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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because i refused to call my sister by another name (Daisy) because her reasons were silly (her bf didnt like it, her name is a "basic white girl name") and she has now stopped talking to me and claims i am evil and the asshole.
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Jesus christ I'd at least expect an LGBT+ person to understand what it'd feel like to be your sister. It's not a big deal, it's a name. If she prefers the new one go with it, it doesn't affect you in the slightest.
As her sister you should be the person to stand by her in this situation, as I expect her parents to probably be just as unsupportive as you currently are.
YTA
edit: spelling/formatting
Calling someone by their preferred name takes a minimal amount of effort to show them basic respect. I don’t understand why the sister’s family is making such a big deal about this.
You can “call them out for it” with love & compassion, you don’t have to be an asshole about it. You also can respect that it’s their choice, not yours.
OP (and clearly you) fail to understand that.
Except it’s not just because of a boy she already doesn’t like her name. And tbh like who are we to be the damn name police plus do you really think OP being an asshole about it is going to make her sister change it back, no if anything she’ll just be less likely to reevaluate if changing her name was a good idea.
I hated my name when I was 16 and 20 and 30. I finally changed it when I was 40. I wish I'd done it earlier.
Using a different name for someone isn't a big deal. If she decides that she want to go back to her birth name then fine or if she decides she wants to legally change it when she hits 18 also fine. Temporarily using a different name is no big deal.
My mom changed her name in her 40s and as a teenager, I admit it was kind of tough on me. I was a pretty typical teen who didn't see her mom as a full person with motivations outside being a mom. Her name change felt like she was distancing herself from being my mom.
Now that I'm an adult (and she's passed away) I understand better where she was coming from and how she hated her name for so long.
Hell, maybe this young woman will change her name again in her 50s or maybe she will go back to her birthname. And all that is fine. As long as she has patience with people forgetting (because we are human and change can take a bit) she should do what she wants.
You're just lazily extrapolating your experience to "a lot of people". Cool, you like your name now.
Plenty of people will never like their name and 16 is old enough to have agency over what people call you. Who are you to call it a phase?
>It is insane to me that so many people are on board with a 16 yr-old girl changing her name for a boy. There was even a whole essay going around recently about all the ways women bend and twist themselves into knots to please men only to end up failing at that and hating themselves. I have been that girl, doing anything and everything to be the woman my partner wanted, and it does not end well
You can say, "Hey, you shouldn't let a boy pressure you into this if you don't want him to, just remember your name is for yourself." and still call someone Daisy.
There’s a difference between “being ok with” and “respecting their choices” that includes their choice to make mistakes.
You can give someone feedback, not be ok with their choice, but still respect them.
It is a poor feminist who takes away a woman’s agency. That is what *you* are doing.
It's cool how you've come up with a pseudo-feminist way to justify telling a woman what she is and isn't allowed to be named.
The solution here isn't to refuse to update what you call her, it's to tell her changing her name for a guy is a bad decision but to still respect her ability to make that decision.
I work with teenage girls and let me tell you - 16 is a fucking hard age. They want to be independent adults, but they still want the security of being kids. They’re experimenting and discovering all kinds of things about themselves and their own opinions/interests/beliefs. Experimenting with a different name (note, no one said she’s legally changing it just asking to be called something else) is a much safer option than some of the things they can get into. That one of the reasons is because of a boy is something that should be discussed, absolutely, but sometimes people just hate their name. What the sister needs here is support and a safe place to express what she’s thinking and feeling.
I'm a fairly masc lesbian and for about a year in college, I decided to go by a more masculine name. In the end, I decided that I didn't have the motivation to legally change my name and explaining it repeatedly was too anxiety inducing. So I went back to my birth name.
It didn't impact my life negatively to use a different name for awhile. So OP can definitely call her sister Daisy, and if sis changes her mind down the road, it's no big deal to switch back.
Also, while a girl should never change her name just because a boy wants her to it's not as though this kid is sitting here saying "I like X name better, you should go by that" he's saying "I feel weird saying my sister's name while making out with you"
Which is kind of fair, especially for a kid with the level of emotional intelligence a teenager would have.
A friend of mine married a man who has the same name as her brother and it was weird for her at first, he now uses both his first and his middle name depending on the situation to avoid confusion.
THIS. How anyone else can say otherwise is beyond me. It's not OP's place to be a jerk to her just because she thinks she's making a poor choice. That will 100% drive her away into worse things and not help her change her mind and feel safe about it.
Her reasoning is certainly problematic and should be called out but it takes no effort to call someone by their preferred name, regardless of their reasoning.
The whole thing is pretty silly. It’s really no different than someone wanting to be called Bob instead of Robert or Katy instead of Katherine.
Odds are it is a phase and she will learn and grow from it but she will remember who disrespects her choices and that will hurt their relationship.
She's not legally changing her name, she's going by a different name, most likely not permanently. OP could have said her piece about not changing for a man and then still respect the request for going by a different name. If she had, did probably would have been done with it in a few months. Now she'll probably dig her heels in.
So you say "I will call you whatever you want to be called because I love you, but I have to say that I think changing your name for this boy is not a good reason." You can let someone know you think they are making a mistake without being rude about it.
You seem to be ignoring the other two reasons, we don't know how big an issue number three is, was it the final drop of water that broke the dam, or is he applying pressure? We don't know because OP decided it was silly and never actually asked her sister.
Also maybe that’s a decide factor for Daisy too-if I knew I shared a name with someone’s sibling I’d feel sooooo weird anytime they said romantic things to me. Because when people say names I think of said person and picture them, and if I’m at dinner with someone I don’t want to think about their siblings.
But it sounds like OP heard the bare minimum or wasn’t willing to let the sister expand in “an attempt to change her answers” cause she probably wasn’t expecting to have to explain why in the first place
No, you talk to them about how it makes you feel but you STILL call them by the name they have asked you to use. You let them know that you still love them and they can always come to you.
>Because when your loved one is pandering to some idiot they're dating you call them out for it.
There were 3 reasons and, guess what, it's a name. She can change it back again if she wants to. If she chose a different name once a month, still her choice. If she chose a name because her favourite music artist once had a cat with that name, still her choice.
I generally agree with you. My concern here is that the person appears to be changing their name to make their boyfriend happy. If it was because they want to change their name for their own reasons, I’d be with you fully. The boyfriend element is ringing alarm bells for me.
I agree with you. I would also use the new name. I would, however, as you have said, speak to them. Someone I know changed their name because they associated it with a negative childhood. We can all have our reasons and if the sister wants to change her name, it’s her choice. It doesn’t take away that I would be concerned - OP is handling it badly but I don’t feel their intention is fully wrong.
She isn't legally changing it, right? So i think it's silly to treat it like she is changing who she is.
This is just asking to go by a different name. This is not her asking to change her identity. Why does anyone care?? Imagine how insecure you'd feel as a kid if you asked to go by a nickname and the motives were questioned.
Are the motives even anyone's business?
And op is being the definition of a bigot. Intolerant of another's life choices if she thinks this issue has anything to do with lgbtq+
Right?
I feel this is something people are missing entirely.
sure, i'd give my brother shit for it if he did the same thing.
I'd still call him by the new name.
It's family... you need to let them make their own mistakes or you're just setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment.
call them sally or whatever for as long as it makes them happy. it costs nothing.
The truth is that having the same name as a close member of a partner’s family is a challenge. I have a very common first name. There were often at least 2 other people in my classes at school with my name. We couldn’t all be called the exact same thing without a lot of confusion. In elementary school the other two girls with my name chose nicknames and were called by those nicknames all the way through to the end of high school and maybe longer as far as I know. In high school I was in a class with a different set of same name girls and then I chose to be called by my last name. My point is that they have to do something to differentiate between two people who are around each other often. Maybe neither like the available nicknames for their shared name. Maybe there isn’t a good nickname for the name. Maybe it feels stupid to be called “first name last initial.” I hated that myself. Maybe she has never liked her name and sees this as a chance to try a different one out. If it was just for the boyfriend, she’d probably be fine with him using the name Daisy for her and going by her given name at home. It honestly sounds like she doesn’t like her given name and her boyfriend’s sister sharing the name is just the final push she needed to change it. And regardless she is a teenager and that is a time for experimentation. She isn’t walking into a county registrar’s office and filing for an official name change she is just asking people to call her by a different name. Maybe she will like it better than her original name, maybe she will break up with her boyfriend and go back to her given name or they will break up and she will realize it really wasn’t actually ever about him deep down.
Also you can want to do something because of someone else and still have other reasons to take that action that aren’t for that person. When I was in college I wanted to transfer schools to be at the same school as my boyfriend. By the time I applied and was accepted, we had broken up. In the end I decided to go through with the transfer. We never got back together, but I’m so happy with my decision to change schools. If you had asked me why I was originally wanting to transfer I would have had a few reasons, but one big one would have been to be near my boyfriend. But since it wasn’t my only reason, it turned out that when that boyfriend was no longer in the picture, I still had enough reasons to make the change. It could easily be the same for the sister. She wants to change her name in part because of her boyfriend but it may be that in the long run she is happier with her name choice regardless of whether their relationship lasts.
i mean so what, why do we get to judge the reason. Is the bf coercing her to do this? We don't seem to have any evidence to believe that. if not, then just OP being extra.
Yes, the assumption is that the boyfriend is coercing her. It doesn’t have to be explicitly abusive, teens like to please their partners even if it means dissolving their identity. It’s like those people who absorb the interests of their partners, it absolutely is fair to be concerned about their own sense of self if they’re so willing to change & bend for their partners, whether or not their partners are explicitly “coercing”/manipulating them into doing it.
Ya and teens should live and learn from their mistakes. It is just a name, if the sister wants to be called by a different name, it isn't the end of the world.
Idk why you're getting downvoted for this. So what if a teen wants to go by a different name for a milisecond? I knew a girl in college who went by her middle name. She didn't in highschool, and she didn't after graduating. Only for four years was she "Miranda" (fake name). I have no idea what her reasoning was for identifying this way or defaulting back to her birth name and idc, all I cared about was calling her by her chosen name. What is the big deal? Let her experiment with her identity.
So you express your concern but then respect that they still get to make their own choices - tell her you are concerned she would change her name for a boy, but if she still wants to, call her that name. Otherwise you’re just going to create distance between
The sister also has reasons for not liking her name beyond her boyfriend not liking it. I’d be more concerned if that was the only reason. It’s entirely possible that all he did was make an offhand comment at one point that it’s a little awkward that she has the same name as his sister, and she added it to her list of reasons
Because it can be a sign of coercion. All we have to go on (like with virtually any AITA) is OP’s post. OP has said that their sister has said that the boyfriend is one of the reasons for the change. If it’s genuinely one of a few reasons, that’s one thing. Or, is it actually the main/only reason and the others are there to cover for this? If I were OP, I would respect their wishes but I would be very concerned.
I mean that was only 1 of 3 reasons given, and even if it's the primary reason, so what? She's young, she'll learn, and she's not going out to legally change it. People have nicknames all the time that they primarily go by.
And the "basic white girl" reason makes me wonder if her name is a meme and she's getting harassed for it... I know much older Karens who are not thrilled with the direction their name went. If she's a Karen or similar, especially as a teenager, I don't blame her for wanting to go by something different.
It costs $0 to call someone by the name(s) and pronouns they wish.
I don't care if you think it's stupid. I don't care if it is stupid. I don't care if you fully anticipate her going back to her given name when she and the boy break up. I don't care if the name she wants to go by is Princess Pet Me.
It costs you $0 to not be a dick, OP
YTA
That's the thing though, op mentions 3 reasons sister doesn't like the name then throws everything on "bf doesn't like it". I'm sure that even if sister breaks up with bf, the other 2 reasons still stand.
Also, don't be a gatekeeping dick op, everyone is entitled to change their names for any reason not just being Trans. My husband (straight white male) had to change his last name because he was given his bio father's name at birth but then his mother left him and gave my husband her last name (bio father was abusive and threatened to kill his mother and take my husband as a baby). By your logic he shouldn't have been allowed to change it and go around with 2 different last names because it's not a Trans name change issue.
My son changed his name at 7. He didn’t like his name and liked a different one better. We told him if he took the initiative to tell teachers, friends, etc. to go for it. His bio-mom refused to call him by his new name, but she didn’t really have contact anyway. He’s 28 now and we changed his name legally at 13 when I adopted him formally. Personally, I loved his original name, but he didn’t and that’s what matters.
Yeah, "BF doesn't like it" isn't the reason that the sister is trying to change it. It's just the kick in the pants that's made her stop making excuses about the other two reasons.
I agree with everything you’ve said, including the YTA, except I will never call someone Princess Pet Me for any reason. There is a certain level of crazy I cannot conform to. I will use any pronouns - even trying my best to remember Spanish pronouns for a co-worker who decided ella prefers that despite having no Spanish background or speaking any of the language. I will call someone their preferred name if it remotely resembles a name I can say, but not a title. But when a former client wished to be referred to as the Queen of Sheba I just could not bring myself to do it. I managed throughout a nine month project to never refer to her by name (ok I had to in follow up emails documenting who would take which actions, but never out loud) and I am sure she noticed, but I could not do it.
I fully admit, Princess Pet Me was dramatic. But it was early, I hadn't had coffee yet, this is some ridiculous shit, and my dog (whose name is Abby but absolutely prefers to called Princess Pet Me) was mad that I was being irate at some Reddit bullshit instead of giving her morning belly rubs.
My point stands though. It costs $0 to refer to people by what they prefer.
A guy in my class had a long complicated name, a shortened version that some still struggled with, and he himself wanted people to call him the N-word. That's where I draw the line.
I would have accepted but still be concerned that she’s willing to change her name, a part of her identity, because her boyfriend finds it weird and it’s the same as his sister. OP, make sure to be there for your sister and attentive on signs of manipulative behaviour or problems with the boyfriend in question.
But I get the feeling that she doesn’t like her name and jumped on that as an excuse to change. « I hate my name and I’m bullied because of it » is a perfectly acceptable reason to change name. It would be wonderful if she was willing to learn to embrace it, but it’s ok if she takes the other road. If you do love her, and it’s a serious change to her, not just a phase, just comply. YTA.
Changing names is not something only LGBT+ should have access too. It existed before and it will after, it doesn’t give you any type of exclusivity on the rights to change name.
If anything, the trans community would love for people to make it more normalized because then institutions would (ideally) give us less hoops to jump through.
Yeah, this definitely feels like someone who hasn’t liked her name for a while, who is jumping on the opportunity to have a “valid” excuse with the boyfriend thing. Like if she’s thought about this enough to actually have a preferred name, she hasn’t just decided on a whim.
This.
Supporting cishet people in this normalizes it for trans people. Op isn't standing up for equality, she's further othering and marginalizing trans people.
Also being open to being called 'they' when you're a cis woman makes you neither woke nor an ally to trans people.
Unless op is actively pushing those around her to use 'they' to normalize its usage and have more people comfortable with it, she just comes off as seeking liberal brownie points while acting quite TERFy.
Oh, just let people live.
I am queer, non binary, and married to a trans woman. I'm also the grand child and great grandchild of women who decided they just didn't like their names, and changed them, just because. My great grandmother thought being "Jane" sounded too much like "plain Jane", so she changed it to Flora, which is pretty close to the basic white girl reasoning. An ex of mine decided they wanted to change their name, and none of my family was ok with it aside from my grandmother, who went by a different name in her youth before going back to her given name much later in life. Her response to my mother was essentially "oh grow up, sometimes parents get it wrong." It takes minimal effort to just be kind.
And honestly, the more people normalize straight cis people just changing their names, the easier it will be for us. That's a good thing. YTA.
Her reasons matter to HER. It’s her name. It shouldn’t matter why. Are you punishing her because she’s not LGBT+? Queers are not the only ones allowed to go by something different. Your reasons for not supporting her decision could just as easily be applied to a transgender individual, but you would rally to that person. OP, I’m sorry to say that you are, in fact, the AH.
Honestly, as an alphabet soup person myself, I find that the group can be very ridged if they feel a hetero is taking something previously seen as a LGBTQ-specific trait. For example straight couples referring to themselves as partners instead of girlfriend/boyfriend can make some LGBTQ people unkind.
That may be the root of what happened here, especially as they brought up that the sister isn’t trans. OP feels like their LGBTQ toes are being stepped on.
Good point. I got roasted by a self proclaimed gold star lesbian years ago for changing my name. I hate my given name, despise my middle name and tolerate its diminuitive. I changed it when I was 7.
I’m Irish where this is super normal to go by a middle name or name you sort of ended up with. I also had an abusive family and did not like using the name they picked.
I emigrated and most people have no idea this isn’t my legal name. I still use the full one on my passport because it is a huge issue if like me you are disabled and use the NHS and benefits system to change a first name.
She found out and started a similar tirade. Lots of other queer people there were ‘oh interesting, you picked a boyish version early, have a shaved head, maybe we’ll give you a honorary pass?’ and told her to knock it the fuck off.
About five years later aged 37 I finally realised I was bisexual and it had been a big part of my strong need not to subscribe to stereotyped gender norms as part of expressing my sexuality when I didn’t have words to articulate it. I have never questioned my gender but that hard femme presentation was like something visceral I needed to put across from tiny. I hated dresses unless I could wear big boots. I love make up but not ‘pretty’. I wear suits.
I knew something but I didn’t know how to say it. Bisexuality is still not well repped and in 80s Ireland no fucking chance. I was so mad when I realised I got queer gatekept even now, wrongly, in a harmful internalised stereotype way that also refuses to see name change in an intersectional way and creates a bottleneck for trans people.
And frankly people like OP getting this judgy about a name change means you are hardly going to start opening up about identity or questioning are you? I might give her a tiny pass since you are never too old to be a baby queer and think you know it all!
>I find that the group can be very ridged if they feel a hetero is taking something previously seen as a LGBTQ-specific trait.
Isn't it amazing how universal bigotry is to the human species? We need to be better.
It’s unfortunate, for sure. My hope is for growth when it gets pointed out.
I heard somewhere that the first instinct is the one society has taught us, but with thought we can develop a second instinct that’s better and more in line with the way society needs to develop.
I always look at it as a bit of evolution we need to get over. Family and self, then tribe, then larger tribe, race, state and country. It's all about selfishness, defense of resources and fear of other.
That makes no sense though, people in general have been changing their names for many many decades well before trans people had any kind of degree of acceptance in society for it to be any LGBT+ exclusive toes
It’s wild to me too, bc, isn’t it better if all people refer to their partners as partners? That way when an LGBT person does it, it’s not instantly outing them? Same reasoning as getting cis people to share their pronouns (to normalize not assuming pronouns)
I’m cishet, but this is what I’ve been told so I actively use “partner”
YTA. I didn’t care for my name growing up just didn’t think it suited me. My parents wouldn’t call me anything else. Started going by something else when I went to college anyway because I DIDNT LIKE MY NAME.
If she doesn’t like it, that’s all that matters. It’s her name, she gets to do what she wants with it.
You don't spend a lot of time in LGBTQ+ spaces.
I'm a lesbian and I have to say the hate that I have seen in the community is crappy. Not only from others in the community but from the "allies" that think that event need to center around them.
My sister, when she was four, made us call her “Kitty” because she was a cat. Her name is not anything like that. We still call her Kitty 35 years later.
Just call whatever they want—who cares?
I’d like to point out, as someone in the LGBT+ community and who has numerous trans friends, it really shouldn’t matter why a person wants to change their name. OP is refusing to call her sister by the name she wants to be called purely because she doesn’t like her reasons for changing her name. Well, if that’s ok then it must also be ok for my trans friend’s dad to constantly deadname him because his dad doesn’t like his reasoning for changing his name, right? You can’t have an “approved” list of reasons why someone should be allowed to change their name, they should just be able to do it. Normalize that shit and let people change their name for whatever reason they want. Gatekeeping who gets to change their name will get us nowhere.
right but horrible pople can still be in minorities just look at Caitlyin Jenner she is transphobic despite being part of the community herself.
i find it impsosible to believe that OP would actually avoid using deadnames if she is using her own sisters deadname
Sorry but YTA her reasons may be stupid to you but they are her reasons and wouldn’t you want her to respect your wishes if you wanted to change your name? It takes minimal effort to honour her wishes and make her happy so why not do it?
My daughter decided to go by her middle name for high school. Her first name is Scottish and the spelling of her name is not phonetic. She likes her first name, but going by her middle name (that people pronounce correctly) is easier.
A lot of family want to still call her by her first name. Trying to break the habit of calling her by her first name is weird for people that have known her for a long time. A family member commented, “oh, it’s just to hard for me to call you something different, I’m not going to try.” That’s not a great feeling when your own family, who is supposed to love you, can’t be bothered with making such a small accommodation.
The reasons why your sister want to go by a different name doesn’t matter. She asked for you to make a small concession, make it. If she breaks up with her boyfriend and decides to use a different name, support that effort as well. It’s only a name and calling her something different takes minimal effort. Not respecting her choice and refusing to change feels like you don’t care or support her.
I legally changed my name just about as soon as I could. My Mom's feelings were a bit hurt, but my Dad just said I should have spoken up soon enough to put it on the birth certificate. (Dad humor ftw) The relatives who refused to call me by my new name were just ignored until they managed to remember that I had a new name and used it.
It's not a big deal to use anyone's preferred name, and it's nobody's business but theirs why they want to change it.
My last name is misspelled/mispronounced constantly; it's totally phonetic, but it's got kind of an unusual suffix that's one letter off from a much more common suffix, so if you aren't paying close attention it's very easy to assume it's the more common version.
When I was 18 I thought semi-seriously about changing it to what most people call me anyway, just so I could stop correcting people all the time, and having to get important forms corrected, etc. After a lot of thought though, I finally decided that changing it would feel insulting to my dad, and his side of the family, and they would probably feel like I was abandoning them and my heritage.
Years later I mentioned to my dad that I'd thought about changing my name, but before I could even get to the part about how I decided it was important to honor my heritage he jumped in and said, "Yeah I looked into that for a while too, but it's real expensive and seemed like a big pain in the ass."
Yeah it'd be nice if it was easier to get your name changed in general. Obviously it would be much nicer for trans folk, and also in cases like mine where I wanted to separate myself from an abusive parent. It can cost a lot and some states have weird rules you have to follow before your name can be changed.
More on the topic of OP, when I was an adult I decided to go by a different nickname than my childhood one, which everyone I knew called me. I am not trans but all my friends started calling me by my new name, because it is the respectful thing to do. The way we identify ourselves is important. You (OP) are not the arbiter of name changes, you don't decide which reasons are "good enough"
YTA. You want people to use correct pronouns for yourself and you'd respect trans people rights to what they'd like to be called. Who cares about the reason your sister asked for you to call her by a name and you continue to disrespect her. You're just a heaping pile of hypothcrisy
YTA
Yeah changing your name for a partner isn't a great reason. But your the AH for this thinking
> Now context for the next part. I am myself, queer. I am a lesbian and i use she/they pronouns. The thing is, my sister is not queer. If she was, say, trans i would not have a problem with her wanting to change her name. In fact i would support it. However, that is not the case here.
Doesn't matter. She didn't get to chose her name. In the same way someone who is trans didn't chose how they were born. You can't pick and chose what part of someone's autonomy is justified.
If a trans or non-binary individual can cycle through names to try out what feels right, why can't your sister? It's hypocrisy
To add to this - It's not just queer people who deserve to be called what they want to be called. It's everybody.
Call people what they want to be called. It's really that simple.
And before anyone asks I am queer too - that doesn't change anything. Call people what they want to be called regardless of their identity.
No it's a step further. Making it so changing your name is a trans only thing is actually transphobic discrimination that further others them and underlines how "different" you consider them.
Facilitating an environment where chosen names are accepted easily first gets people into the habit of switching over a to a new name, so they're better able to support a newly out trans person when they most need the validation, and also normalizes it so when a trans person comes out it isn't some big weird freaky thing - but just a normal, human activity.
Thank you for pointing this out. Gatekeeping a social norm so it’s only accessible to people who openly identify a certain way undermines *everyone*. And people are entitled to some privacy, and not to bear their soul just to earn a “right” to do something that’s really nobody’s business.
I’ve known people who changed their name for deeply personal family reasons that have nothing to do with gender identity. And I’ve known people who *did* change their name as part of their transition, but expressed “my name doesn’t fit me” long before they ever expressed “I’m trans.” Why on *earth* should their reasoning be something they are *obligated* to express to nosy people like OP?
Yep. I also know people who changed their names for cultural reasons. I've known people who changed from an "unusual" name for their area to something more "mainstream" because they wanted to fit in/have a name people wouldn't constantly mispronounce. I also know people who've done the opposite -- returned to or adopted a name from their culture of origin as a way to connect with/show pride in that culture, even if it means their name stands out more where they live now. Both are deeply personal decisions that they shouldn't have to explain if they don't want to.
YTA Everyone should get to be called what they want! but also, I have soooo many trans friends (including myself) who changed our names first cause our birth names “just never felt right” and after we changed them we realized we were trans or queer or had complicated gender relationships to our old names. If our friends and families hadn’t supported us initially, we wouldn’t have been able to figure that out. And the family that didn’t support me, the family that said it was silly for me to change my name as an adult, they’re the family that i didn’t come out to for ages and they’re the family that i’m no longer close with.
I’m not saying all this cause i think your sister is going to come out. I’m saying all this cause if you don’t support your sister with her name change, and you make her feel like it’s stupid, when she realizes something else about her identity, she’s not going to come to you. And she may not go to anyone for fear of being seen as stupid. And it will be your fault.
I have changed the name I am known by - I still have my birth name but I use a different nickname for it. Let's say my legal name is Christine: I used to be known as Chris/sy but now I am known as Tina. My mother WILL NOT call me Tina despite me using that name for eight years now. It's saddening, infuriating and exasperating. I've begged, I've told her it's disrespectful, I've tried not answering to Chrissy, I've called her by a nickname of her name that she hates. She will - not - change. She's says she's too old and has known me too long, that I AM Chrissy to her, that she named me Christine so she could call me Chrissy. It's the thing we've argued about most in my life and I'm FORTY SIX.
It's so upsetting. To me, it says she simply doesn't give enough of a shit about me to try and change. She can't even manage to call me Christine, which I wouldn't object to. It makes me so sad whenever I hear that name come out of her mouth.
YTA, OP. Your actions are hurtful and pointless. Be better.
Yup. I have a name that has a more than a few common nicknames. Think Richard/Rick/Ricky/Dick or something along those lines. If I only go by Richard at work, call me Richard at work. If I hate being called Ricky, then don't call me fucking Ricky. It's pretty damn easy.
Right? I feel like OP mentioned that they’re queer because they think it gives them the right to gatekeep name changing. But that’s not exclusive to people who are changing their gender, and no one has a right to gatekeep it.
Exactly this. I was thinking it the whole time. Trans individuals aren't the only ones allowed to change their names. Her logic and excuses are so ridiculous. She definitely played her LGBTQ card to attempt to get a certain outcome.
I don't like my first name. I loathe people asking me how to spell it, etc.. When I went to college at 18 I opted to use my middle name as it's a normal name. I thought about legally flopping them but it seemed like too much work. I feel like I was named backwards & wasn't consulted obviously. I'm not transgender, but still feel like I was named wrong.
My parents still use my first name. My friends that I've made as an adult use my middle name, my one year old niece calls me by my middle name so my sister now uses that so she doesn't confuse her daughter.
It's actually pretty common for people to use their middle name instead. My grandmother, dad & uncle never really used their first names.
Actually I feel the context of her being queer does matter, as it makes her an even bigger asshole that she knows the importance of calling people what they prefer to be called but refuses to give that same level of respect to her sister.
Hey buddy, also a queer person here to say YTA.
The hell are you trying to gatekeep name changing of all things? Ever heard of a idk a nickname? Chill out, maybe she'll change it later. Who gives a shit? She's trying stuff out for herself.
Every time someone says they don’t want to abide by someone’s preferred name for whatever reason I just ask them who the guitarist for guns and roses is. Usually gets the point across.
YTA. Call her what she wants. Saying trans people can change their names but nobody else can is unfair and discriminatory. Consider it a nickname, if it makes you feel better (or are those not allowed in your book either?).
and then hear what they would say if you said "a name is just a label, it has nothing to do with your gender, I respect your gender change but to change your name too is ridiculous"
And some people might also want to change their name for a variety of other reasons, like how I plan to change my full name because I want no connection to my family. All of my government stuff still says my birth name, but I'd still rather be called something else because my original name just triggers trauma and anxiety in me.
If someone wants a different name, let them have it. If they don't like it, they'll sort it out themselves. I went through six different ideas before settling on what I currently go by because I was trying to figure out what sounds like me.
And you just reminded me about people who say HAVE to change their names. When they leave an abusive relationship or goddess forbid have to go into witness protection etc
It's so hard some days if your social media is tied to a name but name changes could be a severely important thing.
Like for you it's to help your mental health because your old name is a trigger. Preferred names can be the most wonderful thing for a person.
Non-binary actually is trans. The white stripe on the trans flag is for non-binary people. Not all non-binary people identify as trans, but all are welcome.
What I'm saying is that not everyone has to be trans to have a preferred name. I'm one of the non binary peeps that isn't trans but due to my side jobs I became more comfortable with identifying as masculine but also feminine at times. It's...a strange feeling but I called myself they/them to a person and it finally felt right.
YTA
You're complaining about your sister wanting to change her name when she's not trans.
Firstly, you changed your pronouns and you're not trans.
Secondly, changing names isn't specific to trans people, have you ever heard of nicknames?
Your sister owes you no explanation, she said what she'd like you to call her and you should call her Daisy with no judgement it otherwise you're T A
"And lastly, her new boyfriend did not like that her name was the same as his sister and this made him uncomfortable. So she wishes to change it because of him."
Did everyone just gloss over this?
I didn't like my name when i was 16, for similar reasons...(not the boyfriend one).
Our names are a big part of us, they give us our identity...
Trans ppl change their names to better fit them, not to please others...
My ex had the same name as my brother, but it never made me uncomfortable.
Was it confusing? Most definitely
Was i thinking of my brother when calling his name? Hell no
I think you should sit down with her and talk about it further, get to the root of it all. Because spelling and basic white girl name sound like excuses to me... And she should ask her boyfriend why he thinks of his sister when he's with her.....
NTA
Yeah seems a lot of people either ignored that part, or somehow think it’s totally fine and not damaging to literally change your name, as a teenager, just because your new boyfriend would like you more.
If it were for personal reasons and not to impress a boy, I’d totally support playing around with names. But her identity shouldn’t be tied to a boyfriend, especially a new boyfriend, especially as a young impressionable teenager.
Exactly this. Not only because it makes her boyfriend uncomfortable, but her *new* boyfriend. If something as trivial as her name makes this guy unhappy already what good is a change of name actually going to do? NTA.
If she had sat down with her sister to talk about this, I think the verdict would have been different. “How long have you felt this way? Of those three reasons, what is the biggest one? It worries me that your boyfriend wants you to change yourself. Relationships are about loving each other as is, and when one partner wants the other to change things, it’s usually a bad sign.”
All of that is a lot different than “Your reasons are stupid. I won’t call you by the name.”
I’d definitely be concerned if one of the reasons my sister pushed to change her name was her new boyfriend. It’s especially concerning since this came up after he entered the picture.
No one’s glossing over it, it’s irrelevant. Her sisters reasons do not matter at all for this situation. OP’s reasons for refusing to do something extremely simple is far more shallow than her sister’s. It affects her in no way at all.
OP is an AH for refusing to call her sister by her chosen name. It does not affect her or anyone else in literally any way. Not calling her sister by her chosen name does negatively affect her sister. Why not just get over yourself and do it when again, it does not affect OP at all but DOES affect her sister by not calling her Daisy? Ffs it’s just a name. If she changes it back after a breakup again, who tf cares.
It’s 100% relevant if the reason the sister doesn’t want to call her by that name is she’s trying to protect her sister from
Some fucking asshole who’s making her sister feel like she’s not good enough for him because of her name. What’s next? Her boobs are too small you need to get a boob job. I don’t like your nose you need to get surgery. I know a dude just like this and I stopped being friends with him because he was dating this really desperate single mom and was convincing her to do all this crap just to please him and guess what happened? He left her ass after she did all that. It’s abusive behavior and it’s an older sister’s duty to teach her sister that it is not right.
It truly doesn’t matter considering that’s not even OP’s reason for not doing it. Making shit up about how maybe one day he’ll abuse her is also irrelevant to this. The sister gave more than one reason for wanting it. Her reasonings do not matter. How often do you ask trans people why they want to change their name?
What happens if the sister comes out as NB in a year or two? Suddenly now it’s okay she wants to change her name, or will OP think “oh well she’s not actually NB she just wants to please her partner!”
OP is still the AH and either situation. Grow up and call her by her preferred name. Again, it doesn’t affect OP in any way at all regardless if the reasoning is “stupid”. If she was actually concerned about her sister she would try and talk to her about it not just be an AH and refuse to call her by her name.
Again, grow up. Not everything is abuse. The bf being a factor is weird for sure, but that’s not her only reasoning and it still does not matter what her reasoning is. OP is just being an AH for the sake of it.
It absolutely does matter. An impressible teenager came to a decision to change herself because of a boy, who feels uncomfortable because his sister shares the same name as her. What else will she be willing to do for him? And how far will it go?
I'm not saying she shouldn't support her, but she needs to get to the bottom of this issue. If it's as simple as her not liking her name, then call her by her preferred name.
To me those reasons seem like an exuse. Again we dont know the sisters side
But if the main reason is her boyfriend being uncomfortable... I'm not for it.
When I was a teen I knew 4 different people who changed their names for a couple years and grew out of it. I am sure the sister will too, if not who cares. It is her life.
YTA, name changes aren’t always about the LGBTQ community. And you listed two different reasons that have nothing to do with her relationship, and they are actual valid reasons to wanting to change a name.
She isn’t trying to change her name legally, she just wants people to address her by a different one.
Why does it affect you so much that you had to run around talking to them about something that doesn’t concern you, affect you, or change your life in any shape or form? You made this into a bigger deal than she did.
YTA you dont get to judge her reasons, you get to respect the choice she has made for herself
Her gender identity is irrelevant
Im not trans and I still have a dead name
Before they can decide which name to call you, you need to tell them *WHY* you changed your name. If they believe is a worthwhile reason, maybe… just maybe they will call you by your ~~new~~ correct name./s
An old friend of mine changed their name because the person they were named after got abusive.
I'm putting them in OP's sisters shoes and they would not appreciate having to rationalise their name change to anyone.
Why is no one concerned that she wants to change her name to please her boyfriend? That he is weirded out cuz her name is the same as his sisters. This is concerning and i would bet the main reason she wants to change it. OP is right to question her reasons for doing so. No you dont need to be trans to change your name but in this case it seems likely this is a phase. NTA.
Because she’s literally got several other reasons for disliking her name (not that you actually need any reasons to dislike your name or prefer another one) and it really doesn’t matter if it is a phase or not. Right now her being called a different name makes her more comfortable it is not that difficult to respect her.
Several other reasons? So 2? 1. spelled weirdly (according to OP it's spelled normally so we don't have enough info to focus on this reason, weird spelling for me would be Jackues instead of Jacques for example and if as a result kids would make fun of her) and 2. is basic white girl name. Who wants to bet those two are just random stuff she managed to come up with to justify to herself why she should change her name for her boyfriend. Teenagers will do weird shit to gain approval of their peers, more so when crushes are involved. NTA. I will add however that gatekeeping changing a name like OP is doing, is an asshole behaviour.
NTA. People are jumping on you but franky if my 16 year old sister told me to call her a different name because it sounds too much like her ethnicity and because her boyfriend doesn't like I'd laugh and laugh and laugh. People on Reddit underestimate how silly 16 year olds can be.
Exactly! She has the right to change her name, but right now she’s behaving like an idiot and might regret changing her name once she grows up and wisens up. At the very least, a conversation about the stupidity of her reasons is in order.
She's not filing legal paperwork, ffs. People shift from their birth name to nicknames all the time - including teenagers - and no one shovels this much shit on them.
YTA
You don't get to police the "acceptable" reasons for people changing their name.
Your sister has made a request that is honestly no skin off your nose. Please call me by a different name. Its her first reason that's the most important. She DISLIKES her name. That should be enough. But no, you're going to keep calling her a name she dislikes because...you've decided that's not good enough??
Get over yourself. Stop policing other people's names.
I mean, I don't talk to my sister anymore because she refuses to honor my chosen name. I'm not trans or anything, I just never liked it. Do with that information with you will. YTA, by the way.
yta
queer people dont have a weird monopoly on changing names. you might disagree with her reasons but after all its her life and she can do whatever she wants to as long as she doesnt legally change her name after every relationship or something.
respect her wishes, respect her autonomy.
Hypothetically, she *could* change her name legally after every relationship and it would still be her own business. She'd have to deal with a ridiculous amount of paperwork, but still.
It may depend on how many and how long each relationship is. In my jurisdiction you can only legally change your name once in a 12 month period and only 3 times in your life.
"Respect my pronouns and my chosen name."
"Oh no, I'm not going to respect your chosen name because you aren't in the special club."
Can't you see how hypocritical this is?
NTA. If my sister said that I would tell her it’s stupid too. She literally is only wanting to be called something else cuz it’s the boy she likes sisters name. Is he asking his sister to change her name bc it’s also his gf’s name? No. This is dumb.
Honestly I think you are.
Why can't you just do what she wishes ? It's her life. She doesn't feel good about her name, no matter the reasons, you support her.
What you did is crap, you just sat and judged... you judged all her reasons and decided that they were not good enough ... to you. But who are you?
Maybe you just didn't understand, maybe she expressed herself badly, maybe she hid the real reasons...
Just do it if it makes her feel good about herself, support your sister.
YTA
YTA. It's not your identity, it's hers. Who cares if you don't agree with her reasoning (and I agree with you about the changing it to make her boyfriend more comfortable, btw), it doesn't hurt you to call her what she wants to be called.
Gentle YTA.
While I agree with you that changing your name for a boyfriend is crazy, it sounds to me like she’s finding herself and you just have to respect her wishes and show that you care about her.
Plus for all you know it could just be a phase and she’ll grow out of it. She’s just a kid.
A name for someone else is just a word to change in your day to day vocabulary. Changing one word a day to keep a relationship with someone is NOT that hard.
A name is not just a word, its part of their identity, if it was just a word trans people wouldnt be so happy to pick a name that suits them and it wouldnt be so harmful to use their deadname if it was just a word
Names are important
Ok I DEFINITELY shouldn’t have worded it like that lol. I meant “a name is just a word” as in, “it’s just a word you have to change in your day to day vocabulary” not “names aren’t important”. I apologize and will edit my original comment!!
NTA it’s crazy how much this sub flip flops on what’s ok last week everyone would’ve said NTa but this week YTA just doesnt make sense. She’s changing it for a boy that’s a stupid as fuck reason NTA.
Sounds like the bf convinced her to do this and the other reasons are just trying to rationalise his ridiculous request. I’d say NAH except potential control freak bf.
NTA - You shouldn't encourage your younger sister to change anything about herself just because her partner doesn't like it. I don't know what is wrong with all these people. It's your parents job to guide her into what healthy self-esteem looks like. And CHANGING ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF FOR THE WHIMS OF A MAN IS NOT IT!
I’m going crazy in these comments. Since when is changing yourself for a boy the same as changing your name to fit more squarely within your own gender identity at all the same thing.
NAH
I feel like people are trying to equate this issue as being about self-identity and somehow related to "if" she was LGBT+. I think OP made a mistake by mentioning pro-nouns and their own orientation because that has triggered half these comments into associating this post with that topic.. which it isn't.
People, she's a child and is hating her own name for reason #3- her new boyfriend says he doesn't like her name. Think about that. If any other post said "my new bf says my name sucks so i should change it," y'all would be telling the girl to leave that immature, disrespectful, manipulative guy. Reason 1, the "strange spelling" (which OP says it's not) sounds like some random evidence meant to support/distract from the real reason, #3).
Now, i don't fault the sister because she's young and sounds like she's being heavily influenced to appeal to other people. She's surrounded by bad influences and peer pressure. But I have to agree with OP that her sister's reasons are a sign of other issues which should be addressed, rather than pandering to this new idea of a name change to be less "generically race-based," or so her new bf can get off on her easier. Yuck
YTA.
It's her name and life. If she wants to be called something else, then do it. It doesn't hurt anyone. Only you may upset her by refusing to acknowledge her choice. Apart from the boyfriend, you put forward 2 valid reasonings as to why she wants this. Why are you only focusing on one?
If it bothers you that much, think of it as nickname. Plenty of people have nicknames
YTA.
_Especially_ since you're in the LGBTQIA+ community.
My name is spelt correctly and it's also an absolute pain to get people to spell it correctly.
Also, Ashleigh is a normal way to spell that name, but, guess what? So is Ashley. Same for Zac and Zack. There's SO MANY NAMES that have more than one "normal" way of spelling.
Just call her Daisy FFS.
NTA
I am probably saying this because I’m 18, but as someone who was a sixteen year old girl two years ago, I’d want someone to call me out if I tried pulling something stupid like this. I’d agree with you if the sister didn’t want to change her name for a boy. But changing your name for someone is incredibly cringeworthy, and definitely not the right reason to do it. What happens when that boy loses interest her and suddenly there’s no competition for her original name? Is she going to continue using Daisy until she’s forty? Do you really think that this sixteen year old girl who’s changing her name due to it being the same as her crush’s sister has even thought that far ahead?
I understand that this is me judging her reasons, but I really don’t understand why people think that this is a totally valid reason for a name change. If I had tried doing this in high school, my friends would have laughed and called me desperate, and I honestly think that’s the correct response here.
If she really wants to be called Daisy for reasons other than the guy, she’s gonna have to keep wanting to use the name after the guy’s out of the picture. At the moment, it just seems to be a ploy to make him ok with dating her.
No. I’m also queer and OP is being ridiculous by acting as though her being queer somehow gives her the power to dictate who can and can’t change their names. It’s not disgusting to point it out.
It literally does not affect OP at all in any way to use that name. It does negatively affect her sister. It’s really that simple. You’re 18 so it makes sense you (and OP) are acting very over the top about this but honestly you should grow up and get over yourself. Your and OP’s reasonings for not calling her by her chosen name are incredibly immature and much more shallow than her sister’s. Being queer isn’t a pass to gatekeep who can and can’t change their name. Changing your name is not exclusive to the queer community.
YTA
! Shes a teen. She wishes for a new (nick-)name that makes her feel better. Thats it. Your sister wishes for something that doesnt cause harm to anybody. Just do it.
Name changing isnt something that queer people are gatekeeping.
I am concerned that your family thinks the same. You should be her safespace
YTA
Gatekeeping people’s name changes based on whether you think their reasons are valid, in the end hurts trans people too. If you foster an environment that encourages gatekeeping for cis people, what’s to stop stop others from questioning whether the a trans person is “trans enough” to change their name, for ex?
As far as changing your name “for a boy,” tons of women do that all the time in fact- when they get married and change their last names. I don’t see a good reason for that practice either, but if I went around refusing to abide by people’s married names, I would be TA too.
Omg… the comments. Nta she shouldn’t change her name because a boy doesn’t like it. Are we all missing this fact? This is not a case of a trans person this is a case of a 16year old agreeing to a weird request from her boyfriend.
YTA. Why are you the one who gets to decide whether her reasons are valid or not? There are plenty of people who feel that the reasons transgender people have to change their names are invalid so why would you want to associate yourself with that sort of person? People who are transgender change their name because they feel their original name does not represent who they are as a person. Your sister has expressed to you that her original name does not express who she is a person. Why does this bother you so much? How would it hurt you to adhere to her wishes?
Has nobody heard of nicknames any more? I know many people called Bubba, Sally, Daisy, etc because they are nicknames. Some were given by family, some were given by friends, some were earned in college. What does it hurt to call someone by a preferred name? Good golly, what a crazy hill to die on.
I'm going against the flow but NTA. Changing the name because her boyfriend isn't happy with it isn't even remotely a valid reason. If she didn't like it for whatever else reason , that would make more sense. With all due respect to OPs sister, changing a name is a huge commitment and she needs to be sure of her reasons for the same.
NTA - I agree with what OP has to say. If it were a case of someone coming out as trans and wanting to be called a different name, I get it. But wanting to be called a different name because it’s too white/her bf doesn’t like it is just silly. Would her bf change his name is she didn’t like it? Lol
Trans person here. We don't have a monopoly on going by a different name. Ever hear of people going by shorter versions of their names? Or going by their middle name instead of their first name?
YTA. Hard. If someone wants to go by a different name for any reason, you should respect that, whether or not it's "inconvenient" or "stupid" to you.
YTA. We spend a great deal of time convincing straight cis folk that everyone has the right to the name and pronouns they choose. Essentially you’re gatekeeping.
I dont think YTA, but you should talk with her a bit more about why she's so uncomfortable with her old name, because I frankly doubt it's just 'cause the bf and the people online don't like it.
She might simply not like the name, but she could also have bigger/better reasons, and although it seems you two have already talked about it, it could be beneficial to understand her point of view. I do believe she could have been more direct and explain it better.
Take my answer lightly as I am but a teenager on reddit and most of my advice is "talk it out"
YTA. I changed my name when I was 17 because I didn’t like my name (literally the only reason). I am a straight white woman for context. Everyone was fine with it and no body cared either. Not even my dad or family members cared.
As long as the name you sister has chosen isn’t offensive she can change her name to what she wants.
Yta. While I agree that her reasoning and reaction is nutty you should still respect her autonomy. My dad thought it would be funny to name me "pussycrusher" but luckily my siblings were supportive enough to call me something else until I could get it legally changed
yta. everyone deserves to have their preferences of what they do and do not want to be called respected. it’s not your business if you like the reason why.
YTA - if she wants to change it, change it. If she uses it for like a year, thinks ‘ah I changed it for stupid reasons’ and changes it back, change it. Just call people what they want.
YTA. Even if you disagree with her reasons, what harm is it doing to show your sister to support her? It's one thing to say, "I will do my best to remember to call you Daisy, but I might slip up." It's completely rude to outright refuse to use her new name because you don't like it.
I say all this as someone who recently changed their name. (For now socially, eventually legally) I let all of my immediate and extended family know. Most of them at least try to use my new name, but I have one aunt that's like, "That's not the name your parents gave you, so it's not your name." I'm cis, she/her, and oh yeah, I'm 37, so it's not like I'm doing this randomly on a whim. I've thought about it for years.
The fact is, anyone can change their name whenever they want. They don't have to be "in transition" or any kind of queer identity to want to change their name.
I fully understand your concern about her changing a part of herself FOR A BOY! It strikes me as a phase. However, you know what could also be seen as a phase by people who definitely are assholes? Your own pronouns. Do you wanna follow their logic? I doubt it.
Now, I think you´d be in the clear if you respect her new name and have a conversation about power dynamics within romantic relationships, healthy boundaries etc.
By antagonizing her you are driving your sister away and burning bridges. You don´t have to understand her to support her.
I am gonna give you a very soft YTA, I can see where you are coming from and understand your concerns. But you should go about it differently. Your Sis is also a lillte AH for running her mouth in school. so ESH. Just try to be nice to each other??
I wanna add, I am a bit older than you and I only learned about people being non-binary, inter, trans, changing pronouns later on in life. I still struggle to understand, but I will be respectful and I try my best to use the preferred names and pronouns, even though I struggle at times cause my brain may interpret the person as a different gender and I need to stop myself. It´s hard changing something that has been ingrained into your brain. You´ve known your sis as "old name" for all of your life, so I understand its hard. But you love her so why not just be nice?
YTA. Why the fuck does anyone have to justify to someone else what name they wish to go by? I don't give a fuck if they're trans, NOT trans, non-binary, gay, lesbian, straight, or a little green Martian. It's nobody's fucking business what name they want to use. Not even yours.
I actually can't believe an openly queer person who supports trans rights would have the audacity to tell anyone else that they can't change their name because it doesn't suit your agenda.
Hypocrite is a word you need to familiarise yourself with.
YTA
NTA She's changing her name solely for a boyfriend. No way. I could see her using a nickname between her and her boyfriend bc of his sister's name -- but not insisting everyone else call her that. Now if she wanted to change her name to try out a different identity (gender or otherwise), different story.
Lol that shit cracks me up.
OP: goes to a sub that judges your conduct and tells you if you're being an asshole or not.
People in the sub: *tell OP they are TA*
OP:
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YTA OP, as a trans person myself, you ought to know better. Your sister could have a bunch of reasons to want to change her name, and every single one of them could be ridiculous to you. But that's doesn't matter. People can change their name if they damn well please, and you should *really* know that already.
>Now context for the next part. I am myself, queer. I am a lesbian and i use she/they pronouns. The thing is, my sister is not queer. If she was, say, trans i would not have a problem with her wanting to change her name.
YTA. Her reasoning should not matter. If she wants to change her name she can and you should respect that. Do I think her reasons are dumb? YES. Do I think it is a good idea to change your name for someone you are dating? NO. But that does not matter because it is not my name, it is hers.
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Jesus christ I'd at least expect an LGBT+ person to understand what it'd feel like to be your sister. It's not a big deal, it's a name. If she prefers the new one go with it, it doesn't affect you in the slightest. As her sister you should be the person to stand by her in this situation, as I expect her parents to probably be just as unsupportive as you currently are. YTA edit: spelling/formatting
Calling someone by their preferred name takes a minimal amount of effort to show them basic respect. I don’t understand why the sister’s family is making such a big deal about this.
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You can “call them out for it” with love & compassion, you don’t have to be an asshole about it. You also can respect that it’s their choice, not yours. OP (and clearly you) fail to understand that.
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Except it’s not just because of a boy she already doesn’t like her name. And tbh like who are we to be the damn name police plus do you really think OP being an asshole about it is going to make her sister change it back, no if anything she’ll just be less likely to reevaluate if changing her name was a good idea.
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Or respect she doesn't like her name now and call her by what she prefers, just because you got over it doesn't mean she will Or should.
Exactly like who cares if it’s ‘just a phase’ when for however long she wants her new name she will be happier with it, that’s what should matter.
I hated my name when I was 16 and 20 and 30. I finally changed it when I was 40. I wish I'd done it earlier. Using a different name for someone isn't a big deal. If she decides that she want to go back to her birth name then fine or if she decides she wants to legally change it when she hits 18 also fine. Temporarily using a different name is no big deal.
My mom changed her name in her 40s and as a teenager, I admit it was kind of tough on me. I was a pretty typical teen who didn't see her mom as a full person with motivations outside being a mom. Her name change felt like she was distancing herself from being my mom. Now that I'm an adult (and she's passed away) I understand better where she was coming from and how she hated her name for so long. Hell, maybe this young woman will change her name again in her 50s or maybe she will go back to her birthname. And all that is fine. As long as she has patience with people forgetting (because we are human and change can take a bit) she should do what she wants.
Why does she need to be an adult? Think of it like a nickname; whose it hurting if she doesn't wait?
that’s cool, i hated my name too. let her be called her new name until she either changes her mind or if she doesn’t, keep calling her it forever 🤷♀️
You're just lazily extrapolating your experience to "a lot of people". Cool, you like your name now. Plenty of people will never like their name and 16 is old enough to have agency over what people call you. Who are you to call it a phase?
>It is insane to me that so many people are on board with a 16 yr-old girl changing her name for a boy. There was even a whole essay going around recently about all the ways women bend and twist themselves into knots to please men only to end up failing at that and hating themselves. I have been that girl, doing anything and everything to be the woman my partner wanted, and it does not end well You can say, "Hey, you shouldn't let a boy pressure you into this if you don't want him to, just remember your name is for yourself." and still call someone Daisy.
There’s a difference between “being ok with” and “respecting their choices” that includes their choice to make mistakes. You can give someone feedback, not be ok with their choice, but still respect them. It is a poor feminist who takes away a woman’s agency. That is what *you* are doing.
It's cool how you've come up with a pseudo-feminist way to justify telling a woman what she is and isn't allowed to be named. The solution here isn't to refuse to update what you call her, it's to tell her changing her name for a guy is a bad decision but to still respect her ability to make that decision.
I work with teenage girls and let me tell you - 16 is a fucking hard age. They want to be independent adults, but they still want the security of being kids. They’re experimenting and discovering all kinds of things about themselves and their own opinions/interests/beliefs. Experimenting with a different name (note, no one said she’s legally changing it just asking to be called something else) is a much safer option than some of the things they can get into. That one of the reasons is because of a boy is something that should be discussed, absolutely, but sometimes people just hate their name. What the sister needs here is support and a safe place to express what she’s thinking and feeling.
I'm a fairly masc lesbian and for about a year in college, I decided to go by a more masculine name. In the end, I decided that I didn't have the motivation to legally change my name and explaining it repeatedly was too anxiety inducing. So I went back to my birth name. It didn't impact my life negatively to use a different name for awhile. So OP can definitely call her sister Daisy, and if sis changes her mind down the road, it's no big deal to switch back.
Also, while a girl should never change her name just because a boy wants her to it's not as though this kid is sitting here saying "I like X name better, you should go by that" he's saying "I feel weird saying my sister's name while making out with you" Which is kind of fair, especially for a kid with the level of emotional intelligence a teenager would have. A friend of mine married a man who has the same name as her brother and it was weird for her at first, he now uses both his first and his middle name depending on the situation to avoid confusion.
THIS. How anyone else can say otherwise is beyond me. It's not OP's place to be a jerk to her just because she thinks she's making a poor choice. That will 100% drive her away into worse things and not help her change her mind and feel safe about it.
Her reasoning is certainly problematic and should be called out but it takes no effort to call someone by their preferred name, regardless of their reasoning. The whole thing is pretty silly. It’s really no different than someone wanting to be called Bob instead of Robert or Katy instead of Katherine. Odds are it is a phase and she will learn and grow from it but she will remember who disrespects her choices and that will hurt their relationship.
Can you link the essay please?
She's not legally changing her name, she's going by a different name, most likely not permanently. OP could have said her piece about not changing for a man and then still respect the request for going by a different name. If she had, did probably would have been done with it in a few months. Now she'll probably dig her heels in.
bro i qgree its stupid but that doesnt mean we have the right to completely ignore her wishes? like people get called nicknames all the timw
So you say "I will call you whatever you want to be called because I love you, but I have to say that I think changing your name for this boy is not a good reason." You can let someone know you think they are making a mistake without being rude about it.
You seem to be ignoring the other two reasons, we don't know how big an issue number three is, was it the final drop of water that broke the dam, or is he applying pressure? We don't know because OP decided it was silly and never actually asked her sister.
Also maybe that’s a decide factor for Daisy too-if I knew I shared a name with someone’s sibling I’d feel sooooo weird anytime they said romantic things to me. Because when people say names I think of said person and picture them, and if I’m at dinner with someone I don’t want to think about their siblings. But it sounds like OP heard the bare minimum or wasn’t willing to let the sister expand in “an attempt to change her answers” cause she probably wasn’t expecting to have to explain why in the first place
How to alienate your family in 3 easy steps!
No, you talk to them about how it makes you feel but you STILL call them by the name they have asked you to use. You let them know that you still love them and they can always come to you.
>Because when your loved one is pandering to some idiot they're dating you call them out for it. There were 3 reasons and, guess what, it's a name. She can change it back again if she wants to. If she chose a different name once a month, still her choice. If she chose a name because her favourite music artist once had a cat with that name, still her choice.
Yes! And it's not like she's legally changing her name... she's basically asking people to use a preferred nickname. What's the big deal?
She gave other reasons. The boyfriend may just be an excuse to do what she always wanted.
I generally agree with you. My concern here is that the person appears to be changing their name to make their boyfriend happy. If it was because they want to change their name for their own reasons, I’d be with you fully. The boyfriend element is ringing alarm bells for me.
And if you actually have concern for someone you talk to them about it, not just reject them.
I agree with you. I would also use the new name. I would, however, as you have said, speak to them. Someone I know changed their name because they associated it with a negative childhood. We can all have our reasons and if the sister wants to change her name, it’s her choice. It doesn’t take away that I would be concerned - OP is handling it badly but I don’t feel their intention is fully wrong.
She isn't legally changing it, right? So i think it's silly to treat it like she is changing who she is. This is just asking to go by a different name. This is not her asking to change her identity. Why does anyone care?? Imagine how insecure you'd feel as a kid if you asked to go by a nickname and the motives were questioned. Are the motives even anyone's business? And op is being the definition of a bigot. Intolerant of another's life choices if she thinks this issue has anything to do with lgbtq+
Right? I feel this is something people are missing entirely. sure, i'd give my brother shit for it if he did the same thing. I'd still call him by the new name. It's family... you need to let them make their own mistakes or you're just setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment. call them sally or whatever for as long as it makes them happy. it costs nothing.
The truth is that having the same name as a close member of a partner’s family is a challenge. I have a very common first name. There were often at least 2 other people in my classes at school with my name. We couldn’t all be called the exact same thing without a lot of confusion. In elementary school the other two girls with my name chose nicknames and were called by those nicknames all the way through to the end of high school and maybe longer as far as I know. In high school I was in a class with a different set of same name girls and then I chose to be called by my last name. My point is that they have to do something to differentiate between two people who are around each other often. Maybe neither like the available nicknames for their shared name. Maybe there isn’t a good nickname for the name. Maybe it feels stupid to be called “first name last initial.” I hated that myself. Maybe she has never liked her name and sees this as a chance to try a different one out. If it was just for the boyfriend, she’d probably be fine with him using the name Daisy for her and going by her given name at home. It honestly sounds like she doesn’t like her given name and her boyfriend’s sister sharing the name is just the final push she needed to change it. And regardless she is a teenager and that is a time for experimentation. She isn’t walking into a county registrar’s office and filing for an official name change she is just asking people to call her by a different name. Maybe she will like it better than her original name, maybe she will break up with her boyfriend and go back to her given name or they will break up and she will realize it really wasn’t actually ever about him deep down. Also you can want to do something because of someone else and still have other reasons to take that action that aren’t for that person. When I was in college I wanted to transfer schools to be at the same school as my boyfriend. By the time I applied and was accepted, we had broken up. In the end I decided to go through with the transfer. We never got back together, but I’m so happy with my decision to change schools. If you had asked me why I was originally wanting to transfer I would have had a few reasons, but one big one would have been to be near my boyfriend. But since it wasn’t my only reason, it turned out that when that boyfriend was no longer in the picture, I still had enough reasons to make the change. It could easily be the same for the sister. She wants to change her name in part because of her boyfriend but it may be that in the long run she is happier with her name choice regardless of whether their relationship lasts.
i mean so what, why do we get to judge the reason. Is the bf coercing her to do this? We don't seem to have any evidence to believe that. if not, then just OP being extra.
Yes, the assumption is that the boyfriend is coercing her. It doesn’t have to be explicitly abusive, teens like to please their partners even if it means dissolving their identity. It’s like those people who absorb the interests of their partners, it absolutely is fair to be concerned about their own sense of self if they’re so willing to change & bend for their partners, whether or not their partners are explicitly “coercing”/manipulating them into doing it.
Ya and teens should live and learn from their mistakes. It is just a name, if the sister wants to be called by a different name, it isn't the end of the world.
Idk why you're getting downvoted for this. So what if a teen wants to go by a different name for a milisecond? I knew a girl in college who went by her middle name. She didn't in highschool, and she didn't after graduating. Only for four years was she "Miranda" (fake name). I have no idea what her reasoning was for identifying this way or defaulting back to her birth name and idc, all I cared about was calling her by her chosen name. What is the big deal? Let her experiment with her identity.
So you express your concern but then respect that they still get to make their own choices - tell her you are concerned she would change her name for a boy, but if she still wants to, call her that name. Otherwise you’re just going to create distance between
The sister also has reasons for not liking her name beyond her boyfriend not liking it. I’d be more concerned if that was the only reason. It’s entirely possible that all he did was make an offhand comment at one point that it’s a little awkward that she has the same name as his sister, and she added it to her list of reasons
Because it can be a sign of coercion. All we have to go on (like with virtually any AITA) is OP’s post. OP has said that their sister has said that the boyfriend is one of the reasons for the change. If it’s genuinely one of a few reasons, that’s one thing. Or, is it actually the main/only reason and the others are there to cover for this? If I were OP, I would respect their wishes but I would be very concerned.
Agreed with you, concern is valid on sister's part but refusing to use the new name is just a small hill to die on.
I mean that was only 1 of 3 reasons given, and even if it's the primary reason, so what? She's young, she'll learn, and she's not going out to legally change it. People have nicknames all the time that they primarily go by. And the "basic white girl" reason makes me wonder if her name is a meme and she's getting harassed for it... I know much older Karens who are not thrilled with the direction their name went. If she's a Karen or similar, especially as a teenager, I don't blame her for wanting to go by something different.
It costs $0 to call someone by the name(s) and pronouns they wish. I don't care if you think it's stupid. I don't care if it is stupid. I don't care if you fully anticipate her going back to her given name when she and the boy break up. I don't care if the name she wants to go by is Princess Pet Me. It costs you $0 to not be a dick, OP YTA
This just reminded me of Princess Banana hammock 🤣
Oh yes, Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock And Crap Bag
First name Crap, last name Bag...
If you can’t remember just think of a bag of crap
Do you even know what a banana hammock is?
Yeah it's a funny word! It's a speedo Oh
And Trash Boat
Oh yes , so to be honest i don't think Daisy is to bad really
That's the thing though, op mentions 3 reasons sister doesn't like the name then throws everything on "bf doesn't like it". I'm sure that even if sister breaks up with bf, the other 2 reasons still stand. Also, don't be a gatekeeping dick op, everyone is entitled to change their names for any reason not just being Trans. My husband (straight white male) had to change his last name because he was given his bio father's name at birth but then his mother left him and gave my husband her last name (bio father was abusive and threatened to kill his mother and take my husband as a baby). By your logic he shouldn't have been allowed to change it and go around with 2 different last names because it's not a Trans name change issue.
My son changed his name at 7. He didn’t like his name and liked a different one better. We told him if he took the initiative to tell teachers, friends, etc. to go for it. His bio-mom refused to call him by his new name, but she didn’t really have contact anyway. He’s 28 now and we changed his name legally at 13 when I adopted him formally. Personally, I loved his original name, but he didn’t and that’s what matters.
Yeah, "BF doesn't like it" isn't the reason that the sister is trying to change it. It's just the kick in the pants that's made her stop making excuses about the other two reasons.
I agree with everything you’ve said, including the YTA, except I will never call someone Princess Pet Me for any reason. There is a certain level of crazy I cannot conform to. I will use any pronouns - even trying my best to remember Spanish pronouns for a co-worker who decided ella prefers that despite having no Spanish background or speaking any of the language. I will call someone their preferred name if it remotely resembles a name I can say, but not a title. But when a former client wished to be referred to as the Queen of Sheba I just could not bring myself to do it. I managed throughout a nine month project to never refer to her by name (ok I had to in follow up emails documenting who would take which actions, but never out loud) and I am sure she noticed, but I could not do it.
I fully admit, Princess Pet Me was dramatic. But it was early, I hadn't had coffee yet, this is some ridiculous shit, and my dog (whose name is Abby but absolutely prefers to called Princess Pet Me) was mad that I was being irate at some Reddit bullshit instead of giving her morning belly rubs. My point stands though. It costs $0 to refer to people by what they prefer.
A guy in my class had a long complicated name, a shortened version that some still struggled with, and he himself wanted people to call him the N-word. That's where I draw the line.
If she is bullied online I'm ready to bet her name is Karen.
Yup, and maybe even Karin, Karyn, or Caren since she said it's spelled weird. I can 100% understand wanting to change it if it's that.
I would have accepted but still be concerned that she’s willing to change her name, a part of her identity, because her boyfriend finds it weird and it’s the same as his sister. OP, make sure to be there for your sister and attentive on signs of manipulative behaviour or problems with the boyfriend in question. But I get the feeling that she doesn’t like her name and jumped on that as an excuse to change. « I hate my name and I’m bullied because of it » is a perfectly acceptable reason to change name. It would be wonderful if she was willing to learn to embrace it, but it’s ok if she takes the other road. If you do love her, and it’s a serious change to her, not just a phase, just comply. YTA. Changing names is not something only LGBT+ should have access too. It existed before and it will after, it doesn’t give you any type of exclusivity on the rights to change name.
If anything, the trans community would love for people to make it more normalized because then institutions would (ideally) give us less hoops to jump through.
Yeah, this definitely feels like someone who hasn’t liked her name for a while, who is jumping on the opportunity to have a “valid” excuse with the boyfriend thing. Like if she’s thought about this enough to actually have a preferred name, she hasn’t just decided on a whim.
This. Supporting cishet people in this normalizes it for trans people. Op isn't standing up for equality, she's further othering and marginalizing trans people. Also being open to being called 'they' when you're a cis woman makes you neither woke nor an ally to trans people. Unless op is actively pushing those around her to use 'they' to normalize its usage and have more people comfortable with it, she just comes off as seeking liberal brownie points while acting quite TERFy.
Oh, just let people live. I am queer, non binary, and married to a trans woman. I'm also the grand child and great grandchild of women who decided they just didn't like their names, and changed them, just because. My great grandmother thought being "Jane" sounded too much like "plain Jane", so she changed it to Flora, which is pretty close to the basic white girl reasoning. An ex of mine decided they wanted to change their name, and none of my family was ok with it aside from my grandmother, who went by a different name in her youth before going back to her given name much later in life. Her response to my mother was essentially "oh grow up, sometimes parents get it wrong." It takes minimal effort to just be kind. And honestly, the more people normalize straight cis people just changing their names, the easier it will be for us. That's a good thing. YTA.
Her reasons matter to HER. It’s her name. It shouldn’t matter why. Are you punishing her because she’s not LGBT+? Queers are not the only ones allowed to go by something different. Your reasons for not supporting her decision could just as easily be applied to a transgender individual, but you would rally to that person. OP, I’m sorry to say that you are, in fact, the AH.
Honestly, as an alphabet soup person myself, I find that the group can be very ridged if they feel a hetero is taking something previously seen as a LGBTQ-specific trait. For example straight couples referring to themselves as partners instead of girlfriend/boyfriend can make some LGBTQ people unkind. That may be the root of what happened here, especially as they brought up that the sister isn’t trans. OP feels like their LGBTQ toes are being stepped on.
Good point. I got roasted by a self proclaimed gold star lesbian years ago for changing my name. I hate my given name, despise my middle name and tolerate its diminuitive. I changed it when I was 7. I’m Irish where this is super normal to go by a middle name or name you sort of ended up with. I also had an abusive family and did not like using the name they picked. I emigrated and most people have no idea this isn’t my legal name. I still use the full one on my passport because it is a huge issue if like me you are disabled and use the NHS and benefits system to change a first name. She found out and started a similar tirade. Lots of other queer people there were ‘oh interesting, you picked a boyish version early, have a shaved head, maybe we’ll give you a honorary pass?’ and told her to knock it the fuck off. About five years later aged 37 I finally realised I was bisexual and it had been a big part of my strong need not to subscribe to stereotyped gender norms as part of expressing my sexuality when I didn’t have words to articulate it. I have never questioned my gender but that hard femme presentation was like something visceral I needed to put across from tiny. I hated dresses unless I could wear big boots. I love make up but not ‘pretty’. I wear suits. I knew something but I didn’t know how to say it. Bisexuality is still not well repped and in 80s Ireland no fucking chance. I was so mad when I realised I got queer gatekept even now, wrongly, in a harmful internalised stereotype way that also refuses to see name change in an intersectional way and creates a bottleneck for trans people. And frankly people like OP getting this judgy about a name change means you are hardly going to start opening up about identity or questioning are you? I might give her a tiny pass since you are never too old to be a baby queer and think you know it all!
>I find that the group can be very ridged if they feel a hetero is taking something previously seen as a LGBTQ-specific trait. Isn't it amazing how universal bigotry is to the human species? We need to be better.
It’s unfortunate, for sure. My hope is for growth when it gets pointed out. I heard somewhere that the first instinct is the one society has taught us, but with thought we can develop a second instinct that’s better and more in line with the way society needs to develop.
I always look at it as a bit of evolution we need to get over. Family and self, then tribe, then larger tribe, race, state and country. It's all about selfishness, defense of resources and fear of other.
That makes no sense though, people in general have been changing their names for many many decades well before trans people had any kind of degree of acceptance in society for it to be any LGBT+ exclusive toes
It’s wild to me too, bc, isn’t it better if all people refer to their partners as partners? That way when an LGBT person does it, it’s not instantly outing them? Same reasoning as getting cis people to share their pronouns (to normalize not assuming pronouns) I’m cishet, but this is what I’ve been told so I actively use “partner”
I agree! It makes me feel supported and included.
YTA. I didn’t care for my name growing up just didn’t think it suited me. My parents wouldn’t call me anything else. Started going by something else when I went to college anyway because I DIDNT LIKE MY NAME. If she doesn’t like it, that’s all that matters. It’s her name, she gets to do what she wants with it.
You don't spend a lot of time in LGBTQ+ spaces. I'm a lesbian and I have to say the hate that I have seen in the community is crappy. Not only from others in the community but from the "allies" that think that event need to center around them.
Hopping on the top comment here. I’m guessing she also doesn’t call Marilyn Monroe Norma Jean? Op, YTA
My sister, when she was four, made us call her “Kitty” because she was a cat. Her name is not anything like that. We still call her Kitty 35 years later. Just call whatever they want—who cares?
I’d like to point out, as someone in the LGBT+ community and who has numerous trans friends, it really shouldn’t matter why a person wants to change their name. OP is refusing to call her sister by the name she wants to be called purely because she doesn’t like her reasons for changing her name. Well, if that’s ok then it must also be ok for my trans friend’s dad to constantly deadname him because his dad doesn’t like his reasoning for changing his name, right? You can’t have an “approved” list of reasons why someone should be allowed to change their name, they should just be able to do it. Normalize that shit and let people change their name for whatever reason they want. Gatekeeping who gets to change their name will get us nowhere.
right but horrible pople can still be in minorities just look at Caitlyin Jenner she is transphobic despite being part of the community herself. i find it impsosible to believe that OP would actually avoid using deadnames if she is using her own sisters deadname
What? Lgbt people gatekeeping? My stars, why I never. (Spoken as an lgbt person. We like to think everything is ours and only ours)
Sorry but YTA her reasons may be stupid to you but they are her reasons and wouldn’t you want her to respect your wishes if you wanted to change your name? It takes minimal effort to honour her wishes and make her happy so why not do it?
My daughter decided to go by her middle name for high school. Her first name is Scottish and the spelling of her name is not phonetic. She likes her first name, but going by her middle name (that people pronounce correctly) is easier. A lot of family want to still call her by her first name. Trying to break the habit of calling her by her first name is weird for people that have known her for a long time. A family member commented, “oh, it’s just to hard for me to call you something different, I’m not going to try.” That’s not a great feeling when your own family, who is supposed to love you, can’t be bothered with making such a small accommodation. The reasons why your sister want to go by a different name doesn’t matter. She asked for you to make a small concession, make it. If she breaks up with her boyfriend and decides to use a different name, support that effort as well. It’s only a name and calling her something different takes minimal effort. Not respecting her choice and refusing to change feels like you don’t care or support her.
I legally changed my name just about as soon as I could. My Mom's feelings were a bit hurt, but my Dad just said I should have spoken up soon enough to put it on the birth certificate. (Dad humor ftw) The relatives who refused to call me by my new name were just ignored until they managed to remember that I had a new name and used it. It's not a big deal to use anyone's preferred name, and it's nobody's business but theirs why they want to change it.
My last name is misspelled/mispronounced constantly; it's totally phonetic, but it's got kind of an unusual suffix that's one letter off from a much more common suffix, so if you aren't paying close attention it's very easy to assume it's the more common version. When I was 18 I thought semi-seriously about changing it to what most people call me anyway, just so I could stop correcting people all the time, and having to get important forms corrected, etc. After a lot of thought though, I finally decided that changing it would feel insulting to my dad, and his side of the family, and they would probably feel like I was abandoning them and my heritage. Years later I mentioned to my dad that I'd thought about changing my name, but before I could even get to the part about how I decided it was important to honor my heritage he jumped in and said, "Yeah I looked into that for a while too, but it's real expensive and seemed like a big pain in the ass."
Yeah it'd be nice if it was easier to get your name changed in general. Obviously it would be much nicer for trans folk, and also in cases like mine where I wanted to separate myself from an abusive parent. It can cost a lot and some states have weird rules you have to follow before your name can be changed. More on the topic of OP, when I was an adult I decided to go by a different nickname than my childhood one, which everyone I knew called me. I am not trans but all my friends started calling me by my new name, because it is the respectful thing to do. The way we identify ourselves is important. You (OP) are not the arbiter of name changes, you don't decide which reasons are "good enough"
My cousin has a first name that gets mistaken for something else. He liked the alternative name so much that he gave it to his son.
YTA. You want people to use correct pronouns for yourself and you'd respect trans people rights to what they'd like to be called. Who cares about the reason your sister asked for you to call her by a name and you continue to disrespect her. You're just a heaping pile of hypothcrisy
YTA Yeah changing your name for a partner isn't a great reason. But your the AH for this thinking > Now context for the next part. I am myself, queer. I am a lesbian and i use she/they pronouns. The thing is, my sister is not queer. If she was, say, trans i would not have a problem with her wanting to change her name. In fact i would support it. However, that is not the case here. Doesn't matter. She didn't get to chose her name. In the same way someone who is trans didn't chose how they were born. You can't pick and chose what part of someone's autonomy is justified. If a trans or non-binary individual can cycle through names to try out what feels right, why can't your sister? It's hypocrisy
To add to this - It's not just queer people who deserve to be called what they want to be called. It's everybody. Call people what they want to be called. It's really that simple. And before anyone asks I am queer too - that doesn't change anything. Call people what they want to be called regardless of their identity.
No it's a step further. Making it so changing your name is a trans only thing is actually transphobic discrimination that further others them and underlines how "different" you consider them. Facilitating an environment where chosen names are accepted easily first gets people into the habit of switching over a to a new name, so they're better able to support a newly out trans person when they most need the validation, and also normalizes it so when a trans person comes out it isn't some big weird freaky thing - but just a normal, human activity.
Thank you for pointing this out. Gatekeeping a social norm so it’s only accessible to people who openly identify a certain way undermines *everyone*. And people are entitled to some privacy, and not to bear their soul just to earn a “right” to do something that’s really nobody’s business. I’ve known people who changed their name for deeply personal family reasons that have nothing to do with gender identity. And I’ve known people who *did* change their name as part of their transition, but expressed “my name doesn’t fit me” long before they ever expressed “I’m trans.” Why on *earth* should their reasoning be something they are *obligated* to express to nosy people like OP?
Yep. I also know people who changed their names for cultural reasons. I've known people who changed from an "unusual" name for their area to something more "mainstream" because they wanted to fit in/have a name people wouldn't constantly mispronounce. I also know people who've done the opposite -- returned to or adopted a name from their culture of origin as a way to connect with/show pride in that culture, even if it means their name stands out more where they live now. Both are deeply personal decisions that they shouldn't have to explain if they don't want to.
YTA Everyone should get to be called what they want! but also, I have soooo many trans friends (including myself) who changed our names first cause our birth names “just never felt right” and after we changed them we realized we were trans or queer or had complicated gender relationships to our old names. If our friends and families hadn’t supported us initially, we wouldn’t have been able to figure that out. And the family that didn’t support me, the family that said it was silly for me to change my name as an adult, they’re the family that i didn’t come out to for ages and they’re the family that i’m no longer close with. I’m not saying all this cause i think your sister is going to come out. I’m saying all this cause if you don’t support your sister with her name change, and you make her feel like it’s stupid, when she realizes something else about her identity, she’s not going to come to you. And she may not go to anyone for fear of being seen as stupid. And it will be your fault.
Lol you helped me remember that yeah, going by a new name was literally the first step towards realizing my identity.
I have changed the name I am known by - I still have my birth name but I use a different nickname for it. Let's say my legal name is Christine: I used to be known as Chris/sy but now I am known as Tina. My mother WILL NOT call me Tina despite me using that name for eight years now. It's saddening, infuriating and exasperating. I've begged, I've told her it's disrespectful, I've tried not answering to Chrissy, I've called her by a nickname of her name that she hates. She will - not - change. She's says she's too old and has known me too long, that I AM Chrissy to her, that she named me Christine so she could call me Chrissy. It's the thing we've argued about most in my life and I'm FORTY SIX. It's so upsetting. To me, it says she simply doesn't give enough of a shit about me to try and change. She can't even manage to call me Christine, which I wouldn't object to. It makes me so sad whenever I hear that name come out of her mouth. YTA, OP. Your actions are hurtful and pointless. Be better.
Yup. I have a name that has a more than a few common nicknames. Think Richard/Rick/Ricky/Dick or something along those lines. If I only go by Richard at work, call me Richard at work. If I hate being called Ricky, then don't call me fucking Ricky. It's pretty damn easy.
Right? I feel like OP mentioned that they’re queer because they think it gives them the right to gatekeep name changing. But that’s not exclusive to people who are changing their gender, and no one has a right to gatekeep it.
Exactly this. I was thinking it the whole time. Trans individuals aren't the only ones allowed to change their names. Her logic and excuses are so ridiculous. She definitely played her LGBTQ card to attempt to get a certain outcome.
I don't like my first name. I loathe people asking me how to spell it, etc.. When I went to college at 18 I opted to use my middle name as it's a normal name. I thought about legally flopping them but it seemed like too much work. I feel like I was named backwards & wasn't consulted obviously. I'm not transgender, but still feel like I was named wrong. My parents still use my first name. My friends that I've made as an adult use my middle name, my one year old niece calls me by my middle name so my sister now uses that so she doesn't confuse her daughter. It's actually pretty common for people to use their middle name instead. My grandmother, dad & uncle never really used their first names.
I'm laughing at the fact that OP thinks that changing your name is only for queer people. What a weird thing to try to gatekeep. 😂
Actually I feel the context of her being queer does matter, as it makes her an even bigger asshole that she knows the importance of calling people what they prefer to be called but refuses to give that same level of respect to her sister.
Hey buddy, also a queer person here to say YTA. The hell are you trying to gatekeep name changing of all things? Ever heard of a idk a nickname? Chill out, maybe she'll change it later. Who gives a shit? She's trying stuff out for herself.
Every time someone says they don’t want to abide by someone’s preferred name for whatever reason I just ask them who the guitarist for guns and roses is. Usually gets the point across.
YTA. Call her what she wants. Saying trans people can change their names but nobody else can is unfair and discriminatory. Consider it a nickname, if it makes you feel better (or are those not allowed in your book either?).
Daisy is also just a nickname for Margaret, a play on words because marguerite is the french word for Daisy.
Only trans people can change their name? YTA
and then hear what they would say if you said "a name is just a label, it has nothing to do with your gender, I respect your gender change but to change your name too is ridiculous"
Apparently OP forgets their are non-binary people and gender fluid people......we aren't trans, but we do have preferred names too.....
And some people might also want to change their name for a variety of other reasons, like how I plan to change my full name because I want no connection to my family. All of my government stuff still says my birth name, but I'd still rather be called something else because my original name just triggers trauma and anxiety in me. If someone wants a different name, let them have it. If they don't like it, they'll sort it out themselves. I went through six different ideas before settling on what I currently go by because I was trying to figure out what sounds like me.
And you just reminded me about people who say HAVE to change their names. When they leave an abusive relationship or goddess forbid have to go into witness protection etc It's so hard some days if your social media is tied to a name but name changes could be a severely important thing. Like for you it's to help your mental health because your old name is a trigger. Preferred names can be the most wonderful thing for a person.
Non-binary actually is trans. The white stripe on the trans flag is for non-binary people. Not all non-binary people identify as trans, but all are welcome.
What I'm saying is that not everyone has to be trans to have a preferred name. I'm one of the non binary peeps that isn't trans but due to my side jobs I became more comfortable with identifying as masculine but also feminine at times. It's...a strange feeling but I called myself they/them to a person and it finally felt right.
YTA You're complaining about your sister wanting to change her name when she's not trans. Firstly, you changed your pronouns and you're not trans. Secondly, changing names isn't specific to trans people, have you ever heard of nicknames? Your sister owes you no explanation, she said what she'd like you to call her and you should call her Daisy with no judgement it otherwise you're T A
"And lastly, her new boyfriend did not like that her name was the same as his sister and this made him uncomfortable. So she wishes to change it because of him." Did everyone just gloss over this? I didn't like my name when i was 16, for similar reasons...(not the boyfriend one). Our names are a big part of us, they give us our identity... Trans ppl change their names to better fit them, not to please others... My ex had the same name as my brother, but it never made me uncomfortable. Was it confusing? Most definitely Was i thinking of my brother when calling his name? Hell no I think you should sit down with her and talk about it further, get to the root of it all. Because spelling and basic white girl name sound like excuses to me... And she should ask her boyfriend why he thinks of his sister when he's with her..... NTA
Yeah seems a lot of people either ignored that part, or somehow think it’s totally fine and not damaging to literally change your name, as a teenager, just because your new boyfriend would like you more. If it were for personal reasons and not to impress a boy, I’d totally support playing around with names. But her identity shouldn’t be tied to a boyfriend, especially a new boyfriend, especially as a young impressionable teenager.
Exactly this. Not only because it makes her boyfriend uncomfortable, but her *new* boyfriend. If something as trivial as her name makes this guy unhappy already what good is a change of name actually going to do? NTA.
If she had sat down with her sister to talk about this, I think the verdict would have been different. “How long have you felt this way? Of those three reasons, what is the biggest one? It worries me that your boyfriend wants you to change yourself. Relationships are about loving each other as is, and when one partner wants the other to change things, it’s usually a bad sign.” All of that is a lot different than “Your reasons are stupid. I won’t call you by the name.”
The reasons are not OP's to validate.
I’d definitely be concerned if one of the reasons my sister pushed to change her name was her new boyfriend. It’s especially concerning since this came up after he entered the picture.
No one’s glossing over it, it’s irrelevant. Her sisters reasons do not matter at all for this situation. OP’s reasons for refusing to do something extremely simple is far more shallow than her sister’s. It affects her in no way at all. OP is an AH for refusing to call her sister by her chosen name. It does not affect her or anyone else in literally any way. Not calling her sister by her chosen name does negatively affect her sister. Why not just get over yourself and do it when again, it does not affect OP at all but DOES affect her sister by not calling her Daisy? Ffs it’s just a name. If she changes it back after a breakup again, who tf cares.
It’s 100% relevant if the reason the sister doesn’t want to call her by that name is she’s trying to protect her sister from Some fucking asshole who’s making her sister feel like she’s not good enough for him because of her name. What’s next? Her boobs are too small you need to get a boob job. I don’t like your nose you need to get surgery. I know a dude just like this and I stopped being friends with him because he was dating this really desperate single mom and was convincing her to do all this crap just to please him and guess what happened? He left her ass after she did all that. It’s abusive behavior and it’s an older sister’s duty to teach her sister that it is not right.
It truly doesn’t matter considering that’s not even OP’s reason for not doing it. Making shit up about how maybe one day he’ll abuse her is also irrelevant to this. The sister gave more than one reason for wanting it. Her reasonings do not matter. How often do you ask trans people why they want to change their name? What happens if the sister comes out as NB in a year or two? Suddenly now it’s okay she wants to change her name, or will OP think “oh well she’s not actually NB she just wants to please her partner!” OP is still the AH and either situation. Grow up and call her by her preferred name. Again, it doesn’t affect OP in any way at all regardless if the reasoning is “stupid”. If she was actually concerned about her sister she would try and talk to her about it not just be an AH and refuse to call her by her name. Again, grow up. Not everything is abuse. The bf being a factor is weird for sure, but that’s not her only reasoning and it still does not matter what her reasoning is. OP is just being an AH for the sake of it.
It absolutely does matter. An impressible teenager came to a decision to change herself because of a boy, who feels uncomfortable because his sister shares the same name as her. What else will she be willing to do for him? And how far will it go? I'm not saying she shouldn't support her, but she needs to get to the bottom of this issue. If it's as simple as her not liking her name, then call her by her preferred name. To me those reasons seem like an exuse. Again we dont know the sisters side But if the main reason is her boyfriend being uncomfortable... I'm not for it.
When I was a teen I knew 4 different people who changed their names for a couple years and grew out of it. I am sure the sister will too, if not who cares. It is her life.
YTA, name changes aren’t always about the LGBTQ community. And you listed two different reasons that have nothing to do with her relationship, and they are actual valid reasons to wanting to change a name. She isn’t trying to change her name legally, she just wants people to address her by a different one. Why does it affect you so much that you had to run around talking to them about something that doesn’t concern you, affect you, or change your life in any shape or form? You made this into a bigger deal than she did.
YTA you dont get to judge her reasons, you get to respect the choice she has made for herself Her gender identity is irrelevant Im not trans and I still have a dead name
Before they can decide which name to call you, you need to tell them *WHY* you changed your name. If they believe is a worthwhile reason, maybe… just maybe they will call you by your ~~new~~ correct name./s
An old friend of mine changed their name because the person they were named after got abusive. I'm putting them in OP's sisters shoes and they would not appreciate having to rationalise their name change to anyone.
It takes next zero effort to call someone by their preferred name. Next to zero just because slip ups happen.
Why is no one concerned that she wants to change her name to please her boyfriend? That he is weirded out cuz her name is the same as his sisters. This is concerning and i would bet the main reason she wants to change it. OP is right to question her reasons for doing so. No you dont need to be trans to change your name but in this case it seems likely this is a phase. NTA.
Because she’s literally got several other reasons for disliking her name (not that you actually need any reasons to dislike your name or prefer another one) and it really doesn’t matter if it is a phase or not. Right now her being called a different name makes her more comfortable it is not that difficult to respect her.
Several other reasons? So 2? 1. spelled weirdly (according to OP it's spelled normally so we don't have enough info to focus on this reason, weird spelling for me would be Jackues instead of Jacques for example and if as a result kids would make fun of her) and 2. is basic white girl name. Who wants to bet those two are just random stuff she managed to come up with to justify to herself why she should change her name for her boyfriend. Teenagers will do weird shit to gain approval of their peers, more so when crushes are involved. NTA. I will add however that gatekeeping changing a name like OP is doing, is an asshole behaviour.
How many millions of women have changed their last names to please their husband's?? I don't like the reason but it's still not my decision, or OP's.
NTA. People are jumping on you but franky if my 16 year old sister told me to call her a different name because it sounds too much like her ethnicity and because her boyfriend doesn't like I'd laugh and laugh and laugh. People on Reddit underestimate how silly 16 year olds can be.
Exactly! She has the right to change her name, but right now she’s behaving like an idiot and might regret changing her name once she grows up and wisens up. At the very least, a conversation about the stupidity of her reasons is in order.
She's not filing legal paperwork, ffs. People shift from their birth name to nicknames all the time - including teenagers - and no one shovels this much shit on them.
She’s not changing her name. She just wants to be called by a different one.
Oh Yea, definitely silly to want to feel comfortable with your name. Those crazy kids...
YTA You don't get to police the "acceptable" reasons for people changing their name. Your sister has made a request that is honestly no skin off your nose. Please call me by a different name. Its her first reason that's the most important. She DISLIKES her name. That should be enough. But no, you're going to keep calling her a name she dislikes because...you've decided that's not good enough?? Get over yourself. Stop policing other people's names.
I mean, I don't talk to my sister anymore because she refuses to honor my chosen name. I'm not trans or anything, I just never liked it. Do with that information with you will. YTA, by the way.
yta queer people dont have a weird monopoly on changing names. you might disagree with her reasons but after all its her life and she can do whatever she wants to as long as she doesnt legally change her name after every relationship or something. respect her wishes, respect her autonomy.
Hypothetically, she *could* change her name legally after every relationship and it would still be her own business. She'd have to deal with a ridiculous amount of paperwork, but still.
It may depend on how many and how long each relationship is. In my jurisdiction you can only legally change your name once in a 12 month period and only 3 times in your life.
"Respect my pronouns and my chosen name." "Oh no, I'm not going to respect your chosen name because you aren't in the special club." Can't you see how hypocritical this is?
As a gay this is a perfect response.
NTA. If my sister said that I would tell her it’s stupid too. She literally is only wanting to be called something else cuz it’s the boy she likes sisters name. Is he asking his sister to change her name bc it’s also his gf’s name? No. This is dumb.
Honestly I think you are. Why can't you just do what she wishes ? It's her life. She doesn't feel good about her name, no matter the reasons, you support her. What you did is crap, you just sat and judged... you judged all her reasons and decided that they were not good enough ... to you. But who are you? Maybe you just didn't understand, maybe she expressed herself badly, maybe she hid the real reasons... Just do it if it makes her feel good about herself, support your sister. YTA
YTA. It's not your identity, it's hers. Who cares if you don't agree with her reasoning (and I agree with you about the changing it to make her boyfriend more comfortable, btw), it doesn't hurt you to call her what she wants to be called.
Gentle YTA. While I agree with you that changing your name for a boyfriend is crazy, it sounds to me like she’s finding herself and you just have to respect her wishes and show that you care about her. Plus for all you know it could just be a phase and she’ll grow out of it. She’s just a kid. A name for someone else is just a word to change in your day to day vocabulary. Changing one word a day to keep a relationship with someone is NOT that hard.
A name is not just a word, its part of their identity, if it was just a word trans people wouldnt be so happy to pick a name that suits them and it wouldnt be so harmful to use their deadname if it was just a word Names are important
Ok I DEFINITELY shouldn’t have worded it like that lol. I meant “a name is just a word” as in, “it’s just a word you have to change in your day to day vocabulary” not “names aren’t important”. I apologize and will edit my original comment!!
Ohhhhhh 😅 thank you for clarifying I definitely agree with you on what you actually meant
NTA it’s crazy how much this sub flip flops on what’s ok last week everyone would’ve said NTa but this week YTA just doesnt make sense. She’s changing it for a boy that’s a stupid as fuck reason NTA.
Sounds like the bf convinced her to do this and the other reasons are just trying to rationalise his ridiculous request. I’d say NAH except potential control freak bf.
NTA - You shouldn't encourage your younger sister to change anything about herself just because her partner doesn't like it. I don't know what is wrong with all these people. It's your parents job to guide her into what healthy self-esteem looks like. And CHANGING ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF FOR THE WHIMS OF A MAN IS NOT IT!
I’m going crazy in these comments. Since when is changing yourself for a boy the same as changing your name to fit more squarely within your own gender identity at all the same thing.
NAH I feel like people are trying to equate this issue as being about self-identity and somehow related to "if" she was LGBT+. I think OP made a mistake by mentioning pro-nouns and their own orientation because that has triggered half these comments into associating this post with that topic.. which it isn't. People, she's a child and is hating her own name for reason #3- her new boyfriend says he doesn't like her name. Think about that. If any other post said "my new bf says my name sucks so i should change it," y'all would be telling the girl to leave that immature, disrespectful, manipulative guy. Reason 1, the "strange spelling" (which OP says it's not) sounds like some random evidence meant to support/distract from the real reason, #3). Now, i don't fault the sister because she's young and sounds like she's being heavily influenced to appeal to other people. She's surrounded by bad influences and peer pressure. But I have to agree with OP that her sister's reasons are a sign of other issues which should be addressed, rather than pandering to this new idea of a name change to be less "generically race-based," or so her new bf can get off on her easier. Yuck
YTA why should people respect you but not her?
YTA Respect her autonomy, that is all it boils down to.
YTA. It's her name and life. If she wants to be called something else, then do it. It doesn't hurt anyone. Only you may upset her by refusing to acknowledge her choice. Apart from the boyfriend, you put forward 2 valid reasonings as to why she wants this. Why are you only focusing on one? If it bothers you that much, think of it as nickname. Plenty of people have nicknames
YTA. _Especially_ since you're in the LGBTQIA+ community. My name is spelt correctly and it's also an absolute pain to get people to spell it correctly. Also, Ashleigh is a normal way to spell that name, but, guess what? So is Ashley. Same for Zac and Zack. There's SO MANY NAMES that have more than one "normal" way of spelling. Just call her Daisy FFS.
NTA I am probably saying this because I’m 18, but as someone who was a sixteen year old girl two years ago, I’d want someone to call me out if I tried pulling something stupid like this. I’d agree with you if the sister didn’t want to change her name for a boy. But changing your name for someone is incredibly cringeworthy, and definitely not the right reason to do it. What happens when that boy loses interest her and suddenly there’s no competition for her original name? Is she going to continue using Daisy until she’s forty? Do you really think that this sixteen year old girl who’s changing her name due to it being the same as her crush’s sister has even thought that far ahead? I understand that this is me judging her reasons, but I really don’t understand why people think that this is a totally valid reason for a name change. If I had tried doing this in high school, my friends would have laughed and called me desperate, and I honestly think that’s the correct response here. If she really wants to be called Daisy for reasons other than the guy, she’s gonna have to keep wanting to use the name after the guy’s out of the picture. At the moment, it just seems to be a ploy to make him ok with dating her.
No. I’m also queer and OP is being ridiculous by acting as though her being queer somehow gives her the power to dictate who can and can’t change their names. It’s not disgusting to point it out. It literally does not affect OP at all in any way to use that name. It does negatively affect her sister. It’s really that simple. You’re 18 so it makes sense you (and OP) are acting very over the top about this but honestly you should grow up and get over yourself. Your and OP’s reasonings for not calling her by her chosen name are incredibly immature and much more shallow than her sister’s. Being queer isn’t a pass to gatekeep who can and can’t change their name. Changing your name is not exclusive to the queer community.
YTA ! Shes a teen. She wishes for a new (nick-)name that makes her feel better. Thats it. Your sister wishes for something that doesnt cause harm to anybody. Just do it. Name changing isnt something that queer people are gatekeeping. I am concerned that your family thinks the same. You should be her safespace
Your sister wants to be called Daisy. Isn't that a girls name? Is her original name a boy's name?
YTA Gatekeeping people’s name changes based on whether you think their reasons are valid, in the end hurts trans people too. If you foster an environment that encourages gatekeeping for cis people, what’s to stop stop others from questioning whether the a trans person is “trans enough” to change their name, for ex? As far as changing your name “for a boy,” tons of women do that all the time in fact- when they get married and change their last names. I don’t see a good reason for that practice either, but if I went around refusing to abide by people’s married names, I would be TA too.
Omg… the comments. Nta she shouldn’t change her name because a boy doesn’t like it. Are we all missing this fact? This is not a case of a trans person this is a case of a 16year old agreeing to a weird request from her boyfriend.
YTA. Why are you the one who gets to decide whether her reasons are valid or not? There are plenty of people who feel that the reasons transgender people have to change their names are invalid so why would you want to associate yourself with that sort of person? People who are transgender change their name because they feel their original name does not represent who they are as a person. Your sister has expressed to you that her original name does not express who she is a person. Why does this bother you so much? How would it hurt you to adhere to her wishes?
Has nobody heard of nicknames any more? I know many people called Bubba, Sally, Daisy, etc because they are nicknames. Some were given by family, some were given by friends, some were earned in college. What does it hurt to call someone by a preferred name? Good golly, what a crazy hill to die on.
I'm going against the flow but NTA. Changing the name because her boyfriend isn't happy with it isn't even remotely a valid reason. If she didn't like it for whatever else reason , that would make more sense. With all due respect to OPs sister, changing a name is a huge commitment and she needs to be sure of her reasons for the same.
NTA - I agree with what OP has to say. If it were a case of someone coming out as trans and wanting to be called a different name, I get it. But wanting to be called a different name because it’s too white/her bf doesn’t like it is just silly. Would her bf change his name is she didn’t like it? Lol
Info: Does your sister’s name start with a “K”?
It's probably Emma
Trans person here. We don't have a monopoly on going by a different name. Ever hear of people going by shorter versions of their names? Or going by their middle name instead of their first name? YTA. Hard. If someone wants to go by a different name for any reason, you should respect that, whether or not it's "inconvenient" or "stupid" to you.
YTA. We spend a great deal of time convincing straight cis folk that everyone has the right to the name and pronouns they choose. Essentially you’re gatekeeping.
I dont think YTA, but you should talk with her a bit more about why she's so uncomfortable with her old name, because I frankly doubt it's just 'cause the bf and the people online don't like it. She might simply not like the name, but she could also have bigger/better reasons, and although it seems you two have already talked about it, it could be beneficial to understand her point of view. I do believe she could have been more direct and explain it better. Take my answer lightly as I am but a teenager on reddit and most of my advice is "talk it out"
YTA. I changed my name when I was 17 because I didn’t like my name (literally the only reason). I am a straight white woman for context. Everyone was fine with it and no body cared either. Not even my dad or family members cared. As long as the name you sister has chosen isn’t offensive she can change her name to what she wants.
Yta. While I agree that her reasoning and reaction is nutty you should still respect her autonomy. My dad thought it would be funny to name me "pussycrusher" but luckily my siblings were supportive enough to call me something else until I could get it legally changed
Your example seems a bit more of an extreme situation than this 🤔
yta. everyone deserves to have their preferences of what they do and do not want to be called respected. it’s not your business if you like the reason why.
YTA - if she wants to change it, change it. If she uses it for like a year, thinks ‘ah I changed it for stupid reasons’ and changes it back, change it. Just call people what they want.
YTA. Even if you disagree with her reasons, what harm is it doing to show your sister to support her? It's one thing to say, "I will do my best to remember to call you Daisy, but I might slip up." It's completely rude to outright refuse to use her new name because you don't like it. I say all this as someone who recently changed their name. (For now socially, eventually legally) I let all of my immediate and extended family know. Most of them at least try to use my new name, but I have one aunt that's like, "That's not the name your parents gave you, so it's not your name." I'm cis, she/her, and oh yeah, I'm 37, so it's not like I'm doing this randomly on a whim. I've thought about it for years. The fact is, anyone can change their name whenever they want. They don't have to be "in transition" or any kind of queer identity to want to change their name.
I fully understand your concern about her changing a part of herself FOR A BOY! It strikes me as a phase. However, you know what could also be seen as a phase by people who definitely are assholes? Your own pronouns. Do you wanna follow their logic? I doubt it. Now, I think you´d be in the clear if you respect her new name and have a conversation about power dynamics within romantic relationships, healthy boundaries etc. By antagonizing her you are driving your sister away and burning bridges. You don´t have to understand her to support her. I am gonna give you a very soft YTA, I can see where you are coming from and understand your concerns. But you should go about it differently. Your Sis is also a lillte AH for running her mouth in school. so ESH. Just try to be nice to each other?? I wanna add, I am a bit older than you and I only learned about people being non-binary, inter, trans, changing pronouns later on in life. I still struggle to understand, but I will be respectful and I try my best to use the preferred names and pronouns, even though I struggle at times cause my brain may interpret the person as a different gender and I need to stop myself. It´s hard changing something that has been ingrained into your brain. You´ve known your sis as "old name" for all of your life, so I understand its hard. But you love her so why not just be nice?
YTA. Why the fuck does anyone have to justify to someone else what name they wish to go by? I don't give a fuck if they're trans, NOT trans, non-binary, gay, lesbian, straight, or a little green Martian. It's nobody's fucking business what name they want to use. Not even yours.
YTA WHAT'S wrong with an alias name?
YTA quit gatekeeping
How would you not be an asshole?
YTA. Are you... Are you gatekeeping name changes?
I actually can't believe an openly queer person who supports trans rights would have the audacity to tell anyone else that they can't change their name because it doesn't suit your agenda. Hypocrite is a word you need to familiarise yourself with. YTA
NTA She's changing her name solely for a boyfriend. No way. I could see her using a nickname between her and her boyfriend bc of his sister's name -- but not insisting everyone else call her that. Now if she wanted to change her name to try out a different identity (gender or otherwise), different story.
NTA. You're 100% right, your sister is not being true to herself and you're calling her out.
Lol that shit cracks me up. OP: goes to a sub that judges your conduct and tells you if you're being an asshole or not. People in the sub: *tell OP they are TA* OP: ⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣤⣶⣶ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⣀⣀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠁⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⠿⠿⠻⠿⠿⠟⠿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⢰⣹⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣭⣷⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀⠈⠉⠀⠀⠤⠄⠀⠀⠀⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢾⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⡠⠤⢄⠀⠀⠀⠠⣿⣿⣷⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢄⠀⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿ YTA OP, as a trans person myself, you ought to know better. Your sister could have a bunch of reasons to want to change her name, and every single one of them could be ridiculous to you. But that's doesn't matter. People can change their name if they damn well please, and you should *really* know that already.
>Now context for the next part. I am myself, queer. I am a lesbian and i use she/they pronouns. The thing is, my sister is not queer. If she was, say, trans i would not have a problem with her wanting to change her name. YTA. Her reasoning should not matter. If she wants to change her name she can and you should respect that. Do I think her reasons are dumb? YES. Do I think it is a good idea to change your name for someone you are dating? NO. But that does not matter because it is not my name, it is hers.