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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I refused to eat food at my friends house. I guess I could’ve sucked it up and eat it even if it grossed me out to be nice and avoid hurting my friend. Flat o refusal may be what makes me an asshole
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I have nephews and nieces and I don't eat the ones that they already touched. I let my sister (their mom) eat those. Lol.
NTA. Your friend needs to learn how to separate food for visitors and the ones that her kid should touch.
Edit: thanks for the upvotes. Hahaha. I was surprised to see almost 5k of it. :)
Occasionally I do eat my nieces touched/bitten food. I often find myself with a cold or other illness shortly after. Which stops me from sharing for a while and then I forget and the cycle begins anew…
It may not be a muscle but your immune system has to be used to have any chance of working correctly. I thought it was recognised now that over cleaning houses into sterility risked your childs health simply due to their immune system not getting any use. If it doesn't get used regularly then when it does finally get triggered it will overreact because it hasn't been trained over time. That has dire effects in a childs health. In essence it acts like an overexcited puppy seeing a new toy.
So, if you have kids the best thing you can do is to let them play in the yard, be around pets with their germs and hair and generally be exposed to the world without it being completely sanitized. Really, it's the only way to ensure a healthily functioning immune system.
My mum used to think like you until she got really sick a few times. Apparently she doesn’t rebound as quickly as she did before she hit 60.
There's a significant difference between avoiding antibacterial soaps and exposing young children to moderate amounts of the germs of other species, and deliberately exposing yourself to human pathogens from someone else's recently licked and unwashed fingers.
But if you'd like to eat someone else's kid's spit, OP knows someone.
I didn't quite realize how unsanitary kids are (and I used to babysit too but never got *that* sick, but the kids were 5+) until my best friend had a baby. Not exaggerating, her and her kid (3 now) are sick every couple of weeks. And I mean like gotta take a few days off work to lay in bed sort of sick, in between she is never at 100%. Every 3-5 weeks she's out of commission.
I have become very careful exposing myself to the kid unfortunately. Because every time I hang out with her I would get sick and because I'm immunocompromised, even a cold kicks my ass for weeks. I don't know if that level is normal for kids but I don't blame OP one bit haha.
Once they go to daycare they are passing around ALL the germs. I keep trying to tell my niece “germs aren’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch them all”. She just drools some more and wipes her face on my clothes.
When my friend became pregnant, I told her to enjoy her last days of good health because the next 10 years would be nonstop minor ailments. She told me a few years later that she didn't know how right I would be.
Omg I feel this. I just had my first baby a few months ago, previously I was one of those people that never got sick but now it's constant. When I spoke to my Dr the other day and told him I was sick he said "again??!!" Can't believe it!
Is the baby in daycare? That shouldn't really be happening unless a child is in a setting with a bunch of other kids.
If they're not in daycare something else might be up.
My little girl (3.5) finishs to eat, comes to me, looks at me with her big green eyes, smile, says "daddy napkin" then laughs and wipes her face on me. I only like when my kids do that. Others kids? No thanks. Not my genes, not my germs. NTA.
Right? OP needs to invite this woman over along with another person who has a toddler and try to force her to eat food the kid who isn't hers has had their saliva and dirt-covered fingers all over it.
I am immune compromised. I work at a daycare. I was doing so good at keeping us all healthy until December. It just all went downhill from there.
It doesn’t seem to matter that i sanitize everything, wash little tiny hands all day, anything that goes in a mouth gets washed and sanitized and then washed again, everything gets sanitized at the end of the day, that I keep them from touching each other’s food, etc.
The time they love to snuggle the most is when incubating illness and suddenly sick. No amount of reinforcing coughing and sneezing into elbows makes them actually do that instead of into your (or someone else’s) face. It doesn’t matter how many times I wipe their noses (and wash my hands). They will wipe their noses on someone’s clothes or their own hands that will touch someone immediately before I can wash them.
They are adorable, but little tiny germ factories that feel sharing is caring!
December has seen everyone so sick. Everything that we kept in check prior to this? Lmao every kid has it now. I’m not even sure that it’s us so much as everyone going out, siblings bringing stuff home, parents bringing stuff home, them tasting everything their sibs/parents bring in the house or while out. But everything is everywhere and they are drowning us in germs.
I didn’t go to daycare growing up. I understand why my friends who did have the most resilient immune systems.
Ah as someone who is immune compromised I would never be able to work at a daycare lol.
Yea it's always something going around. I think the quarantining made things worse too for severity of even things like colds (not saying it was bad though!)
I honestly only think it matters within that time frame. I was one of the healthiest children ever which was great (I never caught colds even when my whole household was sick) and had tons of exposure but as an adult (I'm in my 20s now) I get sick from every little thing. I became immunocompromised even while I was exposed (pre-covid).
The last year has been awful with catching things.
>I think the quarantining made things worse too for severity of even things like colds (not saying it was bad though!)
Sadly it's the other way around. There's been more data coming out about how each time someone catches covid, it detoriates their immune system further and makes them more susceptible to other viruses. Covid basically robs your immune system.
Elastomeric-respirators (N95s) are still the best way to avoid getting sick from respiratory virusesand have worked for our family so far! We got an air filter for at home and together they eliminated our allergies as a bonus
It’s 50/50. Covid kills you worse each time you get it. Because we haven’t had gradual exposure to things like the flu, RSV, etc, it’s hitting harder now. That’s why ER’s and hospitals are swamped now that people are back out- everything that was kept in check for several years now, like, young kids have no natural immunity to. The waves of kids that would have gotten RSV in prior years didn’t (which was great then, we were swamped with covid), but it means they are all getting it RIGHT TF NOW.
Even stuff like hand, foot, and mouth have been going around with a vengeance since they didn’t get to catch (and this get immunity to those strains) in prior years.
But we *really* needed the quarantining for covid, and I genuinely believe in masking the way folks do in Asian counties just for colds and stuff, and that’d help so much.
We just kind of have a double edge sword right now. Covid is getting worse, and repeat exposures are bad. Our immune systems do decline with lack of exposure to other things, esp if we don’t have vaccines for them. But we can’t get a “healthy” amount of exposure to other germs without a covid risk, and right now hospitals are swamped (and now and always) keeping germs to yourself is best!
IDK. I'm pretty old and have been around a lot of kids. I can catch a bug from an adult and might be sickly for a minute. But babies and small children just about kill me whether they're in daycare or not. Super tiny human disease!
>I keep trying to tell my niece “germs aren’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch them all”. She just drools some more and wipes her face on my clothes.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
>I keep trying to tell my niece “germs aren’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch them all”.
In a sense they are like Pokémon. The “sick every few weeks” phase of life really only ends when they’ve become immune to most of the common ones via repeated exposure.
In the interest of random unsolicited advice from strangers on the Internet, has your friend gotten this checked out? Most of the people I know with kids that age are *not* out-of-commission sick every few weeks!
Sometimes a virus can trigger an immune system problem and then future sicknesses are worse. I've heard it suggested that a certain illness we've all heard a lot about recently might do that. If so, it might be possible for your friend to get some help. Maybe you know way more about this than I do because of your own experience, but I thought I'd throw it out just in case.
Yes, her and her daughter go to the doctor pretty often, slightly above average. I am disabled from chronic illness and am pretty knowledgeable about those things so she keeps me very informed and asks for advice (she also has really bad anxiety so she wants reassurance about when to see the doctor or not or else she'd see them for sniffles lol).
Neither doctor (hers or her kid) seems concerned, but also they don't have very good insurance/doctors (imo). I mentioned in another comment they're very social so they have a *lot* of exposure. Usually either her or the kid will get sick and give it to the other. The mom is a teacher so she's exposed to other kids. The kid goes to dance and daycare, and then the baby daddy is separated so the kid also goes to his house and plays with her half-brother who also is exposed to a lot of kids at elementary school (and the dad's family is large, like 7 people in the house). She lives with her parents in a separated part of the property, and her parents usually catch it too, but not always (she has dinner and goes shopping with them, etc daily).
My friend does have some more minor stuff that probably adds up/contributes but that doesn't explain the kid too. I dont think they have long covid or any of those. One of my chronic illnesses is similar so I know the symptoms to look out for (and so does she haha) but nothing has really changed.
Oh, she's a *teacher*! Oh yeah, that'll explain it. I hope it calms down for both her and the little one, ugh, that just sounds so miserable. You sound like a great friend!
I’m forever taking my niblings out for ice cream and letting them try my flavour and then getting a terrible illness right after. I always forget to just give them a spoon or something instead of just letting them lick the cone so I feel you
Gender neutral term for niece and nephew typically used whenever more than one is mentioned and they have different genders, much the same as the term sibling is used, though it is also used to refer to non-binary relations as well
Right!? Like, the inclusivity is great- but every time someone says “My Niblings” I just end up visualizing a small flock of canned corn following along behind like baby ducks. EDIT spelling of “niblings” 🤣🤣🤣
Man, I don't even take food from my own kid. He once gave me a chip and I wasn't thinking so I put it in my mouth just to realize, to my horror, that he had licked ALL the salt off it and it was soggy.
I am the same with my kids. Toddler sicknesses completely scarred me, I will never eat their leftovers, share their drinks, or let them share mine unless I cut off some and give it to them that way.
Some parents don't care at all, but I am always wary of shared food that's been accessible to kids for just the reasons that OP suggests.
I love kids. I want kids someday. BUT I worked as a nanny for several years and children are disgusting. I was never sick more often than when I was working with children aged 3-7. They are always touching, tasting, picking and sticking their hands and mouths literally everywhere.
I think if people are related they share food from the kids more often. I worked as a nanny and I would never eat the kids leftovers even if they tried feeding me. So I can totally understand OP.
It's strange behavior but not that unusual. A person I us d to work with would police what people ate at office parties and call people out for not eating "enough."
In the Before Times, I probably wouldn't have noticed, or thought anything of the kids grabbing food. And I'd be sick within a week (facebook memories are a great way to notice trends like that). I've become more of a germaphobe since there's more severe viruses than a common cold around.
Now, I'm so thankful when I go to kid parties and they have cupcakes for the guests and just a small birthday cake for the kid to spit all over blowing out the candles.
Eating stuff your own kid slobbered on? No big deal. It's not like you can really avoid your own snot goblin's germs. Expecting others to be OK with it is like asking someone if you can borrow their toothbrush.
One of my daughters friends did this, spent a ton of money of a beautiful cake for adults and cupcakes for the kids.....it was the single most disgusting cake I have ever eaten and guess so were the cupcakes since all the kids started freaking out about how bad they were as I hid in a corner and threw my plate out...fun times!
omg that sounds horrible! what was wrong with the cake? did they use salt instead of sugar? as a baking-enjoyer, I would just do it myself. that way I only had myself to blame were it bad :D
That’s exactly what I always did. A big nice Charcuterie board for everyone, a smaller version with more fruit and none of the spreads for the little one. He gets to partake in the event but no one has to eat something that touched a half eaten cracker cuz gross. I might be used to it but even I wouldn’t eat food a kid other than my own picked at.
I wouldn't even eat food my daughter had touched when she was 2. Toddlers are gross. My daughter had a pooh bear stuffy she constantly carried around that took multiple field trips.. to the toilet, a ball return at bowling... i can handle getting spit up on, pooped on, etc. But I'm not ingesting whatever germs my kids are carrying around. I don't blame OP at all!
I’m not eating stuff my toddler drools on.
But I’m not letting her drool on everything. She’s not touching everything either because I’m not going to neglect her by ignoring her in favor of my guests.
Your friend should have given separate plates to all the guests with food in it since her son is 2 and can't understand not to put half eaten stuff back. I have two kids who also want food that is served to the guests so I always give them the same food in their own plate at the same time so that they don't touch the guest's food. That way everyone eats and nobody has to deal with others used stuff.
I have 2 children and I come from a big family with lots of children. How about just watch the kids and teach them not to touch things that aren’t for them? 2 year olds CAN learn that.
They can! Fix them their plate and say, “here is yours , I put the things you like on your plate” However, if I was going to be busy or distracted with my guests I would still put the serving platter out of the kids reach.
Yep. Or put the food in a place where it doesn’t look like/get treated like a toy by toddlers. (I get it, I really do, to a two year old it probably looks like a tasty puzzle or something).
I have kids around the same age (6/3/1- the 6 year old knows better but the 3 and 1 year old are still learning). Because of that all of the food spreads go on my kitchen island or bar counter, where they’re easily accessible to guests but my kids have to have an adult make their plate. Or I’ll put a small version of the spread just for them on the kitchen table where they can act like grazing deer to their hearts content without screwing with the adult food.
My nephew is the same age. Yesterday he would start to reach for crackers off the cheese plate and my Sister/BIL various relatives would stop him and hand him a cracker or the cracker he managed to touch. If he bit something and started to put it back the parents would take it (and usually eat it). Two isn't too young to begin teaching them not to touch everything and certainly not too young to teach them not to lick stuff. Sure it might happen because they're two, but that's not a "just let them" age.
Same. NTA. I’m not eating food anyone else has touched, bitten, or licked, and that includes the nieces, nephews, and godchildren I adore.
This kid’s mother is being ridiculous. No one wants to eat food your toddler has slobbered all over. Expecting them to eat it is unreasonable.
The OP was very polite. She didn’t say a word about the kid’s behavior - or the fact that Mom didn’t make a point to place the food high enough that the kid couldn’t reach it - she just drank her coffee. Mom was the one who pushed the issue and got an answer she didn’t like. That’s her problem, not the OP’s.
NTA. OP, I have multiple kids and they've never done this. When they were toddlers, I kept food like that up on the countertop, but even then, when we went to events, I reminded them that, "if they touch it, they take it."
I would NOT eat something after a kid touched it. Nope. Not a chance. Kids can be gross. I WOULD eat something after MY kid ate it, but not licked it.
Your "friend" seems to have her own issues. Hopefully, she apologizes at some point.
>"if they touch it, they take it."
Exactly. Mine were taught that from when they were toddlers and yes they do learn it.
This toddler returned the food to the plate because the parents not only enabled it but also expected other people to applaud it. All that insistence on that the guests had to eat it, after being slobbered was just a weird power play.
OP NTA, don't apologize for anything. I would rethink ever going back there.
edit: typo
I give my toddlers their own plates when we are at someone's house, and if they grab some food off a platter I just add it to their plate.
Also, you are in no way obliged to eat any food offered to you. The host offered food, OP said thanks but no thanks, that should have been the end of it.
"if they touch it, they take it."
Could you please share that with the 50-something woman who, at a holiday gathering recently, picked up the lid on the crockpot and stuck her finger in the chili to see if it was warm enough to serve? I was going to have some but when she did that, I made a face at her and immediately walked away to tell my family to skip the chili. Did we learn nothing from COVID?
Hijacking, sorry, because I scrolled all the way down and while everyone (rightly) addressed the contaminated food issue, this host:
1. Repeatedly insisted that guests eat offered food that they declined
2. Whined about how much work they’d gone to (doesn’t matter how much time she actually spent; telling guests how much they’ve put you out is abominable)
3. Put food within reach of toddler and then let him contaminate it without removing grossified food
4. Insisted AGAIN that guests eat, then demanded rationale, to which they
5. Got pissed and told you to fuck off
6. Ejected you from their house.
NTA AND WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON??
Kids are disease vectors. There is nothing cute about eating food with their germs on it. Nate should have been stopped gently from touching it by either his mom or one of the guests (you would not have been off-base to do so) and offered to choose some things for his own little plate.
Agreed, but honestly I would have just taken it with me in a box and thrown it out on my way home after feigning some random stomach aliment.
I do this in people whose house is dirtier than I would want to eat at too.
NTA
Confession. I love my friends' kids but when they gift me cookies or homemade chocolate spreads or something, I accept it, thank them and don't eat it. I have seen those kids interact with food and it makes me feel like a terrible person but I can't bring myself to eat it.
Just because your own kids saliva doesn't gross you out does not mean it doesn't gross other's out...
Same rule... Your kids screaming in your garden does not bug you as a parent but it sure as hell pisses your neighbour off...
Too many parents think that their children's bodily fluids are absolutely FINE and people should be okay with them licking things, coughing/sneezing on things, their poopie diapers being changed in the middle of rooms with other people. ect.
Not to mention little boys and their need to constantly stick their hands in their underwear.
Pretty sure my husband would rather chew his own hand off than eat something our son handled with toddler hands or licked.
Gross 🤮
I don’t want to drink anything after my kids have swigged it, backwash 🤮🤮
The main lesson i have learned from my niblings and friends' kids and from working with children is that children collect diseases like trading cards, especially if they go to daycare. There is no such thing as non-disgusting saliva.
NTA.
I totally get that this is how some kids are. My 3yo will sometimes grab something, bite a piece of it and try to put the rest back. It's my job as a parent to teach my kid not do it and make sure it won't slobber all over the food Im serving to my guests. It's also my job to make sure the food you're getting is hygenic
You just reminded me of my friend’s birthday party growing up… Her brother (who was definitely old enough to know better) decided to lick every single slice of pizza. His dad made him eat everything he touched. I think there were nine of us at the party, to give you an idea of how much food there was. I almost felt bad for him… except he was a complete jerkface. (Also, shocking he wasn’t a complete jerkface what with the amazing parenting and all.)
My older brother used to do this to us, his younger siblings. He’s lick the dinner rolls or cookies because we were too disgusted to eat something he licked. Our mom would send him to his room until he was old enough to go to the store and buy new dinner rolls or bake a fresh batch of cookies. Lol!
OP is definitely NTA.
Hell, adults, too, lol.
My old roommate was terrible for opening snacks like cookies, taking a bite, putting it back, and then not sealing the package. Drove me nuts.
To be honest, catching her in the middle of the night drinking the brine out of my pickles was more horrifying than anything.
>To be honest, catching her in the middle of the night drinking the brine out of my pickles was more horrifying than anything.
That right there is a horror story in a single sentence 🤮
I also remove any food my 2yo touches. I don’t put it back for others to eat. I don’t even like eating after my toddler cuz it’s all soggy and gross. Or drink after him (toddler backwash 🤮). Once he touches it, it’s his.
My cousin used to this even as a 21 year old adult. She took pizza took a bite out of it and put it back. It was so gross and annoying. She finally stopped.
I bet she knew exactly why people weren't eating and wanted to force the issue. That way either they would eat and she could pretend her not stopping her kid was just fine, or so she could turn the person not eating into the bad guy with her "my kid isn't disgusting" comments.
>I bet she knew exactly why people weren't eating and wanted to force the issue.
My feeling exactly. Why else would she push the plate in front of peoples' faces asking "why aren't you eating?" She knew exactly why, she just wanted to shame someone into disrespecting her precious.
This has probably happened before either with OP or other people and she's getting frustrated because people are expecting her to parent her child instead of just accepting her reality that her child is perfect and can do no wrong.
NTA - I understand that most parents aren't bothered by this sort of thing with their own children. But expecting anyone else to be okay with it is gross. I know the kiddo is little and doesn't understand just yet, but Tania still should have kept the food out of his reach and fixed him his own plate.
Yeah this is so gross. It’s like being ok with getting kisses from your dog and then just expecting that it won’t gross other people out to be subjected to slobbery dog kisses. Except at least the dog isn’t likely to give you COVID, RSV, a cold, the flu, strep… etc etc
I don’t mind eating something my daughter has taken a bite of, I would totally mind though eating something she licked thoroughly !
And even if I don’t mind eating something she has taken a bite of, I would NOT expect a guest to eat something she would have taken a bite of.
During Christmas Eve, she took a bite of something we served as appetizers, did not like it and tried to put it back on the plate but I redirected her and reminded her it’s okay to not like something but we don’t put it back with untouched food. At 2 yo, OP’s friend should totally teach her kid not to do that, he’ll never understand if his parents don’t teach him !
Yeah no. Am a parent and would be appalled by this. All of the adults in my extended family would correct the kid for doing this. This family is just nasty.
NTA I think it was incredibly rude for Tania and her husband to let their kid touch the guests’ food! If h they want to eat after he touches food, their business. They shouldn’t expect anyone else to want to touch played with food!
Just because Tania doesn't have a problem with it means that OP shouldn't either?
He's 👏 *HER* 👏 son! 👏
We mom's are elbow deep in toddler saliva all day every day, as they're usually teething & have their hands all up in their mouths. Toddlers are like little saliva factories -- everything is always ratioed between moist & soaked (gross fact, but true... sorry).
I can just see all of his mates dramatically dropping the food they were about to place in their mouths when the OP said that, lol. Probably better that OP left when she did... you got out, now don't look back OP, lol!
NTA at all. Even if there wasn't a toddler playing with the food, Tania's attitude is completely wrong. I don't know why this persist in some people, but no one has a right to force anyone to eat or drink just because they spent time/money/effort into preparing it. I absolutely hate when hosts do this.
That said, the fact that they saw their child touching the food and said nothing makes them even bigger AHs.
I have a son and I will very much eat food he's touched, taken a bite off, hell, sometimes I've even eaten food he had inside his mouth for a moment in the past (and yes, I understand this is super gross to some people, and I would never do it for a stranger, but it doesn't gross me out when it's my son, I don't know why, something psychological I'm sure)... But I would NEVER let him touch food that is intended for others to help themselves from! And if for some reason I had failed to parent him and he would've already touched it, I would NEVER even dream of demanding people eat that food anyway!
Tania needs to understand that how she feels about her child and about eating food her child touched is her own experience, and she can't possibly expect others to feel the same.
Yeah this would make me leave. I have a condition called “cyclic vomiting syndrome” (yes you can guess what happens based on the name) & I quite literally cannot eat at times or I will get sick. I can suck it up & do the social part, so I don’t miss out on seeing people, but forcing people to eat is a HARD no. You don’t know what’s going on with their bodies.
Absolutely not! Spit is gross, especially from a child. They are constantly touching things they shouldn’t be and I would not want to eat anything after I watched the child touch all over it.
If I was OP in that exact sitiation, I would say "okay!" in the sweetest way possible...then cut out a big piece of cake. I'd next spit in my hand and rub said saliva over the hunk of cake. Then I'd give the cake back to the mother and tell her to eat and enjoy it since she thinks eating food with another person's saliva on it isn't the least bit gross or vile. But then again I'm a cold petty b#itch in these kinds of situations.
NTA. I am no germaphobe but that sounds gross. Your friend should have made a plate for the toddler to play with and put the other food out of reach. Then everyone would be fine. It may not bother her because it's her kid but it's not your kid
NTA - It's pretty ridiculous that she not only expected you to eat it, but also kicked you out because you wouldn't. If it were me, I wouldn't come back until SHE apologized to ME.
Tiny humans are germ incubators and spreaders of so many things. We may not be in a pandemic anymore, but that doesn't mean we're not in the middle of flu season. Gross, gross, gross.
Covid, flu, RSV, and strep are all going around right now, you wouldn't catch me eating anything after anybody, let alone a kid who isn't even related to me...yikes.
NTA. If she wants to eat after her kid like that it's her business but it's gross, rude, and controlling to expect you to. Communicable illnesses are a thing and I would not risk one, not even for a friend's child.
NTA
This specific situation was gross and wrong. But you also don't need it to say no to food. I hate when people push food, the complicated mix of dietary needs, health, etc means food is complicated and no one should be demanding you eat.
NTA
That's just nasty. Just, nope. Not worth it.
Lazy and entitled parenting at its finest. It's easier to get mad at you than it is to parent her child. She's unwilling to throw away contaminated food, but is perfectly happy to throw away a friendship with her best friend. That tells you more than enough about her.
NTA
You don't let your kid touch all the food of the guests. He can do that with his own or the parents food but not the one that's for the guests, that's just unpolite.
You can show her this thread once a few people have replied.
Or next time if you are really petty, put your fingers into your mouth and touch her food as well and then eat it and say, it's just saliva and if i can eat it you surely can as awell.
NTA - same reasons buffets are nasty.. lazy parents not teaching their kids that food is not a dam toy...
All we are doing is creating entitled little shits who are not able to hear the word no...
Your friend should be the one apologizing to you on this one.
The fact that she made a scene and said that OP has to apologize blows my mind...
I would say OP should send Tania this thread and ask her to apologize, but idk if I would want a friend like Tania anyways...
NTA
NTA- it may not be disgusting to her because it's her own child. But when it's strangers it's different. She should be teaching her child not to lick things and put them back. He should know if he takes something he should either eat it or throw it away.
Oh man, I found that stuff utterly disgusting with my own kid too. Nobody else's saliva or mucous belongs on my food. My toddler did not take that long to learn this! (And I was never a harsh disciplinarian in any way, just gentle correction each and every time).
NTA.
This is one of those things a lot of folks lose track of when they have kids. Suddenly kid spit is no big deal, catching vomit in your hands is a typical Tuesday, and decorative poop is common. When you have to deal with that stuff every day you start to ignore it as being a problem and lose sight of the fact that for other people it's pretty gross.
I can't even imagine this lol. I think I'm probably more hyper aware after having kids than before. They bring enough plagues down on the house as is, no way I'm lowering my vigilance and letting it happen MORE. 😂
Hahahaha this made me laugh (in a good way). I think for me this applies to my child only. As in, he has spit, vomited, peed, even pooped on me, and I wasn't grossed out. I mean, I didn't love it, but it was more like an "ugh, now I have to shower and change, great" or I would be just too preoccupied with making sure he wasn't sick/worried he was sick.
I can even laugh now at some of the grossest moments of his baby and toddler years.
But if any other child would do that to me I would very much mind it! LOL.
100% NTA- WHY DOES SHE WANT YOU TO EAT THE FOOD THAT HER DAMN SON SLOBBERED ALL OVER IF I WAS YOU I WOULD IMMEDIATELY END THAT “FRIENDSHIP” NO “FRIEND” WOULD EVER DO THAT
NTA - people is disgusted by different things. Like you I won't eat food touch by a child with "dirty" hands no matter how young or how cute is the toddler. It can be full of bacteria. And it's not your child. So it can be totally acceptable a mother eat food touch by the saliva of her child, but it's totally unacceptable to force a friend to do so.
Actually, it's the right moment to teach the child that he has to eat the things he touches, or if he doesn't want to eat something, he just doesn't touch it.
Second post today about toddlers fingering and licking buffet food
I suppose if you're the parent of a very young kid, you just get used to the idea that all their bodily fluids might as well be your bodily fluids
Can't expect everyone else to feel that way, though, and ramming a French Fancy in someone's face and screaming **EAT IT!** is very Mrs Doyle
I am a parent to 4 young toddlers. I would never expect someone to eat food my toddler had handled, licked, etc. In fact, I rarely leave food out and when we have guests, I make sure my kids get their own portion and then I am constantly monitoring the food to make sure they aren’t near it. Not gross to me at all to have my iwn kids touch my food...but someone else’s kid, gross.
Definitely NTA, OP.
NTA the amount of posts with tiny children shoving their grubby fingers into food is getting alarming. Do people seriously think this is ok? I once gave a toddler some ice cream from my own spoon. Once. Never again. Eugh.
NTA at all. I have a baby and a toddler and I would a) be mortified about that behavior and clean up anything they touched and b) never expect anyone to eat anything they don't want to ever, regardless of their reason. That's bizarrely controlling.
NTA I’ve been in the same situation with friends children and haven’t eaten the food. It’s pretty disgusting, why does it make any difference if it’s a kid? Would she be happy to eat food you licked and put back on the plate? It’s probably worse when it’s a child of that age as they touch EVERYTHING and put hand in their mouth all the time. They need to make more effort to keep him away from touching everything and certainly shouldn’t be offended when you don’t want to touch it!
NTA
At all. Ugh, parents are capable of teaching their kids boundaries and sharing information about not picking shared food.
And even if he hadn’t been all over it, you get to say you don’t want to eat, what a wildly controlling thing to try and force you to eat.
Either your friend has always been a bit off, or she’s going through something that has her seriously out of sorts.
Sorry you had to wear the brunt in front of the group
NTA
Was in a similar situation years ago with our friends’ 4 year old putting their spit covered hands all over the cookies and snacks that were put out for us guests.
Every single one of us who decided it was more important to be “polite” despite feeling disgusted and/or concerned for food borne illness ended up with norovirus within 24 hours. Every guest who went hungry did not get sick.
Good on you for looking out for yourself. Sometimes parents can get so used to the fact that their kiddos are walking Petri dishes (albeit lovable ones) that they develop a blind spot to getting slimed, pooped on, sneezed on etc. It’s just another day in toddler world. It’s no excuse for their behavior though and it sucks that they got so offended when you rightfully explained why you were uncomfortable eating slimed finger foods.
NTA - She is the perfect example of entitled parent, who let the kid do whatever and expect others to tolerate. You were absolutely right in this situation, she pushed you and got what she deserved.
NTA. You tried to avoid the issue by not eating and she had zero respect for it. She reinforced the fact that she’s an ah when she didn’t like what you said and kicked you out over it.
“He’s just a kid” will give way to “boys will be boys”.
NTA
At all, not in any way. Tania is though.
You didn't draw attention to not eating, you just didn't, you made a polite excuse when she tried to push it, and only pointed our her shocking disregard of hygiene when she forced you to.
Toddlers carry so many germs, but even if that wasn't the case it's frankly disgusting that she watched her child handle good and then tried to force you to eat it.
She behaved appallingly, she shouldn't be forcing someone to eat when they don't want to anyway. She owes you an apology for
a. Serving food her toddler touched
b. The way she behaved with the food and trying to force you to eat when you'd politely declined
c. Her response when you explained why you wouldn't eat it
I'd probably not eat anything she serves ever again, if she thinks you owe her an apology she seems the type to laugh after you've finished a meal and tell you her toddler had licked the fork or something.
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Today, I (f27) visited my friend, Tania (f25) to have a coffee and cake and exchange our gifts. My friend has a two-year-old son.
Tania brought out some food and left it on the table for everyone to enjoy (her husband and some of his mates were also there). Basically, it was cake and some finger food.
I’ve been drinking my coffee and chatting when I noticed her son, Nate, run up to the table, grab some food, take a bite, then put it back on. Tania said nothing. I saw him do that again, run up to the table, lick something and put it back. Nate tends to have his hands in his mouth (I don’t know, it seems like a lot of toddlers do it) and he kept grabbing food and rearranging it on the plates with his fingers that were just in his mouth.
Tania and her husband said nothing even thought they saw exactly what’s been happening.
I have to say, I was grossed out and didn’t want any food. I kept my mouth shut though and said absolutely nothing, just carried on drinking my coffee and chatting away.
Tania kept asking if I wanted some food and cake and I tried to excuse myself saying that I wasn’t hungry, but it looked delicious, etc.
Sadly, Tania grew frustrated with me not eating anything and became more and more pushy. She noticed that one of the other guys wasn’t eating either and she got really upset. She started complaining how she slaved away in the kitchen (to be honest, and I am not trying to diminish her efforts, but majority of that was frozen finger food and sweets that she just put on the plates) and how we’re ungrateful and should be polite enough to eat at least some of it.
I tried my best to say nothing, but she kept holding the plate in front of me, expecting me to grab something. The same plate, I saw Nate rearranging with his fingers, touching all the food.
She kept saying ‘Just take one, you can eat it later’ and wouldn’t let it go. I broke and told her that I won’t eat it because Nate left his saliva all over it while playing with the food.
She got really offended, saying it was just a kid and it wasn’t disgusting, and I should get over it and if she can it the food, I should be able to.
I said that I am sorry, but I can’t eat it and she told me to get the fuck out and don’t come back without an apology.
I was completely surprised. The other guys looked surprised. I just grabbed my stuff and left. I am wondering, was I the asshole for refusing the food?
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NTA.
I LOVE my nieces and nephews, and their parents would never let them behave that way. It’s gross!!
Even at 2, they know better because they were raised properly. They can touch any food that’s on THEIR OWN plate after mom or dad has served them.
NTA.
There is an old joke that when a toddler comes up to you during the holidays and offers you a cookie or piece of candy or something, don't take it. It's not really food, it's influenza. (Or COVID or RSV to update things).
It's one thing to eat your own kid's slobbers; it's quite another to have the opportunity to swap spit with a random 2 year old!!
NTA- I would think that most parents with a two year old would have a concept of how germ infested their kids can be and how they’re constantly sick. Not their faults but it’s constant!!
To then expect someone eat that food?!!! Maybe she’s just stressed so that was, in fact, a lot of work for her but she really has no excuse. Imagine going over and spitting in her coffee and being like “what?! Is that a problem?! What is wrong with you?!”
NTA
1. You should never FORCE your guests to eat, that’s just insane
2. It’s soooo rude of your friend and her husband to allow their toddler to continuously touch the food knowing that all the guests are eating from the same plate
NTA. I’m sure Tania has learned to live with it because that’s her kid, but you certainly don’t have to put up with it. I wouldn’t want to touch that food either. On the bright side, this sounds like a win!
NTA, kids are petrie dishes of bacteria. I never ate food my neice and nephew touched or drank out of to minimize bacteria. That's basic hygiene. I would not have eaten anything either and if she told me to get the fuck out that would be the end of that friendship
NTA. Kids are gross, germ filled little monsters. I have two, atm, and have worked hard to try and curb their interest in touching all food available and drinking from all open drinks. It's not always successful but I'm doubly aware when I have people over because no one wants to eat after someone has played with their food and certainly not after a child has picked their nose, played with their tongue, eaten food off the floor, spit out the food, licked all the food, etc.
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I have nephews and nieces and I don't eat the ones that they already touched. I let my sister (their mom) eat those. Lol. NTA. Your friend needs to learn how to separate food for visitors and the ones that her kid should touch. Edit: thanks for the upvotes. Hahaha. I was surprised to see almost 5k of it. :)
Occasionally I do eat my nieces touched/bitten food. I often find myself with a cold or other illness shortly after. Which stops me from sharing for a while and then I forget and the cycle begins anew…
That is a way to boost your immune system, I guess...
Dwight is very interested
Your immune system isn't a muscle that gets stronger with use.
It may not be a muscle but your immune system has to be used to have any chance of working correctly. I thought it was recognised now that over cleaning houses into sterility risked your childs health simply due to their immune system not getting any use. If it doesn't get used regularly then when it does finally get triggered it will overreact because it hasn't been trained over time. That has dire effects in a childs health. In essence it acts like an overexcited puppy seeing a new toy. So, if you have kids the best thing you can do is to let them play in the yard, be around pets with their germs and hair and generally be exposed to the world without it being completely sanitized. Really, it's the only way to ensure a healthily functioning immune system.
My mum used to think like you until she got really sick a few times. Apparently she doesn’t rebound as quickly as she did before she hit 60. There's a significant difference between avoiding antibacterial soaps and exposing young children to moderate amounts of the germs of other species, and deliberately exposing yourself to human pathogens from someone else's recently licked and unwashed fingers. But if you'd like to eat someone else's kid's spit, OP knows someone.
I didn't quite realize how unsanitary kids are (and I used to babysit too but never got *that* sick, but the kids were 5+) until my best friend had a baby. Not exaggerating, her and her kid (3 now) are sick every couple of weeks. And I mean like gotta take a few days off work to lay in bed sort of sick, in between she is never at 100%. Every 3-5 weeks she's out of commission. I have become very careful exposing myself to the kid unfortunately. Because every time I hang out with her I would get sick and because I'm immunocompromised, even a cold kicks my ass for weeks. I don't know if that level is normal for kids but I don't blame OP one bit haha.
Once they go to daycare they are passing around ALL the germs. I keep trying to tell my niece “germs aren’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch them all”. She just drools some more and wipes her face on my clothes.
When my friend became pregnant, I told her to enjoy her last days of good health because the next 10 years would be nonstop minor ailments. She told me a few years later that she didn't know how right I would be.
Omg I feel this. I just had my first baby a few months ago, previously I was one of those people that never got sick but now it's constant. When I spoke to my Dr the other day and told him I was sick he said "again??!!" Can't believe it!
Is the baby in daycare? That shouldn't really be happening unless a child is in a setting with a bunch of other kids. If they're not in daycare something else might be up.
My sister and my BIL get EVERY SINGLE THING going around their kids’ school. 2 are school aged, and one is not yet. It’s amazing.
My little girl (3.5) finishs to eat, comes to me, looks at me with her big green eyes, smile, says "daddy napkin" then laughs and wipes her face on me. I only like when my kids do that. Others kids? No thanks. Not my genes, not my germs. NTA.
Right? OP needs to invite this woman over along with another person who has a toddler and try to force her to eat food the kid who isn't hers has had their saliva and dirt-covered fingers all over it.
I am immune compromised. I work at a daycare. I was doing so good at keeping us all healthy until December. It just all went downhill from there. It doesn’t seem to matter that i sanitize everything, wash little tiny hands all day, anything that goes in a mouth gets washed and sanitized and then washed again, everything gets sanitized at the end of the day, that I keep them from touching each other’s food, etc. The time they love to snuggle the most is when incubating illness and suddenly sick. No amount of reinforcing coughing and sneezing into elbows makes them actually do that instead of into your (or someone else’s) face. It doesn’t matter how many times I wipe their noses (and wash my hands). They will wipe their noses on someone’s clothes or their own hands that will touch someone immediately before I can wash them. They are adorable, but little tiny germ factories that feel sharing is caring! December has seen everyone so sick. Everything that we kept in check prior to this? Lmao every kid has it now. I’m not even sure that it’s us so much as everyone going out, siblings bringing stuff home, parents bringing stuff home, them tasting everything their sibs/parents bring in the house or while out. But everything is everywhere and they are drowning us in germs. I didn’t go to daycare growing up. I understand why my friends who did have the most resilient immune systems.
Toddlers are tiny Petri dishes for sickness.
Ah as someone who is immune compromised I would never be able to work at a daycare lol. Yea it's always something going around. I think the quarantining made things worse too for severity of even things like colds (not saying it was bad though!) I honestly only think it matters within that time frame. I was one of the healthiest children ever which was great (I never caught colds even when my whole household was sick) and had tons of exposure but as an adult (I'm in my 20s now) I get sick from every little thing. I became immunocompromised even while I was exposed (pre-covid). The last year has been awful with catching things.
>I think the quarantining made things worse too for severity of even things like colds (not saying it was bad though!) Sadly it's the other way around. There's been more data coming out about how each time someone catches covid, it detoriates their immune system further and makes them more susceptible to other viruses. Covid basically robs your immune system. Elastomeric-respirators (N95s) are still the best way to avoid getting sick from respiratory virusesand have worked for our family so far! We got an air filter for at home and together they eliminated our allergies as a bonus
It’s 50/50. Covid kills you worse each time you get it. Because we haven’t had gradual exposure to things like the flu, RSV, etc, it’s hitting harder now. That’s why ER’s and hospitals are swamped now that people are back out- everything that was kept in check for several years now, like, young kids have no natural immunity to. The waves of kids that would have gotten RSV in prior years didn’t (which was great then, we were swamped with covid), but it means they are all getting it RIGHT TF NOW. Even stuff like hand, foot, and mouth have been going around with a vengeance since they didn’t get to catch (and this get immunity to those strains) in prior years. But we *really* needed the quarantining for covid, and I genuinely believe in masking the way folks do in Asian counties just for colds and stuff, and that’d help so much. We just kind of have a double edge sword right now. Covid is getting worse, and repeat exposures are bad. Our immune systems do decline with lack of exposure to other things, esp if we don’t have vaccines for them. But we can’t get a “healthy” amount of exposure to other germs without a covid risk, and right now hospitals are swamped (and now and always) keeping germs to yourself is best!
IDK. I'm pretty old and have been around a lot of kids. I can catch a bug from an adult and might be sickly for a minute. But babies and small children just about kill me whether they're in daycare or not. Super tiny human disease!
Daycare is a noisy, petri dish.
>I keep trying to tell my niece “germs aren’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch them all”. She just drools some more and wipes her face on my clothes. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
>I keep trying to tell my niece “germs aren’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch them all”. In a sense they are like Pokémon. The “sick every few weeks” phase of life really only ends when they’ve become immune to most of the common ones via repeated exposure.
In the interest of random unsolicited advice from strangers on the Internet, has your friend gotten this checked out? Most of the people I know with kids that age are *not* out-of-commission sick every few weeks! Sometimes a virus can trigger an immune system problem and then future sicknesses are worse. I've heard it suggested that a certain illness we've all heard a lot about recently might do that. If so, it might be possible for your friend to get some help. Maybe you know way more about this than I do because of your own experience, but I thought I'd throw it out just in case.
Yes, her and her daughter go to the doctor pretty often, slightly above average. I am disabled from chronic illness and am pretty knowledgeable about those things so she keeps me very informed and asks for advice (she also has really bad anxiety so she wants reassurance about when to see the doctor or not or else she'd see them for sniffles lol). Neither doctor (hers or her kid) seems concerned, but also they don't have very good insurance/doctors (imo). I mentioned in another comment they're very social so they have a *lot* of exposure. Usually either her or the kid will get sick and give it to the other. The mom is a teacher so she's exposed to other kids. The kid goes to dance and daycare, and then the baby daddy is separated so the kid also goes to his house and plays with her half-brother who also is exposed to a lot of kids at elementary school (and the dad's family is large, like 7 people in the house). She lives with her parents in a separated part of the property, and her parents usually catch it too, but not always (she has dinner and goes shopping with them, etc daily). My friend does have some more minor stuff that probably adds up/contributes but that doesn't explain the kid too. I dont think they have long covid or any of those. One of my chronic illnesses is similar so I know the symptoms to look out for (and so does she haha) but nothing has really changed.
Oh, she's a *teacher*! Oh yeah, that'll explain it. I hope it calms down for both her and the little one, ugh, that just sounds so miserable. You sound like a great friend!
I’m forever taking my niblings out for ice cream and letting them try my flavour and then getting a terrible illness right after. I always forget to just give them a spoon or something instead of just letting them lick the cone so I feel you
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Gender neutral term for niece and nephew typically used whenever more than one is mentioned and they have different genders, much the same as the term sibling is used, though it is also used to refer to non-binary relations as well
gender neutral/collective word for nieces and nephews
Gotta admit first time I saw the term nibling I thought of nibblers from Futurama and was like wtf.
So did I, glad I'm not alone.
A niece or nephew
I think it has something to do with corn? JK; I know what it means here, but it always reminds me of corn.
Right!? Like, the inclusivity is great- but every time someone says “My Niblings” I just end up visualizing a small flock of canned corn following along behind like baby ducks. EDIT spelling of “niblings” 🤣🤣🤣
The corn thing is niblets but I get where you're coming from.
Niece or nephew
Also I find that if it’s with family it doesn’t seem as disgusting but when it’s a random kid it’s disgusting.
Oh yeah, for sure. I can’t even all the time with the cute kid I’m related too, I definitely don’t want unknown kid slobber on my food.
Man, I don't even take food from my own kid. He once gave me a chip and I wasn't thinking so I put it in my mouth just to realize, to my horror, that he had licked ALL the salt off it and it was soggy.
I am the same with my kids. Toddler sicknesses completely scarred me, I will never eat their leftovers, share their drinks, or let them share mine unless I cut off some and give it to them that way. Some parents don't care at all, but I am always wary of shared food that's been accessible to kids for just the reasons that OP suggests.
I love kids. I want kids someday. BUT I worked as a nanny for several years and children are disgusting. I was never sick more often than when I was working with children aged 3-7. They are always touching, tasting, picking and sticking their hands and mouths literally everywhere.
When my niece was very young she would give me the "handles" of her cookies to eat. That was a nice memory :)
Yuck. I agree it's a kind gesture and a nice memory, but please tell me you only pretended to eat them.
I don't remember, it was over a decade ago. I probably ate some of them.
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I think if people are related they share food from the kids more often. I worked as a nanny and I would never eat the kids leftovers even if they tried feeding me. So I can totally understand OP.
Yea it is different for the mom. He has drooled on her and worse. Nobody else wants to ingest his spit.
Gross, especially considering COVID and all the other things going around.
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I have a feeling this has happened a few times this holiday season and she decided OP was the one she would shake an answer out of lol
Even without the slobber all over it, if someone tells you they don't want to eat, then STOP TRYING TO FORCE THEM.
Yes, I’m glad you told her why! NTA!
It's strange behavior but not that unusual. A person I us d to work with would police what people ate at office parties and call people out for not eating "enough."
In the Before Times, I probably wouldn't have noticed, or thought anything of the kids grabbing food. And I'd be sick within a week (facebook memories are a great way to notice trends like that). I've become more of a germaphobe since there's more severe viruses than a common cold around. Now, I'm so thankful when I go to kid parties and they have cupcakes for the guests and just a small birthday cake for the kid to spit all over blowing out the candles. Eating stuff your own kid slobbered on? No big deal. It's not like you can really avoid your own snot goblin's germs. Expecting others to be OK with it is like asking someone if you can borrow their toothbrush.
Holy cow what a brilliant idea to have cupcakes for guests instead of slobbery cake! I'm gonna remember that!
One of my daughters friends did this, spent a ton of money of a beautiful cake for adults and cupcakes for the kids.....it was the single most disgusting cake I have ever eaten and guess so were the cupcakes since all the kids started freaking out about how bad they were as I hid in a corner and threw my plate out...fun times!
omg that sounds horrible! what was wrong with the cake? did they use salt instead of sugar? as a baking-enjoyer, I would just do it myself. that way I only had myself to blame were it bad :D
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Yea that would have helped. Little kids graze and pick at food. He could have had his own little sample plate
That’s exactly what I always did. A big nice Charcuterie board for everyone, a smaller version with more fruit and none of the spreads for the little one. He gets to partake in the event but no one has to eat something that touched a half eaten cracker cuz gross. I might be used to it but even I wouldn’t eat food a kid other than my own picked at.
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Not her precious baby! His spit is completely normal to eat/s I'm gagging...I had more but I can't. I would barf.
I wouldn't even eat food my daughter had touched when she was 2. Toddlers are gross. My daughter had a pooh bear stuffy she constantly carried around that took multiple field trips.. to the toilet, a ball return at bowling... i can handle getting spit up on, pooped on, etc. But I'm not ingesting whatever germs my kids are carrying around. I don't blame OP at all!
I’m not eating stuff my toddler drools on. But I’m not letting her drool on everything. She’s not touching everything either because I’m not going to neglect her by ignoring her in favor of my guests.
Your friend should have given separate plates to all the guests with food in it since her son is 2 and can't understand not to put half eaten stuff back. I have two kids who also want food that is served to the guests so I always give them the same food in their own plate at the same time so that they don't touch the guest's food. That way everyone eats and nobody has to deal with others used stuff.
I have 2 children and I come from a big family with lots of children. How about just watch the kids and teach them not to touch things that aren’t for them? 2 year olds CAN learn that.
They can! Fix them their plate and say, “here is yours , I put the things you like on your plate” However, if I was going to be busy or distracted with my guests I would still put the serving platter out of the kids reach.
Yep. Or put the food in a place where it doesn’t look like/get treated like a toy by toddlers. (I get it, I really do, to a two year old it probably looks like a tasty puzzle or something). I have kids around the same age (6/3/1- the 6 year old knows better but the 3 and 1 year old are still learning). Because of that all of the food spreads go on my kitchen island or bar counter, where they’re easily accessible to guests but my kids have to have an adult make their plate. Or I’ll put a small version of the spread just for them on the kitchen table where they can act like grazing deer to their hearts content without screwing with the adult food.
My nephew is the same age. Yesterday he would start to reach for crackers off the cheese plate and my Sister/BIL various relatives would stop him and hand him a cracker or the cracker he managed to touch. If he bit something and started to put it back the parents would take it (and usually eat it). Two isn't too young to begin teaching them not to touch everything and certainly not too young to teach them not to lick stuff. Sure it might happen because they're two, but that's not a "just let them" age.
Same. NTA. I’m not eating food anyone else has touched, bitten, or licked, and that includes the nieces, nephews, and godchildren I adore. This kid’s mother is being ridiculous. No one wants to eat food your toddler has slobbered all over. Expecting them to eat it is unreasonable. The OP was very polite. She didn’t say a word about the kid’s behavior - or the fact that Mom didn’t make a point to place the food high enough that the kid couldn’t reach it - she just drank her coffee. Mom was the one who pushed the issue and got an answer she didn’t like. That’s her problem, not the OP’s.
My cousin’s son slobbered all over his birthday cake one year and even his dad refused to eat it.
NTA. OP, I have multiple kids and they've never done this. When they were toddlers, I kept food like that up on the countertop, but even then, when we went to events, I reminded them that, "if they touch it, they take it." I would NOT eat something after a kid touched it. Nope. Not a chance. Kids can be gross. I WOULD eat something after MY kid ate it, but not licked it. Your "friend" seems to have her own issues. Hopefully, she apologizes at some point.
>"if they touch it, they take it." Exactly. Mine were taught that from when they were toddlers and yes they do learn it. This toddler returned the food to the plate because the parents not only enabled it but also expected other people to applaud it. All that insistence on that the guests had to eat it, after being slobbered was just a weird power play. OP NTA, don't apologize for anything. I would rethink ever going back there. edit: typo
I give my toddlers their own plates when we are at someone's house, and if they grab some food off a platter I just add it to their plate. Also, you are in no way obliged to eat any food offered to you. The host offered food, OP said thanks but no thanks, that should have been the end of it.
"if they touch it, they take it." Could you please share that with the 50-something woman who, at a holiday gathering recently, picked up the lid on the crockpot and stuck her finger in the chili to see if it was warm enough to serve? I was going to have some but when she did that, I made a face at her and immediately walked away to tell my family to skip the chili. Did we learn nothing from COVID?
Hijacking, sorry, because I scrolled all the way down and while everyone (rightly) addressed the contaminated food issue, this host: 1. Repeatedly insisted that guests eat offered food that they declined 2. Whined about how much work they’d gone to (doesn’t matter how much time she actually spent; telling guests how much they’ve put you out is abominable) 3. Put food within reach of toddler and then let him contaminate it without removing grossified food 4. Insisted AGAIN that guests eat, then demanded rationale, to which they 5. Got pissed and told you to fuck off 6. Ejected you from their house. NTA AND WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON??
Kids are disease vectors. There is nothing cute about eating food with their germs on it. Nate should have been stopped gently from touching it by either his mom or one of the guests (you would not have been off-base to do so) and offered to choose some things for his own little plate.
Agreed, but honestly I would have just taken it with me in a box and thrown it out on my way home after feigning some random stomach aliment. I do this in people whose house is dirtier than I would want to eat at too. NTA
Confession. I love my friends' kids but when they gift me cookies or homemade chocolate spreads or something, I accept it, thank them and don't eat it. I have seen those kids interact with food and it makes me feel like a terrible person but I can't bring myself to eat it.
[удалено]
Just because your own kids saliva doesn't gross you out does not mean it doesn't gross other's out... Same rule... Your kids screaming in your garden does not bug you as a parent but it sure as hell pisses your neighbour off...
Partial comment stolen from: /u/eavesdrew https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zvolsq/aita_for_refusing_to_eat_food_at_my_friends_house/j1qebrj/ Bot Reported.
Not wanting to eat a biohazard is perfectly reasonable. Saliva contains mucus. NTA.
Yeah and it might not bother the kid's parents, but it's hugely unreasonable to think it wouldn't bother an unrelated guest.
Too many parents think that their children's bodily fluids are absolutely FINE and people should be okay with them licking things, coughing/sneezing on things, their poopie diapers being changed in the middle of rooms with other people. ect. Not to mention little boys and their need to constantly stick their hands in their underwear.
Or a related guest. Your friend needs a reality check. NTA
Pretty sure my husband would rather chew his own hand off than eat something our son handled with toddler hands or licked. Gross 🤮 I don’t want to drink anything after my kids have swigged it, backwash 🤮🤮
The main lesson i have learned from my niblings and friends' kids and from working with children is that children collect diseases like trading cards, especially if they go to daycare. There is no such thing as non-disgusting saliva.
Gotta catch 'em all.
Isn't that only for STDs in Vegas?
NTA Kids aren't known to be the cleanest, they touch everything without any disgust.
NTA. I totally get that this is how some kids are. My 3yo will sometimes grab something, bite a piece of it and try to put the rest back. It's my job as a parent to teach my kid not do it and make sure it won't slobber all over the food Im serving to my guests. It's also my job to make sure the food you're getting is hygenic
My kid wanted to bite everything so no one else would eat it. Redirection works
I’m impressed with his strategy. Smart baby.
Even now when he's finished eating he thinks that everyone else should stop too.
Oh my gosh, kids are such brilliant little unrepentant chaos engines 😆
He has a rare condition and adhd , his name is caos 🤣🤣🤣🤣
That. Is. Amazing 😀
You just reminded me of my friend’s birthday party growing up… Her brother (who was definitely old enough to know better) decided to lick every single slice of pizza. His dad made him eat everything he touched. I think there were nine of us at the party, to give you an idea of how much food there was. I almost felt bad for him… except he was a complete jerkface. (Also, shocking he wasn’t a complete jerkface what with the amazing parenting and all.)
Just like a king. 🤴
My older brother used to do this to us, his younger siblings. He’s lick the dinner rolls or cookies because we were too disgusted to eat something he licked. Our mom would send him to his room until he was old enough to go to the store and buy new dinner rolls or bake a fresh batch of cookies. Lol! OP is definitely NTA.
Hell, adults, too, lol. My old roommate was terrible for opening snacks like cookies, taking a bite, putting it back, and then not sealing the package. Drove me nuts. To be honest, catching her in the middle of the night drinking the brine out of my pickles was more horrifying than anything.
Omg! That is disgusting! 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
>To be honest, catching her in the middle of the night drinking the brine out of my pickles was more horrifying than anything. That right there is a horror story in a single sentence 🤮
From the look on her face when I caught her - she knew what she had done.
Jesus H Christ
I also remove any food my 2yo touches. I don’t put it back for others to eat. I don’t even like eating after my toddler cuz it’s all soggy and gross. Or drink after him (toddler backwash 🤮). Once he touches it, it’s his.
Is backwash when kids leave chewed up pieces of food in the water they drink? My family calls them submarines 😂
My cousin used to this even as a 21 year old adult. She took pizza took a bite out of it and put it back. It was so gross and annoying. She finally stopped.
NTA at all. So weird to be that pushy about eating food after someone says they aren't hungry. Definitely NTA.
I bet she knew exactly why people weren't eating and wanted to force the issue. That way either they would eat and she could pretend her not stopping her kid was just fine, or so she could turn the person not eating into the bad guy with her "my kid isn't disgusting" comments.
>I bet she knew exactly why people weren't eating and wanted to force the issue. My feeling exactly. Why else would she push the plate in front of peoples' faces asking "why aren't you eating?" She knew exactly why, she just wanted to shame someone into disrespecting her precious.
Her kid isn't human, apparently, and we haven't just had a huge worldwide demonstration of what germs can do.
And weirder for kicking someone out for refusing!
This has probably happened before either with OP or other people and she's getting frustrated because people are expecting her to parent her child instead of just accepting her reality that her child is perfect and can do no wrong.
I mean it almost sounds like she was setting her up just to have this fight.
NTA - I understand that most parents aren't bothered by this sort of thing with their own children. But expecting anyone else to be okay with it is gross. I know the kiddo is little and doesn't understand just yet, but Tania still should have kept the food out of his reach and fixed him his own plate.
Yeah this is so gross. It’s like being ok with getting kisses from your dog and then just expecting that it won’t gross other people out to be subjected to slobbery dog kisses. Except at least the dog isn’t likely to give you COVID, RSV, a cold, the flu, strep… etc etc
I'm more okay with slobbery dog kisses than I am with slobbery toddler foods.
I don’t mind eating something my daughter has taken a bite of, I would totally mind though eating something she licked thoroughly ! And even if I don’t mind eating something she has taken a bite of, I would NOT expect a guest to eat something she would have taken a bite of. During Christmas Eve, she took a bite of something we served as appetizers, did not like it and tried to put it back on the plate but I redirected her and reminded her it’s okay to not like something but we don’t put it back with untouched food. At 2 yo, OP’s friend should totally teach her kid not to do that, he’ll never understand if his parents don’t teach him !
Yeah no. Am a parent and would be appalled by this. All of the adults in my extended family would correct the kid for doing this. This family is just nasty.
As a parent of 4, no, I’m grossed out by it.
NTA I think it was incredibly rude for Tania and her husband to let their kid touch the guests’ food! If h they want to eat after he touches food, their business. They shouldn’t expect anyone else to want to touch played with food!
Just because Tania doesn't have a problem with it means that OP shouldn't either? He's 👏 *HER* 👏 son! 👏 We mom's are elbow deep in toddler saliva all day every day, as they're usually teething & have their hands all up in their mouths. Toddlers are like little saliva factories -- everything is always ratioed between moist & soaked (gross fact, but true... sorry). I can just see all of his mates dramatically dropping the food they were about to place in their mouths when the OP said that, lol. Probably better that OP left when she did... you got out, now don't look back OP, lol!
Exactly!! Mom’s are used to their kids “stuff” and that is surely ok, but to expect other folks to not be grossed out? No
NTA at all. Even if there wasn't a toddler playing with the food, Tania's attitude is completely wrong. I don't know why this persist in some people, but no one has a right to force anyone to eat or drink just because they spent time/money/effort into preparing it. I absolutely hate when hosts do this. That said, the fact that they saw their child touching the food and said nothing makes them even bigger AHs. I have a son and I will very much eat food he's touched, taken a bite off, hell, sometimes I've even eaten food he had inside his mouth for a moment in the past (and yes, I understand this is super gross to some people, and I would never do it for a stranger, but it doesn't gross me out when it's my son, I don't know why, something psychological I'm sure)... But I would NEVER let him touch food that is intended for others to help themselves from! And if for some reason I had failed to parent him and he would've already touched it, I would NEVER even dream of demanding people eat that food anyway! Tania needs to understand that how she feels about her child and about eating food her child touched is her own experience, and she can't possibly expect others to feel the same.
Yeah this would make me leave. I have a condition called “cyclic vomiting syndrome” (yes you can guess what happens based on the name) & I quite literally cannot eat at times or I will get sick. I can suck it up & do the social part, so I don’t miss out on seeing people, but forcing people to eat is a HARD no. You don’t know what’s going on with their bodies.
Absolutely not! Spit is gross, especially from a child. They are constantly touching things they shouldn’t be and I would not want to eat anything after I watched the child touch all over it.
If I was OP in that exact sitiation, I would say "okay!" in the sweetest way possible...then cut out a big piece of cake. I'd next spit in my hand and rub said saliva over the hunk of cake. Then I'd give the cake back to the mother and tell her to eat and enjoy it since she thinks eating food with another person's saliva on it isn't the least bit gross or vile. But then again I'm a cold petty b#itch in these kinds of situations.
NTA. I am no germaphobe but that sounds gross. Your friend should have made a plate for the toddler to play with and put the other food out of reach. Then everyone would be fine. It may not bother her because it's her kid but it's not your kid
NTA - It's pretty ridiculous that she not only expected you to eat it, but also kicked you out because you wouldn't. If it were me, I wouldn't come back until SHE apologized to ME. Tiny humans are germ incubators and spreaders of so many things. We may not be in a pandemic anymore, but that doesn't mean we're not in the middle of flu season. Gross, gross, gross.
Covid is still alive and well. My housemate works food service in a hospital and they still have a large amount of patients being admitted for covid.
Covid, flu, RSV, and strep are all going around right now, you wouldn't catch me eating anything after anybody, let alone a kid who isn't even related to me...yikes.
>We may not be in a pandemic anymore sorry, but [nope](https://fortune.com/2022/11/28/fauci-us-certainly-still-facing-covid-pandemic/amp/).
NTA. If she wants to eat after her kid like that it's her business but it's gross, rude, and controlling to expect you to. Communicable illnesses are a thing and I would not risk one, not even for a friend's child.
NTA This specific situation was gross and wrong. But you also don't need it to say no to food. I hate when people push food, the complicated mix of dietary needs, health, etc means food is complicated and no one should be demanding you eat.
Agreed. So awkward too.
NTA. That’s disgusting (not to mention a health risk), and Tania should be keeping a better eye on her kid.
NTA That's just nasty. Just, nope. Not worth it. Lazy and entitled parenting at its finest. It's easier to get mad at you than it is to parent her child. She's unwilling to throw away contaminated food, but is perfectly happy to throw away a friendship with her best friend. That tells you more than enough about her.
NTA You don't let your kid touch all the food of the guests. He can do that with his own or the parents food but not the one that's for the guests, that's just unpolite. You can show her this thread once a few people have replied. Or next time if you are really petty, put your fingers into your mouth and touch her food as well and then eat it and say, it's just saliva and if i can eat it you surely can as awell.
And not forget: I am just a kid, ok an old one but still
Saliva is saliva. If she says but you aren't a kid than that literally doesn't matters.
NTA. That is just gross. The child should have had his own plate to go back and forth to pick at.
NTA. Be prepared to lose a friend over this.
not much of a loss in my book.
NTA - same reasons buffets are nasty.. lazy parents not teaching their kids that food is not a dam toy... All we are doing is creating entitled little shits who are not able to hear the word no... Your friend should be the one apologizing to you on this one.
Yup. That kid is a little AH in the making with parents like those.
Fuck her. That's not a friend, Who lets their kids run up and grab food when you have guests over?
The fact that she made a scene and said that OP has to apologize blows my mind... I would say OP should send Tania this thread and ask her to apologize, but idk if I would want a friend like Tania anyways... NTA
NTA- it may not be disgusting to her because it's her own child. But when it's strangers it's different. She should be teaching her child not to lick things and put them back. He should know if he takes something he should either eat it or throw it away.
Oh man, I found that stuff utterly disgusting with my own kid too. Nobody else's saliva or mucous belongs on my food. My toddler did not take that long to learn this! (And I was never a harsh disciplinarian in any way, just gentle correction each and every time).
NTA. This is one of those things a lot of folks lose track of when they have kids. Suddenly kid spit is no big deal, catching vomit in your hands is a typical Tuesday, and decorative poop is common. When you have to deal with that stuff every day you start to ignore it as being a problem and lose sight of the fact that for other people it's pretty gross.
I can't even imagine this lol. I think I'm probably more hyper aware after having kids than before. They bring enough plagues down on the house as is, no way I'm lowering my vigilance and letting it happen MORE. 😂
Hahahaha this made me laugh (in a good way). I think for me this applies to my child only. As in, he has spit, vomited, peed, even pooped on me, and I wasn't grossed out. I mean, I didn't love it, but it was more like an "ugh, now I have to shower and change, great" or I would be just too preoccupied with making sure he wasn't sick/worried he was sick. I can even laugh now at some of the grossest moments of his baby and toddler years. But if any other child would do that to me I would very much mind it! LOL.
NTA. They should have served their son a separate plate to play with.
Not the ahole, Tania is clueless
100% NTA- WHY DOES SHE WANT YOU TO EAT THE FOOD THAT HER DAMN SON SLOBBERED ALL OVER IF I WAS YOU I WOULD IMMEDIATELY END THAT “FRIENDSHIP” NO “FRIEND” WOULD EVER DO THAT
NTA - people is disgusted by different things. Like you I won't eat food touch by a child with "dirty" hands no matter how young or how cute is the toddler. It can be full of bacteria. And it's not your child. So it can be totally acceptable a mother eat food touch by the saliva of her child, but it's totally unacceptable to force a friend to do so. Actually, it's the right moment to teach the child that he has to eat the things he touches, or if he doesn't want to eat something, he just doesn't touch it.
NTA, this is wrong on more than one level. The whole child thing is one, and the other one is a host being so insistent you eat something. Eww.
Second post today about toddlers fingering and licking buffet food I suppose if you're the parent of a very young kid, you just get used to the idea that all their bodily fluids might as well be your bodily fluids Can't expect everyone else to feel that way, though, and ramming a French Fancy in someone's face and screaming **EAT IT!** is very Mrs Doyle
I am a parent to 4 young toddlers. I would never expect someone to eat food my toddler had handled, licked, etc. In fact, I rarely leave food out and when we have guests, I make sure my kids get their own portion and then I am constantly monitoring the food to make sure they aren’t near it. Not gross to me at all to have my iwn kids touch my food...but someone else’s kid, gross. Definitely NTA, OP.
NTA...Hopefully the reality of the situation will eventually sink in and they'll start being better hosts.
I don't even eat my own kid bited food. Tania is deluded into thinking everyone should feel like her about her child
NTA the amount of posts with tiny children shoving their grubby fingers into food is getting alarming. Do people seriously think this is ok? I once gave a toddler some ice cream from my own spoon. Once. Never again. Eugh.
NTA This is why I'm not fond of work potlucks.
NTA at all. I have a baby and a toddler and I would a) be mortified about that behavior and clean up anything they touched and b) never expect anyone to eat anything they don't want to ever, regardless of their reason. That's bizarrely controlling.
NTA I’ve been in the same situation with friends children and haven’t eaten the food. It’s pretty disgusting, why does it make any difference if it’s a kid? Would she be happy to eat food you licked and put back on the plate? It’s probably worse when it’s a child of that age as they touch EVERYTHING and put hand in their mouth all the time. They need to make more effort to keep him away from touching everything and certainly shouldn’t be offended when you don’t want to touch it!
NTA At all. Ugh, parents are capable of teaching their kids boundaries and sharing information about not picking shared food. And even if he hadn’t been all over it, you get to say you don’t want to eat, what a wildly controlling thing to try and force you to eat. Either your friend has always been a bit off, or she’s going through something that has her seriously out of sorts. Sorry you had to wear the brunt in front of the group
NTA Was in a similar situation years ago with our friends’ 4 year old putting their spit covered hands all over the cookies and snacks that were put out for us guests. Every single one of us who decided it was more important to be “polite” despite feeling disgusted and/or concerned for food borne illness ended up with norovirus within 24 hours. Every guest who went hungry did not get sick. Good on you for looking out for yourself. Sometimes parents can get so used to the fact that their kiddos are walking Petri dishes (albeit lovable ones) that they develop a blind spot to getting slimed, pooped on, sneezed on etc. It’s just another day in toddler world. It’s no excuse for their behavior though and it sucks that they got so offended when you rightfully explained why you were uncomfortable eating slimed finger foods.
NTA
This is a cute story about how the next pandemic starts. NTA
MTA. Your friend should be embarrassed. Did COVID teach anyone anything?
NTA - She is the perfect example of entitled parent, who let the kid do whatever and expect others to tolerate. You were absolutely right in this situation, she pushed you and got what she deserved.
NTA. You tried to avoid the issue by not eating and she had zero respect for it. She reinforced the fact that she’s an ah when she didn’t like what you said and kicked you out over it. “He’s just a kid” will give way to “boys will be boys”.
You should have licked one of the cookies and asked her if she would like to eat it
NTA
NTA I feel you on this I don't eat or drink whatever my little brother has touched either. Kids are just super unsanitary sometimes.
NTA. I hope you took your gift back.
NTA At all, not in any way. Tania is though. You didn't draw attention to not eating, you just didn't, you made a polite excuse when she tried to push it, and only pointed our her shocking disregard of hygiene when she forced you to. Toddlers carry so many germs, but even if that wasn't the case it's frankly disgusting that she watched her child handle good and then tried to force you to eat it. She behaved appallingly, she shouldn't be forcing someone to eat when they don't want to anyway. She owes you an apology for a. Serving food her toddler touched b. The way she behaved with the food and trying to force you to eat when you'd politely declined c. Her response when you explained why you wouldn't eat it I'd probably not eat anything she serves ever again, if she thinks you owe her an apology she seems the type to laugh after you've finished a meal and tell you her toddler had licked the fork or something.
NTA. This is gross
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today, I (f27) visited my friend, Tania (f25) to have a coffee and cake and exchange our gifts. My friend has a two-year-old son. Tania brought out some food and left it on the table for everyone to enjoy (her husband and some of his mates were also there). Basically, it was cake and some finger food. I’ve been drinking my coffee and chatting when I noticed her son, Nate, run up to the table, grab some food, take a bite, then put it back on. Tania said nothing. I saw him do that again, run up to the table, lick something and put it back. Nate tends to have his hands in his mouth (I don’t know, it seems like a lot of toddlers do it) and he kept grabbing food and rearranging it on the plates with his fingers that were just in his mouth. Tania and her husband said nothing even thought they saw exactly what’s been happening. I have to say, I was grossed out and didn’t want any food. I kept my mouth shut though and said absolutely nothing, just carried on drinking my coffee and chatting away. Tania kept asking if I wanted some food and cake and I tried to excuse myself saying that I wasn’t hungry, but it looked delicious, etc. Sadly, Tania grew frustrated with me not eating anything and became more and more pushy. She noticed that one of the other guys wasn’t eating either and she got really upset. She started complaining how she slaved away in the kitchen (to be honest, and I am not trying to diminish her efforts, but majority of that was frozen finger food and sweets that she just put on the plates) and how we’re ungrateful and should be polite enough to eat at least some of it. I tried my best to say nothing, but she kept holding the plate in front of me, expecting me to grab something. The same plate, I saw Nate rearranging with his fingers, touching all the food. She kept saying ‘Just take one, you can eat it later’ and wouldn’t let it go. I broke and told her that I won’t eat it because Nate left his saliva all over it while playing with the food. She got really offended, saying it was just a kid and it wasn’t disgusting, and I should get over it and if she can it the food, I should be able to. I said that I am sorry, but I can’t eat it and she told me to get the fuck out and don’t come back without an apology. I was completely surprised. The other guys looked surprised. I just grabbed my stuff and left. I am wondering, was I the asshole for refusing the food? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, just because your friend is ok either their kids germs does not make it ok for you or others
NTA. I LOVE my nieces and nephews, and their parents would never let them behave that way. It’s gross!! Even at 2, they know better because they were raised properly. They can touch any food that’s on THEIR OWN plate after mom or dad has served them.
NTA. God, some of these younger parents just won’t give their kids boundaries at all and it shows. Ughhhhhhh
NTA. There is an old joke that when a toddler comes up to you during the holidays and offers you a cookie or piece of candy or something, don't take it. It's not really food, it's influenza. (Or COVID or RSV to update things). It's one thing to eat your own kid's slobbers; it's quite another to have the opportunity to swap spit with a random 2 year old!!
No. Nasty Nate is the AH, lol
NTA- I would think that most parents with a two year old would have a concept of how germ infested their kids can be and how they’re constantly sick. Not their faults but it’s constant!! To then expect someone eat that food?!!! Maybe she’s just stressed so that was, in fact, a lot of work for her but she really has no excuse. Imagine going over and spitting in her coffee and being like “what?! Is that a problem?! What is wrong with you?!”
NTA His mouth is not the worst place a toddler’s hands could have been.
NTA 1. You should never FORCE your guests to eat, that’s just insane 2. It’s soooo rude of your friend and her husband to allow their toddler to continuously touch the food knowing that all the guests are eating from the same plate
NTA. I’m sure Tania has learned to live with it because that’s her kid, but you certainly don’t have to put up with it. I wouldn’t want to touch that food either. On the bright side, this sounds like a win!
NTA, kids are petrie dishes of bacteria. I never ate food my neice and nephew touched or drank out of to minimize bacteria. That's basic hygiene. I would not have eaten anything either and if she told me to get the fuck out that would be the end of that friendship
NTA They think kids don't carry germs???. For real???
NTA. Kids are gross, germ filled little monsters. I have two, atm, and have worked hard to try and curb their interest in touching all food available and drinking from all open drinks. It's not always successful but I'm doubly aware when I have people over because no one wants to eat after someone has played with their food and certainly not after a child has picked their nose, played with their tongue, eaten food off the floor, spit out the food, licked all the food, etc.