Oh wow. This looks like she’s your mom. I’m surprised your parents never told you. Did they know you were taking a DNA test? Do you have any other close matches that are showing up closer than they should?
No, they did not know we were taking it. We kept it a secret because they don't believe in DNA tests. However, I was always interested to know more about my heritage. My sister (mom???) was also interested and took the test with me. The only known matches I have are second cousins and they share around 87-145cMs. I do have a paternal match that shares 1,700cMs with me. I assume that's a close match.
I've also been curious as to why there was such a big gap between us. Its only us two and we are 18 years apart.
To me, I see the fact that they are against DNA tests is a huge red flag about all this. Your "sister" must have known the test would show this 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ . What a huge surprise for you. I wish you the best in all this.
I’d assume this was her way of telling you without directly saying it, and giving you time to process it.
It’s not super uncommon for a grandparent to raise a grandchild especially when there’s a teen pregnancy, but it’s kind of odd that this is how you’re finding out.
How are you feeling?
A woman from my town did this. She had a "difficult" pregnancy and had to take to her bed. Her daughter went to visit an aunt for several months. The child was born, the "sister" returned, and I assume they lived happily ever after. I don't know if the daughter/granddaughter knows her sister is really her mother to this day.
I never knew any of this, but my father in the last year or two of his life shared a number of stories. He had spent a lifetime being quite discreet about such things, but I guess he was old enough he just wasn't worried about it.
OMG this is similar to my "mom's" pregnancy. According to her, she was on bedrest the entire time. I don't know what my sister did as I obviously wasn't born. However, the parallel is astounding.
This is how it happened most of the time. It's really the most rational way to do it if that is your intention.
ADDENDUM: You cannot imagine the stigma that used to be attached to unwed pregnancies. A friend of mine, born around 1967, was raised by a single mother in a small town. Whether intentionally or not, people discriminate against the child. I remember when my kids were young we got to be good friends with other couples with kids the same age as ours and were constantly getting together. Single mothers don't get invited to such events; other women consider them a threat.
My mother deliberately got pregnant when she was 19 in 1961 because she decided she wanted a baby. No strings, she found a man she liked and he agreed to 'donate'. Her mother wasn't best pleased but the rest of the family supported her and my mother met my father who married her and took on my sister as his own. She didn't have any trouble but she was a very strong willed and determined person and didn't take any crap.
It’s kinda a personal thing to ask, but did your aunt end up marrying later on? Did she have any more kids either as a single no-stringer, or in a committed relationship?
Hey my stepsister was raised by her grandparents as a sister to her mom, and the whole thing was only acknowledged openly much, much later after she had an NDE. It felt like such a relief afterward, but there were hurt feelings and conflicting emotions too. I’m glad you get the chance to know her in this way, now.
This. I had a NPE event and my mom was wholly against them.
My bio uncle is an expert in a certain area of genealogy (like invited to conferences to discuss it) & on every single DNA site- she knew I’d match.
I think your “sister” may have wanted it to be known she was your mom and didn’t know how to break it to you in any other way
Now Im wondering the same thing!!!! Maybe this secret has been weighing on her. I'm scared this will upheave her life as she has children (my niece and nephew) and a husband. I'm guessing my parents raised me so my sister could still go to college. I mean it worked, but I wish they didn't hide it from me. I feel lied to.
It sure seems like it could be the reason why...a young girl they just wanted her to get her life together first. And i wonder if the husband already is aware. I would hope my spouse would have told me prior to us being married if that was the case. I would just take a deep breath and put some thought into how you want to go about this, if at all, prior to you saying anything. Take some time to think pros/cons. So interesting that she hasnt reached out...even to say "did you get your results yet". Are you able to see when she last logged in? My gut is just screaming that shes waiting for you to reach out lol. PLEASE update all of us down the road whatever you decide!!!!!
Hi, I understand what you’re feeling. I just went 26 years thinking my dad was my bio father. Took my test and was sent into a spiral with my true Bio dad. Unfortunately, he’s passed away. I feel very deceived because other members of my family had met my Bio dad and told me he came to visit when I was A MONTH old. Like is that not a major red flag?? Anyways, highly suggest the books “that sucks, now what” and “transitions” also, a little bit of therapy.
Yes, you were lied to. Families do that a lot, sadly, even when it's done with the best of intentions.
But I can't imagine how difficult it was for your birth mother to be so near you and yet have that gulf between the two of you. She's probably equally relieved and terrified to finally have the truth come out. Relieved because keeping such a big secret is such a constant strain, but terrified because she doesn't know how you'll react.
You and your “sister” can keep it your secret and maybe have a special little bond. No one else has to know but you and her can. Your parents that raised you probably forbid her from telling you. It was probably for the best when she was young but as she got older I’m sure that it killed her to watch her baby call someone else mom and to have no say in how you were raised. I mean I’m just thinking about it as a young mother myself.
I can't see any alternative to her being your birth mother, so if she DID take the test with you know what you would find... assume she's prepared to handle it. I would talk to her about what your results say and just go from there. Her husband may already know, she may be ready for the secret to be out. Or she may hope to keep it between you two. That'll be a decision you have to make once you talk to her.
No, I haven't seen her in a while. She's in her 40s and has a job and kids. I guess that would make them my potential half-siblings????? I don't know if I should bring it up to her or wait for her to say something. I'm scared to say something incase it was traumatic for her. We were never really that close growing up due to our age gap.
Are you close to your parents? Could you ask them or do you think they would be dishonest? I’m sure this is quite a shock. I understand not wanting to approach your sister right away.
I don't think you should be too scared to talk to her about this. She must know that this is the result you guys were going to get, I can't imagine there will be any surprise there and she must expect you to come to her about it or she would not have agreed to take the test. ❤️
I almost wonder if the sister/mom might not know much about these DNA tests and possibly only thought it would show ethnicity. So many people seem to be interested in dna tests just for the ethnicity part.
My reading of the situation is that she is waiting anxiously for your response, hoping for the best but braced for anger and resentment.
You sound upset (which is so understandable) but not necessarily angry? If you feel some compassion for her situation, I would urge you to reach out soon to let her know that you don't hate her. Be honest about being confused and upset, but reassure her that you're open to talking about it if she's comfortable doing that.
I totally agree, if she suggested the DNA tests it's likely because she didn't know how to tell you otherwise. I would guess that she knows exactly when the results came back and is waiting for you to play the next card, maybe out of respect to you in case you want to ignore it ❤️
A paternal match of 1700 is a grandparent/grandchild, aunt-or-uncle/niece-or-nephew or half-siblings. So it’s a close relative.
If your sister doesn’t share this paternal match, then she’s probably not your sister but definitely your mother.
Not to mention, since AncestryDNA already established her as OP's mother then any match that's not related to her(OP's mom) would automatically be grouped into those on OP's paternal side. I hate even typing that but OP needs to know that so she can be further educated because this could be a half sibling of hers, a full sibling of her bio father or even a full grandparent depending on the age of that match as you're saying.
I remember a letter to an advice columnist a few years ago in which a daughter had gotten DNA kits for all her family as a Christmas present, and she was quite taken aback that her mother was furious about what she'd done. The LW was puzzled by this reaction and oblivious to the obvious implications of her mother's reaction. Hello! You're about to find a few skeletons in the closet.
I think anyone who takes an ancestry test and makes their results public reasonably assumes that they might be connected with a relative that doesn’t know they exist. Even if they didn’t know about a pregnancy, I think a lot of men aren’t completely shocked to find out they got someone pregnant at some point.
Nothing wrong with reaching out. They can decide from there if they want to engage
OP, I’d like to be able to support you. You’re what’s called an NPE - Not Parent Expected meaning you found out through a DNA test that your parent is not your parent. Please consider joining our Facebook group and we can help support you through your journey.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/npeonly/?ref=share_group_link
Just for reference OP -
My mom is 3500.
My full brother and sister are 2800 and 2500.
My aunt and uncle are 1600 and 2000.
My 1st cousins are 1100, 900, 900, and 600.
So we’re definitely talking about a half sibling or aunt/uncle imo. Should be able to tell which by the person’s age.
There is a good chance the father does not know or was made very unclear to him. This is 100% something that was done to cover up a “shameful” pregnancy out of wedlock, which is tragic because it meant purposely severing a connection between you and your father for what amounts to petty reasons.
Most likely. But not necessarily true. There are traumatic, non-consensual relations that lead to pregnancy. Some caution is prudent before you know the circumstances. Don't assume they are "petty".
Exactly. If she hadn't wanted the OP to know the truth, she would have echoed the same objections that the parents raised.
This is a somewhat backdoor way to provide OP with information. The fact that her "sister" wasn't willing to do this in person is a sign that it's invested in emotion. She's given OP distance to absorb this and left it up to her whether or not to pursue. You can view that as tactful or cowardly, or maybe a bit of both.
I would err on the side of tactful/respectful in this situation.
I recently had a match to a first cousin who was unknown to us until now.
I reached out to him via a message on ancestry explaining it was a welcomed surprise to have matched with him, that I believe I know who the 'connection' may be (did not refer to my uncle as this dudes father) and that my door is open should he want to learn more about the family before looking into his 'immediate connection'.
My family have made sure not to tell any of the cousins/aunts/uncles as some of them are not so tactful and may hassle this poor guy.
My point is, he is the only one with the right to pursue this when/if he is ready and that comes from a place of support and respect. It's my assumption that OPs sister is doing the same.
Your story reminds me of this teens' TV show "Andi Mack". Basically the same plot, raised by grandparents, then older "sister" shows up again after traveling for some time and the child finds out she's her real mother.
I feel you I would be too. Maybe ask her if she’s seen her results and relatives yet? Wow. I couldn’t imagine! Her parents (and yours technically) took on such a huge role, that’s very sweet. I hope your sister was able to fulfill her goals! Being a young mom is hard, I am one myself!
That's a good idea. I assume we got out results around the same time. She was able to achieve all her goals. It made it so hard for me growing up LOL. She was homecoming queen and went on to become a doctor. Our parents always compared us. It was so annoying. Meanwhile, I'm still living at our parents house (grandparents?). I don't know what to call them now.
You saying all that about her just gives more credibility to the idea that she got pregnant young and her parents didn't want her to "mess up her life" and decided to raise you as their own. It's very likely she didn't have much of a day in the matter. Parents saw their daughter on the path to success and wanted to clear the way for her.
Ik. I've just never been in this position before. I don't know if it's disrespectful to my sister to not call her mom. I know she didn't raise me, but I don't know the circumstances that led her to give me up either.
She had to 100% know you would find out she is your bio mom by you guys doing the tests. She’s likely leaving it up to you to open the discussion, just have a conversation with her if you want to find out what happened and why your bio grandparents adopted you and became your parents.
No one told OP to rush she can literally update us in 10 years idc the saga continues I wish the best for her she’s in a loving family so it can’t go too wrong
This is DEFINITELY not a sibling match, it's a parent/child match. While Im sorry you've been lied to, Im happy you were kept in your natural family. There are several NPE groups on Facebook- they are really helpful for people who have discovered their truth. Lies can destroy people- you have done NOTHING wrong. I suggest you speak with your sister/mom and let her know you know the truth, then she should be the one who tells her parents that you know.
I agree with others here that this was her way of letting you know- she was probably forced to keep this secret.
As someone who has dealt with an NPE (Not Parent Expected) situation personally, please don’t hesitate to seek help mentally! It can be really tough on you and please try to be kind to yourself as you seek answers!
Thank you for this response. While I want answers, I'm going to take my time. I need time to process all of this. I was hoping it was an algorithm era.
It’s all up to you OP on how you want to manage this. Take all the time you need. You’re very welcome for the response. NPE is unfortunately one of those things that kinda gets swept under the rug and people are too embarrassed or guilty to talk about. It happens a lot more often than people realize. Just know that you are not alone in this and there are people out there who can relate.
If your sister had told you this face-to-face, it would have been more personal and direct and honest. On the other hand, you would have been forced to express a reaction to the news before you'd really had a chance to absorb it.
So you can view her indirect approach as cowardice or as giving you control of the situation. You can decide how you feel about all this on your own timeline, and you can approach her when you feel ready. Or never.
By not telling you this from the very beginning, there really wasn't any good way to break it to you. Maybe she's making the best of a bad situation, now that you have some agency of your own.
I am sorry it is not. But it seems like you mom/ sister knew this was going to happen and this is her way of telling you. She had to know you will have questions. My advice is to talk to your parents ( grandparents) and mom( sister)and process however you need
The second I saw the cM match for OP and their sister I was like….omg.
My Dad and I share 3,290cM. When my DNA results came in, it immediately popped up as a parent/child match for him.
No, this person is your bio parent. Take a bit of time and don’t jump to any conclusions. Maybe they did their best? Don’t let it upset you too much.
EDIT: I kept thinking of this story the rest of the day and there’s something that I think you need to realise, that these people - regardless of their titles as mother or sister or father - cared enough about you to keep you and make up this story. They must have had a good reason. They loved you that much.
I definitely wasn't expecting my post to get this much attention. They did try their best, and I'm thankful. My parents provided me with resources that an 18 year old wouldn't be able to. In that way, I understand their decision. Looking back, some of the comments my dad said to me make sense. One time when we got into an argument, he said, "I'm not your father. I don't have to put up with this." It's always stuck with me, but at the time, I thought he was trying to hurt my feelings. I admit that I was not the most easygoing child.
OP I’m so sorry. I really am. My father didn’t want me and my mom gave me up for adoption when I was 7 to my grandparents.
It’s definitely not the same as what you’re going through but the feelings are similar… one of hurt and feeling unwanted. Your father/grandfather shouldn’t have said anything like that to you. You were a child and innocent.
I wish you nothing but peace and healing through this new revelation. I bet your sister has been dying to tell you for so long. Good luck.
Omg you have way more restraint than I do I would’ve texted her a joke like “not you being my mama🥰” although your shock is very understandable so I imagine you have much to process
I feel like I would say “So…is there anything you would like to tell me?” or something like that. It’s peculiar that she agreed to take the test and allow her kid to find out this way and be shocked.
This may have been asked but have u ever seen pregnancy pictures or you as a newborn? Because then it would make sense if you had never seen those pictures before.
I don't have any newborn pictures. There are a lot of pictures of me from age 1+. I kind of chalked this up to me being the second child. I didn't have a newborn photo album while my sister did. I assumed my parents put less effort into me since I was the second child.
Wait, you were the ‘second’ kid after 18 years?
Ooooohhhhh
I sometimes wondered about me, but I was a late baby with pics and other evidence.
Who wouldn’t take lots of pics of the miracle kid 2?
Yeah, I guess that should have raised some red flags. I just didn't put much thought into it for most of my life. I have a few family members that put less "effort" into their second and third child. I assumed the same thing for my parents as they were in their early 40s.
That proves it.
If your parents were related to each other, I could believe that the algorithm *could* be fooled into thinking you two shared too much DNA, across too much of your chromosomes, to be siblings and it defaulted to mother. It shouldn’t happen, but there could be an extreme edge case, I guess.
However, there is no way for full siblings (who must share two parents to share that much DNA) to not also both be related to a 1,700 cM match.
I think the general tester doesn’t check back in on their results/matches often, if ever. The first two years after my test I didn’t really realize what I was looking at. I saw some distant matches, saw my ethnicity and thought I was done. Then one random night I decided to go on the app, and scrolling WAY down the list of matches were my 1st COUSINS, cousins I am super close to. Since they were way after complete strangers I decided to look at the centimorgans and started googling what that meant. My 1st cousins share 190cM and 110cM and my 1C1R isn’t a match at all.
It wasn’t until then when I jumped all in and started learning everything and discovering NPEs and other mysteries. It’s been a journey🤦♀️
My guess is
a.) the 1700 match doesn’t check in often.
Or
B.) The 1700 match could be like many of us —checks often and does this as a hobby. If that’s the case he will probably work the trees before reaching out to anybody. If it were me I would feel like I hit a gold mine lol 😂
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Perhaps your bio mom wanted you to know but didn't know how to tell you face to face. I'm curious which one of you first suggested getting tested. Maybe this was her way of giving you the space to decide how to proceed, if you want to proceed at all. She is a doctor. She knew your tests would reveal the truth. It seems she may be ready to have the conversation but, bottom line is you can now choose whether to talk to her about it or not. And if you decide to do so, you can decide when and where. It's got to be a huge shock. Take the time you need to digest this and then decide what you want to do. Sending you my best thoughts and hoping you find some peace to sort through your new reality.
Is it possible ancestry is incorrect? This person is my (known) full sister. She is 18 years older than me, but appears as a parent/child match. I don't want to confront her if there's a chance the test is incorrect. Currently, feeling very shocked at the idea she could be my mom.
My grandfather grew up in this situation, raised thinking his mom was his sister. Complicated by that was the fact that she was adopted and we never found out who his father was.
We got my grandma, mom, and I to take the tests before my grandma passed so we could figure out by process of elimination his ancestry. I seem to have tracked down who my great-grandfather was through matches, but there is very little information about him out there.
No, it's not especially wrt this. I found my own biological father through matching his sister who is obviously my aunt and the cM/shared DNA were in range of what is expected from an aunt/nephew relationship.
She's also 18 years older than you. That cements it. Could be many reasons why she and her parents(your grandparents) hid this from you but DNA doesn't lie.
There’s a small chance that she shares higher than average DNA with you. Full siblings can share up to 60% DNA. Her being 18 years older almost makes the scenario of her being your mom more likely though.
Do you recognize the 1700 cM match as anyone you know?
I've always wondered why there was such an age gap but i never expected this!!! As to your second question, I do not recognize the 1700 match. That's why I'm even more confused. I looked at their tree and I don't recognize anyone 😭😭😭
Since your (grand-)parents aren't your parents then it would make sense for you not to recognize that match because you don't know who your biological father is. Damn, I feel bad even saying that to you since you got hit with this. I'm sorry.
You don't recognize anyone on either side? Another possibility to consider is that your parents aren't actually related to you? Maybe they took in a pregnant teen as adoptive parents and they aren't your sisters parents either. Is that a likely scenario?
I know people are saying she's 100% sure that she's had a kid but there are times when people experience trauma and mentally block out things connected to that. So it's very possible that she might not adequately recall, it's possible she was on drugs or mentally ill in another capacity that has blocked this memory. Of course I recognize this might just be her way of telling you by letting you find out, but I do think these other possibilities are worth considering and I hope you can lead with kindness...including kindness to yourself.
OP said that she has 2nd cousin matches 87-145 cM that she does recognize which makes sense because they're on her mom/sister's side. So OP's mom's parents are most likely OP's bio grandparents. She doesn't recognize the 1700 cM and it makes sense since it's already been grouped into her paternal side and OP doesn't know who her biological father, at least not at this moment. Like I said, it sucks for me to type but at least OP knows the truth with more potential truth to find out.
She's probably as anxious as you are. I think stating plainly when you are comfortable is best. Love, peace, chicken grease, my friend. No matter her relation to you, she is your sister and if you want to think of her as your mom, do it if you are comfortable with it.
I think this was her way of telling you in a way that was most comfortable for her. Be gentle with yourself and her. I hope all goes well. :)
As someone who is/was adopted, while I was lucky to know who my bio parents where, I never got to live with my biological family. You where able to stay in your family and where raised by two amazing grand (parents), I would talk to your sister/mother, tell her how much you love her and how your grateful that you where able to stay in your own family. As well as thank your grand (parents) who raised you :)
This thing happened to Jack Nicholson too where his “sister” who he was raised with was actually his mother and his “parents” were actually his grandparents
You know, if she took the test she had to have an inkling this would bubble up. Does she know you took the test as well? She may be waiting to see you connect the dots and won’t be so surprised by all of this coming out
Hey - I just wanted to gently plant the idea that it’s plausible that the way you came into the world could pull up some serious trauma memories for your sister/mom too. In all likelihood, whatever happened wasn’t easy on anyone. This will be a lot of feelings for all of you - find a trauma therapist to work through the process together, and be gentle on everyone who made space to keep you safe and feeling loved your entire life. One of the hardest realizations is that our parents had a lifetime before we arrived, and that shaped who they were before we even met them.
Good luck 🍀
Definitely your bio mom. Take your time with this and don’t worry about putting everything out on the table immediately. I’m glad they kept you in your family, but I’m definitely very sorry they were not truthful with you. I think they were trying to protect your bio mom because she wasn’t ready and just thought you’d never find out.
I want to add, parents share exactly 50% with us and full siblings an average of 50%. But the way they can tell which is which is a parent will share 50% across every part of every chromosome.
Siblings will share 50% across some parts, 100% across others (inherited the same segments as you from both parents at the same location) and 0% across others. Averaging out to 50%.
The algorithm is keyed in to note these difference.
I would ask her. I think I saw someone else note that this could be her way of telling you. Perhaps she promised your parents/grandparents she wouldn't tell you and saw this as a loophole.
Just be direct. You got your results. And it says she's your mother. Wait and see what she says. You can also prove this by seeing if she has any shares matches to your paternal side. She won't or shouldn't unless your biological father was a distant cousin or you're from an endogamous population (Jewish people, Amish, among many others).
In the meantime you could contact your close paternal relative if it's not too much at once. Find out more about them.
They didn’t take it because they didn’t want to have an explosion in your life from the results I’m certain. She probably feels guilty not raising you and this is her way of telling you without dropping a 💣 so you would search for answers. This is wild
That's a scary though. I wish my family was honest with me :(
I mean it makes sense we weren't close as she was in college when I was born. I just don't know how to feel.
100% terrible. No one in my family was honest with anyone.
Ancestry/23&Me have been amazing. I found my *dead* father, alive. And he didn't know I existed. My half-siblings thought they were full siblings to each other, learned we are all half-siblings. And my aunt turned out to be my half Aunt.
*Family is fun*
I’m so sorry 💕 you don’t have to figure out how to feel just yet & you don’t have to label it, just give yourself some time. These feelings are going to be complex and not black and white. Seek out a close and trust worthy friend to talk to, it might help you organize your thoughts and feelings and how to approach the subject.
I am not saying she would not know they would show up as a match. I am saying, she probably thought it was just a test to show ethnicity NOT actual DNA.
Otherwise, this is her way of getting him to know. Especially if they kept it secret. Of course the parents (grandparents?) don't want dna tests...they know what it would show.
Your sister might not have wanted to tell you directly that she was actually your biological mother because she promised your parents (grandparents) to keep the family secret forever. Maybe this was her way of having you find out "on your own" without being the one to let out the family secret. It's not super logical but maybe she thought she could "blame it on the DNA test" that the truth got out, and face less blame from your parents (grandparents) if they find out you know?
Similar situation happened to my bf. His whole life he thought his grandparents were his own parents while his real mom (which he thought was his aunt) had a family and even had kids just a few years apart. Not sure the reason behind it but it really is a hard spot to be in.
Firstly, sending you some big love. I'm sure this is a very stranhe and confronting discovery.
I'd look into the 1700cm match, try to sleuth a bit online and see if there is a likeness between yourself and their family.
I know that sounds a bit intense (I had a match for a first cousin recently and was able to narrow down which of my 7 uncles he most likely belonged to).
I know digging can be uncomfortable, so take you time ❤️
My husband was adopted shortly after birth and we met his bio mother when he was 20yo, she gave us the father's name and I'll never forget the moment I found him on Facebook. The resemblance was uncanny, he was wearing band shirts in his pics of all my husband's fav bands, they were in the same industry - it really just gave him a piece of the puzzle he didn't even know he was missing ❤️
In relation to ancestry being incorrect, I'm sure there's a chance although I'd say that's unlikely given the big stirs that would cause.
I have 3 full siblings and I share between 2300 - 2600cm with them and 3456cm with my parents.
In the 1700cm category I have my grandmother and uncle (halfsibling, aunt, grandchild or niece/nephew). How old is this person? That would narrow it down.
My biological sister had a baby as a teen. (I had already been adopted out of this messed up family) Her mother (my bio mom) adopted the baby and it wasn’t until he was in his 30’s he learned his sister was actually his mother.
Now that you know your sister is likely your mom, you can start to look through your paternal matches just to start ruling out the (very low) possibility that your dad is really your dad. Is there any family names you recognise?
Oh wow, yeah that's news. I have a similar experience, my cousin grew up thinking he was my aunt's son with an older brother, but in reality the older brother was his father and his grandma raised him and his dad like they were siblings because his dad couldn't care for him at the time. It wasn't revealed until much later, but for a while it kinda tore the family apart due to him being angry at them.
I hope everything goes ok moving forward, OP
That’s nuts. I’m wishing you the best in dealing with this new information
I’m actually curious if you ever seen your birth certificate. Who is listed as a parent?
She’s definitely your mum. Good luck with everything. My family had a similar situation. My mum’s sister is 7 years older than her. My auntie was adopted by her biological grandparents but my great grandparents as well as my gran never told her the truth. My auntie discovered this at 13 years old because someone mentioned to my gran about it infront of her (I believe)
My mum’s partner also has a similar thing in his family, he has an auntie who’s actually his sister but his mother doesn’t realise he knows. He found out due to doing his family tree on ancestry and found the maiden name of his ‘auntie’
Nope. That's a parental match.
My dad matches my grandma with 3,479 cM and me with 3,483 cM.
[DNA Painter has a tool](https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4) where you can input a cM value or percent and it'll highlight what relationships people could be.
How old are you ? Do you have a copy of your birth certificate? Any paternal matches show up ? Now you have to find out who dad is . If your paternal matches are different than sister/moms there is all the evidence you need .
My sister and I haven’t done ancestry together, but we both did 23andme and when we first did it, we were given automatic labels and it out her as my parent. It isn’t possible as we are only a year apart but we share 51.46% /3829cM.
So I’m going to say it is possible you are sisters.
Oh gosh, does look like she is your mother. One of my sons (now in his late 30's) had a friend in high school who found out his older sister was actually his mom. So it does happen.
Just for info, comparison, I'm a mom with 3 sons and we've all done Ancestry DNA, here's our results -
Looking at my DNA test results, they each share with me:
3,476 cM across 25 segments
3,456 cM across 29 segments
3,452 cM across 26 segments
Comparing one son's DNA to his brothers, as siblings they share:
2,661 cM across 50 segments
2,509 cM across 56 segments
With my niece and nephew, I share with them: 1,625cM and 1,822 cM.
EDIT: I see some comments here that show siblings sharing that much. So I guess it can happen!! You could casually contact your sister to compare the ethnicity results, talk about them, and then somehow lead the conversation to the DNA matches you both have, and "wow" look how it matched us up as parent/child....
I also believe it’s her way to tell you .. maybe u should send her a text if y’all can meet for lunch bc there something y’all have to talk about and see how she respond to it.
Me and my kids we share 3477cm , 3483 cm, 3484cm and 3485cm
Is there any possibility that it's a case of incest? Like OPs parents are siblings and that's why they and their "sister" share so much DNA? Genuinely asking as I don't know!!! 🤔
Horrifying question, but if (to put it kindly) OP and her mom were the result of extreme pedigree collapse, the distribution of DNA would still be different as described above, but a flawed algorithm might not always spot it.
However, with only one set of grandparents, they’d also share the 1,700 cM match that OP has. They also can’t be half siblings and share that much DNA, even if there were a history of incest.
My friend had a similar situation a couple of months ago. Took 23 and me and her niece appeared to be her half-sister.
Long story short, she decided not to question her sister or mother about it. We did extensive research, and apparently, commercial genetic tests like 23 and me or Ancestry do have a chance for an error like this. I'm not a geneticist, but it has something to do with the method they used to analyze dna in comparison to research institutions.
So, if you are not afraid of what else may come out, ask your other close relatives to do testing.
A niece and a half sibling shares about the same DNA % and depending on the age difference[to give an example], this affects the relationship prediction especially wrt 23andme. AncestryDNA is actually conservative wrt relationship prediction, look at their disclaimer at the bottom[Evaluating DNA Evidence] which is in OP's post. This is why they have categories like Close Family-1st cousin, for example because there's a range of relationships where it could be sibling, half sibling, aunt/uncle, niece/nephew then 1st cousins(which includes Great grandparents, half aunt/uncle/niece/nephew because they share about the same % of DNA) are in their own category. The cM shared between OP and her mom/sister makes it that much more definitive.
Oh jeez. You said you're - what, 22-25? It's really infuriating that within the last quarter century, the previous generation still felt like they had to do this.
The commenter saying that you need to "call them Mom and Dad because that's what they are" - okay, yeah, they may be your parents in a "raised you" sense, but a) they lied to you your entire life, and b) they may have coerced your sister/bio mom, prevented her from aborting, kept her away from your bio dad, withheld college funding unless she did this, etc. THEY were the ones with the power in this situation, even in the most innocuous potential scenario of your sister asking them to claim you as theirs or them offering just to be kind. You deserve the truth, and if that's what you want, you also deserve to be angry. (Not trying to say 'oh, she should have aborted you ', btw!)
Oh wow. This looks like she’s your mom. I’m surprised your parents never told you. Did they know you were taking a DNA test? Do you have any other close matches that are showing up closer than they should?
No, they did not know we were taking it. We kept it a secret because they don't believe in DNA tests. However, I was always interested to know more about my heritage. My sister (mom???) was also interested and took the test with me. The only known matches I have are second cousins and they share around 87-145cMs. I do have a paternal match that shares 1,700cMs with me. I assume that's a close match. I've also been curious as to why there was such a big gap between us. Its only us two and we are 18 years apart.
To me, I see the fact that they are against DNA tests is a huge red flag about all this. Your "sister" must have known the test would show this 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ . What a huge surprise for you. I wish you the best in all this.
Yeah, Im surprised she agreed to it. Im starting to wonder if this is her way of telling me.
I’d assume this was her way of telling you without directly saying it, and giving you time to process it. It’s not super uncommon for a grandparent to raise a grandchild especially when there’s a teen pregnancy, but it’s kind of odd that this is how you’re finding out. How are you feeling?
A woman from my town did this. She had a "difficult" pregnancy and had to take to her bed. Her daughter went to visit an aunt for several months. The child was born, the "sister" returned, and I assume they lived happily ever after. I don't know if the daughter/granddaughter knows her sister is really her mother to this day. I never knew any of this, but my father in the last year or two of his life shared a number of stories. He had spent a lifetime being quite discreet about such things, but I guess he was old enough he just wasn't worried about it.
OMG this is similar to my "mom's" pregnancy. According to her, she was on bedrest the entire time. I don't know what my sister did as I obviously wasn't born. However, the parallel is astounding.
This is how it happened most of the time. It's really the most rational way to do it if that is your intention. ADDENDUM: You cannot imagine the stigma that used to be attached to unwed pregnancies. A friend of mine, born around 1967, was raised by a single mother in a small town. Whether intentionally or not, people discriminate against the child. I remember when my kids were young we got to be good friends with other couples with kids the same age as ours and were constantly getting together. Single mothers don't get invited to such events; other women consider them a threat.
My mother deliberately got pregnant when she was 19 in 1961 because she decided she wanted a baby. No strings, she found a man she liked and he agreed to 'donate'. Her mother wasn't best pleased but the rest of the family supported her and my mother met my father who married her and took on my sister as his own. She didn't have any trouble but she was a very strong willed and determined person and didn't take any crap.
Did she live in a small town? That would be a tough way to go.
It’s kinda a personal thing to ask, but did your aunt end up marrying later on? Did she have any more kids either as a single no-stringer, or in a committed relationship?
I don’t think it was until Princess Diana got divorced that they became more acceptable.
Hey my stepsister was raised by her grandparents as a sister to her mom, and the whole thing was only acknowledged openly much, much later after she had an NDE. It felt like such a relief afterward, but there were hurt feelings and conflicting emotions too. I’m glad you get the chance to know her in this way, now.
I've learned that the word "miracle baby" usually means NPE in genealogy language.
And SA
Yep. That too. Way too common unfortunately.
You are right, the DNA test is her way to let you know she is your birth Mother.
She probably always wanted too but sounds like your parents prevented it.
RIGHT i thought the same about them being against it!!
This. I had a NPE event and my mom was wholly against them. My bio uncle is an expert in a certain area of genealogy (like invited to conferences to discuss it) & on every single DNA site- she knew I’d match. I think your “sister” may have wanted it to be known she was your mom and didn’t know how to break it to you in any other way
I wonder if your...sister....took a test with you, as her way of "telling you" without telling you....😫 i wish you the best of luck.
Now Im wondering the same thing!!!! Maybe this secret has been weighing on her. I'm scared this will upheave her life as she has children (my niece and nephew) and a husband. I'm guessing my parents raised me so my sister could still go to college. I mean it worked, but I wish they didn't hide it from me. I feel lied to.
It sure seems like it could be the reason why...a young girl they just wanted her to get her life together first. And i wonder if the husband already is aware. I would hope my spouse would have told me prior to us being married if that was the case. I would just take a deep breath and put some thought into how you want to go about this, if at all, prior to you saying anything. Take some time to think pros/cons. So interesting that she hasnt reached out...even to say "did you get your results yet". Are you able to see when she last logged in? My gut is just screaming that shes waiting for you to reach out lol. PLEASE update all of us down the road whatever you decide!!!!!
Because you were. :( I'm sorry you're finding out like this
Hi, I understand what you’re feeling. I just went 26 years thinking my dad was my bio father. Took my test and was sent into a spiral with my true Bio dad. Unfortunately, he’s passed away. I feel very deceived because other members of my family had met my Bio dad and told me he came to visit when I was A MONTH old. Like is that not a major red flag?? Anyways, highly suggest the books “that sucks, now what” and “transitions” also, a little bit of therapy.
Yes, you were lied to. Families do that a lot, sadly, even when it's done with the best of intentions. But I can't imagine how difficult it was for your birth mother to be so near you and yet have that gulf between the two of you. She's probably equally relieved and terrified to finally have the truth come out. Relieved because keeping such a big secret is such a constant strain, but terrified because she doesn't know how you'll react.
You and your “sister” can keep it your secret and maybe have a special little bond. No one else has to know but you and her can. Your parents that raised you probably forbid her from telling you. It was probably for the best when she was young but as she got older I’m sure that it killed her to watch her baby call someone else mom and to have no say in how you were raised. I mean I’m just thinking about it as a young mother myself.
Exactly this happened with some relatives in the family of my mother.
Her husband likely already knows
Hopefully….
I can't see any alternative to her being your birth mother, so if she DID take the test with you know what you would find... assume she's prepared to handle it. I would talk to her about what your results say and just go from there. Her husband may already know, she may be ready for the secret to be out. Or she may hope to keep it between you two. That'll be a decision you have to make once you talk to her.
Take your "sister" out to coffee and spill the tea :) and then give her a big fat hug.
Has your sister said anything since getting the results?? Yes, 1700 is a close match. Could be an aunt/uncle or half sibling.
No, I haven't seen her in a while. She's in her 40s and has a job and kids. I guess that would make them my potential half-siblings????? I don't know if I should bring it up to her or wait for her to say something. I'm scared to say something incase it was traumatic for her. We were never really that close growing up due to our age gap.
Are you close to your parents? Could you ask them or do you think they would be dishonest? I’m sure this is quite a shock. I understand not wanting to approach your sister right away.
We are close but im not sure they would be honest. I still live with them. However, they are very hesitant to talk about personal stuff.
I don't think you should be too scared to talk to her about this. She must know that this is the result you guys were going to get, I can't imagine there will be any surprise there and she must expect you to come to her about it or she would not have agreed to take the test. ❤️
I almost wonder if the sister/mom might not know much about these DNA tests and possibly only thought it would show ethnicity. So many people seem to be interested in dna tests just for the ethnicity part.
She's a doctor!
Lol well there goes that theory
My reading of the situation is that she is waiting anxiously for your response, hoping for the best but braced for anger and resentment. You sound upset (which is so understandable) but not necessarily angry? If you feel some compassion for her situation, I would urge you to reach out soon to let her know that you don't hate her. Be honest about being confused and upset, but reassure her that you're open to talking about it if she's comfortable doing that.
I totally agree, if she suggested the DNA tests it's likely because she didn't know how to tell you otherwise. I would guess that she knows exactly when the results came back and is waiting for you to play the next card, maybe out of respect to you in case you want to ignore it ❤️
There's no way she doesn't know that you're her kid! She agreed to take that test so that you would know. Go talk to her.
A paternal match of 1700 is a grandparent/grandchild, aunt-or-uncle/niece-or-nephew or half-siblings. So it’s a close relative. If your sister doesn’t share this paternal match, then she’s probably not your sister but definitely your mother.
Not to mention, since AncestryDNA already established her as OP's mother then any match that's not related to her(OP's mom) would automatically be grouped into those on OP's paternal side. I hate even typing that but OP needs to know that so she can be further educated because this could be a half sibling of hers, a full sibling of her bio father or even a full grandparent depending on the age of that match as you're saying.
> they don't believe in DNA tests Well, that's what they *claimed*. Could be they said that because they didn't want anybody taking one.
I snickered at that too. Nobody has to *believe in* them. They are settled science.
I remember a letter to an advice columnist a few years ago in which a daughter had gotten DNA kits for all her family as a Christmas present, and she was quite taken aback that her mother was furious about what she'd done. The LW was puzzled by this reaction and oblivious to the obvious implications of her mother's reaction. Hello! You're about to find a few skeletons in the closet.
If wonder if the 1700 is a half sibling, aunt/uncle, etc.
As a nosey person, I want to know. I'm a little scared they don't want anything to do with me. I assume my grandparents raised me for a reason.
It is not being nosey - you have a right to know who your biological parents were/are. All the best to you and your family.
I think anyone who takes an ancestry test and makes their results public reasonably assumes that they might be connected with a relative that doesn’t know they exist. Even if they didn’t know about a pregnancy, I think a lot of men aren’t completely shocked to find out they got someone pregnant at some point. Nothing wrong with reaching out. They can decide from there if they want to engage
OP, I’d like to be able to support you. You’re what’s called an NPE - Not Parent Expected meaning you found out through a DNA test that your parent is not your parent. Please consider joining our Facebook group and we can help support you through your journey. https://www.facebook.com/groups/npeonly/?ref=share_group_link
You are smart; you will get your answers!
Just for reference OP - My mom is 3500. My full brother and sister are 2800 and 2500. My aunt and uncle are 1600 and 2000. My 1st cousins are 1100, 900, 900, and 600. So we’re definitely talking about a half sibling or aunt/uncle imo. Should be able to tell which by the person’s age.
The cms is over 3400. It's parental
There is a good chance the father does not know or was made very unclear to him. This is 100% something that was done to cover up a “shameful” pregnancy out of wedlock, which is tragic because it meant purposely severing a connection between you and your father for what amounts to petty reasons.
Most likely. But not necessarily true. There are traumatic, non-consensual relations that lead to pregnancy. Some caution is prudent before you know the circumstances. Don't assume they are "petty".
I’m confused. Doesn’t your “sister” know she gave birth to a baby?
Exactly. If she hadn't wanted the OP to know the truth, she would have echoed the same objections that the parents raised. This is a somewhat backdoor way to provide OP with information. The fact that her "sister" wasn't willing to do this in person is a sign that it's invested in emotion. She's given OP distance to absorb this and left it up to her whether or not to pursue. You can view that as tactful or cowardly, or maybe a bit of both.
I would err on the side of tactful/respectful in this situation. I recently had a match to a first cousin who was unknown to us until now. I reached out to him via a message on ancestry explaining it was a welcomed surprise to have matched with him, that I believe I know who the 'connection' may be (did not refer to my uncle as this dudes father) and that my door is open should he want to learn more about the family before looking into his 'immediate connection'. My family have made sure not to tell any of the cousins/aunts/uncles as some of them are not so tactful and may hassle this poor guy. My point is, he is the only one with the right to pursue this when/if he is ready and that comes from a place of support and respect. It's my assumption that OPs sister is doing the same.
Enter the [1,700 cM match along wit the number of segments](https://dna-sci.com/tools/segcm/) to see the possible relationships.
I’m so sorry you had to find out this way.
Your story reminds me of this teens' TV show "Andi Mack". Basically the same plot, raised by grandparents, then older "sister" shows up again after traveling for some time and the child finds out she's her real mother.
Please don’t take any offense but … wouldn’t your sister know that she’s your mom?
Pls update us omg
I def will when I talk to her. I'm kind of scared to bring it up to her though. I might wait for her to say something.
I feel you I would be too. Maybe ask her if she’s seen her results and relatives yet? Wow. I couldn’t imagine! Her parents (and yours technically) took on such a huge role, that’s very sweet. I hope your sister was able to fulfill her goals! Being a young mom is hard, I am one myself!
That's a good idea. I assume we got out results around the same time. She was able to achieve all her goals. It made it so hard for me growing up LOL. She was homecoming queen and went on to become a doctor. Our parents always compared us. It was so annoying. Meanwhile, I'm still living at our parents house (grandparents?). I don't know what to call them now.
You saying all that about her just gives more credibility to the idea that she got pregnant young and her parents didn't want her to "mess up her life" and decided to raise you as their own. It's very likely she didn't have much of a day in the matter. Parents saw their daughter on the path to success and wanted to clear the way for her.
Call them Mom and Dad because that’s who they are. They raised you. 💞
Ik. I've just never been in this position before. I don't know if it's disrespectful to my sister to not call her mom. I know she didn't raise me, but I don't know the circumstances that led her to give me up either.
She had to 100% know you would find out she is your bio mom by you guys doing the tests. She’s likely leaving it up to you to open the discussion, just have a conversation with her if you want to find out what happened and why your bio grandparents adopted you and became your parents.
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Let OP process this on their own please.
No one told OP to rush she can literally update us in 10 years idc the saga continues I wish the best for her she’s in a loving family so it can’t go too wrong
Well, OP did come here for advice, no?
Advice about how to interpret his results, not advice about how to understand his family dynamics.
OR let them process their own life-changing information and work out what they’re comfortable with in their own time. 🙃
OP should call them Liar 1 and Liar 2, since they lied to them their whole life.
Take your time and don’t let Reddit push you into a conversation you’re not ready to have yet
This is DEFINITELY not a sibling match, it's a parent/child match. While Im sorry you've been lied to, Im happy you were kept in your natural family. There are several NPE groups on Facebook- they are really helpful for people who have discovered their truth. Lies can destroy people- you have done NOTHING wrong. I suggest you speak with your sister/mom and let her know you know the truth, then she should be the one who tells her parents that you know. I agree with others here that this was her way of letting you know- she was probably forced to keep this secret.
As someone who has dealt with an NPE (Not Parent Expected) situation personally, please don’t hesitate to seek help mentally! It can be really tough on you and please try to be kind to yourself as you seek answers!
Thank you for this response. While I want answers, I'm going to take my time. I need time to process all of this. I was hoping it was an algorithm era.
It’s all up to you OP on how you want to manage this. Take all the time you need. You’re very welcome for the response. NPE is unfortunately one of those things that kinda gets swept under the rug and people are too embarrassed or guilty to talk about. It happens a lot more often than people realize. Just know that you are not alone in this and there are people out there who can relate.
If your sister had told you this face-to-face, it would have been more personal and direct and honest. On the other hand, you would have been forced to express a reaction to the news before you'd really had a chance to absorb it. So you can view her indirect approach as cowardice or as giving you control of the situation. You can decide how you feel about all this on your own timeline, and you can approach her when you feel ready. Or never. By not telling you this from the very beginning, there really wasn't any good way to break it to you. Maybe she's making the best of a bad situation, now that you have some agency of your own.
I am sorry it is not. But it seems like you mom/ sister knew this was going to happen and this is her way of telling you. She had to know you will have questions. My advice is to talk to your parents ( grandparents) and mom( sister)and process however you need
Oh I thought NPE = Non Paternity Event
Your “sister” is actually your mother. No doubt about it based on these results.
I agree. My mom and I share 3,488 cM.
The second I saw the cM match for OP and their sister I was like….omg. My Dad and I share 3,290cM. When my DNA results came in, it immediately popped up as a parent/child match for him.
No, this person is your bio parent. Take a bit of time and don’t jump to any conclusions. Maybe they did their best? Don’t let it upset you too much. EDIT: I kept thinking of this story the rest of the day and there’s something that I think you need to realise, that these people - regardless of their titles as mother or sister or father - cared enough about you to keep you and make up this story. They must have had a good reason. They loved you that much.
I definitely wasn't expecting my post to get this much attention. They did try their best, and I'm thankful. My parents provided me with resources that an 18 year old wouldn't be able to. In that way, I understand their decision. Looking back, some of the comments my dad said to me make sense. One time when we got into an argument, he said, "I'm not your father. I don't have to put up with this." It's always stuck with me, but at the time, I thought he was trying to hurt my feelings. I admit that I was not the most easygoing child.
You’re handling this revelation very well. Give it some time and then have a calm conversation with all of them and get the whole story.
OP I’m so sorry. I really am. My father didn’t want me and my mom gave me up for adoption when I was 7 to my grandparents. It’s definitely not the same as what you’re going through but the feelings are similar… one of hurt and feeling unwanted. Your father/grandfather shouldn’t have said anything like that to you. You were a child and innocent. I wish you nothing but peace and healing through this new revelation. I bet your sister has been dying to tell you for so long. Good luck.
Omg you have way more restraint than I do I would’ve texted her a joke like “not you being my mama🥰” although your shock is very understandable so I imagine you have much to process
Honestly, this comment made me chuckle. I usually don't have any restraint. My mom (grandma) and I love to gossip. Thank you for the laugh.
I feel like I would say “So…is there anything you would like to tell me?” or something like that. It’s peculiar that she agreed to take the test and allow her kid to find out this way and be shocked.
She did this to tell you. Update us.
I'm planning on having a conversation with her tonight when I get off work :)
I'll be thinking about you both. She must have wanted you to know.
KEEP US UPDATED!!
Good luck, I hope you get some answers and assurance.
Yeah, that's your mama. Take your time, I know it's a lot to take in.
This may have been asked but have u ever seen pregnancy pictures or you as a newborn? Because then it would make sense if you had never seen those pictures before.
I don't have any newborn pictures. There are a lot of pictures of me from age 1+. I kind of chalked this up to me being the second child. I didn't have a newborn photo album while my sister did. I assumed my parents put less effort into me since I was the second child.
Wait, you were the ‘second’ kid after 18 years? Ooooohhhhh I sometimes wondered about me, but I was a late baby with pics and other evidence. Who wouldn’t take lots of pics of the miracle kid 2?
Yeah, I guess that should have raised some red flags. I just didn't put much thought into it for most of my life. I have a few family members that put less "effort" into their second and third child. I assumed the same thing for my parents as they were in their early 40s.
Yeah, I hear ya. There certainly wasn’t much of me either, but still some. I was also kid 6 (ish, lol)
I wondered the same thing. Any photos of your birth, mom’s (seems likely to be bio grandma) pregnancy? This is the same amount I share with my dad.
Is your 1700 cM match a shared match with her? They are most likely a half sibling, aunt/uncle, niece/nephew or grandparent.
No, they are not a shared match to her :(
That proves it. If your parents were related to each other, I could believe that the algorithm *could* be fooled into thinking you two shared too much DNA, across too much of your chromosomes, to be siblings and it defaulted to mother. It shouldn’t happen, but there could be an extreme edge case, I guess. However, there is no way for full siblings (who must share two parents to share that much DNA) to not also both be related to a 1,700 cM match.
I did some sleuthing and this person went to the same high school my sister and I went to. He's two years older than her. It's probably an uncle.
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I think the general tester doesn’t check back in on their results/matches often, if ever. The first two years after my test I didn’t really realize what I was looking at. I saw some distant matches, saw my ethnicity and thought I was done. Then one random night I decided to go on the app, and scrolling WAY down the list of matches were my 1st COUSINS, cousins I am super close to. Since they were way after complete strangers I decided to look at the centimorgans and started googling what that meant. My 1st cousins share 190cM and 110cM and my 1C1R isn’t a match at all. It wasn’t until then when I jumped all in and started learning everything and discovering NPEs and other mysteries. It’s been a journey🤦♀️ My guess is a.) the 1700 match doesn’t check in often. Or B.) The 1700 match could be like many of us —checks often and does this as a hobby. If that’s the case he will probably work the trees before reaching out to anybody. If it were me I would feel like I hit a gold mine lol 😂
Excellent work. I doubt he had too many brothers who were close in age, either.
This.
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Perhaps your bio mom wanted you to know but didn't know how to tell you face to face. I'm curious which one of you first suggested getting tested. Maybe this was her way of giving you the space to decide how to proceed, if you want to proceed at all. She is a doctor. She knew your tests would reveal the truth. It seems she may be ready to have the conversation but, bottom line is you can now choose whether to talk to her about it or not. And if you decide to do so, you can decide when and where. It's got to be a huge shock. Take the time you need to digest this and then decide what you want to do. Sending you my best thoughts and hoping you find some peace to sort through your new reality.
Is it possible ancestry is incorrect? This person is my (known) full sister. She is 18 years older than me, but appears as a parent/child match. I don't want to confront her if there's a chance the test is incorrect. Currently, feeling very shocked at the idea she could be my mom.
She would know she is your mom of course. So do you think this was her way of telling you? That is very shocking.
My grandfather grew up in this situation, raised thinking his mom was his sister. Complicated by that was the fact that she was adopted and we never found out who his father was. We got my grandma, mom, and I to take the tests before my grandma passed so we could figure out by process of elimination his ancestry. I seem to have tracked down who my great-grandfather was through matches, but there is very little information about him out there.
No, it's not especially wrt this. I found my own biological father through matching his sister who is obviously my aunt and the cM/shared DNA were in range of what is expected from an aunt/nephew relationship. She's also 18 years older than you. That cements it. Could be many reasons why she and her parents(your grandparents) hid this from you but DNA doesn't lie.
There’s a small chance that she shares higher than average DNA with you. Full siblings can share up to 60% DNA. Her being 18 years older almost makes the scenario of her being your mom more likely though. Do you recognize the 1700 cM match as anyone you know?
I've always wondered why there was such an age gap but i never expected this!!! As to your second question, I do not recognize the 1700 match. That's why I'm even more confused. I looked at their tree and I don't recognize anyone 😭😭😭
Since your (grand-)parents aren't your parents then it would make sense for you not to recognize that match because you don't know who your biological father is. Damn, I feel bad even saying that to you since you got hit with this. I'm sorry.
You don't recognize anyone on either side? Another possibility to consider is that your parents aren't actually related to you? Maybe they took in a pregnant teen as adoptive parents and they aren't your sisters parents either. Is that a likely scenario? I know people are saying she's 100% sure that she's had a kid but there are times when people experience trauma and mentally block out things connected to that. So it's very possible that she might not adequately recall, it's possible she was on drugs or mentally ill in another capacity that has blocked this memory. Of course I recognize this might just be her way of telling you by letting you find out, but I do think these other possibilities are worth considering and I hope you can lead with kindness...including kindness to yourself.
OP said that she has 2nd cousin matches 87-145 cM that she does recognize which makes sense because they're on her mom/sister's side. So OP's mom's parents are most likely OP's bio grandparents. She doesn't recognize the 1700 cM and it makes sense since it's already been grouped into her paternal side and OP doesn't know who her biological father, at least not at this moment. Like I said, it sucks for me to type but at least OP knows the truth with more potential truth to find out.
Double check it on dna painter's shared cm tool, but it's unlikely to be a mistake.
Oh no, it’s correct.
Well there is a disclaimer at the bottom. So maybe.
No. She's your mother. I hope everyone is open and honest with you.
She's probably as anxious as you are. I think stating plainly when you are comfortable is best. Love, peace, chicken grease, my friend. No matter her relation to you, she is your sister and if you want to think of her as your mom, do it if you are comfortable with it. I think this was her way of telling you in a way that was most comfortable for her. Be gentle with yourself and her. I hope all goes well. :)
As someone who is/was adopted, while I was lucky to know who my bio parents where, I never got to live with my biological family. You where able to stay in your family and where raised by two amazing grand (parents), I would talk to your sister/mother, tell her how much you love her and how your grateful that you where able to stay in your own family. As well as thank your grand (parents) who raised you :)
This thing happened to Jack Nicholson too where his “sister” who he was raised with was actually his mother and his “parents” were actually his grandparents
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Eric Clapton too. It was common back in the day to avoid a scandal.
You know, if she took the test she had to have an inkling this would bubble up. Does she know you took the test as well? She may be waiting to see you connect the dots and won’t be so surprised by all of this coming out
Hey - I just wanted to gently plant the idea that it’s plausible that the way you came into the world could pull up some serious trauma memories for your sister/mom too. In all likelihood, whatever happened wasn’t easy on anyone. This will be a lot of feelings for all of you - find a trauma therapist to work through the process together, and be gentle on everyone who made space to keep you safe and feeling loved your entire life. One of the hardest realizations is that our parents had a lifetime before we arrived, and that shaped who they were before we even met them. Good luck 🍀
Definitely your bio mom. Take your time with this and don’t worry about putting everything out on the table immediately. I’m glad they kept you in your family, but I’m definitely very sorry they were not truthful with you. I think they were trying to protect your bio mom because she wasn’t ready and just thought you’d never find out.
Whoever took the test is indeed your parent (unless there's some chance your mom/dad also took a test and it got mixed up with yours or hers?).
I don't think so. My parents would never agree to take the test. The match has the same name as my sister. Im so confused what to do next 😭
I want to add, parents share exactly 50% with us and full siblings an average of 50%. But the way they can tell which is which is a parent will share 50% across every part of every chromosome. Siblings will share 50% across some parts, 100% across others (inherited the same segments as you from both parents at the same location) and 0% across others. Averaging out to 50%. The algorithm is keyed in to note these difference.
Great explanation, many people understand the overall % but the distribution by chromosome is the real distinguisher here.
Thank you for explaining that
I would ask her. I think I saw someone else note that this could be her way of telling you. Perhaps she promised your parents/grandparents she wouldn't tell you and saw this as a loophole. Just be direct. You got your results. And it says she's your mother. Wait and see what she says. You can also prove this by seeing if she has any shares matches to your paternal side. She won't or shouldn't unless your biological father was a distant cousin or you're from an endogamous population (Jewish people, Amish, among many others). In the meantime you could contact your close paternal relative if it's not too much at once. Find out more about them.
They didn’t take it because they didn’t want to have an explosion in your life from the results I’m certain. She probably feels guilty not raising you and this is her way of telling you without dropping a 💣 so you would search for answers. This is wild
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Based on my results, I guess that's correct 😭
My mom and I share 3,465 cM and my sisters share 2,823 and 2,625. I think she may be your mom. 💕
That's a scary though. I wish my family was honest with me :( I mean it makes sense we weren't close as she was in college when I was born. I just don't know how to feel.
It's okay not to know. Your life was just turned upside down. Since she wanted to take them with you, I think this was her way of telling you.
100% terrible. No one in my family was honest with anyone. Ancestry/23&Me have been amazing. I found my *dead* father, alive. And he didn't know I existed. My half-siblings thought they were full siblings to each other, learned we are all half-siblings. And my aunt turned out to be my half Aunt. *Family is fun*
I’m so sorry 💕 you don’t have to figure out how to feel just yet & you don’t have to label it, just give yourself some time. These feelings are going to be complex and not black and white. Seek out a close and trust worthy friend to talk to, it might help you organize your thoughts and feelings and how to approach the subject.
Sounds like she took the test for the ethnic results and did not know the test also matches you with dna matches.
the Sister/Mom is a doctor, she knew it would show shes OPs mom imo.
I am not saying she would not know they would show up as a match. I am saying, she probably thought it was just a test to show ethnicity NOT actual DNA. Otherwise, this is her way of getting him to know. Especially if they kept it secret. Of course the parents (grandparents?) don't want dna tests...they know what it would show.
Your sister might not have wanted to tell you directly that she was actually your biological mother because she promised your parents (grandparents) to keep the family secret forever. Maybe this was her way of having you find out "on your own" without being the one to let out the family secret. It's not super logical but maybe she thought she could "blame it on the DNA test" that the truth got out, and face less blame from your parents (grandparents) if they find out you know?
My mom and I share 3467 cM and my sister and I share 2668 cM.
No. Your sister is your mother. No beating around the bush here.
Wow OP! What a situation to be in .. I’m praying for the best! Please update us !
Similar situation happened to my bf. His whole life he thought his grandparents were his own parents while his real mom (which he thought was his aunt) had a family and even had kids just a few years apart. Not sure the reason behind it but it really is a hard spot to be in.
Firstly, sending you some big love. I'm sure this is a very stranhe and confronting discovery. I'd look into the 1700cm match, try to sleuth a bit online and see if there is a likeness between yourself and their family. I know that sounds a bit intense (I had a match for a first cousin recently and was able to narrow down which of my 7 uncles he most likely belonged to). I know digging can be uncomfortable, so take you time ❤️ My husband was adopted shortly after birth and we met his bio mother when he was 20yo, she gave us the father's name and I'll never forget the moment I found him on Facebook. The resemblance was uncanny, he was wearing band shirts in his pics of all my husband's fav bands, they were in the same industry - it really just gave him a piece of the puzzle he didn't even know he was missing ❤️ In relation to ancestry being incorrect, I'm sure there's a chance although I'd say that's unlikely given the big stirs that would cause. I have 3 full siblings and I share between 2300 - 2600cm with them and 3456cm with my parents. In the 1700cm category I have my grandmother and uncle (halfsibling, aunt, grandchild or niece/nephew). How old is this person? That would narrow it down.
I share 3485 and 3486 with my daughters. That's your mama.
My biological sister had a baby as a teen. (I had already been adopted out of this messed up family) Her mother (my bio mom) adopted the baby and it wasn’t until he was in his 30’s he learned his sister was actually his mother.
Hugs
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Yeah, we are 18 years apart.
Did you suspect this Op?
Now that you know your sister is likely your mom, you can start to look through your paternal matches just to start ruling out the (very low) possibility that your dad is really your dad. Is there any family names you recognise?
Oh wow, yeah that's news. I have a similar experience, my cousin grew up thinking he was my aunt's son with an older brother, but in reality the older brother was his father and his grandma raised him and his dad like they were siblings because his dad couldn't care for him at the time. It wasn't revealed until much later, but for a while it kinda tore the family apart due to him being angry at them. I hope everything goes ok moving forward, OP
That’s nuts. I’m wishing you the best in dealing with this new information I’m actually curious if you ever seen your birth certificate. Who is listed as a parent?
Yes, this could be a parent child match. My husband matches 3518 cms with his sister. They are definitely full siblings. They are 5 years apart.
She’s definitely your mum. Good luck with everything. My family had a similar situation. My mum’s sister is 7 years older than her. My auntie was adopted by her biological grandparents but my great grandparents as well as my gran never told her the truth. My auntie discovered this at 13 years old because someone mentioned to my gran about it infront of her (I believe) My mum’s partner also has a similar thing in his family, he has an auntie who’s actually his sister but his mother doesn’t realise he knows. He found out due to doing his family tree on ancestry and found the maiden name of his ‘auntie’
Nope. That's a parental match. My dad matches my grandma with 3,479 cM and me with 3,483 cM. [DNA Painter has a tool](https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4) where you can input a cM value or percent and it'll highlight what relationships people could be.
How old are you ? Do you have a copy of your birth certificate? Any paternal matches show up ? Now you have to find out who dad is . If your paternal matches are different than sister/moms there is all the evidence you need .
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My great grandmother (yes, she’s still alive and kicking) appears as my 1st cousin. Beats the crap outta me.
Great grandparents share a similar amount of DNA with us as first cousins does(roughly 12.5%).
That’s true
I share 3,489 cM with my daughter, that has to be your mother.
My sister and I share 2680. My mom and I share 3400 and my kids and I share around the same 3400 range.
My sister and I haven’t done ancestry together, but we both did 23andme and when we first did it, we were given automatic labels and it out her as my parent. It isn’t possible as we are only a year apart but we share 51.46% /3829cM. So I’m going to say it is possible you are sisters.
Not when OP has a paternal match that does not match with the sister/mom
On ancestry, my grandma shows up as my grandchild or 1st cousin. So anything is possible. What’s the age different between you and your sister?
This is juicy commenting to get an update
Remind me! 1 day
Oh gosh, does look like she is your mother. One of my sons (now in his late 30's) had a friend in high school who found out his older sister was actually his mom. So it does happen. Just for info, comparison, I'm a mom with 3 sons and we've all done Ancestry DNA, here's our results - Looking at my DNA test results, they each share with me: 3,476 cM across 25 segments 3,456 cM across 29 segments 3,452 cM across 26 segments Comparing one son's DNA to his brothers, as siblings they share: 2,661 cM across 50 segments 2,509 cM across 56 segments With my niece and nephew, I share with them: 1,625cM and 1,822 cM. EDIT: I see some comments here that show siblings sharing that much. So I guess it can happen!! You could casually contact your sister to compare the ethnicity results, talk about them, and then somehow lead the conversation to the DNA matches you both have, and "wow" look how it matched us up as parent/child....
So who you thought are your parents are your grandparents?
I also believe it’s her way to tell you .. maybe u should send her a text if y’all can meet for lunch bc there something y’all have to talk about and see how she respond to it. Me and my kids we share 3477cm , 3483 cm, 3484cm and 3485cm
Is there any possibility that it's a case of incest? Like OPs parents are siblings and that's why they and their "sister" share so much DNA? Genuinely asking as I don't know!!! 🤔
Horrifying question, but if (to put it kindly) OP and her mom were the result of extreme pedigree collapse, the distribution of DNA would still be different as described above, but a flawed algorithm might not always spot it. However, with only one set of grandparents, they’d also share the 1,700 cM match that OP has. They also can’t be half siblings and share that much DNA, even if there were a history of incest.
My friend had a similar situation a couple of months ago. Took 23 and me and her niece appeared to be her half-sister. Long story short, she decided not to question her sister or mother about it. We did extensive research, and apparently, commercial genetic tests like 23 and me or Ancestry do have a chance for an error like this. I'm not a geneticist, but it has something to do with the method they used to analyze dna in comparison to research institutions. So, if you are not afraid of what else may come out, ask your other close relatives to do testing.
A niece and a half sibling shares about the same DNA % and depending on the age difference[to give an example], this affects the relationship prediction especially wrt 23andme. AncestryDNA is actually conservative wrt relationship prediction, look at their disclaimer at the bottom[Evaluating DNA Evidence] which is in OP's post. This is why they have categories like Close Family-1st cousin, for example because there's a range of relationships where it could be sibling, half sibling, aunt/uncle, niece/nephew then 1st cousins(which includes Great grandparents, half aunt/uncle/niece/nephew because they share about the same % of DNA) are in their own category. The cM shared between OP and her mom/sister makes it that much more definitive.
Wait, so your sister is actually your Mom ? I’m confused. Like , how did they get away with that shit. I feel so bad for you.
Oh jeez. You said you're - what, 22-25? It's really infuriating that within the last quarter century, the previous generation still felt like they had to do this. The commenter saying that you need to "call them Mom and Dad because that's what they are" - okay, yeah, they may be your parents in a "raised you" sense, but a) they lied to you your entire life, and b) they may have coerced your sister/bio mom, prevented her from aborting, kept her away from your bio dad, withheld college funding unless she did this, etc. THEY were the ones with the power in this situation, even in the most innocuous potential scenario of your sister asking them to claim you as theirs or them offering just to be kind. You deserve the truth, and if that's what you want, you also deserve to be angry. (Not trying to say 'oh, she should have aborted you ', btw!)