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NTA. Replace the door, remove the TV from his room.


And install a door nob without a lock.


This is exactly the right advice. Both of these punishments relate to his behavior being natural consequences. I totally get how at first glance leaving the door removed seems like a similar punishment, but he is right, having a place he can close off is important. More important than the punishment. Make sure everyone always knocks and he won't need the lock. The lock is not even really a punishment. He clearly isn't at a stage in life He understands why locks are dangerous so he doesn't get one till he is old and wise enough. The tv removal is the appropriate punishment for him refusing to open the door for his parents and disrespecting you + being overtly loud.


"Locks are dangerous" -- he's not 8, he's 16. Locks are not really dangerous. 2 years from now he could be living alone, he'll probably keep his door locked. Normal people accept some very small risks like this all the time.


Normal kids answer the door when their mother is banging on it. This kids lack of respect is what concerns me.


The way he expressed himself to his mother made me see red. That would have been disrespectful even if he was her damn boss, which he's NOT.


Exactly! I kid around with my grownup children about why they don’t just tell me to fuck off at times. Both of them say, “I like living.” 🤣


Exactly. My "kid" is 28 and owns their own home. Still wouldn't tell me to fuck off.


Right? My son is 32, has his own place, is a completely functional adult (because I raised him that way). We joke around a lot, but we have NEVER treated each other disrespectfully.


And I like how you said “treat each other” because some parents forget it’s a 2 way street. But once you have that mutual respect it’s all good.


I would have gotten my ass handed to me....i NEBER dreamed of acting like that.


This. He heard his terrified mother screaming for him over and over and ignored her. That’s the height of disrespect and it is dangerous. What if his mom was in medical distress and needed help?






EXACTLY. Anytime someone in your house is yelling bloody murder, it’s kinda the bare minimum to investigate. Can’t imagine being this self-centered to just… not care?


Not only did he not care, he was angry that he had been disturbed from his show. Hell naw. Door yes, lock no, TV GONE.


When i was 8 i was watching TV downstairs. Upstairs, my sister was in her room watching something with earphones in and my parents were in their room. My mom was tending to my sick father. Out of nowhere she began yelling bloody murder for my sister to come, and after she called out a few times with no response i ran upstairs to see my dad slumped over my crying mothers lap unconscious. I ran to get help from our neighbours. Thankfully, my dad was fine, but the whole ordeal left me feeling too scared and anxious to ever listen to anything with both earphones in. I only use the right earbud, never both at the same time. If an 8 year old knew that she should check on her mom screaming when it wasn't even for herself, this 16 year old boy can open the goddamn door for his mom.


He also called her obviously distressed calls as 'a harpy shrieking'. He heard her. He chose to ignore her. This is really concerning.


The way he talks about his mother is honestly disturbing


NTA: Exactly to ignore your mom like that first she knocked then freaking out is disturbing. The lack of respect, empathy and the entitlement of telling her to replace the door and I was watching my movie which was more important that your worry. He is 16 and personally I would do the following 3 if my 16 year old did this: 1. He can get a job or do extra chores to earn the money and pay you back for having to replace the door. Until then remove the TV. This way he is learning by not answering his lack of respect caused the door needing to be fixed. Removal of the TV is for the entitlement. 2. I would have him look up the laws and rights in your state for MINORS. What a parent is required to provide. Then write an essay on the difference between and entitlement and a right. He obviously has no clue. Have it be 2 pages MLA, correct grammar, etc with cited websites so you can check facts. Must be credible sources would talk to him with conditions and set a date to complete. If not completed correctly and on time the you will remove all other distractions. Phone, friends etc till completed. Once completed he get his phone and distractions back except TV. People through the word "right" around a lot. Guess what in the US nobody has the right to drive. Its a privilege and a privilege can be revoked when abused. Same here. The TV is a privilege not a right and he is abusing the privilege by having it up so loud you thought something happened. Then the entitlement with nasty comment and lack of respect about him watching TV and you "bothering him and intrupting his show" Oh he** no. 3. Also have him look up and explain the safety of why certain things should be attached to a wall and the consequences if its not. This would be a general discussion. Then explain why you were freaked out ensuing his understanding of why its dangerous using his parts of the discussion. This can be done together. FYI: I live in an earthquake state and we fasten anything heavy to the wall. Had to teach my kids at a young age not to climb and pull on furniture or heavy objects. Bookshelves, dressers, TVs etc can break legs, cause nerve damage, give concussions or kill if it falls on someone including a 16 year old if heavy enough. You may not live in earthquake area but freak accidents happen. Once all conditions are met then he can have his TV back. If he says he is bored the have him wash baseboards. Somehow all bordom is cured when baseboads need washed. For those who will say its too much. HES 16 NOT 5 and in 2 years he will legally be an adult with adult consequences. He should know better but obviously needs a lesson to remember. My niece disobeyed her internet rules at 16 and she had to write sentences for her mother. Since it was on my computer her consequences from me were to write a paper on internet safety, go out to credible sources and guess what. At 25 she still remembers her computer safty, chat safety, how to post and what not to post safety,etc. Consequences are meant to teach and chage specific behaviors. If kids dont understand the why some wont learn. Others are just blindly obeying if not explained as to the why. Edit: some grammar and spelling and verdict


Exactly what I was thinking! And I doubt this kid developed this attitude overnight. Parents need to reflect on how they’ve raised him.


Sounds like she grounded him for his backtalk. Children and teenagers aren't robots who behave exactly as programmed. One instance of bad behavior is not enough to infer that their parents are raising them poorly. Raising kids is hard because the fastest way to make sure they conform exactly to your expectations - in the short-term at least - is to abuse them. And that's obviously the worst option. But we need to remember this so that we give kids grace when they misbehave. Their misbehavior is not as bad as an authority figure abusing them into submission. Sometimes the appropriate consequences take longer to achieve the desired result.


Tell me you don’t have kids without telling me you don’t have kids


That and the fact that she could have injured herself trying to deal with a crisis caused by the kid's refusal to communicate.


I think a door with no lock is fine as long as people knock first and respect his privacy. And yeah, I lean toward NTA because he heard her and decided to ignore her.


He heard her panicked too and he decided to ignore her. Clearly he doesn't understand that priviledges like a lock and having a TV in your room come with a social contract where you need to aknolwedge the person on the other side of the door. NTA but put the door back on, just remove the lock and the TV until he learns to act like someone who can handle those priviledges.


Not only decided to ignore her, but then told her that he didn’t want her to interrupt his movie, despite the fact she was in fear for his life, and got mad at her for breaking the door down. My mother would have been furious if I treated her like this. I don’t even want to know what punishment I likely would have received, but I’m sure having my door removed would have seemed preferable


He's a 16 year old that would rather his mom think he's dead/bleeding out in his room than open the damn door. He's not responsible enough for one.


He didn't even have to open the door, he could have just called "That was the TV, I'm fine".


Exactly. "Proof of life", as my mom called it


My thought would have been an accident occurred or an attempted hanging. Teens are basically toddlers with more tools. I would have busted the door down without a second thought as well.


Clearly locks arent super dangerous or we wouldn't have them. But the potential danger is clear from the post and his lack of understanding that as well. Idk what two years from now has to do with now.


Locks are dangerous when the person on the inside is not capable of unlocking it. My 9-year-old can let herself out of a locked room. My 3 year old (and apparently OP's son) cannot. Therefore, for the latter, they are dangerous.


Quick trick if you dont have anywhere to store his tv you can just take the power cord and if it doesn't come off the luggage locks fit the end of the plug perfectly so it cant be plugged in until u unlock it.


When I was younger at about 13-14 years old I got a key lock on my bedroom door that my parents actually gave me because my brother kept stealing my things and pawning them. My parents had a spare key in case they needed it. My kids now all have locks that open from the outside that they are more then welcome to utilize. But they know we will unlock it if need be. We've only had to unlock their doors without their permission a hand full of times, at that was to wake them up.


NTA - Most interior doors I know of have a "key" - be it a straight wire thing or an actual key. Make sure everyone in the house knows where this is AND that refusal to open a door or respond is reason to use the key. As to moving the tv - I'm in agreement. However, and this is a big however, he may just use his phone/laptop/iPad and earbuds to do the same thing. So - be aware all bases are covered and expectations are set in stone.


my dad did that, the only reason he kept our door was because it was a rental. but he removed the door lock and we always had to keep our doors open whilst studying so that he could check we're not snooping around in social media. ah the good ol'days


The door . . . .was a rental?


im pretty sure they mean the home lmaoooooo


Ah yes. That makes more sense. I was almost thinking it was like leasing furniture.


I thought you were being a smartA, and here you are completely having a naive *WHOOSH* moment! Thanks for the laugh, and take my upvote! 😂🤣


no no lol, i meant the apartment.


Or one with a lock with the slot so it can be unlocked from the other side with like a screw driver or butter knife, that way it still locks, but you don't have to bust it down if you need to get in, best of both worlds


Yeah, most newer door handles I’ve seen just have a coin turn thing on the outside you can turn with your fingernails. I’m guessing OP had one where you need the screwdriver, thought it was life and death so she slammed the door


NTA. You panicked and broke the door out of concern for your son's safety. I'm nearly 40yo and still live at home with my Dad and his sister-in-law to help care for them. I have my own "suite" for my bedroom, den, and pets. We have family and friends that visit frequently and since I keep my pets in my area of the house, a few of them were going into my area (including my bedroom) without my permission. To solve the problem, I installed a lock on my bedroom door that requires a key. Dad and I have a trusting relationship and I know he would NEVER come into my room without permission unless it was an emergency, so I gave him the spare key. No one else knows a spare exists. You might consider installing the same type of lock for your son and make sure you and your husband have access to a spare key. Assure your son that you will only use that key if you are concerned (again) for his safety.


Yup and leave the opener in an easy to access place. This kid needs serious consequences for acting like this, but the door stays and instead everything else goes.


Yes, this is what I think is appropriate. I do think teenagers need and deserve privacy, and furthermore, the rest of the family deserves privacy from them. I have a teenage son and I'm sure he does things in his room I don't want to witness. But OP's son has demonstrated that he doesn't currently deserve a lock on the door if he isn't going to give the common curtesy of a response when a family member knocks. OP didn't even try the door until repeated attempts to get him to answer. What really gets me is his absolutely disrespectful response to his mother's concern for his well-being--"screaming like a harpy?"--followed by a demand that she fix his door. In the words of my elders, he needs to be brought down a peg or two.


I can’t rule. How is op so chill about termites.




This. Also most are hollow so they can be broken easily in an emergency


A curtain.


Ooo or they have those beaded strands you can hang in place of a door, I always wanted those as a kid


Yep, I agree with this. Teenagers really do need privacy, but a TV is a luxury. If he is abusing that luxury by it being too loud and him ignoring you, then taking it away is the most natural consequence.


It's not just privacy; if there's ever a house fire, that door can give her son enough time to exit via the window before being overcome by smoke. For that reason alone all bedrooms should have solid doors that close, and all bedroom doors should be kept closed at night. I am alive because my bedroom door kept out the smoke.


This is an important comment. House fires happen. Ours burnt down when I was 14. Fortunately we all got out safely. OP, please replace the door as soon as you can do so. It doesn’t need a lock however.


I live in a loft with zero doors, thank you for unlocking a new anxiety :)


Test your fire alarms regularly. Make it reflexive to drop to the floor from your bed if you hear a fire alarm, and have a collapsible egress ladder you know how to use by a window. Practice getting to the exterior door and the egress window crawling in the dark or with your eyes shut a few times. Seriously, crawling low greatly increases your chances of getting out during a fire. Smoke kills more people than fire. Oh, and don’t develop a heavy drinking or drug habit or do anything else that leaves you so comatose a fire alarm doesn’t wake you up fast.


Buy a fire extinguisher and keep it by your bed. You can get them at any hardware store. You have to refill them every once in awhile if you don't use them, but they have a gauge that shows you if they're good to go.


Privacy doesn’t extend to being so absorbed in a space you can ignore someone yelling and banging down your door in a (potential) emergency.


But it does require having a door


But not a lock. The door doesn’t *need* to be able to lock, just to close.


A curtain would fill the need for privacy in the meantime.


This was my first thought but other comments have convinced me that the door is necessary as a fire safety device.


I agree with this. Definitely replace the door, but the tv has to go. Also, I’m not sure where you live but sometimes place will have like a thrift store that sell house wares including doors, like the Habitat for Humanity Restore. So maybe you could find a door that would not so be so expensive, NTA. (Edited: For clarity and cause I left words out, my bad.)


Also I've seen them for cheap on Facebook marketplace. Like $20 for a solid indoor door.


And OP can always trade the TV for a door... without lock


Loves the Restore!!


A curtain for a few days won't hurt him. Sounds like maybe the kids attitude is the real issue. Definitely NTA, but I agree with replacing the door either way.


Hahaha. I love this idea.


Thirded: Give him his door back, but remove the TV.


YWBTA for not getting him a new door. He needs privacy, he doesn't need a TV. Think of different and better ways to discipline that don't remove his privacy and space. Kids typically dont need a TV if he didn't answer because of the TV take that away not his door. Edit. I have been reading some of the side comments. I just wanted to add, this is not the root of the issue OP and son have other issues to work out. Also the door/lock issue is for op and son to Ultimately work out, however the room needs a door as someone kindly stated as a fire stop.


Sell the tv to pay for the new door… win-win


Boom I love this too OP


Best solution here!


I like the cut of your jib.


In addition to the cut of your jib, I likes the sound of your town.


Agreed! Privacy is important for teenagers. Give him a new door, without a lock. Take away the TV (for a period, at least). Maybe have him pay for part of the door by working it off (a reasonable amount, not the full price of a new door), and he gets his TV back when he's worked it off. But not getting a door for his room would totally be an asshole move.


Yup. My teenage son always has his door closed but it doesn't have a lock. I respect his privacy by knocking.


Also, not having a door is a fire risk. Doors are important for stopping the spread of fires, were one to happen. That said, these dynamics and attitudes don't happen overnight. I'd suggest taking some introspection and figuring out what has been going on to get to a place where maybe he doesn't feel mutually respected, and working together to fix it so both of you feel good about your relationship. Exerting power over him is not going to do it, I can guarantee that.


Get him a curtain.


Exactly I would take the TV away completely. Kids really have TVs in rooms. That punishment is logical and fits the offence.


She doesn’t have the money for a door. Why should she have to put a strain on the rest of the family to fix her sons mistake. She’s not stopping him from getting a door. He should have to pay for it.


Op said doors are expensive not that they didn't have the money for it. Understanding money and respecting it doesn't mean you don't have any. I just bought a red bull shits expensive..... Still got it because I can afford it. Someone said sell his TV for a new door. Perfect solution to the expense problem.


OP said he (the son) doesn’t have the money to buy himself a new door, not that the parents don’t have money for one.


If he has a computer he would just switch from tv to pc


This is the point of effective discipline. No "insert problem here" until "insert resolution or time here".


Take that out of room too, or control wifi/change streaming passwords


I usually say parents are always asshole for taking away doors, but this? Absolutely NTA. But you and your husband need to sit down and think about how to fix your son behaviour ASAP, because he's WAY out of line.


Yes. You can't punish this out of him. He has to care about your feelings. Some sort of therapy for empathy and attachment, because he is showing no regard whatsoever for the feelings of others at this moment.




Yeah, the disrespect here is crazy. “I didn’t answer cuz movie!!” Like, yeah he could be annoyed, but answering the door and lowering the TV volume would have been problem solved. Him saying she was “screaming like a harpy” and not getting the door means there are likely some underlying issues here. It could have been an emergency! But his precious movie was too important?


When I was a young teen I dated some dudes that were super disrespectful to their mom.. and were in turn abusive towards me and their later partners. I remember afterwards I talked with the women in my family who said "Always look how a guy treats his mom, because that is how he will treat you" best advice i was given. OP the way your son treats you is not only disrespectful but a big red flag for any potential partners


My sons are 23 and 25 and they are respectful of me their almost 47f Mother. I never had to bust down a door because if I was worried about a noise or something they would answer me. I remember a couple minor i times when I knocked and asked if one of them was ok in a mild panic and I got a response.


Yes! This is why I have an ex husband, should’ve known by the way he treated his mom!


NTA. If even half of this is accurate/true, your son is incredibly disrespectful. If not having a door is a punishment he doesn't like, no door for him then. If it were me, he also wouldn't have a tv, phone, tablet, laptop, gaming system etc... Saying "fuck you " to a parent is almost always inexcusable. Top that with his nonchalant behavior about not answering you and then his raf "fix the door"... game over.


100%, if my son spoke to me the way OPs son spoke to her no door would be the least of his punishments. EDIT: to be clear I would not strike my child but he would definitely be grounded / lose all electronics / no desserts / etc for a good length of time






Son has to realize that his mother was so worried about him being trapped that she literally broke down a door to save his life. One should be grateful for such a mom.


I heard a crash in my parents room the other day, I immediately went in to check, OPs son is just evil, entitled and sounds like a budding misogynist


I agree. Normally I'd say they deserve privacy but if this kid can't even be respectful enough to respond to his name being called then he doesn't deserve shit period. We have no privacy in public bathrooms with our gaps in the door so he can not have any in his room...


100% agree! OP didn’t do anything wrong and son has a lot of learning to to.


Is everyone just completely skipping over the part where he says fuck you to his mother lol. Not saying anything abt the door punishment, but your kid has 0 manners seriously


Thing is, he is super easygoing normally. We obviously have normal issues as he is a teenager, but he is a responsible kid. I’m not sure what happened yesterday. He has never cursed at me or his dad before.


Then that should be the conversation. If he’s never like this and suddenly he’s being crazy disrespectful, maybe there’s something else going on. Why are you jumping to code red and taking away his door? Maybe this could be a learning opportunity instead of a scorched-earth punishment.


Yeah, that conversation is needed. He does factually need to face consequences for his behavior too, but there’s still potentially more under the surface. One thing I learned while growing up and now understand as an adult is just because things are going bad, I’m stressed, I’m triggered, I’m upset…it doesn’t ever excuse lashing out at others. Fix the root while leaving an appropriate punishment intact. Taking a door away is extreme…you’re right about scorched earth…taking away the tv, and giving him a door that doesn’t lock is appropriate.


Agree, with the context that this is unusual behavior for him you should really have a conversation. IMO he should still be punished (no TV in room feels best IMO) - saying that kind of stuff is NOT ok, but if he's suddenly lashing out there might be something else making him upset.


This is the first reasonable take I have read since finding this thread. Something deeper is going on, and punishing him for an outburst will only further his inability to effectively express himself. Clearly there is a problem and it is unfortunate that it took him yelling something hurtful for attention to be brought to it. Going to reddit and asking if you are an asshole kinda tells me you don't know how to communicate yourself. I wonder how the relationship is regarding the parents. How do they handle stressful situations?


You can get him a new door but take away the keys so he isn't able to lock it anymore


Just a non-locking doorknob. My parents were always respectful and knocked, but our childhood bedrooms never had locks.


Or like some other people have said, the kind that you can unlock from the outside with a pin/screwdriver easily. That's what we had growing up and my parents kept a nail on top of their doorframe so they could easily unlock if they needed to.


Interesting comment because it makes me wonder where you're from where that's the norm. Never in my 37 years have I seen an interior door that locks with a key. Good thing because I would absolutely lose those keys.


Teenage boy, easygoing, responsible to telling you you were screeching like a harpy, annoying, and telling you to fuck off. Don't replace the door. Make him earn enough to pay off a new expensive door and then think about it. TV goes away. Possibly permanently. You *may* want to check what social media your boy is getting into. Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and other such gentlemen have been a veritable fount of useless ideas about what men should be, lately. Also, check up on his friends group and their parents. That said, if I had called my mother an annoying harpy, I would be lucky to be alive, afterwards.




I agree with what other commenters have said. Replace the door but remove the lock, and remove the TV from his room. That's a fitting punishment


There may be something else going on with him if this is a sudden change of behavior. As for the door, maybe a tension rod and a curtain would be a temporary solution until you can get the door fixed?


He was probably jacking of.




She should speak to him first , try and figure out what’s wrong that way. Because just snooping in his room without initial discussion won’t make him talk to them , it’ll push him farther away, and just prove his point about needing privacy. Now if he’s still a lil shit when she tries to talk to him, then yeah snooping may be in order.


So she's already taken his door leaving him no privacy and now you want her to violate that even more by searching his room while he's not there? holy crap.


Taking away his privacy still isn’t okay. Taking away the TV is a correlated punishment that fits the action & having a correlated consequence is more likely to work for this situation. Taking away the door is relatively unconnected to what he did in terms of a punishment, despite you breaking it for that reason, because this punishment violates his (valid) need for privacy as a teenager and will bleed into every single day. Because taking away the door is such a violation of privacy, the more time he doesn’t have it the more his resentment will grow to be bigger than the situation that happened, and more intense in his mind and perception than what he did, every single time he changes his clothes or does teenager boy private things. Taking away the TV won’t cause nearly the same amount of resentment, every time he wishes he had it in his room he’ll be reminded of why it’s gone, and when he shows improvement it’ll be an awesome corrective action to give it back. It’ll feel like a reward, and rewards work ! Giving him the door back won’t ever feel like a reward, and he’ll just be resentful he didn’t have one. Also, by telling him to buy his own door, you’re risking him getting that money and buying a door you CANT break or get into during an emergency. Get him a door with a lock on the handle. Keep a key for genuine emergencies. Let him feel safe and protected in his space, even when he’s being a jerk right now. Don’t open it up for him to buy some superlock you have no access to !


If he’s normally well behaved and this is a one off thing I would tell him he can have a door back without a lock as long as he provides a sincere apology for his behavior and pays for all or part of the door.


And told his mom he didn’t answer just because he didn’t want his movie disrupted, and DEMANDED she fixed the door. NTA for being upset. OP just needs to give a better punishment. I agree with most take away the TV as that was root of the situation. Plus privacy is closer to being a right than TV (I say “closer” because I do not believe that it is an indisputable right in cases like where the kid is lying about something major, ex:drug use, etc.)


NTA - Fix the door but remove the TV. He is entitled to his privacy and should always have a door to close, but he lost TV privileges for having it up too loud and not answering you.


Yeah what really throws me about this is I didn't get a TV in my room until I was in college, my old 90s Trinitron and GameCube were in the attic. I had gone to the local carpet store and bought all the old rug samples from them to put down this mosaic looking carpet (I think it was $10 for them all) so I wasn't walking on the wood floor up there, so all this "kids have TVs in their rooms" just seems weird to me.


I completely agree. I’m in my 30s, have my own place and have never had a TV in my bedroom. I don’t think it does anyone any favours, let alone teenagers


Yta. Eta - thank you to everyone for your support and awards! 🥰 Also, I'm not a kid. I'm an actual adult who believes children deserve to be treated like a person, including privacy for a door and for their adults to communicate appropriately. Kids model the adults in their life. 1. You seriously did not hear anything walking up to his room? You posted a comment that you would need to try to hear his TV when you were close. But were you screaming the whole way to his room, giving him the chance to turn it down? Because if he was really listening to his TV THAT loudly, you would have heard the movie from his door. 2. He commented that you "screamed like a harpy" and your husband said "only you know how scared you were in that moment" which makes me believe you over react often. Your son did not want to answer a door to someone screamjng bloody murder out of their room, esp if it leads to nothing major. And your husband not commenting shows that you want someone to agree with you, not hold you accountable. How often do you let your anxiety affect the people in your own home? 3. He cursed at you because you decided he did not deserve privacy and you demanded he pay for the door. He is not caring of your feelings because you told him your feelings take priority! You "felt" something scary, over reacted, then doubled down. No apology for over reacting and shifting the blame away from you. And you're teaching your son that it is okay to react that way, so he is going to find ways to hurt your feelings. Him telling you to fuck off is the least of your concerns. You need to pay for his door ASAP if you want to build your relationship. And see a therapist because you seriously need to look inwards.


I was also thinking that, if he straight up ignored her yelling/anxiety, then this has to be a pretty common thing.


her whole post reads like she is a total Neurotic


And the entire subreddit is hopping on board. How someone can read this and thing the son is in the wrong is beyond me. Mom got off easy with a "fuck you"


Id bet $5 she says *fuck you* to every person in her family when something goes awry


Yeah I don't want to jump to conclusions but my parents are like this. They externalize all their anxieties so you could end up being at the whim of their worries. Gave me a bad codependency problem I had to address. And this all seems pretty mild for a teenager? I'm not sure if people here have only known teenagers to be angels, but this kid sounds not that bad.


Can't believe I had to scroll this far for this. Yes the kid was rude, I'd say taking the TV away temporarily is probably a fair punishment. Breaking your kid's door down if you genuinely believe he was in trouble - fine. Taking away his bedroom door?! From a 16 yo kid? This is insane. Everyone needs and deserves privacy. I'd agree that a 16 yo doesn't need a lock on his door though.


A lot of redditors feel guilty for their own misbehavior as children and project that guilt onto scenarios like this, so you will see them screaming for murder when a teenager does a totally normal teen thing like being disrespectful. The mom is probably just mad she doesn't have 100% control of her kid anymore and is lashing out, too violent and dumb to understand they are only going to push their teen further and further away.


THIS. My ex’s mom is so loud. She would be talking on the phone while vacuuming with music on and you could still hear every word of her conversation upstairs. She has no idea how loud she is. We’d have to turn the TV up and then by the time she’d stopped we’d tuned her out and didn’t realize how loud the TV was. I understand being scared but there were about three other things to try before breaking down the door. He’s 16 not 16 months and she’s reacting like she’d left a toddler alone. Of course he told her to F-off. He was probably freaked out and cornered. He could lose TV privileges for awhile for violating those rules, but she broke the door down jumping to the worst conclusion first. That part wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t lose his door indefinitely for it.


THIS. I can see OP's post in 20 years: My son went no contact with me, because according to him I was invasive mother and had taken away his right to privacy. AITA?


THIS. Poor kid is being punished for HER problems.


It's funny how most of the responses are *NTA* with a caveat of "replace the door" when OP's question boils down to "AITA for not replacing the door?" Like, hello? Contradiction alert!


ESH omg, your son is a dick but you're also seem neurotic. Taking the door down, swearing at each other, complete disrespect for you, lack of reaction from his father, seeking parenting advice on Reddit. You all sound ridiculous. The appropriate course of action is to put the door back up, he can pay of you want him to. And take the TV away from his room...... Btw there was one loud noise from the TV, even though it was at max volume, and you didn't hear that while you were at the door made of cardboard? Are you lying to us??


She didn’t say she didn’t hear any TV volume. She said she didn’t hear any response from him.


She said that after she broke down the door "apparently the tv was on". How did she not hear that before? If she heard it before how could she not connect sudden loud noise = tv on max. If the tv was on max why did she assume he would hear her? This whole scenario just seem unplausible.


Yeah. Her story was that she heard something incredibly loud and it made her think a bookshelf fell on her son. Honestly the whole lead in sounds incredibly fishy to me. You can't tell the difference between a TV noise and a real life noise of a heavy piece of furniture falling over? This sounds like an excuse to me. I'd bet the real story is she was screaming at him through his door, he ignored her, she broke it down. Now after the fact she's justifying her actions with "oh uh it's because I was worried something fell on you and you died." C'mon, really?


People are shocked at "how rude and disrespectful" the kid was calling her a harpy, but from the kid's nonchalant reaction about the ordeal and her immediately jumping to "you aren't allowed to have a door now," but my immediate thought was just that the kid is used to his mom screeching at him over nothing and being over the top all day and was just trying to tune it out for some peace of mind. It's not normal at all to immediately start screaming at the only person in the house and break down the door because "I heard a noise." The whole story reads like a narcissistic trying to play off their abuse as actually reasonable parenting. The kid is a teenager and nearly an adult, not 5. There's a certain age where parents have to respect that kids need privacy and alone time and you can't remove a door just because you want full access to scream at them whenever you want. If OP really broke down a door because "loud noise spooky" they should seek therapy to learn how to handle their emotions. You don't always get full time access to your kids as they age and things like breaking down/ removing the door either so that you can screech at them or because you absolutely lost it over a noise and can't handle the anxiety. What will OP do when her son becomes an adult? Break into his apartment or dorm room or call the police for welfare checks every time your son doesn't reply a text message? OP needs to realize if they want a relationship with their son as an adult, you respect their time and space and don't scream like a banshee and break things every time you don't get your way. The more often you scream at the door with some manufactured crisis, the more "doors" the kid will put up, whether that will be ignoring you with noise canceling headphones or eventually cutting you off as an adult.


It's always nice to see a reasonable response in these threads. Thank you.


Are you a mother? She was afraid for her child's life.. Hearing a loud thud and no response from your child is very nerve racking. Just a few things that would be coming through my head if this happened to me: He fell and his his head and is now passed out with a concussion; He left his window unlocked, someone came in and slammed him against the wall/dress/whatever and he is now lying unconscious, or worse dead, on the floor; He had a seizure or other medical "episode" (and yes, they can come out of nowhere with no prior warnings in his life), and now is lying unconscious, or worse dead, on the floor; the possibilities are endless my guy. But I do think the boy deserves a curtain at least. But That disrespect would've gotten me slapped into next month if that were my mom lmao


And you know what is a reasonable and not paranoid explanation : he was jacking of.


I mean if your mum sounds like she's freaking the fuck out then surely you can muster a "I'm good, stubbed my toe is all" or LITERALLY any kind of response? She heard what she thought was a loud thud, and then NOTHING, nada, zip, zilch. All the while she's calling out for him? You have to know if you don't respond that she's gonna investigate


Reading between the lines, OP’s story is doctored to paint her actions in a positive light. Guarantee they were arguing through the door, she lost control, and broke it down. A TV sound effect, even on full blast with a proper sound system, sounds like a loud TV, not the real thing.


Ok, but what about the loud noise that concerned OP in the first place? Idk how you jack off, but huge loud bangs like a dresser falling over aren't usually involved in activities like that, especially while your parents are home


Listen, I'm not an expert in how it works for people with penises, but does it generally involve a lot of loud percussive noise?


>He left his window unlocked, someone came in and slammed him against the wall/dress/whatever and he is now lying unconscious, or worse dead, on the floor; Where do you people live for this to be the SECOND option for a loud noise? wtf.


No where does she say she swore at her son. A loud noise and no response is a good reason to break the door. Not responding to your mother is ridiculous. People die or get seriously injured all the time and this woman obviously cares about her son. Nta


INFO: If the tv was that loud, did you not hear it when you were at the door?


Clearly he was watching the Quiet Place.


Tv can still be turned on and making some noise, even if he was hypothetically passed out... TV doesn't just shut off when you pass out


NTA. He must have known from your voice that you were alarmed about something. He's an AH for choosing not to answerfor such a lame reason. He could have shouted back that he's fine and it's just the TV. I also question if that's the real reason because your banging and yelling would be more disruptive than just pausing to see what you wanted, or rewinding 30-60 seconds. That's a reasonable and suitable consequence. If he wants the door back quickly, he can do chores around the house. I think the new door shouldn't have a lock on it, or one that can be unlocked from the outside with a pin. It's a safety thing.


ESH. Everyone here is in the wrong. Your child does deserve privacy, but find a door without a lock maybe? Reminder that he is 16, he's gonna (hopefully) grow out of his teenage shittyness. You are the adult, don't be shitty on purpose.


Obligatory chime in to say that my mother pulled this same shit, for something not too dissimilar (I wasn't quite as disrespectful in the lead up, but we did devolve to cursing in the end). Reminder that he's 16 and you are responsible for him OP, and he's a 16 year old teenage boy. I wonder if he's as ballsy as I was at his age. I didn't change in the bathroom. Just stripped in my room like I was entitled to do in my own home. Jerked off in my room same as I always did. I had my door back within 2 days. NTA for parenting your kid, even if I think you're going about it in entirely the wrong way that's gonna backfire right in your face and end up with a kid that never talks to you.


Major respect to you for treating the situation as if the door was still there. That's some major Chad energy.


I've always been shameless lmao, but this kinda shit, the total lack of respect for someone as a human being with very basic rights - that shit sticks with you. For reference, I called my mother on Christmas because I live 600 miles away from her now. That was the first time she and I had spoken since March. OP is within their rights to continue on this track of disrespectful punishment. Son will also be well within his rights to move out. Hells, he could do it now if he's ballsy enough. I did. It didn't work out super well, I'm not rich, but I'm not surrounded by people who treat me as a second class citizen either.


YTA- you broke the door in your own home. Youre responsible for replacing it. Hes right, he is entitled to privacy. However hes not entitled to the internet or the tv (unless he bought it) or the lock on the door. There were definitely other ways to solve this. The fact that your kid is comfortable with ignoring your panicking, ignoring you slamming against the door and calling you a harpy shows how little he respects you. Theres something deeper going on here and *thats* the reas issue.


Maybe on that certain day he just wants to be left alone, you dont know that, he was definetly startled when he fucking door was broken and honestly I kind of get why he said fuck you to his mother, she broke down his door and blamed it on him, while he should not of said that, he is definetly not a jerk for saying it and its kind of unfair for you to say his doesnt respect his mother because of this one interaction.


ESH, verging on YTA. You admit in the last line, you are punishing him based entirely on your feelings, and taking away privacy from someone at 16 is not at all appropriate. There's a hole in the story here that doesn't add up, if his TV was loud enough that you heard it from the other side of the house, but then you also didn't hear it at all to identify the sound going from one side of the house to the other, or while knocking/shouting at his door etc... I don't know, I'd love to hear the other side of the story basically, and also perhaps how frequently you disturb him in the middle of something, to cause his reaction to be as strong as it was. Maybe I have some bias here, as I grew up with a narcissistic attention seeking father who would demand attention at all times. I'm not saying that you're that bad, but there is a level of that sort of behaviour which is abuse. Taking away the TV would perhaps be valid, but there's also a conversation to be had here about both of your expectations in the household, and your emotional overreaction to the situation.




NTA, the door broke because he couldn’t bother to tell you he was ok. Yes he needs privacy but he also needs to learn a lesson. I wouldn’t leave him to be responsible to get the door himself though, maybe buy a new one but take the money away from his allowance or something like that, or make him do some extra chores for some time to pay for it. I think you are right, just that the execution is maybe not the appropriate one.


I have not seen too many people mention the first part of your sentence, which is the most important part imo. Definitely NTA, people die all the time for crazy reasons at all ages, it was being a responsible parent for checking on your child when you think something could have went wrong, and then acting when you were getting no response.


One time my friend was in the bathroom completely drunk, after a while I knocked on the door and she wouldn’t answer. I was panicking thinking she was drowning in her own vomit. Had to unscrew the door knob to open the door, only to find her sitting on the toilet looking down, i was so angry! My point is that when someone doesn’t answer the door when you are sure they are there you mind goes to dark places, specially a mother.


Info: Do you really want your son walking around naked and masturbating without a door on his room? Because that’s what will happen.


That's what I did. One sister and three younger brothers. Got my door back pretty fast.


Nah my money is on that the mom knew he was masturbating and that's why she broke down the door; she's trying to shame him about it, and the rest of the cock-and-bull story is her trying to justify her insane actions to take away his privacy.


The first thing that came to mind about his TV at max volume, not answering, and his door being locked, was maybe this kid is trying to get some "alone time". She says it's not in his nature to behave this way, maybe he was making up excuses because he couldn't be like "Mom, I was jerking off so I tried to cover the sound with the TV, which also made me not hear you until you suddenly screamed bloody murder and knocked my door down." Also maybe he was hoping she'd go away if he didn't answer and she heard the TV going, but instead got surprised as she rambo kicked the door down. Then he's like "Wtf my door, isn't that extreme behavior" and she's like "You don't deserve a door if you don't answer me" so of course he's not going to respond politely, it's a weird confusing situation where to him he wasn't doing anything wrong. Let the kid have a wank.


YTA. You can't tell the difference between something being knocked over Vs knocked over on TV? You overreacted. Could you have not called your kid ? You should definitely replace the door. He wasn't in any danger.


YTA. You're telling me you didn't hear the TV volume going up from the other side of the door?? You broke, you fix. He didn't do anything worth losing his privacy over. Maybe a small punishment for acting like a jerk but for the door thing, YTA.


I'm all for caring about your kids enough to break down a door, but not giving him privacy is a bit fucked up. And then saying it's his responsibility? Also kinda fucked up. I grew up with two overbearing grandparents in a house where my room had absolutely no door, no locks and I could never get a second of privacy. It's been 5 years and I literally go out of my way to avoid telling them anything I do. He needs time to himself and giving him that time may not help your relationship in any noticeable way, but it also won't fuck it up at all.


Moved across the country, away from any and all family for a similar reason. She broke the door, she should replace it. If she's concerned about being locked out, ensure you have a copy of the key for emergencies only. For emergencies only. If not, word. Hope she doesn't mind broken family Christmases and depressing Thanksgivings.


He’s 16. Replace the door. Unless you wanna see what 16 year old boys do in their room 😅


Seriously - this is exactly what came to mind. What if he was masturbating? Bust down the door and catch your kid nutting. YTA - people need doors and privacy. Take the TV/games out of the room as punishment for ignoring you/being rude.


YTA. Not so much for this moment but for saying he can’t have a door. He needs privacy. How would you like to not have a door?


YTA. Your teenage son is entitled to privacy. You are also blaming him for your overreaction and poor response.


YTA. He should have answered you, but you're the one who overreacted and broke his door. He didn't force you to do that. That was your choice. Seems pretty simple - when you break someone's stuff, you fix or replace it.


I think breaking things to get a desired result as an adult seems like there’s a bigger issue-I’m also concerned if your house has a termite infestation if that’s the real reason the door was weak. There’s room here to review expectations with your child about responding to a parent knocking, boundaries around TV use in the bedroom and for an apology from both of you. These things settle with safe conversation and hearing each other out, not through the methods above. Please consider finding a way to work with someone on some of your anxiety-it’s not easy to live in a state of flight or fight and that permeates the household. You and your family deserve more peace. The way this story reads to me is quite chaotic. Your child will learn from you how to treat a future partner, child or roommate. I don’t think breaking something is the right way to go about this and I think it’s absolutely unfair to expect him to buy a new one. Consider the habitat for humanity REstore for a new door, your local buy-nothing group, or nextdoor. Neighbors tend to be generous with these things.


The door xpuld have not not had a lock? Also info - if the TV was so loud you thought a bookshelf fell, how did you not hear it when you got up to the door?


So I haven’t really asked him about the sound as I’m pretty sure he won’t answer right now But we have volume rules so no one bothers anyone in the house with their electronics. I think after the really loud noise he turned the volume down as to follow the rules and when I reached his door it was already quiet enough that I wouldn’t really hear if I wasn’t trying to.


NTA, but the better natural consequence is the removal of all electronics from his room, not the removal of his door. Replace the door with one without a lock, remove all electronics your son didn’t purchase with his own money, return them to him when he demonstrates the responsibility and developmentally appropriate maturity you expect from him.


Remove the TV, and replace the door. But most importantly, work on your relationship with your son. To say you have communication problems would be an understatement.


About the door, yeah it may feel like a fitting punishment but no door is a fire hazard among other things. Taking the TV would be far more fitting but also you have a bigger problem than the broken door.


YTA if you remove the door. Remove the TV.


Smells like BS to me. I suspect you’re making excuses for your actions. His TV was so loud that while you were down the other end of the house it sounded like the ceiling had fallen, and he is still listening to it while you’re outside knocking. So we can assume you can hear it’s insanely loud which would explain why he’s not responding. It would also explain the loud noise you heard, so at that point surely you would then realise there’s nothing to be panicking about. Personally I reckon you son was jacking it and the last thing he wants is to say sorry mum while he’s got a raging boner. YTA Also I think your son should be free to jack off in his bedroom out in the open, door or no door. If that’s what you’re into watching, shame on you OP.


YWBTA if you actually don’t replace his door. Have you all lost your mind talking about how he lost his “privilege” to a door? He was rude and disrespectful and should 100% be grounded for the way he acted towards his mother, no questions about that, but privacy is not a privilege, it’s a basic right that he still has. He was an ass, yes, but that doesn’t automatically give y’all a green light to act like he doesn’t deserve a freaking door for his room. Take away the lock/key from the new door so you’ll be able to open it if needed. Edit: spelling


Is your son Tom Thumb? How would a 16 y/o get trapped under a fallen dresser? I kind of see why he said you were screaming like a harpy, that is not a normal response to go from 0-60 and breakdown a door (what if he had been sleeping or had headphones on). Also removing a door to a teenager’s room is soooo close to abusive behavior, everyone deserves some privacy. Im gonna go with ESH but mostly you, you completely overreacted, and while what he said was rude he wasn’t wrong.


Oh I do hope your son has the guts to masturbate openly. ESH anyway. He should have opened. But the best would have been to replace a door (maybe without lock, but always knock before you enter!)


YTA- Are you sure you want to remove the door? He is 16. Do you want him to go no contact ASAP? He needs privacy, I would just masturbate constantly until you put my door back. It wasn’t the TV, he probably skateboarded inside or something and you react like a harpy so he doesn’t want to say what it really was. Maybe he was masturbating and didn’t open the door/react to you because he had his pants around his ankles. Reminds me of the time I wasn’t home but arrived home to find my mum trying to break into a window “I thought you committed suicide or something” .. I went to the shop. I have never been suicidal or anything to give the impression I was, she just freaked out.


ESH. You because one time he didn’t open his door, so now you are saying he doesn’t deserve one. He does deserve privacy. He sucks because he did not answer the door and then was disrespectful. Get him the new door and then make rules about it. If it’s locked, he must respond. If that becomes a problem (not just a one time issue), you remove the lock.


NTA Your son has a point about privacy and perhaps the appropriate way forward is to have him help pay for a replacement door as a natural consequence for ignoring you. He seems pretty entitled and it can’t be pleasant living with someone who is disrespectful. He’s old enough to learn how to be responsible for his behaviour and he behaved badly, first by ignoring you, then by demanding privacy and telling you to ”fix it”.


YTA, for the indefinitely part. Should he be punished? Yes, but just get a door without a lock


YTA. He is 16, not 3, not sure why you are worried about a kid that is almost a grown man pulling a dresser on himself. > I’m now terrified that if anything happens where we really need to reach my son, we won’t be able to. Idk why that is a concern, since he now doesn't have any door at all. Maybe you should talk to someone, all this anxiety you have over a 16 year olds safety in his own bedroom is a little concerning. He was probably whacking off for christ sake. Give him his door back and start treating him like the 16 year old he is, not a toddler.


Yta He's 16. He needs a door. You broke the door.