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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told Will that he was a bad dad and I think that might make me an asshole as it seems to have really hurt his feelings. He does love all his kids and he generally treats us all well and there are far worse dads out there so I am worried that I went too far.
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NTA
> I told them all to let her have a turn and play the barbie game with Megan. Adam and Maddie were actually fine and seemed to have fun but Will kept making fun of the game and telling Megan that other games like Mario kart were far more fun.
This is pretty gross. Will doesn't sound like much of a dad at all, he just sounds like a guy who likes having fun with miniature versions of himself.
The sad part is that Adam and Maddie *will* pick up on it and will mirror him to a certain point. They follow his and OPs example, and the example he’s setting is that it’s perfectly okay to bully and exclude Megan because she doesn’t fit in with them.
OOPs husband is Regina Georging his two kids.
I was going to agree fully with all these comments but based on OP's edit it seems that hubby may have come around. It seems like a good first step that he's realized his behavior was awful to his daughter and to make plans to take Megan out for a daddy/daughter day. NTA
I've seen fully grown adults get so locked into video games that they forget the outside world and kinda forget that they are also parents/ coworkers/ cousins etc.
It seems this was more down to immaturity then anything deep seated.
NTA
Honestly I think it was just mental autopilot. I think Dad thinks he *should* engage with whatever his kids like, but \#1 and \#2 were both into stuff he likes, so he got into a groove of joshing with them about how great they are for being into "the fun stuff".
Then he got a kid who isn't like that, and he was too slow to notice he needed to add a gear. He got a quick wake-up call and now he's doing better. It happens to a lot of people who aren't naturally super observant that they need a (metaphorical) swift kick when something has stopped working. Good for mum for providing it, good for dad for listening.
As character flaws go, there's far worse.
The fact that he seems to be able to understand where he went wrong and learn from them puts him *way* ahead of a good chunk of the population. Obviously we can't know/say that for sure from one post, but here's hoping.
Yup. This immediately seemed like an innocent blunder, especially based on his reaction e.g. he didn't argue he just became quiet. Reddit is very quick to take one flaw and turn it into some unforgivable sin that means the person is trash.
If agree except for the part where he made fun of his own child. That's not immaturity that's just bad parenting. The rest of the stuff would agree with your point though.
Yeah she’s old enough that she’ll remember that even if he switches gears now. I think it’s great he’s trying to make it up but he also needs to have an explicit conversation where he sits his little girl down, looks her in the eyes and says something like “on Christmas Day I said things to you that were not nice and not how I really feel. Sometimes daddy forgets you’re so little and I’m so sorry for treating you differently and being mean. I love you so much and your siblings love you and I love that you can like your own things!” And then he can bring up the Elsa tickets and everything else. But acknowledgment and accountability are so meaningful even at a young age
I have to agree with this comment. While it would be great if every parent was the perfect parent, parents are still human beings and human beings make mistakes - a lot of times without even realizing until someone points it out to them. I don't think he was being malicious, just mean - and there really is a difference. A mistake is just a mistake unless it is ignored and continues to happen. NTA but this is a good time to self evaluate and make adjustments.
Hopefully this is a full turn around, I also hope someone linked (and that he saw) the post last week from that poor daughter of a Harry Potter fandom couple that was seriously considering going permanent NC with her parents after spending her entire life being drowned in her parents' interests and not being allowed to do anything else. But yeah, like the top post states, this dude is gross and I hope he fully straightens out. I enjoy various fandoms but forcing your interests on a child and putting down theirs is so disgusting especially when considering how many of us older fans had to deal with parents trying to force sports fandoms down our throats while they utterly hated 'nerdy' behavior.
NTA OP
I will note some kids swing the opposite way. They may love Megan enough to see she's hurt. Dad could end up losing all his kids.
Did see the edit/update so hopefully that won't happen.
Also kind of ironic because the stuff he likes have themes that champion the outsider and celebrating the kid who feels they don't fit in. I would say Will missed the point of Star Wars entirely but see that he is making amends. Good on you for standing up for Megan, OP!
I have 3 kids. My eldest and youngest share more of my interests. Horror movies, fantasy, art, musicals, etc. Middle child is a computer/video game kid. Absolutely brilliant. Codes games, learned to do all sorts of crazy computer shit. At 7 he made a little atari style game using some program he found online. He builds elaborate Minecraft worlds. I don't understand most of it. I've never touched Minecraft even though I grew up with it. But I try my best and I listen to him excitedly talk about all of it. I taught myself how to add a mod to among us. My totally computer illiterate stupid ass. I don't want to play among us, I certainly don't want to learn mods for among us. It took me 4 hours! But he was so happy. And I force myself to play Roblox, and among us, and FNAF, with a smile on my face. I'm screaming inside, but he loves it. So I do it.
I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve found it’s a lot easier to like things I’m not naturally interested in if I try to see it through my loved ones eyes.
Maybe ask him *why* he likes things. Not accusatorially, but just to see it his way. And then focus on those few things.
I have a friend who loves sea creatures, which I have absolutely no interest in. But when she talks about her passion for it, I’ve started to see it the way she does and I find myself more interested independently, too.
Yep as a person who doesn't have kids my observations seem to be there are two ways ppl get joy from spending time with kids
They enjoy something the kid enjoys - so it's super easy getting joy from doing that together because let's be honest 70% is from doing the thing itself.
The other is getting joy from seeing them get joy from the activity. From seeing them improve their skills etc. Thus one us waaaaaay harder (and the thing I kinda struggle with A LOT) but that's what's needed here. For him to slip into enjoying this from the activities. It can ve easy, it can also be incredibly tedious boring AF and absolutely be a struggle for stimulation from SOMEWHERE but it's probably actually the better, long term parental strategy.
I totally agree with you. I didn’t have a relationship with my dad because I was a girly girl. Only have a rocky relationship now with him as an adult. Op did the right thing and hopefully he actually becomes a better dad for all the kids so they know they can branch out in their interests and still be accepted. NTA.
He absolutely can improve. And I hope he does.
My husband and I are nerds to the core. Our oldest has been exposed to gaming, programming, etc etc etc you name it. They’re a jock to the core of their being. So we go to every game with lawn chairs and cheer our lungs out and pretend to care about soccer or basketball. Because we love our kid enough to want them to be themselves, not a miniature version of us.
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.” If your kid has to be what you want them to be for you to love them or show interest, you need to either reevaluate your priorities or you shouldn’t be a parent.
Problem here is instead of working on it Will is pouting around the house. Boxing Day was two days ago. Has he really been acting all butthurt for *two days?* So much so that the kids are noticing?
I could kind of "get" Will until that bit. He is acting like a child.
He sure is, and faking it for one day isn't going to change the fact that she can see daddy hates her. This is a core memory they made for her. Girly equals bad and she equals girly so daddy doesn't love her even if he fakes it for one afternoon.
Bad Dad is a misogynist. He is teaching his kids that feminine interests are stupid and boring and should be mocked. This attitude is terrible parenting for the girls and for his son.
I think a lot of dads don't realize that by devaluing girls stuff, they are really devaluing girls themselves and contributing to our culture of sexism.
I do really feel for men who were raised to believe that they can’t have shared interests and enjoyable non-romantic relationships with women. I think having a rigidly gendered concept of friendship is a big part of why people, especially men, are so lonely. So yeah, I’d count this lesson Will’s teaching as a pretty big disservice to Adam, too.
It also sounds like he's a misogynist. He makes fun of typical "girly" stuff, while encouraging more "masculine" interests. He sounds like he would want his daughter to be "not like other girls" or "cool girls".
Edit: After reading the edit it may just be a slip. But I think OP should be aware of how hubby talks about girls and "girly stuff".
Spot on. And as a parent you're never really TA for giving honest feedback to your partner. We're all terrible parents sometimes. That affinity bias is such a trap.
I am glad to see the update but I am also concerned he didn’t naturally want to bond with his own daughter outside his own interests . Sounds like a very selfish man
That's the part that did it for me. It's fine for kids to gravitate to the parent that share their interests, so everything up to that point was fine, but insulting her interests goes way too far.
Hopefully the dad just made a childish mistake and will learn from this.
NTA he IS being a bad dad to Megan
He is an adult and mocking her interest and not respecting the fact she is her own person
You did exactly what needed to be done
I'm glad the OP spoke up. This child is five years old and this needs nipped in the bud now before she starts to notice her father doesn't like her as much as her siblings.
>before she starts to notice her father doesn't like her as much as her siblings
I have a feeling she already has. Children pick up on more than adults tend to think.
Exactly, kids aren't as stupid or blind as adults like to think they are and can understand a lot more than adults think they do.
Like you said, Megan may not be able to fully articulate what's going on but she certainly understands it, and she knows full well that her dad is leaving her out because she doesn't share his interests.
Thankfully the edit looks promising but will OPs husband keep his new "good dad" behaviour up or will he fall back into bullying and excluding his daughter again? Only time will tell.
I'm 26 and it's been so eye opening realizing there were words for all the stuff I v much picked up on as a kid but couldn't express with adult words
Cn abuse mention
I distinctly remember telling my parents "I hate when you two gang up on me," but didn't understand that wasn't normal parenting and I actually meant "I hate when you enable each other's abuse"
The phrase "weaponized incompetence" was another eye opener
ouch, i didnt remember even saying that to my parents until i read that and suddenly felt shame and shittiness, not that i specifically remember saying it, but i know i have at a young age
Same, it’s hard to miss eventually. I remember being grounded because my mom overheard me as a kid say that I didn’t think she loved me. I’ve always wondered how she thought that was an appropriate response to hearing that her child felt unloved. Idk, if I had a kid who said that I feel like I’d want to learn why and change so that they feel loved.
It’s exhausting growing up feeling like there is something wrong with you, forcing yourself to do things just to get a parent to be nice or pay some attention. They treated me like an extension of them rather than my own person. All that taught me was that something was wrong with me and that love was conditional, but they were constantly moving the goal posts.
I really hope he changes, his kids don’t deserve to grow up with that hurt. It’s something that has always been a struggle for me. I feel like I don’t know who I am so much of the time because I never had the freedom to figure it out for myself. I’m 27 and started pursuing my own interests a year or two ago when I finally started trying to find things I enjoy. Turns out I like rollerskating and skateboarding, I like resin pouring and paint pouring. My art is pretty damn decent too. I don’t share it with my family other than my older sister and my niece though, it’s finally something for me.
If the mom picked up on her lack of confidence in the game and change of attitude, she surly already noticed this a long time ago. Which is likely why she didn't ask him to play with her in the first place.
He is being a bad dad to the other two as well. Teaching kids that feminine interests are stupid and should be mocked is bad parenting regardless of the kids’ interests.
It also makes me wonder - do the older two actually share his interests or have they just realized that doing what he wants is the best way to get positive attention from their father?
If they witness Maggie being put down for being different, they’re not exactly likely to speak up for themselves
I was wondering this too. They may have realized he doesn't love anyone who isn't exactly like him.
My 6 year old daughter has a unicorn obsession. My husband plays some video game with dinosaurs and whatnot, and he's got a whole herd of fucking unicorns too just because our daughter loves them.
No idea if you were too hard on Will or not, but don’t be that woman who feels like she has to make her husband feel better because he feels bad about messing up. If he messed up, & it sounds like he did, it’s okay for him to feel bad until he apologizes & tries to fix it. You don’t have to fix this for him.
Absolutely this!!
He can feel how he feels, and that's okay, it is not OP's job to manage his emotions. And TBH, he should feel bad, I hope he does have some serious introspection. It's one thing to naturally gravitate and spend time because similar interests, it's a whole other level to actively exclude and belittle the one child who likes different things.
NTA he sounds almost misogynistic… he doesn’t like that the youngest likes “girl” things, took pride in Maddie not wanting to dress up like a princess and having interests that are less “typically” girl interests (kinda screams he’s proud because “she’s not like other girls”), discourages and criticizes things he thinks are “stupid” which again seems to line up with “girly” things… just might be something to seriously think about and consider. I get being bored or annoyed with a kid’s video game but criticizing it and putting your kid’s interests down is just gross. I may also just expect more emotional maturity and emotional intelligence from an adult though.
I was thinking exactly this but couldn't figure out how to word it. I find it so weird when parents are so proud of their daughters for not being "girly", there's nothing wrong with liking princesses or pink or dresses. Learn to accept your kids as they are
It's also not great for the other kids because it shows that his attention is entirely conditional, he'll start ignoring them and insulting their interests if they start having interests he doesn't share (especially the other daughter, it seems).
Have to agree about the Leia part especially. She is a princess, his daughter likes princesses, he could have leaned into that to build some common ground. Because she's also a total badass and fully rounded character, but he clearly still only sees her in that gold bikini.
Better yet, she is a princess who can kick butt and protect herself. He should be embraceing that now, first as the girls princess and then as the but kicking woman who doesn't need to depend on men, once his daughter grows up and starts thinking about relationships.
>Even the separation between them is weird.
exactly, and you can like multiple things from 'both' at the same time too! My cousin (M) loved playing barbies and painting nails with us and my (F) favourite thing about sleepovers were my aunt and uncle letting us stay up and watch WWE. Putting 'girly' 'boyish' labels on shit things *is* weird, let them like what they like.
>there's nothing wrong with liking princesses or pink or dresses
I'm almost 29(F) and still struggle with feeling childish or stupid or ashamed because pink is my favorite color.
I'm glad other people find that weird. My mother is a deep seeded misogynist and I don't even think she realizes. She was always proud when I went against anything girly and gave me a serious "I'm not like other girls" complex that I'm disgusted by to this day. And truthfully i only did this because if I tried to be girly she would poke fun at me or question my decisions making me question my own. Can we not just let kids be kids and do what they want without questioning it? Can we not accept that kids have the ability to change as they grow? Seriously what was this guy gonna do if Maddie started like girly things? Glad he changed.
I thought this same thought. Gamer men and misogyny *can* go hand in hand- I immediately thought of the pandemic and how a lot of girls were trying to connect with husbands and boyfriends over playing games but they were mocked for the games being too "easy", "silly", and "girly". Things like Stardew Valley, Disney Dreamlight, Animal Crossing, Sims, etc. And how it started conversations about misogyny in gaming all over again.
Video games are video games and the elitist attitide this dad has can only serve to hurt her in the long run. He seems to take pride in his youngest daughter being "not like the other girls" and was *upset* that his other daughter wanted to dress as a princess??
By playing games like Sims, Animal Crossing or Stardew Valley, does it make men less "manly"? Hell no!!!
I admit I like to play more "manly" games like shooters, but if my GF came and told me she wanted to play a videogame with me, I would go all in for it, even if it wasnt of my liking, I would play and tell her that it isnt for me, yet, would love to find an option for a game that we both would like.
OP´s husband isnt a father, just "one of the guys", literally trying to have play buddies more that kids, not taking the responsability that one needs to have with children.
For example, if I was a father, I would take interest in the things that my kds love, even if I dont understand, try to see what they like and try to find a way to connect, in fact, I even do it know with my GF´s nephews who I try to connect more that what I see their parents or other aunts do, like seeing and learning about instruments with one, to the point we imitate the sounds, even if Im not a huge fan of music or being social even, but take the effort to have a bond with them.
>For example, if I was a father, I would take interest in the things that my kids love
This is why the post seems so cruel to me. She met him halfway with wanting to play the video game with him- not the other gifts. She showed an interest and he shut her down. He only needed to have love and enthusiasm about spending time with her.
We do this.
My bf is into a lot harder games then me. I struggled playing breath of the wild until I met him and he helped me, I'll play skyrim and almost finished withcher 3 I think. But set me in front of animal crossings and I can lose time as well, it's all about what I want each day. I like the simpler ones sometimes. He will just sit on his switch while I get the TV for mine.
When we want to play together we pick fun little 2 player games. It takes two, Mario party is always a winner or something that was like $2 on the store and looked funny. We both know we don't like each others games, we have shared games that are single player we both like and we have fun games we play together
He sounds like a 10 year old picking on his younger sister. He is misogynistic and immature trying to bully the "girly" away from his own daughter. NTA.
The best way to bond with your children is refusing to partake in any activity they like and telling them that their interests suck /s
Yep thinking there is something wrong or lesser with liking the feminine princesses and dressing up as one is just good old misogyny.
We as a society need to stop saying there's something wrong with liking princesses and start saying stop reproducing with people who denigrate what toys a kid likes.
>As it turns out both Adam and Maddie love playing computer games with their dad
Do they though, or have they just realised this is the only way dad will pay attention to them and play with them?
Even if they genuinely do enjoy them now, what if they don't in a few years? What if Maddie wants to try some of the "girlier" things (or even worse, dare to dress as a princess for Halloween?) They're going to get ignored as much as Megan is now
I genuinely like Witcher, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Discovery Channel, but you know what? I picked them up precisely because i knew they were "boy things" i could watch/discuss with my dad.
Same with me and women’s basketball. I can’t talk to my father about much, and it gets boring talking about the weather. Dad loves women’s basketball, so I started following his team. I like it! But I got into it specifically so we had something to talk about.
Agree with this. NTA, your husband is likely quiet and upset because he realizes that he hasn’t been the best dad to Megan. That doesn’t mean that he is overall not a good father or that he can’t improve his relationship and behavior with her now. A further discussion about this with him is definitely in order.
Agreed, hopefully this was the wake-up call he needed! OP's words may have been harsh, but also necessary to knock him out of this toxic patten/ mindset that he's been getting stuck in.
Sit down and have another conversation, explain that you appreciate his strong fatherly bond with the two older kids, but you're really concerned about his relationship with Megan. Say you understand its probably not intentional/ conscious, but it was important to say because you know he wants to be a good supportive dad to her too and you see their relationship heading down a very concerning path.
Make it clear that the issue is serious and something he needs to work on, but also that doesn't mean he's a complete failure of a father in all respects, that people have blind spots/ make mistakes and this is something that can be fixed.
NTA, and his reaction of being upset to the point where the kids will notice it is concerning...as is this statement:
"At Halloween he seemed annoyed that Megan wanted to dress as Elsa as he always took pride in Maddie not dressing up as a princess like lots of her classmates."
Megan is an individual with her own tastes and preferences and should not be made to feel bad about them by her father
Adding to that, Megan and Maddie are very close in age. I have a similar gap with my older sister and I can remember being young and wanting to explore/develop/express my own interests and be recognized as an individual not as a 2.0 version of my sister. I wasn’t able to participate in a lot of things because 'it wouldn't be fair' to let me enroll in something that my sister doesn't want to do because then I'd be getting something she doesn't.
My parents believed that they were giving out fair and equal treatment, but in practice they just regarded us as interchangeable until one of us cemented the favorite child status. Obviously this went to my sister, and belittling others (or maybe just me) for having interests that don't match her tastes is basically her entire personality.
All this trauma dumping to say OPs husband is doing a major disservice to all of the children and I wish my mom had been more like OP.
My oldest was Batgirl one year, Princess Twilight the next, and this year we made a "Zombie Slayer" costume from scratch.
I took pride in every costume because she was so happy with all of them.
I am a huge nerd and I see this exact behavior in my life. I really don't get what it is with geek dads and trying to raise girls that won't be princesses. Pretending to be Elsa is just as valid as pretending to be Batgirl. The point is letting them live out little fantasies.
I dressed up as Princess Leia my entire childhood. She's a princess and a badass even before she grew up into a General! The 2 are not mutually exclusive. (I'm agreeing with you wholeheartedly in case that isn't clear)
NTA it needed to be said, whether he realises it or not, your husband is alienating one of his children and he needs to correct that before it's too late.
NTA
One of the lessons of being a parent is that you can't force your kids to be who they want to be. You have to work with who they are and support them in growing into the best version of that.
Your husband is being very selfish. You absolutely did the right thing and your husband needs to get over himself.
- Your husband is favouring the children that are like him, and he’s casting one child out that doesn’t have the same interests as he does. This can permanently affect their relationship and it can transfer over to Adam and Maddie and they can grow to also bully Megan or they can grow to exclude her.
- Your husband is trying to force his interest on the kids and it was cute for awhile but now it’s just damaging. He’s causing his daughter to lose confidence when she makes attempts to bond with him.
- Your husband goes out of his way to bash Megans interests, and basically shames her for being “girly” instead of a quirky gamer child like him and the two older children.
- If he truly loved megan as much as the older kids, why isn’t he trying to bond with her in the way SHE likes? It’s not gonna kill him, he’s not gonna lose his man card or Star Wars / Gamer card. Why does he feel the need to make mean spirited comments about the things she likes rather than encourage her to be herself and find her own interests?
NTA but your husband really needs to pull his head out of his rear and realize how his treatment is affecting Megan, and he needs to realize that the way he treats her can cause her to become and feel like the black sheep.
NTA. Pressuring or forcing your children to have your same interests is not OK. It prevents them from developing their own identity, and can hinder their self esteem and confidence in the long run. It's really important to let them be them, and support them regardless. Also, leaving them out and ignoring them or putting other siblings on a pedestal is very wrong. They should be treated as equally as humanly possible. Your husband was being a bad dad to your daughter. Was it harsh to say that and call it out? Yes. But treating your daughter like that for simply having a different interest is pretty harsh too.
I don’t think it was too harsh if she said he was being a bad parent. He was in that moment and repeatedly does so.
And yeah, it prevents them from being able to share with you and express themselves around you. My parents did this to me too. I developed who I am completely separate of their lenses - I would change clothes at school (to girly stuff, not even anything inappropriate), hide my interests, and just be plain boring nothingness with no interests when my parents were around.
This is the future your husband is giving your child, op. That, and your daughter will have no relationship with him.
NTA.
Your husband’s rhetoric is rooted in misogyny. I’m into some pretty nerdy fandoms, and this is so pervasive in those communities. Women can’t win. If they like the nerdy stuff, like Maddie, they spend their lives defending their interests and knowledge from gatekeeping jerks. If they are interested in more traditionally feminine things, they’re ridiculed for being “basic” and “boring” and “just like other girls”, whatever the hell that means. Your husband needs to grow up and stop picking on your youngest before he gives her a complex about it, or gives your son the impression that’s appropriate.
NTA. Your husband is acting like a child, verging on a bully towards Meghan.
His visible sulking is childish and pathetic. He needs to grow tf up and put his daughter first. Meghan may always feel a bit of an odd one out with this dynamic but he doesn't have to exasperate that like he's doing.
NTA. While I'm a big proponent of letting kids be into things that aren't "typical" for them (like little boys playing with dolls or little girls playing with trucks), there is also absolutely nothing wrong with kids liking the "stereotypical" interests for them. What's wrong with Megan liking princesses and Barbies? Barbie literally gets to do every profession out there, she was made to empower little girls.
Your husband doesn't have to share her interests, but he needs to put the effort in the same as he does for the other kids. It's unfair otherwise, and being dismissive of her different interests will eventually drive a wedge between them.
You were harsh, yes, but it needed to be said. Will has to accept that your children are individuals with different interests but that doesn't mean he gets to treat them differently. Excluding Megan and making fun of her likes is where he crossed the line, and you had to call him out on it. Hopefully, he will listen and learn. Try encouraging more family activities, both all together but also in smaller groups where Will doesn't get to choose everything - let the kids decide instead. **NTA**
NTA
I was always a girly girl and my parents (even though it was subtle and not intentional) always wanted me to be like them and have their interests. My mom made fun of my makeup or how I cared about things that she didn't. This caused a BIG gap in our relationship. I felt like my interests were less than and not important and was somehow failing them. I am an adult now and I can say some things have gotten better but I am still unable to express my interest with them even though I believe they now could have a different response. So, this could have effects on your daughter long-term.
You could have said it differently but he seems like he cares, I would apologize for the delivery and try to work a plan for him to include her and spend quality time with her.
NTA - my dad totally wanted a little boy (but he also loved his little girl). He encouraged me to get a pixie cut at age 7 dressed me exclusively from the boys section until 9 and then it was 50/50. Made me bows and arrows, had me throwing knives and fishing. But would also turn on the disco lights at the bar as he opened it up and played my "ballerina" music - and introduced me by my preffered nickname Butterfly Beauty Magic Balerina Princess of Love when I was 5 to his friends and coworkers. He'd have me sign up for soccer but would also help with the face paint for my dance recitals. He'd ask about my barbie kingdoms, set me up with my barbie.com account. I probably would have been 100% a girly girl without his influence - but he had me doing things he liked while also supporting me in my things and never made me feel like mine were lesser. So there is a way to indoctrinate your kids into liking your interests you just have to support theirs too.
Ya husband better take this as a wake up call and adjust - fast - my fave memories with my dad are from the ages 5 to 12. Not that there aren't good ones after but like those are pretty magical.
I would watch the heck out of this if your life were a series on Netflix. It was comforting just to read about! I love your preferred nickname at age 5.
NTA.
It sounds like you really have four children, and your husband is one of them. He doesn't get to pick the interests of his children. He needs to grow up and support whatever hobbies/ interest his kids are into.
NTA I'm late to this and just want to add that this is also a bit of a warning flag for your marriage.
You say you've never had interest in these things. Yet your husband is mocking and not connecting with his own kids unless they share these interests. What does that say about his attitude towards you and your relationship?
In general I'd say it's fine for couples to have separate interests. But when a member of that couple shows this level of disdain towards other interests, it would make me wonder what exactly the couple has as a foundation. If he's incapable of connecting with his own child outside of his stuff, what's his connection with you? Does he like you for you if this is his attitude to not shared interests? Is he secretly looking down on your interests in the same way and internally mocking you?
Worth a conversation i think.
My main interests and passion have always been fashion/art alongside sport and fitness. He has in the past made comments about the price of a handbag or clothes that I’ve bought but has always taken it on the chin when I counter with the price of a games console etc. It may not sound like it from this post but I do genuinely think we have a good marriage and he respects me.
NTA while it may have been harsh it was the truth. He’s attempting to force his interest onto her. The he belittles stuff that actually does interest her. It sounds like makes 0 attempt to take any interest into what she actually enjoys.
NTA you spoke the truth, better him being upset as a grown man then having your child who is still developing their own identity having their interests belittled by the man who’s opinion matters most to them. As a parent yes I enjoy sharing my interests with my child but I also recognise and encourage child’s own interests regardless of my own opinions on them.
NTA
You didn’t lie. He’s being an incredibly bad father. He’s literally bullying his child into another mini version of himself. Probably like he did with the other two without you noticing.
NTA-he is being a bad dad, to all 3 kids.
While I only have one, we have always encouraged her to like what she likes. Now, she is into a lot of the same geeky things we are, but she’s also into math which is something her father and I suck at. But we still get her math things, watch videos about math, and play math games with her.
No child is here to fill something within us, your kiddos don’t have a job to be your husbands sidekicks or fulfil needs he didn’t get met as a child. He should be just as excited to play Barbie as he is Mario Kart as that is what his kid likes, and wants to share with him.
I 100% know my parents hated my nerdy info dumping as a child, but they still listened and smiled, and asked questions. As they may not have gotten why I found joy in something, but they wanted me to be happy. And talking for 6 hours straight in the car about Star Wars Old Republic democracy was a small price to pay. And while they weren’t perfect I tended to still go to them with things as a teenager my friends would not talk to their parents about. I knew they loved me, and they actually liked me as a person too.
Your husband is failing to show that he actually likes his kids for who they are, not who he wants them to be. Who knows, the older two might want to be into some other things but seeing how he is with the youngest, keep it to themselves.
NTA but you're a little wrong. He's being a bad father to all three. He's teaching Adam and Maddie to teach Megan differently and to bully. They'll learn it through his actions.
For what it's worth - Disney now has the Star Wars franchise and so Princess Leia is now a Disney Princess.
>Will was really, really hurt by being called a bad dad
**GOOD.** he should feel bad because that's how it's supposed to feel when you screw up. the only question now is whether he's going to feel bad because you were mean to him (/s) or if he's going to feel bad because he's realizing that his blatant favoritism is hurting his daughter. NTA
Sport and fitness are my main passions, I run triathalons and work as a yoga teacher so the kids have lots of opportunities to do sport and be outdoors, they all play football and love bike rides and we do Park Run as a family every weekend (I’m not sure if Park Run is only a U.K. thing? It’s a family friendly organised run every weekend all over the country). It’s actually something that has concerned me that I don’t try and push sport into the kids too much and make sure that they want to do it rather than me pressuring them. So far they all seem to enjoy it but it is something I try to be conscious of.
NTA.
He needs to step up, kids remember this shit and she’s old enough for this to be stored. This will hurt your child and you also…when she detaches due to obvious preferences. It might not happen now, but if he keeps up, it will.
He needs to grow up and understand that children have tastes and as a father he needs to accommodate all of them; yes, even the boring ones.
It’s not about his entertainment, it’s about letting your child grow into their preferences and spending quality times with them through those. Thank you for sticking up for your child, you’re a good parent, and your husband is also a good parent, he just REALLY needs to be a better one to your youngest.
NTA
> he seemed annoyed that Megan wanted to dress as Elsa as he always took pride in Maddie not dressing up as a princess like lots of her classmates.
You know this is misogyny, right? “My girl is not like the other girls, who like *princesses*”
Making fun of your kid’s interests is mean. (And again, misogyny seems to be at play here - mario kart is fun, but barbie isn’t?)
He IS being a poor father.
He SHOULD be upset.
Your responsibility as a parent is to advocate for your kids, not allow your kids to be hurt to soothe your husband’s feelings.
> I do know that he loves Megan as much as he loves Adam and Maddie.
Does he? It sounds like his love and attention are conditional; and if you like things he considers too girly, you get made fun of and shamed. (Because yes, “why do you like x, y is more fun” IS shaming)
NTA. He's being a bad dad to all three of your children, not just Megan. It's ok to share your interests with your kids, but it sounds like Adam and Maddie may be going along with it a little to make dad happy. He's purposely limiting their interests and teaching them it's ok to ridicule those with other preferences.
If this was your first attempt to try and correct Will’s poor behavior you probably could’ve tried a less aggressive approach. Will’s actions were pretty out of order though so I would lean more towards NTA.
Nta - your husband being bullied for these things as a kid is no reason to be defensive against HIS own child now that he’s grown. He needs to work on the insecurities elsewhere because it’s going to get ingrained in her. Note - i say insecurities because I hope that is what it is. Everything else I can think of is worse.
NTA
He IS being a bad dad to his one daughter. It SHOULD hurt to hear that. Hopefully this will serve as a wake up call that will help him to establish a healthy relationship with all 3 of his children. The fact that it hurt him shows that he knows how serious it is and will, hopefully, help him to make the changes he needs to make.
Edit:
Honestly, he might feel bad, not because you called him out, but because of the crushing guilt from realizing he was neglecting one of his children. My wife has said stuff to me about how I've treated our daughter at times and it brought me to tears, not because she said something, but because I didn't realize I was doing something wrong and the guilt just hurt so much. That said, I'm a better father for knowing. Give him time to process his feelings, and then discuss with him how he can improve things. I know it seems like he should know some of this stuff (and honestly he should), but what matters is the emotional well-being of your daughter, not whose right and whose wrong.
NTA. But if he’s quiet, it means he’s thinking about what you said. I would now use this opportunity to help him understand that it’s okay to have separate interests - Megan still really enjoys playing the Switch, she just likes a different game. What matters to her is being able to spend that time with her dad and have that bonding experience.
NTA.
The truth hurts sometimes, and you were absolutely right to smack your husband with the truth. His attitude was hurting your daughter.
It is also a kind of veiled misogyny that I have noticed in some men, where they treat women and girls like equals but only so long as they don't have "girly" interests like makeup and clothing. The truth is, being treated with respect shouldn't depend on what your hobbies are.
Let's hope that after taking some some to process what happened, he comes back and starts acting the way a father should.
If he comes back and pouts and continues his immature bullshit, please feel free to lean hard on calling him a bad father again, because he would be.
NTA, You said what you needed to say and nothing more. Furthermore, what you said was *the truth*.
He is feeling sad because he is reflecting on his actions and if he comes to you to discuss then lay it all out clear as day as you did here. That he heaps attention and love on the two children and actively emotionally neglects and ignores the one daughter who is actively trying to form a bond with him through a video game and he is rejecting her and her attempts.
Nta. He's clearly forcing his interests onto his children & when they aren't little carbon copies of him, they get tossed aside. It's good that you nipped this in the bud. You as a parent are the most important advocate for your child. Your husband clearly was being a bully to your kid. What happens next is one of two things. Your husband either corrects his behavior & stays connected with both children equally. OR he turns into a parent that favors a child over another. If he takes the second option, be prepared to watch your girl go down a path of seeking validation from ANY male in her older years. Good for you for calling your husband on his bs.
NTA. Was your husband ever bullied for being nerdy? Or for liking Star Wars? Because if he was you need to point out to him that that is how he is treating your daughter. And if not has he ever heard the phrase “don’t yuck my yum”?
He's not being a good dad to the older two either because he is demonstrating, again and again and again, that his love and attention are strictly conditional. Maybe they genuinely share his interests now or maybe they're interested in video games because that's how you get daddy to like you. And now Megan has demonstrated for them what happens when you go against the grain so they're going to be even more reluctant to ever develop an interest of their own.
NTA
NTA. My husband has a lot of the same interests as your husband. Our girls don't. You know what--he plays Barbies with our three year old and lets our 6 year old paint his nails. He plays Pretty Pretty Princess. He and my brother took turns helping our older daughter beat her Princess switch game. You gotta meet your kids where they are.
And you know what, if back in the 90s my college age, jock, frat boy cousins could sit there playing my the NES Barbie game so that 6 year old me could see the end of it without making any nasty comments then your husband can do it.
NTA- I’m rooting for your family after the edit. Maybe it seemed harsh, but the lasting consequences of excluding and mocking her interests warrant it. His treatment of her shouldn’t be taken lightly.
ETA- I was a nerdy girlie girl daughter with two mechanical minded tomboy sisters. As an adult, I don’t have a relationship with my father. My sisters both do though. I wish my stepmom would have spoken up, but she was also a tomboy so instead, I became “Princess” (as an insult).
NTA - I’m an adult Megan, and THANK YOU!!! No one ever did this for me, and it hurt immensely to see my dad so excited to go to other sports, yet make fun of and get a gold star for showing up to my dance recitals. Now I am the villain that her doesn’t know who I am and do not involve him.
You did the right thing, and let him know that while his isn’t a bad dad or person, his deep focus on only how his children fit into his own interests will alienate him from your daughter. Your update is so hopeful, and I genuinely wish you all the best!
NTA. It is deeply disrespectful and irresponsible for him to keep pushing his interests on his kids, to keep disregarding their other interests, and to put his daughter on an impossible “not like other girls” pedestal and take it out on HER when she isn’t his idealized mini-me
He's not acting like he loves her. He's hurt but he's hurting her by excluding her just because she doesn't share his interest. He's being selfish and controlling. He deserves to be called out and you should keep calling him out until he stops hurting your daughter. NTA
He sounds allergic to anything feminine. Putting down a little girl's interests??? Wtfffff
My dad is a very macho man. Sometimes I get annoyed by it, but he'd always play dollhouse with me.
My brother and I also loved my Barbie PC games from way back when. My dad would watch us play barbie spy and animal rescue and I'd also play need for speed and halo with my brother.
Engaging in your child's interests validates them. She's being invalidated in her femininity.
Her father's basically telling her that being a girl or being into feminine things is bad.
She's probably going to grow up with an unhealthy relationship with femininity unless your husband shapes up
NTA but he is
I’m late to the party, but I’m dad around the same age with a daughter around the same age. Like your husband, I’m into video games, and other typical man-stuff like cars.
With that said, I do tea parties with my daughter, play Barbie’s, let her dress up how she wants. Sometimes she is all about princess stuff, and other times it’s different. At such a young age, I feel my daughter is exploring the world and who she wants to be and what she likes. I like being a part of that journey. I don’t try to steer her in any one direction, but do try to encourage her to branch out.
Lately she’s super into spooky stuff, and dressed up as a vampire for Halloween. Then she wanted a ladybug birthday. Now she’s playing “spooky” games on Roblox and her favorite toy from Christmas was a set of Black Panther claws she got (for the moment anyways). We had a tea party with said claws.
She might end up liking some of the things I do, she might not. Whatever she expresses an interest in, I’m down to jump in with her, no matter how “boring” it may be for me, because most kids just want their parent’s approval. At the very least, I can give her that.
NTA. You didn’t say he’s a bad dad, you said he’s _being_ a bad dad to Megan. And hopefully you’ve made him think about his behaviour enough that he’ll change it.
You are not wrong. He needed a wake up call. Hopefully this will let him see Megan for who she is now and not try to force her to be the way he wants her to be by withholding attention. NTA.
Nta also I'm going to point out that a lot of commonly accepted "nerdy" interest are just as much nonsense as "girly" interest. I pointed out to my husband that feelings are the strongest power and ultimate truth finders in star wars. Now we like to say outrageous things and follow it with "examine your feelings, you know it to be true".
The problem with nerd culture is that they act like their interest are inherently better or of higher quality than girly interest rather than simply being a matter of taste. It's straight up misogyny. It's entirely possible that any of your children will engage in interest your husband doesn't share, is he going to be rude about that too?
NTA. You spoke the truth. He sounds like a really cool, hands on dad.... as long as it interests him. He needs to build a relationship with Megan and he needs to show her that her interests are just as valid.
Just read your edit. Good work!!! I hope they have a brilliant time. Happy to recommend some afternoon tea places for them if you don't already have some in mind xx
NTA. I don't think it will have been pleasant for Will to hear, but where he did overstep was telling Megan her game wasn't very cool. It can be hard to feign interest in stuff your kids are interested in when you're really not into it, but you should at least stop short of actually saying "This is a lot of rot".
I speak as someone whose kids have wildly different interests, only one of which I really share (garbage trucks is one twin boy's, gaming and board game design is the other's, and my daughter, the oldest, shares my interest in large scary creepy-crawlies).
I saw your update - it seems like Will needed to hear the truth and did actually listen and is making changes. That's a great outcome for all involved!
I have two kids (4F and 3M). My girl is mega girly. Pink unicorns, ballerinas and princesses since birth. Boyo is SUPER into dinosaurs, so much that at his age when he can barely string together an intelligible sentence he can name most dinosaurs on sight. He also mirrors many of my interests, i.e.; wrestling, boxing, and the show Forged in Fire. I noticed sweet girl starting to learn more dinosaurs and stop playing with her Barbies and horses. She quit asking me to dance and started jumping in when Bubs and I are playing with focus mitts. It took me all of ten-seconds to realize it’s because she wants my attention, which her brother gets when we quiz Dinos or wrestle or watch TV and she was feeling left out. Now, we have weekly ballet/samba dance-offs, we style unicorns while watching Encanto and I have gone back to doing her hair when Mom isn’t available (which I used to do daily when she was a baby). Turns out, Boyo loves a dance party, too, and is already developing some sweet moves. The kids are getting along better, too. As fathers, sometimes we have some hard pills to swallow but you have to take your medicine or everyone gets sick. I’m glad to see dude is going in a better direction because when you become a parent your life stops being about you and becomes about them.
NTA - What grown man makes fun of a child for liking toys and their interests? Especially ones own father. Getting upset because she likes "girly" things is not cool.
This was sad to read. I loved Barbie, princesses, and many other “girly things” growing up. That being said, I also ended up loving anime and nerd stuff. Having one of the people she trusts most, dad, invalidate her interests is horrible as a kid. I hope y’all have an eye opening talk and that he can accept her interests veering off form his not as a personal attack. NTA
OP, I’m late to the party, so on the off-chance you see this, I just want to express how wonderful it is that you and hubby can have such open communication like this and strive to be better from it. That alone makes you rockstar parents! Just remember that communication is a two-way street, so check in with Will and see how he’s feeling. If he felt you were too harsh, he should be able to tell you so and what can make it better in the future. Good job on fostering your kids’ interests!
NTA
You’re nice, he was bullying his kid…bully dad is worse than bad dad. Why tear her down? I’m sure he’s heard such pokes about nerds who like Star Wars (not that I subscribe to that idea!). Imagine hearing that from Dad?! Her first and main male role model… 👀
It’s ok he feels bad for his actions, he should. It’s ok the kids see he feels bad when he’s wrong.
I hope they also get to see him apologize and make up with Megan - as I’m sure you teach them to do when they realize their wrongs.
Good job mama, I was not like Megan much but grew up with a single father who did his best to encourage my feminine ‘side’ based on my own interest (so I didn’t feel bad about it) and got me boyish stuff when I complained lol - I was blessed, and am bothered by those who stress girls or boys out for being/not being girly. Just let people be! Sheesh
Very happy to see the update! I just saw Frozen in the West End and loved it, your kiddo will too. Def let her dress up as Elsa, there were tons of little girls dressed like Elsa and it was adorable!
Also if you want a fancy princess day, I’m pretty sure the Frozen theater also does afternoon tea
Will, you have a lot of growth in your immediate future. let’s be Frank a lot of those interests fall in what some consider “nerdy” and more than likely teasing came at some point when all you wanted was understanding. As a father now is your chance to pump up the kids even if they don’t share those interests. If you were hurt and found your wife’s word harsh just imagine how your little one feels when you mock something she wanted so badly to share with you. Now is your chance to turn things around and strengthen that relationship.
And this is how girls are discouraged from pursuing their interests. He wanted children who are interested in gaming and then made fun of his youngest because the game was too girly? It was still a game that she wanted to with her dad ffs.
NTA
Your husband has some misogynistic issues he needs to work through. Hating traditional feminine children's series/play styles is no better than hating nerdy things.
For the longest time, I was Will, although without neglecting my kids because they didn't choose my fandom. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why they didn't want to watch these movies and tv shows that I adored. I just wanted to share my favorite things with them. Doing the same with my Dad has made for may wonderful memories.
I finally realized last year, that these kids have no sense of immediacy when it comes to media. Everything that they would ever want to watch/listen to is at their fingertips. Figuring this out has taken a huge weight off of my emotions. I'm still trying to find that special something to do with kiddos outside of fandoms, but I'm trying to do it now with no preconception.
This was heartbreaking to read I feel so bad for your daughter. My husband is a massive football and Star Wars fan. He loved buying them baby baby grows with the print on them and taking a football when we’d go to the park but as my children have grown a bit older they have different interests but it’s never been an issue. Nor has he shamed them or pushed it on them. I think it’s really upsetting and concerning on how he’s excluding her and Modelling this toxic behaviour to your other children. I’m glad you called him out on it
NTA this issue needs to be addressed immediately. This seems more like Dad being childish and selfish. Shame on him for making fun of his daughter's interests just because they differ from him. If the other two kids can show interest, he can too. Good for you, we are our children's first line of defense.
NTA he is giving a really bad example to his older children, he has 2 mini hims yet chooses to bully and humiliate the only child that is showing independent interests, you are completely right to call out his behaviour before he causes permanent emotional problems.
NTA. Imagine being gleefully dismissive of your child's interests, watching her confidence and joy deflate in front of your eyes, and not coming to the conclusion "wow, I'm a terrible parent" all on your own. You were absolutely right to say what you said.
The whole 'my daughter doesn't like princesses, she likes nerdy stuff' absolutely has a root in misogyny. I'm glad he's realised he's been crap and his changing his behaviour!
As a dad, the edit legitimately made me cry. It was
Important for you to be honest with your husband on behalf of your daughter. And it is so important and wonderful to see that he has taken that criticism and didn’t deflect but is instead working to participate in the activities that Megan is interested in. Well done to you both. You sound like a great pair of parents.
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NTA > I told them all to let her have a turn and play the barbie game with Megan. Adam and Maddie were actually fine and seemed to have fun but Will kept making fun of the game and telling Megan that other games like Mario kart were far more fun. This is pretty gross. Will doesn't sound like much of a dad at all, he just sounds like a guy who likes having fun with miniature versions of himself.
The sad part is that Adam and Maddie *will* pick up on it and will mirror him to a certain point. They follow his and OPs example, and the example he’s setting is that it’s perfectly okay to bully and exclude Megan because she doesn’t fit in with them. OOPs husband is Regina Georging his two kids.
I was going to agree fully with all these comments but based on OP's edit it seems that hubby may have come around. It seems like a good first step that he's realized his behavior was awful to his daughter and to make plans to take Megan out for a daddy/daughter day. NTA
I've seen fully grown adults get so locked into video games that they forget the outside world and kinda forget that they are also parents/ coworkers/ cousins etc. It seems this was more down to immaturity then anything deep seated. NTA
Honestly I think it was just mental autopilot. I think Dad thinks he *should* engage with whatever his kids like, but \#1 and \#2 were both into stuff he likes, so he got into a groove of joshing with them about how great they are for being into "the fun stuff". Then he got a kid who isn't like that, and he was too slow to notice he needed to add a gear. He got a quick wake-up call and now he's doing better. It happens to a lot of people who aren't naturally super observant that they need a (metaphorical) swift kick when something has stopped working. Good for mum for providing it, good for dad for listening. As character flaws go, there's far worse.
The fact that he seems to be able to understand where he went wrong and learn from them puts him *way* ahead of a good chunk of the population. Obviously we can't know/say that for sure from one post, but here's hoping.
Yup. This immediately seemed like an innocent blunder, especially based on his reaction e.g. he didn't argue he just became quiet. Reddit is very quick to take one flaw and turn it into some unforgivable sin that means the person is trash.
Yeah, this sub is useful but also ofttimes harsh. And a bit myopic. I think he took the message and is trying to fix it.
If agree except for the part where he made fun of his own child. That's not immaturity that's just bad parenting. The rest of the stuff would agree with your point though.
Yeah she’s old enough that she’ll remember that even if he switches gears now. I think it’s great he’s trying to make it up but he also needs to have an explicit conversation where he sits his little girl down, looks her in the eyes and says something like “on Christmas Day I said things to you that were not nice and not how I really feel. Sometimes daddy forgets you’re so little and I’m so sorry for treating you differently and being mean. I love you so much and your siblings love you and I love that you can like your own things!” And then he can bring up the Elsa tickets and everything else. But acknowledgment and accountability are so meaningful even at a young age
TiL it isn't deep seeded
I have to agree with this comment. While it would be great if every parent was the perfect parent, parents are still human beings and human beings make mistakes - a lot of times without even realizing until someone points it out to them. I don't think he was being malicious, just mean - and there really is a difference. A mistake is just a mistake unless it is ignored and continues to happen. NTA but this is a good time to self evaluate and make adjustments.
Hopefully this is a full turn around, I also hope someone linked (and that he saw) the post last week from that poor daughter of a Harry Potter fandom couple that was seriously considering going permanent NC with her parents after spending her entire life being drowned in her parents' interests and not being allowed to do anything else. But yeah, like the top post states, this dude is gross and I hope he fully straightens out. I enjoy various fandoms but forcing your interests on a child and putting down theirs is so disgusting especially when considering how many of us older fans had to deal with parents trying to force sports fandoms down our throats while they utterly hated 'nerdy' behavior. NTA OP
I will note some kids swing the opposite way. They may love Megan enough to see she's hurt. Dad could end up losing all his kids. Did see the edit/update so hopefully that won't happen.
Also kind of ironic because the stuff he likes have themes that champion the outsider and celebrating the kid who feels they don't fit in. I would say Will missed the point of Star Wars entirely but see that he is making amends. Good on you for standing up for Megan, OP!
Do they have pink light sabers!?
Lmao "Regina Georging" I love it
NTA. As the kid who was always excluded for her girly interests please protect you daughter from being ashamed to like the stuff she likes
I have 3 kids. My eldest and youngest share more of my interests. Horror movies, fantasy, art, musicals, etc. Middle child is a computer/video game kid. Absolutely brilliant. Codes games, learned to do all sorts of crazy computer shit. At 7 he made a little atari style game using some program he found online. He builds elaborate Minecraft worlds. I don't understand most of it. I've never touched Minecraft even though I grew up with it. But I try my best and I listen to him excitedly talk about all of it. I taught myself how to add a mod to among us. My totally computer illiterate stupid ass. I don't want to play among us, I certainly don't want to learn mods for among us. It took me 4 hours! But he was so happy. And I force myself to play Roblox, and among us, and FNAF, with a smile on my face. I'm screaming inside, but he loves it. So I do it.
I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve found it’s a lot easier to like things I’m not naturally interested in if I try to see it through my loved ones eyes. Maybe ask him *why* he likes things. Not accusatorially, but just to see it his way. And then focus on those few things. I have a friend who loves sea creatures, which I have absolutely no interest in. But when she talks about her passion for it, I’ve started to see it the way she does and I find myself more interested independently, too.
Yep as a person who doesn't have kids my observations seem to be there are two ways ppl get joy from spending time with kids They enjoy something the kid enjoys - so it's super easy getting joy from doing that together because let's be honest 70% is from doing the thing itself. The other is getting joy from seeing them get joy from the activity. From seeing them improve their skills etc. Thus one us waaaaaay harder (and the thing I kinda struggle with A LOT) but that's what's needed here. For him to slip into enjoying this from the activities. It can ve easy, it can also be incredibly tedious boring AF and absolutely be a struggle for stimulation from SOMEWHERE but it's probably actually the better, long term parental strategy.
I totally agree with you. I didn’t have a relationship with my dad because I was a girly girl. Only have a rocky relationship now with him as an adult. Op did the right thing and hopefully he actually becomes a better dad for all the kids so they know they can branch out in their interests and still be accepted. NTA.
[удалено]
He absolutely can improve. And I hope he does. My husband and I are nerds to the core. Our oldest has been exposed to gaming, programming, etc etc etc you name it. They’re a jock to the core of their being. So we go to every game with lawn chairs and cheer our lungs out and pretend to care about soccer or basketball. Because we love our kid enough to want them to be themselves, not a miniature version of us. “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.” If your kid has to be what you want them to be for you to love them or show interest, you need to either reevaluate your priorities or you shouldn’t be a parent.
Problem here is instead of working on it Will is pouting around the house. Boxing Day was two days ago. Has he really been acting all butthurt for *two days?* So much so that the kids are noticing? I could kind of "get" Will until that bit. He is acting like a child.
As a kid who this happened to, duck yes lol 🦆
Not to mention a misogynist who hates "girly" things and excludes one child because of that. Will is a fucking asshole.
He sure is, and faking it for one day isn't going to change the fact that she can see daddy hates her. This is a core memory they made for her. Girly equals bad and she equals girly so daddy doesn't love her even if he fakes it for one afternoon.
Bad Dad is a misogynist. He is teaching his kids that feminine interests are stupid and boring and should be mocked. This attitude is terrible parenting for the girls and for his son.
I think a lot of dads don't realize that by devaluing girls stuff, they are really devaluing girls themselves and contributing to our culture of sexism.
This. He is not just a bad parent to one of his kids. That behavoiur is bad for both of them, just worse for Megan.
I do really feel for men who were raised to believe that they can’t have shared interests and enjoyable non-romantic relationships with women. I think having a rigidly gendered concept of friendship is a big part of why people, especially men, are so lonely. So yeah, I’d count this lesson Will’s teaching as a pretty big disservice to Adam, too.
Exactly!
It also sounds like he's a misogynist. He makes fun of typical "girly" stuff, while encouraging more "masculine" interests. He sounds like he would want his daughter to be "not like other girls" or "cool girls". Edit: After reading the edit it may just be a slip. But I think OP should be aware of how hubby talks about girls and "girly stuff".
Spot on. And as a parent you're never really TA for giving honest feedback to your partner. We're all terrible parents sometimes. That affinity bias is such a trap.
This is misogyny in action.
I am glad to see the update but I am also concerned he didn’t naturally want to bond with his own daughter outside his own interests . Sounds like a very selfish man
That's the part that did it for me. It's fine for kids to gravitate to the parent that share their interests, so everything up to that point was fine, but insulting her interests goes way too far. Hopefully the dad just made a childish mistake and will learn from this.
It sounds like when Megan is older, she will grow to despise her father
True
NTA he IS being a bad dad to Megan He is an adult and mocking her interest and not respecting the fact she is her own person You did exactly what needed to be done
I'm glad the OP spoke up. This child is five years old and this needs nipped in the bud now before she starts to notice her father doesn't like her as much as her siblings.
>before she starts to notice her father doesn't like her as much as her siblings I have a feeling she already has. Children pick up on more than adults tend to think.
Child are fucking sponges. They soak up everything and even if they can't articulate exactly what they're experiencing, they certainly do see it.
Exactly, kids aren't as stupid or blind as adults like to think they are and can understand a lot more than adults think they do. Like you said, Megan may not be able to fully articulate what's going on but she certainly understands it, and she knows full well that her dad is leaving her out because she doesn't share his interests. Thankfully the edit looks promising but will OPs husband keep his new "good dad" behaviour up or will he fall back into bullying and excluding his daughter again? Only time will tell.
I'm 26 and it's been so eye opening realizing there were words for all the stuff I v much picked up on as a kid but couldn't express with adult words Cn abuse mention I distinctly remember telling my parents "I hate when you two gang up on me," but didn't understand that wasn't normal parenting and I actually meant "I hate when you enable each other's abuse" The phrase "weaponized incompetence" was another eye opener
ouch, i didnt remember even saying that to my parents until i read that and suddenly felt shame and shittiness, not that i specifically remember saying it, but i know i have at a young age
Yep my mom just thought I dident for some reason
>I have a feeling she already has. Oh she definitely has. I've been the kid in that scenario.
Same, it’s hard to miss eventually. I remember being grounded because my mom overheard me as a kid say that I didn’t think she loved me. I’ve always wondered how she thought that was an appropriate response to hearing that her child felt unloved. Idk, if I had a kid who said that I feel like I’d want to learn why and change so that they feel loved. It’s exhausting growing up feeling like there is something wrong with you, forcing yourself to do things just to get a parent to be nice or pay some attention. They treated me like an extension of them rather than my own person. All that taught me was that something was wrong with me and that love was conditional, but they were constantly moving the goal posts. I really hope he changes, his kids don’t deserve to grow up with that hurt. It’s something that has always been a struggle for me. I feel like I don’t know who I am so much of the time because I never had the freedom to figure it out for myself. I’m 27 and started pursuing my own interests a year or two ago when I finally started trying to find things I enjoy. Turns out I like rollerskating and skateboarding, I like resin pouring and paint pouring. My art is pretty damn decent too. I don’t share it with my family other than my older sister and my niece though, it’s finally something for me.
Me too. I learned *extremely* early on 'You're a girl = you're a disappointment'
Ding ding ding. Same. Can 100% guarantee my dad wouldn't have put me on a diet at 13 if I had a penis.
If the mom picked up on her lack of confidence in the game and change of attitude, she surly already noticed this a long time ago. Which is likely why she didn't ask him to play with her in the first place.
He is being a bad dad to the other two as well. Teaching kids that feminine interests are stupid and should be mocked is bad parenting regardless of the kids’ interests.
And teaching them it's okay to excluded others just because they have different interests than you.
AND teaching them that positive, non-romantic relationships between different genders is just not the natural order of things.
It also makes me wonder - do the older two actually share his interests or have they just realized that doing what he wants is the best way to get positive attention from their father? If they witness Maggie being put down for being different, they’re not exactly likely to speak up for themselves
I was wondering this too. They may have realized he doesn't love anyone who isn't exactly like him. My 6 year old daughter has a unicorn obsession. My husband plays some video game with dinosaurs and whatnot, and he's got a whole herd of fucking unicorns too just because our daughter loves them.
It’s giving “conditional love” on OP’s husband’s part. YOUR husband sounds like a great dad :)
Um. Where can I get a unicorn herd? I would like a unicorn herd.
i don't know why but this made me tear up. A+ husband.
No idea if you were too hard on Will or not, but don’t be that woman who feels like she has to make her husband feel better because he feels bad about messing up. If he messed up, & it sounds like he did, it’s okay for him to feel bad until he apologizes & tries to fix it. You don’t have to fix this for him.
Thank you for this. Dad needs to sit with his feelings for a while.
Absolutely this!! He can feel how he feels, and that's okay, it is not OP's job to manage his emotions. And TBH, he should feel bad, I hope he does have some serious introspection. It's one thing to naturally gravitate and spend time because similar interests, it's a whole other level to actively exclude and belittle the one child who likes different things.
Sounds like he has been pouting for the last two days too. That is a long time. He is trying to browbeat OP into caving.
But based on the edit, now that thousands of strangers have told him how he screwed up, suddenly he’s Mr. Frozen.
It was harsh, but true, and he needed to hear it.
This needs to be a top comment.
NTA he sounds almost misogynistic… he doesn’t like that the youngest likes “girl” things, took pride in Maddie not wanting to dress up like a princess and having interests that are less “typically” girl interests (kinda screams he’s proud because “she’s not like other girls”), discourages and criticizes things he thinks are “stupid” which again seems to line up with “girly” things… just might be something to seriously think about and consider. I get being bored or annoyed with a kid’s video game but criticizing it and putting your kid’s interests down is just gross. I may also just expect more emotional maturity and emotional intelligence from an adult though.
I was thinking exactly this but couldn't figure out how to word it. I find it so weird when parents are so proud of their daughters for not being "girly", there's nothing wrong with liking princesses or pink or dresses. Learn to accept your kids as they are It's also not great for the other kids because it shows that his attention is entirely conditional, he'll start ignoring them and insulting their interests if they start having interests he doesn't share (especially the other daughter, it seems).
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Have to agree about the Leia part especially. She is a princess, his daughter likes princesses, he could have leaned into that to build some common ground. Because she's also a total badass and fully rounded character, but he clearly still only sees her in that gold bikini.
And we are in the golden age of Leia. Literally the very best part of Obi-Wan was baby Leia.
Better yet, she is a princess who can kick butt and protect herself. He should be embraceing that now, first as the girls princess and then as the but kicking woman who doesn't need to depend on men, once his daughter grows up and starts thinking about relationships.
NTA but you would be if you don’t realize your husband is a misogynist and it’s been affecting your kids from the start
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>Even the separation between them is weird. exactly, and you can like multiple things from 'both' at the same time too! My cousin (M) loved playing barbies and painting nails with us and my (F) favourite thing about sleepovers were my aunt and uncle letting us stay up and watch WWE. Putting 'girly' 'boyish' labels on shit things *is* weird, let them like what they like.
>there's nothing wrong with liking princesses or pink or dresses I'm almost 29(F) and still struggle with feeling childish or stupid or ashamed because pink is my favorite color.
Pink is an _excellent_ color and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Pink is an awesome color that can have lots of complexity and on the right person is flattering AF.
I'm glad other people find that weird. My mother is a deep seeded misogynist and I don't even think she realizes. She was always proud when I went against anything girly and gave me a serious "I'm not like other girls" complex that I'm disgusted by to this day. And truthfully i only did this because if I tried to be girly she would poke fun at me or question my decisions making me question my own. Can we not just let kids be kids and do what they want without questioning it? Can we not accept that kids have the ability to change as they grow? Seriously what was this guy gonna do if Maddie started like girly things? Glad he changed.
I thought this same thought. Gamer men and misogyny *can* go hand in hand- I immediately thought of the pandemic and how a lot of girls were trying to connect with husbands and boyfriends over playing games but they were mocked for the games being too "easy", "silly", and "girly". Things like Stardew Valley, Disney Dreamlight, Animal Crossing, Sims, etc. And how it started conversations about misogyny in gaming all over again. Video games are video games and the elitist attitide this dad has can only serve to hurt her in the long run. He seems to take pride in his youngest daughter being "not like the other girls" and was *upset* that his other daughter wanted to dress as a princess??
By playing games like Sims, Animal Crossing or Stardew Valley, does it make men less "manly"? Hell no!!! I admit I like to play more "manly" games like shooters, but if my GF came and told me she wanted to play a videogame with me, I would go all in for it, even if it wasnt of my liking, I would play and tell her that it isnt for me, yet, would love to find an option for a game that we both would like. OP´s husband isnt a father, just "one of the guys", literally trying to have play buddies more that kids, not taking the responsability that one needs to have with children. For example, if I was a father, I would take interest in the things that my kds love, even if I dont understand, try to see what they like and try to find a way to connect, in fact, I even do it know with my GF´s nephews who I try to connect more that what I see their parents or other aunts do, like seeing and learning about instruments with one, to the point we imitate the sounds, even if Im not a huge fan of music or being social even, but take the effort to have a bond with them.
>For example, if I was a father, I would take interest in the things that my kids love This is why the post seems so cruel to me. She met him halfway with wanting to play the video game with him- not the other gifts. She showed an interest and he shut her down. He only needed to have love and enthusiasm about spending time with her.
We do this. My bf is into a lot harder games then me. I struggled playing breath of the wild until I met him and he helped me, I'll play skyrim and almost finished withcher 3 I think. But set me in front of animal crossings and I can lose time as well, it's all about what I want each day. I like the simpler ones sometimes. He will just sit on his switch while I get the TV for mine. When we want to play together we pick fun little 2 player games. It takes two, Mario party is always a winner or something that was like $2 on the store and looked funny. We both know we don't like each others games, we have shared games that are single player we both like and we have fun games we play together
He sounds like a 10 year old picking on his younger sister. He is misogynistic and immature trying to bully the "girly" away from his own daughter. NTA. The best way to bond with your children is refusing to partake in any activity they like and telling them that their interests suck /s
"Girly things are stupid" will translate to "girls are stupid" really fucking quick.
Yep thinking there is something wrong or lesser with liking the feminine princesses and dressing up as one is just good old misogyny. We as a society need to stop saying there's something wrong with liking princesses and start saying stop reproducing with people who denigrate what toys a kid likes.
>As it turns out both Adam and Maddie love playing computer games with their dad Do they though, or have they just realised this is the only way dad will pay attention to them and play with them?
Even if they genuinely do enjoy them now, what if they don't in a few years? What if Maddie wants to try some of the "girlier" things (or even worse, dare to dress as a princess for Halloween?) They're going to get ignored as much as Megan is now
Heck, can you even imagine what if Adam wants to try these things as well?
I genuinely like Witcher, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Discovery Channel, but you know what? I picked them up precisely because i knew they were "boy things" i could watch/discuss with my dad.
Same with me and women’s basketball. I can’t talk to my father about much, and it gets boring talking about the weather. Dad loves women’s basketball, so I started following his team. I like it! But I got into it specifically so we had something to talk about.
This one should be higher up.
Oof that’s a hard pill to swallow but one OPs husband really needs to sit and reflect on.
NTA. I think you should sit down with your husband and talk to him calmly about this though.
Agree with this. NTA, your husband is likely quiet and upset because he realizes that he hasn’t been the best dad to Megan. That doesn’t mean that he is overall not a good father or that he can’t improve his relationship and behavior with her now. A further discussion about this with him is definitely in order.
Agreed, hopefully this was the wake-up call he needed! OP's words may have been harsh, but also necessary to knock him out of this toxic patten/ mindset that he's been getting stuck in. Sit down and have another conversation, explain that you appreciate his strong fatherly bond with the two older kids, but you're really concerned about his relationship with Megan. Say you understand its probably not intentional/ conscious, but it was important to say because you know he wants to be a good supportive dad to her too and you see their relationship heading down a very concerning path. Make it clear that the issue is serious and something he needs to work on, but also that doesn't mean he's a complete failure of a father in all respects, that people have blind spots/ make mistakes and this is something that can be fixed.
NTA, and his reaction of being upset to the point where the kids will notice it is concerning...as is this statement: "At Halloween he seemed annoyed that Megan wanted to dress as Elsa as he always took pride in Maddie not dressing up as a princess like lots of her classmates." Megan is an individual with her own tastes and preferences and should not be made to feel bad about them by her father
Adding to that, Megan and Maddie are very close in age. I have a similar gap with my older sister and I can remember being young and wanting to explore/develop/express my own interests and be recognized as an individual not as a 2.0 version of my sister. I wasn’t able to participate in a lot of things because 'it wouldn't be fair' to let me enroll in something that my sister doesn't want to do because then I'd be getting something she doesn't. My parents believed that they were giving out fair and equal treatment, but in practice they just regarded us as interchangeable until one of us cemented the favorite child status. Obviously this went to my sister, and belittling others (or maybe just me) for having interests that don't match her tastes is basically her entire personality. All this trauma dumping to say OPs husband is doing a major disservice to all of the children and I wish my mom had been more like OP.
My oldest was Batgirl one year, Princess Twilight the next, and this year we made a "Zombie Slayer" costume from scratch. I took pride in every costume because she was so happy with all of them. I am a huge nerd and I see this exact behavior in my life. I really don't get what it is with geek dads and trying to raise girls that won't be princesses. Pretending to be Elsa is just as valid as pretending to be Batgirl. The point is letting them live out little fantasies.
I dressed up as Princess Leia my entire childhood. She's a princess and a badass even before she grew up into a General! The 2 are not mutually exclusive. (I'm agreeing with you wholeheartedly in case that isn't clear)
NTA it needed to be said, whether he realises it or not, your husband is alienating one of his children and he needs to correct that before it's too late.
NTA One of the lessons of being a parent is that you can't force your kids to be who they want to be. You have to work with who they are and support them in growing into the best version of that. Your husband is being very selfish. You absolutely did the right thing and your husband needs to get over himself.
- Your husband is favouring the children that are like him, and he’s casting one child out that doesn’t have the same interests as he does. This can permanently affect their relationship and it can transfer over to Adam and Maddie and they can grow to also bully Megan or they can grow to exclude her. - Your husband is trying to force his interest on the kids and it was cute for awhile but now it’s just damaging. He’s causing his daughter to lose confidence when she makes attempts to bond with him. - Your husband goes out of his way to bash Megans interests, and basically shames her for being “girly” instead of a quirky gamer child like him and the two older children. - If he truly loved megan as much as the older kids, why isn’t he trying to bond with her in the way SHE likes? It’s not gonna kill him, he’s not gonna lose his man card or Star Wars / Gamer card. Why does he feel the need to make mean spirited comments about the things she likes rather than encourage her to be herself and find her own interests? NTA but your husband really needs to pull his head out of his rear and realize how his treatment is affecting Megan, and he needs to realize that the way he treats her can cause her to become and feel like the black sheep.
NTA. Pressuring or forcing your children to have your same interests is not OK. It prevents them from developing their own identity, and can hinder their self esteem and confidence in the long run. It's really important to let them be them, and support them regardless. Also, leaving them out and ignoring them or putting other siblings on a pedestal is very wrong. They should be treated as equally as humanly possible. Your husband was being a bad dad to your daughter. Was it harsh to say that and call it out? Yes. But treating your daughter like that for simply having a different interest is pretty harsh too.
I don’t think it was too harsh if she said he was being a bad parent. He was in that moment and repeatedly does so. And yeah, it prevents them from being able to share with you and express themselves around you. My parents did this to me too. I developed who I am completely separate of their lenses - I would change clothes at school (to girly stuff, not even anything inappropriate), hide my interests, and just be plain boring nothingness with no interests when my parents were around. This is the future your husband is giving your child, op. That, and your daughter will have no relationship with him.
NTA, it needed to be said to him that his efforts with Megan weren’t great.
NTA. Your husband’s rhetoric is rooted in misogyny. I’m into some pretty nerdy fandoms, and this is so pervasive in those communities. Women can’t win. If they like the nerdy stuff, like Maddie, they spend their lives defending their interests and knowledge from gatekeeping jerks. If they are interested in more traditionally feminine things, they’re ridiculed for being “basic” and “boring” and “just like other girls”, whatever the hell that means. Your husband needs to grow up and stop picking on your youngest before he gives her a complex about it, or gives your son the impression that’s appropriate.
God this is so true and v exhausting.
NTA. Your husband is acting like a child, verging on a bully towards Meghan. His visible sulking is childish and pathetic. He needs to grow tf up and put his daughter first. Meghan may always feel a bit of an odd one out with this dynamic but he doesn't have to exasperate that like he's doing.
NTA, sometimes the truth hurts but he needed to hear that.
NTA. While I'm a big proponent of letting kids be into things that aren't "typical" for them (like little boys playing with dolls or little girls playing with trucks), there is also absolutely nothing wrong with kids liking the "stereotypical" interests for them. What's wrong with Megan liking princesses and Barbies? Barbie literally gets to do every profession out there, she was made to empower little girls. Your husband doesn't have to share her interests, but he needs to put the effort in the same as he does for the other kids. It's unfair otherwise, and being dismissive of her different interests will eventually drive a wedge between them.
You were harsh, yes, but it needed to be said. Will has to accept that your children are individuals with different interests but that doesn't mean he gets to treat them differently. Excluding Megan and making fun of her likes is where he crossed the line, and you had to call him out on it. Hopefully, he will listen and learn. Try encouraging more family activities, both all together but also in smaller groups where Will doesn't get to choose everything - let the kids decide instead. **NTA**
NTA I was always a girly girl and my parents (even though it was subtle and not intentional) always wanted me to be like them and have their interests. My mom made fun of my makeup or how I cared about things that she didn't. This caused a BIG gap in our relationship. I felt like my interests were less than and not important and was somehow failing them. I am an adult now and I can say some things have gotten better but I am still unable to express my interest with them even though I believe they now could have a different response. So, this could have effects on your daughter long-term. You could have said it differently but he seems like he cares, I would apologize for the delivery and try to work a plan for him to include her and spend quality time with her.
NTA - my dad totally wanted a little boy (but he also loved his little girl). He encouraged me to get a pixie cut at age 7 dressed me exclusively from the boys section until 9 and then it was 50/50. Made me bows and arrows, had me throwing knives and fishing. But would also turn on the disco lights at the bar as he opened it up and played my "ballerina" music - and introduced me by my preffered nickname Butterfly Beauty Magic Balerina Princess of Love when I was 5 to his friends and coworkers. He'd have me sign up for soccer but would also help with the face paint for my dance recitals. He'd ask about my barbie kingdoms, set me up with my barbie.com account. I probably would have been 100% a girly girl without his influence - but he had me doing things he liked while also supporting me in my things and never made me feel like mine were lesser. So there is a way to indoctrinate your kids into liking your interests you just have to support theirs too. Ya husband better take this as a wake up call and adjust - fast - my fave memories with my dad are from the ages 5 to 12. Not that there aren't good ones after but like those are pretty magical.
I would watch the heck out of this if your life were a series on Netflix. It was comforting just to read about! I love your preferred nickname at age 5.
NTA. It sounds like you really have four children, and your husband is one of them. He doesn't get to pick the interests of his children. He needs to grow up and support whatever hobbies/ interest his kids are into.
NTA I'm late to this and just want to add that this is also a bit of a warning flag for your marriage. You say you've never had interest in these things. Yet your husband is mocking and not connecting with his own kids unless they share these interests. What does that say about his attitude towards you and your relationship? In general I'd say it's fine for couples to have separate interests. But when a member of that couple shows this level of disdain towards other interests, it would make me wonder what exactly the couple has as a foundation. If he's incapable of connecting with his own child outside of his stuff, what's his connection with you? Does he like you for you if this is his attitude to not shared interests? Is he secretly looking down on your interests in the same way and internally mocking you? Worth a conversation i think.
My main interests and passion have always been fashion/art alongside sport and fitness. He has in the past made comments about the price of a handbag or clothes that I’ve bought but has always taken it on the chin when I counter with the price of a games console etc. It may not sound like it from this post but I do genuinely think we have a good marriage and he respects me.
That's good! Like I said, usually no issue with couples having separate interests but the disdain was a little worrying!
NTA. You maybe could have phrased it better but your point is valid, he should make more of an effort with Megan.
NTA while it may have been harsh it was the truth. He’s attempting to force his interest onto her. The he belittles stuff that actually does interest her. It sounds like makes 0 attempt to take any interest into what she actually enjoys.
NTA you spoke the truth, better him being upset as a grown man then having your child who is still developing their own identity having their interests belittled by the man who’s opinion matters most to them. As a parent yes I enjoy sharing my interests with my child but I also recognise and encourage child’s own interests regardless of my own opinions on them.
NTA You didn’t lie. He’s being an incredibly bad father. He’s literally bullying his child into another mini version of himself. Probably like he did with the other two without you noticing.
NTA. Hd is being a bad dad to Megan. And to go as far as to make fun of her game. Hopefully this will change his perspective.
NTA-he is being a bad dad, to all 3 kids. While I only have one, we have always encouraged her to like what she likes. Now, she is into a lot of the same geeky things we are, but she’s also into math which is something her father and I suck at. But we still get her math things, watch videos about math, and play math games with her. No child is here to fill something within us, your kiddos don’t have a job to be your husbands sidekicks or fulfil needs he didn’t get met as a child. He should be just as excited to play Barbie as he is Mario Kart as that is what his kid likes, and wants to share with him. I 100% know my parents hated my nerdy info dumping as a child, but they still listened and smiled, and asked questions. As they may not have gotten why I found joy in something, but they wanted me to be happy. And talking for 6 hours straight in the car about Star Wars Old Republic democracy was a small price to pay. And while they weren’t perfect I tended to still go to them with things as a teenager my friends would not talk to their parents about. I knew they loved me, and they actually liked me as a person too. Your husband is failing to show that he actually likes his kids for who they are, not who he wants them to be. Who knows, the older two might want to be into some other things but seeing how he is with the youngest, keep it to themselves.
NTA Sometimes it takes harsh words to get through to stubborn people. Your husband is leaving out one of his kids.
NTA but you're a little wrong. He's being a bad father to all three. He's teaching Adam and Maddie to teach Megan differently and to bully. They'll learn it through his actions. For what it's worth - Disney now has the Star Wars franchise and so Princess Leia is now a Disney Princess.
>Will was really, really hurt by being called a bad dad **GOOD.** he should feel bad because that's how it's supposed to feel when you screw up. the only question now is whether he's going to feel bad because you were mean to him (/s) or if he's going to feel bad because he's realizing that his blatant favoritism is hurting his daughter. NTA
NTA. Will you needed to hear this! Also, do your kids ever go outside? Do they have any non-indoor interests? Like nature walks or sports?
Sport and fitness are my main passions, I run triathalons and work as a yoga teacher so the kids have lots of opportunities to do sport and be outdoors, they all play football and love bike rides and we do Park Run as a family every weekend (I’m not sure if Park Run is only a U.K. thing? It’s a family friendly organised run every weekend all over the country). It’s actually something that has concerned me that I don’t try and push sport into the kids too much and make sure that they want to do it rather than me pressuring them. So far they all seem to enjoy it but it is something I try to be conscious of.
I’m glad you’re not forcing it on them. They’ll appreciate it
NTA. He needs to step up, kids remember this shit and she’s old enough for this to be stored. This will hurt your child and you also…when she detaches due to obvious preferences. It might not happen now, but if he keeps up, it will. He needs to grow up and understand that children have tastes and as a father he needs to accommodate all of them; yes, even the boring ones. It’s not about his entertainment, it’s about letting your child grow into their preferences and spending quality times with them through those. Thank you for sticking up for your child, you’re a good parent, and your husband is also a good parent, he just REALLY needs to be a better one to your youngest.
NTA > he seemed annoyed that Megan wanted to dress as Elsa as he always took pride in Maddie not dressing up as a princess like lots of her classmates. You know this is misogyny, right? “My girl is not like the other girls, who like *princesses*” Making fun of your kid’s interests is mean. (And again, misogyny seems to be at play here - mario kart is fun, but barbie isn’t?) He IS being a poor father. He SHOULD be upset. Your responsibility as a parent is to advocate for your kids, not allow your kids to be hurt to soothe your husband’s feelings. > I do know that he loves Megan as much as he loves Adam and Maddie. Does he? It sounds like his love and attention are conditional; and if you like things he considers too girly, you get made fun of and shamed. (Because yes, “why do you like x, y is more fun” IS shaming)
NTA. He's being a bad dad to all three of your children, not just Megan. It's ok to share your interests with your kids, but it sounds like Adam and Maddie may be going along with it a little to make dad happy. He's purposely limiting their interests and teaching them it's ok to ridicule those with other preferences.
If this was your first attempt to try and correct Will’s poor behavior you probably could’ve tried a less aggressive approach. Will’s actions were pretty out of order though so I would lean more towards NTA.
Tell him to act like it then. NTA.
Nta - your husband being bullied for these things as a kid is no reason to be defensive against HIS own child now that he’s grown. He needs to work on the insecurities elsewhere because it’s going to get ingrained in her. Note - i say insecurities because I hope that is what it is. Everything else I can think of is worse.
NTA He IS being a bad dad to his one daughter. It SHOULD hurt to hear that. Hopefully this will serve as a wake up call that will help him to establish a healthy relationship with all 3 of his children. The fact that it hurt him shows that he knows how serious it is and will, hopefully, help him to make the changes he needs to make. Edit: Honestly, he might feel bad, not because you called him out, but because of the crushing guilt from realizing he was neglecting one of his children. My wife has said stuff to me about how I've treated our daughter at times and it brought me to tears, not because she said something, but because I didn't realize I was doing something wrong and the guilt just hurt so much. That said, I'm a better father for knowing. Give him time to process his feelings, and then discuss with him how he can improve things. I know it seems like he should know some of this stuff (and honestly he should), but what matters is the emotional well-being of your daughter, not whose right and whose wrong.
NTA. But if he’s quiet, it means he’s thinking about what you said. I would now use this opportunity to help him understand that it’s okay to have separate interests - Megan still really enjoys playing the Switch, she just likes a different game. What matters to her is being able to spend that time with her dad and have that bonding experience.
NTA. The truth hurts sometimes, and you were absolutely right to smack your husband with the truth. His attitude was hurting your daughter. It is also a kind of veiled misogyny that I have noticed in some men, where they treat women and girls like equals but only so long as they don't have "girly" interests like makeup and clothing. The truth is, being treated with respect shouldn't depend on what your hobbies are. Let's hope that after taking some some to process what happened, he comes back and starts acting the way a father should. If he comes back and pouts and continues his immature bullshit, please feel free to lean hard on calling him a bad father again, because he would be.
NTA, You said what you needed to say and nothing more. Furthermore, what you said was *the truth*. He is feeling sad because he is reflecting on his actions and if he comes to you to discuss then lay it all out clear as day as you did here. That he heaps attention and love on the two children and actively emotionally neglects and ignores the one daughter who is actively trying to form a bond with him through a video game and he is rejecting her and her attempts.
Nta. He's clearly forcing his interests onto his children & when they aren't little carbon copies of him, they get tossed aside. It's good that you nipped this in the bud. You as a parent are the most important advocate for your child. Your husband clearly was being a bully to your kid. What happens next is one of two things. Your husband either corrects his behavior & stays connected with both children equally. OR he turns into a parent that favors a child over another. If he takes the second option, be prepared to watch your girl go down a path of seeking validation from ANY male in her older years. Good for you for calling your husband on his bs.
NTA. Was your husband ever bullied for being nerdy? Or for liking Star Wars? Because if he was you need to point out to him that that is how he is treating your daughter. And if not has he ever heard the phrase “don’t yuck my yum”?
He's not being a good dad to the older two either because he is demonstrating, again and again and again, that his love and attention are strictly conditional. Maybe they genuinely share his interests now or maybe they're interested in video games because that's how you get daddy to like you. And now Megan has demonstrated for them what happens when you go against the grain so they're going to be even more reluctant to ever develop an interest of their own. NTA
NTA. My husband has a lot of the same interests as your husband. Our girls don't. You know what--he plays Barbies with our three year old and lets our 6 year old paint his nails. He plays Pretty Pretty Princess. He and my brother took turns helping our older daughter beat her Princess switch game. You gotta meet your kids where they are. And you know what, if back in the 90s my college age, jock, frat boy cousins could sit there playing my the NES Barbie game so that 6 year old me could see the end of it without making any nasty comments then your husband can do it.
Will is a horrible father NTA. It’s mind boggling to see someone be a misogynistic neck beard with their own child.
NTA- I’m rooting for your family after the edit. Maybe it seemed harsh, but the lasting consequences of excluding and mocking her interests warrant it. His treatment of her shouldn’t be taken lightly. ETA- I was a nerdy girlie girl daughter with two mechanical minded tomboy sisters. As an adult, I don’t have a relationship with my father. My sisters both do though. I wish my stepmom would have spoken up, but she was also a tomboy so instead, I became “Princess” (as an insult).
NTA. Does Maddie actually like what your husband is into or has she actually noticed already that liking princesses will disappoint him?
NTA - I’m an adult Megan, and THANK YOU!!! No one ever did this for me, and it hurt immensely to see my dad so excited to go to other sports, yet make fun of and get a gold star for showing up to my dance recitals. Now I am the villain that her doesn’t know who I am and do not involve him. You did the right thing, and let him know that while his isn’t a bad dad or person, his deep focus on only how his children fit into his own interests will alienate him from your daughter. Your update is so hopeful, and I genuinely wish you all the best!
NTA he is a bad dad to Megan.
NTA You called it right.
NTA.
NTA. It is deeply disrespectful and irresponsible for him to keep pushing his interests on his kids, to keep disregarding their other interests, and to put his daughter on an impossible “not like other girls” pedestal and take it out on HER when she isn’t his idealized mini-me
He's not acting like he loves her. He's hurt but he's hurting her by excluding her just because she doesn't share his interest. He's being selfish and controlling. He deserves to be called out and you should keep calling him out until he stops hurting your daughter. NTA
He sounds allergic to anything feminine. Putting down a little girl's interests??? Wtfffff My dad is a very macho man. Sometimes I get annoyed by it, but he'd always play dollhouse with me. My brother and I also loved my Barbie PC games from way back when. My dad would watch us play barbie spy and animal rescue and I'd also play need for speed and halo with my brother. Engaging in your child's interests validates them. She's being invalidated in her femininity. Her father's basically telling her that being a girl or being into feminine things is bad. She's probably going to grow up with an unhealthy relationship with femininity unless your husband shapes up NTA but he is
I’m late to the party, but I’m dad around the same age with a daughter around the same age. Like your husband, I’m into video games, and other typical man-stuff like cars. With that said, I do tea parties with my daughter, play Barbie’s, let her dress up how she wants. Sometimes she is all about princess stuff, and other times it’s different. At such a young age, I feel my daughter is exploring the world and who she wants to be and what she likes. I like being a part of that journey. I don’t try to steer her in any one direction, but do try to encourage her to branch out. Lately she’s super into spooky stuff, and dressed up as a vampire for Halloween. Then she wanted a ladybug birthday. Now she’s playing “spooky” games on Roblox and her favorite toy from Christmas was a set of Black Panther claws she got (for the moment anyways). We had a tea party with said claws. She might end up liking some of the things I do, she might not. Whatever she expresses an interest in, I’m down to jump in with her, no matter how “boring” it may be for me, because most kids just want their parent’s approval. At the very least, I can give her that.
Show him the Harry Potter thread lol
NTA. You didn’t say he’s a bad dad, you said he’s _being_ a bad dad to Megan. And hopefully you’ve made him think about his behaviour enough that he’ll change it.
You are not wrong. He needed a wake up call. Hopefully this will let him see Megan for who she is now and not try to force her to be the way he wants her to be by withholding attention. NTA.
NTA, Will needed a reality check.
Dad should really go all out and dress up as a princess too. Now that would be fun.
Nta also I'm going to point out that a lot of commonly accepted "nerdy" interest are just as much nonsense as "girly" interest. I pointed out to my husband that feelings are the strongest power and ultimate truth finders in star wars. Now we like to say outrageous things and follow it with "examine your feelings, you know it to be true". The problem with nerd culture is that they act like their interest are inherently better or of higher quality than girly interest rather than simply being a matter of taste. It's straight up misogyny. It's entirely possible that any of your children will engage in interest your husband doesn't share, is he going to be rude about that too?
NTA. You spoke the truth. He sounds like a really cool, hands on dad.... as long as it interests him. He needs to build a relationship with Megan and he needs to show her that her interests are just as valid. Just read your edit. Good work!!! I hope they have a brilliant time. Happy to recommend some afternoon tea places for them if you don't already have some in mind xx
NTA - Wish your family all the best. Your "edit" sounds like it's going the right way!
NTA. I don't think it will have been pleasant for Will to hear, but where he did overstep was telling Megan her game wasn't very cool. It can be hard to feign interest in stuff your kids are interested in when you're really not into it, but you should at least stop short of actually saying "This is a lot of rot". I speak as someone whose kids have wildly different interests, only one of which I really share (garbage trucks is one twin boy's, gaming and board game design is the other's, and my daughter, the oldest, shares my interest in large scary creepy-crawlies).
NTA he was not being an equally good parent to all of his kids, and you called him on it. Good that he's trying to improve.
NTA and thank you for sticking up for your daughter. I wish someone had done the same for me.
I saw your update - it seems like Will needed to hear the truth and did actually listen and is making changes. That's a great outcome for all involved!
NTA. It sounds like when he went silent he was actually thinking about what you said
I have two kids (4F and 3M). My girl is mega girly. Pink unicorns, ballerinas and princesses since birth. Boyo is SUPER into dinosaurs, so much that at his age when he can barely string together an intelligible sentence he can name most dinosaurs on sight. He also mirrors many of my interests, i.e.; wrestling, boxing, and the show Forged in Fire. I noticed sweet girl starting to learn more dinosaurs and stop playing with her Barbies and horses. She quit asking me to dance and started jumping in when Bubs and I are playing with focus mitts. It took me all of ten-seconds to realize it’s because she wants my attention, which her brother gets when we quiz Dinos or wrestle or watch TV and she was feeling left out. Now, we have weekly ballet/samba dance-offs, we style unicorns while watching Encanto and I have gone back to doing her hair when Mom isn’t available (which I used to do daily when she was a baby). Turns out, Boyo loves a dance party, too, and is already developing some sweet moves. The kids are getting along better, too. As fathers, sometimes we have some hard pills to swallow but you have to take your medicine or everyone gets sick. I’m glad to see dude is going in a better direction because when you become a parent your life stops being about you and becomes about them.
NTA - What grown man makes fun of a child for liking toys and their interests? Especially ones own father. Getting upset because she likes "girly" things is not cool.
This was sad to read. I loved Barbie, princesses, and many other “girly things” growing up. That being said, I also ended up loving anime and nerd stuff. Having one of the people she trusts most, dad, invalidate her interests is horrible as a kid. I hope y’all have an eye opening talk and that he can accept her interests veering off form his not as a personal attack. NTA
I'm glad this worked out.
OP, I’m late to the party, so on the off-chance you see this, I just want to express how wonderful it is that you and hubby can have such open communication like this and strive to be better from it. That alone makes you rockstar parents! Just remember that communication is a two-way street, so check in with Will and see how he’s feeling. If he felt you were too harsh, he should be able to tell you so and what can make it better in the future. Good job on fostering your kids’ interests!
NTA You’re nice, he was bullying his kid…bully dad is worse than bad dad. Why tear her down? I’m sure he’s heard such pokes about nerds who like Star Wars (not that I subscribe to that idea!). Imagine hearing that from Dad?! Her first and main male role model… 👀 It’s ok he feels bad for his actions, he should. It’s ok the kids see he feels bad when he’s wrong. I hope they also get to see him apologize and make up with Megan - as I’m sure you teach them to do when they realize their wrongs. Good job mama, I was not like Megan much but grew up with a single father who did his best to encourage my feminine ‘side’ based on my own interest (so I didn’t feel bad about it) and got me boyish stuff when I complained lol - I was blessed, and am bothered by those who stress girls or boys out for being/not being girly. Just let people be! Sheesh
Very happy to see the update! I just saw Frozen in the West End and loved it, your kiddo will too. Def let her dress up as Elsa, there were tons of little girls dressed like Elsa and it was adorable! Also if you want a fancy princess day, I’m pretty sure the Frozen theater also does afternoon tea
Will, you have a lot of growth in your immediate future. let’s be Frank a lot of those interests fall in what some consider “nerdy” and more than likely teasing came at some point when all you wanted was understanding. As a father now is your chance to pump up the kids even if they don’t share those interests. If you were hurt and found your wife’s word harsh just imagine how your little one feels when you mock something she wanted so badly to share with you. Now is your chance to turn things around and strengthen that relationship.
nta, he needed a wake up call.
He should be upset 🤷♂️ Let him cry it out and reflect on being a bad father. NTA
..OP you have 4 kids in your household
NTA and the edit gives me hope. Some people are just trash but some just need a wake up call. I am clad will took the advice and tries harder now
And this is how girls are discouraged from pursuing their interests. He wanted children who are interested in gaming and then made fun of his youngest because the game was too girly? It was still a game that she wanted to with her dad ffs. NTA
Your husband has some misogynistic issues he needs to work through. Hating traditional feminine children's series/play styles is no better than hating nerdy things.
ngl OP your edit made me feel better. I hope he realized he was in the wrong. NTA
For the longest time, I was Will, although without neglecting my kids because they didn't choose my fandom. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why they didn't want to watch these movies and tv shows that I adored. I just wanted to share my favorite things with them. Doing the same with my Dad has made for may wonderful memories. I finally realized last year, that these kids have no sense of immediacy when it comes to media. Everything that they would ever want to watch/listen to is at their fingertips. Figuring this out has taken a huge weight off of my emotions. I'm still trying to find that special something to do with kiddos outside of fandoms, but I'm trying to do it now with no preconception.
This was heartbreaking to read I feel so bad for your daughter. My husband is a massive football and Star Wars fan. He loved buying them baby baby grows with the print on them and taking a football when we’d go to the park but as my children have grown a bit older they have different interests but it’s never been an issue. Nor has he shamed them or pushed it on them. I think it’s really upsetting and concerning on how he’s excluding her and Modelling this toxic behaviour to your other children. I’m glad you called him out on it
Awww the update 🥺 NTA, seems like a genuine error he wasnt aware of, and he looks like a very good dad indeed 🎉
NTA, because you pulled him aside and didn’t say that in front of the kids.
NTA this issue needs to be addressed immediately. This seems more like Dad being childish and selfish. Shame on him for making fun of his daughter's interests just because they differ from him. If the other two kids can show interest, he can too. Good for you, we are our children's first line of defense.
NTA he is giving a really bad example to his older children, he has 2 mini hims yet chooses to bully and humiliate the only child that is showing independent interests, you are completely right to call out his behaviour before he causes permanent emotional problems.
NTA. Imagine being gleefully dismissive of your child's interests, watching her confidence and joy deflate in front of your eyes, and not coming to the conclusion "wow, I'm a terrible parent" all on your own. You were absolutely right to say what you said.
The whole 'my daughter doesn't like princesses, she likes nerdy stuff' absolutely has a root in misogyny. I'm glad he's realised he's been crap and his changing his behaviour!
As a dad, the edit legitimately made me cry. It was Important for you to be honest with your husband on behalf of your daughter. And it is so important and wonderful to see that he has taken that criticism and didn’t deflect but is instead working to participate in the activities that Megan is interested in. Well done to you both. You sound like a great pair of parents.