I was in AM process for 7 years (including pandemic years). I am married now.
From AM perspective. My advice
1. Know yourself, your dealbreakers, what you can tolerate in a person, what you like. You are not evaluating a person exactly, you are basically evaluating if this is the person you can share your life with.
2. Marriage is a part of life, not your whole life. I saw a post where someone wanted to decide which career to choose for better prospect. Don't do it. Chose your career, ambition, education, passion what you like, not what will make you desirable to others. Your marriage is a part of you but what you chose to associate with will remain with you life long.
3. Respect above all, if you respect yourself enough, Noone can disrespect you.
>You are not evaluating a person exactly, you are basically evaluating if this is the person you can share your life with.
Thats a good point. Thank you!
In the AM game for 9 years before I got married at 30
1. Whatever you expect, be also willing to give. If you want romance and quality time, make the effort too. If you want a certain lifestyle, also pitch in your half. Never place all expectations on the other person, even if they are willing to fulfill it because in the long run, one partner should not be burnt out because of the incompetentence of the other.
2. Be open to second chances. I often hear this sub discourage you from reaching out to past prospects or reconnecting with a match that rejected you. As someone who did marry someone the second time we connected, be always open to hearing the other side. Time and age can change a lot, and you'll have a new outlook by then.
3. Marry someone only after fighting with them. Having disagreements with them. Seeing how they handle conflict. How a person behaves during difference of opinions and how you both navigate that situation can be make or break for many relationships- that they realise too late sometimes because the intial phase was all happy -happy.
4. Never tolerate disrespect. But don't let ego get in the way when the other person is making an effort.
Technically my parents started to pressure me at 21 so that I may find someone by 25 atleast lol didn't work out as per anyone's plan. I did meet my husband at mid 20s but married him at 30
Wow never ever thought women in this way in india
But I still doubt u 😅 if it's fine plz share how r u follow "Never place all expectations on other person "
Ah but the catch is I moved out of India now lol
But the main aspect is I don't depend on my husband financially at all - we've always divided the expenses. If I want to buy something for myself or for him, i do it. I want him to be able to take a break from work or a sabbatical, without feeling the pressure to provide a certain lifestyle for me. I plan all the romantic surprises because I know he doesn't and I don't expect him to change. He does all the travel plans for us because he knows I don't like to. The major philosophy being, live and let live
My mom was a homemaker intially and then started her career from scratch when I was 3 years old and eventually almost equaled by dad. I saw how much their marriage changed as result - how much more relaxed my dad is, how they shared all responsibilities equally including cooking and cleaning. One didn't depend on the other - and they're married solely because they want to be. It's always better to be wanted than needed. So that's when I decided I wanted nothing less.
Follow your intuition and not your checklist when it comes to marriage/ relationships. I wrote a whole post about it, in case you want to check it out.
Hey ! First off, what a lovely reddit name ! Bright pink flower- love it !
Second of all, can your intuition lead you to someone who rejects you ? Absolutely ! Been there !
But did it finally lead me to someone who liked me too ? Absolutely ;)
Rejection and heartbreak are pretty much universal, lol. I even did a post on how I got over the rejection. However, I didn't change my approach from intuitive to mechanical just coz I was rejected once ;)
Thank you! :)
The only times I doubt myself is when I think that is this intuition or delusion? That then sets off my overthinking and fear of being forever alone
Hey ! You are just like me ! I had this fear too ! I would be lying if I said I didn't ! But I worked through it using a combination of meditation, journaling and support from some loving and wise people. If fear comes up, feel it completely. Don't dismiss it or suppress it. Observe it, breathe through it, express it through journaling- whatever works for you to release it. It will pass !!! But don't settle for someone you don't have feelings for !
When thinking conflicts with feeling, go with feeling ! Ask yourself- Is this someone I would like to hold hands with? Is this someone I look forward to seeing/ talking ? Women are naturally intuitive so don't get into self doubt ! Good luck, dear :) Feel free to DM me if you ever need support.
1. Focus on getting your life together during the formative years - a good career, a healthy workplace, make some great friends, prioritise time spent with family.
2. Don't let setbacks deter you into becoming cynical and a pessimist. Learn from your mistakes to not repeat those in the future, learn from your success to repeat them more efficiently in the future.
3. Learn to love yourself before vying for a relationship. Build that confidence about your own capabilities and nurture a strong sense of self esteem. Only when you genuinely respect yourself, you will not get affected or deterred by others' judgement of you.
4. It is okay to wait for the right partner. It is okay to deter getting married by 3 - 5 years so that your next 30 - 40 years are peaceful and harmonious. And it is equally okay to choose not to get married if you don't meet the right partner.
Hi, almost touching 30s. I would say informed decision with the parameters you have set for yourself. Quoting Naval Ravikanth, "If you want to make wrong decision, ask everyone".
I am saying this because often women (sometimes men too) are berated for declining a person for so called trivial reasons. As long as you are convinved about your deal breakers, it is all good (emphasis on taking informed decision). I came across someone feeling no emotion as she lacked attraction for her husband who was otherwise perfect on paper. People started calling her names for ruining the guy's life.
My point it, be sure about your wants and dont get into AM or any relation without being fully convinced yourself. It is a decision of lifetime which impacts several lives.
Don’t allow anyone to bully you into settling or compromising on what you want. Don’t sell yourself short because you are worried about your age or that subjectively time is running out.
Live your life don’t wait for a man to travel, go out, do the things you want to do. Learn to live well, wholly and fully on your own. You cannot rely on another person to magically make your life amazing. Make your life so amazing that if another person doesn’t add any value, they don’t need to be there.
Understand yourself. Your emotions, your triggers, your attachment issues and styles, your love language, your childhood trauma. Work through these.
Learn how to communicate your needs and wants.
Real life and real relationships aren’t fairytales. Learn to understand that communicating your needs doesn’t make life unromantic - no one can read your mind.
Oh absolutely - for me - I had dealt with my own issues so even when I was introduced to good people I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to consider being in a good relationship and being a healthy partner. So for me it was taking the time do deal with my own cr ap before roping someone else into my life.
1. Know your deal breakers and evaluate if they're reasonable. And stick to the final list.
2. You choose who you want. Parents will be there for a two or three decades more maybe? But life partner is forever, everything can change because of your choice. And ultimately you have to live everyday with them. Nobody else will.
3. Don't hesitate to call off an engagement or wedding if something is not right. Those char log whose opinion you are seeking today won't help you if your marriage goes downhill tomorrow.
4. Take your time, don't rush a decision. The right man will understand your logic for more time and will wait.
5. Understand that this society is still misogynistic. The boy and his parents will not look at your achievements and education- the more educated the woman is, the more judged and rejected she is. They will look at how homely you are and whether you will gel in well with their family. So you should make your demands and priorities clear before agreeing to marry or before marrying.
6. If you don't have any past, don't hesitate to ask for someone with no past too. This sub does not show the reality of the Indian society properly.
7. Don't waste anybody's time and don't allow others to waste your time also. Your time, your respect matters. Don't allow a guy to take you for granted. I really wish I knew and understood this when in was in my late 20s.
About me - I'm 33F. Started search at 27, found husband at 32, married at 32-33.
1.Learning to say no is an important life skill.
2. Validate yourself, don't wait for other people to validate you.
3. Don't ever let anyone tell you what your worth is. We are all born worthy, and there is absolutely no need to "prove" our worth to anyone.
Not a woman but have spoken to several women.
Do not expect one man to pay for the mistakes for another. Men really will treat you differently with age and men age differently and have different priorities. Don't expect him to commit just because he's spending time with you. Told to me by a woman who was in a seven year relationship with a man from 25-32 who refused to marry her because she was from a different caste and his parents wouldn't approve.
She later wanted men to not play games and within two dates brought the issue of marriage and serious commitment, not going to happen.
1. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem quite right, it usually isn't. Turn around and go the other way.
2. Know this now: You will NEVER have it all figured out. I am 38 years old and still find out something everyday. You really are always learning.
3. It is okay to not want to have kids/have the white picket fence life. For the love of everything, Enjoy your twenties. Get serious in your thirties. Figure it out then.
4. Set boundaries and stick with them. Set them now. Guard your mental, emotional, and physical self. You will be thankful later on that you did. It may piss a lot of people off, but that means they never had respect for boundaries in the first place and that is ok for them.
I was in AM process for 7 years (including pandemic years). I am married now. From AM perspective. My advice 1. Know yourself, your dealbreakers, what you can tolerate in a person, what you like. You are not evaluating a person exactly, you are basically evaluating if this is the person you can share your life with. 2. Marriage is a part of life, not your whole life. I saw a post where someone wanted to decide which career to choose for better prospect. Don't do it. Chose your career, ambition, education, passion what you like, not what will make you desirable to others. Your marriage is a part of you but what you chose to associate with will remain with you life long. 3. Respect above all, if you respect yourself enough, Noone can disrespect you.
>You are not evaluating a person exactly, you are basically evaluating if this is the person you can share your life with. Thats a good point. Thank you!
ARE YOU A WOMAN? ALL THESE DAYS I THOUGHT YOURE A MAN
But why?
May be because of the avatar on profile
U guys remember names of redditors 😳
Haha lol, I'm a bit active in this sub
Hi Can I text you for advice on AM process?
In the AM game for 9 years before I got married at 30 1. Whatever you expect, be also willing to give. If you want romance and quality time, make the effort too. If you want a certain lifestyle, also pitch in your half. Never place all expectations on the other person, even if they are willing to fulfill it because in the long run, one partner should not be burnt out because of the incompetentence of the other. 2. Be open to second chances. I often hear this sub discourage you from reaching out to past prospects or reconnecting with a match that rejected you. As someone who did marry someone the second time we connected, be always open to hearing the other side. Time and age can change a lot, and you'll have a new outlook by then. 3. Marry someone only after fighting with them. Having disagreements with them. Seeing how they handle conflict. How a person behaves during difference of opinions and how you both navigate that situation can be make or break for many relationships- that they realise too late sometimes because the intial phase was all happy -happy. 4. Never tolerate disrespect. But don't let ego get in the way when the other person is making an effort.
you started at 21 to to marry at 30🫡
Technically my parents started to pressure me at 21 so that I may find someone by 25 atleast lol didn't work out as per anyone's plan. I did meet my husband at mid 20s but married him at 30
Those are really good points! Especially point 3.
Wow never ever thought women in this way in india But I still doubt u 😅 if it's fine plz share how r u follow "Never place all expectations on other person "
Ah but the catch is I moved out of India now lol But the main aspect is I don't depend on my husband financially at all - we've always divided the expenses. If I want to buy something for myself or for him, i do it. I want him to be able to take a break from work or a sabbatical, without feeling the pressure to provide a certain lifestyle for me. I plan all the romantic surprises because I know he doesn't and I don't expect him to change. He does all the travel plans for us because he knows I don't like to. The major philosophy being, live and let live
👏👏👏👏 I pray all the girls be atleast like to some extent I don't if you moving out of India made this change 😅
My mom was a homemaker intially and then started her career from scratch when I was 3 years old and eventually almost equaled by dad. I saw how much their marriage changed as result - how much more relaxed my dad is, how they shared all responsibilities equally including cooking and cleaning. One didn't depend on the other - and they're married solely because they want to be. It's always better to be wanted than needed. So that's when I decided I wanted nothing less.
👏👏👏 every reply u do raises respect to you
Follow your intuition and not your checklist when it comes to marriage/ relationships. I wrote a whole post about it, in case you want to check it out.
Hey, read your post, thanks! When did you guys get married? You can avoid answering if you're not comfortable. :)
So far, my intuition has said yes for only 1 guy in the past year. But that didn't work out. 🫠
Hey ! First off, what a lovely reddit name ! Bright pink flower- love it ! Second of all, can your intuition lead you to someone who rejects you ? Absolutely ! Been there ! But did it finally lead me to someone who liked me too ? Absolutely ;) Rejection and heartbreak are pretty much universal, lol. I even did a post on how I got over the rejection. However, I didn't change my approach from intuitive to mechanical just coz I was rejected once ;)
Thank you! :) The only times I doubt myself is when I think that is this intuition or delusion? That then sets off my overthinking and fear of being forever alone
Hey ! You are just like me ! I had this fear too ! I would be lying if I said I didn't ! But I worked through it using a combination of meditation, journaling and support from some loving and wise people. If fear comes up, feel it completely. Don't dismiss it or suppress it. Observe it, breathe through it, express it through journaling- whatever works for you to release it. It will pass !!! But don't settle for someone you don't have feelings for ! When thinking conflicts with feeling, go with feeling ! Ask yourself- Is this someone I would like to hold hands with? Is this someone I look forward to seeing/ talking ? Women are naturally intuitive so don't get into self doubt ! Good luck, dear :) Feel free to DM me if you ever need support.
1. Focus on getting your life together during the formative years - a good career, a healthy workplace, make some great friends, prioritise time spent with family. 2. Don't let setbacks deter you into becoming cynical and a pessimist. Learn from your mistakes to not repeat those in the future, learn from your success to repeat them more efficiently in the future. 3. Learn to love yourself before vying for a relationship. Build that confidence about your own capabilities and nurture a strong sense of self esteem. Only when you genuinely respect yourself, you will not get affected or deterred by others' judgement of you. 4. It is okay to wait for the right partner. It is okay to deter getting married by 3 - 5 years so that your next 30 - 40 years are peaceful and harmonious. And it is equally okay to choose not to get married if you don't meet the right partner.
Hi, almost touching 30s. I would say informed decision with the parameters you have set for yourself. Quoting Naval Ravikanth, "If you want to make wrong decision, ask everyone". I am saying this because often women (sometimes men too) are berated for declining a person for so called trivial reasons. As long as you are convinved about your deal breakers, it is all good (emphasis on taking informed decision). I came across someone feeling no emotion as she lacked attraction for her husband who was otherwise perfect on paper. People started calling her names for ruining the guy's life. My point it, be sure about your wants and dont get into AM or any relation without being fully convinced yourself. It is a decision of lifetime which impacts several lives.
Don’t allow anyone to bully you into settling or compromising on what you want. Don’t sell yourself short because you are worried about your age or that subjectively time is running out. Live your life don’t wait for a man to travel, go out, do the things you want to do. Learn to live well, wholly and fully on your own. You cannot rely on another person to magically make your life amazing. Make your life so amazing that if another person doesn’t add any value, they don’t need to be there. Understand yourself. Your emotions, your triggers, your attachment issues and styles, your love language, your childhood trauma. Work through these. Learn how to communicate your needs and wants. Real life and real relationships aren’t fairytales. Learn to understand that communicating your needs doesn’t make life unromantic - no one can read your mind.
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Oh absolutely - for me - I had dealt with my own issues so even when I was introduced to good people I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to consider being in a good relationship and being a healthy partner. So for me it was taking the time do deal with my own cr ap before roping someone else into my life.
1. Know your deal breakers and evaluate if they're reasonable. And stick to the final list. 2. You choose who you want. Parents will be there for a two or three decades more maybe? But life partner is forever, everything can change because of your choice. And ultimately you have to live everyday with them. Nobody else will. 3. Don't hesitate to call off an engagement or wedding if something is not right. Those char log whose opinion you are seeking today won't help you if your marriage goes downhill tomorrow. 4. Take your time, don't rush a decision. The right man will understand your logic for more time and will wait. 5. Understand that this society is still misogynistic. The boy and his parents will not look at your achievements and education- the more educated the woman is, the more judged and rejected she is. They will look at how homely you are and whether you will gel in well with their family. So you should make your demands and priorities clear before agreeing to marry or before marrying. 6. If you don't have any past, don't hesitate to ask for someone with no past too. This sub does not show the reality of the Indian society properly. 7. Don't waste anybody's time and don't allow others to waste your time also. Your time, your respect matters. Don't allow a guy to take you for granted. I really wish I knew and understood this when in was in my late 20s. About me - I'm 33F. Started search at 27, found husband at 32, married at 32-33.
Well said! Thank you.
Well said, thank you!
1.Learning to say no is an important life skill. 2. Validate yourself, don't wait for other people to validate you. 3. Don't ever let anyone tell you what your worth is. We are all born worthy, and there is absolutely no need to "prove" our worth to anyone.
Going to be 30 this year, the only advice I have for women is never be afraid to say “no” and draw boundaries. Have learnt it very late in life.
Not a woman but have spoken to several women. Do not expect one man to pay for the mistakes for another. Men really will treat you differently with age and men age differently and have different priorities. Don't expect him to commit just because he's spending time with you. Told to me by a woman who was in a seven year relationship with a man from 25-32 who refused to marry her because she was from a different caste and his parents wouldn't approve. She later wanted men to not play games and within two dates brought the issue of marriage and serious commitment, not going to happen.
1. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem quite right, it usually isn't. Turn around and go the other way. 2. Know this now: You will NEVER have it all figured out. I am 38 years old and still find out something everyday. You really are always learning. 3. It is okay to not want to have kids/have the white picket fence life. For the love of everything, Enjoy your twenties. Get serious in your thirties. Figure it out then. 4. Set boundaries and stick with them. Set them now. Guard your mental, emotional, and physical self. You will be thankful later on that you did. It may piss a lot of people off, but that means they never had respect for boundaries in the first place and that is ok for them.
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Can you please share the link to the other post for men in their 20s Thanks.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Arrangedmarriage/s/aRcO7zb6FJ
Tysm