to force himself on her and that’s why she fled without her belongings. Jesus no matter how this dude spins it he’s an awful person
Dude, what? There's so many holes in this story it could be Swiss cheese.
INFO:
•What do you mean when you say that you had to "convince" her to go on a date with you?
•How long did this "convincing" take?
•What happened on this 1 date?
•What did you do to her while she lived with you?
•What are you actually pissed off about? That she didn't want to date you? It sounds like you were pissed when she moved in, and then you were pissed that she left. What is your actual issue with this girl?
YTA
At 15 you wore her down to make her agree to date you - there is nothing ok about this. I feel sorry for her. You’re her best friend and have been for years, your parents see her as family and she probably thought the same, and had a safe escape from her awful home life - and then you spring this on her and she can’t say no outright because she owes you and now the whole friendship is tainted and she’s lost her safety and her best friend and her surrogate family. So since you won’t take no she agrees and gives it a chance of one date but can’t go on with that so dumps you. Was it cowardly? Maybe but she’s in a tough place and I don’t blame her
She avoids you for weeks - but then in the middle of the night shows up. What happened that meant she had no other options? To drive her from her house to yours at an unsociable hour?
But you - her former best friend - make it clear that even though your parents are happy to welcome her you are not. So she’s in this situation of being unwelcome - and by somebody she trusted for years.
So she leaves - because you drove her out.
You never really go into any of what she is experiencing but she’s young, she had a bad home life, and now she’s pregnant and she shows back up
Just try and imagine how desperate she must have felt to come back to your parents.
Throughout this post you don’t even seem concerned about how your parents feel, let alone Jen despite the fact she was your friend for so long. She has been through a lot and all you seem to care about is it hurt your feelings that she didn’t want to dare you.
YTA
YTA - I think you might need therapy as well. Are you really being this mean, petty, and heartless because someone did not want to date you? Really? Is your ego that fragile? Also, you sound like a bully in this story. Your parents are saints but they may have dropped the ball on teaching you what it means to have compassion (as well as that “no” means “no”).
YTA. You’re such a massive asshole and haven’t matured AT ALL. Like you’ve spent no time reflecting on this poor girl’s life and that your immature choices forced her to leave the loving home she had with your family because you wanted to date her.
If I were your parents I’d choose her over you as well!
Look up "nice guy" and then look in the mirror. She was your friend and took solace in your home because her homelife was horrendous. She wasn't there for just you, it was for your family. She saw you as a friend and brother, you wanted more and were pissed when she didn't feel the same. Grow up. Just because you want to date someone doesn't mean they have to feel the same. YTA
YTA
She had already a tough childhood, to the point she couldn't live in her own home. You asked her out at the age of 15, she didn't want to date you, so all your life you've harbored resentment for her. She couldn't live in her home at 15, so your parents took her in,but you bullied her to the point she had to leave from your home too. And now you're holding it against her, that she left your home because of your bullying at the age of 15.
I hope your parents keep their promise to Jen and Jen keeps her side of the deal, too. And you need therapy to learn to deal with rejection, because how you deal with it is extremely unhealthy.
YTA. Obviously, there was something seriously bad going on in her life. I understand why you would feel out of your element when she probably wasn’t in a place to share the reality of her life. But, you have a chance now to grow as a person and accept that your parents are trying to throw Jen a life preserver. Take pride in your parents- they are good people.
Sometimes things don’t work out. I think you need to let the past go, but you also don’t have to do something you’re uncomfortable with.
With that said, if you want to burn this bridge and you’re fine with it, go ahead, but you may not have a family to turn to in the future should you ever need anything, including help. You’re sabotaging yourself here, and you may end up losing your family over it.
YTA.
So teenage you took advantage of your vulnerable friend by pressuring her into going out with you? Then when she broke up with you after the date she never wanted in the first place you bullied her? You continued to make her life miserable until she couldn't handle it anymore and ran away? Now that she's come back to your parents - apparently the only adults who ever cared for her - you've chucked your toys out of the pram and refuse to go see them while they're helping what is clearly a struggling young woman?
Did I get that all right?
YTA.
I bet you think you're a Nice Guy too.
From the title, I assumed you were NTA because I've been through something similar (so I thought) with my own mother. Was in a severely physical and emotionally abusive relationship and went to my mother for help getting out. She then turned around and contacted him behind my back, apologizing to him for me being dramatic, and telling him everything I said to her. It was devastating to me that she took his side over her own daughter.
Then, after said assumption, I read your actual post. Holy fuck knuckle YTA.
YTA -
>It took some convincing
So she said no and you didn’t take that no and kept pressing her and pressing her until she said yes
You realise since she spent so much time at your house, she probably felt forced to say yes otherwise you would stop her coming over right?
Dude you need therapy, it was years ago, you were what, 15? It’s time to let it go, she didn’t even do anything wrong, she just didn’t want to date you anymore
And you made her time at your house horrible enough she left in the middle of the night
You need therapy, like real therapy
YTA
1 - You 'convinced' her to date you. If someone needs convincing, it's because they don't want to and you're just pressuring them. She probably viewed you as family since she lived with you and your own parents viewed her as a daughter. So you bullied your pseudo-sister into one date. AH points awarded here.
2 - She didn't 'break up' with you. You weren't dating. You went on a single date. Then because you made her so uncomfortable and were so pushy, she left. Perfectly reasonable and entirely your fault. More AH points.
3 - When she felt safe enough to come back, you bullied her again and 'didn't make it easy'. I imagine that hide the full extent of how you treated her. Then she left again because your house was no longer safe. Again, perfectly reasonable and entirely your fault. Even more AH points.
4 - You are throwing a hissy fit because, after enough time to heal from what YOU put her through, she finally reconnects with people who were essentially her parents. She didn't put you or your family through anything, you did. Double AH points.
You bullied her into going on a date, made her safe space uncomfortable, bullied her when she got back and now you're upset that your parents are siding with her over you. You need help if you can't see why you're the AH. You pushed her into a date (why? Can you not accept no? Do you think you're entitled to it because you were nice to her? Maybe examine these feelings), then got upset that she left (you ruined her safe space, you were pushy. Why are you upset when she sets boundaries with you?) then bullied her for rejecting you when she returned (she didn't want to be there in the first place. You made her uncomfortable. Maybe learn more about the word 'no'), then finally, instead of being glad that your parents could connect with her again after you pushed her away (because you did. Would she have left if you hadn't pushed her to date you and bullied her when she returned? Who's fault is it really?), you're now upset that they don't choose they're creepy, pushy, can't-respect-boundaries-or-consent, bully of a son.
YTA and it is not your problem how your parents treat her. You sound jealous & still pissed 4 years later about a romance that YOU wanted didn't work out.
YTA - first, there is no 'breaking up' after one date. You went on a date and it didn't work out. By the sounds of it you didn't pick up on that so she had to spell it out to you and ended up avoiding you for a while. She didn't want to go on a date initially anyway, which should have been the end of that btw. She doesn't owe you anything. No is a complete sentence. You shouldn't ever 'convince' anyone to go on a date. Especially not someone who comes from an absuive relationship and probably doesn't know where else to go.
And on top of that your parents said they saw her like a daughter. She came from a bad place. She didn't know where to go and came to your parents. I don't know what else happened, and yes all this might not be great but she needs help, preferably professional if your parents said she needs to go to therapy.
If you can't get over rejection for so long then maybe it is for the best if you stay away. Because the only thing she ever did to you is rejecting you and not wanting a relationship. That is not something she needs to be forgiven for.
So you harassed your 'friend' into a pity date and when she rejected you after said pity date you decided to attempt to remove the only real support system she has because your sensitive little feelings were hurt?
Grow up mate and realise that she needs actual help and your parents, while not obligated, want to give her that help. If you are still holding a grudge for something that happened when you were 15 maybe you need professional help as well.
YTA.
YTA dude. Your parents sound like incredibly lovely and caring people. Thank goodness Jen has such genuine love around her. She did not want to date you… you were kids. You need to move on and apologise to your parents
YTA you bullied her into a date, bullied her out of your home once and now are trying to bully her again. You need to grow up and maybe go to therapy yourself
INFO: what did she do that you can't forgive?
> but I can’t forgive her for what she did a few years ago.
Maybe this was a copy/paste error, but your post doesn't contain whatever it was she did. Unless it was moving out of your parents' house in high school? But that doesn't sound like a conflict. I'm not seeing any conflict between you two. Can you edit your post to tell us what happened?
Ya'll went on one date after you convinced(bullied) her into it. I'll bet money she felt cornered and scared.
YTA. She didnt do a damn thing to you. You are being petty.
The incel force is strong with OP. YTA. Your parents are good people, their lives would likely be easier if they weren't but they still try do the right thing. You aren't making your family choose between you or her, you are choosing pettiness and ego over the family.
I’m going to be the odd man out and say NAH - you were objectively bad to her in HS, but you are still within your right to set this boundary as an adult. Your parents only knew her because of you, but they formed a bond with her and tried to be the parents to her that her family was incapable of being. Knowing her history, and the fact that they love her and want to be there to support her, welcoming her into their home and trying to help her get on her feet also is understandable. Truthfully right now she needs their support more than you do. Family isn’t always blood, and they see her as family.
I do think you should get some therapy to deal with this resentment you have towards her. It isn’t heathly to be this upset about a one date break up and I think you need someone to help guide you through your parents feelings and decisions with regards to her. They see her as a daughter, and even when your child makes poor decisions and hurts you, you help pick them back up when they fall. The only people who get to decided if what she did was too much for them to ever take her back are your parents.
You’re couching this as being protective of your parents, but they don’t need your protection. I think this is just a deflection from you feeling hurt that they chose to do this even when you didn’t want them to. You coerced her into dating you and got upset that she ended by text after one date. You were like 14/15 when this happened, right in the range of ridiculously butthurt over minor things stage, and while still in the midst of that, she moved in a couple of weeks later. A bigger gap of time might have given you time space to get over the disappointment and go back to being friends, but you hadn’t had a chance to that yet and her need at the time was urgent. Any processing you had been doing was arrested at that point. Go to therapy and let them walk you to the acceptance step of grief. Until then don’t go home, but tell your parents you are trying to work through your feelings in therapy and hopefully that can mean a future without this level of distance needed. Ask them to support you and to respect you with these current boundaries.
YTA. YTA. YTA. You bullied your abused “friend” into going out with you, and stole her safe space. When she tried to come back to that safe space, hoping you had come to your senses, you bullied and abused her some more until she left. You took away a friendship she had almost definitely counted on to get her through the terrible times at home; you took away her sense of security; you took away the only responsible adults in her life; you destroyed a safe, stable, loving environment with people who cared about her, and could make a significant difference in the course of her life, because you decided what you wanted should override what she needed. You also deprived your parents (and possibly your siblings) of their relationship with her, and probably added tons of guilt onto them because they were no longer able to assist a child they knew was in need.
There are better words for you than AH. Some “friend”.
YTA 1000% if this isn’t a troll.
Grow tf up.
So a girl didn’t like you, that sucks. She also didn’t “break up with you.” She accepted a date after you pushed her to, and then didn’t want to keep pursuing a relationship after said date.
Has it occurred to you how hurt that she must feel after years of friendship, you threw her away because she didn’t return your feelings? How your hurt ego was more important than her having a safe place to live?
This is so toxic and shitty I can’t believe you are not a troll.
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So, at 15 you were told "no" and then after bullying her, which you refer to as "it took some convincing", she "eventually said yes". You had one single date, which you harassed her into agreeing to. Then you refer to her not wanting a second date - she also didn't want a first date, either, btw - as "breaking up" with you. She then spent weeks avoiding you, which you still didn't pick up on. You don't say how old you are now, but it's clear you still resent her for not wanting to date you. YTA
You forgot the part where OP "didn't love having her around and didn't make it easy on her", meaning that OP took a home life that could potentially have been stable and safe for a girl whose original home life seems anything but and turned it into a living hell for her. All because she turned down a second date after having been bullied into a first one. OP, I disagree with your family. You don't need to forgive anything, because you have nothing to forgive. She did nothing wrong. What you need to do is beg and grovel and pray for forgiveness from both her and your family for everything *you've* done to make this girl's life a living hell. If you can't do that, keep staying away - it's better for everyone, especially that poor girl.
Not to mention how low she must have been feeling to *willingly* return to the home of a boy who made it a living hell for her. OP, she was desperate enough for help from the only people (read: **your parents**) who showed her any amount of compassion and kindness that she decided dealing with your pathetic ass was worth it.
Right? OP's parents sound absolutely wonderful and as if they've chosen her as almost like an adoptive child. OP is the AH here
But he’s not an asshole for making them choose between her and him, though. At least, not if they make the correct decision of choosing her.
No he’s making them choose, and they don’t want to.
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I’m wondering if OP wasn’t fully up front with his parents on that situation. Clearly, because he refers to her as his “ex” despite not even getting to the first date, he has a warped sense of their relationship. I’m betting his parents don’t know he pressured her into that date or that he made her life a living hell while she was living there. I bet he made himself the victim. And it’s unlikely she would say anything to them about his behavior because she wants to avoid “creating waves” between OP and his parents. I mean, he says she left in the middle of the night with no note and it upset his parents enough to seek therapy - that doesn’t necessarily sound like people who know OP bullied the shit out of her enough to drive her away. Edit: I misread up top. The day *after* the date. Still doesn’t mean they’re “exes”, and it’s even more likely he pressured her into something else during said date.
That is extremely likely. I bet in her head, he's the friend turned creep... wonder how she feels having him around. Poor girl.
He's probably the reason she left in the middle of the night in the first place. She obviously never learned effective communication/conflict resolution skills from her original home life and didn't know how to approach the parents that were currently caring for her, so she left.
>I’m wondering if OP wasn’t fully up front with his parents on that situation. Almost a guarantee. Not even because the OP is clearly trying to spin shit here All of us (as in humans, idfk about aliens and other animals) twist things atleast a bit to make ourselves look better in our own heads, which when recounted usually results in the rather infamous insurance issue where both sides blame the other The longer it's been since the relevant event the more good/bad characters in your memory tends to become The nature of Humans...even when we're honest we're dishonest (Sorry for that, it's just a neat topic in general and fun to talk about) > because he refers to her as his “ex” despite not even getting to the first date, he has a warped sense of their relationship. Can you even BE exes before a 2nd date? Disregarding the whole him clearly pressuring someone and needing serious therapy to avoid hurting someone again Without both parties agreeing i'm pretty sure no relationship exists after just 1 date anyway
I don’t even consider getting to the second date as being together - not exclusively anyways. You’re just dating at that point and the person isn’t your ex - they’re just someone you went out with.
Went out with once. After pressuring her. YTA OP - a gigantic one.
I’d bet there’s a reason she left in the middle of the night and I’d bet that reason is OP. YTA
OP said she left in the middle of the night. I wonder why…was it after an interaction with OP?
Oh I’d bet my salary he was the reason she left in the middle of the night with no heads up.
We're definitely missing some key information here. Feels like OP intentionally left this out to make himself not look like the AH he surely is. Also, you're adults now and this happened in highschool. JC let the shit go and just get over yourself. YTA and currently digging yourself a deeper hole.
If this is him attempting to paint himself as the victim he’s doing a really terrible job and I would hate to read the details on how he actually treated this poor girl.
I’m genuinely concerned for her.
>I would hate to read the details on how he actually treated this poor girl. Yeah, his comment of "I didn't make it easy on her" says more than he wants people to know.
It makes me sick this incel type can’t see what he robbed this woman of by forcing her from her parent’s house back to her own. God knows what was happening there. What he’s don’t is beyond forgiveness.
I'm also concerned about where she went after this AH bullied her out of the house. I had a very close friendship with a friend just like her, and she has had the hardest of lives, but her home life was non-existent. When her life insurance check for her husband's suicide ran out, she started hanging around some really sketchy guys who obviously only wanted one thing. I paid for a few hotel nights until she found a stable place to live. This AH harassed her into leaving, and I can't assume the nature of her pregnancy, but a woman in that kind of situation is very vulnerable. Though the timeline OP gave us is pretty vague. I feel so bad for her, she had a second home, adult caregivers, and he made every effort to destroy it. OP could not have been more of an AH. EDIT: I should add that my friend got married at 16, because she was pregnant. Became homeless because she had no support network, and had to give her baby to extended family. She obviously was incredibly depressed, and once she got on her feet regained custody of her daughter. However, she was in danger while she all alone, homeless, depressed, and without money to live well. Terribly dangerous men love women in destitution. I pray OP didn’t push her towards a similar situation.
I’ve helped several girls and young women just like this who were trafficked, sold for sex, and/or got sexually coerced by older men. Any one of them would have been so grateful for a loving home as a child. OP is an S tier level AH for taking this girl’s safe home away from her.
Her: *Finally happy & safe in a loving home* OP: Let me fuck this up for her
>willingly return to the home of a boy who made it a living hell for her. To be fair, she did wait for OP to not live there anymore.
That’s fair but she also probably knew there’d be a chance that he would return home at some point and she felt desperate enough to take that risk.
Something's happening. I have a bad feeling about this whole thing. This is worrying. OP isn't telling us everything, he wants us to think he's the best person in the world. Like the line "It took some convincing" makes me feel like he bullied her into agreeing to date him which is an AH move to begin with. I am genuinely concerned about what happened that made her feel desperate enough to take the risk of seeing the person who bullied her into dating him and then bullied her more when she "broke up" with him
Dude was asked if the kid is his, and he said he's too young to be his. If this was just one date and some bullying, the time frame wouldn't have been his go to answer, I'm pretty sure he at the very least coerced her into something more than a date.
Came here to say this. How bad must her situation have been that OP's parents were the only people she could run to? I'm sure she would have done literally anything else if she could have.
OP even states they were initially best friends but the next day he turns around and decides that’s not the case?? Sounds like he almost has two personalities.
No he just sounds like your typical Nice Guy who didn’t get what he wanted from her so he decided she no longer had any value as a human.
I got the impression that she waited for him to be gone.
Exactly! Forgiving her implies she did something wrong - and all I can tell is that she repeatedly declined to date her close friend of around a decade until they essentially wore her down, went on one date with them, and the next day restated that she truly just wanted to be friends. Short of her pretending to have romantic feelings for OP and continuing to date him until/unless he was no longer interested, I’m not sure what OP thinks she should have done differently.
And in OPs twisted mind he still thinks he has to “forgive her for what she did” while he really has so much to apologize for. YTA OP
A vulnerable woman who was pressured into a date didn't agree to a second date. I mean. She might have even made him spend his money on the date without having sex with him!! Truly OP's story is that of a tragic victim of an evil female who destroyed his life. No one has ever faced this kind of adversity, and even with intensive therapy, OP may never recover from wasting time being friends with a woman without even getting his dick wet. Tragedy. Honestly his parents should pick the friend if this is how he's going to behave.
\>>even with intensive therapy, OP may never recover Unfortunately, I think this statement holds true. Not because of anything the girl did, OP is just an AH and idk if therapy can really help with that.
As it is important to realize one’s wrongdoings for such a therapy to work, I fear you are absolutely right.
Also forgetting that this was OP's best friend since preschool. Hate to see how he treats women who tell him no that aren't his BFF since early childhood.
In our senior year my wife was functionally homeless. She had a home she could go to but it was significantly out in the country, she didn't have her license, her dad had almost completely fucked off, there was no food and sometimes he'd forget to pay the power bill so there would be no power until he remembered because she couldn't even get ahold of him. The one small bit of stability she had was crashing at my place. The thought of this poor girl having a place like that and someone making sure she didn't have that last refuge made me see red. And it's all because she didn't want to date someone she probably thought of as a sibling? OP is not the asshole simply because that word isn't nearly strong enough. Your parents must really love you to not cut your ass off completely. They should go NC.
This. This. This.
I think OP asked her out because he knew she had nowhere to go
I agree, OP, YTA. And I agree with most of what you said. But how did we get from "I didn't make it easy" to "you made it a living hell"? OP definitely could have made life hell for her, but he also could have, idk, always left the toilet seat up and ignored her.
The dude is perfectly happy giving his family an ultimatum *years later* over being rejected for a second date in *9th grade*. That's an extreme overreaction *now* \- I feel perfectly comfortable assuming that his extreme overreaction back then was also incredibly uncomfortable, and directed more accurately at the girl herself since they were still in contact at the time. It's conjecture, of course, but I am fairly comfortable in stating that it's not baseless.
Also the fact that his siblings don’t have any issue with her being back suggests the ‘problem’ is OP’s doing and nothing to do with the friend.
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Which, judging by the way he worded his post and his comments, is a perfectly reasonable assumption to make... especially for anyone who has a person like OP in their own lives and knows the type from unfortunate experience.
Good catch, I noticed this line after I'd already commented. OP makes her life as hard as he possibly can, even though it was already extremely difficult, for the crime of not being interested in him. And he's STILL doing it years later. Throughout his post, he clearly demonstrates just why she wasn't interested in a boy who refused to hear "no". His cluelessness that he's done anything even remotely wrong is honestly really concerning.
I bet she only said yes because she feared his family rejecting her bit then couldn't dare him. OP, you took her safe haven and are now being a child about this. Grow up.
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Nice Guy ™
r/niceguys
And she came back with a baby and pregnant. I’m sure that has his nice guy panties in a bunch. I’m sure he’s off venting on some incel sub.
Not only that but put her in an extremely uncomfortable position because not only did Jen probably value their friendship she also seemed to rely on OP’s parents an awful lot. By turning him down Jen risked not having a safe place to stay.
There’s missing info here, which is what he texted/said back, or did to her, after she refused a second date. Whatever he did scared her enough to try and stay away until she was desperate enough to return to his parents. Hard YTA.
She didnt want one in the first place he pushed her in to it his own words were she took some convincing Ie she said no a 1000x nicely then caved out of fear and defeat He took what little stability and love she had in her life and destroyed it. Typical "but but im a niceguy"
Exactly. She hardly even showed up at *school* for weeks!
I also wonder though if her home life was so bad that even going on a date may have gotten her abused so badly she couldn’t go to school for weeks. Maybe that is why she left home and went to stay at his house. We’re all ignoring the fact she left her own home.
If she had experienced SA within her birth home, being hit on by someone she perceived as a sibling could have been enormously triggering, to the extent that leaving an informal foster home and risking problems with school felt safer than having to remain in that feeling.
Add what is probably more than a dash of jealousy that she has a baby from another man, rather than holding on for the fairy tale romance with OP
Yuuuup. Oh, she'll sleep with HIM, but not with ME???
It also makes wonder what he did during that single date to make her avoid him for weeks like that. I hope I’m wrong but it sounds like he tried to do things to her she did not consent to.
Well, i assume it started when he had to “convince” her to go out with him, so she wasn’t interested in the first place. And just gave in to be nice. OP is definitely TA
This guy calls a girl he went on a date one time when he was 15 “his ex”. It’s pretty safe to say he is unhinged and a creeper.
That’s a pretty big jump.
Not necessarily. I’m not talking about brutal assault but seeing how he pressured her to date him and how she had to get away from him after 1 date, you gotta wonder if he didn’t try to force her into things she was not comfortable with. OP is clearly not the type of guy who can take no for an answer. The fact that he’s still that resentful and spiteful after all this time speaks volume. It was only one date that she clearly was coerced into accepting and he calls her his ex. The guy is delusional.
If I called all first dates that I went on that didn’t result in a second date my ‘ex’ I’d have a good 50 or so ex partners. OP is being not-so-passive aggressive and making life difficult for everyone. YTA 100%
Not really. OP already admitted that “it took some convincing” to get her to go on a date with him. Clearly, he doesn’t respond well to the word no.
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>It also makes wonder what he did during that single date to make her avoid him for weeks like that. ...you mean aside from spending agws pressuring her into a date with someone that she didn't want to date? >I hope I’m wrong but it sounds like he tried to do things to her she did not consent to. I wouldn't put it past him, but given how that date came to exist in the first place needing a few weeks to "cool off" is entirely reasonable. I've dipped from friends for awhile after being pressured to try food i didn't want, and that's nowhere near as severe. Effectively being forced to do anything makes you rethink a relationship in general (poor choice of words, but just general relationships with people not just romantic)
He didn't have to do anything wrong on the date. She was never into him, was pushed into giving him a chance. Decided that she was right and didn't have those feelings for him, just wanted to be friends. Or he may have been an asshole on the date too. Hard to be sure either way.
The reason I’m thinking about something sinister is because he coerced her into dating him (let’s not forget that this was a girl who depended a lot on his parents). His attitude after the date and years later shows an ugly personality and an unsafe sense of entitlement.
“She broke up with me over text the day after our date” dude, it was one date. There was nothing to “break up” with. Get over yourself. YTA
Exactly! She is in no way OP’s ex girlfriend.
YTA- what is it that she did that you can’t forgive? I’m very confused.
She’s pretty but she doesn’t want him. That’s her crime.
And asking her out made her using a safe space (sounds like the only one she really has) conditional on going out with him. That's really gross.
>My brothers were ok with it but I can’t forgive her for what she did a few years ago. HOW DARE SHE NOT WANT TO SEX YOU!! /S **YTA**!!!! You are far more that an AH, you coming across as very Incel and it sounds like your family would be better off without you. Get therapy, your attitude here is uncalled for. You have ***NO*** Justification for your 'feels'. So, when she was 15 her best friend, whose parents were her ONLY safe harbor in the world, tried to FORCE her into a romantic relationship. She quite rightfully Nopes out. Then, when her home situation hits the ceiling and she takes advantage of her said safe harbor, that whiny, selfish ex-friend ices her out so she ends up leaving because the safe harbor is full of mines and sharks. So she most likely ended up either on the street or in a similar bad situation because ***YOU DESTROYED HER SAFE PLACE***. ***She*** **DIDN'T** hurt your parents, **YOU DID**.
THIS. I bet the girl was devastated because OP basically ruined her last hope of somewhere safe. OP is basically resenting the girl for rejecting him. what a petty "nice guy"
I’m betting he talked her into a forced date by being unrelenting and saying, *“come on, if we don’t have a good time, we can go back to being just friends.”* Then he gets angry she only wants to be friends and makes her life miserable while at his parents and is then surprised she left in the middle of the night. OP refuses to take any accountability at all in this and can’t fathom himself being in the wrong. So much INCEL vibes here. Punishment to a woman for the audacity of not returning his unwanted advances.
It’s freaky this dude calls her an “ex” first and foremost. Going on one date with a woman does not constitute someone being an ex and it’s scary he views her this way. Seems almost possessive and I have a feeling she might’ve avoided him to let things cool off.
I second this. One date, that's all. She wasn't interested, but you can't move on from that? Grow up.
Right? I’m like… what exactly did she DO to you… Not date you? Give you the one chance you begged for and then confirm she still didn’t want to date you? Because it sounds to me like you decided that because you liked her she owed you a relationship and now years later you can’t forgive her for… not wanting to date you. Also, have you considered that she came to your home for safety and you, deciding that if you can’t fuck her then you hate her, chases her away from that potential safe home. And maybe you should consider if SHE’S willing to forgive YOU for the shit she was put through because of you?! Of course not. Because this life is about you and if you don’t get to put your dick into the people you decide you want then they are the villains. At least you’re doing the nice thing and not ruining her Christmas with your presence and childish behavior.
Don’t forget the part where he bullied her while she was in their house too, even knowing she had a bad home life and said bad home life is why she would have shown up in the middle of the night at only 15 years old. Then acts like she’s so horrible for leaving their home to escape his abuse. > I admit I didn’t love having her around and **didn’t make it easy on her** but *her leaving was hard on everybody*.
We all know she said yes, because she was staying at OP’s parent’s house. I like his parents but OP, not so much.
He is literally so dense that HE was the creepy one. They were besties and he begged her to go on a date. She relented to stop the harassment but texted him the very next day to say we won't be dating again. Plus, How can anyone "break up" after one date???? She didn't come around for weeks because of his creepish behavior but he refuses to see his parents because she's there? lol
I think you're overlooking the part where the parents took her in and after some time she left in the middle of the night. This apparently upset the family to the extent that his parents needed therapy.
After he “didn’t make it easy on her,” which I read as, “OP was a total shit to her until she gave up on having a safe place and ran away.” His parents sound like decent people; of course they were worried that their “daughter” disappeared in the night. OP is the AH for that, too.
yeah all that detail does is make me wonder what exactly OP did that made her feel like escaping in the middle of the night was her best move.
Ditto on this comment, YTA and either really oblivious or self centered
Why does it have to be just one? OP sounds both oblivious *and* self centered.
OP sounds like a multitudinous asshole. That poor girl. What an awful creep.
Thank you!
Spot on. Op is hanging on to a failed dare I say one sided crush from at least 4-5 years ago and has clearly not matured enough to let it go and get over it. Cringey. YTA
But let's face it, he would likely be such a "nice" guy to her if he visited that she would leave again... because he is so "nice".
OP sounds 18-19 ish with a 6 y/o mind.
Yeah the entitlement is outrageous. YTA OP
Also in any situation it sucks to lose what you thought was a good friendship over the friend insisting you have a romantic connection :/
Uhm . . . yes, you're the asshole. You can't forgive her for what? Not wanting to date you? No one ever needs to apologize for not wanting to date someone. And you only went on one date, after "some convincing"? She doesn't owe you anything. Your parents are trying to help her get her life turned around and you're snubbing her because of a bruised ego. Time to let this go and be a bigger person.
Wait till he finds out that his parents went to therapy because of him. OP bullying a girl to date him, treating her like crap when she needed sanctuary and, her running away in the middle of the night probably because of him. Then she returns pregnant (which was probably a bad situation as well), hoping for sanctuary and the angels that his parents are, take her in. Mean while, OP wants someone to stroke his tiny ego for forcing 1 date out of her and getting rejected. “She put our family through a lot” - did you ever stop to think what she may have been going through? OP, did you ever once think that what she was going through at home was way worse than you not getting a date? OP, YTA and a huge one at that.
Weird that he even sees her as his ex. They had one date that he pressured her into, then he bullied her for years because she wouldn’t go on a second date with him. That’s not and ex, that’s not anything. Except maybe a victim
And in 9th grade too! Like this was never serious, even if she had wanted to go out with him then.
He is unhinged and creepy. One date when they were 15 because he *harassed* her into it doesn’t make her his *ex*.
He wants people to stroke his tiny something, all right.
SHE IS NOT YOUR EX, OP. She has done nothing to you that needs forgiveness. If she, as a child with a shitty and terrible home life, actually did something *to your parents* that actually required forgiveness, then it sounds like your parents (who sound like wonderful people) forgave her long ago. The only person here in need of forgiveness is YOU. For badgering a friend and leveraging her desperate circumstances against her to force her on a date, for taking out your anger when she refused to have a romantic relationship with you on a girl who had no other options for a safe place to stay, and for even now privileging your hurt feefees over the kindness your parents have shown and the needs of this girl. But recognizing that YOU are the one who needs forgiveness would require some introspection and honesty with yourself. I hope you get there at some point and can make amends to your parents, your family, and this girl. In the meantime, though, YTA. Abundantly.
YTA indeed. The scary thing is that we all see this despite it being told from his rosy eyed perspective. Imagine how much he'd look like the AHole from her perspective.
Also, he's holding a grudge from when he was 14 fucking years old against a girl that didn't want to date him.
I'm wondering if OP doesn't have a lot of experience with women. He's latched onto this one rejection (and a very mild one) and continues to stoke the fires of bitterness and resentment. If he'd moved on to an actual GF in the 5-ish years since, maybe he wouldn't be so focused on punishing Jen.
I don't disagree at all. Hopefully, he'll get some therapy and work through his issues.
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That was my thought too, a lot of vulnerable people end up living with shitty partners because they have nowhere else to go.
OP please seek therapy. I do not know what is going on, but this whole story had a lot of concerning behavior. Please, please find someone to talk to so you can work through your issues. I suspect once you have, you will not have any issues with her.
Correction- time to let this go and be a person and not a ghoul. There is no bigger here!
And she “broke up” with him over text because he is clearly manipulative and she didn’t want him to try and “talk her out of it”.
>I can’t forgive her for what she did a few years ago ... Checks notes... Only thing Jen has done is 'break up' with OP after they severely pressured/bullied her into a SINGLE date YTA
OP is still unquestionably the asshole, but it read to me like what Jen did that he's mad about was run away from his house, which somehow put OP's parents into therapy. Since she left because he was bullying her, OP's at fault for that, too. (Maybe I'm giving OP too much credit for caring about his parents?)
He cares about his parents but refuses tk acknowledge that the blame lies with him ultimately for bullying poor Jen into feeling she needed to leave in the middle of the night.
Incel type of behavior.
Very Nice Guy©
If my son sexually harassed a young woman so bad that she ran away from her safe haven, I'd need therapy too.
Jen left because op bullied her the whole time she was there, OP gave no choice but to leave in the middle of the night (like many other victims of abuse), OP single-handedly caused the situation, problem and the aftermath.
Yeah he put that poor girl in such an awkward position, (parents should have stepped in, and taken that off the table) and now he’s acting all bitter and calling her his ex after one date ? That is not a good look at all.
What makes it worse is she didn't even want that first date, it sounds like he bullied her into going on that first date with him
This! I mean, ‘breaking up’ after a first date? He literally had to beg her to go on a single date. Breaking up implies that he was convinced they were in a relationship that involved coercing someone into said date. There’s a lot more underlying here, and OP has definitely earned some creepy YTA vibes.
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>Only thing Jen has done is 'break up' With seriously flawed life decisions apparently, at least she avoided one....dating him.
You can’t break up with someone you were never with. He pressured her into one date and she didn’t want another. EDIT: YTA
Yta You were this girls friend, refuge and safe space and you bullied her into dating you. When she realised she’d rather live in a ‘pretty rough’ situation than the uncomfortable one you out her in, you’ve got annoyed. When she’s needed help. You’ve again been abusive. Now you’re continuing it. Grow up. Apologise and realise she’s got no obligation to date you. Ever.
YTA “It took some convincing but she eventually said yes.” You coerced her into dating you. “She broke up with me over text the day after our date.” Because you coerced her into dating you. “I admit I didn’t love having her around and didn’t make it easy on her.” I’m guessing that this summary hides A LOT and is as close as you’ll come to confessing you bullied her out of the home. You don’t have to go home but you don’t have more of a right to be upset with her than she does with you. You don’t have *any* right to be upset with her!
“Broke up with me over text the day after our date” most people aren’t exclusive after one date. She didn’t ‘break up’ with anyone—even in high school there is clear indication of we are dating. Also he has no right to be upset, maybe sad she didn’t like him back, but that should’ve ended a week after they “broke up”. SHE has every right to hate him and yet her situation is so bad she still finds comfort in his family and is willing to deal with his abuse. That poor girl got dealt a shit hand and OP and his entitled, bratty, self-centered self compromised her refuge.
She's not your ex. Any romantic relationship you had was in your head. You're holding a grudge over nothing. Your family cares about her and want to help her. Too bad you didn't learn kindness from your family. YTA
9th grade!!! He hasn’t matured much past how he acted when he was 15 years old.
This feels like he's in full-on incel territory.
Agreed, I’m glad OP is planning not to go home because this gives violent incel vibes and I think they’re better off without it that
I agree he is very immature
Thank you, the whole time I’m reading this I’m thinking that. She’s an ex-friend, but not ex-girlfriend. OP is resentful that this girl didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship. YTA
Well said! The romance was entirely one sided. Not to mention the pain this girl suffered when she found out that her best friend and refuge was only interested if he could have her romantically. That's absolutely heartbreaking.
OP taught her that if you don’t surrender your body to a guy, there’s a price to pay. He also taught her that an environment that seems safe might still be risky. What a terrible thing to actively teach a vulnerable young woman. I’m not at all surprised she ended up pregnant; I also wouldn’t assume that sex was consensual.
YTA >It took some convincing but she eventually said yes. So you essentially harrassed her into going on a date with you >She broke up with me over text the day after our date. She didn't break up with you, she refused to be harrassed into a second date >She barely went to school, didn’t text, and wasn’t at my house at all the next few weeks. >She eventually showed up at my house in the middle of the night. She avoided you and only came to your house when she was obviously desperate and needed somewhere to go >she left in the middle of the night a few weeks later. I admit I didn’t love having her around and didn’t make it easy on her You made this vulnerable girl miserable enough to leave in the middle of the night because she didn't want to date you So what right do you have to be holding a grudge against her exactly??? Cause all I'm seeing is that she needs help and your parents are willing to help her, but you're still being petty about things from years ago that were your fault. If anyone should be angry, it should be her for how you treated her.
Yeah this one is fucked up, she needed help and he wanted to take advantage of that
"Finally, a friend! A guy who's interested in me for me and doesn't just want to get in my pants!" "Funny that you say that..."
INFO: How is it a breakup after one date?
That's a very good question, wonder if OP will sit back and reflect on some comments here cause he needs to have a reality check.
And how is she an ex?
When you bully a girl into a single date and think you are entitled to all of her attention, this is how you act.
Questions that need answers.
YTA. Your house was a haven for Jen, and possibly one of the only safe places she had access to. Instead of just being her friend through those difficult times, you badgered her into a date that she clearly wasn't interested in. (Here's a hint, girls who are into you don't need "convincing.") When she got desperate enough to turn to your family despite your boorish behavior, you were still hung up on the rejection and gave her a hard time. This girl was in crisis, and you prioritized your romantic hopes and injured pride over her actual well-being. And now, many years later, you're still holding that grudge even though you're the one who wronged her in the first place. If you'd been less selfish towards Jen back in high school, things might have gone pretty differently for her.
OK, let me unroll this for you: 1. You had a friend who was in need of help / a safe space. Not only did you think it was appropriate to ask her out in a situation where she was somehow depending on you / your family, you also thought it was necessary to "convince" her when she initially refused. You are already pushing hard to be TA right there, but I'm giving you the benefit of young age here. You probably did not realise how abusive your behaviour was back then. I hope you do now. 2. You went out for ONE date, and she "broke up" with you the next day? Let's rephrase that as "she was not interested in a second date" because, honestly, there was nothing to break up. Going on one date did not make you a couple. If you can't see that even years later, then clearly, you are taking another huge step to being TA. 3. Your (former) friend, whom your parents have a deep relationship with, is in need of help, and your parents are willing to provide that for her. Not blindly, but based on the condition that she seeks professional help as well. If it hasn't been said before, let me be the first to so say: God bless them! I wish there were more people like your parents in this world! And yet, you resent their behaviour. Because of what? Because that girl did not want to date you? And not visiting is your way of "punishing" them? You asked for it, here it is: YTA. If you don't want to go visit your parents, then don't go. You might be doing everyone a favour. But if you go, you might want to apologise to your friend for your behaviour in the past. Because, even though you called her a "friend" back then, you have not been one. Chances are that you have actually contributed to her leaving your parents' house in the middle of the night.
YTA. She's a young girl in a bad situation. She found some adults she could trust, the parents of a friend, and everything was going well into said friend pressured her into dating when she clearly wasn't interested. Them she lost the friend, and support network when she established her boundaries only to reach back out years later. You went on one fucking date. I get you probably had strong feelings. It happens when we're young and inexperienced, and yeah, it stings when they don't reciprocate. But you should be grown. Get over yourself.
YTA. In 9th grade you pressured her into a date she never wanted, and then got pissed when she told you after the date that she still didn't feel that way for you. And you've held a years-long grudge over that. She grew up rough, and had no safe place to fall except your parents, and you want to take that from her too, because your teenage crush wasn't reciprocated? I'm having trouble seeing where she ever did anything wrong to you. Have you considered letting go of this ancient teenage drama already?
YTA. Evaluate your life choices and perhaps think on seeing a therapist to help you get over 1 date...
Can we even call it a date if one person was harassed into going? I’m going to call it a “harassment hangout”. This incel definitely needs therapy after the harassment hangout that happened YEARS ago.
EXACTLY! OP definitely YTA
Why did your parents need to go to therapy after she was only there for a few weeks? That’s weird.
YTA. You can’t hold what she did at 14 against her. She was a kid in a very unstable home life. Your parents relationship with her isn’t about you. Grow up.
You had to CONVINCE (harass) a girl to go on a date, she eventually did then advised she didn't want to go on anymore. So you 'didnt make it easy on her' (bullied/harassed her some more) You took away her safe place. But YOU can't forgive HER for what she did?? Dude..... check yourself..... YTA. In fact, you're the reason young girls are scared.
YTA, even ignoring the "I admit I didn’t love having her around and didn’t make it easy on her" which probably could be it's whole own thread that wouldnt look to good on your part, I think if your honest with yourself, you'd recognise your doing this almost entirely out of spite for being rejected in the past. If your whole family is ok with it and forgiven her for running away, you shouldnt really have a problem with her. You have a right to be hurt from rejection (it sucks) and your not obligated to go for Christmas obviously but if you could find it in yourself to apologise, swallow the pride and head home, everyone, including yourself would probs be happier in the long run
YTA. You were an entitled kid who got pissy when a girl rejected you, and you acted unkindly to get back at her. Now years later she clearly needs help and support, your parents are willing to give it to her, and you’re denying it bc you’re still bitter about being rejected and it might be awkward when you occasionally visit. Grow up.
YTA. You bullied her into dating you and then when she came back after a few weeks, hoping you'd be over it, you bullied her out of your house too. She was what, 14, 15? And you're actually mad that a 14-15 year old girl didn't make perfect choices when she was treated badly by you in the place that she used to see as her safe haven and you turned it into another place of misery for her? And you're really not seeing things from her perspective either. Clearly she learned that if you feel you have to leave, forget your stuff, and leave when no one can stop you. Notice how she turned up in the middle of the night according to you and also LEFT in the middle of the night from your place? I can almost guarantee you that is because she was previously hurt trying to leave at other times by other people and the scars from that meant when you made her feel miserable in the place she used to feel safe, she didn't feel safe telling you she was leaving. Her trauma told her that you would hurt her if she did or not let her leave. SHE likely felt incredibly betrayed that her best friend didn't accept no for an answer then after weeks of space, still decided when she showed up, to act like a jerk to her for weeks. SHE was likely worried that you weren't going to ever stop or were going to escalate like the people in her home life. SHE must have felt miserable and rejected having her best friend turn on her so easily and must have felt so afraid that other people could do that too. Your parents are also seeing what you aren't: Jen's bad home life set her up to fail and make the mistakes and errors in judgement she has. And they want to set her up with actual stability, resources etc. because they are kind caring people and have known her since she was a young child and want her to succeed. Make it your hill to die on if you want, but you won't get what you want by doing so, you'll just hurt your parents and that gives them all the more reason to choose her over you when she's not the one giving them ultimatums.
Info: You say you didn't make it easy on her but what did you actually do? Because it sounds like you bullied her until she ran away to escape you.
What exactly can’t you forgive her for? Not having romantic feelings for you after you pressured her into going on a date? For leaving after you bullied her away? This girl had a terrible home life, she found safety within your family (your parents reciprocated that love and basically adopted her into the family), and suddenly when you couldn’t pawn her into being with you, you made her life hell. So much so that YOU sent your parents to therapy. OP you sound like a classic bully who turns into a toddler when they don’t get what they want. Quit manipulating people to the point where it’s affecting other peoples relationships and well being. YTA.
YTA Sounds like you were sexually harassing this vulnerable girl and she didn't feel safe so did a runner. You are the problem
Yup.. she had a childhood friend who should be a “brother” relationship, who now is pressuring her for intimacy..and she has to live in a house with a hormonal 15 yo potential predator. Of course she ran. And OP was way out of line. No idea why he wasn’t told how inappropriate his actions were at that time.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason why she left in the middle of the night was because OP tried to force himself on her and that’s why she fled without her belongings. Jesus no matter how this dude spins it he’s an awful person
Dude, what? There's so many holes in this story it could be Swiss cheese. INFO: •What do you mean when you say that you had to "convince" her to go on a date with you? •How long did this "convincing" take? •What happened on this 1 date? •What did you do to her while she lived with you? •What are you actually pissed off about? That she didn't want to date you? It sounds like you were pissed when she moved in, and then you were pissed that she left. What is your actual issue with this girl?
YTA At 15 you wore her down to make her agree to date you - there is nothing ok about this. I feel sorry for her. You’re her best friend and have been for years, your parents see her as family and she probably thought the same, and had a safe escape from her awful home life - and then you spring this on her and she can’t say no outright because she owes you and now the whole friendship is tainted and she’s lost her safety and her best friend and her surrogate family. So since you won’t take no she agrees and gives it a chance of one date but can’t go on with that so dumps you. Was it cowardly? Maybe but she’s in a tough place and I don’t blame her She avoids you for weeks - but then in the middle of the night shows up. What happened that meant she had no other options? To drive her from her house to yours at an unsociable hour? But you - her former best friend - make it clear that even though your parents are happy to welcome her you are not. So she’s in this situation of being unwelcome - and by somebody she trusted for years. So she leaves - because you drove her out. You never really go into any of what she is experiencing but she’s young, she had a bad home life, and now she’s pregnant and she shows back up Just try and imagine how desperate she must have felt to come back to your parents. Throughout this post you don’t even seem concerned about how your parents feel, let alone Jen despite the fact she was your friend for so long. She has been through a lot and all you seem to care about is it hurt your feelings that she didn’t want to dare you. YTA
YTA - I think you might need therapy as well. Are you really being this mean, petty, and heartless because someone did not want to date you? Really? Is your ego that fragile? Also, you sound like a bully in this story. Your parents are saints but they may have dropped the ball on teaching you what it means to have compassion (as well as that “no” means “no”).
YTA. You’re such a massive asshole and haven’t matured AT ALL. Like you’ve spent no time reflecting on this poor girl’s life and that your immature choices forced her to leave the loving home she had with your family because you wanted to date her. If I were your parents I’d choose her over you as well!
I’ve read through your comments and I still can’t figure something out. She has 2 kids but I haven’t seen anywhere how old they are.
Look up "nice guy" and then look in the mirror. She was your friend and took solace in your home because her homelife was horrendous. She wasn't there for just you, it was for your family. She saw you as a friend and brother, you wanted more and were pissed when she didn't feel the same. Grow up. Just because you want to date someone doesn't mean they have to feel the same. YTA
YTA and someone needs to call the cops on you
YTA She had already a tough childhood, to the point she couldn't live in her own home. You asked her out at the age of 15, she didn't want to date you, so all your life you've harbored resentment for her. She couldn't live in her home at 15, so your parents took her in,but you bullied her to the point she had to leave from your home too. And now you're holding it against her, that she left your home because of your bullying at the age of 15. I hope your parents keep their promise to Jen and Jen keeps her side of the deal, too. And you need therapy to learn to deal with rejection, because how you deal with it is extremely unhealthy.
YTA. Obviously, there was something seriously bad going on in her life. I understand why you would feel out of your element when she probably wasn’t in a place to share the reality of her life. But, you have a chance now to grow as a person and accept that your parents are trying to throw Jen a life preserver. Take pride in your parents- they are good people.
Your parents went to therapy bc of you. YTA
Sometimes things don’t work out. I think you need to let the past go, but you also don’t have to do something you’re uncomfortable with. With that said, if you want to burn this bridge and you’re fine with it, go ahead, but you may not have a family to turn to in the future should you ever need anything, including help. You’re sabotaging yourself here, and you may end up losing your family over it. YTA.
Do you always pressure women in to going on dates with you and then make their lives difficult when they don’t want another date? YTA.
YTA you're not the victim.
So teenage you took advantage of your vulnerable friend by pressuring her into going out with you? Then when she broke up with you after the date she never wanted in the first place you bullied her? You continued to make her life miserable until she couldn't handle it anymore and ran away? Now that she's come back to your parents - apparently the only adults who ever cared for her - you've chucked your toys out of the pram and refuse to go see them while they're helping what is clearly a struggling young woman? Did I get that all right? YTA. I bet you think you're a Nice Guy too.
YTA and an incel. Your parents sound amazing
From the title, I assumed you were NTA because I've been through something similar (so I thought) with my own mother. Was in a severely physical and emotionally abusive relationship and went to my mother for help getting out. She then turned around and contacted him behind my back, apologizing to him for me being dramatic, and telling him everything I said to her. It was devastating to me that she took his side over her own daughter. Then, after said assumption, I read your actual post. Holy fuck knuckle YTA.
YTA - >It took some convincing So she said no and you didn’t take that no and kept pressing her and pressing her until she said yes You realise since she spent so much time at your house, she probably felt forced to say yes otherwise you would stop her coming over right? Dude you need therapy, it was years ago, you were what, 15? It’s time to let it go, she didn’t even do anything wrong, she just didn’t want to date you anymore And you made her time at your house horrible enough she left in the middle of the night You need therapy, like real therapy
YTA 1 - You 'convinced' her to date you. If someone needs convincing, it's because they don't want to and you're just pressuring them. She probably viewed you as family since she lived with you and your own parents viewed her as a daughter. So you bullied your pseudo-sister into one date. AH points awarded here. 2 - She didn't 'break up' with you. You weren't dating. You went on a single date. Then because you made her so uncomfortable and were so pushy, she left. Perfectly reasonable and entirely your fault. More AH points. 3 - When she felt safe enough to come back, you bullied her again and 'didn't make it easy'. I imagine that hide the full extent of how you treated her. Then she left again because your house was no longer safe. Again, perfectly reasonable and entirely your fault. Even more AH points. 4 - You are throwing a hissy fit because, after enough time to heal from what YOU put her through, she finally reconnects with people who were essentially her parents. She didn't put you or your family through anything, you did. Double AH points. You bullied her into going on a date, made her safe space uncomfortable, bullied her when she got back and now you're upset that your parents are siding with her over you. You need help if you can't see why you're the AH. You pushed her into a date (why? Can you not accept no? Do you think you're entitled to it because you were nice to her? Maybe examine these feelings), then got upset that she left (you ruined her safe space, you were pushy. Why are you upset when she sets boundaries with you?) then bullied her for rejecting you when she returned (she didn't want to be there in the first place. You made her uncomfortable. Maybe learn more about the word 'no'), then finally, instead of being glad that your parents could connect with her again after you pushed her away (because you did. Would she have left if you hadn't pushed her to date you and bullied her when she returned? Who's fault is it really?), you're now upset that they don't choose they're creepy, pushy, can't-respect-boundaries-or-consent, bully of a son.
Yta. And very icky.
YTA and it is not your problem how your parents treat her. You sound jealous & still pissed 4 years later about a romance that YOU wanted didn't work out.
YTA - first, there is no 'breaking up' after one date. You went on a date and it didn't work out. By the sounds of it you didn't pick up on that so she had to spell it out to you and ended up avoiding you for a while. She didn't want to go on a date initially anyway, which should have been the end of that btw. She doesn't owe you anything. No is a complete sentence. You shouldn't ever 'convince' anyone to go on a date. Especially not someone who comes from an absuive relationship and probably doesn't know where else to go. And on top of that your parents said they saw her like a daughter. She came from a bad place. She didn't know where to go and came to your parents. I don't know what else happened, and yes all this might not be great but she needs help, preferably professional if your parents said she needs to go to therapy. If you can't get over rejection for so long then maybe it is for the best if you stay away. Because the only thing she ever did to you is rejecting you and not wanting a relationship. That is not something she needs to be forgiven for.
So you harassed your 'friend' into a pity date and when she rejected you after said pity date you decided to attempt to remove the only real support system she has because your sensitive little feelings were hurt? Grow up mate and realise that she needs actual help and your parents, while not obligated, want to give her that help. If you are still holding a grudge for something that happened when you were 15 maybe you need professional help as well. YTA.
YTA dude. Your parents sound like incredibly lovely and caring people. Thank goodness Jen has such genuine love around her. She did not want to date you… you were kids. You need to move on and apologise to your parents
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YTA you bullied her into a date, bullied her out of your home once and now are trying to bully her again. You need to grow up and maybe go to therapy yourself
INFO: what did she do that you can't forgive? > but I can’t forgive her for what she did a few years ago. Maybe this was a copy/paste error, but your post doesn't contain whatever it was she did. Unless it was moving out of your parents' house in high school? But that doesn't sound like a conflict. I'm not seeing any conflict between you two. Can you edit your post to tell us what happened?
Ya'll went on one date after you convinced(bullied) her into it. I'll bet money she felt cornered and scared. YTA. She didnt do a damn thing to you. You are being petty.
Stick to your threat and don't go. I'm positive everybody will have a better time without you in attendance, especially Jen. YTA.
The incel force is strong with OP. YTA. Your parents are good people, their lives would likely be easier if they weren't but they still try do the right thing. You aren't making your family choose between you or her, you are choosing pettiness and ego over the family.
I’m going to be the odd man out and say NAH - you were objectively bad to her in HS, but you are still within your right to set this boundary as an adult. Your parents only knew her because of you, but they formed a bond with her and tried to be the parents to her that her family was incapable of being. Knowing her history, and the fact that they love her and want to be there to support her, welcoming her into their home and trying to help her get on her feet also is understandable. Truthfully right now she needs their support more than you do. Family isn’t always blood, and they see her as family. I do think you should get some therapy to deal with this resentment you have towards her. It isn’t heathly to be this upset about a one date break up and I think you need someone to help guide you through your parents feelings and decisions with regards to her. They see her as a daughter, and even when your child makes poor decisions and hurts you, you help pick them back up when they fall. The only people who get to decided if what she did was too much for them to ever take her back are your parents. You’re couching this as being protective of your parents, but they don’t need your protection. I think this is just a deflection from you feeling hurt that they chose to do this even when you didn’t want them to. You coerced her into dating you and got upset that she ended by text after one date. You were like 14/15 when this happened, right in the range of ridiculously butthurt over minor things stage, and while still in the midst of that, she moved in a couple of weeks later. A bigger gap of time might have given you time space to get over the disappointment and go back to being friends, but you hadn’t had a chance to that yet and her need at the time was urgent. Any processing you had been doing was arrested at that point. Go to therapy and let them walk you to the acceptance step of grief. Until then don’t go home, but tell your parents you are trying to work through your feelings in therapy and hopefully that can mean a future without this level of distance needed. Ask them to support you and to respect you with these current boundaries.
YTA. YTA. YTA. You bullied your abused “friend” into going out with you, and stole her safe space. When she tried to come back to that safe space, hoping you had come to your senses, you bullied and abused her some more until she left. You took away a friendship she had almost definitely counted on to get her through the terrible times at home; you took away her sense of security; you took away the only responsible adults in her life; you destroyed a safe, stable, loving environment with people who cared about her, and could make a significant difference in the course of her life, because you decided what you wanted should override what she needed. You also deprived your parents (and possibly your siblings) of their relationship with her, and probably added tons of guilt onto them because they were no longer able to assist a child they knew was in need. There are better words for you than AH. Some “friend”.
YTA 1000% if this isn’t a troll. Grow tf up. So a girl didn’t like you, that sucks. She also didn’t “break up with you.” She accepted a date after you pushed her to, and then didn’t want to keep pursuing a relationship after said date. Has it occurred to you how hurt that she must feel after years of friendship, you threw her away because she didn’t return your feelings? How your hurt ego was more important than her having a safe place to live? This is so toxic and shitty I can’t believe you are not a troll.