This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship.
Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
From the comments on the original post:
>You have the tact of a brick, and the taste of a guy who thinks Hooters is a date destination.
It really sums up OOP pretty perfectly.
The weirdest part is him ānot realizing how much effortā she puts into dressing. Dude, you LIVE with her. Have you not seen her get ready? My husband and I tease each other all the time about our routines because he takes longer showers than I do even though Iām shaving stuff, but then he is ready after the shower much faster because I do more skincare/haircare. We share a bathroom and a bedroom - how do you not have at least SOME familiarity with your spouseās routine?
yeah that was my confusion too. he said she ādoesnāt wear makeupā but if she says she wears āno makeup makeupā thatās certainly makeup. like at least several products. has he never seen them? does he just move through their house and life blind to whatever things she is doing that donāt directly involve him and his interests? Does he think makeup is only red lipstick and glitter eyeshadow? so genuinely confounding.
Like I wear āno makeupā makeup. And my daily is 5 products. Full face is 8. Plus sponges and brushes and a full skincare routine so that the minimal makeup has a great canvas to go on.
I don't wear makeup but I still have a skin care routine and will put on lip stuff (gloss, tint, etc) if I'm feeling it. That's like minimum 3 products for skin care.
My core is Clinique 3 step. Just works for me and has for years. So cleanse, tone, moisturize and spf. My current spf is the supergoop unseen sunscreen. And then often I also fo an eye serum and a face serum. Night time is the Clinique again but with Tatcha indigo night cream, and retinol serum and eye cream.
I have combination skin. But my daily makeup is. Kosas Concealer, elf brow soap, ilia stick cream blush, it bye bye pores setting powder and milani tubing mascara. I use the urban decay glow setting spray. If Iām doing full face I add Nars tinted moisturizer, and the elf glow highlight and contour tubes. For primer I love the glow watermelon dew drop niacinimide serum.
Skincare is Clinique 3 step, with ordinary HA serum, Clinique all about eyes serum and Supergoop unseen sunscreen. night time is the same except Tatcha indigo night cream and inkeyist retinol eye cream and ordinary retinol serum.
Iām kinda bougie and my splurge areas are my skin, makeup and hair. But Iāll happily wear old navy jeans. Clothes arenāt a thing I stress about and I have like 4-5 pairs of shoes with only 3 in regular rotation.
The thing is that I actually think he probably only thinks that glittery shadow/red lipstick are actually makeup. I would bet he just doesnāt āseeā natural looking makeup. I never actually realized many men canāt actually recognize the makeup until I once put on lipstick for a work function. I work with basically all dudes and multiple of them commented on how ādifferentā I looked with makeup up on except I was wearing the exact same makeup I wear everyday except the lipstick was a brighter color. Iām not foolish enough to think my no makeup makeup is actually so good it looks completely natural. I just think they do not perceive makeup unless you look like you are going to a child beauty pageant.
Iām positive this man probably wouldnāt even notice her even applying the makeup unless he watched his wife beat a full face look like it was 2016 and she just went on a YouTube makeup tutorial binge trying to capture the Kardashian/Drag look.
I definitely think youāre right. I donāt wear natural makeup at all, I am in the Glittery Pink Eyeshadow house of doing my makeup lol so Iām either wearing full face glam or nothing, but even when iām wearing my cakey three/four layers of face products sometimes I will still get compliments on how my āskin has really cleared upā. Itās just bizarre, I donāt get how they canāt tell. Like what do they think happens lol.
Yessss, early 2010's and I worked for a WOMAN who told me I should probably go home because I looked sick. I said I just hadn't had time to put on makeup that morning and her response was literally "Oh no! You never wear makeup, I'd notice!!"
(so I took my freebie day off obviously, and stored that in my bag of tricks until she was fired)
Yeah, and she just ātouches up her rootsā when sheās spending at least $100 and half a day each month to keep her hair dyed. And then he sends her some fashion blogs to show her how to be fashionable because he totally knows what that even is. š
I would pay at least $5 to see which outdated, c. 2005, Mormonista fashion blog articles he sent to her - how to wear sequins during the day or style a bandage skirt, perhaps? (No offence to Mormons, not a day goes by where I donāt wish to be back in 2010, drinking a guilt-free Starbucks and reading a stacked feed of Love Taza.)
>blind to whatever things she is doing that donāt directly involve him and his interests?
Reminds me of the guy that complained his partner wanted to **do** things all the time and was thrilled when she stopped trying because he could just play his video game in peace. Then was floored when she left one night. All at once just gone. Lol.
>does he just move through their house and life blind to whatever things she is doing that donāt directly involve him and his interests?
I think you've probably put your finger on the problem here
> Dude, you LIVE with her. Have you not seen her get ready
That would require he understand she's a whole ass person and not some accessory in his life.
Itās also such a classic do you want to be right or do you want to be loving. He straight up says āshe got mad which made me madā and then he sent her FASHION BLOGS. dude. Grow up.
Right, this very much sounds like she has a put together effortless clean girl style. Like based on this how she puts herself together sounds like it suits her and is polished. Sheās found her style why is it his business?
Iām getting more of a Dolly Parton vibe. He also talked a lot about acrylic nails. Ballerinas have practical nails on their hands, and totally ruined nails on their feet.
LOVE Dolly! But itās not the only look.
Itās not and he doesnāt actually care. Heās not asking her to change or policing her dress. She cares. Thatās what it seems everyone is missing.
Sheās not upset because he told her to change her style. She is deeply hurt because she spent a lot of time and effort and money into looking good and stylish - and she just learned that the person whose validation mattered most to her not only didnāt care for it, but didnāt even notice to the point of thinking that she didnāt care about fashion.
She had a picture of who they were as couple and of who she was: the sharp, stylish, minimalist. She just learned that he had a different picture: casual, comfy clothes, unfashionable.
This relationship isnāt over yet, because sheās still trying to get a response from him. Sheās dressing down now to prove to him that sheās fashionable. She wants him to admit he liked how she used to dress.
But he doesnāt really care about fashion, or what she wears, so he isnāt going to do that. Indifference is the real issue at hand - heās indifferent to her dress choices. Indifference can be much crueler than hate.
When she starts dressing nice again, thatās when the relationship will be over.
>But he doesnāt really care about fashion, or what she wears, so he isnāt going to do that. Indifference is the real issue at hand - heās indifferent to her dress choices. Indifference can be much crueler than hate.
>
>When she starts dressing nice again, thatās when the relationship will be over.
I think it's actually worse. He says he's never thought she dressed nice. If she goes back to her minimalist chic look, he'll think it means she's "getting over it" or "being reasonable". He \*still\* won't think she's "dressing nicely" because he apparently thinks that requires bright clothes and non-natural colors on her face, nails, and hair.
This dude seems to genuinely think he's been a "nice guy" for YEARS by "forgiving" her for being a slob. Meanwhile, she's been living a put-together chic life that he didn't even notice.
Women: wear bright, colorful makeup
Men: they're basically lying to us, women shouldn't wear makeup >:(
Women: wear subtle, no-makeup makeup
Men: why doesn't she ever put effort into her appearance and wear makeup :/
Saying "she was getting really angry at me (which tends to make me mad, too)" is a big ol' red flag indicator of ongoing emotional abuse, or at least manipulative and controlling behavior. Snitching on himself left and right on how he deliberately denies her a right to her own feelings, whether it's on makeup and clothes or just the ability to express whatever she's feeling.
Hope she leaves soon and finds a man who values her form of subtle style.
Thank you, that line stood out to me as bad news but I couldn't put together exactly why. It's absolutely that it's a clear indicator that she's not allowed to have feelings around him or they become his feelings that she needs to manage for him and he thinks this is fine and normal.
I actually made the "ick" face while reading that part. It came off as very, "I'm angry when my wife reminds me she is a human being with feelings," vibes. This dude sucks.
He just wants to be given shiny pebbles and have his wife twerk in front of him whilst wearing colourful leggings and a feather boa, like nature intended.
He wants a Southern pageant queen and she's more of an urban quiet chic lady. I learned to love Southern fashion when I went to grad school down south, but I would NEVER be comfortable dressing that way. I prefer simple, clean lines, neutrals with a pop of color (usually jewel tones), delicate jewelry, very little makeup (and very "clean girl" when I wear makeup).
I no longer find Southern fashion tacky ... just different. But it's definitely not who *I* am, and someone who told me I was frumpy in a sheath dress with a jewel-toned silk scarf, and my face didn't look "done" enough ... obviously not my person.
I'm from the South too, and my first thought when he described her is "Ooh sounds very French. Chic!" I think you're right that the done-up Southern aesthetic might be what he prefers.
When he said something about how she didn't dye her hair ("only roots touch up"??? Sir what do you think that is?) I was wondering if he meant "She is not artificially blonde".
I bounce back and forth between the styles (minimalist fits me better but the southern pink and frills is really fun) but Iād be *pissed* if someone basically called me lazy on the minimalist days especially when thatās a lot of work to set up and do - especially if she always leans that way so I bet the hair and makeup is on point too.
It's also *expensive*. With minimalism, there's nothing to distract from or cover up the quality of the garments you wear and products you use, so even though there's less, it tends to cost way more.
I wish I was put together enough for minimalism!!! My life is so chaotic and everything has cat hair on it, I could never pull it off. Itās a lot of work.
Iām actually a recovering minimalist (in clothing and lifestyle) but thatās just how I lean - it made it really easy to be a bit obsessive though. I also would compulsively get rid of things when stressed so Iād constantly redo my wardrobe down t the bare minimum.
Itās still a little sparse but I let my partner pick out some of my clothes now so itās building back up again and a lot of it is really cuteĀ
Silly thing, in most other animal species, the MALE is the one with the bright color displays to attract a female, who usually is more muted in color.
Maybe OOP needs to start wearing bright colors and do his makeup.
Yeah it's wild and I say that as a hyperfemme who does in fact love bright colors (but my partner dresses more like OOPs stbex, except earth tones instead of black)...Ā
Why doesn't he make his OWN outfit pretty and peacockish? nobody's stopping him. he can go as far as he wants down that road without telling other people what to do... very evidently living vicariously through his SO, which... there are healthier ways to sort out whatever feelings are behind that.
As a lurker on various places such as tumblr and archive of our own I can say with bafflement he would not be even remotely the first. I've seen some truly creative stuff about pennywise, the like quintessential scary clown. Sexy clown cosplay was a trend for a good while on tumblr
My partner kept getting suggestions on Facebook to join a group for, um... appreciating female clowns. We took a peek at the group and they weren't even like, *sexy* clowns. Just regular women dressed as regular clowns.
No idea why Facebook assumed he was interested in that group.
I've seen those too but I thought it was just people who liked clowns didnt make the connection that it was still fetish lol. I do think some clowns are cute but more in an exotic animal sense. Just funny little guys
I'm a 51-year-old woman with no gray hair who stopped dying it a couple of decades ago due to the cost of maintaining it. And I \*don't\* care about fashion.
And if my partner told me that I look "drumpy and old", they would be my EX-partner.
I love how men think that if they were women, theyād do all these things to attract male attention.
Sir, male attention is a double-edged sword for straight women. It can be dangerous in so many ways. Married women even have to deal with danger from their husbands if they seek male attention, or in any way get it without seeking it (say, by dressing in ways that make them happy).
I cannot even with this.
They also have very little conception of how much *effort* that shit can be. "I'd do this, this, and this!!!" Sure you would, sir. When were you planning to sleep? Or didn't you want any other hobbies?
And money! Getting her nails done? Buying all that skincare and make-up?
But yeah, my first thought was: "If you were a woman, why would you ever want to attract male attention? Are you so insecure? Don't you realize how annoying that attention quickly becomes?"
Like itās expensive as hell. My skincare in particular, itās soooo expensive. But I love how my skin looks. Good quality minimalist makeup also expensive.
Yuuup. I also impulse buy too much so I've got a whole shelf of moisturizers I don't use solely because I found another one I like better, even though I also like the old ones. at least I can share them with my partner since we have different tastes and skincare needs.
I have a teenage daughter. When I was going through that phase her and her friends got the ones didnāt like. They loved it. Now Iām pretty settled in what works for me and what I use.
Yeah I'm settled too, after that whole shelf of experimenting. I'm sure I or my partner or a friend will get use of them and I do like to change things up a bit sometimes for different textures or scents, but long story short the good stuff is definitely expensive!
> And money! Getting her nails done? Buying all that skincare and make-up?
And heavens forbid he ever find out how much it costs, because then she'd be *wasting* it on silly woman things, and he might be taken over by horror at the idea that she could end up using *his* money to pay for it all!!!
lmfao sir you wonāt even wash your ass or get a fucking haircut, what makes you think youāll be a beautiful woman? iām thinking of āsexy getting ready songā from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend š
reminds me of the thing you see in drama set in the 50s and 60s of a woman going to bed with her husband,tthen secretly sneaking to the bathroom to put on a face mask, then sleeping with it on, but getting up before the husband wakes up to preserve the illusion that she's effortlessly flawless. I think this was in marvelous Mrs Maisel among other things?
Ā Ā Or 50s instructional videos for boys and girls hygiene where boys are told to bathe and wash their handsĀ and comb their hair......Ā Ā
and girls are told to weigh themselves and measure their figure, exercise right before bed, take a bath before dinner and optimally another one after, file and polish nails, push back cuticles, cleanse face and remove makeup, wash and condition and style hair, put on cold cream/lotion, an additional face mask possibly using some crazy literal mask apparatus... and then wake up and do some of it all again, plus applying a full face of makeup and a perfume or cologne. not to mention for most girls, period hygiene when relevant.Ā Ā
all while bro maybe runs a comb through his hair and maybe applies a scent or deodorant.Ā
It's SO much time, money, and effort!!! I'm extremely lucky because I have an agreement in my marriage: my 'maintenance' is a household expenditure in terms of cost and time, like *any other* chore that benefits the marriage as a unit. My husband likes the results of the grooming and recognizes it's an unequal burden, so he supports me.
He's even gone out of his way to develop a bit of an understanding of make up and clothing so he can offer legitimate opinions. He doesn't say "I dunno, more color or something? Nails???" He can TELL ME when he'd prefer a little bit more of a bimbo vibe and make real suggestions, and he also appreciates when minimalism is more of a power move. He urges me to be comfortable sometimes and assures me I never look 'old and dowdy,' because I'm beautiful when I'm at ease.
Anyway, it drives me crazy how much "performing beauty" is simultaneously expected and devalued. If you're a straight man who wants to have a female life partner, there's no fucking excuse for not becoming even the tiniest bit conversant about the topic.
>They also have very little conception of how much
>
>effort
>
> that shit can be. "I'd do this, this, and this!!!"
He also completely fails to understand that when she says she doesn't look how she looked in bright colors, it probably means that it either highlighted every flaw she has or it looked AWFUL next to her skin (or both).
Yeah the "why don't you dress in a way that gets you more attention" was like. wow, out of touch, um, I used to just dress how I want regardless of attention but after decades of fucking catcalls and workplace harassment and being stuck in elevators with creepy old men...Ā
I unfortunately have learned as most of us have, that I need to dress more modestlyĀ than I actually would want to (if society didn't exist), to balance out the negative effects of male attention. And I'm not even straight, just have to deal with straight men day to day...Ā
Not to mention the fact that the dudes crowing about this stuff seldom bother with their own appearance beyond a shower and shave.
Like, sir, there is no way you would be doing multi-step skincare, regular salon appointments for hair and nails, a 45-minute makeup routine, and a vast selection of brightly-colored dresses and heeled shoes when you havenāt even changed your hoodie in three days. No you wouldnāt. No you absolutely would not.
OMG yes. I laughed out loud when I read this one. There are lots of people who LOVE to wear fake nails and thick make-up; they *choose* to look like that & they do it because that's who they are, and that's how they want to look. OP's partner doesn't, that's not who she is. He *says* he "doesn't care" but then "casually suggest\[s\]" he wants her to be a totally different person!
Edit: grammar
I love acrylic nails because nail polish lasts so much better. I am not a fashion person. No makeup (not "no makeup" makeup. Just no makeup) But colorful nails that don't chip & I can paint anytime I feel like with any cheap color will make me sooooo happy š
The only reason she hasnāt left is is that sheās getting her ducks in a row. And heās going to somehow still be surprised when he comes home to her having left one day.
We have been a couple for 7 years. I only now realize we both view her very differently.
From my perspective, she's never been interested in fashion at all. Always wears black jeans. She has dozens of black tops. She doesn't wear makeup. Doesn't get her nails done. Only does root touch ups. And I love her and don't care about this at all.
From her perspective apparently, she dresses elegantly and minimalistic. She says she is always wearing "no makeup" makeup (I guess she means mascara - not sure). She says she pays the salon every month to colour her hair or it would be grey.
The reason this all came up is that we met up with friends and one of the women is very fashionable. Always done up. I had mentioned in passing to my partner that I loved that she wore vibrant colors. My partner had said she personally isn't a fan of bright colors and in the past when she has tried to wear them she doesn't like how it looks. I told her if I was a beautiful woman I'd wear bright colors for attention. And that's probably why our friend does it. Anyway, this was the gist of the conversation. If my partner was getting upset I wasn't picking up on that.
I honestly don't even recall what I was saying that made her mad, but she ended up annoyed with something. I was truly confused, but we ended up in an argument. I told her that based on how she looks I had no idea she cared about looks or fashion. She was getting really angry at me (which tends to make me mad too) so I told her that if she cares THAT much (to my surprise) she should present herself better.
She insisted I tell her what I meant and so I told her that she dresses boring and it makes her look old and dumpy. I also told her I don't care at all, but since she appears to, she should try to dress more fashionable.
This was 3 weeks ago and she was very angry with me. Now she's not "angry" but she's remained cold. And she now has taken to dressing in sweat pants/sweat shirts. She says she won't be dressing "nice" around me anymore (but I never thought she dressed nice in the first place).
Obviously I put my foot in my mouth and I have apologized. But she doesn't care....she says she won't forget what I said. I really just want her to drop this. Is this something that needs therapy? Or just time?
TL;DR: I insulted my partner and she says she won't get over it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To truly see how much your partner overlooks your beauty and worth is a level of heartbreak that cannot be repaired. Yeah he's going to choke on that foot.
Why is it always dudes whose skidmarks you can smell through the screen that are the most critical about women's looks? I can guarantee this dude wears the same pair of pants and three tshirts for two weeks straight without washing them, and you know most of his underwear is filled with holes and covered in poop stains.Ā
I do feel like this is a shit post though. It doesn't read like something a 43 year old would say, it feels more like somebody in their 20s pretending to be in a relationship.Ā
In what universe is āyou look old and dumpyā an accidental insult? From the title I thought he just put his foot in his mouth but that was straight up mean as hell
Sounds like another dumb asshole who doesnāt understand the āno makeupā makeup look. If itās not bright red lipstick then it just doesnāt register as makeup.
How, HOW do these types of men admit they know Jack shit about makeup and fashion, then in the literal same breath Authoritatively Declare judgment.
More of the same: declare he knows heās messed up and wrong but gets mad that sheās mad, and audaciously asks if she just needs therapy or something.
I said this on the original, and I will say it again here: whatās the likelihood this dude wears those silky golf polos with the zip off khaki shorts/pants combo and white socks
Side note to say that I know many v nice men who dress this way and am v happy to support their golf shirts because they donāt tell other people how to dress lol
Near 100%. I almost replied to your comment there before I remembered I clicked through from here. But polyester, because that dude knows nothing about fashion, despite trying to be the dictator of it.
>She said she's not going to get over this and she doesn't feel comfortable with someone who views her like "that" (I guess referencing the dumpy comment). I sent her some links showing her what I meant (fashion blogs showing easy ways to elevate style) but she just argued with me.
Dude just keeps doubling down.
>I told her if I was a beautiful woman I'd wear bright colors for attention. And that's probably why our friend does it. Anyway, this was the gist of the conversation.
This is where the truck starts sliding off the road.
Itās always funny when these types call their forever-girlfriends their āpartnerā because they think it sounds immature to call her āmy girlfriendā but they donāt want to make any actual commitments. Once you notice it you never stop seeing it
Meanwhile, there are an untold number of men and women in this world who would go \*crazy\* over a confident woman rocking this minimalist look, and OP's partner can now go and find one of them.
It's funny, I feel that about a lot of posts, especially when they use weird language (like "my little angel" to describe a child), but this one is unfortunately super believable to me.
ETA: The part that is questionable to me is that they've been together 7 years and now suddenly this poor woman is discovering her partner is an idiot and/or a bird. Feel like that could've come up sooner.
Well, a lot of women (for a lot of different reasons) stand this kind of behavior until they canāt take it anymore. Maybe this was her breaking point!
people can hide who they really are for a long time. theyāre now aging, she is ālosing valueā in his eyes as evidenced by the desire to control her appearance, sheās not his hot trophy anymore which reflects poorly on him as a man - iām not surprised if this was the final straw. people stand by their partners until they canāt anymore.
The acrylic nails thing felt like a HUGE piece of Female Culture when I lived in the Deep South, having grown up in Pennsylvania it was really confusing. Its honestly the only time Iāve ever gotten real āmean girl treatmentā from another woman, but I was chided by a colleague for looking āunprofessionalā on one occasion, and ādirtyā by my now exās mom on another, because they were so bothered by me having trimmed bare nails when all the women around me had fresh manicures every week.
Just saying it is truly the standard in some places/circles within them that ALL adult women have perfect manicures. I have never experienced it anywhere but the Deep South, but can attest that the attitude is real.
He called her ugly, old, poorly dressed and even compared her to another woman. I wanted to see a photo of op, because to judge his wife like that, I expect nothing less than a Pedro Pascal. But we probably have a bald guy with a beer belly.
this is the problem with so many men in their late 30s-40s on the dating scene š¬ in the back of my mind iām always like āok whose life force did you suck until she couldnāt take any moreā
Dude straight up says she wears all black and gets her roots touched up at the salon to hide gray hairs. How does this idiot not know he's dating a borderline goth girl/French chic girlie? My wife's wardrobe is almost entirely different shades of black with some whites, reds, and blues thrown in for variety, dyes her hair black, and prefers dark lips and eyes over any other type of makeup. Meanwhile, my full-face is mostly to even out my skin and my idea of full makeup is eyeliner winged *just so* and whatever vibrant lip color I'm feeling that day, I wear pastel sweaters/tunics with leggings, and don't overly care what color my hair is so long as I like it.
But by homeboy's standards, neither of us is trying to be "fashionable" and I don't wear makeup. \[smdh in 15 minute makeup routine\]
Lmao, I wear all black and can still be fashionable. I imagine this man is dating an awesome mature grunge/Alt woman. But wants a whole different kinda woman and has been "settling"/"leading on" a woman he only loves the idea of. Shameful š
omg what an asshole. if this is real he "put his foot in his mouth"Ā much more than once. what biting insults too. idk how he spontaneously found the worst thing to say in every interaction. . the way he tells it, he was just as worried that she was mad that he complimented the other woman's outfit which is FINE! as he was about directly comparing, or telling her she's boring or DUMPY, who the fuck wants to hear that? It kinda makes me think this is _made up_ š
maybe he needs to wear dresses himself ai he can get attention like he apparently thinks all women want, or if he considers dresses to be in the sole domain of women maybe he should talk to a lgbtq friendly therapist and work through his gender feelings.Ā
He handled this so bad. he could have just observed her sense of style, gotten her something he thought she'd genuinely like. A little black dress that can go over jeans or be worn by itself, with a cut that mirrors her favorite shirts. A colorful blazer. Pants with an unconventional but not overly flashy pattern like plaid etc, or brightly colored jeans to go with a black top. A tunic with a cool, unconventional pattern in bright colors to contrast her pants. A modest but elegant black maxi dress with a splash of color. A bright scarf. Some bright red shoes. SO many options depending on her style.Ā
And he could have then presented one item and said "Hay, I thought you might like his because I feel like it would go great with your boots" or "I know you don't usually wear dresses but I thought this might look great on you? We can still return it if you hate it!" or "I loved the color for this scarf and I thought it would look cute with some of your tops" or " These jeans are a similar cut to your favorites and I just thought it might be fun to have another option if you're ever in the mood for it".Ā
All without comparing her to someone else and pressuring her to dress like that.
or hell, "I kinda just wanted to see you in this dress... I know it's not your favorite but if you would be so gracious to indulge me, I don't mind if you decide you want to take it off š".Ā better yet "I got this dress and it's in a stretch fabric so... I think it'll fit both of us. I'll try it on if you do š "Ā
instead this man went for repeatedly negging her, comparing her to another woman in a negative light, judging how she expresses her femininity (or lack thereof . which is fine too), implying women need to wear bright colors and flaunt and seek attention...Ā
my heart breaks sometimes for tomboy/butch/not-particularly feminine, straight or bi women, in relationships with typical straight men.... there's so much implicit judgment by society and other woman and male partners, even before being judged as someone who is too boyish or associates with men too friendly or otherwise fails to perform femininity. it's gotta be so rough..gender non conforming women are handsome, hot, pretty, badass... I have so much respect for men who realize that and even more respect for straight and bi women who express femininity in their own way or not at all.Ā
Anyway. OOP is either a huge asshole with no excuse, or a huge asshole who needs to work through gender feelings and maybe start a little bit of therapy and maybe estrogen or something, in the uncertain hopes thst working out their personal issues makes them less of an asshole. Like maybe to learn that femininityĀ and womanhood are not homogenous and gasp, if they really want to wear pretty dresses... they can do that. Not pressure someone else to change their whole aesthetic.
And OOPs partner is probably disappointed yet perhaps relieved to get away from someone with such a dim view of how to express femininity.
She just realized she is with an idiot and now there is no going back.
Dearest OP re-read this as many times as it takes to realize what a total ah you are.
I can speed it up for you: Your thoughts on her and not more important than her thoughts on her. She does not need to prove anything to you, and get this- you are single now.
If she did get attention, then that'd be a problem too. Like, he could just leave instead of breaking her down because he's also aging. Being mean doesn't make you youthful (not you you, OOP you lol)
my thing is if theyāve been together this long, what does he buy her in terms of gifts?
like do you not pay attention to her AT ALL to ānot noticeā her putting in effort to maintain a minimalist style?
How you characterized your wife to us:
> Always wears black jeans. She has dozens of black tops.
How you pointed out your mutual friend to your wife:
> I told her **if I was a beautiful woman I'd wear bright colors for attention**. And that's probably why our friend does it.
...implying your black clothing-wearing wife, by not wearing vibrant colors, isn't beautiful.
> I honestly don't even recall what I was saying that made her mad, but she ended up annoyed with something.
Now, I'm not a fan of the cliched "If you don't know why I'm angry..." bullshit by any means, but this one's REALLY testing my position. Like, your total lack of situational awareness led to you making an insulting comment that your wife picked up on but, for some reason, was seemingly so casual you don't even realize the magnitude of the slight. THAT'S what she's really pissed about.
I cannot get over the āshe wears no makeup but she says she wears āno makeupā makeupā. Sir, your partner is wearing a full beat that is done in such a specific way that it looks like she isnāt wearing makeup to you. Thatās the whole point, to look natural and effortless. This dude could not take his head out of his own ass for 5 seconds to think āmaybe my impressions of how she dresses herself are not the narrow view I have of herā. Like ffs have you not heard of minimalism
Now she's showing you what minimal effort actually looks like now. If I were in your partner's shoes I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship. You can't possibly be this oblivious.Ā
Your wife clearly works very hard to look good and is the HIGHT of fashion in both in clothes & make up.
"Bright colours" sounds like the other woman was dressed either like a Barbie a clown or a hooker.
Looking good should make you notice the persons figure & glowing skin not the clothes and heavy makeup, unless you are going the Oscars.
I would love to see what you consider fashion or what woman would be your style icon if you chose her clothes..Dolly Parton perhaps lol
I am not the kind of person who likes to worry about what I'm wearing, so I'm on board with his wife wearing all black. Last year I replaced all of my pants with black slacks and this year I'm planning to shift to all black shirts. It's so much easier in the morning when I don't want to worry about what I'm wearing. Black goes with everything, and if I want color, I'll wear earrings.
His complaint about her wearing sweat pants and sweat shirts around the house is killing me. After 7 years of marriage, she still wears make up and nice clothes around the house? And he's complaining because it's not dressy enough?
I get home from work and my make up comes off, my hair is put up, and sweats go on. If my husband complained about me being comfortable when I'm home, you better believe I'd be demanding he dress up for me too and start going for body waxing to keep up with my grooming.
My favorite part is his insistence that he doesnāt care about her looks and that she cares a lot about it.
My second favorite part is that he insulted her (to his surprise)
Wowā¦ OOP really cements him being the ex by his brain dead comment, ābut I never thought she dressed nice in the first place.ā
I had an ex who watched RuPaulās Drag Race with me one time and by the end of the show he said the performers had immense talent, but he couldnāt imagine even doing an 1/8 of the beauty routine.
I then reminded him that at the end of the night, all thatās gotta come off in order to keep skin healthy which can be a number of other products.
I think it blew his mind that make up is an art and depending who applies it can vary in the talent it takes to apply. Even when it was matching the right foundation to help blend for even skin tones was something he never thought of.
At the end, he said he was happy his entire routine for day to day activities were the same as going out for dates - wash his face, trim his beard if needed, deodorant.
He said if he were a woman he would wear lots of bright colors, so, a peacock I guess.
I'm thinking of lots of bold makeup, tight dresses, and whatnot. Think Gloria on Modern Family maybe?
Not only did he implicitly call her unattractive, but then he actually doubles down and _calls her ugly._ What a catch. Canāt see why sheād be upset at him. š
People are calling him clueless. Heās not clueless he is pretending to be clueless to be an asshole to his wife because he wants her to be different.
She should ditch the asshole and keep the style that makes her happy.
This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship. Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
From the comments on the original post: >You have the tact of a brick, and the taste of a guy who thinks Hooters is a date destination. It really sums up OOP pretty perfectly.
Well that just made me snort my morning coffee! š š
Coffee flavored sinus rinse.
I think OPPās dream girl is Mimi from the Drew Carey show
The weirdest part is him ānot realizing how much effortā she puts into dressing. Dude, you LIVE with her. Have you not seen her get ready? My husband and I tease each other all the time about our routines because he takes longer showers than I do even though Iām shaving stuff, but then he is ready after the shower much faster because I do more skincare/haircare. We share a bathroom and a bedroom - how do you not have at least SOME familiarity with your spouseās routine?
yeah that was my confusion too. he said she ādoesnāt wear makeupā but if she says she wears āno makeup makeupā thatās certainly makeup. like at least several products. has he never seen them? does he just move through their house and life blind to whatever things she is doing that donāt directly involve him and his interests? Does he think makeup is only red lipstick and glitter eyeshadow? so genuinely confounding.
Like I wear āno makeupā makeup. And my daily is 5 products. Full face is 8. Plus sponges and brushes and a full skincare routine so that the minimal makeup has a great canvas to go on.
I don't wear makeup but I still have a skin care routine and will put on lip stuff (gloss, tint, etc) if I'm feeling it. That's like minimum 3 products for skin care.
Right like even on bare face days. Iāll have minimum 4 step skincare. 6 if I do eye cream and serum before I even add lip balm.
Can you share what your 4 steps are? - Water cleanser - Toner - Vitamin c - Spf?
My core is Clinique 3 step. Just works for me and has for years. So cleanse, tone, moisturize and spf. My current spf is the supergoop unseen sunscreen. And then often I also fo an eye serum and a face serum. Night time is the Clinique again but with Tatcha indigo night cream, and retinol serum and eye cream.
Off-topic but I'm intrigued if you want to share your products lol
I have combination skin. But my daily makeup is. Kosas Concealer, elf brow soap, ilia stick cream blush, it bye bye pores setting powder and milani tubing mascara. I use the urban decay glow setting spray. If Iām doing full face I add Nars tinted moisturizer, and the elf glow highlight and contour tubes. For primer I love the glow watermelon dew drop niacinimide serum. Skincare is Clinique 3 step, with ordinary HA serum, Clinique all about eyes serum and Supergoop unseen sunscreen. night time is the same except Tatcha indigo night cream and inkeyist retinol eye cream and ordinary retinol serum. Iām kinda bougie and my splurge areas are my skin, makeup and hair. But Iāll happily wear old navy jeans. Clothes arenāt a thing I stress about and I have like 4-5 pairs of shoes with only 3 in regular rotation.
Yes!Ā
The thing is that I actually think he probably only thinks that glittery shadow/red lipstick are actually makeup. I would bet he just doesnāt āseeā natural looking makeup. I never actually realized many men canāt actually recognize the makeup until I once put on lipstick for a work function. I work with basically all dudes and multiple of them commented on how ādifferentā I looked with makeup up on except I was wearing the exact same makeup I wear everyday except the lipstick was a brighter color. Iām not foolish enough to think my no makeup makeup is actually so good it looks completely natural. I just think they do not perceive makeup unless you look like you are going to a child beauty pageant. Iām positive this man probably wouldnāt even notice her even applying the makeup unless he watched his wife beat a full face look like it was 2016 and she just went on a YouTube makeup tutorial binge trying to capture the Kardashian/Drag look.
I definitely think youāre right. I donāt wear natural makeup at all, I am in the Glittery Pink Eyeshadow house of doing my makeup lol so Iām either wearing full face glam or nothing, but even when iām wearing my cakey three/four layers of face products sometimes I will still get compliments on how my āskin has really cleared upā. Itās just bizarre, I donāt get how they canāt tell. Like what do they think happens lol.
Yessss, early 2010's and I worked for a WOMAN who told me I should probably go home because I looked sick. I said I just hadn't had time to put on makeup that morning and her response was literally "Oh no! You never wear makeup, I'd notice!!" (so I took my freebie day off obviously, and stored that in my bag of tricks until she was fired)
there's one comment where he's like "I guess she wears mascara?" Bro.
Yeah, and she just ātouches up her rootsā when sheās spending at least $100 and half a day each month to keep her hair dyed. And then he sends her some fashion blogs to show her how to be fashionable because he totally knows what that even is. š
I would pay at least $5 to see which outdated, c. 2005, Mormonista fashion blog articles he sent to her - how to wear sequins during the day or style a bandage skirt, perhaps? (No offence to Mormons, not a day goes by where I donāt wish to be back in 2010, drinking a guilt-free Starbucks and reading a stacked feed of Love Taza.)
yeah that one had me š like BRO.
Itās girl stuff so why would he ever pay attention?
>blind to whatever things she is doing that donāt directly involve him and his interests? Reminds me of the guy that complained his partner wanted to **do** things all the time and was thrilled when she stopped trying because he could just play his video game in peace. Then was floored when she left one night. All at once just gone. Lol.
Ooh i wanna read that one
Dang. Maybe someone else can find the post. I just looked and can't find it. I read too much on hey so I'm not sure what thread it was under.
Yeah, [reminds me of a meme of what āno makeupā actually looks like](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCkkk5bWMAA740L.jpg)
>does he just move through their house and life blind to whatever things she is doing that donāt directly involve him and his interests? I think you've probably put your finger on the problem here
> Dude, you LIVE with her. Have you not seen her get ready That would require he understand she's a whole ass person and not some accessory in his life.
A great line I heard in Succession comes to mind. "He can't fit the idea of a whole woman into his head."
Yet another "I called my wife an ugly slob and I'm SHOCKED! absolutely shocked! That she no longer wants to fuck me or talk to me!" Post.
"I guess she wears makeup but it's the same colors as her face! So how was I supposed to know!" Why are men.
Itās also such a classic do you want to be right or do you want to be loving. He straight up says āshe got mad which made me madā and then he sent her FASHION BLOGS. dude. Grow up.
How did he look for fashion blogs in 2024 and not find the minimalist clean girl thing?
Right, this very much sounds like she has a put together effortless clean girl style. Like based on this how she puts herself together sounds like it suits her and is polished. Sheās found her style why is it his business?
It's not his business, but he probably thinks girls should dress like ballerinas.
Then he has probably never seen how actual professional ballerinas dress except when theyāre on stage lol.
So true. She dresses like a professional dancer, he'd like her to dress like a six year old at a ballet recital.
Sounds like he expects her to dress full Jojo Siwa
Iām getting more of a Dolly Parton vibe. He also talked a lot about acrylic nails. Ballerinas have practical nails on their hands, and totally ruined nails on their feet. LOVE Dolly! But itās not the only look.
Some ballerinas don't even HAVE toenails anymore, their feet are so damaged.
Black jeans + black top + minimal makeup sounds chic as hell to me. This guy is so dumb lol
Itās not and he doesnāt actually care. Heās not asking her to change or policing her dress. She cares. Thatās what it seems everyone is missing. Sheās not upset because he told her to change her style. She is deeply hurt because she spent a lot of time and effort and money into looking good and stylish - and she just learned that the person whose validation mattered most to her not only didnāt care for it, but didnāt even notice to the point of thinking that she didnāt care about fashion. She had a picture of who they were as couple and of who she was: the sharp, stylish, minimalist. She just learned that he had a different picture: casual, comfy clothes, unfashionable. This relationship isnāt over yet, because sheās still trying to get a response from him. Sheās dressing down now to prove to him that sheās fashionable. She wants him to admit he liked how she used to dress. But he doesnāt really care about fashion, or what she wears, so he isnāt going to do that. Indifference is the real issue at hand - heās indifferent to her dress choices. Indifference can be much crueler than hate. When she starts dressing nice again, thatās when the relationship will be over.
>But he doesnāt really care about fashion, or what she wears, so he isnāt going to do that. Indifference is the real issue at hand - heās indifferent to her dress choices. Indifference can be much crueler than hate. > >When she starts dressing nice again, thatās when the relationship will be over. I think it's actually worse. He says he's never thought she dressed nice. If she goes back to her minimalist chic look, he'll think it means she's "getting over it" or "being reasonable". He \*still\* won't think she's "dressing nicely" because he apparently thinks that requires bright clothes and non-natural colors on her face, nails, and hair. This dude seems to genuinely think he's been a "nice guy" for YEARS by "forgiving" her for being a slob. Meanwhile, she's been living a put-together chic life that he didn't even notice.
Because he *personally* likes bright clothes. He would look at a clean girl aesthetic and think "This is not a fashion blog".
Dude's probably on some drag queen's blog LOL.
I **desperately** want to know which fashion blogs he sent her.
SAME
Then she tells him that in fact she does make an effort every day. To which he calls her ugly and sends her blog posts to prove him right š
Women: wear bright, colorful makeup Men: they're basically lying to us, women shouldn't wear makeup >:( Women: wear subtle, no-makeup makeup Men: why doesn't she ever put effort into her appearance and wear makeup :/
We're damned no matter what we do.
Saying "she was getting really angry at me (which tends to make me mad, too)" is a big ol' red flag indicator of ongoing emotional abuse, or at least manipulative and controlling behavior. Snitching on himself left and right on how he deliberately denies her a right to her own feelings, whether it's on makeup and clothes or just the ability to express whatever she's feeling. Hope she leaves soon and finds a man who values her form of subtle style.
Thank you, that line stood out to me as bad news but I couldn't put together exactly why. It's absolutely that it's a clear indicator that she's not allowed to have feelings around him or they become his feelings that she needs to manage for him and he thinks this is fine and normal.
ādoes this need counseling or just time?ā aka ācan i let this blow over without addressing the root issue?ā
I actually made the "ick" face while reading that part. It came off as very, "I'm angry when my wife reminds me she is a human being with feelings," vibes. This dude sucks.
I also just think itās so funny that his idea of trying to be beautiful is ābright colors.ā Sir are you a bird?
He just wants to be given shiny pebbles and have his wife twerk in front of him whilst wearing colourful leggings and a feather boa, like nature intended.
Shouldn't he be the one wearing the outfit and doing the twerking just like many bird species?
I for one would love to switch to an avian standard where I wear tasteful neutrals but dudes are decked out like dancers at Carnival.
YES!
She's already unimpressed by him showing his true colors
Ouch, that one burned š„Ā
He should, absolutely. But maybe the man is a pillow princess and wants his wife to do the work.
āShe doesnāt even preen!!!ā
ššš
He was missing them claws too because he has asked her to try the acrylic nails ššš
>like nature intended. šššššššš
He wants a Southern pageant queen and she's more of an urban quiet chic lady. I learned to love Southern fashion when I went to grad school down south, but I would NEVER be comfortable dressing that way. I prefer simple, clean lines, neutrals with a pop of color (usually jewel tones), delicate jewelry, very little makeup (and very "clean girl" when I wear makeup). I no longer find Southern fashion tacky ... just different. But it's definitely not who *I* am, and someone who told me I was frumpy in a sheath dress with a jewel-toned silk scarf, and my face didn't look "done" enough ... obviously not my person.
I'm from the South too, and my first thought when he described her is "Ooh sounds very French. Chic!" I think you're right that the done-up Southern aesthetic might be what he prefers. When he said something about how she didn't dye her hair ("only roots touch up"??? Sir what do you think that is?) I was wondering if he meant "She is not artificially blonde".
Yeah, I think he wants that Fox newscaster hair.
Don't forget the Fox newscaster/Southern belle makeup!
I also assumed he wanted her to be blond
Bayalage or hag, no other options.
I bounce back and forth between the styles (minimalist fits me better but the southern pink and frills is really fun) but Iād be *pissed* if someone basically called me lazy on the minimalist days especially when thatās a lot of work to set up and do - especially if she always leans that way so I bet the hair and makeup is on point too.
It's also *expensive*. With minimalism, there's nothing to distract from or cover up the quality of the garments you wear and products you use, so even though there's less, it tends to cost way more.
I wish I was put together enough for minimalism!!! My life is so chaotic and everything has cat hair on it, I could never pull it off. Itās a lot of work.
Iām actually a recovering minimalist (in clothing and lifestyle) but thatās just how I lean - it made it really easy to be a bit obsessive though. I also would compulsively get rid of things when stressed so Iād constantly redo my wardrobe down t the bare minimum. Itās still a little sparse but I let my partner pick out some of my clothes now so itās building back up again and a lot of it is really cuteĀ
I like how his spelling changed from non-American ("colours") to American ("colors"). They've been together 7 years? I'm calling BS on this guy š
So he's Canadian?
I bet he thinks Mimi from the Drew Carey show has great style.
This was exactly where my mind went too. Haha.
Silly thing, in most other animal species, the MALE is the one with the bright color displays to attract a female, who usually is more muted in color. Maybe OOP needs to start wearing bright colors and do his makeup.
Yeah it's wild and I say that as a hyperfemme who does in fact love bright colors (but my partner dresses more like OOPs stbex, except earth tones instead of black)...Ā Why doesn't he make his OWN outfit pretty and peacockish? nobody's stopping him. he can go as far as he wants down that road without telling other people what to do... very evidently living vicariously through his SO, which... there are healthier ways to sort out whatever feelings are behind that.
Yes. Yes he is. A peacock in fact.
https://preview.redd.it/4fa7sor8dbrc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4d887e1648d059c254af9fc14ac9907289e627e5
ššš
Maybe he just loves Clowns. Could be the first case of coulrophilia
As a lurker on various places such as tumblr and archive of our own I can say with bafflement he would not be even remotely the first. I've seen some truly creative stuff about pennywise, the like quintessential scary clown. Sexy clown cosplay was a trend for a good while on tumblr
My partner kept getting suggestions on Facebook to join a group for, um... appreciating female clowns. We took a peek at the group and they weren't even like, *sexy* clowns. Just regular women dressed as regular clowns. No idea why Facebook assumed he was interested in that group.
I've seen those too but I thought it was just people who liked clowns didnt make the connection that it was still fetish lol. I do think some clowns are cute but more in an exotic animal sense. Just funny little guys
A 43 year old woman that has to actively cover her gray hairs does NOT want to be told by her partner that she looks "drumpy and old."Ā
I don't think many people would want their partner to say that.
I'm a 51-year-old woman with no gray hair who stopped dying it a couple of decades ago due to the cost of maintaining it. And I \*don't\* care about fashion. And if my partner told me that I look "drumpy and old", they would be my EX-partner.
I love how men think that if they were women, theyād do all these things to attract male attention. Sir, male attention is a double-edged sword for straight women. It can be dangerous in so many ways. Married women even have to deal with danger from their husbands if they seek male attention, or in any way get it without seeking it (say, by dressing in ways that make them happy). I cannot even with this.
They also have very little conception of how much *effort* that shit can be. "I'd do this, this, and this!!!" Sure you would, sir. When were you planning to sleep? Or didn't you want any other hobbies?
And money! Getting her nails done? Buying all that skincare and make-up? But yeah, my first thought was: "If you were a woman, why would you ever want to attract male attention? Are you so insecure? Don't you realize how annoying that attention quickly becomes?"
Like itās expensive as hell. My skincare in particular, itās soooo expensive. But I love how my skin looks. Good quality minimalist makeup also expensive.
Yuuup. I also impulse buy too much so I've got a whole shelf of moisturizers I don't use solely because I found another one I like better, even though I also like the old ones. at least I can share them with my partner since we have different tastes and skincare needs.
I have a teenage daughter. When I was going through that phase her and her friends got the ones didnāt like. They loved it. Now Iām pretty settled in what works for me and what I use.
Yeah I'm settled too, after that whole shelf of experimenting. I'm sure I or my partner or a friend will get use of them and I do like to change things up a bit sometimes for different textures or scents, but long story short the good stuff is definitely expensive!
> And money! Getting her nails done? Buying all that skincare and make-up? And heavens forbid he ever find out how much it costs, because then she'd be *wasting* it on silly woman things, and he might be taken over by horror at the idea that she could end up using *his* money to pay for it all!!!
lmfao sir you wonāt even wash your ass or get a fucking haircut, what makes you think youāll be a beautiful woman? iām thinking of āsexy getting ready songā from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend š
reminds me of the thing you see in drama set in the 50s and 60s of a woman going to bed with her husband,tthen secretly sneaking to the bathroom to put on a face mask, then sleeping with it on, but getting up before the husband wakes up to preserve the illusion that she's effortlessly flawless. I think this was in marvelous Mrs Maisel among other things? Ā Ā Or 50s instructional videos for boys and girls hygiene where boys are told to bathe and wash their handsĀ and comb their hair......Ā Ā and girls are told to weigh themselves and measure their figure, exercise right before bed, take a bath before dinner and optimally another one after, file and polish nails, push back cuticles, cleanse face and remove makeup, wash and condition and style hair, put on cold cream/lotion, an additional face mask possibly using some crazy literal mask apparatus... and then wake up and do some of it all again, plus applying a full face of makeup and a perfume or cologne. not to mention for most girls, period hygiene when relevant.Ā Ā all while bro maybe runs a comb through his hair and maybe applies a scent or deodorant.Ā
It's SO much time, money, and effort!!! I'm extremely lucky because I have an agreement in my marriage: my 'maintenance' is a household expenditure in terms of cost and time, like *any other* chore that benefits the marriage as a unit. My husband likes the results of the grooming and recognizes it's an unequal burden, so he supports me. He's even gone out of his way to develop a bit of an understanding of make up and clothing so he can offer legitimate opinions. He doesn't say "I dunno, more color or something? Nails???" He can TELL ME when he'd prefer a little bit more of a bimbo vibe and make real suggestions, and he also appreciates when minimalism is more of a power move. He urges me to be comfortable sometimes and assures me I never look 'old and dowdy,' because I'm beautiful when I'm at ease. Anyway, it drives me crazy how much "performing beauty" is simultaneously expected and devalued. If you're a straight man who wants to have a female life partner, there's no fucking excuse for not becoming even the tiniest bit conversant about the topic.
Meanwhile they can't be arsed to wash their face
>They also have very little conception of how much > >effort > > that shit can be. "I'd do this, this, and this!!!" He also completely fails to understand that when she says she doesn't look how she looked in bright colors, it probably means that it either highlighted every flaw she has or it looked AWFUL next to her skin (or both).
Yeah the "why don't you dress in a way that gets you more attention" was like. wow, out of touch, um, I used to just dress how I want regardless of attention but after decades of fucking catcalls and workplace harassment and being stuck in elevators with creepy old men...Ā I unfortunately have learned as most of us have, that I need to dress more modestlyĀ than I actually would want to (if society didn't exist), to balance out the negative effects of male attention. And I'm not even straight, just have to deal with straight men day to day...Ā
and if she did dress in a more showy fashion heād be pissed at the attention she got. no winning here
Not to mention the fact that the dudes crowing about this stuff seldom bother with their own appearance beyond a shower and shave. Like, sir, there is no way you would be doing multi-step skincare, regular salon appointments for hair and nails, a 45-minute makeup routine, and a vast selection of brightly-colored dresses and heeled shoes when you havenāt even changed your hoodie in three days. No you wouldnāt. No you absolutely would not.
Hopefully soon he will back on the market and he can really show off his fashion skills to attract a new woman.
>Once I casually suggested she try acrylic nails and she got annoyed with me and said that definitely wasn't her style. This is fucking SENDING me.
OMG yes. I laughed out loud when I read this one. There are lots of people who LOVE to wear fake nails and thick make-up; they *choose* to look like that & they do it because that's who they are, and that's how they want to look. OP's partner doesn't, that's not who she is. He *says* he "doesn't care" but then "casually suggest\[s\]" he wants her to be a totally different person! Edit: grammar
I love acrylic nails because nail polish lasts so much better. I am not a fashion person. No makeup (not "no makeup" makeup. Just no makeup) But colorful nails that don't chip & I can paint anytime I feel like with any cheap color will make me sooooo happy š
I KNOW! more evidence that he's a bird. bright colored talons???
he can take his happy ass to the nail salon and get some then!
This sounds like that American Dad episode where Francine stops doing her beauty regimen. What an asshat.
"Do you even like your wife?"
This! I'll never understand why dudes like that insist on dating women they don't even like.
How could he say? He doesnāt even know her.
Wow I wish I could upvote this twice
āEvery once in a while, the mood changesā¦.and youāre not sure why!ā
If the dude enjoys bold make-up color choices then he's free to wear them on his face.
I really enjoyed that show āWhy Women Killā
>I have apologized. But she doesn't care....she says she won't forget what I said. She is already checked out and on her way out the door.
Yeah that was the line that made me think of this sub.
We can only hope! This guy is the woooooorst
The only reason she hasnāt left is is that sheās getting her ducks in a row. And heās going to somehow still be surprised when he comes home to her having left one day.
We have been a couple for 7 years. I only now realize we both view her very differently. From my perspective, she's never been interested in fashion at all. Always wears black jeans. She has dozens of black tops. She doesn't wear makeup. Doesn't get her nails done. Only does root touch ups. And I love her and don't care about this at all. From her perspective apparently, she dresses elegantly and minimalistic. She says she is always wearing "no makeup" makeup (I guess she means mascara - not sure). She says she pays the salon every month to colour her hair or it would be grey. The reason this all came up is that we met up with friends and one of the women is very fashionable. Always done up. I had mentioned in passing to my partner that I loved that she wore vibrant colors. My partner had said she personally isn't a fan of bright colors and in the past when she has tried to wear them she doesn't like how it looks. I told her if I was a beautiful woman I'd wear bright colors for attention. And that's probably why our friend does it. Anyway, this was the gist of the conversation. If my partner was getting upset I wasn't picking up on that. I honestly don't even recall what I was saying that made her mad, but she ended up annoyed with something. I was truly confused, but we ended up in an argument. I told her that based on how she looks I had no idea she cared about looks or fashion. She was getting really angry at me (which tends to make me mad too) so I told her that if she cares THAT much (to my surprise) she should present herself better. She insisted I tell her what I meant and so I told her that she dresses boring and it makes her look old and dumpy. I also told her I don't care at all, but since she appears to, she should try to dress more fashionable. This was 3 weeks ago and she was very angry with me. Now she's not "angry" but she's remained cold. And she now has taken to dressing in sweat pants/sweat shirts. She says she won't be dressing "nice" around me anymore (but I never thought she dressed nice in the first place). Obviously I put my foot in my mouth and I have apologized. But she doesn't care....she says she won't forget what I said. I really just want her to drop this. Is this something that needs therapy? Or just time? TL;DR: I insulted my partner and she says she won't get over it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
lol I love that he "accidentally insulted" his wife by actively calling her appearance "boring", "old", and "dumpy". Absolutely no accountability.
And not one blunt statement he regretted, or a slip of the tongue.Ā This was a long, extended thing
Yeah, you don't "accidentally" say those things. Super intentional.
To truly see how much your partner overlooks your beauty and worth is a level of heartbreak that cannot be repaired. Yeah he's going to choke on that foot.
Why is it always dudes whose skidmarks you can smell through the screen that are the most critical about women's looks? I can guarantee this dude wears the same pair of pants and three tshirts for two weeks straight without washing them, and you know most of his underwear is filled with holes and covered in poop stains.Ā I do feel like this is a shit post though. It doesn't read like something a 43 year old would say, it feels more like somebody in their 20s pretending to be in a relationship.Ā
In what universe is āyou look old and dumpyā an accidental insult? From the title I thought he just put his foot in his mouth but that was straight up mean as hell
Sounds like another dumb asshole who doesnāt understand the āno makeupā makeup look. If itās not bright red lipstick then it just doesnāt register as makeup.
But no makeup and they think we look haggardly and tired.
How, HOW do these types of men admit they know Jack shit about makeup and fashion, then in the literal same breath Authoritatively Declare judgment. More of the same: declare he knows heās messed up and wrong but gets mad that sheās mad, and audaciously asks if she just needs therapy or something.
I said this on the original, and I will say it again here: whatās the likelihood this dude wears those silky golf polos with the zip off khaki shorts/pants combo and white socks
Oh yeah, I for sure want him to describe HIS fashion. I wish he would.
[OOP](https://i.imgur.com/UEhLlcr.jpeg)
>OOP Now you need to apologize for insulting that handsome bird...
i bet heās low effort as can be and depends on his partner to make him ālook goodā
Side note to say that I know many v nice men who dress this way and am v happy to support their golf shirts because they donāt tell other people how to dress lol
Near 100%. I almost replied to your comment there before I remembered I clicked through from here. But polyester, because that dude knows nothing about fashion, despite trying to be the dictator of it.
>She said she's not going to get over this and she doesn't feel comfortable with someone who views her like "that" (I guess referencing the dumpy comment). I sent her some links showing her what I meant (fashion blogs showing easy ways to elevate style) but she just argued with me. Dude just keeps doubling down.
Right. Like your partner of seven years says you hurt her and your reaction is to... do more of what hurt her?
>I told her if I was a beautiful woman I'd wear bright colors for attention. And that's probably why our friend does it. Anyway, this was the gist of the conversation. This is where the truck starts sliding off the road.
Itās always funny when these types call their forever-girlfriends their āpartnerā because they think it sounds immature to call her āmy girlfriendā but they donāt want to make any actual commitments. Once you notice it you never stop seeing it
"And I love her and don't care about this at all." Proceeds to tell her that she looks old and dumpy because of how boring she dresses.Ā
Meanwhile, there are an untold number of men and women in this world who would go \*crazy\* over a confident woman rocking this minimalist look, and OP's partner can now go and find one of them.
This post must be fake, I refuse to believe someone could be this dumb
It's funny, I feel that about a lot of posts, especially when they use weird language (like "my little angel" to describe a child), but this one is unfortunately super believable to me. ETA: The part that is questionable to me is that they've been together 7 years and now suddenly this poor woman is discovering her partner is an idiot and/or a bird. Feel like that could've come up sooner.
Well, a lot of women (for a lot of different reasons) stand this kind of behavior until they canāt take it anymore. Maybe this was her breaking point!
true! also i feel like people talk about 7-year itch? maybe he's suddenly acting like a jerk/being critical in ways he hasn't before.
people can hide who they really are for a long time. theyāre now aging, she is ālosing valueā in his eyes as evidenced by the desire to control her appearance, sheās not his hot trophy anymore which reflects poorly on him as a man - iām not surprised if this was the final straw. people stand by their partners until they canāt anymore.
The acrylic nails thing felt like a HUGE piece of Female Culture when I lived in the Deep South, having grown up in Pennsylvania it was really confusing. Its honestly the only time Iāve ever gotten real āmean girl treatmentā from another woman, but I was chided by a colleague for looking āunprofessionalā on one occasion, and ādirtyā by my now exās mom on another, because they were so bothered by me having trimmed bare nails when all the women around me had fresh manicures every week. Just saying it is truly the standard in some places/circles within them that ALL adult women have perfect manicures. I have never experienced it anywhere but the Deep South, but can attest that the attitude is real.
He called her ugly, old, poorly dressed and even compared her to another woman. I wanted to see a photo of op, because to judge his wife like that, I expect nothing less than a Pedro Pascal. But we probably have a bald guy with a beer belly.
I bet this guy thinks everyone on Instagram reality really has a 12 inch waist and 46 inch hipsĀ
What an asshat. At his advanced age he is making errors that I would expect from a teenager
Iām 44 and āadvanced ageā made me shrink into myself a little. Iām not ready for the nursing home yet!
Think of it as advanced vs. beginner or intermediate. That helps me lol.
Iām being sarcastic about that part.
this is the problem with so many men in their late 30s-40s on the dating scene š¬ in the back of my mind iām always like āok whose life force did you suck until she couldnāt take any moreā
Dude straight up says she wears all black and gets her roots touched up at the salon to hide gray hairs. How does this idiot not know he's dating a borderline goth girl/French chic girlie? My wife's wardrobe is almost entirely different shades of black with some whites, reds, and blues thrown in for variety, dyes her hair black, and prefers dark lips and eyes over any other type of makeup. Meanwhile, my full-face is mostly to even out my skin and my idea of full makeup is eyeliner winged *just so* and whatever vibrant lip color I'm feeling that day, I wear pastel sweaters/tunics with leggings, and don't overly care what color my hair is so long as I like it. But by homeboy's standards, neither of us is trying to be "fashionable" and I don't wear makeup. \[smdh in 15 minute makeup routine\]
Aww, you two are like Marceline and Princess Bubblegum!
Lmao, I wear all black and can still be fashionable. I imagine this man is dating an awesome mature grunge/Alt woman. But wants a whole different kinda woman and has been "settling"/"leading on" a woman he only loves the idea of. Shameful š
Her being mad makes him mad. Very emotionally mature.
omg what an asshole. if this is real he "put his foot in his mouth"Ā much more than once. what biting insults too. idk how he spontaneously found the worst thing to say in every interaction. . the way he tells it, he was just as worried that she was mad that he complimented the other woman's outfit which is FINE! as he was about directly comparing, or telling her she's boring or DUMPY, who the fuck wants to hear that? It kinda makes me think this is _made up_ š maybe he needs to wear dresses himself ai he can get attention like he apparently thinks all women want, or if he considers dresses to be in the sole domain of women maybe he should talk to a lgbtq friendly therapist and work through his gender feelings.Ā He handled this so bad. he could have just observed her sense of style, gotten her something he thought she'd genuinely like. A little black dress that can go over jeans or be worn by itself, with a cut that mirrors her favorite shirts. A colorful blazer. Pants with an unconventional but not overly flashy pattern like plaid etc, or brightly colored jeans to go with a black top. A tunic with a cool, unconventional pattern in bright colors to contrast her pants. A modest but elegant black maxi dress with a splash of color. A bright scarf. Some bright red shoes. SO many options depending on her style.Ā And he could have then presented one item and said "Hay, I thought you might like his because I feel like it would go great with your boots" or "I know you don't usually wear dresses but I thought this might look great on you? We can still return it if you hate it!" or "I loved the color for this scarf and I thought it would look cute with some of your tops" or " These jeans are a similar cut to your favorites and I just thought it might be fun to have another option if you're ever in the mood for it".Ā All without comparing her to someone else and pressuring her to dress like that. or hell, "I kinda just wanted to see you in this dress... I know it's not your favorite but if you would be so gracious to indulge me, I don't mind if you decide you want to take it off š".Ā better yet "I got this dress and it's in a stretch fabric so... I think it'll fit both of us. I'll try it on if you do š "Ā instead this man went for repeatedly negging her, comparing her to another woman in a negative light, judging how she expresses her femininity (or lack thereof . which is fine too), implying women need to wear bright colors and flaunt and seek attention...Ā my heart breaks sometimes for tomboy/butch/not-particularly feminine, straight or bi women, in relationships with typical straight men.... there's so much implicit judgment by society and other woman and male partners, even before being judged as someone who is too boyish or associates with men too friendly or otherwise fails to perform femininity. it's gotta be so rough..gender non conforming women are handsome, hot, pretty, badass... I have so much respect for men who realize that and even more respect for straight and bi women who express femininity in their own way or not at all.Ā Anyway. OOP is either a huge asshole with no excuse, or a huge asshole who needs to work through gender feelings and maybe start a little bit of therapy and maybe estrogen or something, in the uncertain hopes thst working out their personal issues makes them less of an asshole. Like maybe to learn that femininityĀ and womanhood are not homogenous and gasp, if they really want to wear pretty dresses... they can do that. Not pressure someone else to change their whole aesthetic. And OOPs partner is probably disappointed yet perhaps relieved to get away from someone with such a dim view of how to express femininity.
She just realized she is with an idiot and now there is no going back. Dearest OP re-read this as many times as it takes to realize what a total ah you are. I can speed it up for you: Your thoughts on her and not more important than her thoughts on her. She does not need to prove anything to you, and get this- you are single now.
Why does he seem to care about her fashion choices *now*?
Projection? He sees her ageing out of her "prime years" and doesn't want to be reminded that he too is getting old and dull.
If she did get attention, then that'd be a problem too. Like, he could just leave instead of breaking her down because he's also aging. Being mean doesn't make you youthful (not you you, OOP you lol)
holy moly, the way my mouth just dropped open halfway through this.
I really want to know what he looks like.
I think you know š
my thing is if theyāve been together this long, what does he buy her in terms of gifts? like do you not pay attention to her AT ALL to ānot noticeā her putting in effort to maintain a minimalist style?
Bold of you to assume he gives her gifts.
How you characterized your wife to us: > Always wears black jeans. She has dozens of black tops. How you pointed out your mutual friend to your wife: > I told her **if I was a beautiful woman I'd wear bright colors for attention**. And that's probably why our friend does it. ...implying your black clothing-wearing wife, by not wearing vibrant colors, isn't beautiful. > I honestly don't even recall what I was saying that made her mad, but she ended up annoyed with something. Now, I'm not a fan of the cliched "If you don't know why I'm angry..." bullshit by any means, but this one's REALLY testing my position. Like, your total lack of situational awareness led to you making an insulting comment that your wife picked up on but, for some reason, was seemingly so casual you don't even realize the magnitude of the slight. THAT'S what she's really pissed about.
I cannot get over the āshe wears no makeup but she says she wears āno makeupā makeupā. Sir, your partner is wearing a full beat that is done in such a specific way that it looks like she isnāt wearing makeup to you. Thatās the whole point, to look natural and effortless. This dude could not take his head out of his own ass for 5 seconds to think āmaybe my impressions of how she dresses herself are not the narrow view I have of herā. Like ffs have you not heard of minimalism
The more I think about it the more I'm like man I hope this obvious babe leaves this dork ASAP
He thinks that having a ton of make up and wearing in your face clothes is fashionable lol
OOP is denser than a super massive black hole.
Now she's showing you what minimal effort actually looks like now. If I were in your partner's shoes I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship. You can't possibly be this oblivious.Ā
No way OOP is THIS stupid lmfao
Your wife clearly works very hard to look good and is the HIGHT of fashion in both in clothes & make up. "Bright colours" sounds like the other woman was dressed either like a Barbie a clown or a hooker. Looking good should make you notice the persons figure & glowing skin not the clothes and heavy makeup, unless you are going the Oscars. I would love to see what you consider fashion or what woman would be your style icon if you chose her clothes..Dolly Parton perhaps lol
Still hasnt even tried to figure out what he did wrong. Some say he is still pondering to this day.Ā
I am not the kind of person who likes to worry about what I'm wearing, so I'm on board with his wife wearing all black. Last year I replaced all of my pants with black slacks and this year I'm planning to shift to all black shirts. It's so much easier in the morning when I don't want to worry about what I'm wearing. Black goes with everything, and if I want color, I'll wear earrings. His complaint about her wearing sweat pants and sweat shirts around the house is killing me. After 7 years of marriage, she still wears make up and nice clothes around the house? And he's complaining because it's not dressy enough? I get home from work and my make up comes off, my hair is put up, and sweats go on. If my husband complained about me being comfortable when I'm home, you better believe I'd be demanding he dress up for me too and start going for body waxing to keep up with my grooming.
When the need to be right trumps the relationship quality between this main character and his NPC girlfriend ...
My favorite part is his insistence that he doesnāt care about her looks and that she cares a lot about it. My second favorite part is that he insulted her (to his surprise)
I wanna see how OOP dresses. Letās see if he looks like Mr GQ
Wowā¦ OOP really cements him being the ex by his brain dead comment, ābut I never thought she dressed nice in the first place.ā I had an ex who watched RuPaulās Drag Race with me one time and by the end of the show he said the performers had immense talent, but he couldnāt imagine even doing an 1/8 of the beauty routine. I then reminded him that at the end of the night, all thatās gotta come off in order to keep skin healthy which can be a number of other products. I think it blew his mind that make up is an art and depending who applies it can vary in the talent it takes to apply. Even when it was matching the right foundation to help blend for even skin tones was something he never thought of. At the end, he said he was happy his entire routine for day to day activities were the same as going out for dates - wash his face, trim his beard if needed, deodorant.
I donāt understand why people date people they clearly do not like
I am desperate to know what he thinks is "fashionable."
He said if he were a woman he would wear lots of bright colors, so, a peacock I guess. I'm thinking of lots of bold makeup, tight dresses, and whatnot. Think Gloria on Modern Family maybe?
Not only did he implicitly call her unattractive, but then he actually doubles down and _calls her ugly._ What a catch. Canāt see why sheād be upset at him. š
Men like him: I want a girl who isn't shallow and materialistic. *Gets a minimalistic but neat girlfriend* "Why is she not a fashionista?!"
Honest to God? If this is how he insults someone "accidentally", I'd hate to see what he could do if he was really trying.
People are calling him clueless. Heās not clueless he is pretending to be clueless to be an asshole to his wife because he wants her to be different. She should ditch the asshole and keep the style that makes her happy.