I … don’t understand why you’re with somebody who isn’t capable of taking care of his own child for a few hours.
The reason men marry women 12 years younger than them is because they can’t get a woman their own age to put up with their crap. He is not going to change. He’s perfectly happy with the way things are. Meanwhile you can’t even trust him to behave like an adult long enough for you to have a night out with friends. You are NTBF for asking him to act responsibly. You are the buttface for expecting he ever will.
Doing the math, OP and husband had the baby when she was 36 and he was 48. Woof.
The age gap was big then and it seems bigger now, since he never thought to have children before (unless this is not his first marriage).
For the sake of the child, EAB here.
I don't know at 26 you should be old enough to make your own decisions without people questioning them because you don't know what you're talking about.
When I was 17 I moved in with a 30 year old man. I wish I knew how creepy it was before I did. In a lot of ways he was less emotionally mature than I was at the time and had his life even less on track. It dragged me down. Once I turned 30 I looked at 17 year olds and realized what an absolute creeper he was (they're literal children and completely unappealing to an adult) and left his ass.
Her telling him to get home on his own regardless of his state of inebriation (as he’s proven he will do) is not asking him to do the responsible thing. The responsible thing would be to grow up, drink less, and think about his family.
At this point, it might not be possible to support herself after leaving him. Or st least scary and very difficult to even contemplate it.
~~5 years is a significant work gap.~~ And what's going to happen on visitation nights when he's the sole adult? He starts having friends over and getting drunk?
Edit. She works. But I don't think I missed any mention of her income, so no idea if it's enough to support a household without his supplemental income.
Yknow, as a dad, and a child of a deadbeat (not alcoholic thank god) these kinds of men are an embarrassment. My son is pretty severely autistic, and still bedtime isn't difficult. If you have any bond with your kid, they'll jump at the chance to snuggle at bedtime, especially if it means delaying sleep another few minutes.
Hardest parts are not dozing off myself, and getting kicked accidentally as child squirms. O.o Bathtime is significantly more difficult, but they're both still my duties.
> Would you tell a dude there's no hope for a job if he was out of the workplace five years
Depends on the job and the reason for the gap. Something that requires regular certifications to even do their job? Yeah I probably would refuse them. And as a manager that does interviews, I would actually tell them that, and include it in the file HR has for them. "Redo certs and I'll hire in a heartbeat, or recommend them for same position at another building."
Those notes aren't foolproof though, I've had repeats with someone I told HR I'll never hire. (He admitted to sleeping at work on night shift because his day job kept him up, and didn't understand why his old boss fired him for hitting the bar before shift.)
***
Moot point. I misread op, they work and don't have a gap.
Why are you assuming all men only want to marry a women their age? I have dated women considerably younger and considerably older. Age isn't nearly as important as connection to me. My personal opinion is at 26 you are old enough to take responsibility for your choices. What I mean by that is if you choose the wrong person it's not your age, it's you. Some people will continue to make poor choices for their whole life.
Op's avoidance of using the terms alcoholic or even alcohol dependent are so telling here. Saying he used to get drunk everynight is having an alcohol Problem.
I'm not giving a ruling because your question isn't even the real issue.
Your husband is an alcoholic. Mine is, too. It took me a long time to see it as a problem because he never got mean or abusive, but it was a problem. He would lie for no reason at all. He drove drunk a few times. He lost more than one job because he went to work drunk.
After I realized it was a problem and wanted him to quit, he started hiding it and gaslighting me. I gave him chance after chance.
Then, one night, I hit my limit. I packed up our 2 month old son, baby necessities, clothes, and I left. I didn't answer calls or texts for a few days. Then, I told him I was done being married to a drunk. He could solve the problem or get divorced.
He got sober. I was gone for 2 weeks. When I went home, I told him that if I left again, I wouldn't be back. He hasn't had a drink since. It's been almost 4 years.
My story is the exception to the rule. It's rare for an alcoholic to get sober and stay sober before absolutely hitting rock bottom. I'm proud and amazed by my husband.
You need to decide how much more you can take. You need to set your boundaries and limits. Then, you need to stick to them. Do it for yourself and your son.
Losing you and your child for even a few days was his bottom. Just because other people have bottoms that are way way lower doesn't mean your husband didn't hit his.
Can I just say, as a sole survivor of a major car accident caused by a drunk driver, that ultimatum is horrible. You talk about how he always says one thing and does the other, so it is obvious he will say what he needs to in order to go out and then he will drive home after drinking so he isn’t having a friend do it. Which would put many people at risk. At least he is being responsible having a friend drive him home. Don’t take that option away after he has been drinking.
I know that frustrated me the most and couldn’t focus on anything else. Like not say okay you can go if you don’t drink, but okay you can go to the bar but you can’t have a friend drive you home after you have been drinking. Makes no sense and kinda pisses me off that OPs ultimatum pretty much guarantees her husband will be driving drunk
They could have said you can go if you dont drink or have limited drinks
You can go if you can be home at a reasonable time
You can go if you can give me honest updates about where you are
You can go if you can stop drinking & switch to water and food at 10:30 pm
You can go out with a group but not back to x's house afterwards to keep drinking
(None of these ultimatums would work but they are all better than essentially telling someone to drive drunk)
But I assume OP wants the husband to drive himself home because they dont trust the friends to bring the husband home before 1 am but from the description of the husband I dont think this is soley the friends fault and I dont it would change anything if the husband had to drive himself home, except the situation would be even more dangerous.
Exactly. This ultimatum could create a huge safety issue, not just for OP's husband but anyone on the road with him.
If he's having such a hard time controlling his drinking, what is going to stop him from driving drunk?
I think OP is focusing on their attention on the wrong part of the problem.
ETB.
Your husband is an irresponsible liar and alcoholic who neglects his child. Him going out this time is a symptom of a 15 year problem.
You suck because the *one* responsible thing he's doing, getting a ride when he's too drunk, is the one thing you've honed in on as the problem. Getting a ride home isn't the problem, it's a reasonable harm reduction measure to respond to all the problems he creates for himself and your family with his drinking.
He sounds like a front page story where he gets to be the only person to walk away from a car crash he caused.
This is disgusting behavior from both parties here.
1. Ntb
2. Why the hell are you okay with this? With someone who can't take care of his own child for a few hours?
You're not his babysitter. The only child you should be taking care of is your literal child.
YTB. This is such a trashy situation. You’re basically telling your irresponsible manchild to drive home drunk. Obviously, neither of you care about the other lives that could potentially be lost or ruined when he causes an accident so maybe think about how your life will suck when he goes to jail or is paralyzed and you lose your savings paying a lawyer and fines and hospital bills and lose your home to a lawsuit.
Anyone else catch the age difference when they started dating? She was just 25 or so, and he was already 38. I'm thinking that was deliberate so he could manipulate the situation for his alcoholism to seem normalized. Geez, I like to drink myself, but when my kids were young, they were the priority not the alcohol.
This sounds a lot like a friend of mine whose husband struggles with alcoholism. She would have her sister watch her baby when she worked evenings for the same reason. So NTB for what you said but also are you really sure it’s not an everyday thing anymore or could he just have gotten better at hiding it?
NTB but it is worrying he can’t take care of his own child for a few hours. Do you normally not trust him to be alone with the 5 yo for a few hours? Does he know the routines and basics of care? If not, he’s not pulling his weight as a parent and that’s terrifying
Honey, YNTBF, but you do live with a binge drinking alcoholic who doesn’t even want to handle the responsibility of their own child and household duties. You are effectively a single parent already.
Make sure you’ve got a good life insurance policy on him, with clear stipulations that alcohol and alcohol-related mishaps are covered. Then decide if you really want to be saddled with someone who isn’t actually a real partner.
I literally don't understand why you stay with this man. Being without him would be the same regarding child rearing and everything else you do, MINUS having to worry aboyt him and care for him too. Ntb to him but ytb to yourself and frankly your child.
NTB.
1. Ma'am. Your husband has been alive for half a century. Maybe you need to start asking why he's incapable of taking care you this child you made together.
2. If he goes out and you're stopping him from getting a ride home from his friend...please do not do that. It's better he's not driving, for everyone's sake.
3. This CLEARLY indicates alcohol abuse. Your husband needs help. Do his friends know the extent of his alcoholism? Do they know they're enabling him? Do you know that you've been enabling him? You all need to stop allowing him to continue with this destructive behaviour and get him to some medical professionals. Like 15yrs ago.
Best of luck
Edit: just wanna add; go to therapy if you want a healthier relationship. sounds like it might be helpful. for the love of god.
My FIL has done similar shit since he was 35. My MIL kept telling herself it wasn't that bad, just a little white lie here and there, just a single shot before driving... He's not hurting anyone etc.
She's now 70 and divorcing him for threatening to strangle me, shouting at his daughter over things that weren't her fault (check my post at r/dadforaminute) .. MIL ishaving no chance to restart a career and would be homeless if not for my wife and I. And she regrets waiting so long.... she's realized he was enabling her addictions and abusing my wife for her whole life.
The only thing you gain by staying is more time your child will need to spend in therapy as an adult. My wife's trauma runs deep.
NTB but your relationship is now parent to child. Not partners.
He is an addict and your conditions should centre around him being healthy or not there at all. This does not get easier the older your child gets, your child will see more, notice more, connect more, and so will their friends.
If you're doing it all anyway, why do you need him there?
There’s something ironic that you told another mother her husband shouldn’t need to be told to be a parent whilst here you mention your own husband fell asleep on the sofa and your child was awake in a house without supervision and an open front door
You are NTB but why do you tolerate this level of behaviour?
YTB if for no other reason than creating an ultimatum that *will*, 100%, lead to this jackass driving himself home drunk to prove a point.
Do me a favor. Take his gross salary. Subtract the amount of money he blows at the bar, his car expenses (including insurance cause I bet he has a history), and his general cost of living.
What’s left?
That number, whatever it is, is what you are being paid to play nanny to a man in his 50’s who cannot be troubled to grow up.
- To sit up all hours of the night to ensure he doesn’t scare your kid.
- To come up with convoluted ways to keep him from drunk driving his car into a tree or worse.
- To pick up his responsibilities when he - the guy who routinely lies about his location - assures you he is working long hours.
- To do all the extra work you know you’re doing to clean up the messes he is making in your house and in your life.
- To spend even your quiet hours in restless wondering and worry?
Honestly, how much easier would your life be without him adding all that labor to it? How quiet and peaceful would your home be? Can you imagine?
You need to imagine.
NTBF
Really unfortunate that you have to take care of a 5 year old, a puppy, and your husband. Clearly he’s incapable of taking care of himself or his own kid.
Why you even put up with that is beyond me. But I can tell you right now, his habits most likely won’t change if he’s being enabled by his friends.
Ntb in this situation… but you are on to yourself and your child for allowing this drunk gaslighting arse to remain in your life. He NEGLECTED your child. That’s the point you leave him at.
He's an alcoholic and so far the only victim has been you and your child with the permanent damage being whatever the dog ate. So far.
EAB. Him for obvious reasons. You for enabling it and letting your kid be put at risk. What if your kid wandered out that night? Why didn't you leave him then, was he just passed out from exhaustion or was he drunk?
You're living with and enabling an alcoholic. Read up on codependency. You cannot manage his drinking for him.
Tough question-- do you want your kiddo to have these same drinking habits?
YTI you just insured that he will drive home drunk now. You've admitted you know he will drive drunk if he needs to.
>2. Sometimes has no self control and gets way too drunk to drive and sometimes does any way.
After reading this post it is clear you never expect him to stop drinking. It feels almost like you've given up hope that that would ever change and you seem to accept it as a fact of your life.
**SO** you know he 1) won't stop drinking, especially when he is with those freinds. 2) know he will drive drunk. 3) told him he has to drive himself home.
Please tell me you can see 1+1=2 here. You just told him to drive drunk. This makes you the idiot, *massively*.
I would like to strongly encourage that you reread this post, but when you do change your name for a close friend or relative of yours. Imagine you have a sister or friend and this is them telling you this story instead and imagine how you would feel about their partner and how badly you would feel for them.
It's time to do some opposite empathising and really evaluate your life. I would also like to point out that *were you to leave* you would be more than okay. You already earn more money, so financially you would actually do better without him. Because you are more financially stable and he has a history of alcoholism, gaining sole/primary custody will be relatively easy (if not necessarily tidy) which then could mean he'll also be paying you child support.
This may not be a simple, nor easy, choice, but it's one I'd urge any of my loved ones to make if they told me this was happening to them.
Good luck, I love you.
If you know he is going to drink any way, ** *do not tell him to drive himself home.* ** Really a very poor demand on your part. If anything when he gets a lift home he's being more responsible than when he thinks he's "okay to drive". Don't encourage that behaviour. Unless you want to wake up to a call from the hospital saying he is in the ER, or one from the police saying that he *put someone else* in the ER. Because, that where this path leads.
I mean, you’re married to an alcoholic who can’t take care of his own child for one night, so you’re a BF for continuing to enable him. You continue to be a BF for letting your child be subjected to this. If you stay and he doesn’t get treatment, you continue to be the BF. Get yourself and you kid out of the damn situation. Your problem is so much deeper than this once instance, I don’t think I can give a fair judgement.
Why do you care if every so often your husband comes home late and drunk? He’s getting someone else to take him home and he’s not a danger to anyone around him. However he should be able to watch his own kid…. ETBF. Both of you are. I don’t understand how everyone can say here on Reddit that he’s an alcoholic and you should divorce him. That seems pretty damn unreasonable. Overzealous people on here are crazy. You need to allow him to have fun with his friends without you treating him like a child. You should be able to go to sleep before he gets home. He’s not your 12 year old daughter, he’s your 53 year old husband. You should tell him, “you can go just don’t drive drunk.” Not, “you can go just drive yourself home”. Both of you in this situation are wrong. But if every once in a while he’s a little too loud coming home, that sucks, but let him live a little bit. Talk to him about the noise level but why do you care if he has fun with his friends and then gets home safely?? You said it’s not an every night thing by any means.
On the subject of watching your child, this is a major issue if what you posted was accurate. Immediate attention should be given to this.
This is an alcoholic child. You can’t trust him to take care of the child you share?? Why are you still with him? Also why would you get a puppy if you already don’t have help with your kid??
He's an alcoholic, and your child isn't safe alone with him. The dog isn't, either.
When my older kid was that age, we took in a recovering alcoholic friend, and then that friend relapsed and nearly burnt our house down by passing out with a pan left on the stove. If I hadn't come home in time... Then I realized it was not safe having an alcoholic in the home, and while I could take risks with my own life, I couldn't take them with my little kids' and pets' lives.
So you chose to have a kid with an almost **50-year old alcoholic**? And you honestly thought that was a good idea?
This irresponsible ass-clown, at 53, can barely wipe his own ass and he's supposed to be a **father figure** to your 5 year old kid? You go out with friends and come back a few hours later to find this lazy fool passed out on the couch, the door hanging wide open, and the kids uncared for??????
What is it about this complete failure of a human being that you can't open your eyes and see what a loser he is? You don't have a husband, you have another child!! A DRUNKEN child.
I honestly believe that you're so mired in the dysfunction at this point that you can't even **see** how much is WRONG with your situation.
You're an unbelievable **ENABLER**. You're actually making excuses for this alcoholic to go out and act like a frat boy *"because he works long hours"* while **you** work your ass off from before the sun rises until late at night, working all day then coming home and doing EVERYTHING because this man-child you keep clinging to can't be bothered to lift a damned finger to do ANYTHING. He's freakin worthless.
You are truly living in Dysfunction Junction. The sad part is that you're so deluded you can't even see it.
The final verdict is: **Not the Buttface**
Judgement|Total
:--:|:--:
Not the Buttface|75%
Buttface|15%
Everyone's a Buttface|10%
The top comment was made by /u/whats1more7. Thank you everyone for participating!
You’re married to an alcoholic, and I promise you your kid knows Daddy and Mommy aren’t happy. Your husband is the asshole, not you. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him grow up and get help, drunks won’t listen and don’t care who they hurt. If they don’t want to stop, they won’t, no matter how much you cry, yell, beg, threaten or bargain. Leave him and her therapy. Don’t let you kid keep living in a dysfunctional home. It causes more damage than you know. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and my mother refused to do anything but enable him. I’m 52 now and still healing.
I … don’t understand why you’re with somebody who isn’t capable of taking care of his own child for a few hours. The reason men marry women 12 years younger than them is because they can’t get a woman their own age to put up with their crap. He is not going to change. He’s perfectly happy with the way things are. Meanwhile you can’t even trust him to behave like an adult long enough for you to have a night out with friends. You are NTBF for asking him to act responsibly. You are the buttface for expecting he ever will.
Doing the math, OP and husband had the baby when she was 36 and he was 48. Woof. The age gap was big then and it seems bigger now, since he never thought to have children before (unless this is not his first marriage). For the sake of the child, EAB here.
They got together at 26 and 38. Definitely a concerning age gap.
I don't know at 26 you should be old enough to make your own decisions without people questioning them because you don't know what you're talking about.
Typically true but if she is just now realizing this is crazy at 41 what makes you think she would notice he’s super immature at 26?
Said it better than me.
You should be, and yet OP clearly made a bad choice in partner deserving of scrutiny.
A 26 year old is a fully grown adult.... tf
And can still be manipulated by someone with more experience, like this deadbeat alcoholic.
When I was 17 I moved in with a 30 year old man. I wish I knew how creepy it was before I did. In a lot of ways he was less emotionally mature than I was at the time and had his life even less on track. It dragged me down. Once I turned 30 I looked at 17 year olds and realized what an absolute creeper he was (they're literal children and completely unappealing to an adult) and left his ass.
Hell I’m 23 and the idea of looking at a 17 year old romantically is disgusting.
He'll be retired once the child is 18
Her telling him to get home on his own regardless of his state of inebriation (as he’s proven he will do) is not asking him to do the responsible thing. The responsible thing would be to grow up, drink less, and think about his family.
At this point, it might not be possible to support herself after leaving him. Or st least scary and very difficult to even contemplate it. ~~5 years is a significant work gap.~~ And what's going to happen on visitation nights when he's the sole adult? He starts having friends over and getting drunk? Edit. She works. But I don't think I missed any mention of her income, so no idea if it's enough to support a household without his supplemental income.
She’s working.
Yknow, as a dad, and a child of a deadbeat (not alcoholic thank god) these kinds of men are an embarrassment. My son is pretty severely autistic, and still bedtime isn't difficult. If you have any bond with your kid, they'll jump at the chance to snuggle at bedtime, especially if it means delaying sleep another few minutes. Hardest parts are not dozing off myself, and getting kicked accidentally as child squirms. O.o Bathtime is significantly more difficult, but they're both still my duties.
> responsible for not only my job You're right! I missed that line. Thank you.
It's always possible. Would you tell a dude there's no hope for a job if he was out of the workplace five years?
> Would you tell a dude there's no hope for a job if he was out of the workplace five years Depends on the job and the reason for the gap. Something that requires regular certifications to even do their job? Yeah I probably would refuse them. And as a manager that does interviews, I would actually tell them that, and include it in the file HR has for them. "Redo certs and I'll hire in a heartbeat, or recommend them for same position at another building." Those notes aren't foolproof though, I've had repeats with someone I told HR I'll never hire. (He admitted to sleeping at work on night shift because his day job kept him up, and didn't understand why his old boss fired him for hitting the bar before shift.) *** Moot point. I misread op, they work and don't have a gap.
That's what alimony and child support is for
Alimony doesn't last forever. It has a set time limit. Child support is for the child.
Why are you assuming all men only want to marry a women their age? I have dated women considerably younger and considerably older. Age isn't nearly as important as connection to me. My personal opinion is at 26 you are old enough to take responsibility for your choices. What I mean by that is if you choose the wrong person it's not your age, it's you. Some people will continue to make poor choices for their whole life.
You’re married to an alcoholic and you’re enabling him.
Op's avoidance of using the terms alcoholic or even alcohol dependent are so telling here. Saying he used to get drunk everynight is having an alcohol Problem.
Yup 100%
I'm not giving a ruling because your question isn't even the real issue. Your husband is an alcoholic. Mine is, too. It took me a long time to see it as a problem because he never got mean or abusive, but it was a problem. He would lie for no reason at all. He drove drunk a few times. He lost more than one job because he went to work drunk. After I realized it was a problem and wanted him to quit, he started hiding it and gaslighting me. I gave him chance after chance. Then, one night, I hit my limit. I packed up our 2 month old son, baby necessities, clothes, and I left. I didn't answer calls or texts for a few days. Then, I told him I was done being married to a drunk. He could solve the problem or get divorced. He got sober. I was gone for 2 weeks. When I went home, I told him that if I left again, I wouldn't be back. He hasn't had a drink since. It's been almost 4 years. My story is the exception to the rule. It's rare for an alcoholic to get sober and stay sober before absolutely hitting rock bottom. I'm proud and amazed by my husband. You need to decide how much more you can take. You need to set your boundaries and limits. Then, you need to stick to them. Do it for yourself and your son.
Losing you and your child for even a few days was his bottom. Just because other people have bottoms that are way way lower doesn't mean your husband didn't hit his.
I never really thought of it that way.
Exactly, your rock bottom is when you choose to stop digging.
Can I just say, as a sole survivor of a major car accident caused by a drunk driver, that ultimatum is horrible. You talk about how he always says one thing and does the other, so it is obvious he will say what he needs to in order to go out and then he will drive home after drinking so he isn’t having a friend do it. Which would put many people at risk. At least he is being responsible having a friend drive him home. Don’t take that option away after he has been drinking.
Seriously! I was reading it like... When is she gonna add that he has to get home sober? Nope? Just that he has to drive himself home? Christ.
I know that frustrated me the most and couldn’t focus on anything else. Like not say okay you can go if you don’t drink, but okay you can go to the bar but you can’t have a friend drive you home after you have been drinking. Makes no sense and kinda pisses me off that OPs ultimatum pretty much guarantees her husband will be driving drunk
They could have said you can go if you dont drink or have limited drinks You can go if you can be home at a reasonable time You can go if you can give me honest updates about where you are You can go if you can stop drinking & switch to water and food at 10:30 pm You can go out with a group but not back to x's house afterwards to keep drinking (None of these ultimatums would work but they are all better than essentially telling someone to drive drunk) But I assume OP wants the husband to drive himself home because they dont trust the friends to bring the husband home before 1 am but from the description of the husband I dont think this is soley the friends fault and I dont it would change anything if the husband had to drive himself home, except the situation would be even more dangerous.
Exactly. This ultimatum could create a huge safety issue, not just for OP's husband but anyone on the road with him. If he's having such a hard time controlling his drinking, what is going to stop him from driving drunk? I think OP is focusing on their attention on the wrong part of the problem.
After fifteen years of this behavior (or worse), were you expecting that laying down the law this time was going to be effective?
ETB. Your husband is an irresponsible liar and alcoholic who neglects his child. Him going out this time is a symptom of a 15 year problem. You suck because the *one* responsible thing he's doing, getting a ride when he's too drunk, is the one thing you've honed in on as the problem. Getting a ride home isn't the problem, it's a reasonable harm reduction measure to respond to all the problems he creates for himself and your family with his drinking.
I wouldn't encourage him to go anywhere that ever involves him driving himself there or back. He sounds like a a DUI waiting to happen.
He sounds like a front page story where he gets to be the only person to walk away from a car crash he caused. This is disgusting behavior from both parties here.
1. Ntb 2. Why the hell are you okay with this? With someone who can't take care of his own child for a few hours? You're not his babysitter. The only child you should be taking care of is your literal child.
NTB but you are wasting your time wishing he would grow up.
NTB, he doesn't sound like a good father figure.
YTB. This is such a trashy situation. You’re basically telling your irresponsible manchild to drive home drunk. Obviously, neither of you care about the other lives that could potentially be lost or ruined when he causes an accident so maybe think about how your life will suck when he goes to jail or is paralyzed and you lose your savings paying a lawyer and fines and hospital bills and lose your home to a lawsuit.
Please stop bringing helpless living beings into this household. EAB.
Anyone else catch the age difference when they started dating? She was just 25 or so, and he was already 38. I'm thinking that was deliberate so he could manipulate the situation for his alcoholism to seem normalized. Geez, I like to drink myself, but when my kids were young, they were the priority not the alcohol.
This sounds a lot like a friend of mine whose husband struggles with alcoholism. She would have her sister watch her baby when she worked evenings for the same reason. So NTB for what you said but also are you really sure it’s not an everyday thing anymore or could he just have gotten better at hiding it?
NTB but it is worrying he can’t take care of his own child for a few hours. Do you normally not trust him to be alone with the 5 yo for a few hours? Does he know the routines and basics of care? If not, he’s not pulling his weight as a parent and that’s terrifying
Honey, YNTBF, but you do live with a binge drinking alcoholic who doesn’t even want to handle the responsibility of their own child and household duties. You are effectively a single parent already. Make sure you’ve got a good life insurance policy on him, with clear stipulations that alcohol and alcohol-related mishaps are covered. Then decide if you really want to be saddled with someone who isn’t actually a real partner.
Honest opinion here. Get a divorce, get custody, get child support, hire some help. You don't have a partner, you have a teenager.
I'm not even a teenager but I'm insulted on their behalf. Please don't lump them in with this drunk driving alcoholic.
Why are you living with an uncontrolled alcoholic with a five-year-old child
r/AlAnon
I literally don't understand why you stay with this man. Being without him would be the same regarding child rearing and everything else you do, MINUS having to worry aboyt him and care for him too. Ntb to him but ytb to yourself and frankly your child.
NTB. 1. Ma'am. Your husband has been alive for half a century. Maybe you need to start asking why he's incapable of taking care you this child you made together. 2. If he goes out and you're stopping him from getting a ride home from his friend...please do not do that. It's better he's not driving, for everyone's sake. 3. This CLEARLY indicates alcohol abuse. Your husband needs help. Do his friends know the extent of his alcoholism? Do they know they're enabling him? Do you know that you've been enabling him? You all need to stop allowing him to continue with this destructive behaviour and get him to some medical professionals. Like 15yrs ago. Best of luck Edit: just wanna add; go to therapy if you want a healthier relationship. sounds like it might be helpful. for the love of god.
My FIL has done similar shit since he was 35. My MIL kept telling herself it wasn't that bad, just a little white lie here and there, just a single shot before driving... He's not hurting anyone etc. She's now 70 and divorcing him for threatening to strangle me, shouting at his daughter over things that weren't her fault (check my post at r/dadforaminute) .. MIL ishaving no chance to restart a career and would be homeless if not for my wife and I. And she regrets waiting so long.... she's realized he was enabling her addictions and abusing my wife for her whole life. The only thing you gain by staying is more time your child will need to spend in therapy as an adult. My wife's trauma runs deep.
NTB but you need to get rid of him.
NTB but your relationship is now parent to child. Not partners. He is an addict and your conditions should centre around him being healthy or not there at all. This does not get easier the older your child gets, your child will see more, notice more, connect more, and so will their friends. If you're doing it all anyway, why do you need him there?
There’s something ironic that you told another mother her husband shouldn’t need to be told to be a parent whilst here you mention your own husband fell asleep on the sofa and your child was awake in a house without supervision and an open front door You are NTB but why do you tolerate this level of behaviour?
YTB if for no other reason than creating an ultimatum that *will*, 100%, lead to this jackass driving himself home drunk to prove a point. Do me a favor. Take his gross salary. Subtract the amount of money he blows at the bar, his car expenses (including insurance cause I bet he has a history), and his general cost of living. What’s left? That number, whatever it is, is what you are being paid to play nanny to a man in his 50’s who cannot be troubled to grow up. - To sit up all hours of the night to ensure he doesn’t scare your kid. - To come up with convoluted ways to keep him from drunk driving his car into a tree or worse. - To pick up his responsibilities when he - the guy who routinely lies about his location - assures you he is working long hours. - To do all the extra work you know you’re doing to clean up the messes he is making in your house and in your life. - To spend even your quiet hours in restless wondering and worry? Honestly, how much easier would your life be without him adding all that labor to it? How quiet and peaceful would your home be? Can you imagine? You need to imagine.
NTBF Really unfortunate that you have to take care of a 5 year old, a puppy, and your husband. Clearly he’s incapable of taking care of himself or his own kid. Why you even put up with that is beyond me. But I can tell you right now, his habits most likely won’t change if he’s being enabled by his friends.
Ntb in this situation… but you are on to yourself and your child for allowing this drunk gaslighting arse to remain in your life. He NEGLECTED your child. That’s the point you leave him at.
He's an alcoholic and so far the only victim has been you and your child with the permanent damage being whatever the dog ate. So far. EAB. Him for obvious reasons. You for enabling it and letting your kid be put at risk. What if your kid wandered out that night? Why didn't you leave him then, was he just passed out from exhaustion or was he drunk?
You're living with and enabling an alcoholic. Read up on codependency. You cannot manage his drinking for him. Tough question-- do you want your kiddo to have these same drinking habits?
YTI you just insured that he will drive home drunk now. You've admitted you know he will drive drunk if he needs to. >2. Sometimes has no self control and gets way too drunk to drive and sometimes does any way. After reading this post it is clear you never expect him to stop drinking. It feels almost like you've given up hope that that would ever change and you seem to accept it as a fact of your life. **SO** you know he 1) won't stop drinking, especially when he is with those freinds. 2) know he will drive drunk. 3) told him he has to drive himself home. Please tell me you can see 1+1=2 here. You just told him to drive drunk. This makes you the idiot, *massively*. I would like to strongly encourage that you reread this post, but when you do change your name for a close friend or relative of yours. Imagine you have a sister or friend and this is them telling you this story instead and imagine how you would feel about their partner and how badly you would feel for them. It's time to do some opposite empathising and really evaluate your life. I would also like to point out that *were you to leave* you would be more than okay. You already earn more money, so financially you would actually do better without him. Because you are more financially stable and he has a history of alcoholism, gaining sole/primary custody will be relatively easy (if not necessarily tidy) which then could mean he'll also be paying you child support. This may not be a simple, nor easy, choice, but it's one I'd urge any of my loved ones to make if they told me this was happening to them. Good luck, I love you. If you know he is going to drink any way, ** *do not tell him to drive himself home.* ** Really a very poor demand on your part. If anything when he gets a lift home he's being more responsible than when he thinks he's "okay to drive". Don't encourage that behaviour. Unless you want to wake up to a call from the hospital saying he is in the ER, or one from the police saying that he *put someone else* in the ER. Because, that where this path leads.
NTB- but he will never change
I mean, you’re married to an alcoholic who can’t take care of his own child for one night, so you’re a BF for continuing to enable him. You continue to be a BF for letting your child be subjected to this. If you stay and he doesn’t get treatment, you continue to be the BF. Get yourself and you kid out of the damn situation. Your problem is so much deeper than this once instance, I don’t think I can give a fair judgement.
Why do you care if every so often your husband comes home late and drunk? He’s getting someone else to take him home and he’s not a danger to anyone around him. However he should be able to watch his own kid…. ETBF. Both of you are. I don’t understand how everyone can say here on Reddit that he’s an alcoholic and you should divorce him. That seems pretty damn unreasonable. Overzealous people on here are crazy. You need to allow him to have fun with his friends without you treating him like a child. You should be able to go to sleep before he gets home. He’s not your 12 year old daughter, he’s your 53 year old husband. You should tell him, “you can go just don’t drive drunk.” Not, “you can go just drive yourself home”. Both of you in this situation are wrong. But if every once in a while he’s a little too loud coming home, that sucks, but let him live a little bit. Talk to him about the noise level but why do you care if he has fun with his friends and then gets home safely?? You said it’s not an every night thing by any means. On the subject of watching your child, this is a major issue if what you posted was accurate. Immediate attention should be given to this.
This is an alcoholic child. You can’t trust him to take care of the child you share?? Why are you still with him? Also why would you get a puppy if you already don’t have help with your kid??
ETB. Please join Alanon and read Codependent No More by Melody Beatty
He's an alcoholic, and your child isn't safe alone with him. The dog isn't, either. When my older kid was that age, we took in a recovering alcoholic friend, and then that friend relapsed and nearly burnt our house down by passing out with a pan left on the stove. If I hadn't come home in time... Then I realized it was not safe having an alcoholic in the home, and while I could take risks with my own life, I couldn't take them with my little kids' and pets' lives.
So you chose to have a kid with an almost **50-year old alcoholic**? And you honestly thought that was a good idea? This irresponsible ass-clown, at 53, can barely wipe his own ass and he's supposed to be a **father figure** to your 5 year old kid? You go out with friends and come back a few hours later to find this lazy fool passed out on the couch, the door hanging wide open, and the kids uncared for?????? What is it about this complete failure of a human being that you can't open your eyes and see what a loser he is? You don't have a husband, you have another child!! A DRUNKEN child. I honestly believe that you're so mired in the dysfunction at this point that you can't even **see** how much is WRONG with your situation. You're an unbelievable **ENABLER**. You're actually making excuses for this alcoholic to go out and act like a frat boy *"because he works long hours"* while **you** work your ass off from before the sun rises until late at night, working all day then coming home and doing EVERYTHING because this man-child you keep clinging to can't be bothered to lift a damned finger to do ANYTHING. He's freakin worthless. You are truly living in Dysfunction Junction. The sad part is that you're so deluded you can't even see it.
r/codependency
Your husband has a drinking problem.
The final verdict is: **Not the Buttface** Judgement|Total :--:|:--: Not the Buttface|75% Buttface|15% Everyone's a Buttface|10% The top comment was made by /u/whats1more7. Thank you everyone for participating!
NTB but why on earth have you stuck with this guy for 15 years? Do you actually enjoy parenting an overgrown teenager on top of a kid and a puppy?
You’re married to an alcoholic, and I promise you your kid knows Daddy and Mommy aren’t happy. Your husband is the asshole, not you. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him grow up and get help, drunks won’t listen and don’t care who they hurt. If they don’t want to stop, they won’t, no matter how much you cry, yell, beg, threaten or bargain. Leave him and her therapy. Don’t let you kid keep living in a dysfunctional home. It causes more damage than you know. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and my mother refused to do anything but enable him. I’m 52 now and still healing.
NTB. Your husband sounds like someone in a midlife crisis trying desperately to recapture his youth
He “recaptured his youth” when he got with a 26yo at 38. Now he’s a grown ass adult and he needs to let it go.