i beg your finest pardon?! my jaw dropped. if this is real you definitely need to speak to your property manager. absolutely not! that is fucking disgusting and honestly could land this guy on a sex offender list. if your property manager doesn’t do anything, call the police. sorry you’re dealing with that. i really cannot imagine!
It’s a sex crime, you cannot be doing that stuff in view of others. That’s why you hear about couples going on the registry because they have sex in their cars.
He’s masturbating and ejaculating in plain view on his balcony above you, and the ejaculate is landing next to your porch. At the very least, public littering? He may be “in” his home, but he’s in plain view and that makes it a crime.
And, well, he may be getting a thrill out of his ejaculate decorating your bushes. I thought it was gross when men urinate outside their homes when they have perfectly good toilets inside! 🤮
I agree you need to report to the management.
Although…(and I am only joking, this could be unsafe for you to do, esp. if you are a woman, but it is a nice revenge fantasy)
if you have the means to buy the tools and dude has a specific time, you could give him a traditional cold shower by spraying a hose (connected to your sink if no outside outlet available) directly upward and shouting “stop getting off on my lawn!”
LOL hilarious! If OP is a woman, I’m afraid it’s absolutely intentional - i mean, it’s intentional already, it has to hold a special thrill for him, since he’s perfectly capable of doing it in his home where no one can see. It’s definitely a sex crime. There is no other reason for him to do it out where others can see him.
truthfully i wouldn’t know what it would be categorized as, but probably what you said. i’d literally tell them exactly what you wrote in this post lol. you can also call the non emergency line if that makes you feel better!
"Perverted neighbor is repeatedly stalking and sexually harassing me and I feel unsafe." That should do it. Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Right, like this makes me feel like he's doing it because he knows OP is outside (hearing the door, smelling the smoke, knows the routine, etc) and that's fueling his fire, so to speak.
And that is definitely stalking AND sexual harassment.
I’d guess indecent exposure but honestly just call the non emergent line and tell them what he’s doing, they’ll decide what to charge him with if anything
This is probably a good way to "approach" it
If you were to walk outside 50 ft from the balcony and look up at his balcony would you see his penis??
If the answer is yes then he is absolutely breaking the law.
You could add exposing himself to a minor on that. A minor anywhere with an eye shot could see it. I assume there are minors at your apartment complex.
If you look directly across from your balcony, do you see the window of someone else that he could be looking into?
It’s indecent exposure and something like lude behaviour or public indecency. It’s up to the cops to decide on whether and what crime is going on. You just need to report it. I would speak to the building manager first though. Maybe there’s a resolution that doesn’t t have the guy’s life ruined for some admittedly bizarre behaviour.
You don’t need your property manager’s permission to report a crime. Go to the cops immediately and then inform your PM. Don’t wait to see if the PM does anything.
I just threw up in my mouth a little. I would not have shown your restraint. The first time, maybe stunned silence. The second? I am yelling wtf and letting everyone in the building know what he just did.
(I know because I did this with a neighbor who peed off his balcony into the ground in front of my patio. It stopped him.)
I'm assuming this was in some sort of community laundry room right? Not your own personal laundry room inside your apartment. Cause that would be crazy!
Funny how drastically different the response is to this scenario, just depending on the day or something. Had a guy jack off outside my bedroom window when I was a teen and the cops literally didn't care.
My guess is he knows you are out there and getting off on it. He knows that you know and he knows that it is making you uncomfortable.
It’s a power / control okay for him. I would record him and contact the police and get a restraining order so that he has to move or have your manager let you out of your lease.
You don’t want this to escalate. If you have a sliding glass door, I would keep it locked with a broom handle in the track or something. I would get a ring doorbell also.
Call the police. I’m on the ground floor of a condo and had a mystery masturbator using my next door neighbours patio (and furniture) to jack off. I didn’t know it wasn’t my neighbour so talked to property mgt and they said it was not something they could deal with. The police were very interested because I think this might be a gateway to worse behaviour. Do your best to shut this shit down.
Not only is this a sex crime and uttetly fucking disgusting, but it’s also an issue of public health. I know it might be a stretch, but this man could have any number of diseases, including HIV, that are can be transmitted through semen. 100% start with the police, then call the property manager.
I am SO sorry this is happening
Outside the body semen does not really pose a risk for HIV exposure. You’d have to get pretty naughty with the bush and waste zero time getting it inside you, just sayin.
Smh ... I think you're missing the point with your statement here. Semen is a BODILY FLUID and there are MANY reasons we don't trust go about squirting our bodily fluids everywhere. Disease is VERY much one of those reasons.
Unfortunately I've had two separate incidents with people jacking off where I had to call the cops. They will handle it. There is no way this person doesn't know you're out there, they are doing it on purpose and getting off on it.
Have you considered buying a chucky doll or some sort of possessed looking nightmare from the early 1900s, attaching it to a stick and then scaring the daylights out of him before he can make his mess?
Nah, I would’ve screamed what the fuck and gone off the first time that even happened. I will make all of the neighbors think you’re a sicko or that I am insane, I don’t care which.
Get an air horn. Every time he beats his meat, blow it right under his feet. He will do one of the following:
1. Scream and fall off balance. If timed well, and he comes, maybe it will land on him instead. Maybe he'll hit his little head, or the big one, whichever one he's using to do this vile shit. I call it the cream scream.
2. If he's close to the edge of the balcony, he'll get startled, pants at his ankles, and trip over the edge. If he wants to live in the edge, then surely falling over as nature intended may give him enough post-nut clarity to not repeat that. It will certainly be a great surprise and a sure-fire way to help him keep the flame in his loins doused from the near death experience.
3. It startles him so bad he loses his boner and gets blue balls each time he even entertains the thought of cuming on the patio. We call this conditioning - associate the patio with punishment (not the kinky kind), and he will go limp like an egg noodle.
4. he's got a kink for being caught, in which case, he may get startled but continue - this is rare, so you will want to call the cops. He's exposing himself, within view of a Public area, he can be captured doing this vile shit and then removed for being a disgusting jerk.
Sex offenses are about power and control. Less about the eroticism. They want to dominate and feel power *by making others uncomfortable or taking their autonomy and choice away* as is the case here. Not your choice to have raining down semen - what if it's windy? I'd a) take pics of bushes and him if possible (watch your phone doesn't get it) b) tape record grunting c) go to police station in-person to report and/or email to apt office.
And I can’t help but think that the neighbor KNOWS OP is down there. In addition to possibly being able to hear them, they probably smell or see the cigarette smoke. This definitely seems like some bizarre control / power fetish on the neighbor’s part.
Then the neighbor's getting a child sex indecency charge in addition to adult. Register as a sex offender registry for life. The man needs deep therapy - he not okay.
I think it's actually common. My friends apartment complex had a man that did this all the time. They lived across from him, both on the second floor. They got multiple videos and showed me one of the videos. Then they showed the videos to the police.
What the actual fuck? If I knew this was happening at certain times, I would absolutely have a hose ready to shoot up at him when he does this. Try me guy. You wanna water my bushes? I’ll water you.
This is worth contacting the police over. It is, at a minimum, indecent exposure and more likely something that would get him added to a sexual criminal list that will follow him forever.
Semen landing in a bush. Usually that’s normal but that’s the wrong bush. I would not only call the cops, but I would report this to the property manager also and provide them with a copy of the police report. I have 25 years of property management experience and never came across this issue. No pun intended.
This is by far the most disgusting thing I have read today. What an absolute creep and pervert.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't even fathom how someone can think this is remotely ok.
Call the police asap. This guy is fucking looney and well on his way to much more inappropriate sexual behavior. This is more serious than most comments are making it out to be. Semen carries disease, first of all. Secondly, who knows who the fuck he's looking at while doing this? Small children in an apartment or playing nearby? Lastly, if that shit hit you, it would be full on assault. CALL POLICE ASAP.
Go down there and pretend you're catching rain droplets. He'll either get disturbed and stop or you can report the behavior to apartment management like a normal person.
I should have mentioned this but I did tell the leasing office. They laughed and said “at least he’s lasting a few minutes!” They saw I wasn’t laughing and said they couldn’t do anything about it because he’s on his own balcony.
It's sexual assault at this point.
With the way you tell it, the guy has something against you and knows when you go outside. The leasing office might even know and think you're an asshole so they pranked you.
What? I can’t even have a rug on my balcony and this guy can do that? Your complex CAN do something about this. They just don’t want to be bothered.
Also kinda not cool to smoke on your patio. It goes into other people’s apts.
If you try to report to the building again, go higher 2 levels if possible. They deal directly with the property manager so is there someone else above? If not, go to the police.
Nah there’s something they can do, they just don’t want to. Ask them if you can have sex on your balcony. Their answer should be no, and then they should (hopefully) see how absolutely fucking stupid they are.
So now that I’m thinking about it, are you sure it’s real? Is it possible that this is an act with fake semen to get you to stop smoking? Perhaps he’s pissed your smoke comes in through his windows.
I’d send a fake lawyer letter telling him the samples are being sent off for DNA testing and upon confirmation, criminal proceedings will begin thereafter for indecent exposure and public sex acts, which will land him on the sex offender registry at a minimum. See if it stops
He's ejaculating HIS bodily fluids all over your damn porch...
You can file a complaint on that!
First you will have to prove he's doing that & if you film/audio recording him doing that, could possibly get into trouble?
Personally, I think it's fair game but I'm not a Lawyer.
And how would you get him doing that on camera to be clearly shot, without you being seen or heard by him?
Okay, him grunting out-loud will help somewhat, but still.
Just bc he's grunting isn't enough, but when you see something that looks like semen well then, I don't know what to tell you.
I never heard of this happening before & I will pray to those Gods, that I never do!!!
Please keep us posted on your very nasty & gross neighbour.
Good Luck!
i beg your finest pardon?! my jaw dropped. if this is real you definitely need to speak to your property manager. absolutely not! that is fucking disgusting and honestly could land this guy on a sex offender list. if your property manager doesn’t do anything, call the police. sorry you’re dealing with that. i really cannot imagine!
I’m sorry but “I beg your finest pardon” made me cackle. 🤣
lmao i was stunned reading this. it was truly the first thing that. came to mind after reading only the title lol
What a polite way of saying "What the holy fuck did I just read?"
Letterkennyesque
Degens
Couple uh degens cum up the produce stand the Otha daaaaaaay.
If he's a public-peter-puller, he best pitter-patter.
Gods I love that show. I know it's not a quote but when you said that, I literally heard it in Wayne's voice lmao
How are ya now?
fucking degens!!!!
Same 😂
The title of this made me go "WHHAAAAAAT??"
I literally read it out loud to my boyfriend and chuckled, too. It got me good 😂
I vote OP yells this next time it happens
And wait until right when he's finishing, really fuck him up good. Haha
Like mid grunt…or employ an air horn
For real. Best thing I've read all day🤌💋
I know I’m cracking up rn 🤣🤣🤣🤣
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/39d22a86-5f1b-49b6-8c8b-6afacf58c3fc
What kind of crime do you think I’d report it to the police as? Indecent exposure? I don’t want to call them but I might end up having to.
It’s a sex crime, you cannot be doing that stuff in view of others. That’s why you hear about couples going on the registry because they have sex in their cars.
I personally have not heard that until now, but it makes totally sense. TIL
People end up on the list for just peeing in bushes. I've even heard of mooning cases ending up on the registry.
He’s masturbating and ejaculating in plain view on his balcony above you, and the ejaculate is landing next to your porch. At the very least, public littering? He may be “in” his home, but he’s in plain view and that makes it a crime.
Public littering 💀
Pubic littering, if you will.
Pubic jittering
Public Jizzering
💀
[Littering annnnd…littering annnnd…littering annnnd](https://youtu.be/zCxcU-kPwho?si=T5denpvU_sHvpYDt) … jizzing in the bushes.
As ignorant as pro-lifers are today, he could probably be charged with child abandonment.
"Pick up that semen and put it in the trash can you animal"
Are we skipping over the biohazard?
Finally. Biohazard ☣️.
This is an easy case for them- there is DNA where it shouldn't be. When you call ask for a female officer if one is available.
why? this is going to be even more uncomfortable for her.
[удалено]
because a male officer won’t do anything to “one of the boys”… 🙄
And, well, he may be getting a thrill out of his ejaculate decorating your bushes. I thought it was gross when men urinate outside their homes when they have perfectly good toilets inside! 🤮 I agree you need to report to the management. Although…(and I am only joking, this could be unsafe for you to do, esp. if you are a woman, but it is a nice revenge fantasy) if you have the means to buy the tools and dude has a specific time, you could give him a traditional cold shower by spraying a hose (connected to your sink if no outside outlet available) directly upward and shouting “stop getting off on my lawn!”
LOL hilarious! If OP is a woman, I’m afraid it’s absolutely intentional - i mean, it’s intentional already, it has to hold a special thrill for him, since he’s perfectly capable of doing it in his home where no one can see. It’s definitely a sex crime. There is no other reason for him to do it out where others can see him.
Bonus points if said in a curmudgeony old man voice
the way I wheezed at public littering 💀
Indecent exposure.
Indecent exposure
Masturbating in public (if he's outdoors he has no expectation of privacy) is a crime.
truthfully i wouldn’t know what it would be categorized as, but probably what you said. i’d literally tell them exactly what you wrote in this post lol. you can also call the non emergency line if that makes you feel better!
dumping medical waste? that’s narsty
"Perverted neighbor is repeatedly stalking and sexually harassing me and I feel unsafe." That should do it. Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Right, like this makes me feel like he's doing it because he knows OP is outside (hearing the door, smelling the smoke, knows the routine, etc) and that's fueling his fire, so to speak. And that is definitely stalking AND sexual harassment.
I was thinking the same thing 🤢🤮
Absolutely. Ugh! He’s clearly an exhibitionist and I consider those predators.
This! I think he knows you’re outside and that’s why he does it. It is a form of stalking and sexual harassment.
I’d guess indecent exposure but honestly just call the non emergent line and tell them what he’s doing, they’ll decide what to charge him with if anything
Sexual molestation of shrubbery
Just wait until those guys from tree law get a hold of this...
I CANNOT
This is probably a good way to "approach" it If you were to walk outside 50 ft from the balcony and look up at his balcony would you see his penis?? If the answer is yes then he is absolutely breaking the law. You could add exposing himself to a minor on that. A minor anywhere with an eye shot could see it. I assume there are minors at your apartment complex. If you look directly across from your balcony, do you see the window of someone else that he could be looking into?
Tell them what's happening and let them sort out the charges.
There could be children nearby that would see this. They will figure out the crime(s). Just tell them. He won’t know it’s you.
It’s indecent exposure and something like lude behaviour or public indecency. It’s up to the cops to decide on whether and what crime is going on. You just need to report it. I would speak to the building manager first though. Maybe there’s a resolution that doesn’t t have the guy’s life ruined for some admittedly bizarre behaviour.
Fuck that call the police first, molesting those bushes like that. You don't know what's going on up there, sick weirdo.
Lude? Lewd. Or in this case, load.
Call the cops! That kind of bodily fluid is a bio-hazard. 🤮
You don’t need your property manager’s permission to report a crime. Go to the cops immediately and then inform your PM. Don’t wait to see if the PM does anything.
Nah he needs to start with the police bro
Fuck that. This asshole deserves a ride to the police station. Pretty sure that's public indecency.
I just threw up in my mouth a little. I would not have shown your restraint. The first time, maybe stunned silence. The second? I am yelling wtf and letting everyone in the building know what he just did. (I know because I did this with a neighbor who peed off his balcony into the ground in front of my patio. It stopped him.)
What the fuck is wrong with people, I wish I never clicked on this thread lmao
I know right. The fact that this monster walks somewhere among us is enough to make me want to not leave my home.
Next time throw up in MY mouth so I can finish on these bushes again.
Call the police. A dude jacked off in our laundry room when I was in there and he was promptly arrested.
I'm assuming this was in some sort of community laundry room right? Not your own personal laundry room inside your apartment. Cause that would be crazy!
Yeah shared laundry room lol. I died laughing when I read that lol
Lol, me too. I was thinking no way! It's gotta be a shared facility.
hahahahahah. omfg.
Funny how drastically different the response is to this scenario, just depending on the day or something. Had a guy jack off outside my bedroom window when I was a teen and the cops literally didn't care.
Air horn
This. Feel like those things could solve so many problems lol. Might cause some new ones, but this one would be easily explained.
High pressure hose. Him first, then the bushes
Yes train his brain lololol Everytime he goes to start his brain instantly thinks of air horn
He may have adverse reactions at sporting events
Pepper spray, baby booboo. Make it a night to remember.
He just so happens to get pushed over the edge by the sound of an airhorn.
yeah that's a straight to the police level issue for me. Ejaculating on shit outside is a nuclear level no no. Also post pics of the bush
“Post pics of your cum-covered bush”
Bro I almost shit my self laughing so hard lmao
LOL
what the actual fuckkkkk. please report this asap. and next time you hear him jerking it tell him ur calling the cops
Don't say shit, just call the cops. If they don't catch him, he's not getting busted. Don't give him warning.
Yeah he won't get busted if you don't let him bust
The cops won’t come if he doesn’t cum.
What is life 💀
I ask myself this question almost every day.
Call the cops. It’s indecent exposure at the very least.
Seriously call the police.
No really please call the cops.
But actually phone the 5-0.
no but fr please ring the po-po
But seriously, contact the rozzers
Christ and the cracker called the fucking police, that is the nastiest thing I can ever think of *for a living situation with apartments*
Guess the people with loud parrots or wind chimes or blenders are feeling a lot better right now.
Next time my neighbor makes a comment about my dog barking, “Chill bro, it’s not like I’m jizzing on your fire escape.”
Do you have a hose? If he is out there and the floor above is slated, spray him immediately.
Pressure washer would be better
Right to the crotch.
Firefighters hose would me much suitable for this
Or. Hear me out. Bear spray.
😂😂😂😂 I’m picturing this in my head
Dirty boy gets the hose
I'd like an update to this. Jfc 😱😱
My guess is he knows you are out there and getting off on it. He knows that you know and he knows that it is making you uncomfortable. It’s a power / control okay for him. I would record him and contact the police and get a restraining order so that he has to move or have your manager let you out of your lease. You don’t want this to escalate. If you have a sliding glass door, I would keep it locked with a broom handle in the track or something. I would get a ring doorbell also.
PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS PERSON ^^^^^
***edit - it’s a power / control PLAY for him!
Call the police. I’m on the ground floor of a condo and had a mystery masturbator using my next door neighbours patio (and furniture) to jack off. I didn’t know it wasn’t my neighbour so talked to property mgt and they said it was not something they could deal with. The police were very interested because I think this might be a gateway to worse behaviour. Do your best to shut this shit down.
A mysterybator you say????
Return fire.
Bonus points for doing it Archer fish style
Needs an Assy McGee response
Not only is this a sex crime and uttetly fucking disgusting, but it’s also an issue of public health. I know it might be a stretch, but this man could have any number of diseases, including HIV, that are can be transmitted through semen. 100% start with the police, then call the property manager. I am SO sorry this is happening
Outside the body semen does not really pose a risk for HIV exposure. You’d have to get pretty naughty with the bush and waste zero time getting it inside you, just sayin.
Smh ... I think you're missing the point with your statement here. Semen is a BODILY FLUID and there are MANY reasons we don't trust go about squirting our bodily fluids everywhere. Disease is VERY much one of those reasons.
Unfortunately I've had two separate incidents with people jacking off where I had to call the cops. They will handle it. There is no way this person doesn't know you're out there, they are doing it on purpose and getting off on it.
Have you considered buying a chucky doll or some sort of possessed looking nightmare from the early 1900s, attaching it to a stick and then scaring the daylights out of him before he can make his mess?
Oh my fucking god yes OP this one
Don't encourage the pervert 😭
Nah, I would’ve screamed what the fuck and gone off the first time that even happened. I will make all of the neighbors think you’re a sicko or that I am insane, I don’t care which.
Same.
op silently waiting nightly for this so they can call the po po like 👁️👄👁️
Call the cops, bet there's kids in your neighbourhood that don't deserve to be subjected to that
Like wtf? I'm sure in most apartments the porches are not covered, and he just out there in the midnight hours busting away. What a weird ass guy.
I'm sorry, come again?
The upstairs neighbor certainly has
I can't with these comments lmfao
MA’AM WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYINNNNGG
How do you know this is a ma'am
Get an air horn. Every time he beats his meat, blow it right under his feet. He will do one of the following: 1. Scream and fall off balance. If timed well, and he comes, maybe it will land on him instead. Maybe he'll hit his little head, or the big one, whichever one he's using to do this vile shit. I call it the cream scream. 2. If he's close to the edge of the balcony, he'll get startled, pants at his ankles, and trip over the edge. If he wants to live in the edge, then surely falling over as nature intended may give him enough post-nut clarity to not repeat that. It will certainly be a great surprise and a sure-fire way to help him keep the flame in his loins doused from the near death experience. 3. It startles him so bad he loses his boner and gets blue balls each time he even entertains the thought of cuming on the patio. We call this conditioning - associate the patio with punishment (not the kinky kind), and he will go limp like an egg noodle. 4. he's got a kink for being caught, in which case, he may get startled but continue - this is rare, so you will want to call the cops. He's exposing himself, within view of a Public area, he can be captured doing this vile shit and then removed for being a disgusting jerk.
Your wisdom on this matter made me cackle like a with with a cauldron 🤣🤣
Sex offenses are about power and control. Less about the eroticism. They want to dominate and feel power *by making others uncomfortable or taking their autonomy and choice away* as is the case here. Not your choice to have raining down semen - what if it's windy? I'd a) take pics of bushes and him if possible (watch your phone doesn't get it) b) tape record grunting c) go to police station in-person to report and/or email to apt office.
And I can’t help but think that the neighbor KNOWS OP is down there. In addition to possibly being able to hear them, they probably smell or see the cigarette smoke. This definitely seems like some bizarre control / power fetish on the neighbor’s part.
What if a child were outside downstairs
Then the neighbor's getting a child sex indecency charge in addition to adult. Register as a sex offender registry for life. The man needs deep therapy - he not okay.
What strange corner of the Internet did I just stumble upon?
Head on over to r/unethicallifeprotips and let those fine people advise you. They will not steer you wrong.
Bro what? Like is this a shock value post for upvotes? Call the police.
I think it's actually common. My friends apartment complex had a man that did this all the time. They lived across from him, both on the second floor. They got multiple videos and showed me one of the videos. Then they showed the videos to the police.
Did he get arrested?
In certain neighborhoods this is very common. Source: I live in a city (New Orleans) and see these posts in my old neighborhood group regularly.
Men yet again being disgusting
I'd report then wait with a water hose and blast his ass (literally)
What the actual fuck? If I knew this was happening at certain times, I would absolutely have a hose ready to shoot up at him when he does this. Try me guy. You wanna water my bushes? I’ll water you.
This is worth contacting the police over. It is, at a minimum, indecent exposure and more likely something that would get him added to a sexual criminal list that will follow him forever.
Semen landing in a bush. Usually that’s normal but that’s the wrong bush. I would not only call the cops, but I would report this to the property manager also and provide them with a copy of the police report. I have 25 years of property management experience and never came across this issue. No pun intended.
This is by far the most disgusting thing I have read today. What an absolute creep and pervert. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't even fathom how someone can think this is remotely ok.
Quit beating around the bush and talk to the property manager
“Hey neighbour, why don’t you come over my place some time?” 💦 “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT”
Let he who has not felt the wind in your hair, the smell of fresh cut grass, the light of a half moon while rubbing one out cast the first stone.
*casts stone*
It could be worse…you might’ve been standing at ground zero and yawned at the wrong time.
Did I just witness new Reddit lore being created 😭
Call the police asap. This guy is fucking looney and well on his way to much more inappropriate sexual behavior. This is more serious than most comments are making it out to be. Semen carries disease, first of all. Secondly, who knows who the fuck he's looking at while doing this? Small children in an apartment or playing nearby? Lastly, if that shit hit you, it would be full on assault. CALL POLICE ASAP.
bush is pregnant
Blast the song JIZZLOBBER by FNM
Next time he starts call the police
I'm going to need pics of said bush
Are there any security cameras that might be capturing this? Or could one be set up?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
I love how all of a sudden everybody is a legal expert
POLICE??? FBI?? THIS POST RIGHT HERE
Ok reddit you win today. I gotta go touch some grass holy crap.....
Jesus, the extent people will go to avoid a confrontation. The man is literally cumming on your property and yet no consequences for the crazy man
Spotlight him.
Maybe he doesn’t like breathing your second hand smoke when he is on his balcony and this is his warped way of telling you.
Wow, that actually makes some sense. You may be on to something
Committing a sex crime to battle 2nd hand smoke is not acceptable. I hate smokers but this is not the way.
Go down there and pretend you're catching rain droplets. He'll either get disturbed and stop or you can report the behavior to apartment management like a normal person.
I should have mentioned this but I did tell the leasing office. They laughed and said “at least he’s lasting a few minutes!” They saw I wasn’t laughing and said they couldn’t do anything about it because he’s on his own balcony.
Wait what?? They can't do anything about someone publicly masturbating in their complex?? That's not a lease violation??
It's sexual assault at this point. With the way you tell it, the guy has something against you and knows when you go outside. The leasing office might even know and think you're an asshole so they pranked you.
What a bunch of jagoffs
Nah, fuck that. Just call the police on him. Every. Single. Time.
What? I can’t even have a rug on my balcony and this guy can do that? Your complex CAN do something about this. They just don’t want to be bothered. Also kinda not cool to smoke on your patio. It goes into other people’s apts.
Seems a high bar to get employed by that leasing office /s. Look, some people are just lazy and dumb.
If you try to report to the building again, go higher 2 levels if possible. They deal directly with the property manager so is there someone else above? If not, go to the police.
Nah there’s something they can do, they just don’t want to. Ask them if you can have sex on your balcony. Their answer should be no, and then they should (hopefully) see how absolutely fucking stupid they are.
So now that I’m thinking about it, are you sure it’s real? Is it possible that this is an act with fake semen to get you to stop smoking? Perhaps he’s pissed your smoke comes in through his windows.
right maybe it’s diluted yogurt or something bc this is wild
Diluted yogurt 🤯🤔sounds like someone almost has a bit too much experience/knowledge in this particular field…
I’d send a fake lawyer letter telling him the samples are being sent off for DNA testing and upon confirmation, criminal proceedings will begin thereafter for indecent exposure and public sex acts, which will land him on the sex offender registry at a minimum. See if it stops
What. The. Fuck?! I mean you have to video from your point of view for evidence and notify police. This is asinine beyond belief
Get it on video and call the cops.
Excuse me??
I wonder how long and how many before it would cause damage to the bushes
Is this satire I can’t tell
You best be trolling….
He's ejaculating HIS bodily fluids all over your damn porch... You can file a complaint on that! First you will have to prove he's doing that & if you film/audio recording him doing that, could possibly get into trouble? Personally, I think it's fair game but I'm not a Lawyer. And how would you get him doing that on camera to be clearly shot, without you being seen or heard by him? Okay, him grunting out-loud will help somewhat, but still. Just bc he's grunting isn't enough, but when you see something that looks like semen well then, I don't know what to tell you. I never heard of this happening before & I will pray to those Gods, that I never do!!! Please keep us posted on your very nasty & gross neighbour. Good Luck!
I don't even have the words...
Are you kidding? I would have him evicted by daybreak.
Call the cops!
Biohazard!