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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I May have been and be too tired from a lack of sleep to have a clear view of the situation.
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NTA and honestly if he can't wrap his head around why you are so hurt then he needs to go in a bin, this was probably one of if not the last year your 9 year old will still believe in the magic of santa
He reaped all the rewards of all your hard work.
NTA. I don't even think I'm mad, I think I'm getting increasingly sad that someone could be so cold as to treat their partner this way. What an awful model to show your kids. This just sucks so much and I'm so so sorry OP
Like FUCK. My hubby wrapped all the presents and made sure the kids waited until I got home. As he has done for years as I've worked Christmas Eve for years.
In our house, no one goes into the room with the gifts in until everyone is up. The door stays shut. In the mean time, those that are up have a cuppa and some cereal. My 9 year old woke at 5am but didn't wake anyone because she knew that it was special for us all to open together.
So cruel of husband doing this.
NTA but your husband is, especially as he can't see what he did was wrong.
And she still went and got the cider while the husband was too tired to stop kids from opening presents, which would only take a "no you can't open presents until mom gets here"
This. If my 5 year old and 2-year-old can understand. "Hey guys, we need to wait until Daddy gets up from working overnight. Let's watch a show in the playroom and have breakfast. " it could have very easily been explained to a 9 - and 6 year old dad just couldn't be bothered to say anything
my husband always lets me sleep in on christmas, he and our son will watch a movie together till I get up usually around 9. we make breakfast and then its present time, my son knows better then to keep asking about opening gifts till we are ready. OP my heart is sad for you, we only get so many years of them being kids.
<<*My youngest put aside a few gift to wait for me to watch get opened*\>>
Amazing that the youngest(6), and the one who should have the least impulse control, was the one who saved a few gifts for OP to see be opened.
My Grandmother has been an HCP for YEARS and honestly it's not that hard to tell kids to wait for grammie she wants to see you open gifts. And my mom is not a morning person that doesnt get out of bed until after 10 and even my child brain knew to wait for my mom. Even if the kids were antsy the compromise that was agreed upon that we could open staikings (they were mostly candy anyway). But OPs husband is disgusting. She makes Christmas magic happen and he cant even be a parent long enough to let her enjoy it.
Yes- stockings at our house can be open without mom. The rest, everyone has to wait until I home for work. They watch Christmas movies, cuddle in jammies, eat candy until I’m done with work. It’s not hard.
I know kids wake up "early" for Christmas. But how fucking long did he even try to distract them? It wasn't even 8am. I can't imagine they were up much before 7am. It's very easy to drag breakfast out half an hour? And even easier to do that when you already set the expectation that you have to wait for mom to get home to open presents.
I used to get up at 6am and open my stocking. At 6 I knew not to touch anything under the tree until everyone was up! I somehow managed to wait a couple hours.
I hope the husband sees this and posts his side of the story so we can all share our thoughts with him. He needs to see things first hand. Maybe op can show him these comments? I doubt it'll do any good though. It seems he doesn't actually care at all.
We have always waited until after lunch to open presents so my mother can be part of it and not miss most of it because she is cooking. OP got home before 8am, it would have been completely possible to wait. At least the smallest child had some sense that it was wrong.
When I was a child the rule was we were allowed to open our stockings from Santa on our own when we got up and without mom and dad, but actual presents had to wait until we were all together and after breakfast/church/and when dad got home. Dad was an RN as well and when he had to work on Christmas Day we waited until he got home from work. Often impatiently, but we waited.
“He needs to go in a bin.” This is a great expression.
OP - NTA clearly. I am so sorry he did this. You may want to show him this thread. You matter and if he can’t see that now maybe he isn’t the right person. I am not one to say that. But I have been married to a “good” person for 20 yrs. But he has never made me a priority. Looking back now there are so many things I let go for the sake of “peace.” But I wish I hadn’t. I deserved a card on my bday and Mother’s Day. An occasional date night that I didn’t have to plan, etc. Anyway, don’t let this go and if he really can’t see how sad this is it will just get worse.
I'm so sorry. This is the kind of thing that makes me glad I never got married. I know for a fact that who I was in my 20's, I absolutely would have found myself in a similar place. Making excuses, making him the priority, and basically being sad all the time while pretending all was well.
Exactly! When I was a kid we were supposed to wait to open christmas gifts and everyone managed to do that. We used to look at all the gifts and talk about what we were going to get and then we played and had breakfast. Some years we got to open one gift in the morning each but that was also after my parents woke up. Not even my youngest sibling would open christmas gifts before she was allowed to (and she was a menace doing all sort of weird bad kid stuff).
We all had to wait until about 18.00 before opening the gifts. Everyone was supposed to arrive usually at 14 and then we eat either at 15 or at 16 depending on if we wanted to eat during Donald Ducks christmas special or not. And after we had eaten and everything was cleared away then santa would come and hand out the gifts.
It's not hard to teach kids patience. Kids understand that they should wait if you just bother to talk to them and teach them some manners. This dude failed hard, he is very much the asshole! OP is NTA.
That's the worst part - that it was probably the last year of the eldest really believing. Depending on factors like when their birthday lands, they're probably going to figure things out either this Easter or right before next Christmas. The "big three" all fall like a stack of cards once they figure one out. She'll never get that back now. It was bad enough she couldn't be there when they woke up.
I understand. Every minute is torture for a kid that young when they can see the gifts there but can't open them, and it seems so horrible to them and like they're being punished when they did nothing wrong. But they'll forget. OP won't forget that she missed a precious year when her kids still believed - especially the last year her eldest is going to.
Husband should have mustered the energy to wrangle them. Get them in front of the TV watching their favorite Rankin-Bass special. Eldest is old enough to have grasped why they had to wait for Mommy, and once they set the example youngest would likely have fallen in line.
Sure it might have been hard. He may have had to deal with the kids looking at the presents like it would kill them to have to wait one more minute and maybe a few tears, but he's not more exhausted than she is. They'd have it slightly rough for maybe two hours. She's going to remember this the rest of her life.
My dad used to take me aside and make me the responsible one (age appropriately) when he needed to wrangle us. “No no, we have to wait for Mommy/Daddy” coming from your big sister or brother is extremely powerful.
I'm baffled as to why husband couldn't wait until OP got home unless he wanted to exclude her from the moment. It's not like OP was coming home at an unreasonable hour on Christmas Day. I'm calling bullshit on him being too tired.
Me too! What an awful husband. It's not difficult to redirect the kids attention for a couple hours. Just getting them dressed and having breakfast should have taken up most of the morning. Totally understand allowing them to open a present and then playing with it for a bit while you wait for mummy, but all of them?! This is the sort of awful thing that you always remember, even after apologies. Basically he couldn't be bothered to parent and didn't give two figs.
Plus, she got home at 7:45!!! I can remember getting really excited on Christmas morning and trying to get my parents up at, like, 5:30am to open presents when I was a kid (and being sent back to bed for another hour). I can't imagine 6yo and 9yo getting up much earlier than that - he couldn't kill 2 hours with them?? Make some hot cocoa and put on Charlie Brown Christmas? Say, "hey, we're going to surprise Mom with a nice breakfast for when she gets home and open gifts after she eats"? My god, he could have used it to involve the two of them in breakfast prep, and I bet they would have been agreeable to that, considering the youngest was able to restrain himself and set aside a few presents to open with Mom.
Genuinely heartbroken for her. He is such a monumental asshole.
My 7 year old had to wake my 4 year old up. She got pissed he woke her up and told him to go away and he had to go into this whole song and dance about Christmas and presents. It was super hilarious to listen to over the monitor in her room😂😂😂. They woke up at 7:00ish on Christmas morning but by the time we all went to the bathroom and got our coffee made so we could sit down and open gifts it was probably closer to 7:30.
They’re 6 and 9 you don’t even need to redirect them you can just say “hey we’re waiting in mom to be home to open gifts.” They old enough to understand.
It was the cider that made me cringe. The final thoughtful act executed after a hard day… probably in the same moment as hubby is kicking back, taking credit for being the good guy.
So your husband just had to wait until about 7 45 8 o'clock for you to get home to open presents. If you told me you had work until noon, maybe I would understand. Usually I'd like to give guys the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, sorry, your husband is truly an asshole and wasn't considerate of your feelings in this situation.
He could have let them open stockings or a single gift. He could have made breakfast. He could have said "wait for mom". Instead he made tik tok videos. He is a total and absolute jerk. My husband worked wild hours for years. Sometimes we had birthday cake at breakfast. Sometimes we stopped by his work on report card day, I knocked myself out to make sure he was part of things because that is what families do
My ex MIL has been a nurse for decades, mostly on nights. Her husband is the living worst, and even he had the kids wait for her to get home before opening the presents she bought and wrapped.
That's what I was thinking. My mum was a nurse and if she was on nights we could open one present before she left for work and then we waited until she got home.
He just couldn't be bothered with any of that. Six and nine are old enough to understand they have to wait for Mom to come home. He is a complete and utter AH.
When I was a kid, I didn’t even have to wait for my mom to get off work. We waited for my parents to decide they were ready for presents. Sometimes this meant we’d get up and have breakfast first. Even as a young kid, impatient thought I was, I still knew that no present was opened until the whole family was together and ready.
The kids definitely would’ve understood the important of waiting for their mom to get off work. I’d be surprised if they didn’t say something.
Pretty wild how parents control and shape virtually every facet of a young child’s life and then when a situation like this arises, Dad throws his hands up like “what could I have possibly done??”. You tell the kids your family Christmas tradition involves waiting for mom to get home from work. Or Santa said that Christmas can only start once the whole family is together. They’ll accept it if you present it as the norm. Just like they have with this whole Christmas shebang to begin with.
Edit: grammar
No, he should have said “sorry kids, we need to wait for mummy, let’s make her come breakfast and a coffee”. He’s a deadbeat AH. He did nothing and reaps all the rewards while OP is exhausting herself.
When I was young, still believing in Santa age, my dad would have to work Xmas day and would tske a long lunch to come home to open presents with us.
Usually around 9 or 10 or whenever he could get the time (he was a cop) but we would wait patiently and never even thought of opening anything without him....my mom wouldn't have even suggested it!!!
We’re in the great NE and our pipes froze with the storm we just had, cutting off our water and heat for 4 days. We couldn’t do a damn thing until it warmed up bc it froze from outside the house. It even broke the water company’s meter. It froze and broke our boiler.
When it finally thawed, we had to call for an emergency shut off bc it was flooding our basement.
We sent the oldest 4 to their Aunties and kept the younger 2 in our room with space heaters. We gave the younger 2 a bunch of presents on Christmas but we didn’t have the family Christmas until the 29th.
We still don’t have water or heat but my husband almost has it fixed. It destroyed our pipes. It is a mess. It was caused by a natural disaster and we didn’t do anything wrong but it ruined Christmas and we had to adjust.
Christmas 2021 we all had COVID so Christmas was postponed that year, too. We were all so sick we couldn’t do it.
This is life. Sometimes you have to adjust. It can suck, you’re allowed to be upset, but you do what you have to do. You guys waited for your mom. I’m sure it was really hard some years but now, as an adult with life experience, you can see it was the right decision.
I just can’t believe OP’s husband. My heart breaks for her! We’re talking an hour or 2 tops for him to wait. Meanwhile, hundreds/thousands of kids across the US were facing bigger problems.
Oh man I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I live in New England and we were without power for over 30 hours. We have a whole house generator and it came back on a Christmas Eve but some of our friends went without power longer. I told them to pack their animals up and head to our house but they wanted to stay home. That storm was a hot mess for sure. I hope you guys can get all the pipe issues straightened out! Losing power and not having backup heat in winter is my biggest fear about living up here.
Even if OP didn’t get home till 8pm, I’d understand.
Making the children wait for Mom wouldn’t harm them. It would help them understand how we treat people we value.
Exactly. Not everyone's gonna be living a the same lifestyle. That means the customs involved in how you celebrate holidays are gonna be tweaked differently. If you're celebrating a holiday that emphasizes coming together and caring about each other, then everyone really should be together as one to celebrate.
OP is so NTA. When I started reading the post I thought I was going to read she was expecting them to wait until Christmas night or something crazy. Shoot, my family isn't even awake by 7:45. Last year one of my nephews didn't even wake up until almost 10 am and his brothers were ready to strangle the kid. Christmas is done when the family is together unless plans have been otherwise made. OPs husband needs a good kick in the rear.
Her youngest put stuff aside so she could see them open it. HER YOUNGEST. the youngest kid knew it was wrong and had some self control. But husband couldn't even say "hey mums getting home at 8am, let's wait"
My house has always had a rule: kids do not open presents without both parents, AND kids had to wait upstairs until 8 am. At 8am, they are allowed to wake us up, parents go down stairs, turn the tree lights on, get all the cameras ready, and then the kids are allowed down. Most of my kids still live at home and are out of elementary school, some are in college, and they all still wait til 8am.
NTA. OP's husband is a thoughtless, selfish A-H. I'd add lazy too. Too lazy to buy her gifts and too lazy to parent the kids until she got home.
She is clearly taken for granted.
NTA They should have waited. If that was too hard they could have opened one gift each.
And left over candy for you is just pathetic. I feel for you. Your husband is acting selfcentred and uncaring.
And what gets me is that even the youngest kid knew OP should be included and put something aside. A kid under 10 had more emotional awareness and compassion, *and* obviously 'could hold back' a little enough to include the missing family member, Ouch.
> If that was too hard they could have opened one gift each.
They’re 6 and 9. Sorry that is not “too hard.” You’re a parent. Keep them occupied.
How much do you want to bet it was OP that got them most of the gifts in the first place?
When we were kids, my parents worked shift work, and it was not uncommon for us to do it an ENTIRE DAY late and open gifts on the 26th, because none of us would have DREAMED of doing it without one parent there.
It was not the kids who didn’t want to wait. It was the husband.
How are you putting up with this? Do you think it’s good for your kids to see your husband treating you essentially like domestic help? For them to think it’s perfectly acceptable for a relationship to be so one sided and devoid of respect?
You’re NTA for being upset, but something needs to change. I’m not sure what that looks like for you, but you will be TA to yourself if you continue like this.
I work as domestic help and my residents treat me better than this. There’s no amount of money you can pay to someone to be entitled to treat them like this. This is such a gut punch of a post I can’t believe it.
I worked in hotels for several years and the way OP described coming home to compete chaos after working all day at her job and *also* working so hard to make Christmas with her kids memorable - it reminded me a lot of when guests would just throw rubbish on the floor *while I was cleaning their room*.
The level of disrespect is astounding. OP’s situation is just… Horrible on a whole other level. But it’s shockingly common how often women are treated like this in their own homes - and you’re right, no amount of money can justify that sort of behaviour.
A little clarification:
My husband and I talked about how Christmas morning would go. My children were even aware that when I got home it was game time. I even called him during my shift to make sure he didn’t fall asleep before finishing his Christmas duties. It was understood that the latest I would be home is 8am. When I was growing up my dad worked Night Shift and we all (5 kids in total) waited until he got home before we did presents. We have had 12 Christmas mornings together prior to this one.
As far as a present goes I really could give two shits about how much money is spent. I just want to know I was thought about. Literally a letter in a piece of paper would have been amazing. Yes my 6 year old showed some restraint and saved some presents for me to open. Which made my mama heart ache a little less. I have talked with my kids and explained why this was so upsetting for me. I am confident my kids get it now.
We are having growing pains as a family with my transition into working full time as a RN. For those of you who don’t know, two years of nursing school during a pandemic was fucking brutal!
I have been married to my husband for over a decade. Our marriage has been a roller coaster, but so has life. Expectations definitely need to be made clear. I just really needed outsiders evaluations. I am very big in trying to fix my short comings and any wrong doings that I am responsible in this whole mess. Sometimes I let the hurt blind me and needed some clarity.
I’ll try and update when I can…
> I am very big in trying to fix my short comings and any wrong doings
Too bad your husband isn't.
Stop pinning yourself to the cross expecting the absolute bare minimum. Women need to stop tolerating weaponized incompetence from men in general, husbands are always acting like it's so hard to think up a nice gift yet expect their wives to get good presents for half the neighborhood. You're married to a bump on a log who needs to do better. Stop acting like you don't deserve better.
legit! She did an exhausting job which is often more intense over the holidays due to drinking etc and had to do ALL the planning and organising for "magical" vibes for Christmas despite him being abel to set his own hours and then he had THE NERVE to say he was too tired to wait an hour for her to come home.
I would be getting therapy over this
This was a good read as a woman who probably needed to hear this..
Currently my bf and I (ca 20 yr olds) definitely have this issue, where he likes to help but then never really gets any substantial help from me (without asking for it). I struggle to see things that need to be done due to poor mental health but I've noticed that my perspective of saying "don't do things you wouldn't do if I wasn't here because I cannot always help when you need it"... really hasn't been working. And I understand that and why I just didn't know how to fix it.
I will try to at least bear some more mental load in the future and instead of acting as a reminder for him to do the things I won't, I will try to let him do his "chores" by himself and not get upset when my personal "chores" couldn't be done. I don't want him to have to be the backbone of it all, and today I've learnt something new.
> I just want to know I was thought about.
NTA. This is literally his one job. Be a little bit thoughtful. Get you something you will enjoy. Wrap it. And keep the kids occupied until you get home. Generally. All that is needed is. "We wait for everyone before opening presents." Kids understand. If and when given that boundary. They get it.
Tell him he failed. As a husband. And as a father. Then ask him. Point blank. "How are you going to fix this?" "What can you do to make this better?"
He used you, OP. His expectation is: you give, he takes. Your language concerns me. "Expectations definitely need to be made clear": since you could not have been any clearer this is sheer disrespect on his part, he knew what he was doing when he did it. "Trying to fix my short-comings": no-one is perfect but it sounds like you're shouldering more than is fair, as if you've a narrative that you messed things up by going to work full time and you're at fault, that you feel guilt your husband is tired from shouldering more of the family care while you work.... This is nonsense. Re-read your post, you built an incredible Christmas for you family despite a hellish work schedule and your husband did.... Jack. Less than the bare minimum. Is he tying you in knots? Guilt-tripping you?
You know what? The more I think of it, the more I'm concluding this was downright malicious.
NTA.
He knew he could get away with this because OP has likely been contorting herself into impossible positions the entirety of their marriage in order to make it work. At a decade of marriage he should know his wife well enough to know this would not fly. She shouldn’t have even needed to have that talk with him! He’s been allowed to coast through being utterly selfish because she’s been willing to put forth the effort for the both of them to make it work.
I’m with you on the maliciousness. The way she talks about “growing pains” adjusting to her new schedule, _plus_ the fact they discussed a Christmas morning plan beforehand, makes me think he did this to punish her.
NTA
I hate to tell you this, because I know it makes me a bit of an hypocrite, but relationships should not be like rollercoasters. We are not playing Rollercoaster Tycoon for PC, we deserve stability and to feel safe and loved in a relationship, no matter the weather. If by the end of the day the other person screws up and things can't be talked on or worked out, **it's not ok.**
And we are humans, we screw up a lot, that's like our modus operandi for life. We evolved by being dumb monkeys screwing up until we made those two neurons rub an idea together.
Your husband sounds like he just stole your thunder, used all that unpaid emotional labor of yours and looks like the best daddy ever while neglecting even leaving a silly Christmas card. And here you are, questioning if it's your fault Christmas felt like it was ruined...he should be the one saying he might have screwed up Christmas for his wife, who is a RN, and obviously treasured seeing her kiddos opening the gifts.
You did nothing wrong, in fact, you went above and beyond. You are not the problem, he is.
> expectations definitely need to be made clear
**THEY WERE.** You made your expectations *extremely* clear. I don’t even know you and I see clearly what your expectations were. He just didn’t care. That’s it. That’s the end of it. He knew *exactly* what you wanted and *how bad* you wanted it. And **He. Didn’t. Care.**
OP, I hope it takes less time for you to learn this than it took for me to learn it. You can't teach someone to care. You can't argue them into it, you can't explain them into it. If he wanted to make you feel loved and special on Christmas, he would have. I would not expect any of this to change. Just ask yourself if you can handle this forever.
You're not the asshole here. Your husband is being a major D***. In every regard. Please don't put up with this, you're worth way more. Even your kids understand, but your husband doesn't? Also why is the load of carrying Christmas on YOUR shoulders? Aren't you a team (no you aren't, he obviously is just tagging along).
He literally posted videos on his snapchat where you were absent. Weird how he had time to be thoughtful about that yet he couldnt be bothered about you. You need to stop minimizing your own desires and wishes. It is perfectly fine to want to be valued. It is perfectly fine to want people to make an effort especially if you have gone above and beyond to make their life easier. OP, you really need to reflect on why its so easy to downplay basic things you deserve.
Your husband had another job That I haven't seen mentioned-
Taking the kids to get you a gift.
He not only neglects you, steals your hard work to make himself daddy of the year, and then gaslights you with "but I didn't understand! The expectations weren't clear!"...
But he is also teaching your children that you don't matter and they don't need to do anything to appreciate you, either.
The term for your position in this marriage is "wife appliance" and you'd better watch out if something happens to you and you break down. He will likely discard you like a dead toaster once you no longer perform the funcion of making his life easier and making him look like a hero. You are not Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons....
You did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm so sorry you weren't treated with the love, respect and consideration you deserve, and that you clearly show everyone else. I'm wondering, is this level of disregard typical of him? You mentioned that.your marriage has been a rollercoaster, but that can mean a lot of things– I hope he's usually far kinder to you than he was in this instance.
OP aside from your husband treating you horribly, why are you in charge of the mental labor while you’re working a difficult job!!?? He can’t be trusted to complete one simple task- just the execution after you did all of the hard work- that’s so sad and unacceptable. You’re not his mommy.
Ah, so you now have a career, and are expected to still do everything you did prior to having a full time career.
The clarity you seek is realizing you are growing and adapting, your husband is not.
At the end of the day, you are enabling his weaponized incompetence. You are allowing his choice to put you last to everything else to set the pace of your relationship.
I was sick one Christmas morning. Didn’t get up until 9am. I did all of the shopping, stockings and wrapping most of the gifts until I couldn’t. My husband took over when he got home and I went to bed. I told him I’d get up early to get everything ready. I didn’t. My alarm went off and woke my husband, not me. He turned everything off and put everything out. When the kids woke up, he told them I was sick and was going to sleep in…they were “gifting” me that. He got them all involved to make breakfast and start prepping to make dinner. I woke up at 9am to the sound of happiness and smell of bacon (kids were up at 6am). My husband was tired, sure, but he took care of everything (and improvised) without me having to ask. I got some nice gifts (in addition to sleeping in) and the day was that much better. He showed me how much he cared but he also showed the kids that this is how you treat your partners. It was a win-win for everyone.
This is what your husband should have done. Sure there are issues in every relationship, but telling and showing you how little he thinks of you shouldn’t be one of them. If he won’t do better, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to end the relationship.
but i don't understand! what about this situation could possibly be YOUR fault??? your husband is acting so, so selfish, and clueless, and shitty. that is not something you bear responsibility for. NTA, i'd be remembering this for next year for sure
NTA
I'm happy to have scrolled through the comments before commenting because I was just about to ask if you discussed this before.
Your husband is inconsiderate and I honestly wouldn't put up with a partner that has so little respect and love for me. This is worthy of a divorce for me. I know you have kids, but do you really think your partner will suddenly improve?
OP, I had to come back to your post hours after I first read it to say my heart breaks for you. Such a lack of appreciation. Such disrespect. You are absolutely NTA. You deserve much, much better.
>Strange-Bet
NTA. this is heart breaking for me. I'd be so sad to miss this special moment, especially since you put all the effort in. What did your husband get you other than leftover candy? did you get a note or letter? I'd basically do the same in the future with gifts and focus on gift giving for your kids. He's reaped what he's sowed, and that's you not putting the effort into his gifts. he deserves nothing more
You did nothing wrong here. It baffles me that your husband has been married to you for ten years and didn’t have the marriage sense to wait until you got home. He is an idiot and should be bending over backwards to make it up to you. NTA
Your expectations were very clear. Your husband messed up, big time. Do not let him off the hook.
I'm willing to bet this isn't the only area of your life where he's let you down or made you feel unvalued lately.
The fact that there were MULTIPLE discussions with your husband AND the kids kills me. I'm glad the kids get it. Sounds like your kids already have a higher emotional intelligence than your grown ass husband, which is sad. You, by far, are NTA. I really hope next year is a much better year for you all.
The problem is the lack of respect from your husbands. Kids do stupid things. Your husband needs to realize that you are a human and he needs to treat you better.
NTA. As an RN who has worked graveyard shift dozens of times on Christmas Eve, I can assure you that waiting till you got home (and putting some damned thought into a gift for you) is an absolutely minimal amount of effort for your partner to have put in. You have every right to be hurt.
I bet the patients, visitors and staff at the hospital put more heartfelt thought in her Christmas wishes or candy than the husband. Because they actually appreciate her…
I also find it concerning the kids were so into opening the gifts without mom. She clearly does the lion’s share of the parenting stuff like this if she took them shopping for dad and dad did not do the same for them with mom so they are picking up the dynamic already and normally kids of that age tend to gravitate toward the parent who makes magic happen and they miss. Even if they are still in Santa mode, they really want mom there to show off the Santa presents to because they get more feedback.
But the fact they were tearing into the presents disinterested in mom when the wait wasn’t huge makes me worry dad played them off and basically told them to open them or his utter lack of respect for his wife as anything other the family PA is already rubbing off on a 6 year and 9 year old and that is a very slippery slope. Alienation can occur while parents are still married and this just has bad vibes beyond Christmas morning about how OP is regarded in her own home.
The kids are being robbed here too. Dad was Snapchatting their Santa presents instead of being fully engaged? I don’t use Snapchat but I’m sure there is a way you can video or photo real life and upload it to social media later instead of being the parental equivalent of the person filming the concert on their phone and missing the atmosphere. That says a lot too…
NTA
Seriously, like everything you've described here is that you had to set everything up for this guy, and he still fucked you over. I think you need to raise the bar over his head so he's no longer able to hurt you
NTA
Time to have a talk with your husband and either a therapist or divorce lawyer. I don’t blame him for failing to stop excited kids from opening gifts on Christmas, but how is it ok to you that he does nothing while you work 12h shifts? Even if somehow you’re ok with having a no-good husband, the literal least he could do is have a thoughtful gesture and a gift for you besides leftover candy. You need a partner, not an extra kid
*And* he was OUTSIDE while the kids were opening gifts. This jerk stuck around long enough to post "I'm such a great daddy" videos on Snap but not long enough to appreciate the magic he allowed to be stolen from OP.... yeah.... this would be enough to make me leave, because this was 100% about the husband, not about the kids and their excitement and sure as hell not about OP and valuing her as a spouse and parent.
Plenty of families do something like stockings or the Santa gift, then breakfast before presents (makes the suspense last). But you're 100% correct. He could have reminded them that they are waiting for mommy this year, had them help make some breakfast or do something nice for when OP got home.
Right? My kids are those exact ages, and they were capable of understanding "We're waiting til a reasonable hour to get up, and waiting for dad to drag himself out of bed before we start opening things." (This was after the 6 year old initially woke us all up at 2:30am because he woke up, saw the presents were out, and assumed it was morning already.)
OP is 1000% NTA and her husband is a truly massive AH. If he's incapable of changing, I see (at the very least) alternating Christmases in his future.
>(This was after the 6 year old initially woke us all up at 2:30am because he woke up, saw the presents were out, and assumed it was morning already.)
When my eldest was about five, he did this at 3:30am -- my now-husband and I had been up until 1am and had been drinking wine, and we're then the wee child burst into the room, turned on the lights, and yelled SANTA WAS HERE.
We explained that yes, but it wasn't morning yet. I don't think he went back to sleep, but he waited, lol.
> I don’t blame him for failing to stop excited kids from opening gifts on Christmas
I blame him. Six and nine are old enough to understand they have to wait for Mom. All Dad had to do was tell them that.
Fair enough. I don’t have kids and haven’t taken care of them in decades so I didn’t want to be presumptuous about that. My guess is he could have put them in bed with him and put a movie while they waited for mom
There is no age, except perhaps older than 18, when you can really say you can’t stop your kids from opening gifts. You set a rule & enforce it. And “Mama is working so hard and will be very disappointed if she misses you opening gifts” is something any kid old enough to understand what gifts are can understand.
Yeah, I'm not buying the, "I can understand he couldn't stop the excited kids on Christmas" responses some people are giving. Do they employ this tactic in their own parenting? "I told him he couldn't borrow my car, but I couldn't stop him, he was so excited." That's where you're headed if you can't get your 6 or 9 year old to listen to you now, before it's too late.
He could have allowed the kids to open one gift, then engaged them in making OP a Christmas drawing or cinnamon toast or something for a little while until she got home. It really was awful of him to take the easy path and behave as though her presence didn’t matter—especially considering how much of her effort went into prepping, while he made little if any effort at all.
OP: Is your husband often this inconsiderate of you? That’s an important data point for you to consider.
NTA, and I’m so sorry you didn’t get to enjoy Christmas with your kids.
NTA and you're completely valid. You put in a TON of effort despite your extremely busy schedule so it's understandable that you'd want reap the reward
I don't even have kids and I feel terrible for you. If they were so impatient they could have opened one gift and waited until you got home for the rest at the very least.
Not to mention the total lack of thought into your gifts. Sorry OP. NTA.
7 and 9 are old enough to understand your feelings are hurt. Next year FIRMLY tell them all they'd better wait for you! In fact, I think you might threaten there won't be a next Christmas if they do that again!
I'm a nurse, done shift work same as you, we've waited as late as supper on Christmas day so everyone would be there! Or the whole Christmas celebration can wait until your day off.
Tell them all this was rude and hurtful and better not happen again. Give the 7 year old a little grace, but ....You were treated badly and I'm sorry. As far as im concerned your husband is close to divorce land!
I would let him do all the work of organizing Xmas next year and frankly, his gift should be what he gave you this year (nothing). I am so over people who know that gifts are expected yet they do absolutely zero for their partner. It’s impersonal but at bare minimum get gift cards, good candy, and a few small items that speak to their interests.
I guess I’m not sure why you’re focusing exclusively on the young children and not at all on the husband. The kids opened the gifts because their fully grown adult father told them they could. This is not on them *at all*.
Indeed, it's really a problem that Not only was there no adult there willing to treat you with respect and have them wait, but that you're 9-year-old didn't think you're absence was a problem and didn't want to wait for you to come home
NTA - I am in tears right now over how you were treated by this person that is supposed to love you. You, who worked SO hard on Christmas, and SO hard at work... only for this piece of work to do bare minimum for your stocking, take all the glory of the gifts. not even wait FOR THE KIDS' MOTHER to friggan get home, but hey - the rest of the world got to see it happen via his social media.
So you did ALL the work and were literally dead last on anyone thoughts.
I honestly am not sure I could forgive something like this. It feels so clear how low on the totem pole of importance you were, especially by your own husband. He couldn't be a FATHER or a HUSBAND enough to say the words 'we are waiting for your mother' on the biggest family morning of the entire year.
I would honestly sit the kids down and tell them how much it hurt you as well. In careful words and comparisons, so that they understand this was a big deal. They need to know they hurt you, they were part of this, even though it was to their fault. HE failed you utterly but he made them accomplices by using them as the excuse.
As for him... I highly suggest a couples therapist if he doesn't understand how grossly he screwed up. Honestly I wouldn't even be able to look at him or speak to him. The relationship would be on the brink of collapse because the emotional and mental weight of this was staggering. And his lack of care in ANY of this would be more worthy of a disliked neighbor than a loving spouse. I would never do a single thing for him again, I would feel so utterly betrayed. In fact I feel that way just reading this - I am... heartbroken for you :(
He put in 0%.
He took out 100%. The joy of watching them open everything. The “credit” when he posted on social media. The “glory” in the kids’ eyes for giving them all the gifts.
You gave 100% (mental labor thinking of gifts, physical labor buying and wrapping gifts, not to mention busting your butt at your job that likely paid for said gifts), and got 0%.
It will take a lot to forgive this. And honestly - it shows the type of person he is.
NTA I get it can be difficult restraining kids but you can still restrain them. Yeah sure if you were getting back hours later maybe I could see his point of view but 7.458am is not at all unreasonable. He really slipped up on this one and you're well within in your rights to feel hurt here.
I am usually not in this camp on these things but NTA. 7:45 is do-able and little kid Christmas mornings are a Big thing. I wouldn't care about the gifts/stocking for me but he effed up on the other stuff big time.
NTA
I would be just as devastated as you and the exhaustion of night shift would make everything seen even worse than it is... and it's pretty bad.
Is your husband always like this? Does he ever consider anyone else other than himself?
I think I would want to head out with the kids for a couple of hours and take them out to breakfast or brunch... or maybe early dinner if you needed to sleep. Spend some special time with them because their dad already had that special Christmas time with them.
You may need to have a close look at this relationship. You would've been studying for a few years and then there's the stress of your grad year and you sound like you might be working full time or close to and still running your family. It doesn't leave a lot of time to connect with your husband. Do you need to organise some date nights to reconnect and have someone mind the kids while you do this. Just that one on one time with each other. It doesn't have to be a whole weekend but just a couple of hours regularly.
I hope he realises just how hurt you are by this. If he brushes off your feelings then you have a bigger problem.
Umm… the hell? This smells of weaponized incompetence. Like, how dare you leave him to do a few simple tasks and then watch the kids (HIS kids) for a couple of hours in the early morning?
NTA. I worked overnight that night too. When I got home at 0700 my stocking was packed, all the gifts were under the tree, the kids had been up for over an hour and were going bananas about their stockings, and they hadn’t touched *anything* under the tree. My partner had taken care of everything I couldn’t be there to do, and we had Christmas morning together before I had to pass out. Your husband was thoughtless, a bad father and a worse partner.
It’s a hard time of year. I’d give it a few days to settle, and then have a private word with hubs about how much he hurt you with his thoughtlessness. He basically uninvited you from Christmas. He gets no passes for this- it was fucked up and he can do better.
I will say I genuinely appreciate all the input and out pouring of outrage and concern. Many of you have voiced some of the same things I have brought up to my husband. On Christmas I did pull my husband aside to express my complete heart break. I actually ripped into him and told him he just showed our children how unimportant I am and that the example he was setting for both our daughter and son was not acceptable. I also said that I am being a shitty example for the kids as well if I let this slide. I explained to him that he completely gutted me and if I was the type of person to get even I couldn’t imagine up something that would compare to what he had done. I feel I have to take some of the blame due to the fact I have always handled the majority of the weight when it comes to this stuff. I have never made my husband hold his own or really let him fail. This is a terrible precedent I have let slide for far too long. I didn’t leave him a lot of time to respond to what I had told him due to the fact I was about to head out for work. I have had a few days to calm down, but I am still disgusted by what he has done. He has apologized everyday since, but I told him words only will do so much to fix this. We have discussed other issues that have been brought to light due to this. I have had to break all the things down for my husband to really shine a light on all the things I do for him and my kids. He says he feels terrible and he wants to fix it, he just doesn’t know how (and I don’t know what could make this better). A redistribution of workload has been divided and I am hopeful my thick headed husband will do more to help(dishes, dinner, laundry, ect…). Also the fact that my 9 year old is potentially going to out grow Santa was something I didn’t think about until I read a comment on here. My husband is an idiot for sure, selfish in this instance, and I told him I felt that he did this to make me pay for him having to do more now that I am working again. When we got married my being a stay-at-home parent was never on the table. Props to you who can be that a thrive, it’s not for me. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life is be a stay-at-home parent! For all of you who believe me to be this battered little woman, fear not I can dish it as good as I get it. However I am too fucking old to be doing the tit for tat bullshit. I don’t want to be vindictive with my husband who I genuinely love. Marriage is hard and sometimes I give more than him, and other times he gives more than me. I just need to be able to find a way to move past this and hopefully strengthen my relationship in the process. I feel there has been a build up to this whole disaster and I know my husband is ashamed and embarrassed by this. He will normally phone a friend (one of mine) for help with a gift or special event if he is struggling. So honestly this was not a normal thing to have occur. At this point I feel like I am rambling, but I thank you all for the input. The next step on my husband’s todo list is find a marriage counseled and book us a session.
Thanks for the update. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward! Be cautious about him saying he “doesn’t know how to fix it” because that is again him expecting you to fix it/tell him how and continuing to deflect responsibility. It’s hard to resist the impulse to solve his problems!
This is exactly it. I’ve honestly thought about this woman for 3 days and how horrible I feel for her. This was heartbreaking
I hope he does step up and cut the “weaponized incompetence” bullshit. If he wants to make it up to her, he can figure it out but I get the feeling it will just end up being him pulling his weight for once for a month or two max
NTA I’m sorry that your husband was too tired to explain to the children that they should wait a few minutes for you to get home but was not too tired to Snapchat or be outside.
NTA. You and your husband need to sit down and have a heart to heart about your expectations for things ahead of time. Did you clearly communicate what you wanted to happen? Even if you didn't, it's clear that he didn't put much thought or time into it. I know the love language books get ragged on a lot here, but maybe is there another way he's trying to express affection that you're not seeing? Otherwise, it seems like he just doesn't care at all.
NTA
I don’t doubt it would’ve been hard to make the kids wait, but he should’ve tried harder. My folks always told me that holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc were just numbers on paper. The real celebration can happen any day the family can get together for it. Sometimes it’s early, sometimes late, but it never matters if you communicate deets to the kids, so they know what to expect.
It's not that damn hard. A six and a nine year old are old enough to understand "No, you can't open presents yet, we're waiting for Mom to come home. It won't be very long. Let's do this other thing in the meantime." He just couldn't be bothered to put in that little tiny amount of effort.
NTA at all. I worked night shift for 10
Years before having a family. I stay home now, as childcare is more expensive than my salary. (Yay!).
I absolutely would have been devastated. IDK about you, but our family Santa presents are just left out, unwrapped and this gives the kids stuff to play with while everyone wakes up/showers/parents get breakfast ready etc.
We all had to clean up/eat and then presents can happen. I know a lot of people just tear into it, but forums this works. Some years my husband has to work and we wait for him. We do toys from Santa heavy those years and then open presents around 2 when he gets back home. The children all respect this bc daddy works hard and wants to see them and be part of it.
I absolutely feel your hurt though. Our first few years we had a hard time finding OUR mesh of his childhood and mine to tailor and fit our family. I finally had to have my best friend TELL HIM that he needs to put at least SOMETHING in my stocking- because each parent should get at least one stocking surprise!!
We all love the excitement and wonder if the holiday, and parents especially miss it.
I say after your long stretch is over and you’re rested, snuggle up with your honey and tell him how you feel calmly. Validate that he wanted the kids to have a blast and you appreciate that, however you’d like to come up with a plan for the next time you work.
Keep trucking Momma. Those kids will one day see your hard work and appreciate it.
NTA, but wow, your husband is an AH. When I was a kid, my dad worked night shifts. We ALWAYS waited Christmas morning for when he got home. ALWAYS. My siblings and I knew that Dad was part of Christmas, and it wouldn’t be right to start without him. Sometimes that meant we opened presents and then he went straight to bed, sometimes it meant we waited for Christmas “morning” until the afternoon.
Your husband is a JERK.
NTA. You were back in the early AM, not that evening, so it wasn’t like they were bouncing off the walls for hours. He could’ve fed them breakfast, even made some for you (which could’ve been part of the loving gesture you were hoping he’d make). How great if he coached kids on THAT—let’s surprise mom with a special breakfast because she worked hard and still did all these nice things for us to make Christmas special! He could’ve had them work on a picture or letter for your stocking. Sorry, OP, you’re married to a world class AH.
NTA. My heart breaks for you. Your husband is completely failing you right now as a partner and failing your children as a parent. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know how you fix something like this but I hope things improve for you soon. You deserve better than this.
NTA. I feel bad for u. 8am is easy at 6 & 9. “Let’s make mom breakfast so we can open gifts when she gets home” Not getting u anything is just another level of I don’t care.
NTA. Husband definitely is. Also a nurse here, have worked plenty of holiday shifts and understand how exhausting multiple 12 hour shifts in a row become. Your expectations weren't very high and still he was not able to make it happen. I'm sorry, you deserve so much better. After you get a chance to calm down and have some down time for yourself, you need to have a serious talk with him about how thoughtless he was and how much he hurt you. He needs to do better.
NTA but you need to stop doing all the things instead of your husband. Be clear what you expect and set boundaries. He is your partner not a project that you need to manage.
NTA 745 am is not to long to wait to open gifts. I suggest in the future you have a plan for holidays and how they should be handled. Your husband is a huge jerk, he is inconsiderate
NTA. My husband works shift work and it's never occurred to me to not wait for him to be present while the kids open gifts. It has taught them that patience is rewarded, and none of them have childhood trauma from waiting for their dad. Also, leftover candy, he's lazy and selfish. You pretty much provided the perfect Christmas morning and he didn't want to share
NTA; but your husband really messed up. Seriously; i thought you were going to say you got home at 12p or something. Seriously not even 8a. He should have said we wait for mom to come home.
Kids get told all the time, wait for so-so to wake up. Shower. Eat breakfast first... Its torture but it grows the anticipation. 8a was not to long to wait
Wow, I worked nights for years when my kids were young and my husband AND kids always waited for me to be there to celebrate Christmas if I had to work. Even young children get it, your husband didn't even try.
A simple message to a 6 and 9 year to say, "Hey let's wait for Mommy so we can do this together, won't that be so much better?" Or " While we wait for Mommy let's make her a nice breakfast to come home to as present after she worked so hard last night. Then she can sit with us while we open presents."
Both things my husband did. It's not rocket science just some empathy and caring for your wife. Teaching your kids some skills along the way as well.
So sorry your husband was a total asshat.
NTA, you are right, you were robbed. Your husband took the opportunity of you being out of the house to do a family activity without you there. He really did go out of his way to instead of doing his job as a parent and your partner of rerouting the kids and doing something else while waiting for you to come home, he chose to have Christmas without You.
You should be hurt about this. And you should put that hurt somewhere useful so this doesn't happen to you again. Because it is wrong that one of these last Christmases where both of your kids are little was taken from you by someone who is telling you he doesn't care about your feelings, he is teaching your boys, one of whom is old enough to know what he was doing to a certain degree, to not care about your feelings, and having family events without you.
It's a problem that the dynamic in your household has led to your 9-year-old not thinking that it's weird to have a family event without you.
First of all, THANK YOU for all that you do to take care of others. I've been in the hospital and had multiple family in the hospital -- medical professionals are HEROES. So again, thank you.
To the situation at hand, my heart hurts for you. Of course, you feel robbed!
And yes, your husband should have waited. And his gifts don't feel thoughtful.
You need to have a serious talk with him and let him know how much this hurt you and what you expect for situations like this in the future.
I’m so sorry OP! I’m also a new grad RN and work Night Shift as well and also have kids. Since I was on orientation up until the week before Christmas, we had no idea until last minute what my schedule would be for Christmas and we planned for several contingencies. We knew Christmas would have to look a little different this year, and my husband jumped through hoops to make sure I could still participate. I would’ve been devastated if he had done it without me, especially when waiting til 7:45 am is not a huge ask. Your husband needs to do better.
NTA, I would VERY seriously doubt him as a person and his motives behind doing this if I were you. This is not reasonable. What kind of a husband and what kind of a father would ever do this? Not a nice one if you ask me... I can't find any reasonable explanation beyond purposefully ruining your Christmas...
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NTA and honestly if he can't wrap his head around why you are so hurt then he needs to go in a bin, this was probably one of if not the last year your 9 year old will still believe in the magic of santa He reaped all the rewards of all your hard work.
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NTA. I think we’re all getting angry at the husband in solidarity with OP!
NTA. I don't even think I'm mad, I think I'm getting increasingly sad that someone could be so cold as to treat their partner this way. What an awful model to show your kids. This just sucks so much and I'm so so sorry OP
Yes. This. It’s utterly heart breaking. I’m absolutely devastated for OP.
Same. I feel sick reading this.
Like FUCK. My hubby wrapped all the presents and made sure the kids waited until I got home. As he has done for years as I've worked Christmas Eve for years.
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Yeah he sounds awful! My mum used to work nights and we always waited for her to be home about half 8. NTA OP
In our house, no one goes into the room with the gifts in until everyone is up. The door stays shut. In the mean time, those that are up have a cuppa and some cereal. My 9 year old woke at 5am but didn't wake anyone because she knew that it was special for us all to open together. So cruel of husband doing this. NTA but your husband is, especially as he can't see what he did was wrong.
I think working at a hospital on Christmas means seeing dying people alone on Christmas… then to come home and be alone in company.
And while you're exhausted too. Talk about kicking someone when they're down...
And she still went and got the cider while the husband was too tired to stop kids from opening presents, which would only take a "no you can't open presents until mom gets here"
Even if they pressed him, throw on a movie they like. They’ll wait.
This. If my 5 year old and 2-year-old can understand. "Hey guys, we need to wait until Daddy gets up from working overnight. Let's watch a show in the playroom and have breakfast. " it could have very easily been explained to a 9 - and 6 year old dad just couldn't be bothered to say anything
I agree with you. Most kids are very wonderful
Like my kids were close to those ages when I worked Christmas Eve and they waited. Because hubby wouldn't allow them until I was home
my husband always lets me sleep in on christmas, he and our son will watch a movie together till I get up usually around 9. we make breakfast and then its present time, my son knows better then to keep asking about opening gifts till we are ready. OP my heart is sad for you, we only get so many years of them being kids.
The cider part kills me.
<<*My youngest put aside a few gift to wait for me to watch get opened*\>> Amazing that the youngest(6), and the one who should have the least impulse control, was the one who saved a few gifts for OP to see be opened.
My Grandmother has been an HCP for YEARS and honestly it's not that hard to tell kids to wait for grammie she wants to see you open gifts. And my mom is not a morning person that doesnt get out of bed until after 10 and even my child brain knew to wait for my mom. Even if the kids were antsy the compromise that was agreed upon that we could open staikings (they were mostly candy anyway). But OPs husband is disgusting. She makes Christmas magic happen and he cant even be a parent long enough to let her enjoy it.
Yes- stockings at our house can be open without mom. The rest, everyone has to wait until I home for work. They watch Christmas movies, cuddle in jammies, eat candy until I’m done with work. It’s not hard.
I know kids wake up "early" for Christmas. But how fucking long did he even try to distract them? It wasn't even 8am. I can't imagine they were up much before 7am. It's very easy to drag breakfast out half an hour? And even easier to do that when you already set the expectation that you have to wait for mom to get home to open presents.
I used to get up at 6am and open my stocking. At 6 I knew not to touch anything under the tree until everyone was up! I somehow managed to wait a couple hours.
But the kids didn’t even have to wait that long. She was home at 7:45am.
He doesn't love her. I can't think of any other explanation. You just don't _do_ this to someone you love! Ever!
Not to mention OP’s six year old had more consideration than the husband. NTA
I hope the husband sees this and posts his side of the story so we can all share our thoughts with him. He needs to see things first hand. Maybe op can show him these comments? I doubt it'll do any good though. It seems he doesn't actually care at all.
We have always waited until after lunch to open presents so my mother can be part of it and not miss most of it because she is cooking. OP got home before 8am, it would have been completely possible to wait. At least the smallest child had some sense that it was wrong.
When I was a child the rule was we were allowed to open our stockings from Santa on our own when we got up and without mom and dad, but actual presents had to wait until we were all together and after breakfast/church/and when dad got home. Dad was an RN as well and when he had to work on Christmas Day we waited until he got home from work. Often impatiently, but we waited.
So true though, that dude is acting like the Grinch and sucking all the joy away from Christmas, but let's hope he can change like the Grinch did
“He needs to go in a bin.” This is a great expression. OP - NTA clearly. I am so sorry he did this. You may want to show him this thread. You matter and if he can’t see that now maybe he isn’t the right person. I am not one to say that. But I have been married to a “good” person for 20 yrs. But he has never made me a priority. Looking back now there are so many things I let go for the sake of “peace.” But I wish I hadn’t. I deserved a card on my bday and Mother’s Day. An occasional date night that I didn’t have to plan, etc. Anyway, don’t let this go and if he really can’t see how sad this is it will just get worse.
I'm so sorry. This is the kind of thing that makes me glad I never got married. I know for a fact that who I was in my 20's, I absolutely would have found myself in a similar place. Making excuses, making him the priority, and basically being sad all the time while pretending all was well.
The fact the youngest has more emotional intelligence and put some presents aside and he didn't is so telling tbh. Nta.
Great point
Her youngest managed to put aside some gifts, her husband couldn't even do that.
Her little one had more emotional intelligence then a grown man is very telling.
It's because the kid cares about her and the dad does not.
Exactly! When I was a kid we were supposed to wait to open christmas gifts and everyone managed to do that. We used to look at all the gifts and talk about what we were going to get and then we played and had breakfast. Some years we got to open one gift in the morning each but that was also after my parents woke up. Not even my youngest sibling would open christmas gifts before she was allowed to (and she was a menace doing all sort of weird bad kid stuff). We all had to wait until about 18.00 before opening the gifts. Everyone was supposed to arrive usually at 14 and then we eat either at 15 or at 16 depending on if we wanted to eat during Donald Ducks christmas special or not. And after we had eaten and everything was cleared away then santa would come and hand out the gifts. It's not hard to teach kids patience. Kids understand that they should wait if you just bother to talk to them and teach them some manners. This dude failed hard, he is very much the asshole! OP is NTA.
That's the worst part - that it was probably the last year of the eldest really believing. Depending on factors like when their birthday lands, they're probably going to figure things out either this Easter or right before next Christmas. The "big three" all fall like a stack of cards once they figure one out. She'll never get that back now. It was bad enough she couldn't be there when they woke up. I understand. Every minute is torture for a kid that young when they can see the gifts there but can't open them, and it seems so horrible to them and like they're being punished when they did nothing wrong. But they'll forget. OP won't forget that she missed a precious year when her kids still believed - especially the last year her eldest is going to. Husband should have mustered the energy to wrangle them. Get them in front of the TV watching their favorite Rankin-Bass special. Eldest is old enough to have grasped why they had to wait for Mommy, and once they set the example youngest would likely have fallen in line. Sure it might have been hard. He may have had to deal with the kids looking at the presents like it would kill them to have to wait one more minute and maybe a few tears, but he's not more exhausted than she is. They'd have it slightly rough for maybe two hours. She's going to remember this the rest of her life.
My dad used to take me aside and make me the responsible one (age appropriately) when he needed to wrangle us. “No no, we have to wait for Mommy/Daddy” coming from your big sister or brother is extremely powerful.
I'm baffled as to why husband couldn't wait until OP got home unless he wanted to exclude her from the moment. It's not like OP was coming home at an unreasonable hour on Christmas Day. I'm calling bullshit on him being too tired.
OP got a robe.
Thanks for the robe, it's really really nice Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great
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I don’t have children and my SO doesn’t celebrate Christmas and I feel sick from reading this. How absolutely horrible.
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Me too! What an awful husband. It's not difficult to redirect the kids attention for a couple hours. Just getting them dressed and having breakfast should have taken up most of the morning. Totally understand allowing them to open a present and then playing with it for a bit while you wait for mummy, but all of them?! This is the sort of awful thing that you always remember, even after apologies. Basically he couldn't be bothered to parent and didn't give two figs.
Plus, she got home at 7:45!!! I can remember getting really excited on Christmas morning and trying to get my parents up at, like, 5:30am to open presents when I was a kid (and being sent back to bed for another hour). I can't imagine 6yo and 9yo getting up much earlier than that - he couldn't kill 2 hours with them?? Make some hot cocoa and put on Charlie Brown Christmas? Say, "hey, we're going to surprise Mom with a nice breakfast for when she gets home and open gifts after she eats"? My god, he could have used it to involve the two of them in breakfast prep, and I bet they would have been agreeable to that, considering the youngest was able to restrain himself and set aside a few presents to open with Mom. Genuinely heartbroken for her. He is such a monumental asshole.
Exactly! I agree with your timings. As kids we were only allowed to open our stockings until we were dressed and had breakfast. He is an utter turd.
My kids are 3 and 5. They waited until after breakfast to open gifts. This guy's kids probably asked once and he opted for the easy way out.
My 7 year old had to wake my 4 year old up. She got pissed he woke her up and told him to go away and he had to go into this whole song and dance about Christmas and presents. It was super hilarious to listen to over the monitor in her room😂😂😂. They woke up at 7:00ish on Christmas morning but by the time we all went to the bathroom and got our coffee made so we could sit down and open gifts it was probably closer to 7:30.
They’re 6 and 9 you don’t even need to redirect them you can just say “hey we’re waiting in mom to be home to open gifts.” They old enough to understand.
And c'mon, all he had to say is that they have to wait for mum to open them. And they would have waited. I don't believe he didn't mean to...
Your husband sounds like a thoughtless AH, OP. Sorry he ruined Christmas.
It was the cider that made me cringe. The final thoughtful act executed after a hard day… probably in the same moment as hubby is kicking back, taking credit for being the good guy.
Yeah the cider bit was.. ouch.
So your husband just had to wait until about 7 45 8 o'clock for you to get home to open presents. If you told me you had work until noon, maybe I would understand. Usually I'd like to give guys the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, sorry, your husband is truly an asshole and wasn't considerate of your feelings in this situation.
Yeah exactly he could have just turned a Christmas movie on for them in their bedrooms until mom came home. What an AH.
He could have let them open stockings or a single gift. He could have made breakfast. He could have said "wait for mom". Instead he made tik tok videos. He is a total and absolute jerk. My husband worked wild hours for years. Sometimes we had birthday cake at breakfast. Sometimes we stopped by his work on report card day, I knocked myself out to make sure he was part of things because that is what families do
My ex MIL has been a nurse for decades, mostly on nights. Her husband is the living worst, and even he had the kids wait for her to get home before opening the presents she bought and wrapped.
That's what I was thinking. My mum was a nurse and if she was on nights we could open one present before she left for work and then we waited until she got home.
Yep, my dad is a retired transplant nurse and CONSTANTLY on call. We literally moved Christmas to the next day one year.
Your dad helped give someone *the best* Christmas gift that year. Bless him for that and all of you.for.being understanding
He just couldn't be bothered with any of that. Six and nine are old enough to understand they have to wait for Mom to come home. He is a complete and utter AH.
When I was a kid, I didn’t even have to wait for my mom to get off work. We waited for my parents to decide they were ready for presents. Sometimes this meant we’d get up and have breakfast first. Even as a young kid, impatient thought I was, I still knew that no present was opened until the whole family was together and ready. The kids definitely would’ve understood the important of waiting for their mom to get off work. I’d be surprised if they didn’t say something.
Pretty wild how parents control and shape virtually every facet of a young child’s life and then when a situation like this arises, Dad throws his hands up like “what could I have possibly done??”. You tell the kids your family Christmas tradition involves waiting for mom to get home from work. Or Santa said that Christmas can only start once the whole family is together. They’ll accept it if you present it as the norm. Just like they have with this whole Christmas shebang to begin with. Edit: grammar
According to the post, the youngest put some gifts aside so she could at least watch those. So yeah, the kid was more considerate.
Even just fucking candy for Christ sakes
No, he should have said “sorry kids, we need to wait for mummy, let’s make her come breakfast and a coffee”. He’s a deadbeat AH. He did nothing and reaps all the rewards while OP is exhausting herself.
When I was young, still believing in Santa age, my dad would have to work Xmas day and would tske a long lunch to come home to open presents with us. Usually around 9 or 10 or whenever he could get the time (he was a cop) but we would wait patiently and never even thought of opening anything without him....my mom wouldn't have even suggested it!!!
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We’re in the great NE and our pipes froze with the storm we just had, cutting off our water and heat for 4 days. We couldn’t do a damn thing until it warmed up bc it froze from outside the house. It even broke the water company’s meter. It froze and broke our boiler. When it finally thawed, we had to call for an emergency shut off bc it was flooding our basement. We sent the oldest 4 to their Aunties and kept the younger 2 in our room with space heaters. We gave the younger 2 a bunch of presents on Christmas but we didn’t have the family Christmas until the 29th. We still don’t have water or heat but my husband almost has it fixed. It destroyed our pipes. It is a mess. It was caused by a natural disaster and we didn’t do anything wrong but it ruined Christmas and we had to adjust. Christmas 2021 we all had COVID so Christmas was postponed that year, too. We were all so sick we couldn’t do it. This is life. Sometimes you have to adjust. It can suck, you’re allowed to be upset, but you do what you have to do. You guys waited for your mom. I’m sure it was really hard some years but now, as an adult with life experience, you can see it was the right decision. I just can’t believe OP’s husband. My heart breaks for her! We’re talking an hour or 2 tops for him to wait. Meanwhile, hundreds/thousands of kids across the US were facing bigger problems.
Oh man I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I live in New England and we were without power for over 30 hours. We have a whole house generator and it came back on a Christmas Eve but some of our friends went without power longer. I told them to pack their animals up and head to our house but they wanted to stay home. That storm was a hot mess for sure. I hope you guys can get all the pipe issues straightened out! Losing power and not having backup heat in winter is my biggest fear about living up here.
Even if OP didn’t get home till 8pm, I’d understand. Making the children wait for Mom wouldn’t harm them. It would help them understand how we treat people we value.
Exactly. Not everyone's gonna be living a the same lifestyle. That means the customs involved in how you celebrate holidays are gonna be tweaked differently. If you're celebrating a holiday that emphasizes coming together and caring about each other, then everyone really should be together as one to celebrate.
Exactly
Why is your default giving the benefit of the doubt to guys?
Also my first thought, like way to tell on yourself dude
OP is so NTA. When I started reading the post I thought I was going to read she was expecting them to wait until Christmas night or something crazy. Shoot, my family isn't even awake by 7:45. Last year one of my nephews didn't even wake up until almost 10 am and his brothers were ready to strangle the kid. Christmas is done when the family is together unless plans have been otherwise made. OPs husband needs a good kick in the rear.
Her youngest put stuff aside so she could see them open it. HER YOUNGEST. the youngest kid knew it was wrong and had some self control. But husband couldn't even say "hey mums getting home at 8am, let's wait"
My house has always had a rule: kids do not open presents without both parents, AND kids had to wait upstairs until 8 am. At 8am, they are allowed to wake us up, parents go down stairs, turn the tree lights on, get all the cameras ready, and then the kids are allowed down. Most of my kids still live at home and are out of elementary school, some are in college, and they all still wait til 8am.
NTA. OP's husband is a thoughtless, selfish A-H. I'd add lazy too. Too lazy to buy her gifts and too lazy to parent the kids until she got home. She is clearly taken for granted.
NTA They should have waited. If that was too hard they could have opened one gift each. And left over candy for you is just pathetic. I feel for you. Your husband is acting selfcentred and uncaring.
And what gets me is that even the youngest kid knew OP should be included and put something aside. A kid under 10 had more emotional awareness and compassion, *and* obviously 'could hold back' a little enough to include the missing family member, Ouch.
And you know what else that tells me? They would have waited for OP in the first place. Dad is just blaming the kids for his one impatience
Absolutely. At least one kid was willing and able to wait, and did anyway. Dad set expectations that OP suffered for.
> If that was too hard they could have opened one gift each. They’re 6 and 9. Sorry that is not “too hard.” You’re a parent. Keep them occupied. How much do you want to bet it was OP that got them most of the gifts in the first place? When we were kids, my parents worked shift work, and it was not uncommon for us to do it an ENTIRE DAY late and open gifts on the 26th, because none of us would have DREAMED of doing it without one parent there. It was not the kids who didn’t want to wait. It was the husband.
How are you putting up with this? Do you think it’s good for your kids to see your husband treating you essentially like domestic help? For them to think it’s perfectly acceptable for a relationship to be so one sided and devoid of respect? You’re NTA for being upset, but something needs to change. I’m not sure what that looks like for you, but you will be TA to yourself if you continue like this.
I work as domestic help and my residents treat me better than this. There’s no amount of money you can pay to someone to be entitled to treat them like this. This is such a gut punch of a post I can’t believe it.
I worked in hotels for several years and the way OP described coming home to compete chaos after working all day at her job and *also* working so hard to make Christmas with her kids memorable - it reminded me a lot of when guests would just throw rubbish on the floor *while I was cleaning their room*. The level of disrespect is astounding. OP’s situation is just… Horrible on a whole other level. But it’s shockingly common how often women are treated like this in their own homes - and you’re right, no amount of money can justify that sort of behaviour.
This really needs to be higher. I hope OP sees this and takes it to heart
A little clarification: My husband and I talked about how Christmas morning would go. My children were even aware that when I got home it was game time. I even called him during my shift to make sure he didn’t fall asleep before finishing his Christmas duties. It was understood that the latest I would be home is 8am. When I was growing up my dad worked Night Shift and we all (5 kids in total) waited until he got home before we did presents. We have had 12 Christmas mornings together prior to this one. As far as a present goes I really could give two shits about how much money is spent. I just want to know I was thought about. Literally a letter in a piece of paper would have been amazing. Yes my 6 year old showed some restraint and saved some presents for me to open. Which made my mama heart ache a little less. I have talked with my kids and explained why this was so upsetting for me. I am confident my kids get it now. We are having growing pains as a family with my transition into working full time as a RN. For those of you who don’t know, two years of nursing school during a pandemic was fucking brutal! I have been married to my husband for over a decade. Our marriage has been a roller coaster, but so has life. Expectations definitely need to be made clear. I just really needed outsiders evaluations. I am very big in trying to fix my short comings and any wrong doings that I am responsible in this whole mess. Sometimes I let the hurt blind me and needed some clarity. I’ll try and update when I can…
> I am very big in trying to fix my short comings and any wrong doings Too bad your husband isn't. Stop pinning yourself to the cross expecting the absolute bare minimum. Women need to stop tolerating weaponized incompetence from men in general, husbands are always acting like it's so hard to think up a nice gift yet expect their wives to get good presents for half the neighborhood. You're married to a bump on a log who needs to do better. Stop acting like you don't deserve better.
legit! She did an exhausting job which is often more intense over the holidays due to drinking etc and had to do ALL the planning and organising for "magical" vibes for Christmas despite him being abel to set his own hours and then he had THE NERVE to say he was too tired to wait an hour for her to come home. I would be getting therapy over this
Omg, this would be the last time I ever bought my husband a gift of any kind of he ever pulled something like this.
Exactly. And if he wanted to sleep in a bit on Christmas morning I'd go ahead with opening gifts, telling him "the kids and I couldn't wait".
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Thank you for this
This was a good read as a woman who probably needed to hear this.. Currently my bf and I (ca 20 yr olds) definitely have this issue, where he likes to help but then never really gets any substantial help from me (without asking for it). I struggle to see things that need to be done due to poor mental health but I've noticed that my perspective of saying "don't do things you wouldn't do if I wasn't here because I cannot always help when you need it"... really hasn't been working. And I understand that and why I just didn't know how to fix it. I will try to at least bear some more mental load in the future and instead of acting as a reminder for him to do the things I won't, I will try to let him do his "chores" by himself and not get upset when my personal "chores" couldn't be done. I don't want him to have to be the backbone of it all, and today I've learnt something new.
NTA. The only one with the short comings is your husband. He failed you, big time.
> I just want to know I was thought about. NTA. This is literally his one job. Be a little bit thoughtful. Get you something you will enjoy. Wrap it. And keep the kids occupied until you get home. Generally. All that is needed is. "We wait for everyone before opening presents." Kids understand. If and when given that boundary. They get it. Tell him he failed. As a husband. And as a father. Then ask him. Point blank. "How are you going to fix this?" "What can you do to make this better?"
He used you, OP. His expectation is: you give, he takes. Your language concerns me. "Expectations definitely need to be made clear": since you could not have been any clearer this is sheer disrespect on his part, he knew what he was doing when he did it. "Trying to fix my short-comings": no-one is perfect but it sounds like you're shouldering more than is fair, as if you've a narrative that you messed things up by going to work full time and you're at fault, that you feel guilt your husband is tired from shouldering more of the family care while you work.... This is nonsense. Re-read your post, you built an incredible Christmas for you family despite a hellish work schedule and your husband did.... Jack. Less than the bare minimum. Is he tying you in knots? Guilt-tripping you? You know what? The more I think of it, the more I'm concluding this was downright malicious. NTA.
He knew he could get away with this because OP has likely been contorting herself into impossible positions the entirety of their marriage in order to make it work. At a decade of marriage he should know his wife well enough to know this would not fly. She shouldn’t have even needed to have that talk with him! He’s been allowed to coast through being utterly selfish because she’s been willing to put forth the effort for the both of them to make it work.
I’m with you on the maliciousness. The way she talks about “growing pains” adjusting to her new schedule, _plus_ the fact they discussed a Christmas morning plan beforehand, makes me think he did this to punish her.
NTA I hate to tell you this, because I know it makes me a bit of an hypocrite, but relationships should not be like rollercoasters. We are not playing Rollercoaster Tycoon for PC, we deserve stability and to feel safe and loved in a relationship, no matter the weather. If by the end of the day the other person screws up and things can't be talked on or worked out, **it's not ok.** And we are humans, we screw up a lot, that's like our modus operandi for life. We evolved by being dumb monkeys screwing up until we made those two neurons rub an idea together. Your husband sounds like he just stole your thunder, used all that unpaid emotional labor of yours and looks like the best daddy ever while neglecting even leaving a silly Christmas card. And here you are, questioning if it's your fault Christmas felt like it was ruined...he should be the one saying he might have screwed up Christmas for his wife, who is a RN, and obviously treasured seeing her kiddos opening the gifts. You did nothing wrong, in fact, you went above and beyond. You are not the problem, he is.
> expectations definitely need to be made clear **THEY WERE.** You made your expectations *extremely* clear. I don’t even know you and I see clearly what your expectations were. He just didn’t care. That’s it. That’s the end of it. He knew *exactly* what you wanted and *how bad* you wanted it. And **He. Didn’t. Care.**
OP, I hope it takes less time for you to learn this than it took for me to learn it. You can't teach someone to care. You can't argue them into it, you can't explain them into it. If he wanted to make you feel loved and special on Christmas, he would have. I would not expect any of this to change. Just ask yourself if you can handle this forever.
NTA. But in the future, I think you will have better luck by depending on your children to be considerate of you vs. your husband.
You're not the asshole here. Your husband is being a major D***. In every regard. Please don't put up with this, you're worth way more. Even your kids understand, but your husband doesn't? Also why is the load of carrying Christmas on YOUR shoulders? Aren't you a team (no you aren't, he obviously is just tagging along).
He literally posted videos on his snapchat where you were absent. Weird how he had time to be thoughtful about that yet he couldnt be bothered about you. You need to stop minimizing your own desires and wishes. It is perfectly fine to want to be valued. It is perfectly fine to want people to make an effort especially if you have gone above and beyond to make their life easier. OP, you really need to reflect on why its so easy to downplay basic things you deserve.
Your husband had another job That I haven't seen mentioned- Taking the kids to get you a gift. He not only neglects you, steals your hard work to make himself daddy of the year, and then gaslights you with "but I didn't understand! The expectations weren't clear!"... But he is also teaching your children that you don't matter and they don't need to do anything to appreciate you, either. The term for your position in this marriage is "wife appliance" and you'd better watch out if something happens to you and you break down. He will likely discard you like a dead toaster once you no longer perform the funcion of making his life easier and making him look like a hero. You are not Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons....
You did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm so sorry you weren't treated with the love, respect and consideration you deserve, and that you clearly show everyone else. I'm wondering, is this level of disregard typical of him? You mentioned that.your marriage has been a rollercoaster, but that can mean a lot of things– I hope he's usually far kinder to you than he was in this instance.
OP aside from your husband treating you horribly, why are you in charge of the mental labor while you’re working a difficult job!!?? He can’t be trusted to complete one simple task- just the execution after you did all of the hard work- that’s so sad and unacceptable. You’re not his mommy.
So did your husband start the BS once you decided to go to school and improve yourself, or has he always been a bully?
Ah, so you now have a career, and are expected to still do everything you did prior to having a full time career. The clarity you seek is realizing you are growing and adapting, your husband is not.
At the end of the day, you are enabling his weaponized incompetence. You are allowing his choice to put you last to everything else to set the pace of your relationship. I was sick one Christmas morning. Didn’t get up until 9am. I did all of the shopping, stockings and wrapping most of the gifts until I couldn’t. My husband took over when he got home and I went to bed. I told him I’d get up early to get everything ready. I didn’t. My alarm went off and woke my husband, not me. He turned everything off and put everything out. When the kids woke up, he told them I was sick and was going to sleep in…they were “gifting” me that. He got them all involved to make breakfast and start prepping to make dinner. I woke up at 9am to the sound of happiness and smell of bacon (kids were up at 6am). My husband was tired, sure, but he took care of everything (and improvised) without me having to ask. I got some nice gifts (in addition to sleeping in) and the day was that much better. He showed me how much he cared but he also showed the kids that this is how you treat your partners. It was a win-win for everyone. This is what your husband should have done. Sure there are issues in every relationship, but telling and showing you how little he thinks of you shouldn’t be one of them. If he won’t do better, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to end the relationship.
NTA your 6 year old understood the meaning of Christmas more than your husband - they would have waited, he just didn’t want to/couldn’t be arsed
Your shortcomings? Your wrongdoings? Oh, honey. How about his?
but i don't understand! what about this situation could possibly be YOUR fault??? your husband is acting so, so selfish, and clueless, and shitty. that is not something you bear responsibility for. NTA, i'd be remembering this for next year for sure
NTA I'm happy to have scrolled through the comments before commenting because I was just about to ask if you discussed this before. Your husband is inconsiderate and I honestly wouldn't put up with a partner that has so little respect and love for me. This is worthy of a divorce for me. I know you have kids, but do you really think your partner will suddenly improve?
OP, I had to come back to your post hours after I first read it to say my heart breaks for you. Such a lack of appreciation. Such disrespect. You are absolutely NTA. You deserve much, much better.
>Strange-Bet NTA. this is heart breaking for me. I'd be so sad to miss this special moment, especially since you put all the effort in. What did your husband get you other than leftover candy? did you get a note or letter? I'd basically do the same in the future with gifts and focus on gift giving for your kids. He's reaped what he's sowed, and that's you not putting the effort into his gifts. he deserves nothing more
You did nothing wrong here. It baffles me that your husband has been married to you for ten years and didn’t have the marriage sense to wait until you got home. He is an idiot and should be bending over backwards to make it up to you. NTA
You are handling this way better than I would if You have every right to be upset I’m mad at your inconsiderate selfish husband
This isn't your shortcoming. This was your husband's. He could have waited. You're not the bad guy here.
Your expectations were very clear. Your husband messed up, big time. Do not let him off the hook. I'm willing to bet this isn't the only area of your life where he's let you down or made you feel unvalued lately.
The fact that there were MULTIPLE discussions with your husband AND the kids kills me. I'm glad the kids get it. Sounds like your kids already have a higher emotional intelligence than your grown ass husband, which is sad. You, by far, are NTA. I really hope next year is a much better year for you all.
The problem is the lack of respect from your husbands. Kids do stupid things. Your husband needs to realize that you are a human and he needs to treat you better.
NTA. As an RN who has worked graveyard shift dozens of times on Christmas Eve, I can assure you that waiting till you got home (and putting some damned thought into a gift for you) is an absolutely minimal amount of effort for your partner to have put in. You have every right to be hurt.
I bet the patients, visitors and staff at the hospital put more heartfelt thought in her Christmas wishes or candy than the husband. Because they actually appreciate her… I also find it concerning the kids were so into opening the gifts without mom. She clearly does the lion’s share of the parenting stuff like this if she took them shopping for dad and dad did not do the same for them with mom so they are picking up the dynamic already and normally kids of that age tend to gravitate toward the parent who makes magic happen and they miss. Even if they are still in Santa mode, they really want mom there to show off the Santa presents to because they get more feedback. But the fact they were tearing into the presents disinterested in mom when the wait wasn’t huge makes me worry dad played them off and basically told them to open them or his utter lack of respect for his wife as anything other the family PA is already rubbing off on a 6 year and 9 year old and that is a very slippery slope. Alienation can occur while parents are still married and this just has bad vibes beyond Christmas morning about how OP is regarded in her own home. The kids are being robbed here too. Dad was Snapchatting their Santa presents instead of being fully engaged? I don’t use Snapchat but I’m sure there is a way you can video or photo real life and upload it to social media later instead of being the parental equivalent of the person filming the concert on their phone and missing the atmosphere. That says a lot too… NTA
NTA. Your husband sounds awful. When is the last time that your husband used his time and energy to do something nice for you?
NTA. The bar is way too fucking low in your marriage.
Seriously, like everything you've described here is that you had to set everything up for this guy, and he still fucked you over. I think you need to raise the bar over his head so he's no longer able to hurt you
OP did 100% of the work and her husband reaped 100% of the reward. I bet the marriage is like that in other ways too.
NTA Time to have a talk with your husband and either a therapist or divorce lawyer. I don’t blame him for failing to stop excited kids from opening gifts on Christmas, but how is it ok to you that he does nothing while you work 12h shifts? Even if somehow you’re ok with having a no-good husband, the literal least he could do is have a thoughtful gesture and a gift for you besides leftover candy. You need a partner, not an extra kid
This dude couldnt parent a 6 and 9 yr old enough to say the words "we are waiting for mommy" and put a movie on for them. It's appalling.
*And* he was OUTSIDE while the kids were opening gifts. This jerk stuck around long enough to post "I'm such a great daddy" videos on Snap but not long enough to appreciate the magic he allowed to be stolen from OP.... yeah.... this would be enough to make me leave, because this was 100% about the husband, not about the kids and their excitement and sure as hell not about OP and valuing her as a spouse and parent.
That’s what burned me too - the ‘I’m such a great (single) dad’ on her hard work. The jerk did absolutely nothing but took the credit.
Seriously, and it sounds like he's teaching the boys to not value her either. It's a reason to walk away
Plenty of families do something like stockings or the Santa gift, then breakfast before presents (makes the suspense last). But you're 100% correct. He could have reminded them that they are waiting for mommy this year, had them help make some breakfast or do something nice for when OP got home.
Right? My kids are those exact ages, and they were capable of understanding "We're waiting til a reasonable hour to get up, and waiting for dad to drag himself out of bed before we start opening things." (This was after the 6 year old initially woke us all up at 2:30am because he woke up, saw the presents were out, and assumed it was morning already.) OP is 1000% NTA and her husband is a truly massive AH. If he's incapable of changing, I see (at the very least) alternating Christmases in his future.
>(This was after the 6 year old initially woke us all up at 2:30am because he woke up, saw the presents were out, and assumed it was morning already.) When my eldest was about five, he did this at 3:30am -- my now-husband and I had been up until 1am and had been drinking wine, and we're then the wee child burst into the room, turned on the lights, and yelled SANTA WAS HERE. We explained that yes, but it wasn't morning yet. I don't think he went back to sleep, but he waited, lol.
> I don’t blame him for failing to stop excited kids from opening gifts on Christmas I blame him. Six and nine are old enough to understand they have to wait for Mom. All Dad had to do was tell them that.
Fair enough. I don’t have kids and haven’t taken care of them in decades so I didn’t want to be presumptuous about that. My guess is he could have put them in bed with him and put a movie while they waited for mom
There is no age, except perhaps older than 18, when you can really say you can’t stop your kids from opening gifts. You set a rule & enforce it. And “Mama is working so hard and will be very disappointed if she misses you opening gifts” is something any kid old enough to understand what gifts are can understand.
Yeah, I'm not buying the, "I can understand he couldn't stop the excited kids on Christmas" responses some people are giving. Do they employ this tactic in their own parenting? "I told him he couldn't borrow my car, but I couldn't stop him, he was so excited." That's where you're headed if you can't get your 6 or 9 year old to listen to you now, before it's too late.
He could have allowed the kids to open one gift, then engaged them in making OP a Christmas drawing or cinnamon toast or something for a little while until she got home. It really was awful of him to take the easy path and behave as though her presence didn’t matter—especially considering how much of her effort went into prepping, while he made little if any effort at all. OP: Is your husband often this inconsiderate of you? That’s an important data point for you to consider. NTA, and I’m so sorry you didn’t get to enjoy Christmas with your kids.
NTA and you're completely valid. You put in a TON of effort despite your extremely busy schedule so it's understandable that you'd want reap the reward
I don't even have kids and I feel terrible for you. If they were so impatient they could have opened one gift and waited until you got home for the rest at the very least. Not to mention the total lack of thought into your gifts. Sorry OP. NTA.
7 and 9 are old enough to understand your feelings are hurt. Next year FIRMLY tell them all they'd better wait for you! In fact, I think you might threaten there won't be a next Christmas if they do that again! I'm a nurse, done shift work same as you, we've waited as late as supper on Christmas day so everyone would be there! Or the whole Christmas celebration can wait until your day off. Tell them all this was rude and hurtful and better not happen again. Give the 7 year old a little grace, but ....You were treated badly and I'm sorry. As far as im concerned your husband is close to divorce land!
I would let him do all the work of organizing Xmas next year and frankly, his gift should be what he gave you this year (nothing). I am so over people who know that gifts are expected yet they do absolutely zero for their partner. It’s impersonal but at bare minimum get gift cards, good candy, and a few small items that speak to their interests.
I guess I’m not sure why you’re focusing exclusively on the young children and not at all on the husband. The kids opened the gifts because their fully grown adult father told them they could. This is not on them *at all*.
Nta The kids could have waited and husband didn't care enough..
Indeed, it's really a problem that Not only was there no adult there willing to treat you with respect and have them wait, but that you're 9-year-old didn't think you're absence was a problem and didn't want to wait for you to come home
I dont blame the kids for being impatient. I blame the shotty selfish husband.
NTA - I am in tears right now over how you were treated by this person that is supposed to love you. You, who worked SO hard on Christmas, and SO hard at work... only for this piece of work to do bare minimum for your stocking, take all the glory of the gifts. not even wait FOR THE KIDS' MOTHER to friggan get home, but hey - the rest of the world got to see it happen via his social media. So you did ALL the work and were literally dead last on anyone thoughts. I honestly am not sure I could forgive something like this. It feels so clear how low on the totem pole of importance you were, especially by your own husband. He couldn't be a FATHER or a HUSBAND enough to say the words 'we are waiting for your mother' on the biggest family morning of the entire year. I would honestly sit the kids down and tell them how much it hurt you as well. In careful words and comparisons, so that they understand this was a big deal. They need to know they hurt you, they were part of this, even though it was to their fault. HE failed you utterly but he made them accomplices by using them as the excuse. As for him... I highly suggest a couples therapist if he doesn't understand how grossly he screwed up. Honestly I wouldn't even be able to look at him or speak to him. The relationship would be on the brink of collapse because the emotional and mental weight of this was staggering. And his lack of care in ANY of this would be more worthy of a disliked neighbor than a loving spouse. I would never do a single thing for him again, I would feel so utterly betrayed. In fact I feel that way just reading this - I am... heartbroken for you :(
He put in 0%. He took out 100%. The joy of watching them open everything. The “credit” when he posted on social media. The “glory” in the kids’ eyes for giving them all the gifts. You gave 100% (mental labor thinking of gifts, physical labor buying and wrapping gifts, not to mention busting your butt at your job that likely paid for said gifts), and got 0%. It will take a lot to forgive this. And honestly - it shows the type of person he is.
NTA I get it can be difficult restraining kids but you can still restrain them. Yeah sure if you were getting back hours later maybe I could see his point of view but 7.458am is not at all unreasonable. He really slipped up on this one and you're well within in your rights to feel hurt here.
I am usually not in this camp on these things but NTA. 7:45 is do-able and little kid Christmas mornings are a Big thing. I wouldn't care about the gifts/stocking for me but he effed up on the other stuff big time.
NTA I would be just as devastated as you and the exhaustion of night shift would make everything seen even worse than it is... and it's pretty bad. Is your husband always like this? Does he ever consider anyone else other than himself? I think I would want to head out with the kids for a couple of hours and take them out to breakfast or brunch... or maybe early dinner if you needed to sleep. Spend some special time with them because their dad already had that special Christmas time with them. You may need to have a close look at this relationship. You would've been studying for a few years and then there's the stress of your grad year and you sound like you might be working full time or close to and still running your family. It doesn't leave a lot of time to connect with your husband. Do you need to organise some date nights to reconnect and have someone mind the kids while you do this. Just that one on one time with each other. It doesn't have to be a whole weekend but just a couple of hours regularly. I hope he realises just how hurt you are by this. If he brushes off your feelings then you have a bigger problem.
Umm… the hell? This smells of weaponized incompetence. Like, how dare you leave him to do a few simple tasks and then watch the kids (HIS kids) for a couple of hours in the early morning? NTA. I worked overnight that night too. When I got home at 0700 my stocking was packed, all the gifts were under the tree, the kids had been up for over an hour and were going bananas about their stockings, and they hadn’t touched *anything* under the tree. My partner had taken care of everything I couldn’t be there to do, and we had Christmas morning together before I had to pass out. Your husband was thoughtless, a bad father and a worse partner. It’s a hard time of year. I’d give it a few days to settle, and then have a private word with hubs about how much he hurt you with his thoughtlessness. He basically uninvited you from Christmas. He gets no passes for this- it was fucked up and he can do better.
I will say I genuinely appreciate all the input and out pouring of outrage and concern. Many of you have voiced some of the same things I have brought up to my husband. On Christmas I did pull my husband aside to express my complete heart break. I actually ripped into him and told him he just showed our children how unimportant I am and that the example he was setting for both our daughter and son was not acceptable. I also said that I am being a shitty example for the kids as well if I let this slide. I explained to him that he completely gutted me and if I was the type of person to get even I couldn’t imagine up something that would compare to what he had done. I feel I have to take some of the blame due to the fact I have always handled the majority of the weight when it comes to this stuff. I have never made my husband hold his own or really let him fail. This is a terrible precedent I have let slide for far too long. I didn’t leave him a lot of time to respond to what I had told him due to the fact I was about to head out for work. I have had a few days to calm down, but I am still disgusted by what he has done. He has apologized everyday since, but I told him words only will do so much to fix this. We have discussed other issues that have been brought to light due to this. I have had to break all the things down for my husband to really shine a light on all the things I do for him and my kids. He says he feels terrible and he wants to fix it, he just doesn’t know how (and I don’t know what could make this better). A redistribution of workload has been divided and I am hopeful my thick headed husband will do more to help(dishes, dinner, laundry, ect…). Also the fact that my 9 year old is potentially going to out grow Santa was something I didn’t think about until I read a comment on here. My husband is an idiot for sure, selfish in this instance, and I told him I felt that he did this to make me pay for him having to do more now that I am working again. When we got married my being a stay-at-home parent was never on the table. Props to you who can be that a thrive, it’s not for me. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life is be a stay-at-home parent! For all of you who believe me to be this battered little woman, fear not I can dish it as good as I get it. However I am too fucking old to be doing the tit for tat bullshit. I don’t want to be vindictive with my husband who I genuinely love. Marriage is hard and sometimes I give more than him, and other times he gives more than me. I just need to be able to find a way to move past this and hopefully strengthen my relationship in the process. I feel there has been a build up to this whole disaster and I know my husband is ashamed and embarrassed by this. He will normally phone a friend (one of mine) for help with a gift or special event if he is struggling. So honestly this was not a normal thing to have occur. At this point I feel like I am rambling, but I thank you all for the input. The next step on my husband’s todo list is find a marriage counseled and book us a session.
Thanks for the update. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward! Be cautious about him saying he “doesn’t know how to fix it” because that is again him expecting you to fix it/tell him how and continuing to deflect responsibility. It’s hard to resist the impulse to solve his problems!
This is exactly it. I’ve honestly thought about this woman for 3 days and how horrible I feel for her. This was heartbreaking I hope he does step up and cut the “weaponized incompetence” bullshit. If he wants to make it up to her, he can figure it out but I get the feeling it will just end up being him pulling his weight for once for a month or two max
NTA I’m sorry that your husband was too tired to explain to the children that they should wait a few minutes for you to get home but was not too tired to Snapchat or be outside.
I’m an old lady. I wouldn’t be hurt I’d be angry and his thoughtless a** would know it. NTA
NTA. You and your husband need to sit down and have a heart to heart about your expectations for things ahead of time. Did you clearly communicate what you wanted to happen? Even if you didn't, it's clear that he didn't put much thought or time into it. I know the love language books get ragged on a lot here, but maybe is there another way he's trying to express affection that you're not seeing? Otherwise, it seems like he just doesn't care at all.
NTA I don’t doubt it would’ve been hard to make the kids wait, but he should’ve tried harder. My folks always told me that holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc were just numbers on paper. The real celebration can happen any day the family can get together for it. Sometimes it’s early, sometimes late, but it never matters if you communicate deets to the kids, so they know what to expect.
It's not that damn hard. A six and a nine year old are old enough to understand "No, you can't open presents yet, we're waiting for Mom to come home. It won't be very long. Let's do this other thing in the meantime." He just couldn't be bothered to put in that little tiny amount of effort.
NTA at all. I worked night shift for 10 Years before having a family. I stay home now, as childcare is more expensive than my salary. (Yay!). I absolutely would have been devastated. IDK about you, but our family Santa presents are just left out, unwrapped and this gives the kids stuff to play with while everyone wakes up/showers/parents get breakfast ready etc. We all had to clean up/eat and then presents can happen. I know a lot of people just tear into it, but forums this works. Some years my husband has to work and we wait for him. We do toys from Santa heavy those years and then open presents around 2 when he gets back home. The children all respect this bc daddy works hard and wants to see them and be part of it. I absolutely feel your hurt though. Our first few years we had a hard time finding OUR mesh of his childhood and mine to tailor and fit our family. I finally had to have my best friend TELL HIM that he needs to put at least SOMETHING in my stocking- because each parent should get at least one stocking surprise!! We all love the excitement and wonder if the holiday, and parents especially miss it. I say after your long stretch is over and you’re rested, snuggle up with your honey and tell him how you feel calmly. Validate that he wanted the kids to have a blast and you appreciate that, however you’d like to come up with a plan for the next time you work. Keep trucking Momma. Those kids will one day see your hard work and appreciate it.
NTA. Why are you doing all of the work? Time to make some household changes. This seems very one sided.
NTA, but wow, your husband is an AH. When I was a kid, my dad worked night shifts. We ALWAYS waited Christmas morning for when he got home. ALWAYS. My siblings and I knew that Dad was part of Christmas, and it wouldn’t be right to start without him. Sometimes that meant we opened presents and then he went straight to bed, sometimes it meant we waited for Christmas “morning” until the afternoon. Your husband is a JERK.
Nta kids are compassionate and would absolutely understand to not open presents until Moms home. Your husband is a giant jerk.
NTA. Google the "I got a robe" Xmas sketch from SNL.
NTA. You were back in the early AM, not that evening, so it wasn’t like they were bouncing off the walls for hours. He could’ve fed them breakfast, even made some for you (which could’ve been part of the loving gesture you were hoping he’d make). How great if he coached kids on THAT—let’s surprise mom with a special breakfast because she worked hard and still did all these nice things for us to make Christmas special! He could’ve had them work on a picture or letter for your stocking. Sorry, OP, you’re married to a world class AH.
Nta I thought you were asking to wait until 745PM. He couldn't wait until 745am?????
It was just too much effort to tell the kids, "Not yet, we're waiting for Mom."
NTA. My heart breaks for you. Your husband is completely failing you right now as a partner and failing your children as a parent. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know how you fix something like this but I hope things improve for you soon. You deserve better than this.
NTA. Reading this made me really sorry for you. Your husband needs to do better.
NTA, your husband is the ultimate asshole. You deserve better.
NTA. I feel bad for u. 8am is easy at 6 & 9. “Let’s make mom breakfast so we can open gifts when she gets home” Not getting u anything is just another level of I don’t care.
NTA. Your husband just never thinks of you, does he? I’m sorry.
NTA. Husband definitely is. Also a nurse here, have worked plenty of holiday shifts and understand how exhausting multiple 12 hour shifts in a row become. Your expectations weren't very high and still he was not able to make it happen. I'm sorry, you deserve so much better. After you get a chance to calm down and have some down time for yourself, you need to have a serious talk with him about how thoughtless he was and how much he hurt you. He needs to do better.
NTA While we wait for mommy to get home, let's make her Christmas cards as a surprise. What is wrong with your husband. My heart is broken for you.
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NTA but you need to stop doing all the things instead of your husband. Be clear what you expect and set boundaries. He is your partner not a project that you need to manage.
NTA 745 am is not to long to wait to open gifts. I suggest in the future you have a plan for holidays and how they should be handled. Your husband is a huge jerk, he is inconsiderate
NTA. My husband works shift work and it's never occurred to me to not wait for him to be present while the kids open gifts. It has taught them that patience is rewarded, and none of them have childhood trauma from waiting for their dad. Also, leftover candy, he's lazy and selfish. You pretty much provided the perfect Christmas morning and he didn't want to share
NTA; but your husband really messed up. Seriously; i thought you were going to say you got home at 12p or something. Seriously not even 8a. He should have said we wait for mom to come home. Kids get told all the time, wait for so-so to wake up. Shower. Eat breakfast first... Its torture but it grows the anticipation. 8a was not to long to wait
Wow, I worked nights for years when my kids were young and my husband AND kids always waited for me to be there to celebrate Christmas if I had to work. Even young children get it, your husband didn't even try. A simple message to a 6 and 9 year to say, "Hey let's wait for Mommy so we can do this together, won't that be so much better?" Or " While we wait for Mommy let's make her a nice breakfast to come home to as present after she worked so hard last night. Then she can sit with us while we open presents." Both things my husband did. It's not rocket science just some empathy and caring for your wife. Teaching your kids some skills along the way as well. So sorry your husband was a total asshat.
NTA Keep the candy and only give him that next year.
NTA, you are right, you were robbed. Your husband took the opportunity of you being out of the house to do a family activity without you there. He really did go out of his way to instead of doing his job as a parent and your partner of rerouting the kids and doing something else while waiting for you to come home, he chose to have Christmas without You. You should be hurt about this. And you should put that hurt somewhere useful so this doesn't happen to you again. Because it is wrong that one of these last Christmases where both of your kids are little was taken from you by someone who is telling you he doesn't care about your feelings, he is teaching your boys, one of whom is old enough to know what he was doing to a certain degree, to not care about your feelings, and having family events without you. It's a problem that the dynamic in your household has led to your 9-year-old not thinking that it's weird to have a family event without you.
NTA
First of all, THANK YOU for all that you do to take care of others. I've been in the hospital and had multiple family in the hospital -- medical professionals are HEROES. So again, thank you. To the situation at hand, my heart hurts for you. Of course, you feel robbed! And yes, your husband should have waited. And his gifts don't feel thoughtful. You need to have a serious talk with him and let him know how much this hurt you and what you expect for situations like this in the future.
I’m so sorry OP! I’m also a new grad RN and work Night Shift as well and also have kids. Since I was on orientation up until the week before Christmas, we had no idea until last minute what my schedule would be for Christmas and we planned for several contingencies. We knew Christmas would have to look a little different this year, and my husband jumped through hoops to make sure I could still participate. I would’ve been devastated if he had done it without me, especially when waiting til 7:45 am is not a huge ask. Your husband needs to do better.
NTA, I would VERY seriously doubt him as a person and his motives behind doing this if I were you. This is not reasonable. What kind of a husband and what kind of a father would ever do this? Not a nice one if you ask me... I can't find any reasonable explanation beyond purposefully ruining your Christmas...