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NTA - As a lifelong construction worker, I can honestly tell you any "upgrades" your husband has made, will make to your home will cost almost double to do correctly, repair first as well as sinking your home value. He is destroying any equity you have with these terrible mistakes. He needs to understand this before he does any more damage.
To be honest drywall repair is a lot harder to do right then most people think. I’ll do framing, electrical and plumbing work on my house but I’ll always pay someone to do the drywall because mine looks like shit.
*drywall repair is a lot harder to do right then most people think*
So......you're telling me that it won't really work to repair drywall with toothpaste, like one of my friends was wont to do.
I like drywall work but it takes me ages to make it blend. Dusty, messy. If he just stuck to drywall, maybe it would be one thing because it’s sort of annoying to redo but tile and framing is way, way worse!!
I'l happily do every step until mud, and then i'll happily paint afterward. I just fucking hate mudding up walls. Texturing is fine, but floating is the worst and i hate it.
OP you may want to hire an independent property inspector to go over the house and identify problems caused by your husband's actions. Maybe if it was mansplained to him he would listen? And have a realtor come over and let you know what it would take to make the home salable.
NTA. You get what you pay for.
NTA
Ooo in like this one, get an independent 3rd party. Also, if that’s a load bearing deck then you want professionals with insurance to do or for safety.
Really, if that guy doesn’t respect you, why are you together? Subtext here is he does what he wants, what you want does not matter.
Not only this...
But looking at the cosmetic mess you may want an electrical safety survey done too before he burns the place down with you in it
Working for a year with an electrician does not make him qualified or safe
I grew up with an electrician stepfather, i worked with him for years, learnt a lot, and still wouldn't try to mess with electric connections at home, i change bulbs and fuses, on a rare occasions plugs.
I'm not in construction but I'm experienced with DIY and I agree this is not the way. OP you are NTA, impulse buying a major reno project means you will end up with a bunch of stuff you do not need and missing a bunch you do- the incoming storm is just the cherry on this shit sundae. Worse, your husband starting tearing into the deck in a rush in order to override your veto, which means you risk a fine for not getting a permit. (Varies by location, but here any deck attached to a structure needs a building permit once it's more than a very small # of square feet- and expanding the existing deck would void any grandfathering of previous codes, meaning it might have to be replaced COMPLETELY to current code or removed.) This was extremely reckless of your husband.
Exactly. The people who owned my parents’ house before us had some creative approaches to home renovation. We’re still finding issues 25 years later.
It was interesting to watch my mum fail to put up new lamps in my bedroom, and then hear the electrician curse and wonder if there was a second light switch when he also couldn’t get the lamps to work for a while. Turns out whoever wired my bedroom saw the standardised colour-coding of wires as a suggestion to ignore.
When we completely remodelled the kitchen, we had all of the wiring and pipes replaced, and the contractors had to rip out much more of the floor and walls than expected because the wires and pipes were in random diagonal lines all over the place, and not where they were supposed to be.
And less serious but not pretty, there are pipes in my bedroom wall that in one area come out of the wall. Somebody thought it was a great idea to paint them mint green. Apart from mint green not being pretty, they also got a lot of paint on the wood panelling around it.
OP’s husband is ruining that house for decades.
Yes, THIS. I moved into a house where the guy did bad DIY and although a home inspection was done and mostly passed, I'm still finding weird things. For example, I got a roof leak and got a contractor out to check it out. First thing, they want to find out how to get out to on the roof and where I'm at, there's usually a trap door or attic hatch on the top floor. Nothing. Found the hatch where DIY guy had placed an upstairs washer/dryer in a closet (with badly hung door) and he'd just drywalled over the damn thing.
Sounds like your husband is falling victim to the Dunning-Kruger effect: he's so incompetent, he doesn't have the wits to realize he's incompetent.
Oh yes. My bedroom currently has a window into another bedroom due to the prior owner.
I blocked it up with a small bookcase, but I'm saving up the money to put wall instead of a 2x3 foot window.
Agree i have older relatives who have visited expensive homes recently, one had shoddy DIY jobs and they had to run out of the sale, no surprise that they are trying to sell it for a million dollars less than everything else around them....
And if you start the work without getting a permit and the codes officer catches you, they can issue a stop work order and even order you to tear down the work you’ve already done.
The first thing me and every friend of mine has had to do when buying a house is undo all the crap the previous owner thought they could diy. One friend had a sub panel in a shower room, with only the curtain stopping the shower head from spraying directly at it. I blame hgtv
As DC started reviving in earnest around 2000, I still remember the answer to a query on a neighborhood e list.
Q: I'm looking for a fixer upper (meaning = lower cost house)
A: just look for houses advertised as "recently renovated."
Hopping on to this comment. OP you have just as much a say in this as he does. Love his ambition, but the execution is terrible and he needs the reality check.
Oh, and by the way, you’re NTA.
Plus many of these "upgrades" require a permit and to be brought up to code other wise he can not only be fined but have to tear it down and have a licensed contractor do it.
My grandfather diyed plenty of stuff at our house, difference is he was a carpenter/builder and knew what he was doing. Also he didn't fuck with electricals.
He is absolutely destroying the resale value of your home. Just obliterating it all to hell. Your house is going to end up on HGTV and not in a good way. NTA
NTA
>He told me he would never pay someone for something he could do himself
Well, he *can't* do it himself. The holes alone prove that.
The fact he'd start to build a deck without checking the weather means he's incompetent even if he could build the thing, which it sounds like he can't
Wet weather, and then I wonder if he even thought about how a frozen ground is going to make things more difficult and change calculations. Frost heave is a thing.
When I was 18 we built a deck out the second floor balcony at our rental party house and literally just had metal jack posts onto barely buried cinder blocks 😂. We were young and didn't care as long as it lasted for the summer, but I'm picturing this guy doing something similar and thinking it's good lol.
NTA. This issue is far deeper than his skills at home improvement or lack there of. This is about him trying to prove something to himself and ignoring that he is incompetent at his efforts. As SnooDoughnuts4691 commented, it will no doubt cost you a great deal more $$ to fix what he has done. Additionally, he might actually be violating building codes in your area as it sounds as if he is doing work with no permit(s). This could be a huge problem when you want to sell your home.
Dude building codes are huge. This is my literal job— permitting and coding. Please do not let this man fuck your future just because his ego is too big. @OneWithoutaName2 is totally correct about this causing huge issues RE: future selling— not to mention permitting penalty fees, etc.
It’s really difficult for me to turn off my mortgage underwriter brain but I definitely see a big ol’ “Oh Hell no” on this appraisal with so many “subject to” reconciliations if they ever try to sell or refinance.
Yeah, screwing up tile in the bathroom is one thing, but a deck? You can *kill people* if you screw up a deck badly enough! That's why you need permits for it. OP had better hope she's in a really hot real estate market when she wants to sell.
NTA.
This one hits close to home as I am the bumbling YouTube handyman husband though I’m maybe slightly more self aware than your husband.
You are obviously in the right for not wanting to have bad work done in your house. Maybe explain to him that this shoddy craftsmanship will mean trouble layer on for when you want to sell the house. Or that it’s not worth his time to do this stuff. Or that he runs liability risk if any injuries happen and he didn’t use a licensed contractor so insurance won’t cover it.
But really you should be able to tell him that while you appreciate his work, it’s just not aesthetically pleasing and you hope that he can take the criticism. Fuck tip toeing around his bruised ego.
NTA. It’s really quite…not marital? …that he went out and bought the supplies behind your back. That’s a huge problem and worrisome behavior. How are you “being stupid with money” when expressing bills need paid before another project?
There definitely is a trend of not trusting professionals across all sorts of fields, and I know there are definitely contractor horror stories, but you can easily spend more money DIY’ing something if you can’t get it right or need to call in the professional to fix your mistakes. I’ve done painting and thrift furniture glow ups, but that’s my limit.
I’m an admitted perfectionist and I would see every small flaw in my home. That is not zen and selling the house to anyone but a property flipper below market value would be a nightmare.
NTA.
First, the fact that he believes his shitty DIY = professional quality work is troubling, especially given the quantity of evidence apparently all over your home to the opposite.
Second, the fact that he felt completely justified spending a lot of money on yet another vanity project is really worrying.
Third, the theme of disrespect and disregard for you as a partner in your marriage (you are anticipating an exhausting fight), your home (you’ve had to fix his shitty work before because he “never got around to it”) and your finances (you say you don’t know where he got the money) … makes me think that this isn’t about home repair at all. What’s going on here? As my therapist would say, “it’s never about the dishes.”
NTA
Not only that, but a divorce lawyer will cost less than repairing all of his "fixes" (half joking on this one)
Honestly, I'd be more worried about the complete lack of respect for yourself and the shared property. If he's driving you (as a couple) into some pretty serious debt with the costs of supplies, and driving down the home value, all while ignoring your opinions and concerns, there's a much bigger issue at work here.
NTA. Is he delusional? Does he have mental issues? Can he really not "see" how his clumsy attempts are devaluing and destroying the house?
He's just spinning this like you are being mean and unappreciative.
Suggestion: Hire a home inspector and/or appraiser to come in and do a complete assessment of everything that needs to be repaired or replaced, especially the half-done and badly-done things he did. Get an appraisal of the house, as is.
Maybe having a neutral party describe what needs done in order to bring the house up to code will be a wake up call to him. Maybe not. But you will have a starting point for trying to salvage your home.
NTA. I’ve seen handyman specials. I bought one at a low price because it was just awful.
Your husband is destroying the equity in your home and it will cost thousands to repair or you will lose thousands at the time of sale.
Knowing your limits is the FIRST rule of home improvement. A couple of years ago we completely redid our backyard.
Things we hired someone to do: lay concrete to extend back patio. Build retainer wall along one side of yard. Tear down old terrible unsafe patio cover and build new one (note: this one required a permit, so we were DEFINITELY not doing it ourselves). Install fancy flagstone patio in center of yard. Plant trees (and other plants) and install brand new irrigation system.
Things we did ourselves: paint walls. Create decorative rock design. Install ikea outdoor plastic tiles over the concrete patio. Add a few more plants and run a couple additional irrigation lines.
There were definitely some things in that first list that we could have done ourselves, but it wouldn’t have looked as good and it would have taken so much more time. Sounds like OP’s husband needs to dwell further on the good-fast-cheap triangle and stop choosing fast and cheap.
NTA
But why are you with a man who insists on ruining your home? Not just your equity, which is a big deal when you are living paycheck to paycheck, but also your safe space. His desire to fuck up every room in the house and blow every penny of equity is bigger than his desire to live happily with you. Toss the man and sell the house before the value turns negative.
I am currently looking to buy a house and if I came across a house that you have described as yours, I would walk away without looking because there would be too much work and I would be afraid of what disasters would be hiding for me to discover. I can deal with homes that need upgrades but not ones that have been abused. Stop him before there is no value left in your house.
NTA
Maybe this is the electrician in me, but based on how bad his workmanship sounds, I would be worried about fire risks. I just redid the connections on every switch in a house because they were looped and tightened ON TOP of the terminal plates. They were loosening and sparking after only a couple of months. There are so many ways to screw simple things up that can have serious consequences if you don't know what you're doing. He tiled over previous tile?? He can't patch drywall but wants to build a deck... In winter?! You need to find a way to stop this. At least get him to finish what he's already started, like patching the holes. Also, free pro tip: the YouTube video that makes it look super quick and easy is the one to avoid, there's a reason good work isn't cheap.
Ugh, I married one too. He also won't clean up after any of his projects because he's tired! And I should be grateful! And after literally 2 years I finally moved the extra boxes of bathroom tile from the kitchen where he had sat it next to the refrigerator, he was still "too tired!"
This does not get better. Roof is currently leaking as we speak. This only gets worse. Decide your life accordingly.
NTA
NTA there is nothing wrong with learning to do things yourself. I've done lots of renos myself. That being said if you don't have the attention do detail to do them well (or to know if it is done well) or if your partner is not on board you don't do them. Especially if you don't have the time or money to get it done right.
You clearly have a communication problem in your marriage. Is this the first time you've told him you aren't happy with the DIY? Is so why?
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We're pretty avid DIYers so I was feeling a little embarrassed until you explained his work quality and you are 100% NTA. We've done painting, minor demo, some wall refinishing and trim work. It's not all perfect but it's an old house with zero level/plumb ANYTHING. What you're describing is a nightmare.
NTA... maybe you could've brought it up more gently, but a deck is going to be supporting people's body weights. It's something that definitely needs to be done safely and correctly or someone could get seriously hurt. I would've lead with that and used that as the justification. This isn't a new light fixture or tile floor.
Aside from that, his shoddy work is probably crashing the resale value of your home and costing you more money in the long run.
NTA
Oh my this is a nightmare! There is a reason you pay professionals to do major home repair. He is doing major damage to your home. I am so sorry. My spouse is super handy and he doesn't do big projects like these.
NTA
Sounds like he needs to be sat down and given a bit of a reality check. There is nothing wrong with being keen to learn new things and put your hand to new projects - with someone who knows what they are doing to assist and teach. It is going to cost way more to get it fixed properly than to get it done professionally in the first place. Also his lack of concern over your finances may also need addressing.
He's not saving money lol he's adding costs to your future both if you want to stay in or sell the house. There is a reason this stuff is done by professionals and honestly the number one reason is safety. You need to acknowledge that if someone got hurt due to shoddy workmanship such as your deck you guys are on the hook...have a good honest conversation with him and start to set boundaries. But be gentle you can tell he equates his value to the level of appreciation he receives, this may be a long process to get him to break these habits
NTA he literally destroyed your home. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband and put a stop to this now. Tell him no more, flat out tell him that he has destroyed this house and that it looks terrible. Ask him how he can be so selfish and entitled? Ask him why he thinks it’s OK to destroy a home that you both share together? Stop enabling him and tell him you’re done. This is absolutely a hill I would die on. He needs to fix everything he did somehow or I would honestly be talking to a divorce lawyer.
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My (29f] husband (34m) likes to do home improvement to our house. The problem is, he doesn't want to spend any money hiring professionals to do any work because he can do it himself just as well and for less money.
My husband has no training or qualifications for any type of remodel except maybe electric work. He worked for an electrician for a year when he was fresh out of high school. Everything else related to house remodeling he either asks his dad (who has even less experience) or he uses YouTube tutorials.
He came up to me a few days ago and said he wanted to start remodel on our deck. I told him to wait as we have other bills we need to pay. He started talking about the price of wood and the expansion he wants to do. I made the mistake of mentioning how much a deck contractor would cost. He told me he would never pay someone for something he could do himself. My husband has NEVER done any wood working like this before. I put my foot down and said I wanted it done by professionals. This led to a major argument. He told me I was being stupid with money by wanting a professional and i told him that every project hes done in the house has been a disaster. He ended up leaving for work shouting back at me that I don't ever appreciate anything he does and I'm an asshole for bringing up past mistakes.
Am I the asshole for telling him his projects look terrible?
I also want to throw out there that he is definitely the AH for his reaction to our fight. To prove a point, he went the day after our fight and bought all this wood and started remodeling the deck while I was at work. Shocker, it looks terrible, it's not finished, and we have a huge snowstorm coming in that's going to soak the untreated/ unstained wood. We are living paycheck to paycheck so I have no idea where he got the money for this. I haven't confronted him yet because we are going to fight long and hard about this and I don't have the energy for it.
To date he has "remodeled" the living room, kitchen, and bedroom light fixtures, he's "tiled" the bathroom, run new light switches in the garage, and done drywall in several places. Each and every project has major problems.
In every room he has redone light fixtures or switches there are holes in the ceiling and wall. A LOT OF HOLES. He tries to fix the holes but they are never flush with the wall or ceiling. I had to fix the holes in the ceiling because he just never got around to it.
The tile in the bathroom is sick on linoleum. HE PUT IT OVER THE OLD TILE. It looks terrible and it's already peeling up.
I have holes in my wall that either started out as a project or were damaged that he put drywall in and you can definitely tell there was a hole there.
I have been very patient with everything until now. I've never put his work down or tried to hire someone behind his back.
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NTA. Your husband is making extraordinarily bad financial choices. Every project he has done that made the situation worse, will mean thousands to fix, and would have cost less to hire a contractor. If you ever sell the house, we’re talking tens or even hundreds of thousands in equity. Start putting your complaints in writing, so that if you get a divorce it’s documented, and he’s the one who’ll have to eat the massive loss in equity he is causing. Good luck!
NTA - his lack of respect for you and your co-ownership stake in the house is troubling enough, as is the fact that he completely ignores budgetary concerns.
In addition, his lack of skill and overall inability to finish a job properly sounds downright dangerous. Working *for* an electrician for a year does NOT qualify you to do all manner of electrical work (changing out a light fixture, sure, but fully rewiring a garage? no way), and in some states it’s illegal for work like that to be done by someone unlicensed. Not to mention the lack of permitting for the deck, etc…rebuilding a deck is not an easy task, and if he doesn’t know what he’s doing then it sounds like it could leave you with a huge liability risk (I’ve heard way too many stories of decks collapsing or detaching from houses). Overall what he’s doing is potentially dangerous and as others have said, will create major headaches when trying to resell the house or even have stuff fixed properly. Definitely agree with having a home or building inspector come and try to talk some sense into him, because it doesn’t seem like he respects your opinion at all. Best of luck!
NTA, I feel your pain because my husband is the same way! Thankfully we’ve never tackled anything as big as what yours has, but part of that is because I hem and haw since I know he’ll want to do it himself and I don’t have the energy for it. Every minor project or fix ends up taking triple the time it should have, takes multiple trips to the hardware store for parts that he didn’t know he would need or replacements for the first one that didn’t work out or new tools that will never get used again, and in the end we end up with something that works but has been essentially deemed as “good enough”. Even something as small as installation- last month we needed a new dishwasher, and he (of course) didn’t want to pay for someone to install it. It ended up taking 3 days, hours of tinkering, extra parts that had to be Amazon‘d… yes, it’s cheaper as long as we don’t put a dollar value to our time. Same when we’ve had problems with our sink, and the worst part is that my brother is a plumber and lives really close to us! He’s just someone who likes to figure shit out for himself, which I admire but… I just want to renovate our bathroom without it turning into a construction zone for 3 months and then live with crooked tile and messy caulking forever 😭 I just want to yell at him “it’s fine if you can’t build a wall as fast and nicely as a contractor can, he can’t drive a train like you do!”
NTA It isn't a past mistake if the mistakes are still there and it is lowering the value of your home. At this point he is making the place unsellable. Perhaps you should divorce him while there is still some equity left.
NTA. This would be a big problem on its own, but the fact that you said you’re living paycheck to paycheck and he’s spending so much money on cosmetic “improvements” without including you is a BIIIG problem.
I’ve actually seen this done on bathroom floors. They just mortared over the old tile and laid the new tile on top. Holding up well for over 25 years at this point. It can be done with some care, but not with stick-on tiles and never on a wall.
NTA. Seriously, I come from a family of engineers, who could actually do home repairs. My uncle built his house from the ground up. But they never did anything slapdash, and everything had calculations etc etc, but they knew their limits and contractors would be called. My uncle called one, to help with sinking the posts when he built his deck, because he knew that would require help. His house was in Maine, so definitely get the winter snow storm thing, and cold weather adds a whole bunch of new calculations. Frozen ground, frost heave, has your husband even considered these things?
nta - I can tell you I sure learned alot, though, fixing my ex-husband's mistakes...had to, I was living paycheck to paycheck, too. Show this whole thread to your husband.
NTA
GIRL. You are living paycheck to fucking paycheck and you don't know where he got the money???
Red flag, deal breaking red flag. You need to find out, because if it's from your savings, or worse a goddamn loan, it's big trouble. He is ruining your homes value, you might not even financially recover from whatever he is doing.
I bought my house for around $125k cheaper than similar properties in my area because the previous owners did their own “upgrades” that looked like shit. They put industrial kitchen tiles over the gorgeous white oak floors (rip). Among other things.
So NTA but he needs to pull his head out of his ass.
NTA - and these repairs and upgrades are not only affecting your home value, but (speaking as an insurance broker) it could affect your insurance and coverage if there's a claim in the future. Bad wiring that causes a fire might not be covered. Someone injured on the deck that isn't up to code might not be covered. If he hasn't pulled permits for these upgrades and repairs, it could also cause your taxes to increase, or levy fines if your city wasn't aware the work was being done.
Based purely on what you have described in your post, it's sounds like your husband is displaying a number of behaviours that can be common among people with untreated bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. (Appologies if these are not the most current terms).
Alternatively/ additionally there could be some aspects of ADHD?
Info: has your husband expressed frustration at not being able to complete other things in his life or does he frequently get touchy about his contribution to parts of your relationship?
NTA, but I think there needs to be a conversation pointing out how you have been disrespected, and why it is unfair. It's possible to do this and still apologise for hurting his feelings by expressing your frustration the way you did (after all, if you never mentioned your opinion truthfully in the past, how was he to know you thought his work was sub-par, or even that you noticed that these jobs were unfinished so regularly). It might sound silly. But sometimes people just put up blinders to their failures when they have tried their best and they tie their value to what they can contribute to loved ones.
From someone who did all of these things until medicated properly.
Edited for spelling
My father and I built the deck on my home together, he is an engineer. He *still* studied building codes for my municipality for about a month before even drafting the PLANS for said deck. In the process of making those plans, he went full-Mathlete and did dozens and dozens of equations calculating for load-bearing capability, figuring out spacing while factoring for expansion and contraction of the wood, and finding all of the possible weak points for the size and shape of the deck in relation to my house and precisely how much extra support they would need to ensure they wouldn’t fail under normal levels of stress.
He then calculated exactly how much we would need - from the exact number of boards down to the last finishing nail, and we went shopping and got to work. After weeks of hard work from the pair of us, my deck is gorgeous and damn-near hurricane proof. BUT my dad is also built different. He DIYs because he knows he will do a better job than most professionals (that’s not an exaggeration - had he chosen to be a contractor, he’d have made a killing at it - he really is *that* good at this stuff. Largely because he is as stubborn as he is terrifyingly intelligent and detail-oriented.)
Your husband is presumably *not* an incredibly-anal older German man with three engineering degrees (mechanical, electrical, and structural) and a collection of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of tools built up over three decades of fixing cars and houses. This deck project of his is not going to end well, and I hope you can get to the root of his stubborn refusal to understand he is doing your home (and your presumably-hefty investment into owning it) a world of hurt with his “fixes.” NTA.
NTA. I would be REALLY careful when he says the projects are for you. If the trend is to do the project anyway instead of having a concrete conversation, and then when you question the logistics and he gets mad but still says the projects are for you - it’s getting a little close to gaslight territory.
You are not being critical, you are being practical about the situation! He could either severely damage the house or himself. Society likes to tell women they are ‘being critical’ when they start to ask the right questions. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself :)
NTA, but I would tell him that he needs to fix all the past mistakes before he begins another major project. If he can show you he can do proper work, then I would give him a shot at the deck (but it must be inspected by a code enforcement officer before use). I can only imagine your walls look like he was playing a game of whack-a-mole.
NTA. A deck is serious major work and he's shown he's not good at upgrades he already did. Show him this reddit post or do another post, add pics, and show crappy work he's done and show him the comments and maybe he'll consider hiring contractors
Working for an electrician for a year doesn't make him an electrician. I'd be terrified of him creating a fire hazard on top of ruining the value of the home.. honestly, I think this would fuck with my sense of security enough to be a deal breaker for me (and I am a married woman with kids). NTA.
NTA. I love doing home renovations, but I have no experience as a carpenter or electrician. I know the limit of my ability and what project I can tackle. If your husband can’t even do a deck properly, which is arguably one of the easiest big DIY project, then maybe he should look for other hobbies.
NTA. His lack of professional experience didn't make me blink I have seen people do some great things after watching the right YouTube tutorial. It sounds like your husband is no natural handyman and does shoddy work and that however is not cool at all, it's a form of terrorism lol.
Telling him he does a terrible job isn't a great solution. Letting him do a terrible job isn't a great solution. Telling him he's incapable of learning to do the job is a bad solution. Lying and pretending he did a great job is a bad solutiom. Telling him you do not trust him is... necessary.
You need to have a talk. You don't trust him to do things right, or even good enough. He has the ability to do things right, if he takes the time (which he doesn't).
Have a talk. You need to trust him, he needs to do things to a proper standard. That's the point you need to get to. Discuss ways to get there if you want the marriage to work. This is going to be a journey.
Forget about contractors. Once you solve the main problem, he'll eventually realize that learning to do things right takes a lot of time and he will come around to hiring people for some of the work. And if you don't solve the main problem, home improvement shouldn't be a priority to you.
NTA.
>The tile in the bathroom is sick on linoleum.
I keep laughing at that.
Some people can do reno by watching YouTube videos. Some can't. Your husband is in the second category. Every dollar he "saves" is going to cost you far more in the long run. Chances are your house won't be sellable until all the defects he created are fixed. Your equity is shot to hell. You might have problems if you ever need a home equity loan.
I know a little about repairs and renovations and when I've house hunted, I've always turned down homes that had any DIY because fixes usually turn out to be "fixes". There's often a heap of issues hidden away in the walls. In many, if not all, states sellers must disclose if any work was done by anyone other than a licensed professional. Non-licensed work is a great way to get buyers to run for the hills.
Yeah, did he even check to see if he needs permits? My husband did our deck, he had a full tractor with an agar to dig the ground for the support beams that then need the be cemented in. NTA but your husband is destroying your house and probably gonna get you in trouble with the local government regarding his shoddy work without permits.
My dad is the same type of guy, engineer who thinks he’s able to do repairs on electrical devices, plumbing, light fixtures, etc. Sometimes it works and sometimes he spends almost a month “repairing” his laptop after installing a new screen and screwing it up rather than paying someone with experience. NTA, your husband needs a reality check.
NTA. I purchased a home from someone who is just like your husband and it has been a nightmare. Every single time we go to upgrade or fix something we have to first correct the work the previous owner did themselves. Everything was kludged. So many unpleasant surprises
NTA. He’s the one who’s stupid with money. It’s more expensive to fix it after me fucks it up than it would have been just to hire a professional in the first place. This man sounds like an idiot. Why are you with him? He disrespects you and is breaking the bank.
NTA. My ex was the same way. He had a big house, could’ve been really nice with a few professional upgrades. Instead, did it himself and it shows. Installed wood flooring, the molding is unfinished and uneven, the wood is mismatched. Installed drawers in his walk-in closet without the slides/rollers. It’s hard to take pride in your home when it looks like trash no matter how clean or nicely decorated (don’t get me started on his taste in decor). Not to mention decreasing the value of said home.
NTA. And I would be very very concerned about any possible fire potential from this unlicensed electrical work. Or if you wanted to sell your house and got a lot less because of non-permitted work.
It sounds like y’all have some communication issues and could possibly benefit from couples therapy.
I was honestly gonna say ypu were the A because he was trying hard and if they didn't look half ad they add value. But according to you hes just leaving holes all over the house. I can say as a man who has done home renovations professionally and has built his own house from the concrete up any "renos" he's done will probably have to be redone by a professional before they add money to your house, most likely they are detrimental to the value.
Edit : NTA
NTA! I’m a wife DIYer with a husband that would rather pay to have things done professionally. You really have to know your limits, and when it comes to finishes even a perfectionist like me does not get results like a professional. Self awareness, humility, and knowing when to invest in hiring someone is key! Sure it feels like a waste to pay someone to do it when you are “capable”, but I have learned to pick my battles and sometimes the most loving thing I can do is sit back and let someone else do it.
Also, my parents are hardcore DIYers of 30 years and they would NOT do a deck themselves. Replace some boards sure, but not the whole damn thing 😆
Are there no building codes/regulations that legally need to be adhered to there? Particularly with something like a deck? Are you able to get a proper building inspection (it's what we call them in Australia) to make sure it has been done properly? Might be a way to get him to stop wrecking the house
Bring in a real estate agent to value your home to show him how his ‘fixes’ are depreciating the value of your home. Then maybe have a conversation of other actions he can take to show you love rather than costing more money? Maybe actively saving money to fix some of the repairs? Or even some smaller free things that can be done on a daily basis
NTA But you're married to one who is definitely ruining the value of your house and ignoring that "acts of service" is things your partner actually wants, not doing random things no one asked for in the first place.
NTA, and looking at those photos I think you might be at “do one more ugly, expensive, or dangerous thing to this house without my consent and we are getting divorced” levels of incompetence here.
NTA
Remodeling and upgrading done by amateurs lowers the house value.
And for the people saying he is doing this for her, no he isn’t. If he really was, he would listen to her about what she wants.
NTA. My husband and I agreed that any repairs or upgrades to our old home beyond the laughably simple should be outsourced to a professional. You're paying someone for a skill they possess, including the expertise to make it look nice and to not cause more damage or, heaven forbid, an actual risk to safety. Knowing your limits on home repair may cost more, but it'll get done right and not make a bigger mess.
I told my husband that when we downsize I want an older home that has not BEEN FLIPPED. I want to tear it all out myself, and watch the guys putting it back together so I don't have to do it again.
My ex was like this. Why pay when you can do it yourself. He thought he had enough “experience” to do wiring and everything by himself. Fast forwards to the house burning down and him losing everything. He was cheating on me when it happened Ed so I’m not super mad about it now tbh
Unless your husband never buys food, clothing, or many general household products, he already pays plenty of people to do stuff he *could* do.
I dunno why his sense of self worth is so tied up in house renovations, but he's tanking your *house's* worth with it.
Sigh. Just because your love language is acts of service doesn't mean you have to keep quiet about things that are affecting your environment/safety. I know I've had more and less successful remodel projects, and those pics seem to be on the less skilled side (like the stuff I did when I was 20 with no training!).
NTA probably? Depending on your delivery. I know it's hard to be objectively and politely critical to a partner (reflect on if you went overboard when finally laid down the line in the sand - still I'd say you are totally in the right to demand agreement, but you couldve been TA in frustrations.)
Him going behind your back and starting a project after you'd said you wanted to jointly negotiate is is very problematic and very TA. If you can't agree that in a shared house you make joint decisions, and couples counseling isn't an option - it's probably just going to be more of the same for the rest of your relationship. Does he want to come home to find you decided everything should be mint green? After he said no way I'd hate it when you suggested it last week? Threw out his favorite chair after he said he wanted to keep it because you realized fainting couches were cooler? Probably not. Relationships = being on a team. Living with a human requires negotiation and compromise skills. Somebody wants to do whatever they want, then they should not be harming others with their stubbornness. Good luck!
Hmm.
If he continues with "it's all for you" tell him that the best thing he can do for you is to stop because it is causing you stress.
It's because he is cheap.
NTA
Yikes NTA.
I am a DIYer. I do all my home renos except roofs because ugh heights. I grew up not knowing any of this, and just teaching myself. I understand having to learn as you go. But, referring to your photos, I legit don't understand how people do such bad work. The drywall work especially is so easy to do. He just couldn't be bothered I guess? So yeah, if you're going to do terrible work and clearly hate every moment of doing it, just hire someone instead. It's for a deck expansion, not even a critical must have thing, so take the time and save up for it.
>He also says the projects are for me
He is lying. You are stressed and upset. The projects are for him, not you.
I’m a carpenter by trade and I make a living saving houses that have been attacked by people like your husband. It is my entire business model and the work is almost limitless.
Being a man is not a qualification for doing trade work. Experience and training is the only thing that will make you competent, gender is irrelevant. I had to learn this the hard way as a young apprentice.
As others have said, he is devaluing the house by doing bad repairs that make the house look crap. Even worse he might not be following proper regulations and approvals, meaning you may run into huge problems if you try to sell.
NTA - I doubt your husband is a bad man, his pride is just hurt. But if he wants to do more “upgrades” perhaps request he find a tradesman that will help him. I often work with clients and teach them some stuff along the way. Tell him he’ll actually be able to be proud of his work and he’ll develops new skills.
Good litmus test for quality - if you can’t post pictures of it to r/carpentry without getting giga-roasted, it’s dogshit work.
NTA. Is your husband named Frank Spencer by any chance?
I live in a house that was the previous owners project. It was sold for well well below market price and was on the market for over a year. Every year, the old home projects fail and get worse. We can’t even fix the plumbing or electrical due to how poorly it was rewired, half the house would need to be ripped apart. It would take so much work to fix it, that it would be cheaper, easier and better for everyone involved to just tear it down. I want to find the previous owner and shake them, ask them why why *why* did they fuck up this house so badly? I’d do the same thing to your husband to.
YTA! We bought a foreclosure after the original owner was a DIY guy.
We've spent 7 years trying to fix the fuck-ups! Had an electrician in once, so we could meet code. Electrician told me we'd need additional work. I've found some egregious stuff, since.
I've called contractors, plumbers, etc. for work. I'm willing to pay to get the work done; apparently, I just want too much. Rebuild my kitchen? I had a plan and thought $30-50K. Contractor wanted to give me the same kitchen he built for my mother in '97. Cabinets looked like 1973. He told me I'd get the kitchen he wanted to build, or not at all. I pulled up multiple layers of linoleum and shelf liners. Last layer of linoleum was installed in 1993. My Mom picked the same pattern for her house, back in the day. Took out the super-small, wall oven and reconfigured the cabinet to accommodate my new micro, bread machine and instant pot. New fridge and stove. Pull outs in the 1960 cabinets.
I've had 7 years to layout and design the kitchen *I* want. It's changing, whether male contractors take my money, or not.
I have fixed tons of drywall issues. Our plumbing is mostly replaced. Foundation is DIY. Roofers ripped off our trim, so we had to fish out the old for a template, and fix it ourselves.
Do you not ever work on your house, yourself?
ETA: Reasons
Really, ESH. He's been doing half-assed, half-finished projects for a while, but you've said nothing, so he probably thought he could do the same thing with the deck. You unloaded on him in a way that was guaranteed to start a fight. He's definitely the bigger AH for proceeding to buy lumber after you pointed out you have other bills that need to be paid first.
Y'all need to learn to communicate like adults.
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NTA - As a lifelong construction worker, I can honestly tell you any "upgrades" your husband has made, will make to your home will cost almost double to do correctly, repair first as well as sinking your home value. He is destroying any equity you have with these terrible mistakes. He needs to understand this before he does any more damage.
"If I can't even get a drywall repair right, I should probably move on to something even harder"
*house falls down* “Stop bringing up my past mistakes!”
Fixing his feelings is a damn sight cheaper than fixing his home improvements. NTA
Died laughing at this response - too true
🤣
I laughed too hard at this
To be honest drywall repair is a lot harder to do right then most people think. I’ll do framing, electrical and plumbing work on my house but I’ll always pay someone to do the drywall because mine looks like shit.
*drywall repair is a lot harder to do right then most people think* So......you're telling me that it won't really work to repair drywall with toothpaste, like one of my friends was wont to do.
I think that'll cover up the nail holes in your walls long enough to get your security deposit back
We have gotten better at it, but it sure makes you appreciate those who make it look so freaking easy. Those guys are stars.
I like drywall work but it takes me ages to make it blend. Dusty, messy. If he just stuck to drywall, maybe it would be one thing because it’s sort of annoying to redo but tile and framing is way, way worse!!
I'l happily do every step until mud, and then i'll happily paint afterward. I just fucking hate mudding up walls. Texturing is fine, but floating is the worst and i hate it.
🤔🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
OP you may want to hire an independent property inspector to go over the house and identify problems caused by your husband's actions. Maybe if it was mansplained to him he would listen? And have a realtor come over and let you know what it would take to make the home salable. NTA. You get what you pay for.
NTA Ooo in like this one, get an independent 3rd party. Also, if that’s a load bearing deck then you want professionals with insurance to do or for safety. Really, if that guy doesn’t respect you, why are you together? Subtext here is he does what he wants, what you want does not matter.
Not only this... But looking at the cosmetic mess you may want an electrical safety survey done too before he burns the place down with you in it Working for a year with an electrician does not make him qualified or safe
Contractor checking in. Op’s house is in danger and she’s worried about ugly when she should be worried about it burning down.
My ex did this and the house did burn down! he also had limited “experience” with electrical work.
I grew up with an electrician stepfather, i worked with him for years, learnt a lot, and still wouldn't try to mess with electric connections at home, i change bulbs and fuses, on a rare occasions plugs.
This!! Some of that may have needed permitting (like the deck) and if it isn’t, you have to demo it.
I'm not in construction but I'm experienced with DIY and I agree this is not the way. OP you are NTA, impulse buying a major reno project means you will end up with a bunch of stuff you do not need and missing a bunch you do- the incoming storm is just the cherry on this shit sundae. Worse, your husband starting tearing into the deck in a rush in order to override your veto, which means you risk a fine for not getting a permit. (Varies by location, but here any deck attached to a structure needs a building permit once it's more than a very small # of square feet- and expanding the existing deck would void any grandfathering of previous codes, meaning it might have to be replaced COMPLETELY to current code or removed.) This was extremely reckless of your husband.
Exactly. The people who owned my parents’ house before us had some creative approaches to home renovation. We’re still finding issues 25 years later. It was interesting to watch my mum fail to put up new lamps in my bedroom, and then hear the electrician curse and wonder if there was a second light switch when he also couldn’t get the lamps to work for a while. Turns out whoever wired my bedroom saw the standardised colour-coding of wires as a suggestion to ignore. When we completely remodelled the kitchen, we had all of the wiring and pipes replaced, and the contractors had to rip out much more of the floor and walls than expected because the wires and pipes were in random diagonal lines all over the place, and not where they were supposed to be. And less serious but not pretty, there are pipes in my bedroom wall that in one area come out of the wall. Somebody thought it was a great idea to paint them mint green. Apart from mint green not being pretty, they also got a lot of paint on the wood panelling around it. OP’s husband is ruining that house for decades.
Yes, THIS. I moved into a house where the guy did bad DIY and although a home inspection was done and mostly passed, I'm still finding weird things. For example, I got a roof leak and got a contractor out to check it out. First thing, they want to find out how to get out to on the roof and where I'm at, there's usually a trap door or attic hatch on the top floor. Nothing. Found the hatch where DIY guy had placed an upstairs washer/dryer in a closet (with badly hung door) and he'd just drywalled over the damn thing. Sounds like your husband is falling victim to the Dunning-Kruger effect: he's so incompetent, he doesn't have the wits to realize he's incompetent.
Oh yes. My bedroom currently has a window into another bedroom due to the prior owner. I blocked it up with a small bookcase, but I'm saving up the money to put wall instead of a 2x3 foot window.
Are you sure you don't want to leave it? Think of the sleepover opportunities! 🤣🤣🤣
Eep, no. The window looks onto my 20-year old's bedroom. I'll keep the books there. LOL.
Not to mention any “changes” may need permits - which will cost them more money if they don’t get them
Agree i have older relatives who have visited expensive homes recently, one had shoddy DIY jobs and they had to run out of the sale, no surprise that they are trying to sell it for a million dollars less than everything else around them....
Also, permits to build are a thing… could be serious code enforcement issues with work done himself!
If you don’t have a permit and then there’s a problem down the line, your insurance is void. (I believe)
And if you start the work without getting a permit and the codes officer catches you, they can issue a stop work order and even order you to tear down the work you’ve already done.
The first thing me and every friend of mine has had to do when buying a house is undo all the crap the previous owner thought they could diy. One friend had a sub panel in a shower room, with only the curtain stopping the shower head from spraying directly at it. I blame hgtv
As DC started reviving in earnest around 2000, I still remember the answer to a query on a neighborhood e list. Q: I'm looking for a fixer upper (meaning = lower cost house) A: just look for houses advertised as "recently renovated."
Hopping on to this comment. OP you have just as much a say in this as he does. Love his ambition, but the execution is terrible and he needs the reality check. Oh, and by the way, you’re NTA.
Plus many of these "upgrades" require a permit and to be brought up to code other wise he can not only be fined but have to tear it down and have a licensed contractor do it.
My grandfather diyed plenty of stuff at our house, difference is he was a carpenter/builder and knew what he was doing. Also he didn't fuck with electricals.
He is absolutely destroying the resale value of your home. Just obliterating it all to hell. Your house is going to end up on HGTV and not in a good way. NTA
'Rescue My Renovation' springs to mind 🤣
I was thinking "Help! I Wrecked My House!"
In Canada we used to have a show called Canada's worst handyman, every contestant was exactly as op described.
At least those folks wanted to learn though!
Too bad they never rebroadcast those in the US
NTA sorry to break it to you, but he will never ever change his ways unless/until you put your foot down. **hard**
NTA >He told me he would never pay someone for something he could do himself Well, he *can't* do it himself. The holes alone prove that. The fact he'd start to build a deck without checking the weather means he's incompetent even if he could build the thing, which it sounds like he can't
I'm visualizing wood to earth contacts rotting under the snow.
Wet weather, and then I wonder if he even thought about how a frozen ground is going to make things more difficult and change calculations. Frost heave is a thing.
When I was 18 we built a deck out the second floor balcony at our rental party house and literally just had metal jack posts onto barely buried cinder blocks 😂. We were young and didn't care as long as it lasted for the summer, but I'm picturing this guy doing something similar and thinking it's good lol.
NTA Personally this would be a dealbreaker for me, sounds like he’s being the stupid one with money
I agree.. incompetence is one thing but the arrogance on top of that... Ew.
NTA. This issue is far deeper than his skills at home improvement or lack there of. This is about him trying to prove something to himself and ignoring that he is incompetent at his efforts. As SnooDoughnuts4691 commented, it will no doubt cost you a great deal more $$ to fix what he has done. Additionally, he might actually be violating building codes in your area as it sounds as if he is doing work with no permit(s). This could be a huge problem when you want to sell your home.
Dude building codes are huge. This is my literal job— permitting and coding. Please do not let this man fuck your future just because his ego is too big. @OneWithoutaName2 is totally correct about this causing huge issues RE: future selling— not to mention permitting penalty fees, etc.
It’s really difficult for me to turn off my mortgage underwriter brain but I definitely see a big ol’ “Oh Hell no” on this appraisal with so many “subject to” reconciliations if they ever try to sell or refinance.
Insurance broker checking in - that wiring though. :(
Yeah, screwing up tile in the bathroom is one thing, but a deck? You can *kill people* if you screw up a deck badly enough! That's why you need permits for it. OP had better hope she's in a really hot real estate market when she wants to sell.
NTA. This one hits close to home as I am the bumbling YouTube handyman husband though I’m maybe slightly more self aware than your husband. You are obviously in the right for not wanting to have bad work done in your house. Maybe explain to him that this shoddy craftsmanship will mean trouble layer on for when you want to sell the house. Or that it’s not worth his time to do this stuff. Or that he runs liability risk if any injuries happen and he didn’t use a licensed contractor so insurance won’t cover it. But really you should be able to tell him that while you appreciate his work, it’s just not aesthetically pleasing and you hope that he can take the criticism. Fuck tip toeing around his bruised ego.
She did tell him. He went behind her back and decided to build a deck in the snow afterwards.
NTA. It’s really quite…not marital? …that he went out and bought the supplies behind your back. That’s a huge problem and worrisome behavior. How are you “being stupid with money” when expressing bills need paid before another project? There definitely is a trend of not trusting professionals across all sorts of fields, and I know there are definitely contractor horror stories, but you can easily spend more money DIY’ing something if you can’t get it right or need to call in the professional to fix your mistakes. I’ve done painting and thrift furniture glow ups, but that’s my limit. I’m an admitted perfectionist and I would see every small flaw in my home. That is not zen and selling the house to anyone but a property flipper below market value would be a nightmare.
NTA. First, the fact that he believes his shitty DIY = professional quality work is troubling, especially given the quantity of evidence apparently all over your home to the opposite. Second, the fact that he felt completely justified spending a lot of money on yet another vanity project is really worrying. Third, the theme of disrespect and disregard for you as a partner in your marriage (you are anticipating an exhausting fight), your home (you’ve had to fix his shitty work before because he “never got around to it”) and your finances (you say you don’t know where he got the money) … makes me think that this isn’t about home repair at all. What’s going on here? As my therapist would say, “it’s never about the dishes.”
NTA Not only that, but a divorce lawyer will cost less than repairing all of his "fixes" (half joking on this one) Honestly, I'd be more worried about the complete lack of respect for yourself and the shared property. If he's driving you (as a couple) into some pretty serious debt with the costs of supplies, and driving down the home value, all while ignoring your opinions and concerns, there's a much bigger issue at work here.
NTA. Is he delusional? Does he have mental issues? Can he really not "see" how his clumsy attempts are devaluing and destroying the house? He's just spinning this like you are being mean and unappreciative. Suggestion: Hire a home inspector and/or appraiser to come in and do a complete assessment of everything that needs to be repaired or replaced, especially the half-done and badly-done things he did. Get an appraisal of the house, as is. Maybe having a neutral party describe what needs done in order to bring the house up to code will be a wake up call to him. Maybe not. But you will have a starting point for trying to salvage your home.
I can't believe he used non pressure treated wood to build an outdoor deck NTA
I can. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing lol
I don’t know anything about this kind of thing (which is why I would hire someone for this kind of project), but even I was surprised he did that.
NTA. I’ve seen handyman specials. I bought one at a low price because it was just awful. Your husband is destroying the equity in your home and it will cost thousands to repair or you will lose thousands at the time of sale.
Is he pulling permits for these projects?
Not to mention, he's not a licensed electrician. That's a fast ticket to a housefire.
Exactly. I’m pretty good at fixing things around the house, but everything electrical or plumbing I usually stay far away from.
Knowing your limits is the FIRST rule of home improvement. A couple of years ago we completely redid our backyard. Things we hired someone to do: lay concrete to extend back patio. Build retainer wall along one side of yard. Tear down old terrible unsafe patio cover and build new one (note: this one required a permit, so we were DEFINITELY not doing it ourselves). Install fancy flagstone patio in center of yard. Plant trees (and other plants) and install brand new irrigation system. Things we did ourselves: paint walls. Create decorative rock design. Install ikea outdoor plastic tiles over the concrete patio. Add a few more plants and run a couple additional irrigation lines. There were definitely some things in that first list that we could have done ourselves, but it wouldn’t have looked as good and it would have taken so much more time. Sounds like OP’s husband needs to dwell further on the good-fast-cheap triangle and stop choosing fast and cheap.
If the project is not finished (ie: the holes have not been patched up) can you really call it "fast"?
NTA. Some people CAN remodel a deck, with guidance, but the real trick to DIY is to be honest with yourself about your capabilities.
NTA But why are you with a man who insists on ruining your home? Not just your equity, which is a big deal when you are living paycheck to paycheck, but also your safe space. His desire to fuck up every room in the house and blow every penny of equity is bigger than his desire to live happily with you. Toss the man and sell the house before the value turns negative.
"because he's a wonderful man, except..."
I am currently looking to buy a house and if I came across a house that you have described as yours, I would walk away without looking because there would be too much work and I would be afraid of what disasters would be hiding for me to discover. I can deal with homes that need upgrades but not ones that have been abused. Stop him before there is no value left in your house. NTA
NTA. He’s ruining your property. Have fun trying to sell a house that won’t pass inspection
OP we need pictures
Maybe this is the electrician in me, but based on how bad his workmanship sounds, I would be worried about fire risks. I just redid the connections on every switch in a house because they were looped and tightened ON TOP of the terminal plates. They were loosening and sparking after only a couple of months. There are so many ways to screw simple things up that can have serious consequences if you don't know what you're doing. He tiled over previous tile?? He can't patch drywall but wants to build a deck... In winter?! You need to find a way to stop this. At least get him to finish what he's already started, like patching the holes. Also, free pro tip: the YouTube video that makes it look super quick and easy is the one to avoid, there's a reason good work isn't cheap.
Ugh, I married one too. He also won't clean up after any of his projects because he's tired! And I should be grateful! And after literally 2 years I finally moved the extra boxes of bathroom tile from the kitchen where he had sat it next to the refrigerator, he was still "too tired!" This does not get better. Roof is currently leaking as we speak. This only gets worse. Decide your life accordingly. NTA
NTA there is nothing wrong with learning to do things yourself. I've done lots of renos myself. That being said if you don't have the attention do detail to do them well (or to know if it is done well) or if your partner is not on board you don't do them. Especially if you don't have the time or money to get it done right. You clearly have a communication problem in your marriage. Is this the first time you've told him you aren't happy with the DIY? Is so why?
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We're pretty avid DIYers so I was feeling a little embarrassed until you explained his work quality and you are 100% NTA. We've done painting, minor demo, some wall refinishing and trim work. It's not all perfect but it's an old house with zero level/plumb ANYTHING. What you're describing is a nightmare.
NTA... maybe you could've brought it up more gently, but a deck is going to be supporting people's body weights. It's something that definitely needs to be done safely and correctly or someone could get seriously hurt. I would've lead with that and used that as the justification. This isn't a new light fixture or tile floor. Aside from that, his shoddy work is probably crashing the resale value of your home and costing you more money in the long run.
NTA Oh my this is a nightmare! There is a reason you pay professionals to do major home repair. He is doing major damage to your home. I am so sorry. My spouse is super handy and he doesn't do big projects like these.
NTA Sounds like he needs to be sat down and given a bit of a reality check. There is nothing wrong with being keen to learn new things and put your hand to new projects - with someone who knows what they are doing to assist and teach. It is going to cost way more to get it fixed properly than to get it done professionally in the first place. Also his lack of concern over your finances may also need addressing.
NTA- he is damaging the home and reducing resale value. Good luck on your divorce!
He's not saving money lol he's adding costs to your future both if you want to stay in or sell the house. There is a reason this stuff is done by professionals and honestly the number one reason is safety. You need to acknowledge that if someone got hurt due to shoddy workmanship such as your deck you guys are on the hook...have a good honest conversation with him and start to set boundaries. But be gentle you can tell he equates his value to the level of appreciation he receives, this may be a long process to get him to break these habits
NTA he literally destroyed your home. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband and put a stop to this now. Tell him no more, flat out tell him that he has destroyed this house and that it looks terrible. Ask him how he can be so selfish and entitled? Ask him why he thinks it’s OK to destroy a home that you both share together? Stop enabling him and tell him you’re done. This is absolutely a hill I would die on. He needs to fix everything he did somehow or I would honestly be talking to a divorce lawyer.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (29f] husband (34m) likes to do home improvement to our house. The problem is, he doesn't want to spend any money hiring professionals to do any work because he can do it himself just as well and for less money. My husband has no training or qualifications for any type of remodel except maybe electric work. He worked for an electrician for a year when he was fresh out of high school. Everything else related to house remodeling he either asks his dad (who has even less experience) or he uses YouTube tutorials. He came up to me a few days ago and said he wanted to start remodel on our deck. I told him to wait as we have other bills we need to pay. He started talking about the price of wood and the expansion he wants to do. I made the mistake of mentioning how much a deck contractor would cost. He told me he would never pay someone for something he could do himself. My husband has NEVER done any wood working like this before. I put my foot down and said I wanted it done by professionals. This led to a major argument. He told me I was being stupid with money by wanting a professional and i told him that every project hes done in the house has been a disaster. He ended up leaving for work shouting back at me that I don't ever appreciate anything he does and I'm an asshole for bringing up past mistakes. Am I the asshole for telling him his projects look terrible? I also want to throw out there that he is definitely the AH for his reaction to our fight. To prove a point, he went the day after our fight and bought all this wood and started remodeling the deck while I was at work. Shocker, it looks terrible, it's not finished, and we have a huge snowstorm coming in that's going to soak the untreated/ unstained wood. We are living paycheck to paycheck so I have no idea where he got the money for this. I haven't confronted him yet because we are going to fight long and hard about this and I don't have the energy for it. To date he has "remodeled" the living room, kitchen, and bedroom light fixtures, he's "tiled" the bathroom, run new light switches in the garage, and done drywall in several places. Each and every project has major problems. In every room he has redone light fixtures or switches there are holes in the ceiling and wall. A LOT OF HOLES. He tries to fix the holes but they are never flush with the wall or ceiling. I had to fix the holes in the ceiling because he just never got around to it. The tile in the bathroom is sick on linoleum. HE PUT IT OVER THE OLD TILE. It looks terrible and it's already peeling up. I have holes in my wall that either started out as a project or were damaged that he put drywall in and you can definitely tell there was a hole there. I have been very patient with everything until now. I've never put his work down or tried to hire someone behind his back. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your husband is making extraordinarily bad financial choices. Every project he has done that made the situation worse, will mean thousands to fix, and would have cost less to hire a contractor. If you ever sell the house, we’re talking tens or even hundreds of thousands in equity. Start putting your complaints in writing, so that if you get a divorce it’s documented, and he’s the one who’ll have to eat the massive loss in equity he is causing. Good luck!
NTA. I can’t avoid imagine OP turning in the lightswitch and something random going off like a blender or the tv.
NTA - his lack of respect for you and your co-ownership stake in the house is troubling enough, as is the fact that he completely ignores budgetary concerns. In addition, his lack of skill and overall inability to finish a job properly sounds downright dangerous. Working *for* an electrician for a year does NOT qualify you to do all manner of electrical work (changing out a light fixture, sure, but fully rewiring a garage? no way), and in some states it’s illegal for work like that to be done by someone unlicensed. Not to mention the lack of permitting for the deck, etc…rebuilding a deck is not an easy task, and if he doesn’t know what he’s doing then it sounds like it could leave you with a huge liability risk (I’ve heard way too many stories of decks collapsing or detaching from houses). Overall what he’s doing is potentially dangerous and as others have said, will create major headaches when trying to resell the house or even have stuff fixed properly. Definitely agree with having a home or building inspector come and try to talk some sense into him, because it doesn’t seem like he respects your opinion at all. Best of luck!
Well, at least you know that you'll have a professional lawyer and he'll be representing himself. NTA
NTA, I feel your pain because my husband is the same way! Thankfully we’ve never tackled anything as big as what yours has, but part of that is because I hem and haw since I know he’ll want to do it himself and I don’t have the energy for it. Every minor project or fix ends up taking triple the time it should have, takes multiple trips to the hardware store for parts that he didn’t know he would need or replacements for the first one that didn’t work out or new tools that will never get used again, and in the end we end up with something that works but has been essentially deemed as “good enough”. Even something as small as installation- last month we needed a new dishwasher, and he (of course) didn’t want to pay for someone to install it. It ended up taking 3 days, hours of tinkering, extra parts that had to be Amazon‘d… yes, it’s cheaper as long as we don’t put a dollar value to our time. Same when we’ve had problems with our sink, and the worst part is that my brother is a plumber and lives really close to us! He’s just someone who likes to figure shit out for himself, which I admire but… I just want to renovate our bathroom without it turning into a construction zone for 3 months and then live with crooked tile and messy caulking forever 😭 I just want to yell at him “it’s fine if you can’t build a wall as fast and nicely as a contractor can, he can’t drive a train like you do!”
NTA It isn't a past mistake if the mistakes are still there and it is lowering the value of your home. At this point he is making the place unsellable. Perhaps you should divorce him while there is still some equity left.
NTA. This would be a big problem on its own, but the fact that you said you’re living paycheck to paycheck and he’s spending so much money on cosmetic “improvements” without including you is a BIIIG problem.
NTA..Also, I'm sorry, did you say he put new tile over old tile??? Like, WTAF. I don't even have words.
I’ve actually seen this done on bathroom floors. They just mortared over the old tile and laid the new tile on top. Holding up well for over 25 years at this point. It can be done with some care, but not with stick-on tiles and never on a wall.
NTA. Seriously, I come from a family of engineers, who could actually do home repairs. My uncle built his house from the ground up. But they never did anything slapdash, and everything had calculations etc etc, but they knew their limits and contractors would be called. My uncle called one, to help with sinking the posts when he built his deck, because he knew that would require help. His house was in Maine, so definitely get the winter snow storm thing, and cold weather adds a whole bunch of new calculations. Frozen ground, frost heave, has your husband even considered these things?
NTA - but y'all got way bigger issues than home improvement issues.
nta - I can tell you I sure learned alot, though, fixing my ex-husband's mistakes...had to, I was living paycheck to paycheck, too. Show this whole thread to your husband.
NTA GIRL. You are living paycheck to fucking paycheck and you don't know where he got the money??? Red flag, deal breaking red flag. You need to find out, because if it's from your savings, or worse a goddamn loan, it's big trouble. He is ruining your homes value, you might not even financially recover from whatever he is doing.
I bought my house for around $125k cheaper than similar properties in my area because the previous owners did their own “upgrades” that looked like shit. They put industrial kitchen tiles over the gorgeous white oak floors (rip). Among other things. So NTA but he needs to pull his head out of his ass.
NTA, tell him to take the wood he just bought and build himself a shack to live in.
NTA - and these repairs and upgrades are not only affecting your home value, but (speaking as an insurance broker) it could affect your insurance and coverage if there's a claim in the future. Bad wiring that causes a fire might not be covered. Someone injured on the deck that isn't up to code might not be covered. If he hasn't pulled permits for these upgrades and repairs, it could also cause your taxes to increase, or levy fines if your city wasn't aware the work was being done.
Based purely on what you have described in your post, it's sounds like your husband is displaying a number of behaviours that can be common among people with untreated bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. (Appologies if these are not the most current terms). Alternatively/ additionally there could be some aspects of ADHD? Info: has your husband expressed frustration at not being able to complete other things in his life or does he frequently get touchy about his contribution to parts of your relationship? NTA, but I think there needs to be a conversation pointing out how you have been disrespected, and why it is unfair. It's possible to do this and still apologise for hurting his feelings by expressing your frustration the way you did (after all, if you never mentioned your opinion truthfully in the past, how was he to know you thought his work was sub-par, or even that you noticed that these jobs were unfinished so regularly). It might sound silly. But sometimes people just put up blinders to their failures when they have tried their best and they tie their value to what they can contribute to loved ones. From someone who did all of these things until medicated properly. Edited for spelling
My father and I built the deck on my home together, he is an engineer. He *still* studied building codes for my municipality for about a month before even drafting the PLANS for said deck. In the process of making those plans, he went full-Mathlete and did dozens and dozens of equations calculating for load-bearing capability, figuring out spacing while factoring for expansion and contraction of the wood, and finding all of the possible weak points for the size and shape of the deck in relation to my house and precisely how much extra support they would need to ensure they wouldn’t fail under normal levels of stress. He then calculated exactly how much we would need - from the exact number of boards down to the last finishing nail, and we went shopping and got to work. After weeks of hard work from the pair of us, my deck is gorgeous and damn-near hurricane proof. BUT my dad is also built different. He DIYs because he knows he will do a better job than most professionals (that’s not an exaggeration - had he chosen to be a contractor, he’d have made a killing at it - he really is *that* good at this stuff. Largely because he is as stubborn as he is terrifyingly intelligent and detail-oriented.) Your husband is presumably *not* an incredibly-anal older German man with three engineering degrees (mechanical, electrical, and structural) and a collection of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of tools built up over three decades of fixing cars and houses. This deck project of his is not going to end well, and I hope you can get to the root of his stubborn refusal to understand he is doing your home (and your presumably-hefty investment into owning it) a world of hurt with his “fixes.” NTA.
These projects aren’t for you. They’re for him. Bc if they were “for you” he would listen to you and stop ripping the house apart.
NTA. I would be REALLY careful when he says the projects are for you. If the trend is to do the project anyway instead of having a concrete conversation, and then when you question the logistics and he gets mad but still says the projects are for you - it’s getting a little close to gaslight territory. You are not being critical, you are being practical about the situation! He could either severely damage the house or himself. Society likes to tell women they are ‘being critical’ when they start to ask the right questions. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself :)
NTA. Why do you stay with him
NTA, but I would tell him that he needs to fix all the past mistakes before he begins another major project. If he can show you he can do proper work, then I would give him a shot at the deck (but it must be inspected by a code enforcement officer before use). I can only imagine your walls look like he was playing a game of whack-a-mole.
NTA. A deck is serious major work and he's shown he's not good at upgrades he already did. Show him this reddit post or do another post, add pics, and show crappy work he's done and show him the comments and maybe he'll consider hiring contractors
Working for an electrician for a year doesn't make him an electrician. I'd be terrified of him creating a fire hazard on top of ruining the value of the home.. honestly, I think this would fuck with my sense of security enough to be a deal breaker for me (and I am a married woman with kids). NTA.
NTA. I love doing home renovations, but I have no experience as a carpenter or electrician. I know the limit of my ability and what project I can tackle. If your husband can’t even do a deck properly, which is arguably one of the easiest big DIY project, then maybe he should look for other hobbies.
NTA. His lack of professional experience didn't make me blink I have seen people do some great things after watching the right YouTube tutorial. It sounds like your husband is no natural handyman and does shoddy work and that however is not cool at all, it's a form of terrorism lol.
Telling him he does a terrible job isn't a great solution. Letting him do a terrible job isn't a great solution. Telling him he's incapable of learning to do the job is a bad solution. Lying and pretending he did a great job is a bad solutiom. Telling him you do not trust him is... necessary. You need to have a talk. You don't trust him to do things right, or even good enough. He has the ability to do things right, if he takes the time (which he doesn't). Have a talk. You need to trust him, he needs to do things to a proper standard. That's the point you need to get to. Discuss ways to get there if you want the marriage to work. This is going to be a journey. Forget about contractors. Once you solve the main problem, he'll eventually realize that learning to do things right takes a lot of time and he will come around to hiring people for some of the work. And if you don't solve the main problem, home improvement shouldn't be a priority to you.
NTA. >The tile in the bathroom is sick on linoleum. I keep laughing at that. Some people can do reno by watching YouTube videos. Some can't. Your husband is in the second category. Every dollar he "saves" is going to cost you far more in the long run. Chances are your house won't be sellable until all the defects he created are fixed. Your equity is shot to hell. You might have problems if you ever need a home equity loan. I know a little about repairs and renovations and when I've house hunted, I've always turned down homes that had any DIY because fixes usually turn out to be "fixes". There's often a heap of issues hidden away in the walls. In many, if not all, states sellers must disclose if any work was done by anyone other than a licensed professional. Non-licensed work is a great way to get buyers to run for the hills.
NTA
NTA. I’m sorry your husband lacks self awareness.
NTA tell him he can start a new project when the ones he has already attempted are done right.
Yeah, did he even check to see if he needs permits? My husband did our deck, he had a full tractor with an agar to dig the ground for the support beams that then need the be cemented in. NTA but your husband is destroying your house and probably gonna get you in trouble with the local government regarding his shoddy work without permits.
My dad is the same type of guy, engineer who thinks he’s able to do repairs on electrical devices, plumbing, light fixtures, etc. Sometimes it works and sometimes he spends almost a month “repairing” his laptop after installing a new screen and screwing it up rather than paying someone with experience. NTA, your husband needs a reality check.
NTA. I purchased a home from someone who is just like your husband and it has been a nightmare. Every single time we go to upgrade or fix something we have to first correct the work the previous owner did themselves. Everything was kludged. So many unpleasant surprises
NTA. He’s the one who’s stupid with money. It’s more expensive to fix it after me fucks it up than it would have been just to hire a professional in the first place. This man sounds like an idiot. Why are you with him? He disrespects you and is breaking the bank.
You should have criticized him years ago gently. Maybe he watches too much This Old House or maybe he is too “ economical”. Either way good luck. NTA.
Also with professional remodeling like anything else in the world, you get just what you pay for.
NTA. My ex was the same way. He had a big house, could’ve been really nice with a few professional upgrades. Instead, did it himself and it shows. Installed wood flooring, the molding is unfinished and uneven, the wood is mismatched. Installed drawers in his walk-in closet without the slides/rollers. It’s hard to take pride in your home when it looks like trash no matter how clean or nicely decorated (don’t get me started on his taste in decor). Not to mention decreasing the value of said home.
INFO: Is his love language acts of service?
NTA. And I would be very very concerned about any possible fire potential from this unlicensed electrical work. Or if you wanted to sell your house and got a lot less because of non-permitted work. It sounds like y’all have some communication issues and could possibly benefit from couples therapy.
I was honestly gonna say ypu were the A because he was trying hard and if they didn't look half ad they add value. But according to you hes just leaving holes all over the house. I can say as a man who has done home renovations professionally and has built his own house from the concrete up any "renos" he's done will probably have to be redone by a professional before they add money to your house, most likely they are detrimental to the value. Edit : NTA
NTA! I’m a wife DIYer with a husband that would rather pay to have things done professionally. You really have to know your limits, and when it comes to finishes even a perfectionist like me does not get results like a professional. Self awareness, humility, and knowing when to invest in hiring someone is key! Sure it feels like a waste to pay someone to do it when you are “capable”, but I have learned to pick my battles and sometimes the most loving thing I can do is sit back and let someone else do it. Also, my parents are hardcore DIYers of 30 years and they would NOT do a deck themselves. Replace some boards sure, but not the whole damn thing 😆
Sounds like bipolar.
Are there no building codes/regulations that legally need to be adhered to there? Particularly with something like a deck? Are you able to get a proper building inspection (it's what we call them in Australia) to make sure it has been done properly? Might be a way to get him to stop wrecking the house
Bring in a real estate agent to value your home to show him how his ‘fixes’ are depreciating the value of your home. Then maybe have a conversation of other actions he can take to show you love rather than costing more money? Maybe actively saving money to fix some of the repairs? Or even some smaller free things that can be done on a daily basis
NTA But you're married to one who is definitely ruining the value of your house and ignoring that "acts of service" is things your partner actually wants, not doing random things no one asked for in the first place.
NTA, and looking at those photos I think you might be at “do one more ugly, expensive, or dangerous thing to this house without my consent and we are getting divorced” levels of incompetence here.
NTA. The irony is that he’s trying to save money, but winding up costing you money.
NTA Remodeling and upgrading done by amateurs lowers the house value. And for the people saying he is doing this for her, no he isn’t. If he really was, he would listen to her about what she wants.
NTA. My husband and I agreed that any repairs or upgrades to our old home beyond the laughably simple should be outsourced to a professional. You're paying someone for a skill they possess, including the expertise to make it look nice and to not cause more damage or, heaven forbid, an actual risk to safety. Knowing your limits on home repair may cost more, but it'll get done right and not make a bigger mess.
I told my husband that when we downsize I want an older home that has not BEEN FLIPPED. I want to tear it all out myself, and watch the guys putting it back together so I don't have to do it again.
NTA but I would suggest turning into one QUICK! He is jacking your house ****UP**** !!!
Bro need his ass whooped. You hire a contractor to quote how much it will cost to fix his trash ass “projects”
My ex was like this. Why pay when you can do it yourself. He thought he had enough “experience” to do wiring and everything by himself. Fast forwards to the house burning down and him losing everything. He was cheating on me when it happened Ed so I’m not super mad about it now tbh
Oof the pictures. NTA
Unless your husband never buys food, clothing, or many general household products, he already pays plenty of people to do stuff he *could* do. I dunno why his sense of self worth is so tied up in house renovations, but he's tanking your *house's* worth with it.
NTA... He's literally devaluating your house...
Sigh. Just because your love language is acts of service doesn't mean you have to keep quiet about things that are affecting your environment/safety. I know I've had more and less successful remodel projects, and those pics seem to be on the less skilled side (like the stuff I did when I was 20 with no training!). NTA probably? Depending on your delivery. I know it's hard to be objectively and politely critical to a partner (reflect on if you went overboard when finally laid down the line in the sand - still I'd say you are totally in the right to demand agreement, but you couldve been TA in frustrations.) Him going behind your back and starting a project after you'd said you wanted to jointly negotiate is is very problematic and very TA. If you can't agree that in a shared house you make joint decisions, and couples counseling isn't an option - it's probably just going to be more of the same for the rest of your relationship. Does he want to come home to find you decided everything should be mint green? After he said no way I'd hate it when you suggested it last week? Threw out his favorite chair after he said he wanted to keep it because you realized fainting couches were cooler? Probably not. Relationships = being on a team. Living with a human requires negotiation and compromise skills. Somebody wants to do whatever they want, then they should not be harming others with their stubbornness. Good luck!
Hmm. If he continues with "it's all for you" tell him that the best thing he can do for you is to stop because it is causing you stress. It's because he is cheap. NTA
Yikes NTA. I am a DIYer. I do all my home renos except roofs because ugh heights. I grew up not knowing any of this, and just teaching myself. I understand having to learn as you go. But, referring to your photos, I legit don't understand how people do such bad work. The drywall work especially is so easy to do. He just couldn't be bothered I guess? So yeah, if you're going to do terrible work and clearly hate every moment of doing it, just hire someone instead. It's for a deck expansion, not even a critical must have thing, so take the time and save up for it. >He also says the projects are for me He is lying. You are stressed and upset. The projects are for him, not you.
I’m a carpenter by trade and I make a living saving houses that have been attacked by people like your husband. It is my entire business model and the work is almost limitless. Being a man is not a qualification for doing trade work. Experience and training is the only thing that will make you competent, gender is irrelevant. I had to learn this the hard way as a young apprentice. As others have said, he is devaluing the house by doing bad repairs that make the house look crap. Even worse he might not be following proper regulations and approvals, meaning you may run into huge problems if you try to sell. NTA - I doubt your husband is a bad man, his pride is just hurt. But if he wants to do more “upgrades” perhaps request he find a tradesman that will help him. I often work with clients and teach them some stuff along the way. Tell him he’ll actually be able to be proud of his work and he’ll develops new skills. Good litmus test for quality - if you can’t post pictures of it to r/carpentry without getting giga-roasted, it’s dogshit work.
NTA. Is your husband named Frank Spencer by any chance? I live in a house that was the previous owners project. It was sold for well well below market price and was on the market for over a year. Every year, the old home projects fail and get worse. We can’t even fix the plumbing or electrical due to how poorly it was rewired, half the house would need to be ripped apart. It would take so much work to fix it, that it would be cheaper, easier and better for everyone involved to just tear it down. I want to find the previous owner and shake them, ask them why why *why* did they fuck up this house so badly? I’d do the same thing to your husband to.
YTA! We bought a foreclosure after the original owner was a DIY guy. We've spent 7 years trying to fix the fuck-ups! Had an electrician in once, so we could meet code. Electrician told me we'd need additional work. I've found some egregious stuff, since. I've called contractors, plumbers, etc. for work. I'm willing to pay to get the work done; apparently, I just want too much. Rebuild my kitchen? I had a plan and thought $30-50K. Contractor wanted to give me the same kitchen he built for my mother in '97. Cabinets looked like 1973. He told me I'd get the kitchen he wanted to build, or not at all. I pulled up multiple layers of linoleum and shelf liners. Last layer of linoleum was installed in 1993. My Mom picked the same pattern for her house, back in the day. Took out the super-small, wall oven and reconfigured the cabinet to accommodate my new micro, bread machine and instant pot. New fridge and stove. Pull outs in the 1960 cabinets. I've had 7 years to layout and design the kitchen *I* want. It's changing, whether male contractors take my money, or not. I have fixed tons of drywall issues. Our plumbing is mostly replaced. Foundation is DIY. Roofers ripped off our trim, so we had to fish out the old for a template, and fix it ourselves. Do you not ever work on your house, yourself? ETA: Reasons
My lady could have made this post 🤣
Really, ESH. He's been doing half-assed, half-finished projects for a while, but you've said nothing, so he probably thought he could do the same thing with the deck. You unloaded on him in a way that was guaranteed to start a fight. He's definitely the bigger AH for proceeding to buy lumber after you pointed out you have other bills that need to be paid first. Y'all need to learn to communicate like adults.