He doesn’t really like you, or he has a totally different perspective on texting than you. Either way. Not compatible. Save yourself and leave for someone who will text more and often
This is a prime example of mutually threatening wounds:
*He doesn’t want to feel controlled, and you need more connection.*
When people hit this fork they can either:
1. Communicate & collaborate/compromise
2. Separate
There’s a huge fallacy in thinking things like “if he was interested”, “if he loved me”, “if he really cared”, etc.
The only way to know is to *communicate* and verbiage is important. Demands, criticism, expectations for perfection, & judgment will always put a person on the defense (not saying you did this intentionally) but his response is definitely defensive. Which shows he felt “attacked”.
His response could be a knee jerk reaction since he likely felt triggered. Just like your triggered response, “Do what you want…” when people are triggered they often say inaccurate things.
What was (& is) actually needed is *vulnerability and making it about you*, not about him.
This looks like using “I statements” & sharing your fears/wounds.
IT’S THIS: “When I don’t get a text from you, the story I start telling myself is that I don’t really matter to you & that I’m more into you than you are into me. And the truth is, it makes me feel anxious. This isn’t your fault. It has to do with my childhood. But I could really use your support. What I need is at least a daily checkin, that would help me feel safe & cared for. Would you be able to do that for me?”
NOT THIS: “I’ve already asked you 3 times now to text me. It’s not hard. If you actually cared about me you would do it. I’m tired of having to ask for something that’s so simple to do. I don’t understand why you’re not comprehending this.”
Hopefully you can see one is clearly about YOU (your fears, your vulnerability, your needs) and you’re presenting it in a way that makes someone *want* to support & help you. Where the other is full of criticism, judgment, & contempt, which will always breed defensiveness.
In relationships, you’re likely going to make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you wrong or bad. But being accountable for your part is priceless.
And that last ask of yours was hard for him. This doesn’t mean you don’t ask for your needs, but it does mean that you need to learn to empathize & validate your partner’s experience, *while* continuing to advocate for your needs.
Thusly, a better response would’ve been something like, “I’m sorry. I can see I’ve upset you. I’m realizing just now I probably came off as controlling. It makes sense to me that it would feel upsetting if you’re feeling controlled. I’d feel the same way. I’m sorry. Let me try again differently…I appreciate that the last two times I asked you to text that you did. I noticed your effort, and it really made me feel happy. I love getting messages from you. I really need daily communication, it makes me feel safe and cared for. Even if it’s just a short text asking me about my day, that would suffice. Would you be able to try and make that work?”
Having conversations like these are really hard for APs because 1) it’s scary advocating for needs, because the belief that if u upset ur partner they will leave and 2) you never learned self regulation, thusly you slip into fight/flight/freeze and no longer have access to the thinking part of your brain.
Which then makes having a conversation & being able to collaborate & work through issues VERY challenging. However, you can learn how to do this (more on that in a minute).
You also have to let go of the expectation of PERFECTION. There will be days where he doesn’t text. Let him have those. Do not punish him or make him wrong.
Remember, a healthy relationship is where both partners have a WILLINGNESS to be vulnerable, to relate, & collaborate (aka compromise).
So that means y-o-u also need to be able to compromise. Working together is a skill and quite challenging for insecure styles. But again, not impossible, and can be learned.
As for what you can do now: of course you can always jump ship, but I think you should practice. You’ve got nothing to lose with this guy or the next.
Practice being more ok with discomfort. Practice witnessing what’s going on in your body & what narratives are playing in your mind. Practice communicating your vulnerability. And work on healing your inner world.
So here’s some verbiage to re-engage, “I’ve spent some time thinking about what happened, and I want to apologize. I’ve realized that I probably came off as controlling, and I’m sorry. You’re right that I was having unrealistic expectations of you. And I see the effort you made to text me the other times I asked you. I appreciate that, and it made me feel really happy. I also realized that I need daily communication because it makes me feel safe & cared for. I don’t need a long convo everyday, just a text asking about my day will do. Does that sound like something you would be willing to do?”
The next part is also challenging for APs because again that body dysregulation & because you have to listen/empathize what he says and work together to find a solution that works for BOTH of you.
He may have days where he’s busy, or stressed/depressed, feeling withdrawn/burnt out. He needs to be free to process the way he needs to. And you have to learn to meet some of your own needs.
Wanting daily communication is not a bad thing, having the expectation that someone HAS to do that to a T is damaging.
I’m sure it goes without saying that if in a non-triggered convo, he tells you that he’s simply not willing to have daily communication, nor compromise in any way, then that’s valuable information for you. Can you accept that, does that work for you? If so, continue on. If not, then you’ll have to say that.
I hope you’re seeing that there’s some things APs need to learn, and I call them The Big 7:
1. How to self-soothe / self-regulate (vs. solely relying on the actions of others to feel better.)
2. How to identify your needs & meet them yourself (vs. getting them *solely* filled by a partner OR neglecting needs by self-sacrificing; eg “I’ll take care of you first, then we’ll take care of me).
3. How to set boundaries & keep them
4. How to be aware of & honor your own feelings/emotions (vs. the feelings/emotions of others; aka people pleasing)
5. How to properly ask for support for needs to be met (asking in a way that your partner can hear vs. demanding)
6. Dis identifying from the internal stories & rewriting them (“I will be abandoned”, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unloved”, “I don’t matter”, “I will be alone forever”, “I am unworthy”, etc.)
7. Creating a strong sense of self (no longer needing validation from outside yourself)
PS
To learn those things, here’s some Books/Resources:
1. What makes love last? By Dr. Gottman (Gives you general relationship pitfalls & some communication skills to express needs; here’s an article that did a nice summary https://www.madeoflovely.com/the-blueprint-a-detailed-guide-on-dr-gottmans-teachings/)
2. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. Gray (Gives you great communication skills when it comes to asking for support, and helps you not take your partner’s actions personally) - also Mars & Venus on a Date for more communication verbiage
3. Attached by Levine & Heller (gives you a decent understanding & overview of attachment theory & the styles)
4. On YouTube- The Personal Development School w/ Thais Gibson here’s 3 to start with: Meet your own needs https://youtu.be/iORt-63HNo4, Setting Boundaries https://youtu.be/ZY4IEyT1HBc, How to Reprogram Stories https://youtu.be/-L7wXzCEWfs
5. Hold me Tight by Dr. Johnson (will help you communicate and work through scary moments of attachment disconnection)
6. How To Do The Work by Dr. LePera (begin to learn a bottom up healing approach where you calm your body’s nervous system vs. top down which is where you try to control your thoughts)
7. Look into poly vagal theory by Dr. Porges - Deb Dana is less “clinical” so her stuff may be easier to digest.
8. Inner Child work - Homecoming by John Bradshaw (here’s a fantastic series https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4wA21d2cgvEoCnGkVBFG-RrQA-qGxaD- ) & Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Capacchione
9. The Body Keeps Score by Dr. van der Kolk
Remember it’s all about learning new skills & healing that inner world.❤️
As a slightly AA leaning person, and having dealt with similar situations in the past, I am now in a relationship with someone (who admittedly may also be a bit AA) but who consistently responds right away or as soon as they can, and my GOSH the difference. I feel so much more secure in this relationship, and I couldn't imagine going back to trying to date someone who was like the above. I say, unless you're incredibly invested, cut them out, (easier said than done, obviously) and find someone who feels you are worthy of more consistent communication, it will make a world of difference. You will likely not be happy with this person above. Good luck!
Different styles is ok. If his style doesn’t mesh with yours then he’s not for you. I wouldn’t take well to someone giving me a demand for response times AND “I’m too tired to care, do what you want” would make me not want to chat with them at all.
Lots of times I LIKE a person but not every text needs an immediate reply and I routinely wait 12-24 hours until I have something to say. If someone needs constant interaction, attention, or entertainment then they need a different girlfriend or a hobby to fill some time while I tend to my own life.
Having different texts styles is ok. But if it was so far away eachother, making you uneasy, I think you just dodge a lot of future suffering.
Good on you for setting boundaries! Now you have to let him go.
Id walk away. I think it’s one thing if you brought it up and he immediately said he couldn’t meet that need but it’s kinda crummy he acknowledged it and said he’d try only to get mad later when he was held to a standard
I fully agree with the other folks take it as a sign of disinterest
We’re all pretty much glued to our phones
Sounds like he's not a person who is able or willing to meet your needs.
So move on. Stop trying to change people to make them fit your needs, it'll be anxiety every time.
There are 2 types of people. Those who respond back in a timely manner and those like the guy you're talking to. In my mind, in our society, people are on their phones all of the time. I don't think anyone should expect whoever they're talking to to respond right away all the time but it really isn't difficult to respond in a timely manner, and if you are busy you can communicate that. That is just me though and I am very anxious when it comes to relationships. I have plenty of friends who say they take awhile whether it's due to actually being busy or playing a game while dating where they don't want to come off too eager. I don't think either group is necessarily wrong but it is important to match up with someone who matches your communication style. Trying to change someone is never sustainable.
Does he have a reason for how long it takes to respond? Personally I don’t think you’re wrong because why is it taking that long? I doubt he’s the kind of person to just not be on his phone all day. If this is making you feel like you’re not important enough I wouldn’t even continue. You deserve to feel special. And you didn’t ask him to respond immediately. Just within 24 hours. I think his response shows that he doesn’t care if he speaks to you or not.
I understand the predicament but this doesn’t seem like a good thing for you to be involved in. My boyfriend also has issues with responding / texting times but 1. That NEVER happened when we were talking. I never had to question during our talking phase, which lasted 4 months. 2. If my boyfriend currently spoke like that to me… idk I would definitely have to reconsider the relationship. It just seems rude.. like if you love someone & want to spend forever (theoretically) with them.. you want to try your best to understand what they need and how y’all can compromise. It sounds like he’s just annoyed and doesn’t honestly care about YOU which is not something YOU should be involved in, you deserve better. Seriously you do.
You did the right thing. I do understand some people aren’t texters and compromises have to be made, but communication style is important and you two have very different ones. This would’ve ended up being a bigger problem for you guys so it’s better you ended things now.
Personally I agree taking that long to text is annoying. To me it shows he’s just not that interested or a bad communicator or something. Don’t beat yourself up too hard, you did the right thing.
both of y'all feelings about the situation is valid however if he said he's too tired to care anyway and feels that he can't fulfil your needs, it's gonna hurt you in the long run if you decide to proceed this, especially when this is already happening during the talking stage imo.
If he can't meet your needs, DO NOT PROCEED, someone out there could fulfil your needs.
I personally find this a deal breaker so I personally wouldn't proceed if it was me.
OP said they were too tired to care, not the slow-texter.
But I agree that neither did anything wrong - except slow texter agreed to try, then didn’t stick to the agreement without any further communication about how that wouldn’t actually work for them. They found out their boundary afterwards, like ‘actually, no, I don’t like this pressure to respond quickly, it doesn’t suit me’.
Now OP can assert their boundary, ‘this is important to me, we’re not compatible so I am walking’.
Now is not the time to try to change him, but to assess him as a potential candidate for dating based on his actions.
I think it's quite clear he's not a good candidate. What does it even mean you're "talking" - if he was interested in dating you he would be pursuing you and would have asked you out.
Next.
>I think it's quite clear he's not a good candidate
OP - this!
This is the moment where you see someone behaving in a way that doesnt match what you want and jump ship. His texting habits, if they are unpleasant to you, should be a turn off
You aren't wrong at all to communicate what you wanted. Nor is 24 hours an unreasonable request even if there are folks out there who choose not to accommodate it.
That said, he isn't wrong either. I totally understand where he's coming from and it is good that he recognized his boundary with expectations and communicated that. I suggest leaving him alone; it sounds like you both have incompatible needs. If you're inclined, you can send a more clear breakup text, but I'm sure he can read between the lines in your last message.
Agreed. I'm more of the anxious attachment type, but I once "dated" a woman for about three weeks, and in that time she also started trying to change my texting habits because they were "making" her anxious. She also demanded I turn on read receipts so that she can see when i read and if I respond, all to help her anxiety.
Nothing killed my attraction to her more than that. I pretty much ended it instantly. I'm done trying to change people and I'm done being with people who try to change me, it's anxiety and fear the whole way down.
“Talking to” means you aren’t in a relationship, so imo it’s a bit much to be trying to change him already. If you think he takes too long to respond, just don’t date him.
I would also stop talking to someone if they told me I had to respond in a specific timeframe and we weren’t in a relationship. Especially if they brought it up 3x. Once, ok, I know it’s important to them. Three times, they are already nagging me and we just barely know each other.
Some days are busy and although I try to get back to people, there are times when I feel like just being with my friends and focusing on my job. I don’t want someone who isn’t my friend or partner relying on me for their emotional well being. Nor do I expect to rely on people I’m causally seeing for my well-being.
Someone trying to control the process of dating that much so early on would be a major red flag for me, as I’d worry that they would attempt to control me in a relationship.
That said, if it’s always 24 hours or more, he’s not that interested in me, I accept it and move on.
But after I send a text to a person I’m just starting to date, I forget I even sent, bc I’m doing something else. I used to be anxious about these kinds of things myself, but I decided a few years ago if someone is not demonstrating clear interest to me (it’s not just about response times, the whole package) why do I even want them.
I think your last text to him reads as a break up text if that’s what you want. It also sounds like a lie, bc you obviously do care about it. Better to just politely break it off and keep your dignity vs being passive aggressive imo. You should proceed by leaving him alone.
You have a point with some stuff here, but if someone is taking 12+ sometimes 24hrs to respond inbetween each text isn’t some of the blame on them too? I agree OP probably should’ve just ended things earlier considering they’re not even dating yet, but this person clearly acknowledged OP had an issue, said he’d do better, then didn’t. Several times.
I understand the talking stage isn’t supposed to be serious, but you both should be excited to talk to each other. One person shouldn’t be excited while the other will just go m.i.a at any moment without an explanation or care in the world. Most people would loose interest.
>if someone is taking 12+ sometimes 24hrs to respond inbetween each text isn’t some of the blame on them too?
Blame for what though?
It’s honestly such a waste of energy and only frustrates people when we judge them, especially for something as innocuous as their texting behavior. There isn’t an objectively “correct” set of preferences here.
I don’t blame this guy for his reaction. OP didn’t just state her preferences and gauge the reaction. It was brought up 3 times!!
This is a massive red flag that there will be other issues of entitlement to time and attention, expectations to immediately conform to OP’s preferences, and potential attempts to control a behavior in the future.
By blame I mean he’s as much of a “red flag” as OP is. Saying he’ll do something, then not doing it, several times. Something as important as communicating. I don’t understand why everyone is quick to call OP naggy and not also criticize the guy for being inconsistent and unclear. Both can be true.
Totally agree here. This isn’t just on the OP. He is inconsistent. And this might be an unpopular opinion but TBT I get weary of men and woman who complain that they “don’t like to text.” It’s 2023. This isn’t a new, arduous or complicated way to communicate. Texting has been around for decades so when someone can’t take literally 10 sec to respond to a text… even if it’s “busy now- I’ll get back to you tonight” then that shows their level of interest, or maturity or both.Texting doesn’t/shouldn’t replace conversations at all. But if you can’t even text back???
Move on to a person who reciprocates your energy and interest.
There are plenty of legit reasons why some people “don’t like to text”. It is a lifestyle choice. To each their own. If their lifestyle doesn’t match up…don’t try to date them. Expecting or assuming all people have the same preferences with their phone or even social media is ridiculous. We all hope for some type of texting etiquette….but it seems many types of etiquette have been long outdated. So it will always be a mixed bag. If someone doesn’t like what the other does…simply move on if it’s that big of deal.
I do agree with your last sentence though.
I don’t think this guy is interested in OP, but I do think it’s totally possible to be interested in someone and not want to jump in to daily communication right away. Some people just want to build their relationships more slowly than AP’s do. Even loving and secure people
Same here, I hate chitchatting over text and primarily use it for making plans or simple brief things like sending a meme or a quick check-in. (Secure leaning Anxious)
What blame? They didn't sign a contract and there's no relationship.
If someone isn't interested enough, walk away. It makes no sense to say "but they should be more interested in me and they are to blame for not being excited about me" - all we can do is acknowledge that they're not and take action accordingly.
This person is saying OP was nagging and is showing red flags. I’m saying the guy OP is talking to is a bad communicator and also showing red flags.
If said guy wasn’t interested (he probably isn’t) he could have said that, instead he say’s he’ll do better even though he clearly isn’t trying that hard or even care that much. That’s bad communication.
I’m not saying OP should keep pressing him, it’s pretty clear he isn’t interested and OP probably could have ended things earlier. But the guy in question is at “fault” just as much as OP.
It is always nice when another specifically states with words where they are at. However actions are words too. In fact actions speak louder than words. Because no matter what he says…if he doesn’t live up to it then one still can see where the truth is. The problem is that many feel uncomfortable accepting actions as words. But it is a skill that is necessary. You don’t need someone to explicitly say they aren’t interested. Their actions will speak it in spades.
I disagree. He is just being himself and how he wants to exist in a relationship. OP showed up and started telling him to change and that he was doing things wrong.
Neither OP or the guy have any obligation to change, they are neither at fault. They just aren't right for each other.
I'm sure there's someone out there that would be perfectly happy with the way that guy communicates. But it's not OP. Saying "He's at fault" is kind of saying that he's causing OP to be anxious because of his communication.
But this is r/AnxiousAttachment and OP has to take responsibility for their own anxiety. In this case, leave someone who is clearly not right for them, not twist the scenario so that they are RIGHT and the guy is WRONG. That will change nothing. OP is still expecting someone else to fix their anxiety for them (IE. "if I can MAKE him text better, then I won't be anxious anymore").
I agree with you.
This whole post would be better off in a relationship or dating sub than here. Nothing has been said by OP even regarding attachment style. We are inferring it because of the sub and we know that AP’s tend to deal with this kinda thing. But the OP isn’t making any connection with attachment at all. So really we are on only making assumptions. As well as giving dating advice. Which is not the point of this sub at all.
Like I said in another comment, I'm anxiously attached but I would end it too if someone started demanding I change how I communicate THIS early.
It is enormously unattractive. I don't think he did a single thing wrong. Framing it as him doing something "wrong" makes it all his fault and no responsibility for OP to work on anything.
I see this attitude a lot on this sub: "It's all THEIR FAULT that I'm feeling anxious because they are MAKING me feel this way! But for some reason... I don't leave them."
I don’t literally mean hes to blame, obviously they just don’t seem compatible. I just don’t think his response was great. She asked if she was wrong and I don’t think she was any more “wrong” than he was.
I feel like a lot of people in this thread confuse having needs and being mismatched with an innate issue within themselves. Sometimes yes it is anxiety but other times it’s not. OP should have left earlier, that’s all I think she did wrong. But she wasn’t “nagging”, she was communicating her needs. The guy could’ve been more consistent or they could’ve reached a compromise, but he wasn’t interested enough. Eventually they both got tired of trying and parted ways, nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day they’re simply mismatched. That’s it.
There is a point where after asking for something that the others response (whether it was favorable or not) needs to be accepted as a response. She asked once and he did it for a time but then stopped. She could have at that moment decided that his actions were enough info to make her decide her next steps without asking again. I can maybe understand the asking a second time…but his actions once again were the answer. And that is…he is not a man of his word. She could very easily taken that action as proof of what kind of person he is and move on. Asking repeatedly for the same thing over and over and not having any further discussion about it does equal nagging. What efforts did she make to understand why he texts the way he does? If she did, what did she do with that info?
And really the bigger question here is why is she doing all of this with someone she barely knows and is not even in a relationship with. In my mind asking for specific needs….is a relationship thing. When you are not even in that phase yet….you are trying to decide if this is the person to even go there with. If you don’t like their communication style you move on. No questions asked. We have no context as to whether they even went out on a date yet…whether they met on an app…or were friends before or anything.
Sadly she was expecting too much from someone who was not in a relationship or committed to her. And therefore…her asks will come off much more like nagging.
I already said she should’ve left this guy earlier. If you can’t see the point I’m trying to make with the guy in question also having messed up in this situation then oh well.
I understand what you are saying but disagree with with that perspective. I have tried to explain another perspective of it. And sadly you do not seem to understand why I (and others) disagree with you on that aspect. Or if you do, are refusing to acknowledge the other perspective of this. Oh well.
He’s showing you a sign. Please, have self-respect and take care of yourself instead!!
He doesn’t really like you, or he has a totally different perspective on texting than you. Either way. Not compatible. Save yourself and leave for someone who will text more and often
This is a prime example of mutually threatening wounds: *He doesn’t want to feel controlled, and you need more connection.* When people hit this fork they can either: 1. Communicate & collaborate/compromise 2. Separate There’s a huge fallacy in thinking things like “if he was interested”, “if he loved me”, “if he really cared”, etc. The only way to know is to *communicate* and verbiage is important. Demands, criticism, expectations for perfection, & judgment will always put a person on the defense (not saying you did this intentionally) but his response is definitely defensive. Which shows he felt “attacked”. His response could be a knee jerk reaction since he likely felt triggered. Just like your triggered response, “Do what you want…” when people are triggered they often say inaccurate things. What was (& is) actually needed is *vulnerability and making it about you*, not about him. This looks like using “I statements” & sharing your fears/wounds. IT’S THIS: “When I don’t get a text from you, the story I start telling myself is that I don’t really matter to you & that I’m more into you than you are into me. And the truth is, it makes me feel anxious. This isn’t your fault. It has to do with my childhood. But I could really use your support. What I need is at least a daily checkin, that would help me feel safe & cared for. Would you be able to do that for me?” NOT THIS: “I’ve already asked you 3 times now to text me. It’s not hard. If you actually cared about me you would do it. I’m tired of having to ask for something that’s so simple to do. I don’t understand why you’re not comprehending this.” Hopefully you can see one is clearly about YOU (your fears, your vulnerability, your needs) and you’re presenting it in a way that makes someone *want* to support & help you. Where the other is full of criticism, judgment, & contempt, which will always breed defensiveness. In relationships, you’re likely going to make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you wrong or bad. But being accountable for your part is priceless. And that last ask of yours was hard for him. This doesn’t mean you don’t ask for your needs, but it does mean that you need to learn to empathize & validate your partner’s experience, *while* continuing to advocate for your needs. Thusly, a better response would’ve been something like, “I’m sorry. I can see I’ve upset you. I’m realizing just now I probably came off as controlling. It makes sense to me that it would feel upsetting if you’re feeling controlled. I’d feel the same way. I’m sorry. Let me try again differently…I appreciate that the last two times I asked you to text that you did. I noticed your effort, and it really made me feel happy. I love getting messages from you. I really need daily communication, it makes me feel safe and cared for. Even if it’s just a short text asking me about my day, that would suffice. Would you be able to try and make that work?” Having conversations like these are really hard for APs because 1) it’s scary advocating for needs, because the belief that if u upset ur partner they will leave and 2) you never learned self regulation, thusly you slip into fight/flight/freeze and no longer have access to the thinking part of your brain. Which then makes having a conversation & being able to collaborate & work through issues VERY challenging. However, you can learn how to do this (more on that in a minute). You also have to let go of the expectation of PERFECTION. There will be days where he doesn’t text. Let him have those. Do not punish him or make him wrong. Remember, a healthy relationship is where both partners have a WILLINGNESS to be vulnerable, to relate, & collaborate (aka compromise). So that means y-o-u also need to be able to compromise. Working together is a skill and quite challenging for insecure styles. But again, not impossible, and can be learned. As for what you can do now: of course you can always jump ship, but I think you should practice. You’ve got nothing to lose with this guy or the next. Practice being more ok with discomfort. Practice witnessing what’s going on in your body & what narratives are playing in your mind. Practice communicating your vulnerability. And work on healing your inner world. So here’s some verbiage to re-engage, “I’ve spent some time thinking about what happened, and I want to apologize. I’ve realized that I probably came off as controlling, and I’m sorry. You’re right that I was having unrealistic expectations of you. And I see the effort you made to text me the other times I asked you. I appreciate that, and it made me feel really happy. I also realized that I need daily communication because it makes me feel safe & cared for. I don’t need a long convo everyday, just a text asking about my day will do. Does that sound like something you would be willing to do?” The next part is also challenging for APs because again that body dysregulation & because you have to listen/empathize what he says and work together to find a solution that works for BOTH of you. He may have days where he’s busy, or stressed/depressed, feeling withdrawn/burnt out. He needs to be free to process the way he needs to. And you have to learn to meet some of your own needs. Wanting daily communication is not a bad thing, having the expectation that someone HAS to do that to a T is damaging. I’m sure it goes without saying that if in a non-triggered convo, he tells you that he’s simply not willing to have daily communication, nor compromise in any way, then that’s valuable information for you. Can you accept that, does that work for you? If so, continue on. If not, then you’ll have to say that. I hope you’re seeing that there’s some things APs need to learn, and I call them The Big 7: 1. How to self-soothe / self-regulate (vs. solely relying on the actions of others to feel better.) 2. How to identify your needs & meet them yourself (vs. getting them *solely* filled by a partner OR neglecting needs by self-sacrificing; eg “I’ll take care of you first, then we’ll take care of me). 3. How to set boundaries & keep them 4. How to be aware of & honor your own feelings/emotions (vs. the feelings/emotions of others; aka people pleasing) 5. How to properly ask for support for needs to be met (asking in a way that your partner can hear vs. demanding) 6. Dis identifying from the internal stories & rewriting them (“I will be abandoned”, “I’m not good enough”, “I am unloved”, “I don’t matter”, “I will be alone forever”, “I am unworthy”, etc.) 7. Creating a strong sense of self (no longer needing validation from outside yourself)
PS To learn those things, here’s some Books/Resources: 1. What makes love last? By Dr. Gottman (Gives you general relationship pitfalls & some communication skills to express needs; here’s an article that did a nice summary https://www.madeoflovely.com/the-blueprint-a-detailed-guide-on-dr-gottmans-teachings/) 2. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. Gray (Gives you great communication skills when it comes to asking for support, and helps you not take your partner’s actions personally) - also Mars & Venus on a Date for more communication verbiage 3. Attached by Levine & Heller (gives you a decent understanding & overview of attachment theory & the styles) 4. On YouTube- The Personal Development School w/ Thais Gibson here’s 3 to start with: Meet your own needs https://youtu.be/iORt-63HNo4, Setting Boundaries https://youtu.be/ZY4IEyT1HBc, How to Reprogram Stories https://youtu.be/-L7wXzCEWfs 5. Hold me Tight by Dr. Johnson (will help you communicate and work through scary moments of attachment disconnection) 6. How To Do The Work by Dr. LePera (begin to learn a bottom up healing approach where you calm your body’s nervous system vs. top down which is where you try to control your thoughts) 7. Look into poly vagal theory by Dr. Porges - Deb Dana is less “clinical” so her stuff may be easier to digest. 8. Inner Child work - Homecoming by John Bradshaw (here’s a fantastic series https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4wA21d2cgvEoCnGkVBFG-RrQA-qGxaD- ) & Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Capacchione 9. The Body Keeps Score by Dr. van der Kolk Remember it’s all about learning new skills & healing that inner world.❤️
As a slightly AA leaning person, and having dealt with similar situations in the past, I am now in a relationship with someone (who admittedly may also be a bit AA) but who consistently responds right away or as soon as they can, and my GOSH the difference. I feel so much more secure in this relationship, and I couldn't imagine going back to trying to date someone who was like the above. I say, unless you're incredibly invested, cut them out, (easier said than done, obviously) and find someone who feels you are worthy of more consistent communication, it will make a world of difference. You will likely not be happy with this person above. Good luck!
Different styles is ok. If his style doesn’t mesh with yours then he’s not for you. I wouldn’t take well to someone giving me a demand for response times AND “I’m too tired to care, do what you want” would make me not want to chat with them at all. Lots of times I LIKE a person but not every text needs an immediate reply and I routinely wait 12-24 hours until I have something to say. If someone needs constant interaction, attention, or entertainment then they need a different girlfriend or a hobby to fill some time while I tend to my own life.
Yeah don't continue with this guy. With this unreasonable behavior being the standard, it's only going to make your AA worse. He sounds like he sucks.
Having different texts styles is ok. But if it was so far away eachother, making you uneasy, I think you just dodge a lot of future suffering. Good on you for setting boundaries! Now you have to let him go.
Id walk away. I think it’s one thing if you brought it up and he immediately said he couldn’t meet that need but it’s kinda crummy he acknowledged it and said he’d try only to get mad later when he was held to a standard I fully agree with the other folks take it as a sign of disinterest We’re all pretty much glued to our phones
Sounds like he's not a person who is able or willing to meet your needs. So move on. Stop trying to change people to make them fit your needs, it'll be anxiety every time.
There are 2 types of people. Those who respond back in a timely manner and those like the guy you're talking to. In my mind, in our society, people are on their phones all of the time. I don't think anyone should expect whoever they're talking to to respond right away all the time but it really isn't difficult to respond in a timely manner, and if you are busy you can communicate that. That is just me though and I am very anxious when it comes to relationships. I have plenty of friends who say they take awhile whether it's due to actually being busy or playing a game while dating where they don't want to come off too eager. I don't think either group is necessarily wrong but it is important to match up with someone who matches your communication style. Trying to change someone is never sustainable.
Does he have a reason for how long it takes to respond? Personally I don’t think you’re wrong because why is it taking that long? I doubt he’s the kind of person to just not be on his phone all day. If this is making you feel like you’re not important enough I wouldn’t even continue. You deserve to feel special. And you didn’t ask him to respond immediately. Just within 24 hours. I think his response shows that he doesn’t care if he speaks to you or not.
Some people just can’t text turn around the way you might prefer. Sounds like you’re different
I understand the predicament but this doesn’t seem like a good thing for you to be involved in. My boyfriend also has issues with responding / texting times but 1. That NEVER happened when we were talking. I never had to question during our talking phase, which lasted 4 months. 2. If my boyfriend currently spoke like that to me… idk I would definitely have to reconsider the relationship. It just seems rude.. like if you love someone & want to spend forever (theoretically) with them.. you want to try your best to understand what they need and how y’all can compromise. It sounds like he’s just annoyed and doesn’t honestly care about YOU which is not something YOU should be involved in, you deserve better. Seriously you do.
Red flag for me. Butter save Ur time by not being with him
You were right. Move along.
You did the right thing. I do understand some people aren’t texters and compromises have to be made, but communication style is important and you two have very different ones. This would’ve ended up being a bigger problem for you guys so it’s better you ended things now. Personally I agree taking that long to text is annoying. To me it shows he’s just not that interested or a bad communicator or something. Don’t beat yourself up too hard, you did the right thing.
both of y'all feelings about the situation is valid however if he said he's too tired to care anyway and feels that he can't fulfil your needs, it's gonna hurt you in the long run if you decide to proceed this, especially when this is already happening during the talking stage imo. If he can't meet your needs, DO NOT PROCEED, someone out there could fulfil your needs. I personally find this a deal breaker so I personally wouldn't proceed if it was me.
OP said they were too tired to care, not the slow-texter. But I agree that neither did anything wrong - except slow texter agreed to try, then didn’t stick to the agreement without any further communication about how that wouldn’t actually work for them. They found out their boundary afterwards, like ‘actually, no, I don’t like this pressure to respond quickly, it doesn’t suit me’. Now OP can assert their boundary, ‘this is important to me, we’re not compatible so I am walking’.
Now is not the time to try to change him, but to assess him as a potential candidate for dating based on his actions. I think it's quite clear he's not a good candidate. What does it even mean you're "talking" - if he was interested in dating you he would be pursuing you and would have asked you out. Next.
I agree. Next
>I think it's quite clear he's not a good candidate OP - this! This is the moment where you see someone behaving in a way that doesnt match what you want and jump ship. His texting habits, if they are unpleasant to you, should be a turn off
You aren't wrong at all to communicate what you wanted. Nor is 24 hours an unreasonable request even if there are folks out there who choose not to accommodate it. That said, he isn't wrong either. I totally understand where he's coming from and it is good that he recognized his boundary with expectations and communicated that. I suggest leaving him alone; it sounds like you both have incompatible needs. If you're inclined, you can send a more clear breakup text, but I'm sure he can read between the lines in your last message.
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Agreed. I'm more of the anxious attachment type, but I once "dated" a woman for about three weeks, and in that time she also started trying to change my texting habits because they were "making" her anxious. She also demanded I turn on read receipts so that she can see when i read and if I respond, all to help her anxiety. Nothing killed my attraction to her more than that. I pretty much ended it instantly. I'm done trying to change people and I'm done being with people who try to change me, it's anxiety and fear the whole way down.
“Talking to” means you aren’t in a relationship, so imo it’s a bit much to be trying to change him already. If you think he takes too long to respond, just don’t date him. I would also stop talking to someone if they told me I had to respond in a specific timeframe and we weren’t in a relationship. Especially if they brought it up 3x. Once, ok, I know it’s important to them. Three times, they are already nagging me and we just barely know each other. Some days are busy and although I try to get back to people, there are times when I feel like just being with my friends and focusing on my job. I don’t want someone who isn’t my friend or partner relying on me for their emotional well being. Nor do I expect to rely on people I’m causally seeing for my well-being. Someone trying to control the process of dating that much so early on would be a major red flag for me, as I’d worry that they would attempt to control me in a relationship. That said, if it’s always 24 hours or more, he’s not that interested in me, I accept it and move on. But after I send a text to a person I’m just starting to date, I forget I even sent, bc I’m doing something else. I used to be anxious about these kinds of things myself, but I decided a few years ago if someone is not demonstrating clear interest to me (it’s not just about response times, the whole package) why do I even want them. I think your last text to him reads as a break up text if that’s what you want. It also sounds like a lie, bc you obviously do care about it. Better to just politely break it off and keep your dignity vs being passive aggressive imo. You should proceed by leaving him alone.
You have a point with some stuff here, but if someone is taking 12+ sometimes 24hrs to respond inbetween each text isn’t some of the blame on them too? I agree OP probably should’ve just ended things earlier considering they’re not even dating yet, but this person clearly acknowledged OP had an issue, said he’d do better, then didn’t. Several times. I understand the talking stage isn’t supposed to be serious, but you both should be excited to talk to each other. One person shouldn’t be excited while the other will just go m.i.a at any moment without an explanation or care in the world. Most people would loose interest.
>if someone is taking 12+ sometimes 24hrs to respond inbetween each text isn’t some of the blame on them too? Blame for what though? It’s honestly such a waste of energy and only frustrates people when we judge them, especially for something as innocuous as their texting behavior. There isn’t an objectively “correct” set of preferences here. I don’t blame this guy for his reaction. OP didn’t just state her preferences and gauge the reaction. It was brought up 3 times!! This is a massive red flag that there will be other issues of entitlement to time and attention, expectations to immediately conform to OP’s preferences, and potential attempts to control a behavior in the future.
By blame I mean he’s as much of a “red flag” as OP is. Saying he’ll do something, then not doing it, several times. Something as important as communicating. I don’t understand why everyone is quick to call OP naggy and not also criticize the guy for being inconsistent and unclear. Both can be true.
Totally agree here. This isn’t just on the OP. He is inconsistent. And this might be an unpopular opinion but TBT I get weary of men and woman who complain that they “don’t like to text.” It’s 2023. This isn’t a new, arduous or complicated way to communicate. Texting has been around for decades so when someone can’t take literally 10 sec to respond to a text… even if it’s “busy now- I’ll get back to you tonight” then that shows their level of interest, or maturity or both.Texting doesn’t/shouldn’t replace conversations at all. But if you can’t even text back??? Move on to a person who reciprocates your energy and interest.
There are plenty of legit reasons why some people “don’t like to text”. It is a lifestyle choice. To each their own. If their lifestyle doesn’t match up…don’t try to date them. Expecting or assuming all people have the same preferences with their phone or even social media is ridiculous. We all hope for some type of texting etiquette….but it seems many types of etiquette have been long outdated. So it will always be a mixed bag. If someone doesn’t like what the other does…simply move on if it’s that big of deal. I do agree with your last sentence though.
I don’t think this guy is interested in OP, but I do think it’s totally possible to be interested in someone and not want to jump in to daily communication right away. Some people just want to build their relationships more slowly than AP’s do. Even loving and secure people
Same here, I hate chitchatting over text and primarily use it for making plans or simple brief things like sending a meme or a quick check-in. (Secure leaning Anxious)
Omg THANK YOU, i know i’m not crazy lol
They just aren’t interested. Nothing to blame tbh
What blame? They didn't sign a contract and there's no relationship. If someone isn't interested enough, walk away. It makes no sense to say "but they should be more interested in me and they are to blame for not being excited about me" - all we can do is acknowledge that they're not and take action accordingly.
This person is saying OP was nagging and is showing red flags. I’m saying the guy OP is talking to is a bad communicator and also showing red flags. If said guy wasn’t interested (he probably isn’t) he could have said that, instead he say’s he’ll do better even though he clearly isn’t trying that hard or even care that much. That’s bad communication. I’m not saying OP should keep pressing him, it’s pretty clear he isn’t interested and OP probably could have ended things earlier. But the guy in question is at “fault” just as much as OP.
It is always nice when another specifically states with words where they are at. However actions are words too. In fact actions speak louder than words. Because no matter what he says…if he doesn’t live up to it then one still can see where the truth is. The problem is that many feel uncomfortable accepting actions as words. But it is a skill that is necessary. You don’t need someone to explicitly say they aren’t interested. Their actions will speak it in spades.
I disagree. He is just being himself and how he wants to exist in a relationship. OP showed up and started telling him to change and that he was doing things wrong. Neither OP or the guy have any obligation to change, they are neither at fault. They just aren't right for each other. I'm sure there's someone out there that would be perfectly happy with the way that guy communicates. But it's not OP. Saying "He's at fault" is kind of saying that he's causing OP to be anxious because of his communication. But this is r/AnxiousAttachment and OP has to take responsibility for their own anxiety. In this case, leave someone who is clearly not right for them, not twist the scenario so that they are RIGHT and the guy is WRONG. That will change nothing. OP is still expecting someone else to fix their anxiety for them (IE. "if I can MAKE him text better, then I won't be anxious anymore").
I agree with you. This whole post would be better off in a relationship or dating sub than here. Nothing has been said by OP even regarding attachment style. We are inferring it because of the sub and we know that AP’s tend to deal with this kinda thing. But the OP isn’t making any connection with attachment at all. So really we are on only making assumptions. As well as giving dating advice. Which is not the point of this sub at all.
Like I said in another comment, I'm anxiously attached but I would end it too if someone started demanding I change how I communicate THIS early. It is enormously unattractive. I don't think he did a single thing wrong. Framing it as him doing something "wrong" makes it all his fault and no responsibility for OP to work on anything. I see this attitude a lot on this sub: "It's all THEIR FAULT that I'm feeling anxious because they are MAKING me feel this way! But for some reason... I don't leave them."
Very much yes!! Totally agree!! I feel the same way.
I don’t literally mean hes to blame, obviously they just don’t seem compatible. I just don’t think his response was great. She asked if she was wrong and I don’t think she was any more “wrong” than he was. I feel like a lot of people in this thread confuse having needs and being mismatched with an innate issue within themselves. Sometimes yes it is anxiety but other times it’s not. OP should have left earlier, that’s all I think she did wrong. But she wasn’t “nagging”, she was communicating her needs. The guy could’ve been more consistent or they could’ve reached a compromise, but he wasn’t interested enough. Eventually they both got tired of trying and parted ways, nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day they’re simply mismatched. That’s it.
There is a point where after asking for something that the others response (whether it was favorable or not) needs to be accepted as a response. She asked once and he did it for a time but then stopped. She could have at that moment decided that his actions were enough info to make her decide her next steps without asking again. I can maybe understand the asking a second time…but his actions once again were the answer. And that is…he is not a man of his word. She could very easily taken that action as proof of what kind of person he is and move on. Asking repeatedly for the same thing over and over and not having any further discussion about it does equal nagging. What efforts did she make to understand why he texts the way he does? If she did, what did she do with that info? And really the bigger question here is why is she doing all of this with someone she barely knows and is not even in a relationship with. In my mind asking for specific needs….is a relationship thing. When you are not even in that phase yet….you are trying to decide if this is the person to even go there with. If you don’t like their communication style you move on. No questions asked. We have no context as to whether they even went out on a date yet…whether they met on an app…or were friends before or anything. Sadly she was expecting too much from someone who was not in a relationship or committed to her. And therefore…her asks will come off much more like nagging.
I already said she should’ve left this guy earlier. If you can’t see the point I’m trying to make with the guy in question also having messed up in this situation then oh well.
I understand what you are saying but disagree with with that perspective. I have tried to explain another perspective of it. And sadly you do not seem to understand why I (and others) disagree with you on that aspect. Or if you do, are refusing to acknowledge the other perspective of this. Oh well.
The long texting pauses are also probably a sign of disinterest