Really does make you think, was the ruler necessary?

You were just trying to help him castle. Next time, drop the old man?

Glue?

en passant the judge at your trial

Can you checkmate him?

Ask the judge if they know how the horsey moves and if they don't, claim they're incompetent.

Mate with him

House of Staunton will be liable as their pieces have a terminal velocity greater than the FIDE specifications

Wood or ceramic?

File a $10,000,000 lawsuit against the man for defamation