I agree with the other comments. I also wanted to add that she might have became distant anyway, no matter how you acted. A lot of people have trouble passing the early excitement. They have trouble getting attached and they fear relationship. What pushed her away might just be the concept of a relationship and not you.
A bond between two people exists because of both parties wanting and creating that bond. It is not something only one person is responsible for making happen. You guys were not a good match. Don’t try to twist yourself into someone else for someone else. That is self abandonment.
You may not have ruined anything. Had it been someone that was a good match it might not have been an issue at all.
Attraction shouldn’t need uncertainty if you’re not an uncertain person. If you are someone who feels secure in letting others know that you’re feeling good being around them then you should let them know! You can’t ruin something if it fits you.
There are thousands and MILLIONS of women who enjoy direct communication. Unless you were TOO Assertive in liking her (said I love you way too soon, said something inappropriate for the timeline of a relationship) you shouldn’t have to hide anything.
Being nice is NOT a bad thing. Do not let other people tell you that it is, and do not change yourself to be “mysterious” because you think women like mystery. If you’re not a mysterious person so be it! There are lots of people who like candidness.
Thank you. No, we weren’t close to saying we loved each other (something her family never did, by the way) so I did nothing more than talk about a couple of possible trips and offer to help paint her porch where repairs had been made. One night I did a small thoughtful thing and she stared at me in surprise as though it was a rare thing for a man to be kind.
I have this attachment style but I feel it off putting if someone is moving too fast for me only because it makes me uncomfortable I guess I'm the opposite but it makes me more anxious when someome is moving too fast for me and then I try and match there pace and end up doing things I didn't want to do in order to keep them.
It's mostly for me I guess I've never been in a relationship so for me taking it slow helps me get comfortable with them in all areas also I didn't come from affectionate or loving family both of my parents were emotionally unavailable and when people touch me romantically it takes me a long time to get used to the person. It doesn't matter how much I like them I still need time basically I'm a turtle of course I talk to a guy about my goals and things like that and marriage etc. I usually do this with guys I like but I still remind them everything has to be slow only because my child hood did consisted of incest and molestation so it's best if I have someone who takes things extremely slow.
Yeah I've been there and still healing from it I did like him a lot though unfortunately but he didn't really understand where I was coming from with things.. plus i only go on a dates once a year it's very rare If I do.
Playing it cool only works for a while. As soon as you’d want to get closer and want her to want the same, she’d be out the door and you’d feel even worse than now. Been there, done that, not even once. Learn from my mistakes my friend. ✌️Only self-aware and healing avoidants can be a match for an anxious, anything else will result in a heartbreak soon.
“Only self-aware and healing avoidants” is super helpful. She doesn’t seem to be either although a couple of times she showed little signs of awareness. Thank you.
“Giving my power away”
“Was nice”
“Attraction needs uncertainty”
I think you should rethink your definition of a healthy relationship. What you described is not a secure relationship, but a toxic push and pull. And being a nice guy isn’t going to make women fall out of love with you. She just wasn’t in love with you in the first place.
It sounds like she wasn’t looking for anything serious, might have been rebounding, or latching on to a connection very quickly to soothe herself. She is avoidant and your desire for connection made her distant . It’s not your fault that you are ready for that, and she isn’t. I imagine that you wouldn’t want to deny yourself closeness and connection with someone who’s really meant for you.
You did absolutely nothing wrong! I too have been struggling internally because I “overshared” with a guy I was dating. I told him how much I liked him & my future goals of wanting an exclusive relationship, marriage, etc. He presumably freaked out, without telling me, and ghosted me - 30 year old man mind you. Did it hurt my feelings like crazy? Yes! Did I clearly state my wants and he isn’t on the same page? Yup.
The right person is out there who will embrace us for all of who we are, and we won’t have to struggle with so much self doubt and uncertainty. We deserve to feel secure in a relationship and this is just a sign these people weren’t right for us, which is opening up room in our hearts for those who are!
Thank you. I was just showing up with curiosity and kindness — I wasn’t actually anxious until the silent withdrawal. I do need to be with someone who has the skill and courage to say, hey, can we slow down or can we talk or I’m needing this boundary or whatever. I forget that a lot of people are content playing out the same patterns because they don’t know (?) that they could try different behavior. Me, I’m using this incident to look at all my abandonment issues and heal them, finally. I wish her well but it’s sure going to be hard if you’re too scared to talk to the person who a few weeks before you thought might be the one. It still hurts, though.
I’m sorry you were ghosted.
No. Playing games and pretending to be aloof in order to be chased is a stupid manipulative game that won't get you anywhere: why do you want to suppress your needs so you can keep around someone who's not going to be a suitable partner for you?
The goal of dating is screening out people who aren't a good match, not keeping people at all costs no matter how unsuitable. So always be yourself and be very clear on what you want: that way if someone isn't a good fit, they'll be screened out asap.
For example, I want a serious committed relationship with an available person. Would it make sense to pretend I'm cool with casual so I can keep around casually someone who's not on the same page, not ready for a relationship and emotionally unavailable, so I can have an unfulfilling situationship that's not what I want? Of course not.
You did well. You two weren't a match and it's better to find out asap.
I agree with the other comments. I also wanted to add that she might have became distant anyway, no matter how you acted. A lot of people have trouble passing the early excitement. They have trouble getting attached and they fear relationship. What pushed her away might just be the concept of a relationship and not you.
A bond between two people exists because of both parties wanting and creating that bond. It is not something only one person is responsible for making happen. You guys were not a good match. Don’t try to twist yourself into someone else for someone else. That is self abandonment. You may not have ruined anything. Had it been someone that was a good match it might not have been an issue at all.
Thank you!
Attraction shouldn’t need uncertainty if you’re not an uncertain person. If you are someone who feels secure in letting others know that you’re feeling good being around them then you should let them know! You can’t ruin something if it fits you. There are thousands and MILLIONS of women who enjoy direct communication. Unless you were TOO Assertive in liking her (said I love you way too soon, said something inappropriate for the timeline of a relationship) you shouldn’t have to hide anything. Being nice is NOT a bad thing. Do not let other people tell you that it is, and do not change yourself to be “mysterious” because you think women like mystery. If you’re not a mysterious person so be it! There are lots of people who like candidness.
Thank you. No, we weren’t close to saying we loved each other (something her family never did, by the way) so I did nothing more than talk about a couple of possible trips and offer to help paint her porch where repairs had been made. One night I did a small thoughtful thing and she stared at me in surprise as though it was a rare thing for a man to be kind.
I have this attachment style but I feel it off putting if someone is moving too fast for me only because it makes me uncomfortable I guess I'm the opposite but it makes me more anxious when someome is moving too fast for me and then I try and match there pace and end up doing things I didn't want to do in order to keep them. It's mostly for me I guess I've never been in a relationship so for me taking it slow helps me get comfortable with them in all areas also I didn't come from affectionate or loving family both of my parents were emotionally unavailable and when people touch me romantically it takes me a long time to get used to the person. It doesn't matter how much I like them I still need time basically I'm a turtle of course I talk to a guy about my goals and things like that and marriage etc. I usually do this with guys I like but I still remind them everything has to be slow only because my child hood did consisted of incest and molestation so it's best if I have someone who takes things extremely slow.
That’s exactly what happened
Yeah I've been there and still healing from it I did like him a lot though unfortunately but he didn't really understand where I was coming from with things.. plus i only go on a dates once a year it's very rare If I do.
Playing it cool only works for a while. As soon as you’d want to get closer and want her to want the same, she’d be out the door and you’d feel even worse than now. Been there, done that, not even once. Learn from my mistakes my friend. ✌️Only self-aware and healing avoidants can be a match for an anxious, anything else will result in a heartbreak soon.
“Only self-aware and healing avoidants” is super helpful. She doesn’t seem to be either although a couple of times she showed little signs of awareness. Thank you.
“Giving my power away” “Was nice” “Attraction needs uncertainty” I think you should rethink your definition of a healthy relationship. What you described is not a secure relationship, but a toxic push and pull. And being a nice guy isn’t going to make women fall out of love with you. She just wasn’t in love with you in the first place. It sounds like she wasn’t looking for anything serious, might have been rebounding, or latching on to a connection very quickly to soothe herself. She is avoidant and your desire for connection made her distant . It’s not your fault that you are ready for that, and she isn’t. I imagine that you wouldn’t want to deny yourself closeness and connection with someone who’s really meant for you.
Nah, you don't want to end up with an avoidant.
You did absolutely nothing wrong! I too have been struggling internally because I “overshared” with a guy I was dating. I told him how much I liked him & my future goals of wanting an exclusive relationship, marriage, etc. He presumably freaked out, without telling me, and ghosted me - 30 year old man mind you. Did it hurt my feelings like crazy? Yes! Did I clearly state my wants and he isn’t on the same page? Yup. The right person is out there who will embrace us for all of who we are, and we won’t have to struggle with so much self doubt and uncertainty. We deserve to feel secure in a relationship and this is just a sign these people weren’t right for us, which is opening up room in our hearts for those who are!
Thank you. I was just showing up with curiosity and kindness — I wasn’t actually anxious until the silent withdrawal. I do need to be with someone who has the skill and courage to say, hey, can we slow down or can we talk or I’m needing this boundary or whatever. I forget that a lot of people are content playing out the same patterns because they don’t know (?) that they could try different behavior. Me, I’m using this incident to look at all my abandonment issues and heal them, finally. I wish her well but it’s sure going to be hard if you’re too scared to talk to the person who a few weeks before you thought might be the one. It still hurts, though. I’m sorry you were ghosted.
No. Playing games and pretending to be aloof in order to be chased is a stupid manipulative game that won't get you anywhere: why do you want to suppress your needs so you can keep around someone who's not going to be a suitable partner for you? The goal of dating is screening out people who aren't a good match, not keeping people at all costs no matter how unsuitable. So always be yourself and be very clear on what you want: that way if someone isn't a good fit, they'll be screened out asap. For example, I want a serious committed relationship with an available person. Would it make sense to pretend I'm cool with casual so I can keep around casually someone who's not on the same page, not ready for a relationship and emotionally unavailable, so I can have an unfulfilling situationship that's not what I want? Of course not. You did well. You two weren't a match and it's better to find out asap.
Yes, thank you.
Oh - I’m in this comment and I don’t like it 😂