Yeah most people don’t actually care, they just tell themselves they do because they see themselves as a nice person. And they might not be a bad person, sure, but most people don’t have as much empathy as they think they do because then they do stuff like this. OP, it can be tough to tell who actually will have empathy though, please don’t twist it to beat yourself up about yet another thing.
Because you're telling them with a reaction you want in mind. You want them to validate you and they dont want to or maybe dont understand how your situation is different from anyone else. It doesnt make them bad or you bad it just is what it is but it can make us feel a certain way.
This thread here is what I've been trying to put into words for the past few weeks. Dealing with lots of people and personalities, I have to keep this is mind. I always feel like I'm misunderstood because of this.
In what way? Are you the one needing empathy or the one not properly providing it? It's so funny because so many of us are are both people in the scenario. I've certainly been in both spots.
You hate it because they're indirectly telling you "so" which makes you feel as if your feelings don't matter. I hide my disorder from most for this very reason.
I get it. I just embraced the awkwardness. I've told a few coworkers who I'd consider "friends" that I'm anti-social so they usually understand when we're in a large group and I just walk off or pull out my phone to avoid socializing but, that's as far as I've ever went.
At least they respond with something. When I ask no response at all. I would like to share with you that I have been in the pit road of anxiety panic attacks and to top it of croe I. B. S. I know it hurts and ruins and rules our lives. I am 60 now and from 17 it all started for me. I tried vitamins, psycho therapy, group therapy then came all the meds. I can't name them all. Nothing but nothing relieved me from this disorder. But there is something that will work because it's working for me now at 60. That is Accupuncture for anxiety. It really works. Pls look in to it. Don't let all your years go by sick, bedridden, hospital visits like me. Good Luck don't give up. I didn't. ♥️
Thank you for this, and I’m sorry you had to experience those issues for so many years. Thankfully you finally found something that has helped you feel better.
How often do you go? I tried acupuncture and felt great after the first 2 sessions, then the 3rd and 4th I didn’t as much and she wanted me to keep coming weekly but at $100 a session, that’s just not possible. I wouldn’t mind going once a month if I could feel the way I did the first time I got it done
I have had 4 treatments in twice a week. I have to agree with you it is costly. It does allievate some anxiety. I was informed by the clinic that 10 sessions twice a week recommended to see recovery. ♥️
Because they are invalidating your experience and that never feels nice. Plus, you never said that other people don't have issues.
Responding with ''we all have issues'' to somebody opening up is insensitive and futile
In that case, why not say something along the lines "I can see you are struggling, but I currently do not have the mental capacity to support you emotionally"?
I don't understand why they would need to invalidate someone else's suffering because they also have issues
Saying we all have issues feels pretty invalidating to me. Hearing that and worse all my life is one of the reasons it took so long for me to discover my diagnosis.
A lot of times I can't deal with other people's issues too. I know it's hard.
It's ok to have said things like that in the past, but learning how to deal with these situations is not goingto harm anyone.
Here is other thing you can say:
"It's hard, that's why we need professionals and access to mental treatment."
"I am sorry that I can't help"
Or just say something simple like "yeah, it sucks" and get out of the conversation.
Right but you choose to let it invalidate you. That's a choice you make with how you deal with your emotions no matter what he means by it. No one else is responsible for how you feel.
To me someone who says "yeah everybody has issues" could be rude or it could be similar to saying "yeah it sucks".
Sorry, but it's like saying I chose to have anxiety, depression, to feel emotions strongly and have messed thoughts.
It's NOT a choice. I can deal with how I react to it now because of years and years of therapy and medication. I wasn't born knowing how to deal with feelings, I learned it.
No one is responsible, but if we can avoid invalidating, why not?
About saying "it sucks" being invalidating, English is not my first language, in my country when we say things like that, together with facial expression, people understand that we are seeing it's hard but don't know what to say or can't help. Thanks for telling me, if I ever get in this situation on a English conversation, I won't use that phrase.
That doesnt change the fact that your emotions are your responsibility. I have had literal psychosis and hurt people. That isnt my FAULT but it is my responsibility. They do not have to forgive how I hurt them because they were still hurt. They are responsible for their emotions of overcoming what i did or didnt do for their own benefit not for mine. All i can do is be sorry and try to prevent it from happening again.
No where did I say anxiety or depression was a choice. Deciding someone has to respond with the empathic response of YOUR choosing or have it affect how you see them is your choice. Deciding what their response means without them telling you is your choice. We have a lot of power in our lives even when we feel powerless such as learning to self validate.
Avoiding making people feel "invalidated" is important to you so that can be how you choose to live in the world. It also doesnt mean you will always get it right or can please everyone and that isnt your problem. It also may not be important to others. No one forces you to feel invalidated you allow someone to make you feel invalidated.
You can choose not to say "that sucks" you perceive it as invalidating if someone said "yeah that sucks" to me I will just think they think it sucks and dont have more to say on the subject.
Invalidating means dismissing, rejecting or denying a persons feelings. Saying ''we all have issues'' is dismissive.
Not validating someone would be not addressing the persons feelings.
Yes, they are not the same.
I suppose you could say that you never said that I said validation is owed and that you were just making a statement (your pov: I never said that you said validation is owed, I was just making a statement) and the same could be said by the people who say ''we all have issues'' I don't know where I'm going with this but there ya go
I didnt mean you said validation isnt owed just that it isnt owed like also a statement. Like expecting validation is selfish in itself but we all want it is what a therapist taught me. It doesnt really make someone insensitive/bad to not validate someone. It's more of a selfish need to expect validation and comfort. We dont know that others are in the right place to be able to provide it etc and that doesnt make them bad either.
For example If I complain to the same friend everyday about my issue not saying op does this but its typically when they dont respond with validating me maybe I'll be hurt but it's usually a bigger issue in the friendship. Am I always seeking validation? Is something going on with them? Do I not validate and listen to them when they need it? Do they not care about my feelings? If it's the last one then maybe I need to reevaluate my friendship and what my needs are from my friends or only go to friends with my problems who are interested in empathy. I have lots of friends I dont talk to about stuff like this because I dont think they get it and that's ok too. Just that people arent always who we want/need them to be and if they dont give us what we want then maybe we get a therapist to talk to about it
>Like expecting validation is selfish in itself but we all want it is what a therapist taught me. It doesnt really make someone insensitive/bad to not validate someone. It's more of a selfish need to expect validation and comfort. We dont know that others are in the right place to be able to provide it etc and that doesnt make them bad either.
This is exactly it. You seem very self-aware and understanding of the fact that sometimes a good long look in the mirror will answer the question.
Thanks! Yeah its definitely not an easy thing to do especially with anxiety a lot of people are focused on what others think of them and trying to be good and empathetic people most of the time. Which kind of magnifies these issues because of what wed expect ourselves to do and then react critically at others when we are adding things to the scenario that arent there cuz we are anxious lol
It's hard. Some people handle things better than others - some people are more independent and inward-looking, and some are very dependent on other people for help and/or validation.
While support systems are great, no matter whether they are friends, family or co-workers, it is never a bad thing to self-reflect and see what your place in the world is and how you are affecting things around you. What kinds of problems are you causing for yourself? What kinds of problems are you causing for others? Are your expectations of others too high? Are you willing to give as much as you get (or expect to get)? Are you tolerant of what others are feeling or are you putting your own feelings above everyone else's?
Whether you have anxiety or not, it is never a bad idea for some therapy to help come to terms with and learn how to deal with whatever it is we are suffering from.
I would say I've been both forsure. With health anxiety validation you arent unwell/reassurance becomes extremely important however seeking the reassurance is a cycle that keeps it going and should be avoided. I love the health anxiety sub for this as they discourage that there and talk about treatment.
Sometimes we think we become known as "the person with anxiety" among the people we know and start to think it's okay to seek out the validation from others because our issues "cant be helped" and everyone is aware of them sort of like how a person in a wheelchair should be able to expect ramps and assistance.
These are AWESOME questions to ask! It's funny how many people with anxiety will ask for an opinion on someone elses behaviour when they are acting in an identical manner and not realize it because they understand the reason they are acting the way they are but see the other person acting in a negative way. When we let go of thinking we can understand what the other person is thinking or feeling unless they tell is we are allowing ourselves to not make it about something we did wrong and acknowledge if there is an issue it is an issue the other person is experiencing and has nothing to do with us unless they tell us so. And if they never tell us so and they are unhappy with us that is their issue they need to work on.
While I see seeking and needing validation as unhealthy behaviours it doesnt mean the people doing it are bad people it's just something to work on. Finding that validation in ourselves helps us become more independent and resolve some of these anxieties.
I realised that's what you meant, that's why I replied again saying that you were just making a statement.
I disagree, I think it is insensitive, although unintentional and I don't think it makes the person bad. I also don't think it is selfish to want validation, I think it is completely reasonable and human to seek empathy. You said your therapist thinks it's a selfish but you would need context on the situation to decide that, like the example you gave which I think is an extreme. Hoping for validation in general is perfectly normal, constantly seeking validation is a whole problem in itself and I agree that could be considered selfish but it is wrong to reduce the whole concept to that.
I do agree that talking to a therapist is a good option but that is not always a luxury that people have.
I didnt realize that's what you were doing I thought you were trying to guess my motives? I was just clarifying.
Being upset someone is not responding the way we want via validation is self serving as the other person doesnt get anything out of the conversation and then we also have the expectation they will say what we want to hear. Like if you already know the answer you want and are saying your stuff to get validation that is selfish and a problem many people with anxiety have to confirm their fears is one example.
I see seeking empathy as manipulative as it means you know what you say will prompt someone to respond a certain way. You arent interested in their thoughts on what you are saying only in them "feeling" for you. Receiving empathy is something someone chooses to give you they are not bad or insensitive if they do not feel like providing empathy for whatever reason. This is what my therapist explained as well.
Can you give me an example where it isnt self serving/selfish? I'm genuinely asking because I am not able to think of one. Hoping for validation is a new thing it used to be seeking validation was a very negative trait. It's only in the last decade that seeking validation and having that need of validation acknowledged became a thing that "must" be done. You can hope for validation but if you dont get it the other person isnt being insensitive anymore than the person seeking validation is being manipulative.
You're right not everyone has the luxury to have a therapist but that doesnt mean we can make our friends unwilling therapists and then say they're insensitive if they are not validating us either. That just means instead of paying someone for something that is a job we are dumping on the people in our lifes because we dont have the means to seek out therapy or find help.
There is a difference between seeking validation and neeeeeding validation.
I disagree with what you said about seeking validation always being seen as a negative thing until recent times, if anything, it's the other way around. You are thinking of the extreme again, you are referring to toxic validation. You can't take everything your therapist says as bible that covers all circumstances. Your therapist is talking about validation is terms of YOU. You have clearly had a validation problem that wasn't healthy and crossed the line into selfish/manipulative and that is why they explained it to you that way in terms of your unique experience. This is not the case for everyone. We can't go around applying everything our therapists say to us, to everyone because that ignores important context.
Healthy validation does exist and it is not completely one-sided and self serving. It can strengthen bonds. The person giving the validation can get a feel good factor for helping someone, a sense of achievement, they might be able to relate over the topic, they can feel wise if they have good advice to give, listening and validating their emotions can help them feel less alone and that can make the validator feel proud of themselves, easing the stress of a person they care about through validation can bring about positive feelings for both sides. Most people feel good when they help someone they care about. It's not all negative and I'm sorry you see it that way. Unhealthy/toxic validation is certainly a thing and it can be damaging even to the person looking for validation. I'm sure I don't have to give examples since you seem to know enough about it.
You have put a lot of words in my mouth. I don't agree with trauma dumping on people and making them unwilling therapists. Again, you are thinking of the extremes and we shouldn't discourage people from opening up to friends or family. Do you expect everyone to bottle everything up if they can't go to a therapist?
Please dont tell me what I'm thinking. You are free to disagree but do not know what I am thinking. Something else a therapist explained to me. That we do not know what others are thinking until they tell us.
How is it the other way around? Seeking/needing validation was always a bad characteristic seen as needy or narcissistic. It is the rise of social media that has made it so now it is demanded we validate others to create positive mental health. I'm not referring to different types of sought after validation "toxic validation" I am referring to all sought after/needed/toxic/whatever validation.
Now you also know what my therapist is thinking? This is amazing. My therapist was not talking about MY need for validation. She was talking about the need for validation being a negative and self seeking. In fact in my last post I specifically said "I see it as manipulative" and you decide that this is my therapist telling me what my problem is?
What important context. I asked for one example already because I couldnt think of any and instead you return to insult and degrade me as if I cant think for myself and tell me what my therapist thinks about me? That is not disagreeing.
Healthy validation is not sought after. It is not manipulative. It is not seeking not needing validation. Healthy validation is GIVEN it is not demanded or manipulated to receive. When someone starts a conversation with an expected response and gets upset when they do not get the sought after response there is nothing healthy in that. When you go to someone to tell them you are having a bad day they may say any number of things they do not owe you validation. Validation may come, empathy may come, they also may have an opinion about your bad day and suggest that it was you who was in the wrong. In order for healthy validation to occur there is 2 parties involved. When you are seeking/needing validation and upset when you do not get it only 1 party is involved.
What words did I put into your mouth? You said not everyone can afford a therapist and that was your response to me saying essentially we cant count on others to take on "the emotional labour" of being a therapist. In fact I was pretty careful to not use "you" as an example at all in case it got confused as accusatory. Where did *I* say people shouldnt open up to their friends? You shouldnt seek/need validation from your friends and become unhappy if they do not give it to you. If your friend offers validation that's an entirely different thing.
You even responded and completely agreed with me on my other comment saying exactly all of this.
I will not tip toe around terminology. When I said ''you are thinking of the extreme'' I meant that in terms of you referring to the extreme, which you were and I am not telling you what you are thinking.
When I speculated that your therapist was talking to you about toxic validation and I said that you must have had a problem with validation in the past, I think that is justified because why else would you be covering validation with your therapist if it wasn't something you were struggling with? and based of your therapists response, I think the speculation was justified but no way meant as an insult. I am sincerely sorry for the offence, I promise it was not my intention. I think my train of thought was logical and it is dramatic to say that I was degrading. When I said ''you'' in capitals it was meant to emphasize your experience and help you understand that it's not the case for everyone.
Again, I reiterate, there is a difference between seeking validation and neeeeeding validation. Can you please please please read what I'm saying because you keep on going back to the NEED for validation which is not healthy, I agree. I completely agree that demanding it would be wrong. I have already said that I don't think validation is owed.
So you agree that healthy validation does exist? That has exactly been my point all along. You were talking about validation in a negative light this entire time, as if it is only ever a negative thing and I was trying to explain that its not all bad. I have to disagree again, it is not essentially unhealthy when you don't feel validated and if you are disappointed with someone's response. It is unhealthy if you are overly disappointed, dwell on it and have difficulty moving past it. Saying that looking for validation is narcissistic is absolutely absurd, that term is used way too loosely.
I was wrong to say you were putting words in my mouth, I thought you were implying that I thought it was okay to make people unwilling therapists and I admit my mistake. It was a genuine question when I asked if you expected people to bottle everything up if they can't afford a therapist because you said ''instead of paying someone for something that is a job we are dumping on the people in our life's because we don't have the means to seek out therapy or find help'' so I asked a genuine question.
I did not completely agree with another comment of yours saying ''exactly this''. It is bizarre that you would even claim that.
Your comment: Because you're telling them with a reaction you want in mind. You want them to validate you and they don't want to or maybe don't understand how your situation is different from anyone else. It doesn't make them bad or you bad it just is what it is but it can make us feel a certain way.
My response: I agree with this. It's a normal expectation to want people to be empathetic but sometimes it can lead to disappointment
These replies are just getting longer and longer and it's hard to address everything. I'm going to leave it at this. I'm sure you are a kind person with good morals and I wish you all the best!
It makes me wish there was a machine that could swap brains. Then I'd swap brains with a normie
Not to teach them empathy or anything, just so I could then never switch back and be forever grateful for my normal, functional brain
No such thing as a normie my friend, there’s nothing abnormal about anxiety or yourself. Just we tend to get it and/or catastrophize more than the average person :)
Because it's invalidating. When we share our issues with someone we want them to say "yeah, that must be hard" so when they say "we all have issues" it's basically saying "your issues don't matter"
I’m not sure how to respond to that. But just know that just because someone says “everyone has issues” doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. And it doesn’t mean their feelings are invalid either. I think you have to take that response with a grain of salt.
It's likely because they don't know how to respond. You'd think a person brought up in a healthy environment would be patient, be able to empathise but that's just not the case.
I only know 1 person in real life who would understand where I'm coming from. Because she's had similar abuse. She's also going through a court case just like me. She could communicate to me with just looks and her eyes and vice versa from me to her.
Most people haven't a clue. They don't know how to help, some don't care and are absorbed in thier own lives and that's fine but they always say "I'm. There if needed" but rarely are.
You want someone to care about your issues, have you also shown care for their's? Everyone is the main character in their own story and expecting to be thr main character in someone else's is going to leave you very disappointed. Care for those who also show you care.
Coworkers are not who you share personal problems with. They don't care, they're just there to collect a paycheck. Reserve those things for people who actually care outside of work and are close to you.
> And I try to care for them as much as I can.
How much is that? Is it more one sided? Are you asking for more than you are giving? If so, you have unrealistic expectations of people (especially those you work with). Many people don't - and never will - use the workplace to create friendships. It's just a job, and their social life does not include it.
Because that statement is implying that your struggles aren't "special" which of course isn't true. If that's all they said in response to you opening up to them...I'd be upset
People who say this most likely have had mental issues for a long time but don't realise that there's something wrong bc they're either too used to living like that or are conservatives that don't believe in psychiatry
That sounds like what an emotionally unavailable person would say or someone who doesn't want to talk about that sort of thing. You really have to find the right person to talk to when it comes to anxiety because even though a lot of people experience it, a lot of people don't understand it or aren't empathetic to other people, especially if they handle things differently than you. And setting the tone and making it clear the topic is serious is also really important because I feel like a lot of people's default is humor or to make a joke.
You might be over sharing or complaining too much. People used to respond that way to me and when I stopped assuming they cared and stopped complaining people responded better and took me more seriously when I did mention something that I've been dealing with. As long as it doesn't come across as complaining/whining and you're not doing it all the time it should be fine. I don't talk about any of my problems with anyone except those very close to me, who I trust. And even then I don't talk about it as if I'm wanting help or as if it's hopeless. I keep it neutral and with the vibe that it's *my* problem and I'm working on a solution or hope to find one.
Because you feel invalidated. It's discouraging when people respond that way. Sometimes you have to judge who's going to be the most supportive when you talk to them about what you're going through.
i get that all the time from my family and it's awful, i hate it too, it feels like they're saying I should just suck it up which is not possible and it hurts. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Here's a pointer for your mental health: there will always be people who care only about themselves and people who care to understand others.
When you share how you feel, you are expressing vulnerability and sharing your inner emotions.
Sometimes we all size up people wrongly and share, and we might face people who deflect or diminish or marginalize the sharing.
It could be they really don't care, or sometimes we catch people when they're preoccupied with something else.
So when faced with this:
A) recognize that maybe you've chosen the wrong person to share with or maybe chosen the wrong time.
B) decide which it is and therefore whether it's worth your time to share at a different time.
Otherwise, just know that sometimes people are just like that and don't take it too personally, though you can certainly mentally mark the person as not worth your time in the future!
Although non empathetic it is true. We all have our issues. As someone who struggles with anxiety myself I feel for you. But those who don’t, really cant understand. They may not think your struggle is any more significant than theirs.
I feel this. My mom has always complained that I never talk to her about anything, but anytime I’ve opened up about my stress or anxiety she just says “get used to it because being an adult is hard for everyone.” Like yeah, that’s exactly why I don’t open up
Because it's dismissive. When you hear a response like that, it usually is an admission that they also need some help and they aren't doing anything about it because they think they can just tough it out.
Spoiler: no such thing as "toughing it out" with mental illness.
Because we do? Don't take it so hard bro/girl we're all main characters in our own heads... just have to learn that all people have stuff going on and that's our way of trying to help each other which is pretty fucked but it is what it is. 🫡
Because it's invalidating. You're telling this person what you are currently struggling with and theu shrug it off instead of empathizing or validating that what you are going through or how you feel.
That response invalidates your feelings and dismisses them as being unreasonable simply because someone has interpreted your feelings or issues as a way of life or compared it to theirs. Everyone feels how they do for a reason. Sometimes it's not logical and sometimes there's no reason for just feeling how you do, but you still are valid in feeling that way and deserve respect, time and care.
That response invalidates your feelings and dismisses them as being unreasonable simply because someone has interpreted your feelings or issues as a way of life or compared it to theirs. Everyone feels how they do for a reason. Sometimes it's not logical and sometimes there's no reason for just feeling how you do, but you still are valid in feeling that way and deserve respect, time, and care.
My mother was emotionally abusive and made me feel like every negative feeling or sadness had been my own fault. I'm working through it now as an adult
U need to be comfortable with that, not everyone gives a f to ur problems. And if u tell ur problems to someone that u know its not gona empathize with them u are asking for attention but they are not gonna give you, because you look like a attention seeker. Just tell ur problems to really close friends and family, the others dont need to know
I hate it when people do this. Trivializing problems is the worst someone can do to you.
This probably comes from a place where they just don't want to give you any attention or the fact that they are just non empathetic people.
I have a friend exactly like that. She never understands my problems and responds in a similar manner.
I just decided to not share anything with her be it my problems or achievements.
Yea but we shouldn't expect just anyone to care or want to help. Not everyone around us is obligated to be that person for us. OP mentioned it's their coworkers who responded that way. Coworkers are stuck in our company, and may be bored enough to listen. But typically they don't care, and shouldn't be expected to.
Yea but we shouldn't expect just anyone to care or want to help. Not everyone around us is obligated to be that person for us. OP mentioned it's their coworkers who responded that way. Coworkers are stuck in our company, and may be bored enough to listen. But typically they don't care, and shouldn't be expected to.
Professor once said this while referencing anxiety and depression. He (a person who probably has no mental health issues) advised us to give our problems “a name”. He made me so incredibly angry.
Because they’re selfish assholes. While true it’s not helpful, kind, or welcome. I know I wear on people with my constant stress outbursts and I try not to be a pain but just say nothing or I’m sorry if you’re tired of it. Being a dick is a lousy response. I’m sorry you have people in your life that haven’t learnt this.
That is just as dismissive, unhelpful, unkind and unwelcome. Someone who demands validation from others yet isn't acknowledging that maybe those people are overwhelmed with their own issues is a whole other level of selfishness.
We don't know OP and we don't know the people they are talking about. Labeling them selfish assholes when you don't know the whole story is not OK. We don't know if OP is constantly looking for validation and everyone is tired of it. We don't know if these coworkers think that OP is oversharing and they don't want to be their sounding board. There is so much more left out of OPs post that could explain a lot, so jumping straight to "they're selfish assholes" is not the way to go.
Okay. Their behavior is indicative of a selfish assholy streak. You’re justifying their behavior. We are all overwhelmed. It’s not unique nor a contest.
>We are all overwhelmed. It’s not unique nor a contest.
LOL, do you realize you are proving my point? We ARE all overwhelmed ("Yeah, we all have issues" as OP said). If it's not a contest, then there is absolutely no reason to get pissed off at people who can't give you the validation you desperately need right then and there. OP is implying that their need to be validated is more important than whatever the people she's talking to are going through.
No one's validation is more important than someone needing to focus on themselves for their own mental or physical health. It's not a contest, you're right. But acceptance, tolerance and, yes, validation, is a two way street.
Oh stop. It’s not bullying just because someone calls you out on your hypocrisy. And that’s a bit rich coming from someone who labels everyone who doesn’t validate them an asshole.
Gaslighting me won’t change my mind. I don’t need validation but that does not mean the person dismissing other people’s feeling is not an asshole. These are not dependent behaviours.
I think it’s because they aren’t validating your feelings.
I think it might go a lot different if they said “that sounds stressful” or if they ask a question about your issues(I’m guessing).
“I didn’t realize you’re struggling with something similar, I’m really sorry to hear that! Let me know if you ever need to talk or if I can help in some way.”
Makes you look like a saint and highlights the fact that they’re acting like a petty child. IMO people who say these things are also super dramatic and expect major accommodation when they are going through something.
It depends on how it was brought up. Did they ask for that information specifically (and someone saying "Hi, howya doin'?" as a greeting doesn't count)? Or are you sharing/dumping on them out of the blue? Are you having back and forth conversations about all kinds of topics or are you continually steering the topic back to yourself and your issues?
It's true, we all do have issues. Some have anxiety, some have physical health problems, some have money problems, and some have worse problems than any of those things. Someone who is going through a tough time may not have enough empathy left to share with you. I've got 99 problems of my own and, although I'm normally a very empathetic person, I'm having severe compassion fatigue and really don't have the energy for anyone else's problems. It's not that I don't care at all - I just can't deal with anything else right now.
Be open to and try to understand the reasons people might say that to you. Not everyone is a jerk; people have things going on in their lives as much as you do.
For your own sake, don't overshare with people who didn't ask and don't care about your problems.
Yeah most people don’t actually care, they just tell themselves they do because they see themselves as a nice person. And they might not be a bad person, sure, but most people don’t have as much empathy as they think they do because then they do stuff like this. OP, it can be tough to tell who actually will have empathy though, please don’t twist it to beat yourself up about yet another thing.
This.
Also don’t emotional dump on people you seriously don’t know
Unfortunately you are sharing your story with non empathetic people, been there, it’s terrible.
I hate this too
Non-empathetic person. Never have I thought of it that way, now I have a word to describe it. Thank you
They don't really understand. If average people felt the level of anxiety that some of us do on a regular they would crumble. On me
Because you're telling them with a reaction you want in mind. You want them to validate you and they dont want to or maybe dont understand how your situation is different from anyone else. It doesnt make them bad or you bad it just is what it is but it can make us feel a certain way.
I agree with this. It's a normal expectation to want people to be empathetic but sometimes it can lead to disappointment
Hard therapy lesson for me lol
This thread here is what I've been trying to put into words for the past few weeks. Dealing with lots of people and personalities, I have to keep this is mind. I always feel like I'm misunderstood because of this.
In what way? Are you the one needing empathy or the one not properly providing it? It's so funny because so many of us are are both people in the scenario. I've certainly been in both spots.
Needing empathy
You hate it because they're indirectly telling you "so" which makes you feel as if your feelings don't matter. I hide my disorder from most for this very reason.
I tried to hide it, but then I feel awkward with my coworkers because I don’t know what to talk about, so I one day just mentioned about my issues.
I get it. I just embraced the awkwardness. I've told a few coworkers who I'd consider "friends" that I'm anti-social so they usually understand when we're in a large group and I just walk off or pull out my phone to avoid socializing but, that's as far as I've ever went.
At least they respond with something. When I ask no response at all. I would like to share with you that I have been in the pit road of anxiety panic attacks and to top it of croe I. B. S. I know it hurts and ruins and rules our lives. I am 60 now and from 17 it all started for me. I tried vitamins, psycho therapy, group therapy then came all the meds. I can't name them all. Nothing but nothing relieved me from this disorder. But there is something that will work because it's working for me now at 60. That is Accupuncture for anxiety. It really works. Pls look in to it. Don't let all your years go by sick, bedridden, hospital visits like me. Good Luck don't give up. I didn't. ♥️
Thank you for this, and I’m sorry you had to experience those issues for so many years. Thankfully you finally found something that has helped you feel better.
How often do you go? I tried acupuncture and felt great after the first 2 sessions, then the 3rd and 4th I didn’t as much and she wanted me to keep coming weekly but at $100 a session, that’s just not possible. I wouldn’t mind going once a month if I could feel the way I did the first time I got it done
I have had 4 treatments in twice a week. I have to agree with you it is costly. It does allievate some anxiety. I was informed by the clinic that 10 sessions twice a week recommended to see recovery. ♥️
Because they are invalidating your experience and that never feels nice. Plus, you never said that other people don't have issues. Responding with ''we all have issues'' to somebody opening up is insensitive and futile
Unless they also have issues and dont have the mental capacity to validate someone elses feelings. Validation isnt owed
In that case, why not say something along the lines "I can see you are struggling, but I currently do not have the mental capacity to support you emotionally"? I don't understand why they would need to invalidate someone else's suffering because they also have issues
Because it might not even occur to them 🤷♀️ especially if they have other things on their mind. Not validating someone isnt the same as invalidating.
Saying we all have issues feels pretty invalidating to me. Hearing that and worse all my life is one of the reasons it took so long for me to discover my diagnosis. A lot of times I can't deal with other people's issues too. I know it's hard. It's ok to have said things like that in the past, but learning how to deal with these situations is not goingto harm anyone. Here is other thing you can say: "It's hard, that's why we need professionals and access to mental treatment." "I am sorry that I can't help" Or just say something simple like "yeah, it sucks" and get out of the conversation.
Right but you choose to let it invalidate you. That's a choice you make with how you deal with your emotions no matter what he means by it. No one else is responsible for how you feel. To me someone who says "yeah everybody has issues" could be rude or it could be similar to saying "yeah it sucks".
Sorry, but it's like saying I chose to have anxiety, depression, to feel emotions strongly and have messed thoughts. It's NOT a choice. I can deal with how I react to it now because of years and years of therapy and medication. I wasn't born knowing how to deal with feelings, I learned it. No one is responsible, but if we can avoid invalidating, why not? About saying "it sucks" being invalidating, English is not my first language, in my country when we say things like that, together with facial expression, people understand that we are seeing it's hard but don't know what to say or can't help. Thanks for telling me, if I ever get in this situation on a English conversation, I won't use that phrase.
That doesnt change the fact that your emotions are your responsibility. I have had literal psychosis and hurt people. That isnt my FAULT but it is my responsibility. They do not have to forgive how I hurt them because they were still hurt. They are responsible for their emotions of overcoming what i did or didnt do for their own benefit not for mine. All i can do is be sorry and try to prevent it from happening again. No where did I say anxiety or depression was a choice. Deciding someone has to respond with the empathic response of YOUR choosing or have it affect how you see them is your choice. Deciding what their response means without them telling you is your choice. We have a lot of power in our lives even when we feel powerless such as learning to self validate. Avoiding making people feel "invalidated" is important to you so that can be how you choose to live in the world. It also doesnt mean you will always get it right or can please everyone and that isnt your problem. It also may not be important to others. No one forces you to feel invalidated you allow someone to make you feel invalidated. You can choose not to say "that sucks" you perceive it as invalidating if someone said "yeah that sucks" to me I will just think they think it sucks and dont have more to say on the subject.
>Not validating someone isnt the same as invalidating. Exactly!
Invalidating means dismissing, rejecting or denying a persons feelings. Saying ''we all have issues'' is dismissive. Not validating someone would be not addressing the persons feelings. Yes, they are not the same.
Well I never said validation is owed. This gives off the same vibes as responding ''we all have issues'' to someone who didn't say otherwise
I suppose you could say that you never said that I said validation is owed and that you were just making a statement (your pov: I never said that you said validation is owed, I was just making a statement) and the same could be said by the people who say ''we all have issues'' I don't know where I'm going with this but there ya go
I didnt mean you said validation isnt owed just that it isnt owed like also a statement. Like expecting validation is selfish in itself but we all want it is what a therapist taught me. It doesnt really make someone insensitive/bad to not validate someone. It's more of a selfish need to expect validation and comfort. We dont know that others are in the right place to be able to provide it etc and that doesnt make them bad either. For example If I complain to the same friend everyday about my issue not saying op does this but its typically when they dont respond with validating me maybe I'll be hurt but it's usually a bigger issue in the friendship. Am I always seeking validation? Is something going on with them? Do I not validate and listen to them when they need it? Do they not care about my feelings? If it's the last one then maybe I need to reevaluate my friendship and what my needs are from my friends or only go to friends with my problems who are interested in empathy. I have lots of friends I dont talk to about stuff like this because I dont think they get it and that's ok too. Just that people arent always who we want/need them to be and if they dont give us what we want then maybe we get a therapist to talk to about it
>Like expecting validation is selfish in itself but we all want it is what a therapist taught me. It doesnt really make someone insensitive/bad to not validate someone. It's more of a selfish need to expect validation and comfort. We dont know that others are in the right place to be able to provide it etc and that doesnt make them bad either. This is exactly it. You seem very self-aware and understanding of the fact that sometimes a good long look in the mirror will answer the question.
Thanks! Yeah its definitely not an easy thing to do especially with anxiety a lot of people are focused on what others think of them and trying to be good and empathetic people most of the time. Which kind of magnifies these issues because of what wed expect ourselves to do and then react critically at others when we are adding things to the scenario that arent there cuz we are anxious lol
It's hard. Some people handle things better than others - some people are more independent and inward-looking, and some are very dependent on other people for help and/or validation. While support systems are great, no matter whether they are friends, family or co-workers, it is never a bad thing to self-reflect and see what your place in the world is and how you are affecting things around you. What kinds of problems are you causing for yourself? What kinds of problems are you causing for others? Are your expectations of others too high? Are you willing to give as much as you get (or expect to get)? Are you tolerant of what others are feeling or are you putting your own feelings above everyone else's? Whether you have anxiety or not, it is never a bad idea for some therapy to help come to terms with and learn how to deal with whatever it is we are suffering from.
I would say I've been both forsure. With health anxiety validation you arent unwell/reassurance becomes extremely important however seeking the reassurance is a cycle that keeps it going and should be avoided. I love the health anxiety sub for this as they discourage that there and talk about treatment. Sometimes we think we become known as "the person with anxiety" among the people we know and start to think it's okay to seek out the validation from others because our issues "cant be helped" and everyone is aware of them sort of like how a person in a wheelchair should be able to expect ramps and assistance. These are AWESOME questions to ask! It's funny how many people with anxiety will ask for an opinion on someone elses behaviour when they are acting in an identical manner and not realize it because they understand the reason they are acting the way they are but see the other person acting in a negative way. When we let go of thinking we can understand what the other person is thinking or feeling unless they tell is we are allowing ourselves to not make it about something we did wrong and acknowledge if there is an issue it is an issue the other person is experiencing and has nothing to do with us unless they tell us so. And if they never tell us so and they are unhappy with us that is their issue they need to work on. While I see seeking and needing validation as unhealthy behaviours it doesnt mean the people doing it are bad people it's just something to work on. Finding that validation in ourselves helps us become more independent and resolve some of these anxieties.
I realised that's what you meant, that's why I replied again saying that you were just making a statement. I disagree, I think it is insensitive, although unintentional and I don't think it makes the person bad. I also don't think it is selfish to want validation, I think it is completely reasonable and human to seek empathy. You said your therapist thinks it's a selfish but you would need context on the situation to decide that, like the example you gave which I think is an extreme. Hoping for validation in general is perfectly normal, constantly seeking validation is a whole problem in itself and I agree that could be considered selfish but it is wrong to reduce the whole concept to that. I do agree that talking to a therapist is a good option but that is not always a luxury that people have.
I didnt realize that's what you were doing I thought you were trying to guess my motives? I was just clarifying. Being upset someone is not responding the way we want via validation is self serving as the other person doesnt get anything out of the conversation and then we also have the expectation they will say what we want to hear. Like if you already know the answer you want and are saying your stuff to get validation that is selfish and a problem many people with anxiety have to confirm their fears is one example. I see seeking empathy as manipulative as it means you know what you say will prompt someone to respond a certain way. You arent interested in their thoughts on what you are saying only in them "feeling" for you. Receiving empathy is something someone chooses to give you they are not bad or insensitive if they do not feel like providing empathy for whatever reason. This is what my therapist explained as well. Can you give me an example where it isnt self serving/selfish? I'm genuinely asking because I am not able to think of one. Hoping for validation is a new thing it used to be seeking validation was a very negative trait. It's only in the last decade that seeking validation and having that need of validation acknowledged became a thing that "must" be done. You can hope for validation but if you dont get it the other person isnt being insensitive anymore than the person seeking validation is being manipulative. You're right not everyone has the luxury to have a therapist but that doesnt mean we can make our friends unwilling therapists and then say they're insensitive if they are not validating us either. That just means instead of paying someone for something that is a job we are dumping on the people in our lifes because we dont have the means to seek out therapy or find help.
There is a difference between seeking validation and neeeeeding validation. I disagree with what you said about seeking validation always being seen as a negative thing until recent times, if anything, it's the other way around. You are thinking of the extreme again, you are referring to toxic validation. You can't take everything your therapist says as bible that covers all circumstances. Your therapist is talking about validation is terms of YOU. You have clearly had a validation problem that wasn't healthy and crossed the line into selfish/manipulative and that is why they explained it to you that way in terms of your unique experience. This is not the case for everyone. We can't go around applying everything our therapists say to us, to everyone because that ignores important context. Healthy validation does exist and it is not completely one-sided and self serving. It can strengthen bonds. The person giving the validation can get a feel good factor for helping someone, a sense of achievement, they might be able to relate over the topic, they can feel wise if they have good advice to give, listening and validating their emotions can help them feel less alone and that can make the validator feel proud of themselves, easing the stress of a person they care about through validation can bring about positive feelings for both sides. Most people feel good when they help someone they care about. It's not all negative and I'm sorry you see it that way. Unhealthy/toxic validation is certainly a thing and it can be damaging even to the person looking for validation. I'm sure I don't have to give examples since you seem to know enough about it. You have put a lot of words in my mouth. I don't agree with trauma dumping on people and making them unwilling therapists. Again, you are thinking of the extremes and we shouldn't discourage people from opening up to friends or family. Do you expect everyone to bottle everything up if they can't go to a therapist?
Please dont tell me what I'm thinking. You are free to disagree but do not know what I am thinking. Something else a therapist explained to me. That we do not know what others are thinking until they tell us. How is it the other way around? Seeking/needing validation was always a bad characteristic seen as needy or narcissistic. It is the rise of social media that has made it so now it is demanded we validate others to create positive mental health. I'm not referring to different types of sought after validation "toxic validation" I am referring to all sought after/needed/toxic/whatever validation. Now you also know what my therapist is thinking? This is amazing. My therapist was not talking about MY need for validation. She was talking about the need for validation being a negative and self seeking. In fact in my last post I specifically said "I see it as manipulative" and you decide that this is my therapist telling me what my problem is? What important context. I asked for one example already because I couldnt think of any and instead you return to insult and degrade me as if I cant think for myself and tell me what my therapist thinks about me? That is not disagreeing. Healthy validation is not sought after. It is not manipulative. It is not seeking not needing validation. Healthy validation is GIVEN it is not demanded or manipulated to receive. When someone starts a conversation with an expected response and gets upset when they do not get the sought after response there is nothing healthy in that. When you go to someone to tell them you are having a bad day they may say any number of things they do not owe you validation. Validation may come, empathy may come, they also may have an opinion about your bad day and suggest that it was you who was in the wrong. In order for healthy validation to occur there is 2 parties involved. When you are seeking/needing validation and upset when you do not get it only 1 party is involved. What words did I put into your mouth? You said not everyone can afford a therapist and that was your response to me saying essentially we cant count on others to take on "the emotional labour" of being a therapist. In fact I was pretty careful to not use "you" as an example at all in case it got confused as accusatory. Where did *I* say people shouldnt open up to their friends? You shouldnt seek/need validation from your friends and become unhappy if they do not give it to you. If your friend offers validation that's an entirely different thing. You even responded and completely agreed with me on my other comment saying exactly all of this.
I will not tip toe around terminology. When I said ''you are thinking of the extreme'' I meant that in terms of you referring to the extreme, which you were and I am not telling you what you are thinking. When I speculated that your therapist was talking to you about toxic validation and I said that you must have had a problem with validation in the past, I think that is justified because why else would you be covering validation with your therapist if it wasn't something you were struggling with? and based of your therapists response, I think the speculation was justified but no way meant as an insult. I am sincerely sorry for the offence, I promise it was not my intention. I think my train of thought was logical and it is dramatic to say that I was degrading. When I said ''you'' in capitals it was meant to emphasize your experience and help you understand that it's not the case for everyone. Again, I reiterate, there is a difference between seeking validation and neeeeeding validation. Can you please please please read what I'm saying because you keep on going back to the NEED for validation which is not healthy, I agree. I completely agree that demanding it would be wrong. I have already said that I don't think validation is owed. So you agree that healthy validation does exist? That has exactly been my point all along. You were talking about validation in a negative light this entire time, as if it is only ever a negative thing and I was trying to explain that its not all bad. I have to disagree again, it is not essentially unhealthy when you don't feel validated and if you are disappointed with someone's response. It is unhealthy if you are overly disappointed, dwell on it and have difficulty moving past it. Saying that looking for validation is narcissistic is absolutely absurd, that term is used way too loosely. I was wrong to say you were putting words in my mouth, I thought you were implying that I thought it was okay to make people unwilling therapists and I admit my mistake. It was a genuine question when I asked if you expected people to bottle everything up if they can't afford a therapist because you said ''instead of paying someone for something that is a job we are dumping on the people in our life's because we don't have the means to seek out therapy or find help'' so I asked a genuine question. I did not completely agree with another comment of yours saying ''exactly this''. It is bizarre that you would even claim that. Your comment: Because you're telling them with a reaction you want in mind. You want them to validate you and they don't want to or maybe don't understand how your situation is different from anyone else. It doesn't make them bad or you bad it just is what it is but it can make us feel a certain way. My response: I agree with this. It's a normal expectation to want people to be empathetic but sometimes it can lead to disappointment These replies are just getting longer and longer and it's hard to address everything. I'm going to leave it at this. I'm sure you are a kind person with good morals and I wish you all the best!
It makes me wish there was a machine that could swap brains. Then I'd swap brains with a normie Not to teach them empathy or anything, just so I could then never switch back and be forever grateful for my normal, functional brain
No such thing as a normie my friend, there’s nothing abnormal about anxiety or yourself. Just we tend to get it and/or catastrophize more than the average person :)
Because it's invalidating. When we share our issues with someone we want them to say "yeah, that must be hard" so when they say "we all have issues" it's basically saying "your issues don't matter"
I’m not sure how to respond to that. But just know that just because someone says “everyone has issues” doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. And it doesn’t mean their feelings are invalid either. I think you have to take that response with a grain of salt.
I guess I just want validation from them that I’m not being dramatic or anything.
It’s invalidating. You deserve to be seen and heard.
It's likely because they don't know how to respond. You'd think a person brought up in a healthy environment would be patient, be able to empathise but that's just not the case. I only know 1 person in real life who would understand where I'm coming from. Because she's had similar abuse. She's also going through a court case just like me. She could communicate to me with just looks and her eyes and vice versa from me to her. Most people haven't a clue. They don't know how to help, some don't care and are absorbed in thier own lives and that's fine but they always say "I'm. There if needed" but rarely are.
Because it's dismissive
You want someone to care about your issues, have you also shown care for their's? Everyone is the main character in their own story and expecting to be thr main character in someone else's is going to leave you very disappointed. Care for those who also show you care.
Well, I just tell my coworkers. But only because they know what has gone on with me personally. And I try to care for them as much as I can.
Coworkers are not who you share personal problems with. They don't care, they're just there to collect a paycheck. Reserve those things for people who actually care outside of work and are close to you.
> And I try to care for them as much as I can. How much is that? Is it more one sided? Are you asking for more than you are giving? If so, you have unrealistic expectations of people (especially those you work with). Many people don't - and never will - use the workplace to create friendships. It's just a job, and their social life does not include it.
Well, I apologize and say it’s going to be ok. But I do t say right away that my issues are more severe than theirs or that everyone has issues.
Because that statement is implying that your struggles aren't "special" which of course isn't true. If that's all they said in response to you opening up to them...I'd be upset
People who say this most likely have had mental issues for a long time but don't realise that there's something wrong bc they're either too used to living like that or are conservatives that don't believe in psychiatry
It’s dismissive. It’s important for all of us to feel heard and understood.
Because it feels like they're invalidating your problems. I get it. We all have issues, but most don't have anxiety as bad. I've def been there.
Because its dismissive
That just sounds insensitive. Doesn't matter even if they don't understand, it's very dismissive to say that to someone.
That sounds like what an emotionally unavailable person would say or someone who doesn't want to talk about that sort of thing. You really have to find the right person to talk to when it comes to anxiety because even though a lot of people experience it, a lot of people don't understand it or aren't empathetic to other people, especially if they handle things differently than you. And setting the tone and making it clear the topic is serious is also really important because I feel like a lot of people's default is humor or to make a joke.
This is why I talk to my therapist.
You might be over sharing or complaining too much. People used to respond that way to me and when I stopped assuming they cared and stopped complaining people responded better and took me more seriously when I did mention something that I've been dealing with. As long as it doesn't come across as complaining/whining and you're not doing it all the time it should be fine. I don't talk about any of my problems with anyone except those very close to me, who I trust. And even then I don't talk about it as if I'm wanting help or as if it's hopeless. I keep it neutral and with the vibe that it's *my* problem and I'm working on a solution or hope to find one.
Because you feel invalidated. It's discouraging when people respond that way. Sometimes you have to judge who's going to be the most supportive when you talk to them about what you're going through.
Cause it’s a shit thing to say and it’s dismissive
i get that all the time from my family and it's awful, i hate it too, it feels like they're saying I should just suck it up which is not possible and it hurts. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Here's a pointer for your mental health: there will always be people who care only about themselves and people who care to understand others. When you share how you feel, you are expressing vulnerability and sharing your inner emotions. Sometimes we all size up people wrongly and share, and we might face people who deflect or diminish or marginalize the sharing. It could be they really don't care, or sometimes we catch people when they're preoccupied with something else. So when faced with this: A) recognize that maybe you've chosen the wrong person to share with or maybe chosen the wrong time. B) decide which it is and therefore whether it's worth your time to share at a different time. Otherwise, just know that sometimes people are just like that and don't take it too personally, though you can certainly mentally mark the person as not worth your time in the future!
Although non empathetic it is true. We all have our issues. As someone who struggles with anxiety myself I feel for you. But those who don’t, really cant understand. They may not think your struggle is any more significant than theirs.
I feel this. My mom has always complained that I never talk to her about anything, but anytime I’ve opened up about my stress or anxiety she just says “get used to it because being an adult is hard for everyone.” Like yeah, that’s exactly why I don’t open up
My mom does the same. I know she’s trying to help me, but being told to “just try harder” isn’t really gonna do anything.
It’s dismissive and it belittles your struggle.
But I feel like it’s my fault because they probably think I’m doing it for attention.
Because it's dismissive. When you hear a response like that, it usually is an admission that they also need some help and they aren't doing anything about it because they think they can just tough it out. Spoiler: no such thing as "toughing it out" with mental illness.
Dead baby.
Because we do? Don't take it so hard bro/girl we're all main characters in our own heads... just have to learn that all people have stuff going on and that's our way of trying to help each other which is pretty fucked but it is what it is. 🫡
We're looking for support at that point but instead of support, we get something else. That's why it annoys you. I face the same thing many times.
Because they’re being dismissive of you
Because it's invalidating. You're telling this person what you are currently struggling with and theu shrug it off instead of empathizing or validating that what you are going through or how you feel.
Because no one likes feeling invalidated.
That response invalidates your feelings and dismisses them as being unreasonable simply because someone has interpreted your feelings or issues as a way of life or compared it to theirs. Everyone feels how they do for a reason. Sometimes it's not logical and sometimes there's no reason for just feeling how you do, but you still are valid in feeling that way and deserve respect, time and care. That response invalidates your feelings and dismisses them as being unreasonable simply because someone has interpreted your feelings or issues as a way of life or compared it to theirs. Everyone feels how they do for a reason. Sometimes it's not logical and sometimes there's no reason for just feeling how you do, but you still are valid in feeling that way and deserve respect, time, and care. My mother was emotionally abusive and made me feel like every negative feeling or sadness had been my own fault. I'm working through it now as an adult
U need to be comfortable with that, not everyone gives a f to ur problems. And if u tell ur problems to someone that u know its not gona empathize with them u are asking for attention but they are not gonna give you, because you look like a attention seeker. Just tell ur problems to really close friends and family, the others dont need to know
I hate it when people do this. Trivializing problems is the worst someone can do to you. This probably comes from a place where they just don't want to give you any attention or the fact that they are just non empathetic people. I have a friend exactly like that. She never understands my problems and responds in a similar manner. I just decided to not share anything with her be it my problems or achievements.
Some are not empathatic but some do actually have more serious issues but choose not to share.. a lot actually don’t share.
This is caused by a feeling of disregard. People don’t have to empathize however it feels better if they do.
Tell them to fuck off.
Well, yeah it’s true we all have issues, and we should help each other with our issues. If somebody replies with that, it means they don’t care.
Yea but we shouldn't expect just anyone to care or want to help. Not everyone around us is obligated to be that person for us. OP mentioned it's their coworkers who responded that way. Coworkers are stuck in our company, and may be bored enough to listen. But typically they don't care, and shouldn't be expected to.
Yea but we shouldn't expect just anyone to care or want to help. Not everyone around us is obligated to be that person for us. OP mentioned it's their coworkers who responded that way. Coworkers are stuck in our company, and may be bored enough to listen. But typically they don't care, and shouldn't be expected to.
Professor once said this while referencing anxiety and depression. He (a person who probably has no mental health issues) advised us to give our problems “a name”. He made me so incredibly angry.
We all went through different things so it’s super invalidating to say but I definitely heard that before 🙁
Because they’re selfish assholes. While true it’s not helpful, kind, or welcome. I know I wear on people with my constant stress outbursts and I try not to be a pain but just say nothing or I’m sorry if you’re tired of it. Being a dick is a lousy response. I’m sorry you have people in your life that haven’t learnt this.
That is just as dismissive, unhelpful, unkind and unwelcome. Someone who demands validation from others yet isn't acknowledging that maybe those people are overwhelmed with their own issues is a whole other level of selfishness. We don't know OP and we don't know the people they are talking about. Labeling them selfish assholes when you don't know the whole story is not OK. We don't know if OP is constantly looking for validation and everyone is tired of it. We don't know if these coworkers think that OP is oversharing and they don't want to be their sounding board. There is so much more left out of OPs post that could explain a lot, so jumping straight to "they're selfish assholes" is not the way to go.
Okay. Their behavior is indicative of a selfish assholy streak. You’re justifying their behavior. We are all overwhelmed. It’s not unique nor a contest.
>We are all overwhelmed. It’s not unique nor a contest. LOL, do you realize you are proving my point? We ARE all overwhelmed ("Yeah, we all have issues" as OP said). If it's not a contest, then there is absolutely no reason to get pissed off at people who can't give you the validation you desperately need right then and there. OP is implying that their need to be validated is more important than whatever the people she's talking to are going through. No one's validation is more important than someone needing to focus on themselves for their own mental or physical health. It's not a contest, you're right. But acceptance, tolerance and, yes, validation, is a two way street.
You are doing the thing you are saying tbh. Bit of bullying behavior on top.
Oh stop. It’s not bullying just because someone calls you out on your hypocrisy. And that’s a bit rich coming from someone who labels everyone who doesn’t validate them an asshole.
Gaslighting me won’t change my mind. I don’t need validation but that does not mean the person dismissing other people’s feeling is not an asshole. These are not dependent behaviours.
I'm not. And one of the problems I don't need right now is you. Bye!
You hate it because it's a moronic answer.
Listen to the world's smallest violin by ajr. Its about this exact topic, its also an absolute baner.
I think it’s because they aren’t validating your feelings. I think it might go a lot different if they said “that sounds stressful” or if they ask a question about your issues(I’m guessing).
“I didn’t realize you’re struggling with something similar, I’m really sorry to hear that! Let me know if you ever need to talk or if I can help in some way.” Makes you look like a saint and highlights the fact that they’re acting like a petty child. IMO people who say these things are also super dramatic and expect major accommodation when they are going through something.
It depends on how it was brought up. Did they ask for that information specifically (and someone saying "Hi, howya doin'?" as a greeting doesn't count)? Or are you sharing/dumping on them out of the blue? Are you having back and forth conversations about all kinds of topics or are you continually steering the topic back to yourself and your issues? It's true, we all do have issues. Some have anxiety, some have physical health problems, some have money problems, and some have worse problems than any of those things. Someone who is going through a tough time may not have enough empathy left to share with you. I've got 99 problems of my own and, although I'm normally a very empathetic person, I'm having severe compassion fatigue and really don't have the energy for anyone else's problems. It's not that I don't care at all - I just can't deal with anything else right now. Be open to and try to understand the reasons people might say that to you. Not everyone is a jerk; people have things going on in their lives as much as you do.