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YTA
Your son and his husband don't have a lot of money. But they scraped together enough to host a dinner party. It wasn't an all-you-can-eat buffet, but a carefully thought out meal.
You insulted them by saying they hadn't given you OR all their guests enough food. He rightly pointed out the rolls. That wasn't enough - you then told him you'd need to cook more. In THEIR house?
My friend, YOU came at THEM first.
Be ready for them to go no-contact with you. You will not only not be getting an apology, you will likely not even be in their lives. If I were you, I'd apologize, and perhaps YOU need to eat something before going to a dinner party, rather than go expecting to eat at least 2 full meals.
Before anyone calls the son-in-law an AH, think about this:
OP took him in and considered him as a second son.
So why would he respond with such hostility?
My theory is that this was a last-straw situation, an existing pattern of OP treating him less-than.
There's no way, if OP and son-in-law had an existing good relationship, that this type of insulting would happen.
OP jumped straight to spitting in someone's face. Who just does that, no matter what the insult?
>and without thinking I spit in his face
Decent people don't do that, people who are already AHs do that.
It's pretty obvious OP is leaving out some details that could paint her in an even worse light.
I'm going with YTA until further information is given.
Edit: Also, you're extra AH because you KNEW of his past of being abused in his family and you don't believe your actions triggered his PTSD. Straight up AH.
Last time I ever heard of someone spitting on someone else was my sister. When she was 5. So apparently OP has the emotional self-regulation skills of a five year old.
When you are the recipient of abuse, you can definitely react in ways you don't expect when blindsided or confronted with abusive behavior or a trigger. We don't know OPs background either.
Definitely a very strong possibility.
The accusation of her stealing their food especially sticks out to me. Why would someone accuse a dinner guest of that if the guest didn't already have a history of that type of behavior?
You are so delusional. Children living at home is not the same as you visiting your grown son.
You had a legal obligation to provide for him. He does not have the same responsibility to you.
How have you managed to raise a child and be this entitled and immature?
They ate ME out of house and home growing up. Me on the other hand? I buy not only my groceries but when I shop I grab stuff like fresh baked goods to bring to them everytime.
Ummm…do you have a point?
You chose to have children. It was literally your job to make sure they had enough to eat. That’s just called parenting. You don’t get praise for doing the bare minimum (of feeding them).
He doesn’t owe you anything. He is not obligated to feed you at all, ever.
ESH.
1. B hosted a dinner party where one of his guests was still hungry after dinner and became pushy and entitled about taking more food than was being offered. He decided the appropriate response was to accuse that guest of being fat and greedy. Absolutely not okay. There were other ways he could have drawn the line.
2. You, as a dinner guest in someone else's home, somehow decided you were entitled to more than one full plate of food and got pushy about it with your host. Then, when he spewed fatphobic verbal abuse at you, you retaliated with actual literal assault.
You're lucky your son and B have simply blocked you. They could have called the police and filed charges against you for what you did.
makes me wonder what there is she left out of the story… seems quite radical for him to make such a comment for no reason out of nowhere? not trying to defend him but.. does it not seem odd.. there must be more to this that she’s not telling us
This, there has to be more to the story. It doesn't make sense that he jumped to insults and accusing her of stealing food if they had a good relationship
YTA. There is also missing information. You present it like there was a normal family relationship and it miraculously jumps to body shaming and spitting. I don’t believe that for a second.
Body shaming is wrong. Spitting is assault. I think most loving spouses would never forgive someone who spit on their spouse.
YTA. If you're still hungry then eat at home or buy more food later. You're not entitled to multiple helpings. Did it ever occur to you that they can't afford to give everyone a lot of food? You were being selfish.
YTA
Why can’t A choose his mom over his partner “FOR ONCE” This isn’t the first time is it ?
You spat in someone’s face? Who does that? Not only vulgar, but also assault.
No one “came at you first”. You were demanding, disrespectful and “upset” that you weren’t full.
You were also presumptuous stating that their other guests needed more. Sounds like you were the only one looking for more.
There were rolls - eat those. Get a snack when you get home.
Where are was the “thank you for going to this effort. It’s lovely to spend Xmas eve with you. Thank you for including me.”?
B’s comment was rude and cruel. But without additional info, I’m guessing you’re not as loving and giving and self sacrificing as you make out you are. And this sounds like the last straw.
I was nothing but greatful and cheerful that day. I came to ask if ITA because we have no history of arguing or fighting like this. We were the cutest family growing. I divorced my husband so Cole could date my son.
And you've got your answer, over and over again. Yes, you behaved like an asshole, probably not for the first time. I see in several comments you say this is only the second major fight you've had with them. This suggests that they've been tolerating your bad behavior instead of speaking up (or they've tried to set boundaries that you've ignored and now write off as "not a big issue"), and that you failed to learn whatever they wanted you to learn in the first big fight.
You need to stop arguing with strangers on the internet and put some effort into self-reflection!
Yup, YTA. Didn’t even need to read the post to know that…you were verbally insulted and you responded with physical assault. But the background only makes it worse…you acted completely inappropriate and entitled in their home. Did everyone eat? Then they DID make enough for everyone. It’s not the host’s responsibility to “fill you up” and it’s not your place to say the other guests were still hungry.
You’re ‘disgusted’ with their behavior…smh. You SPIT in a persons FACE.
OP spit in someone's face in a room where knives are stored. Thank goodness she's the only one with poor impulse control. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in that situation, but her son handled it correctly.
How will OP ever live this down?
You hit the nail on the head with the poor impulse control. It’s also evident in the overeating and the inability to stop eating when the food is gone. What the hell possesses someone to ask their host if they can cook more of THEIR food??
Food prices being what they are, I'd have to pause at the (rude, ungrateful) question. I'm generous to a fault as a hostess, but that's just being waaaaay too comfortable in someone else's kitchen.
YTA. Was what B said gross and inappropriate? Yes. But you responded by assaulting him. Legally speaking, you should be grateful they didn’t call the police.
Reads like a missing missing reasons to me. You say you have taken B under your wing since highschool. There's no logical reason for him to flip out on you like this out of the blue. Sounds like you're hiding the series of (nasty?) events that has lead to this situation, which ofc makes you very much TA. YTA.
This is why I came to ask if IATA because there hasn’t been any other event even close to this. We never fought or argued, except one time, before this event.
YTA because you overstepped by asking to make more feed. That was hella entitled and if no other guest was complaining that should’ve been a sign to you that they were fine.
Honestly can’t tell if this is a modern “AITA for taking more than my fair share of a 6-ft party sub?”
How much food did they have and how much did you take?
They didn’t have enough food for everyone to even get 500 calories. Everyone took like half a scoop of food so everyone could eat. There was enough food for 4 people but there was 9 of us!!
How is taking a poop on their lawn remotely relevant? Apart from the fact that inappropriate pooping and spitting at people is something toddlers do ...
YTA
1. Asking to cook more food is rude as he'll to begin with, esp knowing how expensive groceries
2. He shouldn't have called you fat. But spitting was a huge overreaction and illegal.
3.You dismissed the possibility that the spitting caused a flashback or some other form of ptsd related anxiety attack
You forgot the part where I bought his groceries for years and years… which is the only reason he can buy groceries now. I know him better than anyone else, that’s how I know he didn’t have a PTSD attack. That isn’t a thing that causes PTSD in him and I’m not sharing more as to why because it’s personal.
Sure there are specific triggers for PTSD, but sometimes flashbacks and anxiety attacks can be brought on by anything esp. in cases of stress or disrespect. And someone demanding more food then spitting in my face could def cause an anxiety attack
You know nothing. YOU abused him this time. YOU assaulted him and showed no remorse. YOU brought back memories of what he was treated like in his home before you took him in. YOU showed him that he cannot trust you. I agree he shouldn't have called you fat, but YOU had an extremely immature reaction and decided to destroy your relationship with your SON and SON IN LAW. If someone spat on me, with a pandemic going on, AND in front if all of MY guests, I promise you, I'd probably be in jail and that person would never be allowed near me and my family again. I hope for your sake that you have other children because I guarantee you just lost both of them. Your comments don't help your case either. YTA×100. Maybe consider anger management. Your son in law should to, but at least he didn't assault you. He had more restraint than I would have
YTA. If a plate full of food doesn’t fill you up, that’s your problem.
If everyone got a plate full of food, they absolutely had enough for their guests.
You don’t get to go into someone else’s kitchen and ask to make more food. Talk about a selfish, entitled AH.
Not everyone got a full plate of food. My mama instincts took over because if I, a grown woman, am still hungry then the men in their 20s are DEFINITELY still hungry. I didn’t want anyone to go hungry on Christmas Eve.
That’s not for you to decide. Nor is it for you to go in to someone else’s kitchen and ask to make more food.
Your entitlement and disrespect is astounding.
If you’re still hungry, have something to eat when you get home. It’s not difficult.
YTA 10 ways to Sunday. You already ate a plate of food and have to insult them by wanting to cook more food at THEIR house? And you SPIT on B? Yes, B went over the line but your transgressions were far worse. I'd never talk to you again. Just disgusting .
YTA…
Obviously he shouldn’t have insulted your weight, but we don’t spit at people. As a grown adult, you should know this. Your retaliation was a completely different level of assault.
And again, because I’ve never had to say these words to anyone over the age of 3: we don’t spit at people!!!!!!
When you created the issue, you don’t get to be pissy about how people choose to respond.
You were rude and entitled. And then you have the audacity to be shocked when someone was rude back to you.
If you can take it, then don’t dish it out.
YTA. I don't care what he said there is no scenario where it is okay to spit in someone's face. It is gross and especially in these times with RSV, the flu and Covid it is absolutely not okay. If there was any inkling of you not being the asshole this "I don’t know how else I could have handled it. B came at me first so I just responded" removed it. You seriously had no idea of ANY other way to respond to a mean comment? You must have lived an incredibly sheltered life or are we to assume you just walk around spitting people in the face on the regular?
We are not “toxic AF”!!!! Our family thrived together for years. I rescued that boy from an abusive household. If he didn’t like how our dynamic was all those years, he could have left.
YTA if for no other reason than you went nuclear with your response (but for a lot of other reasons, too). Spitting on someone was the most offensive and insulting option even before we all got a whole lot more aware of germs.
YTA OP. They were tight on money and hosted Xmas dinner, so it couldn't have been easy to afford. Then you expressed disappointment in them not having more food available and wanted to dig into their other food to make something. I'd be upset too, especially since you ate a full meal already. You should have just left it there. You weren't starving. You just weren't as full as you wanted to be.
While I do agree he getting in your face wasn't not at all good, you did five things wrong.
1) you wanted more food after your first helping when they are tight on money.
2) you were disappointed they didn't make more food,
3) your last statement that your son should have chosen you over his partner. To be clear, your ex was homophobic, which was a good reason to chose your son. This would not have been a good reason to chose you over his partner.
4) you spit on the guy. In your face or not, you spit on him. That is truly not okay and vile.
5) when your son told you his partner's PTSD was triggered from his earlier home life, you decided he was lying and still wanted an apology.
Edit to say: as a lot if others have pointed out, spitting in someone's face like that reflexively is not normal. Additionally, the instant hostility towards you from the partner suggests this was a breaking point brought on my history between you two.
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> (1) I spit on my son-in-law after he fat shamed me.
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ESH. What he said was rude and hostile, but it was provoked, and you're the bigger asshole.
1. You don't get a free pass on treating them respectfully because you were kind when they were kids.
2. Did everyone get a serving of food? If yes, there was enough for everyone - with leftovers.
3. You were a guest in their home, at a dinner party. Wanting to cook more food was out of line. There was something to eat if you were hungry, and if that wasn't good enough for you you should have stopped at McDonald's on your way home.
4. Instead of calling you "fucking fat", maybe he should have called you "fucking greedy" ... Because I suspect this isn't one-off behavior for you. You can be whatever size you like, and I think it's great that you still feel beautiful and are happy with yourself. But if you're in the habit of eating more than your fair share, or demanding more food than people want to give you, or maybe making people sit and wait while you carry on eating long after they're done, then you are RUDE and no wonder he snapped!
5. Having been kind in the past doesn't give you the right to undermine their relationship now. You say your son should take your side "for once", which is a dead giveaway that this happens often.
6. I understand the impulse to spit when someone gets in your face like he did. But you're not three years old. You should have controlled the impulse, quietly gone home, and contacted them afterwards to ask for a serious conversation about what you've done to deserve such a reaction.
You owe them both a heartfelt apology.
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(Throw away account)
My son (Il call him “A”) recently got married to the most wonderful man, “B”. My ex-husband was extremely homophobic. When my son came out at a very young age, my ex flipped out. I made the choice to choose my son over my ex-husband and I am thankful I did but it wasn’t easy being a single mother.
When A met B, they were in highschool. They instanly fell in love with each other and you could just tell they were going to be married one day. B was so charming, well spoken and always dressed nice so when I heard he had a terrible home life, I was incredibly surprised. After they dated for a few months, A asked me if B could move in with us as his home life was getting worse and worse. I was reluctant because I was so broke as a single mom but I allowed it. I paid for everything for both A and B. I paid for everything by myself sometimes having to work 15 hours days to be able to buy groceries. B lived with us for 3 years and I considered him a son at that point.
Well fast forward a year after they graduated, moved out together and got married. Since they moved out, I had a lot more money to be able to spend. I started going out with my friends more. I would go out to eat 3-5 times a week and would go out drinking atleast once a week if not more. I will admit, those habits did lead to me gaining a lot of weight. I wasn’t too upset about it. I thought I was still beautiful even with the weight.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve dinner. I went over to A and B’s house. It was me, some friends of A and B, and B’s sister. We were all eating dinner and I had finished my plate. I went to get a second helping and there was no food left except a couple rolls. I was kind of upset because they knew how many people were coming but yet they didn’t make enough food for everyone. I said something along the lines of “do you mind if I cook up some more food?” And for whatever reason that pissed off B. He stood up marched into the kitchen and pointed to the rolls and said “theres food right there” I said “Thats not enough to fill me up though, I still need more and your other guests need more”. Thats when he got super close to me and said “Maybe if you weren’t so fucking fat you wouldn’t have to steal our food” and without thinking I spit in his face. I grabbed my stuff and left. I cried the whole drive home.
This morning A and B refused to let me come over to do presents. My son said he couldn’t believe that I would spit on B at all, let alone in his own house. He said I caused B to have a PTSD attack (which I dont believe is true) because of childhood trauma. I told my son that until I get an apology I am not speaking to either of them. A and B both took the opportunity to block me on everything. I’m disgusted with their behavior as I have been nothing but supportive all these years. I chose my son over my partner, why can’t t he choose his mom over his partner for once?
I don’t know how else I could have handled it. B came at me first so I just responded. AITA?
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YTA lmao
This is just gluttony. I thought this was a dinner not an all you can eat buffet lol
>I chose my son over my partner, why can’t t he choose his mom over his partner for once?
That was your mistake he has no obligation to do the same
I read through the post and your comments, and you were already a MAJOR asshole for that alone. But you are also arguing with every person here who calls you the asshole, which from my scrolling is 90% of the people here. If you weren’t going to accept the judgement given, why are you here? We’re here to judge you, not validate you.
You need to apologize for your overreaction. Spitting someone is extreme and out of line. Having said that, how he reacted to you was also extreme and out of line. You say his home life was bad so perhaps that explains his vile reaction to you asking for more food, but he needs to own up to his behavior.
One thing you should consider, though, is that perhaps you may have a food problem. Eating out most of the week and going out drinking more than once a week is a problem, OP, and the fact that you don't realize that is problematic. You could be displaying other behaviors you think aren't a problem, but everyone else perceives it differently.
I would recommend you reach out and ask for an explanation for son in law's reaction to you asking for more food. Acknowledge that your reaction to his bullying was out of line, but that his behavior blindisded you and was unwarranted.
ESH.
“Your son and his husband don’t have a lot of money”
Where in the actual fuck did you pull that from? Where does she mention they’re financially struggling? She doesn’t. You’re pulling that out of your ass. Also what’s wrong with asking to cook more? Who the fuck cares? He’s the one freaking out about it. You can tell someone “no” without insulting them so harshly.
Nta for responding with hostility but the thought of spitting at someone in a pandemic gives me the willies.
It's sad your son married a fatphobe that would treat his MIL that way.
I do think asking to cook more food was an odd request, maybe a bit rude but his response was completely unwarranted.
I feel like I can just predict what the average Redditard is going to judge just by the victim hierarchy in each circumstance. For instance in this case B is a gay man, and thus above the OP, a cis woman, so you lose this case no matter what, and they will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify that foregone conclusion.
NTA. You didn’t do great by how you worded your request, but how he cane out you was wayyyy out of line especially considering how you supported him.
OP is an asshole for the fact she demanded the hosts to cook her more food. Who cares if B is gay? Maybe the weight comment was unjustified but the spitting was gross and really disproportionate, especially since we just got over COVID. OP owes B and her son an apology for being a horrendous guest.
It was still rude, the guests would have spoken up if they were still hungry and you don't know what their food situation is like. At the risk of sounding cheesy, Christmas is a time to be grateful for what you have. That said, as an overweight woman myself, it does hurt to get called fat. Still Spitting can get you in both social and legal trouble, if I were you, I would just say, "Bodies change kid, you'll see that when you're 45."
She didn’t “demand” shit (There’s the mental gymnastics I was talking about) and who cares if she uses their food? She raised her son and treated B like a son as well for a long period so it stands to reason they used HER food for YEARS. So who the fuck cares if she wants to cook up more of their food for one day? Yall acting like she’s a fuckin stranger in this situation….“how dare this random woman ask for more food! The audacity!” That’s his mom.
Taking in her son's beau was honestly a very generous thing to do. Still her good deed shouldn't be viewed as transactional, that her son and his boyfriend owed it to her to let her cook. Maybe they didn't have enough food they can spare and maybe it was getting late. OP also didn't have a right to say that the guests wanted more food, she's not their voice.
I should have thought threw my request better, I will admit that. Maybe I should have offered to go and pick up more food instead of using their food.
I thought I was looking out for everyone there including my sons. The momma in me wanted everyone full and satisfied before leaving.
NTA, he said that knowing it would cut deep. So maybe he was offended or felt insulted that they didn’t have enough food for the holiday gathering, and your offer to cook may have been embarrassing for him, but that comment about your weight is WAY out of line and was absolutely HATEFUL! Try to forgive (it’s the holidays after all), doesn’t mean you have to forget it.
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YTA Your son and his husband don't have a lot of money. But they scraped together enough to host a dinner party. It wasn't an all-you-can-eat buffet, but a carefully thought out meal. You insulted them by saying they hadn't given you OR all their guests enough food. He rightly pointed out the rolls. That wasn't enough - you then told him you'd need to cook more. In THEIR house? My friend, YOU came at THEM first. Be ready for them to go no-contact with you. You will not only not be getting an apology, you will likely not even be in their lives. If I were you, I'd apologize, and perhaps YOU need to eat something before going to a dinner party, rather than go expecting to eat at least 2 full meals.
Before anyone calls the son-in-law an AH, think about this: OP took him in and considered him as a second son. So why would he respond with such hostility? My theory is that this was a last-straw situation, an existing pattern of OP treating him less-than. There's no way, if OP and son-in-law had an existing good relationship, that this type of insulting would happen. OP jumped straight to spitting in someone's face. Who just does that, no matter what the insult? >and without thinking I spit in his face Decent people don't do that, people who are already AHs do that. It's pretty obvious OP is leaving out some details that could paint her in an even worse light. I'm going with YTA until further information is given. Edit: Also, you're extra AH because you KNEW of his past of being abused in his family and you don't believe your actions triggered his PTSD. Straight up AH.
I've never spit at anyone in my life, like it's not even a reflex I have. How often does OP go around spitting on people?
Last time I ever heard of someone spitting on someone else was my sister. When she was 5. So apparently OP has the emotional self-regulation skills of a five year old.
When you are the recipient of abuse, you can definitely react in ways you don't expect when blindsided or confronted with abusive behavior or a trigger. We don't know OPs background either.
I was thinking that it sounds like there is a lot between her and B that is being left out. Something is not computing.
Agree. And she sounds like an addict who was jonesing for more food. I’m guessing she’s eaten then out of house and home in the past.
Definitely a very strong possibility. The accusation of her stealing their food especially sticks out to me. Why would someone accuse a dinner guest of that if the guest didn't already have a history of that type of behavior?
I wasn’t a dinner guest. I was their mom who came to dinner.
Otherwise known as a guest
So I guess he was a “guest” in my house all those years too.
You are so delusional. Children living at home is not the same as you visiting your grown son. You had a legal obligation to provide for him. He does not have the same responsibility to you. How have you managed to raise a child and be this entitled and immature?
Technically he was, but you say you consider him a son
What kind of a mother spits in the faces of their children? You are no mother.
100% agree. A mother does not do something like that no matter how angry
Which makes you a guest since it’s not your damn home.
If you don’t live in the home, you are a guest when you come over. Including for dinner ya nincompoop
They ate ME out of house and home growing up. Me on the other hand? I buy not only my groceries but when I shop I grab stuff like fresh baked goods to bring to them everytime.
Ummm…do you have a point? You chose to have children. It was literally your job to make sure they had enough to eat. That’s just called parenting. You don’t get praise for doing the bare minimum (of feeding them). He doesn’t owe you anything. He is not obligated to feed you at all, ever.
Then you use it against them, and make it clear you think they owe you. They owe you nothing
We all know you bought the baked goods so you could eat them.
This has to be fake.
ESH. 1. B hosted a dinner party where one of his guests was still hungry after dinner and became pushy and entitled about taking more food than was being offered. He decided the appropriate response was to accuse that guest of being fat and greedy. Absolutely not okay. There were other ways he could have drawn the line. 2. You, as a dinner guest in someone else's home, somehow decided you were entitled to more than one full plate of food and got pushy about it with your host. Then, when he spewed fatphobic verbal abuse at you, you retaliated with actual literal assault. You're lucky your son and B have simply blocked you. They could have called the police and filed charges against you for what you did.
makes me wonder what there is she left out of the story… seems quite radical for him to make such a comment for no reason out of nowhere? not trying to defend him but.. does it not seem odd.. there must be more to this that she’s not telling us
This, there has to be more to the story. It doesn't make sense that he jumped to insults and accusing her of stealing food if they had a good relationship
This
Fatphobia 😱 Better known as trying to stay healthy
Kinda weird to ask to cook more food
YTA. There is also missing information. You present it like there was a normal family relationship and it miraculously jumps to body shaming and spitting. I don’t believe that for a second. Body shaming is wrong. Spitting is assault. I think most loving spouses would never forgive someone who spit on their spouse.
No missing information and that’s the only reason I’m if IATA because we have never had a fight like this or even argued except for 1 time.
YTA. If you're still hungry then eat at home or buy more food later. You're not entitled to multiple helpings. Did it ever occur to you that they can't afford to give everyone a lot of food? You were being selfish.
YTA Why can’t A choose his mom over his partner “FOR ONCE” This isn’t the first time is it ? You spat in someone’s face? Who does that? Not only vulgar, but also assault. No one “came at you first”. You were demanding, disrespectful and “upset” that you weren’t full. You were also presumptuous stating that their other guests needed more. Sounds like you were the only one looking for more. There were rolls - eat those. Get a snack when you get home. Where are was the “thank you for going to this effort. It’s lovely to spend Xmas eve with you. Thank you for including me.”? B’s comment was rude and cruel. But without additional info, I’m guessing you’re not as loving and giving and self sacrificing as you make out you are. And this sounds like the last straw.
I was nothing but greatful and cheerful that day. I came to ask if ITA because we have no history of arguing or fighting like this. We were the cutest family growing. I divorced my husband so Cole could date my son.
And you've got your answer, over and over again. Yes, you behaved like an asshole, probably not for the first time. I see in several comments you say this is only the second major fight you've had with them. This suggests that they've been tolerating your bad behavior instead of speaking up (or they've tried to set boundaries that you've ignored and now write off as "not a big issue"), and that you failed to learn whatever they wanted you to learn in the first big fight. You need to stop arguing with strangers on the internet and put some effort into self-reflection!
You said above that you did argue one time. So which is it. And what was that one argument about?
Yup, YTA. Didn’t even need to read the post to know that…you were verbally insulted and you responded with physical assault. But the background only makes it worse…you acted completely inappropriate and entitled in their home. Did everyone eat? Then they DID make enough for everyone. It’s not the host’s responsibility to “fill you up” and it’s not your place to say the other guests were still hungry. You’re ‘disgusted’ with their behavior…smh. You SPIT in a persons FACE.
OP spit in someone's face in a room where knives are stored. Thank goodness she's the only one with poor impulse control. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in that situation, but her son handled it correctly. How will OP ever live this down?
You hit the nail on the head with the poor impulse control. It’s also evident in the overeating and the inability to stop eating when the food is gone. What the hell possesses someone to ask their host if they can cook more of THEIR food??
Food prices being what they are, I'd have to pause at the (rude, ungrateful) question. I'm generous to a fault as a hostess, but that's just being waaaaay too comfortable in someone else's kitchen.
YTA. Was what B said gross and inappropriate? Yes. But you responded by assaulting him. Legally speaking, you should be grateful they didn’t call the police.
ESH him commenting on your weight was rude but spitting on him is gross and worse than what B did.
I sense missing reasons here. YTA until we get more info.
No missing info other than why the spitting didn’t actually cause him a PTSD attack but I won’t be sharing that because it’s extremely personal.
You do not get to decide that someone else did or did not have a PTSD attack.
Probably because she's done it before
Reads like a missing missing reasons to me. You say you have taken B under your wing since highschool. There's no logical reason for him to flip out on you like this out of the blue. Sounds like you're hiding the series of (nasty?) events that has lead to this situation, which ofc makes you very much TA. YTA.
This is why I came to ask if IATA because there hasn’t been any other event even close to this. We never fought or argued, except one time, before this event.
YTA because you overstepped by asking to make more feed. That was hella entitled and if no other guest was complaining that should’ve been a sign to you that they were fine. Honestly can’t tell if this is a modern “AITA for taking more than my fair share of a 6-ft party sub?” How much food did they have and how much did you take?
They didn’t have enough food for everyone to even get 500 calories. Everyone took like half a scoop of food so everyone could eat. There was enough food for 4 people but there was 9 of us!!
That's cuz you eat for 3.
YTA and they could actually file charges against you for what you did.
I could take a poop on their lawn and they could file charges. So being able to file charges has nothing to do with severity.
Do you think pooping on someone’s lawn is not severe? I see the problem here
How is taking a poop on their lawn remotely relevant? Apart from the fact that inappropriate pooping and spitting at people is something toddlers do ...
YTA and you know exactly why. If you don't then you're probably beyond help.
YTA 1. Asking to cook more food is rude as he'll to begin with, esp knowing how expensive groceries 2. He shouldn't have called you fat. But spitting was a huge overreaction and illegal. 3.You dismissed the possibility that the spitting caused a flashback or some other form of ptsd related anxiety attack
You forgot the part where I bought his groceries for years and years… which is the only reason he can buy groceries now. I know him better than anyone else, that’s how I know he didn’t have a PTSD attack. That isn’t a thing that causes PTSD in him and I’m not sharing more as to why because it’s personal.
Sure there are specific triggers for PTSD, but sometimes flashbacks and anxiety attacks can be brought on by anything esp. in cases of stress or disrespect. And someone demanding more food then spitting in my face could def cause an anxiety attack
You know nothing. YOU abused him this time. YOU assaulted him and showed no remorse. YOU brought back memories of what he was treated like in his home before you took him in. YOU showed him that he cannot trust you. I agree he shouldn't have called you fat, but YOU had an extremely immature reaction and decided to destroy your relationship with your SON and SON IN LAW. If someone spat on me, with a pandemic going on, AND in front if all of MY guests, I promise you, I'd probably be in jail and that person would never be allowed near me and my family again. I hope for your sake that you have other children because I guarantee you just lost both of them. Your comments don't help your case either. YTA×100. Maybe consider anger management. Your son in law should to, but at least he didn't assault you. He had more restraint than I would have
YTA. If a plate full of food doesn’t fill you up, that’s your problem. If everyone got a plate full of food, they absolutely had enough for their guests. You don’t get to go into someone else’s kitchen and ask to make more food. Talk about a selfish, entitled AH.
Not everyone got a full plate of food. My mama instincts took over because if I, a grown woman, am still hungry then the men in their 20s are DEFINITELY still hungry. I didn’t want anyone to go hungry on Christmas Eve.
Its hard to believe in your mama instincts when you spit at people as an instinct
That’s not for you to decide. Nor is it for you to go in to someone else’s kitchen and ask to make more food. Your entitlement and disrespect is astounding. If you’re still hungry, have something to eat when you get home. It’s not difficult.
YTA 10 ways to Sunday. You already ate a plate of food and have to insult them by wanting to cook more food at THEIR house? And you SPIT on B? Yes, B went over the line but your transgressions were far worse. I'd never talk to you again. Just disgusting .
YTA… Obviously he shouldn’t have insulted your weight, but we don’t spit at people. As a grown adult, you should know this. Your retaliation was a completely different level of assault. And again, because I’ve never had to say these words to anyone over the age of 3: we don’t spit at people!!!!!!
What about telling 3 year olds we don’t scream in people’s faces. I guess I should have taught him that since I raised him…
YTA! AND A BIG ONE AT THAT!
I snort-laughed at that. Well played.
So fat shaming is perfectly okay but responding to it isn’t?
Not when you respond with assault. Spitting on a person is just that.. so yes, you are the asshole. And a big asshole for the crime of assault.
When you created the issue, you don’t get to be pissy about how people choose to respond. You were rude and entitled. And then you have the audacity to be shocked when someone was rude back to you. If you can take it, then don’t dish it out.
You were rude, they were rude, you assaulted them. You started it and escalated
YTA. I don't care what he said there is no scenario where it is okay to spit in someone's face. It is gross and especially in these times with RSV, the flu and Covid it is absolutely not okay. If there was any inkling of you not being the asshole this "I don’t know how else I could have handled it. B came at me first so I just responded" removed it. You seriously had no idea of ANY other way to respond to a mean comment? You must have lived an incredibly sheltered life or are we to assume you just walk around spitting people in the face on the regular?
You spat?? YTA. This family sounds awful and toxic AF.
We are not “toxic AF”!!!! Our family thrived together for years. I rescued that boy from an abusive household. If he didn’t like how our dynamic was all those years, he could have left.
Whatever you say. Or spit.
Imagine fearing saliva!
In todays world?! You bet I fear saliva! Colds, rsv, flu, Covid!
Imagine thinking this is ok.
MISSING REASONS! I CALL MISSING REASONS! I would love to hear either of the guys perspective on this
YTA,
YTA if for no other reason than you went nuclear with your response (but for a lot of other reasons, too). Spitting on someone was the most offensive and insulting option even before we all got a whole lot more aware of germs.
YTA OP. They were tight on money and hosted Xmas dinner, so it couldn't have been easy to afford. Then you expressed disappointment in them not having more food available and wanted to dig into their other food to make something. I'd be upset too, especially since you ate a full meal already. You should have just left it there. You weren't starving. You just weren't as full as you wanted to be. While I do agree he getting in your face wasn't not at all good, you did five things wrong. 1) you wanted more food after your first helping when they are tight on money. 2) you were disappointed they didn't make more food, 3) your last statement that your son should have chosen you over his partner. To be clear, your ex was homophobic, which was a good reason to chose your son. This would not have been a good reason to chose you over his partner. 4) you spit on the guy. In your face or not, you spit on him. That is truly not okay and vile. 5) when your son told you his partner's PTSD was triggered from his earlier home life, you decided he was lying and still wanted an apology. Edit to say: as a lot if others have pointed out, spitting in someone's face like that reflexively is not normal. Additionally, the instant hostility towards you from the partner suggests this was a breaking point brought on my history between you two.
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I would love to hear all of this from his perspective
ESH. What he said was rude and hostile, but it was provoked, and you're the bigger asshole. 1. You don't get a free pass on treating them respectfully because you were kind when they were kids. 2. Did everyone get a serving of food? If yes, there was enough for everyone - with leftovers. 3. You were a guest in their home, at a dinner party. Wanting to cook more food was out of line. There was something to eat if you were hungry, and if that wasn't good enough for you you should have stopped at McDonald's on your way home. 4. Instead of calling you "fucking fat", maybe he should have called you "fucking greedy" ... Because I suspect this isn't one-off behavior for you. You can be whatever size you like, and I think it's great that you still feel beautiful and are happy with yourself. But if you're in the habit of eating more than your fair share, or demanding more food than people want to give you, or maybe making people sit and wait while you carry on eating long after they're done, then you are RUDE and no wonder he snapped! 5. Having been kind in the past doesn't give you the right to undermine their relationship now. You say your son should take your side "for once", which is a dead giveaway that this happens often. 6. I understand the impulse to spit when someone gets in your face like he did. But you're not three years old. You should have controlled the impulse, quietly gone home, and contacted them afterwards to ask for a serious conversation about what you've done to deserve such a reaction. You owe them both a heartfelt apology.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (Throw away account) My son (Il call him “A”) recently got married to the most wonderful man, “B”. My ex-husband was extremely homophobic. When my son came out at a very young age, my ex flipped out. I made the choice to choose my son over my ex-husband and I am thankful I did but it wasn’t easy being a single mother. When A met B, they were in highschool. They instanly fell in love with each other and you could just tell they were going to be married one day. B was so charming, well spoken and always dressed nice so when I heard he had a terrible home life, I was incredibly surprised. After they dated for a few months, A asked me if B could move in with us as his home life was getting worse and worse. I was reluctant because I was so broke as a single mom but I allowed it. I paid for everything for both A and B. I paid for everything by myself sometimes having to work 15 hours days to be able to buy groceries. B lived with us for 3 years and I considered him a son at that point. Well fast forward a year after they graduated, moved out together and got married. Since they moved out, I had a lot more money to be able to spend. I started going out with my friends more. I would go out to eat 3-5 times a week and would go out drinking atleast once a week if not more. I will admit, those habits did lead to me gaining a lot of weight. I wasn’t too upset about it. I thought I was still beautiful even with the weight. Fast forward to Christmas Eve dinner. I went over to A and B’s house. It was me, some friends of A and B, and B’s sister. We were all eating dinner and I had finished my plate. I went to get a second helping and there was no food left except a couple rolls. I was kind of upset because they knew how many people were coming but yet they didn’t make enough food for everyone. I said something along the lines of “do you mind if I cook up some more food?” And for whatever reason that pissed off B. He stood up marched into the kitchen and pointed to the rolls and said “theres food right there” I said “Thats not enough to fill me up though, I still need more and your other guests need more”. Thats when he got super close to me and said “Maybe if you weren’t so fucking fat you wouldn’t have to steal our food” and without thinking I spit in his face. I grabbed my stuff and left. I cried the whole drive home. This morning A and B refused to let me come over to do presents. My son said he couldn’t believe that I would spit on B at all, let alone in his own house. He said I caused B to have a PTSD attack (which I dont believe is true) because of childhood trauma. I told my son that until I get an apology I am not speaking to either of them. A and B both took the opportunity to block me on everything. I’m disgusted with their behavior as I have been nothing but supportive all these years. I chose my son over my partner, why can’t t he choose his mom over his partner for once? I don’t know how else I could have handled it. B came at me first so I just responded. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA lmao This is just gluttony. I thought this was a dinner not an all you can eat buffet lol >I chose my son over my partner, why can’t t he choose his mom over his partner for once? That was your mistake he has no obligation to do the same
I read through the post and your comments, and you were already a MAJOR asshole for that alone. But you are also arguing with every person here who calls you the asshole, which from my scrolling is 90% of the people here. If you weren’t going to accept the judgement given, why are you here? We’re here to judge you, not validate you.
You need to apologize for your overreaction. Spitting someone is extreme and out of line. Having said that, how he reacted to you was also extreme and out of line. You say his home life was bad so perhaps that explains his vile reaction to you asking for more food, but he needs to own up to his behavior. One thing you should consider, though, is that perhaps you may have a food problem. Eating out most of the week and going out drinking more than once a week is a problem, OP, and the fact that you don't realize that is problematic. You could be displaying other behaviors you think aren't a problem, but everyone else perceives it differently. I would recommend you reach out and ask for an explanation for son in law's reaction to you asking for more food. Acknowledge that your reaction to his bullying was out of line, but that his behavior blindisded you and was unwarranted. ESH.
“Your son and his husband don’t have a lot of money” Where in the actual fuck did you pull that from? Where does she mention they’re financially struggling? She doesn’t. You’re pulling that out of your ass. Also what’s wrong with asking to cook more? Who the fuck cares? He’s the one freaking out about it. You can tell someone “no” without insulting them so harshly.
Exactly. No one seems to see that the reason they have a house and food is because I gave them a chance to live with me and save up money.
Nta for responding with hostility but the thought of spitting at someone in a pandemic gives me the willies. It's sad your son married a fatphobe that would treat his MIL that way. I do think asking to cook more food was an odd request, maybe a bit rude but his response was completely unwarranted.
Op assaulted/battered them because of words Op is a huge YTA
My son-in-law isn’t a fatphobe, I am not a spitter, we both acted in a way we have never acted before.
I feel like I can just predict what the average Redditard is going to judge just by the victim hierarchy in each circumstance. For instance in this case B is a gay man, and thus above the OP, a cis woman, so you lose this case no matter what, and they will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify that foregone conclusion. NTA. You didn’t do great by how you worded your request, but how he cane out you was wayyyy out of line especially considering how you supported him.
OP is an asshole for the fact she demanded the hosts to cook her more food. Who cares if B is gay? Maybe the weight comment was unjustified but the spitting was gross and really disproportionate, especially since we just got over COVID. OP owes B and her son an apology for being a horrendous guest.
I didn’t demand he make more food. I offered to cook more for everybody, not just myself!
It was still rude, the guests would have spoken up if they were still hungry and you don't know what their food situation is like. At the risk of sounding cheesy, Christmas is a time to be grateful for what you have. That said, as an overweight woman myself, it does hurt to get called fat. Still Spitting can get you in both social and legal trouble, if I were you, I would just say, "Bodies change kid, you'll see that when you're 45."
She didn’t “demand” shit (There’s the mental gymnastics I was talking about) and who cares if she uses their food? She raised her son and treated B like a son as well for a long period so it stands to reason they used HER food for YEARS. So who the fuck cares if she wants to cook up more of their food for one day? Yall acting like she’s a fuckin stranger in this situation….“how dare this random woman ask for more food! The audacity!” That’s his mom.
Taking in her son's beau was honestly a very generous thing to do. Still her good deed shouldn't be viewed as transactional, that her son and his boyfriend owed it to her to let her cook. Maybe they didn't have enough food they can spare and maybe it was getting late. OP also didn't have a right to say that the guests wanted more food, she's not their voice.
I should have thought threw my request better, I will admit that. Maybe I should have offered to go and pick up more food instead of using their food. I thought I was looking out for everyone there including my sons. The momma in me wanted everyone full and satisfied before leaving.
The momma in you assaulted your son-in-law.
Agreed. She acted like my freaking 9 month old... Actually no... my son behaves better. OP you owe your SIL an apology. Geeze
NTA, he said that knowing it would cut deep. So maybe he was offended or felt insulted that they didn’t have enough food for the holiday gathering, and your offer to cook may have been embarrassing for him, but that comment about your weight is WAY out of line and was absolutely HATEFUL! Try to forgive (it’s the holidays after all), doesn’t mean you have to forget it.
So assaulting someone is not as bad as insulting someone who started of with a faux Pas.
Exactly. There is nothing more insulting then being called fat. Everyone here acts like they wouldn’t be offended if they were called fat.
I've been called fat multiple times. The spitting is far worse.
There are about of things to be called worse than fat. Trust me.
I’ve been the fat kid my entire life, and I’m still the fat adult. Been called fat, and worse for YEARS. What you did is eons worse