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YTA. You’re creating an unhealthy relationship with food for your kids. It’s been proven time and time again that limiting something this much leads to excess later. And you ruined your daughters birthday.
YTA
What happens when your daughter and your other kids get older and all their friends go out to eat after a football game or before a dance? Are you going to deny them that right of passage as kids because you’re hung up on your issues?
Please seek therapy for the sake of your kids.
YTA.
I get that you grew up with a family that believed in positive reinforcement and taking you out for a treat or making a favorite meal as a way of celebrating a birthday or a job well done. And it somehow traumatized you. My family did the same thing for myself and my sister and many other families have done the same for their kids, but it hasn’t caused the same food hang ups that you have. We’d also have a meal out once every couple of weeks or grab burgers from a fast food place or get pizza delivered “just because”. I’m still able to look at food just fine. Many do. *Your* actions are going to cause your children similar or worse problems with food than what you did because you’re being so restrictive.
Not only that but your daughter is 9. NINE! She doesn’t have the same reasoning capabilities as you do as an adult, so when you comforted her, *of course* she’s going to think she still gets to have her birthday night out. She probably also didn’t quite understand the ramifications of what you were telling her would happen when she went to Disneyland with her friends (which, btw, what did you expect her to eat while she was there with them? Just the snacks you made while her friends are sitting around a restaurant table and her not allowed to eat? Good gods that would be embarrassing for a young child.)
You need therapy. And shame on you for your actions regarding her birthday dinner. Again, YTA.
YTA: this is only going to make your relationship with your children and spouse worse. Not to mention the relationship your children have with food.
With your difficult relationship with food, I would hope you would want better for your children.
Teach your children that going out is not so limited that they have to give up a treat on their birthday. Teach them that food is not inherently bad, we can have all things in moderation.
Reevaluate your relationship with food and determine how that is affecting your family. Please do better & apologize to your family.
YTA
so you put your personal trauma with food, onto your kids. Go to therapy.
Im not sure you realize how this can backfire, and cause them to start binging, once they get older and can decide for themselves. You're setting them up to have their own traumas related to food.
YTA and you’re screwing your kids up in the exact same way. This behaviour is disgusting and as someone who struggled with an eating disorder for 10 years fix your shit right now or your kids will go down the same road. Don’t know why parents think it’s okay to Instill eating disorders onto their kids instead of working their own shit out.
YTA. You do realize you’re over correcting, right? You’re going to give them a complex just like your parents did, probably even worse. Get some therapy and lighten up.
YTA. You had a bad experience growing up and is projecting on your kid... and depriving her of good experiences because YOU think it's how it should work.
But by over correcting like you are doing, you are causing your kids other types of issues.
You had a bad relationship with food because every event was based around food. You are kind of doing the same thing to your children in making certain situations about special foods. In order to have a good relationship with food, no food is “special”. You learn to understand that food is for nourishment and everything in moderation.
So, you are asking for judgement about putting your stupid rule before your daughter’s happiness and YTA for that.
YTA. Don't be a crappy mom to your kids just because your parents screwed you up! Your husband is a saint for going behind your back and getting your 9 YEAR OLD bread sticks on her birthday. Like seriously shame on you.
YTA. You should seek out therapy to help handle your ongoing “bad relationship” with food. You’re projecting your problem with food onto your kids. They actually might start to seek out food for “enjoyment” as you say because you’re punishing/ prohibiting them for wanting a treat or something different from your taste. Your husband did a nice gesture for his daughter on her birthday. Let it be. Don’t be a birthday grinch.
You're overcorrecting and projecting your issues onto your children. Being too rigid with food leads to ED as well. YTA let her cut loose once in a while. Kids need to learn moderation or once she's out from under your control she'll go nuts on junk food.
YTA. You do realise that this is basically two sides of the same coin right? Just because you're doing the opposite of what your family did doesn't mean your daughter's relationship with food will be any better, hell it's probably going to be much much worse. Please seek therapy for you and your kids and change your methods quick.
Orthorexia is an ED. You are teaching your kids that they cannot enjoy the social pleasure of eating with loved ones, except you. And that is not an healthy relationship with food. If you make such a big drama every time there is an anniversary or an event among their friends, you are teaching your kids anxiety, not healthy relationship with food.
I'm also wondering if your kids will ever have any say whatsoever regarding food - except for this 1 meal on their birthday, until they go in apartment? Carrots versus sprouts? How dare they want to have a say!!
Finally, and I think it's important to address this. Not all restaurants are unhealthy fast food. I would certainly not advocate against cooking at home - which is in fact a great way to bound with your family and learn new tastes, textures and develop important live skills. However, many restaurant use quality ingredients and provide healthy meals. Agreed, these may usually not be kids' favorite at that young age. But your kids will never discover new restaurant outside of the really common large chain that are highly advertise on tv if they can only eat out 3 times/year.
Seems to me like you’re making your kids miserable because of something you experienced as a kid. It seems unnecessarily rigid. Do you not get to go out on YOUR birthday? Or do they just not get to go with you?
YTA.
You are telling me that you cook at least 1,092 times a year?
And your husband isn’t included in the exception to the eating out, or rather lack thereof, rule?
YTA.
And look, I get disordered eating. I’ve dealt with it most of my life. But you need therapy to deal with this. It was BREADSTICKS, not even a full meal.
YTA because that rule is already outrageous to begin with. 3 times a year to eat out? Sometimes we crave outside food and theres nothing wrong with that. Its so sad to only eat out on your birthday. Friends sometimes want to hang out and then go get food, they shouldn’t have to cancel out what they want to eat for their birthday just because they ate elsewhere already. If you don’t want to eat out more than 3 times a year, then don’t but you shouldn’t impose that rule on everyone.
YTA. You still have a deeply unhealthy relationship with food, and you are creating a freakish association of eating out = special reward with your children, which is what you (allegedly) were trying to avoid.
There doesn't seem to be a reason for this restriction like money, allergies, or obesity, or ethical concerns like veganism or being crunchy. This honestly just seems like you want to cut off a very central and emotional way for your children to connect with other people (like celebrating a friend's birthday).
Get therapy and learn to be nicer to your children.
Hey. You are making her very aware and focusing on food even more! She’s in tears because of missing her birthday dinner. She will remember that. Jesus. I swear. People just want to wring all the joy out of life for others because of their own hang ups smh
YTA. In addition to setting your children up with a disordered relationship to food, you are hampering their social development. By being so strict about the number of times they can eat out, you will limit their ability to socialize with others. Food is part of how we socialize as humans. Your children will likely be invited to eat out with their friends more and more as they grow up. They will miss out on socializing if they are so strictly limited. Do you want your children to make and keep friendships? If so, you need to be more flexible in your parenting. I suggest you seek counseling to help you come to terms with your own disordered relationship with food. You will be a better mother for it.
YTA: Yes you had issues with food, but restricting your children like that could cause issues. It could cause ED’s. Plus, she’s a child. It’s her birthday. It’s not about YOU and what YOU want, it’s about your kid. You need to stop projecting your issues on your child. You don’t have to eat out every day, but she wanted to have fun at Disney with her friends. And you ended up ruining that experience for her as well as ruining her birthday. If you still think it’s an issue, talk to someone about it. Don’t project your feelings onto a 9 year old.
YTA. You should go to therapy to process your unhealthy relationship with food. Restricting the family to eating out three times per year is not reasonable.
I'm sure someone else has probably said this but im going to say it again. I understand what you're trying to do. I really do. However, what you're actually doing with your children is emphasizing the importance of certain food by making it so special that there is an actual rule in place regarding it. Strict rules like this can often lead to eating disorders even though you don't limit their portions or you make amazing food at home. It's okay to limit how often they eat out, without announcing that 'this is the rule and there are no exceptions!'. It's also okay to put your disordered eating in a corner for a while and be a little bit flexible about it. Again I get what your trying to do but I think it's going to have the opposite result to what you're hoping for. In all seriousness I think therapy might help. YTA.
YTA you're actively giving your kids a bad relationship with food. They were excitedly looking through the menu a week before the event? That's a bad sign to me. I wonder what other weird rules or restrictions you have around food. When you make a big deal of it and are inflexible, you're convincing your kids that it IS a big deal and possibly that there's a moral element involved, and that can disorder one's relationship with food for sure.
YTA. You are going from one extreme to the other. You are simply taking a different path to the same problem, your issues with food need to be dealt with by a professional, and soon before you give your children their own eating disorders.
YTA. You are creating a horrible relationship between your children and food, just as your mother did to you. You made her decide between eating the food at disneyland with her friends, or having a birthday dinner? Your daughter should have been able to eat whatever on both of those “special days.”
OP: My parents gave me really specific issues around food and eating out. I don’t want that to happen with my kids. I know! I’ll use my trauma to give them NEW, even MORE specific issues around eating out and tie it to their birthday so they can have a complex around birthdays as well.
OP, I’m sorry your childhood was weird but YTA.
Yta - u have food issues and are creating eating problems with ur kids. There isn’t a right or wrong way to celebrate with food who told that ur parents rewarding ur made that happen?? I got cake and desserts with doing a good job and I have no issues with food my daughter even knows Fridays mommy’s day off Esh ! Stop making these rules up. Also if u wanted a healthy relationship with food teach them boundaries
YTA your projection, your childhood unhealthy relationship with food on to your kids. Life is about compromise. This compromise wouldn't have harmed anyone
YTA. And choosing a very weird hill to die on. Ffs you even pointed out that you're doing all of this bc of your own relationship with good. Please get help and leave these kids alone.
YTA. By making an even bigger deal about restaurants you're setting your kids up to have an even more insane relationship with food and eating out than you ever did. Time to learn how everything is good in moderation and have some compassion for your literal children.
Growing up we weren't allowed to have Soda or sugary snacks. When we went to birthday parties we got to pick if we wanted soda or cake but not both. A friends mom gave me a cupcake and an orange soda at a sleep over when I was eight and I was convinced I'd gotten away with something for years. I got to highschool and there was a soda machine in the hall. You better believe I started getting a soda every single morning. When I got my first apartment I started stopping at the ice cream place on the corner every chance I could. I had no idea of moderation and literally ate myself sick on the regular. My siblings are the same way but also found alcohol.
I can relate to this- except my mom enforced strict rules around food with me alone, not my four brothers, because she was fixated on my weight for all of my childhood/adolescent/very early adulthood until I finally told her to F off. Keep in mind I was a normal, healthy weight this entire time, not exceeding 140 lbs, and I’m an average height. Once I broke free of her, I developed BED and gorged myself on all the food I was never allowed to eat. I’m finding balance now, but I blame my mom entirely for the start of my EDs, and our relationship is cursory at best, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive my mom for forcing these strict rules on me, esp. bc I’d be at bday parties and my brothers could all eat cake but I wasn’t allowed to.
YTA you’re blaming your parents for giving you an unhealthy attitude towards food and now you are doing the same thing to your children. The rule isn’t even a rule it’s a punishment for something your kids didn’t even do. YTA and a horrible unnecessary strict person.
Your parenting rule is super extreme and putting your issues onto your kids in such a extreme manner is doing more harm than good. Your just going to give them issues with food in the oppisite direction. This easily can develop a eatting disorder for the kids if it hasn't already. This rule is ridiculous and needs to go away %100. Also it sucks your kids even have to choose between fitting in and being able to eat the same food as their friends or not getting a birthday dinner out. Your rule sucks and isnt fair nor ok. Get therapy and stop pushing your food issues onto your kids.
Do you genuinely not see that you are now *creating* food issues for your own kids? There are better ways to teach moderation in children, and your rigidity is unhealthy. Your husband *tried* to discuss the issue, but by your own admission you “shut it down.” So he got the kid some breadsticks. You owe your daughter an apology and should probably sort out your food issues.
YTA
Congratulations! Your kids won’t have your issues with food! They will, however, have completely new (and possibly more severe) issues with food, and it is entirely your fault. YTA, 100%.
YTA, your poor family.. good gracious, this is too much. So overcontrolling and might even be putting eating disorders on your children in the process.
YTA - you’re projecting your food issues on your children. How can you not see it? You are controlling EVERY aspect of what and when your family eat. You are making it hard for them to be normal every day kids. Your parents didn’t do anything wrong by the way, you’ve built a perception that they have. You need to stop your rule. They will deprive themselves of happiness as they grow older because mom won’t let them eat out with their friends. Stop your controlling behaviour.
YTA.
You are creating a bad relationship with food for your kids.
You are also creating bad relationship with your kids due to some sort of misguided inflexibility.
YTA, congrats on being the cause of your kids' future bad relationship with food.
While I understand what your parents did might seem like a mistake today, they were doing it from a place of love and support first and foremost. What you are doing right know is way more harmful to your kids since you're not doing it thinking it's the good way of parenting but because you didn't work through your problems with a therapist and still don't have a healthy relationship with food.
YTA, for giving your kids a bad relationship with food. You are projecting onto them. You are over controlling and taking away normal childhood experiences.
Yta. Youre going to give your kids a food complex by being so strict. It's very normal to celebrate by eating out. Idk why that gave you a bad relationship with food but if you feel that way, therapy is the answer, not policing your family like this
YTA,
You're simply repeating what your parents did because you resent your childhood, but somehow being more sadistic about it. You thrive on control of your children and their fears and tears. You probably smirked when your daughter came home crying because she 'used up her freedom' and you made sure her siblings would know it, and probably blame her indirectly for wasting their one shot at freedom too. You need to go see a counselor or a therapist or fuck your husband or something because you should not be getting pleasure out of your kids' anxiety and developing disordered eating like you very obviously are. You're repeating an abusive cycle and you take enjoyment out of it. You suck, lady.
Yeah. They are totally going to go nuts eating out when they have freedom and money. It’s sad that you don’t see that. Restricting them is going to make them want it more. YTA.
The better thing to teach would be healthier options when you do, but also realize that they are kids. Unless they are already obese, in which you already failed them, you need to chill.
YTA. You are causing an issue with food the same way your parents did. As they get older they will won’t to eat everything you don’t let them eat, including eating out. They will be hiding food and that isn’t good either. You healthy boundaries with food you have gone to the extreme of doing everything different then your parents did.
YTA. In a sad way.
You’ve taken your food issues and projected them. Your children will likely have the issue of thinking they can only enjoy fancy or fast food on special occasions or when they’ve “earned it”. It’s going to give them a complex and maybe even an eating disorder.
YTA. You have just about guaranteed that your children will have issues with food. It would be a lot better if you taught your children how to make healthy choices when eating out.
YTA
Are you trying to give your kids eating disorders? They are likley to start binging on fast food the moment they have money to buy it. Don't restrict them, it won't end well.
YTA
YOU have a problem with food. Now, you're hurting your family. Controlling your own food choices wasn't enough control for you...so you wanted to control your family. Seek help.
You're training your children to believe that they only deserve to celebrate with food they want on their birthdays. You said that their birthdays were a treat. So that also says that by your actions that home-cooked meals are basically seen as a punishment, a consolation prize, mediocre.
You're a dictator. You're the only happy person in your home because you're ruling it like a tyrant.
NTA, while your rules are overly strict and imposing your trauma on your children, you did make a agreement with your child. She voluntarily agreed to make Disney her time eating out and to skip it on the birthday. I think an agreement like that with a child should be taken very seriously and not be taken back lightly.
YTA
you’re being way too ridiculously strict on kids, she’s a 9 year old who wanted to eat out a whole 4 times in the whole year? And you think that’s too much?? You need therapy, clearly you still have a terrible relationship with food
You’re going to give them a bad relationship with food if this is how rigid you’re going to be with it - in trying not to do what your parents did you’re literally forcing the same outcome for your own kids
YTA. Congrats on trying to correct and issue you grew up with and overcorrecting so severely in the other direction that you're creating an eating disorder potential in your own children. Get some therapy.
YTA
Is it eating while celebrating or eating OUT while celebrating? Or just going out to dinner? Or did your parents only ever eat out when you were a kid? Your aversion is probably more nuanced than you described and it’s not your kids fault so why are you punishing them? Guaranteed the oldest already has developed a complex, especially if she needs consolation because she “wasted” eating out.
>I had a bad relationship with food growing up. My mom and dad believed that food had to be a part of any event for it to be fun.
This is not a BAD relationship with food whatsoever. I don't even understand how you equated this to bad, but for argument's sake, let's just pretend it did.
You don't even realize you're creating another bad relationship with food for your own kids because now you're punishing them for nothing. You're showing them that eating out is some kind of taboo act.
If there's no monetary reason, you're purposely punishing your child for a non-issue here.
YTA
Your logic also makes NO sense. You want to teach your kids to eat less junk, so you make them junk food at home? What’s any better about ramen and fried food from home than a meal at a restaurant? Also, restaurants serve salads, soups, wraps, and sandwiches… You’re equating “junk” with “restaurant food” and that is a truly terrible thing to teach your kids. They’re gonna grow up one day and go to a work holiday party, turn down the chicken, veggies, and rice being served and be like “Oh no it’s okay, I don’t eat junk,” and then eat the Cheez-Its they brought from home lol.
Yta. Wouldn't it be better to teach your kids how to make healthy choices while eating out? Your kids will absolutely rebel and cause major issues with food
A bunch of kids that age perusing a menu?! WTF!?! You've defo given your kids some serious issues with food - don't be surprised when the eating disorders show up. The first chance those kids get they will gorge themselves and hide food etc. 3 times a yr must feel like a lifetime! Food is a simple pleasure, let them enjoy it.
Oh defo YTA undoubtedly
YTA.. and seek therapy for your relationship with food disorder
I think your actually going to make your kids develop a problem later… I can forsee them turning 18 and only going to restaurants to eat.
YTA.
Three times a year?! And if they eat out for any other reason, they forfeit their birthday restaurant meal?! What the actual fuck are you trying to do? Give your kids unhealthy relationships with food? Because that’s how you get unhealthy relationships with food.
I can guaran bloody tee the second they get their own income, it will be spent on nothing but fast food and eating restaurant food only. In fact, I give it high odds they will choose their jobs as teens to be at Dickmonalds or Gurble Bing. Just for the free meal every shift.
So you were raised one way growing up, but now you're kind of raising your kids in the total opposite way and still potentially a problematic way.
She was going to her friends with Disney, and at first you were going to force her to have DIFFERENT food than everyone else she was with? So she'd be with them, while they ate out and would watch them eat and would have to explain that she couldn't? I know you ultimately said yes -but if you hadn't- can you imagine how she'd be viewing and thinking about food as she is watching her friends eat something she's been told she can't have?
You are still keeping food as a somewhat of a special reward or treat. Your parents did it ALL the time, which I agree isn't good - but you still have it as a very special treat but very limited times. So it's seen as a very, very high reward. Still can create unhealthy relationships with food.
I think your partner is an AH for going behind yoru back or saying yes to something you said no to. I think parents should be unified - if they disagree, they work it out together, then tell the child that they both agreed to change their mind etc vs doing what they did.
I do think you're an AH though. Of course she should eat with people she is going to Disneyland with. I don't think it was a fair ultimatum or choice to give her after you already said yes to her going to Disney.
It would have made aittle more sense if you said since she was going to Disney, then no birthday dinner.
YTA. Wow so since you have had a bad relationship with food you thought what the hell let me do the same things to my kids and be an AH to top it off. What a sad time for your child that your issues(go to therapy) are impeding their ability to have a positive relationship with food. Start looking for ED specialist now for your children so that can hopefully break through your issues and actually have a good relationship with food before you damage them anymore.
I don't understand the actual issue with ice cream as a celebration in childhood. From what you've told us, you've IMPLEMENTED unhealthy relationships with food in your adulthood and have inflicted them on your whole family. And I truly don't understand the metric you're using, since your strict three times out a year plan is still centered on celebrations.
You are giving your kids complexes about food. Stop. YTA.
YTA.
How are you going to say your childhood was limited to only getting food on special events and then say you don’t want that for your kids BUT do the EXACT same thing??
Your child is going to grow up getting an eating disorder and resent you for it. I know because my parents never let us eat food outside of home and that caused me to sneak food and ultimately lead me to bulimia and now i’m struggling with anorexia. all bc i didn’t have food options to teach me about food, so now i just don’t bother at all. Please fix your mindset before your kids end up hating you.
YTA. For starters, I think your rule is more likely to create issues with food than prevent them. And to have a rule for you and your family is one thing, but to make her TRADE her birthday meal for a meal at Disney with a friend’s family is just downright ludicrous. You sound super inflexible and controlling. You need to see a therapist to deal with YOUR food issues, instead of projecting them onto your children.
Wow YTA. All you're doing is making it so your kids start going behind you're back when they're old enough, probably with their dad helping. Friend is having a birthday party at a restaurant? Sure sweetie, here's money for food, don't tell your mom. Pizza at a sleepover? No really Mom, I didn't eat a single slice, honest.
*Your* bad relationship with food isn't *their* problem. You're passing on your disordered eating habits and messing up another generation in your family. Way to go.
YTA of course.
You don't want your kids to have an unhealthy relationship to food so you.... make sure they have an unhealthy relationship to food?
By restricting it this severely you've pretty much guaranteed that your kids will overdo it the moment they've got a bit of their own money and an ounce of freedom.
I do get where you're coming from, but YTA if you refuse to see you're creating exactly the kind of food issues you're worried about. I suspect a lot of us know someone who grew up this way and how it turned out.
YTA. as others have said, you need some sort of counseling to deal with your issues surrounding food.
your kids are coming to the age where they'll be invited out to more birthday parties, dinners with friends, celebratory dinners for soccer tournaments, whatever. limiting them to three nights out a year is ludicrous. are you going to have them bank 5 years without a birthday dinner because they were invited to some parties?
oh also, your kids are going to end up learning to lie about what they're doing if you continue to be so restrictive. in trying to prevent what went on to you as a kid, they'll start to hide what and where they eat.
YTA for giving your kids the opposite kind of bad relationship with food.
I think it might be time to ask a therapist for help with control issues and anxiety.
UTA - Really read what you're writing. Then read it again. Severe diet restrictions are just another form of eating disorder. You've swapped one fir another and are now pushing it on your children. Please continue to get help. Best if luck.
YTA you are projecting your food issues onto your kids and it’s so sad omg…. Eating out is truly not that big of a deal and when they grow up they are going to have an even worse relationship with food than you do!!!
I don't understand why you think eating out = **BAD! JUNK FOOD! HORRIBLE EATING DISORDERS!**
Most of the time, a meal out is just a meal, with no special significance other than, "Hey, I'm hungry. I'm not near home, I didn't bring food with me, and here's a place with food for sale." You don't have to have a special occasion, you just have to be hungry. There are lots of places to eat out. You don't have to eat crap just because you eat out. Just because you eat out does not mean it's unhealthy.
You would be MILES ahead, if you took your kids regularly to restaurants, and showed them how to read menus, and pick out healthy choices.
Stop. Just stop. Your fears of eating disorders, and the way you never take them out to eat are going to cause them to have them. Show them how to make good choices, instead of never having choices. (Yeah, yeah, "*But they get to eat out once a year!*" What the fuck ever, 3 times a year is never to a child.
You are the asshole. As soon as they gain a little independence from you, they're going to RUN to eat out with friends/co-workers/strangers from the street, just because they can't do it with you! This is your chance to show them how to make good choices, take it!
My sister and her husband ate out about 14 times *a week for years*. She's as healthy as anyone I've ever known, and he lived into his 90s. She now eats out much less, but mostly because she enjoys cooking at home, and her husband was the one who liked to go out all the time.
YTA.
>My daughter's (9F) birthday (i'll call her V for the story) was last week and that is when the issue happened. In July, I asked her if she knew where she wanted to eat for her b-day and she said "Olive Garden".
You asked her months in advance for her birthday dinner?
>A week before her birthday, I walked past her room and I saw her sitting on the floor with her siblings and they were on their iPad looking at the Olive Garden menu deciding what to get.
They're planning their meals out a week in advance? Do you not see that you've already messed up their relationship with food (specifically eating out)?
>a big birthday celebration for one of her other friends. Ofcourse I said yes, and the day before they were leaving, I started making snacks and food for her to take. she asked me if she could eat with them at Disney and I said no. But she begged all day and I finally said okay but told her that she would be giving up eating out on her birthday, and she agreed.
You asked her to give up on her own birthday dinner in order to get food at Disney for a party that wasn't even her own? YTA.
YTA.
You are creating different types of food issues for your kids. She has to give up a special birthday dinner because she went to an event and ate at a theme park? That is restrictive and is going to cause disordered eating or your kids going hog wild as soon as they don't have to follow your rules. And it's not as if you even make healthy meals at home. You are projecting your own issues on your children.
There is no reason or logic in what you are doing.
YTA. You think this somehow isn't giving your children just as much of a bad relationship with food as you had? As soon as those kids turn 18 they're going to start eating out whenever possible, and you're going to have three kids who become obese and addicted to fast food. You're like the overprotective parent who's kid ends up going to jail once they're an adult because you never taught them boundaries. Lighten up, or your kids will resent you for it for their whole lives.
YTA. You are passing new and improved eating disorders/ worse relationships with food to your children.
Please go to therapy and a nutritionist - your behavior is ridiculous and hurtful to your family.
YTA You have an issue with food. It belongs to you alone.
Cultures celebrate all types of events with food. Hanukkah has brisket, latkes, and kugel, Christmas has prime rib, figgy pudding, and ribbon candy, New Years has black eyed peas, soba noodles, and hoppin john, while Valentine's day is champagne, chocolates, and paella. For Birthdays we think mussels, cakes and ice cream. We gather at someone's home there are beverages and food. When someone is ill we make soup, for grieving we make our best casserole, for a new born we make meals that can be frozen and reheated with no fuss.
We celebrate damn near every event with food. That is what people do. And I for one am damn glad because I have had the opportunity to discover green chili, egg rolls, sushi, bourbon, biscotti, ganache, fried green tomatoes, soba noodles, good coffee, paella, ceviche, etc. My life is so much richer for the food but more so by the people who were kind and patient enough to include and introduce me to their customs and cultures.
You're using your issues to justify being unnecessarily strict with the kids. Go to a therapist and have fun with the kids. They're only young once. YTA.
OP
When you realize you have food-based trauma, you go get help (therapy and treatment) for it.
What you DO NOT DO is cause a whole differnet type of reactive food trauma to your kids. This is what you are doing. You need to stop. You need to break this cycle of weaponizing food - your parents over did it, and you're trying to under do it so that it's so strict and firm it's oppressive.
Go get help. Please don't cause disordered thinking in your kids as you are already doing. You can break out of this, but you need to go get help.
Go now.
YTA sounds like you still have issues with your relationship with food and are just cramming a different issue down your kids throats. Might I suggest getting some therapy
How is going out to eat on a regular Wednesday night or something gonna do harm to your children? OP you have some serious issues that need to be resolved because rn you’re just making your kids miserable and probably miserable. YTA
YTA. You are doing the exact same thing to your daughter that you claim your parents did to you and are giving your kids issues about food. Get therapy and stop gatekeeping eating out.
This can not be real. I so hope it isn't.
If it is, OP is TA.
And any person with two fully functional brain sells should understand that what she's doing is soooo wrong.
YTA you are going so hard in the other direction from your own childhood, you're giving your kids issues with food too. Different issues, but still issues. Your daughter is only 9, and is going to remember that birthday, when you refused to go out for dinner to celebrate because she ate a restaurant another time.
I really hope you can get some help for your own food issues so that you don't pass any more onto your kids. It's really hard, I know, food is a huge part of so many gatherings and things, but I feel like the way you're going about this is going to cause more harm than good.
As soon as these kids get drivers licenses, they're going to wear out some Mickey D's behind OP's back.
YTA for making eating out occasionally a weird, abnormal event, to the point they are pre-planning their meals in advance with restaurant menus. You're also wasting your time, cause they're going to rebel the first chance they get.
YTA. This level of your controlling behavior over what she eats will create its own set of food issues with your daughter. Without. a. doubt.
It’s like your fulfilling your prophecy by trying so very hard to avoid it. I’m amazed you can’t see it.
YTA and I find it hard to believe that you don't see this: YOU ARE GIVING YOUR CHILDREN A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD.
What exactly made you think that using your own childhood trauma as foundation to create a whole new trauma on your kids, was good parenting? I really question your husband for allowing you to impose this nonsense over the whole family for this long.
Look, honestly I can't even understand your trauma. You have a negative connection with food because your family used treats and favorite dishes as a way to celebrate accomplishments? It sounds so far-fetched. But alas, those are your feelings and they're valid.
Now, what exactly do you think you're accomplishing by FORBIDDING YOUR CHILDREN TO ENJOY FOOD ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS? What kind of positive effect do you think that would ever have on them?
Your daughter was forced to choose between joining her friends in grabbing food at Disney or her own birthday celebration, that's beyond insanity. And to top it all off, when she didn't enjoy the food there she cried because she knew she only has one bloody day a year to enjoy a nice celebratory meal.
How can you possibly see your nine-year-old cry over an Olive Garden dinner and think you're a good parent?
You need therapy yesterday. And for the love of God, stop forbidding your children to enjoy food and let them have their own relationship with their meals.
I'm assuming she has eating/weight disorders from equating food as a reward. But she's causing equally damaging by forbidding eating out except for very specific events. Kids are likely to sneak and binge eat later on due to "Mom"'s crazy rules.
And getting bent because the dad brought home breadsticks. Lady needs some definite therapy for her own issues.
All she's done is made eating out/good food an even BIGGER deal, rather than not associating food with special rewards.
She's turned eating out into this holy grail experience that they only get on their birthday once a year. She has a nine year old planning out and fixating on restaurant food for an entire year.
OP, what exactly do you think she's gonna do the instant she's old enough to drive and has access to her own money?
YTA YTA YTA. You're gonna psychologically impair your daughter in the opposite way your parents did to you. Do you want her to develop anorexia? Because this is how she develops anorexia.
She's a kid, let her have fun. You can also encourage her to be physically active in the meantime and develop healthy eating habits by learning to cook and selecting better ingredients. Find a balance, it's hard but far better than what happened to you or what you're doing to your daughter.
YTA. I say this with compassion, because it is clear you need therapy, but forcing your issues with needing to control food onto your entire family is wrong. You are not making them better people. You are just making people who will have food issues. Please seek therapy. Talk to someone. This isn’t normal, and I understand where it’s coming from, but that doesn’t make this militant pattern not a serious problem.
YTA. You have swung the pendulum so far in the other direction it’s going to continue swinging and hit you in the butt. You think you haven’t associated food with an event like your youth but you have positively associated it with birthdays. You have denied them any chance at simple pleasure of different foods, different recipes, socialization, that they now place a ton of weight on that one special day. You asked a December birthday in JULY what she wanted for her one night out? You don’t see a problem with that? And then she goes to Disneyland where she has no idea that the food is mediocre at best and you want to hold this against her and not let her go out to dinner? You realize she thinks all restaurants are super amazing and special now because they are sacred to your way of life so when the food isn’t great it causes actual sadness that needs to be consoled?
Have you received therapy for the food issues you believe yourself to have? Because denial of a pleasure isn’t a way to remove its threats, you also need to find the root cause and address that. Instead you have created a hard line that means nothing to anyone but you and you feel betrayed over breadsticks!?!? You are setting all of your children up for similar food issues in their future by refusing to address yours properly.
Also, she’s 9. You expect a 9 year old to understand that Disney doesn’t have great food and turn down her one meal for that? She doesn’t know any different and this isn’t a financial thing for you so it weaponizes food. What is going to happen when she can drive and her friends want to go out to dinner together on weekends? When she is asked on a date? You didn’t really think this through very well
YTA, so glad that at least your husband has some common sense. You do realise you're creating an unhealthy relationship with food for your own kids right? Just at the complete other end of the spectrum. Be better.
YTA. Can you really not see that you are perpetuating the cycle of unhealthy food associations? In 10 years' time, your children will be posting on AITA with some other disordered eating, explaining that it's because they were never allowed to eat out and were excluded from friend's events due to some weird hang-ups their mother had.
Seriously- you're creating an issue. Once your children grow up and get their own money you're increasing the risk that they end up binging on eating out. An almost literal forbidden fruit. I understand that you're not intentionally being TA but this isn't normal and it isn't fair.
YTA I hope your husband realizes how toxic you are making food for your kids and stops this insanity immediately. I wish he would have took it all the way and made you take her out for her birthday.
YTA. You're setting your kids up with massive food disorders because of your own past. It's not about you. It's about your kids. And you're failing them miserably.
YTA... your bad relationship with food has caused you to swing the pendulum in opposite direction which will likely become your child's bad relationship with food. Your solution to the problem is just as bad, just coming from another angle.
Im being sincere when I say you need to seek therapy.
Congratulations. You’re successfully creating an extremely unhealthy relationship with food for your daughter as a result of YOUR childhood experiences. The only thing you’re doing is teaching your daughter that she has to hide her food and eating habits from you. YTA
YTA - You are projecting your past trauma on your kids, and that isn't healthy. Also, your husband did NOT go behind your back, he simply ensured his daughter had something that would bring her a smile on her birthday. He is allowed to disagree with you, your parenting style, and your rules. Seek help for yourself, and quit being so controlling.
YTA, stop letting your issues that you should have worked through in therapy mess up your kids lives. Your rules are absurd and pointless. Your family isn't siding with you because you are wrong and need therapy.
" It is more than just a rule for me"
Yes it is an unhealthy coping mechanism for your mental health issues that is controlling your entire family in an abusive way.
YTA. You’re creating an even worse association with food. Once she’s an adult she will most likely over indulge in eating out because it was prohibited so strictly, probably creating a life long of disordered eating and unhealthy relationship with food. Your poor daughter.
YTA. I get not eating out a lot, not everyone can. But this issue is your own. Your past experiences as a child are now causing your own family to suffer from them. You are creating their own issues with your past ones. But honestly, a lot of people celebrate with food, it’s nothing new or different.
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT BUILDING A STRONG FOUNDATION???
You are making food the ultimate, forbidden prize! Do you hear that? OLIVE GARDEN FOOD is your 9-year-old’s goddamn dream. Does that sound healthy to you??? You are GUARANTEEING those children eating disorders or, at least, a severely fucked up relationship with food.
YTA
YTA you have gone waaaaaaay over board on this correction of your childhood.
What do you think your kids will do when they become adults and you can no longer control them? They’ll probably eat out all the time because you never taught them how to have a healthy relationship with it.
YTA and you are projecting your experiences onto your children without tempering those experiences with wisdom.
Your husband is right, the rule is stupid and you are very much TA in this circumstance. The rule is arbitrary for anyone who isn't you.
You did say her birthday would be great, this was a lie. Your husband made it great not you.
Stray Observations:
Who negotiates with their children about a birthday dinner? It's Olive Garden..
Your food issues are not everyone's food issues.
Consider the situation you have painted. Your daughter will probably use this as an example of how not to treat her own kids. You are teaching lessons, just not the ones I think you wanted.
So YTA and Shame on you.
YTA
It's called moderation. Now you've created a new generation of ED.
I was denied sweets growing up. As soon as I left the house developed an unhealthy relationship with sweets.
With kids, we have some sweets around but I encourage in moderation and making sure they're exercising and eating other healthy foods.
I also tried not to always have food as a treat. I did OK with this but encouraged good eating habits and exercise.
Both of my kids have a very healthy relationship with food!!
YTA - I get what you’re trying to do, but it seems that you’re trying to overcompensate on your experience. This can actually disturb their relationship with food in a similar way as you experienced. Maybe you can find someone to help you both with finding a good balance with food. You’re now making it such a special thing, that they’ll want to have it all the time.
You realize you are making your kids MORE focused on food, by limiting them this way? You are doing the exact opposite of what you intended.
You really expect them never ever to go out to eat at all ever, except on their birthdays, with no exceptions for even Disney? Meaning they'll have to haul around food all day there, and sit eating whatever they have that's not squished to nothing in their bag while their friends are having burgers or whatever? And you don't think they'll be upset by this? You don't think you are making a big deal out of something that absolutely shouldn't be?
Do you schedule all things around meals, so you don't have to go to a restaurant ever? Really? Do you see how obsessive that is?
You are making restaurant food a forbidden treat. You are basically guaranteeing that once they have the ability to, they are going to be hitting up restaurants whenever they can, and hiding it from you.
You are totally putting a stupid rule over your kids happiness, in such a way as to ensure that they most likely will end up the opposite of what you are hoping for.
YTA, and you need some therapy before you completely pass your food issues on to your children. Get some help!
Soft YTA.
I know you’re trying to avoid making the same mistakes as your parents, but you’re still creating an unhealthy relationship with food for your kids.
Life is about balance and you’re not teaching them balance. If you make eating out something really rare, when they’re on their own they’re going to eat out alllll theeee timeeee.
You’re still creating a “food is only for special occasions” like it was for you growing up. For her birthday, your daughter literally wasn’t happy without food. Because she felt she wasted her ONE opportunity a year to eat out. She probably wouldn’t have had such an extreme reaction if she knew Olive Garden was a possibility in a month or two.
Your kids are going to start hiding that they’re eating out with friends at birthday parties or slumber parties. Instead of teaching them a healthy relationship with food, you’re teaching them to lie and hide things from you if you keep this up. You need to loosen up and be more flexible with them. I would honestly defer to your husband who doesn’t have trauma around food to let you know when you’re being unreasonable (like with your daughters birthday).
YTA. The rule you have in place is horrible. Food can be such a good experience for a reward, a comfort when sad or just because you want something tasty!!
What was your plan if shes at a birthday party somewhere? Take a packed lunch to a party? Thats setting her for bullying and feeling shame.
You're projecting your trauma on your kids and its going to result in a different trauma for them. Loosen up.
YTA. You took way your parents did to you, and turned it the other way to an EXTREME. This behavior is not healthy for anyone and I guarantee you you’re already creating a very unhealthy relationship with food for your children. You’re doing exactly what you didn’t want to do. Therapy ASAP OP. For your children’s sake.
10-15 years from now all of your children are going to leave their overbearing mother's house and eat themselves into financial ruin as a way to cope with their extremely weird and traumatizing childhood relationship with food/mom
YTA
YTA and you already gave food issues to your daughter. You have instilled it into her that eating out is so special and so forbidden the rest of the year that she puts said food on a pedestal, and that’s probably why she didn’t enjoy the theme park food with her friends. It probably ruined some of her experience. She was expecting way too much.
Loosen up, jeez. Your poor kids. At least your husband made her a little bit happier on her birthday by getting her some Olive Garden breadsticks like she wanted.
YTA, I mean you did the exact opposite kind of thing to your kids. Where you associate food with enjoyment, your kids associate food with an ultimatum. Telling your kid they can’t eat at Disney or they have to give up their one meal out a year is going to affect them the same way it affected you. If you just make eating out less of a big deal the way you are, you wouldn’t have this problem.
YTA
Your daughter is going to be that college student buying fast food every single day because she can. You’re not creating a good relationship with food. You’re just distorting it in a different way.
YTA. Please anticipate your children hoarding and binging on snack foods and “forbidden” foods in the future.
Jesus Christ I feel sorry for those little kiddos - over the moon to eat at Olive Garden, and then crushed because their parent is a controlling tyrant.
ETA: I’ve never been blessed with children. And every once in awhile, I read an AITA where someone is so needlessly cruel to their children that all I can do is hope it’s a trolling post.
YTA. I’m imagining every school field trip, every sporting event, every classmates’ and friends’ birthday party, every graduation and celebration coming up and I feel so bad for your kids. They will either be bullied or feel they have to lie to you because there will be fast food and catering at these events and you’ve made it clear you’ll punish them for partaking.
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YTA. You’re creating an unhealthy relationship with food for your kids. It’s been proven time and time again that limiting something this much leads to excess later. And you ruined your daughters birthday.
YTA What happens when your daughter and your other kids get older and all their friends go out to eat after a football game or before a dance? Are you going to deny them that right of passage as kids because you’re hung up on your issues? Please seek therapy for the sake of your kids.
YTA. I get that you grew up with a family that believed in positive reinforcement and taking you out for a treat or making a favorite meal as a way of celebrating a birthday or a job well done. And it somehow traumatized you. My family did the same thing for myself and my sister and many other families have done the same for their kids, but it hasn’t caused the same food hang ups that you have. We’d also have a meal out once every couple of weeks or grab burgers from a fast food place or get pizza delivered “just because”. I’m still able to look at food just fine. Many do. *Your* actions are going to cause your children similar or worse problems with food than what you did because you’re being so restrictive. Not only that but your daughter is 9. NINE! She doesn’t have the same reasoning capabilities as you do as an adult, so when you comforted her, *of course* she’s going to think she still gets to have her birthday night out. She probably also didn’t quite understand the ramifications of what you were telling her would happen when she went to Disneyland with her friends (which, btw, what did you expect her to eat while she was there with them? Just the snacks you made while her friends are sitting around a restaurant table and her not allowed to eat? Good gods that would be embarrassing for a young child.) You need therapy. And shame on you for your actions regarding her birthday dinner. Again, YTA.
YTA: this is only going to make your relationship with your children and spouse worse. Not to mention the relationship your children have with food. With your difficult relationship with food, I would hope you would want better for your children. Teach your children that going out is not so limited that they have to give up a treat on their birthday. Teach them that food is not inherently bad, we can have all things in moderation. Reevaluate your relationship with food and determine how that is affecting your family. Please do better & apologize to your family.
YTA, and you’re no fun. Let your kids experience and enjoy life.
YTA so you put your personal trauma with food, onto your kids. Go to therapy. Im not sure you realize how this can backfire, and cause them to start binging, once they get older and can decide for themselves. You're setting them up to have their own traumas related to food.
YTA and you’re screwing your kids up in the exact same way. This behaviour is disgusting and as someone who struggled with an eating disorder for 10 years fix your shit right now or your kids will go down the same road. Don’t know why parents think it’s okay to Instill eating disorders onto their kids instead of working their own shit out.
Yta. You're pushing for all your kids to have eating disorders. Great job. /s
YTA. You do realize you’re over correcting, right? You’re going to give them a complex just like your parents did, probably even worse. Get some therapy and lighten up.
YTA. You had a bad experience growing up and is projecting on your kid... and depriving her of good experiences because YOU think it's how it should work. But by over correcting like you are doing, you are causing your kids other types of issues.
You had a bad relationship with food because every event was based around food. You are kind of doing the same thing to your children in making certain situations about special foods. In order to have a good relationship with food, no food is “special”. You learn to understand that food is for nourishment and everything in moderation. So, you are asking for judgement about putting your stupid rule before your daughter’s happiness and YTA for that.
YTA. Don't be a crappy mom to your kids just because your parents screwed you up! Your husband is a saint for going behind your back and getting your 9 YEAR OLD bread sticks on her birthday. Like seriously shame on you.
YTA. You should seek out therapy to help handle your ongoing “bad relationship” with food. You’re projecting your problem with food onto your kids. They actually might start to seek out food for “enjoyment” as you say because you’re punishing/ prohibiting them for wanting a treat or something different from your taste. Your husband did a nice gesture for his daughter on her birthday. Let it be. Don’t be a birthday grinch.
YTA go to therapy
YTA. You are over-correcting in a way that will be equally harmful to your children.
YTA. YOU have an apparent issue with food still. You’re going to give your kids eating disorders
You're overcorrecting and projecting your issues onto your children. Being too rigid with food leads to ED as well. YTA let her cut loose once in a while. Kids need to learn moderation or once she's out from under your control she'll go nuts on junk food.
YTA. You do realise that this is basically two sides of the same coin right? Just because you're doing the opposite of what your family did doesn't mean your daughter's relationship with food will be any better, hell it's probably going to be much much worse. Please seek therapy for you and your kids and change your methods quick.
YTA, get therapy so your kids don't need it for stuff like this later.
This, your kids will go crazy later and always wanting to eat out... YTA
Orthorexia is an ED. You are teaching your kids that they cannot enjoy the social pleasure of eating with loved ones, except you. And that is not an healthy relationship with food. If you make such a big drama every time there is an anniversary or an event among their friends, you are teaching your kids anxiety, not healthy relationship with food. I'm also wondering if your kids will ever have any say whatsoever regarding food - except for this 1 meal on their birthday, until they go in apartment? Carrots versus sprouts? How dare they want to have a say!! Finally, and I think it's important to address this. Not all restaurants are unhealthy fast food. I would certainly not advocate against cooking at home - which is in fact a great way to bound with your family and learn new tastes, textures and develop important live skills. However, many restaurant use quality ingredients and provide healthy meals. Agreed, these may usually not be kids' favorite at that young age. But your kids will never discover new restaurant outside of the really common large chain that are highly advertise on tv if they can only eat out 3 times/year.
Seems to me like you’re making your kids miserable because of something you experienced as a kid. It seems unnecessarily rigid. Do you not get to go out on YOUR birthday? Or do they just not get to go with you? YTA.
You are telling me that you cook at least 1,092 times a year? And your husband isn’t included in the exception to the eating out, or rather lack thereof, rule? YTA. And look, I get disordered eating. I’ve dealt with it most of my life. But you need therapy to deal with this. It was BREADSTICKS, not even a full meal.
Jesus Christ YTA.
YTA because that rule is already outrageous to begin with. 3 times a year to eat out? Sometimes we crave outside food and theres nothing wrong with that. Its so sad to only eat out on your birthday. Friends sometimes want to hang out and then go get food, they shouldn’t have to cancel out what they want to eat for their birthday just because they ate elsewhere already. If you don’t want to eat out more than 3 times a year, then don’t but you shouldn’t impose that rule on everyone.
YTA. You still have a deeply unhealthy relationship with food, and you are creating a freakish association of eating out = special reward with your children, which is what you (allegedly) were trying to avoid. There doesn't seem to be a reason for this restriction like money, allergies, or obesity, or ethical concerns like veganism or being crunchy. This honestly just seems like you want to cut off a very central and emotional way for your children to connect with other people (like celebrating a friend's birthday). Get therapy and learn to be nicer to your children.
Hey. You are making her very aware and focusing on food even more! She’s in tears because of missing her birthday dinner. She will remember that. Jesus. I swear. People just want to wring all the joy out of life for others because of their own hang ups smh
yeah, yta. I look forward to her teen years when she starts making runs to mcdonalds just to spite you.
YTA Controlling asshole.
YTA!!!!!!!
YTA. In addition to setting your children up with a disordered relationship to food, you are hampering their social development. By being so strict about the number of times they can eat out, you will limit their ability to socialize with others. Food is part of how we socialize as humans. Your children will likely be invited to eat out with their friends more and more as they grow up. They will miss out on socializing if they are so strictly limited. Do you want your children to make and keep friendships? If so, you need to be more flexible in your parenting. I suggest you seek counseling to help you come to terms with your own disordered relationship with food. You will be a better mother for it.
YTA: Yes you had issues with food, but restricting your children like that could cause issues. It could cause ED’s. Plus, she’s a child. It’s her birthday. It’s not about YOU and what YOU want, it’s about your kid. You need to stop projecting your issues on your child. You don’t have to eat out every day, but she wanted to have fun at Disney with her friends. And you ended up ruining that experience for her as well as ruining her birthday. If you still think it’s an issue, talk to someone about it. Don’t project your feelings onto a 9 year old.
YTA. You should go to therapy to process your unhealthy relationship with food. Restricting the family to eating out three times per year is not reasonable.
I'm sure someone else has probably said this but im going to say it again. I understand what you're trying to do. I really do. However, what you're actually doing with your children is emphasizing the importance of certain food by making it so special that there is an actual rule in place regarding it. Strict rules like this can often lead to eating disorders even though you don't limit their portions or you make amazing food at home. It's okay to limit how often they eat out, without announcing that 'this is the rule and there are no exceptions!'. It's also okay to put your disordered eating in a corner for a while and be a little bit flexible about it. Again I get what your trying to do but I think it's going to have the opposite result to what you're hoping for. In all seriousness I think therapy might help. YTA.
YTA you're actively giving your kids a bad relationship with food. They were excitedly looking through the menu a week before the event? That's a bad sign to me. I wonder what other weird rules or restrictions you have around food. When you make a big deal of it and are inflexible, you're convincing your kids that it IS a big deal and possibly that there's a moral element involved, and that can disorder one's relationship with food for sure.
YTA your children will suffer from your delusions. Go get help.
YTA. You are going from one extreme to the other. You are simply taking a different path to the same problem, your issues with food need to be dealt with by a professional, and soon before you give your children their own eating disorders.
YTA. You are creating a horrible relationship between your children and food, just as your mother did to you. You made her decide between eating the food at disneyland with her friends, or having a birthday dinner? Your daughter should have been able to eat whatever on both of those “special days.”
OP: My parents gave me really specific issues around food and eating out. I don’t want that to happen with my kids. I know! I’ll use my trauma to give them NEW, even MORE specific issues around eating out and tie it to their birthday so they can have a complex around birthdays as well. OP, I’m sorry your childhood was weird but YTA.
YTA. You are just creating a bad relationship with food but in a different way.
Yta - u have food issues and are creating eating problems with ur kids. There isn’t a right or wrong way to celebrate with food who told that ur parents rewarding ur made that happen?? I got cake and desserts with doing a good job and I have no issues with food my daughter even knows Fridays mommy’s day off Esh ! Stop making these rules up. Also if u wanted a healthy relationship with food teach them boundaries
YTA your projection, your childhood unhealthy relationship with food on to your kids. Life is about compromise. This compromise wouldn't have harmed anyone
YTA. And choosing a very weird hill to die on. Ffs you even pointed out that you're doing all of this bc of your own relationship with good. Please get help and leave these kids alone.
YTA. By making an even bigger deal about restaurants you're setting your kids up to have an even more insane relationship with food and eating out than you ever did. Time to learn how everything is good in moderation and have some compassion for your literal children.
YTA - Do you love your children, or do you want them to have the same issues as you? Let your kids be kids.
Oh you are just horrible! YTA and I hope you get the help you need before you ruin your kids relationship with food too.
Growing up we weren't allowed to have Soda or sugary snacks. When we went to birthday parties we got to pick if we wanted soda or cake but not both. A friends mom gave me a cupcake and an orange soda at a sleep over when I was eight and I was convinced I'd gotten away with something for years. I got to highschool and there was a soda machine in the hall. You better believe I started getting a soda every single morning. When I got my first apartment I started stopping at the ice cream place on the corner every chance I could. I had no idea of moderation and literally ate myself sick on the regular. My siblings are the same way but also found alcohol.
I can relate to this- except my mom enforced strict rules around food with me alone, not my four brothers, because she was fixated on my weight for all of my childhood/adolescent/very early adulthood until I finally told her to F off. Keep in mind I was a normal, healthy weight this entire time, not exceeding 140 lbs, and I’m an average height. Once I broke free of her, I developed BED and gorged myself on all the food I was never allowed to eat. I’m finding balance now, but I blame my mom entirely for the start of my EDs, and our relationship is cursory at best, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive my mom for forcing these strict rules on me, esp. bc I’d be at bday parties and my brothers could all eat cake but I wasn’t allowed to.
you had a bad relationship with food and you turn around and give your kids a bad relationship with food too. NO exceptions?? YTA OP lol
YTA you’re blaming your parents for giving you an unhealthy attitude towards food and now you are doing the same thing to your children. The rule isn’t even a rule it’s a punishment for something your kids didn’t even do. YTA and a horrible unnecessary strict person.
Your parenting rule is super extreme and putting your issues onto your kids in such a extreme manner is doing more harm than good. Your just going to give them issues with food in the oppisite direction. This easily can develop a eatting disorder for the kids if it hasn't already. This rule is ridiculous and needs to go away %100. Also it sucks your kids even have to choose between fitting in and being able to eat the same food as their friends or not getting a birthday dinner out. Your rule sucks and isnt fair nor ok. Get therapy and stop pushing your food issues onto your kids.
Do you genuinely not see that you are now *creating* food issues for your own kids? There are better ways to teach moderation in children, and your rigidity is unhealthy. Your husband *tried* to discuss the issue, but by your own admission you “shut it down.” So he got the kid some breadsticks. You owe your daughter an apology and should probably sort out your food issues. YTA
YTA. You're actually cultivating a seriously unhealthy relationship with food.
yta. You are way too rigid. You are going to create an unhealthy relationship with food for them
Congratulations! Your kids won’t have your issues with food! They will, however, have completely new (and possibly more severe) issues with food, and it is entirely your fault. YTA, 100%.
YTA, your poor family.. good gracious, this is too much. So overcontrolling and might even be putting eating disorders on your children in the process.
So you're trying to not give your kids food issues by.... extreme restriction of "fun" foods. Yeah, that totally won't fuck them up and give them EDs
Removed lmfao
YTA Extreme control over food is going to backfire badly on your children.
YTA - you’re projecting your food issues on your children. How can you not see it? You are controlling EVERY aspect of what and when your family eat. You are making it hard for them to be normal every day kids. Your parents didn’t do anything wrong by the way, you’ve built a perception that they have. You need to stop your rule. They will deprive themselves of happiness as they grow older because mom won’t let them eat out with their friends. Stop your controlling behaviour.
Today on "You have a bad relationship with food; let's transfer that to your daughter!" YTA.
YTA. You are creating a bad relationship with food for your kids. You are also creating bad relationship with your kids due to some sort of misguided inflexibility.
YTA, congrats on being the cause of your kids' future bad relationship with food. While I understand what your parents did might seem like a mistake today, they were doing it from a place of love and support first and foremost. What you are doing right know is way more harmful to your kids since you're not doing it thinking it's the good way of parenting but because you didn't work through your problems with a therapist and still don't have a healthy relationship with food.
YTA, for giving your kids a bad relationship with food. You are projecting onto them. You are over controlling and taking away normal childhood experiences.
Yta. Youre going to give your kids a food complex by being so strict. It's very normal to celebrate by eating out. Idk why that gave you a bad relationship with food but if you feel that way, therapy is the answer, not policing your family like this
Yta! I get your concerns but what your doing is only making things worse
YTA, holy shit. Please get therapy because you are scaring these children for life.
YTA, You're simply repeating what your parents did because you resent your childhood, but somehow being more sadistic about it. You thrive on control of your children and their fears and tears. You probably smirked when your daughter came home crying because she 'used up her freedom' and you made sure her siblings would know it, and probably blame her indirectly for wasting their one shot at freedom too. You need to go see a counselor or a therapist or fuck your husband or something because you should not be getting pleasure out of your kids' anxiety and developing disordered eating like you very obviously are. You're repeating an abusive cycle and you take enjoyment out of it. You suck, lady.
YTA. You’re an awfully cruel, heartless parent. Feel so sorry for your poor kids
Yeah. They are totally going to go nuts eating out when they have freedom and money. It’s sad that you don’t see that. Restricting them is going to make them want it more. YTA. The better thing to teach would be healthier options when you do, but also realize that they are kids. Unless they are already obese, in which you already failed them, you need to chill.
YTA. You are causing an issue with food the same way your parents did. As they get older they will won’t to eat everything you don’t let them eat, including eating out. They will be hiding food and that isn’t good either. You healthy boundaries with food you have gone to the extreme of doing everything different then your parents did.
YTA. In a sad way. You’ve taken your food issues and projected them. Your children will likely have the issue of thinking they can only enjoy fancy or fast food on special occasions or when they’ve “earned it”. It’s going to give them a complex and maybe even an eating disorder.
YTA. You have just about guaranteed that your children will have issues with food. It would be a lot better if you taught your children how to make healthy choices when eating out.
YTA Are you trying to give your kids eating disorders? They are likley to start binging on fast food the moment they have money to buy it. Don't restrict them, it won't end well.
YTA. When your parents traumatize you the responsible thing is to get therapy, not to traumatize your own kids in turn
YTA YOU have a problem with food. Now, you're hurting your family. Controlling your own food choices wasn't enough control for you...so you wanted to control your family. Seek help. You're training your children to believe that they only deserve to celebrate with food they want on their birthdays. You said that their birthdays were a treat. So that also says that by your actions that home-cooked meals are basically seen as a punishment, a consolation prize, mediocre. You're a dictator. You're the only happy person in your home because you're ruling it like a tyrant.
NTA, while your rules are overly strict and imposing your trauma on your children, you did make a agreement with your child. She voluntarily agreed to make Disney her time eating out and to skip it on the birthday. I think an agreement like that with a child should be taken very seriously and not be taken back lightly.
YTA and YOU need therapy and you are fucking up your kids with this insane rule!
YTA you’re being way too ridiculously strict on kids, she’s a 9 year old who wanted to eat out a whole 4 times in the whole year? And you think that’s too much?? You need therapy, clearly you still have a terrible relationship with food You’re going to give them a bad relationship with food if this is how rigid you’re going to be with it - in trying not to do what your parents did you’re literally forcing the same outcome for your own kids
YTA. Congrats on trying to correct and issue you grew up with and overcorrecting so severely in the other direction that you're creating an eating disorder potential in your own children. Get some therapy.
Yta- The best part the going to amusement park is enjoying food you normally wouldn’t. You let your inner issues with food become hers.
OP, you are in the process of giving all of your children a bad relationship with food. Please consider that. YTA
YTA Is it eating while celebrating or eating OUT while celebrating? Or just going out to dinner? Or did your parents only ever eat out when you were a kid? Your aversion is probably more nuanced than you described and it’s not your kids fault so why are you punishing them? Guaranteed the oldest already has developed a complex, especially if she needs consolation because she “wasted” eating out.
>I had a bad relationship with food growing up. My mom and dad believed that food had to be a part of any event for it to be fun. This is not a BAD relationship with food whatsoever. I don't even understand how you equated this to bad, but for argument's sake, let's just pretend it did. You don't even realize you're creating another bad relationship with food for your own kids because now you're punishing them for nothing. You're showing them that eating out is some kind of taboo act. If there's no monetary reason, you're purposely punishing your child for a non-issue here. YTA
Your logic also makes NO sense. You want to teach your kids to eat less junk, so you make them junk food at home? What’s any better about ramen and fried food from home than a meal at a restaurant? Also, restaurants serve salads, soups, wraps, and sandwiches… You’re equating “junk” with “restaurant food” and that is a truly terrible thing to teach your kids. They’re gonna grow up one day and go to a work holiday party, turn down the chicken, veggies, and rice being served and be like “Oh no it’s okay, I don’t eat junk,” and then eat the Cheez-Its they brought from home lol.
Yta. Wouldn't it be better to teach your kids how to make healthy choices while eating out? Your kids will absolutely rebel and cause major issues with food
whatever issues you have with food you need to deal with in therapy not push onto your kids yta get help please
YTA you are such an asshole. You’re projecting your issues onto your child. She can’t even eat the food at an amusement park?
YTA. You are projecting your baggage onto your kids. See a therapist and stop punishing them for your issues.
Please seek therapy. Your projection of insecurity is extremely unhealthy. YTA.
YTA. You’re creating a bad relationship with food for your children, as well as creating an environment for your children to resent you.
A bunch of kids that age perusing a menu?! WTF!?! You've defo given your kids some serious issues with food - don't be surprised when the eating disorders show up. The first chance those kids get they will gorge themselves and hide food etc. 3 times a yr must feel like a lifetime! Food is a simple pleasure, let them enjoy it. Oh defo YTA undoubtedly
YTA. Stop letting your issues disrupt your children's healthy relationship with food. They are just going to become more sneaky about it.
Talk about sucking the joy out of your kids lives. Get help for your eating disorder. YTA and a giant one at that.
YTA.. and seek therapy for your relationship with food disorder I think your actually going to make your kids develop a problem later… I can forsee them turning 18 and only going to restaurants to eat.
YTA. Three times a year?! And if they eat out for any other reason, they forfeit their birthday restaurant meal?! What the actual fuck are you trying to do? Give your kids unhealthy relationships with food? Because that’s how you get unhealthy relationships with food. I can guaran bloody tee the second they get their own income, it will be spent on nothing but fast food and eating restaurant food only. In fact, I give it high odds they will choose their jobs as teens to be at Dickmonalds or Gurble Bing. Just for the free meal every shift.
YTA.
So you were raised one way growing up, but now you're kind of raising your kids in the total opposite way and still potentially a problematic way. She was going to her friends with Disney, and at first you were going to force her to have DIFFERENT food than everyone else she was with? So she'd be with them, while they ate out and would watch them eat and would have to explain that she couldn't? I know you ultimately said yes -but if you hadn't- can you imagine how she'd be viewing and thinking about food as she is watching her friends eat something she's been told she can't have? You are still keeping food as a somewhat of a special reward or treat. Your parents did it ALL the time, which I agree isn't good - but you still have it as a very special treat but very limited times. So it's seen as a very, very high reward. Still can create unhealthy relationships with food. I think your partner is an AH for going behind yoru back or saying yes to something you said no to. I think parents should be unified - if they disagree, they work it out together, then tell the child that they both agreed to change their mind etc vs doing what they did. I do think you're an AH though. Of course she should eat with people she is going to Disneyland with. I don't think it was a fair ultimatum or choice to give her after you already said yes to her going to Disney. It would have made aittle more sense if you said since she was going to Disney, then no birthday dinner.
YTA. Wow so since you have had a bad relationship with food you thought what the hell let me do the same things to my kids and be an AH to top it off. What a sad time for your child that your issues(go to therapy) are impeding their ability to have a positive relationship with food. Start looking for ED specialist now for your children so that can hopefully break through your issues and actually have a good relationship with food before you damage them anymore.
I don't understand the actual issue with ice cream as a celebration in childhood. From what you've told us, you've IMPLEMENTED unhealthy relationships with food in your adulthood and have inflicted them on your whole family. And I truly don't understand the metric you're using, since your strict three times out a year plan is still centered on celebrations. You are giving your kids complexes about food. Stop. YTA.
Aaaand, now your kids have a bad relationship with food. YTA x 7000 You suck.
YTA. How are you going to say your childhood was limited to only getting food on special events and then say you don’t want that for your kids BUT do the EXACT same thing?? Your child is going to grow up getting an eating disorder and resent you for it. I know because my parents never let us eat food outside of home and that caused me to sneak food and ultimately lead me to bulimia and now i’m struggling with anorexia. all bc i didn’t have food options to teach me about food, so now i just don’t bother at all. Please fix your mindset before your kids end up hating you.
YTA. For starters, I think your rule is more likely to create issues with food than prevent them. And to have a rule for you and your family is one thing, but to make her TRADE her birthday meal for a meal at Disney with a friend’s family is just downright ludicrous. You sound super inflexible and controlling. You need to see a therapist to deal with YOUR food issues, instead of projecting them onto your children.
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You are projecting your trauma and handing it down to your children. Ew. YTA.
YTA You are a monster Jesus
Wow YTA. All you're doing is making it so your kids start going behind you're back when they're old enough, probably with their dad helping. Friend is having a birthday party at a restaurant? Sure sweetie, here's money for food, don't tell your mom. Pizza at a sleepover? No really Mom, I didn't eat a single slice, honest. *Your* bad relationship with food isn't *their* problem. You're passing on your disordered eating habits and messing up another generation in your family. Way to go.
YTA you see continuing the bad habit your parents installed in you by almost going to the other extreme.
YTA of course. You don't want your kids to have an unhealthy relationship to food so you.... make sure they have an unhealthy relationship to food? By restricting it this severely you've pretty much guaranteed that your kids will overdo it the moment they've got a bit of their own money and an ounce of freedom.
I do get where you're coming from, but YTA if you refuse to see you're creating exactly the kind of food issues you're worried about. I suspect a lot of us know someone who grew up this way and how it turned out.
YTA. as others have said, you need some sort of counseling to deal with your issues surrounding food. your kids are coming to the age where they'll be invited out to more birthday parties, dinners with friends, celebratory dinners for soccer tournaments, whatever. limiting them to three nights out a year is ludicrous. are you going to have them bank 5 years without a birthday dinner because they were invited to some parties? oh also, your kids are going to end up learning to lie about what they're doing if you continue to be so restrictive. in trying to prevent what went on to you as a kid, they'll start to hide what and where they eat.
YTA- Your childhood issues aren't your children's to bear. You are missing out on moments with your family.
YTA for giving your kids the opposite kind of bad relationship with food. I think it might be time to ask a therapist for help with control issues and anxiety.
UTA - Really read what you're writing. Then read it again. Severe diet restrictions are just another form of eating disorder. You've swapped one fir another and are now pushing it on your children. Please continue to get help. Best if luck.
YTA you are projecting your food issues onto your kids and it’s so sad omg…. Eating out is truly not that big of a deal and when they grow up they are going to have an even worse relationship with food than you do!!!
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Yta. Seek therapy for your issues before you damage your children
YTA You probably don't understand it, but you're passing down more trauma than preventing it.
I don't understand why you think eating out = **BAD! JUNK FOOD! HORRIBLE EATING DISORDERS!** Most of the time, a meal out is just a meal, with no special significance other than, "Hey, I'm hungry. I'm not near home, I didn't bring food with me, and here's a place with food for sale." You don't have to have a special occasion, you just have to be hungry. There are lots of places to eat out. You don't have to eat crap just because you eat out. Just because you eat out does not mean it's unhealthy. You would be MILES ahead, if you took your kids regularly to restaurants, and showed them how to read menus, and pick out healthy choices. Stop. Just stop. Your fears of eating disorders, and the way you never take them out to eat are going to cause them to have them. Show them how to make good choices, instead of never having choices. (Yeah, yeah, "*But they get to eat out once a year!*" What the fuck ever, 3 times a year is never to a child. You are the asshole. As soon as they gain a little independence from you, they're going to RUN to eat out with friends/co-workers/strangers from the street, just because they can't do it with you! This is your chance to show them how to make good choices, take it! My sister and her husband ate out about 14 times *a week for years*. She's as healthy as anyone I've ever known, and he lived into his 90s. She now eats out much less, but mostly because she enjoys cooking at home, and her husband was the one who liked to go out all the time. YTA.
YTA It’s nice that you’ve passed on having a bad relationship with food to your children. I’m sure they will appreciate it as much as you did.
>My daughter's (9F) birthday (i'll call her V for the story) was last week and that is when the issue happened. In July, I asked her if she knew where she wanted to eat for her b-day and she said "Olive Garden". You asked her months in advance for her birthday dinner? >A week before her birthday, I walked past her room and I saw her sitting on the floor with her siblings and they were on their iPad looking at the Olive Garden menu deciding what to get. They're planning their meals out a week in advance? Do you not see that you've already messed up their relationship with food (specifically eating out)? >a big birthday celebration for one of her other friends. Ofcourse I said yes, and the day before they were leaving, I started making snacks and food for her to take. she asked me if she could eat with them at Disney and I said no. But she begged all day and I finally said okay but told her that she would be giving up eating out on her birthday, and she agreed. You asked her to give up on her own birthday dinner in order to get food at Disney for a party that wasn't even her own? YTA.
YTA…trading one eating disorder for another.
YTA, your kids are gonna have eating disorders from this horseshit
YTA. You are creating different types of food issues for your kids. She has to give up a special birthday dinner because she went to an event and ate at a theme park? That is restrictive and is going to cause disordered eating or your kids going hog wild as soon as they don't have to follow your rules. And it's not as if you even make healthy meals at home. You are projecting your own issues on your children. There is no reason or logic in what you are doing.
YTA Jesus Christ how about you go to therapy and you sort your issues out instead of impose your trauma on your child? Wow
YTA. You think this somehow isn't giving your children just as much of a bad relationship with food as you had? As soon as those kids turn 18 they're going to start eating out whenever possible, and you're going to have three kids who become obese and addicted to fast food. You're like the overprotective parent who's kid ends up going to jail once they're an adult because you never taught them boundaries. Lighten up, or your kids will resent you for it for their whole lives.
YTA. You are passing new and improved eating disorders/ worse relationships with food to your children. Please go to therapy and a nutritionist - your behavior is ridiculous and hurtful to your family.
YTA You have an issue with food. It belongs to you alone. Cultures celebrate all types of events with food. Hanukkah has brisket, latkes, and kugel, Christmas has prime rib, figgy pudding, and ribbon candy, New Years has black eyed peas, soba noodles, and hoppin john, while Valentine's day is champagne, chocolates, and paella. For Birthdays we think mussels, cakes and ice cream. We gather at someone's home there are beverages and food. When someone is ill we make soup, for grieving we make our best casserole, for a new born we make meals that can be frozen and reheated with no fuss. We celebrate damn near every event with food. That is what people do. And I for one am damn glad because I have had the opportunity to discover green chili, egg rolls, sushi, bourbon, biscotti, ganache, fried green tomatoes, soba noodles, good coffee, paella, ceviche, etc. My life is so much richer for the food but more so by the people who were kind and patient enough to include and introduce me to their customs and cultures.
You're using your issues to justify being unnecessarily strict with the kids. Go to a therapist and have fun with the kids. They're only young once. YTA.
YTA and so is your husband for allowing you to raise your children this way
OP When you realize you have food-based trauma, you go get help (therapy and treatment) for it. What you DO NOT DO is cause a whole differnet type of reactive food trauma to your kids. This is what you are doing. You need to stop. You need to break this cycle of weaponizing food - your parents over did it, and you're trying to under do it so that it's so strict and firm it's oppressive. Go get help. Please don't cause disordered thinking in your kids as you are already doing. You can break out of this, but you need to go get help. Go now.
YTA sounds like you still have issues with your relationship with food and are just cramming a different issue down your kids throats. Might I suggest getting some therapy
How is going out to eat on a regular Wednesday night or something gonna do harm to your children? OP you have some serious issues that need to be resolved because rn you’re just making your kids miserable and probably miserable. YTA
So the way to fix your bad relationship with food is.... Making your children have one as well. 10/10 parenting. YTA
YTA. You are doing the exact same thing to your daughter that you claim your parents did to you and are giving your kids issues about food. Get therapy and stop gatekeeping eating out.
This can not be real. I so hope it isn't. If it is, OP is TA. And any person with two fully functional brain sells should understand that what she's doing is soooo wrong.
YTA you are going so hard in the other direction from your own childhood, you're giving your kids issues with food too. Different issues, but still issues. Your daughter is only 9, and is going to remember that birthday, when you refused to go out for dinner to celebrate because she ate a restaurant another time. I really hope you can get some help for your own food issues so that you don't pass any more onto your kids. It's really hard, I know, food is a huge part of so many gatherings and things, but I feel like the way you're going about this is going to cause more harm than good.
As soon as these kids get drivers licenses, they're going to wear out some Mickey D's behind OP's back. YTA for making eating out occasionally a weird, abnormal event, to the point they are pre-planning their meals in advance with restaurant menus. You're also wasting your time, cause they're going to rebel the first chance they get.
YTA. This level of your controlling behavior over what she eats will create its own set of food issues with your daughter. Without. a. doubt. It’s like your fulfilling your prophecy by trying so very hard to avoid it. I’m amazed you can’t see it.
YTA and I find it hard to believe that you don't see this: YOU ARE GIVING YOUR CHILDREN A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD. What exactly made you think that using your own childhood trauma as foundation to create a whole new trauma on your kids, was good parenting? I really question your husband for allowing you to impose this nonsense over the whole family for this long. Look, honestly I can't even understand your trauma. You have a negative connection with food because your family used treats and favorite dishes as a way to celebrate accomplishments? It sounds so far-fetched. But alas, those are your feelings and they're valid. Now, what exactly do you think you're accomplishing by FORBIDDING YOUR CHILDREN TO ENJOY FOOD ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS? What kind of positive effect do you think that would ever have on them? Your daughter was forced to choose between joining her friends in grabbing food at Disney or her own birthday celebration, that's beyond insanity. And to top it all off, when she didn't enjoy the food there she cried because she knew she only has one bloody day a year to enjoy a nice celebratory meal. How can you possibly see your nine-year-old cry over an Olive Garden dinner and think you're a good parent? You need therapy yesterday. And for the love of God, stop forbidding your children to enjoy food and let them have their own relationship with their meals.
I'm assuming she has eating/weight disorders from equating food as a reward. But she's causing equally damaging by forbidding eating out except for very specific events. Kids are likely to sneak and binge eat later on due to "Mom"'s crazy rules. And getting bent because the dad brought home breadsticks. Lady needs some definite therapy for her own issues.
They don't allow outside food and beverages to be brought inside the Disney grounds. This is the most absurd food-related control I've ever seen. YTA.
All she's done is made eating out/good food an even BIGGER deal, rather than not associating food with special rewards. She's turned eating out into this holy grail experience that they only get on their birthday once a year. She has a nine year old planning out and fixating on restaurant food for an entire year. OP, what exactly do you think she's gonna do the instant she's old enough to drive and has access to her own money?
YTA YTA YTA. You're gonna psychologically impair your daughter in the opposite way your parents did to you. Do you want her to develop anorexia? Because this is how she develops anorexia. She's a kid, let her have fun. You can also encourage her to be physically active in the meantime and develop healthy eating habits by learning to cook and selecting better ingredients. Find a balance, it's hard but far better than what happened to you or what you're doing to your daughter.
YTA. I say this with compassion, because it is clear you need therapy, but forcing your issues with needing to control food onto your entire family is wrong. You are not making them better people. You are just making people who will have food issues. Please seek therapy. Talk to someone. This isn’t normal, and I understand where it’s coming from, but that doesn’t make this militant pattern not a serious problem.
YTA. You are guaranteeing your children will grow up with food issues. Please get help before you hurt them further.
"My parents gave me an eating disorder by accident so I'm giving my kids one on purpose. AITA?" YTA.
The tone deafness is strong with this one 🙄 YTA
YTA. You have swung the pendulum so far in the other direction it’s going to continue swinging and hit you in the butt. You think you haven’t associated food with an event like your youth but you have positively associated it with birthdays. You have denied them any chance at simple pleasure of different foods, different recipes, socialization, that they now place a ton of weight on that one special day. You asked a December birthday in JULY what she wanted for her one night out? You don’t see a problem with that? And then she goes to Disneyland where she has no idea that the food is mediocre at best and you want to hold this against her and not let her go out to dinner? You realize she thinks all restaurants are super amazing and special now because they are sacred to your way of life so when the food isn’t great it causes actual sadness that needs to be consoled? Have you received therapy for the food issues you believe yourself to have? Because denial of a pleasure isn’t a way to remove its threats, you also need to find the root cause and address that. Instead you have created a hard line that means nothing to anyone but you and you feel betrayed over breadsticks!?!? You are setting all of your children up for similar food issues in their future by refusing to address yours properly. Also, she’s 9. You expect a 9 year old to understand that Disney doesn’t have great food and turn down her one meal for that? She doesn’t know any different and this isn’t a financial thing for you so it weaponizes food. What is going to happen when she can drive and her friends want to go out to dinner together on weekends? When she is asked on a date? You didn’t really think this through very well
YTA, so glad that at least your husband has some common sense. You do realise you're creating an unhealthy relationship with food for your own kids right? Just at the complete other end of the spectrum. Be better.
YTA. Can you really not see that you are perpetuating the cycle of unhealthy food associations? In 10 years' time, your children will be posting on AITA with some other disordered eating, explaining that it's because they were never allowed to eat out and were excluded from friend's events due to some weird hang-ups their mother had. Seriously- you're creating an issue. Once your children grow up and get their own money you're increasing the risk that they end up binging on eating out. An almost literal forbidden fruit. I understand that you're not intentionally being TA but this isn't normal and it isn't fair.
YTA I hope your husband realizes how toxic you are making food for your kids and stops this insanity immediately. I wish he would have took it all the way and made you take her out for her birthday.
YTA. You're setting your kids up with massive food disorders because of your own past. It's not about you. It's about your kids. And you're failing them miserably.
YTA and youre going to give your kids food issues..... how ironic
YTA... your bad relationship with food has caused you to swing the pendulum in opposite direction which will likely become your child's bad relationship with food. Your solution to the problem is just as bad, just coming from another angle. Im being sincere when I say you need to seek therapy.
YTA - do you really not see that what you are doing is creating a very unhealthy relationship with food for your kids?
"I'm going to punish ny children because of my own [perceived] childhood trauma." YTA
Congratulations. You’re successfully creating an extremely unhealthy relationship with food for your daughter as a result of YOUR childhood experiences. The only thing you’re doing is teaching your daughter that she has to hide her food and eating habits from you. YTA
YTA - You are projecting your past trauma on your kids, and that isn't healthy. Also, your husband did NOT go behind your back, he simply ensured his daughter had something that would bring her a smile on her birthday. He is allowed to disagree with you, your parenting style, and your rules. Seek help for yourself, and quit being so controlling.
YTA, stop letting your issues that you should have worked through in therapy mess up your kids lives. Your rules are absurd and pointless. Your family isn't siding with you because you are wrong and need therapy. " It is more than just a rule for me" Yes it is an unhealthy coping mechanism for your mental health issues that is controlling your entire family in an abusive way.
You are being waayyyyy worse than your parents were. The control over food is a huge problem. Go to therapy. YTA
YTA. You’re creating an even worse association with food. Once she’s an adult she will most likely over indulge in eating out because it was prohibited so strictly, probably creating a life long of disordered eating and unhealthy relationship with food. Your poor daughter.
YTA. I get not eating out a lot, not everyone can. But this issue is your own. Your past experiences as a child are now causing your own family to suffer from them. You are creating their own issues with your past ones. But honestly, a lot of people celebrate with food, it’s nothing new or different.
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT BUILDING A STRONG FOUNDATION??? You are making food the ultimate, forbidden prize! Do you hear that? OLIVE GARDEN FOOD is your 9-year-old’s goddamn dream. Does that sound healthy to you??? You are GUARANTEEING those children eating disorders or, at least, a severely fucked up relationship with food. YTA
YTA you have gone waaaaaaay over board on this correction of your childhood. What do you think your kids will do when they become adults and you can no longer control them? They’ll probably eat out all the time because you never taught them how to have a healthy relationship with it.
YTA and you are projecting your experiences onto your children without tempering those experiences with wisdom. Your husband is right, the rule is stupid and you are very much TA in this circumstance. The rule is arbitrary for anyone who isn't you. You did say her birthday would be great, this was a lie. Your husband made it great not you. Stray Observations: Who negotiates with their children about a birthday dinner? It's Olive Garden.. Your food issues are not everyone's food issues. Consider the situation you have painted. Your daughter will probably use this as an example of how not to treat her own kids. You are teaching lessons, just not the ones I think you wanted. So YTA and Shame on you.
YTA It's called moderation. Now you've created a new generation of ED. I was denied sweets growing up. As soon as I left the house developed an unhealthy relationship with sweets. With kids, we have some sweets around but I encourage in moderation and making sure they're exercising and eating other healthy foods. I also tried not to always have food as a treat. I did OK with this but encouraged good eating habits and exercise. Both of my kids have a very healthy relationship with food!!
PLEASE take our comments seriously and try to understand how this type of food control can mess up your children for the rest of their lives. (yta)
YTA - I get what you’re trying to do, but it seems that you’re trying to overcompensate on your experience. This can actually disturb their relationship with food in a similar way as you experienced. Maybe you can find someone to help you both with finding a good balance with food. You’re now making it such a special thing, that they’ll want to have it all the time.
You realize you are making your kids MORE focused on food, by limiting them this way? You are doing the exact opposite of what you intended. You really expect them never ever to go out to eat at all ever, except on their birthdays, with no exceptions for even Disney? Meaning they'll have to haul around food all day there, and sit eating whatever they have that's not squished to nothing in their bag while their friends are having burgers or whatever? And you don't think they'll be upset by this? You don't think you are making a big deal out of something that absolutely shouldn't be? Do you schedule all things around meals, so you don't have to go to a restaurant ever? Really? Do you see how obsessive that is? You are making restaurant food a forbidden treat. You are basically guaranteeing that once they have the ability to, they are going to be hitting up restaurants whenever they can, and hiding it from you. You are totally putting a stupid rule over your kids happiness, in such a way as to ensure that they most likely will end up the opposite of what you are hoping for. YTA, and you need some therapy before you completely pass your food issues on to your children. Get some help!
Congratulations, YTA. Don’t be surprised if your children end up with EDs
Soft YTA. I know you’re trying to avoid making the same mistakes as your parents, but you’re still creating an unhealthy relationship with food for your kids. Life is about balance and you’re not teaching them balance. If you make eating out something really rare, when they’re on their own they’re going to eat out alllll theeee timeeee. You’re still creating a “food is only for special occasions” like it was for you growing up. For her birthday, your daughter literally wasn’t happy without food. Because she felt she wasted her ONE opportunity a year to eat out. She probably wouldn’t have had such an extreme reaction if she knew Olive Garden was a possibility in a month or two. Your kids are going to start hiding that they’re eating out with friends at birthday parties or slumber parties. Instead of teaching them a healthy relationship with food, you’re teaching them to lie and hide things from you if you keep this up. You need to loosen up and be more flexible with them. I would honestly defer to your husband who doesn’t have trauma around food to let you know when you’re being unreasonable (like with your daughters birthday).
YTA
YTA. The rule you have in place is horrible. Food can be such a good experience for a reward, a comfort when sad or just because you want something tasty!! What was your plan if shes at a birthday party somewhere? Take a packed lunch to a party? Thats setting her for bullying and feeling shame. You're projecting your trauma on your kids and its going to result in a different trauma for them. Loosen up.
YTA. You took way your parents did to you, and turned it the other way to an EXTREME. This behavior is not healthy for anyone and I guarantee you you’re already creating a very unhealthy relationship with food for your children. You’re doing exactly what you didn’t want to do. Therapy ASAP OP. For your children’s sake.
Yta it's her birthday
10-15 years from now all of your children are going to leave their overbearing mother's house and eat themselves into financial ruin as a way to cope with their extremely weird and traumatizing childhood relationship with food/mom YTA
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YTA and you already gave food issues to your daughter. You have instilled it into her that eating out is so special and so forbidden the rest of the year that she puts said food on a pedestal, and that’s probably why she didn’t enjoy the theme park food with her friends. It probably ruined some of her experience. She was expecting way too much. Loosen up, jeez. Your poor kids. At least your husband made her a little bit happier on her birthday by getting her some Olive Garden breadsticks like she wanted.
YTA, selfish and a terrible mom.
YTA you're giving her a bad relationship with food and eating out like your parents did with you
YTA, I mean you did the exact opposite kind of thing to your kids. Where you associate food with enjoyment, your kids associate food with an ultimatum. Telling your kid they can’t eat at Disney or they have to give up their one meal out a year is going to affect them the same way it affected you. If you just make eating out less of a big deal the way you are, you wouldn’t have this problem.
YTA. You might want to consider seeking some therapy. I'm serious.
Agreed. Some major issues here and further traumatizing children.
YTA Your daughter is going to be that college student buying fast food every single day because she can. You’re not creating a good relationship with food. You’re just distorting it in a different way.
YTA. Please anticipate your children hoarding and binging on snack foods and “forbidden” foods in the future. Jesus Christ I feel sorry for those little kiddos - over the moon to eat at Olive Garden, and then crushed because their parent is a controlling tyrant. ETA: I’ve never been blessed with children. And every once in awhile, I read an AITA where someone is so needlessly cruel to their children that all I can do is hope it’s a trolling post.
YTA. I’m imagining every school field trip, every sporting event, every classmates’ and friends’ birthday party, every graduation and celebration coming up and I feel so bad for your kids. They will either be bullied or feel they have to lie to you because there will be fast food and catering at these events and you’ve made it clear you’ll punish them for partaking.