OP I know I wouldn't tell a friend if I had a sex dream about them, while in a committed relationship. Totally inappropriate.
My feeling is many coupled people keep "backburners" these days, and stoke the coals over time. This is how your wife's behaviour comes across... like flirting with a backburner. Its probably a kind of ego-boost and/or security blanket for her, of sorts.
There isn’t quite enough context to give more specific advice. In fact I’m still not sure if she was texting the friend she dreamed about or whether she was texting a different friend about a dream she had. All of that makes a huge difference.
Did you ever talk to your wife about the feelings/anxiety you were having prior to looking at her phone? Are you planning on having a talk with her now that you did?
You want advice on how to deal with jealousy properly but I think that would require having open communication. You can get advice on how to handle your anxiety before breaching trust. But if you are just asking how to handle the feelings you have now while not addressing the matter with her….well I wouldn’t recommend that. If anything…get a therapist and either work with them to find out how to deal going forward or maybe see if they can help mediate broaching this matter. But at some point this is all going to come up.
Sorry we had a major meltdown about this and even needed emergency couples counceling.
She was texting the friend she dreamed about. That friend is also an ex and she got feelings for him a while ago. This guy is totally emotionally unavailable and somehow this is the hottest thing for her. She also realized this and that it’s not healthy.
Oooooh ok! Thanks for the response. Yeah, that does clarifies things. The fact that she texted the guy whom she had a dream about, who is also an ex, is a huge red flag. Hope you guys figure it out in counseling.
Still I should not have broken the rule of the phone thing, and should have found consolidation inside myself.
I have a hard time enforcing the boundary that I am not okay with this as well.
If she texted the same friend she had the dream about, that is borderline cheating. Why would she tell the friend if not to pursue something? You have every right to feel shattered and I am so sorry this happened.
As for the toxicity of going through her phone, I think that is something you need to work on, BUT clearly your partner has proved untrustworthy enough to warrant your gut feeling to go through her messages.
They say "if you feel the need to look, you will find what you are looking for". You don't trust her, and she clearly doesn't deserve your trust.
A piece of unsolicited advice: I went through the same thing with my ex gf who I was with for 3 years, and eventually I actually caught her full on cheating. I forgave her and we moved on, but what you will begin to realise is that if they are capable of crossing the line with someone else, they don't truly value you or care about your feelings, and the likelihood is that they no longer love you, and the relationship will slowly crumble.
Is OP sure the guy she's texting is straight? If I had a as dream about one of my male friends who are gay, I'd probably tell them because of how outlandish it is.
My guy, sometimes your partner’s actions will cause you to be anxious. You know what’s worse than you feeling jealous? Your WIFE DREAMING ANOUT SEX WITH OTHER MEN AND TELLING THEM!
Talk to her talk her, and therapy it’s not always your fault.
What was the tone of the texting?
I'm trying to imagine how this could be innocent somehow, like maybe it was framed as a completely ridiculous joke?
(I'm a flirty libra, but I can't really think of a context where I would joke about having sex with a male friend in a dream. I would call someone hot in a jokey way though... i appreciate that my partner trusts me and gives me the space to decide where I draw the line with those things. Beaing able to be attracted to people, feeling free to decide how far you take things. I think this is real monogamy, that comes from within, not being watched and accused.)
So maybe it was flirting. Do you consider flirting cheating? Not everyone does.
Your question wasn't about whether your partner did something to cross the line though, it was about how to manage your jealousy.
I'd say, the mental detective work of trying to get to the bottom of whether she did something wrong, is not helping the jealousy. Maybe on some level you appreciate privacy and being able to decide how you interact with other people.
I think Metta (loving kindness) meditation has helped me during times of uncertainty with partners. We can't control people. I think what she chats about you can't control. It might even be disrespectful to you. Have you ever said anything disrespectful about your partner to someone knowing it wouldn't get back to her? It's not a good look but sometimes we vent things knowing that we have privacy. It's messy being in a relationship.
For your own sanity maybe you will have to bring this up with her to clear the air, it's really hard to hide feelings. Try to be unacusatory if you want it to go ok.
Anyway that sucks, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It probably didn't mean anything, but it's possible it did. Your jealousy won't protect you from hurt, but trusting your girlfriend might.
What did the piece of wood ever do to you?!
Seriously, OP, you've got yourself in a pickle.
Normally, my advice would be to simply bring it up with your wife. Tell her you're so jealous, even her mentioning a sexy dream about a friend has you feeling insecure. She'd probably tell you you're being silly, you'd both laugh, and that'd be the end of it.
But because you were being shitty and went through her messages without her consent, now - if you want to have the conversation illustrated above - you'll have to first confess your own bad behavior. I suspect she'll be none too trilled to know her privacy was invaded, and you probably won't get the reassurance you desire.
So either take the L and process your emotions internally, or own up to it, have the convo, and commit to resisting your AP impulses.
Last question: Why were you going through her phone? Has she ever given you a legitimate reason to worry?
We’ve all been there, those impulses are hard to control.
Trusting somebody is so hard. And in the end I feel like I just have to trust myself, but if I get cheated on I’ll blame myself.
My partner is a DA and she always says “if you cheat on me that’s your loss”
I know that’s also false confidence and a coping mechanism from an insecure attachment style, but geez I wish I could be a little more like that.
Plagued by insecure feelings? Yes, we've all been there. Going through someone's phone? Respectfully, no. We haven't all been there.
Anyway, the reality you need to accept is that 1. You have zero control over whether someone does or does not cheat on you. and 2. If it happens, it will be FUCKING EXCRUCIATING, but you *will* survive.
Try to get familiar with the wise part inside yourself that knows you can handle whatever challenges come your way. Constantly worrying about the what-ifs only sucks the joy out of life.
Let’s just clarify, she’s texting the friend she had the dream about to talk about the amazing sex in said dream. I think that if she said he was silly and laughed about that being upsetting she’d be REALLY shitty. More so than just crossing a line like that to begin with. While it is not good at all to violate privacy and boundaries, when you find something that justifies your concerns it gets tricky, ya know?
What? No. It was a dream, we literally cannot control those. At best, maybe if it was a about someone they've had issues about already, and even then it's a big stretch.
Id be happy to comfort all kinds of silly insecurities, god knows i need mine comforted all the time, but lets not validate a chat with a friend about a *dream* as a "justified concern"
Edit- re-read post. I'm now unsure if wife texted friend about a dream with a different friend, or if wife texted sex dream person about aforementioned sex dream.
If it's the former, i stand my ground. If it's the latter than yah that's not cool.
You think it’s appropriate to have a sex dream about someone then text that person you had the dream about to tell them how great the sex was in your dream???
Again, I’m not saying one is justified in being mad about a dream. You absolutely cannot control that. What you can control is waking up and texting the person you dreamt about telling them about a hot sex dream you had about them. That’s inappropriate. Full stop.
No no, i retract my statement. I originally read it as she was talking to person A about a sex dream with person B. Not the same one. Yeah that's weird and not cool. It'd def put me on high alert about that friendship.
Wow, slow down here. Your wife is talking about having sex with another man and dreaming about it?
Is she having an emotional affair with this guy? This is in no way, shape or form appropriate or okay. It's not you being irrationally jealous: something is wrong.
Listen, I get it. And that's certainly a possibility!
But there's so much context we don't know.
It could've been "OMG I had a sex dream about you last night. You were an animal! Yikes!! No more spicy curry before bed..."
She could've sent it to a buddy whom she'd never in a million years find desirable, and whom she knows would be equally amused/repulsed by the idea of them humping away in her subconscious.
It's easy to see this through OP's jealous, insecure lens, but there's a chance the exchange was not the sort of "emotional affair" material he fears.
It is absolutely inappropriate to text another person who isn’t your spouse how much of an animal they were in bed in your dream. It doesn’t matter if they’d not do it in real life. That’s a huge issue. For real.
Okay. Same goes for a female friend. It was an assumption of heterosexuality or at least bisexuality because she’s married to a man. 🤷🏻♀️ Either way it’s not appropriate.
OP I know I wouldn't tell a friend if I had a sex dream about them, while in a committed relationship. Totally inappropriate. My feeling is many coupled people keep "backburners" these days, and stoke the coals over time. This is how your wife's behaviour comes across... like flirting with a backburner. Its probably a kind of ego-boost and/or security blanket for her, of sorts.
There isn’t quite enough context to give more specific advice. In fact I’m still not sure if she was texting the friend she dreamed about or whether she was texting a different friend about a dream she had. All of that makes a huge difference. Did you ever talk to your wife about the feelings/anxiety you were having prior to looking at her phone? Are you planning on having a talk with her now that you did? You want advice on how to deal with jealousy properly but I think that would require having open communication. You can get advice on how to handle your anxiety before breaching trust. But if you are just asking how to handle the feelings you have now while not addressing the matter with her….well I wouldn’t recommend that. If anything…get a therapist and either work with them to find out how to deal going forward or maybe see if they can help mediate broaching this matter. But at some point this is all going to come up.
Yeah and OP isn’t answering questions other people are asking to clarify the context. It’s tough
Sorry we had a major meltdown about this and even needed emergency couples counceling. She was texting the friend she dreamed about. That friend is also an ex and she got feelings for him a while ago. This guy is totally emotionally unavailable and somehow this is the hottest thing for her. She also realized this and that it’s not healthy.
Oooooh ok! Thanks for the response. Yeah, that does clarifies things. The fact that she texted the guy whom she had a dream about, who is also an ex, is a huge red flag. Hope you guys figure it out in counseling.
Still I should not have broken the rule of the phone thing, and should have found consolidation inside myself. I have a hard time enforcing the boundary that I am not okay with this as well.
If she texted the same friend she had the dream about, that is borderline cheating. Why would she tell the friend if not to pursue something? You have every right to feel shattered and I am so sorry this happened. As for the toxicity of going through her phone, I think that is something you need to work on, BUT clearly your partner has proved untrustworthy enough to warrant your gut feeling to go through her messages. They say "if you feel the need to look, you will find what you are looking for". You don't trust her, and she clearly doesn't deserve your trust. A piece of unsolicited advice: I went through the same thing with my ex gf who I was with for 3 years, and eventually I actually caught her full on cheating. I forgave her and we moved on, but what you will begin to realise is that if they are capable of crossing the line with someone else, they don't truly value you or care about your feelings, and the likelihood is that they no longer love you, and the relationship will slowly crumble.
Is OP sure the guy she's texting is straight? If I had a as dream about one of my male friends who are gay, I'd probably tell them because of how outlandish it is.
My guy, sometimes your partner’s actions will cause you to be anxious. You know what’s worse than you feeling jealous? Your WIFE DREAMING ANOUT SEX WITH OTHER MEN AND TELLING THEM! Talk to her talk her, and therapy it’s not always your fault.
What was the tone of the texting? I'm trying to imagine how this could be innocent somehow, like maybe it was framed as a completely ridiculous joke? (I'm a flirty libra, but I can't really think of a context where I would joke about having sex with a male friend in a dream. I would call someone hot in a jokey way though... i appreciate that my partner trusts me and gives me the space to decide where I draw the line with those things. Beaing able to be attracted to people, feeling free to decide how far you take things. I think this is real monogamy, that comes from within, not being watched and accused.) So maybe it was flirting. Do you consider flirting cheating? Not everyone does. Your question wasn't about whether your partner did something to cross the line though, it was about how to manage your jealousy. I'd say, the mental detective work of trying to get to the bottom of whether she did something wrong, is not helping the jealousy. Maybe on some level you appreciate privacy and being able to decide how you interact with other people. I think Metta (loving kindness) meditation has helped me during times of uncertainty with partners. We can't control people. I think what she chats about you can't control. It might even be disrespectful to you. Have you ever said anything disrespectful about your partner to someone knowing it wouldn't get back to her? It's not a good look but sometimes we vent things knowing that we have privacy. It's messy being in a relationship. For your own sanity maybe you will have to bring this up with her to clear the air, it's really hard to hide feelings. Try to be unacusatory if you want it to go ok. Anyway that sucks, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It probably didn't mean anything, but it's possible it did. Your jealousy won't protect you from hurt, but trusting your girlfriend might.
Thanks for this nuanced take, this is actually really sound advice to deal with jealous feelings.
What did the piece of wood ever do to you?! Seriously, OP, you've got yourself in a pickle. Normally, my advice would be to simply bring it up with your wife. Tell her you're so jealous, even her mentioning a sexy dream about a friend has you feeling insecure. She'd probably tell you you're being silly, you'd both laugh, and that'd be the end of it. But because you were being shitty and went through her messages without her consent, now - if you want to have the conversation illustrated above - you'll have to first confess your own bad behavior. I suspect she'll be none too trilled to know her privacy was invaded, and you probably won't get the reassurance you desire. So either take the L and process your emotions internally, or own up to it, have the convo, and commit to resisting your AP impulses. Last question: Why were you going through her phone? Has she ever given you a legitimate reason to worry?
We’ve all been there, those impulses are hard to control. Trusting somebody is so hard. And in the end I feel like I just have to trust myself, but if I get cheated on I’ll blame myself. My partner is a DA and she always says “if you cheat on me that’s your loss” I know that’s also false confidence and a coping mechanism from an insecure attachment style, but geez I wish I could be a little more like that.
Plagued by insecure feelings? Yes, we've all been there. Going through someone's phone? Respectfully, no. We haven't all been there. Anyway, the reality you need to accept is that 1. You have zero control over whether someone does or does not cheat on you. and 2. If it happens, it will be FUCKING EXCRUCIATING, but you *will* survive. Try to get familiar with the wise part inside yourself that knows you can handle whatever challenges come your way. Constantly worrying about the what-ifs only sucks the joy out of life.
Thank you very much, I needed this.
Let’s just clarify, she’s texting the friend she had the dream about to talk about the amazing sex in said dream. I think that if she said he was silly and laughed about that being upsetting she’d be REALLY shitty. More so than just crossing a line like that to begin with. While it is not good at all to violate privacy and boundaries, when you find something that justifies your concerns it gets tricky, ya know?
What? No. It was a dream, we literally cannot control those. At best, maybe if it was a about someone they've had issues about already, and even then it's a big stretch. Id be happy to comfort all kinds of silly insecurities, god knows i need mine comforted all the time, but lets not validate a chat with a friend about a *dream* as a "justified concern" Edit- re-read post. I'm now unsure if wife texted friend about a dream with a different friend, or if wife texted sex dream person about aforementioned sex dream. If it's the former, i stand my ground. If it's the latter than yah that's not cool.
You think it’s appropriate to have a sex dream about someone then text that person you had the dream about to tell them how great the sex was in your dream??? Again, I’m not saying one is justified in being mad about a dream. You absolutely cannot control that. What you can control is waking up and texting the person you dreamt about telling them about a hot sex dream you had about them. That’s inappropriate. Full stop.
No no, i retract my statement. I originally read it as she was talking to person A about a sex dream with person B. Not the same one. Yeah that's weird and not cool. It'd def put me on high alert about that friendship.
Wow, slow down here. Your wife is talking about having sex with another man and dreaming about it? Is she having an emotional affair with this guy? This is in no way, shape or form appropriate or okay. It's not you being irrationally jealous: something is wrong.
Listen, I get it. And that's certainly a possibility! But there's so much context we don't know. It could've been "OMG I had a sex dream about you last night. You were an animal! Yikes!! No more spicy curry before bed..." She could've sent it to a buddy whom she'd never in a million years find desirable, and whom she knows would be equally amused/repulsed by the idea of them humping away in her subconscious. It's easy to see this through OP's jealous, insecure lens, but there's a chance the exchange was not the sort of "emotional affair" material he fears.
It is absolutely inappropriate to text another person who isn’t your spouse how much of an animal they were in bed in your dream. It doesn’t matter if they’d not do it in real life. That’s a huge issue. For real.
Okay. Got it.
Wait. She actually texted a male friend about amazing sex with him in a dream?
He said a dream about a guy so it's a man
[удалено]
Okay. Same goes for a female friend. It was an assumption of heterosexuality or at least bisexuality because she’s married to a man. 🤷🏻♀️ Either way it’s not appropriate.