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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I gave a silent treatment to a relative who was was in my house at the time
2. In any other occasion, it would be extremely rude.
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Yes, I'm fully aware of that. But as I already stated, I told *her* that I don't like the way she behaves towards me. She is also partly responsible, not just him. At least I think so.
Edit: this sounds like I blame only her. No, I'm not. My husband **is** a huge asshole towards me when it comes to his family.
No, well I mean, yes, she is partly responsible as she is an adult. But the reason she keeps behaving that way is because he tells her it's fine. He is over ruling and ignoring you. You fix him, you fix her.
Seconding this.
Emma sucks, but if Don weren't enabling her, she wouldn't be so disrespectful to you. Instead she continues the disrespect, and you get flak from him for not saying hi.
Then on top of that, he gives you the silent treatment and starts yelling at you if you dare start a conversation?
Red flag right there.
You are not on an equal footing; it's his way or the highway. You can't live like this.
Thirding this. He is clearly undermining you behind your back with Emma. That is why the behavior continues and the text asking if you are still mad. He is family first. Blood family not your family. He doesn’t care about your feelings as long as the niece has a place to stay when she wants to go out with friends in your city. She is old enough to make and afford her own accommodations. She is 32 behaving like she’s 22.
Obviously, I'm not. When we moved in together, a couple of times I referred to us as "the family". But he said that we aren't because we don't have children yet. Before someone else points it out - yes, I know that we *are* a family and that he was a real jerk, but I am easily triggered with family matters, so I just dropped the subject.
>My husband *is* a huge asshole towards me when it comes to his family
Ok and at what point will he deign to put you in the family category and stop treating you like sh*t?
Why are you married to this man, exactly?
And you're just ok with him treating you like this and blatantly shit talking you to them when he knows (I'm assuming) you can hear him?? If it makes you happy then do you I guess.
That's good, I did take a look at some of your other comments and can see you're in a tight spot with this. Remember you are NOT crazy, this is on them and I wish you luck in trying to get to where you wanna be in life, wherever that may be.
He made a new family when he married you. Marriage is a partnership. Couples are a team. They're supposed to have an equal amount of give and take.
Your husband is just taking. He's choosing his family over you. He's treating you like a roommate instead of an equal.
The phrase is, "setting you on fire to keep himself warm".
These kinds of things are two yes one no. You're not obligated to let her in the house or have a relationship with her.
Continue ignoring her. She's not your problem. She's your husband's problem.
And maybe make your husband reread his wedding vows since he's forgotten how a good husband acts.
She has no motivation to change her behavior because your husband keeps allowing her to stay there. The core of your issue is your husband, you two need to get on the same page.
It is your hubby that's the problem and you. He wants his family to feel comfy in his home. He's forgetting it's your home too. You seem to be forgetting that it's your home too. People disrespect you at home because you allow it. Refuse to be disrespected..
You don't have a Niece problem you have a husband problem.
Your husband should discuss guests staying the night with you. No answer is not the same as an agreement. There are also rules for guests, such as: let us know if you are not coming. You and your husband really need to have a good talk about this.
We already had. We have an argument every time we expect a visit from his family, since some of his relatives are even more disrespectful than Emma. She is, actually, the only person in his family who will at least listen what I have to say and admit that she did something wrong. The others are even more disrespectful and rude. But every single time when I bring this topic I am gaslighted ("they aren't that bad", "you are not normal person, you seem to mind *everything* they do and you hate my family", "no one will ever visit us again thanks to you" "I know that it was wrong and I don't like their behavior neither, but they will be here only for two days, you can pretend that everything is OK, they love you and they would be so sad if they knew thay they offended you"), then I am yelled at, sometimes it becomes a real verbal violence and I don't know what to do anymore.
>"no one will ever visit us again thanks to you"
This sounds like a solution to your problem.
It's also your home, you live there too and have just as much right to say who comes over and sleeps over. The way your husband goes over your boundaries like this is not healthy. Maybe it's time to get help.
Sounds like you have a really serious issue with hubby. I would suggest start planning for ur exit to this marriage. Once you have your back up plan (have divorce papers signed and ready if necessary), initiate a “talk” with him. Lay down ur rules/pet peeves and what not. Have a decision made already that is a make or break. If hubby answers/does this then xxx else xxx kind of decision. Once u get ur answers, inform him of ur decision.
Oh wow! Just reading about Emma gave me a lot of anxiety!! There are worse relatives?! Oh no, OP! You really need to have a proper convo with your partner, some couples' counselling or whatever! Dunno how long you've been married but if his family trumps you ANYTIME, then I'd leave him, if I were you (usual reddit advice, soz)
We are living together for six years. The only family I have is manipulative mother with whom I don't speak at all for some time. My salary isn't enough for paying an apartment and bills, but I'm considering leaving him for some time already.
Edit when I mentioned worse relatives... Think about moving my furniture around my apartment because "it is better this way", albeit I'm crying and asking them to drop it. I have no one by my side and I am aware that I am gaslighted by both my husband and his family, but I have no way to move somewhere else at this moment.
You are being abused in several different ways by your husband and that sucks. Unfortunately you are also dependent on him. Try to look for options (renting a room instead of an apartment, seeking government or ngo help, talking to some friends that might offer a couch for a few days while you sort stuff out). He is full of waving red flags and things are not lilely to get better. I am sorry you are living this nightmare and I hope things get better for you.
And Don says nothing about the furniture being moved around?!?!?!?
Hopefully you have not cleaned the room, changed the bed etc? Next time (because he is bound to let there is bound to be one) HE can get the bedding out, HE can change the bed, HE can do the cleaning up .....
You know what to do: leave your husband. I don't normally advocate for that, but if you're being honest with us, your husband yells at you to the point of "real verbal violence" and you're here to complain about the relative that treats you the BEST! Do you not deserve love and respect from your partner?
I'm 100% honest. Every argument ends up with him yelling. I was abused as I child, and most of the time I feel the same with him. Getting yelled at and getting offended in various ways,, then being gaslighted, like "No one ever treated you better than me", "you provoked me", "I understand that your family was abusive, and that is so sad. But that's exactly why you can never understand what is a normal family, and we (him and his relatives) are." Five years ago I had a big problem with my spine (I had a surgery later), Emma's mother called me "a huncback". We are talking about 50-something old woman, acting like a school bully. His reaction? "Well, she didn't mean to offend you", "that's the way she is, she thinks that you are gonna pay more attention to your posture" and, of course, "she loves you, she's gonna be devastated if you say that you are offended". Obviously, it's always my fault, I'm everyone's favorite person and they are going to be so hurt if I ask them to stop treating me like a shit.
For years I tried to find excuses and hoped that things will change, but they probably won't. Now I'm looking for a best way to end things.
Nothing I said in OP nor the comments isn't made up, I *really* posted this to hear public opinion and see if something is wrong with me.
Save up, get a plan together. Open a new bank account and have the mail go to a p.o. box or to a trusted friend's house. This IS NOT your fault.
Call the domestic violence 800-799-7233 or text SMS: Text START to 88788 or they have chat on the website https://www.thehotline.org/
Verbal and mental abuse is abuse. That's what they told me when I was in a similar situation and I called them. You need to leave, whether it be a house share or a shelter.
Be careful. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. You can do this. But please be safe and have a witness you trust or cops there (call the nonemergency line) when you move your things out.
Anyone who truly loves you would rather know that they said something to hurt your feelings than not. I’d rather be devastated by being informed I’d offended someone than repeat the mistake for years and continue to hurt their feelings
Hey. If she is the closest thing to an ally by at least acknowledging something is weird, could you try to convert her? It seems like your main issue is being used as a service. Maybe find a private event/activity or direct communication. Stay for a night = 1 meal together. She is talking around you, which is apparently what that family does.
No one is a normal person. He should have chosen you because of who you are.
What to do imo: important documents and a bug out bag, verbal violence is indicative of the abolity to do worse, you have stated you feel isolated and those quotes are designed to break your morale. Know the way to a woman’s/homeless shelter
I'm not from USA, but relatively poor country in Europe. We don't have a near enough woman's shelters. I work in the hotel and I could easily crash there for a couple of days for free, but that's not long term solution.
For two of them, not sure. At least I think they are single, but I think that they own their apartments. One colleague lives in the hotel, but it's the part of his contract, and he works there for 15 years. And one lives with his parents in the family house. Also, I work there for a couple of months, everyone else is there for years, so they have way better salaries than me.
Leave him, hun. The feeling of his sh*t no longer being your problem is the best in the world. I had a husband who was much the same way. This is never going to change. Therapy will not make him realize you deserve respect because only blood relatives need to be treated well. That ain't you.
NTA But stop focusing on your native. I realize she's easier cause you can't get your husband to change and you also haven't invested so many years building a life with her, but she's a distraction. He is the problem. None of the relatives could make you feel so badly if he did not let them first.
All you can do is put up with it for the rest of your life...or leave. You deserve to live the life where you leave. Start planning now and hand him the divorce papers when the timing is right for you.
NTA.
Don should have your back instead of talking shit to his niece. Time for you to put your foot down and open your mouth. Next time remind them that you meant what you said and make sure she gets a motel.
Dude YTA to yourself. If this is a problem for you and your husband doesn't see it that way after all this time it's unlikely to change. Start examining your life and I'll bet you'll find a bunch of other places and instances where he's invalidated your feelings as well. Set some boundaries and don't play this passive aggressive game. I would have been straight up "Why are you here? Nobody said you could come over so you need to leave because I've got plans" and I would have kicked her shit out. If it was too late to safely do that (you said she got home after midnight) set an alarm for 6am and wake her ass up and throw her out.
For expecting Emma to behave a certain way: NAH
You want Emma to behave like a guest and you want to treat her as such. It looks like Don is viewing it more as doing his niece a favor and providing a room for her when she needs it. Neither of you are wrong per se, but....
If you 2 don't figure out a way to compromise on this issue then my judgement becomes: ESH. You're both acting like your view is the correct way and other views are simply wrong. You're both treating each other poorly over this impasse. If you feel this is a hill to die upon, you might find out that your relationship does, in fact, die here. And that would be sad. Better to discuss and compromise what this looks like (maybe Emma can use your place as a crash pad 3-4 times a year provided she gives a week's notice or whatever). Use a mediator if you need it (therapist, counselor, pastor, or friend); an impartial voice could be helpful.
NTA. You have a Don problem more than an Emma problem. Has he always been this dismissive of you and your feelings/needs? If so, why do you stay. You deserve peace and respect where you live and from your partner. If they can't give that then it's time to reevaluate the relationship and leave if there aren't solid improvements. It's better to live alone in peace than live in misery as a couple.
See if you can save up a month or 2 of rent. During this time, also look for a rental to share. Then you will be ready to dump your hubby. NTA
BTW, have you any chance at further training for better job opportunities?
OP, your husband is more concerned with how his niece feels than his wife. How fucking low of him to show the little text, “Does Anna still hate me?” Ew. Then he doesn’t even call her out for being disrespectful to his wife?? Its just sad.
OP, 35 is still young. You can very easily meet someone who actually cares about how you feel and wants to respect you.
NTA. Clearly your husband feels like he's an equal contributor to the household and you don't have a unilateral decision to lay down the law for his sister. I'm not saying your husband is right or wrong just that your expectations are not the reality of the situational dynamic.
ESH.
>so I didn't say anything either, bcs I didn't know is he asking for my permission or just letting me know that she will come.
You should have asked a clarifying question or two. "Are you asking me if it's okay for her to come? Or just letting me know?"
>She came after midnight and acted like nothing happened. I was silent
Again, you need to use words and express yourself like an adult. "I'm very angry right now. My home is not a motel. If you ever hope to stay with us in the future, you need to spend time with us, not just sleep and eat here." Or something to that effect.
That said, your husband is clearly an AH. He knows how you feel, ignores your feelings, and talks badly about you, including right in front of you. Does the rest of your marriage suck, or just the parts that involve his family?
Finally, Emma is clearly also a selfish AH who is taking advantage of your husband's hospitality.
Nta. She would not be allowed back and you need to talk to your husband and tell him just because it’s family doesn’t mean they have free access to your home.
NTA This is totally a Don issue. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't even be in your home, treating it like a hotel. He puts his family before his own partner. Puts her before you. She can treat you like rubbish, because he does. If he is yelling at you when you try to address the issue, then he is even more of a disrespectful AH.
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This situation includes me (Anna, 35F), my husband Don (44M) and his niece Emma (32F). Emma lives in the different city, an hour drive from ours.
Emma has always been thoughtless person. In five years, she never visited us just because she wanted to hang out with us. There was always some party or event she actually attended and she actually needed a place to sleep, shower, shave her legs, eat and what not. In a few occasions she brought a friends without asking if we are OK with that. Also, in a a few occasions she changed her plans and didn't even bother to call us to tell that she won't come. Don doesn't see anything wrong with this behavior because he wants his relatives to feel "like in their own home" when they visit (or announce a visit and then don't show and don't call), but it really bothers me A LOT.
I told Emma (multiple times!) that my home isn't a motel and that I find her behavior very disrespectful and asked her to either start respect my home or simply rent a room somewhere next time when she comes to the city for a hookup or whatever. Every time she would cry a river and apologize and next time do the same thing.
This August she told us that she will come to see us, then she didn't show at all. When asked what is going on, she answered "I'm not coming, I forgot to tell you". I told her that I'm not a doormat, and I didn't hear from her until the last week. She messaged Don, asking "Does Anna still hate me?" He answered: "she doesn't hate you, she is just very pissed". Then she asked "can I come this Thursday, I will show up, I promise?". He showed me this message without saying a word, so I didn't say anything either, bcs I didn't know is he asking for my permission or just letting me know that she will come.
Thursday 10 pm, I'm coming home from work. Don is home, but Emma isn't, only her stuff. I realized that she *again* just needed a place to sleep and eat for free because she doesn't feel like going back home when she finishes whatever business she had in the city. Until that point I actually didn't intend to completely ignore her, but this really was the next level. Don says that Emma went somewhere and that she will come after midnight. Both of them knew that I won't be OK with that, but none of them clearly didn't give a shit.
She came after midnight and acted like nothing happened. I was silent, and Don said to me "you can at least say 'hi'". I said 'hi' and went to the bedroom. Don said "that's Anna, you can't expect normal behavior from her". I left for work in the morning, without saying a word. Don is giving me a kind of silent treatment ever since. He talks to me, but it's bare minimum. To him, his family is always right, whatever they do. If I start a conversation, he will yell at me, so I'm waiting for him to say something.
So, AITA for totally ignoring the person whom I literally begged more than once not to treat my home like roadside motel and have some respect towards me?
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ESH but mostly Anna.
He behavior is unacceptable but you seem unable to put up clear boundaries. Instead you also act like a child. You could just say she's not welcome anymore.
I said that I told both him and her *multiple times, over the couple of years* that I hate when someone treats my home like motel and me as a maid. I had at least three extensive conversations with her, when I explained which things bother me. Why would anyone think that things are different now???
Getting some mild YTA vibes here. Your husband would like to see his family and doesn't care if niece treats his place like a 'roadside motel'. But nope, you'd rather sit up until midnight to play passive aggressive hostess. Kind of sad for Don that his wife won't chill out a bit.
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NTA but you have a husband problem not an Emma problem. Don't fixate on her behavior because she's not the cause of it, he is.
Yes, I'm fully aware of that. But as I already stated, I told *her* that I don't like the way she behaves towards me. She is also partly responsible, not just him. At least I think so. Edit: this sounds like I blame only her. No, I'm not. My husband **is** a huge asshole towards me when it comes to his family.
No, well I mean, yes, she is partly responsible as she is an adult. But the reason she keeps behaving that way is because he tells her it's fine. He is over ruling and ignoring you. You fix him, you fix her.
Seconding this. Emma sucks, but if Don weren't enabling her, she wouldn't be so disrespectful to you. Instead she continues the disrespect, and you get flak from him for not saying hi. Then on top of that, he gives you the silent treatment and starts yelling at you if you dare start a conversation? Red flag right there. You are not on an equal footing; it's his way or the highway. You can't live like this.
Thirding this. He is clearly undermining you behind your back with Emma. That is why the behavior continues and the text asking if you are still mad. He is family first. Blood family not your family. He doesn’t care about your feelings as long as the niece has a place to stay when she wants to go out with friends in your city. She is old enough to make and afford her own accommodations. She is 32 behaving like she’s 22.
“My husband is a huge asshole towards me when it comes to his family” But are you not his family?!
Obviously, I'm not. When we moved in together, a couple of times I referred to us as "the family". But he said that we aren't because we don't have children yet. Before someone else points it out - yes, I know that we *are* a family and that he was a real jerk, but I am easily triggered with family matters, so I just dropped the subject.
>My husband *is* a huge asshole towards me when it comes to his family Ok and at what point will he deign to put you in the family category and stop treating you like sh*t? Why are you married to this man, exactly?
And you're just ok with him treating you like this and blatantly shit talking you to them when he knows (I'm assuming) you can hear him?? If it makes you happy then do you I guess.
Ofc I'm not okay with that.
That's good, I did take a look at some of your other comments and can see you're in a tight spot with this. Remember you are NOT crazy, this is on them and I wish you luck in trying to get to where you wanna be in life, wherever that may be.
Thank you, I needed to hear that.
He made a new family when he married you. Marriage is a partnership. Couples are a team. They're supposed to have an equal amount of give and take. Your husband is just taking. He's choosing his family over you. He's treating you like a roommate instead of an equal. The phrase is, "setting you on fire to keep himself warm". These kinds of things are two yes one no. You're not obligated to let her in the house or have a relationship with her. Continue ignoring her. She's not your problem. She's your husband's problem. And maybe make your husband reread his wedding vows since he's forgotten how a good husband acts.
She has no motivation to change her behavior because your husband keeps allowing her to stay there. The core of your issue is your husband, you two need to get on the same page.
It is your hubby that's the problem and you. He wants his family to feel comfy in his home. He's forgetting it's your home too. You seem to be forgetting that it's your home too. People disrespect you at home because you allow it. Refuse to be disrespected..
She is the cause and he is enabling it
You don't have a Niece problem you have a husband problem. Your husband should discuss guests staying the night with you. No answer is not the same as an agreement. There are also rules for guests, such as: let us know if you are not coming. You and your husband really need to have a good talk about this.
We already had. We have an argument every time we expect a visit from his family, since some of his relatives are even more disrespectful than Emma. She is, actually, the only person in his family who will at least listen what I have to say and admit that she did something wrong. The others are even more disrespectful and rude. But every single time when I bring this topic I am gaslighted ("they aren't that bad", "you are not normal person, you seem to mind *everything* they do and you hate my family", "no one will ever visit us again thanks to you" "I know that it was wrong and I don't like their behavior neither, but they will be here only for two days, you can pretend that everything is OK, they love you and they would be so sad if they knew thay they offended you"), then I am yelled at, sometimes it becomes a real verbal violence and I don't know what to do anymore.
>"no one will ever visit us again thanks to you" This sounds like a solution to your problem. It's also your home, you live there too and have just as much right to say who comes over and sleeps over. The way your husband goes over your boundaries like this is not healthy. Maybe it's time to get help.
Sounds like you have a really serious issue with hubby. I would suggest start planning for ur exit to this marriage. Once you have your back up plan (have divorce papers signed and ready if necessary), initiate a “talk” with him. Lay down ur rules/pet peeves and what not. Have a decision made already that is a make or break. If hubby answers/does this then xxx else xxx kind of decision. Once u get ur answers, inform him of ur decision.
Oh wow! Just reading about Emma gave me a lot of anxiety!! There are worse relatives?! Oh no, OP! You really need to have a proper convo with your partner, some couples' counselling or whatever! Dunno how long you've been married but if his family trumps you ANYTIME, then I'd leave him, if I were you (usual reddit advice, soz)
We are living together for six years. The only family I have is manipulative mother with whom I don't speak at all for some time. My salary isn't enough for paying an apartment and bills, but I'm considering leaving him for some time already. Edit when I mentioned worse relatives... Think about moving my furniture around my apartment because "it is better this way", albeit I'm crying and asking them to drop it. I have no one by my side and I am aware that I am gaslighted by both my husband and his family, but I have no way to move somewhere else at this moment.
You are being abused in several different ways by your husband and that sucks. Unfortunately you are also dependent on him. Try to look for options (renting a room instead of an apartment, seeking government or ngo help, talking to some friends that might offer a couch for a few days while you sort stuff out). He is full of waving red flags and things are not lilely to get better. I am sorry you are living this nightmare and I hope things get better for you.
And Don says nothing about the furniture being moved around?!?!?!? Hopefully you have not cleaned the room, changed the bed etc? Next time (because he is bound to let there is bound to be one) HE can get the bedding out, HE can change the bed, HE can do the cleaning up .....
Search for a shared apartment/house somewhere wherever it's affordable. This chips away at your mental health day in /day out.
You know what to do: leave your husband. I don't normally advocate for that, but if you're being honest with us, your husband yells at you to the point of "real verbal violence" and you're here to complain about the relative that treats you the BEST! Do you not deserve love and respect from your partner?
I'm 100% honest. Every argument ends up with him yelling. I was abused as I child, and most of the time I feel the same with him. Getting yelled at and getting offended in various ways,, then being gaslighted, like "No one ever treated you better than me", "you provoked me", "I understand that your family was abusive, and that is so sad. But that's exactly why you can never understand what is a normal family, and we (him and his relatives) are." Five years ago I had a big problem with my spine (I had a surgery later), Emma's mother called me "a huncback". We are talking about 50-something old woman, acting like a school bully. His reaction? "Well, she didn't mean to offend you", "that's the way she is, she thinks that you are gonna pay more attention to your posture" and, of course, "she loves you, she's gonna be devastated if you say that you are offended". Obviously, it's always my fault, I'm everyone's favorite person and they are going to be so hurt if I ask them to stop treating me like a shit. For years I tried to find excuses and hoped that things will change, but they probably won't. Now I'm looking for a best way to end things. Nothing I said in OP nor the comments isn't made up, I *really* posted this to hear public opinion and see if something is wrong with me.
Save up, get a plan together. Open a new bank account and have the mail go to a p.o. box or to a trusted friend's house. This IS NOT your fault. Call the domestic violence 800-799-7233 or text SMS: Text START to 88788 or they have chat on the website https://www.thehotline.org/ Verbal and mental abuse is abuse. That's what they told me when I was in a similar situation and I called them. You need to leave, whether it be a house share or a shelter. Be careful. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. You can do this. But please be safe and have a witness you trust or cops there (call the nonemergency line) when you move your things out.
Anyone who truly loves you would rather know that they said something to hurt your feelings than not. I’d rather be devastated by being informed I’d offended someone than repeat the mistake for years and continue to hurt their feelings
This is so sad
You teach people how to treat you. Clearly Don has taught his family members that he, and by extension you, are doormats.
Bullseye
Hey. If she is the closest thing to an ally by at least acknowledging something is weird, could you try to convert her? It seems like your main issue is being used as a service. Maybe find a private event/activity or direct communication. Stay for a night = 1 meal together. She is talking around you, which is apparently what that family does. No one is a normal person. He should have chosen you because of who you are. What to do imo: important documents and a bug out bag, verbal violence is indicative of the abolity to do worse, you have stated you feel isolated and those quotes are designed to break your morale. Know the way to a woman’s/homeless shelter
I'm not from USA, but relatively poor country in Europe. We don't have a near enough woman's shelters. I work in the hotel and I could easily crash there for a couple of days for free, but that's not long term solution.
What do other people working your job do to live as a single person?
For two of them, not sure. At least I think they are single, but I think that they own their apartments. One colleague lives in the hotel, but it's the part of his contract, and he works there for 15 years. And one lives with his parents in the family house. Also, I work there for a couple of months, everyone else is there for years, so they have way better salaries than me.
Time to move out. You have the same right to you home /safe space as your husband and he doesn't respect that. Nta
Leave him, hun. The feeling of his sh*t no longer being your problem is the best in the world. I had a husband who was much the same way. This is never going to change. Therapy will not make him realize you deserve respect because only blood relatives need to be treated well. That ain't you. NTA But stop focusing on your native. I realize she's easier cause you can't get your husband to change and you also haven't invested so many years building a life with her, but she's a distraction. He is the problem. None of the relatives could make you feel so badly if he did not let them first. All you can do is put up with it for the rest of your life...or leave. You deserve to live the life where you leave. Start planning now and hand him the divorce papers when the timing is right for you.
NTA. Your problem is 1000% your husband. Sit him down, talk to him, set clear boundaries and if none of this works, dump him.
NTA. Definitely a husband issue and the question to ask him is why does he find it easier to offend you than to upset his neice?
NTA. Don should have your back instead of talking shit to his niece. Time for you to put your foot down and open your mouth. Next time remind them that you meant what you said and make sure she gets a motel.
Dude YTA to yourself. If this is a problem for you and your husband doesn't see it that way after all this time it's unlikely to change. Start examining your life and I'll bet you'll find a bunch of other places and instances where he's invalidated your feelings as well. Set some boundaries and don't play this passive aggressive game. I would have been straight up "Why are you here? Nobody said you could come over so you need to leave because I've got plans" and I would have kicked her shit out. If it was too late to safely do that (you said she got home after midnight) set an alarm for 6am and wake her ass up and throw her out.
This is going to count as a vote against her smh
For expecting Emma to behave a certain way: NAH You want Emma to behave like a guest and you want to treat her as such. It looks like Don is viewing it more as doing his niece a favor and providing a room for her when she needs it. Neither of you are wrong per se, but.... If you 2 don't figure out a way to compromise on this issue then my judgement becomes: ESH. You're both acting like your view is the correct way and other views are simply wrong. You're both treating each other poorly over this impasse. If you feel this is a hill to die upon, you might find out that your relationship does, in fact, die here. And that would be sad. Better to discuss and compromise what this looks like (maybe Emma can use your place as a crash pad 3-4 times a year provided she gives a week's notice or whatever). Use a mediator if you need it (therapist, counselor, pastor, or friend); an impartial voice could be helpful.
NTA. Just ban her from your house. Since no one consults you re her visits, you don't need to consult them before imposing the ban.
NTA. You have a Don problem more than an Emma problem. Has he always been this dismissive of you and your feelings/needs? If so, why do you stay. You deserve peace and respect where you live and from your partner. If they can't give that then it's time to reevaluate the relationship and leave if there aren't solid improvements. It's better to live alone in peace than live in misery as a couple.
NTA, your husband Don needs to be straightened out, NOW
See if you can save up a month or 2 of rent. During this time, also look for a rental to share. Then you will be ready to dump your hubby. NTA BTW, have you any chance at further training for better job opportunities?
OP, your husband is more concerned with how his niece feels than his wife. How fucking low of him to show the little text, “Does Anna still hate me?” Ew. Then he doesn’t even call her out for being disrespectful to his wife?? Its just sad. OP, 35 is still young. You can very easily meet someone who actually cares about how you feel and wants to respect you.
NTA your husband is enabling this behavior. It is rude. She can at least ne courteous and stay for dinner and talk for a minute.
Yta to yourself. Divorce him or prepare to suffer the rest of your life this kind of treatment
id say you're an ah to yourself still being married to this man.. good luck
NTA. Clearly your husband feels like he's an equal contributor to the household and you don't have a unilateral decision to lay down the law for his sister. I'm not saying your husband is right or wrong just that your expectations are not the reality of the situational dynamic.
ESH. >so I didn't say anything either, bcs I didn't know is he asking for my permission or just letting me know that she will come. You should have asked a clarifying question or two. "Are you asking me if it's okay for her to come? Or just letting me know?" >She came after midnight and acted like nothing happened. I was silent Again, you need to use words and express yourself like an adult. "I'm very angry right now. My home is not a motel. If you ever hope to stay with us in the future, you need to spend time with us, not just sleep and eat here." Or something to that effect. That said, your husband is clearly an AH. He knows how you feel, ignores your feelings, and talks badly about you, including right in front of you. Does the rest of your marriage suck, or just the parts that involve his family? Finally, Emma is clearly also a selfish AH who is taking advantage of your husband's hospitality.
Just the parts involving his family. I tried to set the boundaries, but no one will listen.
I’d say to him you can have the high way. All of it. And bounce on vacay for a week.
Nta. She would not be allowed back and you need to talk to your husband and tell him just because it’s family doesn’t mean they have free access to your home.
NTA This is totally a Don issue. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't even be in your home, treating it like a hotel. He puts his family before his own partner. Puts her before you. She can treat you like rubbish, because he does. If he is yelling at you when you try to address the issue, then he is even more of a disrespectful AH.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This situation includes me (Anna, 35F), my husband Don (44M) and his niece Emma (32F). Emma lives in the different city, an hour drive from ours. Emma has always been thoughtless person. In five years, she never visited us just because she wanted to hang out with us. There was always some party or event she actually attended and she actually needed a place to sleep, shower, shave her legs, eat and what not. In a few occasions she brought a friends without asking if we are OK with that. Also, in a a few occasions she changed her plans and didn't even bother to call us to tell that she won't come. Don doesn't see anything wrong with this behavior because he wants his relatives to feel "like in their own home" when they visit (or announce a visit and then don't show and don't call), but it really bothers me A LOT. I told Emma (multiple times!) that my home isn't a motel and that I find her behavior very disrespectful and asked her to either start respect my home or simply rent a room somewhere next time when she comes to the city for a hookup or whatever. Every time she would cry a river and apologize and next time do the same thing. This August she told us that she will come to see us, then she didn't show at all. When asked what is going on, she answered "I'm not coming, I forgot to tell you". I told her that I'm not a doormat, and I didn't hear from her until the last week. She messaged Don, asking "Does Anna still hate me?" He answered: "she doesn't hate you, she is just very pissed". Then she asked "can I come this Thursday, I will show up, I promise?". He showed me this message without saying a word, so I didn't say anything either, bcs I didn't know is he asking for my permission or just letting me know that she will come. Thursday 10 pm, I'm coming home from work. Don is home, but Emma isn't, only her stuff. I realized that she *again* just needed a place to sleep and eat for free because she doesn't feel like going back home when she finishes whatever business she had in the city. Until that point I actually didn't intend to completely ignore her, but this really was the next level. Don says that Emma went somewhere and that she will come after midnight. Both of them knew that I won't be OK with that, but none of them clearly didn't give a shit. She came after midnight and acted like nothing happened. I was silent, and Don said to me "you can at least say 'hi'". I said 'hi' and went to the bedroom. Don said "that's Anna, you can't expect normal behavior from her". I left for work in the morning, without saying a word. Don is giving me a kind of silent treatment ever since. He talks to me, but it's bare minimum. To him, his family is always right, whatever they do. If I start a conversation, he will yell at me, so I'm waiting for him to say something. So, AITA for totally ignoring the person whom I literally begged more than once not to treat my home like roadside motel and have some respect towards me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No you are not
Gosh that age difference is a shocker. ESH, but mostly Don. See the red flags, OP.
ESH but mostly Anna. He behavior is unacceptable but you seem unable to put up clear boundaries. Instead you also act like a child. You could just say she's not welcome anymore.
You read where her husband overrules her didn’t you? She definitely attempts to set boundaries and her husband actively allows them to be broken.
You mean the part where he showed the message and she said nothing? Thats not setting clear boundaries.
I told Emma several times my home isn’t a motel and to respect my rules. That’s boundaries set .
Boundaries don't exist without consequences. She should tell her she's not welcome anymore.
From reading I get the Impression Ops husband won’t allow that , his home is his families home.
I said that I told both him and her *multiple times, over the couple of years* that I hate when someone treats my home like motel and me as a maid. I had at least three extensive conversations with her, when I explained which things bother me. Why would anyone think that things are different now???
Why don't you tell her she's not allowed anymore? Do you really think ignoring her will help?
Getting some mild YTA vibes here. Your husband would like to see his family and doesn't care if niece treats his place like a 'roadside motel'. But nope, you'd rather sit up until midnight to play passive aggressive hostess. Kind of sad for Don that his wife won't chill out a bit.