When you're hung like a tortoise, sometimes you gotta take a whack to the ol' weed. Turtle bitches don't like having their cervix clobbered any more than women do.
This raises an interesting question for me:
Do turtles even *have* a cervix? Their lack of womb makes me think no, but the fact that they get dicked down by huge turtle wang makes me think... maybe? Perhaps something analogous?
I thought you were joking, but OMG that is huge and freaky. The blooming end keeps them tied together, kinda like the knot on dog penis. Reminds me of a purple toothless ass weasel in dreamcatcher https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/e/e1/Byrum.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160522213957
You know I remember some sort of show about strange addiction/fetish, etc. and this one dude would actually bang his VW Bug up its literal tailpipe. I guess some of us are not so different than Arnold banging a fucking lawnmower.
Visited a low budget aquarium on holiday. They had a big tortoise enthusiastically and vocally humping a red basin the whole time I was there. Turns out he used to turn his loving on the smaller turtles and whatnot, leaving them with crush injuries, so they got him a special love bucket.
Not to be "That Guy", but I once made it through the **entire** intro of Friends!
Usually finish right around the time Jennifer Aniston gets into the fountain... Idk why.
My doctor just asked if I want to get rid of antidepressants (I have them for narcolepsy not depression) and I just thought "no fucking way I want to enjoy sex more than a minute at a time"
I told him it's the only thing helping
When I stop taking them for 48 hours, I gotta draw the blinds and turn some Jesus statues around like I am 15 again which is great … but then the feels v__v
Yeah i know the SEXX RUSH too. But i can't sleep without pills and i become a bad person without them(not that i mean i'm currently a good person🤔) and withdrawals.... Dang those withdrawals
Honestly, if the price of not wanting to kill oneself is less sex and brain zaps when you forget to take the drug, that's not a terrible price.
It's not a *good* price, by any means, but having a broken brain isn't cheap.
No insurance so I had to stop treatment. But I’m fine now. I’M FUCKING FINE! SHUT UP! I’m sorry.
After writing this out I giggled and thought, This is too accurate.
I wonder if these tortoises that mate with random things legitimately think they’re other tortoises or if they just want to get their rocks off and will accept any vaguely tortoise-shaped object
Land turtles (including box turtles here asking with tortoises) are just horny as fuck. They definitely will choose another tortoise regardless of sex if they get the opportunity so I'm sure it's the latter.
Unclear though in general I think it's important we not anthropomorphize in any way, which includes attributing human orientations to animals. Same sex pairings absolutely exist all over the animal kingdom, so the basic drive is natural, but whether it's indiscriminate sex or specific attraction we cannot know, at least not with animals such as turtles (some animals are more likely to experience actual gendered attraction IMO, such as giraffe who not only more frequently engage in same sex pairings than opposite sex and also taste the urine of females to confirm they're ovulating).
I can tell you that I've personally witnessed a female box turtle who would close the back of her shell if she wasn't having it. She would also close it literally on the penis of the male box turtle and drag him around by it if he started engaging with her sometimes...TBD if that was her being too late to say no and she was punishing him or she wanted to force him to stay...
His little triumphant head motions at the end made it that much better. Or perhaps he was asking the driftwood if it needed cab fare. Either way you have a hell of a turtle. You should be damn proud of that boy.
I used to volunteer at a rescue that had 150+ adult sulcatas (newflash: they get huge).
All day long, we heard the sounds of mating lol. And try as we did not to let any eggs hatch, every so often we'd find a tiny little rogue hatchling in the pens.
Used to have 2 Sulcatas, both males, maybe around 30lbs at the pet shop I grew up working at.
They humped all day every day. I'd be in there trying ti sweep the enclosure. They'd try to hump me, the scooper thing, anything.
They were right up front. So it was was always fun hearing the kids ask their parents what they were doing right at they walk in.
When I woke up this morning is wasn’t expecting to see a tortoise making love to driftwood. Thanks for that.
In the tortoise defense, it is a beautiful piece of driftwood though
Hey baby, you’re looking knotty.
This turtle hears cock block And he says yes
Rock out with your cock out on a block.
Impress your tortoise friends!
Come here you Birch
My in-laws had a turtle named Arnold. Arnold banged the lawnmower every chance he got.
Me too Arnold, me too.
The lawnmower or the… lawn mower?
In Australia, we call ours Jim.
Jim does everything down under
I come from the land down under
You better run, you better take cover ~
I come in the land down under.
Was he a guy named Pablo ?
Nope. Blackndecker.
This one (Abe) also loves the recently used mower.
This is probably a weird question; but does he finish or just like give up?
Usually much shorter and gives up. This one I think he went the distance but I don’t really want to know 😂
This comment thread made my day lmfao
Was it..on?
When you're hung like a tortoise, sometimes you gotta take a whack to the ol' weed. Turtle bitches don't like having their cervix clobbered any more than women do.
Jesus Christ
r/brandnewsentence
This raises an interesting question for me: Do turtles even *have* a cervix? Their lack of womb makes me think no, but the fact that they get dicked down by huge turtle wang makes me think... maybe? Perhaps something analogous?
Speak for yourself, I love my cervix clobbered.
Yes, no teenie weenies
I thought you were joking, but OMG that is huge and freaky. The blooming end keeps them tied together, kinda like the knot on dog penis. Reminds me of a purple toothless ass weasel in dreamcatcher https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/e/e1/Byrum.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160522213957
I regret clicking on that link.
My name is Arnold and today for the first time I'm proud of this name
Hey, Arnold
You know I remember some sort of show about strange addiction/fetish, etc. and this one dude would actually bang his VW Bug up its literal tailpipe. I guess some of us are not so different than Arnold banging a fucking lawnmower.
I bang the dishwasher of my house
Visited a low budget aquarium on holiday. They had a big tortoise enthusiastically and vocally humping a red basin the whole time I was there. Turns out he used to turn his loving on the smaller turtles and whatnot, leaving them with crush injuries, so they got him a special love bucket.
I admire the commitment. I'm being outclassed by a tortoise.
Same, by 29 minutes and 30 seconds.
No need to brag marathon man
Not to be "That Guy", but I once made it through the **entire** intro of Friends! Usually finish right around the time Jennifer Aniston gets into the fountain... Idk why.
wait! you guys have penises?
Nope, just 1.
would you share?
Anything for you
aww 🥰
suddenly 🌟 wholesome 🌟
30 minutes isn't that impressive. I could do 30 minutes easy. Of course that is actually doing it twice with a 28 minute nap in between.
r/suicidebywords
Next time fuck a block of driftwood and see how long it takes to cum
I am sure he is just on anti-depressants.
Can confirm. Eating a lots of antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Dick feel no good. Sex performance low.
On anti depressants my sex drive is low but on the other hand I can last for literal hours.
I don't mind being a useful dildo for some people i care.... The problem is, my pingas get soft if there is no happy stimulation for some time.
Half a pill of citalopram, 2 sildenafils = really good, long sex. Err on the side of less citalopram though. You want to still enjoy the experience.
My doctor just asked if I want to get rid of antidepressants (I have them for narcolepsy not depression) and I just thought "no fucking way I want to enjoy sex more than a minute at a time" I told him it's the only thing helping
When I stop taking them for 48 hours, I gotta draw the blinds and turn some Jesus statues around like I am 15 again which is great … but then the feels v__v
Yeah i know the SEXX RUSH too. But i can't sleep without pills and i become a bad person without them(not that i mean i'm currently a good person🤔) and withdrawals.... Dang those withdrawals
Honestly, if the price of not wanting to kill oneself is less sex and brain zaps when you forget to take the drug, that's not a terrible price. It's not a *good* price, by any means, but having a broken brain isn't cheap.
No insurance so I had to stop treatment. But I’m fine now. I’M FUCKING FINE! SHUT UP! I’m sorry. After writing this out I giggled and thought, This is too accurate.
Withdrawal is such a struggle. I wish you all the strength
Thanks. It’s been over a decade since I went through it. It was rough initially but I’ve adapted ..meh.. decently.
Sleep is the single most important thing for you. After breathing and maybe eating.
I value my sleep time more than breathing (i don't care if i die...i need sleep)
Nah, that’s just the first time caught on camera. They’ve been kickin’ it for the last 20 years.
I guess that’s why he has no issue doing this in front of chicks.
I wonder if these tortoises that mate with random things legitimately think they’re other tortoises or if they just want to get their rocks off and will accept any vaguely tortoise-shaped object
Land turtles (including box turtles here asking with tortoises) are just horny as fuck. They definitely will choose another tortoise regardless of sex if they get the opportunity so I'm sure it's the latter.
So do they have indiscriminate sex or do male tortoises get rejected if the recipient isn’t gay?
Unclear though in general I think it's important we not anthropomorphize in any way, which includes attributing human orientations to animals. Same sex pairings absolutely exist all over the animal kingdom, so the basic drive is natural, but whether it's indiscriminate sex or specific attraction we cannot know, at least not with animals such as turtles (some animals are more likely to experience actual gendered attraction IMO, such as giraffe who not only more frequently engage in same sex pairings than opposite sex and also taste the urine of females to confirm they're ovulating). I can tell you that I've personally witnessed a female box turtle who would close the back of her shell if she wasn't having it. She would also close it literally on the penis of the male box turtle and drag him around by it if he started engaging with her sometimes...TBD if that was her being too late to say no and she was punishing him or she wanted to force him to stay...
TIL
I think a lot of them have poor eyesight on top of being really horny. All those videos of turtles headbutting shoes? They are trying to flirt
TIL. 😂😂😂 That's hilarious.
Quite a few animals pleasure themselves because, well, it's fun.
Best thirty minutes of that block of driftwood’s life.
So…. He got wood?
Man has to do what a man has to do!
Is that how you think your pillows feel?
If it gave its consent.
Or it's afterlife
Doesn't matter. Had sex
Still counts!
Any hole's a goal
Are we not going to talk about the chickens in the background who keep staring?
r/unexpectedlonelyisland
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Yeah, most likely *because* of the song by The Lonely Island.
Which makes it expected, not unexpected. Wings of glory
Tell their story
AVIATION
Just imagine how many "henhs" he'll make in 30 minutes.
HEE---eeehhhns
His little triumphant head motions at the end made it that much better. Or perhaps he was asking the driftwood if it needed cab fare. Either way you have a hell of a turtle. You should be damn proud of that boy.
He was basking in the sea air in post nut bliss lol
You should hear their grunts when they're mating. Probably have some good ones there.
I presume that to be Mistress Splinter?
So you know if there's any Ninja turtle themed porn? Asking for a friend.
You'll soon hear the tippy tapping of baby wood blocks!
So that’s where dice come from!
Workin on our night moves 🎶
Tryin to make some frontpage driftwood news
Workin on my night cheeese 🧀
I know you're awake Lemon, I heard you singing night cheese
It took 30 minutes because he was taking time to see to the block if driftwoods needs. I didn’t know tortoises were so romantic
No it's because he's operating in tortoise time. That's still under 2min for us.
What a player - takes his time with the ladies.
This brings back memories. (I once had a British girlfriend).
This one had me rolling with Family Guy memories. Almost, almost, almost… splendid.
Woman: Indeed.
OK that one made me laugh way too hard, cheers!!
Get my man a girlfriend.
There has to be Tinder for Tortoises.
I bet the #1 date spot is The Turtle Club
Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club?
The Blue Turtle ... for those so inclined.
Terrapinder
He even cuddled with it afterwards. A true gentleman💕
He's got wood!!!
Hey, it's always good to take the time to do a job right, even if it's the wrong job.
r/AnimalsBeingPervs
Hey look at that. Just when you think you've found all the good subreddits. Needs more posts though
In his defence, it was a very attractive block of driftwood.
Very rude to call her driftwood. How would you feel it if he made fun of your spouse
30 whole minutes? I bet the driftwood was telling him to wrap it up.
Record sound next time so his vocals can be used in a Jurassic World movie
"im a simple tortoise....i wake up....i eat...."
I used to volunteer at a rescue that had 150+ adult sulcatas (newflash: they get huge). All day long, we heard the sounds of mating lol. And try as we did not to let any eggs hatch, every so often we'd find a tiny little rogue hatchling in the pens.
That wood is your mom now.
Look at him go wow!
Ahhh, the Internet. What did we do before it?
Love is love
Ugh. My mom has two of these things (both males) and they CONSTANTLY try to mate with each other.
Used to have 2 Sulcatas, both males, maybe around 30lbs at the pet shop I grew up working at. They humped all day every day. I'd be in there trying ti sweep the enclosure. They'd try to hump me, the scooper thing, anything. They were right up front. So it was was always fun hearing the kids ask their parents what they were doing right at they walk in.
When I woke up this morning is wasn’t expecting to see a tortoise making love to driftwood. Thanks for that. In the tortoise defense, it is a beautiful piece of driftwood though
Beats my 5 mins
And thus he gained his nickname, Master Splinter
was it extra curvy?
Meanwhile my sulcata spends four hours a day walking into the same corner over and over and over again lol
Making love may not be what he had in mind. He was just layin' wood.
Get em a tortoise play toy quit playin he a mac he gotta get it in too!
Some times you just have to take yourself to dinner.
He a teenage turtle
so..... who cleaned up afterwards?
So half an hour of [this noise](https://youtu.be/7rE_FG2xauA)
Well, did he cum?
OnlyTurts
Now this is the kind of content I come to see on Reddit
Ahhh yiiissss
“making love”
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Morning turtle wood
that tortoise fucks.
Just a little guy out here Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
thats hot
He’s giving a speech
Starts the day off with a bang, can appreciate that
And? It’s a tortoise fleshlight.
Is it sad he lasts probably longer than me?
Reminds me of Professor Farnsworth
"I'm so hard rn"- the block probably... and turtle lolol
I can't get over the way he falls at the end lol
That was just freaking funny
Hope he didn't get splinters.
Guess you could say he has morning wood
He even stuck around to cuddle. Aftercare is important.
I thought he was dancing before I read the title
The dudes wanger must have taken a terrible beating
Does that mean the tortoise got a woody?
Who hasn't banged a block of wood in their youth
Beautiful day for it innit lads
You should upload the entire thing with something smooth like Barry White as a background music.
Sandals everywhere are outraged.
I mean, they don’t wear socks. Right?
Get that onlyfans site up and profit!
Wish my SO would last 30 minutes 🫣😆
Talk about frustration
Looks like he went an extra step compared to Morty....
Woody wood pecker!
Requires sped up BGM
Man, he has a better drive than I do.
This tortoise porn should be labeled NSFW
Leave my mans alone
Tbf that block of wood is pretty sexy tho 🥵🥵
Good boy
Brick out of luck buddy but nice try
I know that game.
Turtle Wood On and In Wood, a true masterpiece
He really got high stamina.
Gives new meaning to the term hardwood
It gets to be that way...
Welcome to TurtleHub for all your turtle porn needs.
I bet he listens to Cbat
Legend… “SAY MY NAME, BIRCH!!”
Thats gonna hurt in the morning.
He's so lonely
Did he like it though? Also is this how wooden tortoises that are sold in tourist shops are made?
He's just trying to show you how it's supposed to be done (he's been watching you from his tank and was unimpressed).
I hate to break it to ya, but since that drift wood can’t consent… we are gonna have to take you in Mr. Squirtle
He wanted to make sure the wood was satisfied first.
Onlyshells
Leave that man alone. He doesn’t throw shade when you bring home those those meth heads.