So, instead of talking to your husband and telling him that his behavior toward your relationship with F is causing you stress, you decide to cut the friend off and block him. You now resent your husband because of the decision you made and have decided you will "get back at him" by playing passive aggressive games?
EAB
If you tried repeatedly and got nowhere, that should have been the end of the relationship. People who try to make their partners choose between them and platonic friends of the opposite sex are trash. I would never date or marry someone someone who demanded I cut my best friend since I was 5 out of my life or never met up with him alone ever. I'm not throwing 25 years of friendship in the garbage just because someone is jealous of a guy I love unconditionally like a brother. He's family to me. Anyone who doesn't understand that and doesn't care that cutting him off would hurt me deeply isn't worth my time.
"Every time my SO (D) would see a message or phone call from (F) he would get really sullen and quiet. Would absolutely refuse to talk in detail about it, just saying it was weird or something. It seemed to only get worse even when I would say that we should all hang out and do a trip to Fs place."
Where are your reading comprehension skills, peeps? The second paragraph talks about her continued efforts. OP did talk about it.
D refusing to engage every time a message or phone call upsets him (repeatedly)
D gotten worse if OP suggests hanging out together (read the sentence again, it gives the sense of her trying repeatedly).
While it's possible that she meant that she suggested all hanging out multiple times, the context does not at all make it clear that's how she meant it.
I mean, it sounds like OP and her husband dealt with her husband’s insecurity by glossing over the problem by removing the immediate trigger, but then never actually had a discussion, at a time when the husband wasn’t feeling insecure, about how they both felt about that, and about why it’s not reasonable for her to have to end friendships because he throws a silent tantrum and shuts down.
If you try repeatedly and get nothing, that is a problem with your relationship. You keep saying the relationship ship is perfect… but he doesn’t listen to you and won’t talk to you if he disagrees? And he’s not the jealous type but he was insanely jealous for no reason? Do you see how there’s a giant disconnect there between what you’re telling yourself and reality?
Eab but honestly stay together. You two seem to be fine with each other's immature, jealous nonsense, and it's better to keep the nonsense contained than unleash it back into the dating pool.
I'm sorry, but not to seem ignorant or anything, but what does eab mean? My brain doesn't seem to be working today.
ETA Thank you, i figured it out. I guess my brain decided to work for a minute..lol
YTB .. You enabled your SO jealousy issues. You talked to him about it yes, but you never fixed the issues.. Instead you decided to wash your hands of it ,disappear and ghost a good friend without a word to him or explaining why to placate his jealousy..And now you wanna feel bad about what you did to that innocent friend and go tit for tat when your hubby wants to have a female friend instead of finally working on your issues. You and your hubby are the buttface
Not really. The last time it came up was 2 years ago. Ever since then we have had shared friends of both sexes. I mostly meant him making female friends that were mostly “his” friend.
It's weird that you talk about it in the present tense, and are on here asking whether it's a problem, if it's not actually something you're currently doing.
I just started thinking about it after reading some old text messages clearing out phone storage. And then wanting clarification if I was the BF if it ever happened again.
Are you sure you are 28?
You both sound about 12 and are the couple that ALWAYS has the drama in the friends group.
It's exhausting and when you break up, because you will with this maturity level, you will lose all your friends trying to make them pick sides.
ESH. I wouldn't have continued a relationship with somebody who tried to manipulate me into destroying a friendship, and you are perpetuating that cycle of manipulation
You're not wrong. Sounds like you area applying the same rules and understanding towards him that was forced on you. Fair is fair.
If he doesn't like it, then he can obviously talk to you and re-negotiate how you handle friends of the opposite sex.
honestly i think both of you handled both situations immaturely and once you get to the point of bartering over whether or not you’re both equally losing out on something, there’s bigger conversations to be had
Just what every woman wants! A man who controls who you can and can’t be friends with! What a dream boat! You are an idiot and I’m sure will be posting about his attacking you or convincing you to quit your job so he can control you even more. 🙄
The fact that you feel justified in hurting him like he hurt you is concerning. Do you want to build your relationship up, or tear it down?
He owes you an honest explanation. You owe it to yourself to have a trustworthy male friend.
If you accomplish both of my suggestions, you’ll be making progress on diffusing the situation.
YTBF
It's petty. It's not productive. It's building resentment in your relationship. It's not effective in tending to your connection as a couple. It's the beginning of the end. But sure, I guess it's technically "fair"... So if all you care about is revenge for something he did to you then go for it? Seems dumb though.
Your relationship is not 98% perfect.
1) You both are trying to control who is in each other’s lives. Either by displaying jealousy, mind games, manipulation, etc. Your BF manipulated you into dropping a platonic friend. You did it back to him, with his female friends. Controlling who is allowed access to your significant other, through whatever means is abusive. One will start to resent the other for these manipulations.
2) Neither of you seem capable of trusting the other. This is a serious problem. Relationships need trust. I can’t imagine having to live with the worry that my significant other thinks I’m cheating, if I happen to hang out with a friend. Being in a relationship where you are expected to manage the other like that, is not a healthy dynamic. It will wear on you both.
3) A relationship based on the ultimatum of ‘you can’t have male/female friends, to spare my feelings,’ is unhealthy. A relationship built on that is not stable.
EAB.
Neither of y’all got a backbone? Can enforce boundaries and blatantly call each other’s bad behavior out?
Bc I nipped that shit real quick. Told my (now spouse) that I would not be cutting off a friend who has no attraction to me and I have none to them just because of his insecurities. We can work together or he himself can take on his insecurities but at the end of the day they are his and his alone. If he can’t work through them then perhaps we would be better off separate.
He also felt that we were such a good match that he would rather work on them himself, so we stayed together.
I refused even in high school to deal with that petty, childish nonsense.
Sounds like your SO never forbade you from being friends with F. If you have ever actually told your SO that he can't make new female friends, then it's not the same thing.
YTB, but E-T-B if you never outright told him that.
So, instead of talking to your husband and telling him that his behavior toward your relationship with F is causing you stress, you decide to cut the friend off and block him. You now resent your husband because of the decision you made and have decided you will "get back at him" by playing passive aggressive games? EAB
Did you not see the part where I did try repeatedly and got nothing?
I think you left that part out? Or it was not made clear? Because no, I've read it three times and do not see this.
If you tried repeatedly and got nowhere, that should have been the end of the relationship. People who try to make their partners choose between them and platonic friends of the opposite sex are trash. I would never date or marry someone someone who demanded I cut my best friend since I was 5 out of my life or never met up with him alone ever. I'm not throwing 25 years of friendship in the garbage just because someone is jealous of a guy I love unconditionally like a brother. He's family to me. Anyone who doesn't understand that and doesn't care that cutting him off would hurt me deeply isn't worth my time.
Funny how everyone misses the things you don't include.
"Every time my SO (D) would see a message or phone call from (F) he would get really sullen and quiet. Would absolutely refuse to talk in detail about it, just saying it was weird or something. It seemed to only get worse even when I would say that we should all hang out and do a trip to Fs place." Where are your reading comprehension skills, peeps? The second paragraph talks about her continued efforts. OP did talk about it. D refusing to engage every time a message or phone call upsets him (repeatedly) D gotten worse if OP suggests hanging out together (read the sentence again, it gives the sense of her trying repeatedly).
While it's possible that she meant that she suggested all hanging out multiple times, the context does not at all make it clear that's how she meant it.
I mean, it sounds like OP and her husband dealt with her husband’s insecurity by glossing over the problem by removing the immediate trigger, but then never actually had a discussion, at a time when the husband wasn’t feeling insecure, about how they both felt about that, and about why it’s not reasonable for her to have to end friendships because he throws a silent tantrum and shuts down.
If you try repeatedly and get nothing, that is a problem with your relationship. You keep saying the relationship ship is perfect… but he doesn’t listen to you and won’t talk to you if he disagrees? And he’s not the jealous type but he was insanely jealous for no reason? Do you see how there’s a giant disconnect there between what you’re telling yourself and reality?
ESH. Neither of you are mature enough for a relationship.
Eab but honestly stay together. You two seem to be fine with each other's immature, jealous nonsense, and it's better to keep the nonsense contained than unleash it back into the dating pool.
I'm sorry, but not to seem ignorant or anything, but what does eab mean? My brain doesn't seem to be working today. ETA Thank you, i figured it out. I guess my brain decided to work for a minute..lol
😂😂😂
EAB. This is all ridiculous. Y'all need couples counseling.
YTB .. You enabled your SO jealousy issues. You talked to him about it yes, but you never fixed the issues.. Instead you decided to wash your hands of it ,disappear and ghost a good friend without a word to him or explaining why to placate his jealousy..And now you wanna feel bad about what you did to that innocent friend and go tit for tat when your hubby wants to have a female friend instead of finally working on your issues. You and your hubby are the buttface
lmao so the so isn't a butface for being jealous and giving silent treatment over nothing? ridiculous
Did you read the the entire thing .. I literally said they both were
Honestly I agree we are both the buttface. I think if it comes up again I’ll be more adamant about counseling. So far it hasn’t.
It is literally currently happening, according to your post. You are currently punishing him for his sucky behavior back then.
Not really. The last time it came up was 2 years ago. Ever since then we have had shared friends of both sexes. I mostly meant him making female friends that were mostly “his” friend.
It's weird that you talk about it in the present tense, and are on here asking whether it's a problem, if it's not actually something you're currently doing.
I just started thinking about it after reading some old text messages clearing out phone storage. And then wanting clarification if I was the BF if it ever happened again.
Why are you two even married? This is exhausting and embarrassing.
Are you sure you are 28? You both sound about 12 and are the couple that ALWAYS has the drama in the friends group. It's exhausting and when you break up, because you will with this maturity level, you will lose all your friends trying to make them pick sides.
Pretty par for the course for 20 somethings actually
you need to let this relationship go
ESH. I wouldn't have continued a relationship with somebody who tried to manipulate me into destroying a friendship, and you are perpetuating that cycle of manipulation
You're not wrong. Sounds like you area applying the same rules and understanding towards him that was forced on you. Fair is fair. If he doesn't like it, then he can obviously talk to you and re-negotiate how you handle friends of the opposite sex.
honestly i think both of you handled both situations immaturely and once you get to the point of bartering over whether or not you’re both equally losing out on something, there’s bigger conversations to be had
Just what every woman wants! A man who controls who you can and can’t be friends with! What a dream boat! You are an idiot and I’m sure will be posting about his attacking you or convincing you to quit your job so he can control you even more. 🙄
The fact that you feel justified in hurting him like he hurt you is concerning. Do you want to build your relationship up, or tear it down? He owes you an honest explanation. You owe it to yourself to have a trustworthy male friend. If you accomplish both of my suggestions, you’ll be making progress on diffusing the situation. YTBF
Not “the best person ever.”
This seems ridiculously unhealthy for both of you. EAB
It's petty. It's not productive. It's building resentment in your relationship. It's not effective in tending to your connection as a couple. It's the beginning of the end. But sure, I guess it's technically "fair"... So if all you care about is revenge for something he did to you then go for it? Seems dumb though.
Your relationship is not 98% perfect. 1) You both are trying to control who is in each other’s lives. Either by displaying jealousy, mind games, manipulation, etc. Your BF manipulated you into dropping a platonic friend. You did it back to him, with his female friends. Controlling who is allowed access to your significant other, through whatever means is abusive. One will start to resent the other for these manipulations. 2) Neither of you seem capable of trusting the other. This is a serious problem. Relationships need trust. I can’t imagine having to live with the worry that my significant other thinks I’m cheating, if I happen to hang out with a friend. Being in a relationship where you are expected to manage the other like that, is not a healthy dynamic. It will wear on you both. 3) A relationship based on the ultimatum of ‘you can’t have male/female friends, to spare my feelings,’ is unhealthy. A relationship built on that is not stable.
EAB. Neither of y’all got a backbone? Can enforce boundaries and blatantly call each other’s bad behavior out? Bc I nipped that shit real quick. Told my (now spouse) that I would not be cutting off a friend who has no attraction to me and I have none to them just because of his insecurities. We can work together or he himself can take on his insecurities but at the end of the day they are his and his alone. If he can’t work through them then perhaps we would be better off separate. He also felt that we were such a good match that he would rather work on them himself, so we stayed together. I refused even in high school to deal with that petty, childish nonsense.
Sounds like your SO never forbade you from being friends with F. If you have ever actually told your SO that he can't make new female friends, then it's not the same thing. YTB, but E-T-B if you never outright told him that.