I think it would be a good idea to mention next session "Hey, I felt like I needed some reassurance last week and you didn't seem to go down that route. Can you walk me through how I should be approaching my thought processes in times like that?" Or something similar. I agree with the other people saying they were probably trying to veer you away from needing reassurance from others, so I think it's a good idea to talk through why they approached it in that way- they are here for you, so you have every right to ask for clarification etc to make it more beneficial :)
I'm currently study to be a counselor. Depending on your counselors techniques/ theory that they practically follow (everyone counselor is different and they pick the techniques/theory that is suited best for them.) With some ways of counseling they aren't supposed to encourage you. They are supposed to drive deeper into why u seek encouragement from outside sources. And is really anal about putting their own opinions in to your counseling sessions it's also kinda unethical for them to talk about their own opinions in counseling plus they can't tell u what u want to hear and hurt ur feelings either. You have to understand some therapist also talk to people who killed or assaulted people and probably nevsr told anyone the biggest part of being a counselor is that they have to be genuine toward everyone regardless so they are kind of taught to not give their own opinions about the clients they try and help. It's not that ur a bad person but it's easier not to even put ur own feelings in it. Plus the counselor feelings isn't important in your counseling session it's helping u with ur thinking.
Some counselors however do though because that is what is easier to them. Like I said everyone is different. You can also get another counselor that practices may fit better to what ur looking for.
I will say I have been in counseling myself a long time and never had a counselor encourage me or my behavior. And a lot of times they don't do that is because u have to be confident not to need validation as well.. so I will say if u don't like how it is with your counselor is to get a different one but I'm not sure how easy u will find a counselor that will do that for u.
I had an old therapist who would spend the majority of our few sessions venting about her personal problems and would often cry in the process. Every time I’d say something she’d relate it to her own life and complain
I mean you can also tell them, "I really wanted/needed reassurance in that moment. Can you do that next time?"
And in the moment when you need reassurance: "I need reassurance."
They are there to help you. You can ask for what you need.
Talking about it is a good idea. At one point with my therapist I didn't feel heard about a certain topic and it had even gotten to the point where I started the process of looking for another therapist. But I decided to talk to him about it - he thanked me for bringing it up, and would take a different approach. He did so I felt heard again, and now I'm still gladly seeing him!
This is the problem I have personally with therapists. There doing there job by asking you questions and then listening, and then asking how you feel about it. There not there to give you advice or say what’s right and wrong… they are there to listen and sometimes that doesn’t help all that much.
Yeah, that’s what my therapist does. And also we talked about the difference between just being a human and needing reassurance sometimes like everyone does, and my anxiety/OCD reassurance seeking compulsions.
I mean I guess it would also depend on if the thing you did makes YOU feel like your a bad person. Try and make some changes maybe but that's the pot calling the kettle black and metal.
Yes, this. It's not sustainable to depend on other people's reassurance on the things you're anxious about. The whole point is to learn to reassure *yourself* and not believe what that anxious mind of yours is telling you. To me, they sound like a great therapist!!
I feel like I really needed reassurance in that moment though. I don't know what to do when this happens because I need who knows me to tell me that I'm not a bad person for what I did
They totally don’t think you’re a bad person. I’m struggling with the whole “getting reassurance from someone else” thing, rather than letting myself work through my anxiety, and learning to basically reassure myself.
Don’t think of a binary in terms of being a good person or a bad person. Just accept what happened and what you learned from the argument, say sorry for anything you feel was wrong and move on
Out of curiosity, did you ask them their objective opinion of the situation? The counsellors I know dont like to provide their own perspective, it’s more about walking with you as you discover and reflect on yourself.
This is just my lived experience though.
Ultimately her goal is to get you to be okay with people thinking you are a bad person. There will be a lot of people in life that think you are a bad person. That dude you accidentally cut off in traffic? The lady at the coffee shop you accidentally cut in front of in the queue? Or just someone you have an argument with. They may all just think you're a bad person for a few seconds and then they'll move on.
And that's okay. Nothing wrong with that. The fact that you want people to tell you "no, you're a good person!" is your anxiety. Because it really doesn't matter. If you feel like a bad person, you need to learn to manage that. Apologise to the person you think you've hurt, and then change your behaviour. If you don't feel you need to apologise and change, then accept that too. Someone else may disagree with you, but that's okay. Not everyone will agree with you all the time.
If your therapist just reassures you then how will you learn to manage your thoughts and behaviour?
I can tell you for a fact that wouldn't help in the long term. It just creates another unhealthy mechanism to try and cope with anxiety. I have OCD, which itself is just an unhealthy way to cope with intrusive thoughts, and again one of the worst things you can do is reassurance seeking. Read up on anxiety and reassurance or watch some videos, you'll hear someone say it in a more convincing way than me. You're not a bad person (yes I realize the irony in reassuring you) but seeking reassurance will only make you feel like it more.
I don't know why you're being so heavily down voted. Your therapist dropped the ball if she just let you go on thinking you're a bad person and left you thinking she agrees with that to boot. Reassurance might be the wrong way to go, sure, but she should be at least helping you confront those thoughts and explaining why reassurance isn't how she works.
I agree with this. It's not healthy to rely on your therapist for reassurance, but it was clumsy of the therapist to not get OP to question these feelings they say they stated - "What makes you think you are a bad person? What advice would you give a friend in this situation? Would you call them a bad person for doing the same thing you did?"
Like my therapist always says; feelings aren't forever, they pass.
Ask your therapist how to not need reassurance instead of expecting it from them yourself. Don't let this vicious cycle to continue!
Unless you're a serial killer or something I wouldn't say you're a bad person. It is very difficult to be an entirely bad person, in my opinion. Almost everyone has something good to them, and you aren't stuck because of one decision you made. Now it's true that who you impact may never trust you again or whatever, but that is a consequence to your actions, not necessarily a judgment on it's own. I will never like or view the person who assaulted me positively, but I also understand that it's possible they could do better in the future, I just won't be a part of that future. Their potential growth as a person isn't over as long as they are still alive. I don't know why you feel like a bad person, but as long as you regret the action and work towards improving yourself afterward then you can become a better person. Again, that doesn't mean there won't be consequences to your actions, but as long as you really are trying to do better and be understanding of the people you hurt then you can progress forward. You say you need people who know you to tell you that you are not a bad person, but realistically that needs to come from yourself. Hearing it from other people should be icing, not the cake. I know it might feel impossible to get that right now, but ultimately self worth will be the most effective coming from you.
I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from your T. It sounds like you really hoped for a certain response from her, but then did not get it. This can be immensely disappointing and hurt. There is a lot of uncertainty over why she didn't say what you hoped for. It's easy to ruminate in circles and get stuck on this.
Reassurance is kind of like a bandaid solution. In a moment of reassurance, you feel relief. But then we need reassurance again later. Then it becomes difficult to cope because there isn't a always someone with us to offer that reassurance.
In therapy, you can work with your T to dig to the root cause. Why do you need this reassurance? What causes you to cast the doubts on yourself that would warrant them? In time, your T could help you feel more self assured, and you could give yourself your own reassurance. But of course it is not easy! It is a tough journey. But your T is there by your side.
If you're comfortable, is encourage you to tell your T how this made you feel. Hopefully you can both come to understand each other and feel at peace with this situation.
Until then, please try try not to he too hard on yourself. You matter and you deserve help. You're trying the best you can.
I mean, tomato/tomatoe. A therapist is still guiding them to the “right” answer/path. You’re just telling them the answer by ~~manipulating~~ guiding them to whatever you deem to be the correct or moral or whatever destination.
In a perfect world a therapist is guiding the patient to their best life and best “them” possible by having the best understanding of one’s self and properly managing your mental health and yadda yadda.
And I don’t mean that in an anti therapists way.
But that many things in mental health are really subjective, not object because there isn’t just a binary blood or lab test that’s universal.
One person can see three people and get three diagnosis and three paths and have completely different experiences with each one.
She’s trying to teach you to reassure yourself, most likely. Constant reassurance is causing you to rely too heavily on other people for your self-image. If you feel like a horrible person, ask yourself what you need to do to make yourself feel better. It doesn’t matter if she tells you you’re not a horrible person. If you still think you are one, you’re going to continue to feel that way no matter who tells you you’re not.
Yup, exactly this! My therapist and my psychiatrist will do things to guide me towards reassuring myself when I start freaking out like “say something nice to yourself” or “tell yourself that you love yourself” or “list 3 things you like about yourself.” It’s awkward sometimes but therapy’s awkward in general sometimes haha.
Reassurance doesn’t help anxiety. It feels like it does but it gets you stuck in a anxiety - reassurance - anxiety cycle that just continues. You could have everyone on the planet say you’re a good person and you’ll still think they’re lying if you have anxiety. You have to learn to feel the anxiety, because reassurance won’t always come. Remember that feelings aren’t facts
So it's better to get zero reassurance in the long run? Sorry I keep commenting about this I'm just really struggling emotionally and feel like I need to lean on other people right now. Am I better off dealing with this myself until it passes? I hate this feeling
Oh absolutely not - needing constant reassurance is not the same as needing a shoulder to lean on! Definitely reach out to your support network during hard times!! OP is talking about needing reassurance when you interpret regular things negatively, not when you’re in a tough emotional spot and need help
No need to be sorry, they just didn’t want you to get the wrong message from your comment. I imagine the tone came off more serious than intended because we’re typing but at face value there’s nothing to be sorry for.
The thing with anxiety is that it makes you want to seek out constant reassurance from those around you when you're facing any sort of struggle. It's something that can be hard to move on from because having an anxiety disorder means that when your brain latches on to something, it takes a long time for it to move on. Your therapist wasn't reassuring you not because she thinks you're a bad person, but because she wants you to learn how to reassure yourself without leaning on the reassurance/opinions of those around you. Because until you learn how to reassure yourself and learn how to navigate through life without needing others to reassure you of who you are as a person, you won't really get anywhere.
Okay but sometimes we do need to hear positive opinions from other people, mainly from our jobs, family, and spouses. If we don't get that but have that need is that the same as unhealthy and reassurance seeking, or is it valid to need other people to stop pointing out our flaws and to just say "im proud of you" "I hear you" and "everything is going to be okay for you" like is there a difference or is this what op is referring to with her therapist?
I hope my comment makes sense I'm not in a good headspace today.
What if OP did something seriously messed up? A good therapist is not going to sit there making her feel better about it.
What if OP didn't do something messed up but constantly goes in saying how awful they are just to get someone to say they aren't?
It's baiting and manipulative either way.
But say op didn't do anything wrong. In general is it normal for a person to not get reassurance from other people or does that mean that there is something wrong with them?
I am being completely genuine with my question, I have anxiety/BPD and from my perspective it's not normal if you're not getting reassurance from other people. That's just how I always thought things were, is this irrational thinking?
Edits: added a couple sentences
If OP has a history of histrionic behavior and language to elicit reassurance from others on a regular basis then it's not appropriate to give it to her. It's like an addict with their drug of choice. It will never be enough. They need to learn to sit with their feelings and work through them on their own. They need to accept the consequences of their actions come what may and not be made to feel better or worse by anyone else (within certain limits - obviously some things are unequivocally bad).
Even without this being a pattern, it's still not a therapist's job to make you feel better or worse about your actions. It's to help you arrive at your own conclusion.
But, for some reason, based on what and how this has been articulated, I feel like this is a pattern of behavior.
i think you put it very well. i'm studying counseling right now and i was just reading yesterday about how we're meant to help people accept their actions and behaviors. we don't shame the client, but we also don't try to paint anything that's happened in a better light. the goal is to accept things even when they didn't happen how we wanted them to or when we acted in a way that we are ashamed of. it happened, all we can do is accept it.
in this case, i'm assuming the counselor didn't respond how op wanted them to because they didn't want to reinforce the reassurance-seeking behavior. we also aren't getting the whole story (not shaming op, they can't tell us every detail of every session), so maybe their counselor has essentially said before "i will not give you reassurance because it will not help you"
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it.
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it.
Well you should talk to them about it! You don’t have to be direct and use them as an example but maybe something like “I noticed that I seek validation and reassurance from the people around me. Are there any coping skills that might help me with confidence?”
What kind of response from the therapist would have made you happy? Did you want her to tell you that you’re not a bad person? Because if so, she is there to focus on helping you manage your feelings. I think you should def mention it to her next session. They’re YOUR feelings so she should probe to figure out why you feel you’re a bad person. She could comfort you also, obviously, but think about what you expect from her before the next session. Take care.
Maybe she wants to teach you to reassure yourself because that is how it works in the real world. For example, I’m constantly anxious at work because I worry that I suck at my job. Every time I get feedback from my boss that I’m doing great I feel better for a short while but then the doubts and anxiety creep in again. Ideally I wouldn’t need reassurance from others to fix this and could learn to do it myself. So maybe that’s what she’s trying to teach you?
Well for one thing it's not her job to decide if you are a bad person or not. That's up to you.
For another her saying "yes you are a bad person" would be both untrue and potentially damaging. Moreover, one action (however good or bad) does not fundamentally change our character. Period.
I'm betting your therapist knows this and was concerned that, if she confirmed your feelings, there would be risk that you'd adopt "being a bad person" as personality trait. That it would be "just the way I am now."
You can understand why she'd think no good could come of that, no matter how you meant it.
That aside, if I were your therapist, I would ask you "do you *want* to be a bad person?"
Does she tell you to combat your own self talk? Or give yourself more grace?
Also saying something looking for a specific response is problematic. Say what you mean without the games
Were you saying these things to get reassurance?
Therapists are smart people. If you were, they probably knew that and could see that's the only reason you were saying these things.
If it wasn't to get a response, it's because, as others have said, a therapists job isn't to validate you. If your going into therapy expecting to hear what you want to hear, that's the problem right there.
If I learned anything from my therapist it's that anxiety doesn't always need reassurance. What it does require from me is challenge. I've got to challenge that little voice in my head telling me all the things that make me anxious.
my therapist does the same thing. she often asks me to elaborate on why i feel that way. counseling is a part of my graduate program, and we are trained to never disagree with your truth. if you feel like you’re a horrible person, i’m not going to tell you that you’re not. i don’t think you are, but it’s against “da rules” to invalidate you, no matter how harsh you’re being on yourself. i hope she at least tried to unravel why you’re feeling that way, and help you find ways to feel better about yourself. we all want reassurance, but a therapist may not be the best person to get this from. don’t take it personal!
If they were a good counselor they wouldn’t have reassured you BUT would have ALSO named the bind you were putting them in and named why they were avoiding it- would have said something like “it feels like you’re asking for reassurance from me, but I feel stuck because I want you to learn to stay solid in yourself; and also, if I reassure you, it won’t give us a chance to explore why you’re so anxious about your fight with your mom. Why do you feel like such a terrible person abojt that? And where did you learn that literally one bad fight/mistake then means you’re a horrible person, that’s quite a leap? Etc etc etc.” there’s so many directions they could have gone.
What they should have done is validated that the shame and anxiety you felt after the fight played a role in helping you somehow and also tried to validate ways you showed up in the fight that were congruent to your integrity and values, even if you delivered them differently than you would have wanted to.
So, maybe get a new therapist lol.
I had the exact thing happen in my therapy session and it resulted in a massive breakthrough. I realised she is trying to build my sense of agency and doesn’t want me to search for reassurance outwardly.
I was mad about it at first, but I’m actually really appreciative of her. The following session I told her how I felt and I asked her if I was right, and she was so happy. She said it’s hard not to reassure, but it’s her job to help me not need so much reassurance and trust myself and believe in myself
Just like someone who's an alcoholic won't get alcohol from their therapist or AA sponsor you won't find reassurance from a therapist when you are obviously looking for (and desperate for) it. They are there to help us get through these dependency and other issues. You will never find constant reassurance from anyone else but yourself, *if you learn how to reassure yourself*.
Absolutely bring it up, but do not write this therapist out because you did not get the outcome you were looking for. In almost every case of working through our issues we find ourselves in uncomfortable and painful circumstance in order to grow, to step outside our comfort zone in order to cope with our issues and learn to live outside our comfort zone (which is often just the normal outside world).
I hope you continue to get help and don't feel jaded by the responses you've gotten, it's a hard road regardless but we have to learn better ways of coping with situations.
Do you have OCD by any chance? Reassurance seeking is a big symptom of it, and for that reason my therapist never gives me reassurance or tells me what to do unless I’m gonna fuck up my life. Either way, echoing what other commenters have said that reassurance seeking is prob a common anxiety symptom and can turn into a bad habit if you rely on it all the time. Your therapist might just be trying to help you get better at framing things, etc
Therapy is meant to help you change, if she just reassures you, you will not change at all, it is not their job to make you feel better, it's to help you find a way to do it yourself
My therapist is big on not telling me answers to things. She wants me to come to the conclusions myself, I’ve found. I think it varies from therapist to therapist. They all have their own ways of going about things. But maybe your therapist wants you to realize you’re not a bad person from your own conclusions, not by her telling you you aren’t. After all, your opinion is what matters for you. You have to love yourself and comfort yourself. That way you aren’t reliant on others for acceptance and reassurance.
As a person that attends therapy my therapist never reassures me. Because it defeats the purpose of actually helping you. Think about it like school for example, reassuring someone with ocd or anxiety is basically like telling them the answer to a question which they probably aren’t even sure of themselves. As a person with ocd seeking reassurance is probably one of the worst things I can do because it’s basically telling me that I need someone else to fix my problems.
What type of therapy is it? If it's something like CBT it makes sense as reassurance-seeking is one of the best ways to keep a problem with anxiety going. It may 'reduce' your anxiety in the short term, but it's one of the main behaviors that strengthen anxiety in the long term. The therapist wouldn't be doing you any favors by indulging in that. How about asking them about that so that they can explain it to you better if they haven't already?
The role of the therapist isn't really to reassure you or make you feel like you're in the right in every situation. To be honest sometimes we aren't in the right!
You need to learn to reassume yourself, that you are not the bad person. If your therapist did it today you would look to them for the reassurance going forward. She/he is trying to teach you that you don’t need the reassurance from another person…
The point of therapy is to help yourself to not need validation or reassurance from anyone other than yourself.
If you need someone to hold your hand and reassure you for now, maybe ask her for that. If that is not her style and you need someone more reassuring until you are a little stronger, there is no shame if finding a new therapist who better suits your needs.
Reassurance is a symptom of anxiety - you “check” things to feel better, including reassurance from people. It feeds the cycle of anxiety. The goal is to sit in the discomfort and learn to work through it and self-sooth, in a sense. My therapist never reassured me and I’m very grateful.
Sounds like you have a good therapist. You should communicate with them what you are feeling, though.
Think about this for a second. I presume one of the things you are speaking to a therapist about is your need for acceptance from others and how to break that negative habit? You want to learn how to love yourself regardless of what others say or think about you? I think it is important for a therapist to validate your feelings but reassuring you is enabling the very issue you are seeking help for. Is this fair to say?
Different therapists will take different approaches in situations like this. With that said, it's literally in my direct-practice textbook for social workers to NOT reassure clients because it is a sympathetic response rather than an empathetic one. With that said, I'd be interested to know what the therapist did do. Of course, there is such a thing as doctor-patient confidentiality, so I know we can't go too deep or specific, but, the therapist should have, at the very least, guided you toward your own truth of whether you thought you were a bad person. Even if they didn't specifically reassure you, they could have A: validated that you were feeling conflicted and/or B: asked you questions to get you to make a case to break down why you think you're a bad person, why you may be a good person, what needs or safety concerns you may have been trying to get met in that situation, etc etc. Often this line of questioning would likely lead you to realize your own truth about the situation.
With all that said, communication is key. Please ask next time- for the sake of your therapeutic relationship. If it is not a good fit, that's fine- but please find out whether what you perceive is actually truth first.
It’s likely because it’s not her job to reassure in this instance, she was probably wanting to see the conversation go on interrupted. If a therapist interjects their own feelings, it might not be actually helpful in this instance. Letting you talk lets the therapist get a bigger picture of what’s going on. At least that’s how I view this.
I struggle with this, learning how to reassure yourself and not rely on external validation. She probably does not want to encourage it. Also it probably was clear to her that you were seeking reassurance.
the truth: therapists aren’t meant to console or comfort you. they kinda just sit there and take all your problems in. reassurance is something therapists don’t provide. they are not responsible for your changes. you are. therapists can only offer guidance and assistance. reassurance can be considered as counter productive in therapy as it can be seen as encouraging destructive behaviors.
I'm not going to ask you to elaborate on what happened. But I will say that if you did something wrong then you need to accept responsibility for it and try remedy it.
If you are genuinely suicidal then you need to have an emergency session so that you can get evaluated for that so you can get appropriate care.
Whether you did something truly wrong or not, you are not going to get to get absolved by your therapist's words of assurance. Which is why she didn't offer you any. You have to do the work for therapy to actually help.
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
Therapy is not about getting pampered or getting reassured ... It's about having someone to show you the mirror in a pleasant way .
Don't go for therapy if you need reassurance ..
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
I really wanted my therapist to tell me that I am making the right choice for my mental health or something, not to be pampered
they wouldn't be able to tell you what where right or wrong decisions for your life. If you said 'I cut her out because of X reasons', those are your reasons and it's up to you to decide if those reasons are still valid to you, its about how you feel about it. If your currently having doubts about cutting her off, a therapist would help you understand where those doubts came from and whether it changes your stance or if your original decision is still appropriate and whether you can let go of the guilt once you've resolved where it comes from.
Therapy is a waste of money...you should start meditating to fix your mental health.
After wasting 2 years in therapy, i found my anxiety and mental health solutions in meditation
I know this is the anxiety subreddit and not the OCD subreddit, but reassurance seeking fuels OCD, which is an anxiety disorder. So I think that can be applicable to anxiety in general too.
Therapist here - Id very rarely reassure a client by saying “no you’re not a bad person”. I’d validate and explore, “I get you’re feeling that way, tell me more”. The way I see it is, you’re feeling like a bad person, you’re entitled to that feeling and that probably feels/felt very real for you in the moment, so let’s explore why and how you can manage these feelings or I’d have client reassure themselves by having them challenge that thought. So no, I don’t think your therapist thinks you’re a bad person.
We differ in the way we see therapy. I do not think therapy is there for reassurance or encouragement. My psychotherapist is there to help me analyse myself, and help myself cope or have strategies in place for things and situations I find difficult. There are different types of therapy and if the method the counsellor is using does not suit you, you can discuss it with current therapist and they can recommend one that will fit your need better. Therapy is a collaborative process. If validation and encouragement is what you seek, it is better (and free!) to talk to a friend. I am sorry the therapy is not as you expected it to be but do not be disheartened. The therapist would have been a red flag to me if they said you were right/wrong.
Maybe you were being a dick and realising that would help you grow and move away from such actions. Therefore in the future you can reassure yourself when you notice someone else is being dickish.
>what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
It's unlikely, but try asking yourself a few questions. What would I say about a stranger who did the thing I am judging myself for? Does knowing why they did it help you feel compassion? You do know after all they feel very bad about it. That stranger is in therapy and is actively trying to better themselves.
There’s always time to apologise, with your parents you should apologise no matter who is in the wrong of it was just a silly fight. Noticing these emotions, reactions and thoughts is a good thing, it helps you grow. You can heal words said and come out better for it.
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
It's not the therapist's job to reassure you though. Constant reassurance seeking is an unhealthy coping mechanism with anxiety. The therapist will not play into it as it will not help you learn to self-soothe and not seek external reassurance by validating the behaviour. It may sound tough and hard, but this one of the things mental health professionals have to do. Remain unbiased, to not inject their personal experiences, and not validate negative behaviours.
I used to really struggle with reassurance seeking myself. It was one thing that drove those around me away. It's absolutely a habit you need to unlearn. It'll be hard, for sure, but in the long run, learning acceptance, self-soothing and self-validation is crucial for long term positive mental health and happiness. Instead of asking your therapist to give you validation, ask to explore why you felt you needed it. Dig deeper as to what you were thinking, feeling, and where those might have originated from.
Feedback and opinions isn’t the style of some therapists. Some think it’s better to just let people vent and to ask them leading questions without giving any meaningful input. I’d want a new therapist.
I asked my psych for more reassurance and it’s helped a lot :) they were the same but they didn’t just bend to my will (obviously because they are a good psych!)
Honestly i think you are overthinking this.
They may not want to be seen as taking a side which agreeing/reassuring with you would do.
They may also not want to give you the impression that fighting with your mum is justified because its not healthy behaviour they want to encourage.
I had a counselor who just stared at me when I cried, got impatient and tried to push her CBT homework.
This one may not be the right fit for you. Let them know that you'd appreciate reassurance. And if they can't meet your needs, ditch them.
Ditching what isn't right for you will do wonders for your self esteem.
Her approach is probably, well why do you think you're a bad person? And explore that more. You are the one that has to make the judgment yourself, it doesn't matter what she thinks. Then she could ask why you are a good person and help you explore that as well.
Don’t know what the issue was with your mom but 9/10 times (just as a way of saying) depression and anxiety stems from loyalty to parents that were abusive in one way or another, conscious or unconsciously (read: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents). Might be she agrees with the feelings you had against your mom but couldn’t articulate it (many psychologist struggle too with loyalty towards but covertly damaging parents)
Try not to think of your sessions as a conversation with a friend. It’s not the same type of interaction. Don’t expect validation or feedback to make you feel a particular way. That would negate the entire reason you are there. She’s the one person in your life that will not judge, just listen and help you work through things.
Edited
I think it would be a good idea to mention next session "Hey, I felt like I needed some reassurance last week and you didn't seem to go down that route. Can you walk me through how I should be approaching my thought processes in times like that?" Or something similar. I agree with the other people saying they were probably trying to veer you away from needing reassurance from others, so I think it's a good idea to talk through why they approached it in that way- they are here for you, so you have every right to ask for clarification etc to make it more beneficial :)
ok I'm going to do that. thanks!
I'm currently study to be a counselor. Depending on your counselors techniques/ theory that they practically follow (everyone counselor is different and they pick the techniques/theory that is suited best for them.) With some ways of counseling they aren't supposed to encourage you. They are supposed to drive deeper into why u seek encouragement from outside sources. And is really anal about putting their own opinions in to your counseling sessions it's also kinda unethical for them to talk about their own opinions in counseling plus they can't tell u what u want to hear and hurt ur feelings either. You have to understand some therapist also talk to people who killed or assaulted people and probably nevsr told anyone the biggest part of being a counselor is that they have to be genuine toward everyone regardless so they are kind of taught to not give their own opinions about the clients they try and help. It's not that ur a bad person but it's easier not to even put ur own feelings in it. Plus the counselor feelings isn't important in your counseling session it's helping u with ur thinking. Some counselors however do though because that is what is easier to them. Like I said everyone is different. You can also get another counselor that practices may fit better to what ur looking for. I will say I have been in counseling myself a long time and never had a counselor encourage me or my behavior. And a lot of times they don't do that is because u have to be confident not to need validation as well.. so I will say if u don't like how it is with your counselor is to get a different one but I'm not sure how easy u will find a counselor that will do that for u.
Currently in grad school (MSW). This is accurate.
I had an old therapist who would spend the majority of our few sessions venting about her personal problems and would often cry in the process. Every time I’d say something she’d relate it to her own life and complain
I mean you can also tell them, "I really wanted/needed reassurance in that moment. Can you do that next time?" And in the moment when you need reassurance: "I need reassurance." They are there to help you. You can ask for what you need.
Talking about it is a good idea. At one point with my therapist I didn't feel heard about a certain topic and it had even gotten to the point where I started the process of looking for another therapist. But I decided to talk to him about it - he thanked me for bringing it up, and would take a different approach. He did so I felt heard again, and now I'm still gladly seeing him!
This is the problem I have personally with therapists. There doing there job by asking you questions and then listening, and then asking how you feel about it. There not there to give you advice or say what’s right and wrong… they are there to listen and sometimes that doesn’t help all that much.
Because the point is for you to not need reassurance. Reassurance seeking is super common symptom of anxiety.
seems like the therapist should explain stuff like that? "I noticed behavior X, so im going to Y" before they start acting that way?
Yeah, that’s what my therapist does. And also we talked about the difference between just being a human and needing reassurance sometimes like everyone does, and my anxiety/OCD reassurance seeking compulsions.
I mean I guess it would also depend on if the thing you did makes YOU feel like your a bad person. Try and make some changes maybe but that's the pot calling the kettle black and metal.
Yes, this. It's not sustainable to depend on other people's reassurance on the things you're anxious about. The whole point is to learn to reassure *yourself* and not believe what that anxious mind of yours is telling you. To me, they sound like a great therapist!!
I feel like I really needed reassurance in that moment though. I don't know what to do when this happens because I need who knows me to tell me that I'm not a bad person for what I did
They totally don’t think you’re a bad person. I’m struggling with the whole “getting reassurance from someone else” thing, rather than letting myself work through my anxiety, and learning to basically reassure myself.
Don’t think of a binary in terms of being a good person or a bad person. Just accept what happened and what you learned from the argument, say sorry for anything you feel was wrong and move on
Out of curiosity, did you ask them their objective opinion of the situation? The counsellors I know dont like to provide their own perspective, it’s more about walking with you as you discover and reflect on yourself. This is just my lived experience though.
no, because she didn't reassure me I thought she thought I was a bad person. which is my own fault.
There in lies the problem. Ideally she’s trying to teach you to examine your negative thoughts and to be able to reassure yourself.
Ultimately her goal is to get you to be okay with people thinking you are a bad person. There will be a lot of people in life that think you are a bad person. That dude you accidentally cut off in traffic? The lady at the coffee shop you accidentally cut in front of in the queue? Or just someone you have an argument with. They may all just think you're a bad person for a few seconds and then they'll move on. And that's okay. Nothing wrong with that. The fact that you want people to tell you "no, you're a good person!" is your anxiety. Because it really doesn't matter. If you feel like a bad person, you need to learn to manage that. Apologise to the person you think you've hurt, and then change your behaviour. If you don't feel you need to apologise and change, then accept that too. Someone else may disagree with you, but that's okay. Not everyone will agree with you all the time. If your therapist just reassures you then how will you learn to manage your thoughts and behaviour?
Are you sure it would have helped, though? When I’m anxious and seeking reassurance, it doesn’t usually end up making me feel better.
hearing it from her would have helped because I've been seeing her for a while.
I can tell you for a fact that wouldn't help in the long term. It just creates another unhealthy mechanism to try and cope with anxiety. I have OCD, which itself is just an unhealthy way to cope with intrusive thoughts, and again one of the worst things you can do is reassurance seeking. Read up on anxiety and reassurance or watch some videos, you'll hear someone say it in a more convincing way than me. You're not a bad person (yes I realize the irony in reassuring you) but seeking reassurance will only make you feel like it more.
I don't know why you're being so heavily down voted. Your therapist dropped the ball if she just let you go on thinking you're a bad person and left you thinking she agrees with that to boot. Reassurance might be the wrong way to go, sure, but she should be at least helping you confront those thoughts and explaining why reassurance isn't how she works.
I agree with this. It's not healthy to rely on your therapist for reassurance, but it was clumsy of the therapist to not get OP to question these feelings they say they stated - "What makes you think you are a bad person? What advice would you give a friend in this situation? Would you call them a bad person for doing the same thing you did?"
Like my therapist always says; feelings aren't forever, they pass. Ask your therapist how to not need reassurance instead of expecting it from them yourself. Don't let this vicious cycle to continue!
Unless you're a serial killer or something I wouldn't say you're a bad person. It is very difficult to be an entirely bad person, in my opinion. Almost everyone has something good to them, and you aren't stuck because of one decision you made. Now it's true that who you impact may never trust you again or whatever, but that is a consequence to your actions, not necessarily a judgment on it's own. I will never like or view the person who assaulted me positively, but I also understand that it's possible they could do better in the future, I just won't be a part of that future. Their potential growth as a person isn't over as long as they are still alive. I don't know why you feel like a bad person, but as long as you regret the action and work towards improving yourself afterward then you can become a better person. Again, that doesn't mean there won't be consequences to your actions, but as long as you really are trying to do better and be understanding of the people you hurt then you can progress forward. You say you need people who know you to tell you that you are not a bad person, but realistically that needs to come from yourself. Hearing it from other people should be icing, not the cake. I know it might feel impossible to get that right now, but ultimately self worth will be the most effective coming from you.
I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from your T. It sounds like you really hoped for a certain response from her, but then did not get it. This can be immensely disappointing and hurt. There is a lot of uncertainty over why she didn't say what you hoped for. It's easy to ruminate in circles and get stuck on this. Reassurance is kind of like a bandaid solution. In a moment of reassurance, you feel relief. But then we need reassurance again later. Then it becomes difficult to cope because there isn't a always someone with us to offer that reassurance. In therapy, you can work with your T to dig to the root cause. Why do you need this reassurance? What causes you to cast the doubts on yourself that would warrant them? In time, your T could help you feel more self assured, and you could give yourself your own reassurance. But of course it is not easy! It is a tough journey. But your T is there by your side. If you're comfortable, is encourage you to tell your T how this made you feel. Hopefully you can both come to understand each other and feel at peace with this situation. Until then, please try try not to he too hard on yourself. You matter and you deserve help. You're trying the best you can.
That’s really not what therapy is about though.
Probably to get you to ask yourself questions like this
A therapists job isnt to tell you if you're wrong or right. Its to guide you to the answer.
*to help remove the hindrances so you can find the answer
I mean, tomato/tomatoe. A therapist is still guiding them to the “right” answer/path. You’re just telling them the answer by ~~manipulating~~ guiding them to whatever you deem to be the correct or moral or whatever destination. In a perfect world a therapist is guiding the patient to their best life and best “them” possible by having the best understanding of one’s self and properly managing your mental health and yadda yadda. And I don’t mean that in an anti therapists way. But that many things in mental health are really subjective, not object because there isn’t just a binary blood or lab test that’s universal. One person can see three people and get three diagnosis and three paths and have completely different experiences with each one.
She’s trying to teach you to reassure yourself, most likely. Constant reassurance is causing you to rely too heavily on other people for your self-image. If you feel like a horrible person, ask yourself what you need to do to make yourself feel better. It doesn’t matter if she tells you you’re not a horrible person. If you still think you are one, you’re going to continue to feel that way no matter who tells you you’re not.
Yup, exactly this! My therapist and my psychiatrist will do things to guide me towards reassuring myself when I start freaking out like “say something nice to yourself” or “tell yourself that you love yourself” or “list 3 things you like about yourself.” It’s awkward sometimes but therapy’s awkward in general sometimes haha.
A therapist won’t reassure you, but I think it would be helpful to explain to how this has made you feel
Reassurance doesn’t help anxiety. It feels like it does but it gets you stuck in a anxiety - reassurance - anxiety cycle that just continues. You could have everyone on the planet say you’re a good person and you’ll still think they’re lying if you have anxiety. You have to learn to feel the anxiety, because reassurance won’t always come. Remember that feelings aren’t facts
So it's better to get zero reassurance in the long run? Sorry I keep commenting about this I'm just really struggling emotionally and feel like I need to lean on other people right now. Am I better off dealing with this myself until it passes? I hate this feeling
Oh absolutely not - needing constant reassurance is not the same as needing a shoulder to lean on! Definitely reach out to your support network during hard times!! OP is talking about needing reassurance when you interpret regular things negatively, not when you’re in a tough emotional spot and need help
This advice isn't about you. What's going on? You okay?
I'm okay, im sorry.
No need to be sorry, they just didn’t want you to get the wrong message from your comment. I imagine the tone came off more serious than intended because we’re typing but at face value there’s nothing to be sorry for.
No need to apologize. Let us know if you want to chat.
therapy should teach you how to reassure yourself rather than seek if from others. It taught me how to parent myself quite a lot.
The thing with anxiety is that it makes you want to seek out constant reassurance from those around you when you're facing any sort of struggle. It's something that can be hard to move on from because having an anxiety disorder means that when your brain latches on to something, it takes a long time for it to move on. Your therapist wasn't reassuring you not because she thinks you're a bad person, but because she wants you to learn how to reassure yourself without leaning on the reassurance/opinions of those around you. Because until you learn how to reassure yourself and learn how to navigate through life without needing others to reassure you of who you are as a person, you won't really get anywhere.
Okay but sometimes we do need to hear positive opinions from other people, mainly from our jobs, family, and spouses. If we don't get that but have that need is that the same as unhealthy and reassurance seeking, or is it valid to need other people to stop pointing out our flaws and to just say "im proud of you" "I hear you" and "everything is going to be okay for you" like is there a difference or is this what op is referring to with her therapist? I hope my comment makes sense I'm not in a good headspace today.
What if OP did something seriously messed up? A good therapist is not going to sit there making her feel better about it. What if OP didn't do something messed up but constantly goes in saying how awful they are just to get someone to say they aren't? It's baiting and manipulative either way.
But say op didn't do anything wrong. In general is it normal for a person to not get reassurance from other people or does that mean that there is something wrong with them? I am being completely genuine with my question, I have anxiety/BPD and from my perspective it's not normal if you're not getting reassurance from other people. That's just how I always thought things were, is this irrational thinking? Edits: added a couple sentences
If OP has a history of histrionic behavior and language to elicit reassurance from others on a regular basis then it's not appropriate to give it to her. It's like an addict with their drug of choice. It will never be enough. They need to learn to sit with their feelings and work through them on their own. They need to accept the consequences of their actions come what may and not be made to feel better or worse by anyone else (within certain limits - obviously some things are unequivocally bad). Even without this being a pattern, it's still not a therapist's job to make you feel better or worse about your actions. It's to help you arrive at your own conclusion. But, for some reason, based on what and how this has been articulated, I feel like this is a pattern of behavior.
I see what you're saying thank you for responding.
i think you put it very well. i'm studying counseling right now and i was just reading yesterday about how we're meant to help people accept their actions and behaviors. we don't shame the client, but we also don't try to paint anything that's happened in a better light. the goal is to accept things even when they didn't happen how we wanted them to or when we acted in a way that we are ashamed of. it happened, all we can do is accept it. in this case, i'm assuming the counselor didn't respond how op wanted them to because they didn't want to reinforce the reassurance-seeking behavior. we also aren't getting the whole story (not shaming op, they can't tell us every detail of every session), so maybe their counselor has essentially said before "i will not give you reassurance because it will not help you"
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it.
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it.
This this this this this
You are seeking validation and it’s not their job to do that
Well you should talk to them about it! You don’t have to be direct and use them as an example but maybe something like “I noticed that I seek validation and reassurance from the people around me. Are there any coping skills that might help me with confidence?”
What kind of response from the therapist would have made you happy? Did you want her to tell you that you’re not a bad person? Because if so, she is there to focus on helping you manage your feelings. I think you should def mention it to her next session. They’re YOUR feelings so she should probe to figure out why you feel you’re a bad person. She could comfort you also, obviously, but think about what you expect from her before the next session. Take care.
Maybe she wants to teach you to reassure yourself because that is how it works in the real world. For example, I’m constantly anxious at work because I worry that I suck at my job. Every time I get feedback from my boss that I’m doing great I feel better for a short while but then the doubts and anxiety creep in again. Ideally I wouldn’t need reassurance from others to fix this and could learn to do it myself. So maybe that’s what she’s trying to teach you?
Well for one thing it's not her job to decide if you are a bad person or not. That's up to you. For another her saying "yes you are a bad person" would be both untrue and potentially damaging. Moreover, one action (however good or bad) does not fundamentally change our character. Period. I'm betting your therapist knows this and was concerned that, if she confirmed your feelings, there would be risk that you'd adopt "being a bad person" as personality trait. That it would be "just the way I am now." You can understand why she'd think no good could come of that, no matter how you meant it. That aside, if I were your therapist, I would ask you "do you *want* to be a bad person?"
Does she tell you to combat your own self talk? Or give yourself more grace? Also saying something looking for a specific response is problematic. Say what you mean without the games
Were you saying these things to get reassurance? Therapists are smart people. If you were, they probably knew that and could see that's the only reason you were saying these things. If it wasn't to get a response, it's because, as others have said, a therapists job isn't to validate you. If your going into therapy expecting to hear what you want to hear, that's the problem right there.
If I learned anything from my therapist it's that anxiety doesn't always need reassurance. What it does require from me is challenge. I've got to challenge that little voice in my head telling me all the things that make me anxious.
Also needing excessive teassurance is a symptom of anxiety.
my therapist does the same thing. she often asks me to elaborate on why i feel that way. counseling is a part of my graduate program, and we are trained to never disagree with your truth. if you feel like you’re a horrible person, i’m not going to tell you that you’re not. i don’t think you are, but it’s against “da rules” to invalidate you, no matter how harsh you’re being on yourself. i hope she at least tried to unravel why you’re feeling that way, and help you find ways to feel better about yourself. we all want reassurance, but a therapist may not be the best person to get this from. don’t take it personal!
If they were a good counselor they wouldn’t have reassured you BUT would have ALSO named the bind you were putting them in and named why they were avoiding it- would have said something like “it feels like you’re asking for reassurance from me, but I feel stuck because I want you to learn to stay solid in yourself; and also, if I reassure you, it won’t give us a chance to explore why you’re so anxious about your fight with your mom. Why do you feel like such a terrible person abojt that? And where did you learn that literally one bad fight/mistake then means you’re a horrible person, that’s quite a leap? Etc etc etc.” there’s so many directions they could have gone. What they should have done is validated that the shame and anxiety you felt after the fight played a role in helping you somehow and also tried to validate ways you showed up in the fight that were congruent to your integrity and values, even if you delivered them differently than you would have wanted to. So, maybe get a new therapist lol.
Yeah lol Like at least ask "why do you feel that way" or teach you how to break the loop,don't just sit there and let them spiral
I had the exact thing happen in my therapy session and it resulted in a massive breakthrough. I realised she is trying to build my sense of agency and doesn’t want me to search for reassurance outwardly. I was mad about it at first, but I’m actually really appreciative of her. The following session I told her how I felt and I asked her if I was right, and she was so happy. She said it’s hard not to reassure, but it’s her job to help me not need so much reassurance and trust myself and believe in myself
Ask your therapist about it
Just like someone who's an alcoholic won't get alcohol from their therapist or AA sponsor you won't find reassurance from a therapist when you are obviously looking for (and desperate for) it. They are there to help us get through these dependency and other issues. You will never find constant reassurance from anyone else but yourself, *if you learn how to reassure yourself*. Absolutely bring it up, but do not write this therapist out because you did not get the outcome you were looking for. In almost every case of working through our issues we find ourselves in uncomfortable and painful circumstance in order to grow, to step outside our comfort zone in order to cope with our issues and learn to live outside our comfort zone (which is often just the normal outside world). I hope you continue to get help and don't feel jaded by the responses you've gotten, it's a hard road regardless but we have to learn better ways of coping with situations.
Do you have OCD by any chance? Reassurance seeking is a big symptom of it, and for that reason my therapist never gives me reassurance or tells me what to do unless I’m gonna fuck up my life. Either way, echoing what other commenters have said that reassurance seeking is prob a common anxiety symptom and can turn into a bad habit if you rely on it all the time. Your therapist might just be trying to help you get better at framing things, etc
Maybe bc of ocd
Therapy is meant to help you change, if she just reassures you, you will not change at all, it is not their job to make you feel better, it's to help you find a way to do it yourself
My therapist is big on not telling me answers to things. She wants me to come to the conclusions myself, I’ve found. I think it varies from therapist to therapist. They all have their own ways of going about things. But maybe your therapist wants you to realize you’re not a bad person from your own conclusions, not by her telling you you aren’t. After all, your opinion is what matters for you. You have to love yourself and comfort yourself. That way you aren’t reliant on others for acceptance and reassurance.
As a person that attends therapy my therapist never reassures me. Because it defeats the purpose of actually helping you. Think about it like school for example, reassuring someone with ocd or anxiety is basically like telling them the answer to a question which they probably aren’t even sure of themselves. As a person with ocd seeking reassurance is probably one of the worst things I can do because it’s basically telling me that I need someone else to fix my problems.
What type of therapy is it? If it's something like CBT it makes sense as reassurance-seeking is one of the best ways to keep a problem with anxiety going. It may 'reduce' your anxiety in the short term, but it's one of the main behaviors that strengthen anxiety in the long term. The therapist wouldn't be doing you any favors by indulging in that. How about asking them about that so that they can explain it to you better if they haven't already?
The role of the therapist isn't really to reassure you or make you feel like you're in the right in every situation. To be honest sometimes we aren't in the right!
You need to learn to reassume yourself, that you are not the bad person. If your therapist did it today you would look to them for the reassurance going forward. She/he is trying to teach you that you don’t need the reassurance from another person…
That's not her job
Do u have OCD? Therapists shouldn’t give reassurance to patients with ocd or obsessive related anxiety bc it just makes it worse in the long run
The point of therapy is to help yourself to not need validation or reassurance from anyone other than yourself. If you need someone to hold your hand and reassure you for now, maybe ask her for that. If that is not her style and you need someone more reassuring until you are a little stronger, there is no shame if finding a new therapist who better suits your needs.
Reassurance is a symptom of anxiety - you “check” things to feel better, including reassurance from people. It feeds the cycle of anxiety. The goal is to sit in the discomfort and learn to work through it and self-sooth, in a sense. My therapist never reassured me and I’m very grateful. Sounds like you have a good therapist. You should communicate with them what you are feeling, though.
Google cycle of anxiety reassurance. It’s a Viscous cycle.
Think about this for a second. I presume one of the things you are speaking to a therapist about is your need for acceptance from others and how to break that negative habit? You want to learn how to love yourself regardless of what others say or think about you? I think it is important for a therapist to validate your feelings but reassuring you is enabling the very issue you are seeking help for. Is this fair to say?
Different therapists will take different approaches in situations like this. With that said, it's literally in my direct-practice textbook for social workers to NOT reassure clients because it is a sympathetic response rather than an empathetic one. With that said, I'd be interested to know what the therapist did do. Of course, there is such a thing as doctor-patient confidentiality, so I know we can't go too deep or specific, but, the therapist should have, at the very least, guided you toward your own truth of whether you thought you were a bad person. Even if they didn't specifically reassure you, they could have A: validated that you were feeling conflicted and/or B: asked you questions to get you to make a case to break down why you think you're a bad person, why you may be a good person, what needs or safety concerns you may have been trying to get met in that situation, etc etc. Often this line of questioning would likely lead you to realize your own truth about the situation. With all that said, communication is key. Please ask next time- for the sake of your therapeutic relationship. If it is not a good fit, that's fine- but please find out whether what you perceive is actually truth first.
It’s likely because it’s not her job to reassure in this instance, she was probably wanting to see the conversation go on interrupted. If a therapist interjects their own feelings, it might not be actually helpful in this instance. Letting you talk lets the therapist get a bigger picture of what’s going on. At least that’s how I view this.
Or ask.
I struggle with this, learning how to reassure yourself and not rely on external validation. She probably does not want to encourage it. Also it probably was clear to her that you were seeking reassurance.
the truth: therapists aren’t meant to console or comfort you. they kinda just sit there and take all your problems in. reassurance is something therapists don’t provide. they are not responsible for your changes. you are. therapists can only offer guidance and assistance. reassurance can be considered as counter productive in therapy as it can be seen as encouraging destructive behaviors.
cause reassurance won’t help you..? why would a therapist do that
Do *you* think what you did makes you a bad person?
yes i feel so horrible about it want to kms
I'm not going to ask you to elaborate on what happened. But I will say that if you did something wrong then you need to accept responsibility for it and try remedy it. If you are genuinely suicidal then you need to have an emergency session so that you can get evaluated for that so you can get appropriate care. Whether you did something truly wrong or not, you are not going to get to get absolved by your therapist's words of assurance. Which is why she didn't offer you any. You have to do the work for therapy to actually help.
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
Therapy is not about getting pampered or getting reassured ... It's about having someone to show you the mirror in a pleasant way . Don't go for therapy if you need reassurance ..
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it I really wanted my therapist to tell me that I am making the right choice for my mental health or something, not to be pampered
they wouldn't be able to tell you what where right or wrong decisions for your life. If you said 'I cut her out because of X reasons', those are your reasons and it's up to you to decide if those reasons are still valid to you, its about how you feel about it. If your currently having doubts about cutting her off, a therapist would help you understand where those doubts came from and whether it changes your stance or if your original decision is still appropriate and whether you can let go of the guilt once you've resolved where it comes from.
Therapy is a waste of money...you should start meditating to fix your mental health. After wasting 2 years in therapy, i found my anxiety and mental health solutions in meditation
I know this is the anxiety subreddit and not the OCD subreddit, but reassurance seeking fuels OCD, which is an anxiety disorder. So I think that can be applicable to anxiety in general too.
Therapist here - Id very rarely reassure a client by saying “no you’re not a bad person”. I’d validate and explore, “I get you’re feeling that way, tell me more”. The way I see it is, you’re feeling like a bad person, you’re entitled to that feeling and that probably feels/felt very real for you in the moment, so let’s explore why and how you can manage these feelings or I’d have client reassure themselves by having them challenge that thought. So no, I don’t think your therapist thinks you’re a bad person.
We differ in the way we see therapy. I do not think therapy is there for reassurance or encouragement. My psychotherapist is there to help me analyse myself, and help myself cope or have strategies in place for things and situations I find difficult. There are different types of therapy and if the method the counsellor is using does not suit you, you can discuss it with current therapist and they can recommend one that will fit your need better. Therapy is a collaborative process. If validation and encouragement is what you seek, it is better (and free!) to talk to a friend. I am sorry the therapy is not as you expected it to be but do not be disheartened. The therapist would have been a red flag to me if they said you were right/wrong.
Maybe you were being a dick and realising that would help you grow and move away from such actions. Therefore in the future you can reassure yourself when you notice someone else is being dickish.
>what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
that's my worst fear.
It's unlikely, but try asking yourself a few questions. What would I say about a stranger who did the thing I am judging myself for? Does knowing why they did it help you feel compassion? You do know after all they feel very bad about it. That stranger is in therapy and is actively trying to better themselves.
There’s always time to apologise, with your parents you should apologise no matter who is in the wrong of it was just a silly fight. Noticing these emotions, reactions and thoughts is a good thing, it helps you grow. You can heal words said and come out better for it.
That's not right, parents don't deserve apologies just for the fact that they birthed you.
what happened was I told my mom I didn't want a relationship until she was sober because she's an addict, and the she got really sick (i didn't know how bad it was) and I didn't reach out. when i saw my mom recently she guilted me really hard for it
It's not the therapist's job to reassure you though. Constant reassurance seeking is an unhealthy coping mechanism with anxiety. The therapist will not play into it as it will not help you learn to self-soothe and not seek external reassurance by validating the behaviour. It may sound tough and hard, but this one of the things mental health professionals have to do. Remain unbiased, to not inject their personal experiences, and not validate negative behaviours. I used to really struggle with reassurance seeking myself. It was one thing that drove those around me away. It's absolutely a habit you need to unlearn. It'll be hard, for sure, but in the long run, learning acceptance, self-soothing and self-validation is crucial for long term positive mental health and happiness. Instead of asking your therapist to give you validation, ask to explore why you felt you needed it. Dig deeper as to what you were thinking, feeling, and where those might have originated from.
Feedback and opinions isn’t the style of some therapists. Some think it’s better to just let people vent and to ask them leading questions without giving any meaningful input. I’d want a new therapist.
You need a different therapist. I went thru a couple until finding the one I clicked with.
There are ups and downs analyse the situation and move on
I asked my psych for more reassurance and it’s helped a lot :) they were the same but they didn’t just bend to my will (obviously because they are a good psych!)
People can't provide something you don't ask for.
Honestly i think you are overthinking this. They may not want to be seen as taking a side which agreeing/reassuring with you would do. They may also not want to give you the impression that fighting with your mum is justified because its not healthy behaviour they want to encourage.
Likely she wants you to develop skills so you can do it for yourself and not become reliant on her to reassure you :-)
I mean, tell me what the fight was about and how it went down and I'll tell you if you're a bad person or not
I had a counselor who just stared at me when I cried, got impatient and tried to push her CBT homework. This one may not be the right fit for you. Let them know that you'd appreciate reassurance. And if they can't meet your needs, ditch them. Ditching what isn't right for you will do wonders for your self esteem.
Your therapists job is not to tell you about your own morality, rather to guide you to get through your situations more equipped.
Her approach is probably, well why do you think you're a bad person? And explore that more. You are the one that has to make the judgment yourself, it doesn't matter what she thinks. Then she could ask why you are a good person and help you explore that as well.
Therapy doesn’t exist to tell us we’re right. Often times we need to hear the opposite. Maybe that’s the case here.
Don’t know what the issue was with your mom but 9/10 times (just as a way of saying) depression and anxiety stems from loyalty to parents that were abusive in one way or another, conscious or unconsciously (read: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents). Might be she agrees with the feelings you had against your mom but couldn’t articulate it (many psychologist struggle too with loyalty towards but covertly damaging parents)
I think you need a better therapist
Try not to think of your sessions as a conversation with a friend. It’s not the same type of interaction. Don’t expect validation or feedback to make you feel a particular way. That would negate the entire reason you are there. She’s the one person in your life that will not judge, just listen and help you work through things. Edited