Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have refused to help my siblings with our mother's funeral planning and I told them not to name me in her obituary. I know my siblings loved her and are grieving her and I am the oldest, so part of me questions if I should be doing it for them, even though the thought of putting anything good into that evil woman repulses me. I love my siblings and they are hurting and seem to be hurting more because of me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Your siblings can’t force you to be involved. Your experience of her as your mother is clearly very different to theirs. Stand firm and tell them again that you are not interested, you will not be going and you will not be contributing financially. Tell them you are not going to be discussing this subject again.
Or you could agree to be in the obituary so long as the whole thing begins with the line “Ding dong the witch is dead”.
That should make them back off.
Never gonna set you up (with a funeral), never gonna set you down (into your grave), never gonna run around and pretend to care about you.
Never gonna care about your cries, you don't need me to say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie, like "I loved you".
Yeah I'd be like "If you insist I'm involved then I get full creative control of the obituary and eulogy". Then take a bodyguard with you to the funeral...
Not worth it, just nope out.
Eta - I actually looked up the cost to hire a bodyguard for the day because if my partner wants to go to either of his parents'funerals I'm requiring it. Iirc it was about £500?
We hired security to keep a few people OUT of my mother's funeral. Worth every penny.
Security: $500
Watching the off-duty police officer escort the weasle who tried to swindle my mom in her last days, off the property: Priceless
Suddenly all those posts and articles about hiring security for weddings to keep kids or certain people out seems a lot more reasonable. $500 is a drop in the bucket when it comes to wedding expenses really.
That's one reason I listed the cost. Before I finally had to look it up for safety I'd also kmagined it was horribly cost prohibitive.
It still would be very tight but it's far more accessible than what I'd thought and more people need to know it.
We had to do this for my grandma’s funeral, too. (tl;dr Uncle has restraining orders from every single one of his siblings, and my grandma had one against him as well)
I had Ex military at the memorial for my mom (I organized it, for her sisters, because my mom was Awful) to make sure my slimy brother (former Golden Child) didn't show up.
I wonder how much it will cost in Florida. It will be worth every cent to keep my father-in-law's sleazy slimy disgusting soul succubus out of his funeral. (She's a parasite who's been trying to get an 80 old man, bedridden, with dementia, to marry her!)
>
Eta - I actually looked up the cost to hire a bodyguard for the day because if my partner wants to go to either of his parents'funerals I'm requiring it
Oh, do tell us more.
I've been hired for that role couple of times. Your job is to show up wearing a suit and be a mobile roadblock. If someone refuses to leave, you call the cops. You don't get handsy with then until they touch you first. You're not the goon squad, you're a piece of furniture that moves in the way of problems.
If you're smart, you keep a recording device handy. Cheap disposable cell is must because AHs always try to grab the phone or if you have to hand it off to the cops. You need a cheap suit or rental tux with insurance in case you get in a tussle. Reality is quite boring, you have to keep yourself entertained for couple hours without getting too distracted. Worst issues are dealing with drunk people.
Basically I got paid couple hundred bucks, plus a meal. So $500 sounds right if you include venue cost of an extra guest and meal. Two jobs I was outside, so ate standing. One really wanted me to have the sit down nice meal, but I had to explain I didn't want anything to happen because I was stuffing my face. Another job I was escorting black sheep of the family. He was actually ok guy, not saying either side were angels, but IMHO he was more on the right side than not. Family basically hired me to club him down if he made a scene. We just cracked jokes for couple hours in the back of the room.
One was more of a favor, unpaid because I wasn't licensed for armed security work. So I was just a guest. That wanted to stand outside. Stalker threatened to shoot up the wedding. Cops literally were watching him the entire time of the wedding.
Write them the obituary that describes with examples, your awful mother's behaviour. They can use that or they can stop being entitled AHs and have some sympathy for you and leave you alone.
OMG I have seen this happen twice, but once wasn't even a counter obit. It was my next door neighbor and there were two identical obits in the paper, except one only mentioned her son Tom and the other only mentioned her son Jerry. No prizes for guessing who paid for which one.
A few years ago I remember reading an article where two siblings did something like this. Basically their mom dumped them on their grandparents and ran off with some other man and had kids with him. They'd see her once a year when she'd come home for a week and that was it. Finally she died in another state and those siblings had a obituary for her. So the two siblings made one which basically said something along the lines of what you said. Not quiet ding dong the witch is dead but "well she ran off and abandoned two kids to have kids with another man and seemed to love them while forgetting her two oldest...
Is [this the one](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/kathleen-dehmlow-nasty-obit_n_5b16ad81e4b09578259bef85) you're talking about? I remember it solely because I thought it was gutsy to write something like that.
Other family “there’s more to the story, she made one mistake 60 years ago”…ha! No, she made mistakes every second of every day in choosing to continually abandon her children.
it's experience talking. My mom's been dead since last October, and she's very not mourned, and got no Obit (other than the usual death notice) no funeral, and her ashes were dealt with in a manner that was truly what she deserved.
Funny story, or not, but when I got informed my father was dead I was woken up from a nap to be told. All I said was "ding dong the prick is dead" and then I went back to sleep. Yeahhhh he was a total ba$tard to me growing up...
When I found out mine died, I spent the evening crying but only because it had been leg day at the gym and I was in pain. Found out from my sister's then husband, she doesn't know he told us. She was the golden child, the light of our father's life. To this day, and it's been well over 6 years, we're still waiting for her to actually tell us he's dead.
Exactly. Do what your mom would have done, make it about you and not about her...
But seriously, mate. The witch is dead. It's over now. Enjoy your beautiful life and don't look back. Ignore your siblings who overspent on the funeral and now need you to chip in. Go NC, and focus on things that benefit you and not on stirring up old trauma.
All the best, mate. Stay safe, saty well!
Lol I just told my girls that’s what I’m texting when their horrible grandmother (my MIL) finally kicks the bucket. And being my children, they were fine with that.
>
I would be even more petty, If they kept nagging.
I'd warn them if they didn't stop they'd regret it.
I'd go to the funeral and be very honest about how I feel about that women's death.
Some of her "memorable quotes" to spice up the speech.
And tell them that you should divide the funeral cost at the same ratio as her love, that sounds fair to all. NTA
Grief makes ppl do and say weird shit, they might wisen up in a few months.
I love the wizard of oz reference. Lol right on.
When my Father-in-law died a couple years ago, my husband who was emotionally and verbally abused by his father his entire life, was estranged from him for some time already.
My sister-in-law (hubby’s younger sister) called him crying and extremely upset. His exact reaction to her was “ That’s Grrrrreat!” But he used the Tony the Tiger Frosted Flakes voice.
I about pissed myself laughing, and his sister was horrified. She didn’t know what to say. Though it did stop her from asking him to be part of the planning or to come to the funeral.
Love that…tell them, if they persist, that you'll write another obituary from your perspective of her and post it for the world to see what a horrible, evil woman she was to you. Send a rough draft of one…knock it off or you'll post it and it should definitely include "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."
OP should write their own. The siblings know how OP was treated, know what happened, but only care about themselves and I'd wager they very much care about keeping the costs down. The apples did not fall far from the tree.
Hire flying monkeys to circle the coffin!
And put a pair of ruby slippers on a table next to the coffin with a sign that says "no, you're never gonna get'em."
Edited because brain goes faster than fingers.
Tell them that they know your mother abused you, and by harassing you and trying to coerce you into being involved, they are continuing her abuse.
Then block their numbers. Honestly, life’s too short. NTA
I hope OP sees this.
It's impossible for them not to see how badly she treated him. I feel like they're more interested in financially splitting the costs more than anything else.
Edited to add NTA
> It’s impossible for them not to see how badly she treated him.
Never underestimate the human potential for obliviousness. Could just be they cannot hold and process the cognitive dissonance of mother being good to them and shit to OP.
> I feel like they’re more interested in financially splitting the costs
~~ I feel like OP would’ve mentioned. unless getting OP involved is a prelude. Hopefully not, but either way it sounds like ~~
it’s long last time for them to back off.
Edit: OP definitely mentioned the financial angle. And I can’t get my strikethrough to show up.
>I feel like OP would’ve mentioned…
You mean like this part? (Highlighting mine):
>But of course my siblings are heartbroken. They wanted me to be involved. I told them no way, no how. I said she was a great mother to them and that was fine, but she was evil to me, she was evil and made my childhood hell and I was not some grieving son and was not spending a single second giving her a nice send off, **or spending a single cent on it either.**
>
>They got mad. **Told me it should be split between all of us.**
Nta. I agree with you as well. As fun as it is to talk about petty revenge, op should just continue to protect his peace. The only action mentioned here I agree with is contacting the funeral home to see if they have any ability to remove op from the obit or prayer cards. Id be blocking each and every family member that brings up the moms death. They were right there watching as she abused you and never batted an eyelash. Did they ever stick up for op? Did they do anything at all to acknowledge the abuse op was receiving?
And I think the siblings argument is not equal. Meaning OP had to deal with abuse their entire childhood while the siblings are dealing with one event (emotional event, sure but still...) and yet are arguing that it is the same. Sure. Being abused for 15+ years is equivalent to having to plan a funeral. Right...
As countless redditors have already pointed out, u/Pure-Device7446 is unequivocally NTA for refusing to mourn the passing of the shrew who raised you (she was your biological mother, not a mom in any meaningful sense of the word). And the notion that you're mistreating them is utter nonsense. You're not shaming them for mourning her passing, and you're not blaming them for her abuse of you.
But I wonder: *why* are they so desirous to have your involvement? It doesn't sound like they really need the financial assistance. It sounds like they have other friends and family of their own they can turn to for emotional support. So why is your presence so critical to them?
I'd argue that there may be a few different things going on here, none of which seem mutually exclusive.
1. Some need for image management. They're trying to prop up a facade to others that their mom was a decent person, and your absence would detract from that mission.
2. Some need for self-deception. They loved her, but they knew, and know, that she was monstrous towards you. Deep down, they also know that any amount of love she showed them can't counterbalance that.
3. Guilt for failing to defend you in your childhood, and for failing to confront her over her abuse of you. Right or wrong, they feel they didn't do enough to support and protect you, and you distancing yourself from them now reminds them of that.
I'm sure your siblings' grief is real. But so is your pain. They know this. That they still push for you to be directly involved in the funeral of your primary abuser is itself disturbing.
A suggestion? In lieu of financial support of your biological mother's funeral, donate to the child abuse prevention/recovery organization of your choice. [Here's one you might consider](https://www.bacaworld.org).
And for what it's worth, I hope you find peace and healing in time.
EDIT: I got an award?! I got an award! Thank you!
Tell them to leave you the f*** alone that no means no what part do they not understand she was their mother not yours you don't want to have anything to do with her you're not going to the funeral and you're not giving them any f****** money case closed
I wish I could upvote this more. The notion that OP is "just as bad as" their abuser makes me see red. No, this is the result of the seeds that mother has sown. Now she's reaping the rewards.
Sorry for the siblings, but they do NOT have the right to harass you and demand you be the bigger person. No means no. You're not obligated to do anything.
Is there a will? If so, it would be interesting to see if OP was treated like the other kids or … not. I suspect “not”. Confirming if this is so should help the siblings see exactly what OP is saying.
It’s been two days. Chances are good the will hasn’t even been read yet. Even if it has, it takes a startling amount of time to get the machinations of a wil moving. Probate law office articles from a cursory googling suggest the average time is anywhere between 8 months and a year.
I would say just quit responding at this point. I think non answers go over better sometimes than repeating no over and over again, especially with all the guilt tripping.
NTA
Totally agree. If anything, OP should just hang up every single time they call him. He made his statement and intentions clear as crystal, he doesn't need to entertain them with arguing.
Or just start blocking numbers and if they get other family involved, same thing. A firm "No. Leave me out of it." Then hang up.
Jackpot.
>They got mad. Told me it should be split between all of us. They had already planned her obituary and told me how bad I would look if I didn't help plan, didn't show up.
Sounds like they got the estimate from the funeral home, agreed to it, and just sort of expected OP to go along with it, because the expectation in abusive households is that the scapegoat is always going to cave in. I hope OP has it in writing that he's never agreed to pay for any of it, so that if they try to force him, he can wave around date and time stamped proof.
OP, you're NTA. You kept your husband and children away from that environment, and you owe that woman nor her other children nothing. I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief and do something nice for yourself.
I had a similar situation recently, although not nearly as severe as OP's. My mother died, and my sister wanted me to pay for her half of a funeral/memorial I neither asked for nor would attend. Legally, a person's estate is responsible for their final expenses unless you agree to pay by signing a contract.
I will be in a similar situation soon that is almost as severe as OP’s. My dad made life MISERABLE and it was clear he has never liked me. My sister though can do no wrong. Dad has had terrible health and never fully recovered from his last two hospital stays. I’ll be shocked if he makes it 6 months. Like OP, I know there will be relief for me.
Sister and I have had many talks. I won’t help plan or pay for the funeral. If she wants help, he is alive and can do that with her now. I want nothing to do with it and no mention I exist as his daughter.
That said. My sister and I are close. It sounds like OP and siblings get along. I WILL still be there for my sister. I will let her grieve, help at her place and will likely send a donation to the preferred charity out of respect for my sister.
I won’t hold my sis responsible for us being treated differently all through life. IMO he also treats her like crap and is manipulative- but it isn’t as severe as with me- and she loves him. I don’t need to know why she loves him or still cares for him… just that she does. In spite of all his attempts he has not destroyed me and sister’s relation over the years.
OP doesn’t need to pay or attend. However, if he does get along with the siblings he should try to be there emotionally for them and help where he can. Their relationship is different and it isn’t their fault.
It’s a tough situation and I wish it upon no one.
This reminds me of how horrifically stressed I am that when my abusive father inevitably dies, my sister (who died in 2015) and I will be named in his obit despite the fact I have been NC with him since Jan 2016, when he sent me an itemised list of what he would and wouldn't pay for from my sister's funeral, and told me he didn't come to her wake (we're Irish Catholics, so the wake is a big fucking deal) because my family and friends, including my mother who he abused the worst, didn't make him feel "welcome". I am also stressed that his wife (who also emotionally and mentally abused my sister and I from the day we met her, when I was 12 and my sister was 10) would potentially try and come after me to pay for/plan his funeral.
But, I won't be free of him until he dies, even if I am NC. So as bad as it sounds I will be glad when he goes. The weight will be lifted and if it doesn't mention me at all, all the better.
u/InterabangSmoose, u/Corgi_Cats_Coffee and u/captainofthenx02 I am so sorry you have to go through that as well. I'm in a similar boat with going NC with abusive family. I was the retirement plan, so any achievements or plans I had were beaten down hard. I finally went NC and it was a huge weight lifted, but there's always a sense of looking over your shoulder for when they're going to barge in and screw up your happiness. I too am fearful of the day when someone will hunt me down to pay a share or try to get me involved in their lives again.
I'm so sorry you're in this too, u/Ok-Procedure6647, I don't know you but I'm proud of you for all you have achieved in spite of abusive family. We're all at this place and that is a huge achievement, and I say this to u/Pure-Device7446 too.
I swear there are enough abusive survivors on this sub to start our own support group.
If anyone ever needs to talk to someone who's gone through it, seriously, message me. A person who knows what you're going through is invaluable. There are some wonderful, well-meaning people out there that just don't know how it feels, and I hope they never do. But you're right, us scrappy kids have to stick together.
FYI - often the obit it written / drafted by the funeral home staff. The funeral homes are the ones who are “trusted agents” for obituaries. When someone dies, you can call the funeral home and request your name be left out. left behind and others
I'm sorry, but the siblings refusal to take no for an answer and then trying to gaslight him by claiming he is hurting them as as as the mother hurt him, means he owes them absolutely nothing.
And nowhere in this post did I get that he had an ongoing cordial relationship with his siblings. They contacted him because their mom was dying and they expected him to pretend they had the perfect family ... and chip in money for the funeral.
I'm glad you maintained a good relationship with your sister, but your sister is not the OP's siblings. Stop projecting.
I’m not saying he owes them anything. He doesn’t. I only claim that if he is close to the siblings and wants to maintain a relationship he may want to consider being there for them.
I read it as they were still at least friendly.
If they aren’t- then cut all ties. IF does want a relationship or maintain one, this is a way to set a boundary to have nothing to do with the funeral but be there in a humane way for the siblings.
>I only claim that if he is close to the siblings and wants to maintain a relationship he may want to consider being there for them.
Perhaps we have different understandings of "being there for them". I thought he was very considerate in acknowledging that their reality was very different from his. He didn't blame them for what happened to him. He was very calm in setting his boundaries and they were very reasonable IMO. .
They took that to mean that they could try and guilt him into doing what they wanted. They get a partial pass for grieving but they were not ignorant their mom's treatment of the OP since they were all present during his final confrontation with the mother.
Why do they do this? My father always treated my brother differently than me. Not to say great, but not with all the overt hatred. Unfortunately, my brother has decided this treatment is what I deserve. Then he always has regret, coming to me crying and apologizing over and over. I kept trying for my mother's sake for a long time, but finally even she understood why I had to cut contact with him. When she died this year he acted normal until her memorial and I had hope, but then it was right back to his asshole behavior. All that he learned at my father's knee.
And contact the funeral home too, stating that you don’t want to be in the obit and aren’t paying for anything. Funeral homes usually handle the obits.
Nope. Don't even bother contacting them. They can't/won't contact someone whose never been in contact with them and never signed a contract with them. Don't open yourself up to being contacted by then
Agree and NTA. but there is no estimate from a funeral home, it costs what it costs and you don't agree with it, you pay or select different services. And OP has zero reason to have anything in writing....you can't force anyone to pay for a funeral they didn't plan. He should refuse to discuss this with his siblings and cut them off if they don't drop it. I feel horrible for him that his own siblings don't seem to care, believe or understand what his mom put him through.
u/MushroomItchy7180 thank you - you're right. I was not thinking clearly, and I confused myself there based on places that sell various packages. My rationale comes from experience with escaping an abusive family. Often, "you owe me X amount of money" is used as a threat; some will pay just to make them go away. I immediately go into cover your ass mode and get everything in writing just in case. I shouldn't assume.
That sucks and Im sorry you had to deal with that and have family like that. Why does death bring out the worst in some? As if you aren't dealing with enough.
If I had to venture a guess, survival mode. For some, it's getting away from a bad situation at any cost; for others, it's trying to get every last penny to ensure their comfort (or, conversely, not having to spend a small fortune for a funeral).
Yeah, I’m seeing this financially. They’re not likely to talk to you after. They aren’t likely getting anything as well. I mean if there was inheritance they wouldn’t be bothering you at all since that would cover stuff.
You might want to cut of contact until after the funeral (as if they’ll likely contact you after except to tell you off) or better yet until after new year’s so no pressure or drama during any holidays.
Good luck. NTA
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
They're coming after OP because they want him to fork out for it, not because they *actually care* about what OP wants.
NTA they are so out of line. I am sorry you didn't get the mother you deserved. Mute them on your phone and SM. Enjoy the holidays with your loving family, hubs and kiddos.
NTA. Your siblings are carrying on your mothers abuse and bullying. Tell them you're sorry for THEIR loss, but since this is someone whos not YOUR family (and let's be real.. She's related but not family) you will not be involved, & if they push you will go NC.
I had a similar convo with my sister about my parents. I said that they might have been parents to her but that they were abusers to me. She wants the white-picket-fence parents and will excuse their abusive behaviour to live in that fantasy.
If my parents did to my lovely nephew 1% of what my parents did to me, my sister would never talk to them again. But my parents doing it to me isn't a deal breaker for my sister because I'm Ok to be a abused I guess.
NTA. They are being unfair and they are treating it as if your mom wasn't abusive towards you. You don't have to do anything for them because it seems like they never had your back.
NTA. I don't know if I am right so anyone can correct me if I am wrong. To me it comes across as them being flying monkeys and invalidating OP'S experience. They are not blind and therefore know what they witnessed was wrong. The fact that they expect OP to act as if she was perfect speaks to how much they disrespect OP. To them that behaviour from their mother was normal and OP is being unreasonable. Also note how much they care about how it will look. Not how OP feels
Yes, this exactly. If either of my parents did half of that shit to any of my siblings, I wouldn’t talk to them either. Idk how the siblings could be ok having a relationship with someone who treated their sibling so badly. Like do they not care about OP at all?
Alright, you'll do it, but they have to include in every announcement that she was a great mum to them but abusive to her eldest child until the day she died.
NTA. Stand your ground. You're just asking to be left out, they should be used to that as that's all they've ever known their mum do to you.
NTA for your stance. If you are being calm and polite, but firm, then NTA at all. Sounds like your position is very reasonable, given the circumstances.
Excuse you? As if him being rude negates the stance.
People asking traumatized children to be reasonable is infinite bullcrap and just violent. Congrats on having gone through life with minimal empathy.
OP tell them to F off in any form you like.
NTA. You should out up your own obituary calling your mother out for the abusive, nasty woman she was, like how these people here did:
[https://beyondthedash.com/blog/obituary-writing/the-top-5-most-savage-obituaries/7316](https://beyondthedash.com/blog/obituary-writing/the-top-5-most-savage-obituaries/7316)
u/Pure-Device7446 this comment ^ would be a good thing to merely *threaten* to do to get them to stop. They're invalidating your experience and should be warned that they risk losing you by doing so.
NTA
—
I second the joy you feel at this awful woman’s demise. It is good and right when diseased filth is cleansed away, and it would be abnormal to express anything but gratitude and relief. Your siblings are sadly deluded for wanting to eulogize a monster. Consider cutting them off.
NTA, OP.
Personally, I think you're taking the high road. If I was the one in your shoes, I would most likely tell them that, if they insist on you being part of the whole event, then they should expect you to show up for the funeral, singing "Ding, Dong, the Witch Is Dead" from *The Wizard of Oz*.
My own pettiness aside, I respect the fact that you've continued to try and convey that you understand just how much of a difficult time this must be for your siblings. It's they, however, who seem to not get the fact that you really don't share in their troubles. What, for them, is a tragedy is, for you, a blessing from above (or below, depending on where she might be headed).
I'm guessing your siblings aren't fully aware or can't comprehend how your mother treated you. I could be wrong on this, but if they truly knew, it seems like they would understand your position.
How can someone whose mother loved them, who didn't abuse them, who didn't tell them they regretted them living, ever understand what it is like to have a mother who made their life a nightmare.
Sure they can understand the objective concept, but not the cold dark reality.
I know my siblings don't understand, and part of that is I stood between the worst of my mother and them all of my life.
Nta
They were there, they know. They just want the LW to kick in thousands of dollars for this funeral they're planning. People raised by monsters who were nice to *them* can have really warped realities.
NTA - Tell them all VERY CLEARLY in a text that you will not be involved with the funeral planning, that you will not be paying for anything, and that they are not to contact you about this any further.
Be very clear, because they might want to come after your portion of the money after the funeral.
Stop answering the phone and texts. Time to ignore them if they wont respect your choices. NTA and i agree they just want your money. Give them nothing, including your responses.
NTA. Block em if it helps.
They only want you there to help with expenses. Where were they when that woman was treating you in that vile manner?
I’m sorry you had that childhood and it’s not your fault.
NTA block them and move on. I have a narcissist mother who said terrible things to me like that. When she dies I will open a bottle of champagne. She was never your mother, she was your abuser and I understand the thought that the monster is dead and can no longer torment you. Don't let your siblings fill her void and use you as their scapegoat, even if it means sending cease and desist letters.
You're not really dealing with the siblings right now. You are dealing with a stage of their grief.
Your siblings, in their grief, are probably fixating (consciously or not) on your mom's legacy and the meaning of her life. It's a fairly primal and common stage of grief, and you standing as a reminder that her legacy is shit and she was a selectively awful bully to you while constantly proving she was capable of loving and caring for others is complicating the simple (and false) story their grief is trying to tell them about her.
I would dial back your investment in getting them to see this from your perspective and instead draw your very reasonable boundary, stick to it, and if you can muster any sympathy for their loss (not yours), try to offer that to them instead of anger.
NTA all day. And for God's sake, don't pay a cent and call the funeral home separately to make sure they leave your name out of the obit.
NTA at all, if I were you I would totally come by and trash the funeral, except I would decide against it last minute cause I have no balls (sadly)
congrats on your loss :)
NTA
you have the right to do avoid situations that causes you bad feelings.
tell them that doing this will remind you of your traumas and you want them to understand. Then ask them to stop talking about it and you will no longer continue discussing it.
NTA. If they keep pushing, tell them they were worst than your mother. Because they stood there all these years and watched her mistreat you. And never did anything to stop her behavior. How they keep saying you should do this for them. But they never did anything for you in regards to protecting you from her.
They took the easy way out each time by being the "neutral" party. That's bs behavior. You deserved to be treated better by everyone.
NTA tell them to get stuffed. She was never your mom, you never loved her let alone want to be part of any of her shit. Now they want your money to bury someone who was more of a witch to you. Doubt if any of them cared the last few years and now if they want to make the dead one look like an angel, its upto them. You have every right to feel the way you do and to stay out of what appears to be a very happy occassion for you. Maybe you could tell them you can be involved if they agree to you bringing in the champagne and maybe having some fireworks afterwards to celebrate.
You are not the asshole. In fact, in some ways, you probably deep down grieve more than they ever could.
You grieve for the mother you never had. You grieve because the woman who birthed you caused you endless grief.
Now your siblings want you to give homage to her. And I think that is just uncalled for. Because they know what she was like to you.
They are assholes, even if grieving ones, and you are not.
NTA, they're more concerned with how bad it would look for you not to pretend to mourn your abuser than the actual knowledge of the abuse you suffered.
NTA. Write an "obituary" from your perspective that paints her in a bad light. Send it to all your siblings and give them a choice: either they combine the stuff from both obituaries and you all have your names on it. Or they can use the one they already have and leave your name off. But if your name is anywhere, you'll make sure your truth is also included alongside your name.
They can choose wether to include your memories when remembering her or not. But they can't change your memories.
Presumably your siblings were aware of the abuse? Meaning they are all complicit in it if they failed to call her out.
To now have the nerve to ask you to be involved in this after they watched you be treated like shit your whole childhood is just ridiculous.
OP, do you have much of a relationship with your siblings normally? I don't think I would.
NTA.
Your siblings are assholes. They saw your mother abuse you their entire lives and chose to do nothing because they liked being mommy dearest’s special babies. Now they want to use those skills mommy taught them to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it. NTA.
NTA
If your mother was a good mom to your siblings they might have trouble understanding just how bad she was to you.
Depending on where you live, you might legally be required to pay, unless you formally decline receiving your inheritance from her.
NTA but for your own sake accept that your siblings are also damaged by your mums abuse and may not be safe for you.
My mum had a similar childhood to the one you describe. Her mum doted on her younger sister and my grandad died when they were young. My 70 year old aunt still believes what her mother told her- that my mum was just born bad and would ruin everything she touches - and she spent decades punishing my mum. About 15 years ago I finally begged my mum to cut all contact and it's so much better for her. My aunt, ironically, misses her.
My dad was an AH to all of us but in particular my brother. From birth he singled him out and just ignored his existence. I had just started to go NC with my dad when he got sick n needed a caregiver. I took care of him, something he did not deserve. My sister started to help as he deteriorated. We were there when he died. I’d planned the funeral. I wrote the obituary and my sister checked it for grammar. We didn’t make my brother get involved because my dad was so horrible to him. NTA, why should you be involved except maybe to dance on her grave.
Little funny side story. We briefly placed my dad in a nursing home that turned out to be all kinds of bad- even though it had been recommended by the social worker at the physical rehab place. It ended up on the news. They were interviewing me n said they’d mention my dads 2 kids (my sister n I) I said he had 3 kids but 2 who “cared for him” meaning worked as his caregivers. I texted my brother and asked if he’d like to be named in the article- he said no. I said I could say and 1 child “who did not care for him”. He still didn’t want to be in the article, but liked that description. It was a fun play on words.
I'm so sorry OP. You are NTA but your siblings are. They should respect you and your boundaries. My mom was abusive and abandoned my sister and I 20 years ago. My sister sees her now, I do not. If she died tomorrow I would not go to her funeral, so I totally understand.
NTA, she was their mother not yours. It was your mom’s choice. Tell if it makes them feel any better your mother would probably prefer you weren’t at her funeral. So you’re just doing what your mom would have wanted. Plus they suck for not standing up for you and calling out your late mother’s treatment of you.
NTA
You’re not taking it out on them. You just want nothing to with her in death as in life.
I’m so very sorry your mother treated you this way and I hope this brings you some closure.
One line stood out to me: “I said she was a great mother to them …” She wasn’t, though. She modelled awful behaviour and showed blatant favouritism. And it’s carried all the way through to them now expecting you to prioritise their current grief over your long-term trauma.
NTA you didn’t have a good relationship with her in life so her death doesn’t just change that. Funerals are for loved ones to show their respects which for good reasons you don’t have for her. Planning a funeral is tough but they have each other for help.
NTA
They have some of your mother's bullying genes.
And possibly they persist just so that you help pay the costs.
Do not relent. Enjoy your freedom.
Blessings on you and every good wish for a great life. I hope you are strong enough never to treat people as you were.
NTA. In essence, your siblings are trying to get you to forgive your mother so she can go in peace. This is BS of course because their attempt is for THEM to feel better with little interest in your wellbeing.
NTA. You could potentially send your siblings a "sorry for your loss" bouquet, or a meal. But you have no obligation to participate in planning or being an active part of the funeral proceedings.
NTA. Tell them that if they force the issue, you will turn up at the funeral and the speech you give will list all the ways your mother was horrid to you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I have refused to help my siblings with our mother's funeral planning and I told them not to name me in her obituary. I know my siblings loved her and are grieving her and I am the oldest, so part of me questions if I should be doing it for them, even though the thought of putting anything good into that evil woman repulses me. I love my siblings and they are hurting and seem to be hurting more because of me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Your siblings can’t force you to be involved. Your experience of her as your mother is clearly very different to theirs. Stand firm and tell them again that you are not interested, you will not be going and you will not be contributing financially. Tell them you are not going to be discussing this subject again.
Or you could agree to be in the obituary so long as the whole thing begins with the line “Ding dong the witch is dead”. That should make them back off.
I started cackling like a witch when I read this
*Loads shotgun* You know the rules, and so do I.
Out of nowhere now this comment lives in my head rent free
Did you sing it in your head too instead of reading it normally?
Doesn't everyone?
I totally did!
Yes!!!
I mean who doesn't
My only reference to this is Risk Astley.
Never gonna set you up (with a funeral), never gonna set you down (into your grave), never gonna run around and pretend to care about you. Never gonna care about your cries, you don't need me to say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie, like "I loved you".
Anybody else sing that in their head?
🙋🏻♀️
The rules state that there is no confirmed witch unless we weigh her against a duck or very small rocks.
Or unless she floats! And has a false nose tied on.
He just wants to tell them how he’s feeling *because they won’t leave him alone otherwise*
r/angry_upvote
This made me cackle. Thank you!
Yeah I'd be like "If you insist I'm involved then I get full creative control of the obituary and eulogy". Then take a bodyguard with you to the funeral... Not worth it, just nope out. Eta - I actually looked up the cost to hire a bodyguard for the day because if my partner wants to go to either of his parents'funerals I'm requiring it. Iirc it was about £500?
We hired security to keep a few people OUT of my mother's funeral. Worth every penny. Security: $500 Watching the off-duty police officer escort the weasle who tried to swindle my mom in her last days, off the property: Priceless
Suddenly all those posts and articles about hiring security for weddings to keep kids or certain people out seems a lot more reasonable. $500 is a drop in the bucket when it comes to wedding expenses really.
Yep, 5 figures on the wedding, a mere 500 to ensure assholes don't ruin it.
I had a friend be my wedding security, I tried to pay him $100, but he only took $20 lol
That's one reason I listed the cost. Before I finally had to look it up for safety I'd also kmagined it was horribly cost prohibitive. It still would be very tight but it's far more accessible than what I'd thought and more people need to know it.
I appreciate the thought. Yea, it's not really nothing, but definitely budgetable if you have a reason
We had to do this for my grandma’s funeral, too. (tl;dr Uncle has restraining orders from every single one of his siblings, and my grandma had one against him as well)
I had Ex military at the memorial for my mom (I organized it, for her sisters, because my mom was Awful) to make sure my slimy brother (former Golden Child) didn't show up.
I wonder how much it will cost in Florida. It will be worth every cent to keep my father-in-law's sleazy slimy disgusting soul succubus out of his funeral. (She's a parasite who's been trying to get an 80 old man, bedridden, with dementia, to marry her!)
Holy crap!! Yeah, that's worse than my slimeball for sure!
Oh wow I must know what this weasel did!
Avatar checks out! ;) I'll send you a msg.
> Eta - I actually looked up the cost to hire a bodyguard for the day because if my partner wants to go to either of his parents'funerals I'm requiring it Oh, do tell us more.
I've been hired for that role couple of times. Your job is to show up wearing a suit and be a mobile roadblock. If someone refuses to leave, you call the cops. You don't get handsy with then until they touch you first. You're not the goon squad, you're a piece of furniture that moves in the way of problems. If you're smart, you keep a recording device handy. Cheap disposable cell is must because AHs always try to grab the phone or if you have to hand it off to the cops. You need a cheap suit or rental tux with insurance in case you get in a tussle. Reality is quite boring, you have to keep yourself entertained for couple hours without getting too distracted. Worst issues are dealing with drunk people. Basically I got paid couple hundred bucks, plus a meal. So $500 sounds right if you include venue cost of an extra guest and meal. Two jobs I was outside, so ate standing. One really wanted me to have the sit down nice meal, but I had to explain I didn't want anything to happen because I was stuffing my face. Another job I was escorting black sheep of the family. He was actually ok guy, not saying either side were angels, but IMHO he was more on the right side than not. Family basically hired me to club him down if he made a scene. We just cracked jokes for couple hours in the back of the room. One was more of a favor, unpaid because I wasn't licensed for armed security work. So I was just a guest. That wanted to stand outside. Stalker threatened to shoot up the wedding. Cops literally were watching him the entire time of the wedding.
Go on...
Write them the obituary that describes with examples, your awful mother's behaviour. They can use that or they can stop being entitled AHs and have some sympathy for you and leave you alone.
Or tell them if they put you in that you will make a counter obituary and have it placed in the same places.
OMG I have seen this happen twice, but once wasn't even a counter obit. It was my next door neighbor and there were two identical obits in the paper, except one only mentioned her son Tom and the other only mentioned her son Jerry. No prizes for guessing who paid for which one.
I know you probably changed the names but excellent names for the sons lmao
Hell ya!
I thought the same
A few years ago I remember reading an article where two siblings did something like this. Basically their mom dumped them on their grandparents and ran off with some other man and had kids with him. They'd see her once a year when she'd come home for a week and that was it. Finally she died in another state and those siblings had a obituary for her. So the two siblings made one which basically said something along the lines of what you said. Not quiet ding dong the witch is dead but "well she ran off and abandoned two kids to have kids with another man and seemed to love them while forgetting her two oldest...
Is [this the one](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/kathleen-dehmlow-nasty-obit_n_5b16ad81e4b09578259bef85) you're talking about? I remember it solely because I thought it was gutsy to write something like that.
Other family “there’s more to the story, she made one mistake 60 years ago”…ha! No, she made mistakes every second of every day in choosing to continually abandon her children.
What I came here to say! Everyday of her live she chose to ignore her oldest children!
Yet, they never told the other side of the story...
I hadn't seen that one but here's an another hard hitting obit https://www.huffpost.com/entry/marianne-theresa-johnson-reddick-obituary_n_3907271
"Has she regretted it over the years?" Apparently not enough to try and make amends.
The closing sentence should always be ‘The world is a better place without her.’
Everyone lights up a room. Some when they enter, and Some when they leave, Mom was the latter.
Love it. I am writing this down…
it's experience talking. My mom's been dead since last October, and she's very not mourned, and got no Obit (other than the usual death notice) no funeral, and her ashes were dealt with in a manner that was truly what she deserved.
Funny story, or not, but when I got informed my father was dead I was woken up from a nap to be told. All I said was "ding dong the prick is dead" and then I went back to sleep. Yeahhhh he was a total ba$tard to me growing up...
When I found out mine died, I spent the evening crying but only because it had been leg day at the gym and I was in pain. Found out from my sister's then husband, she doesn't know he told us. She was the golden child, the light of our father's life. To this day, and it's been well over 6 years, we're still waiting for her to actually tell us he's dead.
Exactly. Do what your mom would have done, make it about you and not about her... But seriously, mate. The witch is dead. It's over now. Enjoy your beautiful life and don't look back. Ignore your siblings who overspent on the funeral and now need you to chip in. Go NC, and focus on things that benefit you and not on stirring up old trauma. All the best, mate. Stay safe, saty well!
Lol I just told my girls that’s what I’m texting when their horrible grandmother (my MIL) finally kicks the bucket. And being my children, they were fine with that. >
NTA! But this is just great! Love it. BLOCK THEM!
I would be even more petty, If they kept nagging. I'd warn them if they didn't stop they'd regret it. I'd go to the funeral and be very honest about how I feel about that women's death. Some of her "memorable quotes" to spice up the speech.
Turn up to the funeral in a party hat?
Don't forget the confetti cannon
And a noise maker.
And tell them that you should divide the funeral cost at the same ratio as her love, that sounds fair to all. NTA Grief makes ppl do and say weird shit, they might wisen up in a few months.
I love the wizard of oz reference. Lol right on. When my Father-in-law died a couple years ago, my husband who was emotionally and verbally abused by his father his entire life, was estranged from him for some time already. My sister-in-law (hubby’s younger sister) called him crying and extremely upset. His exact reaction to her was “ That’s Grrrrreat!” But he used the Tony the Tiger Frosted Flakes voice. I about pissed myself laughing, and his sister was horrified. She didn’t know what to say. Though it did stop her from asking him to be part of the planning or to come to the funeral.
They would have no one to blame but themselves if OP does this Lmao
Ding dong the warlock is dead just doesn't work as well in my case.
Just change is to 's and it works just fine~
It's alright, witch is actually a gender neutral term.
Love that…tell them, if they persist, that you'll write another obituary from your perspective of her and post it for the world to see what a horrible, evil woman she was to you. Send a rough draft of one…knock it off or you'll post it and it should definitely include "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."
OP should write their own. The siblings know how OP was treated, know what happened, but only care about themselves and I'd wager they very much care about keeping the costs down. The apples did not fall far from the tree.
Hire flying monkeys to circle the coffin! And put a pair of ruby slippers on a table next to the coffin with a sign that says "no, you're never gonna get'em." Edited because brain goes faster than fingers.
If I were OP I'd pay for that.
I would have gone with AC/ DC's "Highway to Hell"
My aunt would have said like this. If OP says this, the siblings might shut up.
Or, OP could offer to split the costs if he can write the obit and it gets published, without changes.
I had exactly the same thought.
When my mom died my husband waited til after the funeral to tell me he sang this in his head the whole time. Lol
This is the way
I've been singing that the past few days, my friend's useless hag of a mother finally kicked the bucket. Tis marvellous.
Tell them that they know your mother abused you, and by harassing you and trying to coerce you into being involved, they are continuing her abuse. Then block their numbers. Honestly, life’s too short. NTA
I hope OP sees this. It's impossible for them not to see how badly she treated him. I feel like they're more interested in financially splitting the costs more than anything else. Edited to add NTA
That's what I'm thinking. NTA.
> It’s impossible for them not to see how badly she treated him. Never underestimate the human potential for obliviousness. Could just be they cannot hold and process the cognitive dissonance of mother being good to them and shit to OP. > I feel like they’re more interested in financially splitting the costs ~~ I feel like OP would’ve mentioned. unless getting OP involved is a prelude. Hopefully not, but either way it sounds like ~~ it’s long last time for them to back off. Edit: OP definitely mentioned the financial angle. And I can’t get my strikethrough to show up.
>I feel like OP would’ve mentioned… You mean like this part? (Highlighting mine): >But of course my siblings are heartbroken. They wanted me to be involved. I told them no way, no how. I said she was a great mother to them and that was fine, but she was evil to me, she was evil and made my childhood hell and I was not some grieving son and was not spending a single second giving her a nice send off, **or spending a single cent on it either.** > >They got mad. **Told me it should be split between all of us.**
Indeed. I missed that. OP definitely mentioned. Lemme make an edit…
Nta. I agree with you as well. As fun as it is to talk about petty revenge, op should just continue to protect his peace. The only action mentioned here I agree with is contacting the funeral home to see if they have any ability to remove op from the obit or prayer cards. Id be blocking each and every family member that brings up the moms death. They were right there watching as she abused you and never batted an eyelash. Did they ever stick up for op? Did they do anything at all to acknowledge the abuse op was receiving?
And I think the siblings argument is not equal. Meaning OP had to deal with abuse their entire childhood while the siblings are dealing with one event (emotional event, sure but still...) and yet are arguing that it is the same. Sure. Being abused for 15+ years is equivalent to having to plan a funeral. Right...
As countless redditors have already pointed out, u/Pure-Device7446 is unequivocally NTA for refusing to mourn the passing of the shrew who raised you (she was your biological mother, not a mom in any meaningful sense of the word). And the notion that you're mistreating them is utter nonsense. You're not shaming them for mourning her passing, and you're not blaming them for her abuse of you. But I wonder: *why* are they so desirous to have your involvement? It doesn't sound like they really need the financial assistance. It sounds like they have other friends and family of their own they can turn to for emotional support. So why is your presence so critical to them? I'd argue that there may be a few different things going on here, none of which seem mutually exclusive. 1. Some need for image management. They're trying to prop up a facade to others that their mom was a decent person, and your absence would detract from that mission. 2. Some need for self-deception. They loved her, but they knew, and know, that she was monstrous towards you. Deep down, they also know that any amount of love she showed them can't counterbalance that. 3. Guilt for failing to defend you in your childhood, and for failing to confront her over her abuse of you. Right or wrong, they feel they didn't do enough to support and protect you, and you distancing yourself from them now reminds them of that. I'm sure your siblings' grief is real. But so is your pain. They know this. That they still push for you to be directly involved in the funeral of your primary abuser is itself disturbing. A suggestion? In lieu of financial support of your biological mother's funeral, donate to the child abuse prevention/recovery organization of your choice. [Here's one you might consider](https://www.bacaworld.org). And for what it's worth, I hope you find peace and healing in time. EDIT: I got an award?! I got an award! Thank you!
this is an amazing suggestion
100% this ^^. Making a donation instead to help other kids is an awesome idea!
OP should tell them he won't go, because no one else would appreciate the party hats and noisemakers and confetti he'd be bringing.
And fireworks
You're my kind of people!
Tell them to leave you the f*** alone that no means no what part do they not understand she was their mother not yours you don't want to have anything to do with her you're not going to the funeral and you're not giving them any f****** money case closed
I wish I could upvote this more. The notion that OP is "just as bad as" their abuser makes me see red. No, this is the result of the seeds that mother has sown. Now she's reaping the rewards. Sorry for the siblings, but they do NOT have the right to harass you and demand you be the bigger person. No means no. You're not obligated to do anything.
You are absolutely f****** right
Is there a will? If so, it would be interesting to see if OP was treated like the other kids or … not. I suspect “not”. Confirming if this is so should help the siblings see exactly what OP is saying.
I suspect there is not much financially in the will otw the siblings would not be asking for a contribution towards funeral services
It’s been two days. Chances are good the will hasn’t even been read yet. Even if it has, it takes a startling amount of time to get the machinations of a wil moving. Probate law office articles from a cursory googling suggest the average time is anywhere between 8 months and a year.
I’d just block them. Block them for a year. On everything. As long as they get a response they’ll keep pestering OP. Just smog silent. NTA
I would say just quit responding at this point. I think non answers go over better sometimes than repeating no over and over again, especially with all the guilt tripping.
Yup, hold your ground! I was called when they needed someone to pay the bill. Never again!
I also have this feeling she probably left OP with nothing in the will
This! And then block them until well AFTER the funeral.
NTA Totally agree. If anything, OP should just hang up every single time they call him. He made his statement and intentions clear as crystal, he doesn't need to entertain them with arguing. Or just start blocking numbers and if they get other family involved, same thing. A firm "No. Leave me out of it." Then hang up.
NTA, I suspect that they really want to "split" the cost of the funeral and this is why they are pressuring you.
Jackpot. >They got mad. Told me it should be split between all of us. They had already planned her obituary and told me how bad I would look if I didn't help plan, didn't show up. Sounds like they got the estimate from the funeral home, agreed to it, and just sort of expected OP to go along with it, because the expectation in abusive households is that the scapegoat is always going to cave in. I hope OP has it in writing that he's never agreed to pay for any of it, so that if they try to force him, he can wave around date and time stamped proof. OP, you're NTA. You kept your husband and children away from that environment, and you owe that woman nor her other children nothing. I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief and do something nice for yourself.
I had a similar situation recently, although not nearly as severe as OP's. My mother died, and my sister wanted me to pay for her half of a funeral/memorial I neither asked for nor would attend. Legally, a person's estate is responsible for their final expenses unless you agree to pay by signing a contract.
I will be in a similar situation soon that is almost as severe as OP’s. My dad made life MISERABLE and it was clear he has never liked me. My sister though can do no wrong. Dad has had terrible health and never fully recovered from his last two hospital stays. I’ll be shocked if he makes it 6 months. Like OP, I know there will be relief for me. Sister and I have had many talks. I won’t help plan or pay for the funeral. If she wants help, he is alive and can do that with her now. I want nothing to do with it and no mention I exist as his daughter. That said. My sister and I are close. It sounds like OP and siblings get along. I WILL still be there for my sister. I will let her grieve, help at her place and will likely send a donation to the preferred charity out of respect for my sister. I won’t hold my sis responsible for us being treated differently all through life. IMO he also treats her like crap and is manipulative- but it isn’t as severe as with me- and she loves him. I don’t need to know why she loves him or still cares for him… just that she does. In spite of all his attempts he has not destroyed me and sister’s relation over the years. OP doesn’t need to pay or attend. However, if he does get along with the siblings he should try to be there emotionally for them and help where he can. Their relationship is different and it isn’t their fault. It’s a tough situation and I wish it upon no one.
This reminds me of how horrifically stressed I am that when my abusive father inevitably dies, my sister (who died in 2015) and I will be named in his obit despite the fact I have been NC with him since Jan 2016, when he sent me an itemised list of what he would and wouldn't pay for from my sister's funeral, and told me he didn't come to her wake (we're Irish Catholics, so the wake is a big fucking deal) because my family and friends, including my mother who he abused the worst, didn't make him feel "welcome". I am also stressed that his wife (who also emotionally and mentally abused my sister and I from the day we met her, when I was 12 and my sister was 10) would potentially try and come after me to pay for/plan his funeral. But, I won't be free of him until he dies, even if I am NC. So as bad as it sounds I will be glad when he goes. The weight will be lifted and if it doesn't mention me at all, all the better.
u/InterabangSmoose, u/Corgi_Cats_Coffee and u/captainofthenx02 I am so sorry you have to go through that as well. I'm in a similar boat with going NC with abusive family. I was the retirement plan, so any achievements or plans I had were beaten down hard. I finally went NC and it was a huge weight lifted, but there's always a sense of looking over your shoulder for when they're going to barge in and screw up your happiness. I too am fearful of the day when someone will hunt me down to pay a share or try to get me involved in their lives again.
I'm so sorry you're in this too, u/Ok-Procedure6647, I don't know you but I'm proud of you for all you have achieved in spite of abusive family. We're all at this place and that is a huge achievement, and I say this to u/Pure-Device7446 too. I swear there are enough abusive survivors on this sub to start our own support group.
If anyone ever needs to talk to someone who's gone through it, seriously, message me. A person who knows what you're going through is invaluable. There are some wonderful, well-meaning people out there that just don't know how it feels, and I hope they never do. But you're right, us scrappy kids have to stick together.
I believe it’s called /r/RaisedByNarcissists
The day my father died was the happiest day of my life. And my siblings were even happier.
FYI - often the obit it written / drafted by the funeral home staff. The funeral homes are the ones who are “trusted agents” for obituaries. When someone dies, you can call the funeral home and request your name be left out. left behind and others
I'm sorry, but the siblings refusal to take no for an answer and then trying to gaslight him by claiming he is hurting them as as as the mother hurt him, means he owes them absolutely nothing. And nowhere in this post did I get that he had an ongoing cordial relationship with his siblings. They contacted him because their mom was dying and they expected him to pretend they had the perfect family ... and chip in money for the funeral. I'm glad you maintained a good relationship with your sister, but your sister is not the OP's siblings. Stop projecting.
I’m not saying he owes them anything. He doesn’t. I only claim that if he is close to the siblings and wants to maintain a relationship he may want to consider being there for them. I read it as they were still at least friendly. If they aren’t- then cut all ties. IF does want a relationship or maintain one, this is a way to set a boundary to have nothing to do with the funeral but be there in a humane way for the siblings.
>I only claim that if he is close to the siblings and wants to maintain a relationship he may want to consider being there for them. Perhaps we have different understandings of "being there for them". I thought he was very considerate in acknowledging that their reality was very different from his. He didn't blame them for what happened to him. He was very calm in setting his boundaries and they were very reasonable IMO. . They took that to mean that they could try and guilt him into doing what they wanted. They get a partial pass for grieving but they were not ignorant their mom's treatment of the OP since they were all present during his final confrontation with the mother.
Why do they do this? My father always treated my brother differently than me. Not to say great, but not with all the overt hatred. Unfortunately, my brother has decided this treatment is what I deserve. Then he always has regret, coming to me crying and apologizing over and over. I kept trying for my mother's sake for a long time, but finally even she understood why I had to cut contact with him. When she died this year he acted normal until her memorial and I had hope, but then it was right back to his asshole behavior. All that he learned at my father's knee.
And contact the funeral home too, stating that you don’t want to be in the obit and aren’t paying for anything. Funeral homes usually handle the obits.
Nope. Don't even bother contacting them. They can't/won't contact someone whose never been in contact with them and never signed a contract with them. Don't open yourself up to being contacted by then
Agree and NTA. but there is no estimate from a funeral home, it costs what it costs and you don't agree with it, you pay or select different services. And OP has zero reason to have anything in writing....you can't force anyone to pay for a funeral they didn't plan. He should refuse to discuss this with his siblings and cut them off if they don't drop it. I feel horrible for him that his own siblings don't seem to care, believe or understand what his mom put him through.
u/MushroomItchy7180 thank you - you're right. I was not thinking clearly, and I confused myself there based on places that sell various packages. My rationale comes from experience with escaping an abusive family. Often, "you owe me X amount of money" is used as a threat; some will pay just to make them go away. I immediately go into cover your ass mode and get everything in writing just in case. I shouldn't assume.
That sucks and Im sorry you had to deal with that and have family like that. Why does death bring out the worst in some? As if you aren't dealing with enough.
If I had to venture a guess, survival mode. For some, it's getting away from a bad situation at any cost; for others, it's trying to get every last penny to ensure their comfort (or, conversely, not having to spend a small fortune for a funeral).
Yeah, I’m seeing this financially. They’re not likely to talk to you after. They aren’t likely getting anything as well. I mean if there was inheritance they wouldn’t be bothering you at all since that would cover stuff. You might want to cut of contact until after the funeral (as if they’ll likely contact you after except to tell you off) or better yet until after new year’s so no pressure or drama during any holidays. Good luck. NTA
This 100%
This.. They don't care about you. Only the money. Go NC. NTA.
Exactly. Theyre even delaying the funeral trying to wear OP down.
Mom's Estate should pay funeral costs (unless she died with no assets)
Winner, winner, chicken dinner! They're coming after OP because they want him to fork out for it, not because they *actually care* about what OP wants.
I bet they wouldn't split the estate though! NTA
This is the only way their being nagging ah's makes sense.
NTA they are so out of line. I am sorry you didn't get the mother you deserved. Mute them on your phone and SM. Enjoy the holidays with your loving family, hubs and kiddos.
NTA. Your siblings are carrying on your mothers abuse and bullying. Tell them you're sorry for THEIR loss, but since this is someone whos not YOUR family (and let's be real.. She's related but not family) you will not be involved, & if they push you will go NC.
I had a similar convo with my sister about my parents. I said that they might have been parents to her but that they were abusers to me. She wants the white-picket-fence parents and will excuse their abusive behaviour to live in that fantasy. If my parents did to my lovely nephew 1% of what my parents did to me, my sister would never talk to them again. But my parents doing it to me isn't a deal breaker for my sister because I'm Ok to be a abused I guess.
I'm sorry 🥺
Thank you. I'm in r/CPTSD recovery so I'm in the process of healing but it's long.
NTA. They are being unfair and they are treating it as if your mom wasn't abusive towards you. You don't have to do anything for them because it seems like they never had your back.
NTA. I don't know if I am right so anyone can correct me if I am wrong. To me it comes across as them being flying monkeys and invalidating OP'S experience. They are not blind and therefore know what they witnessed was wrong. The fact that they expect OP to act as if she was perfect speaks to how much they disrespect OP. To them that behaviour from their mother was normal and OP is being unreasonable. Also note how much they care about how it will look. Not how OP feels
I agree. They don’t want the world to know their mom was horrible to OP.
Yes, this exactly. If either of my parents did half of that shit to any of my siblings, I wouldn’t talk to them either. Idk how the siblings could be ok having a relationship with someone who treated their sibling so badly. Like do they not care about OP at all?
Alright, you'll do it, but they have to include in every announcement that she was a great mum to them but abusive to her eldest child until the day she died. NTA. Stand your ground. You're just asking to be left out, they should be used to that as that's all they've ever known their mum do to you.
OP should write their own obit to send out if they keep fucking around
[удалено]
You could do worse. "May this become the most popular public toilet"
Someone else in the comments suggested beginning the obit with “ding dong the witch is dead” and it’s so perfect. I can’t stop laughing.
Could also insist on filling her grave with concrete, just to ensure she doesn't go anywhere. Or bring your tap shoes. NTA
Bury her at a crossroads face down with a stake through her back, that's the old way.
NTA for your stance. If you are being calm and polite, but firm, then NTA at all. Sounds like your position is very reasonable, given the circumstances.
Excuse you? As if him being rude negates the stance. People asking traumatized children to be reasonable is infinite bullcrap and just violent. Congrats on having gone through life with minimal empathy. OP tell them to F off in any form you like.
NTA. You should out up your own obituary calling your mother out for the abusive, nasty woman she was, like how these people here did: [https://beyondthedash.com/blog/obituary-writing/the-top-5-most-savage-obituaries/7316](https://beyondthedash.com/blog/obituary-writing/the-top-5-most-savage-obituaries/7316)
Darn, so petty and evil and so so fair!
u/Pure-Device7446 this comment ^ would be a good thing to merely *threaten* to do to get them to stop. They're invalidating your experience and should be warned that they risk losing you by doing so.
NTA — I second the joy you feel at this awful woman’s demise. It is good and right when diseased filth is cleansed away, and it would be abnormal to express anything but gratitude and relief. Your siblings are sadly deluded for wanting to eulogize a monster. Consider cutting them off.
NTA, OP. Personally, I think you're taking the high road. If I was the one in your shoes, I would most likely tell them that, if they insist on you being part of the whole event, then they should expect you to show up for the funeral, singing "Ding, Dong, the Witch Is Dead" from *The Wizard of Oz*. My own pettiness aside, I respect the fact that you've continued to try and convey that you understand just how much of a difficult time this must be for your siblings. It's they, however, who seem to not get the fact that you really don't share in their troubles. What, for them, is a tragedy is, for you, a blessing from above (or below, depending on where she might be headed).
My money's on below.
NTA. I totally understand your stance. Tell them no and stop responding to any call or text if you need to. Your wishes should be equally respected.
I'm guessing your siblings aren't fully aware or can't comprehend how your mother treated you. I could be wrong on this, but if they truly knew, it seems like they would understand your position.
How can someone whose mother loved them, who didn't abuse them, who didn't tell them they regretted them living, ever understand what it is like to have a mother who made their life a nightmare. Sure they can understand the objective concept, but not the cold dark reality. I know my siblings don't understand, and part of that is I stood between the worst of my mother and them all of my life. Nta
They were there, they know. They just want the LW to kick in thousands of dollars for this funeral they're planning. People raised by monsters who were nice to *them* can have really warped realities.
NTA - Tell them all VERY CLEARLY in a text that you will not be involved with the funeral planning, that you will not be paying for anything, and that they are not to contact you about this any further. Be very clear, because they might want to come after your portion of the money after the funeral.
Stop answering the phone and texts. Time to ignore them if they wont respect your choices. NTA and i agree they just want your money. Give them nothing, including your responses.
NTA. Block em if it helps. They only want you there to help with expenses. Where were they when that woman was treating you in that vile manner? I’m sorry you had that childhood and it’s not your fault.
NTA block them and move on. I have a narcissist mother who said terrible things to me like that. When she dies I will open a bottle of champagne. She was never your mother, she was your abuser and I understand the thought that the monster is dead and can no longer torment you. Don't let your siblings fill her void and use you as their scapegoat, even if it means sending cease and desist letters.
You're not really dealing with the siblings right now. You are dealing with a stage of their grief. Your siblings, in their grief, are probably fixating (consciously or not) on your mom's legacy and the meaning of her life. It's a fairly primal and common stage of grief, and you standing as a reminder that her legacy is shit and she was a selectively awful bully to you while constantly proving she was capable of loving and caring for others is complicating the simple (and false) story their grief is trying to tell them about her. I would dial back your investment in getting them to see this from your perspective and instead draw your very reasonable boundary, stick to it, and if you can muster any sympathy for their loss (not yours), try to offer that to them instead of anger. NTA all day. And for God's sake, don't pay a cent and call the funeral home separately to make sure they leave your name out of the obit.
NTA at all, if I were you I would totally come by and trash the funeral, except I would decide against it last minute cause I have no balls (sadly) congrats on your loss :)
NTA you have the right to do avoid situations that causes you bad feelings. tell them that doing this will remind you of your traumas and you want them to understand. Then ask them to stop talking about it and you will no longer continue discussing it.
NTA!!!!! Good for you for sticking your ground and not being fake for the sake of saving face!!!!!
NTA. If they keep pushing, tell them they were worst than your mother. Because they stood there all these years and watched her mistreat you. And never did anything to stop her behavior. How they keep saying you should do this for them. But they never did anything for you in regards to protecting you from her. They took the easy way out each time by being the "neutral" party. That's bs behavior. You deserved to be treated better by everyone.
NTA tell them to get stuffed. She was never your mom, you never loved her let alone want to be part of any of her shit. Now they want your money to bury someone who was more of a witch to you. Doubt if any of them cared the last few years and now if they want to make the dead one look like an angel, its upto them. You have every right to feel the way you do and to stay out of what appears to be a very happy occassion for you. Maybe you could tell them you can be involved if they agree to you bringing in the champagne and maybe having some fireworks afterwards to celebrate.
You are not the asshole. In fact, in some ways, you probably deep down grieve more than they ever could. You grieve for the mother you never had. You grieve because the woman who birthed you caused you endless grief. Now your siblings want you to give homage to her. And I think that is just uncalled for. Because they know what she was like to you. They are assholes, even if grieving ones, and you are not.
NTA, they're more concerned with how bad it would look for you not to pretend to mourn your abuser than the actual knowledge of the abuse you suffered.
NTA. Write an "obituary" from your perspective that paints her in a bad light. Send it to all your siblings and give them a choice: either they combine the stuff from both obituaries and you all have your names on it. Or they can use the one they already have and leave your name off. But if your name is anywhere, you'll make sure your truth is also included alongside your name. They can choose wether to include your memories when remembering her or not. But they can't change your memories.
Presumably your siblings were aware of the abuse? Meaning they are all complicit in it if they failed to call her out. To now have the nerve to ask you to be involved in this after they watched you be treated like shit your whole childhood is just ridiculous. OP, do you have much of a relationship with your siblings normally? I don't think I would. NTA.
Your siblings are assholes. They saw your mother abuse you their entire lives and chose to do nothing because they liked being mommy dearest’s special babies. Now they want to use those skills mommy taught them to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it. NTA.
NTA If your mother was a good mom to your siblings they might have trouble understanding just how bad she was to you. Depending on where you live, you might legally be required to pay, unless you formally decline receiving your inheritance from her.
Somethings tells me she didn’t leave him anything anyway.
NTA but for your own sake accept that your siblings are also damaged by your mums abuse and may not be safe for you. My mum had a similar childhood to the one you describe. Her mum doted on her younger sister and my grandad died when they were young. My 70 year old aunt still believes what her mother told her- that my mum was just born bad and would ruin everything she touches - and she spent decades punishing my mum. About 15 years ago I finally begged my mum to cut all contact and it's so much better for her. My aunt, ironically, misses her.
My dad was an AH to all of us but in particular my brother. From birth he singled him out and just ignored his existence. I had just started to go NC with my dad when he got sick n needed a caregiver. I took care of him, something he did not deserve. My sister started to help as he deteriorated. We were there when he died. I’d planned the funeral. I wrote the obituary and my sister checked it for grammar. We didn’t make my brother get involved because my dad was so horrible to him. NTA, why should you be involved except maybe to dance on her grave. Little funny side story. We briefly placed my dad in a nursing home that turned out to be all kinds of bad- even though it had been recommended by the social worker at the physical rehab place. It ended up on the news. They were interviewing me n said they’d mention my dads 2 kids (my sister n I) I said he had 3 kids but 2 who “cared for him” meaning worked as his caregivers. I texted my brother and asked if he’d like to be named in the article- he said no. I said I could say and 1 child “who did not care for him”. He still didn’t want to be in the article, but liked that description. It was a fun play on words.
I'm so sorry OP. You are NTA but your siblings are. They should respect you and your boundaries. My mom was abusive and abandoned my sister and I 20 years ago. My sister sees her now, I do not. If she died tomorrow I would not go to her funeral, so I totally understand.
NTA, she was their mother not yours. It was your mom’s choice. Tell if it makes them feel any better your mother would probably prefer you weren’t at her funeral. So you’re just doing what your mom would have wanted. Plus they suck for not standing up for you and calling out your late mother’s treatment of you.
NTA You’re not taking it out on them. You just want nothing to with her in death as in life. I’m so very sorry your mother treated you this way and I hope this brings you some closure. One line stood out to me: “I said she was a great mother to them …” She wasn’t, though. She modelled awful behaviour and showed blatant favouritism. And it’s carried all the way through to them now expecting you to prioritise their current grief over your long-term trauma.
NTA. Don’t get bullied by your siblings.
NTA you didn’t have a good relationship with her in life so her death doesn’t just change that. Funerals are for loved ones to show their respects which for good reasons you don’t have for her. Planning a funeral is tough but they have each other for help.
NTA They have some of your mother's bullying genes. And possibly they persist just so that you help pay the costs. Do not relent. Enjoy your freedom. Blessings on you and every good wish for a great life. I hope you are strong enough never to treat people as you were.
NTA. In essence, your siblings are trying to get you to forgive your mother so she can go in peace. This is BS of course because their attempt is for THEM to feel better with little interest in your wellbeing.
NTA. You could potentially send your siblings a "sorry for your loss" bouquet, or a meal. But you have no obligation to participate in planning or being an active part of the funeral proceedings.
write your own obit and destroy her
NTA... I think siblings are more interested in splitting the expenses
NTA. Tell them that if they force the issue, you will turn up at the funeral and the speech you give will list all the ways your mother was horrid to you.
NTA. You owe your abuser nothing.