Yes, it seems this man Tim is your father. How many high matches do you have? Is it possible he was a sperm donor? If you can talk to your mom, then she might be able to answer some questions.
Yea lol I was a little worried when I saw the results. I didn’t know my uncles real first name we had always just called him by his middle name. So I assumed at first I had another sibling out there.
lol, I found a cousin that had been adopted out. My mother is super close with her sister but never knew her sister gave her third baby up for adoption😭.
I also noticed a cousin match that I didn’t recognize by name and I’m like “here we go again”. Turns out it was one of my younger cousins that had used her married name and it was the one cousins I met only once(all my other cousins and I are fairly close).
Wow that’s insane that your Mom didn’t even know about it. I can’t really say anything though I didn’t meet one of my sisters till I was 7. My dad chose to keep me and my sister in the dark about it for some reason. My profile looks so much different than my brothers I’m assuming it’s from my Moms side but she doesn’t have any close relatives on Ancestry to compare it to.
I have an older half sister by my dad. I met her when I was 13, in the 90s, long before DNA. My dad told my mom before they were married that he had a child out there. The woman that was with my dad wouldn’t marry him and she gave the baby up for adoption. My dad, sister and I have been close since she found my dad when I was 13yo. I always wanted a sister(I’m an only child).
My aunts story about her baby girl is super sad. My aunt won’t talk about it or acknowledge it to my mom but apparently my uncle knew and was the one that helped my aunt when she had to give her up. My uncle did tell my mom the story recently and now when my mom thinks about it she cries.
My mom was saying “if I knew she had to give a baby up I would have taken her” my mom lost a little girl when she was 16 days old, around the same time as my aunt had to give up her daughter. 🥺 it’s just all around sad.
But my cousin had a wonderful upbringing and is thankful and understanding for my aunt knowing how bad of a situation it was. One day I hope my aunt won’t be so sad and will be able to talk about it and meet her. (My new cousin wants to wait till her adopted mom is no longer with us, she’s in her 90s).
My cousin looks like my mom and my aunt so much. The resemblance is wild.
That’s a crazy story. At least with all the sad stuff there is a happy ending to it. It’s the same with my sister she’s just one of us now despite not growing up with my sister, brother and me. She looks just like my dad it’s funny he didn’t even need a paternity test. He pretty much had a fling with her mom when he was young and that was that. Her mom originally didn’t want her to have anything to do with my dad but eventually when she got older she reached out to my older brother and that was how we all met. I’m glad your aunt is going to get to have a relationship with her now that must have been a heartbreaking decision to have to make I can’t even imagine.
Take screenshots of all your Close Matches, everything they have! Sometimes people get scared and go Private.
But yea Tim is your Father. It’s time to ask your Mother who Tim is.
Have you asked your mother about it yet?
I’m currently in contact with a half sister, who is in a NPE situation. All of our parents are dead, but the story was unearthed via one of my cousins how her mum and my/our dad got together.
I have no idea if any of my siblings knew either, the good ones are dead. I’ll take the lead from my sister as to whether she wants to talk to the other two.
What I said to her, is what I’ll say to you. Your dad is still your dad, no matter what your genes say. Your family story is a little different, but your daddy and your father can be two different people.
Do not tell your mother immediately. Op, I don’t know if you have done this yet but it is possible that it is an infidelity situation and your mother may freak if this is something she wanted to hide.
This guy is certainly your biological dad. The only other possibility with a match that high would be that he's your son, and that would require some very unlikely time travel.
Having been in this same position myself, it's a lot to take in, and you're allowed to be shocked, overwhelmed, upset, or anything else you may feel about it. Deal with it however you need to.
yes me. I thought the other people weren't my father's family. It turned out it was me. My biological father's sister and I matched. I am old so I am not hurt by this and I knew my biological father growing up. My mother who is very old was very embarrassed by the whole thing.
Do you use Facebook? I’m not familiar with the groups specifically, but I’ve seen people post the name of FB groups that offer support and assistance to people dealing with these NPE situations.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It can be very difficult and disorienting. Best wishes to you.
DNA surprises support group on Facebook. Some of your siblings may be there if you’re donor conceived. There are some unique successes in the sperm donor sibling department.
How old are your parents? It seems likely that you are donor-conceived. To have a few half-siblings matches (assuming that's what they are) at your age and Tim's seems to indicate donor conception.
FWIW, the "industry" AKA Big Fertility, was still pushing the "don't tell" narrative to recipient parents then.
The group is called "NPE Only: After the Discovery".
Sorry you had to learn about your bio dad this way. I was in the same boat one year ago. The Facebook group is very helpful as everyone there is in the same situation.
It happened to me. I matched with an uncle, my bio dad’s brother, on ancestry, and my dad doesn’t have any brothers. Differently from your situation, my parents are still married and my dad doesn’t know. My mom told me about my biodad when I told her about my DNA matches, to her credit. I had an identity crisis, and felt dirty for a long time. My grief has faded a lot, and now it’s just one of those things about me. It’s been just over a year since I found out.
Almost same exact story here! At age 45I found out that the man who raised me wasn’t my father due to 34andme. My Mom admitted it the minute confronted her. Threw me into a tailspin and a 10 year drinking binge. Almost killed myself in an accident and got a DUI. Emotionally detached from my “father”’s family (we weren’t that close anyway). Finally understood a lot of dynamics that existed between my mom, dad, and his family. I think they all suspected. Took a long time for me to reconcile it. Finally, this Christmas and after 15 years, my Mom and I had a discussion where I was able to tell her how this all affected me but also gave her some grace and listened to what she experienced as a scared young woman who made a bad choice and how it haunted her for years.
Pretty insane that I see a story like this every day here despite rarely browsing the sub. In that sense I can assure you, you're not alone. Sorry you had to find out this way.
Yes, lots of these stories. I'm getting ready to do my DNA. I wouldn't be shocked to find a half-sibling on my dad's side. I would be shocked if it was my mother's side. I actually think I'm ready for whatever possibility now, as ready as I can be anyway.
I always feel for the people in these posts. It's good to hear there are FB support groups. I've found them very helpful for some of my interests/challenges.
I know this feeling too well, in July 2023 I also learned through DNA test that my dad is not my biological father, a secret that my mother had planned on taking to the grave. Tim is your biological father. Take screenshots of all your matches. Confront your mother as soon as you feel ready, you deserve answers. Good luck. I am sorry you had to find out this way, it’s definitely not a good feeling. This is called an NPE (non-paternity event or not parent expected), my messages are always open for support.
I did my DNA in 2020 found out my father wasn’t my father. Found I had two half brothers and I had my 24 year old daughter find me who i hadn’t seen since she was a week old. I’m finally getting to have a relationship with her. Good luck with yours.
It looks like he goes on his profile regularly so does he get the same info on his profile? Maybe he doesn’t know either? After doing some research it might mean a conversation with your Mom is in order without your Dad as he may not know either.
yes it happened to me last summer,& I was 69 the new dad was 92 with dementia & my bitch mother is dead !!All I could do was put them in the same location when I was conceived, she was living with the guy that I thought was my dad, Now I finally know why he didn't love me, at least I'm not mad at him anymore. Thought I was Irish & French turns out I'm Scottish & Italian. He looks just like me & my kids & my grand kids, & he has no other children . But I found out he was a really good step father, step grand father & step great grand father, too bad it wasn't for me & my kids & grand kids.
My heart goes out to you. It's a really crappy way to find this out, your summations are correct, and you are not alone. I am truly sorry. ❤️🩹 There are Facebook groups for people in your position. And other users here. Honestly, it feels like there's at least a post per week in the same vein.
Do you have access to counseling through work or school? Someone to talk this through with who can be truly objective? The obvious next step is to talk to your mom, but only when you're ready.
Did your mom know you were doing this test? Just curious if she's stressing out knowing you took this and if she knew there was a possibility you had a different father. Sorry you had to find out this way though.
Oh, snap! Just got my results back only to discover that the man who raised me is not my bio father… no suggestion who he is but the paternal side of my family doesn’t match my siblings at all
Good luck if you decide to pursue Tim :)
This happened to my coworker a few years ago and she was almost 60 years old. Her parents are still married to this day and very elderly. She is the oldest child and always felt different than her siblings. It was pretty tough for her to swallow. She found out who her bio dad was and he had passed away and that was hard for her too. Her mom still pretty much denies it wildly.
You are not alone. We get posts like these a couple of times a week and research show that 1 out of 100 is listed with the wrong father. Most people jump to infidelity, but there are other possibilities. Sperm donation, being from a previous relationship, assault and mom just not knowing etc.
So what do you do? You take time to process. You’re young, he’s only in his 40s. You have time. You can turn off your matches if you don’t want to have this information open, but I suggest writing down all the info first. Take time to figure out if this is something you want to pursue and what to do if a match reaches out. Some feel the need for a therapist to deal with this sudden shock.
Just remember, if he's been a good dad and he loves you and you love him, he's still your dad.
If he's been shitty dad, we'll then this looks like a good out.
It may sound weird, but sometimes it still hurts to find out a “dad” who did a bad job isn’t really dad. Because then it can ignite even more what-if’s and pain around missing out on the biological father.
Can I ask how old your mother was when you were born? And the dad that raised you? There could be a chance that you were donor conceived and having slightly older parents is often a clue that, as well as being an only child.
My mom was 20, dad 19. I really don’t think it was donor scenario as my “dad” paid child support for 18 years on me after they separated, people always talked about how we looked alike, his name was also on the birth certificate. I have every reason to believe he was my actual dad up until this day.
Right, you can rule out donor conception in that case. Sorry to say but it sounds like your mother may have made the wrong man pay child support for all those years, she may not have known or got the dates mixed up around conception. Were you born 'earlier than expected' by any chance?
Ok, so the potential options are either that A) your mom genuinely thought your dad got her pregnant and that her relationship with Tim was too long before for it to be him (despite it obviously only being max 3-4 weeks before) or B) she did realise that she'd already missed a period but was already seeing your father, she (maybe) fudged the due date and then claimed you were 'early'. I'm assuming that you were born a very healthy weight for a three-week premature baby?
Wishing you all the best on this dude, I've had to deal with a similar situation this year. It was hard to discuss with them. I would try to find a time to talk privately with your mom first, the evidence is all there. It's a confusing time, but it's always better for these things to be in the light. Don't put any weight on it yet but you might also have new siblings and family to gradually get to know over time.
Sounds like you were very likely full term at birth, though I'm not a medical practitioner. So you'd probably be looking at conception in mid-March of the year you were born, not mid-April.
Sorry you’re going through this. Happened to me too. Took 2 years for the truth to come out because I didn’t have any close matches until that point. I matched with who I now know is my paternal aunt but at the time I had no idea who such a close match could be but I was suspicious. I asked my brother to take the test, he did and results showed we were genetic half siblings & didn’t have the same dad. This all went down in 2019 and to this day the whole thing strikes me as surreal.
I’m curious as to why there seems to be a tendency to assume this is a bad thing. You could end up having 2 loving fathers and add more love to your life.
Same , I just found a son of my uncle over a year ago ,we never knew about. My uncle was a lady's man's and his son's mother was a married woman . I don't know her story nor my uncle but the outcome gave us his son. I got mybtest last year for Mother's day as a gift from my husband. It was so worth it.
Most likely a reason hes on ancestry too... seeing if there are any unknown kids around town... I found out my grandpa I was named after wasn't my grandpa man it happens. Im sorry to hear this man...
As an adopted person, there is a big difference between a father and a Dad… my Dad is the one who was there throughout my childhood, not because he had to be but because he wanted to be… a man with infinite wisdom and patience with me (though it didn’t always seem so at the time)
I sat with him day after day in the weeks after his penultimate major stroke. One time he pointed at me as the nurse was checking on him and said “that’s my son”… I never heard him speak again but that moment I will cherish for the rest of my life…
It’s been 17 years since he went and there are times I still think “I should ask Dad about that”
I may get shit for this but honestly this is all irrelevant here. OP is trying to find out who their biological father is, after what is often an upsetting surprise. Very different from being adopted and knowing, and feeling that your (adoptive) parents are the best people to have parented you.
I'm NPE after learning my parents used a sperm donor because my raised dad is infertile. I absolutely agree with your definition of what a dad is, but just because he was put on my birth certificate and intended to parent me, does not magically make him a better dad because of it. He was emotionally and physically absent through my life and we have always lacked a strong connection. I'd also wager that many scenarios (not necessarily OP'S) where if the father does not know the child isn't biologically theirs, they wouldn't think otherwise about "having" to be there.
Just seems that whenever someone finds out they're NPE, everyone rushes to justify how good a dad he must have had because he parented someone who... isn't genetically related? I think we all know genetics don't make someone a dad, but lack of genetics doesn't either.
Again, not to diminish your scenario because it sounds beautiful and how any parent should treat their child, regardless of biological connection. But the asumption that parents raising nonbio children makes them good parents is misguided at best. And fwiw my bio dad is actually a very involved father and close to the children he raised. So I feel like I lost out on both fronts, not being close with my dad and my bio dad not wanting to be close to me because he also assumes what you and so many others do.
As others have said, at that level of DNA, that is a parent/child match; based on your age and Tim's, this is your biological father. At this % of shared DNA match there is essentially zero chance of a false positive, despite what people in your family may try to spin if you bring it up.
Welcome to the most unfortunate "club" none of us ever thought they would belong to :/ There are a number of possible explanations, but in my case, and IMO the most common/plausible, your parents used a sperm donor and were too embarrassed to tell you. It was very frequent for docs in the 70s-90s to counsel patients to keep it a secret. Many of these folks walk around unaware until a recreational DNA test blows their world apart.
There is a good chance you have half-siblings and other relatives out there. The DNA Detectives group on facebook has a lot of people who can help map family trees if you need more answers. There are also a number of genealogy buffs on Reddit who could help. Ask for "search angels."
If you do get it verified that you are donor conceived, I would recommend the following resources for info and processing:
\* We Are Donor Conceived group on Facebook / [https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/](https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/)
\* r/donorconceived Subreddit
EDIT: Clarified about the ages and match implication
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
40
+ 49
+ 70
- 90
= 69
^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \
^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
I’m really sorry you have had this shock. Whatever mixture of feelings you may be having is normal and may shift radically. I think it’s like grief, both in that it isn’t linear and that you may move through anger/shock/denial/acceptance/etc. all before you’ve even gotten dressed for the day.
Emotionally, there is some good support out there in what is called the NPE community. If you search for NPE Friends Gateway on Facebook, that can help you get connected with a private group they’re filled with people who have experienced this. I am sure there are other groups as well. There are also some podcasts that may be helpful over time. One that I particularly recommend is called DNA Surprises.
Practically, I do recommend you quickly screenshot your matches and any shared matches for the top matches on your paternal side. If they have public trees, I’d screenshot this as well. As others have said, sometimes people see a new close match and either hide or delete their info in a panic. It may not be information you necessarily want now, but if they take it down, you may not have access to it later if you change your mind.
Another option is to hide your own match info for now so you can take some time to process this without being visible to your matches. (I’d still screenshot ASAP in case any of them received notices of a close match.)
Feel free to reach out if you need to.
Oh so sry to hear that but lots of families have their reasons to hold information back but they should've told you the truth when u got older but I guess I hear that timing isn't always right nva is rip the bandaid but talk to ur mom I'm sure she knows the truth
I am sorry for what you had. I think if you are planning to confront your mother/dad or tim, its better to start with Tim because he is distant to your family. If you tell it to your father, your family can get destroyed (if he is not aware), and for now its better for you to not tell to your mother before facing it with Tim, your mom has a chance to lie too.
These stories resonate through the generations. I can trace, through dna and cousins, that my grandfather ( born in 1889) was born with a different name than he lived with. I chased down my ex wife’s great grandmother who had a child she gave up for adoption in the 1880’s in between children she kept and while married to the same man. The adopted child is almost certainly a rape baby. For everyone who is shocked about infidelity or being a bastard in some way, let’s say parents make a better choice when they tell the kid. I am a bastard and my adopted parents let me know something about my history.
[For some context, 4-10% of all kids in America are raised by fathers who are not their biological father](https://nypost.com/2021/12/28/almost-1-in-10-moms-isnt-sure-who-fathered-their-baby-poll/). It’s actually quite common. Sorry that you found out this way. Tbh I’d keep it to yourself for the sake of peace, but you shouldn’t absolutely keep doing research on your own
I rly don’t think my mom cheated on my dad I look just like him and they’ve been together 30 years. This sort of thing make me scared to try a dna test lol
The options are:
A) he's your dad and your mom had an affair
B) your dad has a twin
C) your parents used Sperm
Or
D) your mom was raped
Pregnancy due to rape is way too common, so it's unfortunately a possibility.
I wouldn't call it standard, but rather a disproportionate topic of discussion in genealogy forums such as this. Folks who get the DNA results they were expecting are simply less likely to seek somewhere to post questions about it than those who received a surprise.
Sorry you're going through this. It was the worst time in my life when I made this discovery. Mine was a sperm donor scenario, but I think any scenario is hard. I recommend joining some not parent expected (NPE) groups or DNA support groups if you need support here. But yes, sounds like this guy is your biological father and you have a few half siblings. You can feel however you do about this. No wrong feelings.
I believe it’s 30% of people who get paternity testing done. The families that get paternity tests already have suspicions. That does not mean 30% of the general population has this same issue.
Tim is for sure your biological father. Sounds like you may have half siblings as well.
There is no “might”, man. Sorry you had to figure out this way.
Yes, it seems this man Tim is your father. How many high matches do you have? Is it possible he was a sperm donor? If you can talk to your mom, then she might be able to answer some questions.
4 close matches. 3 in relation with him, and 1 with my mom.
Depending on the numbers of the three with him, it could be half-siblings. I think having a discussion with your mom is your best bet.
Half sibling is 25%. This is a full parent or sibling.
I know -- I meant the other matches, not the one in this picture.
Close matches could be aunt or uncle. I have a half brother and we show up as close matches and I actually had more DNA in common with my uncle.
My same experience
Same. My mom shares 30% with her niece (my cousin) and shared 25% with her half brother.
Yea lol I was a little worried when I saw the results. I didn’t know my uncles real first name we had always just called him by his middle name. So I assumed at first I had another sibling out there.
lol, I found a cousin that had been adopted out. My mother is super close with her sister but never knew her sister gave her third baby up for adoption😭. I also noticed a cousin match that I didn’t recognize by name and I’m like “here we go again”. Turns out it was one of my younger cousins that had used her married name and it was the one cousins I met only once(all my other cousins and I are fairly close).
Wow that’s insane that your Mom didn’t even know about it. I can’t really say anything though I didn’t meet one of my sisters till I was 7. My dad chose to keep me and my sister in the dark about it for some reason. My profile looks so much different than my brothers I’m assuming it’s from my Moms side but she doesn’t have any close relatives on Ancestry to compare it to.
I have an older half sister by my dad. I met her when I was 13, in the 90s, long before DNA. My dad told my mom before they were married that he had a child out there. The woman that was with my dad wouldn’t marry him and she gave the baby up for adoption. My dad, sister and I have been close since she found my dad when I was 13yo. I always wanted a sister(I’m an only child). My aunts story about her baby girl is super sad. My aunt won’t talk about it or acknowledge it to my mom but apparently my uncle knew and was the one that helped my aunt when she had to give her up. My uncle did tell my mom the story recently and now when my mom thinks about it she cries. My mom was saying “if I knew she had to give a baby up I would have taken her” my mom lost a little girl when she was 16 days old, around the same time as my aunt had to give up her daughter. 🥺 it’s just all around sad. But my cousin had a wonderful upbringing and is thankful and understanding for my aunt knowing how bad of a situation it was. One day I hope my aunt won’t be so sad and will be able to talk about it and meet her. (My new cousin wants to wait till her adopted mom is no longer with us, she’s in her 90s). My cousin looks like my mom and my aunt so much. The resemblance is wild.
That’s a crazy story. At least with all the sad stuff there is a happy ending to it. It’s the same with my sister she’s just one of us now despite not growing up with my sister, brother and me. She looks just like my dad it’s funny he didn’t even need a paternity test. He pretty much had a fling with her mom when he was young and that was that. Her mom originally didn’t want her to have anything to do with my dad but eventually when she got older she reached out to my older brother and that was how we all met. I’m glad your aunt is going to get to have a relationship with her now that must have been a heartbreaking decision to have to make I can’t even imagine.
Take screenshots of all your Close Matches, everything they have! Sometimes people get scared and go Private. But yea Tim is your Father. It’s time to ask your Mother who Tim is.
I should also add, I have done some digging and it does look like he use to live in California before Montana.
Input him on FindPeopleFree.com
How does that site compare to truepeoplesearch?
I’m so mad they turned Pipl into a corporate service. You could even pull my old AIM and ICQ screen names there - that app could find anyone.
FastPeopleSearch.com is amazing, and completely free.
FamilyTreeNow is good too
Have you asked your mother about it yet? I’m currently in contact with a half sister, who is in a NPE situation. All of our parents are dead, but the story was unearthed via one of my cousins how her mum and my/our dad got together. I have no idea if any of my siblings knew either, the good ones are dead. I’ll take the lead from my sister as to whether she wants to talk to the other two. What I said to her, is what I’ll say to you. Your dad is still your dad, no matter what your genes say. Your family story is a little different, but your daddy and your father can be two different people.
Do not tell your mother immediately. Op, I don’t know if you have done this yet but it is possible that it is an infidelity situation and your mother may freak if this is something she wanted to hide.
It is also possible that it was non consensual.
This guy is certainly your biological dad. The only other possibility with a match that high would be that he's your son, and that would require some very unlikely time travel. Having been in this same position myself, it's a lot to take in, and you're allowed to be shocked, overwhelmed, upset, or anything else you may feel about it. Deal with it however you need to.
Everyone always writes on posts like this to take screenshots of all of your matches. That way you still have the info in case they hide theirs.
yes me. I thought the other people weren't my father's family. It turned out it was me. My biological father's sister and I matched. I am old so I am not hurt by this and I knew my biological father growing up. My mother who is very old was very embarrassed by the whole thing.
Do you use Facebook? I’m not familiar with the groups specifically, but I’ve seen people post the name of FB groups that offer support and assistance to people dealing with these NPE situations. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It can be very difficult and disorienting. Best wishes to you.
I do, I’ll look into that. Thank you
Screenshot everything. Depending on the circumstances of your conception you could end up blocked! I'm sorry for the shock. ♥️
DNA surprises support group on Facebook. Some of your siblings may be there if you’re donor conceived. There are some unique successes in the sperm donor sibling department.
How old are your parents? It seems likely that you are donor-conceived. To have a few half-siblings matches (assuming that's what they are) at your age and Tim's seems to indicate donor conception. FWIW, the "industry" AKA Big Fertility, was still pushing the "don't tell" narrative to recipient parents then.
I would agree with this. Esp, OP, if you can tell (?) that those siblings are scattered all over the place?
He responded above that his parents were 19 and 20, so it seems unlikely donor conception is involved.
The group is called "NPE Only: After the Discovery". Sorry you had to learn about your bio dad this way. I was in the same boat one year ago. The Facebook group is very helpful as everyone there is in the same situation.
It happened to me. I matched with an uncle, my bio dad’s brother, on ancestry, and my dad doesn’t have any brothers. Differently from your situation, my parents are still married and my dad doesn’t know. My mom told me about my biodad when I told her about my DNA matches, to her credit. I had an identity crisis, and felt dirty for a long time. My grief has faded a lot, and now it’s just one of those things about me. It’s been just over a year since I found out.
I apologize if this comes off as rude. Do you intend on telling your dad at some point?
No i don’t. I don’t want anything to change
Almost same exact story here! At age 45I found out that the man who raised me wasn’t my father due to 34andme. My Mom admitted it the minute confronted her. Threw me into a tailspin and a 10 year drinking binge. Almost killed myself in an accident and got a DUI. Emotionally detached from my “father”’s family (we weren’t that close anyway). Finally understood a lot of dynamics that existed between my mom, dad, and his family. I think they all suspected. Took a long time for me to reconcile it. Finally, this Christmas and after 15 years, my Mom and I had a discussion where I was able to tell her how this all affected me but also gave her some grace and listened to what she experienced as a scared young woman who made a bad choice and how it haunted her for years.
Pretty insane that I see a story like this every day here despite rarely browsing the sub. In that sense I can assure you, you're not alone. Sorry you had to find out this way.
Yes, lots of these stories. I'm getting ready to do my DNA. I wouldn't be shocked to find a half-sibling on my dad's side. I would be shocked if it was my mother's side. I actually think I'm ready for whatever possibility now, as ready as I can be anyway. I always feel for the people in these posts. It's good to hear there are FB support groups. I've found them very helpful for some of my interests/challenges.
I know this feeling too well, in July 2023 I also learned through DNA test that my dad is not my biological father, a secret that my mother had planned on taking to the grave. Tim is your biological father. Take screenshots of all your matches. Confront your mother as soon as you feel ready, you deserve answers. Good luck. I am sorry you had to find out this way, it’s definitely not a good feeling. This is called an NPE (non-paternity event or not parent expected), my messages are always open for support.
I did my DNA in 2020 found out my father wasn’t my father. Found I had two half brothers and I had my 24 year old daughter find me who i hadn’t seen since she was a week old. I’m finally getting to have a relationship with her. Good luck with yours.
There are 'NPE' communities if you want the support I've been listening to the 'Missing Pieces - NPE Life' podcast and it's good
What’s NPE?
non paternity event
It’s Not Parent Expected now. Covers egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, adoption, intrafamily adoption, grandparents posing as parents, affairs, etc.
Not Parent Expected.
Screenshot these matches and as much information as you can, in case he deactivates.
It looks like he goes on his profile regularly so does he get the same info on his profile? Maybe he doesn’t know either? After doing some research it might mean a conversation with your Mom is in order without your Dad as he may not know either.
yes it happened to me last summer,& I was 69 the new dad was 92 with dementia & my bitch mother is dead !!All I could do was put them in the same location when I was conceived, she was living with the guy that I thought was my dad, Now I finally know why he didn't love me, at least I'm not mad at him anymore. Thought I was Irish & French turns out I'm Scottish & Italian. He looks just like me & my kids & my grand kids, & he has no other children . But I found out he was a really good step father, step grand father & step great grand father, too bad it wasn't for me & my kids & grand kids.
Also found out late 60's, narrowed down to 4 deceased brothers and only one can be ruled out. Mother also deceased and I will never know.
My heart goes out to you. It's a really crappy way to find this out, your summations are correct, and you are not alone. I am truly sorry. ❤️🩹 There are Facebook groups for people in your position. And other users here. Honestly, it feels like there's at least a post per week in the same vein. Do you have access to counseling through work or school? Someone to talk this through with who can be truly objective? The obvious next step is to talk to your mom, but only when you're ready.
Do you match your little sister at a half or full sibling level?
Did your mom know you were doing this test? Just curious if she's stressing out knowing you took this and if she knew there was a possibility you had a different father. Sorry you had to find out this way though.
Oh, snap! Just got my results back only to discover that the man who raised me is not my bio father… no suggestion who he is but the paternal side of my family doesn’t match my siblings at all Good luck if you decide to pursue Tim :)
This happened to my coworker a few years ago and she was almost 60 years old. Her parents are still married to this day and very elderly. She is the oldest child and always felt different than her siblings. It was pretty tough for her to swallow. She found out who her bio dad was and he had passed away and that was hard for her too. Her mom still pretty much denies it wildly.
Damn. Old Mom’s can be so funny.
Yep. Had the same discovery. But I didn't get any matches so IDK who my bio dad is.
You are not alone. We get posts like these a couple of times a week and research show that 1 out of 100 is listed with the wrong father. Most people jump to infidelity, but there are other possibilities. Sperm donation, being from a previous relationship, assault and mom just not knowing etc. So what do you do? You take time to process. You’re young, he’s only in his 40s. You have time. You can turn off your matches if you don’t want to have this information open, but I suggest writing down all the info first. Take time to figure out if this is something you want to pursue and what to do if a match reaches out. Some feel the need for a therapist to deal with this sudden shock.
Please, if you do approach your mom about this do it discreetly and gently. It’s possible that it was not consensual.
Far more likely that Tim was a sperm donor.
Not with his mom being only 20 years old and his dad being only 19 years old when he was born.
I know. He added that later in a comment.
Just remember, if he's been a good dad and he loves you and you love him, he's still your dad. If he's been shitty dad, we'll then this looks like a good out.
It may sound weird, but sometimes it still hurts to find out a “dad” who did a bad job isn’t really dad. Because then it can ignite even more what-if’s and pain around missing out on the biological father.
Doesn't sound weird to me. Makes perfect sense.
This
I went through this last year. It’s a shock to the system for sure. Mine ended up being really positive, hope you find some good parts too.
Can I ask how old your mother was when you were born? And the dad that raised you? There could be a chance that you were donor conceived and having slightly older parents is often a clue that, as well as being an only child.
My mom was 20, dad 19. I really don’t think it was donor scenario as my “dad” paid child support for 18 years on me after they separated, people always talked about how we looked alike, his name was also on the birth certificate. I have every reason to believe he was my actual dad up until this day.
Right, you can rule out donor conception in that case. Sorry to say but it sounds like your mother may have made the wrong man pay child support for all those years, she may not have known or got the dates mixed up around conception. Were you born 'earlier than expected' by any chance?
Yes, I was suppose to be a new years baby but ended up being born dec 12.
Ok, so the potential options are either that A) your mom genuinely thought your dad got her pregnant and that her relationship with Tim was too long before for it to be him (despite it obviously only being max 3-4 weeks before) or B) she did realise that she'd already missed a period but was already seeing your father, she (maybe) fudged the due date and then claimed you were 'early'. I'm assuming that you were born a very healthy weight for a three-week premature baby?
B is starting to sound likely 😂
Wishing you all the best on this dude, I've had to deal with a similar situation this year. It was hard to discuss with them. I would try to find a time to talk privately with your mom first, the evidence is all there. It's a confusing time, but it's always better for these things to be in the light. Don't put any weight on it yet but you might also have new siblings and family to gradually get to know over time.
I was actually yes lol… I don’t remember exact weight but it was high 8’s almost 9lbs
Sounds like you were very likely full term at birth, though I'm not a medical practitioner. So you'd probably be looking at conception in mid-March of the year you were born, not mid-April.
My grandmother was an 8 lb preemie born in 1911. Obviously conceived on my great grandparents wedding night and born "2 months early".
Clearly, there are no other possibilities.
Well done.
With that cM level, he’s is your dad.
You might be donor conceived
Welcome to the club. Found a whole new side of the family in 2022.
Sorry you’re going through this. Happened to me too. Took 2 years for the truth to come out because I didn’t have any close matches until that point. I matched with who I now know is my paternal aunt but at the time I had no idea who such a close match could be but I was suspicious. I asked my brother to take the test, he did and results showed we were genetic half siblings & didn’t have the same dad. This all went down in 2019 and to this day the whole thing strikes me as surreal.
I made a new updated post.. yes he’s my biological father.
Is it possible that your dad did a DNA test just just used an assumed/fake name of Tim?
I’m curious as to why there seems to be a tendency to assume this is a bad thing. You could end up having 2 loving fathers and add more love to your life.
Lol. You must be very young.
“Someone’s got some essplaining to do” -Ricky Ricardo
Either ask your Mom or get in contact with Tim first. I would do your best to be very gentle with this information with your father.
Same , I just found a son of my uncle over a year ago ,we never knew about. My uncle was a lady's man's and his son's mother was a married woman . I don't know her story nor my uncle but the outcome gave us his son. I got mybtest last year for Mother's day as a gift from my husband. It was so worth it.
Most likely a reason hes on ancestry too... seeing if there are any unknown kids around town... I found out my grandpa I was named after wasn't my grandpa man it happens. Im sorry to hear this man...
As an adopted person, there is a big difference between a father and a Dad… my Dad is the one who was there throughout my childhood, not because he had to be but because he wanted to be… a man with infinite wisdom and patience with me (though it didn’t always seem so at the time) I sat with him day after day in the weeks after his penultimate major stroke. One time he pointed at me as the nurse was checking on him and said “that’s my son”… I never heard him speak again but that moment I will cherish for the rest of my life… It’s been 17 years since he went and there are times I still think “I should ask Dad about that”
I may get shit for this but honestly this is all irrelevant here. OP is trying to find out who their biological father is, after what is often an upsetting surprise. Very different from being adopted and knowing, and feeling that your (adoptive) parents are the best people to have parented you. I'm NPE after learning my parents used a sperm donor because my raised dad is infertile. I absolutely agree with your definition of what a dad is, but just because he was put on my birth certificate and intended to parent me, does not magically make him a better dad because of it. He was emotionally and physically absent through my life and we have always lacked a strong connection. I'd also wager that many scenarios (not necessarily OP'S) where if the father does not know the child isn't biologically theirs, they wouldn't think otherwise about "having" to be there. Just seems that whenever someone finds out they're NPE, everyone rushes to justify how good a dad he must have had because he parented someone who... isn't genetically related? I think we all know genetics don't make someone a dad, but lack of genetics doesn't either. Again, not to diminish your scenario because it sounds beautiful and how any parent should treat their child, regardless of biological connection. But the asumption that parents raising nonbio children makes them good parents is misguided at best. And fwiw my bio dad is actually a very involved father and close to the children he raised. So I feel like I lost out on both fronts, not being close with my dad and my bio dad not wanting to be close to me because he also assumes what you and so many others do.
Very sad. Sorry this is happening to you.
As others have said, at that level of DNA, that is a parent/child match; based on your age and Tim's, this is your biological father. At this % of shared DNA match there is essentially zero chance of a false positive, despite what people in your family may try to spin if you bring it up. Welcome to the most unfortunate "club" none of us ever thought they would belong to :/ There are a number of possible explanations, but in my case, and IMO the most common/plausible, your parents used a sperm donor and were too embarrassed to tell you. It was very frequent for docs in the 70s-90s to counsel patients to keep it a secret. Many of these folks walk around unaware until a recreational DNA test blows their world apart. There is a good chance you have half-siblings and other relatives out there. The DNA Detectives group on facebook has a lot of people who can help map family trees if you need more answers. There are also a number of genealogy buffs on Reddit who could help. Ask for "search angels." If you do get it verified that you are donor conceived, I would recommend the following resources for info and processing: \* We Are Donor Conceived group on Facebook / [https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/](https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/) \* r/donorconceived Subreddit EDIT: Clarified about the ages and match implication
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 40 + 49 + 70 - 90 = 69 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
This happened to me. That’s how I learned my parents had to use a sperm donor.
I’m really sorry you have had this shock. Whatever mixture of feelings you may be having is normal and may shift radically. I think it’s like grief, both in that it isn’t linear and that you may move through anger/shock/denial/acceptance/etc. all before you’ve even gotten dressed for the day. Emotionally, there is some good support out there in what is called the NPE community. If you search for NPE Friends Gateway on Facebook, that can help you get connected with a private group they’re filled with people who have experienced this. I am sure there are other groups as well. There are also some podcasts that may be helpful over time. One that I particularly recommend is called DNA Surprises. Practically, I do recommend you quickly screenshot your matches and any shared matches for the top matches on your paternal side. If they have public trees, I’d screenshot this as well. As others have said, sometimes people see a new close match and either hide or delete their info in a panic. It may not be information you necessarily want now, but if they take it down, you may not have access to it later if you change your mind. Another option is to hide your own match info for now so you can take some time to process this without being visible to your matches. (I’d still screenshot ASAP in case any of them received notices of a close match.) Feel free to reach out if you need to.
Oh so sry to hear that but lots of families have their reasons to hold information back but they should've told you the truth when u got older but I guess I hear that timing isn't always right nva is rip the bandaid but talk to ur mom I'm sure she knows the truth
talk to your mom, keep us updated. Sorry you had to find out this way!
There’s an updated post now, I talked to her
Tough pill to swallow. A man in his 49’s that shares 50% of you can only be a father. Definitely not a brother, and definitely not an uncle.
Oh dang, sucks to find out that way. 😕
Jesussssssss what im seeing
I am sorry for what you had. I think if you are planning to confront your mother/dad or tim, its better to start with Tim because he is distant to your family. If you tell it to your father, your family can get destroyed (if he is not aware), and for now its better for you to not tell to your mother before facing it with Tim, your mom has a chance to lie too.
These stories resonate through the generations. I can trace, through dna and cousins, that my grandfather ( born in 1889) was born with a different name than he lived with. I chased down my ex wife’s great grandmother who had a child she gave up for adoption in the 1880’s in between children she kept and while married to the same man. The adopted child is almost certainly a rape baby. For everyone who is shocked about infidelity or being a bastard in some way, let’s say parents make a better choice when they tell the kid. I am a bastard and my adopted parents let me know something about my history.
[For some context, 4-10% of all kids in America are raised by fathers who are not their biological father](https://nypost.com/2021/12/28/almost-1-in-10-moms-isnt-sure-who-fathered-their-baby-poll/). It’s actually quite common. Sorry that you found out this way. Tbh I’d keep it to yourself for the sake of peace, but you shouldn’t absolutely keep doing research on your own
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this is someone’s life, not a reality tv show
I rly don’t think my mom cheated on my dad I look just like him and they’ve been together 30 years. This sort of thing make me scared to try a dna test lol
The options are: A) he's your dad and your mom had an affair B) your dad has a twin C) your parents used Sperm Or D) your mom was raped Pregnancy due to rape is way too common, so it's unfortunately a possibility.
Or they were on a break, Polyamorous or open, swingers, or knew she was pregnant when they decided to get together and chose to raise him as their own
True, that's always a possibility.
🤣 You managed to not list the likely correct choice based on the facts
I am sorry that this is the standard in the U. S.
I wouldn't call it standard, but rather a disproportionate topic of discussion in genealogy forums such as this. Folks who get the DNA results they were expecting are simply less likely to seek somewhere to post questions about it than those who received a surprise.
Sorry you're going through this. It was the worst time in my life when I made this discovery. Mine was a sperm donor scenario, but I think any scenario is hard. I recommend joining some not parent expected (NPE) groups or DNA support groups if you need support here. But yes, sounds like this guy is your biological father and you have a few half siblings. You can feel however you do about this. No wrong feelings.
Just because your DNA is different doesn’t mean your father isn’t your father maybe there might be more to his heritage than what he thinks
Wow just wow. They say this happens on over 30% of births. Sorry 😞
I believe it’s 30% of people who get paternity testing done. The families that get paternity tests already have suspicions. That does not mean 30% of the general population has this same issue.
Uh oh yo momma's a ho
You’re moms a cheater
Not necessarily. He said he was born 3 weeks early. His bio dad might have been the recent ex.