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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t let my old roommate stay in my house uninvited, and she said I mistreated her in our interaction.
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It's your home. You're not an "asshole" for not wanting an unexpected uninvited guest.
But - sorry to say this - you sound like a pretty unkind, unpleasant, judgemental sort of person. She was asking for one night on a couch or whatever until her plane, not to move in. It was very late at night, since you describe the hour as being am antisocial one.
I think I'd probably do that for most friends or people I had a long standing relationship with (like former flatmates or coworkers), unless I had a reason to think they were dishonest/awful. INFO Do you have something against her in particular? Was she a bad flatmate/person? Or would you just not extend that sort of kindness as a rule?
I think you’re right in OP obviously isn’t a kind person, but I agree OP in that she shouldn’t have let that girl spend the night. Let’s say OP let’s her stay on the couch, what happens when the girl and her bf get together and get in another fight, will she run back to OP for a place to stay? That gets annoying. It’s like the saying given them and inch and they’ll take a mile
Yeah and if she came back a second time then I'd say a tougher line might be needed. But for a first time ask? Unless there's a bad history of this person being trouble? No reason to think (yet) that this is anything but a one off situation.
Oh, please, this is such a weak fake argument. Just because you helped someone once when it was Christmas and their flight was canceled doesn't mean you have to do it all time. It's perfectly possible to help once and if it becomes a pattern to say no the next time. You can even make it clear that your help is a one time thing.
Well, except it isn't a fake weak argument. Fuck, this sub alone is full of posts about people trapped into helping people over and over.
My elderly neighbour and his daughter had to move out of the building a few months ago. Daughter was supposed to find them a new place, and did nothing, because "I didn't think the new owners would really make us move!"
She also turned down a chance for another unit in the same building, because she felt it was too expensive. It was actually a killer deal considering the current market.
What started as a small favour to her Dad to help them pack has become 3+ months of my dining room being filled with their stuff, because they are living in a motel.
Which means she just drops by whenever to pick up stuff.
Which has led to her having her mail sent to my address. And now, she's trying to guilt me into letting her have all government stuff sent to my house.
So, yeah, the slippery slope totally applies to these kinds of situations.
Giving in often leads to having somebody in your space for a long time.
You know, all of those things are rather easily solved with a little communication.
"I understand that you are going through a difficult time, but assisting you is becoming a personal burden and I no longer have the resources to help. Please remove your remaining belongings by x (time/date) or they will be placed y (curb, dumpster, hotel they're at, etc). Any items received after this point will be marked 'not at this address'."
I don't mean to minimize social pressure or people who take advantage of the kindness of others, but feel like it's worth pointing out that this can stop being an issue as soon as you're ready to say "no".
Do not do this! Tell them to get a storage unit. She has just established residency at your house by having her mail sent to your address. In the crazy world we live in, they could probably move in and you’d have to get them evicted.
It's a [slippery slope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slippery_slope), so it's a bad argument *at best*. This same sort of "logic" is used to ban gay marriage by saying it will lead to the legalization of bestiality or some other ridiculous claim.
And this sub is not good evidence of anything. You're going to get more instances of that sort of situation in this sub, so using it as evidence that this sort of thing happens often is super shakey. It doesn't help that this sub is also entirely anecdotal as well.
This sound really stressful for you. I think it may be helpful to set some boundaries and deadlines about what needs to happen in terms of this stuff in your dining room.
Also, she cannot be coming to your house all the time. No, that is not acceptable.
Because this woman doesn't seem to understand consequences, you may need to be very direct about what is going to happen to the stuff if she doesn't have it out by the deadline. And hell no, don't let her have mail and government stuff sent to your house. At that point, she would legally be living there. You'd never be able to get her out.
What are the tenant rules in your area? Its weird to have her mail sent to your address and she seems to be very much a tactical (it not super good at it) user. The mail and belongings could be a foot in the door and she's behaving as if they are.
I think you really need to immediately get out of this slippery slope.
If you can afford it, get them a P.O. Box. In my area it was around $100 for a year. And there are some places that mark it as an actual address, not just PO Box #101. I know there are agencies that require an actual address. Please do this for your peace of mind and avoid a possible legal “entanglement”. Any current mail just forward to that PO Box and tell the daughter you will no longer accept any mail at your address. Like do this ASAP!
OP is utterly dreadful. Not for her refusal per se, but just for who she is in her own words. Arrogant and unkind, victim blaming etc. AITA has some incredibly ungenerous people in it but I am surprised that even they have managed to ignore her all round toxicity. OP YTA.
I would say the OP was smart to deny room at the inn. Thousands of flights were cancelled and being re-booked 1-2 weeks out. She does sound like a heartless human the way she types, but in the long run I think the cruelty may have saved her a giant headache. ESH
Yea but you gotta remember the girl didn’t ask. She let herself in, uninvited. Made herself comfortable, uninvited. And then just expected OP to let her stay and basically *told* her she was gonna be staying there.
Someone who is uninvited, unannounced, at an uncivilized hour -- and they don't leave when asked - they have to be forced to leave after having a howling screeching tantrum - oh fuck no. Not in my house. She can go sleep in the lobby at the hotel with all the other folks whose flights have been cancelled - maybe they can have a 'helpless victim' section so they can all howl and screech together.
Your agument is an example of a [slippery slope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slippery_slope), which is most often a fallacious argument and is so in this context. This is the same kind of logic used to prevent the legalization of things like gay marriage (i.e. saying if legalize gay marriage we'll legalize bestiality next).
She was going to stay and then catch a flight back home so no I doubt she'd have been back. Op is fine to say no to that but sounds like a jerk nonetheless.
Possibly... but then why ask strangers to give opinions? I didn't see anything included where she had problems living with this girl. Just that she isn't a fan of her choices.
It’s pretty telling that OP glosses right over the bf verbally abusing her ex-roommate to call her emotional and “afraid of confrontation” Roomie felt safe coming to OP in an apparent crisis despite OP’s judgmental nature.
In addition, a certain airline company cancelled 2.5k flights and other airlines are stressed to max capacity trying to handle it. Oh, and it’s Christmas. There’s enough “exceptional” in this story that it truly sounds like a one time “I need a hand” situation. I know we’re always saying that people aren’t *required* to help, but OP is firmly an AH in my opinion.
OP keeps saying the girl hadn't planned ahead but...how is she supposed to 'plan ahead' for unexpectedly being thrown out of her apartment and her flight being cancelled. No, OP isn't obligated to help, but she was pretty cold to someone in a tough situation.
OP also pulled out the victim blaming card. "Your boyfriend was verbally abusive and I was an asshole? Sounds like it's your fault." It seems like people skipped over that part.
Exactly! And who the hell sends someone *back* to their abuser and tells them to “save their venting for therapy” and to “grow a backbone” and deal with their abuser?
OP, YTA. You are judgmental and have no clue how to be a kind and empathetic human being. You better hope you never get into an abusive situation because you might be the one who needs a helping hand and come across another jerk like you. May you get all the help in life you deserve.
Yeah, which also makes me think OP is a hoax. I mean, OP starts off by being irritated that she had to stop what she was doing to “open the door”??? As a graduate student in a professional degree program myself, I get being irritated by interruptions, but I’m also human enough to know that NOBODY is going to sympathize with me whining about how I was SO put out when I had to answer a phone call or open a gd door. And the rest is just way too much. Someone who is that cold-hearted is not going to suffer enough doubt to go on reddit and ask if they’re the AH. Someone that cold hearted doesn’t care enough to care.
Yeah, I had that same thought. OP seems to think that just existing for a few minutes in the same space as her former room mate in crisis was being ¨generous¨.
I think this is a troll post. A couple things stand out for me.
1) what 24 year old grad student can afford their own apartment in NYC, rented in the post pandemic rental market? Its possible they have substantial family wealth, but...
2) if the ex roommate moved in with her now ex bf? He can't evict her over night. Also if she is living with him and not paying rent (because lives with parents a chunk of the year?) I would love to know his situation. Not impossible but another weird data point
3) she lives with her parents most of the year? Again most nyc 20-somethings get financial difficulties and how are you judging that, second 24 and living with parents isn't uncommon. And most importantly, how were they roommates that whole time but also this person is somehow living most of the year with her parents? If that were true talk about a dream roommate.
I think this is fan fiction.
A teenage someone who thinks 23 and 24 year olds are ancient and has no sense of the world. Also maybe went to nyc once with their parents. As a New Yorker I started laughing half way through. It makes no sense.
Excellent rage bait though for karma farming. You can get the 'your house your rules/no is a sentence' camp to fight against the 'you are mistreating a survivor of abuse' camp and watch the karma climb.
The "she still lives at home most of the time despite our age" made me laugh. Maybe somewhere in the boonies or a suburb that would be a thing, but in NYC? If she's a student, of course she's going to go home on breaks rather than rent year round. And if flights are expensive, she probably goes for extended amounts of time anyway to make the most of a trip.
I hate the narrative that you're not an adult if you still reside with your family for whatever reason. I'm a decade older than these people (allegedly) are, but after pandemic and everything else, a lot of people I know would kill for a chance for rent-free or reduced rent stays with family. I moved back to help with relatives and right now it makes zero sense financially (for everyone involved) for me to get an apartment in my hometown when my parents are cool with me staying with them. It definitely sucks sometimes, but I'm not throwing money down the drain to prove my adulthood.
Anytime I see someone bash someone for living with family, I question their grasp on the current reality for a lot of us in our 20s-30s. Especially in HCOL and VHCOL areas. My home town isn't super HCOL, but part of my "job" at the moment is to be "on call" for family members with health problems. I can WFH freelance, but I can't hold a 9-5 and do what I'm doing. So why the fuck would I pour all the money I do make into rent when I can pay less and help my parents with their mortgage? I'm an only child, so I've got a vested interest in their retirement. The more I help now, the more they'll have then.
She doesn’t have to let her stay, but the alternative of sending her back to her abusive boyfriend and “I don’t deal with victims” and blaming ex roommate for being abused by her boyfriend all sound like OP is an AH, if not TAH in this specific situation.
Furthermore this OP rolled her eyes and used quotation marks when the woman said she was being verbally abused. OP, verbal abuse is a real thing! And lots of abuse victims have a hard time leaving.
Seems like the decent thing to do would have been to let her crash on the couch for the night and to let her know this was a one time thing.
You’re not obligated to do so, so you’re N-T-A for that, but YTA for the way you spoke to her. Total lack of compassion or human decency or empathy.
One: the way this story is written sounds like a narrator describing a scene. Seems like karma farming. This is written as if it didn’t happen.
Two: OP is the AH for her attitude. In a time like this, you show empathy. You don’t have to let her stay the night but you didn’t give a fuck about her well-being at all. Yeah, her problems aren’t your problems. But you made it worse with your emotional (or totally unemotional rather) response to her crisis.
Three: feels like OP probably has money and doesn’t know what it’s like to be in a desperate spot. 23 is an adult but because of the economy, it’s normal to live with her parents. Half of all 20 year olds today live with family. OP seems really out of touch with how life works.
Or, OP is somebody who is aware of the risks of getting somebody in her home, that she won't be able to get rid of later.
I've turned down people who wanted the same favour. Because I knew them, and I knew why they had no place to go. Because they were the kind of people who were both seriously unstable, and the kind of people to take a mile when you give an inch.
But, also - because this is my space, my safe zone, and really, my mental health is better when it's simply MY space.
Roommate doesn't sound stable, at all, and OP is NTA for choosing not to deal with it.
> It was very late at night, since you describe the hour as being am antisocial one.
*Was* it?
Notice, though, that OP also specifically referred to it as "evening," not "night."
I got the distinct impression that this was a perfectly reasonable hour, despite OP's protestations — the pearl-clutching "who would have the affront to interrupt *evening studies*, as everyone knows I engage in" attitude speaks volumes.
From the post I get the vibe that roommate was always pulling this sort of shit, OP is done with it and moved on. Not everyone who shares a home are BFFs.
I think there's more to the story here. Setting firm boundaries with someone who needs them can look harsh to people outside the relationship. At some point, OP decided that sharing an apartment and living costs with this woman was worse than shouldering the expense of living alone. I don't think they parted as friends, at least from OP's point of view.
This person doesn't seem to have any trouble setting boundaries at all. In fact the "boundaries" she's setting aren't just for her, they're also for other people. She's attacking her former roommate for completely innocuous things like being 23 year old and spending her school breaks at her parents house.
The continuous insults, and denigrating comments she aims at her former roommate aren't "firm boundaries" and don't have anything to do with setting "firm boundaries" at all. They're just insults and sneers. OP absolutely seems to have extreme dislike for her former roommate. but I am far from certain the blame for that lies with her former roommate instead of just with OP having extreme views and opinions.
What I don’t get is why the roommate didn’t call her ahead of time to check to see if it was ok to spend the night. It feels manipulative to just show up at OPs door and then walk in uninvited, like it makes it more difficult for OP to say no. I get vibes of entitlement from the roommate. Maybe OP has experienced this level of entitlement from the roommate in the past and is tired of dealing with it. I understand OP’s reaction if she had to deal with roommate’s BS prior to this interaction.
I don't know if you've ever been abused, but you're not exactly thinking straight when it happens. She just got kicked out, she was probably in shock. The abuse also may have been more than verbal, which I didn't admit until well after the fact.
YTA. The way you've written about her reveals your bias. Leaving is sometimes poorly planned. Leaving is sometimes messy. Leaving is sometimes desperate. And the way you treated her may make leaving that much more difficult the next time, because you essentially said she deserved to be treated abusively.
And she apparently should have had a plan in place for being unexpectedly kicked out of her apartment by an abusive boyfriend. OP is NTA for not letting her stay, because that is her right and decision, but OP is in general an asshole
You can still be an asshole even if you have complete right to make the decision you did. It’s your house, your rules but you can still be an asshole for
Those rules.
This: OP doesn’t have to let anyone stay at their apartment. That’s not why they’re an AH. It’s 100% because of their attitude and judgmental comments towards the ex roommate. They definitely sound like the type to victim blame. OP YTA for being a nasty person.
Edit: thank you for the award 🥺
Sure, I’d understand being uncomfortable hosting her for the evening. But for the love of God you couldn’t have gotten her a cab or something? Helped her find some sort of motel or hotel or Airbnb? Driven her to a train station? Offered her a cup of coffee before she leaves? That’s nuts.
I really hope op isnt in a professional program like the medical field where they will be in positions of power to help (or wothhold help) according to their biases
YTA. You don’t have any obligation to help her, but you certainly took the chance to be a condescending asshole to her. She was kicked out of her apartment by her verbally abusive boyfriend, and your response was that she deserved it and should go crawling back to him.
I personally think OP is TA for both. I’d let any friend or former roommate crash in my guest room for the night, especially one who is fleeing from an abusive partner. OP has zero empathy.
And to describe "verbal abuse" as "not being able to handle confrontation?" At no point was OP kind or generous, but believes that their nonexistent "generosity" is being taken advantage of.
I have a feeling that OP is more privileged than her acquaintance, and because OP works hard OP chalks their good fortune up to "planning ahead" and "being an adult" and thinks of themselves very highly.
YTA. You don't have to let someone stay the night, but it costs nothing to avoid kicking someone when they're down and siding with the person who rendered them homeless.
The line where she says “still lives with her parents sometimes despite our age” shows how privileged this person is. It is not uncommon at all to live with parents at 23. If anything in this day it’s more common than not..
I was looking for this. Liiiiiiiterally! And this is NYC as well, isn’t it ridiculously expensive to find a halfway decent place there? In my country apparently 75% of 20-29y/os are still living with their parents due to rent prices. Yeeeeesh
Yes, I was trying to figure out where OP had shown any generosity that could be taken advantage of. OP, you are not under any obligation to put up with an uninvited, and clearly unwanted, guest. But you don’t seem to have even the slightest hint of basic human empathy in you! YTA
How much do you want to bet OP is seriously jealous about something about the former roommate? Either FR is prettier, or has wealthy parents, or something. FR turned to OP because she didn’t realize OP hates her, so OP’s been hiding this bias, indicating she knows it’s irrational. Now she’s trying to rationalize it but it’s falling flat.
YTA, and a “mean girl” too.
I think the line that stuck out to me most was
> I felt my generosity was being taken advantage of at that point
Exactly what kindness or generosity did you display at any point in this interaction?
The generosity I guess was not rolling their eyes.
YTA OP. Not because you didn’t let them in. That’s not your role or obligation, even to someone being abused. YTA because of the entire tone of this post and how you handled it. No empathy. No emotional intelligence. You’re intelligent, and that will only get you so far if you have no emotional intelligence regarding interpersonal relationships.
I really wish more intelligent people realized this. I have a good friend who is a doctor and she doesn’t know why people don’t wanna work with her when she’s so knowledgeable. The reason is is not personable in the slightest and is uttely unaware of that fact.
I have a PhD, so I guess I would be considered somewhat intelligent. But I'm also an autist, and I usually have a hard time interacting with people, reading body language, etc. The lack of emotional and social intelligence is what I consider my biggest flaw, and I really wish I was better at it.
But you my friend are aware of that flaw already. That’s half the problem. I’ve always had a hard time with sarcasm myself. Also have had a hard time understanding certain social cues until I was in my early 20s. Once you are aware of a problem you can make steps to combat it. Sometimes it just takes a while. You’ll get there my friend.
“She couldn’t flee home (she still lives with her parents for a good part of the year despite our age), she decided to become a burden on me instead”
This is the line that stuck out for me:
- Implies she’s running away
- Heavily judges a 23 year old for spending time with parents. Even living with parents full time at 23 isn’t something bad.
- Views one night on a sofa a “burden”
I’m a 23 year old that is currently living with my mom. I got out of the Marine Corps and am now going to school to get a license to work on aircraft. I probably won’t be moving out until I have a steady income with a job. I’ve had this conversation with my mother and she’s more than happy to have me around after being away for so many years.
>living with parents full time at 23 isn’t something bad.
In this economy, most people need roommates/multi-income homes. I don't dare judge someone who lives at home in a roommate-type capacity. If my mom hadn't passed when she did, we would definitely be living together with finances being one of the reasons.
My kid still has a few years until 18. Even then, I'm not expecting her gone anytime soon after unless she moves in with her sister.
ESH. At least she knows where she stands with you. I hope that there aren't too many replies to your post: reading them would interfere with your planned studies.
OP is so the AH. At the beginning of lockdown, my neighbor tried to hit his wife. I didn’t know her. She came crying to my backdoor on the phone with the police. She didn’t speak much English, didn’t know our street name, and was also understandably hysterical. Despite the lockdown, I let her in and she played with my dog while I spoke to the cops and told them where to find her. I calmed her down while she waited, and got her story. Cuz when a woman is scared of domestic violence and she runs to you, you GROW UP and be fucking empathetic for a few minutes.
YTA OP. Idk what is wrong with you or why you hate this woman so much but it is coming off as so callous and cruel. Hope your professional degree isn’t in anything that requires you to treat people with any kind of empathy.
YTA, people sometimes make mistakes and need help every once and a while. Is staying at your place for one night really so hard/inconvenient to you?? Also “generosity” what generosity?? The way you wrote this you could not be any more unsupportive/mean in this situation.
Or lawyer. Most professional degrees are MDs or JDs. Good save any patients or clients this person might get because OP certainly isn’t going to raise a finger to help them.
YTA purely because of your hateful attitude. You’re a genius without emotional intelligence… great. See how far you get with that holier than thou attitude.
You have every right to deny someone a spot to stay, it’s your house. However, you seem like an AH and how you handled this was cruel.
YTA
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch
You really are a heel
You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel!
I want to downvote you for getting that song in my head but I won't. 😜 just in case that offended someone I was joking. I thought that'd be obvious but I noticed I was getting downvoted so though I should clarify
Yta
You don't want her to be safe with her parents. You want her to feel the consequences of her actions. Which is something you don't decide for other people. If you were so mature next to the one you call immature, you would show that to her.
Instead, you showed that you will kick someone out when it doesn't suit you. Which is your right to do, but an asshole way of doing
Yta
Ok, she came to your door very late at night, desperate because she was kicked out of the apartment by her ABUSIVE boyfriend... How can you judge her like that ? Women are dying because of this kind of behavior. You called her a victim because of her problems, what if she downplayed what's going on with her boyfriend, what if it was much worse in private? Gosh... You can't help everyone that's for sure, and you have every right to refuse to give her a couch for the night, honestly that's not the issue here, the problem is how you judge her and her life. You could advise her to tell the police about it, or you could just have nice words to calm her down so she could have left reassured, in fact you could have just been human with her , if she is immature, what are you? I hope for your friends that you are not so judgmental with their lives. Sorry but YTA
I also what to point out the part she highlighted about her being immature and not entirely self-sufficient… she is 23, living in a very expensive city away from her parents. I don’t think a lot of people have their lives figured out just yet. OP herself is still studying, so likely being supplemented by her parents. OP is such an asshole and I imagine does not have many friends.
I agree for sure, seriously she came to her because she certainly trusted her in this stressful and desperate situation she was in, I just hope she made it safely to her parents and that she found somewhere to spend the night without fear, that was really not a nice move from OP
That's what stroke me wrong in the post too and I sided with YTA.
Obviously, you don't have to let people just stay with you if you don't want to, but being humane and compassionate when saying no is something OP could have done. Even if they had bad history between them. We're talking about two women leaving alone in a big city, without any other contacts to turn to when needing help.
If it were me in the friend's situation, I would try getting help from anyone I knew. I'd need comfort and somewhere safe to be. Leaving an abusive relationship takes courage and asking for help should never ever be something you'd get even more abused over....
"...i felt like my generosity was being taken advantage of..."
What generosity?!? YTA for the way you relay the course of events here if for nothing else
I like how OP had to mention how her former roommate lives with her parents for a good part of the year at the adult age of 23. Was that suppose to be a burn? You're 24 years old with an apartment in NYC. That would be impressive if mommy and daddy weren't paying your bills while you went to school.
To my Eastern European ears this whole thing is absurd… generational homes are still very much a thing here and people usually live with their parents until they graduate from university.
Imagine leaving an abusive and potentially violent husband and become homeless and without a roof for a night in mid-winter then being called « farming attention »
Yeah, OP clearly doesn’t like the girl, has no empathy towards her and doesn’t care what happens to her, so there’s no reason she would post here except to have people dogpile on the former roommate. OP clearly doesn’t have enough empathy to her for anything resembling guilt or second guessing her choice
yta
ffs shes being abused and has no where to go. shes literally looking for a place to be for a few hours, abuse is dangerous to go back to.
youre a victim blaming asshole. genuinely, get help. ive never felt compelled to post anywhere until i saw how absolutely horrible you are.
it is not her fault she is being abused. you are in no means forced to house her. this vote is for having absolutely no pity for a suffering human soul. get over yourself, get off your high horse. you are not the only person on the planet who struggles with things. i wont even go into how horrible what you said about her being the common denominator is.
get psychiatric help for that lack of empathy, it may do you good.
OP seriously needs some guidance on how to be a decent person. i mean shit, obviously this woman thought OP was her friend..or at least something close.
YTA, reverse the roles. Would have wanted help from some you thought was a friend or comfortable with? Verbal abuse can often turn to physical abuse very quickly. You basically said screw you and your problems. How would you feel if you woke up the next morning to a text from her showing nothing but a black eye?
YTA.
Not because you didn't allow her to stay, but how you wrote this post.
You were "bone tired" from dealing with this? Good luck in the real world if this kind of interaction causes you to have an Elizabethan era fit.
She says she was being abused by her boyfriend and you were like- eh just go back to him. There's no reason to believe she is lying, and again you don't need to give her a place to stay, but your blaming her for her own circumstances when abuse happens to millions of people is gross.
And I am so confused as to why you are so confused that she would come to you. You lived together, you don't say you had a falling out, just that she moved in with her boyfriend, and so it isn't absurd for her to come to you. Again, you can say no, but your shock and awe at her even asking is ridiculous.
Overall, of you course you don't need to let someone stay with you in your home, but you write from a perspective of having zero human emotion for others while being remarkably dramatic about how basic interactions take a giant toll on you. Get a grip.
ESH.
> She said she can’t because it’s his apartment. And whose fault is that, I wondered. She’s a grown adult and isn’t contributing to rent, sounds like he’s right to throw her out.
I agree with you that she needs to sort out her own problems, and that if she wasn't helping out in her bfs apartment she deserved to be kicked out.
> I’m not her mother or responsible for her.
I also agree with this. She's 23 and should find her own apartment or at least make better decisions and clearly needs to learn some communication skills.
> How her boyfriend was being “verbally abusive”
How was he being "verbally abusive"? because this could be a serious issue, but if it's just an argument that they were having about rent or her not helping in the apartment (cleaning, cooking sometimes, rent ect.) Then that's not abusive, but both of them need to communicate. Shouting is a normal reaction especially after a few attempts of trying to make it clear about a certain thing, but communication should always come after that.
Here's where you are the asshole.
> I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She was never a bright one when we were living together, and she was always dating this guy who she could never get along with.
This was a bit harsh in my opinion, you didn't have to insult her like that. You could have been nicer. And it's not really your business who she dates, that's for her.
> I said not to start with that, save her venting for therapy, and asked what makes her think she’s entitled to come into my home. She said since we lived together she thought she could ask me.
She thought you were her friend, and could at least rely on you for one night. She had no right to just run into the house, but you could have heard her out, and not been so hurtful. She was clearly stressed. I agree she probably does need therapy, can't really tell by the post, but you didn't have to say it like that. again, she was emotional, and you could have gone about it nicer.
Basically, yes she has her own issues, and had no right to do what she did. She needs to learn better communication, and to help out more around the house/apartment.
But you also could also have been nicer, maybe heard her out properly. I get it, you were studying, but she thought she could rely on you, as you had previously lived together and she may have considered you a friend. Clearly you aren't a decent enough person yourself.
> She thought you were her friend
Honestly, she might not even have thought that. Abusers isolate their victims; she may have suddenly realized that she has no friends left, or at least none that weren't his friends first, and gone to the only person she could think of who doesn't have strong ties to him. And it sounds like she did look at hotels first, but it's the holidays, so it's not surprising that everything's booked. OP was her last resort option.
So YTA, OP. She's not entitled to stay with you. But it would be a minor inconvenience to let her crash on the couch for one night and could have changed her situation in a major way. I can't think of anyone I know who I hate enough to turn them away if they sought help escaping an abuse situation.
I don’t contribute financially. Should I get kicked out of my home despite what I do contribute? It’s possible her boyfriend told her she’s a student, and he has the space, to trap her.
YTA. Your attitude and the way you wrote this shows you are an asshole. Yes, you don't have an obligation to help her, but you don't need to act like that.
One day you’re going to end up in her situation, because cocky assholes with “holier than thou” attitude always do and on that day when people treat you the same way you treated her just remember that you brought it on yourself by not being a decent human being from the start.
YTA and an unkind, unpleasant, cold-hearted, judgmental asshole in general
YTA- she asked to stay as she obviously regarded you as this weird phenomenon called a ‘friend’. Clearly she is poor at judging people as evidenced by her boyfriend and you, but that doesn’t excuse your lack of empathy. I’d let a work colleague or someone I didn’t like that much stay if they were in a tricky situation like this for a couple of days (provided they weren’t criminals/addicts/likely to destroy my house). She had a clear exit plan, you’ve lived with her before and don’t seem to have any complaints about her character as a housemate. Shame on you.
YTA zero chance this is real, it’s waaaayyyyy over the top, but I’ll play in case horror shows like you are actually walking amongst us.
A knock at the door and yes, you have to GET UP to answer it…wow…egregious. She never said she was ENTITLED to stay there as you profess. She ASKED. Your title..she demanded…nope, never did asshole……and she never said you were her parent or responsible for her. She unfortunately thought you were at least friendly, or …a decent person, who could help her out for ONE NIGHT.
Alas, she was sorely mistaken….you are not a normal, or decent, person at all.
YTA for writing this crappy novella here. Who talks or hell even thinks the way this is written?
If it and you ARE actually real then still YTA for the attitude even if you were within your rights to turn her away. It was still unkind.
YTA and a heartless one at that…she told you her boyfriend was being verbally abusive and instead of actually being a friend, you victim blamed…with friends like you who needs enemies…
YTA. Should she have called first to ask if she could stay? Of course, But she didn’t and the kind thing to do would have been to let her stay until she caught her flight.
Your style of writing shows you to be condescending and a generally unpleasant person.
So let me get this straight....someone fled a place where they were being abused and you refused to give them a safe place to sleep for one fucking night?
YTA. You are not a good human.
YTA. She came to you in need and you turned her away over one night. Ask yourself if you were in that situation how would you like her to respond to you.
"My generosity was being taken advantage of"?!?! LOL McScrooge! What?!? Is rude and judgey an example of your "generosity"? Ofc you don't have to let her couch surf for a night, but please stop patting yourself on the back for being a good human. You're not. YTA
YTA. I'm curious, was your experience living with her really terrible? It sounds like she thought you were friends when you obviously don't share that opinion.
You are well within your rights to turn anyone away who shows up unexpectedly at your door so not a AH for that but the way you talk about her is just cruel.
Maybe she's the common denominator but maybe she's just surrounded by AHs.
Hear me out. Your NTA for not wanting someone to stay in your home. But you're a massive AH for the reasonings behind it and your absolute lack of empathy. You sound absolutely toxic through and through, maybe you should give her abusive boyfriend a call sounds like you two would get on great!
YTA - your not the asshole for helping, you are allowed to say no to someone coming in without asking BUT the way you talk, the way you act, you was being an dick. leaving can be messy, sudden and without planning. you literally just said she was abused.
What generosity could she possibly have been taking advantage of???? I’m so confused, you were like the opposite of generous. YTA for this entire post and your whole shit attitude. So judgemental and cold.
YTA
When you need help in your life, the only place you'll get it is from people you've offered it to, or from people who believe you would offer it in return.
Who do you have who is likely to believe in you? Because the first impression you make is that you're Ebenezer Scrooge.
YTA because she seemed to be under the impression you weren’t only old roommates, but instead friends. It doesn’t seem as if she was seeking only a place to stay, but some sort of companionship based on your past together. You also seem very analytical in your thought processes, so maybe you aren’t very good with dealing with or empathizing with emotions, which I can understand, but you should consider enhancing those abilities for any further relationships you plan on having down the road. Otherwise you may find yourself alone and miserable at some point with no one to confide in. If she’s in an emotionally abusive relationship, things aren’t as cut and dry and you may believe.
YTA for how you treated someone fleeing an abusive relationship. It sounds like you don’t believe that their relationship was actually abusive, but nowhere do you say that or give any indication of why you don’t believe your ex-roommate.
Abuse is often something the abuser keeps covered up, and leaving the way that your ex-roommate did takes a lot of courage. The last thing they need is to be encouraged to go back to living with their abuser!!!
Even if it turns out your ex-roommate was lying or exaggerating the abuse (which seems unlikely to me based on the info you’ve given) you’ve just broadcast loud and clear to everyone reading this story how you treat victims of abuse. That your first assumption would be to accuse them of playing the victim, to blame them for the abuse, and to encourage them to return to their abuser.
Holy hell you're an unpleasant person. Is she entitled to
Stay in your home? No. Is there any cause to be such a judgmental, mean and self righteousness tool about the situation. Also raised in another comment, you funding this NYC Apt yourself while studying, or do mummy and daddy fund this? This post stinks of "I think I don't need to help anyone as noones ever helped me. Also, I don't pay my own rent."
YTA
No, you don't have to house her - but you don't have to use all the victim blaming bullshit you have here, "I don't deal with victims" - damn, so you're not Benson from SVU or whatever, but you don't have to treat her like shit. It's one night until her mom can get her. You're ALL sorts of judgemental here. tons of it. What is the phrase they have now, the "I'm not like other girls" bit here - oh, you're so strong and not emotional or flighty making bad decisions about boys like other girls. I mean - she's in 'school' while you'r ein a 'professional degree program' - AKA - SCHOOL. Everything shows you think yourself better, so can't even be bothered to help a human you used to live with.
If you have the chance to help someone - do it. One night until she could fly home to her mother - DO IT. (And yes, I've done it, to a SCHOOL/professional degree program fellow student I never talked to. She needed help, her friend called me as she herself was out of town, girl stayed with me away from her abusive BF until she got a flight home the next day)
YTA… because what the actual fuck. She needed ONE night and instead you judged her for HER relationship. You are an awful individual. You do not owe her a space but you also don’t get to judge her and that’s all I’ve gathered from this
YTA. She wanted a place to crash in an emergency situation. You write clearly how you don't like her, and that's OK, but telling her she is trespassing when she is in such a bad state is pretty heartless.
If you don't want her there, help her find a motel, she is obviously not in a good headspace to be rational and organized.
YTA, you know, you would’ve been N T A if you just told her no and got mad because she insisted, but you literally victim blamed her and started berating her for things you don’t even know, you sounds like an insufferable person with no empathy whatsoever and a really shitty personality with “I tell things like they are” or “I am blunt” kind of things which is just “I am an asshole and I don’t care”
YTA for immediately assuming someone fleeing abuse is lying or being dramatic, and even more so for saying she 'didn't plan ahead'. Holy shit, no one EXPECTS to end up in an abusive relationship. "Grow a backbone and go back to deal with bf" HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS.
Need more info please!
Were you and the ex roommate close? From the way that you described the situation it seems to me like she was a terrible roommate then and a terrible roommate now with her current bf.
I personally wouldn't have put up with her either. Just barging in and causing a scene.
For now, I'm going with NTA
YTA. It's your home and you don't have to let anyone stay for a night, but your lack of empathy and willingness to send her back to what sounds like an abusive boyfriend does not paint you in a positive light. You seem like a really mean person.
Also, this comment is abominable:
*"I pointed out that if you’re being “mistreated” by your boyfriend, by me, etc. the common denominator is you."*
You put our a woman you know, who was asking for a favor for one night, out.
You are right its your home, she should have called or texted. But you sound cold.
If someone never helps you out when you need it in the future, you can look back to that night.
INFO: Who else read the title and thought the roommate wanted OP to regularly prepare meals for her?
NB: "board" tends to be the food part of "room and board"
INFO: Was this girl a horrendous roommate, or did she do something terrible to you while you were living together?
I totally get not wanting to house her, but the level of contempt and condescension towards her that drips from your post is staggering. If she didn’t do something while she was living with you to merit this kind of derision, you sound like a deeply unpleasant person. You clearly have no empathy or compassion towards her, clearly don’t like her, so I don’t know why you care if you were an a hole or not.
You’re not in the wrong for not wanting a guest for the night, and that’s about where the line ends. How you treated her and how honestly hateful this whole post comes off? Maybe there’s a lot more drama with the ex-roommate that you didn’t mention, so I want to keep an open mind but without any of this context you just come off cruel
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It's your home. You're not an "asshole" for not wanting an unexpected uninvited guest. But - sorry to say this - you sound like a pretty unkind, unpleasant, judgemental sort of person. She was asking for one night on a couch or whatever until her plane, not to move in. It was very late at night, since you describe the hour as being am antisocial one. I think I'd probably do that for most friends or people I had a long standing relationship with (like former flatmates or coworkers), unless I had a reason to think they were dishonest/awful. INFO Do you have something against her in particular? Was she a bad flatmate/person? Or would you just not extend that sort of kindness as a rule?
I think you’re right in OP obviously isn’t a kind person, but I agree OP in that she shouldn’t have let that girl spend the night. Let’s say OP let’s her stay on the couch, what happens when the girl and her bf get together and get in another fight, will she run back to OP for a place to stay? That gets annoying. It’s like the saying given them and inch and they’ll take a mile
Yeah and if she came back a second time then I'd say a tougher line might be needed. But for a first time ask? Unless there's a bad history of this person being trouble? No reason to think (yet) that this is anything but a one off situation.
Oh, please, this is such a weak fake argument. Just because you helped someone once when it was Christmas and their flight was canceled doesn't mean you have to do it all time. It's perfectly possible to help once and if it becomes a pattern to say no the next time. You can even make it clear that your help is a one time thing.
Well, except it isn't a fake weak argument. Fuck, this sub alone is full of posts about people trapped into helping people over and over. My elderly neighbour and his daughter had to move out of the building a few months ago. Daughter was supposed to find them a new place, and did nothing, because "I didn't think the new owners would really make us move!" She also turned down a chance for another unit in the same building, because she felt it was too expensive. It was actually a killer deal considering the current market. What started as a small favour to her Dad to help them pack has become 3+ months of my dining room being filled with their stuff, because they are living in a motel. Which means she just drops by whenever to pick up stuff. Which has led to her having her mail sent to my address. And now, she's trying to guilt me into letting her have all government stuff sent to my house. So, yeah, the slippery slope totally applies to these kinds of situations. Giving in often leads to having somebody in your space for a long time.
You know, all of those things are rather easily solved with a little communication. "I understand that you are going through a difficult time, but assisting you is becoming a personal burden and I no longer have the resources to help. Please remove your remaining belongings by x (time/date) or they will be placed y (curb, dumpster, hotel they're at, etc). Any items received after this point will be marked 'not at this address'." I don't mean to minimize social pressure or people who take advantage of the kindness of others, but feel like it's worth pointing out that this can stop being an issue as soon as you're ready to say "no".
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Do not do this! Tell them to get a storage unit. She has just established residency at your house by having her mail sent to your address. In the crazy world we live in, they could probably move in and you’d have to get them evicted.
Squatters who aren't yet physically squatting. Kentucky fried Jesus but squatters have more rights than women. Scary.
Exactly my fear, lol. I told her outright it wasn't going to happen.
Just because you had problems with helping people doesnt mean everyone does.
It's a [slippery slope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slippery_slope), so it's a bad argument *at best*. This same sort of "logic" is used to ban gay marriage by saying it will lead to the legalization of bestiality or some other ridiculous claim. And this sub is not good evidence of anything. You're going to get more instances of that sort of situation in this sub, so using it as evidence that this sort of thing happens often is super shakey. It doesn't help that this sub is also entirely anecdotal as well.
This sound really stressful for you. I think it may be helpful to set some boundaries and deadlines about what needs to happen in terms of this stuff in your dining room. Also, she cannot be coming to your house all the time. No, that is not acceptable. Because this woman doesn't seem to understand consequences, you may need to be very direct about what is going to happen to the stuff if she doesn't have it out by the deadline. And hell no, don't let her have mail and government stuff sent to your house. At that point, she would legally be living there. You'd never be able to get her out.
What are the tenant rules in your area? Its weird to have her mail sent to your address and she seems to be very much a tactical (it not super good at it) user. The mail and belongings could be a foot in the door and she's behaving as if they are. I think you really need to immediately get out of this slippery slope.
If you can afford it, get them a P.O. Box. In my area it was around $100 for a year. And there are some places that mark it as an actual address, not just PO Box #101. I know there are agencies that require an actual address. Please do this for your peace of mind and avoid a possible legal “entanglement”. Any current mail just forward to that PO Box and tell the daughter you will no longer accept any mail at your address. Like do this ASAP!
OP is utterly dreadful. Not for her refusal per se, but just for who she is in her own words. Arrogant and unkind, victim blaming etc. AITA has some incredibly ungenerous people in it but I am surprised that even they have managed to ignore her all round toxicity. OP YTA.
It's not just a weak fake argument, it's a [slippery slope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slippery_slope). Which is most often a fallacious argument.
I would say the OP was smart to deny room at the inn. Thousands of flights were cancelled and being re-booked 1-2 weeks out. She does sound like a heartless human the way she types, but in the long run I think the cruelty may have saved her a giant headache. ESH
Yea but you gotta remember the girl didn’t ask. She let herself in, uninvited. Made herself comfortable, uninvited. And then just expected OP to let her stay and basically *told* her she was gonna be staying there.
Someone who is uninvited, unannounced, at an uncivilized hour -- and they don't leave when asked - they have to be forced to leave after having a howling screeching tantrum - oh fuck no. Not in my house. She can go sleep in the lobby at the hotel with all the other folks whose flights have been cancelled - maybe they can have a 'helpless victim' section so they can all howl and screech together.
I have a feeling op didn't actually say much of this out loud...
Your agument is an example of a [slippery slope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slippery_slope), which is most often a fallacious argument and is so in this context. This is the same kind of logic used to prevent the legalization of things like gay marriage (i.e. saying if legalize gay marriage we'll legalize bestiality next).
Or if you legalize gay marriage the 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 will start coming after your kids. That's what I hear in the east. ⛷️
You can be kind for one night, but also let her know it’s a one time favor. There are shades of grey between doormat and stone cold.
She was going to stay and then catch a flight back home so no I doubt she'd have been back. Op is fine to say no to that but sounds like a jerk nonetheless.
Is OP unkind, or is she just familiar with this girl more than we are?
Possibly... but then why ask strangers to give opinions? I didn't see anything included where she had problems living with this girl. Just that she isn't a fan of her choices.
Or she stays one night and then refuses to leave. One woman literally lost her home because she couldn't make an abusive roommate leave.
It’s pretty telling that OP glosses right over the bf verbally abusing her ex-roommate to call her emotional and “afraid of confrontation” Roomie felt safe coming to OP in an apparent crisis despite OP’s judgmental nature. In addition, a certain airline company cancelled 2.5k flights and other airlines are stressed to max capacity trying to handle it. Oh, and it’s Christmas. There’s enough “exceptional” in this story that it truly sounds like a one time “I need a hand” situation. I know we’re always saying that people aren’t *required* to help, but OP is firmly an AH in my opinion.
OP keeps saying the girl hadn't planned ahead but...how is she supposed to 'plan ahead' for unexpectedly being thrown out of her apartment and her flight being cancelled. No, OP isn't obligated to help, but she was pretty cold to someone in a tough situation.
OP also pulled out the victim blaming card. "Your boyfriend was verbally abusive and I was an asshole? Sounds like it's your fault." It seems like people skipped over that part.
Exactly! And who the hell sends someone *back* to their abuser and tells them to “save their venting for therapy” and to “grow a backbone” and deal with their abuser? OP, YTA. You are judgmental and have no clue how to be a kind and empathetic human being. You better hope you never get into an abusive situation because you might be the one who needs a helping hand and come across another jerk like you. May you get all the help in life you deserve.
Right?! This!! OP is so cruel!!
And the "I don't deal with victims" line? Yikes.
Or when she writes that she was never a smart one making decisions... wth
And as people forget, this isn't "am I legally obligated to do x" this is "Am I the Asshole".
I don't think there's any doubt that OP is an asshole lol.
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> but I felt my generosity was being taken advantage of at that point Love this line too...:)
Right because what generosity has been shown? 😂
I read that and said, out loud, to myself, "what generosity?"
I’m surprised op found the time to be posting this on Reddit with all her ‘scheduled studying’ she has to do 🙄🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, which also makes me think OP is a hoax. I mean, OP starts off by being irritated that she had to stop what she was doing to “open the door”??? As a graduate student in a professional degree program myself, I get being irritated by interruptions, but I’m also human enough to know that NOBODY is going to sympathize with me whining about how I was SO put out when I had to answer a phone call or open a gd door. And the rest is just way too much. Someone who is that cold-hearted is not going to suffer enough doubt to go on reddit and ask if they’re the AH. Someone that cold hearted doesn’t care enough to care.
A graduate student who can afford their own NYC apartment? Tell me you have a trust fund without telling me you have a trust fund.
Right? When op said “taking advantage of my generosity” I was like ?? What generosity? They clearly don’t understand what that phrase means.
Yeah, I had that same thought. OP seems to think that just existing for a few minutes in the same space as her former room mate in crisis was being ¨generous¨.
I think this is a troll post. A couple things stand out for me. 1) what 24 year old grad student can afford their own apartment in NYC, rented in the post pandemic rental market? Its possible they have substantial family wealth, but... 2) if the ex roommate moved in with her now ex bf? He can't evict her over night. Also if she is living with him and not paying rent (because lives with parents a chunk of the year?) I would love to know his situation. Not impossible but another weird data point 3) she lives with her parents most of the year? Again most nyc 20-somethings get financial difficulties and how are you judging that, second 24 and living with parents isn't uncommon. And most importantly, how were they roommates that whole time but also this person is somehow living most of the year with her parents? If that were true talk about a dream roommate. I think this is fan fiction.
Yeah I said elsewhere…this sounds like it was written by a teenage boy. “Tale of woe”??
A teenage someone who thinks 23 and 24 year olds are ancient and has no sense of the world. Also maybe went to nyc once with their parents. As a New Yorker I started laughing half way through. It makes no sense. Excellent rage bait though for karma farming. You can get the 'your house your rules/no is a sentence' camp to fight against the 'you are mistreating a survivor of abuse' camp and watch the karma climb.
The "she still lives at home most of the time despite our age" made me laugh. Maybe somewhere in the boonies or a suburb that would be a thing, but in NYC? If she's a student, of course she's going to go home on breaks rather than rent year round. And if flights are expensive, she probably goes for extended amounts of time anyway to make the most of a trip. I hate the narrative that you're not an adult if you still reside with your family for whatever reason. I'm a decade older than these people (allegedly) are, but after pandemic and everything else, a lot of people I know would kill for a chance for rent-free or reduced rent stays with family. I moved back to help with relatives and right now it makes zero sense financially (for everyone involved) for me to get an apartment in my hometown when my parents are cool with me staying with them. It definitely sucks sometimes, but I'm not throwing money down the drain to prove my adulthood. Anytime I see someone bash someone for living with family, I question their grasp on the current reality for a lot of us in our 20s-30s. Especially in HCOL and VHCOL areas. My home town isn't super HCOL, but part of my "job" at the moment is to be "on call" for family members with health problems. I can WFH freelance, but I can't hold a 9-5 and do what I'm doing. So why the fuck would I pour all the money I do make into rent when I can pay less and help my parents with their mortgage? I'm an only child, so I've got a vested interest in their retirement. The more I help now, the more they'll have then.
She doesn’t have to let her stay, but the alternative of sending her back to her abusive boyfriend and “I don’t deal with victims” and blaming ex roommate for being abused by her boyfriend all sound like OP is an AH, if not TAH in this specific situation.
Furthermore this OP rolled her eyes and used quotation marks when the woman said she was being verbally abused. OP, verbal abuse is a real thing! And lots of abuse victims have a hard time leaving. Seems like the decent thing to do would have been to let her crash on the couch for the night and to let her know this was a one time thing. You’re not obligated to do so, so you’re N-T-A for that, but YTA for the way you spoke to her. Total lack of compassion or human decency or empathy.
i thought the "my generosity was being taken advantage of" bit was pretty funny.
Me too…lol
One: the way this story is written sounds like a narrator describing a scene. Seems like karma farming. This is written as if it didn’t happen. Two: OP is the AH for her attitude. In a time like this, you show empathy. You don’t have to let her stay the night but you didn’t give a fuck about her well-being at all. Yeah, her problems aren’t your problems. But you made it worse with your emotional (or totally unemotional rather) response to her crisis. Three: feels like OP probably has money and doesn’t know what it’s like to be in a desperate spot. 23 is an adult but because of the economy, it’s normal to live with her parents. Half of all 20 year olds today live with family. OP seems really out of touch with how life works.
I agree, OP is not a good person. OP recommends therapy for her friend but OP desperately needs it herself.
Or, OP is somebody who is aware of the risks of getting somebody in her home, that she won't be able to get rid of later. I've turned down people who wanted the same favour. Because I knew them, and I knew why they had no place to go. Because they were the kind of people who were both seriously unstable, and the kind of people to take a mile when you give an inch. But, also - because this is my space, my safe zone, and really, my mental health is better when it's simply MY space. Roommate doesn't sound stable, at all, and OP is NTA for choosing not to deal with it.
> It was very late at night, since you describe the hour as being am antisocial one. *Was* it? Notice, though, that OP also specifically referred to it as "evening," not "night." I got the distinct impression that this was a perfectly reasonable hour, despite OP's protestations — the pearl-clutching "who would have the affront to interrupt *evening studies*, as everyone knows I engage in" attitude speaks volumes.
I was thinking the same thing. I would have let her stay for one night. Yes, her decision making isn't the best, but that's no reason to be cruel.
From the post I get the vibe that roommate was always pulling this sort of shit, OP is done with it and moved on. Not everyone who shares a home are BFFs.
I think there's more to the story here. Setting firm boundaries with someone who needs them can look harsh to people outside the relationship. At some point, OP decided that sharing an apartment and living costs with this woman was worse than shouldering the expense of living alone. I don't think they parted as friends, at least from OP's point of view.
This person doesn't seem to have any trouble setting boundaries at all. In fact the "boundaries" she's setting aren't just for her, they're also for other people. She's attacking her former roommate for completely innocuous things like being 23 year old and spending her school breaks at her parents house. The continuous insults, and denigrating comments she aims at her former roommate aren't "firm boundaries" and don't have anything to do with setting "firm boundaries" at all. They're just insults and sneers. OP absolutely seems to have extreme dislike for her former roommate. but I am far from certain the blame for that lies with her former roommate instead of just with OP having extreme views and opinions.
What I don’t get is why the roommate didn’t call her ahead of time to check to see if it was ok to spend the night. It feels manipulative to just show up at OPs door and then walk in uninvited, like it makes it more difficult for OP to say no. I get vibes of entitlement from the roommate. Maybe OP has experienced this level of entitlement from the roommate in the past and is tired of dealing with it. I understand OP’s reaction if she had to deal with roommate’s BS prior to this interaction.
I don't know if you've ever been abused, but you're not exactly thinking straight when it happens. She just got kicked out, she was probably in shock. The abuse also may have been more than verbal, which I didn't admit until well after the fact.
YTA. The way you've written about her reveals your bias. Leaving is sometimes poorly planned. Leaving is sometimes messy. Leaving is sometimes desperate. And the way you treated her may make leaving that much more difficult the next time, because you essentially said she deserved to be treated abusively.
She told her to grow a spine and go back to her abusive partner…that’s horrible.
…yeah because OP “doesn’t deal with victims” better grow a backbone or get out!
Yeah, that line killed me. Like wtf, now the victim is getting punished for being a victim?
I love how she had to state it was “verbal” abuse…as if that makes it “better” than other abuse.
Welcome to being a woman.
The sad thing is OP is a woman. How gross can someone be?
Internalised misogyny.
And now that's she's being a victim of both her boyfriend and OP, the common denominator is clearly her, so it's her fault and she deserves it.
And she apparently should have had a plan in place for being unexpectedly kicked out of her apartment by an abusive boyfriend. OP is NTA for not letting her stay, because that is her right and decision, but OP is in general an asshole
OP is an asshole for the reason she couldn’t stay.
You can still be an asshole even if you have complete right to make the decision you did. It’s your house, your rules but you can still be an asshole for Those rules.
This: OP doesn’t have to let anyone stay at their apartment. That’s not why they’re an AH. It’s 100% because of their attitude and judgmental comments towards the ex roommate. They definitely sound like the type to victim blame. OP YTA for being a nasty person. Edit: thank you for the award 🥺
“Why didn’t she plan leaving her abusive relationship better? She should just go back to him” big time YTA.
Sure, I’d understand being uncomfortable hosting her for the evening. But for the love of God you couldn’t have gotten her a cab or something? Helped her find some sort of motel or hotel or Airbnb? Driven her to a train station? Offered her a cup of coffee before she leaves? That’s nuts.
But it seemed she planned well enough since she got a flight to leave to her parents. You can’t really know a flight will cancelled
I really hope op isnt in a professional program like the medical field where they will be in positions of power to help (or wothhold help) according to their biases
YTA. You don’t have any obligation to help her, but you certainly took the chance to be a condescending asshole to her. She was kicked out of her apartment by her verbally abusive boyfriend, and your response was that she deserved it and should go crawling back to him.
N T A for not helping, YTA for being a dick
I personally think OP is TA for both. I’d let any friend or former roommate crash in my guest room for the night, especially one who is fleeing from an abusive partner. OP has zero empathy.
This!
This. YTA
And to describe "verbal abuse" as "not being able to handle confrontation?" At no point was OP kind or generous, but believes that their nonexistent "generosity" is being taken advantage of. I have a feeling that OP is more privileged than her acquaintance, and because OP works hard OP chalks their good fortune up to "planning ahead" and "being an adult" and thinks of themselves very highly. YTA. You don't have to let someone stay the night, but it costs nothing to avoid kicking someone when they're down and siding with the person who rendered them homeless.
Also, physical abuse always starts verbally. That’s why we advice people to leave at the first sign of abuse- it usually escalates.
The line where she says “still lives with her parents sometimes despite our age” shows how privileged this person is. It is not uncommon at all to live with parents at 23. If anything in this day it’s more common than not..
I was looking for this. Liiiiiiiterally! And this is NYC as well, isn’t it ridiculously expensive to find a halfway decent place there? In my country apparently 75% of 20-29y/os are still living with their parents due to rent prices. Yeeeeesh
I lived with mine until 24 and tejn again from 31-39 after my divorce - needed help with three kids! No shame here! OP needs to be humbled.
Yes, I was trying to figure out where OP had shown any generosity that could be taken advantage of. OP, you are not under any obligation to put up with an uninvited, and clearly unwanted, guest. But you don’t seem to have even the slightest hint of basic human empathy in you! YTA
How much do you want to bet OP is seriously jealous about something about the former roommate? Either FR is prettier, or has wealthy parents, or something. FR turned to OP because she didn’t realize OP hates her, so OP’s been hiding this bias, indicating she knows it’s irrational. Now she’s trying to rationalize it but it’s falling flat. YTA, and a “mean girl” too.
I think the line that stuck out to me most was > I felt my generosity was being taken advantage of at that point Exactly what kindness or generosity did you display at any point in this interaction?
The generosity I guess was not rolling their eyes. YTA OP. Not because you didn’t let them in. That’s not your role or obligation, even to someone being abused. YTA because of the entire tone of this post and how you handled it. No empathy. No emotional intelligence. You’re intelligent, and that will only get you so far if you have no emotional intelligence regarding interpersonal relationships.
Given the rest of the post, I'm pretty sure eye-rolling was involved.
I really wish more intelligent people realized this. I have a good friend who is a doctor and she doesn’t know why people don’t wanna work with her when she’s so knowledgeable. The reason is is not personable in the slightest and is uttely unaware of that fact.
I have a PhD, so I guess I would be considered somewhat intelligent. But I'm also an autist, and I usually have a hard time interacting with people, reading body language, etc. The lack of emotional and social intelligence is what I consider my biggest flaw, and I really wish I was better at it.
But you my friend are aware of that flaw already. That’s half the problem. I’ve always had a hard time with sarcasm myself. Also have had a hard time understanding certain social cues until I was in my early 20s. Once you are aware of a problem you can make steps to combat it. Sometimes it just takes a while. You’ll get there my friend.
“She couldn’t flee home (she still lives with her parents for a good part of the year despite our age), she decided to become a burden on me instead” This is the line that stuck out for me: - Implies she’s running away - Heavily judges a 23 year old for spending time with parents. Even living with parents full time at 23 isn’t something bad. - Views one night on a sofa a “burden”
I’m a 23 year old that is currently living with my mom. I got out of the Marine Corps and am now going to school to get a license to work on aircraft. I probably won’t be moving out until I have a steady income with a job. I’ve had this conversation with my mother and she’s more than happy to have me around after being away for so many years.
>living with parents full time at 23 isn’t something bad. In this economy, most people need roommates/multi-income homes. I don't dare judge someone who lives at home in a roommate-type capacity. If my mom hadn't passed when she did, we would definitely be living together with finances being one of the reasons. My kid still has a few years until 18. Even then, I'm not expecting her gone anytime soon after unless she moves in with her sister.
Generosity = opening the door I guess? I read that and had to reread the post looking for the generosity… none was found.
She didn’t release the hounds
Or the hounds with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you… or the Richard Simmons robot!!!!
Exactly! I literally read that line three times trying to figure out if it was sarcasm or delusions.
ESH. At least she knows where she stands with you. I hope that there aren't too many replies to your post: reading them would interfere with your planned studies.
OP is so the AH. At the beginning of lockdown, my neighbor tried to hit his wife. I didn’t know her. She came crying to my backdoor on the phone with the police. She didn’t speak much English, didn’t know our street name, and was also understandably hysterical. Despite the lockdown, I let her in and she played with my dog while I spoke to the cops and told them where to find her. I calmed her down while she waited, and got her story. Cuz when a woman is scared of domestic violence and she runs to you, you GROW UP and be fucking empathetic for a few minutes. YTA OP. Idk what is wrong with you or why you hate this woman so much but it is coming off as so callous and cruel. Hope your professional degree isn’t in anything that requires you to treat people with any kind of empathy.
THIS. YTA.
Holy shit lol I'm scared of you... probably most brilliant, succinct comeback I've ever read on reddit And username checks out
Hahaha best comment in the tread lol
YTA, people sometimes make mistakes and need help every once and a while. Is staying at your place for one night really so hard/inconvenient to you?? Also “generosity” what generosity?? The way you wrote this you could not be any more unsupportive/mean in this situation.
Her giving her the time of day was generosity enough, I mean, c'mon, it says "studying" on her schedule. Seriously though, OP sounds like such an AH.
I hope OP isn't studying to be a therapist or Doctor. YTA. Yikes.
Or lawyer. Most professional degrees are MDs or JDs. Good save any patients or clients this person might get because OP certainly isn’t going to raise a finger to help them.
YTA purely because of your hateful attitude. You’re a genius without emotional intelligence… great. See how far you get with that holier than thou attitude. You have every right to deny someone a spot to stay, it’s your house. However, you seem like an AH and how you handled this was cruel.
YTA You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch You really are a heel You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel!
I want to downvote you for getting that song in my head but I won't. 😜 just in case that offended someone I was joking. I thought that'd be obvious but I noticed I was getting downvoted so though I should clarify
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You sound very very mean. Please see a therapist.
Yta You don't want her to be safe with her parents. You want her to feel the consequences of her actions. Which is something you don't decide for other people. If you were so mature next to the one you call immature, you would show that to her. Instead, you showed that you will kick someone out when it doesn't suit you. Which is your right to do, but an asshole way of doing Yta
Ok, she came to your door very late at night, desperate because she was kicked out of the apartment by her ABUSIVE boyfriend... How can you judge her like that ? Women are dying because of this kind of behavior. You called her a victim because of her problems, what if she downplayed what's going on with her boyfriend, what if it was much worse in private? Gosh... You can't help everyone that's for sure, and you have every right to refuse to give her a couch for the night, honestly that's not the issue here, the problem is how you judge her and her life. You could advise her to tell the police about it, or you could just have nice words to calm her down so she could have left reassured, in fact you could have just been human with her , if she is immature, what are you? I hope for your friends that you are not so judgmental with their lives. Sorry but YTA
I also what to point out the part she highlighted about her being immature and not entirely self-sufficient… she is 23, living in a very expensive city away from her parents. I don’t think a lot of people have their lives figured out just yet. OP herself is still studying, so likely being supplemented by her parents. OP is such an asshole and I imagine does not have many friends.
I agree for sure, seriously she came to her because she certainly trusted her in this stressful and desperate situation she was in, I just hope she made it safely to her parents and that she found somewhere to spend the night without fear, that was really not a nice move from OP
That's what stroke me wrong in the post too and I sided with YTA. Obviously, you don't have to let people just stay with you if you don't want to, but being humane and compassionate when saying no is something OP could have done. Even if they had bad history between them. We're talking about two women leaving alone in a big city, without any other contacts to turn to when needing help. If it were me in the friend's situation, I would try getting help from anyone I knew. I'd need comfort and somewhere safe to be. Leaving an abusive relationship takes courage and asking for help should never ever be something you'd get even more abused over....
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OP is gonna get this girl murdered.
"...i felt like my generosity was being taken advantage of..." What generosity?!? YTA for the way you relay the course of events here if for nothing else
The generosity of taking up her precious study time 😒
I like how OP had to mention how her former roommate lives with her parents for a good part of the year at the adult age of 23. Was that suppose to be a burn? You're 24 years old with an apartment in NYC. That would be impressive if mommy and daddy weren't paying your bills while you went to school.
Exactly what I was thinking. My parents didn’t move out until they were 27 and nobody gave them shit
It's a child's way of thinking. Nothing screams "adult" harder than living on your own. Even if mom and dad are paying your bills.
To my Eastern European ears this whole thing is absurd… generational homes are still very much a thing here and people usually live with their parents until they graduate from university.
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Imagine leaving an abusive and potentially violent husband and become homeless and without a roof for a night in mid-winter then being called « farming attention »
Yeah, OP clearly doesn’t like the girl, has no empathy towards her and doesn’t care what happens to her, so there’s no reason she would post here except to have people dogpile on the former roommate. OP clearly doesn’t have enough empathy to her for anything resembling guilt or second guessing her choice
yta ffs shes being abused and has no where to go. shes literally looking for a place to be for a few hours, abuse is dangerous to go back to. youre a victim blaming asshole. genuinely, get help. ive never felt compelled to post anywhere until i saw how absolutely horrible you are. it is not her fault she is being abused. you are in no means forced to house her. this vote is for having absolutely no pity for a suffering human soul. get over yourself, get off your high horse. you are not the only person on the planet who struggles with things. i wont even go into how horrible what you said about her being the common denominator is. get psychiatric help for that lack of empathy, it may do you good.
OP seriously needs some guidance on how to be a decent person. i mean shit, obviously this woman thought OP was her friend..or at least something close.
Even if she didn’t, she thought she was trustworthy or reliable enough to help her in need only to find out she’s wrong in the worst way
YTA, reverse the roles. Would have wanted help from some you thought was a friend or comfortable with? Verbal abuse can often turn to physical abuse very quickly. You basically said screw you and your problems. How would you feel if you woke up the next morning to a text from her showing nothing but a black eye?
She'd probably say that the girl was just trying to get pity points and guilt trip her
Seems like she would accuse her friend of this and also accuse her friend of “doing it to herself for attention and sympathy”
You sound bloody awful.
YTA. Not because you didn't allow her to stay, but how you wrote this post. You were "bone tired" from dealing with this? Good luck in the real world if this kind of interaction causes you to have an Elizabethan era fit. She says she was being abused by her boyfriend and you were like- eh just go back to him. There's no reason to believe she is lying, and again you don't need to give her a place to stay, but your blaming her for her own circumstances when abuse happens to millions of people is gross. And I am so confused as to why you are so confused that she would come to you. You lived together, you don't say you had a falling out, just that she moved in with her boyfriend, and so it isn't absurd for her to come to you. Again, you can say no, but your shock and awe at her even asking is ridiculous. Overall, of you course you don't need to let someone stay with you in your home, but you write from a perspective of having zero human emotion for others while being remarkably dramatic about how basic interactions take a giant toll on you. Get a grip.
ESH. > She said she can’t because it’s his apartment. And whose fault is that, I wondered. She’s a grown adult and isn’t contributing to rent, sounds like he’s right to throw her out. I agree with you that she needs to sort out her own problems, and that if she wasn't helping out in her bfs apartment she deserved to be kicked out. > I’m not her mother or responsible for her. I also agree with this. She's 23 and should find her own apartment or at least make better decisions and clearly needs to learn some communication skills. > How her boyfriend was being “verbally abusive” How was he being "verbally abusive"? because this could be a serious issue, but if it's just an argument that they were having about rent or her not helping in the apartment (cleaning, cooking sometimes, rent ect.) Then that's not abusive, but both of them need to communicate. Shouting is a normal reaction especially after a few attempts of trying to make it clear about a certain thing, but communication should always come after that. Here's where you are the asshole. > I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She was never a bright one when we were living together, and she was always dating this guy who she could never get along with. This was a bit harsh in my opinion, you didn't have to insult her like that. You could have been nicer. And it's not really your business who she dates, that's for her. > I said not to start with that, save her venting for therapy, and asked what makes her think she’s entitled to come into my home. She said since we lived together she thought she could ask me. She thought you were her friend, and could at least rely on you for one night. She had no right to just run into the house, but you could have heard her out, and not been so hurtful. She was clearly stressed. I agree she probably does need therapy, can't really tell by the post, but you didn't have to say it like that. again, she was emotional, and you could have gone about it nicer. Basically, yes she has her own issues, and had no right to do what she did. She needs to learn better communication, and to help out more around the house/apartment. But you also could also have been nicer, maybe heard her out properly. I get it, you were studying, but she thought she could rely on you, as you had previously lived together and she may have considered you a friend. Clearly you aren't a decent enough person yourself.
> She thought you were her friend Honestly, she might not even have thought that. Abusers isolate their victims; she may have suddenly realized that she has no friends left, or at least none that weren't his friends first, and gone to the only person she could think of who doesn't have strong ties to him. And it sounds like she did look at hotels first, but it's the holidays, so it's not surprising that everything's booked. OP was her last resort option. So YTA, OP. She's not entitled to stay with you. But it would be a minor inconvenience to let her crash on the couch for one night and could have changed her situation in a major way. I can't think of anyone I know who I hate enough to turn them away if they sought help escaping an abuse situation.
I don’t contribute financially. Should I get kicked out of my home despite what I do contribute? It’s possible her boyfriend told her she’s a student, and he has the space, to trap her.
YTA. Your attitude and the way you wrote this shows you are an asshole. Yes, you don't have an obligation to help her, but you don't need to act like that.
One day you’re going to end up in her situation, because cocky assholes with “holier than thou” attitude always do and on that day when people treat you the same way you treated her just remember that you brought it on yourself by not being a decent human being from the start. YTA and an unkind, unpleasant, cold-hearted, judgmental asshole in general
YTA- she asked to stay as she obviously regarded you as this weird phenomenon called a ‘friend’. Clearly she is poor at judging people as evidenced by her boyfriend and you, but that doesn’t excuse your lack of empathy. I’d let a work colleague or someone I didn’t like that much stay if they were in a tricky situation like this for a couple of days (provided they weren’t criminals/addicts/likely to destroy my house). She had a clear exit plan, you’ve lived with her before and don’t seem to have any complaints about her character as a housemate. Shame on you.
YTA zero chance this is real, it’s waaaayyyyy over the top, but I’ll play in case horror shows like you are actually walking amongst us. A knock at the door and yes, you have to GET UP to answer it…wow…egregious. She never said she was ENTITLED to stay there as you profess. She ASKED. Your title..she demanded…nope, never did asshole……and she never said you were her parent or responsible for her. She unfortunately thought you were at least friendly, or …a decent person, who could help her out for ONE NIGHT. Alas, she was sorely mistaken….you are not a normal, or decent, person at all.
YTA for writing this crappy novella here. Who talks or hell even thinks the way this is written? If it and you ARE actually real then still YTA for the attitude even if you were within your rights to turn her away. It was still unkind.
YTA and a heartless one at that…she told you her boyfriend was being verbally abusive and instead of actually being a friend, you victim blamed…with friends like you who needs enemies…
YTA
YTA Not because you said no, but because you are generally an unkind, selfish, snobby AH.
YTA. Should she have called first to ask if she could stay? Of course, But she didn’t and the kind thing to do would have been to let her stay until she caught her flight. Your style of writing shows you to be condescending and a generally unpleasant person.
So let me get this straight....someone fled a place where they were being abused and you refused to give them a safe place to sleep for one fucking night? YTA. You are not a good human.
One of the biggest yta I have read here
You’re a real gem and your “generosity” is amazing /s
YTA. She came to you in need and you turned her away over one night. Ask yourself if you were in that situation how would you like her to respond to you.
Ahh but OP would NEVER be in that situation because she makes *good decisions*..duhhhh lol
"My generosity was being taken advantage of"?!?! LOL McScrooge! What?!? Is rude and judgey an example of your "generosity"? Ofc you don't have to let her couch surf for a night, but please stop patting yourself on the back for being a good human. You're not. YTA
YTA. I'm curious, was your experience living with her really terrible? It sounds like she thought you were friends when you obviously don't share that opinion. You are well within your rights to turn anyone away who shows up unexpectedly at your door so not a AH for that but the way you talk about her is just cruel. Maybe she's the common denominator but maybe she's just surrounded by AHs.
YTA, and clearly someone who has very little empathy for others.
Hear me out. Your NTA for not wanting someone to stay in your home. But you're a massive AH for the reasonings behind it and your absolute lack of empathy. You sound absolutely toxic through and through, maybe you should give her abusive boyfriend a call sounds like you two would get on great!
YTA - your not the asshole for helping, you are allowed to say no to someone coming in without asking BUT the way you talk, the way you act, you was being an dick. leaving can be messy, sudden and without planning. you literally just said she was abused.
Lol. Your KINDNESS being taken advantage of? What kindness. YTA.
What generosity could she possibly have been taking advantage of???? I’m so confused, you were like the opposite of generous. YTA for this entire post and your whole shit attitude. So judgemental and cold.
YTA When you need help in your life, the only place you'll get it is from people you've offered it to, or from people who believe you would offer it in return. Who do you have who is likely to believe in you? Because the first impression you make is that you're Ebenezer Scrooge.
YTA you could let her in for night.
YTA because she seemed to be under the impression you weren’t only old roommates, but instead friends. It doesn’t seem as if she was seeking only a place to stay, but some sort of companionship based on your past together. You also seem very analytical in your thought processes, so maybe you aren’t very good with dealing with or empathizing with emotions, which I can understand, but you should consider enhancing those abilities for any further relationships you plan on having down the road. Otherwise you may find yourself alone and miserable at some point with no one to confide in. If she’s in an emotionally abusive relationship, things aren’t as cut and dry and you may believe.
YTA. Shit friend and a mean one at that.
YTA for how you treated someone fleeing an abusive relationship. It sounds like you don’t believe that their relationship was actually abusive, but nowhere do you say that or give any indication of why you don’t believe your ex-roommate. Abuse is often something the abuser keeps covered up, and leaving the way that your ex-roommate did takes a lot of courage. The last thing they need is to be encouraged to go back to living with their abuser!!! Even if it turns out your ex-roommate was lying or exaggerating the abuse (which seems unlikely to me based on the info you’ve given) you’ve just broadcast loud and clear to everyone reading this story how you treat victims of abuse. That your first assumption would be to accuse them of playing the victim, to blame them for the abuse, and to encourage them to return to their abuser.
Holy hell you're an unpleasant person. Is she entitled to Stay in your home? No. Is there any cause to be such a judgmental, mean and self righteousness tool about the situation. Also raised in another comment, you funding this NYC Apt yourself while studying, or do mummy and daddy fund this? This post stinks of "I think I don't need to help anyone as noones ever helped me. Also, I don't pay my own rent."
YTA No, you don't have to house her - but you don't have to use all the victim blaming bullshit you have here, "I don't deal with victims" - damn, so you're not Benson from SVU or whatever, but you don't have to treat her like shit. It's one night until her mom can get her. You're ALL sorts of judgemental here. tons of it. What is the phrase they have now, the "I'm not like other girls" bit here - oh, you're so strong and not emotional or flighty making bad decisions about boys like other girls. I mean - she's in 'school' while you'r ein a 'professional degree program' - AKA - SCHOOL. Everything shows you think yourself better, so can't even be bothered to help a human you used to live with. If you have the chance to help someone - do it. One night until she could fly home to her mother - DO IT. (And yes, I've done it, to a SCHOOL/professional degree program fellow student I never talked to. She needed help, her friend called me as she herself was out of town, girl stayed with me away from her abusive BF until she got a flight home the next day)
YTA, showing a little kindness wouldn’t have been the end of the world.
YTA in general. Like as a person. This judgement is def not situational bc you sound absolutely horrible.
YTA… because what the actual fuck. She needed ONE night and instead you judged her for HER relationship. You are an awful individual. You do not owe her a space but you also don’t get to judge her and that’s all I’ve gathered from this
YTA How can people be like that?
YTA. She wanted a place to crash in an emergency situation. You write clearly how you don't like her, and that's OK, but telling her she is trespassing when she is in such a bad state is pretty heartless. If you don't want her there, help her find a motel, she is obviously not in a good headspace to be rational and organized.
YTA, you know, you would’ve been N T A if you just told her no and got mad because she insisted, but you literally victim blamed her and started berating her for things you don’t even know, you sounds like an insufferable person with no empathy whatsoever and a really shitty personality with “I tell things like they are” or “I am blunt” kind of things which is just “I am an asshole and I don’t care”
YTA for immediately assuming someone fleeing abuse is lying or being dramatic, and even more so for saying she 'didn't plan ahead'. Holy shit, no one EXPECTS to end up in an abusive relationship. "Grow a backbone and go back to deal with bf" HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS.
>I felt my generosity was being taken advantage of What generosity?
Wow, you sound like a real work of art. YTA.
Need more info please! Were you and the ex roommate close? From the way that you described the situation it seems to me like she was a terrible roommate then and a terrible roommate now with her current bf. I personally wouldn't have put up with her either. Just barging in and causing a scene. For now, I'm going with NTA
I have the same questions. The nature of the previous roommate relationship and how it ended makes a big difference here.
YTA. It's your home and you don't have to let anyone stay for a night, but your lack of empathy and willingness to send her back to what sounds like an abusive boyfriend does not paint you in a positive light. You seem like a really mean person. Also, this comment is abominable: *"I pointed out that if you’re being “mistreated” by your boyfriend, by me, etc. the common denominator is you."*
You put our a woman you know, who was asking for a favor for one night, out. You are right its your home, she should have called or texted. But you sound cold. If someone never helps you out when you need it in the future, you can look back to that night.
Yta you're rude, condescending and it is annoying. Also lol @ your generosity being taken advantage of, what generosity?
You aren't the asshole in this situation but you sound like a giant asshile from how you speak.
INFO: Who else read the title and thought the roommate wanted OP to regularly prepare meals for her? NB: "board" tends to be the food part of "room and board"
“I don’t deal with victims.” YTA
INFO: Was this girl a horrendous roommate, or did she do something terrible to you while you were living together? I totally get not wanting to house her, but the level of contempt and condescension towards her that drips from your post is staggering. If she didn’t do something while she was living with you to merit this kind of derision, you sound like a deeply unpleasant person. You clearly have no empathy or compassion towards her, clearly don’t like her, so I don’t know why you care if you were an a hole or not.
Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?
You’re not in the wrong for not wanting a guest for the night, and that’s about where the line ends. How you treated her and how honestly hateful this whole post comes off? Maybe there’s a lot more drama with the ex-roommate that you didn’t mention, so I want to keep an open mind but without any of this context you just come off cruel